7 ways you're ruining a conversation
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ก.ย. 2024
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grip - Melissa Gasca, John Lee, Megan Pham
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I was today years old when I realised I've been inadvertently sabotaging conversations for years.
I feel so attacked.
lol same. this is why im horrible at conversing with others
...what?
i loled at this comment cause IT WAS SO ON POINT LOLSOMEONEPLEASEHELP
I will pour you this hearts to make your day better
💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
Lol this comment made me laugh
So...
“That’s rough buddy” was always the way to go?
Yeah that doesn't sound very empathetic
and they'll reply "you're not even paying attention, that's all you're gonna say!?"😒
I've been doing it right this whole time!! Hahaha
LMAOO yes just pull a zuko anytime things get awkward 😂
@@RaphaelCh It's an ATLA reference, and it actually is. Sometimes you just need to listen to others to empathize
I INTERROGATE THE PERSON BECAUSE I LITERALLY DONT KNOW HOW TO CARRY A CONVERSATION
tsurenae SAME what even are conversations
Nooo that's really cool, you show interest in them and who wouldnt appreciate that? :) Try the self centered people who make you feel like sh* instantly by ignoring or overlooking you.
Ahhh me too!! I feel so bad for so many questions
I do the same. i literally don't know what else to talk about so i just ask questions on what they said.
This is considered small talk and really good for getting a feel on what to say afterwards and how to develop relationships.
"I've read books"
- Cut to all the books being red. I see you Anna. I see that invisible joke.
97chuckles I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY THIS HAHAHAH
I got really confused for a sec
What was that supposed to mean??
@@emverstone6129 it's a pun read books => red books and the sentence is I've read books => I have red books
Actually that joke is very visible. That's the whole point.
you're telling me that in reality 'damn thats crazyyyy' has always been the best way to go about this
M LMAO
Lolll that's what I was thinking
This is me
Factssss 😂😂😂
That's my primary response to most things, lol. It’s something I picked up on as a kid; I always felt happier and understood when someone was determined to listen to me.
Her: Explains all the things not to say
Me: Literally what's left?!🤦
Yea, just saying "don't say this" is only half of the equation, you have to give examples of what to say instead, and like another commenter pointed out, it depends on the context of the conversation. Half of these responses are actually appropriate for most conversations.
Lol yea
Same! Lmfao
Exactly!
Exactly
these 7 things are literally the only ways i respond and im..... concerned
al same. How else do you respond to those things? It just feels so natural
al never too late for a change :)
Validate. People's. Feelings. "I can understand why you feel that way." "I'm sorry that happened to you." "That's a totally understandable response." "That must have been difficult for you." etc.
yup same
It is a natural response. I have trouble empathizing with people period. This is a challenge for me to be good at conversation lol
1. Denying people’s feelings
2. Philosophical response
3. Questions
4. Defense of the other person
5. Pity
6. Ameteur psychoanalysis
7. Giving advice
So.. empathy & acknowledge other persons feelings & let them feel heard
Charlotte Kym Tomlinson 💖💖 glad I could help!
@Hana Rose Yeah asking questions shows interest. You're not a good friend if all you do is support/follow along with what your friend is saying, even if they're wrong
@@LashanR Your not a good friend if you just blindly agree with them as well. There is a time and place for everything, but your doing your friend a disservice if you all you do is enable them by reassuring them that they are right in every situation
wtf i actually like when people ask me questions??
I don’t get the difference really between the pity example and the empathy example pls SOS someone else
Them: ughh it's so hot
Me: ugh I know right
Them: ugh yess
*conversation = ends*
*we = stop talking*
*Hotel = Trivago*
Stoooooop this meme needs to die
Hotel trivago memes are god tier!!!!!!!!!
Exactlyyyyyyyyyy
bring up something about global warming but jokingly works like a charm
@@sirsoyboy725 no
*_“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
― Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People
I tried to do that , yes i gain Friends a lot, but i end Up reakizing i was more like a cheardleader from them, i notice they never ask about me , i was always me being over them ... It was the opposite of what i had before , i was the selfish one ... I kind of back Up .... Having friends (real ones) is hard ... Ok this social media world be are living in, people now are used to have followers instead of Friends
Problem is, I'm usually not that interested in other people. It's a curse, I know.
@@bkeen7013 yeah it's pretty difficult but you just have to try and search for one thing that seems interesting. The thing is, people often will continue on about themselves, and you can just listen and urge them on. It's not a bad thing, it's just that every person has a dying urge to feel important and appreciated.
@@AyAReI00 I think it's better for the soul to be as honest as poss with yourself
@@jjerrell89
"Studying psychology" (so trendy lol) is likened to same as many people who also study the Bible but forget it's NOT to be used for judging. It's design is for self reflection & improvements toward a greater than the immediate or small frame situation/realm- meaning tools obtained for filtering or testing & mediating are still JUST for primarily urself to observe & cultivate on. Not impune onto others cuz tho u may even counsel & meditate/contemplate/plan (pray) with & for them u are only ever realistically in charge of urself & only able to decipher from a single perspective. Not an all knowing always deeper ever richer source. Even psychologists & thier patients can be mislead/misinterpretted & drawn to a failing spiral down to where either a reset or even 2nd oppinon is the only logical progressive option. Which means their former entire build & structure of conversing becomes disreguarded as effective. Aka unhelpful & wrong.
I don’t know if I agree with this. Asking questions is a way of showing interest and advice is often the reason for the conversation. If someone would just empathetically confirm my emotions (”that must have been so hard for you”), I would probably be a little annoyed that they didn’t ask questions or provide something useful (like advice or another perspective). I also get really annoyed when people consistently take my side, because they think that their task is just to make me feel justified, when I really want to know if I did the right thing or not. I think the right response is often very dependent on the conversation - sometimes questions and advice are appropriate and sometimes they’re not.
I agree with this so much and basically my reason always for doing these things!
Your comment was too long to read, but if there’s anything I got out of this about you, it’s that you are trying too hard to be a conversationalist and are not letting talks come about naturally.
@@mikasaackermann8736 oooooooh I wanna see how this plays out
jjsdl Bruh you didn't even read her comment and you're still trying to give advice
@@大城泉-c7d lmao. Literally the problem with people. Don't wanna listen but always wanna talk
Oh my gosh! When she was listing the 7 things like "don't give advice", "don't start philosophizing", "don't pity", etc. After number seven I was like: "Wait, what is else is there left?"
Haha right?! Those were all the responses I ever gave to people....
Had to take a look at the book to get the answer xD
(its only 30 pages or something if I remember correctly)
In conclusion I should just learn to stay quiet
@@julesprtlz8623 "No, just be yourself" badumm tsss
Just say "dang that's crazy"
I wish you discussed this in more depth because all these things are really dependant on the context and the conversation
this needs more upvotes so she can take note.
You could read the book too?
@@pr0ud2bap1n0y I could but I am already familiar with the tips and know why putting them in context makes a difference so my "wish" or suggestion in my comment is mainly for people who are unfamiliar with the topics she mentions.
This channel doesn’t really go in depth tho
@@beberoro1 i dont know how to explain things sometimes
I do some of these in order to KEEP the conversation GOING 😂😂
Word, like what, I'm supposed to lie and say it's cold?
Trueeee
😂
A trick I've learned is to say "tell me more" when the other party seems to be done speaking. It doesn't work all the time but when it does, it can keep the conversation going and puts you in the empathetic, listening position :)
@@kinseydesignsbrands
That's actually a pretty good way ..
You're right it doesn't always work but it doesn't hurt to try .. at least you'll sound interested.
Introverts be like:
*"I need this, but I really don't need this, yet I need this"*
100%
I'm introverted and no. Take this with a grain of salt, cause this advice is toxic af if a friend comes to you for advice or a shoulder to cry on because she feels rightfully helpless. Start with this advice, and then break like, 2 of her 7 rules, cause "there there" isn't gonna get them out of an unhealthy situation.
@@cuttlefishn.w.2705 can u make it clear??
@@cuttlefishn.w.2705 I think the point is they're not coming to you for advice usually, but just for someone to listen. Most people find it annoying to be given unsolicited advice, even close friends.
Yes!
Listening and validating someone else's emotions are the only way to connect with people through words? If that's true, then it's very important to emphasize that it must be reciprocated. Otherwise you'll be surrounded by people who believe your time and brain simply exist as a dumping ground for all their problems. Which leads to one sided relationships that are completely unrewarding. Emotions are important but focusing on them to the exclusion of all else can lead to boring and draining interactions.
Validating people's feelings FIRST & foremost is the most effective way to get into deeper conversation. Shutting down someone has a way of making them defensive or feel unheard, which causes them to disengage. Can't have fulfilling conversation if you're shutting the other person down off the bat
acknowledging the other persons feelings and not shutting them off sure is an important point but I guess this dear commentator ist just trying to make the point that your friend should also be interested in you and not just talking about themselves endlessly.
@@lissy1231 I think what Anna is trying to say is that if you can't have that deeper conversation right for the bat, the other person doesn't even consider you as someone to be invested in. If you have that deeper conversation and the other person understands what you are doing and begins to care about you, they will start to naturally ask questions about you and ask about how you feel about situations. If the other person takes advantage of your empathy, you either have to address that with the person so they realise what they are doing (if they are somehow unaware, which can happen) or you have to abandon that friendship because that person is purposefully taking advantage of you and they are not worth being friends with.
I too have had this problem
maintaining distance in that situation is a good decision
Personally, I hate when people walk on eggshells around me or "baby" me. Like just be direct, tell me how u really feel
Like that lil scene where Anna was like "maybe the boss was having a rough day"- if someone told me that, truthfully, I would probably be annoyed in the moment but later on i'd be grateful that my friend was saying what they authentically felt yk? They weren't just saying what I wanted to hear (that my boss is a b*tch) out of fear of ruining our friendship, but simply stating a plausible other explanation for my boss' behaviour. Honestly I'd take that as an act of love. We need to come out of ourselves sometimes, take a step back and see that not everyone's actions is motivated by their feelings for US, sometimes people have lives and interactions outside of us, and having the ability to see life from that perspective is very important
WOW
You're right but not everyone is like you and I know this for a fact. I know people who keep these things inside which keep festering until they cannot anymore.
Let me tell you something.. you’re one of the few who does this. I mean, it’s absolutely the BEST way to think but the majority of people just aren’t that tolerant, they want others to tell them what they want to hear, which is rarely the truth. The world would be a complete different place, a better one for sure, if everyone was thinking like you
I think the exact same thing, i always try to see the situation from another prospective, i like to trust people so i don’t judge their actions without an actual knowledge.
THIS, exactly how I felt! I think maybe the example was just bad I could see how that could be in some cases but I feel the same. Rather than just being negative sometimes I feel the truth would be best along with empathy. And I love your perspective and feel the same, we need to think outside of ourselves sometimes
1. Denying People's Feelings
2. Philosophical Response
3. Questions
4. Defense of the Other Person
5. Pity
6. Amateur Psycho-analysis
7. Giving Advice
*Unsolicited advice*
Nice TL;DR 👍
Thanks.
Thanks
Just got to feed this into my brain permanently
Wait aren't question supposed to show interests?
i agree with the comment above, empathetic questions (are you ok? how are you feeling?) are better to ask than interrogative (what did he do? did he do this?), destructive questions (idk why he would do that? who does he think he is?), and their emotions will come in time.
Netune depends on how you do it
Except invalidating someone's feelings and pity, all these things serve a purpose but empathy should be the main thing
I feel like it depends on the Person you are Talking to and the situation, what u can actually ask. Not everybody is the the same 🤷🏽♀️
My whole life is a lie!!!
So basically... don't speak.
Don't say anything, just agree...
I'm so confused lol 😂😂😂
I think anna means well with all of her videos but she should really let ppl know that this advice is context specific as a disclaimer because a lot of the items in the " how you're ruining a conversation" are actually needed in some situations. Like you want to empathsize with friend after a breakout, but you can stil lask quesitons afterwards to try and understand the what happened and if there's a pattern. Or recommending a friend to therapy might be necessary if they seem to be struggling and cant be aleviated with just friend-support. Or even defense against the other person, you can do it, just as long as you also acknowledge the person who's complaining to you "wow that's horrible." and motivate them about their worth for a new job
Yes, you are confused. The message wasn’t “just agree” at all.
Listen to what they’re saying, don’t just automatically switch the focus to you, and think about the other person’s perspective.
@@jenniferaustin8617 I hope you calm down, I hope you have a good day, I wish you lots of laughter, smiles and less aggression, I hope you learn that people are allowed to have their own opinion. God bless
@@10secviolation thank you for that reply, I see she means well. I totally agree with you
right😂
Just say "it do be like that sometimes"
Just be attractive and you can say whatever you want... ;-)
@@martinm.1967 Omg Yeeeees, I always wanted to be a full time asshole. I will do good with this responsibility, thank you!
QUESTIONS are ESSENTIAL for interesting conversations, but you HAVE TO be careful about THE WAY you're asking them in order to get an interesting answer.
Also I think defending the other person is sometimes a great way to help the person you're talking to understand the other person's state of mind. *It's always nice to have another point of view.*
Agree if two people are in conflict isn't it better not to treat them as a child and instead help them see there are two prospectives...? It's a little childish to apply these methods to an adult.
It depends only on that context of things
this is easy to say, it's logical and fast but humans don't work that way when they're hurt. Being empathetic, especially when the hurt is new is a way of building trust. Defending the person who caused the hurt won't teach them a lesson, especially when the listener doesn't know the whole story and wasn't the one feeling hurt. The 3rd person can be very helpful if they listen first and only ask questions that would help them understand their self and the situation better, WITHOUT defending the other person. Over time, when people feel loved and trusted, they will figure out their mistakes.
@@skeptical_citizen Exactly. I've been on the receiving end of this and it felt like a slap in the face. Someone who wasn't there and didn't really understand the situation just assumed that I had behaved childishly. It can hurt, especially if that person is someone you trust.
Of course, you can't always side with someone just to make them feel better, but one should always handle conversations from a place of empathy. Self-reflection is the job of the individual, and if pushed by an outside party it looks a lot more like judgement.
I was today year’s old when I found out that the hand gun isn’t the gun itself but how you hold the gun 🤯
Sinceriously Kevin ohhhhh
Same.
OH
Was just learning that
NGL I feel like the hand gun is the gun itself because most of the time when you're kids you use the thumb as the trigger. BUT, this vid pointed out how you'd do it if you held it accurately.
you can't forget the classic
"i- i don't know what to say...."
* complete silence for like 25 seconds*
Had this happen to me a few times now, over text though. It's still a bit disheartening because if I open up to someone about something serious, I just want to be told that things will be okay or for someone to give me a more positive perspective, or just anything really.
@@FabioSpeedy yeah i totally get what you're saying! if you ever need to talk, I'm here! though i don't really know you, I'd love to give you some support
What a relief, my go to response isn't part of this list: absolute silence.
LMAOOO
😂😂😂😂😂😂! This one is the ultimate killer 😂😂😂
Hmm. I feel personally attacked. How dare you know that I'm guilty of most of these
"Everyone should be in therapy" is my life motto
no thanks I do not wish to be there-
Pfffffffff
I felt personally attacked as she mentioned that xD
Me and my friends live by this. We are all absolutely crazy and are going through a phase of obsessing over celebrities so we frequently tell each other that we need therapy. It’s cool.....we’re cool....mostly...mad but in a good way?
Those therapist are just people too
Anna: Seven ways you ruin a conversation
Me: I do all those things
Next day:
Coworker: Expresses how they’re feeling
Me: I like eggs.
mood
Socially awkward af 😭, it gets so much worse if I get anxious (most of the time)
Kscape me
Have u tried not being a cat
3:30 Noo... I would never want someone to respond to me like that. I don’t want them to worsen my perception of the situation by them giving their own pessimistic view on it. I would want them to give me encouragement, relate with me If possible, and give me a reason to see a silver lining
Ikr I just want someone to be actively listening to me and if they want to give advice or offer the other person’s perspective then I’m all ears
Yes... I have realized I should take these videos with a grain of salt
Exaxtly this would eventually make me a narcissist
same.i dont like talking to a person extra agreeing on how im feeling .. like the person is actually rubbing it making it worse on how im feeling exactly like on the 3:30 lol mehhagree. also, i dont like talking to a person extra agreeing on how im feeling .. like the person is actually rubbing it making it worse on how im feeling exactly like on the 3:30 lol mehhagree. also, i dont like talking to a person extra agreeing on how im feeling .. like the person is actually rubbing it making it worse on how im feeling lolagree. also, i dont like talking to a person extra agreeing on how im feeling .. like the person is actually rubbing it making it in worse on how im feeling exactly like on the 3:30 lol guess that's why i don't like sharing my problems, i actually dont like empathy rubbing it in worse for me lol
its not pessimistic dude, I mean its real nor is it pity
Those seven ways are the only ways I communicate and I don't know how to not??? The line between empathy and pity is kinda blurred for me
I'd say the main difference is that someone with pride whom looks down on the other but still feels bad is having pity, while empathy is simply sharing their pain and being there for them.
I wish that people could have a conversation about how one may have to balance sincere but unwanted advice vs useless but kind words. Perhaps you start with some empathy than surprise attack them with inconvenient truths
Yik Long Tay truly it is not your business to offer advice where it is not wanted. I say this as someone who does it myself ALLLLL THE TIME.... but it’s wrong. Studies in psychology have proven it, my own internal ethics have shown it: people do not respond well to unsolicited rude abrupt “truth” or “advice.” There is no reason. It is not the right thing to do.
@@marciamcdevitt964 but what if they are wrong and it could potentially hurt them in the future? :/ What should we do?
Neurodivergency! Look it up please! This is it in conversations! I don't mean to come off as rude or pushy here but I see this all the time with friends etc. And just. Please look it up?
I don’t agree with some of them because sometimes you need to be more honest with people.
It is all about timing.
I understood the list as "things that in certain situations have negative effects" rather than "never ask questions ever again"
Yeah, but this shouldn't be the first reply.
If your friend wants to vent about their boss, let them vent. And when they are done, you can introduce the idea that maybe the Boss had a bad day or that maybe they themselfes where to blame for all of this.
Like, yesterday someone started a conversation with me with a question that I don't think you should ask someone so casually and after I didn't even have the chance to respond properly he immedietly told me what I need to do. I was short of leaving the party after that conversation.
I feel like it depends on whether ur friend actually wants advice or just wants to vent. Like if I’m venting, I just need to vent and I don’t need/want any opinions. But if I’m genuinely asking for advice you can give me ur full opinion whether it hurts my feelings or not. And I feel like that’s what Anna is trying to portray
Honesty can come off as rude depending on how you imply. For ex:
1. Did he shout at you? OMG i feel soooo bad for you! Mabye your boss had a bad day, or you werent doing your job right. Mabye this isn't the job for you.. The next time you go to work, respect your boss. (wrong)
2. Don't worry, i know you're really strong so you can handle it. Let's get your mood up first with some fun, and if you want, you could apologize to your boss, and you never know, he might apologize back. (Right)
Life hack: don’t talk to people at all
Pasta
Not the best one
Life haks! OH YEAH!
thats basically what shes saying. i mean dont ask questions? what else are you supposed to do
Meh. I think asking questions for clarification is a sign you're listening.
Agree, sometimes questions are great!! They can help you to notice something you didn't. Like when I said "I lost my wallet" and then other says "did you check in your other purse?" and is there. Or when you don't know how to do with homework and then a friend ask you if you already try some way of doing it
Agree lols
Depends on the situation. The more personal, like a breakup, the fewer probing questions you should ask.
Yeah. That's called asking the "right" questions.
How I understand it is: Ask questions that help u understand what they’re ALREADY trying to say, but avoid questions that make them question their feelings’ validity, or interrogative questions that steer the conversation towards details YOURE interested in.
Anna: Is guilty of all seven ways
Me: Wow that's tough how can somone...oh(x7) that's how. Huh I do that.
Lmaooo i finally get it
This is a good reminder that we should listen more and be more empathetic during conversations :)
Although I don't think that the 7 ways are absolute no-no's, I do think that valuing empathetic listening over trying to give a superficial response in those 7 ways is very important.
It might be a case of a balancing act. if your friend easily shuts himself off at the slightest inconvenient truths, butter them up with empathy before the surprise attack truth bomb. If you have an objective friend, cut the BS and tell them outright. Only the sith deals with extremes
At least for "giving advice": let them ask you for advice. Don't give them advice before they ask you.
@@xxMpEGxx Definitely, and when you feel like you're itching to try to help them, simply asking "Would you like some advice" does wonders! More often than not, I've noticed that people agree, and are suddenly much more open to them and more likely to follow through! And if they don't want to, it's easier to accept that they're just not there yet, or would prefer to simply vent.
i know i mean she just basically said dont talk to anyone. honestly anna gives us great videos but shes wrong on this one
wow whenever i need advice she’s always here, thank you :,)
Anna:...read books...
**shows red books**
Yeah i noticed that too XD
I don’t understandddd
@angeli lachica read (past tense) and red ( the colour) Sound the same
Oohhhhh
I sent this to my mom. She always defends the other person. Every. Single. Time. Thanks Anna! Maybe she'll listen to you :D
You have to be careful though. There's also the risk of taking the empathy thing too far and coming off as insincere, sarcastic and condescending.
There's someone I know who does this and it's so grating.
For example; once a bunch of loud motorbikes drove past us and I casually commented that I can't stand the sound of bikes. They responded with "Aww really? That must be so hard for you right?".... 🙄🙄🙄
Yh agree. There are times when you should and shouldn’t be. Lol for that I think a joke needs to be made. Or say something like yh it is frkn loud let’s go somewhere else. I don’t understand what’s so hard about keeping it neutral or positive in conversations. Convos to me are about redirecting our minds or bodies to other things. You can’t casually change what you don’t like if you really don’t like it in the moment. Unless you say something like you can learn to love the sound of bikes by riding one you wanna try? Hahaha. Idk just be creative lol. Basically creativity is your friend. :)
It sounds funny to me, but it definitely depends on how they delivered the comment. Also, I HATE THAT TOO! with a fiery passion!
I think that's my problem with "being empathetic". It sounds more genuine from me (at least I think so) when I start asking questions (what happened? and what did she tell? what a moron! and how did it end? what are going to do about it? let's think about solutions. you deserve better!) than when I say "that's so awful" or "you poor thing, i feel ya" or "i totally understand you" (when i don't!) because it's such a stereotypical phrase that it sounds scripted, insincere and cheap. I don't want to reply to my sad friend with cheap lines. Idk what's my problem, if I really sound awful when a person cries onto my shoulder
XD
Depends on the tone u use
I think this advice is great if your only intention is to build superficial relationships.
Jeremy Ashcraft exactly.
Couldn't agree more!
Agree
Jeremy Ashcraft Honestly. I would hate to have a conversation with this girl, she’s too obsessed with it
Why would you want people in your life who can't handle any of the 7 "bad" responses and only want their feeling "validated"?
actually, i wish someone would talk to me in some of these ways, it's way better than being sad with me or something like that, idk man
So true 🤍
i know right? i wish someone would do these 7 things with me. im sick of putting in all the work
at 3:13 right now, and she has just stated every point bad coversation( all of which im guilty of), and so i came to the conclustion:
In order to talk to people,
you must not talk to people.
Nah I prefer ppl giving genuine advice or even their take at psycho analysis
It might be a case of a balancing act. if your friend easily shuts himself off at the slightest inconvenient truths, butter them up with empathy before the surprise attack truth bomb. If you have an objective friend, cut the BS and tell them outright. Only the sith deals with extremes
It's best only to give advice when people ASK!
Or you can just ask them if they want some advice
I know my boss could've been having a rough day, rn I just want to talk about how they disrespected me! 😤
@@yiklongtay6029 read your comment made me feel like I am a friend that easily shut myself up with the slightest incovenient truths and need to be buttered up with empathy before surprised with the truth bomb and NOT the strong people that are strong to seek truth and very comfortable and need bullshit, and my friends all are fake and just want to make a superficial friend realtionship with me not the deep one. thanks ;-;
@@starcherry6814 I thought I was the only one who thought like that because essentially almost all people on the comment disagrees with my feelings and thought. and yeah,
Self-help gurus often claim that women seek sympathy while men offer solutions.
I doubt it's quite that simple, but I see things going south when the _first_ response is, "Why don't you..."
I've learned the hard way that you should always ask if the other person wants advice before dispensing it.
you dont ask just do ir
Not every conversation is a cry for validation. I mean, unless you're a walking pity party or something equally dysfunctional.
I mean, isn't it? How I see it, we talk to people out of social need to feel validated in our struggles, feelings, identities, etc.. so isn't every conversation a small cry for validation?
But I agree that empathy and understanding isn't always necessary and can be overdone, though I think it's important we always bring it with us.
Just wanted to throw my opinion in the mix haha
"EVERYONE SHOULD BE
IN THERAPY!"
I will NEVER stop saying this...
This is my brand onestly. I get that is annoying but I just keep throwing ppl into my therapist office lol
@@tigrastijaodtigra does she really belive that there are people in the world, who haven't suffered any form of (at least mild) trauma? And who's questionable actions and reactions today aren't influenced through experiences they made as children or teens?
Yassss.... me too....
same I must sound so annoying to everyone around me lmao
I've been thinking about this lately but I believe for most people self help is enough, but the problem is that usually people don't realise they need it or could do that
This is great advice if you want to be superficially likeable and not ever help anyone with anything as a true friend should. The whole "listen and let people vent" thing doesn't work, sometimes as a true friend you have to lay the smack down and wake someone up. They may not like it or feel comfortable about it, but that's actually exactly the point quite often.
My entire personality is built on amateur philosophy and psychoanalysis it's all I do 😭
Same bro
I feel you. I even majored in philosophy at uni (obviously because I’ve always loved philosophy; it’s not like you could get rich with a philosophy degree) and that’s literally the core of my personality. It’s not the real me if I don’t get all analytical and hyper-rational in a conversation once in a while. Guess we’re just fated to ruin conversations...
Laura it’s not so bad tho. Cuz people like us at least question themselves. And I feel like at some point it becomes so usual than it’s reduced to a simple tool which is good when you like live in this society
Omg same hahaha
idk i like having philosophical conversations they’re fun
I disagree. Many of those responses are just about being honest. I think they should be okay as long as you acknowledge the other persons feelings. Personally I would like it if the other person gave advice, and gave me their view on my problem as well🤷🏻♀️
Honesty without tact or timing is cruelty
I agree with you. If someone said 'omg that must have been humiliating' while trying to empathise, I might be even more hurt because being humiliated and embarrassed are at different scales and you might end up feeling worse. Questions can help show the person another perspective, it's all in context and if you have a good relationship with that person you'll know how to act
Remind me to never talk to you. Defensive, much? Just admit that you can do better and move on, than just laying an egg of a comment.
@@KyanneSummer or just being awkward. I'm not great with social situations. I usually feel a bit weird, having to talk and everything. I realised that my honesty is usually too blunt. But while I'm learning to put a filter, what I think I usually the first thing I'll say. Because I'm not that great at being with people. Not because I'm cruel or whatever
She probably means unsolicited advice
My mind just screamed, “what other options do I have”? Ahaha
You can use all of these options. Be yourself
“How to have boring conversations”
😂
Hahaha yes
I truly believe those are awful way to respond in a conversation only if it's the first way you react to what the other person is saying. Giving advice, being philosophical o trying to shift the other person's point of view are not terrible ways to deal with a situation. They are only when the other person doesn't feel like they've been listened enough.
Yeah the 7 ways you're wrong almost stifle the conversation if you're trying to help someone
@@n.e.t.a6666 it's been my experience that in general, people don't want to be helped. They want someone to listen and respond with empathy. "That sounds terrible. Do you want me to just listen or are you looking for advice?" Is my usual response when someone is going on about a negative situation.
Saying "That's shi**y. I'm sorry this happened to you." And stopping there acknowledges the situation and their feelings without going over the top with pity.
Most don't want you to fix it. They want a supportive ear.
K Labeck That is what they want, but not what they need.
@@jewelsims8805 What do you think they need?
how do you even empathize without kind of lying to yourself, what if that's not even what you feel?
Empathising doesn't necessarily mean feeling the emotions with someone, or pretending to feel the same way. It's imaging yourself in their situation from their perspective to understand how they felt.
@@aliciamoon9816 No that's sympathizing. Empathizing is actually feeling the emotions of others, hence why people who do so are referred to as empaths
@@LifeisaBeautifulting Yes, that's true. I think empathy comes from a place of understanding what someone's been through because you yourself have been through it, and sympathy is feeling bad but not having gone through that exact scenario. I think.
@@aliciamoon9816 Sorta lol. You don't necessarily have to have gone through it to empathize. Like for instance, a loved character dying from cancer is enough to make some people cry, even if they've never had their own loved ones die of cancer. Some people are just more emotionally reactive than others
Become a social worker
1:02 I love that "read books" is actually you pointing at *red* books.
Ana these are ways not to start a conversation. The book goes into greater details on how to communicate the same ideas constructively. Some of these are essential for active listening in adult conversations and also, the most difficult thing is, feelings are not arguments. There is time when you need to be curt and be direct so in the long term children can learn. The book skims over some of these poo to. Long term growth should be considered in heavily important topics. The normal functionality of conversation this technique is okay, but leads to permissive parenting if done always. And, you should expound on these or the little knowledge you gave can be more dangerous than not knowing anything.
I think it's a matter of understanding when it's appropirate to just nod and agree and when you have to step in and give advice or say what you trully believe etc.. Sometimes people are in such distress that they just want to talk to someone as if they are talking to themselves in an attept to gather their thoughts and feelings, but sometimes our friends reach out to us in order to help them see a different point of view and offer our help. (Hope it makes sense I'm not a native speaker)
1 way I'm ruining a conversation: Opening my mouth.
Feelsbad.
Or: getting so lost in the person eternal talking that you lose a thread and start spacing out bc you don't understand anything
Who else broke all of them in a single conversation?
everyone. this is normal with conversations
This is a great way to invite complainers into your life. An empathetic response validation whatever the person is saying is good in certain situations, just as the 7 other "wrong" responses a good in other situations.
Acknowledging feelings is only the first step in creating a good connexion, there's more to that if you want to maintain that good connexion and many of those 7 other responses are great follow-ups to that initial empathetic reaction.
Pockets I agree those 7 things can be the right thing to do sometimes but the point was that they create distance and shut the other person down if that’s all they ever get from someone. To know when to be honest with someone I care about even though they might not want to hear it, I need to really listen when they’re speaking about things they care about, and to consider what they might be feeling about it. That’s the point I got out of this
1:02 Was that... a pun?... “Read books” and “red books”?.... If it was that was such a clever little thing to do.
obviously dude
Good catch lmao! Didn’t notice that hahah
No stop I always ask questions, like when my roommate was crying about how depressed she was.
"are you on your antidepressants?" "what's the dosage now" "should you increase it?" "have you gone to therapy?" "did anything trigger it?" "do you want me to do anything for you?" "ya want some fooood?"
AHHHHH NOOO
I think the questions one depends on context and the person tbh. I think questions that express interest are good (?) But in the example, where a friend is going through a hard time, I think she was trying to show that sometimes showing empathy and just being with them in what they're feeling or allowing them to feel those things is more helpful than trying to understand everything or solve things.
Aww that's so sweet of you to offer to grab them food. I know when I'm really depressed, I don't have the energy to take care of my basic needs.
I think the last two questions are the lesser annoying ones than the previous ones
7 ways Anna Akana makes our lives better:
she
keeps
making
incredibly
helpful
videos
wow
... what?
OH. That makes sense. As a child our feelings are denied. That’s why we do this. THAMK YOUUU!!!
friend:"my boss was so rude today"
me:"okay"(trying to avoid all the 7 rules)
vs
friend:"my boss was so rude today"
me:"oh that's awfull. What did they do?"
which one shows more interest and carrying🤷♀️
She meant don't ask prying questions that are self-involved like focusing on getting gossip, discovering evidence for how your friend messed up, or using questions to build your own story in your head instead of allowing your friend to tell the story on their terms (rather than based on your interrogation). Get it? Questions that are meant to gain insight to a friend's feelings and that help you learn context of the situation so you can be more empathetic to their feelings are actually ok.
Sigh, but of course, some of ya'll take things way too literally. It's like people these days don't have nuance anymore 😒
I regularly forget how to interact like a human being too!
i end up talking like someoen from a nonexistent place
Well I'm guilty as charged.
See you guys in the converse county jail.
1:19 was so cute!! That little “ooh!!” With the fingers. Omg. So cute. Can’t stop replaying that part. But yeah I agree. I want them to continue talking so I ask a lot of questions to get the whole picture and all of that. Then sometimes I share my own story... yeah I don’t communicate well. I do all of these things. This is hard.
I CAME AS SOON AS I HEARD!
These videos have really helped my life, thank you for helping me to be a better person
there might be a problem if you are coming so fast
@@MatterOfFire asddjfskgsktw
@@MatterOfFire Nice :)
Angelica...
All the way from London? Damn!
Sorry couldn't help the Hamilton reference!
@@ihatemondays1803 amazing!
that amateur psychoanalysis kinda hit close to home
let's be friends, i love that
Omfg same lol
Best thing to do when someone asks tells you about something that bothered them, ask them what they need…just to listen, advice, another perspective
Wouldn't asking questions help you to be empathetic? What if you don't understand the situation
There's a clear difference in questions that are prying, insensitive, and serving to blame someone for something that happened to them and empathetic or clarifying questions... you'll feel it
Sometimes it's not about you, it's about them. Trying to fully understand the context puts the focus on you. Trying to resonate with their feelings puts te focus on them.
@@blop-a-blop9419 but you need to fully understand the concept to give a good advice that could make a difference. Oh wait that’s sin #7 😭😭
The problem is, how the f does TH-cam knows I’m bad at talking? I literally just did all of these🤦🏻♀️
we all do that, that's how a conversation were born... what else could we reply besides these to continue the conversation
Depending on the conversation, there are times when 3:29 might make me uncomfortable for simply having my feelings being overemphasized... Like it's being put on top of the conversation. I can just tell that a person is trying too hard to fish out words to comfort me, especially if it's done in wrong timing. Unless, the person or friend has a follow-up advice or even anything relatable they can share, the discomfort will go away~
I agree with most of those but it is also highly dependent on the context of the situation.
*_"SOoooOoo TH-cam videos?!" haha_*
For years I have been the person that people come to for advice, they have told me that they trust my input and that they trust that I will listen to them. For a long time I have been a guy who just listens to what people say; paying attention to what what they say, how they feel when they say it, and what reason they have for saying it. This helped me to see how people think, why they do and say the things that they do and say, and when they feel like they need to talk.
If you want to be a better talker, be a better listener. Do not force the conversation that you want be a part of the one you are in. If you pay attention to the situation involved, words used, attitude of the person during the conversation, and physical cues (which are different from person to person, and is likely the most important and difficult part to learn) you can become a better talker.
You should only give advice if someone asks for it or when they truly need it, not when you want to give it.
But after stating all of the above, I still make mistakes and sabotage conversations. No one is perfect and it is easy to make these errors, just do what you can to avoid them and it will become easier to such.
Without those 7 ways, especially asking questions, I don't know how to talk
idk this feels something like you should never tell the truth and just lie so they feel better or smth LOL
But..when I do that, they feel like I don't care about them, they need advice literally. That's why I listen and gave them some advice to make them feel better.
I think she's just meaning to not give out unsolicited advice. If your friends know you give out advice and come to you for that, that's entirely different than if they just want to rant about something. Sometimes someone will just want to vent about something and not try to work on finding a solution, so you just have to be aware of if they want advice or not. I tend to just straight-up ask "do you want to vent or do you want advice", and that seems to work well for me.
i feel so called out lol
but also, is there a way to be empathetic and also respond with advice or so. because empathy could be comforting and that's fine but sometimes there are things that people need to hear that will make them uncomfortable. so perhaps it's situational? or you provide empathy always as a basis and then offer advice? otherwise are your conversations not just lots of hearing and talking with very little solving?
this was great because I'll be more mindful to be empathetic, but I'll also continue to provide advice or such when necessary or when requested or whatever
I think it is best to be empathetic by acknowledging peoples feelings as a basis when they feel stressed out. Mostly offer to help whenever needed instead of assuming people want help. The ethics of social moral code states that most people, especially men don't appreciate unasked advice.
Hope this helps
Usually when people are in distress they aren't in the proper mental state to receive your advice and take it to heart. It's important to get them through their emotions first, otherwise no real work can be done.
I only give advice when they ask me, i hate unsolicited advice...
I think the key word is requested when giving advice. I remember reading that giving advice when someone did not ask for it is not good practice in conversation.
I love how she mentions the book, “ how to win friends and influence people.” If you haven’t, you should definitely check it out! Such an amazing book and I’m barely even done. Best investment I’ve ever made so far.
I am also guilty of all these! I teach "effective use of the English language", so I do see how asking questions in a conversation is important. However, you need to frame the questions in a way that is effective (helpful) and you should only give advice if it is requested. I like your point, which is that we should LISTEN and acknowledge the other person's feelings.
Ok Anna this is great but I wanna bring you everywhere and make this hours long so.. Podcast???
Wow, all these scenarios were so natural, I would have never thought they were wrong ways to handle a conversation
"....then interrupted sporadically with cutaways to illustrate or negate the points" - love you Anna!
you have helped me a lot. I'm very greatful for your videos especially "Be Vulnurable" and "How to be happy now"
Thank you Anna for this. While I typically give empathic responses naturally, this gives me specific things to avoid and focus on with my two year daughter so that I make sure she learns to be naturally empathetic in her responses as she grows up.
sooooo your gonna raise her to just not speak cause thats basically what shes saying
These are not all necessarily bad. Communication can be very complex.
For example asking questions is not bad at all but it’s bad if someone is talking to you abt how they’re hurting for some reason and through questioning (in order to get fast answers and understand the situation for example) it seems as if you’re invalidating their experiences. Maybe once a person has calmed down u can ask more questions. It’s all about timing and understanding people’s needs.
Are you giving unwanted advice? Some people want advice and some other people want to be understood.
It’s not about blindly validating a person’s feeling either. Honesty is important. But a conversation is not a debate.
It’s important to be honest and it’s also important to be empathetic and keep a healthy balance between these two.
She makes me address things I’ve locked away and completely forgot about
I came here just to note that the title is wrong, I ruin every conversation in more than 7 ways
I’m a very sarcastic person. Dis gone be hard.
Everything you've just mentioned I do like everyday
Maybe that's why I've just lost 3 friends lol
Well the good thing is that you acknowledge what you did wrong but it is never one person's fault!
Worse thing in the world is realizinng that you were a Bad friend, And thats why some people stop talking to you :(
Or maybe your friends were garbage.
Hi Anna, I just want to say, you have been such a great help to people who are actually having a hard time connecting to other people.
Wow. I knew my mom was doing that to me but it's crazy how much of it is on the list.
Same :')
Everyone does this to everyone, because people instinctively want to help you rather than just listen and leave you in as much pain as when you started.
th-cam.com/video/-4EDhdAHrOg/w-d-xo.html
this sure sounds interesting but I think most things you mentioned are normal in a conversation. If for the other person the room is hot but for you it's cold, should you lie and agree with them for the sake of... agreeing? if they are trashing on their boss, instead of trying to understand the situation should you jump on the "yeah they're guilty" wagon? I love your videos Anna, but I can't support this one. To me it comes off as really conformist and I would rather have different opinions and discussions. In that way I won't make friends with everyone but at least I will find the right ones.
Anyway, thanks for providing us with different points of view as usual! xx
Boyana S exactly. If we just act like fake listeners, we’re indirectly harming others. What’s the point of forcing yourself to be politically correct in order to keep a friendship? Real friends won’t leave because of that
Boyana S Just What I’m thinking.
First you make an empathetic sentence, which makes people feel like you understand them, ask some important questions about the situation and then you come up with your opinion. That's the best way to come up with an advice I've ever figured out. Don't make an advice if you can't do it properly tho, just tell you don't know what to think about it.
xKateshi damn so now I gotta give empathy, advice AND ask questions? Great I’ll just not talk at all.
I wish that people could have a conversation about how one may have to balance constructive but inconvenient truths vs useless but kind words. Perhaps you start with some empathy than a surprise attack of inconvenient truths
Bruh. I'm guilty. I have learned something valuable today. Thank you.
not me watching this because quarantine has made me forget how to hold conversations
Glad I’m not the only one
Same!
Hehe yeahh
I ASK QUESTIONS ALL THE TIME TO KEEP THE COVERSATION GOING AND LEARN MORE. I DIDNT KNOW THIS WAS A BAD THING 👁️👄👁️😭
It's not
There are questions and then there are questions. Do you think you sound more like a child asking a parent or a cop asking a motorist?
There are prying questions that feel like they're just digging for gossip or looking for a way to see how it's all your fault, and then there are inquisitive questions that feel like they're trying to clarify the situation and gain some insight to understand your reaction. The first type is selfish & unwilling to acknowledge your feelings, the second type is centered on building better context to become empathetic to your feelings.