My Abusive Husband Is Dating Another Woman
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 ต.ค. 2024
- My Abusive Husband Is Dating Another Woman
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I told my violent ex-husband's new girlfriend to be careful. That he was dangerous. She replied " I know" but she stayed. She died mysteriously & her family contacted me. They think he did it! For REAL.
My husband and I met as coworkers, and I left the job a couple of years later to be a SAHM. One of our coworkers, and a woman I thought was a friend, started grooming my husband at work, and when covid hit she started to text him day and night and inch it slowly to more intimacy. I watched in horror for a year and a half, and my husband never believed she was doing this (“what?! We’re just in the same field and talking shop”). This woman got her husband by cheating on her former boyfriend with him and getting him lined-up, and she using the same tactic on my husband. Finally I found a Reddit post all about grooming for emotional affairs and my husband agreed to read it and all the comments. Thankfully he finally saw, and he felt dirty 🤣 because he really never saw what she was doing. He cut all contact and blocked her number. After a year of her trying to keep it going, she finally transferred out of his department. I say this because a person who knowingly is having an affair (physical or emotional) with someone who is MARRIED, is a complete piece of garbage. The girl you tried to warn was doing no such thing, as he was your ex. You did a great kindness trying to warn her, and I imagine you already know this, but if you struggle at all - know that no part of her sad fate falls on your shoulders.
😮
Look up Chris Harris, born in 78 in the idoc prision records. He killed 5 people. That was a bullet dodged literally
Illinois Department of Corrections.
I warned her. Now, he is in an Illinois prison for life.
This the best scenario ..while he is distracted by another woman get out and get far. Get full custody and RUN!!!!
Please listen carefully, it’s non of her business..
This is how I got out. She was distracted. It was a blessing really.
@@NafisaPalla-I don’t think you are understanding the comment you’re replying to. 🤦🏻♀️
You not listening to this video?? FFS , 🙄
@@spamh8r1007
Dr. John is so caring to his callers. He acknowledges their feelings, validates their concerns, and genuinely wants to make a positive difference in their situations. When he said "I believe in you" 😢
As unfortunate as it is, the likelihood of her not believing you is high and then it just puts you in more danger
Yup. The other woman is more likely to do one of these things, 1) Believe the wife is lying out of jealousy, 2) Believe the man was only terrible to the wife because the wife was terrible first, and now he's bettered himself with the other woman.
Do what Dr. John is telling you! He knows! Take care of yourself and get out of the house! Worry about yourself and son above all.
@@reckonerwheel5336can you imagine his reaction on finding out the caller torpedoed his relationship?!
Anyone slwho says she should tell this woman is putting their principles against her safety.
Yes, there’s the chance he will take revenge on her. But there could be a way to do it anonymously once the divorce is over.
Yes exactly. I lived this and no one listened until he hit her in the face and the cops got called. Sad but very true that it's a waste to warn the other women.
You can tell her when you’ve settled your life first. This woman needs to put herself first for the first time in probably forever.
Agree! It seems she’s too focused on the OTHER woman. She’s sad about it and wants to stick it to him. Honey just get OUT.
@@AshleyLebedev I don't think she's trying to stick it to her husband. I think people in abusive situations often exercise control by protecting others form the abuser, because they feel too out of control of their own safety. It's a proxy thing.
Amen.
I disagree. I think she’s put herself first for the majority of her life. Imagine wanting to stir up trouble with your “abusive” ex whilst having no money/savings, over prioritizing your child. She’s just as gross.
She made a mistake telling him exactly when and not just going . She also needs to forget about the other woman , who will not believe her anyway , and her husband may injure her and her son . I hope she listens to the advice , but I do not think that she will .
The problem with warning the other women is the husband probably already ran a smear campaign on his wife. He has probably already ran the smear campaign all over the place. The only way the warning may help the other women is if she didn't know he was married.
Yep & it’s infuriating that people are so Dumb to believe it. Especially women!!
She said she doesn’t think the other woman knows he is married
Happened to me before I could utter a word! Pow experience since 2003, tried to take me out, but GOD. Did everything to destroy my extended family, & destroy my good name! Very much manipulated & gaslit the children! 3 of 4 very messed up as a result! I can't save any of them, can only pray! But certain people in the mix have communicated to the new step children is my understanding. Mainly to keep an eye out for their Mom's health & safety! This only came up after she started showing signs of his abuse! The children are all adults now. Praying for all, including him! A great deal came from his very messed up Mom, but you chose who you will be in life! He has actually discussed this with me in recent years, & said he knew he had the chance at numerous key points in his life to choose a better way. But chose greed & selfish desires! But I have also had his cohorts/sister etc driving past my out of the way little house pointing at it! We keep our heads on swivels around here! And I trust pretty much no one, but my eldest son, & Mom!
@@whosaidthat9265 I meant to add that I believe she Should tell her that he IS, in fact, Married!!
@jmhellmann5236... Every adulterer does the same. It is common.
He has already manipulated her into believing you're crazy &/or bitter. No sense in trying, because it will just "prove his point." This was ME 5yrs ago!!! I pray she remains safe!!! 🙏🏼
The husband probably pushed her once. Calm down.
@raleighman3000 Just because it was "just once" & "only" a shove" does NOT mean she's safe! This lady mentioned that he had been acting nice. It's an abuser's ploy to make the victim believe that everything is getting better, so s/he'll decide to stay a little longer. Once they realize that their control is gone & the victim IS leaving, often they snap! The "simple push" 4yrs ago could become a beating with a bat. Or a bu||et.
@whitechicacooks5780 dramatic much? There's a huge difference between a one time push (for example) and a serious physical incident (she would have described the incident if it had been serious). We have no idea if she pushed or hit him, or what happened. Stop inserting your own experience and dislike of men.
@@GUITARTIME2024 Ok, sure, whatever! (BTW, your flippancy about her safety is kinda abusive. But I digress... 🤷🏻♀️)
@whitechicacooks5780 it's not flippant, it's realizing that she would have been more descriptive if it was serious. You can't read people. He was likely a verbal abuser, and there's a decent chance she was too. Women love to have zero accountability, and it all leads to crazy cat lady world.
My dad always tells me "you can't save the world" and I think it applies in the scenario. While your intentions are pure, it won't do any good to try and interfere. In fact, it could make things worse.
Swear bro 😂 mfs now days CANNOT mind their own business and in this scenario quite literally can’t mind their own business to save their own life😂
Be grateful for her. Think about your son right now. I made the mistake of giving my husband 50/50 custody and was in court for custody for 6 years after that. Get custody now. My thought was, who am I to take away his children? Well, she was taking care of them while he was at work anyway. Get custody of your child now. Don't make the same mistakes I did trying to be fair.
Whats wrong with 50 50 custody
50 50 is default. it's rare you're able to get full custody as a woman unless the male walks away from his children. as they most often do
Because if he will hit her eventually he will hit them.
@@taneishiacrawford1464 nothing if he's going to be with the children.
Yes I refused to give my narcissist ex physical custody. Glad because he would have never let me see my son. He would have gone back to Chicago and I would never had seen him again.
If you tell her & it ruins his affair he will never let you leave! Dont worry about her now.
🎉🎉🎉🎉100%🎉🎉🎉🎉
Which may, on some level, be why this caller feels compelled to interject.
She just lost her mom and is losing her husband and has a young kid.
Probably feels extra vulnerable now... But this guy isn't stable enough to be her security blanket.
No he is not. He doesn't even want to. Neither is his new girlfriend.
She'll find out. Soon enough.
Or she'll have a different dynamic in their relationship. Because she'll require that. Or leave instead of force it with resentment building.
I once broke it off with a good guy. No abuse or anything. We just wanted different things and it was time. So we let it go. No worries.
We have a bunch of mutual friends, though, and maintained friendly polite hello distance. 10 years later, his new girlf tried to keep calling me whenever their relationship had issues or problems. We had met a a mutual friends' wedding and I reluctantly gave her my number or FB when she asked since she was new to the group and I wanted to be polite.
By then I'd married and made a family with my now husband who did not appreciate the drama this lady interjected on us that was none of our business.
Her problems with my ex had nothing to do with us. I had told her multiple times her man and I were different people now, grown ups, and I barely even knew him by this point. I could not help and it was inappropriate for her to keep asking.
I blocked them and changed my number. I told her I was sorry I couldn't help solve her problems with him (she was older, a grown up, we'll over 40 by then which seemed shocking) but she wouldn't respect my polite requests for her to stop calling me about him and to solve it with him instead.
I did call to let him know that my family requires their respect and that I wished him best of luck with all that. I sincerely hoped it would work out for the best for each of them if not both.
That saved 20 minute phone calls 2-3 times per week but like hours of recoil management from the emotional impact of their drama on our family.
Unnecessary.
I was trying to raise 3 kids under 5 at that point. Too tired for another couple's drama. Just trying to keep all my kids' diapies clean.
Time for her drama?
Nope! That was up.
What I mean is - different relationships have different dynamics. Ours were good until they weren't so we let them go.
Theirs were good until they weren't but they had to hold on - for no reason but to keep using and abusing each other.
Last I heard they were on hard drugs living out of his mom's old car. Ugh. Not the future I would have chosen for myself. Phew! Glad I let go when I did and blocked that bad energy. Life has enough challenges.
I'm sorry if that is how they wound up and I still hope for the best for them, but from a safe distance of the house my family now owns and lives in. A few states away. I became the stability I needed in that relationship for myself. And that attracted a stable guy. Who also had marriage stability as a goal after meeting me... And so we create that through ups and downs of daily life but the pleasant surprises are worth the efforts and dramas of the unpleasant one's. We are lucky that way. And hard working.
Some folks are looney tunes cray cray but most are having vulnerable human moments. It's easier to let go if I forgive.
If this caller can forgive these folks for being vulnerable to one another's advances she can move on faster and healthier from their drama. Drama is tempting. It gets the blood pumping.. Feels like it flushes the system but might just flush your life down with it.
You gotta be careful to set boundaries and forgive so you don't get sucked down with the swirlee you might want to give them.
Drama toilets are slippery and steep. Not worth the risk, if you ask me.
💯
She said she will tell the other female after things are signed and basically finalized. Anyone who has truly been abused for years wants to warn another. It doesn't mean the other female will listen but at least she will know.
❤
Yes! So true! Let him go to her, good riddance!
My marriage ended due to a level of abuse that netted a prison sentence. His next gf knew that and married him anyways despite being warned off. Low and behold the guy reoffended and back into prison. Often the next person isn't willing to hear any level of advice from the first partner until it's too late for them too.
This !!!! They know how to choose victims .
Right. It comes from an attitude of victim blaming. They believe that person won't treat them the same way.
That's because the next person always feels they can change them and you must have done something wrong. Let people learn on their own and just stay away from abusers. I understand the caller's frustration but the new woman in her husband's life might be getting different treatment from the husband than she did. It's clear that the caller's husband did not feel the need to treat her well but that doesn't mean he will treat the next woman poorly. People treat you based on their perception of you. It's best she moves on and use her love for herself and her child. The best revenge is making sure to not spend another second thinking about your abuser and making sure that you use your efforts to better your life.
That’s not your burden to carry you did the right thing by warning her, if she decided to stay that’s on her now
Mine tried to take my life, did everything to destroy me, children, extended family & succeed much! BUT GOD! But I have had to struggle & just pray about warning the new wife! It was clear some bizarre things had been said to her & her children! I stay friendly, helpful & pretty much just stay away! The new wife was very hostile to me, and has issues that he & I can still sit & chat as friends. As a counselor, O offered to help them blend the family! But she was having none of it & just went to buy & control my childrens affection! Fancy parties with much free booze & no real limits, etc! With MINORS! Sometimes all you can do is pray, I have found from experience that always the best thing to do is pray! GOD can save them where I definitely can not!
I don't think it's safe for her to approach the other woman at this juncture. Even if she did tell her the other woman will see it as sour grapes, and the husband will affirm this. I told my dad's girlfriend how abusive my father was before he moved in with her and she accused me of lying out of jealousy. Two weeks after he moved in with her,in a temper he hit her 11yr old son and she chucked him out.
I mean, then the woman in your story learned that some people are trying to help after the fact. Perhaps she will pay more attention next time. Her response doesn’t mean that you didn’t do the right thing by telling her. Some people will listen and will appreciate. Don’t let morons turn you into a less compassionate person.
I did the same thing with my dad’s girlfriend. It’s crazy how they don’t believe abusers kids as if we don’t know our own parents and then she put her own child in harms way
As a man about to be married in 4 months, and with how precious my wife-to-be is to me, the thought of another man abusing his wife just enrages me to my core. Be better, men.
@@dabd8175 or, hear me out, don’t abuse your wife
@@dabd8175 or, hear me out, husbands shouldn’t abuse their wives
@@dabd8175 I suspect that you have no intention to be better 🤣🤣🤣
Good on you. Don’t listen to these people insulting you. They are pissed because they know women will never respect them. Your mindset will be much appreciated
@@argiehercules1374 I can guarantee this guy is single
Mrs, Caller focus on YOUR divorce. Put yourself first BEFORE you talk to this woman. Get your house, file for divorce and settle down, then re-evaluate weather or not you tell her. Personally I would not say anything. He's her problem now. Focus on you.
That’s the very good point. He needs to focus on something. Otherwise he focuses on him torturing her mentally in the last month.
Do you want peace ? I am asking because if you reveal to this woman all that you know about your EX it will backfire on you ...The woman will reveal that you told her all about him . She will confront him with all you told her ..He will become defensive and vindictive toward you and even possibly your son ...Peace ...remember ? Go your way ,let her go her way ...Years later maybe you will be able to speak perhaps ....NOT NOW .....Even though you are divorcing you should NOT mix in his new personal life,exception is child care ...It will enrage him ....Trust me .
I get what you mean, but a man should not have to be any woman’s “problem”
She should focus on her divorce, but not say anything? So you would knowingly let someone like that create the same misery to another human being, which could actually become worse for that person? How would you even be able to sleep at night? Goodness gracious...
whether
It's not worth the risk. She's got a kid and her own safety to prioritize
She is engaged in some sort of an entanglement with a married man who, regardless of what he has done, is still your husband. You don't owe her anything. Do what you got to do to get you and your children safe and let them implode together.
Entanglement? No Jada, it's an outright affair lol. But I agree, she owes her nothing. Let them implode together 👏
She said the other does not know she is the other woman
@@Sibbyym She may not. Nothing is certain at this point.
Jada aproves 😂
@@GameChanger597 No she said emotional affair. Translation they are friends as emotional affair is mostly made up therapy talk.
He's likely to have to told her many lies about you and she wont beleave you. Just GO!!
Agreed
She said that she probably doesnt iniw he is married
She said that she probably doesnt iniw he is married
She said that she probably doesnt know he is married
She said that she probably doesnt know he is married
She definitely needs to get out first. I really appreciate that advice. She needs to put on her oxygen first and focus on her stuff.
I warned my ex's new women, especially when he was 39 and got together with a woman that was still a teenager. She was 18. I was so worried for her. I'm still worried for her
I was the abused person who walked away from it with my life …barely …stay out of anything to do with him because I know where it could lead
I warned the next woman my ex husband got with, she didnt do anything about it at the time but when he started gwtting abusive with her later, knowing he had a pattern of being abusive helped her smell the coffee and leave very quickly at that point. She later thanked me for trying to warn her and said she wished she had listened then. Me and her are now friends and our sons are very close i let her son come over and spend the night with my son his brother all the time.
thats a happy ending. glad some people have sense. my best friend had a woman warn her about the guy she was newly dating (choked her out tried to kill her). she didn't listen. ended up getting pregnant by him and abused for 7 years. he only left her because he cheated on her with his best friends wife and got her pregnant.
now she's single, has her son and is so much happier. the guy is married to the side piece and keeps knocking her up.
smh!
my question is why do you marry such men?
It’s so maddening that a woman would put her own child in harms way, instead of listening to a warning
4:27 “Put your oxygen mask on first” is a perfect analogy which of course comes from the flight speech. You can’t help anybody else with theirs until you help yourself. I would not get involved in the ex’s relationship. And to be honest, it’s not your business.
This lady sounds incredibly kind.
I hope her future is full of brightness and potential and that she can help others in the long run but right now she has to tend to her own garden.
Codependent
I left an abusive marriage. He went to Texas I’m in Indiana I was safe. I called his phone months after break up. And a lady answered I told her who I was about his abuse. I had surgery on my face. He never did pay for it. She did in a short time leave him I told her also how he tried to get money out of me. She own a house too. We were married less then two years Laws here change after two years.
Why did you call his phone months after leaving this abusive person? Just curious....
@@sensimania because he had not made the hospital payments and they came to me about it so I went to him…. Long story short I had to pay the 8,000$. Bill.
@@sensimaniaa vulnerable moment maybe? Or the illusion that chasing the money to fix the face he broke might be worth the effort. Abusers don't manage conflict - or consequences well by definition. If they did they could avoid using abuse as a tactic for avoiding responsibility for realities they cause or contribute to.
Girl, I'm so sorry for the face but the money chase isn't worth it.
Let karma or God or your success levels stand up for your revenge.
Oprah said, "the best revenge is success." I think she was quoting Maya Angelou.
Had an opportunity to just let the new girlfriend meet me! I wasn't what he had claimed. Then a little situation presented where I just gave her an eye raise look! It seemed she picked up on it & got uncomfortable! I stepped out & shortly she left the relationship! Actually ended up having a little repore' with her a few years later. I had a special coffee cup of hers my son had left at my house. We laughed about it & she said ky gift to you. I told her she had idea the bullet she dodge! The next gal was completely different! All I can do for her is pray! She doesn't like me around. Amazed I got an invitation to my younger son's upcoming marriage. They keep him under much control with $$$$$ & alcohol 😢 Praying without ceasing for all!
@@maryperrysmith5815 What??? 😳 Sorry that happened to you. People like him always seem to leave an effed up "parting gift" for their victims. They can't keep getting away with these things 😤
I am going through a “still gotta live together” breakup and have been binging your videos for insight into the emotions im feeling. I was listening as I was cleaning and I stopped mopping and sat down when you said “ Peace isnt the path of least resistance, sometimes it’s SUPER resistant. Sometimes it’s super frustrating , sometimes it’s super exhausting. But we’re seeking the least amount of chaos” because .. that could not have come at a better time. I’ve been thinking “aaaa maybe the mental abuse isn’t so bad. Maybe I can handle it another year so I can get on my feet without picking up another job and selling my antiques. Moving out is going to be so hard. All I want is calmness and I won’t be calm regardless for a long time.” And wow. I won’t have a calm life after moving out but I will SURELY be moving towards the least chaos. For sure. Thank you!
I've just recently been on my own after the abuser was required by the court to leave. It was horrific having to stay under the same roof until that date. The chaos does indeed get better as the process continues. There are frustrating things that I get angry about because "if he had just treated me right, I wouldn't be in this or that situation". But. Every day is a day closer to total riddance of him. That automatically means less chaos. I wish you the moments of calm that help you see the finish line too. Take care.
Don’t release him from financial responsibility. It is not your fault or responsibility that he is in debt. At the very least, he must be obligated to pay child support.
SHE CAN GET INCOME WITHHOKDING ORDER FROM COURT, THEY WILL TAKE MONEY DIRECTLY OUT O FHIS PAYCHECK, AFTER THAT HE HAS TOLIVE OFF WHAT IS LEFT.
Ma’am that woman isn’t going to believe you. You need to focus on your healing and escaping that situation
True. She might think it as the caller being a jealous ex. And her soon to be ex-husband could likely claim the caller to be crazy.
The callers worries are understandable. But it's better for her to work on herself.
The notion of a flawless marriage or relationship is a myth. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, I've discovered that there's always a way forward, even in the most challenging times. Five years ago, my wife and I encountered significant hurdles in our marriage that nearly led to divorce. Despite the adversity, we managed to weather the storm and emerge from it with our bond renewed and revitalized..
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Letting go of someone you love is always challenging, but in my situation, I had the guidance of a spiritual counselor who prevented my marriage from falling apart. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters..
I will look her up online right now.... I hope this works....Thanks
You wont regret it
There's no excuse for abuse. She doesn't deserve it & has made one of the hardest decisions she will ever make.She needs to do this for herself & her sons wellbeing she has made the right decision & should be applauded for it
Protect yourself and your son first! She knows he’s married, trust me.
Agreed
Exactly she should be grateful this woman has done her a favor let him be somebody else's problem I wouldn't tell her 💩 she'll find out in her own
They say hell hath no fury on a woman scorned
She could not know. There are guys that lie and tell others they are single and remove their ring.
My evil exhusband used to threaten me that he would hunt me down and kill me if I ever left him. I was saved by him leaving me for one of the women he was cheating on me with. Hooray! I felt so sorry for her but so relieved for myself. Naturally he ended up treating her the same way he treated me, abusing her physically, emotionally, financially etc. They broke up two years later, and then he wanted to get back together with me! 🤣🤣🤣
I was so happy my husband got involved with someone else and left! 12 years later he still wanted to come back. No way!!!!!
why did you marry such a man?
Why would either of you even talk to these idiots again to find that out? And if he was so EVIL you wouldn't be laughing about it.
I was so very happy when my abusive ex found someone else to latch onto. He had already warned me to not tell her anything about how he treated me in the relationship (said I better not do anything to ruin his relationship with her). I had no intention of doing that as I wanted him to go away and forget I exist.
@@chrissyellem7397where did she say she talked to them to get the information. She could have heard it through the grape vine for all we known, we don’t know this woman. And the reason why she’s laughing isn’t because that woman got abused , it’s cause her husband abused her , had an affair and left, and then came crawling back after he wrecked that one to.
She’s not laughing at the woman he had a affair with she’s laughing at the man who abused BOTH of them
Sister warned her ex-husband’s girlfriend. She didn’t listen and three months later he breaks her thumbs and knocks her teeth out. He spent 18 months in prison and is now remarried. I feel sorry for his new wife.
how do these type of men get women? are they manipulative demons?
Wow women need to really just start paying for criminal reports...from now on im looking people up first it's easy nowadays to do!
I've been where you are... Worry about yourself and your child. Make sure you're ok. Focus hard on that. Let this other woman find out for herself. She's not your biggest problem, your soon-to-be ex is. If he's abusive, he will use the divorce process to further the abuse. Prepare for that. Seek out help from your local DV shelter. One of the services they offer is navigating the legal process...and support group.
Such a great comment ❤I’ve been there too unfortunately and am currently still going through the legal system bc he keeps dragging everything out after our divorce.
@@lauren_WI I'm sorry you're still dealing with that. He's dragging it out to continue his control AND making you waste your financial resources on legal fees and court costs. It's downright ugly. I promise it does eventually end. In my case, it ended when a judge finally ruled against him.
Here’s how it goes… I was literally in the same position. Engaged, living in his parent’s house(which he originally told me was his-lol) with my two kids. I told the girl.. she fluffed me off, he went nuts. Messaging me, emailing me, trying to falsely claim things. Threatening me in person, he found out where I lived, he sat on the park bench at the end of my street for hours daily!! I completely understood how he thought at that time.. so I ghosted, blocked, literally would turn in opposite direction instead of passing by the park. He did this for 2 years!!!! That’s how bad it was. Emotional abusers are scary!!! He was pissed off I notified the next girl. Apparently they broke up repeatedly and after 4 years, they married. Unbeknownst to her, several of her family members are my life long friends. They didn’t like him when they met him.. and keep telling me how the drama never ends with them. But she stays. She’s a counselor - I find it very sad. That he can even fool a degreed counselor!! But he’s a serious gaslighter. Love bomb -“you’re the only one for me” then total degradation- acting like you can’t make even a simple decision like picking out a rug.. or grocery shopping.. it was stupid now that I look back at it, that i cried over grocery shopping!!! Rage doesn’t go away. It’s been 7 years now. But I channel it into hobbies, earning wealth, work .. and just recently writing about it.. anonymously.
This abuse does serious damage. My kids,now adults seem pretty good. Thankfully. But this call had me up in the air. I pulled over, got some food and wrote this.. I never do that. But I’m so mad for her. I know exactly what she feels. I hear it in her voice. Prayers for her recovery. Because it doesn’t stop there. In the end, I’m still glad I told the lady. She’s unhappy enough that she’s reaching out to family. Maybe one day, she’ll wise up! Maybe not 🤷🏼♀️
She probably wouldn’t listen anyway. I didn’t pay attention to what my ex’s first wife said. I made excuses for his behaviour. Needless to say he showed his true colours. Now he has a criminal record & got married for a third time 2 months after our divorce was finalised. I doubt she would listen to me, so good luck to her. He’s not my problem any more.
Its the new womans lesson to learn on her own. The caller needs to focus on herself and son, shut the door on the past. Moving Forward in Divine Grace with Ease.
My ex is getting remarried. I think about her often, hoping she won’t have to live with the same things I did, but he’s finally left me alone, I’m afraid to reopen that can of worms and put myself in danger, so I say nothing. I just hope she gets out alive.
I understand why you did what you did. Sometimes, you need to protect yourself
Sometimes we just need to pray for people to open their eyes to a situation. We can’t always tell people their issues. A lot of people need to unfortunately experience it before they believe it. Praying can be stronger than saying it.
The way she met him is the same way she is going to lose him.
Give it time and she will be the one coming to you for help. Deal with yourself and son first. ❤
This caller just needs to leave and move on….. forget the abuser and the gf… not your problem… I really hope she follows through and leaves ❤
I was in this exact position. I chose not to tell the new woman because I knew my ex would lie to cover up and call me mental, imagining things etc along with all the other deception he was so good at. They are married now and my children really like her and love their dad. She is good for him, & I have let go of the evil he did to me and my children.
Take care og your mental and physical health. Be alert and a present mama. Your child needs your stability big time. God bless you and your days ahead. 🙏❤🙏
while your comment wont get a lot of likes on this channel (because you put your children first instead of yourself) I applaud you. It takes a real woman to put her interests aside for the betterment of her family
I can never understand the mentality of woman who burn there husbands to the ground as they walk out the door. As an employer I watched 2 good men throw there life away of destructive woman. At the same time they destroyed the kids future. Super sad. You did the mature thing, the right thing. He is good and he is a good dad still. This woman is pure toxic hell. He needs to get her out of his life ASAP!
She wants to protect someone else; will she be doing this for everyone he becomes involved with for eternity?
To be fair, that’s not good logic. It’s like saying, if someone wants to save the life of someone right in front of them, will they then feel obligated to save the lives of millions of people a thousand miles away? This other woman is in this wife’s preview because she’s still having to deal with her husband while they go through a divorce. But, yeah, if someone is bad enough, I would go out of my way to save others from them.
You can’t save everyone, but if you have the opportunity to save one person will you take it?
I feel like we’re really good at lying to ourselves. This is about him.
@@alwaysyouramandayea I wouldn't care because maybe he will change for that person...we just gotta accept truth and go on with our own lives...
Mind your business. Stay out of it. Let her learn her own lessons because she won’t believe you anyway
Who needs to stay out of it?
Right. Share if the other woman asks for her opinion. Not until then. If at all. Not your circus anymore. Not your monkeys.
Wow no morals when you know something bad you tell the person doesn’t matter at all if the person believes it or not its called a warning ‼️
@@dabd8175nope its called a warning takes two minutes to throw a text out and warn someone about abuse its like saying oh my kid is playing in the streets i wont tell my child the child will just find out that its probably not a good idea to play in the streets same way with abuse what your saying is it’s ok if he’s abusive the woman will just find out now if this woman throws a quick message to warn the lady and the lady chooses that’s her choice but actively not doing what you know what’s right is morally wrong
@@dabd8175 no its called a warning ‼️ its like if my kid was playing in the streets and I just don’t tell my kid that it’s a bad idea to play in the streets they’re just going to find out for themselves same way with abuse you’re saying it’s ok he’s abusive the lady will just find out for herself doesn’t matter if she chooses to stay or leave at least she got a warning it takes a minute to throw a text out
They always go after the sweet and kind ones, because the sweet and kind ones always justify their wrong doings out of their kindness. And because the victims are generally good people, it's okay to try to help them when you are out of his grasp.
Instead of telling her that he is abusive, suggest a way for the lady to test him. Just say if you do or say this, he will do and say that.or how he would bs you on such and such things. And leave for that lady to draw her own conclusion.
Yes they do, however, that sweet kind and innocent girl becomes a cold hearted B after Soo much abuse. They tend to get abused in ways you can't imagine. He needs to realize his secrets will be exposed and his house of cards will completely fall apart. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😊
@@shirleybuck6918 very true I used to be really sweet and kind and a narcissist magnate. now at 33 im a lot meaner and abusers run in the opposite direction😂
I was in the exact same situation and I wrote his mistress a letter. She didn't respond until about 9 months later when she said that i was right about him. However, she is trauma bonded (yes, he's a narcissist) and she went back at least two more times. She asked for proof of his abuse so I sent her the audios of him abusing me and she didn't respond. She did go back to him again all while he was hoovering me (trying to get me back). I haven't heard from her again but I guarantee if he snaps his finger she'll go back. Learn about love bombing and trauma bonding. Finding peace is a journey but a year later I am in an unfinished, tiny home that I am slowly building. Went without indoor water for a long time all while he is sitting in our 3200sq ft dream home. You have a right to be angry but use that anger to propel you away from evil and towards a better place for YOU.
I was in a very angry place with my ex. I got him the degree that led him to the fancy house, cars, and lifestyle. I really hated that I gave my all and he got it all and I got nothing. It took me another 17 years of being a single mom and I have finally gotten the nice house and nice car. I have a lot of health issues that I now attribute to all that stress and anger I had over the situation. If I were you just let it all go and live your life best you can. It's the past and you can't change it or him or help her.
This happened to me, only I was just dating the abuser.
So legally it was easier but personally it was devastating.
He started dating an acquaintance and because she and I knew each other long before he and I had ever met she wanted to be friends still.
It was a lovely idea on her part but I knew better.
I sent her 1 email asking her to keep her distance and explained to her she'd understand in about 6-8 weeks why...
Of course she didn't believe me about the 'why' part until 3 months went by. Sadly she ended up getting so wrecked by him that it cost her everything, and, I do mean everything.
She came to me after and we talked and talked. She told me I was the only one who believed her.
You won't be able to stop her trainwreck.
Would you have believed anyone trying to tell you at the beginning?
Take good care of yourself, ok?
It's enough and it's all you can do.
Never tell the future ex anything
Agreed
That is how the Roman catholic church covered up sex abuse for centuries.
I went through exactly the same thing over a year ago. Please don’t deal with his other women issues, deal with your pain n move on n no contact is how you deal with narcissists. Good luck ❤
Bailey, your intentions are pure and you’re so sweet and contentious to call and ask. I just want you to know that if something bad happens to this woman, or any other woman your husband engages with, it’s not your fault. It wouldn’t be fair to you to keep tabs on him for the rest of his life running interference for all of the unsuspecting ladies who might meet him. You will be okay. Good luck!
She’s a mess sounds like. She needs out like yesterday her mental state is she’s hanging on by a thread. Here in Indiana she could call police they would take her and her son to the women’s shelter they would help her get a place to live. Daycare for her child
Oh girl that woman knows you’re his wife. She’s just playing dumb because she’s hoping he moves on with her. Well she’s gonna get her taste of karma and get cheated on too. Let’s see how she feels then.
She may actually not know. Maybe I’m naïve, but yes she may not know
Or his wife is toxic and he will be good as gold with the new lady. She said herself her whole house is on fire. That tells me she has no where to go because she is toxic. Destroying your ex as you walk out the door is just dumb vengeful immaturity in my opinion!
Dr. John, thanks so much for helping this woman. She will be able to make it with your help. The advice you gave he is invaluable , the financial university gift and the books are awesome. Please continue to help her if possible. I was in a very similar situation many years ago, with no one around to help. I made it but it was a long road.
In that situation I wouldn't tell her anything. He is abusive, right? Why should he stop now? When you tell her the truth it could push you in a real dangerous situation.
Leave him and start a new life with your beloved son and stay safe, please! God bless you and I wish you all the best!
Exactly I wouldn't give a damn long as he not bothering me...💯
How does she expect the new woman to leave him when it took her ten years?
People are different from each other, maybe the other woman is stronger mentally/physically etc.
It’s WAY easier for a woman to leave before she’s been love bombed and has fallen in love with the loser. Women stay because they fell for his representative-for the man he pretended to be-so they’re shocked and cannot understand where the good guy went, and they keep trying to get the good man to come back. The newer the relationship, the easier it is to escape.
@@toscadonna Well said. That's what happened to me.
Abuse is more complicated than that. In my experience it was knowledge and a support network that got me out, that literally could have saved my life. Even with knowledge it's a tough road though. Abuse is never as black and white as people from the outside perceive.
She got in too deep, the other woman is just getting started with him. Much easier to leave. I'd personally love to be told the person I'm dating is an abusive jerk before getting too serious with them.
My friends let my ex's new girlfriend know about the abuse, she said she knew, that he told her. She stayed. She ended up in the ICU
As far as your child having another mother figure, I mean in a way that sucks, probably because of pride, but also, if he see's her as a trusting, loyal, reliable, and caring woman, I'd be thankful for that as opposed to the opposite where she could also be abusive. I'd rather my son trust and like/love the other woman than hate her.
Definitely get out with your son but, you will need to get emotionally prepared for some sort of shared custody.
PS. I just read another comment about the other woman being a good distraction to him... I hate to say it but it is true. I got out because of that other woman. I got out alive. If she didn't come around I would have left in a body bag.
I had no desire to "warn" the other woman. I had no dealings with her at all. My husband broke the relationship. Therefore, my role was to reserve my energy, efforts, words and sanity to heal myself from the emotional assault. "Sorry" was a moot issue.
I had a very same experience. I had no job, friends or family that I could depend on. He ran them all off. I had 2 children. He verbally and mentally abused us. We were married for 16 yrs. He findly left me for a much younger woman. When he left it was like a tornado left our home. What a relief. My children and I never shed a tear. He took everything that we had. He made sure my name wasn't on anything that he bought. In the aftermath we survived it. God later bought a wonderfully step dad for my girls. So hang in there. You will be so blessed. You can do this!! If I can do it anyone can.❤❤❤❤
Having been in the situation where I broke up with my abusive ex who then went on to blacken my name to his next target and our friends, I can say right now, she won't believe you. Not because you're wrong, but because he is in a better position to spin the lie. You need to focus on you for a bit. His good behaviour has a time limit and eventually he will end up abusing her too, which will be undeniable. Be there for her if she seeks you out for answers - it's what happened to me, and now I have a great friend who I wish I could have saved her suffering, but there is no bad feeling and she understands that as much as I wanted to warn her in that moment, I couldn't have.
She doesn't owe anybody anything except to focus on her own safety and well being also her child. I think he will end up abusing this woman too. It's not her problem.
I'd be concerned about custody arrangements for her son. If he gets visitation he would have to pay child support to do this. If there's a danger of abuse visitation could be denied or in a supervised setting. There should be definite guidelines concerning visitation if it comes to this.
Verbal abuse!?😂 I’m sure she’s an angel. Words don’t mean anything anymore I guess.
@@williambeast8665 This guy wouldn't get my vote for "husband of the year" either.🤔😒🤨
I have sympathy for the caller and know exactly where she is coming from, I felt so much guilt and the need to protect other women. What made me relax was I did a disclosure- which goes on his record and the police also arrested him which went on his record. So i know in the future any other woman that seeks help or calls police on him they will see his record and hopefully act as swiftly as the police did for me. Honestly to make any assumption that this woman is doing it out of spite is false. Also I know with the man I was with if a woman had told me about him, I would have thought her crazy and not take action BUT i would have noted it down and likely when i started to see the red flags would have trusted my gut more. So I don't think she's wrong at all for feeling that way BUT your safety first.
I completely relate to this woman. You do have a sense of responsibility and it's not got anything to do with jealousy. You know you'll look crazy but it feels so wrong doing nothing.
I was warned about my ex directly from his ex and I ignored her. I didn't believe her. But eventually when it was apparent to me how abusive he was, her words of warning did mean a lot and were validating throughout that confusion.
Letting the mistress keep him without warning is the best revenge. She can’t possibly think she found Prince Charming in an adulterous spouse. She made her own bed and gets to sleep in it.
She doesn't think the other women knows he's married.
@@Ken-s6v in between tiktok, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and all the dating apps...unless he has no social media, she has searched every single platform and knows his state of affairs. It’s purely the wife ‘coping’ with the situation when she says this.
I agree with the collective advice here. 1 thing I haven’t seen addressed that “might” help some. Bailey, Ask yourself if you are truly only concerned with the other woman’s well being OR you don’t want to miss this opportunity to stick it to your husband and block anther woman from getting him? (Even tho he’s a nightmare, it’s often our 1s instinct not to want anyone else not to have them.)Most of us probably would feel both of those things. I think deep down, it would be sticking it to my abuser that would have me hung up on this “dilemma”. Please don’t let it be a dilemma. You have you to get to a better place. You have NO control of what they do with their relationship. You will be far happier forgetting about what you want for him as far as other women go. Let them be “happy” together. As for this other woman being in the dark about his marriage …I can’t imagine a scenario where a wife wouldn’t have already made sure that any “ other woman” knows he is married.
“Let it gooooo, let it goooo….” Doing this in this scenario will show you how empowering it is to shun jealousy and pettiness. Good luck. There’s a rainbow waiting for you.
It isn't your job or responsibility to protect other women from your husband. Unless she calls you and asks, you shouldn't call or do anything or feel guilty. It's not your job! Hopefully she's gonna realise soon who he is.
He probably has already said "my wife was a psychopath, deranged and to blame for everything." So if you try to call and warn her, she won't believe you.
Also how does she not know he's married?? Does she know he has a son? Isn't she curious about WHERE THE SON CAME FROM??! If I met a man who has a child I'm gonna ask, how old, were you married, where is your wife now? I'm Google searching, I'm looking online for divorce proceedings etc. I'm gonna have my radar up.
Also if you warn her and she won't believe you and tells him. He's gonna be vindictive and worse. Don't worry about her, let them go. Fix your life.
I know Dr John is worried about the finances and the debt but her getting away is more important than the debt.
She should tell the woman about her husband. She doesn’t have to but she should
Dr John SAID, “If you can get out before the month, get out.” He’s flat out telling her to leave for safety’s sake, not pushing finances ahead of that.
Sounds to me like she doesn't want to warn her as much as she wants some information. I can't blame her for wanting to know specifically how far her husband has taken this other relationship but it will only damage her mental health further. Good luck and GBY ❤️
John is right. If he hasn't done it in 4 years, he only did it once and he now leaves the house whenever he gets that feeling... He literally changed his behavior in that aspect. There is nothing to tell his new girlfriend. Get to safety and take care of your son.
Sounds like she pushed this man out of his character. I would love to hear his side
Sending ✌️,❤️💚💜 and💡to the "headlining" caller. I didn't look at how long ago this was recorded but I hope that, by now, you found a peaceful place to breathe and have moved beyond any residual grief of the illusion he helped you to create. (Since you're leaving, you've already done most of the grieving.) I'm hoping that you're past all of that and building a new life on your terms. You've got this. I see it and I feel it and you do, too. You've got this. You've got this! You've got this!
And your son is lucky to have you
✌️❤️💚💜💡
My uncle used to beat every woman he was with until he met his wife. She controls him and tells him what to do. She has the personality to keep him in check. They have been married for 35 years.
Be happy that this new woman wants to take a burden off your hands. She might be right or wrong for him, but that's for them to find out
That’s really messed up
Nope. Not reality.
Im so glad he was so kind and so helpful. I hadnt seen this before and cringed as I expected him to lean into her and call her an idiot. Im so glad its a different kind of show. Ill sub.
Dr. John is literally the best man. You are so lucky to have found this channel! Having met him I can tell you he is truly the kindest, most caring, and empathetic guy you will ever meet. ❤️
Divorce is just the paperwork
so is marriage to be honest
I was in a marriage with a cheater and abuser (I didn’t know about the cheating yet). My husband approached my girlfriend, and his then secretary, about hooking up with him. She turned him down, then came straight to me. She told me about a couple of other women he had been cheated with (both of whom I considered to be friends). The most important thing that I learned, was what a real friend looked like. I will be forever grateful for her bravery, and honesty even though it was painful !
In my unfortunate experience, you can warn them but they won't hear you. Especially if they are much younger.
*edit I am still glad I told her. She doesn't deserve it either, and at least the seed was planted that he was not a good man. Maybe she won't wrestle with herself as long as I did and can trust herself to leave sooner than I did.
Take care of your child first the other women is an adult and making her own mistakes sadly
@isay207 no kids, thankfully. And it was about a few years ago. No contact with anyone since. I let her know, she actually did believe me mostly, but thought it would be different with her. Then I disappeared.
“Should I tell the other woman?”
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
For MANY reasons.
I can tell you from experience that dealing with the shelf harem of a narcissistic partner is no bueno. I've been the person warning, my good intentions were met with physical threats on my life from the other woman. Its best to be there if she needs confirmation. Otherwise, please keep in mind that these people aren't always like us, they can often be as dangerous as your partner because he's already convinced her that you are crazy. That woman will figure this out on her own. It's gonna be a test for her.
Yore assuming the hubby's a narc. Lol. Typical.
Awe- Blessings to this gal💝 Trauma counseling,, if u can find a decent counselor. And co-parenting w/a narcissistic abuser groups can be so helpful🌟
The woman knows he's married but it has not stopped her from having this affair. Let him be your treat for her!!!
I notice that women in the comments keep saying they wouldn't believe the ex... that's how these awful dudes keep getting away with this crap. We need to do better at sticking together, warning each other of these creeps...and maybe not automatically believing an ex but at least letting it perk our ears up to the red flags that might already be waving at us that we missed or explained away, that should NOT be ignored.
This is the most dangerous time for you please leave as soon as you can please be safe. I was in your place with my son 45 years ago and found so much happiness my heart goes out to you. I went into a refuge for safety xxxx
I came here to see if most women have learned the answer is unequivocally NO!
Happy to see we are on the same page.
This is the one advice I don't like and most people say it. You ABSOLUTELY NEED TO WARN THE OTHER WOMAN! No matter what. What she does with it is her choice. But it's on YOU to say something. This is why gossip is in our genes. Before internet and other media - this was the only way to find out about people in your village. Who stole? Who cheated? Who beat someone up? If everyone kept everything to themselves there would be no accountability. Why wait till more lives are devastated and someone ends up dead because "it's none of your business". That's a bunch of crap. TELL PEOPLE ABOUT BAD BEHAVIOUR!!!!
"put your oxygen mask on first."
I love that answer!
It’s hard to do what she is doing but you can hear the spark in her voice. She is so ready. I wish her all the best. She needs to take full advantage of his distraction and get her stuff in order. Once she is good and stable, she can let the other woman know if she still thinks it’s necessary.
I know where she is at rn because I went through the same thing. I left with my suitcases and went into a little bit of debt to set up my new household. I didn’t want to take anything with me that would remind me of my old life. New start.
The other woman is not a priority right now. They won’t get married in a couple of months. It’s not urgent.
If I was the new woman...I would very much WANT TO KNOW, and I would pay very close attention so that I would spot the red flags if the ex was telling the truth. In this case, the lady needs to ensure her safety first.
If anyone is in an abusive relationship and leasing, tell your landlord you are trying to leave and need to break your lease! Your safety comes first any Landlord who doesn’t understand that and still wants to hold you accountable is a jerk themselves!
If you’re telling the truth it won’t do anything because she will just see it as jealousy unfortunately, she is not your responsibility, she is an adult and you need to move forward and better yourself.
I participated in an intervention, led by her pastor and a team of family and friends and her therapist. I felt better that the truth was told.
I'd warn her. I'd be like look I know you won't believe me but I just have to tell you cuz I don't want any other woman to suffer like I did... And then you completely leave it alone
Terrible advice
John,you are amazing. I was in the same situation and I wish someone had told me these things back then!
If he is love bombing her, she will only see the amazing guy, and wont believe you. She will run to tell him. And will think you are bitter. So stay out of it and work on yourself. She will be in a love haze right now and wont hear you. Not worth the blow back from him..and he will try to get back at you. Not worth it.
What John said about her home and having a safe place is just so true.
When i left all we took was our clothes, some toys and photos. The house we got was furnished but none of it was ours or familiar. But my goodness that home was the safest place we had ever been. When i could close that door I've never felt as safe. It was ours and we made beautiful memories there. We've had to move since but that was my first home. Nothing like it.
By the time you realise you should warn his new woman it's too late, the new woman is already under his control, so she won't head your warning because he will have already conditioned her to not believe you. This is the sad reality of it :(
My mom wondered why my father's first wife didn't warn her about the extreme physical, emotional, verbal abuse that he was capable of and sure to do, and one of the times we tried to leave while my mom's face half swollen shut, she spoke to ex wife on the phone an ex wife said I'm sorry I didn't warn you but I didn't think you would listen and I was terrified of him and if he was fixated on you, it was my only way out, I just had to hope he would be different with you. My mom understood but my mom chose to warn the new mistress and we finally got out.
Good advice Dr John!
She's really courageous to want to look out for and care for another woman. Her impulse to help prevent what happened to her is amazing. However, there is always a price that comes with whistleblowing. She could be putting her life or her child's safety in danger. I think it's right to tell her to get out fast. The situation is extremely volatile. If you have someone's ex approach you with a warning, don't take it lightly. Take time to investigate it and see if there is any truth in it---- and don't run directly to your S.O. with what you were told and by whom. You could be putting a very innocent person in danger. Check it out on your own, do a background check on them, see if they have a criminal history, or police calls on them for domestic violence, etc.
That nervous laughter was real
Cuz she still wants him and she's trying to interfere with his new relationship, maybe.
My mom and my dad divorced and the woman that he started dating approached my mom asking what my father is like and my mom was honest with her but she decided to go ahead and date and marry my dad anyway. Well eventually everything my mom told her she realized was the truth but by that time it was too late and then she wanted my mom to help her pursue my father in a court of law.. my mom laughed and hung up the phone.
My now ex bf was cheating on me with his friends girlfriend/baby mama who was also my ex best friends cousin that I knew pretty well. I told her how Anthony was once him and I broke up. One day I was driving and I get a phone call and it's her and she's asking me what she should do because everything I said about Anthony was true and she didn't know what to do and I just told her "you wanted him so bad.. you both cheated to be with each other. You got what you wanted.. enjoy!"
Thus is an unpopular opinion. Some people bring out the worst in us. Some people bring out the best in us.
Exactly🤙
Very true.
The burning house analogy was so right - when you are running for your life and the flames are licking you and you see someone else just standing there stupidly awed by the sight, of course, it is a difficult, guilt-ridden, haunting choice to turn your back on them and run. But you HAVE to if YOU want to live!
I hope this lady and her son are safe.
If he has been abusing you he is doing the same to her so you are not telling her something she does not already know. She has made her choice already.
When my marriaged come to an end where I was doing everything concerning the children our home and working+studies I told my husband I had enough! (On top of all he was cheating several times ) I got all papers I needed and put them in front of him saying: Im already being a single parent so I want it on papers to 😡 he didnt have any choice than sign the papers! This was 20 years ago, and I never regret that . I finally had Peace ☮️
Women have to look out for other women. The caller needs to get out and take care of herself and her son first but then she can warn the other woman.
I’ve been there and have done this. SHE WON’T BELIEVE YOU!!!! I literally doesn’t matter what you say to her or show her, she won’t believe any of it. She has her own lessons to learn. Let it go.
Iv told myself I’ll do that same his ex did.
I’ll tell her “I’m here for you if you ever need me.”
I’m now pretty good friends with his ex.
Who tried to tell me. I didn’t listen, though I knew it. I was just scared to accept the situation I was in. She was understanding of my reaction and just always offered to be there for me if I needed. And lord did I need her. Even 5 years after leaving him.