My ex was almost never very happy with the gifts from me, I felt like I dont know him enough and I felt bad ;( He was happy for months tho after I gave him a big cup with the wording ,,Mr Right''. It was his favourite gift, he kept mentioning it with a smile for a year or so lol
@@jeanplacanica7814 I did not have the name until 31 years had passed and it has taken another 4 to believe it The marriage was a sham on his part. How dare he? I deserve better. I hope when I pay him he will go away
I’ve always said to people and they think I’m crazy. I never want my mother to give me gifts or do favors for me because there’s always an ulterior motive behind them. She’ll remind me about it when she wants to guilt trip me.
Guilt, resentment, fear, anger etc are indications a boundary has been crossed. Pay attention to how you feel around certain people. Are you unable to eat or do you comfort yourself with food or maybe both after an encounter? Do you self-isolate? If you don't feel it's too intrusive consider keeping track of your feelings in a journal. Notice if there are patterns of behavior and reaction. It can help you gain insight into your own limits/boundaries and feelings but it can also be useful if you're working with a therapist since they don't get to see how we behave outside of the office.
I know, it is difficult to explain to other people and sometimes you feel compelled to explain yourself even if, well, you don't feel to do it. Maybe you don't feel strong enough, maybe it makes you feel ashamed, maybe you just feel it would be "too much". Did your mother also try to make you believe all people think like that? That those (the self-interest, the deceiving, the manipulation) were the normal ways of the world? My parents did it, to isolate me, I think, and also because, probably, that's how they truly feel. Narcissist people are emphatically bankrupt.
@@AnnaGirardini It was my aunt who told lies about my mom (no surprise) to help my dad gain custody of me illegally. I could write a book or movie about my life. I don't want to overwhelm you.
give them attention, the best narcissistic supply they ever had and then breadcrumb them. just like they would do to you. i love keeping narcissists as pets 😎
@@lilithlight3570 drive them crazy just like they do to you lol. you have to train them like dogs, use positive reinforcement. when they are bad ignore them, when they’re good reward them. also don’t listen to what they say, listen to their actions. 😅
If both the inlaws are narcissist How to handle They dont talk with their daughter (Then dont like if she listens me) We r overseas Now a parcel is on the way from their side😂
@@LVSnailSandwichContent Are you sure you mean "adored"? I have no interest in being "adored", just being acknowledged as a valuable human being would be enough.
Yet it is so rare that I don't even believe that a relationship can be this healthy and most of the healthy people I had seen ALWAYS fall in love with a narcissist maybe because they believe they can change them I don't know but you will rarely see two narcissist fall in love. If one of your surroundings is a narcissist know that there is a healthy person behind them. I think the more altruist a human being is the more they are attracted to broken or toxic persons.
As my Mom regularly preached… “Stop expecting sanity from the insane.” The only way to win with an NPD is to get as far away from them as you possibly can.
@@lisahayes3648 I’m sorry that you have to deal with that… I stay as far away from my Narcissistic relatives as I can. If you’re a child you have no choice but as an adult I do. I’d rather be alone than loose my sanity. Lol
@@lisahayes3648I'm in the same boat as you, narc dad, step brother and his narc fíance, I've cut them and all those believed their lies about me, out of my life. I lost half my family, but have kept the ones who knew my character well enough to see through the BS. You'll be happier without them, trust me...
I spent my whole life violently overachieving to please my narc parents. I was in every club, played every instrument, every sport, working several jobs, shoveling them thousands of dollars since I was a teen. It was when I graduated an Ivy League with a full ride and they continued to badger me about my worthlessness, I realized that I will NEVER be enough for them. I cannot stand when anyone praises me for my accomplishments because I never wanted ANY of it. I did it all for them. Now it’s time for me. I’m going to live in the woods to figure myself out 😂 thanks Doc ❤️
Dont hide. Enjoy yourself. You are wiser now and sort out the good people from the toxic ones. Go get some of those good chocolates Forest Gump refers to.
When I became an LPN my mother and my brother both told me on the day I passed my nursing boards that “you’re not a Real Nurse! YOURE A FAKE NURSE!” They said it with anger and an attitude. I never got praised or congratulated. I’m an RN now and they can SMD 🤷🏽♀️ I cut them off 😊💜 and that’s the best thing I’ve ever could’ve done
I started with my BscN and RN, but when I got my masters started teaching nursing and consulting on complex cases my mother and aunt told everyone in the extended family I wasn't a real nurse anymore. Didn't even ask their opinion after the phd
Over time, I realized that sharing my accomplishments or getting too excited about ANYTHING in front of anyone might trigger their jealousy and cause them to sabotage or hate on me. It happened so many times and forever, I had been stunned when someone can't take joy in another's good fortune. I have always enjoyed watching the people around me succeed - it makes me happy to share another's happiness. It took years before I finally understood that certain people can only feel good when they shit all over you.
One of the first things I noticed in my mother that disturbed me. She rejoiced when others mourned and mourned when others rejoiced! Hmmmmm that's a clue.
This explains so much. One of my friends used to say they thought I'd rather stick a pin in my eye than take money from my dad, after I left home. Somehow even as a young person, I knew if I took anything from him it would be held over my head forever. The one time I did ask for help he turned it into a major shame session. Never, EVER again.
@@katmurphy7093 Oh my goodness so relatable, they never return stuff. You learn not to lend them anything, being that sister is a narcissist & hoarder, she has plenty of stuff!
My dear friend's sister, upon taking leave of her home (after living there rent free-far beyond the initial agreed upon time) helped herself to the closet which contained her sisters favorite items of clothing (as such they were pricey, and not easily replaced). When my friend calmly inquired about her missing clothing, her sister informed her that she had indeed taken them. BUT...it was done out of love-bc she sensed her sister needed a lesson in letting go. I feel a pang of frustration thinking of this-esp given all my friend has done for her "difficult" sister. And the fact that she honestly thought her explanation would be be believed (despite the FB selfies she posted wearing said clothes)??? I mean...
This "gift giving" is what I call "fawning". I consider it the fourth "F" of the survival response to trauma. Those four "F's" are Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn. Fawning is where I survive any given relationship or situation by attempting to befriend the threat. I survived by using all four "F's" and fawning was the most degrading and dehumanizing of all of them.
Carol, Michelle, and Let's Talk', Maybe the last f-word Michelle couldn't remember was "f*ck" , as Let's referenced as unpaid prostitution. No judgement here... I have had to disentangle myself from all 7 of these F(ing) egoic survival plots I enacted on my life path to Freedom. Dr. Ramani and this courageous group of listeners/subs., Heart-felt gratitude to All 💚 Chi Miigwech (Native American Ojibwe term for Great Thanks) Blessings 🙏
Carol Maxine Son this is also called “tens and befriend” by new psychological research. It’s a bit gender divided. More men fight or flight and more women tend and befriend the abuser.
My narc sister never gave me a gift without reminding me later about it, especially during an argument. I stop taking gifts from her because they weren't gifts but displays of her generosity (with strings attached).
My ex was like this. His gifts kept on giving...him narcissistic supply. He'd comment whenever I'd use the gift about how nice the gift was, how the person who gave it must have really loved me. What a nice person the gift giver was.
She is she helped me a lot in understanding what I am going through. The agony in not visible but it's unimaginable. Her video helped me a lot in understanding my situation better
That why you should be more independent from them and teach them healthy boundaries. Many of those parents do not deserve your love it doesn't matter they were used by the divine to bring you into this life.
In my case decades. The projection never stops. So I am stupid guilty for things she did decades ago. Omg So Thankful for those who stood by me during this tough time.
Exactly. And they act like giving you the things that any parent would and should give to their child somehow makes them entitled to do as they please.
I can’t talk to my mom any longer. It was too abusive and draining. She tried to suck me back in, recently, and I ignored her, which is not what I was raised to do. She bold-faced lies about me. Now my siblings are even ignoring me. She is working hard behind the scenes... I won’t talk to her anymore, because any info I give her she will use against me and talk about me behind my back.
Lol, narcissists aren't going to like your little victories. In fact, they hate them poisonously. That goes triple for narc parents. Narcissists hate your accomplishments, and wish to put an end to them by all means possible. Especially low, sneaky, underhanded means.
I noticed during my healing process, I could walk into a store and pick out 20 things I knew the narc would "like." I knew his taste, wants, needs better than my own. When I was finally on my own, I had to question myself when I bought something, am I buying this because I actually like it or because the narc likes it? It was hard to find myself and my likes separate from his influence. I was under his spell for over two decades. I did a lot of thoughtful and nice things for him and my family did as well. He seemed grateful for a split second and then start bashing not to long after. His gratitude was always very short lived or possibly fake. I just became a slave of sort. He really didn't know or care about my well being or just enough to keep me serving him. It left me very far from my true genuine best self. Sad I wasted so many years, but I can't change the past. I appreciate the health and peace I have now.
@@clauc.5981 Yes! You won't believe what he's doing now! Making his daughters birthday somehow all about what he wants and not her. I invited another child, one of her friends to come along. I also prepaid to rent a larger vehicle to accommodate the extra child and so that all three kids can enjoy riding in a newer vehicle 😀. He says, ive already reserved for us four, that kid needs to be 11 and he needs a reservation, see you always doing something .😲 I said, well let the child have my spot, because he had already paid, so I'm grown, it won't kill me. But the real reason he's mad is because he didn't want me to invite her friend at all 😔 He wanted to drive his own car in order to take it to the race track that's located near the same area where we planned to go. Again, all about his self!
I’m a people pleaser, usually volunteering to help. I’ve discovered that I became the person called upon to help. It never stops and there never is true appreciation. I became like an object to be relied upon. Nobody I ever did things for, in particular the ones who call upon me for help, ever cared about what was going on with me.
I used to be a people pleaser too. These videos are helping me to see the narcissists around me and don't waste my time or resources on anyone who doesn't care for me.
Your comment reminded me of the good superhero in Megamind, who got tired one day of helping everybody. He didn't have a life of his own, he always had to be there to help people.
"Save your gifts for people who are worthy recipients." I loved it when you said that. It's taken me years, but I have finally realized this. Thank you.
I can totally relate to this. The more you try to prove you are worthy, the worse they make you feel. I have even tried to be ‘nice’ to my Narc husband’s enablers in order to make him happy, hoping that this might re-establish my lost connection with him. Only to have them all gang up, turn around and ridicule me. Any achievement of mine which I shared, he would bring up something bigger that he achieved. Nothing is ever good enough for these people, who believe they are God’s ultimate gift to mankind. By bursting our bubble, they keep us demoralised and deflated.
You know, i can attest to this because: my mother (first female narc i dealt with) did this to me (when i tried to be nice, make peace, mend the relationship), the two narcs i deal with now (1 male, and 1 female) also do the same. They literally do not care.
This was me learning how to cook better, complain less, and make sure he had clean clothes. Just to name a few. And I didn’t know that I was gift-giving at the time. He always seemed to forget these things when he was telling others how evil and abusive I was. And I did believe that I wasn’t a good enough person because why else would he say those things? Dr. Ramani you are truly saving lives. No therapist has ever come close to understanding what was actually happening in my relationship. Now that I know about this subject it has allowed me to start to heal.
I ALWAYS felt this. Like I offer so much to our home and he takes and takes that never having to ask and never offers much appreciation or anything in return
Yea that took me a while because after my relationship I sort of stopped doing certain things because I felt like I was being taken advantage of so it sort of went into my new relationship and I began to realize that I was actually with a good dude who wasn’t a narcissist.
You can look in the mirror & know what you did matterd! I tried too in hopes it might get better if I tried harder. My adult children know I was not the evil criminal. They were put thru Hell & In knowing I tried to be the best version of myself. I learned I can o ly control myself & barely got put alive. Still hope the best is yet to come 59 to age 90.
@@ifenewsome505 when you put it that way it puts it into perspective. Now I can see how a person with good boundaries would see that as ridiculous. Even with our individual flaws, we are deserving of decency and respect.
I remember doing this. It felt like such a slap in the face when I was actually criticized for my gifts rather than thanked. Yet I kept trying. Thank you for these videos. They've helped me get closure on a toxic relationship that I left long ago.
Erica Lewis, I thought this only happened to me. A cousin I don't know very well said, "I hear you're going to be passing our house on your way back from Texas - why don't you stop in and have dinner with us? I said I would. We were in the middle of a heat wave, and a farmer had watermelons for sale by the side of the road. Doesn't it seem normal to think, I'll take them a watermelon? Guess how he received it? Obviously annoyed with me, he said, "Where do you think I'm supposed to put this? There isn't room in the refrigerator." I told him to stick it in the basement. That shut him up, but that remark cast an unpleasantness over the rest of the evening, and I couldn't wait to leave. His wife just sits there, seeming not to notice his rudeness. Never going back!
It really is a slap in the face. It hurts. When the narcissist I was dating starting discarding me, I upped my gift giving game in what I now realize was my desperate attempt to keep him around. I spent a tremendous amount of time and money having an extravagant gift made for him. I was soooo excited to present it to him because I knew it would mean a lot to him. I called him to see when I could come by to give him the gift. He told me he was at a friends house, so maybe tomorrow. Every time I tried to give him the gift, I got another excuse and I got the "maybe tomorrow" excuse. I finally was like, "look I am just trying to give you something that I spent some time and money on and just need to know a good time when we can meet. Can we just set up a time when I can drop off my gift?" And you know how he replied? He said, "well look, at this point, I don't even feel like this is a gift. I feel like this is a chore now. It's like you don't even care about the other things I have going on in my life that I have to do and take care of." I was dumbfounded. I guess his going for swimming and drinks by his friend's pool were all those terribly burdensome things in his life I was apparently not thinking about. I felt so used and felt so dumb at the same time. How did it get to the point where I wanted him to like me so much, I was willing to be slapped across the face like this? I think it was then that I started to realize how some abused women stay in relationships with husbands that beat them.
There we go! Bingo! Another puzzle solved in the narcissist game. The best gift to give my narcissist is gossip. They love the control of knowing everything about everyone. No other real material gift (food, trickets, etc) brings any enjoyment. It's the social play that is the true gift.
I could have earned multiple degrees and paid off an entire mortgage with the endless hours of unreciprocated Listening, Attention, Validation, Praise, Cheerleading, Unpaid therapy, etc. I gave her. The gift of TIME is something we can never get back. They will steal your whole life if you let them.
My mom actually gave me a shirt that said “don’t let anyone dull your sparkle“ and I threw it away because it was so ridiculous that she was the one who gave it to me and she’s constantly trying to take me apart. She has no idea what she’s doing, she just does it constantly.
Dr. Ramani, I am so glad you started this channel. You have taught me so much about narcissism, and I speak for most people here. Never will I associate myself with a narcissist again. Never will I blame myself for their cruel actions towards me, never will I apologize for things I did not do, never will I engage myself in meaningless arguments with them etc. I am so glad that I know better now. We all deserve to be treated with respect .
Here is a story for you; gift giving with a twist!!!!! When my father passed away, he left me his work insurance policy. I was so grateful and thought it was a kind thing of him to do. My Narc Mom said that he left to me by accident, was actually meant for her and when I receive the check I needed to sign it over to her. When I questioned it, she then said just never mind, I give it to you!....OMG, these people are a piece of work!!!!!!
Ha, my Mom paid for some dental work on a low interest credit card and I paid her back over 6 months time. A year later we were out to dinner in a group and someone brought up how expensive dental work is and I told them how much my dental work cost and I my Mom said in front of everyone in an accusatory tone "I PAID FOR THAT". I didnt even want to undermine her by pointing out that I paid her back but it was so disheartening to see that she was willing to embarrass me to make sure she got credit for something that she didn't actually do.
SO NONI I laughed when I read this ,my father did the same thing at our engagement party walked around telling everyone he had given us a big deposit for a house LOL he gave us such a small amount but big noted himself
For my birthday I gave myself a gift since I wouldn't be getting one anywhere else. My mom had a fit sayung I should have bought her something too. It was a childish tone and body language. You should have seen the jaw dropping my neighbor has when she seen my mother's behavior.
@@3monsters014 ....thanks for sharing your story.......it sucks realizing we were raised by children. I've had my fare share of struggles and worked on myself to recover, so nice to know now I don't have to tolerate their childishness anymore. Keep thriving and stay safe my dear one.
It’s shocking how spot on this is! Any accomplishment is either ignored or diminished. (I’m not sure which stings more.) Further, every precious mistake or “personality flaw” is constantly incorporated into conversations. Mercilessly. Your examples are extremely helpful in understanding what all of this is. Thank you!
This is so heartbreaking. All I can picture is this child or adult wanting approval from the one they love and being dismissed. How can some people be so demonically awful....
In my mind, it really is not so much "Gift Giving" but rather "Sacrificial Offerings" like the Mayans would do to their gods, or the Vikings prior to battle. These "offerings" would be to appease their gods in hopes not to anger them and gain their favor. We are doing the same thing here and not realizing it. Eventually those gifts must be more and more significant to gain their approval, that is when the true "cost" really starts to stack up.
Yes please Dr Ramani! And thank you so much for your amazing videos. Would also be nice to talk about the narcissistic tendencies (on the rest of the spectrum) that we find in most people ( non-NPDs).
Yessssssssssss!!!! That's exactly what they are, sacrificial offerings to appease the gods! I've also thought of cats bringing home dead birds as offerings to their owners, and the owners look at the cat with disdain, the same way the narc looks at the gift-giver with disdain, even though the gift is better than a dead bird! Lol
I also find that gift giving even under normal circumstances, will be used to hurt you. For example, tossing the gift aside, hiding it so no one becomes aware you are a normal person who gives gifts on birthdays, pretending they never got anything from you, on so on...Thank you for sharing this video.
This actually happened to me today. I am estranged from my narc mother, but when her sister passed away, I sent her chocolates. My golden child sister, who was visiting her at the time (I got some flak for not visiting as well), convinced her to throw the chocolates away because there was no return address (Amazon's mistake, I guess). Fortunately, I did not react when my golden child sister told me. I had not invested much emotional energy into the gift and saw it as throwaway money. That really saved me a lot of grief. I can rest peacefully tonight. *sigh*
I’ve had quite a few experiences where extended family would leave all their xmas gifts from us all over their lounge floor when we spent xmas there and then walk/sit on them during the next few days, rather than take them back to their rooms. This was after I’d spent much time carefully trying to find something they would genuinely like.
Stellaria I’m honestly speechless. That is so insensitive and disrespectful! I’m here trying to find out if my ex of 5 years who I lived with was/is a Narcissist. I’m so grateful I got away from him and moved back to my home country. Anyways, the stories I’m reading here sound like him except he was extremely abusive, threatened to throw me out of the window from our top floor bedroom etc. So I’m trying to determine if he was emotionally (+ physically - once!) abusive or if he’s a Narc. The devaluing went on and on. And on.
Jen Doe Thanks - it didn’t make me feel like spending xmas with them (my brother’s family). Strangely they were always the ones that would ask us to spend xmas with them - then when we were there they’d treat us like that. I could never understand why they asked us in the first place. It does sounds as though your ex was a narc - a dangerous one at that (!) I have been watching videos like this one & by Richard Grannon - he is incredible on the topic if u are interested th-cam.com/video/q6vlnfdo5jI/w-d-xo.html
Trying to win him back or get him to see that he was wrong to discard you because you are awesome! I did it, too....sending him care packages after he deserted me to move 3000 miles away. And still I was baking goodies for him...>WOW the shame in realizing this is so huge.
We all do it. I bought the guy incredible physical gifts and bought him dinners, even when I knew he was discarding me. Don't feel so bad. It's human nature. Hang in there.
My ex literally tried to get me to take him to his dr appointment by offering an exchange for counseling, after I moved out and he moved someone else in . He was right when he told my daughter I was a tool. (Too dense to realize I was being used). Well, that little comment opened my eyes to the last 24 years of being used. No ride from me. God values me too much to let me be treated like that.
I noticed that the more you will do for ppl that are narcissistic, the less they do and give. I discovered that you can never do enough, and they imagine that they are doing so much...but they are actually just doing the bare minimum in some ways, in others nothing at all.
This reminds me of an incident from when I was in highschool, and I had a hard time understanding what happened, until recently (and now this video brought it home even more): We had a very hard exam, and the ENTIRE class had failed. Everybody. Except me. I got all points, a perfect grade, while everybody else FAILED. This was very unusual, of course. So naturally, I went home to happily bring the news to my mom so she could be proud of me and be happy too. But instead, when I told her, she was very indifferent and dismissive, and said something like: "Yes, well, of course, that was to be expected, I'm not expecting you to do badly!". No joy, and no praise or appreciation whatsoever. It took me years to stop hurting over this unbelievable memory, which did not make any sense to me. At some point, I had a big aha moment, when I realized that she did it on purpose. Knowingly. To make me not so happy about my achievement. Like turning a knife inside my heart but with a straight face. Some 30 years later, something almost identical happened, she reacted in the EXACT same way, but this time I didn't care.
I was always recognized as the “people pleaser” from Elementary school up till my adult life. It was really tiring at times but the desire to win friends and gain acceptance from others was out of control. I was willing to make many sacrifices for others which not many appreciated my efforts. Then a few years ago, I took a workshop at church on Healthy Boundaries and learned to say “No!” Some of those Narcissists got angry with me and bullied me while others shut me out of their lives if I didn’t obey them or allowed to be used. I’m grateful for this lockdown now cause social isolation doesn’t bother me so much anymore. In fact, I’ve spent more time reflecting on which friends really cared about me during this time and I don’t have to feel obligated to meet with people I don’t want to spend time with but rather focus more time on achieving my goals in life.
My ex friend liked to control others with her dad's money. She wanted all of us to depend on her to pay for everything just so she could complain that she was paying for everything because she's "such a pushover". Rejecting money from her constantly started fights and the more successful and self sufficient I became, the angrier she was with me.
7:04 example of being recognized for a good deed or achievement hits hard for me. My mom is a textbook covert narc. Years ago, i really got into volunteering my time. I was already struggling internally with my family relationships, so i decided to serve food to needy on Thanksgiving at a local church instead of spending the holiday with them. As it happened, the community newspaper was there and took a bunch of photos. They happened to publish my pic of me serving food with their article. I excitedly showed it to my mom, she turned up her nose, made a face and said " ugh, why would you want to help "those" prople." She immediately and completely pissed on my good deed and made it seem unworthy and have no merit. I remember the smile fading from my face and the feeling of defeat while she stoicly sat there. It took a couple more years after that, but i finally cut ties. It's been 11 years, and i am so glad I'm free!!
Years of getting straight A’s and being the perfect child was never enough, when I found who I was in my art and I told them I wanted to pursue that for the rest of my life. They tore down my 12 year old self confidence, years of telling me I would never make money. Now I’m beginning to sell my artwork and my family can smd, they’re not worthy of sharing in my happiness
Another gift I gave was to change myself to keep him around: changed my hair to a blonde color, got contacts because he hated glasses, tried to get thinner because I was the "largest person" he had dated. All those things kept him around but I lost myself in the process.
"Relationships are not transactions. Healthy relationships are connected by respect, compassion, reciprocity, kindness, and growth. In a healthy relationship, when you share good things, it's not to win someone over, but to share in the joy; in a healthy relationship, when you give a gift - whether it's psychological or not - it's not to coax someone into staying, but as a way of sharing gratitude, celebration, or love. " Dr Ramani Durvasula Thanks Dr. Ramani - I needed to hear this today!
Gift giving was a huge power play to my parents. Everything you described. They loved torturing me every Christmas by giving me nothing or regifting gifts given to them..to me. They hated and broke or lost my gifts, especially homemade ones. I stopped giving them anything in the last years before stopping contact. They gave eachother luxury gifts. Sometimes gifts that They knew I wanted. They gave their rich friends expensive gifts. It was all a game of power and control. I learned years ago to expect nothing and give myself my own presents and always have a Plan B on holidays since they usually ruined them with tantrums and other negative drama over nothing. Mom used to be fake nice to me before any holiday, dropping suggestions of things she wanted as gifts (high priced luxury items). Long ago I bought them nice presents but like you say, they found ways to criticize or dislike them. Or give them to me the next year as my present. What ridiculousness. I'm glad to be done with it all.
My narci wife passed away last year (33 years together). Never knew there was a name for her behavior. I was constantly running interference to protect my kids while they were young and at the same time enabling her behavior to stay married. My kids and I are both mourning her loss (yes, we loved her) and trying to heal from the harmful effects of the narci behavior. Thank you for the videos. It helps to understand what was going on and provides some clarity.
I recognized it immediately that has been my life with my parents, with friends and with relationships. I always had the feeling that I needed to prove I was worthy of their attention. This is an excellent video Dr. Ramani
Lisa V my ex husband had so much jealous about my accomplishments and popularity and thought he would finally be proud and happy for me but it backfired....
Just when I think I've processed all the things that happened in my relationship, I learn more things that did to keep things going smoothly. What a lightbulb moment for me. This is very hard to process. But worth it!
The lockdown has given me the chance to not feel pressured to see this person socially. I feel grateful to have gotten out of the spot I was in which was trying to get the relationship back.
OMG! I was repeatedly almost ordered to give in to agreeing to a sexual act that I did not feel comfortable with; he kept persisting. I’m so glad that I never acquiesced to it!
Yes the narc yelled and said he was understanding my refusal was cutting him off sexually so what happens next is my fault...wouldn't hear me say I'm only refusing to do that. Guess he feels he needs permission to keep cheating.
He would have got what he wanted and still wouldn’t have been satisfied. I tried for years to satisfy my ex wife who is still unsatisfied with life. My children are going through it with her now. When the demand is met it is still never enough.
As I was almost 50, I gave my mom a hugh the day before she would die. Her response was 'so much love, I do not know what to do with it ' Then I knew she had not been able to give love.
When watching this video, I even realized the gift giving can also be literally materialized: I cannot remember a single time in my life when the master narcissist in my family was happy, nor was able to show a breadcrumb of happiness, despite her otherwise usual opportunist faking mastery, when she received a gift. The result was always a painful invalidation, until we all stopped giving her gifts. After a life of abuse, the whole family finally reacted with estrangement but is struggling with serious issues, and is externally seen as "the bad ones". Thanks to gorgeous Dr. Ramani the dysfunctional model of my family has come to light. God bless her
This video is like a mirror held up in front of my face because I didn't even realize that this was me a few short months ago. I was giving and buying little things not only because I cared about the narcissist but a part of it was to keep his focus it didn't last long and soon backfired
My father was always like that to me. And now that you mentioned it, I realized that I do that "gift giving" not only with him, but with other people too.
Whenever I share anything with my mother about something i've done or an accomplishment. She always talks about what another family member has done thats similar or go off on the things she has done lately and just makes me feel like what I had done was no big deal. I've started to really pull back on what I share with her.
Lacey, I can absolutely relate with that and my mother. It makes me not want to share my good news with her because I know she will just ruin it. Yet in my head I keep expecting her to change and just care and be a freaking mom:(
My dad does that too. He never says Congratulations and brings up something someone else has done in the family or he is close to. It seems he doesn't realize how it comes across.
I went no contact with my family when I was 22. They sucked me back in via my favorite sibling. I’m 60 now and have gone no contact again. Watching these vids I’m realizing how many (wrong) life choices Ive made because of hearing their voices in my head, just afraid of being ridiculed for who I’ve chosen as a mate, where Ive chosen to live etc. I feel so free (but at the same time guilty, so watching these vids is essential) . I feel like making my own choices from now on is going to be an amazing adventure.
The confusing dynamic, feeling obligated to give gifts because they hand you physical gifts. Then they use those gifts to demand your loyalty and obedience. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for reminding us that healthy relationships are not transactional.
I give small gifts to people I like over the years. I don't expect anything in return, but it is kind of weird when they don't even mention it. No thank you, no nothing. Very strange, and very different from the way I was raised, and how things used to be. Makes me think maybe I shouldn't bother,
I learned this early in childhood. My mother would be so relieved when there where events, news or gossip that she could use to offer our narc. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it meant we'd have a chill, non traumatic evening. What a shadowy game to play.
It never ceases to amaze me how spot on each of these videos videos is to the experiences I had with my wife for 25 years. Before we were married she wanted to attend night school at a private university and finish her business degree at a private University. My stepson was 2 years old and in daycare so I picked him up every evening, took him home, fed him dinner, bathed him, read him books and put him to bed so she could go to night school and finish her degree. She graduated Summa Cum Laude and when we got married she decided she wanted to be a stay home mom so she never used her degree. We had 2 children of our own and when the kids were teenagers she wanted to get her real estate license. She didn't have any money to get the real estate license with so naturally I paid for her to go to real estate school, paid for her real estate licensing exam. She went to work for a company as an agent in training. She quickly decided it was too stressful and she never became a full fledged real estate broker and never used her real estate license.Those are just 2 examples, there are dozens and dozens of literal gifts I poured on her to try and please her. The effects were always very short lived and never enough. What's worse, I still love her and greive her leaving everyday! What is wrong with me?!!
I never got recognition from my Narc ex husband for any of my achievements however he would tout my accomplishments to others. It was like he was trying to live his life through mine. So weird.
"...however he would tout my accomplishments to others. It was like he was trying to live his life through mine...." This is exactly what my narcissistic abusive mother always did. it made it impossible for me to be "happy" about anything i had achieved, it always felt as if she took it "away" from me to shine herself...
You are awesome Dr. Ramani! I was the scapegoat child in my family. I wanted so much to be accepted and valued by my parents. I let them drive me into poverty and desperation trying to get them to acknowledge my "gifts". It was a painful wake up call to realize they had no love or respect for me as a person. Parents should love all of there kids, not just their golden child. They were blessed to have a daughter like I was. They weren't capable of love. compassion, or even basic kindness. That was their failing. Not mine.
You sure do understand this well. You’ve described several things I went through. Going along to getting along especially. I went along with things that went against my character and values just so he wouldn’t rage at me. It wasn’t worth it.
WOW! GUILTY, on so many levels...but NO MORE thanks to you, Dr. Ramani ... Looks like not only will I be saving my hard-earned $ but more importantly, my self respect ... THANK YOU! 💕🌷⭐
Yes please! Even in overcoming low self esteem, it hard when you learn the traits from parents with no personal boundaries and thier own self esteem and trust issues. Between partners, parents and bad friends I feel I have spent my whole life fighting to just myself and be respected for being myself.
Yes this is much needed for some...For Me..I stopped needing Approval or Thanks from my Mother Decades ago...Because I worked out she was a Sick Person...It was Her Not Me that she had the Problem...Not Ne...I learnt that it was No use Wishing for a Mother/The Parents I was never going to have...And when I saw Her/Them...to only “Talk about the Weather”...😟😂
@@evonne315 I know the feeling!! If you were brought up in a narcissistic home, you will struggle with self-esteem issues. The reason is because they have to emotionally beat you down so that they can continue to get away with the abuse. You are conditioned to second guess yourself and that is due to all the gas lighting they put you through. The abuser has to keep you confused because this keeps you stuck in the abuse cycle. Focus on being good to yourself and setting firm boundaries with people!!! Boundaries are essential to your well-being. You have to stop being a people pleaser. This will seem hard at first because you're not used to exercising those muscles. Once you start telling people no and respecting yourself it will get easier. Realize that there's no way to please everyone and that you must take care of yourself first in order to help anyone else. Take Little steps each day to keep building your confidence. Do things that make you happy and don't worry about what other people think! Treat everyone with respect but don't hesitate to say "no" when you need to. People who care about you will respect your boundaries and everyone else can take a hike!
While family may be a mess, we don’t have to also be a mess. We are not associated with the messiness of others. Instead, choose to see yourself as a spiritually beautiful person, one moving forward in a healthy manner. The truly good people already see your worth; and that worth is not based upon what you can materialistically give, but is based upon the spiritual beauty you add and give to the world. 💜
I remember she once told me that it felt uncomfortable that I didn't "confide" in her. She didn't realize a person has to comfortable with you to confide in you. She didnt make me feel comfortable because she came off detached and uninterested in whatever "i" had going on. I limited her to very little info from the jump. That feeling I had within was right. I just didnt know what it was........now I do😐
@@T.Alexis926 yes I'm with you. I wish it could've worked and I wish I could've confided in her but it just didn't feel right. I stumbled upon narcissist behavior because I was searching "ghosting". Someone in the comments mentioned ghosting was narcissist behavior. I started search and I'll be damned if she doesn't fall under everything anyone one in any of these video mentions. I gave her a lot of mental real estate. No contact forever! Fuck her! 😆
@@robinrevell5873 yes I have to agree. There was that "something" that wasn't right. Sometimes she couldn't keep up with her own lies but I wouldnt confront her about it and kept my own mental notes. She had this vibe to her like she was always hiding something and again I never said anything. After watching many of these videos everything has been aligned for me to understand. I still wish it didnt end like this. Maybe God has someone better for me down the road 🤔
I made my mom a card everyday, I wrote her books, I tried giving her pieces of information. All flying into a vacuum that I could never see until a few years ago. I was a truth teller but I was also so incredibly insecure I couldn't get where I needed to be. Thank goodness for self-help, wellness, and mindfulness. I wish I had valued myself enough and known that I had worth inherent.
Dr. Ramani, you have genuinely changed my life. Every time I get urges to contact or to beg, or I fall into my own cycles with my ex. I watch a video, or several, and the way you word everything so relatable, so compassionately. It's saving my sanity. It's keeping me from going back
Embarrassingly, I tried most all of these things she provides as examples. I qualified to represent the United States in a World championship athletic event. When I shared it with him in the hope he would see value in my accomplishment, he said, Oh yeah, well Melissa ( pseudonym for his mistress) qualified for Boston (marathon). “ .... There is so much embarrassment and shame for having put so much effort into that marriage of 27 years to a pathetic person. Luckily, I am out of it and I am on a very healthy and happy trajectory. Equally pathetic is that Melissa is still with him after discarding her family to be with him. It’s been quite sometime since we’ve divorced and yet their relationship has not progressed.
Daisy351 You are spot on! “Melissa” was employed by our financial institution and she was one of my athletic friends. Her son was the lifeguard at our local YMCA.Her husband was the little league coach. She definitely knew our “family” as we attended her annual holiday party. She’s not a victim. Her children and husband are the victims.
Wow. This resonated. I've genuinely loved giving to others since I was little. As a kid, I asked my grandparents if they could help me figure out how to buy an owl for my narc sibling (they were the Golden Child, I was the Scapegoat) because their favourite thing was Harry Potter. Even though my sibling lorded their knowledge and collection over me ("look how great I am, I have all the stuff nobody else has, I know more than you") I still wanted to be good enough to be included and show them I was worthy. This definitely bled into our adult relationships. I took my sibling on trips, new experiences, gave endless gifts to help them feel some form of happiness, and probably one of the most underrated gifts - time and effort to be there for them when they need it. They turned it into a negative memory almost every time. It all resulted in going no contact, and I honestly believe that is the only solid way to heal. Gifts given to narcs are gifts wasted, 100%. They will find a way to devalue the gifts and make you feel like you didn't do enough, especially in their conversations to other people I've noticed. It's good to know there is an actual term for this. Thank you for helping us survive this Dr. Ramani. It's soul crushing, but you give us hope that we can heal.
@Black Weirdo my brother in law is married to a narcissist, I know....His wife does exactly what you saying! She will buy and demand her husband they buy my in law parents gifts and she waits While you're there to give them. Meanwhile my husband is on narcissistic spectrum......His dad is definitely a narcissist. I feel bad for my hubby's brother who is a big codependent like I have been
Well my mother gives money to my brother to buy his love. So now he's powerless I'm no contact. She gave my sister two cars, they don't see that it is manipulation. I am so relieved l cut her off.
A narcissist may give a gift (when the relationship is new) as a down payment on their target's compliance in meeting their needs and requirements. During a relationship where the narcissist has shown abuse, a gift can be a "bread crumb" to token compensate for the abuse, keep the abusee from taking the abuse public, and/or keep the abusee in the relationship. In worst case scenarios, it can descend (like some john:prostitute relationships or transactions) into tacitly buying a right to abuse and dominate. But where there is reciprocity of equivalent value gift giving, these dynamics do not apply.
I experienced the worse case scenario😢 . He (covert narcissist) treated me like I was his personal prostitute. Even after he discarded me, because of trauma bonding I was so desperate to hang on to him, I allowed it to still go on. He determined the boundary of the relationship. Thing is it wasn't even a lot of money. He would use birthday and Christmas 'gifts' as advance payments that were to be reimbursed later. He felt his money could buy him anything and anyone. It bought my degradation for twenty years. Good news is last time he offered me money for a 'back massage' I turned him down and went no contact FOREVER.
This is THE MOST INSIGHTFUL RESOURCE, I have ever come across on the subject. It so accurately describes what I have been doing all my life!!!! OMGosh.." gift giving" is not me being kind and caring....its me being DESPERATE to be seen, loved, appreciated and VALUED. It's like a messed up "see me I'm kind" defense/weapon" This content has forever changed my insights, thank you.
JUST ONE of the thousands of "gift-giving" experiences with them: Years ago the Foo bought me a car...then slowly turned me into their chaffer upon demand...compromising my life plans, daily plans, time, energy, emotions...eventually taking over my existence...with smirks on their faces. Finally, I said enough...and if they said a shame/guilt giving word about supplying me that car...I would have taken the plates off, unregistered, and canceled the insurance and parked it in their back yard! All yours now...you drive it! I have been NC for three years now...yet still feel inner pain and experience emotional dysregulation, flashbacks, and ruminations, etc. Thank you, Dr, Ramani...it all helps big time...all you do for us! What a process and a journey!
Right on point Dr. Ramani. Still hurts even after 3years of eventually leaving - wasted almost 30yrs spoonfeeding a narcissistic. Never grateful and always felt entitled. Always taking but never gave .... even though always promising .... until I woke up & pack out when my life was on the line.
I did this with my (now ex) husband for many years. He would treat me terribly, and I would go buy him something to make him happy again. On a few occasions, he told me my gifts were garbage and would rage at me to never buy him anything again. Every time his birthday was coming up, I planned something out of my budget to please him. On my birthdays? In five years, he did nothing but start a fight and ruin the day. It is embarrassing when you realize what you were doing, but good God, is it nice to be on the other side with eyes wide open! Thanks, Dr. Ramani, for all of your wonderful content.
I got raged at for buying my husband a flannel shirt that had buttons on the collar. He rejected the gift even tho it looked really nice and he could have cut the buttons off. I stopped buying him gifts after that.
Having our son is what I thought would be the greatest gift to him, and I was so looking forward to being a family, and he even rejected our son, and has consistently disrespected me in every way, and still only "loves" our son, and spends time with him when he's in a good mood, or in front of other people.... I want to get out of this toxicity so badly, but he wont even respect me enough to leave after I've repeatedly asked/told him to get out. Thank you for this video, its opened my eyes that I HAVE to do what's best for my son, and just get us out....
I never equated gossiping with a malignant narcissist as "gift giving" until this video, but that is so accurate. I've been trained to do this my whole life and even when I knew it was wrong and it made me feel disloyal and disgusted, I kept doing it because I knew that was all the narcissist considered me valuable to do. When I systemically refused to do this as an adult, I became worthless to her and now I see why
Ditto! When Dr. Ramani said this, it was mind-blowing for me. It is indeed a real thing. I know what you mean by being trained and encouraged to do so. Whew!🙏🏼
They do not like us to be happy or get something good, they will feel anxious and they do not like it, therefore they are difficult to respond to our achievements in a good way
Awesome yea, I can relate with that. When we had gone down town for a night of what I thought would be a “fun” time it turned out to be a completely toxic night out to him taking my phone and trying to find something in my phone to fight about and I grabbed my phone and ran away from him to try to find my car as he was blowing my phone up while I needed the GPS to find my way back to my car. It was crazy how I put all this time into looking nice and feeling good to feeling like complete garbage at the end of the night. Worst experience ever. He apologized on the phone, I bring up something that hurt me, he then turns it on me. It was wild after he just apologized but created something unrelated to the situation to come back at me which made no sense to the current issue.
Really helpful Dr. Ramani. My question is; can it also go the other way? A narcissist gives gifts to you so that you are indebted to them and then they try and manipulate you because of that indebtedness? Also, they feel entitled to treat you badly because of the gifts they have given you?
@Cat woman That's what they do with money, at least in my family. If they have given you any money then they can treat you the way they want. My narcissistic mother still tells me off if I criticize my narcissistic grandmother because she helped me out with money especially during school. I can say it was blood money and I've "wasted" several times over on my mental health due to the abuse.
Yes, it's called loan sharking, and it's a favorite tool of all manipulative people, as well as people who actually wish to harm you.
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I've given gifts to my mother and she never appreciated any of it but if she gave me a gift I had better thank her up and down. Even if I did she would say I'm a user or ungrateful. Always a nasty string attached. Nothing was ever good enough. Never one for 'fawning' but she wasn't happy unless that's what I did.
I took a month long trip to Paris once.I was so happy and free. My mom and sister (not to be left out or out done) Flew to Paris, hunted me down and intruded themselves into my vacation latched on to my friends and totally hogged the spotlight.
With the clear insight you are providing through your videos on various YT channels, a lot of troubled humans are discovering their lost self and identifying the patterns of thought, behaviour that need a serious work. You have been a wonderful guide for many people across the world in their battles for survival and for a better life.
Wow this absolutely describes the family members I grew up with, a along with every man I've ever been in a relationship with, including my husband, and most of his family members that I know. I now understand why I was the black sheep of my own family and of my in laws. I dont engage in gossip, but I have always tried to showcase my "awesome-ness" in order to validate myself in any of these relationships. I've accused my husband many times of only liking to talk to me if gossip is the topic. Thank you so much for all your videos. You've helped me break the cycle of trying to get my husband to love me again like he used to. I haven't felt or experienced love from him in many years. And I now see I never actually had his love at all. So instead of continuing with a million and one second chances just to end up devastated and heartbroken every single time, I've been able to realize that no matter how badly I want his heart the way he has mine, it'll never happen. We have 2 daughters and 4 step daughters together so we do have to stay in each others lives to limited extent. But now I'm able to stop being distracted with my broken love-longing heart. I can be civil with him without wanting anything from him. Its such a relief to finally be in control of my own emotions. We've only been separated less than a week, but we both have fully accepted our new roles in each others life. When I told him I no longer want him to keep all those promises, that theres nothing he can do to get me back, he basically said ok and didn't even try to protest against it, just like he never fought for our marriage while we were together. And that gave me all the strength and validation I need to keep myself from wanting back into his torturous cycles. I honestly can not thank you enough. I gave him almost 12 years of my life, and I got 2 beautiful daughters from it, but I dont have to give him anymore of my time to keep discarding like trash. I have hope for a future without him, and I finally understand theres no hope in a future with him.
The best gift a narcissist can give me is leaving me alone.
Amen to that!!!
❤ I could not agree more
Yup. 💯. And dont give me any gifts or offers. Im not comfortable with any of your gifts or offers.
Amen , Lord help me
💯
Give anything to a narcissist and it will never be enough, Take anything from a narcissist and you are selling your soul.
True- I lived 40 yrs with a Narcissist and never new a name for his behavior. I’m very happy know, away from him.😀
I lived with a Narcissist for 40 yrs and didn’t know the Name for his behavior. I am truly happy know. Away from this dreadful person.😀😀😀😀
My ex was almost never very happy with the gifts from me, I felt like I dont know him enough and I felt bad ;( He was happy for months tho after I gave him a big cup with the wording ,,Mr Right''. It was his favourite gift, he kept mentioning it with a smile for a year or so lol
@@jeanplacanica7814 I did not have the name until 31 years had passed and it has taken another 4 to believe it The marriage was a sham on his part. How dare he? I deserve better. I hope when I pay him he will go away
BEAUTIFULLY SAID!!!!!
I’ve always said to people and they think I’m crazy. I never want my mother to give me gifts or do favors for me because there’s always an ulterior motive behind them. She’ll remind me about it when she wants to guilt trip me.
Guilt, resentment, fear, anger etc are indications a boundary has been crossed. Pay attention to how you feel around certain people. Are you unable to eat or do you comfort yourself with food or maybe both after an encounter? Do you self-isolate? If you don't feel it's too intrusive consider keeping track of your feelings in a journal. Notice if there are patterns of behavior and reaction. It can help you gain insight into your own limits/boundaries and feelings but it can also be useful if you're working with a therapist since they don't get to see how we behave outside of the office.
I know, it is difficult to explain to other people and sometimes you feel compelled to explain yourself even if, well, you don't feel to do it. Maybe you don't feel strong enough, maybe it makes you feel ashamed, maybe you just feel it would be "too much". Did your mother also try to make you believe all people think like that? That those (the self-interest, the deceiving, the manipulation) were the normal ways of the world? My parents did it, to isolate me, I think, and also because, probably, that's how they truly feel. Narcissist people are emphatically bankrupt.
Aye, it's a absolute trap.
@@AnnaGirardini It was my aunt who told lies about my mom (no surprise) to help my dad gain custody of me illegally. I could write a book or movie about my life. I don't want to overwhelm you.
Mu father is just like that.
Rule #1: Never give a narcissist ANY attention. Rule #2: Never give a narcissist ANY attention. Rule #3: See rules #1 & 2.
Perfect!!!!
My mom would be like but oh she is your sister.
give them attention, the best narcissistic supply they ever had and then breadcrumb them. just like they would do to you. i love keeping narcissists as pets 😎
Totally the ONLY turn on to this guy!!!!
@@lilithlight3570 drive them crazy just like they do to you lol. you have to train them like dogs, use positive reinforcement. when they are bad ignore them, when they’re good reward them. also don’t listen to what they say, listen to their actions. 😅
"Save your gifts for those who are worthy recipients"
- Dr. Ramani
💜
I gave her everything money jewelry,my glass Art, for 10 years, now I’m broken…
Like my ❤
YES!!!! Ohhh ❤I love that!!!!
If both the inlaws are narcissist
How to handle
They dont talk with their daughter
(Then dont like if she listens me)
We r overseas
Now a parcel is on the way from their side😂
"Do not give your pearls to pigs."
“Do not cast your pearls before swine.”
Amen
It took me 30 years to realize this fact.
Sheila Thomas that used to run through my mind often during my relationships with narcissists.
Sheila Thomas 🙏🏾
I was told once that passage means, do not give your very best to swine.
Everything must be immediately forgiven when you receive their gift or money..so they never have to apologize for anything..
I have said this for YEARS
OMG How I can relate to this one!!! 😬
makes sense
BINGO!!!!
Oh god...this.
23:16 relationships are not transactions. Healthy relationships are connected by respect, compassion, reciprocity, kindness, and growth.
That hit me, I am constantly reminded of the "things" that are done and given to me by the narc in my life!
Would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather be hugged and adored than receive any gift.
@@LVSnailSandwichContent Are you sure you mean "adored"? I have no interest in being "adored", just being acknowledged as a valuable human
being would be enough.
@@rochelledunk5163 I hear you. Acknowledged like that would be first, but I've always wanted to be adored by someone I love.
Yet it is so rare that I don't even believe that a relationship can be this healthy and most of the healthy people I had seen ALWAYS fall in love with a narcissist maybe because they believe they can change them I don't know but you will rarely see two narcissist fall in love. If one of your surroundings is a narcissist know that there is a healthy person behind them. I think the more altruist a human being is the more they are attracted to broken or toxic persons.
As my Mom regularly preached… “Stop expecting sanity from the insane.” The only way to win with an NPD is to get as far away from them as you possibly can.
That’s not really an option for many. I mean I was born to a narcissistic mother and have a narcissistic sibling. How was I going to escape them?
Absolute truth. Leave NPD people where you find them in their world of jealousy, envy, greed and evilness.
@@lisahayes3648 I’m sorry that you have to deal with that… I stay as far away from my Narcissistic relatives as I can. If you’re a child you have no choice but as an adult I do. I’d rather be alone than loose my sanity. Lol
@@lisahayes3648I'm in the same boat as you, narc dad, step brother and his narc fíance, I've cut them and all those believed their lies about me, out of my life. I lost half my family, but have kept the ones who knew my character well enough to see through the BS. You'll be happier without them, trust me...
A “gift”, from the narcissist, can never be reciprocated to the level of their expectation. You can never love them enough in gratitude.
Wow yes! 💯💯
I spent my whole life violently overachieving to please my narc parents. I was in every club, played every instrument, every sport, working several jobs, shoveling them thousands of dollars since I was a teen. It was when I graduated an Ivy League with a full ride and they continued to badger me about my worthlessness, I realized that I will NEVER be enough for them. I cannot stand when anyone praises me for my accomplishments because I never wanted ANY of it. I did it all for them. Now it’s time for me. I’m going to live in the woods to figure myself out 😂 thanks Doc ❤️
Awesome. I moved to the woods 5 yrs ago. Peace
Dont hide. Enjoy yourself. You are wiser now and sort out the good people from the toxic ones. Go get some of those good chocolates Forest Gump refers to.
@@kangarookids7497 cannabis is legal here it's brownies for me
@@michaeljackson7361 Cute, sense of humor. ha. ha
They’ll be dead sooner or later...fuck them off & enjoy
When I became an LPN my mother and my brother both told me on the day I passed my nursing boards that “you’re not a Real Nurse! YOURE A FAKE NURSE!” They said it with anger and an attitude. I never got praised or congratulated. I’m an RN now and they can SMD 🤷🏽♀️ I cut them off 😊💜 and that’s the best thing I’ve ever could’ve done
Good for you, sis. You deserve better. Know that other sistas are proud of you.
❤️❤️. You go girl!!
I'm an RN, and I appreciate you!!!
Congratulations 🍾🎊🎉. Good you cut them off.
I started with my BscN and RN, but when I got my masters started teaching nursing and consulting on complex cases my mother and aunt told everyone in the extended family I wasn't a real nurse anymore. Didn't even ask their opinion after the phd
Over time, I realized that sharing my accomplishments or getting too excited about ANYTHING in front of anyone might trigger their jealousy and cause them to sabotage or hate on me. It happened so many times and forever, I had been stunned when someone can't take joy in another's good fortune. I have always enjoyed watching the people around me succeed - it makes me happy to share another's happiness. It took years before I finally understood that certain people can only feel good when they shit all over you.
Even though we don't know each other.... I'm happy for you and your accolades. You didn't give up. Your not a quitter! ♡ :)
Don't let others dim your light. Still be yourself..just maybe limit being around people mike that. That's my latest approach!
Don't let their insecurities dullen your shine. 🙂❤
One of the first things I noticed in my mother that disturbed me. She rejoiced when others mourned and mourned when others rejoiced! Hmmmmm that's a clue.
I don't celebrate anything publicly anymore...some of those people are in my family and friends circle.
This explains so much. One of my friends used to say they thought I'd rather stick a pin in my eye than take money from my dad, after I left home. Somehow even as a young person, I knew if I took anything from him it would be held over my head forever. The one time I did ask for help he turned it into a major shame session. Never, EVER again.
Never - ever, ever LOAN a narcissist anything that is of value to you.
We did - and he lost it - got stolen- what happened to You ?
I have lent things. They never return the same, if at all.
@@katmurphy7093 Oh my goodness so relatable, they never return stuff. You learn not to lend them anything, being that sister is a narcissist & hoarder, she has plenty of stuff!
My dear friend's sister, upon taking leave of her home (after living there rent free-far beyond the initial agreed upon time) helped herself to the closet which contained her sisters favorite items of clothing (as such they were pricey, and not easily replaced).
When my friend calmly inquired about her missing clothing, her sister informed her that she had indeed taken them. BUT...it was done out of love-bc she sensed her sister needed a lesson in letting go.
I feel a pang of frustration thinking of this-esp given all my friend has done for her "difficult" sister. And the fact that she honestly thought her explanation would be be believed (despite the FB selfies she posted wearing said clothes)??? I mean...
Lent her a violin. Next day, early in the morning around 8 I got the call. It was in 1000 pieces
This "gift giving" is what I call "fawning". I consider it the fourth "F" of the survival response to trauma. Those four "F's" are Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn. Fawning is where I survive any given relationship or situation by attempting to befriend the threat. I survived by using all four "F's" and fawning was the most degrading and dehumanizing of all of them.
Wow you are spot on. I never thought of it like that. Thank you for the insight.
@Carol. That's brilliant insight! Spot on! Thank you for sharing.
Carol, Michelle, and Let's Talk', Maybe the last f-word Michelle couldn't remember was "f*ck" , as Let's referenced as unpaid prostitution. No judgement here... I have had to disentangle myself from all 7 of these F(ing) egoic survival plots I enacted on my life path to Freedom. Dr. Ramani and this courageous group of listeners/subs., Heart-felt gratitude to All 💚 Chi Miigwech (Native American Ojibwe term for Great Thanks) Blessings 🙏
Carol Maxine Son this is also called “tens and befriend” by new psychological research. It’s a bit gender divided. More men fight or flight and more women tend and befriend the abuser.
Let ́sTalkAboutIt the reward is surviving that situation if you are stuck in it. Sometimes people can’t escape and have to survive living in it.
My narc sister never gave me a gift without reminding me later about it, especially during an argument. I stop taking gifts from her because they weren't gifts but displays of her generosity (with strings attached).
Can you give them back ?
@Mary Carroll I told my sister finally to stop buying me gifts.
My ex was like this. His gifts kept on giving...him narcissistic supply. He'd comment whenever I'd use the gift about how nice the gift was, how the person who gave it must have really loved me. What a nice person the gift giver was.
@@angelaopper3579 that sounds different from what she is talking about in the video. Some people just say that trying to be flirty or cute talking.
@Happy Days, my response wasn't to what was being said in the video. Rather, I was responding to ImAnInfjer's comment.
You are an incredible source and inspiration to save the narc survivers.
She is she helped me a lot in understanding what I am going through. The agony in not visible but it's unimaginable. Her video helped me a lot in understanding my situation better
@@wildrose2004 I hope you can escape!
Narcs know what they are doing.
Dr. Ramani.... are you Single?
You nailed it Dr. TY
Well said!!!❤
Having a narcisstic parent is so tiring. Whatever you do for them it is never right and they throw things back at you months or even years later.
That why you should be more independent from them and teach them healthy boundaries. Many of those parents do not deserve your love it doesn't matter they were used by the divine to bring you into this life.
In my case decades. The projection never stops. So I am stupid guilty for things she did decades ago. Omg So Thankful for those who stood by me during this tough time.
Exactly. And they act like giving you the things that any parent would and should give to their child somehow makes them entitled to do as they please.
That's why I cut her off and depend 100 on me period
I can’t talk to my mom any longer. It was too abusive and draining. She tried to suck me back in, recently, and I ignored her, which is not what I was raised to do. She bold-faced lies about me. Now my siblings are even ignoring me. She is working hard behind the scenes... I won’t talk to her anymore, because any info I give her she will use against me and talk about me behind my back.
My family has severe lack of boundaries. I need to watch this video several more times until it sinks into and stays in my head.
Lol, narcissists aren't going to like your little victories.
In fact, they hate them poisonously. That goes triple for narc parents.
Narcissists hate your accomplishments, and wish to put an end to them by all means possible. Especially low, sneaky, underhanded means.
So True! Narc parents want to keep the scapegoats suppressed!
Very true!
So right. I, for one, know it all too well.
They only like accomplishments if it makes them look good and they'll brag to others about "how well they've raised you"
@@PurplePinkRed Yep.
I noticed during my healing process, I could walk into a store and pick out 20 things I knew the narc would "like." I knew his taste, wants, needs better than my own. When I was finally on my own, I had to question myself when I bought something, am I buying this because I actually like it or because the narc likes it? It was hard to find myself and my likes separate from his influence. I was under his spell for over two decades. I did a lot of thoughtful and nice things for him and my family did as well. He seemed grateful for a split second and then start bashing not to long after. His gratitude was always very short lived or possibly fake. I just became a slave of sort. He really didn't know or care about my well being or just enough to keep me serving him. It left me very far from my true genuine best self. Sad I wasted so many years, but I can't change the past. I appreciate the health and peace I have now.
Two decades+. Glad to have it behind me.
Hi Tammy
I hope u r in a good place now.
This is so relatable to me at this point in my life. Thank you for sharing your story🤍
💜💯✊🏽✊🏽✊🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
You are on it. They are so ungrateful. You are trying to grow together and support and they'll say you never supported them. Sick of them.
So correct. It seems they do not see it. But in reality, they feel entitled i think.
Yes God! They say that no one ever helped them!
yup
@@MsAchampion daily....you never helped me....neverdone anything to help me
@@clauc.5981 Yes! You won't believe what he's doing now! Making his daughters birthday somehow all about what he wants and not her. I invited another child, one of her friends to come along. I also prepaid to rent a larger vehicle to accommodate the extra child and so that all three kids can enjoy riding in a newer vehicle 😀. He says, ive already reserved for us four, that kid needs to be 11 and he needs a reservation, see you always doing something .😲 I said, well let the child have my spot, because he had already paid, so I'm grown, it won't kill me. But the real reason he's mad is because he didn't want me to invite her friend at all 😔 He wanted to drive his own car in order to take it to the race track that's located near the same area where we planned to go. Again, all about his self!
I’m a people pleaser, usually volunteering to help. I’ve discovered that I became the person called upon to help. It never stops and there never is true appreciation. I became like an object to be relied upon. Nobody I ever did things for, in particular the ones who call upon me for help, ever cared about what was going on with me.
I used to be a people pleaser too. These videos are helping me to see the narcissists around me and don't waste my time or resources on anyone who doesn't care for me.
@@simone0718 ..we're learning aren't we? Many blessings.
Your comment reminded me of the good superhero in Megamind, who got tired one day of helping everybody. He didn't have a life of his own, he always had to be there to help people.
❤
Exactly! Surround yourself with beautiful people! Cut ties with the scum...
"Save your gifts for people who are worthy recipients." I loved it when you said that. It's taken me years, but I have finally realized this. Thank you.
P
I can totally relate to this. The more you try to prove you are worthy, the worse they make you feel. I have even tried to be ‘nice’ to my Narc husband’s enablers in order to make him happy, hoping that this might re-establish my lost connection with him. Only to have them all gang up, turn around and ridicule me. Any achievement of mine which I shared, he would bring up something bigger that he achieved. Nothing is ever good enough for these people, who believe they are God’s ultimate gift to mankind. By bursting our bubble, they keep us demoralised and deflated.
You know, i can attest to this because: my mother (first female narc i dealt with) did this to me (when i tried to be nice, make peace, mend the relationship), the two narcs i deal with now (1 male, and 1 female) also do the same. They literally do not care.
@@saijanaswamy7210 so many narcs, they are everywhere.
Nelumbo Nucife
@@saijanaswamy7210 Grey Rock them!
Hope you can get out!
Narcs cannot change.
This was me learning how to cook better, complain less, and make sure he had clean clothes. Just to name a few. And I didn’t know that I was gift-giving at the time. He always seemed to forget these things when he was telling others how evil and abusive I was. And I did believe that I wasn’t a good enough person because why else would he say those things? Dr. Ramani you are truly saving lives. No therapist has ever come close to understanding what was actually happening in my relationship. Now that I know about this subject it has allowed me to start to heal.
I ALWAYS felt this. Like I offer so much to our home and he takes and takes that never having to ask and never offers much appreciation or anything in return
Yea that took me a while because after my relationship I sort of stopped doing certain things because I felt like I was being taken advantage of so it sort of went into my new relationship and I began to realize that I was actually with a good dude who wasn’t a narcissist.
You can look in the mirror & know what you did matterd! I tried too in hopes it might get better if I tried harder. My adult children know I was not the evil criminal. They were put thru Hell & In knowing I tried to be the best version of myself. I learned I can o ly control myself & barely got put alive. Still hope the best is yet to come 59 to age 90.
So you tried to keep him around with doing chores and being less negative? So I'm guessing he just wanted to be in a negative relationship
@@ifenewsome505 when you put it that way it puts it into perspective. Now I can see how a person with good boundaries would see that as ridiculous. Even with our individual flaws, we are deserving of decency and respect.
I remember doing this. It felt like such a slap in the face when I was actually criticized for my gifts rather than thanked. Yet I kept trying. Thank you for these videos. They've helped me get closure on a toxic relationship that I left long ago.
Erica Lewis, I thought this only happened to me. A cousin I don't know very well said, "I hear you're going to be passing our house on your way back from Texas - why don't you stop in and have dinner with us? I said I would. We were in the middle of a heat wave, and a farmer had watermelons for sale by the side of the road. Doesn't it seem normal to think, I'll take them a watermelon? Guess how he received it? Obviously annoyed with me, he said, "Where do you think I'm supposed to put this? There isn't room in the refrigerator." I told him to stick it in the basement. That shut him up, but that remark cast an unpleasantness over the rest of the evening, and I couldn't wait to leave. His wife just sits there, seeming not to notice his rudeness. Never going back!
My mother was a classic at this and actually gave gifts back to me nothing was ever good enough
@Rebecca Buschhorn , Somewhere they're still stuck in childish ways. Immaturity. Nothing can be done.
Erica Lewis I’ve had that happen too....
It really is a slap in the face. It hurts. When the narcissist I was dating starting discarding me, I upped my gift giving game in what I now realize was my desperate attempt to keep him around. I spent a tremendous amount of time and money having an extravagant gift made for him. I was soooo excited to present it to him because I knew it would mean a lot to him. I called him to see when I could come by to give him the gift. He told me he was at a friends house, so maybe tomorrow. Every time I tried to give him the gift, I got another excuse and I got the "maybe tomorrow" excuse. I finally was like, "look I am just trying to give you something that I spent some time and money on and just need to know a good time when we can meet. Can we just set up a time when I can drop off my gift?" And you know how he replied? He said, "well look, at this point, I don't even feel like this is a gift. I feel like this is a chore now. It's like you don't even care about the other things I have going on in my life that I have to do and take care of." I was dumbfounded. I guess his going for swimming and drinks by his friend's pool were all those terribly burdensome things in his life I was apparently not thinking about. I felt so used and felt so dumb at the same time. How did it get to the point where I wanted him to like me so much, I was willing to be slapped across the face like this? I think it was then that I started to realize how some abused women stay in relationships with husbands that beat them.
There we go! Bingo! Another puzzle solved in the narcissist game. The best gift to give my narcissist is gossip. They love the control of knowing everything about everyone. No other real material gift (food, trickets, etc) brings any enjoyment. It's the social play that is the true gift.
OMG..Yes..that is so true. My husband lovessss gossip!
I could have earned multiple degrees and paid off an entire mortgage with the endless hours of unreciprocated Listening, Attention, Validation, Praise, Cheerleading, Unpaid therapy, etc. I gave her.
The gift of TIME is something we can never get back. They will steal your whole life if you let them.
That's what I needed to hear. You downplay your shine to make them feel better. What a waste
My mom actually gave me a shirt that said “don’t let anyone dull your sparkle“ and I threw it away because it was so ridiculous that she was the one who gave it to me and she’s constantly trying to take me apart. She has no idea what she’s doing, she just does it constantly.
Dr. Ramani, I am so glad you started this channel. You have taught me so much about narcissism, and I speak for most people here. Never will I associate myself with a narcissist again. Never will I blame myself for their cruel actions towards me, never will I apologize for things I did not do, never will I engage myself in meaningless arguments with them etc. I am so glad that I know better now. We all deserve to be treated with respect .
Beautiful commment
Here is a story for you; gift giving with a twist!!!!! When my father passed away, he left me his work insurance policy. I was so grateful and thought it was a kind thing of him to do. My Narc Mom said that he left to me by accident, was actually meant for her and when I receive the check I needed to sign it over to her. When I questioned it, she then said just never mind, I give it to you!....OMG, these people are a piece of work!!!!!!
Ha, my Mom paid for some dental work on a low interest credit card and I paid her back over 6 months time. A year later we were out to dinner in a group and someone brought up how expensive dental work is and I told them how much my dental work cost and I my Mom said in front of everyone in an accusatory tone "I PAID FOR THAT". I didnt even want to undermine her by pointing out that I paid her back but it was so disheartening to see that she was willing to embarrass me to make sure she got credit for something that she didn't actually do.
SO NONI I laughed when I read this ,my father did the same thing at our engagement party walked around telling everyone he had given us a big deposit for a house LOL he gave us such a small amount but big noted himself
For my birthday I gave myself a gift since I wouldn't be getting one anywhere else. My mom had a fit sayung I should have bought her something too. It was a childish tone and body language. You should have seen the jaw dropping my neighbor has when she seen my mother's behavior.
@@3monsters014 ....thanks for sharing your story.......it sucks realizing we were raised by children. I've had my fare share of struggles and worked on myself to recover, so nice to know now I don't have to tolerate their childishness anymore. Keep thriving and stay safe my dear one.
@@sononi4798 So just say "I paid her back". If she undermined you then give it back.
And case closed, no resentment, done.
It’s shocking how spot on this is! Any accomplishment is either ignored or diminished. (I’m not sure which stings more.) Further, every precious mistake or “personality flaw” is constantly incorporated into conversations. Mercilessly. Your examples are extremely helpful in understanding what all of this is. Thank you!
This is so heartbreaking. All I can picture is this child or adult wanting approval from the one they love and being dismissed. How can some people be so demonically awful....
Huh?
Key word: demonic
It is....I got tired of the dog and pony show...Funny now discarded..60 years old realizing my entire family are narcs. I was never enough.
Parents with their faces glued to games, and social media.. wow. Its real!!
In my mind, it really is not so much "Gift Giving" but rather "Sacrificial Offerings" like the Mayans would do to their gods, or the Vikings prior to battle. These "offerings" would be to appease their gods in hopes not to anger them and gain their favor. We are doing the same thing here and not realizing it. Eventually those gifts must be more and more significant to gain their approval, that is when the true "cost" really starts to stack up.
mizznfizz1 I feel so much pressure on Mother’s Day. One year it wasn’t enough of a show, or expensive enough.
A love Ponzi scheme or a love totem pole. Same hat.
Yes please Dr Ramani! And thank you so much for your amazing videos. Would also be nice to talk about the narcissistic tendencies (on the rest of the spectrum) that we find in most people ( non-NPDs).
Yessssssssssss!!!! That's exactly what they are, sacrificial offerings to appease the gods! I've also thought of cats bringing home dead birds as offerings to their owners, and the owners look at the cat with disdain, the same way the narc looks at the gift-giver with disdain, even though the gift is better than a dead bird! Lol
That's a great analegy ♥
I also find that gift giving even under normal circumstances, will be used to hurt you. For example, tossing the gift aside, hiding it so no one becomes aware you are a normal person who gives gifts on birthdays, pretending they never got anything from you, on so on...Thank you for sharing this video.
This actually happened to me today. I am estranged from my narc mother, but when her sister passed away, I sent her chocolates. My golden child sister, who was visiting her at the time (I got some flak for not visiting as well), convinced her to throw the chocolates away because there was no return address (Amazon's mistake, I guess). Fortunately, I did not react when my golden child sister told me. I had not invested much emotional energy into the gift and saw it as throwaway money. That really saved me a lot of grief. I can rest peacefully tonight. *sigh*
I’ve had quite a few experiences where extended family would leave all their xmas gifts from us all over their lounge floor when we spent xmas there and then walk/sit on them during the next few days, rather than take them back to their rooms. This was after I’d spent much time carefully trying to find something they would genuinely like.
Stellaria I’m honestly speechless. That is so insensitive and disrespectful! I’m here trying to find out if my ex of 5 years who I lived with was/is a Narcissist. I’m so grateful I got away from him and moved back to my home country. Anyways, the stories I’m reading here sound like him except he was extremely abusive, threatened to throw me out of the window from our top floor bedroom etc. So I’m trying to determine if he was emotionally (+ physically - once!) abusive or if he’s a Narc. The devaluing went on and on. And on.
Jen Doe Thanks - it didn’t make me feel like spending xmas with them (my brother’s family). Strangely they were always the ones that would ask us to spend xmas with them - then when we were there they’d treat us like that. I could never understand why they asked us in the first place.
It does sounds as though your ex was a narc - a dangerous one at that (!)
I have been watching videos like this one & by Richard Grannon - he is incredible on the topic if u are interested th-cam.com/video/q6vlnfdo5jI/w-d-xo.html
Elyse, I relate so very much.
Oh my gosh. I'm doing this! I've been cooking for him after he discarded me. What am I doing????
Trying to win him back or get him to see that he was wrong to discard you because you are awesome!
I did it, too....sending him care packages after he deserted me to move 3000 miles away. And still I was baking goodies for him...>WOW the shame in realizing this is so huge.
We all do it. I bought the guy incredible physical gifts and bought him dinners, even when I knew he was discarding me. Don't feel so bad. It's human nature. Hang in there.
You're arming yourself with knowledge so you can make better decisions from now on.
Please leave and heal your self esteem. I totally understand why you are doing it. BUT ... you deserve more respect.
My ex literally tried to get me to take him to his dr appointment by offering an exchange for counseling, after I moved out and he moved someone else in . He was right when he told my daughter I was a tool. (Too dense to realize I was being used). Well, that little comment opened my eyes to the last 24 years of being used. No ride from me. God values me too much to let me be treated like that.
I noticed that the more you will do for ppl that are narcissistic, the less they do and give. I discovered that you can never do enough, and they imagine that they are doing so much...but they are actually just doing the bare minimum in some ways, in others nothing at all.
This reminds me of an incident from when I was in highschool, and I had a hard time understanding what happened, until recently (and now this video brought it home even more): We had a very hard exam, and the ENTIRE class had failed. Everybody. Except me. I got all points, a perfect grade, while everybody else FAILED. This was very unusual, of course. So naturally, I went home to happily bring the news to my mom so she could be proud of me and be happy too. But instead, when I told her, she was very indifferent and dismissive, and said something like: "Yes, well, of course, that was to be expected, I'm not expecting you to do badly!". No joy, and no praise or appreciation whatsoever. It took me years to stop hurting over this unbelievable memory, which did not make any sense to me. At some point, I had a big aha moment, when I realized that she did it on purpose. Knowingly. To make me not so happy about my achievement. Like turning a knife inside my heart but with a straight face. Some 30 years later, something almost identical happened, she reacted in the EXACT same way, but this time I didn't care.
I was always recognized as the “people pleaser” from Elementary school up till my adult life. It was really tiring at times but the desire to win friends and gain acceptance from others was out of control. I was willing to make many sacrifices for others which not many appreciated my efforts. Then a few years ago, I took a workshop at church on Healthy Boundaries and learned to say “No!” Some of those Narcissists got angry with me and bullied me while others shut me out of their lives if I didn’t obey them or allowed to be used. I’m grateful for this lockdown now cause social isolation doesn’t bother me so much anymore. In fact, I’ve spent more time reflecting on which friends really cared about me during this time and I don’t have to feel obligated to meet with people I don’t want to spend time with but rather focus more time on achieving my goals in life.
Thank you for this one. You’re right. With a narcissist, gift giving buys you nothing.
My ex friend liked to control others with her dad's money. She wanted all of us to depend on her to pay for everything just so she could complain that she was paying for everything because she's "such a pushover". Rejecting money from her constantly started fights and the more successful and self sufficient I became, the angrier she was with me.
It's good she is your ex-friend.
OMG SAME
7:04 example of being recognized for a good deed or achievement hits hard for me. My mom is a textbook covert narc. Years ago, i really got into volunteering my time. I was already struggling internally with my family relationships, so i decided to serve food to needy on Thanksgiving at a local church instead of spending the holiday with them. As it happened, the community newspaper was there and took a bunch of photos. They happened to publish my pic of me serving food with their article. I excitedly showed it to my mom, she turned up her nose, made a face and said " ugh, why would you want to help "those" prople."
She immediately and completely pissed on my good deed and made it seem unworthy and have no merit. I remember the smile fading from my face and the feeling of defeat while she stoicly sat there. It took a couple more years after that, but i finally cut ties. It's been 11 years, and i am so glad I'm free!!
Years of getting straight A’s and being the perfect child was never enough, when I found who I was in my art and I told them I wanted to pursue that for the rest of my life. They tore down my 12 year old self confidence, years of telling me I would never make money. Now I’m beginning to sell my artwork and my family can smd, they’re not worthy of sharing in my happiness
I’m so happy you managed to get past their bullshit and pursued you passion
Another gift I gave was to change myself to keep him around: changed my hair to a blonde color, got contacts because he hated glasses, tried to get thinner because I was the "largest person" he had dated. All those things kept him around but I lost myself in the process.
"Relationships are not transactions. Healthy relationships are connected by respect, compassion, reciprocity, kindness, and growth. In a healthy relationship, when you share good things, it's not to win someone over, but to share in the joy; in a healthy relationship, when you give a gift - whether it's psychological or not - it's not to coax someone into staying, but as a way of sharing gratitude, celebration, or love. "
Dr Ramani Durvasula
Thanks Dr. Ramani - I needed to hear this today!
I literally started losing my mind, then came you ! My thank you is not enough
Yes all her videos have been very enlightening and eye opening for me, now I can better protect myself from such people
Gift giving was a huge power play to my parents. Everything you described. They loved torturing me every Christmas by giving me nothing or regifting gifts given to them..to me. They hated and broke or lost my gifts, especially homemade ones. I stopped giving them anything in the last years before stopping contact. They gave eachother luxury gifts. Sometimes gifts that They knew I wanted. They gave their rich friends expensive gifts. It was all a game of power and control. I learned years ago to expect nothing and give myself my own presents and always have a Plan B on holidays since they usually ruined them with tantrums and other negative drama over nothing. Mom used to be fake nice to me before any holiday, dropping suggestions of things she wanted as gifts (high priced luxury items). Long ago I bought them nice presents but like you say, they found ways to criticize or dislike them. Or give them to me the next year as my present. What ridiculousness. I'm glad to be done with it all.
My narci wife passed away last year (33 years together). Never knew there was a name for her behavior. I was constantly running interference to protect my kids while they were young and at the same time enabling her behavior to stay married. My kids and I are both mourning her loss (yes, we loved her) and trying to heal from the harmful effects of the narci behavior. Thank you for the videos. It helps to understand what was going on and provides some clarity.
I recognized it immediately that has been my life with my parents, with friends and with relationships. I always had the feeling that I needed to prove I was worthy of their attention. This is an excellent video Dr. Ramani
Come out of the FOG- Fear Obligation Guilt.
WOW... great.... I'm writing that one down !!
Love this!
Lisa V my ex husband had so much jealous about my accomplishments and popularity and thought he would finally be proud and happy for me but it backfired....
Just when I think I've processed all the things that happened in my relationship, I learn more things that did to keep things going smoothly. What a lightbulb moment for me. This is very hard to process. But worth it!
Who needs to go to a therapist and pay thousand when Dr. Ramani is helping us all for free 👑
I would send her money if she asked or accepted it. She has saved my sanity!
You hit the target! The other side of this is their gifts. Always given and you are never allowed to forget it.
The lockdown has given me the chance to not feel pressured to see this person socially. I feel grateful to have gotten out of the spot I was in which was trying to get the relationship back.
I've never heard of this BUT yes, and thousand times yes. Anything of value will be met with contempt.
OMG! I was repeatedly almost ordered to give in to agreeing to a sexual act that I did not feel comfortable with; he kept persisting. I’m so glad that I never acquiesced to it!
Yes the narc yelled and said he was understanding my refusal was cutting him off sexually so what happens next is my fault...wouldn't hear me say I'm only refusing to do that. Guess he feels he needs permission to keep cheating.
Yikes! It's good you didn't. You've got self respect and my support!♡:)
Yep me too.
He would have got what he wanted and still wouldn’t have been satisfied. I tried for years to satisfy my ex wife who is still unsatisfied with life. My children are going through it with her now. When the demand is met it is still never enough.
As I was almost 50, I gave my mom a hugh the day before she would die.
Her response was 'so much love, I do not know what to do with it '
Then I knew she had not been able to give love.
Omg, this is exactly what I’ve been doing trying so hard to win their love and respect. Thank you for your life changing insights.
When watching this video, I even realized the gift giving can also be literally materialized: I cannot remember a single time in my life when the master narcissist in my family was happy, nor was able to show a breadcrumb of happiness, despite her otherwise usual opportunist faking mastery, when she received a gift. The result was always a painful invalidation, until we all stopped giving her gifts. After a life of abuse, the whole family finally reacted with estrangement but is struggling with serious issues, and is externally seen as "the bad ones".
Thanks to gorgeous Dr. Ramani the dysfunctional model of my family has come to light. God bless her
This video is like a mirror held up in front of my face because I didn't even realize that this was me a few short months ago. I was giving and buying little things not only because I cared about the narcissist but a part of it was to keep his focus it didn't last long and soon backfired
My father was always like that to me. And now that you mentioned it, I realized that I do that "gift giving" not only with him, but with other people too.
Whenever I share anything with my mother about something i've done or an accomplishment. She always talks about what another family member has done thats similar or go off on the things she has done lately and just makes me feel like what I had done was no big deal. I've started to really pull back on what I share with her.
Lacey,
I can absolutely relate with that and my mother. It makes me not want to share my good news with her because I know she will just ruin it. Yet in my head I keep expecting her to change and just care and be a freaking mom:(
I'm sorry,
Hang in there girly. 🙏
My dad does that too. He never says Congratulations and brings up something someone else has done in the family or he is close to. It seems he doesn't realize how it comes across.
Yes, if share a very positive experience with my mother she'll say I got lucky.
I went no contact with my family when I was 22. They sucked me back in via my favorite sibling. I’m 60 now and have gone no contact again. Watching these vids I’m realizing how many (wrong) life choices Ive made because of hearing their voices in my head, just afraid of being ridiculed for who I’ve chosen as a mate, where Ive chosen to live etc. I feel so free (but at the same time guilty, so watching these vids is essential) . I feel like making my own choices from now on is going to be an amazing adventure.
The confusing dynamic, feeling obligated to give gifts because they hand you physical gifts. Then they use those gifts to demand your loyalty and obedience. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for reminding us that healthy relationships are not transactional.
I give small gifts to people I like over the years. I don't expect anything in return, but it is kind of weird when they don't even mention it. No thank you, no nothing. Very strange, and very different from the way I was raised, and how things used to be. Makes me think maybe I shouldn't bother,
Don't let evil people change the wonderful person you've been raised and grown to be
I’ve noticed that as a rule, especially with younger people, they don’t seem to have that manners training, and usually do not give appreciation
If you are only gifting for the accolades, yeah, you should stop. But yes, it’s weird that they don’t even say thank you.
@@EphemeralProductions true. with most ppl manners are too 'retro' (dispensable, outmoded).
Joe don’t bother Joe. It never accomplish anything you are hoping for......
I learned this early in childhood. My mother would be so relieved when there where events, news or gossip that she could use to offer our narc. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it meant we'd have a chill, non traumatic evening. What a shadowy game to play.
It never ceases to amaze me how spot on each of these videos videos is to the experiences I had with my wife for 25 years. Before we were married she wanted to attend night school at a private university and finish her business degree at a private University. My stepson was 2 years old and in daycare so I picked him up every evening, took him home, fed him dinner, bathed him, read him books and put him to bed so she could go to night school and finish her degree. She graduated Summa Cum Laude and when we got married she decided she wanted to be a stay home mom so she never used her degree. We had 2 children of our own and when the kids were teenagers she wanted to get her real estate license. She didn't have any money to get the real estate license with so naturally I paid for her to go to real estate school, paid for her real estate licensing exam. She went to work for a company as an agent in training. She quickly decided it was too stressful and she never became a full fledged real estate broker and never used her real estate license.Those are just 2 examples, there are dozens and dozens of literal gifts I poured on her to try and please her. The effects were always very short lived and never enough. What's worse, I still love her and greive her leaving everyday! What is wrong with me?!!
I never got recognition from my Narc ex husband for any of my achievements however he would tout my accomplishments to others. It was like he was trying to live his life through mine. So weird.
"...however he would tout my accomplishments to others. It was like he was trying to live his life through mine...." This is exactly what my narcissistic abusive mother always did. it made it impossible for me to be "happy" about anything i had achieved, it always felt as if she took it "away" from me to shine herself...
You are awesome Dr. Ramani! I was the scapegoat child in my family. I wanted so much to be accepted and valued by my parents. I let them drive me into poverty and desperation trying to get them to acknowledge my "gifts". It was a painful wake up call to realize they had no love or respect for me as a person. Parents should love all of there kids, not just their golden child. They were blessed to have a daughter like I was. They weren't capable of love. compassion, or even basic kindness. That was their failing. Not mine.
I had never connected this expectation but I see that I've done it my whole life: jobs, friends, lovers. The way you present this is useful.
Thank you doctor for your series. I’m almost 60 and finally getting some sort of grasp on what has been going on my entire life 😁
Me too!
Me too….🤦🏻♀️
You sure do understand this well. You’ve described several things I went through. Going along to getting along especially. I went along with things that went against my character and values just so he wouldn’t rage at me. It wasn’t worth it.
I did this as well and never realized that this is what my trauma bond from my childhood was making this whole thing rolling. Wow, this is a goldmine.
*Please make a video on how to value yourself and how to recognise that you’re not valuing yourself enough.*
WOW! GUILTY, on so many levels...but NO MORE thanks to you, Dr. Ramani ... Looks like not only will I be saving my hard-earned $ but more importantly, my self respect ... THANK YOU! 💕🌷⭐
Yes please! Even in overcoming low self esteem, it hard when you learn the traits from parents with no personal boundaries and thier own self esteem and trust issues. Between partners, parents and bad friends I feel I have spent my whole life fighting to just myself and be respected for being myself.
Yes this is much needed for some...For Me..I stopped needing Approval or Thanks from my Mother Decades ago...Because I worked out she was a Sick Person...It was Her Not Me that she had the Problem...Not Ne...I learnt that it was No use Wishing for a Mother/The Parents I was never going to have...And when I saw Her/Them...to only “Talk about the Weather”...😟😂
@@elenikominos7404 the same here!
@@evonne315 I know the feeling!!
If you were brought up in a narcissistic home, you will struggle with self-esteem issues.
The reason is because they have to emotionally beat you down so that they can continue to get away with the abuse.
You are conditioned to second guess yourself and that is due to all the gas lighting they put you through.
The abuser has to keep you confused because this keeps you stuck in the abuse cycle.
Focus on being good to yourself and setting firm boundaries with people!!!
Boundaries are essential to your well-being.
You have to stop being a people pleaser.
This will seem hard at first because you're not used to exercising those muscles.
Once you start telling people no and respecting yourself it will get easier.
Realize that there's no way to please everyone and that you must take care of yourself first in order to help anyone else.
Take Little steps each day to keep building your confidence.
Do things that make you happy and don't worry about what other people think!
Treat everyone with respect but don't hesitate to say "no" when you need to.
People who care about you will respect your boundaries and everyone else can take a hike!
I feel you are telling my story everyday, my family is a mess. We come here to hear your great wisdom! ❤️💪❤️
Ditto!!
While family may be a mess, we don’t have to also be a mess. We are not associated with the messiness of others. Instead, choose to see yourself as a spiritually beautiful person, one moving forward in a healthy manner. The truly good people already see your worth; and that worth is not based upon what you can materialistically give, but is based upon the spiritual beauty you add and give to the world. 💜
I remember she once told me that it felt uncomfortable that I didn't "confide" in her. She didn't realize a person has to comfortable with you to confide in you. She didnt make me feel comfortable because she came off detached and uninterested in whatever "i" had going on. I limited her to very little info from the jump.
That feeling I had within was right. I just didnt know what it was........now I do😐
Same thing happened to me and an old friend! Learning to always investigate those reservations instead of overriding them.
@@T.Alexis926 yes I'm with you. I wish it could've worked and I wish I could've confided in her but it just didn't feel right. I stumbled upon narcissist behavior because I was searching "ghosting". Someone in the comments mentioned ghosting was narcissist behavior. I started search and I'll be damned if she doesn't fall under everything anyone one in any of these video mentions. I gave her a lot of mental real estate.
No contact forever! Fuck her! 😆
If there's one lesson I have learned in all these years of dealing with my narc H, it's listen to your gut. It NEVER lies to you.
@@robinrevell5873 yes I have to agree. There was that "something" that wasn't right. Sometimes she couldn't keep up with her own lies but I wouldnt confront her about it and kept my own mental notes. She had this vibe to her like she was always hiding something and again I never said anything.
After watching many of these videos everything has been aligned for me to understand. I still wish it didnt end like this.
Maybe God has someone better for me down the road 🤔
@@robinrevell5873 So true!
I made my mom a card everyday, I wrote her books, I tried giving her pieces of information. All flying into a vacuum that I could never see until a few years ago. I was a truth teller but I was also so incredibly insecure I couldn't get where I needed to be. Thank goodness for self-help, wellness, and mindfulness. I wish I had valued myself enough and known that I had worth inherent.
Dr. Ramani, you have genuinely changed my life. Every time I get urges to contact or to beg, or I fall into my own cycles with my ex. I watch a video, or several, and the way you word everything so relatable, so compassionately. It's saving my sanity. It's keeping me from going back
Embarrassingly, I tried most all of these things she provides as examples. I qualified to represent the United States in a World championship athletic event. When I shared it with him in the hope he would see value in my accomplishment, he said, Oh yeah, well Melissa ( pseudonym for his mistress) qualified for Boston (marathon). “ .... There is so much embarrassment and shame for having put so much effort into that marriage of 27 years to a pathetic person. Luckily, I am out of it and I am on a very healthy and happy trajectory. Equally pathetic is that Melissa is still with him after discarding her family to be with him. It’s been quite sometime since we’ve divorced and yet their relationship has not progressed.
Wow. So glad you broke free.
Yay for escaping! No need to be embarrassed, don’t victim blame yourself.
Don’t blame “Melissa” either, she’s a victim too
Daisy351 You are spot on! “Melissa” was employed by our financial institution and she was one of my athletic friends. Her son was the lifeguard at our local YMCA.Her husband was the little league coach. She definitely knew our “family” as we attended her annual holiday party. She’s not a victim. Her children and husband are the victims.
Daisy351 Thank you Daisy! Sadly, I learned this lesson the hard way but it is a lesson learned and not to be forgotten. Thank you very much!
Wow. This resonated. I've genuinely loved giving to others since I was little. As a kid, I asked my grandparents if they could help me figure out how to buy an owl for my narc sibling (they were the Golden Child, I was the Scapegoat) because their favourite thing was Harry Potter. Even though my sibling lorded their knowledge and collection over me ("look how great I am, I have all the stuff nobody else has, I know more than you") I still wanted to be good enough to be included and show them I was worthy. This definitely bled into our adult relationships. I took my sibling on trips, new experiences, gave endless gifts to help them feel some form of happiness, and probably one of the most underrated gifts - time and effort to be there for them when they need it. They turned it into a negative memory almost every time. It all resulted in going no contact, and I honestly believe that is the only solid way to heal. Gifts given to narcs are gifts wasted, 100%. They will find a way to devalue the gifts and make you feel like you didn't do enough, especially in their conversations to other people I've noticed. It's good to know there is an actual term for this. Thank you for helping us survive this Dr. Ramani. It's soul crushing, but you give us hope that we can heal.
How about these compulsive givers, who are rich narcs just buying people, buying to get obedience, attention?
I had a similar experience where my ex's behavior would deteriorate with every gift he was giving me as though I was being bought by him .
@Black Weirdo my brother in law is married to a narcissist, I know....His wife does exactly what you saying! She will buy and demand her husband they buy my in law parents gifts and she waits While you're there to give them. Meanwhile my husband is on narcissistic spectrum......His dad is definitely a narcissist. I feel bad for my hubby's brother who is a big codependent like I have been
I used to know someone like that
That’s what I was looking for
Well my mother gives money to my brother to buy his love. So now he's powerless I'm no contact. She gave my sister two cars, they don't see that it is manipulation. I am so relieved l cut her off.
A narcissist may give a gift (when the relationship is new) as a down payment on their target's compliance in meeting their needs and requirements. During a relationship where the narcissist has shown abuse, a gift can be a "bread crumb" to token compensate for the abuse, keep the abusee from taking the abuse public, and/or keep the abusee in the relationship. In worst case scenarios, it can descend (like some john:prostitute relationships or transactions) into tacitly buying a right to abuse and dominate. But where there is reciprocity of equivalent value gift giving, these dynamics do not apply.
^^^ This ^^^
I experienced the worse case scenario😢 . He (covert narcissist) treated me like I was his personal prostitute. Even after he discarded me, because of trauma bonding I was so desperate to hang on to him, I allowed it to still go on. He determined the boundary of the relationship. Thing is it wasn't even a lot of money. He would use birthday and Christmas 'gifts' as advance payments that were to be reimbursed later. He felt his money could buy him anything and anyone. It bought my degradation for twenty years. Good news is last time he offered me money for a 'back massage' I turned him down and went no contact FOREVER.
This is THE MOST INSIGHTFUL RESOURCE, I have ever come across on the subject. It so accurately describes what I have been doing all my life!!!!
OMGosh.." gift giving" is not me being kind and caring....its me being DESPERATE to be seen, loved, appreciated and VALUED. It's like a messed up "see me I'm kind" defense/weapon"
This content has forever changed my insights, thank you.
JUST ONE of the thousands of "gift-giving" experiences with them: Years ago the Foo bought me a car...then slowly turned me into their chaffer upon demand...compromising my life plans, daily plans, time, energy, emotions...eventually taking over my existence...with smirks on their faces. Finally, I said enough...and if they said a shame/guilt giving word about supplying me that car...I would have taken the plates off, unregistered, and canceled the insurance and parked it in their back yard! All yours now...you drive it! I have been NC for three years now...yet still feel inner pain and experience emotional dysregulation, flashbacks, and ruminations, etc. Thank you, Dr, Ramani...it all helps big time...all you do for us! What a process and a journey!
Right on point Dr. Ramani. Still hurts even after 3years of eventually leaving - wasted almost 30yrs spoonfeeding a narcissistic. Never grateful and always felt entitled. Always taking but never gave .... even though always promising .... until I woke up & pack out when my life was on the line.
I did this with my (now ex) husband for many years. He would treat me terribly, and I would go buy him something to make him happy again. On a few occasions, he told me my gifts were garbage and would rage at me to never buy him anything again. Every time his birthday was coming up, I planned something out of my budget to please him. On my birthdays? In five years, he did nothing but start a fight and ruin the day. It is embarrassing when you realize what you were doing, but good God, is it nice to be on the other side with eyes wide open! Thanks, Dr. Ramani, for all of your wonderful content.
I got raged at for buying my husband a flannel shirt that had buttons on the collar. He rejected the gift even tho it looked really nice and he could have cut the buttons off. I stopped buying him gifts after that.
PS props for the holiday ruiners. It was so typical I started hating holidays.
Having our son is what I thought would be the greatest gift to him, and I was so looking forward to being a family, and he even rejected our son, and has consistently disrespected me in every way, and still only "loves" our son, and spends time with him when he's in a good mood, or in front of other people.... I want to get out of this toxicity so badly, but he wont even respect me enough to leave after I've repeatedly asked/told him to get out. Thank you for this video, its opened my eyes that I HAVE to do what's best for my son, and just get us out....
Yes. Same situation. It's scary.
Bet he never fed the kid, or changed a diaper. Just like mine.
I never equated gossiping with a malignant narcissist as "gift giving" until this video, but that is so accurate.
I've been trained to do this my whole life and even when I knew it was wrong and it made me feel disloyal and disgusted, I kept doing it because I knew that was all the narcissist considered me valuable to do. When I systemically refused to do this as an adult, I became worthless to her and now I see why
I've experienced this with co-workers in the workplace (where there are many narcs in big institutions).
Ditto! When Dr. Ramani said this, it was mind-blowing for me. It is indeed a real thing. I know what you mean by being trained and encouraged to do so. Whew!🙏🏼
They do not like us to be happy or get something good, they will feel anxious and they do not like it, therefore they are difficult to respond to our achievements in a good way
Awesome yea, I can relate with that. When we had gone down town for a night of what I thought would be a “fun” time it turned out to be a completely toxic night out to him taking my phone and trying to find something in my phone to fight about and I grabbed my phone and ran away from him to try to find my car as he was blowing my phone up while I needed the GPS to find my way back to my car. It was crazy how I put all this time into looking nice and feeling good to feeling like complete garbage at the end of the night. Worst experience ever. He apologized on the phone, I bring up something that hurt me, he then turns it on me. It was wild after he just apologized but created something unrelated to the situation to come back at me which made no sense to the current issue.
Really helpful Dr. Ramani. My question is; can it also go the other way? A narcissist gives gifts to you so that you are indebted to them and then they try and manipulate you because of that indebtedness? Also, they feel entitled to treat you badly because of the gifts they have given you?
I have gone through that same thing, it's awful and #@$% up
Omg my ex would do this to me all the time
@Cat woman That's what they do with money, at least in my family. If they have given you any money then they can treat you the way they want. My narcissistic mother still tells me off if I criticize my narcissistic grandmother because she helped me out with money especially during school. I can say it was blood money and I've "wasted" several times over on my mental health due to the abuse.
Yes, it's called loan sharking, and it's a favorite tool of all manipulative people, as well as people who actually wish to harm you.
I've given gifts to my mother and she never appreciated any of it but if she gave me a gift I had better thank her up and down. Even if I did she would say I'm a user or ungrateful. Always a nasty string attached. Nothing was ever good enough.
Never one for 'fawning' but she wasn't happy unless that's what I did.
ungrateful is my middle name
This is so hopeful in finally seeing them clearly and breaking the cycle. Thank you.
I took a month long trip to Paris once.I was so happy and free. My mom and sister (not to be left out or out done) Flew to Paris, hunted me down and intruded themselves into my vacation latched on to my friends and totally hogged the spotlight.
You’re the best Dr. Ramani. You have an ability to make us feel better that’s very special. 🙏
I've always been a gift giver. I'm learning to be strong on my own. Thank you so much for this video. This hits home
With the clear insight you are providing through your videos on various YT channels, a lot of troubled humans are discovering their lost self and identifying the patterns of thought, behaviour that need a serious work. You have been a wonderful guide for many people across the world in their battles for survival and for a better life.
I listen to her every morning, it's my therapy session. My last official contact with my family was July 28,2021
🙏🏽✊🏽✊🏽✊🏽💜💜💜💜💜💯💯💯💯
Moved 800 miles away five years ago . Only thing I’ll get screwed on the will
Wow this absolutely describes the family members I grew up with, a along with every man I've ever been in a relationship with, including my husband, and most of his family members that I know.
I now understand why I was the black sheep of my own family and of my in laws. I dont engage in gossip, but I have always tried to showcase my "awesome-ness" in order to validate myself in any of these relationships.
I've accused my husband many times of only liking to talk to me if gossip is the topic.
Thank you so much for all your videos. You've helped me break the cycle of trying to get my husband to love me again like he used to. I haven't felt or experienced love from him in many years. And I now see I never actually had his love at all. So instead of continuing with a million and one second chances just to end up devastated and heartbroken every single time, I've been able to realize that no matter how badly I want his heart the way he has mine, it'll never happen.
We have 2 daughters and 4 step daughters together so we do have to stay in each others lives to limited extent. But now I'm able to stop being distracted with my broken love-longing heart. I can be civil with him without wanting anything from him. Its such a relief to finally be in control of my own emotions.
We've only been separated less than a week, but we both have fully accepted our new roles in each others life. When I told him I no longer want him to keep all those promises, that theres nothing he can do to get me back, he basically said ok and didn't even try to protest against it, just like he never fought for our marriage while we were together.
And that gave me all the strength and validation I need to keep myself from wanting back into his torturous cycles.
I honestly can not thank you enough. I gave him almost 12 years of my life, and I got 2 beautiful daughters from it, but I dont have to give him anymore of my time to keep discarding like trash. I have hope for a future without him, and I finally understand theres no hope in a future with him.