I went no contact when I was 18 and I feel great about it as well but I have noticed that throughout my life, even some 20 years later, a lot of people think poorly of me when they learn I don't have contact with my family. Like, new people assume my family is fine and I'm the issue. I mourned the loss of my family long ago but I still don't have a skill set for this constant questioning of why I have no family in my life.
IZzy Bizzy Just own it. If people can’t understand tell them it’s painful and complicated. Then they’ll back off. No one should judge you and don’t judge yourself. I get it. Same for me.
Hi L.Lakes, My answer was very short, but I accidentally pressed sent after 'yes' .. 😁But I really sympathize with you, because as a scapegoat you never do well, no matter what you do and how much you give and have to deliver, even its all and your own hart! My siblings are also injected with msllisious poison about me.. They also have that evil narc blue print about the "badness" of me! Narc parents leave a trail of destruction. I still consider changing my strategy even after 63 years and knowing getting anything back. It hurts to leave my brothers too! But its maybe a pitfall too for being responsible for thém and always everything. Maybe it should stop now .. but I also see how they have been abused by this impossible person, who dared to call herself "mother"! But I understand very well that you distance yourself, because everyone in the family is deeply damaged somewhere. And the question is whether you should invest in it longer, knowing that you'll get nothing in return .. Really really NOTHING! Thats my yes..you'r absolutely right.
Your personality type is super empath, which is not a bad thing, but you are a magnets for narcissists. Watch videos on super empaths. It will teach you how to deal with toxic people. Sending positivity to you ☀️
@@thereal4113 I'm not sure if this is a message to me...but I attract npd types over and over .. It is incredible how I keep kicking in these nbd types, but always have to skip them very anxiously afterwoods from my life too! Its super exhausting! I learn a lot about npd now... but not yet about super emphatic persons. I really like to learn and..... fight too!! Thank you for your vision and response! Your suggestion helps for me anyway bc I want to understand everything!! And above ALL I want to grow to be able to stay in a loving, learned way, as a wise mother for my doughters! Never to old to learn if love runs life! 😊💖💪💥👋
My mother has A LOT of money in the millions! She has controlled me with it hanging an inheritance over my head. My mental health was more important to me than having money. I have learned by watching her that money will not bring you happiness! I would much rather have mental health and peace in my life than money. I am a beautiful grey rock.
one thing you said sparked in me...when I am not around my narcissistic family members that horrible knot in my stomach is absent...I have to remind myself that feeling peace without them isn't a bad thing or something I should feel guilty for. Thanks for the video
my body was so fed up with visiting my parents that now, every time I do (and it's never more than twice a year) I got blinding headaches that end only the day after I leave their house
I know exactly what you mean. I ended my relationship with my narc mom and her flying monkey husband 7 years ago because I felt nothing but intense anxiety and heart palpitations in their presence. Our bodies always know, even if we try to convince ourselves that “this is just how they are”.
Hey Jules FitMinute Me also. I follow Dr. Ramani because i have BPD and a narcsissistic mother, father, stepmonster ( REALLY BAD ) and half the extended family. Unfortunatly narcs are everywhere these days with so much selfish behavior but i wanted to agree.Thank You for validating what i knew all along.
Sounds a lot like me. I grew up in a narcissistic household, and once I realized how bad it was I felt like I had no choice but to cut them off. If I didn't do that I would probably be dead. I wanna live.
I felt suicidal, I told myself it was either I remain with them and die( I already felt numb and dead inside) or I cut them off and have myself. I chose myself.
@@kiv_danielsI got close to exiting twice in the last decade. I underestimated the damage it was doing to my psyche and mental health always believing my mental illness which my first onset was at age 9 just came to believe I had some inherited biological disease. But now that I know about how malignant both my parents are I am remembering how the abuse affected me and those early years that set the stage for my mental breakdown was directly caused by them. My mother managed to get my one and only precious son to devalue and discard me. This is her ultimate revenge and I know already from previous experiences that she’s hoping that this will do me in for good. As painful and heart shattering this had been I’m going to survive this and I won’t let it kill me.
My answer to that : I could not choose my family. I put myself my life first. If someone openly judge me or insult me over cutting my family off. I cut that person off too. Stand in your truth people!☺
@Sheila Mchgee wow. I spend years on studying the subject very very deep. Spent years on my own building myself. Don't you get me wrong I do get down, get scared etc. Stubbornly refuse to need the wrong people. I'm my biggest cheerleader.
@Sheila Mchgee I love to give hope. I tell the people I know see I'm your walking talking example. Yes we can! Takes a lot of work , but it worth it.you doing it for yourself. Everything is better than being with people whom don't reciprocate. All the best to you!
Andrea Magyar 100%. Not everyone will understand & it doesn’t matter- your quality of life and health matters more than pleasing people. People who judge you for cutting off abusive people are probably abusive themselves.
@@crayonofdarkness215 I've just got so sick of it all. It is OK to live life how it suits me. You are right if not abusive them self's, in denial. Waste of breath and time.
Most people do not understand what growing up with very dysfunctional parents is like. On top of this there is societal conditioning that children "should" honour and love their parents. It is all part of the trap that keeps a child on the hook. It happened to me. As I look back I wish I had gotten away much sooner.
The hardest thing to accept about Narcs is that they don't change. That knowledge has shocked me but it's necessary to let go of the hope that they will.
I am so glad I found you Dr. Ramani. I went no contact from my covert Narcissistic Mom in February 2020. I am the scapegoat and since childhood I have endured so much stress and turmoil as a result her of her presence in my life. This time she was attempting to hurt me through my 7yr old daughter. When I stood up for myself and called out her toxic behavior, it challened her "control" over me and she lashed out. No one around me understands narcissism and I'm continuously made to feel like I'm overreacting and should always bend to her will because she my mother. They are not the ones crying or in mental anguish from her abuse though, I AM! Please understand that toxic is toxic and abuse is abuse regardless of who inflicts it. No one is owed a place in your life including family. Don't continue to subject yourself to damage out of obligation because it's your parent. Know that you have a choice and sometimes a narcissistic parent needs to be removed from your life in order for you to fully heal and move forward.
..."toxic is toxic and abuse is abuse regardless of who inflicts it... and the rest of that paragraph could not be said better, so true Nichole. I too cut off narc parents and it really irks me when people try to guilt you or make you feel awkward because it's your family. Best wishes in your healing journey.
@Nichole Renee, stay strong. Back before the internet we faced these issues ALL ALONE. Now we have the info we need to know that we are not alone and we should not feel guilty for removing abuse from our lives. You will overcome this, and your daughter will understand someday.
I had no idea i was married to a narcissist for 20 years before I realized it. I stayed for an additional 7 years "for the sake of the kids" Big mistake. My advice RUN don't walk asap.
I just saw the man behind the curtain after being married to him for almost 20 years. How did I not see it before. I'm still in shock...I've been fooling myself for such a long time. Now that I've seen it, I can't un see it...Wow!
@@evangeliakaratza-styliara4413 It is hard if there are children involved. Try to network and find a narc advocate in your area. The courts don't recognize narcs
Oh I know about estrangement!! The key for me is having self love! I have learned to self parent and unconditionally love myself to shield myself from my very narcissistic mother! She no longer has any power over me.
I admire her candid personality. She doesn't mind that her grey roots are showing. She doesn't wear the typical professional attire. But she carries herself in a professional manner.
Dr Ramani is authentic, dedicated and genuine, and hardworking with knowledge. When you have built yourself up in this way, it shows. I have never ever ever had role models, I do not believe in that. But at 40yo I discovered what I would first time in my life call a role model for me, Dr Ramani. She follows after Jesus for me, as my teacher.
I was raised in a dysfunctional family with narcissistic dynamics. I was stretched in all directions to pander to their games. My parents were overbearing, emotionally detached and controlled everything. I was not allowed to make any decisions, including marriage. They manipulated me into getting married into an equally dysfunctional family and I ended up with a narcissistic husband, who figured out I was the family scapegoat. When I was subjected to his abuses, my parents turned a deaf ear and a blind eye. I was trapped in this nightmarish saga and there was no respite. Eventually, I cut everyone from my family off. Have been estranged from them for over 10 years. My Narc husband took advantage of my self imposed isolation and orchestrated my character assassination through smear campaigning and estranged me from everyone in his family. He managed to brainwash our adult daughter too. And proceeded to discard me. I’m literally alone at the moment, but strangely, I’m in a better place now than I have ever been in over 50 years.
wow I relate to you but I don't embrace lonliness. I actually think I was happier at times with the narc because I had those good DrJeckle moments. But I think I'm achieving growth soul growth this lifetime
Sharon Reese Chud, I understand. It’s not an easy journey, but you will get there. It took effort and time to arrive at this point where I find freedom and peace in solitude. The biggest turning point for me was the epiphany that the good times I kept replaying in my mind was in fact just an illusion. They were intended to serve the Narcs, not me. When I snapped out of that spell, my healing began. Hope you find your peace too! Sending you lots of love and light❤️
well, when they say "better no company that bad company... " I feel for you but I'm happy you can finally breathe, take a rest from all the toxicity. You'll come out of this :* :* :*
My situation is similar although my daughters are teenagers and are used as spies or flying monkeys. I finally took the bait and got upset with them and said a few things I regret, but I am so fed up with being used and abused and walking on eggshells. He encourages them walk all over me and when I react, he is the good guy and says ' I told you so' I literally can't do it anymore... I too grew up in a toxic environment, bullying, no boundaries, put down, and not allowed to have my own mind. It's weird how many people are in the same sort of boat. It's comforting in some ways, although you wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I had my final straw broke with my narc mother when she came to my home the day I found my best friend dead in our kitchen and she felt the need to make it all about her. She still doesn't understand why i went no contact, her pov is I'm just cruel and a bully and taking my aunt's side. On what, neither of us know. I'm sad I can't have a normal relationship with my family, but I'm also happy to be free.
Wow I'm so sorry that happened to you. I wish I didn't know exactly what you mean... But it's all too familiar. Validating you and seeing you in this! 💕
My whole life I felt I deserved this and that I was a bad person. When people you expect to love you unconditionally cut you off so easily it does a mind f..k on you and you never want to get close to anybody because you fear you will just screw up the relationship as always.
with narc families, they are only your "family" until you screw up and threaten their narrative of social perfectionism, you can never count on them to be your safety net.
I'm estranged from my narcissistic mother. I told my siblings I wanted to focus on our relationships and that how they manage this lost cause was not my problem anymore. Thankfully my siblings are quite aware of her lies and manipulation and know that I wouldn't accept any flying monkeys. So they respect that. It is really getting better. We went on siblings vacation last year, it was a brisk of air. Only us, talking about us!
Linda B B, if your going to try to keep a relationship with your siblings, boy be careful & don't trust them with too much. Because for YOU to truly be safe ALL of your siblings will have to be able to do the same with Mom or one of them could be pressured by her into revealing things to her about you & your current life. You could be thinking "Mom" isn't getting info about you when one of your siblings is giving her reports. My Mother and 1 sister are both Covert Narcissistic, and I have found out of 3 sisters only 1 doesn't report back to Mom, and lie to me about it. Look, I really want to be happy for you but in Narsissitic families these games, playing one daughter (or son) against the other, lies, secrets, deception has been going on for sooo many years the patterns are ingrained into the family members and keep going on. I wish you all the luck in the world but BE CAREFUL, AND PROTECT YOURSELF. God Bless.
@@kathleenmorrison8450 I fully agree, my brother used to report everything to my mother without telling me, but I found out. I had to cut him out as well- even though I love him and my mother knows that and found another way to hurt. But as I understand it fully : their game is over now.
Mess, too messy and finally got tired of being the scapegoat to there lies and an object of there projections. No contact even though it's so hard, the alternative would be my psychological death. Healing now.🤗
Diane, Here the same! Hope you'll heal completely and become your beautiful you. Because you are! Being the scapegoat is a mental torture inflicted by mentally sick parents. I've two brothers, but they are bad blueprinted about me too. I'm 63 yrs and its so sad I still can't reache them as my 'family'.. I hoped I could since my parents died.. I know it wont happen! They cant help it either, but its very sad to give up hope and leave them for who they are. I'm still healing too. Still searching how to cope- or not to cope with them pff.. Be strong and have a good healing journey.💥👋
Diane, I totally agree with you and your decision. I was the family scapegoat too and I came to the same conclusion and did the same. I found they kept testing my boundaries and kept trying to suck me back in but I refused. Man were they passed because they didn't want to give up their punching bag! Bottom line is they want to do whatever they want to you and they really DON'T CARE, and won't even recognise how they have harmed you. No contact is really the best because then you have time to heal.
It is just messy 🤦♀️ i just wonder what lies it would be this time for any of them and honestly i dont care anymore. I dont even try anymore mostly with my siblings. I understand, but i also know that as soon as my sister and my dad and us started having relationships. My mom came back and it was practically non existent. I was like usual; my mothers therapist and told her i wasnt comfortable anymore with that role. Especially as she just remarried my dad and was breaking a promise and going back to her ex. I totally stopped hearing from one of my sisters. And realised my mother was providing my life and even my kids, i told her to stop. She went on to say well she's got things going on. I said I don't care if she likes she can discuss with me . When setting the boundary. First thing said was well you set the boundary and thats it. I said yep. Its really that simple. I cant imagine what the story line is. Or of its accurate and dont really care. Im sitting here holding secrets. Like always.
I have been estranged from my narcissistic father for almost 20 years. I don't care what he or any other family members have to say on it. There is so much disfunction and I don't want to play. I am not conflicted in any way! It's the best thing I ever did for myself!
I don't care about narcissists and I don't care about those who listen to them. Real friends know who you really are. It's natural to love your parents and want love back but if it hurts, walk away. Soon, it begins to be a distant memory. Be around those who really love you.
I was raised by a narcissistic mother, and watching these videos about the family dynamic that I was raised in are honestly very relaxing. It's nice to hear an objective viewpoint breakdown in simple terms, what happened and what I went through, including after I went no contact. Thanks for posting this.
Thank you! I have been estranged for many years from my family. I know I had to do this for my sanity. I counted the cost with so many tears. I felt I had no other choice.
For me, I had to give up on a 50 year friendship with a woman I thought was my best friend/like a sister. As we grew older I saw more and more of her difficulties. The last straw for me was when she for the 3td time she "punished me" by cutting off contact because I had accidently said something in our phone conversation that she interpretted as critical/confrontational, which had not been my intent. Being heartbroken for days about "how can someone who is supposed to be my best friend be so judgmental and harsh on me" I started seeking info and found Dr. Ramani. I was then able to connect the dots and understand her illness. I wrote and talked to her expressing that we need to discuss what triggers these reactions from her so we can continue but, of course, have found this is more than she can handle. So, I have comfortably come to understand that I have to let go because unless she can find the strength to get help I can't go back into a relationship that is harmful to me.
Oh boy do I understand. You did the right thing and now be kind to yourself and move forward. I have done what you did with a sibling, over and over and over. I'm so embarrassed that I kept trying to make it work and nothing ever changed. Talking to a brick wall. Finally decided no more and I'm done at age 59 is when I decided this. What a very sad thing for me to do, but I need to grow in love and in peace. Wishing you happy days. Take care.
Nancy Peterson, I know exactly what you mean. I finally realized my “best friend” was a narc as she began to be constantly critical and insulting to me. She would bait and harangue me. And I had been her only intimate friend for nearly 25 years. But she finally pushed me away and I have to say I don’t miss her at this point at all. My peace of mind is more important.
Hi Nancy, Ruby & Walli - Yikes! Struggling with this issue right now with one of my best friends. One has been my BF since we were 3 yr old, the other, since 7th grade. However, one seems to randomly take texts out of context, makes an issue or will do something ridiculous at her age & needs constant cheerleading, reassurance & can't handle ANY truth. I am getting tired of this & have SO much on my plate. "She" lives off her partner, does almost nothing, etc. I am just realizing in last 6+ months the name for all the dysfunction in my siblings, my husband...all Narcs. It is hard thinking about cutting the so called 'friend' out too, but she has shown me time & again who she is. Uuugh.
I know what you mean exactly... same here with a 40year long friendship ....I connected the dots too late... that’s ok! I did do it! Maybe I will be able to do it with husband too!
At first, when you said "how can they be so judgemental and harsh", I honestly wondered if the other people was BPD. Perhaps "splitting"!! But when you said that they decided it was too hard to try to work on it and understand triggers and whatnot, I said nahhh, not bpd; cuz bpd is more likely to search for help, cuz they don't want to feel that way; they want the friendship and don't want to be abandoned. So I'm back on Team NPD with you about your description again.
Grieving the loss of my relationships with my 2 adult children due to their father being a narcissist. 😔 I feel this on such a deep level. I’m only 38 and my heart grieves daily. Feeling such a void because of this. 💔
@@xabi8011 You are so welcome. Anyone that understands this stuff has so much compassion for the true victims. It is all so very painful dealing with these types of people, but when the children are involved, it is that much intense. Love yourself, love your children and show them at any chance you can and hopefully they will see the truth some day. Take Care and remain strong. Blessings to you.
“Estrangement can also be a byproduct of control ...”. Nailed it! Except I care a lot less this time round and am deciding if I’m going to sever the ties this time for good because I can’t do this shit anymore. Everything is all good until you break some unwritten “rule” that you were supposed to somehow know would piss them off. Especially when you’ve revealed to them what it is you’re doing and they say they’re “fine with it,” “wish you well,” “understand,” blah, blah, blah. And that’s when you know you’re already screwed. It’s like the silent treatment when you’re a child In that moment when you know it’s going to be god knows how long until they speak to you again and all the things you know you’ll have to go through emotionally to be “allowed” their forgiveness. Ugh.
I cut off my parents when I left home at 22. I had no understanding of why, but my inner guide was right. I'm now 70 and still learning so much. Thank you Dr.Ramani! The Best.
Amy Garcia ahhh...you know a narcissist well, don’t you? I know a woman who ticks off all the criteria for diagnosis yet she calls herself a life coach and now has a FB page specializing in narcissism. She uses a pseudonym so no one can verify her lack of credentials. She calls herself a “super empath” because of course she couldn’t be a run of the mill empath. How dull that would be. She isn’t successful in her pursuits so I don’t worry about her causing harm on a large scale and no relationship has stuck for more than a flash in 40+ years so I don’t have to worry about an abused spouse. Her son is old enough to move out so I just pray he gets counseling and moves far away enough to get perspective and build a life on a solid foundation rather than her fantasies that never pan out or nightmares that only exist in her mind. Everyone she has a fall out with is an undiagnosed narcissist or an undiagnosed high functioning alcoholic or their personality suddenly changes within days of moving in. No one ever just drifts apart and it never is just two people not working out. She is always the victim and the other person is always a monster. I actually lived with her over twenty years ago and personally witnessed that she is nothing like her outside persona behind closed doors. We moved and paid all the the costs of moving, paying deposits and switching utilities to help her move to the same city we lived in. She met some guy, no doubt created a damsel in distress tale to tell him and had him move her out to his place just a few months later leaving us paying double what we were paying at our old place in rent until our lease was finally up. I was also stuck in a gym membership she begged me to join with her that took two years to finally cancel. I much preferred a Pilates studio that I found that year. She lied to us telling us she was leaving town to move in with her mother to help her. Nope. She was in town with her new boyfriend, turned husband who was “the one” until he became too human for her to stomach and quickly divorced him. I went no contact a few years ago and stopped looking at her social media accounts because it was maddening to see her lie and twist everything around over and over. She has the victim/hero role down pat. But if anyone want a narcissistic life coach to help them learn about narcissism I’ve got one for you.
My sisters and mom to a "T". They stonewall and if anybody asks if there's even a chance they would be willing to be civil with the family members they've gone NC with, they threaten to go no contact with that person too. Good on those who cut the chord with unhealthy people in their life but sometimes the ones who choose it are the narcissists. (Mom is actually a diagnosed narcissist by different doctors.)
One other comment about "estrangement." They always told me (those people that sat and judged me for staying away) that someday (after my parent died) I would sorely regret my choice. Oddly enough, I am 60 and it has been years since my mother's death and a couple years since my father died and I do not regret my estrangement. As a matter of fact I think I am thankful that I missed a lot of the horrible drama that went on while I wasn't there. Do I wish things could have been different? Yes. Do I wish I would have done something different? Only that I would have walked away sooner and not stayed so long and let myself be subjected to so many years of pain.
I am 47 and it's been 5 years since I had any contact with my mother. The the mere thought of restoring contact still causes a physical reaction and my only regret so far is also that contact was not severed sooner. Not having to strive/pretend to be the daughter she wants, and never quite succeeding, just to maintain a one sided relationship with her out of guilt has been absolutely amazing. Still healing and working on forgiving her and myself but certainly don't think I will feel any regret once she has passed. Honestly, I think it would be a relief. Those people who sit and judge me for staying away will have to find something new to judge me for.
The biggest narcissist I have to contend with is my mother. I just dont expect anything anymore and keep my distance. The damage between family members has already been done and it's sad. Buy again, I expect nothing emotionally. I still get sad about it though.
Same here the damage done. None of the kids have a relationship with each. The fighting over the little crumbs of love that was there. Has caused such a rip in our relationships. Sad. Yet karma is real. 🙃
My daughter and I are happy sort of about not talking to my mum as well, but it is sad. We shouldn't have to do that. My youngest hasn't experienced what my mother has done and the damage is unbelievable. Stephanie and I are learning to like each other again and to just be ourselves.
This is a window into so many families, I realize as I read the comments ! It was ingrained in me that something was wrong with me and i just couldnt get it right , so I "quit" my role in my family two years ago and was cut off. What a relief. No more guessing what I need to do to "measure up." Thank you for talking about this. I am over 50 years old and now my life begins !!
I hope you find the strength within yourself and I'm sorry for you and me and everyone has to experience these terrible things but we have to be strong.
I know perfectly this desire, so badly, to have a safe place, rooting in the good earth, to grow healthy and secure. DR. Ramani is our Mother, she is helping us so much that i will be who i am only for her mission!
I'm happily estranged from BOTH my narcissistic parents who caused me much mental illness over my 40 years before I learned how to cut their cancerous presence out of my life!
Im the scapegoat, and I'm estranged from my entire family. I don't know why my siblings and I can't have communication, because they do with each other, but I believe it's due to all the triangulation and lies my narc mom orchestrated. She's terminally ill now and I'm now taking care of her. She's lost a lot of the fuel she once had and has humbled a bit having no power or control in this situation (being under my roof, I'm paying bills, nobody will take care of her etc), but I'll tell you, the narcissism doesn't go away, even when faced with impending death. I've accepted that I'll never have a family, but it doesn't hurt any less than it ever has. I feel like I'm just waiting for her to die so I can finally be free and have a clean slate. It's been such a huge challenge to my Christianity to continue to take care of someone who acts so defiantly evil toward any attempts to share the light of Christ, kindness, compassion, etc. Please pray for me. These kinds of people make it impossible.
Great episode for me, personally. This has been my world. Smear campaigns, all of it. Bingo. Estrangement and no contact (finally set by NM) is actually a relief, probably for us both. It is sad, but it is what it is. It’s better than extreme toxicity and insanity that will never go away. The Narcissist does not get better. They get worse with age. Not saying I’m perfect. I’m easily triggered and provoked into rage by NM’s word salad circular arguments, lies, manipulations, childish snits and tantrums (let alone the build up of lifelong unconscious resentments), thereby proving her claims against me. I’m happier no contact. I think she is, too, to the extent that she can be satisfied with anything. I hope so anyway. I’m not ashamed of estrangement but it’s sad. I have been through pain, guilt, rage, grief. Now, I try to live by the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for these intelligent, compassionate videos. I know they are helping so many people. I hope you are well and managing ok in this quarantine time. 💕
Very honest of you. I too would get totally enraged by their tactics, my bad, got to go, out of here, not coming back, see ya. They will make you crazy over and over again. I had to go no contact. I couldn't live like that.
Wow that is rare for GC to be replaced by SG. But soon SG will be discarded and you may be recruited again. I've seen that in my family. NArc always keeps you on their roster, IF you allow it.
When my sisters and I were young the three of us who weren’t “Golden.” Dad would openly say my sister was the perfect woman. He’d walk right past our rooms to say goodnight to her. It seemed she wore the ultimate crown. Perfect. Later, when dad bought her a plane ticket up come home from college without even checking with her, she finally overcame her perfectionist label and literally told him to fuck off. I think it was the love of a normal man that gave her the strength to set a boundary on dad’s ass! He was the one who told me how our dad triangulated. And being Golden isn’t actually supportive because he made us hate her, and she had to constantly fit dad’s mold. It’s abuse to favor a child.
@@SheCanSmile Actually it's not as rare as it looks. You know how it's like. All about the supply. I had a best friend who suffered the same. At that time ,when she told me I admit I wasn't that supportive as I should or could've been. I thought she was simply overreacting and that maybe her mom needed some space. Turns out two years later ,I'm in that exact same boat as her. I have since forgiven myself & asked her for forgiveness too.
This entirely describes what has happened in my life. It's made me a bit sad, but I'm also relieved of a huge burden. Thank you Dr. Ramani and everyone else commenting on these videos
Estrangement is the BEST DECISION I ever made in regard to my toxic, narcissistic Mother. Two years no contact now and my life is far better. Just a few days ago one of my Brothers called to say she has breast cancer. I feel for her as a woman and a human being but there is NO going back. I have a lot of emotions about it though sadness and rage for example.
So many mind-blown moments with this video... thank you for providing clarity for me concerning my family dynamics & helping me realize that I am not crazy or alone. 🙏🏽
Weaponized estrangement devastated our family for two decades. I used to only see the losses and pain, but now it seems the universe was protecting me. Love and light to all who are suffering from this toxicity.
Make a vow never to estrange yourself but to estrange yourself from abusive manipulative unwilling immovable impossible people. It'll feel like Hell in the beginning. You'll even feel like everyone's a narcissist for a while. But the more you work a daily discipline for your recovery, the more you regulate ur emotions. Your clarity returns. You no longer allow anyone to make you their black sheep. You gain a strong sense of self amd boundaries. And life finally opens up bc ur living your authentic self and finding happiness, accepting life has downfalls, and ur living a realistic way of life. Thanks for this incredible series Dr Ramani. So helpful.
"If you come from a family..." ""Yes, I come from a family." "...with Narcisistic dynamics." "Oh!" (really, though, I love your work. You hit it out of the park almost every time. Thank you so much.)
Golly, you are so right, in everything you point at. How did i survive all those mistreatments ? I don’t know. What I do know is that more and more of my issues in my life, in my behaviors with people, in what happened to me, in my failures, in my unsuccessful tries in many directions, tried professions, even psychological AND physical health, are explained very accurately in your videos, Dr. Ramani. Today, with that one, my ancient deep psychological and physical pains (and still today’s one) have a face, literally. It hurts. It makes me cry. But I’ve got tools now. I’m 49. I learned a lot. And every single day I learn more. And I’m more and more efficient in my today’s life. And happy. Yes. Thanks for your channel. I’ve already written that, but you’re a blessing. Thank you, from the deep of my heart. 🥹. With love, from Paris, France. 😄
My husband and I just became estranged from his son, 18. It was hard. I am more emotional about it than my husband. My husband saw the manipulation so much sooner and I was often my step sons target for manipulation. These videos and others have helped me realize it is the best thing for our family. We both feel much lighter with him gone and he hasn't tried to contact us....except one time for money.
@@samanthamartellaro6877 I wish you all the best. I am about to do the same with my 22yo son. I am a widow since he was 6, but the pain of the verbal insults have made me snap. It took me a while to accept the fact that I may never see him again, but I feel freed already. I find myself packing boxes in a cheerful manner.
I learned never stay in the same house as them, never carpool with them. It seems all they want is to have you captive for a stretch of time. If you don’t give them that captive audience, just allowing them meetings in public, they won’t try to berate or vilify me. You literally describe my family in the first five minutes of every video. It is mind blowing and finally the confusion is answered. So thank you so very much.
'Sibling estrangement', 'gaslighting', 'flying monkeys', crazy-making', ...'other family members believing the lead narcissist',' ongoing scapegoating',etc...All of this is what I have grown up with my whole life in a family that 'looked like the perfect family'. I moved away almost 4 decades ago, and yet am still 'estranged'. I spoke up about the existence of major family dysfunction and sexual abuse and have been scorned, attacked, shunned and lied about ever since. I learned 'the hard way' that these dynamics will never change. It is not easy to accept these things, but if you grew up similarly, it is VITAL that you accept that your family is sick with this destructive mental virus and there is no vaccine. We must inform ourselves and continue to heal ourselves and in my case, have no contact with, or extremely limited contact, with the narcissist as well as the others who have 'bought into' his narcissistic abuse. Painful stuff to recover from, but we must walk away from these people or will become like them.
You hit the nail right on the head! Yes there is a lot of grief And yes it’s a hard pill to swallow when that one sibling wants to replace you and turn every one against you even though I took it hard at first but like you said she did me a favor by eliminating me from her life. I needed to set those boundaries a long time ago and she did it for me. I can now see it from the eyes of gratitude 🙏🏻
My sister (middle/invisible child) and I got into a shouting match at my mom's after Thanksgiving and I haven't spoken to my either my mom or sisters in the past 8 years. I have always been the family scapegoat and this was the time that I took a stand and just wouldn't allow to be bullied any longer, and it cost me a relationship with my family. Its taken me nearly this entire time to come to terms with the estrangement and see that it has mostly benefitted me. Four years ago I attempted to make amends and put it behind me, but my mom thought it would be better to leave me in the past then move past. My eldest sister (golden child) recently reached out to me a few weeks ago, and I've been toying with the idea of reconnecting, but I now realize that it would only put me back into the cycle of being the family scapegoat, and that I'm better off on my own.
I am the Black Sheep of my “family” which I refer to the entire group as “those people”!! I have always clearly defined those people as my “relatives”!! Both of my biological donors are narcissistic! I would never call them my parents! I am the definition of no-contact estrangement! After 30 years, they still can’t grasp that there is something wrong 🤷🏾♀️
Same. I went “no contact” before the term existed. Have never regretted that with fam of origin. Ended up in two other types of narcissistic relationships and the latest is the longest with Narc fam members who use money to control, and exploit every weakness. I have children now though and my career has effectively been destroyed (their ignorance about it still has them asking why). Being stuck in a third system (who knew there were so many systems?) the others were overt. This one is covert. Yikes. I’ve learned, I’ve grown, but it’s cost me so much. I am doing everything I can to protect my children, and I’ve turned to writing and therapy. They help for now. Freedom will come someday, and the cost of that will be enormous but worth it.
I was gaslighted as "golden child" given slightly more material things by my parents. (they were overcompensating because they knew they they loved my sisters, and just tolerated me.) Yet I never felt seen, heard and loved. I observed my parents treating my sibings with much more patience, compassion and affection than I received. My parents constantly scrutinized, berated and belittled me verbally, and my father frequently hit me, and pulled my hair. Now that my parents are dead, I always have an impulse to distance myself from my sisters because they learned from my parents to disrespect and devalue me.
Mine was the opposite I was gaslighted and scapegoated by my mother and entire family all the way up until the day she died...I have no family thanks to her...she even smeared me with my kid's...to the point they won't talk to me, they two also abused me and continue the abuse using my grandkids as the weapon to punish me to the point that I will never feel the joy of being a grandparent...
I was treated the same way by both my parents mostly my mom the ring leader only I was the scapegoat...both my parents are dead too...my family don't care if I exist...I have no family and true friends so I am finding out...
@@deannahudson6873 this is terrible. my dad and stepmom have done this to me also and i am trying to figure out if the small family on my mom side are doing the same thing.
Thank you for sharing this information today. I have just subscribed to your channel, having heard what you said about estrangement. I have one child and I have been estranged from her (her choice) for 13 years. My heart has gone through many stages of grief. However, in the last year since the passing of my narcissistic mother, I now feel being estranged from my daughter is best for me. I have come to the place where I have finally accepted the situation. I feel I have to in order to be at peace with myself. I am still very sad and on a waiting list to see a psychologist; everyone is so busy. Your words were very helpful to me today. Again, thank you.
Your words made .e cry but at the same time gave me a little peace. I've been estranged from my narcissistic daughter (her choice)for about 5 months and it has seemed an eternity. I can't imagine 13 yrs.! I miss my daughter with all her flaws, but I miss more her son. She is a single mother and I worry sick the negative effect his mother is producing in him. She has isolated him from every one. He's only 9. I fear for his mental stability. She is in the high spectrum of narcissism. I discovered this channel a couple of months the ago and this is the first time I dare to write a comment. Thank you for sharing . God bless
Thank you so much for the "estrangement" topic, I recently cut off ties with my narcissistic parent when I moved to my college because I knew it was the only healthy option. And my fiancee doesnt quite understand when I say, "nothing is going to change". I try to explain that it's not from a place of hate or trying to erase the past but to grow from it. I still love that parent, but I love me too and I was just done sacrificing myself for my narcissistic parent's sake or even mine just to avoid causing negativity. But even with this, I'm worried about my 2 younger siblings back home because I was their protective barrier.
Kathryn M I know how you feel. But you never signed up to protect them. It’s not your job and no one is holding you accountable for that. Set an example for them that’s the best thing you can do 🙏
Knowledge is power. This post really hits home. I was stuck in hope, I was afraid of not being seen as nice, kind, and loving. Your teaching post has saved our lives. You introduced us to correct learning skills and how to let go of guilt and shame with understanding, grace, and dignity.
Wow... I just realized that when considering a partner, one has to consider whether or not they have narcissist family members and how involved they are...
Thank you, Dr Ramani. I estranged myself. I needed, need, and will always need that kind of distance. My estrangement is survival. It is life affirming.
I moved to the other side of the world from my family. I have been healing since I left and I am a much happier person. I only contact them through text every now and then.
This is so important and thank you. I've been on this journey of alienation for 6 months now. My son is 15 and use to have him half time as a co-parent. This pain has been unimaginable as you explain. Been trying to focus on self love to keep the horrible thoughts and emotions at bay to get through my waiting period. I want to share with all of you one thing that has helped me immensely, hour by hour. When I have feelings of fear and loss, and gravitate towards behavior that is in not healthy for me, I start to intensely focus on that love that is so strong in my heart I have for my son. This is the strongest and purest love we will ever know. I ask myself, "do I want my son to be thinking these thoughts? "Would I want my son to be leaning on unhealthy behaviors that lead to self abuse?" Tap into the love you have sown and turn this to yourself. This is like a battery that has unlimited power. This helps me all day long and strengthens my love for my son as well as myself. I believe learning self love is the most powerful tool we can use for healing. I hope you all try this, It has helped so much.
Others being judgemental and making invalidating comments can be very emotionally hurtful, as well as diminishing you in the eyes of others. It can be very hard to navigate, especially when still trying to deal with the emotional damage and trying to establish yourself in the world as a good and successful person. I would like to see more advice and help for people who want to be seen as a good and healthy person. It's unfortunate that estrangement gets judged as worse than people putting up with incredibly problematic family dramas!
Dr Ramani: Can you talk about a narcissist sibling baiting others to create an atmosphere of conflict and reaction (while the gas lighting narc denies any role in instigating conflict). Also can you talk about competition for attention when neglectful parents play favorites? My sister is a massive narcissist and believes that our relationship and the attention that she desperately needs is a Zero/ Sum Game.... even to this day, as adults. Parents! i've seen first hand from my narcissistic sister that Neglect at a young age, parents playing favorites and a lack of fair Justice in the home between sibling conflicts is one of the the source codes of Narcissism. Children desire your attention and approval more than anything, and yet still need to be fairly held accountable for their actions in order to understand right & wrong and boundaries. Your page is a wake up call Dr Ramani. Thank you for your wisdom.
You just narrated my life. My mom played favorites and appeared to prefer me to an older sibling, so my sibling was jealous and took out her frustration on me. I had plenty of times asked for justice and interference from mom, but she couldn't care less. My sibling was unable to see our mom neglected us both. The result was my sibling became a narcissist of epic proportions and I went NC with her.
@@xrc7445 same. Same. Its heartbreaking. Nothing I do or say to my sis can change the fact that my existence alone is a threat to her ego. Ive tried for years to prove I am genuine, given her millions of chances and in the end going NC is what she wants and the only solution for me as well. Its not my responsibility to become her sole supply slave bc I was favorited as a kid.
I grew up with a controlling narcassistic father. I had never heard of estrangement before. However, now that my parents have past, the remaining siblings are very distant and estranged. It's a real shame, because we have just lost touch of each other. I had no idea that this was a byproduct of our family structure, & often wondered why it occurred. Thank you for this series!
I am so grateful you exist and make all of these videos for us!I have started watching them about a year ago. It has changed my life so much. I still cry on each one I watch and literally breaks me but it also saves me in the same time. I haven’t realised how deep I buried it all inside of me. Thank you!
Dark triad parent. Total severing of family of the dark triad parent family side and my siblings. 100% severing of any relationship. Years now. I had to just to survive, thriving is still elusive. My desperate need to survive or death of my spirit. My life has gotten, my heart, my coping are improving. Therapy. Set to have the gagilion shot for ptsd/c-ptsd. Linging for remission of life long symptoms. Leave, stop being agreeable. If Freezing is your response perhaps its time you find your respect and self love and seek help , i.e. therapy.
Your last point reminds me of the last time I saw my mom, for the first time ever she'd said sorry, and I got happy at first, until I realized what she was really trying to do was reel me back in talking about my grandmother... I'm happy I saw what she was really trying to do. I've even gone as far as slowly estranging my sisters too, they basically brushed off my experiences, 'oh we went through that with mom too', and they always ask when I'm gonna talk to her again. I really do love them, but they do nothing but defend her, telling me I should forgive her, when all I've done is forgive her only for the cycle to start all over again. I can't lie, it gets hella lonely sometimes, and this sounds sad but it's nothing new, the only difference is that I'm happier, and finally started gravitating nice people in my life, I'm happy I held on for so long, and I'm happy I feel in control of my life now!
This is spot on with my Grandmother, Aunt & Uncle. I'll spare the details, but suffice it to say they were cruel. This video is spot on. (Right down to my being told to "Be the bigger person," a common exhortation. When I was about 10, I asked why I always had to be the bigger person when adults behaved childishly. I hot in trouble for that!) Thank you for your videos. In the last year, they've helped me more than decades of searching for answers from the medical community. "Knowledge is power." Thank you for empowering me.
You described my "family" perfectly. The narc parents really have a way of engineering chaos. The proof is in the estrangement of 3 siblings. It all strikes me as so unnecessary, ya know? Like...how can you not love, even despise your own children? I've been guilted for being gay -- shamed, humiliated, oh what an issue it was-- and not giving them grandchildren. Lemme tell you. Children, one day or not (imagine the babies being born now, how *this* is their normal?), I wouldn't let them near them. I have to continuously remind myself all the low contact stuff you talk about it while unhooking myself. Thank you as always for all you do, Dr. Ramani
Omg!! Once again, this is my life. I had a child out of wedlock at 20yrs. Old. I was a disgrace to the family!! Then I met the love of my life and we took my daughter and moved 20 mins. From my parents. Boy were they pissed. Stopped talking to me when I got married and pregnant again. They couldn't believe that I was having another child when I couldn't take care of the one I had!" Word for word from my mother. I stopped talking to my parents and my sister because she sure as hell didn't help matters since she was the golden child. I was 34 btw!! They conned me back years later and 2 years ago I did something that my mother apparently didn't like and cut us off! I had to say good riddance and I'm done. I am so much happier and healthier now. Thank you for opening my eyes to see that it wasn't me. ❣
Wow! I know this pain. (Varying situations) Adult Children of Alcoholics. Al-anon, Co-da etc, help me, to heal from the Generational Family Traumas. Light is there, Serenity & Joy. Y A N A - U r not alone. TY!! 😁
I love you. Thank you so much for putting into words what I have been dealing with for a very long time and didn't know what was going on. I'm divorcing my narc wife. With the court house shut down it's taking a longer time than I wish. I don't always liked being alone. I am learning that being alone isn't as bad as wishing you were.
I went so far as to tell my second husband's family that my family was dead so that they wouldn't think I was problematic! Eventually, (and it wasn't actually very long) I ended up telling them the truth that I had no contact with my family because of betrayal and abuse. One note on choosing to stay away... Just be aware that when you do this you will be spoken about as the abuser, as they will have to act like victims and suggest that they have no idea why you would turn on your family. Years ago my disordered husband weaponized my narcissistic family against me as he abandoned and divorced me. After years of abuse and betrayal my family started telling everyone that they have no idea why I wouldn't talk to any of them. It was horrible and surreal. Unfortunately, this is also terrible for kids and there are a lot of innocent people caught up in the mess and have no idea what is going on.
I walked away from my narcissist mother 4 years ago. Since then I have learned how much damage she has done and for so long. I have new friends, a job where I am appreciated, and friends who are positive and uplifting. Never again will I allow anyone to tell me I'm not enough. Get away while you can!
What a wonderful video. You covered every possible scenario. My mother and I always had a conflicted relationship because she never wanted children, but my father did. For him, children was his reason for marriage, and her reason for marriage was his paycheck. When I was 9, my sister was born because I was getting too old to be her reason for not working and because my father wanted another child. When I was 11, my brother was born purely by accident, but they were thrilled to have a boy. So we all grew up, me much older, school, dating, college, marriage, children, career. My sister married, hated having a child, having a job, and became my mother’s caretaker after my father died. My mother and I were estranged and my sister began to distance. So much so that when my mother died, I didn’t know until two months later when I found her obituary on line while doing genealogy. Long story short, I had been specifically written out of the will and my siblings split the million dollars two ways instead of three. Luckily, I did not expect to get anything and I had made my own living and retirement. My children were cut out too, and that does make me sad, but they make their own way too. We are close and I have told them they had better stay close after I die or I’m coming back to haunt them! 🤣😂🤣 Life would only be turmoil and chaos if my sibs were in it, so I wish them well in their endeavors. 👋🏼
I’m estranged from nearly everyone on my mother’s side of the family. NC for over two year. But for a long time my relationship with them was what you described in the beginning. Very very limited communication. It occurred to me as I watched this that as I was pulling away from my family it was always toxic people making excuses for other toxic people, tying to drawn me in. When I went NC I sat down and gave a heads up to the only two people I planned to continue having a relationship with ( a sibling and a cousin). Thinking about it now they never asked me any questions about why or tried to talk me out of it. They understood the unhealthy dynamics without me having to explain it. They’d been watching it their whole lives.
I went no contact with my family and I feel 100% fine with it
Went no contact as well.
Good for you
I went no contact when I was 18 and I feel great about it as well but I have noticed that throughout my life, even some 20 years later, a lot of people think poorly of me when they learn I don't have contact with my family. Like, new people assume my family is fine and I'm the issue. I mourned the loss of my family long ago but I still don't have a skill set for this constant questioning of why I have no family in my life.
IZzy Bizzy Just own it. If people can’t understand tell them it’s painful and complicated. Then they’ll back off. No one should judge you and don’t judge yourself. I get it. Same for me.
I finally did too!! It took me EIGHTEEN YEARS!! I'm happy WITH you!!
Estrangement saved me! My mental health is much more important than a toxic relationship with my family. I gave so much and got nothing!
I agree. Im heading in that direcrion myself.
L.Lakes yes.
Hi L.Lakes, My answer was very short, but I accidentally pressed sent after 'yes' .. 😁But I really sympathize with you, because as a scapegoat you never do well, no matter what you do and how much you give and have to deliver, even its all and your own hart! My siblings are also injected with msllisious poison about me.. They also have that evil narc blue print about the "badness" of me! Narc parents leave a trail of destruction. I still consider changing my strategy even after 63 years and knowing getting anything back. It hurts to leave my brothers too! But its maybe a pitfall too for being responsible for thém and always everything. Maybe it should stop now .. but I also see how they have been abused by this impossible person, who dared to call herself "mother"! But I understand very well that you distance yourself, because everyone in the family is deeply damaged somewhere. And the question is whether you should invest in it longer, knowing that you'll get nothing in return .. Really really NOTHING! Thats my yes..you'r absolutely right.
Your personality type is super empath, which is not a bad thing, but you are a magnets for narcissists. Watch videos on super empaths. It will teach you how to deal with toxic people. Sending positivity to you ☀️
@@thereal4113 I'm not sure if this is a message to me...but I attract npd types over and over .. It is incredible how I keep kicking in these nbd types, but always have to skip them very anxiously afterwoods from my life too! Its super exhausting! I learn a lot about npd now... but not yet about super emphatic persons. I really like to learn and..... fight too!! Thank you for your vision and response! Your suggestion helps for me anyway bc I want to understand everything!! And above ALL I want to grow to be able to stay in a loving, learned way, as a wise mother for my doughters! Never to old to learn if love runs life!
😊💖💪💥👋
My mother has A LOT of money in the millions! She has controlled me with it hanging an inheritance over my head. My mental health was more important to me than having money. I have learned by watching her that money will not bring you happiness! I would much rather have mental health and peace in my life than money. I am a beautiful grey rock.
Wendy Adamson I love rocks.
Same! Going through this now with my mom
Preach
Hey, I'm a beautiful grey rock too!
Ha ha - I am also a beautiful grey rock. Actually, this makes me appreciate grey rocks more.
Narcissism is not an illness. It is a personality. Most people don't look at it that way.
The narc never offers resolution or closure.
They will close it instantly if it's in their favour, but your the goose that lays the golden eggs so they won't let you go.
Narcs don't want closure because this stops the supply.
They want the drama to continue and they want to keep you confused.
Pegasus 514 very true!
Pegasus 514 thank you all of a sudden, what you said, makes a lot of sense! that eases my confusion right there.
@@littleiodine9480 Pegasus Bingo !!!
one thing you said sparked in me...when I am not around my narcissistic family members that horrible knot in my stomach is absent...I have to remind myself that feeling peace without them isn't a bad thing or something I should feel guilty for. Thanks for the video
my body was so fed up with visiting my parents that now, every time I do (and it's never more than twice a year) I got blinding headaches that end only the day after I leave their house
You are not alone. I always felt so uncomfortable around my family. Now I am at peace.
I know exactly what you mean. I ended my relationship with my narc mom and her flying monkey husband 7 years ago because I felt nothing but intense anxiety and heart palpitations in their presence. Our bodies always know, even if we try to convince ourselves that “this is just how they are”.
Tracy P h god only a narc can cause that Tummy issue
Pain free on SO many levels 💐
I literally feel like she is talking directly to me about my life. Wow.
Lisa Ditto!
Double dito here
Every damned day..
Same.
Wow yes having the same here
Same
Nobody has ever validated me like this before. Thank you 😊
Hey Jules FitMinute Me also. I follow Dr. Ramani because i have BPD and a narcsissistic mother, father, stepmonster ( REALLY BAD ) and half the extended family. Unfortunatly narcs are everywhere these days with so much selfish behavior but i wanted to agree.Thank You for validating what i knew all along.
Sounds a lot like me. I grew up in a narcissistic household, and once I realized how bad it was I felt like I had no choice but to cut them off. If I didn't do that I would probably be dead. I wanna live.
I felt suicidal, I told myself it was either I remain with them and die( I already felt numb and dead inside) or I cut them off and have myself. I chose myself.
@@kiv_danielsI got close to exiting twice in the last decade. I underestimated the damage it was doing to my psyche and mental health always believing my mental illness which my first onset was at age 9 just came to believe I had some inherited biological disease. But now that I know about how malignant both my parents are I am remembering how the abuse affected me and those early years that set the stage for my mental breakdown was directly caused by them. My mother managed to get my one and only precious son to devalue and discard me. This is her ultimate revenge and I know already from previous experiences that she’s hoping that this will do me in for good. As painful and heart shattering this had been I’m going to survive this and I won’t let it kill me.
My answer to that : I could not choose my family. I put myself my life first. If someone openly judge me or insult me over cutting my family off. I cut that person off too. Stand in your truth people!☺
@Sheila Mchgee wow. I spend years on studying the subject very very deep. Spent years on my own building myself. Don't you get me wrong I do get down, get scared etc. Stubbornly refuse to need the wrong people. I'm my biggest cheerleader.
@Sheila Mchgee I love to give hope. I tell the people I know see I'm your walking talking example. Yes we can! Takes a lot of work , but it worth it.you doing it for yourself. Everything is better than being with people whom don't reciprocate. All the best to you!
Andrea Magyar 100%. Not everyone will understand & it doesn’t matter- your quality of life and health matters more than pleasing people. People who judge you for cutting off abusive people are probably abusive themselves.
@@crayonofdarkness215 I've just got so sick of it all. It is OK to live life how it suits me. You are right if not abusive them self's, in denial. Waste of breath and time.
Most people do not understand what growing up with very dysfunctional parents is like. On top of this there is societal conditioning that children "should" honour and love their parents. It is all part of the trap that keeps a child on the hook. It happened to me. As I look back I wish I had gotten away much sooner.
The hardest thing to accept about Narcs is that they don't change. That knowledge has shocked me but it's necessary to let go of the hope that they will.
I am so glad I found you Dr. Ramani. I went no contact from my covert Narcissistic Mom in February 2020. I am the scapegoat and since childhood I have endured so much stress and turmoil as a result her of her presence in my life. This time she was attempting to hurt me through my 7yr old daughter. When I stood up for myself and called out her toxic behavior, it challened her "control" over me and she lashed out. No one around me understands narcissism and I'm continuously made to feel like I'm overreacting and should always bend to her will because she my mother. They are not the ones crying or in mental anguish from her abuse though, I AM!
Please understand that toxic is toxic and abuse is abuse regardless of who inflicts it. No one is owed a place in your life including family. Don't continue to subject yourself to damage out of obligation because it's your parent. Know that you have a choice and sometimes a narcissistic parent needs to be removed from your life in order for you to fully heal and move forward.
..."toxic is toxic and abuse is abuse regardless of who inflicts it... and the rest of that paragraph could not be said better, so true Nichole. I too cut off narc parents and it really irks me when people try to guilt you or make you feel awkward because it's your family. Best wishes in your healing journey.
@@lindsayvega1078 Lindsay Vega Thank you and may you have many triumphs on your journey as well.
"No one is owed a place in your life..."
Love that! ❤️
Thank you!
people telling you, "but she's your mother" is actually abuse also
@Nichole Renee, stay strong. Back before the internet we faced these issues ALL ALONE. Now we have the info we need to know that we are not alone and we should not feel guilty for removing abuse from our lives. You will overcome this, and your daughter will understand someday.
Estrangement is a way of life in some families
In mine, it's the only way 🤗
Not mine luckily. We always try to work things out and that helps when you realize we're all on different levels of self awareness.
I had no idea i was married to a narcissist for 20 years before I realized it. I stayed for an additional 7 years "for the sake of the kids" Big mistake. My advice RUN don't walk asap.
Yes but HOW?????
The kids needed you. You did the right thing.
I just saw the man behind the curtain after being married to him for almost 20 years. How did I not see it before. I'm still in shock...I've been fooling myself for such a long time.
Now that I've seen it, I can't un see it...Wow!
@Moth’s Mummy Looking back. I should have went to a shelter, my youngest was 3 years old.
@@evangeliakaratza-styliara4413 It is hard if there are children involved. Try to network and find a narc advocate in your area. The courts don't recognize narcs
Oh I know about estrangement!! The key for me is having self love! I have learned to self parent and unconditionally love myself to shield myself from my very narcissistic mother! She no longer has any power over me.
Please continue creating content that dissects narcisstic family dynamics. This is exactly what I'm living and trying to heal from.
Lindsay Vega, you don't deserve to be with a narcissist 😈!
!We all are¡
That's her full-time profession. I doubt she'll retire anytime soon.
Dr. Ramani, you said it all. When I finally went no contact I realized. "It is all about control." I have always been free. I AM FREE.
YES
Mine answered me "we NEVER WANTED TO CONTROL YOU YOU RAT YOU'RE A RAT" Ah yes sounds like w level headed non narcissist
I'd rather be a alone sometimes than be around people that don't bring me happy feelings.
Exactly. I’ve learned not to feel guilty about doing what’s best for my mental health. Thanks Doc.💜✨🧘🏾♀️
Me too.
I admire her candid personality. She doesn't mind that her grey roots are showing. She doesn't wear the typical professional attire. But she carries herself in a professional manner.
She's an awesome teacher.
her genuinity shines
Dr Ramani is authentic, dedicated and genuine, and hardworking with knowledge. When you have built yourself up in this way, it shows. I have never ever ever had role models, I do not believe in that. But at 40yo I discovered what I would first time in my life call a role model for me, Dr Ramani. She follows after Jesus for me, as my teacher.
This one made me cry. In a good way. Thank you.
I was raised in a dysfunctional family with narcissistic dynamics. I was stretched in all directions to pander to their games. My parents were overbearing, emotionally detached and controlled everything. I was not allowed to make any decisions, including marriage. They manipulated me into getting married into an equally dysfunctional family and I ended up with a narcissistic husband, who figured out I was the family scapegoat. When I was subjected to his abuses, my parents turned a deaf ear and a blind eye. I was trapped in this nightmarish saga and there was no respite. Eventually, I cut everyone from my family off. Have been estranged from them for over 10 years. My Narc husband took advantage of my self imposed isolation and orchestrated my character assassination through smear campaigning and estranged me from everyone in his family. He managed to brainwash our adult daughter too. And proceeded to discard me. I’m literally alone at the moment, but strangely, I’m in a better place now than I have ever been in over 50 years.
wow I relate to you but I don't embrace lonliness. I actually think I was happier at times with the narc because I had those good DrJeckle moments. But I think I'm achieving growth soul growth this lifetime
Sharon Reese Chud, I understand. It’s not an easy journey, but you will get there. It took effort and time to arrive at this point where I find freedom and peace in solitude. The biggest turning point for me was the epiphany that the good times I kept replaying in my mind was in fact just an illusion. They were intended to serve the Narcs, not me. When I snapped out of that spell, my healing began. Hope you find your peace too! Sending you lots of love and light❤️
well, when they say "better no company that bad company... " I feel for you but I'm happy you can finally breathe, take a rest from all the toxicity. You'll come out of this :* :* :*
My situation is similar although my daughters are teenagers and are used as spies or flying monkeys. I finally took the bait and got upset with them and said a few things I regret, but I am so fed up with being used and abused and walking on eggshells. He encourages them walk all over me and when I react, he is the good guy and says ' I told you so'
I literally can't do it anymore...
I too grew up in a toxic environment, bullying, no boundaries, put down, and not allowed to have my own mind. It's weird how many people are in the same sort of boat. It's comforting in some ways, although you wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Was this an arranged marriage?
I had my final straw broke with my narc mother when she came to my home the day I found my best friend dead in our kitchen and she felt the need to make it all about her. She still doesn't understand why i went no contact, her pov is I'm just cruel and a bully and taking my aunt's side. On what, neither of us know. I'm sad I can't have a normal relationship with my family, but I'm also happy to be free.
I’m so so sorry about your friend
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 thank you for your condolences
sadly some events in our lives acts as catalysts to cut all ties with narc family members
Wow I'm so sorry that happened to you. I wish I didn't know exactly what you mean... But it's all too familiar. Validating you and seeing you in this! 💕
My whole life I felt I deserved this and that I was a bad person. When people you expect to love you unconditionally cut you off so easily it does a mind f..k on you and you never want to get close to anybody because you fear you will just screw up the relationship as always.
with narc families, they are only your "family" until you screw up and threaten their narrative of social perfectionism, you can never count on them to be your safety net.
I'm estranged from my narcissistic mother. I told my siblings I wanted to focus on our relationships and that how they manage this lost cause was not my problem anymore.
Thankfully my siblings are quite aware of her lies and manipulation and know that I wouldn't accept any flying monkeys. So they respect that. It is really getting better. We went on siblings vacation last year, it was a brisk of air. Only us, talking about us!
That’s wonderful! Hope you had a blast ❤️
@@MrMandy789 Thank you! I had.
That’s great and being transparent I think as Dr Ramani suggested prevents misunderstandings
Linda B B, if your going to try to keep a relationship with your siblings, boy be careful & don't trust them with too much. Because for YOU to truly be safe ALL of your siblings will have to be able to do the same with Mom or one of them could be pressured by her into revealing things to her about you & your current life. You could be thinking "Mom" isn't getting info about you when one of your siblings is giving her reports. My Mother and 1 sister are both Covert Narcissistic, and I have found out of 3 sisters only 1 doesn't report back to Mom, and lie to me about it. Look, I really want to be happy for you but in Narsissitic families these games, playing one daughter (or son) against the other, lies, secrets, deception has been going on for sooo many years the patterns are ingrained into the family members and keep going on. I wish you all the luck in the world but BE CAREFUL, AND PROTECT YOURSELF. God Bless.
@@kathleenmorrison8450 I fully agree, my brother used to report everything to my mother without telling me, but I found out. I had to cut him out as well- even though I love him and my mother knows that and found another way to hurt. But as I understand it fully : their game is over now.
Estrangement equals peace. Nothing is more valuable than peace.
Love your dedication to this community and your abundance of knowledge! Thank you!! 😊 🙏
Mess, too messy and finally got tired of being the scapegoat to there lies and an object of there projections. No contact even though it's so hard, the alternative would be my psychological death. Healing now.🤗
HEAL HEAL HEAL!
Diane, Here the same! Hope you'll heal completely and become your beautiful you. Because you are!
Being the scapegoat is a mental torture inflicted by mentally sick parents. I've two brothers, but they are bad blueprinted about me too. I'm 63 yrs and its so sad I still can't reache them as my 'family'.. I hoped I could since my parents died.. I know it wont happen! They cant help it either, but its very sad to give up hope and leave them for who they are. I'm still healing too.
Still searching how to cope- or not to cope with them pff..
Be strong and have a good healing journey.💥👋
Diane, I totally agree with you and your decision. I was the family scapegoat too and I came to the same conclusion and did the same. I found they kept testing my boundaries and kept trying to suck me back in but I refused. Man were they passed because they didn't want to give up their punching bag! Bottom line is they want to do whatever they want to you and they really DON'T CARE, and won't even recognise how they have harmed you. No contact is really the best because then you have time to heal.
It is just messy 🤦♀️ i just wonder what lies it would be this time for any of them and honestly i dont care anymore.
I dont even try anymore mostly with my siblings. I understand, but i also know that as soon as my sister and my dad and us started having relationships. My mom came back and it was practically non existent.
I was like usual; my mothers therapist and told her i wasnt comfortable anymore with that role. Especially as she just remarried my dad and was breaking a promise and going back to her ex. I totally stopped hearing from one of my sisters. And realised my mother was providing my life and even my kids, i told her to stop. She went on to say well she's got things going on. I said I don't care if she likes she can discuss with me .
When setting the boundary. First thing said was well you set the boundary and thats it. I said yep.
Its really that simple. I cant imagine what the story line is. Or of its accurate and dont really care. Im sitting here holding secrets. Like always.
How did you initially break off and away?
I have been estranged from my narcissistic father for almost 20 years. I don't care what he or any other family members have to say on it. There is so much disfunction and I don't want to play. I am not conflicted in any way! It's the best thing I ever did for myself!
I don't care about narcissists and I don't care about those who listen to them. Real friends know who you really are.
It's natural to love your parents and want love back but if it hurts, walk away. Soon, it begins to be a distant memory. Be around those who really love you.
So you see sane people all around you? Loving and supporting you? Great for you- but may be it is also sometimes a nice illusion.
excellent views!!
I was raised by a narcissistic mother, and watching these videos about the family dynamic that I was raised in are honestly very relaxing. It's nice to hear an objective viewpoint breakdown in simple terms, what happened and what I went through, including after I went no contact. Thanks for posting this.
Same here!
Thank you! I have been estranged for many years from my family. I know I had to do this for my sanity. I counted the cost with so many tears. I felt I had no other choice.
You know that you are heading when you can pray for them ☺️ really!
For me, I had to give up on a 50 year friendship with a woman I thought was my best friend/like a sister. As we grew older I saw more and more of her difficulties. The last straw for me was when she for the 3td time she "punished me" by cutting off contact because I had accidently said something in our phone conversation that she interpretted as critical/confrontational, which had not been my intent. Being heartbroken for days about "how can someone who is supposed to be my best friend be so judgmental and harsh on me" I started seeking info and found Dr. Ramani. I was then able to connect the dots and understand her illness. I wrote and talked to her expressing that we need to discuss what triggers these reactions from her so we can continue but, of course, have found this is more than she can handle. So, I have comfortably come to understand that I have to let go because unless she can find the strength to get help I can't go back into a relationship that is harmful to me.
Oh boy do I understand. You did the right thing and now be kind to yourself and move forward. I have done what you did with a sibling, over and over and over. I'm so embarrassed that I kept trying to make it work and nothing ever changed. Talking to a brick wall. Finally decided no more and I'm done at age 59 is when I decided this. What a very sad thing for me to do, but I need to grow in love and in peace. Wishing you happy days. Take care.
Nancy Peterson, I know exactly what you mean. I finally realized my “best friend” was a narc as she began to be constantly critical and insulting to me. She would bait and harangue me. And I had been her only intimate friend for nearly 25 years. But she finally pushed me away and I have to say I don’t miss her at this point at all. My peace of mind is more important.
Hi Nancy, Ruby & Walli - Yikes! Struggling with this issue right now with one of my best friends. One has been my BF since we were 3 yr old, the other, since 7th grade. However, one seems to randomly take texts out of context, makes an issue or will do something ridiculous at her age & needs constant cheerleading, reassurance & can't handle ANY truth. I am getting tired of this & have SO much on my plate. "She" lives off her partner, does almost nothing, etc.
I am just realizing in last 6+ months the name for all the dysfunction in my siblings, my husband...all Narcs. It is hard thinking about cutting the so called 'friend' out too, but she has shown me time & again who she is. Uuugh.
I know what you mean exactly... same here with a 40year long friendship ....I connected the dots too late... that’s ok! I did do it! Maybe I will be able to do it with husband too!
At first, when you said "how can they be so judgemental and harsh", I honestly wondered if the other people was BPD. Perhaps "splitting"!! But when you said that they decided it was too hard to try to work on it and understand triggers and whatnot, I said nahhh, not bpd; cuz bpd is more likely to search for help, cuz they don't want to feel that way; they want the friendship and don't want to be abandoned. So I'm back on Team NPD with you about your description again.
Grieving the loss of my relationships with my 2 adult children due to their father being a narcissist. 😔 I feel this on such a deep level. I’m only 38 and my heart grieves daily. Feeling such a void because of this. 💔
Sending you so many hugs of support. Heartbreaking! Keep moving forward and take care of yourself. Others out hear feel your pain. Take care.
I'm really glad I found your comment. Kinda the same.
ruby Thank you Ruby!
Stomp the Dragon I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. We will get through it.
@@xabi8011 You are so welcome. Anyone that understands this stuff has so much compassion for the true victims. It is all so very painful dealing with these types of people, but when the children are involved, it is that much intense. Love yourself, love your children and show them at any chance you can and hopefully they will see the truth some day. Take Care and remain strong. Blessings to you.
You literally saved me from a miserable existence when I found your channel. Thank you so much for sharing your content. I absolutely love you!
You have too outsmart them. Play along or go away. Thanks Dr. Ramani, because you have to recognize it first.
“Estrangement can also be a byproduct of control ...”. Nailed it! Except I care a lot less this time round and am deciding if I’m going to sever the ties this time for good because I can’t do this shit anymore. Everything is all good until you break some unwritten “rule” that you were supposed to somehow know would piss them off. Especially when you’ve revealed to them what it is you’re doing and they say they’re “fine with it,” “wish you well,” “understand,” blah, blah, blah. And that’s when you know you’re already screwed. It’s like the silent treatment when you’re a child In that moment when you know it’s going to be god knows how long until they speak to you again and all the things you know you’ll have to go through emotionally to be “allowed” their forgiveness. Ugh.
I cut off my parents when I left home at 22. I had no understanding of why, but my inner guide was right. I'm now 70 and still learning so much. Thank you Dr.Ramani! The Best.
Right now there’s a narcissist watching this saying, “I had to go “no contact, they made me do it. I simply cannot deal with them anymore.”
::GUFFAW::
Right?!?
Amy Garcia ahhh...you know a narcissist well, don’t you? I know a woman who ticks off all the criteria for diagnosis yet she calls herself a life coach and now has a FB page specializing in narcissism. She uses a pseudonym so no one can verify her lack of credentials. She calls herself a “super empath” because of course she couldn’t be a run of the mill empath. How dull that would be. She isn’t successful in her pursuits so I don’t worry about her causing harm on a large scale and no relationship has stuck for more than a flash in 40+ years so I don’t have to worry about an abused spouse. Her son is old enough to move out so I just pray he gets counseling and moves far away enough to get perspective and build a life on a solid foundation rather than her fantasies that never pan out or nightmares that only exist in her mind. Everyone she has a fall out with is an undiagnosed narcissist or an undiagnosed high functioning alcoholic or their personality suddenly changes within days of moving in. No one ever just drifts apart and it never is just two people not working out. She is always the victim and the other person is always a monster. I actually lived with her over twenty years ago and personally witnessed that she is nothing like her outside persona behind closed doors. We moved and paid all the the costs of moving, paying deposits and switching utilities to help her move to the same city we lived in. She met some guy, no doubt created a damsel in distress tale to tell him and had him move her out to his place just a few months later leaving us paying double what we were paying at our old place in rent until our lease was finally up. I was also stuck in a gym membership she begged me to join with her that took two years to finally cancel. I much preferred a Pilates studio that I found that year. She lied to us telling us she was leaving town to move in with her mother to help her. Nope. She was in town with her new boyfriend, turned husband who was “the one” until he became too human for her to stomach and quickly divorced him. I went no contact a few years ago and stopped looking at her social media accounts because it was maddening to see her lie and twist everything around over and over. She has the victim/hero role down pat. But if anyone want a narcissistic life coach to help them learn about narcissism I’ve got one for you.
Sometimes I wonder if Im the fucked up one😩
My sisters and mom to a "T". They stonewall and if anybody asks if there's even a chance they would be willing to be civil with the family members they've gone NC with, they threaten to go no contact with that person too. Good on those who cut the chord with unhealthy people in their life but sometimes the ones who choose it are the narcissists. (Mom is actually a diagnosed narcissist by different doctors.)
@@punkitten2456 People who identify themselves as "empaths" are likely covert narcissists.
So glad I am done with my crazy, narc, mafia, mad, abusive, Italian family. Done🏃♀️
Wow. That's a story I wish I could hear. Best wishes to you on your healing journey ❤.
One other comment about "estrangement." They always told me (those people that sat and judged me for staying away) that someday (after my parent died) I would sorely regret my choice. Oddly enough, I am 60 and it has been years since my mother's death and a couple years since my father died and I do not regret my estrangement. As a matter of fact I think I am thankful that I missed a lot of the horrible drama that went on while I wasn't there. Do I wish things could have been different? Yes. Do I wish I would have done something different? Only that I would have walked away sooner and not stayed so long and let myself be subjected to so many years of pain.
🙏✨💯
I am 47 and it's been 5 years since I had any contact with my mother. The the mere thought of restoring contact still causes a physical reaction and my only regret so far is also that contact was not severed sooner. Not having to strive/pretend to be the daughter she wants, and never quite succeeding, just to maintain a one sided relationship with her out of guilt has been absolutely amazing. Still healing and working on forgiving her and myself but certainly don't think I will feel any regret once she has passed. Honestly, I think it would be a relief. Those people who sit and judge me for staying away will have to find something new to judge me for.
The biggest narcissist I have to contend with is my mother. I just dont expect anything anymore and keep my distance. The damage between family members has already been done and it's sad. Buy again, I expect nothing emotionally. I still get sad about it though.
NM C me too..
At least you’re honest
Same here the damage done. None of the kids have a relationship with each. The fighting over the little crumbs of love that was there. Has caused such a rip in our relationships. Sad. Yet karma is real. 🙃
True, irreperable damage already done 12 years back
My daughter and I are happy sort of about not talking to my mum as well, but it is sad. We shouldn't have to do that. My youngest hasn't experienced what my mother has done and the damage is unbelievable. Stephanie and I are learning to like each other again and to just be ourselves.
This is a window into so many families, I realize as I read the comments ! It was ingrained in me that something was wrong with me and i just couldnt get it right , so I "quit" my role in my family two years ago and was cut off. What a relief. No more guessing what I need to do to "measure up." Thank you for talking about this. I am over 50 years old and now my life begins !!
I would love to have mum like dr Ramani😔 with her I would avoid social anxiety never endding depression and OCD.
I hope you find the strength within yourself and I'm sorry for you and me and everyone has to experience these terrible things but we have to be strong.
Don't you wish we could have picked our family, how beautiful would that have been? Sending love your way! Take care of yourself, you deserve it!!!
I know perfectly this desire, so badly, to have a safe place, rooting in the good earth, to grow healthy and secure. DR. Ramani is our Mother, she is helping us so much that i will be who i am only for her mission!
I used to feel this way about any adult older than me that was an empath and a genuinely kind person. Sometimes I still do.
I'm happily estranged from BOTH my narcissistic parents who caused me much mental illness over my 40 years before I learned how to cut their cancerous presence out of my life!
Im the scapegoat, and I'm estranged from my entire family. I don't know why my siblings and I can't have communication, because they do with each other, but I believe it's due to all the triangulation and lies my narc mom orchestrated. She's terminally ill now and I'm now taking care of her. She's lost a lot of the fuel she once had and has humbled a bit having no power or control in this situation (being under my roof, I'm paying bills, nobody will take care of her etc), but I'll tell you, the narcissism doesn't go away, even when faced with impending death. I've accepted that I'll never have a family, but it doesn't hurt any less than it ever has. I feel like I'm just waiting for her to die so I can finally be free and have a clean slate. It's been such a huge challenge to my Christianity to continue to take care of someone who acts so defiantly evil toward any attempts to share the light of Christ, kindness, compassion, etc. Please pray for me. These kinds of people make it impossible.
Dear Leah...I have been there...you are strong and wise. Keep going.
I could have written almost every word of this, Leah. If you are out there, I hope you are doing well. I am praying for you. 💜
@@stephaniepyne2535 Thank you Stephanie-- God bless you and I'm praying for you as well
@@leahr9038 Thank you, Leah.
I no how you feel...
Great episode for me, personally. This has been my world. Smear campaigns, all of it. Bingo. Estrangement and no contact (finally set by NM) is actually a relief, probably for us both. It is sad, but it is what it is. It’s better than extreme toxicity and insanity that will never go away. The Narcissist does not get better. They get worse with age. Not saying I’m perfect. I’m easily triggered and provoked into rage by NM’s word salad circular arguments, lies, manipulations, childish snits and tantrums (let alone the build up of lifelong unconscious resentments), thereby proving her claims against me. I’m happier no contact. I think she is, too, to the extent that she can be satisfied with anything. I hope so anyway. I’m not ashamed of estrangement but it’s sad. I have been through pain, guilt, rage, grief. Now, I try to live by the serenity prayer.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for these intelligent, compassionate videos. I know they are helping so many people. I hope you are well and managing ok in this quarantine time. 💕
Very honest of you. I too would get totally enraged by their tactics, my bad, got to go, out of here, not coming back, see ya. They will make you crazy over and over again. I had to go no contact. I couldn't live like that.
Beautifully said! Such a painful situation, but the only rational, compassionate way to handle it, for both of you.
SAVE TRUMP No, it’s no way to live. Very stressful and painful. I hope you are finding peace. 💕
Eureka Garlic Thank you. 💕
Sherrie, ah that serenity prayer has saved my ass many times. So prevalent. Here’s to peace 💐
Ex golden child here. Replaced by ex scapegoat sibling.. but rather have this loneliness anyway.
Don't let loneliness get you down..the Narc HAS to have people around them. Im the scapegoat.
Wow that is rare for GC to be replaced by SG. But soon SG will be discarded and you may be recruited again. I've seen that in my family. NArc always keeps you on their roster, IF you allow it.
When my sisters and I were young the three of us who weren’t “Golden.” Dad would openly say my sister was the perfect woman. He’d walk right past our rooms to say goodnight to her.
It seemed she wore the ultimate crown. Perfect.
Later, when dad bought her a plane ticket up come home from college without even checking with her, she finally overcame her perfectionist label and literally told him to fuck off.
I think it was the love of a normal man that gave her the strength to set a boundary on dad’s ass! He was the one who told me how our dad triangulated.
And being Golden isn’t actually supportive because he made us hate her, and she had to constantly fit dad’s mold. It’s abuse to favor a child.
@@thehappywanderer6469 thanks so much
@@SheCanSmile Actually it's not as rare as it looks. You know how it's like. All about the supply. I had a best friend who suffered the same. At that time ,when she
told me I admit
I wasn't that
supportive as I
should or could've
been. I thought she
was simply overreacting and
that maybe her mom
needed some space.
Turns out two years
later ,I'm in that
exact same boat as her. I have since
forgiven myself &
asked her for forgiveness too.
This entirely describes what has happened in my life. It's made me a bit sad, but I'm also relieved of a huge burden. Thank you Dr. Ramani and everyone else commenting on these videos
I have estranged my narc. It feels great! No drama, no bs.
Estrangement is the BEST DECISION I ever made in regard to my toxic, narcissistic Mother. Two years no contact now and my life is far better. Just a few days ago one of my Brothers called to say she has breast cancer. I feel for her as a woman and a human being but there is NO going back. I have a lot of emotions about it though sadness and rage for example.
Tuiit you
So many mind-blown moments with this video... thank you for providing clarity for me concerning my family dynamics & helping me realize that I am not crazy or alone. 🙏🏽
As an adopted kid to a wealthy family of Narcissists, she is literally describing my whole life. It all makes sense now.
Estrangement is overwhelming.
Weaponized estrangement devastated our family for two decades. I used to only see the losses and pain, but now it seems the universe was protecting me. Love and light to all who are suffering from this toxicity.
Weaponized 😢?
I have estranged my narcissistic father and it’s great. I haven’t enjoyed life like this in... I can’t even remember the last time
Make a vow never to estrange yourself but to estrange yourself from abusive manipulative unwilling immovable impossible people.
It'll feel like Hell in the beginning.
You'll even feel like everyone's a narcissist for a while.
But the more you work a daily discipline for your recovery, the more you regulate ur emotions.
Your clarity returns.
You no longer allow anyone to make you their black sheep.
You gain a strong sense of self amd boundaries.
And life finally opens up bc ur living your authentic self and finding happiness, accepting life has downfalls, and ur living a realistic way of life.
Thanks for this incredible series Dr Ramani.
So helpful.
"If you come from a family..."
""Yes, I come from a family."
"...with Narcisistic dynamics."
"Oh!"
(really, though, I love your work. You hit it out of the park almost every time. Thank you so much.)
Golly, you are so right, in everything you point at.
How did i survive all those mistreatments ? I don’t know.
What I do know is that more and more of my issues
in my life, in my behaviors with people, in what happened to me, in my failures, in my unsuccessful tries in many directions, tried professions, even psychological AND physical health,
are explained very accurately in your videos, Dr. Ramani.
Today, with that one, my ancient deep psychological and physical pains (and still today’s one) have a face, literally.
It hurts. It makes me cry. But I’ve got tools now. I’m 49. I learned a lot. And every single day I learn more. And I’m more and more efficient in my today’s life. And happy. Yes.
Thanks for your channel. I’ve already written that, but you’re a blessing.
Thank you, from the deep of my heart. 🥹.
With love, from Paris, France. 😄
It takes so much energy to stop feeling unnecessarily guilty. Like, i just dropped the glass, not burn down the world!
Wow watching your videos is NEVER a disappointment you have become my light in the darkness
I need to become estranged from my own son. I'm finally strong enough to endure the inevitable separation.
❤️
My husband and I just became estranged from his son, 18. It was hard. I am more emotional about it than my husband. My husband saw the manipulation so much sooner and I was often my step sons target for manipulation. These videos and others have helped me realize it is the best thing for our family. We both feel much lighter with him gone and he hasn't tried to contact us....except one time for money.
@@samanthamartellaro6877 I wish you all the best. I am about to do the same with my 22yo son. I am a widow since he was 6, but the pain of the verbal insults have made me snap. It took me a while to accept the fact that I may never see him again, but I feel freed already. I find myself packing boxes in a cheerful manner.
I learned never stay in the same house as them, never carpool with them. It seems all they want is to have you captive for a stretch of time. If you don’t give them that captive audience, just allowing them meetings in public, they won’t try to berate or vilify me.
You literally describe my family in the first five minutes of every video. It is mind blowing and finally the confusion is answered. So thank you so very much.
'Sibling estrangement', 'gaslighting', 'flying monkeys', crazy-making', ...'other family members believing the lead narcissist',' ongoing scapegoating',etc...All of this is what I have grown up with my whole life in a family that 'looked like the perfect family'. I moved away almost 4 decades ago, and yet am still 'estranged'. I spoke up about the existence of major family dysfunction and sexual abuse and have been scorned, attacked, shunned and lied about ever since. I learned 'the hard way' that these dynamics will never change. It is not easy to accept these things, but if you grew up similarly, it is VITAL that you accept that your family is sick with this destructive mental virus and there is no vaccine. We must inform ourselves and continue to heal ourselves and in my case, have no contact with, or extremely limited contact, with the narcissist as well as the others who have 'bought into' his narcissistic abuse. Painful stuff to recover from, but we must walk away from these people or will become like them.
You hit the nail right on the head! Yes there is a lot of grief And yes it’s a hard pill to swallow when that one sibling wants to replace you and turn every one against you even though I took it hard at first but like you said she did me a favor by eliminating me from her life. I needed to set those boundaries a long time ago and she did it for me. I can now see it from the eyes of gratitude 🙏🏻
My sister (middle/invisible child) and I got into a shouting match at my mom's after Thanksgiving and I haven't spoken to my either my mom or sisters in the past 8 years. I have always been the family scapegoat and this was the time that I took a stand and just wouldn't allow to be bullied any longer, and it cost me a relationship with my family. Its taken me nearly this entire time to come to terms with the estrangement and see that it has mostly benefitted me. Four years ago I attempted to make amends and put it behind me, but my mom thought it would be better to leave me in the past then move past. My eldest sister (golden child) recently reached out to me a few weeks ago, and I've been toying with the idea of reconnecting, but I now realize that it would only put me back into the cycle of being the family scapegoat, and that I'm better off on my own.
Send cards for holidays and birthdays. It allows you to say you’ve been in touch without actually having to interact.
You have articulated exactly what my family dynamic was. I finally feel validated. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
We need a video on shame, I'm having trouble getting rid of it. It's a huge battle just to open the curtains in my house.
Heather Smith hang in there. You desere the light coming in- ow you see where the darkness lies or came from. You can, and you will, feel better🤗
Keep listening, love yourself. You deserve happiness and I hope you can shake off the shame. It isn't valid but You are.
Dr Ramani, the mental shaman. Thank you
I am the Black Sheep of my “family” which I refer to the entire group as “those people”!! I have always clearly defined those people as my “relatives”!! Both of my biological donors are narcissistic! I would never call them my parents! I am the definition of no-contact estrangement! After 30 years, they still can’t grasp that there is something wrong 🤷🏾♀️
biological donors... LOL🤣🤣
Oh, they do grasp that something is amiss, they just don't get that it is they who have caused this mess.
Donors !!! 💀
Those people as you say... Are "FAMDAMNLY" as I would say...
Same. I went “no contact” before the term existed. Have never regretted that with fam of origin. Ended up in two other types of narcissistic relationships and the latest is the longest with Narc fam members who use money to control, and exploit every weakness. I have children now though and my career has effectively been destroyed (their ignorance about it still has them asking why). Being stuck in a third system (who knew there were so many systems?) the others were overt. This one is covert. Yikes. I’ve learned, I’ve grown, but it’s cost me so much. I am doing everything I can to protect my children, and I’ve turned to writing and therapy. They help for now. Freedom will come someday, and the cost of that will be enormous but worth it.
I totally agree a certain narcissistical"mother does all that"
I was gaslighted as "golden child" given slightly more material things by my parents. (they were overcompensating because they knew they they loved my sisters, and just tolerated me.) Yet I never felt seen, heard and loved. I observed my parents treating my sibings with much more patience, compassion and affection than I received. My parents constantly scrutinized, berated and belittled me verbally, and my father frequently hit me, and pulled my hair. Now that my parents are dead, I always have an impulse to distance myself from my sisters because they learned from my parents to disrespect and devalue me.
Mine was the opposite I was gaslighted and scapegoated by my mother and entire family all the way up until the day she died...I have no family thanks to her...she even smeared me with my kid's...to the point they won't talk to me, they two also abused me and continue the abuse using my grandkids as the weapon to punish me to the point that I will never feel the joy of being a grandparent...
You were no golden child, but a gilded child. As in the golden treatment is only superficial.
I was treated the same way by both my parents mostly my mom the ring leader only I was the scapegoat...both my parents are dead too...my family don't care if I exist...I have no family and true friends so I am finding out...
😢😢😢I’m so sorry
@@deannahudson6873 this is terrible. my dad and stepmom have done this to me also and i am trying to figure out if the small family on my mom side are doing the same thing.
Thank you for sharing this information today. I have just subscribed to your channel, having heard what you said about estrangement.
I have one child and I have been estranged from her (her choice) for 13 years. My heart has gone through many stages of grief. However, in the last year since the passing of my narcissistic mother, I now feel being estranged from my daughter is best for me. I have come to the place where I have finally accepted the situation. I feel I have to in order to be at peace with myself.
I am still very sad and on a waiting list to see a psychologist; everyone is so busy. Your words were very helpful to me today. Again, thank you.
Your words made .e cry but at the same time gave me a little peace. I've been estranged from my narcissistic daughter (her choice)for about 5 months and it has seemed an eternity. I can't imagine 13 yrs.!
I miss my daughter with all her flaws, but I miss more her son. She is a single mother and I worry sick the negative effect his mother is producing in him. She has isolated him from every one. He's only 9. I fear for his mental stability. She is in the high spectrum of narcissism.
I discovered this channel a couple of months the ago and this is the first time I dare to write a comment.
Thank you for sharing . God bless
Thank you so much for the "estrangement" topic, I recently cut off ties with my narcissistic parent when I moved to my college because I knew it was the only healthy option. And my fiancee doesnt quite understand when I say, "nothing is going to change". I try to explain that it's not from a place of hate or trying to erase the past but to grow from it. I still love that parent, but I love me too and I was just done sacrificing myself for my narcissistic parent's sake or even mine just to avoid causing negativity. But even with this, I'm worried about my 2 younger siblings back home because I was their protective barrier.
Kathryn M I know how you feel. But you never signed up to protect them. It’s not your job and no one is holding you accountable for that. Set an example for them that’s the best thing you can do 🙏
@@Ahukim thanks B 💕
Knowledge is power. This post really hits home. I was stuck in hope, I was afraid of not being seen as nice, kind, and loving. Your teaching post has saved our lives. You introduced us to correct learning skills and how to let go of guilt and shame with understanding, grace, and dignity.
Wow... I just realized that when considering a partner, one has to consider whether or not they have narcissist family members and how involved they are...
Thank you, Dr Ramani. I estranged myself. I needed, need, and will always need that kind of distance. My estrangement is survival. It is life affirming.
Couldn't have said it better!
I moved to the other side of the world from my family. I have been healing since I left and I am a much happier person. I only contact them through text every now and then.
This is so important and thank you. I've been on this journey of alienation for 6 months now. My son is 15 and use to have him half time as a co-parent. This pain has been unimaginable as you explain. Been trying to focus on self love to keep the horrible thoughts and emotions at bay to get through my waiting period. I want to share with all of you one thing that has helped me immensely, hour by hour. When I have feelings of fear and loss, and gravitate towards behavior that is in not healthy for me, I start to intensely focus on that love that is so strong in my heart I have for my son. This is the strongest and purest love we will ever know. I ask myself, "do I want my son to be thinking these thoughts? "Would I want my son to be leaning on unhealthy behaviors that lead to self abuse?" Tap into the love you have sown and turn this to yourself. This is like a battery that has unlimited power. This helps me all day long and strengthens my love for my son as well as myself. I believe learning self love is the most powerful tool we can use for healing. I hope you all try this, It has helped so much.
Others being judgemental and making invalidating comments can be very emotionally hurtful, as well as diminishing you in the eyes of others. It can be very hard to navigate, especially when still trying to deal with the emotional damage and trying to establish yourself in the world as a good and successful person. I would like to see more advice and help for people who want to be seen as a good and healthy person.
It's unfortunate that estrangement gets judged as worse than people putting up with incredibly problematic family dramas!
Dr Ramani: Can you talk about a narcissist sibling baiting others to create an atmosphere of conflict and reaction (while the gas lighting narc denies any role in instigating conflict). Also can you talk about competition for attention when neglectful parents play favorites? My sister is a massive narcissist and believes that our relationship and the attention that she desperately needs is a Zero/ Sum Game.... even to this day, as adults.
Parents! i've seen first hand from my narcissistic sister that Neglect at a young age, parents playing favorites and a lack of fair Justice in the home between sibling conflicts is one of the the source codes of Narcissism. Children desire your attention and approval more than anything, and yet still need to be fairly held accountable for their actions in order to understand right & wrong and boundaries.
Your page is a wake up call Dr Ramani. Thank you for your wisdom.
I can sadly totally relate...😢
You just narrated my life. My mom played favorites and appeared to prefer me to an older sibling, so my sibling was jealous and took out her frustration on me. I had plenty of times asked for justice and interference from mom, but she couldn't care less. My sibling was unable to see our mom neglected us both. The result was my sibling became a narcissist of epic proportions and I went NC with her.
Are you talking ab my family? Lol. Its so hard. I am forever evil in my sisters eyes bc I was favorited. Its hell
@@xrc7445 same. Same. Its heartbreaking. Nothing I do or say to my sis can change the fact that my existence alone is a threat to her ego. Ive tried for years to prove I am genuine, given her millions of chances and in the end going NC is what she wants and the only solution for me as well. Its not my responsibility to become her sole supply slave bc I was favorited as a kid.
I grew up with a controlling narcassistic father.
I had never heard of estrangement before. However, now that my parents have past, the remaining siblings are very distant and estranged. It's a real shame, because we have just lost touch of each other.
I had no idea that this was a byproduct of our family structure, & often wondered why it occurred.
Thank you for this series!
I am so grateful you exist and make all of these videos for us!I have started watching them about a year ago. It has changed my life so much. I still cry on each one I watch and literally breaks me but it also saves me in the same time. I haven’t realised how deep I buried it all inside of me. Thank you!
Really loving this series!! Cannot say just how very helpful and informative I'm finding these!
Dark triad parent. Total severing of family of the dark triad parent family side and my siblings. 100% severing of any relationship. Years now.
I had to just to survive, thriving is still elusive. My desperate need to survive or death of my spirit. My life has gotten, my heart, my coping are improving. Therapy. Set to have the gagilion shot for ptsd/c-ptsd. Linging for remission of life long symptoms.
Leave, stop being agreeable. If Freezing is your response perhaps its time you find your respect and self love and seek help , i.e. therapy.
Your last point reminds me of the last time I saw my mom, for the first time ever she'd said sorry, and I got happy at first, until I realized what she was really trying to do was reel me back in talking about my grandmother... I'm happy I saw what she was really trying to do. I've even gone as far as slowly estranging my sisters too, they basically brushed off my experiences, 'oh we went through that with mom too', and they always ask when I'm gonna talk to her again. I really do love them, but they do nothing but defend her, telling me I should forgive her, when all I've done is forgive her only for the cycle to start all over again. I can't lie, it gets hella lonely sometimes, and this sounds sad but it's nothing new, the only difference is that I'm happier, and finally started gravitating nice people in my life, I'm happy I held on for so long, and I'm happy I feel in control of my life now!
This is spot on with my Grandmother, Aunt & Uncle. I'll spare the details, but suffice it to say they were cruel. This video is spot on. (Right down to my being told to "Be the bigger person," a common exhortation. When I was about 10, I asked why I always had to be the bigger person when adults behaved childishly. I hot in trouble for that!)
Thank you for your videos. In the last year, they've helped me more than decades of searching for answers from the medical community. "Knowledge is power." Thank you for empowering me.
Its unbelievable but in almost every video its like, " How did you know?"
I've never had a person make me cry so many times but feel a validation. Why you do what you do will always evade me. Thank you!
Absolute best videos about understanding npd on TH-cam! So amazing that she gives all this information away for free.❤️
You described my "family" perfectly. The narc parents really have a way of engineering chaos. The proof is in the estrangement of 3 siblings. It all strikes me as so unnecessary, ya know? Like...how can you not love, even despise your own children? I've been guilted for being gay -- shamed, humiliated, oh what an issue it was-- and not giving them grandchildren. Lemme tell you. Children, one day or not (imagine the babies being born now, how *this* is their normal?), I wouldn't let them near them. I have to continuously remind myself all the low contact stuff you talk about it while unhooking myself.
Thank you as always for all you do, Dr. Ramani
Omg!! Once again, this is my life. I had a child out of wedlock at 20yrs. Old. I was a disgrace to the family!! Then I met the love of my life and we took my daughter and moved 20 mins. From my parents. Boy were they pissed. Stopped talking to me when I got married and pregnant again. They couldn't believe that I was having another child when I couldn't take care of the one I had!" Word for word from my mother. I stopped talking to my parents and my sister because she sure as hell didn't help matters since she was the golden child. I was 34 btw!! They conned me back years later and 2 years ago I did something that my mother apparently didn't like and cut us off! I had to say good riddance and I'm done. I am so much happier and healthier now. Thank you for opening my eyes to see that it wasn't me. ❣
Wow! I know this pain. (Varying situations) Adult Children of Alcoholics. Al-anon, Co-da etc, help me, to heal from the Generational Family Traumas. Light is there, Serenity & Joy. Y A N A - U r not alone. TY!! 😁
I love you. Thank you so much for putting into words what I have been dealing with for a very long time and didn't know what was going on. I'm divorcing my narc wife. With the court house shut down it's taking a longer time than I wish. I don't always liked being alone. I am learning that being alone isn't as bad as wishing you were.
I went so far as to tell my second husband's family that my family was dead so that they wouldn't think I was problematic! Eventually, (and it wasn't actually very long) I ended up telling them the truth that I had no contact with my family because of betrayal and abuse. One note on choosing to stay away... Just be aware that when you do this you will be spoken about as the abuser, as they will have to act like victims and suggest that they have no idea why you would turn on your family. Years ago my disordered husband weaponized my narcissistic family against me as he abandoned and divorced me. After years of abuse and betrayal my family started telling everyone that they have no idea why I wouldn't talk to any of them. It was horrible and surreal. Unfortunately, this is also terrible for kids and there are a lot of innocent people caught up in the mess and have no idea what is going on.
I walked away from my narcissist mother 4 years ago. Since then I have learned how much damage she has done and for so long. I have new friends, a job where I am appreciated, and friends who are positive and uplifting. Never again will I allow anyone to tell me I'm not enough. Get away while you can!
What a wonderful video. You covered every possible scenario. My mother and I always had a conflicted relationship because she never wanted children, but my father did. For him, children was his reason for marriage, and her reason for marriage was his paycheck. When I was 9, my sister was born because I was getting too old to be her reason for not working and because my father wanted another child. When I was 11, my brother was born purely by accident, but they were thrilled to have a boy. So we all grew up, me much older, school, dating, college, marriage, children, career. My sister married, hated having a child, having a job, and became my mother’s caretaker after my father died. My mother and I were estranged and my sister began to distance. So much so that when my mother died, I didn’t know until two months later when I found her obituary on line while doing genealogy. Long story short, I had been specifically written out of the will and my siblings split the million dollars two ways instead of three. Luckily, I did not expect to get anything and I had made my own living and retirement. My children were cut out too, and that does make me sad, but they make their own way too. We are close and I have told them they had better stay close after I die or I’m coming back to haunt them! 🤣😂🤣 Life would only be turmoil and chaos if my sibs were in it, so I wish them well in their endeavors. 👋🏼
I’m estranged from nearly everyone on my mother’s side of the family. NC for over two year. But for a long time my relationship with them was what you described in the beginning. Very very limited communication. It occurred to me as I watched this that as I was pulling away from my family it was always toxic people making excuses for other toxic people, tying to drawn me in. When I went NC I sat down and gave a heads up to the only two people I planned to continue having a relationship with ( a sibling and a cousin). Thinking about it now they never asked me any questions about why or tried to talk me out of it. They understood the unhealthy dynamics without me having to explain it. They’d been watching it their whole lives.
I'm estranged from my family because I was born hiv positive ! I've never said that out loud but it's my truth!
Thank you, Doctor Ramani. You have a wonderful combination of sensitivity and pragmatism