Ladies please keep hope in Allah swt he’s the only one that can make anything happen I’ve seen miracles happen repent and duaa sisters love you for the sake of Allah May Allah protect us all Ameen
My husband and I are financially responsible for the son we share in common. He does contribute to his two step children, two from my 1st marriage, but as a form of charity as their father bears financial responsibility for them. And Allah knows best. As a 35 yr old mother of two- I knew I was at a disadvantage. I began building the qualities I was looking for and found them within me first and Allah blessed me with a man who accepted the ENTIRE package (10 yrs of me being divorced 🤲🏽). He earned my respect with that decision and with the commitment he made to Allah swt for being a man in their lives. He shows up for them daily through his actions and iman, that is all part of sacrificing for the family. Thanks for this video. Feels good to respect and honor my husband. The two kids that Are not his respect this man from the core because they see my respect towards him and he individually earned their respect through honorable action.
@@sophiesumleen7872 no sister, we have a 2 year old son together Alhamdullilah. I have a 16 yr old son and 13 yr old daughter from my previous marriage
Ahhh somethings I agree and somethings I disagree. As a twice married woman and been a step mother and now my children have a step father, he has always done alot for my kids on his own accord, actually more than their father. I do believe some can be replaced with better. I do believe he can be treated with good treatment and he isn't lower than the kids needs. It's a hard transition but it can work with two healthy devoted Muslims. I do believe that the step father can have a very close and loving relationship with his step children and have seen that many times, where he took his step child as his own.. I do believe islamically from my understanding talking to sheikhs he is responsible for your needs as the wife, so you still have rigths and he still has to be responsible to those needs. I do believe the financial responsible is a burden on the single mother and inshaAllah he can help out in this regard. If he can't or won't than she be supported to earn an income to support her children. As to gratitude and thankfulness. I think this is a two way street. I was always thankful in my marriage until he started using it against me(you and your four kids). When I pointed out he was emotionally manipulating the situation to see himself as the victim and I had to constantly be showing him thankyoufulness and gratitude, I had to set a healthy boundary that says you also have to be thankful that you have a good and devoted wife in this situation. The gratitude has to be a two way street. If not, he thinks your indebted to him. No single mother should be made to feel they are a burden and need to keep being thankful for "being saved" Yes we need to lower our expectations. But we also have to value ourselves and know not to be taken advantage off just because we have kids. AlhumidaAllah 6 years later we have a great relationship and alot of that was because we had to communicate how we felt in the blending of our blended blessings. He also appericates that Allahswt gave him these kids to look after and the lessons learnt on both side*** Being a single mother entering a marriage in these situations is a very difficult experience and I have heard of stories where the step father I'll treats her children causing more pain. So in all, the advice is very for the step father and I disagree with some of it. I think both parties have to take responsibility of their triggers and limits and compassion and understanding be the bases. No one is aburdan to anyone.
Asc sis. This is a paradigm shifting advice! I never thought of it this way. WOW. May Allah increase you in wisdom and in every area. I will share this advice! I love your content sis!
Sister I think this had some good points in it but it became a bit toxic along the lines of you need to over exert yourself because just by marrying you he has given you the world. I agree women have to be realistic about the fact that the step dad isnt the kid's dad. But shouldn't he already be aware that he is marrying a single mum and there will be kids in this dynamic? She can't behave like a single woman if she actually has 5 kids, where will she pull the time and energy from if she couldn't do it in her first marriage... that seems to be a bit dreamy. It is unrealistic to expect a stepdad to be a perfect father to your children from a previous relationship. In the same way, it is unrealistic for single mother to behave like a wife who has no responsibilities outside of you. Women can't carry the mindset of I'm worthless because I'm a single mum so I should marry anyone who will have me and kiss the floor he walks on. This is so damaging. I agree that it would be wise to put in extra effort as he is putting in extra effort on account of the children that are not his. And single mums should recognise and show gratitude for it. But it isn't a noose to hold around her neck, he did come into the marriage with eyes wide open. Men are not stupid that they can't understand what comes when marrying a single mother. Besides, just as there are divorced women, there are divorced men and I think those people who have the same experiences will be the most compatible. And single parents should not forget that Allah provides these marriages. We have to be realistic, open minded and hardworking but in the end the results come from Allah so we should never be pessimistic.
As a man, Im beginning to understand the cases where polygamy and misyar are somehow a balancing force..... even if i accept fully what Allah subhanahu wa taala prescribes, but here after your speech, i have new perspectives, youre so educated .. may Allah reward you
Come from a blended family and I come from circles a blended families believe me there is no “” natural friction. Feels normal and you don’t even question it and the only time you question is if you’re out in public and someone makes a weird comment.
YOU ARE SO BRAVE SISTER ROBERT (respect to your husband): This is a sticky situation - Being a Stepfather is a sacrifice that goes far beyond what is wise for a Man because he sacrifices like he's first, but placed in 7th or 8th in line. Your analysis and honesty is much appreciated. I pray for Stepfathers, may Allah (swt) give them the best outcome possible, it breaks my heart to see things go bad, lifts my heart in the few instances it goes well.
Assalaamu alaikum My name is sister Khawlah Islamicly speaking the actual hadith on this state that the woman is to give up custody of her children to the father so long as he is a stable and safe parent based on being upright and practicing minimum the 5 basic pillars, and is capable and willing to raise them. Another hadith states that the woman who chooses to bring up her children and not remarry is guaranteed jannah. There are conditions that need to be met for the father to be stable, but even if he isn't, then he can actually have his mother or women from his family raising yhe kids. And the explanation is based around what sister Naima was actually explaining about a man not having the same love for your child and at times can cause conflict between the two parents and the children as well, along with rights being neglected etc. That being said, if the man is in agreement to take on the woman and the child or children, there are scholars that believe that it is acceptable for the woman to remain in custody. I have had to go through this with my own personal experience and still at times find myself feeling torn between my child and my husband though my husband doesn't give pressure to me, nor does he hassle me because he has his own experience from previously being married and raising children MaashaaAllah Like I said, it is a big commitment for another man and yes some sisters may find a man willing to take it on but if the father of those kids is still around, there should never be pressure on that man to replace the father because that is unfair to the father, the new husband and the kids. And for what? To fulfill the fantasy of our imaginations. Not every man is perfect in raising his children but if he loves his kids, and shows up for them, allow it. You can't hide kids from their truth, and you can't rewrite their story. You'll only cause resentment. That being said, if the father isn't around and the new husband wants to take on that role, Alhamdulillah may Allah bless all of that. I know personally I don't ask my husband to do anything with my son, out of respect for his father and also because if he wants to do things with him, he will. MaashaaAllah. Only at emergency times have I ever asked for his taking care of my son without me there. My son likes my husband, but I do not allow him to call him his dad. He has a father. I'm not perfect, none of us are. Just trying to do everything according to what is correct. InshaaAllah
Jazakallahkhair okhti. When children are involved I totally agree with you that it is in the best interest to try and hold on to the marriage. My marriage broke down a little over 3yrs ago and the effect on the children is more damaging than people sometimes realize. My two youngest children, who are boys, have decided to move in with me which has made them estranged from their mother and sisters. I desperately wanted to maintain the marriage as I could see this happening a mile away.. It seems a marriage is only in trouble when the woman isn't happy. Thoughts please
I disagree. Three of my four boys thriving after the marriage breakdown. The marriage was more toxic for them. Divorce isn't a death sentence and usually kids are not thriving because the parents are not thriving.
In my opinion, single parents can marry single parents as they may understand the issues of step parenting and single parenting btr for being the in the same position. As, step parenting is not easy for everyone
Well, not everyone may know everything they are getting into. And not everyone may know the different hardships of step parenting unless they are in the situation.
Salaam sis. Really loving the content. I've started listening to you after your marriage conference and I'm learning so much MashaAllah. I'm in a very similar situation: married for 11 years, 4 kids, stay at home homeschooling mom, but am at the point where divorce is really the only option, it seems. My husband has, alhamdulillah, been the one to soley provide for us financially. HOWEVER, it's the bare minimum. Without government assistance and help from his parents from time to time, we'd be in dire straits. Throughout our entire marriage I've been the one to make sure he was employed, filling out applications, creating his resume, cold emails, etc. The one time I left it up to him to find a job (I'd just had our oldest child) he was unemployed for almost a year (we lived with his parents) until he finally found something part-time through a friend. Getting a second job has never been a consideration for him, and getting training/certification in a higher paying field was something that he often talked about but never followed through with. I've had to hold his hand in order for him to do basic things. I've also been the main one responsible for making sure bills got paid and we had money for things we needed. On top of all this, his religion, for the most part, is absent. Outside of fasting in Ramadan, he doesn't do anything with regards to deen. He has a very pessimistic and negative attitude towards most things, lies, angers easily, uses foul and abusive language (under the guise of "just playing around") and generally operates with no filter or restraint. This has led to some very irresponsible behavior such as repeated infidelity in which he had a baby with a woman while I was also pregnant (the baby passed away due to being stillborn). And he still deals with this woman to this day, despite his promises to "do better". I can't say I've been the greatest wife; I come from a family of single mothers where marriage was not modeled or encouraged. It took my a long time to realize what I'd been doing wrong and I've taken active steps to change that and be a better spouse, which is why I stayed in the relationship this long. Problem is, I'm the only one doing the work while he talks about changing his behavior, only to continue to essentially do whatever he wants. I'm done trying to work it out when he's shown me who he is. Am I wrong for wanting something "better"?
If he is not willing to go to marriage counseling with you, get counseling for yourself. Heal yourself, and build yourself up spiritually, financially, mentally. Only you can decide what you can live with. Make lots of dua and istikhara for guidance.
I can relate to your situation and as the sister was talking I realise that a distinction should be made between those who want an “upgrade” and those who need a divorce to maintain their sanity and religion. I fall into the latter category. The advice in the reply below to heal and strengthen yourself is brilliant. When you do this and you operate from a place of clarity and eeman, you can make better decisions inshaa Allah. Tahajjud too sister. Believe Allah will guide you to the best for you and your children.
@Waqqas To get something better after a divorce does not always have to mean getting another man. It could mean better spiritual, mental health. It could mean a better quality of life. Having a more productive and peaceful life. And only Allah knows anyone's rizq. People should be realistic and work hard on themselves, but also hope for the best outcome.
I’m sorry to hear the you come from a line of single mothers and unfortunately, I feel that background is what has led you to being in this situation through no fault of your own. But the work needs to be done before getting into the marriage although I appreciate you didn’t have much modelling of successful relationships let alone marriage. Life is about duty and marriage is also about duty. Not in a regimented way but in a way of responsibility. Is this msn fulfilling his duties of protection, provision, education, fatherhood duties etc? Often that’s where the answer lies. However, to know whether or not you should stay in the marriage, you need to ask a scholar. Scholars have the knowledge, maturity and wisdom.
Mashallah sister we need more like u in today's world were we often mix islam with our emotions u cudnt explained this any better may Allah continue to bless u for the work u are doing ameen
I married a women who was divorced with 2 girls I was never married she was a chartered accountant we had house cars etc etc..I left her because status, ego and materials meant alot for her and no value for me as a husband so I know for a fact that no luxury etc makes a good marriage now I'm going towards marrying a women with 4 older daughters no house lives in a council house doesn't drive no career house run down but she is such a humble women with no ego..gives me the respect I wish for...so my point is we don't really look for an upgrade we look for the women who knows what it entails to be a women...man doesn't care about your career money etc...he can make that himself...a women who doesn't have any interest in materials..holidays etc etc none of these things are important to her..only thing she cares about is being a the best wife and mother possible that's it. Hence why they called homemakers. And men are the providers of the tools needed for the women to keep the home together team work..a women should know her role and if the man plays his part then the women has no reason to try playing the man's role..that's the women I found..so yes in a sense it could be an upgrade in morals,values, respect, faith, and and upgrade to a real women bless
Assalamu Alykum Most people don’t understand that in Islam the kids go to someone else! Her mother if she is a good believer, some scholars say back to the father if he hasn’t any objectionable deen/character! SubhanAllah men don’t know this, because the man marrying a woman needs her attention and they both need the time together to have a successful relationship! Islam is practical, we are oblivious to the teachings of this deen! Moreover, a man that steps into this type of situation is more than likely NOT the man you are seriously in need of! A woman needs to understand her market value! And yes sisters, your first husband got the best of you! Last piece of advice stay away from any counselors that aren’t religious/secular and especially kufar! You will Not get true and practical advice as a practicing Muslim! Allah knows best! Im liking sister Naima’s recent teachings, she is more objective, and there is no substitute for experience. MashAllah.
We are in This Dunya only to prove to Allah we are worthy, if you can keep your marriage somehow put up with basic problems (not abuse or neglect) Just see yourself clawing into jannah with your sacrifices
Salaam alaykum wb Sister Naima, pls can we have a similar video to tell single fathers who's wife may have left or passed away or divorced for any reason, and is looking after the kids.... And he remarries and has expectations from a woman who doesn't have kids.....and he places all these expectations on her to suddenly become their mother... And he doesn't realise her sacrifices coming into this marriage : ( on top of everything expects great wifely etiquettes and household skills and Lord knows what else. A video for all men who have this attitude : / then has a go if she treats her biological child who comes along any differently to his other kids
Yeah, one shud be made. Personally i prefer single parents marrying single parents as de may understand each other btr. And dis videos shud include single parents marrying single parents too? Like y shud childless ppl be expected to bcome step parents only?
@@sophiesumleen7872 I don't think I would say only single parents should marry single parents. But I do think a lot of training needs to be given before marriage specific to each person's situation. Whether it's a blended family situation, whether it's a joint family system, or any scenario. I think masjids should not perform niqas without such training as I think is done in Malaysia
@Waqqas Exactly. They should stay single and raise their kids or blend families with another single parent. Childless people need to think twice before marrying a single parent. It’s best to start your own family. No need unnecessarily complicate your life by getting involved in someone else’s family.
Some valid points were made, but it could be explained more consisely as it came across one sided. The environment that you describe from the male perspective, sounds draining and could be quite unhealthy for the children. They could grow up feeling unwanted and traumatized in such a stifling environment. A single mom needs to carefully consider who she marries, and prioritize her children first. Will she continue working to support her children because her new husband will not help out? If that's the case, how will working affect her new marriage? Finances, living arrangements, the way he views her kids should all be considered prior to marriage. And men who don’t want to be burdened by his wife's kids, need a reality check. Why marry a single mom in the first place? It might not be his responsibility, but it will be hurtful to her and thus their marriage if he behaves like her kids are a nuisance to his life. I don't believe most men are as you describe. It depends on individual circumstances, his maturity level, on the level of respect he has for his wife. And his own background. The children need to be prioritized by their mother, by her choosing a safe environmental for them to strive. Because it is trauma enough to not have their biological father.
I don't know of and have not heard of a man who is going to support three children from another marriage. I don't think a Muslim woman should divorcee her husband because he is not practicing that is entitled and selfish. The woman you are discussing needs to sacrifice for her children, why did she have them if she's not going to do that.
Everyone’s journey is different… Allah swt will look at your hardship and bless you better than the first marriage! This sister is chatting too much nonsense
Salaam alaykum sis, can we do something like for stepmother. I know a single sister being courted by a divorced man with kids. What's your advice for her.
Why doesn’t he marry a single mom? She should not take on that burden. Divorced men with kids prey on childless women bc they want a caregiver for their kids. She needs to marry a childless brother so she won’t be burdened looking after another sister’s kids. Any update on the situation? Did she marry him?
@@misscamara12 sister any brother or sister can marry whoever they wish, so long the criteria is fulfilled as per Quran and Sunnah. You know misogyny or feminism is harram right?
I don't like what you are saying. Sorry it really upsets me. You are right with the first part up until you started talking about how we need to compensate. You can't live your life always on the egde. The way you describe the second marriage sounds like it's easier to stay single. Really. If I'm doing all the work outside home and inside and spend time with the kids alone is still easier than walking on eggshells trying to excuse the existence of two wonderful kids. Let me tell you something: Even if you never had any kids (and I was in that marriage at age 18 ) and you try to be perfect, If the man is not serious or has irrational expectations about woman (from haram online experience) you can compensate yourself to the grave and when you're done they will just walk away. And also if you are married to the kids father and he's not seeing the benefits he has from you ... Than good luck compensating.
Horrible advice So as someone who was adopted yeah man can absolutely love a child and invest in a child and support and be there and raise a child that is not there is the same as if it was. I will say one thing as someone who will convert to Islam I really don’t like the idea that adoption or adopted family isn’t your real family or that there’s no way someone could love adopted or foster children like their own.
You can't make someone blood related even if you feel like you are closer to them than a blood relation. Islam doesn't say a person can't love an adopted child and that's not what the sister was saying.
@@sunsetangel86 She was saying that a person could not love a child that was not theirs as if it were biologically theirs. She was saying men cannot do that and it’s rare if they do. Which is not true. And that if a man does that you should just be grateful
Alhamdulillah it is beautiful that you had a good adoption experience. The sister is trying to encourage sisters to work on their marriages before going for an “upgrade”. This advice comes from working with many families over many years, just like your opinion is based on your unique experience.
Any man who marries a woman and moves into her house, needs to have at least little studio or room on standby within 10-25 miles away from the wife’s house.
I don’t think it’s wise for him to do that in the first place. He should only marry if he can afford his own place. The wife should be moving into his home not the other way around.
@@misscamara12 I appreciate a response to my comment. But Sometimes the sister has Children from a previous marriage and she fills she is stable (kids in school, friends or family around etc) and does not want to move. The brother himself would have his children and he sees them at his place. So sister asks for the entire arrangement to be moved to her house and brother accepts. thats where the trouble starts. All am saying is best for the brother to look after his wife with her children from the previous marriage at his place.
That is so crazy that it’s inconceivable to you that someone could take in kids that were not theirs and it still be the same as if they are biologically theirs. I grew up in adopted circles I saw this all the time. Also if this is how it really is then let me never marry a man that doesn’t have kids. And if it’s still like this if men have kids then let me never marry anyone. What you’re describing is so toxic and so narrow minded I am shocked. Jaw to the floor.
Sister don't be discouraged. You find a husband that appreciates you and is willing to work on the situation with you. You appreciate him in the same way and build something together as a team. Trust in Allah and build the character in you that you are seeking in a future husband. Don't let yourself feel negative.
@@ZM-et7zt Well when she’s telling me that I have to basically be a slave Kind of hard to stay positive. Overcompensate? Have sex even when I don’t want to? you don’t see how that’s not healthy or toxic?
Ladies please keep hope in Allah swt he’s the only one that can make anything happen I’ve seen miracles happen repent and duaa sisters love you for the sake of Allah May Allah protect us all Ameen
My husband and I are financially responsible for the son we share in common. He does contribute to his two step children, two from my 1st marriage, but as a form of charity as their father bears financial responsibility for them. And Allah knows best.
As a 35 yr old mother of two- I knew I was at a disadvantage. I began building the qualities I was looking for and found them within me first and Allah blessed me with a man who accepted the ENTIRE package (10 yrs of me being divorced 🤲🏽). He earned my respect with that decision and with the commitment he made to Allah swt for being a man in their lives. He shows up for them daily through his actions and iman, that is all part of sacrificing for the family. Thanks for this video. Feels good to respect and honor my husband.
The two kids that Are not his respect this man from the core because they see my respect towards him and he individually earned their respect through honorable action.
Does ur new husband have kids from previous marriage too?
@@sophiesumleen7872 no sister, we have a 2 year old son together Alhamdullilah. I have a 16 yr old son and 13 yr old daughter from my previous marriage
@@TheConservativeUmmi Allahuma baarik sis
@@Strivingsis thank you sister.
"He earned your respect" Don't you see how narcissist you are ?
I don’t necessarily want an upgrade in terms of a partner. I just wanted out of a toxic marriage. Whether I find someone better is Allah’s decree.
Ahhh somethings I agree and somethings I disagree. As a twice married woman and been a step mother and now my children have a step father, he has always done alot for my kids on his own accord, actually more than their father. I do believe some can be replaced with better. I do believe he can be treated with good treatment and he isn't lower than the kids needs. It's a hard transition but it can work with two healthy devoted Muslims. I do believe that the step father can have a very close and loving relationship with his step children and have seen that many times, where he took his step child as his own.. I do believe islamically from my understanding talking to sheikhs he is responsible for your needs as the wife, so you still have rigths and he still has to be responsible to those needs. I do believe the financial responsible is a burden on the single mother and inshaAllah he can help out in this regard. If he can't or won't than she be supported to earn an income to support her children. As to gratitude and thankfulness. I think this is a two way street. I was always thankful in my marriage until he started using it against me(you and your four kids). When I pointed out he was emotionally manipulating the situation to see himself as the victim and I had to constantly be showing him thankyoufulness and gratitude, I had to set a healthy boundary that says you also have to be thankful that you have a good and devoted wife in this situation. The gratitude has to be a two way street. If not, he thinks your indebted to him. No single mother should be made to feel they are a burden and need to keep being thankful for "being saved" Yes we need to lower our expectations. But we also have to value ourselves and know not to be taken advantage off just because we have kids. AlhumidaAllah 6 years later we have a great relationship and alot of that was because we had to communicate how we felt in the blending of our blended blessings. He also appericates that Allahswt gave him these kids to look after and the lessons learnt on both side*** Being a single mother entering a marriage in these situations is a very difficult experience and I have heard of stories where the step father I'll treats her children causing more pain. So in all, the advice is very for the step father and I disagree with some of it. I think both parties have to take responsibility of their triggers and limits and compassion and understanding be the bases. No one is aburdan to anyone.
Consider yourself lucky! I counsel couples and everything she is saying is 💯
Asc sis. This is a paradigm shifting advice! I never thought of it this way. WOW. May Allah increase you in wisdom and in every area. I will share this advice! I love your content sis!
Sister I think this had some good points in it but it became a bit toxic along the lines of you need to over exert yourself because just by marrying you he has given you the world. I agree women have to be realistic about the fact that the step dad isnt the kid's dad. But shouldn't he already be aware that he is marrying a single mum and there will be kids in this dynamic? She can't behave like a single woman if she actually has 5 kids, where will she pull the time and energy from if she couldn't do it in her first marriage... that seems to be a bit dreamy. It is unrealistic to expect a stepdad to be a perfect father to your children from a previous relationship. In the same way, it is unrealistic for single mother to behave like a wife who has no responsibilities outside of you.
Women can't carry the mindset of I'm worthless because I'm a single mum so I should marry anyone who will have me and kiss the floor he walks on. This is so damaging. I agree that it would be wise to put in extra effort as he is putting in extra effort on account of the children that are not his. And single mums should recognise and show gratitude for it. But it isn't a noose to hold around her neck, he did come into the marriage with eyes wide open. Men are not stupid that they can't understand what comes when marrying a single mother. Besides, just as there are divorced women, there are divorced men and I think those people who have the same experiences will be the most compatible. And single parents should not forget that Allah provides these marriages. We have to be realistic, open minded and hardworking but in the end the results come from Allah so we should never be pessimistic.
As a man, Im beginning to understand the cases where polygamy and misyar are somehow a balancing force..... even if i accept fully what Allah subhanahu wa taala prescribes, but here after your speech, i have new perspectives, youre so educated .. may Allah reward you
_This video needs to enter and reach every home to save married couples!_
Come from a blended family and I come from circles a blended families believe me there is no “” natural friction. Feels normal and you don’t even question it and the only time you question is if you’re out in public and someone makes a weird comment.
YOU ARE SO BRAVE SISTER ROBERT (respect to your husband): This is a sticky situation - Being a Stepfather is a sacrifice that goes far beyond what is wise for a Man because he sacrifices like he's first, but placed in 7th or 8th in line. Your analysis and honesty is much appreciated. I pray for Stepfathers, may Allah (swt) give them the best outcome possible, it breaks my heart to see things go bad, lifts my heart in the few instances it goes well.
Her husband passed away a few years ago he was a good brother الله يرحمه. I don't think got married again.
MashaAllah! You hit the nail on the head. Thank you for bringing this perspective to daylight.
Assalaamu alaikum
My name is sister Khawlah
Islamicly speaking the actual hadith on this state that the woman is to give up custody of her children to the father so long as he is a stable and safe parent based on being upright and practicing minimum the 5 basic pillars, and is capable and willing to raise them.
Another hadith states that the woman who chooses to bring up her children and not remarry is guaranteed jannah.
There are conditions that need to be met for the father to be stable, but even if he isn't, then he can actually have his mother or women from his family raising yhe kids. And the explanation is based around what sister Naima was actually explaining about a man not having the same love for your child and at times can cause conflict between the two parents and the children as well, along with rights being neglected etc.
That being said, if the man is in agreement to take on the woman and the child or children, there are scholars that believe that it is acceptable for the woman to remain in custody.
I have had to go through this with my own personal experience and still at times find myself feeling torn between my child and my husband though my husband doesn't give pressure to me, nor does he hassle me because he has his own experience from previously being married and raising children MaashaaAllah
Like I said, it is a big commitment for another man and yes some sisters may find a man willing to take it on but if the father of those kids is still around, there should never be pressure on that man to replace the father because that is unfair to the father, the new husband and the kids. And for what? To fulfill the fantasy of our imaginations. Not every man is perfect in raising his children but if he loves his kids, and shows up for them, allow it. You can't hide kids from their truth, and you can't rewrite their story. You'll only cause resentment.
That being said, if the father isn't around and the new husband wants to take on that role, Alhamdulillah may Allah bless all of that.
I know personally I don't ask my husband to do anything with my son, out of respect for his father and also because if he wants to do things with him, he will. MaashaaAllah. Only at emergency times have I ever asked for his taking care of my son without me there. My son likes my husband, but I do not allow him to call him his dad. He has a father.
I'm not perfect, none of us are. Just trying to do everything according to what is correct. InshaaAllah
Jazakallahkhair okhti. When children are involved I totally agree with you that it is in the best interest to try and hold on to the marriage. My marriage broke down a little over 3yrs ago and the effect on the children is more damaging than people sometimes realize. My two youngest children, who are boys, have decided to move in with me which has made them estranged from their mother and sisters. I desperately wanted to maintain the marriage as I could see this happening a mile away.. It seems a marriage is only in trouble when the woman isn't happy. Thoughts please
I disagree. Three of my four boys thriving after the marriage breakdown. The marriage was more toxic for them. Divorce isn't a death sentence and usually kids are not thriving because the parents are not thriving.
@@khadijaal-kaddour4266 that is how todays women always try to justify their bad choices and make lies
No. Everyone is different. Men who are ungrateful are unhappy and can force a woman out.
Amazing content! Allāhumma bārik!
An eye-opener for both male and females.
In my opinion, single parents can marry single parents as they may understand the issues of step parenting and single parenting btr for being the in the same position. As, step parenting is not easy for everyone
They all want never married childless people to take on their load. It’s a lot to ask for.
But you're talking as If the man doesn't know what he's getting into.
when you marry a single mom, you should know that she's a single MOM.
Well, not everyone may know everything they are getting into. And not everyone may know the different hardships of step parenting unless they are in the situation.
Outstanding advice, mashallah tabarakallah.
Salaam sis. Really loving the content. I've started listening to you after your marriage conference and I'm learning so much MashaAllah. I'm in a very similar situation: married for 11 years, 4 kids, stay at home homeschooling mom, but am at the point where divorce is really the only option, it seems. My husband has, alhamdulillah, been the one to soley provide for us financially. HOWEVER, it's the bare minimum. Without government assistance and help from his parents from time to time, we'd be in dire straits. Throughout our entire marriage I've been the one to make sure he was employed, filling out applications, creating his resume, cold emails, etc. The one time I left it up to him to find a job (I'd just had our oldest child) he was unemployed for almost a year (we lived with his parents) until he finally found something part-time through a friend. Getting a second job has never been a consideration for him, and getting training/certification in a higher paying field was something that he often talked about but never followed through with. I've had to hold his hand in order for him to do basic things. I've also been the main one responsible for making sure bills got paid and we had money for things we needed.
On top of all this, his religion, for the most part, is absent. Outside of fasting in Ramadan, he doesn't do anything with regards to deen. He has a very pessimistic and negative attitude towards most things, lies, angers easily, uses foul and abusive language (under the guise of "just playing around") and generally operates with no filter or restraint. This has led to some very irresponsible behavior such as repeated infidelity in which he had a baby with a woman while I was also pregnant (the baby passed away due to being stillborn). And he still deals with this woman to this day, despite his promises to "do better". I can't say I've been the greatest wife; I come from a family of single mothers where marriage was not modeled or encouraged. It took my a long time to realize what I'd been doing wrong and I've taken active steps to change that and be a better spouse, which is why I stayed in the relationship this long. Problem is, I'm the only one doing the work while he talks about changing his behavior, only to continue to essentially do whatever he wants.
I'm done trying to work it out when he's shown me who he is. Am I wrong for wanting something "better"?
If he is not willing to go to marriage counseling with you, get counseling for yourself. Heal yourself, and build yourself up spiritually, financially, mentally. Only you can decide what you can live with. Make lots of dua and istikhara for guidance.
I can relate to your situation and as the sister was talking I realise that a distinction should be made between those who want an “upgrade” and those who need a divorce to maintain their sanity and religion. I fall into the latter category. The advice in the reply below to heal and strengthen yourself is brilliant. When you do this and you operate from a place of clarity and eeman, you can make better decisions inshaa Allah. Tahajjud too sister. Believe Allah will guide you to the best for you and your children.
@Waqqas To get something better after a divorce does not always have to mean getting another man.
It could mean better spiritual, mental health. It could mean a better quality of life. Having a more productive and peaceful life. And only Allah knows anyone's rizq. People should be realistic and work hard on themselves, but also hope for the best outcome.
@@sarahschwarz9972 Yes, definitely for my sanity and religion...and my children. I just want normal at this point, lol.
I’m sorry to hear the you come from a line of single mothers and unfortunately, I feel that background is what has led you to being in this situation through no fault of your own.
But the work needs to be done before getting into the marriage although I appreciate you didn’t have much modelling of successful relationships let alone marriage.
Life is about duty and marriage is also about duty. Not in a regimented way but in a way of responsibility. Is this msn fulfilling his duties of protection, provision, education, fatherhood duties etc? Often that’s where the answer lies. However, to know whether or not you should stay in the marriage, you need to ask a scholar. Scholars have the knowledge, maturity and wisdom.
Mashallah sister we need more like u in today's world were we often mix islam with our emotions u cudnt explained this any better may Allah continue to bless u for the work u are doing ameen
I like all your videos, you definitely speak what’s in your heart without fear of losing a subscriber, keep up the great work.
I married a women who was divorced with 2 girls I was never married she was a chartered accountant we had house cars etc etc..I left her because status, ego and materials meant alot for her and no value for me as a husband so I know for a fact that no luxury etc makes a good marriage now I'm going towards marrying a women with 4 older daughters no house lives in a council house doesn't drive no career house run down but she is such a humble women with no ego..gives me the respect I wish for...so my point is we don't really look for an upgrade we look for the women who knows what it entails to be a women...man doesn't care about your career money etc...he can make that himself...a women who doesn't have any interest in materials..holidays etc etc none of these things are important to her..only thing she cares about is being a the best wife and mother possible that's it. Hence why they called homemakers. And men are the providers of the tools needed for the women to keep the home together team work..a women should know her role and if the man plays his part then the women has no reason to try playing the man's role..that's the women I found..so yes in a sense it could be an upgrade in morals,values, respect, faith, and and upgrade to a real women bless
_The Thumbnail is killin sis!_
JazakumAllahkhair sis, great advice. May Allah SwT reward you immensely Ameen
Asalamalaykum sis! Would you say its the same for single fathers (absent mothers) and step mothers?
Absolutely agree with your statement of responsibility commitment and support.
I love your advice sister Naima ❤️❤️
Ma'shaAllah sister well said 💯
Assalamu Alykum
Most people don’t understand that in Islam the kids go to someone else! Her mother if she is a good believer, some scholars say back to the father if he hasn’t any objectionable deen/character! SubhanAllah men don’t know this, because the man marrying a woman needs her attention and they both need the time together to have a successful relationship! Islam is practical, we are oblivious to the teachings of this deen! Moreover, a man that steps into this type of situation is more than likely NOT the man you are seriously in need of! A woman needs to understand her market value! And yes sisters, your first husband got the best of you! Last piece of advice stay away from any counselors that aren’t religious/secular and especially kufar! You will Not get true and practical advice as a practicing Muslim! Allah knows best! Im liking sister Naima’s recent teachings, she is more objective, and there is no substitute for experience. MashAllah.
Salam alykum
You 're completely right👍
We are in This Dunya only to prove to Allah we are worthy, if you can keep your marriage somehow put up with basic problems (not abuse or neglect)
Just see yourself clawing into jannah with your sacrifices
Salaam alaykum wb Sister Naima, pls can we have a similar video to tell single fathers who's wife may have left or passed away or divorced for any reason, and is looking after the kids.... And he remarries and has expectations from a woman who doesn't have kids.....and he places all these expectations on her to suddenly become their mother... And he doesn't realise her sacrifices coming into this marriage : ( on top of everything expects great wifely etiquettes and household skills and Lord knows what else. A video for all men who have this attitude : / then has a go if she treats her biological child who comes along any differently to his other kids
Yeah, one shud be made. Personally i prefer single parents marrying single parents as de may understand each other btr. And dis videos shud include single parents marrying single parents too? Like y shud childless ppl be expected to bcome step parents only?
@@sophiesumleen7872 I don't think I would say only single parents should marry single parents. But I do think a lot of training needs to be given before marriage specific to each person's situation. Whether it's a blended family situation, whether it's a joint family system, or any scenario. I think masjids should not perform niqas without such training as I think is done in Malaysia
@Waqqas more problems as in?
@Waqqas Exactly. They should stay single and raise their kids or blend families with another single parent. Childless people need to think twice before marrying a single parent. It’s best to start your own family. No need unnecessarily complicate your life by getting involved in someone else’s family.
@Waqqas seriously!
AsSalaamuAlaykum, Masha'allah, beautiful message Sister, very beneficial, May Allah reward you with good
These sisters need to wake up to reality
Kinda sounds like "Beggars can't be choosers "
Nice advice 👍 my dear Na'ma.
Some valid points were made, but it could be explained more consisely as it came across one sided. The environment that you describe from the male perspective, sounds draining and could be quite unhealthy for the children. They could grow up feeling unwanted and traumatized in such a stifling environment.
A single mom needs to carefully consider who she marries, and prioritize her children first. Will she continue working to support her children because her new husband will not help out? If that's the case, how will working affect her new marriage? Finances, living arrangements, the way he views her kids should all be considered prior to marriage.
And men who don’t want to be burdened by his wife's kids, need a reality check. Why marry a single mom in the first place? It might not be his responsibility, but it will be hurtful to her and thus their marriage if he behaves like her kids are a nuisance to his life. I don't believe most men are as you describe.
It depends on individual circumstances, his maturity level, on the level of respect he has for his wife. And his own background. The children need to be prioritized by their mother, by her choosing a safe environmental for them to strive. Because it is trauma enough to not have their biological father.
I don't know of and have not heard of a man who is going to support three children from another marriage. I don't think a Muslim woman should divorcee her husband because he is not practicing that is entitled and selfish. The woman you are discussing needs to sacrifice for her children, why did she have them if she's not going to do that.
Thanks you Sister ❤️ U some much 🥰👏
Hi sister off topic but what kind of shurikens you recommend for beginners? Thank you 🙏🏼
Everyone’s journey is different…
Allah swt will look at your hardship and bless you better than the first marriage! This sister is chatting too much nonsense
Salaam alaykum sis, can we do something like for stepmother. I know a single sister being courted by a divorced man with kids. What's your advice for her.
Why doesn’t he marry a single mom? She should not take on that burden. Divorced men with kids prey on childless women bc they want a caregiver for their kids. She needs to marry a childless brother so she won’t be burdened looking after another sister’s kids. Any update on the situation? Did she marry him?
@@misscamara12 yes sister, she's married to him now. Thanks for the advice
@@aaeesha5864 Oh man. If I may ask, how old was she and how many kids did he have? Thanks for your answer.
@@misscamara12 sister any brother or sister can marry whoever they wish, so long the criteria is fulfilled as per Quran and Sunnah. You know misogyny or feminism is harram right?
@@akaz4546 What does my comment have to do with misogyny or feminism?
Maa Sha Allah 👏
I like this was "real" advice. Not the damaging fairytale nonsense often spouted.
I don't like what you are saying. Sorry it really upsets me.
You are right with the first part up until you started talking about how we need to compensate.
You can't live your life always on the egde.
The way you describe the second marriage sounds like it's easier to stay single. Really.
If I'm doing all the work outside home and inside and spend time with the kids alone is still easier than walking on eggshells trying to excuse the existence of two wonderful kids.
Let me tell you something:
Even if you never had any kids (and I was in that marriage at age 18 ) and you try to be perfect,
If the man is not serious or has irrational expectations about woman (from haram online experience) you can compensate yourself to the grave and when you're done they will just walk away.
And also if you are married to the kids father and he's not seeing the benefits he has from you ...
Than good luck compensating.
Good advice but very few sister would take it
Horrible advice So as someone who was adopted yeah man can absolutely love a child and invest in a child and support and be there and raise a child that is not there is the same as if it was. I will say one thing as someone who will convert to Islam I really don’t like the idea that adoption or adopted family isn’t your real family or that there’s no way someone could love adopted or foster children like their own.
You can't make someone blood related even if you feel like you are closer to them than a blood relation. Islam doesn't say a person can't love an adopted child and that's not what the sister was saying.
@@sunsetangel86 She was saying that a person could not love a child that was not theirs as if it were biologically theirs. She was saying men cannot do that and it’s rare if they do. Which is not true. And that if a man does that you should just be grateful
Alhamdulillah it is beautiful that you had a good adoption experience. The sister is trying to encourage sisters to work on their marriages before going for an “upgrade”. This advice comes from working with many families over many years, just like your opinion is based on your unique experience.
@@sarahschwarz9972 I didn’t have a good adoption experience I was literally abused by my adoptive mom.
@@sarahschwarz9972 Well while she’s warning woman not to upgrade she’s pushing women who are single mothers down
Any man who marries a woman and moves into her house, needs to have at least little studio or room on standby within 10-25 miles away from the wife’s house.
I don’t think it’s wise for him to do that in the first place. He should only marry if he can afford his own place. The wife should be moving into his home not the other way around.
@@misscamara12 I appreciate a response to my comment. But Sometimes the sister has Children from a previous marriage and she fills she is stable (kids in school, friends or family around etc) and does not want to move. The brother himself would have his children and he sees them at his place. So sister asks for the entire arrangement to be moved to her house and brother accepts. thats where the trouble starts.
All am saying is best for the brother to look after his wife with her children from the previous marriage at his place.
@@akaz4546 Yes I agree. I think that’s the best scenario.
I agree some of the stuff you said, but saying that the biological dad is very “responsible” lollllll😂😂😂
You are giving single mums no hope at all
That is so crazy that it’s inconceivable to you that someone could take in kids that were not theirs and it still be the same as if they are biologically theirs. I grew up in adopted circles I saw this all the time. Also if this is how it really is then let me never marry a man that doesn’t have kids. And if it’s still like this if men have kids then let me never marry anyone. What you’re describing is so toxic and so narrow minded I am shocked. Jaw to the floor.
_Wait until you smell the coffee! It's coming to a Theater near you!_
@@seekfactsnotfiction9056 ?
Sister don't be discouraged. You find a husband that appreciates you and is willing to work on the situation with you. You appreciate him in the same way and build something together as a team. Trust in Allah and build the character in you that you are seeking in a future husband. Don't let yourself feel negative.
@@ZM-et7zt Well when she’s telling me that I have to basically be a slave Kind of hard to stay positive. Overcompensate? Have sex even when I don’t want to? you don’t see how that’s not healthy or toxic?
@Waqqas Ah yes such a kind thing to say. Surely the kind words you’ve said to me are what the community needs.
Aouzibillah 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I am man and this is true . The new man will bon ur kids and if he goes the kids will fill and him too
pah, didn't do anything for the kids and as for me, I was just a sex slave..
Waaaw