Your love of life has an adjective in Norwegian (and probably Danish, too)! We'd say "Arthur er så livsglad!" which would translate to "Arthur is so life happy!" to describe this exuberant joy for life that you've got 😄 I'm pre-transition. 29 years old. I don't think anyone, ever, have described me as "life happy". I have no idea what that would feel like. I wouldn't say I'm pessimistic. I feel gratitude and appreciation, but those are always small, quiet feelings. A content sigh for the silence of the heavy snowfall, a little laugh as I snuggle my dog. Never outright joy, or glee. It is the kind of appreciation that one feels as a coping mechanism, in leu of a real love for life. It brings me comfort to know that you are the kind of person who feels this happy about being alive. That might sound strange, but it's how I feel.
Like your boyfriend, I’ve had these thoughts since I was very young-probably around 8-but my worst existential crisis came when I was 19. I spent months in bed crying until I had no tears left, and I would just lie still, unable to move. I stopped going to university and felt as though I would never be happy again. I talked to my mum, who told me she had been through the same thing (we both have a history of depression, so we’re probably genetically predisposed). My dad didn’t bat an eye. He said he felt sad for me but couldn’t understand why I worried about these things. His own concern is that in his old age, he might become disabled and a burden to the family. He’s even told us he would prefer to die if he ever became severely disabled. I’m agnostic, and I think exactly like you about there being no afterlife. I also get depressed thinking about the Sun and Earth eventually dying. But something that helps me is the law of conservation of matter. I know it’s strange, but knowing that matter can neither be created nor destroyed reminds me that my atoms will return to the universe and become part of it. It’s like my adult version of The Lion King’s “Circle of Life,” but extending beyond life to encompass the entire universe. Another thing that helps me, in the realm of physics, is cosmology. We don’t even know if time is linear, circular, or something else entirely. We experience time as linear because we’re bound to it, but the universe itself might not be. That means our atoms might not be bound to it either.
Ohhh lordy. I went through this exact thing at 15. I've never heard someone describe this experience so exactly. I was worried that I'd never be able to live my life without extreme existential fear again, but I can confirm, at 25 even after experiencing a boatload of horrible trauma and loss, I am not generally existential, and haven't been for many years. I think finding out I have OCD helped, because I learned that my head just likes to torture me sometimes, and I don't need to take it too seriously. All that to say, I hope you feel better soon Arthur! In my experience this feeling is temporary, it really fucking sucks!!!! But there's an end point, where things start feeling normal again.
OCD made this pretty torturous for me as well. It was like an intrusive and cyclical thought. Totally sticky and without any solution. Eventually I came to the same conclusion as Arthur's partner, that I am not going to experience death because I won't be existing to experience anything, so I don't need to worry about it so much. Losing people is hard but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
My 25th birthday was a day I remember very well. I was depressed, and very sad about reaching what I considered an advanced age. I eventually got busier and got over that feeling. But that was almost FIFTY years ago and I'm NOW experiencing what you are feeling about life and the specter of mortality. I don't know if EVERYONE wrestles with this but many of us do. I wrestle with this every single day, and then I get on with the business of living. Do the best you can, Arthur to enjoy your life. *By the way, I don't believe that consciousness ends at death and then as spiritual beings we move on to our next body. But somehow I don't find that very comforting as even as an old guy, because I do not yet want to move on from this life.
It's not stupid, man. I think this is the most human thing you could experience. Everyone faces their mortality at some point and no matter what you believe, it's scary! So don't give yourself such a hard time for this. 🫂
I think existential answers should be sought and discovered by each person to their own understanding. For me, I’m someone who spent most of his life feeling constant existential dread/pain, hit rock bottom in alcoholism, worked a ton of shit out and had a spiritual experience through 12-step work, came out, started transitioning, and now actually has sustained and accessible inner peace for the first time ever. These experiences have taught me that my life feels most meaningful and I feel most self-actualized when I’m being helpful to others. To me, the ability to use my experiences (good and bad) to help others is the meaning of life. Your videos, while not spiritual in content, honestly gave me the spiritual assurance that I was on the right path in pursuing transition. Because when I heard you describe your life and how happy and peaceful you felt having come into yourself through transition, I knew that I wanted what you have. It’s unfortunately rare (though understandable given the political climate) to hear other trans people radiate the happiness and peace that you do, but your voice was a crucial one for me. I was able to share your videos with some important people in my life and say “when I say I want to transition, THIS is what I mean. I want the joy he has.” So by my assessment, you’re already living the meaning of life. You’ve helped me more than you can know, and I’m just some random guy! From the sound of it, I’m far from the only one. Idk what happens when we die, but I do know what happens when you close up and live in fear and darkness all the time. I think you’re very much on the right path. ❤
I also lost my grandfather a few months ago, and then recently, very suddenly, I lost a parent. Those events ended up triggering an existential crisis for me too. These things are hard to think about, especially when you have a very analytical and rational approach. The metaphysical is so slippery and nebulous. I think about the passage of time often, usually with some degree of horror (various life events have caused me to feel like some years of my life were genuinely wasted), but I am learning to make peace with it. Thank you for your honesty. I do find some comfort in the knowledge that this is in many ways a universal human struggle. Thank you for all you do, Arthur. You’ve given me a lot of strength and courage in my own transition. You are very appreciated and what you’re doing is really valuable. No amount of time passing will ever make all the love you’ve put out into the world any less meaningful, nor will it erase how many people you’ve helped on your journey.
It's a bit crazy to hear you've been going through this since for the past few months I've been basically grappling with the same existential crisis with a shared outlook about the afterlife being essentially nothing lol. It's nice to hear it with your characteristic positivism and that this is apparently something most people go through since I haven't really talked about it with the people around me. Glad to hear you've been surfing through it and are getting back on your feet, though obviously these things take time. Thank you for making this video! It made me feel a little less lonely in this :-)
I'm so happy you're back. I'm pretransition transfem and I also think transitioning is a very beautiful thing. I almost want to show that clip to my parents and say "THIS is why I want to transition"
This is a beautiful video, it really moved me. Before my father died I was very spiritual, I wasn't religious but I believed in many things such as reincarnation, destiny, life paths, past lives etc. It was my way of soothing myself about death. My parents were old so it was a fact they would die earlier than others. When he died all this melted away from me, the material nature of death punched me right in the face and I was winded for a very long time. I had 0 belief in anything spiritual, I knew that those things kept me in place before but I couldn't believe them if I tried. Those things gave order to my life, and now there was nothing to hold onto, I was impermanent and when I looked closer so was literally everything. I was very humbled by this. I went through many stages of accepting this, I stressed about not having anything great to put on my gravestone, I stressed about who woudl go to my funeral, I stressed about whether my life was for nothing. I was clinging onto things that I felt might make me permanent, like gravestones, memories, accomplishments. But in the end I knew nothing would give me that delusion. Sometimes the things I considered were so wide and just so completely beyond anything I could control, like the sun dying, that I could not see the wood for the trees. I really wanted to find some universal truth to comfort me, but nothing came up. However one day I remembered my thoughts and feelings about infinity as a kid and teen. I used to love infinity, I wanted to die knowing that there were many many more things to learn, that things were bigger than me, and that dying would mean I would melt into all of it and become indistinguishable. At the time the thought was exhilirating and made me love life. This was what a lot of my mystic beliefs were built on. Now I was terrified by infinity, and I think that said something about my fear of death. I think the thing that helped me a lot was trying to find some scientific truth in my mystic beliefs I held before, seeing as I couldn't actually believe in any deities or magical or spiritual forces. I also investigated humanity through anthropology, religion, politics, folklore. I looked at religions and saw how they overlapped, noting how people had observed and felt similar things. I became interested in a lot of different things, and I have a sense of myself as 1 in a long long line of ancestors. I think about who these people were, what they did, thought, felt. I'm the one who gets to live now, and I feel so so lucky that I get to do all the things I do! My partner sometimes makes grim jokes about death, we both have a grim sense of humour, but I always say that I don't want to die because then I wouldn't get to paint and I have so much painting to do! I'm not working on my stuff because I want to make a legacy, but because this is the only time I get to do it, and although I do want to die some day and I want to know what its like, right now I can't think of anything more boring than being dead (not that I'll experience that but still!). Death is an amazing thing, an experience we only get once, I wonder sometimes how death was for my father, how precious it is to die. I am not afraid of infinity, but I do make my life small and fill it with things that have meaning. I am a lot more shrewd about what I actually want and what I enjoy. I know infinity is out there, but I don't really need to concentrate on it. I think about it and it will never not make me feel the sublime, it will always be there, and always inspire these feelings I can not run away from, but now it is something i can live along side rather than fighting against. Anyway it took some years and a lot of processing to get here, and I doubt it will be the last of it, but that's life!
I have had really bad existential crisis after my mom died 2 years ago and also when i thought i was gonna die because of my anorexia. It still hasn't ended, but listening books about philosophy has helped me a lot. Also talking with my dad or someone else, watching something nostalgic, walking in the forest and breathing techniques have been helpful.
I think when you have been through a long-term difficult early life experience you can become so appreciative and joyful at what you have now that there comes a fear about it ending whereas people who experienced a more stable start to life are less thankful and feel less pressure about it ending as this is base-line life to them. Idk if that makes sense.
I went to catholic school growing up, and so i believed in heaven and all that. As a kid I’d lie awake in bed crying because i was SO scared of living forever in heaven. I’d get so nauseous thinking about how this just will never, ever end. As I got older I stopped believing in God and heaven, and I would start lying in bed awake at night terrified of dying and having everything end haha. Nowadays, I don’t feel as existential, but I catch it in the back of my mind every once in a while. When the feeling comes, I take it as a reminder to keep enjoying life and the people and world around me. And i try to think about little me, terrified of never dying, and how that wouldn’t be so great either.
This was really helpful for me, thank you for sharing. I never had any existential dread around mortality when I was younger, but now in my thirties I do a lot, and that had been confusing me. But your video made me realise that until my thirties I was in fight or flight coping mode, so no wonder existential dread didn't make sense to me. I just wanted time to go faster, as you said. Now I'm happier, calmer, and know who I am, I've been hit with a pent up wall of it. So helpful to understand that, thank you.
First off, you are a fantastic creator Arthur. I really appreciate you making such a vulnerable video and opening up some of your insecurities with your audience. I have found that when we get things off of our mind, in a responsible way, we are able to get them out from banging around inside our own heads. Getting these thoughts out of ourselves can help us to process them, especially when we see that others are dealing with the same kinds of issues. I'm sure members of your audience, including myself, can relate to these feelings you are having. These concerns you are having, as you said, are ones that everyone at some point in their life will encounter. We all hit them at different times in our lives, and sometimes they return during certain difficult periods. You are not alone. You are not the first person to go through this, you are not the only person going through this, and you will not be the last. I say this not to invalidate your feelings, but to contextualize them. Something that I fall back on in moments like these, is worrying about and fearing the future can lead you to losing your enjoyment of the present. Also, our initial or current perceptions of something are not always our permanent perception. So while currently these thoughts are bringing you dread or anxiety, eventually you may be able to be at peace with them. Give yourself grace. You do not have to have all of the answers now. Personally, I like to try and take advantage of the time I have now as opposed to worrying about the time I will lose. This goes for my abilities as well. I try my best to enjoy every moment I have with someone, that way when that relationship eventually ends, then I can at least look back and be glad that I have no regrets. I wish you the best of luck. Take care of yourself. Again, you are a fantastic creator. Stay strong, Stay hopeful, Stay safe, Stay Queer 🌈🏳⚧
Thank you so much for this content Arthur 🖤 I am a newer subscriber and your videos/approach really helped me make the decision to start T last october. It’s been a difficult journey so far, but it feels so nice to hear a fellow 26 year old transmasc who’s a bit further down the path than me. Shit sucks right now, and it helps me a lot to look forward to when they might suck a bit less, and maybe even appreciate the journey once in a while, too 🖤
You remind me so much of my old English teacher!!! Thank you for being gorgeous and motivating me as another trans guy, it's nice to know that bliss is possible for us. 💖💖💖
S'up! I'm trans FtM, too! But I'm 30. A bit older than you but in this case, it might be a good thing for ya! My mom died two years ago. I had top surgery five years ago. It's a weird feeling when someone you want to live and see how much better your life can become just passes away like that. My mom was in decline for half a year. We knew it was coming up because of complications brought about from CoVid infections... But knowing it was coming didn't stop the existential angst. I dunno what exactly to tell you but these things you rambled about are things a lot of people go through! Even with the trans status! I can see the nervous tension in your shoulders still, man! Breathe! Stretch! I look forward to hearing more from ya in the future.
happy new year arthur! absolutely adored hearing about your grandfather and then your personal experience that followed. sometimes when you talked about it, I noticed having this experience seems to make you feel shameful in some way - but maybe its just your overabundance in caution to make sure we know your words come from a place of being humble! but even if you didn't clarify how your crisis isn't a novel one, i don't think any of what you said could ever come across as like what you think the audience would perceive like.. "ah, i'm a genius! the first who ever thought of such a thing! what comes after death!" but maybe it's my own bias who makes me see this as very human and natural and incredibly interesting and amazing to hear! when we talk about stuff like this, something we all will go through, it feels like in some ways I'm looking at a mirror, even if our thought processes and experiences surrounding death are unique to us. I feel lucky to be able to listen! (now my fear of judgment of will lead me to a disclaimer that I am just some random human who by no means is claiming sage ~wisdom~, its just my personal discoveries that I don't think are True or Fact yet is meaningful to me because I value paradoxes: my ongoing journey of trying to figure out who "I" am, what is the self, led me to the belief that "I" am within everything there ever was and will be. And I accidentally found spirituality and a way of processing death in this way! there is perceived separateness and it makes total sense! but when i broke things down- including my own consciousness during meditations- its hard to find where "you" reside. it was very haunting to realize "I" do not reside even in my thoughts or emotions but in the one who experiences them. (and then the cosmic horror infinity mirror of the one who observes the one observing the thoughts LOL) but eventually I reached the conclusion: i feel completely whole and yet a part of something. i'm made of SO MANY moving parts and systems inside "my" body- i make up moving parts and systems as a human person in a society, i make up the time and space I reside in, i'm a part of nature, i'm apart of earth, apart of the solar ~system~- even the Sun is a part of something- it just keeps going both into space and into atoms. so when I die, I'm basically shedding my role as an observer. I stop being the universe experiencing itself- but I will never fully be "gone". literally in nature, but also beyond that. i don't think I'm unique in this perspective despite feeling slightly deranged.. but felt compelled to share! )
Arthur i enjoy hearing your point of view on death, or just hearing you speak and analyse the things around you and i think thats comforting… like actually hearing how you feel makes it easier to understand you and what you believe. I, myself, am not religious but i would say im “spiritual” so i believe in souls and all the jazz, so hearing how you process how to deal with the idea of you mortality as someone who doesn’t fully believe in all of that is so interesting to me!! so please keep making videos about everything you want to talk about :))
I know what people said about being connected to the earth might not have helped you but the idea of being connected to outer space has helped me. A lot of people think of space as something that surrounds us instead of realizing that we are space. We’re swimming in it like every other planet and our planet is so cool that it gave birth to beings that can observe it. One day all of the light in outer space will die out too but it’s such an incomprehensible distance away and space is so unknown and unpredictable that anything could happen after that.
Its always so interesting to hear what causes people existential end of life crisis moments and where their thoughts go. I actually take a lot of comfort in knowing that nothing is forever and that even the sun will die. Its sad but beautiful and i think that thought helps me think about the moment right here and now and not worry so much about the end of my life. Actually the most recent existential crisis I've had is about the decision to transition. Im in my 30s and i was feeling extremely nervous about moving forward before the u.s. election. And when the worst possible scenario happened i ended up deciding to move forward anyways because i just couldn't imagine reaching the end of my life and not at least trying and seeing how i felt on testosterone. Even 4 years felt like an extremely long time that i think i would regret. Anyways, i hope you are feeling better. I always enjoy your positivity. I only recently found your channel, and just want to say that your videos have been a massive help in that decision making process, especially your journaling videos.
Hey, thank you for this! FWIW, I'm in my 40s and still occasionally have a flash of, "Oh, shit- someday, I'm going to die!" I cope with it by trying to maximize my life experiences and make my life count for something in terms of the positive influence that I can have on other people and the world. I'm Jewish, and the Jewish perspective on death and what happens after you die tends to be, "We don't know, and anyway, who really cares? Worry about what you're doing now, today, in your current life, that's what matters," which I think is a pretty healthy approach. There are some things you just... can't know. Not that that stops me from occasionally spinning out, but it usually helps to bring me back from existential crisis central. I agree that the narrative that sometimes prevails in trans spaces of, "Everything my life pre-transition was awful, I regret every second I spent not transitioning," is often oversimplified, and as someone who transitioned later, it doesn't really reflect my experiences. Sure, I wish I had transitioned earlier, but I also had a pretty cool life pre-transition. The person I was did a lot of cool stuff, had a lot of meaningful experiences, and I can't regret that. If I hadn't had those experiences, maybe I would never have had the nerve to transition. I don't think you can necessarily break your life up into pieces that way, or at least I can't.
Hey, honestly hope this helps: Think of where you want to be in 5 years time while also balancing the need for occasional levity so that you actually have fun or physically feel good about yourself. Broaden your horizons with travel, volunteering or new trying new hobbies and activities. Make daily steps towards your long term goals. Recognize the underpinnings or emotional yearnings that prompt your thought processes on philosophical questions. Faith isn't only for the religious, belief from an emotional perspective is something we place in people, institutions, our own ability to grow, our endeavors or whatever we try to build or raise. Being trans is just a building block in us figuring out who we are and the impact we leave on this world as human beings. Joy for life is best propped up by fulfillment and confidence meaning that, whether you lived for another thousand years or another 10 minutes, you made the most of the time you had and you have no regrets so death is inconsequential to you. I wish I could write more and I wish I could help more but I truly wish you the best of luck figuring everything out Arthur.
Yeah there's nothing wrong with having an existential crisis as an adult, it's about life stage not age. Actually this video made me realise something about my own experience with it and how it fits in the bigger picture. Storytime - I had a big existential crisis at 16, after I first realised I was trans and then went into denial in a span of a few months. I guess it came from feeling purposeless, having lost that feeling of certainty and hope I had from realising my gender and wanting to transition. I got obsessed with spirituality, like the idea that god lives inside everyone, that your physical body isn't really you (a convenient line for coping with dysphoria), and that material reality is an illusion to overcome. I snapped out of it, but the feeling that there was more to life than simply the material aspects, and that something greater was yet to come, kept recurring for years. Now I've started transitioning, I don't get that anymore. It's like life is enough now and I feel more free to take action and do things. It's still early days and I still have a ton of dysphoria, but the empty yearning feeling I used to have went away.
Life isn't linear eh. Things can be improving overall even if some devastating things happened. Some of the bad things may be related to what's improving life, some might be completely unrelated. Not existing anymore is is a weird concept to wrap one's head around. Even if it's not a new conundrum, it's certainly not a stupid to be stumped by it. I think therefore I am, so how can one think about _not_ being, without some mental gymnastics? Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I'm glad you found a perspective that lets you continute to love life, and find a deeper meaning :)
arthur this is such a great video. similarly, ive been settling into my trans identity in more integrative ways. I feel like a person as any other, and i feel a newfound joy for life! ive been finding comfort in spirituality as my grandparents have passed over the years, and ive been recconnecting to my indigenous heritage through this as well. ive been finding a lot of comfort in the idea that one day I will return to the Earth and that I hope that nature will be blessed with my corpse, as weird as that sounds haha! I want to live on in people's memories, sure, but I find so much comfort knowing I meet the same end everything else does, and for my body to return to its original form, which is nature! it's made me love the nature I see around me, from the birds to the trees and the rivers around my home. I grew up religious but not subscribing to it, and so I don't connect much to the idea that I'll see someone once I pass, or even a greater being. That'd be cool if thats what happens, but I know for sure that returning to the Earth will be part of that journey into death. Be well, and continue finding that love you spoke so beautifully about in this video
Thanks for sharing, Arthur. As lots of other commenters have said, very relatable. I’m actually going through something similar because my dad has to get brain surgery. So hearing you discuss this was comforting to me. I hope you’re taking care of yourself.
I know you strive not to generalize your pre and post transition experience as entirely “not meaningful” and “meaningful”, but this video really resonated with me along those lines. In the sense that my entire early transition brain space was devoted to transition. Now that I’ve exited that first stage, life feels new and so much space has opened up for human things, rather than exclusively trans things, like the meaning of life and death you refer to here haha. To boot, I don’t think it was until transition I really felt these things viscerally. When I try to explain it to people I always use the phrase “like a human being”- that I didn’t really feel like a human being until transition, and now I feel very actualized and physical, with solid outlines and the ability to interact with and react to the world around me in a way beyond the intellectual. Not just a brain in a jar, but a body. I think a combination of these things- more brain space after early transition and the realness of post transition life- have made me more open to questions like the ones you discuss here than I have been at other points in my life, though I know that may not be your experience. I think though that lots of life transitions beyond gender can result in this sort of transformation (sort of like your dad’s experience)- a common theme that I have found in your videos, that so much of the trans experience is just a sort of refracted generalized “human experience” (the struggle to be known authentically, what it means to live a life worth living, what it means to fight for what feels real)
Thanks for your reflections, Arthur. I didn't figure out what my life was about until rather recently, but now I feel very strongly that it has a purpose -- one which is not intellectual, or even social, exactly, or even spiritual, but ethical: it's about striving to do what is right. And so, striving to be good. I have come to think that there's nothing more extraordinary about human beings than our capacity to experience moral compulsion; everything else is eligible for simulation, it seems, increasingly. But that mysterious feeling of moral responsibility -- that something is incumbent upon us, even if it is completely unselfish, and even if it may ultimately help no one at all -- is irreducibly human. It's not just internalized shame, it's not just the anticipation of judgment from others, it's not just hope in eventual benefit to ourselves or our immediate communities. We are all capable of those thought processes, too, of course, but I know that genuine moral calling feels quite different, and it comes from a different place: reasoning about what is right. About the laws that govern, or ought to govern, the living world. Whether or not one chooses to ascribe these laws to God, as the religious do, or to an order of norms implicit within nature itself, as the philosophers do, is really no concern of mine, because it all amounts to the same thing -- which is a life in service of what we all know, and reason, and feel to be good.
You're awesome Arthur! The Trans hope videos are a really thoughtful idea too. I liked hearing your thoughts on your existential crisis and death and about the sun eventually dying (I almost forgot that the sun will eventually explode! made me chuckle a little). I remember when I first became boyfriends with my partner a year ago and taking a step back and thinking 'oh boy, I really don't want to leave this earth I have so much to do here!'. Connecting with other trans friends over hard times has also been really meaningful for me too. I feel very grateful that I have a lot of hope and love in my life. I will continue to share this on where I can. I love your videos and your style of videos. I don't know how to explain it, but I definitely feel very thoughtful and accepting after watching them!
Congratulations, Arthur, on being at a good place now in your life. I think pretty much everything you said here is valid. I want to point out what you know very well, that there are multiple transitions in any life. For you, the two most obvious transitions are your gender transition and your transition from pre-graduate-school to a post-graduate future. I think for both of those transitions, your case has been a clear success. There are different ways to measure and evaluate things, and I think in most normal ways of looking at each, they have been very favorable and beneficial for you, and you have done the "right" things. However, I will add that if you had not done one or both of those transitions in some alternate reality, while that would look sad from our point of view in this world, in that world you would still be living life with some bits of happiness and success. And other people who choose not to do such transitions, or who are somehow not able to do those transitions are also people who have some success and happiness in their lives. So, while I think you took the best paths for you, those weren't the only paths with good things in them. Also, most human experience is with situations where human decisions cause things to happen, so it is natural for us to first try to interpret everything from the point of view of it having been caused by some being with purpose who made deliberate choices (hence theism). But from a broader view, it is not necessary to assume that events are supposed to have some meaning or purpose, other than the meanings and purposes which we create for ourselves during our own lives. That is, as you know, the "meaning" and validity of the events of your life (or anyone's life) is not up to some outside observer(s) passing judgment. It is for you to create, and for you to evaluate. So it's OK that one can't make an explicit proof of meaning or significance. It is up to everyone to make their own life more meaningful to themselves, and to realize that this is what they are doing. So I think this video validates your success in that area. Good luck and congratulations.
First let me say: It's good to hear from you again. Second: I'm sorry you're dealing with this particular crisis. As you said, it's a common thing. That does not actually make it easier to come to terms with on a one-to-one basis. I hope you're able to grasp what you need to deal with it without too much distress. Sometimes I wish I had advice to give folks who struggle with it, but I'm the odd exception to the rule. I don't remember ever struggling with it, fearing it, etc. Whether there is more to experience after my last breath or not, I know that it will happen. It is inevitable. And somehow, I find that in and of itself brings me peace. I no longer yearn for it, as I did at one time, but it does not intimidate me. I wish for you (everyone who reads this) to find your peace as well.
Literally perfect timing, I discovered this channel a while ago and binnged most of your videos and was waiting for you to upload, I agree with alot of the points you make and its like you're verbalizing my thoughts, you Literally fill me with so much hope, and you helped know so much more about myself so thank you❤
I’m glad you felt up to recording for us! No matter what you’re feeling I hope you know that the most important thing is to take care of yourself and your peace. I’ve really appreciated your videos and perspective, but if it ever gets to be a stressor, please allow yourself all the time you need, whether that’s a few months or a few years 💛 I’ve been experiencing my own existential crisis over the past couple years (after admitting my dysphoria to myself) and it takes a lot of energy! It’s a job to be so overwhelmed by one’s own thoughts. Knowing that I’m autistic and finding out how autistic rumination and ocd play into my mental health have been so helpful in giving myself peace, but I still wish it for everyone. It’s a lot to feel responsible for oneself and everything. Here’s to the new year being a season of positive growth for all of us!
just started the video and just gonna chime in that I myself am in a very tricky part of being in grad school. and yet I am so happy with my life and my choice to be a grad student and the friends I've made. and it freaks me out a little how much of grad school has happened already. solidarity
i missed you so much, im so glad you're here again talking about your experience! you're so strong, cool and wise.. and i get your feelings and thoughts as well. i also love being alive and i think that life is priceless! i saw a comment saying that there's a word for people like us in norwegian, and there's a word that means 'life happy' in russian as well - жизнерадостный. anyway, thank you for your videos, i'll be waiting for more
I feel like I’ve been having an existential crisis for awhile now. I’m mostly scared that I won’t live till old age because of climate change. I want kids in my future but i don’t know if I can justify bringing kids into the world when I don’t think that they would get to live very long. I just get so down in the dumps and feel so hopeless
you keep saying that since so many people have had this crisis, that means it isn’t that novel or interesting but although it certainly isn’t novel, I would reframe by recognizing that BECAUSE so many people throughout history have had this crisis it actually does make it quite profound - don’t belittle yourself for exploring something just because you think it’s been “done” - often there is more there
A great book for sciencey logical people, to answer questions like ‘why are we conscious?’ is by Physicist Tom Campbell, called ‘My Big Toe’. TOE standing for ‘Theory of Everything’. Highly recommend 😊
Don't freak out because bad times happen post transition! Bad things happen in life, illness, divorce etc. Or think that an existential crisis is a one time thing! It was so weird to be post transition and have normal people problems now...wait a minute?...I thought you just transitioned and lived happily ever after??...
Your love of life has an adjective in Norwegian (and probably Danish, too)! We'd say "Arthur er så livsglad!" which would translate to "Arthur is so life happy!" to describe this exuberant joy for life that you've got 😄
I'm pre-transition. 29 years old. I don't think anyone, ever, have described me as "life happy". I have no idea what that would feel like. I wouldn't say I'm pessimistic. I feel gratitude and appreciation, but those are always small, quiet feelings. A content sigh for the silence of the heavy snowfall, a little laugh as I snuggle my dog. Never outright joy, or glee. It is the kind of appreciation that one feels as a coping mechanism, in leu of a real love for life.
It brings me comfort to know that you are the kind of person who feels this happy about being alive. That might sound strange, but it's how I feel.
Like your boyfriend, I’ve had these thoughts since I was very young-probably around 8-but my worst existential crisis came when I was 19. I spent months in bed crying until I had no tears left, and I would just lie still, unable to move. I stopped going to university and felt as though I would never be happy again. I talked to my mum, who told me she had been through the same thing (we both have a history of depression, so we’re probably genetically predisposed). My dad didn’t bat an eye. He said he felt sad for me but couldn’t understand why I worried about these things. His own concern is that in his old age, he might become disabled and a burden to the family. He’s even told us he would prefer to die if he ever became severely disabled.
I’m agnostic, and I think exactly like you about there being no afterlife. I also get depressed thinking about the Sun and Earth eventually dying. But something that helps me is the law of conservation of matter. I know it’s strange, but knowing that matter can neither be created nor destroyed reminds me that my atoms will return to the universe and become part of it. It’s like my adult version of The Lion King’s “Circle of Life,” but extending beyond life to encompass the entire universe.
Another thing that helps me, in the realm of physics, is cosmology. We don’t even know if time is linear, circular, or something else entirely. We experience time as linear because we’re bound to it, but the universe itself might not be. That means our atoms might not be bound to it either.
Oh my gosh, i’m so glad to see i’m not the only one using the law of conservation of matter as a crutch 😭 brains are so funny
Ohhh lordy. I went through this exact thing at 15. I've never heard someone describe this experience so exactly.
I was worried that I'd never be able to live my life without extreme existential fear again, but I can confirm, at 25 even after experiencing a boatload of horrible trauma and loss, I am not generally existential, and haven't been for many years.
I think finding out I have OCD helped, because I learned that my head just likes to torture me sometimes, and I don't need to take it too seriously.
All that to say, I hope you feel better soon Arthur! In my experience this feeling is temporary, it really fucking sucks!!!! But there's an end point, where things start feeling normal again.
OCD made this pretty torturous for me as well. It was like an intrusive and cyclical thought. Totally sticky and without any solution. Eventually I came to the same conclusion as Arthur's partner, that I am not going to experience death because I won't be existing to experience anything, so I don't need to worry about it so much. Losing people is hard but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
My 25th birthday was a day I remember very well. I was depressed, and very sad about reaching what I considered an advanced age. I eventually got busier and got over that feeling. But that was almost FIFTY years ago and I'm NOW experiencing what you are feeling about life and the specter of mortality. I don't know if EVERYONE wrestles with this but many of us do. I wrestle with this every single day, and then I get on with the business of living. Do the best you can, Arthur to enjoy your life. *By the way, I don't believe that consciousness ends at death and then as spiritual beings we move on to our next body. But somehow I don't find that very comforting as even as an old guy, because I do not yet want to move on from this life.
It's not stupid, man. I think this is the most human thing you could experience. Everyone faces their mortality at some point and no matter what you believe, it's scary! So don't give yourself such a hard time for this. 🫂
I think existential answers should be sought and discovered by each person to their own understanding.
For me, I’m someone who spent most of his life feeling constant existential dread/pain, hit rock bottom in alcoholism, worked a ton of shit out and had a spiritual experience through 12-step work, came out, started transitioning, and now actually has sustained and accessible inner peace for the first time ever. These experiences have taught me that my life feels most meaningful and I feel most self-actualized when I’m being helpful to others. To me, the ability to use my experiences (good and bad) to help others is the meaning of life.
Your videos, while not spiritual in content, honestly gave me the spiritual assurance that I was on the right path in pursuing transition. Because when I heard you describe your life and how happy and peaceful you felt having come into yourself through transition, I knew that I wanted what you have.
It’s unfortunately rare (though understandable given the political climate) to hear other trans people radiate the happiness and peace that you do, but your voice was a crucial one for me. I was able to share your videos with some important people in my life and say “when I say I want to transition, THIS is what I mean. I want the joy he has.”
So by my assessment, you’re already living the meaning of life. You’ve helped me more than you can know, and I’m just some random guy! From the sound of it, I’m far from the only one.
Idk what happens when we die, but I do know what happens when you close up and live in fear and darkness all the time. I think you’re very much on the right path. ❤
I haven't seen this vid yet (obviously) but I just read the title as I'm currently in tears, asking everyone how they're able to cope with death 😭😭🤣🤣🤣
Yup been there 😭
I also lost my grandfather a few months ago, and then recently, very suddenly, I lost a parent. Those events ended up triggering an existential crisis for me too. These things are hard to think about, especially when you have a very analytical and rational approach. The metaphysical is so slippery and nebulous.
I think about the passage of time often, usually with some degree of horror (various life events have caused me to feel like some years of my life were genuinely wasted), but I am learning to make peace with it. Thank you for your honesty. I do find some comfort in the knowledge that this is in many ways a universal human struggle.
Thank you for all you do, Arthur. You’ve given me a lot of strength and courage in my own transition. You are very appreciated and what you’re doing is really valuable. No amount of time passing will ever make all the love you’ve put out into the world any less meaningful, nor will it erase how many people you’ve helped on your journey.
It's a bit crazy to hear you've been going through this since for the past few months I've been basically grappling with the same existential crisis with a shared outlook about the afterlife being essentially nothing lol. It's nice to hear it with your characteristic positivism and that this is apparently something most people go through since I haven't really talked about it with the people around me. Glad to hear you've been surfing through it and are getting back on your feet, though obviously these things take time. Thank you for making this video! It made me feel a little less lonely in this :-)
I'm so happy you're back. I'm pretransition transfem and I also think transitioning is a very beautiful thing. I almost want to show that clip to my parents and say "THIS is why I want to transition"
This is a beautiful video, it really moved me.
Before my father died I was very spiritual, I wasn't religious but I believed in many things such as reincarnation, destiny, life paths, past lives etc. It was my way of soothing myself about death. My parents were old so it was a fact they would die earlier than others. When he died all this melted away from me, the material nature of death punched me right in the face and I was winded for a very long time. I had 0 belief in anything spiritual, I knew that those things kept me in place before but I couldn't believe them if I tried. Those things gave order to my life, and now there was nothing to hold onto, I was impermanent and when I looked closer so was literally everything. I was very humbled by this. I went through many stages of accepting this, I stressed about not having anything great to put on my gravestone, I stressed about who woudl go to my funeral, I stressed about whether my life was for nothing. I was clinging onto things that I felt might make me permanent, like gravestones, memories, accomplishments. But in the end I knew nothing would give me that delusion. Sometimes the things I considered were so wide and just so completely beyond anything I could control, like the sun dying, that I could not see the wood for the trees. I really wanted to find some universal truth to comfort me, but nothing came up. However one day I remembered my thoughts and feelings about infinity as a kid and teen. I used to love infinity, I wanted to die knowing that there were many many more things to learn, that things were bigger than me, and that dying would mean I would melt into all of it and become indistinguishable. At the time the thought was exhilirating and made me love life. This was what a lot of my mystic beliefs were built on. Now I was terrified by infinity, and I think that said something about my fear of death.
I think the thing that helped me a lot was trying to find some scientific truth in my mystic beliefs I held before, seeing as I couldn't actually believe in any deities or magical or spiritual forces. I also investigated humanity through anthropology, religion, politics, folklore. I looked at religions and saw how they overlapped, noting how people had observed and felt similar things. I became interested in a lot of different things, and I have a sense of myself as 1 in a long long line of ancestors. I think about who these people were, what they did, thought, felt. I'm the one who gets to live now, and I feel so so lucky that I get to do all the things I do! My partner sometimes makes grim jokes about death, we both have a grim sense of humour, but I always say that I don't want to die because then I wouldn't get to paint and I have so much painting to do! I'm not working on my stuff because I want to make a legacy, but because this is the only time I get to do it, and although I do want to die some day and I want to know what its like, right now I can't think of anything more boring than being dead (not that I'll experience that but still!). Death is an amazing thing, an experience we only get once, I wonder sometimes how death was for my father, how precious it is to die.
I am not afraid of infinity, but I do make my life small and fill it with things that have meaning. I am a lot more shrewd about what I actually want and what I enjoy. I know infinity is out there, but I don't really need to concentrate on it. I think about it and it will never not make me feel the sublime, it will always be there, and always inspire these feelings I can not run away from, but now it is something i can live along side rather than fighting against. Anyway it took some years and a lot of processing to get here, and I doubt it will be the last of it, but that's life!
I have had really bad existential crisis after my mom died 2 years ago and also when i thought i was gonna die because of my anorexia. It still hasn't ended, but listening books about philosophy has helped me a lot. Also talking with my dad or someone else, watching something nostalgic, walking in the forest and breathing techniques have been helpful.
I think when you have been through a long-term difficult early life experience you can become so appreciative and joyful at what you have now that there comes a fear about it ending whereas people who experienced a more stable start to life are less thankful and feel less pressure about it ending as this is base-line life to them. Idk if that makes sense.
Thanks for talking about this Arthur, I've been having a lot of similar thoughts recently.
I went to catholic school growing up, and so i believed in heaven and all that. As a kid I’d lie awake in bed crying because i was SO scared of living forever in heaven. I’d get so nauseous thinking about how this just will never, ever end. As I got older I stopped believing in God and heaven, and I would start lying in bed awake at night terrified of dying and having everything end haha. Nowadays, I don’t feel as existential, but I catch it in the back of my mind every once in a while. When the feeling comes, I take it as a reminder to keep enjoying life and the people and world around me. And i try to think about little me, terrified of never dying, and how that wouldn’t be so great either.
Thank you for sharing this. This is so relatable, I went through something similar a few months ago
This was really helpful for me, thank you for sharing. I never had any existential dread around mortality when I was younger, but now in my thirties I do a lot, and that had been confusing me. But your video made me realise that until my thirties I was in fight or flight coping mode, so no wonder existential dread didn't make sense to me. I just wanted time to go faster, as you said. Now I'm happier, calmer, and know who I am, I've been hit with a pent up wall of it. So helpful to understand that, thank you.
First off, you are a fantastic creator Arthur. I really appreciate you making such a vulnerable video and opening up some of your insecurities with your audience. I have found that when we get things off of our mind, in a responsible way, we are able to get them out from banging around inside our own heads. Getting these thoughts out of ourselves can help us to process them, especially when we see that others are dealing with the same kinds of issues. I'm sure members of your audience, including myself, can relate to these feelings you are having.
These concerns you are having, as you said, are ones that everyone at some point in their life will encounter. We all hit them at different times in our lives, and sometimes they return during certain difficult periods. You are not alone. You are not the first person to go through this, you are not the only person going through this, and you will not be the last. I say this not to invalidate your feelings, but to contextualize them.
Something that I fall back on in moments like these, is worrying about and fearing the future can lead you to losing your enjoyment of the present. Also, our initial or current perceptions of something are not always our permanent perception. So while currently these thoughts are bringing you dread or anxiety, eventually you may be able to be at peace with them. Give yourself grace. You do not have to have all of the answers now.
Personally, I like to try and take advantage of the time I have now as opposed to worrying about the time I will lose. This goes for my abilities as well. I try my best to enjoy every moment I have with someone, that way when that relationship eventually ends, then I can at least look back and be glad that I have no regrets.
I wish you the best of luck. Take care of yourself. Again, you are a fantastic creator.
Stay strong, Stay hopeful, Stay safe, Stay Queer 🌈🏳⚧
Thank you so much for this content Arthur 🖤 I am a newer subscriber and your videos/approach really helped me make the decision to start T last october. It’s been a difficult journey so far, but it feels so nice to hear a fellow 26 year old transmasc who’s a bit further down the path than me. Shit sucks right now, and it helps me a lot to look forward to when they might suck a bit less, and maybe even appreciate the journey once in a while, too 🖤
You remind me so much of my old English teacher!!! Thank you for being gorgeous and motivating me as another trans guy, it's nice to know that bliss is possible for us. 💖💖💖
S'up! I'm trans FtM, too! But I'm 30. A bit older than you but in this case, it might be a good thing for ya!
My mom died two years ago. I had top surgery five years ago.
It's a weird feeling when someone you want to live and see how much better your life can become just passes away like that. My mom was in decline for half a year. We knew it was coming up because of complications brought about from CoVid infections... But knowing it was coming didn't stop the existential angst.
I dunno what exactly to tell you but these things you rambled about are things a lot of people go through! Even with the trans status!
I can see the nervous tension in your shoulders still, man! Breathe! Stretch! I look forward to hearing more from ya in the future.
happy new year arthur! absolutely adored hearing about your grandfather and then your personal experience that followed. sometimes when you talked about it, I noticed having this experience seems to make you feel shameful in some way - but maybe its just your overabundance in caution to make sure we know your words come from a place of being humble!
but even if you didn't clarify how your crisis isn't a novel one, i don't think any of what you said could ever come across as like what you think the audience would perceive like.. "ah, i'm a genius! the first who ever thought of such a thing! what comes after death!"
but maybe it's my own bias who makes me see this as very human and natural and incredibly interesting and amazing to hear! when we talk about stuff like this, something we all will go through, it feels like in some ways I'm looking at a mirror, even if our thought processes and experiences surrounding death are unique to us. I feel lucky to be able to listen!
(now my fear of judgment of will lead me to a disclaimer that I am just some random human who by no means is claiming sage ~wisdom~, its just my personal discoveries that I don't think are True or Fact yet is meaningful to me because I value paradoxes: my ongoing journey of trying to figure out who "I" am, what is the self, led me to the belief that "I" am within everything there ever was and will be. And I accidentally found spirituality and a way of processing death in this way!
there is perceived separateness and it makes total sense! but when i broke things down- including my own consciousness during meditations- its hard to find where "you" reside. it was very haunting to realize "I" do not reside even in my thoughts or emotions but in the one who experiences them. (and then the cosmic horror infinity mirror of the one who observes the one observing the thoughts LOL)
but eventually I reached the conclusion: i feel completely whole and yet a part of something. i'm made of SO MANY moving parts and systems inside "my" body- i make up moving parts and systems as a human person in a society, i make up the time and space I reside in, i'm a part of nature, i'm apart of earth, apart of the solar ~system~- even the Sun is a part of something- it just keeps going both into space and into atoms. so when I die, I'm basically shedding my role as an observer. I stop being the universe experiencing itself- but I will never fully be "gone". literally in nature, but also beyond that. i don't think I'm unique in this perspective despite feeling slightly deranged.. but felt compelled to share! )
Arthur i enjoy hearing your point of view on death, or just hearing you speak and analyse the things around you and i think thats comforting… like actually hearing how you feel makes it easier to understand you and what you believe. I, myself, am not religious but i would say im “spiritual” so i believe in souls and all the jazz, so hearing how you process how to deal with the idea of you mortality as someone who doesn’t fully believe in all of that is so interesting to me!! so please keep making videos about everything you want to talk about :))
I know what people said about being connected to the earth might not have helped you but the idea of being connected to outer space has helped me. A lot of people think of space as something that surrounds us instead of realizing that we are space. We’re swimming in it like every other planet and our planet is so cool that it gave birth to beings that can observe it. One day all of the light in outer space will die out too but it’s such an incomprehensible distance away and space is so unknown and unpredictable that anything could happen after that.
Its always so interesting to hear what causes people existential end of life crisis moments and where their thoughts go. I actually take a lot of comfort in knowing that nothing is forever and that even the sun will die. Its sad but beautiful and i think that thought helps me think about the moment right here and now and not worry so much about the end of my life.
Actually the most recent existential crisis I've had is about the decision to transition. Im in my 30s and i was feeling extremely nervous about moving forward before the u.s. election. And when the worst possible scenario happened i ended up deciding to move forward anyways because i just couldn't imagine reaching the end of my life and not at least trying and seeing how i felt on testosterone. Even 4 years felt like an extremely long time that i think i would regret.
Anyways, i hope you are feeling better. I always enjoy your positivity. I only recently found your channel, and just want to say that your videos have been a massive help in that decision making process, especially your journaling videos.
Hey, thank you for this! FWIW, I'm in my 40s and still occasionally have a flash of, "Oh, shit- someday, I'm going to die!" I cope with it by trying to maximize my life experiences and make my life count for something in terms of the positive influence that I can have on other people and the world. I'm Jewish, and the Jewish perspective on death and what happens after you die tends to be, "We don't know, and anyway, who really cares? Worry about what you're doing now, today, in your current life, that's what matters," which I think is a pretty healthy approach. There are some things you just... can't know. Not that that stops me from occasionally spinning out, but it usually helps to bring me back from existential crisis central.
I agree that the narrative that sometimes prevails in trans spaces of, "Everything my life pre-transition was awful, I regret every second I spent not transitioning," is often oversimplified, and as someone who transitioned later, it doesn't really reflect my experiences. Sure, I wish I had transitioned earlier, but I also had a pretty cool life pre-transition. The person I was did a lot of cool stuff, had a lot of meaningful experiences, and I can't regret that. If I hadn't had those experiences, maybe I would never have had the nerve to transition. I don't think you can necessarily break your life up into pieces that way, or at least I can't.
Hey, honestly hope this helps: Think of where you want to be in 5 years time while also balancing the need for occasional levity so that you actually have fun or physically feel good about yourself. Broaden your horizons with travel, volunteering or new trying new hobbies and activities. Make daily steps towards your long term goals. Recognize the underpinnings or emotional yearnings that prompt your thought processes on philosophical questions. Faith isn't only for the religious, belief from an emotional perspective is something we place in people, institutions, our own ability to grow, our endeavors or whatever we try to build or raise. Being trans is just a building block in us figuring out who we are and the impact we leave on this world as human beings. Joy for life is best propped up by fulfillment and confidence meaning that, whether you lived for another thousand years or another 10 minutes, you made the most of the time you had and you have no regrets so death is inconsequential to you. I wish I could write more and I wish I could help more but I truly wish you the best of luck figuring everything out Arthur.
Yeah there's nothing wrong with having an existential crisis as an adult, it's about life stage not age. Actually this video made me realise something about my own experience with it and how it fits in the bigger picture.
Storytime - I had a big existential crisis at 16, after I first realised I was trans and then went into denial in a span of a few months. I guess it came from feeling purposeless, having lost that feeling of certainty and hope I had from realising my gender and wanting to transition. I got obsessed with spirituality, like the idea that god lives inside everyone, that your physical body isn't really you (a convenient line for coping with dysphoria), and that material reality is an illusion to overcome. I snapped out of it, but the feeling that there was more to life than simply the material aspects, and that something greater was yet to come, kept recurring for years. Now I've started transitioning, I don't get that anymore. It's like life is enough now and I feel more free to take action and do things. It's still early days and I still have a ton of dysphoria, but the empty yearning feeling I used to have went away.
Life isn't linear eh. Things can be improving overall even if some devastating things happened. Some of the bad things may be related to what's improving life, some might be completely unrelated.
Not existing anymore is is a weird concept to wrap one's head around. Even if it's not a new conundrum, it's certainly not a stupid to be stumped by it. I think therefore I am, so how can one think about _not_ being, without some mental gymnastics? Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I'm glad you found a perspective that lets you continute to love life, and find a deeper meaning :)
arthur this is such a great video. similarly, ive been settling into my trans identity in more integrative ways. I feel like a person as any other, and i feel a newfound joy for life! ive been finding comfort in spirituality as my grandparents have passed over the years, and ive been recconnecting to my indigenous heritage through this as well. ive been finding a lot of comfort in the idea that one day I will return to the Earth and that I hope that nature will be blessed with my corpse, as weird as that sounds haha! I want to live on in people's memories, sure, but I find so much comfort knowing I meet the same end everything else does, and for my body to return to its original form, which is nature! it's made me love the nature I see around me, from the birds to the trees and the rivers around my home. I grew up religious but not subscribing to it, and so I don't connect much to the idea that I'll see someone once I pass, or even a greater being. That'd be cool if thats what happens, but I know for sure that returning to the Earth will be part of that journey into death. Be well, and continue finding that love you spoke so beautifully about in this video
Thanks for sharing, Arthur. As lots of other commenters have said, very relatable. I’m actually going through something similar because my dad has to get brain surgery. So hearing you discuss this was comforting to me. I hope you’re taking care of yourself.
I know you strive not to generalize your pre and post transition experience as entirely “not meaningful” and “meaningful”, but this video really resonated with me along those lines. In the sense that my entire early transition brain space was devoted to transition. Now that I’ve exited that first stage, life feels new and so much space has opened up for human things, rather than exclusively trans things, like the meaning of life and death you refer to here haha. To boot, I don’t think it was until transition I really felt these things viscerally. When I try to explain it to people I always use the phrase “like a human being”- that I didn’t really feel like a human being until transition, and now I feel very actualized and physical, with solid outlines and the ability to interact with and react to the world around me in a way beyond the intellectual. Not just a brain in a jar, but a body. I think a combination of these things- more brain space after early transition and the realness of post transition life- have made me more open to questions like the ones you discuss here than I have been at other points in my life, though I know that may not be your experience. I think though that lots of life transitions beyond gender can result in this sort of transformation (sort of like your dad’s experience)- a common theme that I have found in your videos, that so much of the trans experience is just a sort of refracted generalized “human experience” (the struggle to be known authentically, what it means to live a life worth living, what it means to fight for what feels real)
Thanks for your reflections, Arthur. I didn't figure out what my life was about until rather recently, but now I feel very strongly that it has a purpose -- one which is not intellectual, or even social, exactly, or even spiritual, but ethical: it's about striving to do what is right. And so, striving to be good. I have come to think that there's nothing more extraordinary about human beings than our capacity to experience moral compulsion; everything else is eligible for simulation, it seems, increasingly. But that mysterious feeling of moral responsibility -- that something is incumbent upon us, even if it is completely unselfish, and even if it may ultimately help no one at all -- is irreducibly human. It's not just internalized shame, it's not just the anticipation of judgment from others, it's not just hope in eventual benefit to ourselves or our immediate communities. We are all capable of those thought processes, too, of course, but I know that genuine moral calling feels quite different, and it comes from a different place: reasoning about what is right. About the laws that govern, or ought to govern, the living world. Whether or not one chooses to ascribe these laws to God, as the religious do, or to an order of norms implicit within nature itself, as the philosophers do, is really no concern of mine, because it all amounts to the same thing -- which is a life in service of what we all know, and reason, and feel to be good.
You're awesome Arthur! The Trans hope videos are a really thoughtful idea too. I liked hearing your thoughts on your existential crisis and death and about the sun eventually dying (I almost forgot that the sun will eventually explode! made me chuckle a little). I remember when I first became boyfriends with my partner a year ago and taking a step back and thinking 'oh boy, I really don't want to leave this earth I have so much to do here!'. Connecting with other trans friends over hard times has also been really meaningful for me too. I feel very grateful that I have a lot of hope and love in my life. I will continue to share this on where I can.
I love your videos and your style of videos. I don't know how to explain it, but I definitely feel very thoughtful and accepting after watching them!
Congratulations, Arthur, on being at a good place now in your life. I think pretty much everything you said here is valid. I want to point out what you know very well, that there are multiple transitions in any life. For you, the two most obvious transitions are your gender transition and your transition from pre-graduate-school to a post-graduate future. I think for both of those transitions, your case has been a clear success. There are different ways to measure and evaluate things, and I think in most normal ways of looking at each, they have been very favorable and beneficial for you, and you have done the "right" things. However, I will add that if you had not done one or both of those transitions in some alternate reality, while that would look sad from our point of view in this world, in that world you would still be living life with some bits of happiness and success. And other people who choose not to do such transitions, or who are somehow not able to do those transitions are also people who have some success and happiness in their lives. So, while I think you took the best paths for you, those weren't the only paths with good things in them.
Also, most human experience is with situations where human decisions cause things to happen, so it is natural for us to first try to interpret everything from the point of view of it having been caused by some being with purpose who made deliberate choices (hence theism). But from a broader view, it is not necessary to assume that events are supposed to have some meaning or purpose, other than the meanings and purposes which we create for ourselves during our own lives. That is, as you know, the "meaning" and validity of the events of your life (or anyone's life) is not up to some outside observer(s) passing judgment. It is for you to create, and for you to evaluate. So it's OK that one can't make an explicit proof of meaning or significance. It is up to everyone to make their own life more meaningful to themselves, and to realize that this is what they are doing. So I think this video validates your success in that area. Good luck and congratulations.
This is oh so relatable... Have been dealing with these thoughts too the last few months... Stay strong, we'll get through it :)
First let me say: It's good to hear from you again.
Second: I'm sorry you're dealing with this particular crisis. As you said, it's a common thing. That does not actually make it easier to come to terms with on a one-to-one basis. I hope you're able to grasp what you need to deal with it without too much distress. Sometimes I wish I had advice to give folks who struggle with it, but I'm the odd exception to the rule. I don't remember ever struggling with it, fearing it, etc. Whether there is more to experience after my last breath or not, I know that it will happen. It is inevitable. And somehow, I find that in and of itself brings me peace. I no longer yearn for it, as I did at one time, but it does not intimidate me. I wish for you (everyone who reads this) to find your peace as well.
Literally perfect timing, I discovered this channel a while ago and binnged most of your videos and was waiting for you to upload, I agree with alot of the points you make and its like you're verbalizing my thoughts, you Literally fill me with so much hope, and you helped know so much more about myself so thank you❤
I’m glad you felt up to recording for us! No matter what you’re feeling I hope you know that the most important thing is to take care of yourself and your peace. I’ve really appreciated your videos and perspective, but if it ever gets to be a stressor, please allow yourself all the time you need, whether that’s a few months or a few years 💛 I’ve been experiencing my own existential crisis over the past couple years (after admitting my dysphoria to myself) and it takes a lot of energy! It’s a job to be so overwhelmed by one’s own thoughts. Knowing that I’m autistic and finding out how autistic rumination and ocd play into my mental health have been so helpful in giving myself peace, but I still wish it for everyone. It’s a lot to feel responsible for oneself and everything. Here’s to the new year being a season of positive growth for all of us!
just started the video and just gonna chime in that I myself am in a very tricky part of being in grad school. and yet I am so happy with my life and my choice to be a grad student and the friends I've made. and it freaks me out a little how much of grad school has happened already. solidarity
i missed you so much, im so glad you're here again talking about your experience! you're so strong, cool and wise..
and i get your feelings and thoughts as well. i also love being alive and i think that life is priceless!
i saw a comment saying that there's a word for people like us in norwegian, and there's a word that means 'life happy' in russian as well - жизнерадостный.
anyway, thank you for your videos, i'll be waiting for more
Happy new year, Arthur! Missed you! ✨
I feel like I’ve been having an existential crisis for awhile now. I’m mostly scared that I won’t live till old age because of climate change. I want kids in my future but i don’t know if I can justify bringing kids into the world when I don’t think that they would get to live very long. I just get so down in the dumps and feel so hopeless
I think that sometimes the knowledge that answer does not exist is the most important answer.
you keep saying that since so many people have had this crisis, that means it isn’t that novel or interesting but although it certainly isn’t novel, I would reframe by recognizing that BECAUSE so many people throughout history have had this crisis it actually does make it quite profound - don’t belittle yourself for exploring something just because you think it’s been “done” - often there is more there
and so glad ur back ! :D
A great book for sciencey logical people, to answer questions like ‘why are we conscious?’ is by Physicist Tom Campbell, called ‘My Big Toe’. TOE standing for ‘Theory of Everything’. Highly recommend 😊
Is that... Hebrew in the back?
And a hannukiah?
I feel like a detective analyzing the background (I'm bored)
I think his boyfriend is Jewish ?
Looks like a kiddush cup too
Don't freak out because bad times happen post transition! Bad things happen in life, illness, divorce etc. Or think that an existential crisis is a one time thing! It was so weird to be post transition and have normal people problems now...wait a minute?...I thought you just transitioned and lived happily ever after??...