7 Problems I Deal with as a Trans Man
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ก.ค. 2024
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love the garland in the background that just says 'hell'... ive been staring at it the whole tim
I WAS WAITING FOR THIS COMMENT
Who needs help when you have hell!
I totally relate to the idea of being trans as fun and sexy, instead of being some dark secret! It's a lot more liberating.
Nothing about trans people's bodies needs to be treated as shameful.
I think you’re doing something great by focusing on the contents of your videos than getting clicks and revenue. Keep up the good work!
Thanks!!
I totally relate to #1. I only started testosterone a few months ago, but I'm only ever explicitly misgendered and outed as trans by other queer people. I've noticed that cis people are more likely to take my general appearance at face value and treat me like a guy, whereas queer people almost have this "apprehension" towards cis men, to the point where they avertly avoid using he/him pronouns for me or try to emphasize the fact that I'm trans constantly. It's uncomfortable as all hell. I'd love to make more queer friends and be able to hang out with other trans people, but it unfortunately just feels like pulling teeth.
Yeah unfortunately there’s a lot of transandrophobia and anti-transmasculinity in the trans community, due to radfem rhetoric and gender essentialism. My suggestion is to find your own community of people who explicitly support you for, not despite, your masculinity.
Ugh sorry to hear you've experienced too! It's hard because I know people mean well and just relate to transness differently, but it makes it hard to form those connections 😓
that is the absolute worst i’m so sorry it’s such a shitty spot to be in cuz in my experience the only real solution is you having to be the one going out of ur way to explicitly say that u use he/him which is so weird i hateeee it! i will say i had that issue constantly when i was around the same time on t and i am now coming up on a year and haven’t noticed that in months
When you appear as a Tran's man do you have a beard or facial hair any Guy charismatics if you live as a guy what hobby's are you into I was born amab and I am very interested in motorcycles sports the outdoor activities the beach music I'm having the opposite problem because I never new what was wrong with me because most female's Iv known get talking about kids boyfriends lady friends
I’m not trans myself but I’m a trans positive gay man and stumbled on your channel and was really fascinated by your journey and the articulate, humble way you convey it to the world. You’re smart and sweet and sincere and truly helping people by being so candid about your experience- not just trans men and women, but also in educating cis folk out there. Thanks for your honesty, it definitely shows how the trans journey is a HUMAN journey and helps bridge social gaps through empathy and education ☺️
Awww thanks for such a sweet comment!! This is totally what I'm going for with this channel 🥰
Your approach of reframing "trans" issues as "human" issues has been really helpful for me as well! As my therapist says, "most 'trans' problems are actually joe schmo problems, trans people just tend to have a specific set of joe schmo problems". It really helps with the resentment and the "why me" questions.
A lot of the trans representation we had growing up were quite negative. Saw a lot of trans people growing up who would talking about how much they hated being trans and how they’d do anything to not be this thing. Coming out felt like such an unfortunate thing like you are breaking bad news to someone by just saying your trans. Not that having discussions about the more negative parts of being trans can’t be a productive and important conversation but it is nice to see a more positive outlook on things where it’s not such a big deal and it’s normal and ok
All of this is super relatable for me. My number one is very similar to yours - I am a late transitioner. Started at 35. Almost all of my friends were women/nonbinary, coming from feminist spaces, lesbian spaces, trans spaces, etc, and coming out as a binary gay MAN who is not desired by this community has been extremely difficult. I have lost a really shocking number of friends because they see me as a gender traitor, poisoned by testosterone, a sleeper agent of patriarchy. Trying to talk about my experiences as a man in these spaces is not welcome in the slightest. Saying anything amounting to "men are just people" or "there's no universal experience of manhood" when combatting gender essentialism, phrases that are perfectly acceptable when talking about women, makes people treat me like toxic sludge. I am having a really hard time finding male community.
i have personally had to detransition for now due to safety, but something that helped me feel more comfortable even now is having trans friends, especially trans masc friends. it has helped me immensely to know trans men in real life who are living beautiful happy lives and have their own friends who love them etc.
there are also trans women in my life who are extremely supportive and loving to me, even in detransition state. the trans community does have its inner challenges and issues sometimes but finding the right friends especially trans and nonbinary friends who understand the type of feelings you have will ultimately make your life feel richer.
i get ya with the pronouns in inclusive spaces. someone called me they when talkin bout me to a friend and said friend then thought i changed pronouns. neutral pronouns can be invalidating just ask what someone uses. and the stuff with "cis gay" spaces and whatnot, internalized tranphobia is rampant and many people dont see from queer perspectives
Always appreciate your lighthearted and positive discussions around navigating relationships as a trans guy. I agree that a lot of the discourse focuses on responding to negative comments, and how a lot of trans dating advice frames dating as this fraught thing to navigate rather than something fun and sexy.
In regards to trans spaces, I think as transness becomes more widely accepted and more people feel comfortable exploring gender identity, we as a community are going to have to really come to terms with the idea that not only are trans people not a monolith, but are in fact very different in most cases. Gender is such an abstract concept that is being actively picked apart and redefined, which I believe is a good thing, but it also means that the supposed shared experience of transness that connects this larger community means a totally different thing for many of those who identify with it. I think especially in a time like this, it is incredibly important for all trans people, binary or nonbinary, to stand together. But at the same time, I think it’s important to recognize that the experience of a binary trans man will be completely different than that of a nonbinary person or vice versa. I understand the risks of dividing up the community, but I do wish there was a greater emphasis on providing spaces for specific types of trans identities. This can be found online, but can make finding meaningful connections in the real world a lot more difficult. I have personally struggled with the desire to see all other trans people as someone I can automatically identify and relate with, and who will understand my experience. However, the reality is the label of transness means something so abstract at this point (again, not necessarily a bad thing inherently) that in terms of identifying wether I will relate to or agree with a person, it doesn’t mean anything at all.
I relate so hard to your number one point. I am not a very binary trans man, as I do identify as "non binary" in a sort of loose sense, but I am black, and I often struggle in trans/queer spaces because they are predominantly white spaces. I find that when I hear people talking about the experience of being trans and certain struggles, I just can't relate to things a lot of the time, especially being a trans masculine guy, where the main stereotype outside of and even within the trans community is this thin, pale, "fluffy," straight-haired person.
I just find that I can't relate to certain jokes in the trans community and certain experiences that are so well known and talked about because the way I experience life as a black trans guy is just intrinsically different, and it's so hard to find other black or even poc people in general in these spaces, especially trans spaces. I also often find that even though a lot of lgbt people are super accepting of different types of queer people, there tends to be a lot of racism that isn't talked about in these spaces.
A casual way to disclose that I'm trans is "Hay, I'm trans" not the best advice but it works. If face to face coming out is too hard then you can try email or a handwritten letter. I have never met another trans person IRL. So I do wonder what it would be like to be in a trans space but I do not think I would mesh.
We're the same age, but I'm pre transition and still figuring things out in my head. I stumbled onto your channel at the beginning of everything, googling "haircuts for trans men", and stayed for the wisdom and the trans joy you bring to your videos.Thank you for sharing your thoughts always, it helps immensely to realise "ah, someone had that thought too, I'm not overthinking or overanalyzing". Your transition is obviously major goals, but your emotional intelligence and understanding of yourself is something I really look up to also. Thank you, and I'm excited to watch more of your videos this year 🥳
I started watching your channel because you are so positive and i knew i couldnt survive my transition if i didnt try to make an effort to find trans spaces that dont make me feel afraid for the future. Your channel has been so helpful in so many ways. Im super happy to see youre comfortable to share your struggles too though, man. I definitely relate to being let down by your own community, even as a non binary trans man. Im sorry to hear youve been treated that way. Its great how youre able to keep your chin up tho! ✨️
Yess helping people feel excited for the future is absolutely one of my goals with this channel. And, as said, I feel grateful to have the problems I do. Even though I feel let down by my community sometimes, I know everyone has good intentions.
I can't tell you enough how happy and seen your videos make me feel. Thank you for being intentional about your impact. Thank you for spreading trans joy. Thank you for being so relentlessly thoughtful and nuanced about complicated experiences. Thank you!!!
thank *you* for this comment 🥰
Transmasc person here who works in sexual health research-
Regarding the UTIs, one thing that made me feel better about getting them is knowing that cis men can get them too (It's just less likely because of their typically longer urethras, which means it can take bacteria longer to work its way into the bladder and cause issues.). This might not make you feel better, but it did for me.
Second, I used to get frequent UTIs due to receptive anal sex in particular, and I highly recommend the common but perhaps not sufficiently pervasive suggestion to pee shortly after sex, and then drink plenty of water so you pee again sometime soon after that. If I am particularly worried that I might develop a UTI after a specific sexual encounter (because maybe the sex was long or seemed especially risky), in addition to peeing and drinking extra water, I recommend taking one dose of the AZO Antibacterial Protection meds you can get at the grocery store as a type of post-exposure preventative. I definitely don't recommend taking one all the time, but it is useful for those one-off occasions, and I have never had a UTI since (full disclosure- not a medical professional, but I do have some knowledge based on my background in sexual health research).
Also, maybe you aren't getting UTIs from sex at all and this is irrelevant info for you, but perhaps others reading the comments will find it helpful. Best of luck! :)
Arthur, you're one of my favorite LGBT+ creators out there ! I can feel your passion and your honest desire to connect to people through the screen, it's very touching. You're a model of maturity and offer fascinating reflections about transness. Being in a questioning phase myself, I love how you connect this part of your identity as a element component of your life, rather than this huge deal that needs to be addressed all the time (not to undermine anyone that are really into their identity, I understand how it is important to scream to the world who you are especially in early phases of discovery). But yeah, this makes me go "whatever happens, I'll still be myself, just a more genuine version of myself". Sending love from France
Many people in my life think I am a regular biological male or one that detransitioned from being a female. I refuse to tell anyone that I’m trans simply because I don’t want to be seen as anything else but a man. Lying constantly is draining but the fear of being outted is seeded into my head.
I’m struggling so much with coming out as trans to my family. I’m 27 and I feel like a male. Most of my life I have. It’s a big step to take and I’m unsure if I should. I love your videos and I watch them all the time. You are such a beautiful man.
Same. 26. And just moved across the country to be safe as a trans person as well. I just made some memes I'm gonna send to my dad to come out with... I'm still waiting to find the courage.
@@atlasonhiskingshit I’m so proud of you. You’ve got this. It’s a hard world we live in. I just wish things could be easier for all of us. I’m terrified and I don’t have a clue what to do, but I know in my heart who I truly am.
Good luck with your next steps! I remember how scary that time in my life was ❤️
Hey Arthur, this was a great video. I think I might have some insight as to why so many of the trans or non-binary people you were talking with in those groups have such a weird relationship with gay men and their spaces. At least for me, as I’m just beginning my transition, I can speak for myself and say I’m quite intimidated by those spaces given I don’t pass yet. Maybe the people you were talking about don’t pass very well(or aren’t trying to pass as men)? They could feel othered, maybe feel excluded from those events and don’t really have a genuine experience with what it’s actually like. The sad thing is, a lot of trans people don’t pass, and can feel pretty bitter about it, my boyfriend who is gay (I know confusing because I’m not on hormones yet, but I’m still pretty masculine and androgynous and our relationship is complex lol) doesn’t even feel very comfortable in those spaces all the time being hyper fem most days…. Idk I suppose it’s all perspective and perception. You pass very well and are fairly masculine. You fit in well and you embrace it. I hope I can get there. Sometimes it’s all just very daunting, and I don’t want to feel like I’m “invading” a space - maybe that’s how non-passing trans men at these groups feel?? Just a guess.
as i get further into my medical transition and the fact that i’m trans becomes a smaller piece of my life (+ something that i’m increasingly able to choose whether i want to disclose), i find myself relating more and more to your last point. it’s so frustrating how often transphobia divides our communities without us even realizing it’s happening-it makes you wonder how much better we could get along if we weren’t constantly trying to cope with living in a society that is often at least awkward about our identities, if not outright hateful.
from everything i’ve heard you say in your videos, it sounds like we take a very similar approach to this problem. we try to see the trans experience as just an extension of the human experience, and find the happiest life possible in an imperfect society. we also have similar privileges, though-i am a white-passing, mostly cis-passing transsexual man who is perceived as conventionally attractive and lives in a liberal area. these factors undeniably contribute to my positive view of the trans experience.
meanwhile, i think a lot of trans people (especially those with less privilege, whether that be because of passing status or living in a conservative area or not presenting in a binary way) grow an instinctual resentment for cis people as a result of and/or out of fear of being persecuted. there’s a huge range of experience within the broad category of trans.
honestly, i think even people who have a positive view of being trans end up affected by transphobic cultural narratives-i know i have. while i am genuinely happy living as a gay trans man and transition has improved my life so much, i also feel a pressure to perform this happiness for others. it’s like a gotcha to both trans and cis people who assert that being trans will inherently make you miserable. i get to say, “what do you mean? i’m trans, but i’m also sexually successful with men who are attracted to other men. i’m trans, but i don’t feel a great divide between myself and cis men on account of that fact. i’m trans, but i like my body. i’m trans, but this is just one thing about me.” it can feel frustrating, then, to see other trans people assert the exact opposite, even when i know that that very well may be their lived experience. it feels like being told that you Should be miserable if you’re trans, even if you know that their intent is just to share what being trans has meant for them.
it’s really hard. i don’t know how we could bridge the gap within larger trans spaces, but i do really like your idea of seeking trans community the way you would seek community in general, by finding people that you share things in common with. in my life, that’s looked like finding friends/partners (both cis and trans) who don’t see being trans as an inherent hindrance, but rather as a mere descriptor of the kind of man that i am. because i’m still relatively early in my transition (i’m a little over 7 months on T and pre top surgery), being trans is still kind of a big part of my life, and i’m very glad to have people who support and uplift me for it.
I'm a gay trans dude and I relate to the last one so much 😭 lately it feels like the lgbt community has grown to have this distrust and borderline hatred of masculine identities and it sucks
I hate how people have started saying "cis men" when they mean men. Are trans men not men?
I think a really funny way to come out to friends is to casually show photos of you as a kid and go “oh yeah you didn’t know? Im transgender lol”
Thank you so much for this video. I'm also a binary trans man (though not as passing yet) and I'm also aroace so I feel alone even in communities where I'm susposed to belong and you put into words why. I'm awful at putting my feelings into words so thank you so much, I feel a little less alone knowing it's not just me!! I don't wanna ramble too much but literally thank you so so much I usually don't comment on videos but I had to this time
I’m ace and I think it’s just hard to fit into a sexuality label community groups when you’re ace cuz being ace is such a big and different part of it. And I think ace spaces are just connecting based on interests instead of sexuality labels which sucks if you don’t share interests
Regarding issue no 1: Your cis straight female friend you mentioned sounds like a very empathetic person. And empathy is what is most needed in this world, I think. A lot of "safe spaces" are created for people who feel deeply insecure in the world that they are living in. I cannot imagine how pre-transition or non-passing trans people feel in this world. They wish to be "passing" or wish to fit into the cis world, but often they don't (yet). Bonding over that "rejection" is important, but it can lead to being exclusive, if not jealous, of other people who fit in better. Like you, tbh. Because the bonding often doesn't happen due to the cause, it happens due to the symptoms. I don't want to invalidate your journey to finding your gender and self, but I want to desperately hug all those people who feel (and experience) that there are "hostile" places, "cis-exclusive" bars, areas where their "otherness" is a reason for disapproval. You're happy where you are, cut them some slack if possible. Because they're not. Much love!
Thank you so much for all your videos, Arthur. Truly. I'm closeted to most of the world aside from a handful of close friends out of safety concerns, and you sharing your perspective on the things I'm apprehensive about means the world to me 💕
Aww thank you for the comment 🥰🥰
@@arthur_rockwell of course!! It's been such a pleasure and inspiration to follow your journey and see trans joy in action. What you do with this channel is much needed, especially for ppl like me who could use some hope for the future. I'm grateful you decided to share your experience and I'm so glad you're feeling happy and fulfilled. It really does give me hope ☺
your content is so unique within all of the others trans youtubers tbh and i really appreciate that! i also very much relate to surprisingly everything you say and it's a really good feeling when i hear someone saying the things that i have in my mind all the time. thank you for your videos!
started my first day of t today!!! ur channel helped a lot for me get to this point so ur insight means a lot bro :]
Hell yeah!! Congrats
I want eyebrows like that
I think a dedicated video about making disclosure sexy would be really good, you could also maybe get some other people's perspectives on it and include those too?
i second this!
While I totally get your disappointment with not feeling like you fit in in trans spaces, and agree that it sucks and you should be able to be seen as fully you in those spaces…i think a lot of the people in those spaces are there because they don’t fit into anywhere else. I’d imagine the vast majority of non-binary or non-passing trans people don’t have spaces like “cis-gay” ones where they can feel comfortable or seen, so largely these trans spaces attract those kinds of people. I.e. people who feel rejected by, and therefore reject “cis” spaces.
All this to say, I think it’s genuinely wonderful that you’re so happy in these gay spaces with cis and trans gay men, so I guess I don’t think you should feel too bad about not finding as much community in specifically trans spaces. Trans is such an umbrella term at the end of the day, with such a huge range of experiences within it, that there’s always going to be conflict or misalignment or just massive differences in experiences within it. And that’s nothing you need to feel bad about. Like you say, find your people where you find them, and forget what “should” be :)
Yes! I totally think that's what's going on. So I wouldn't necessarily change the norms that are centered around that type of trans experience (eg, defaulting to "they") because nonbinary and non passing people have so few spaces where they can feel comfortable+affirmed - even if I personally struggle with the norms.
For sure, I don’t think any space can ever truly cater for every person under an umbrella. As a cis-passing trans person myself, I often feel like a lot of the “trans experience” doesn’t really apply to me in my every day life. But honestly, I feel like that’s a good problem to have, and certainly on the easier end of the trans-experience spectrum.
Anyway, I always appreciate your videos and hearing your perspective. It’s super important to show all sides of transition, and I bet there’s a whole bunch of people who see hope for their futures in your videos ❤
Sharing your sadness is powerfully PART of conveying a positive message believably and completely. You don’t have to be apologetic about having difficulties, everybody does and you are not more responsible for the worlds positivity than anyone else is. Your joy is only meaningful when you feel all your feelings and are free to express them. You’re amazing and I didn’t mean to sound moralising with this. I want us to all fully be.
i’ve been in a dark scary place feeling rlly alone in my transition. i have top surgery in 2 weeks and as excited as I am i’m terrified of outside responses. i found your videos searching for affirmation and you spoke so freely of my exact thoughts and fears and i felt so much less alone. thank you
You got this! I am so proud of you. Wishing you the best!
Let other trans people add to your transition as much as possible ❤
dang yeah, i do sometimes feel really weird in trans spaces. im a trans woman. she/her, not they. and sometimes i feel like im doing trans wrong for being in a lot of ways a very binary woman.
I feel the same. There’s a definite tension between the standard of not assuming pronouns and using they/them to describe someone of unknown gender and those trans people who want our pronouns assumed and feel dysphoric being asked.
Thank you for your explanation on all of these, especially #1. I completely agree and find it really frustrating that there is this divide between binary and non-binary trans groups for one, and two, that so many of the trans groups out there right now are targeted towards non-binary trans people. I am not much of a joiner so I have not had to actually experience these frustrating conversations, but I have seen enough of these groups' flyers, taglines, and social media posts to know that I would not have a good time there. It really sucks.
38:54 forming community from experiences vs identity labels 👍
I thought I was the only one who felt the least belonging to trans spaces! Also, what you said about shaping communities around experiences rather than identity was brilliant! As a trans person who hasn’t had access to these communities a lot, or even spaces that accept my identity, I really appreciate your insights. I feel like you put words to my feelings a lot of the time and that doesn’t happen a lot for me. Thanks as always!
From one trans/queer channel to another we absolutely love your channel! Thank you for being such a positive light and helping me during my transition
i relate on feeling weirdness from trans spaces!! ive also had better intimate experiences with cis gay men who have never met/been with trans men. I've been they/them'ed more by other trans people who constantly forget that I use he/him and prefer to be seen socially as a man! especially as a gay trans man! its so weird because I want to feel safe in those spaces, but I also worry about being around afab nonbinary/trans folks who don't align with transmasculinity because those are the folks who erase my transmasculinity!! i don't completely see myself as a binary transman either (i like having my hair long, dressing "androgynously"), so it kinda hurts to be viewed as not a "full man", but also the masculinity I do feel connected to is just as erased! 😭
Your joy really does set a goal for me. One day, I want to wake up and feel half the joy your display in being you.
Really exciting to see a fellow trans person who started publicly transitioning around a similar time as me be so self-confident and bold and such a warm figure in the community you're cultivating. Thank you, always, Arthur. Hope you are spending this winter safe, healthy, warm, and happy.
The thing about crossing that event horizon with friends where it Becomes Weird that they don't know about the trans thing is so true, as is the whole, "I have made an official declaration of my transness to you, and now social convention dictates that you stop what you're doing to respond in a well-meaning but cringingly woke way," thing. In the case of the former, I recently made the discovery that I pass much more readily than I thought I did, in part because I was at a hiking weekend with this GBT men's outdoor club I'm in and had multiple interactions where I assumed the other guy absolutely clocked that I was trans, and it became clear 2/3 of the way through that he did not, in fact, realize that I was trans. Which is great on the one hand, because I like passing and would like to continue to pass, but on the other, as you say, it's like, okay do I say something? Because then it gets kind of awkward and weird, and I just want to be one of the many queer guys on this trip and not The Trans Guy™, and if I hear someone talk about me living my truth or whatever, I may Homer Simpson into the nearest shrub.
The thing about IRL trans spaces resonated with me, too. I'm not as far along, transition-wise, as you are, but even then, I've been finding that I feel more comfortable in spaces for queer men (that are vocally affirming of trans men/transmasculine people) than I do in spaces for trans people. The thing about he versus they is really, really true- there's rarely any confusion about who or what I am or what pronouns I'm using in spaces for queer men that are not trans-only or trans-centered. I understand why it happens, but it is frustrating. And so often if you speak up about it in the moment, you get hard pushback or excuses that are themselves based on assumptions about you and your experiences.
I feel like in an all-male space you could be kind of direct about it. "Actually I'm trans, I grew up as a girl, but it's not big deal. I'm just another guy and I absolutely don't want to hear about how I'm Living My Truth or whatever". I think cis people generally want to be supportive but aren't sure how to deal with it, so it helps to give them a template.
As a demi masc NB I can relate to feeling awkward in certain spaces. I joined a couple of Queer Meetup groups that advertised as "all inclusive", then I'll be the only They there. It just gets assumed that I'm Cis and I find myself having to come out to other Queer people.
I've also been in spaces with a mix of binary and NB trans people, where we all kept misgendering each other out of confusion (that was actually quite comical)
Being trans has its awesome moments, but yeah, finding where you fit in can be daunting
Demi masc NB... God almighty. You are just a woman. You can dress as you wish, have short hair, behave any way you want, even masculine, do whatever you like - and still be a woman. NB is bullshit. It's almost always just teenage girls/women who feel they don't conform the female stereotypes 100% and "not like other girls" - but you DON'T HAVE TO do or be any of that in order to be a woman. You just have to be female. That's all.
While trans spaces here in Russia are at least 50% binary in numbers due to how unaccepted we are in general society, it still does often feel like binary trans men are excluded in some way... and I can see that as a trans woman, without even experiencing it directly.
And queer spaces that are friendly to both cis and trans people come in 2 varieties: the kind that is all feminine and cutesy, populated primarily by cis lesbians, nonbinary people and often trans women, but rarely trans men; and the kind that explicitly says "for men". It's like being a man is somehow separated and segregated from being queer... I do see trans men in those general queer spaces, but like 1-2 at most. And I haven't been to the "for men" events to find out if there are any trans men there, as I am a trans woman...
If you’re comfortable talking about it, what’s it like as a trans person in Russia right now? I’m in the United States and we aren’t hearing too much about Russia and what it’s actually like there at the moment.
I’m surprised to see another trans person from Russia, hi! In my experience, the majority of online trans spaces (seeing as we can’t have any physical ones...) are primarily dominated by nonbinary people. It (maybe unsurprisingly) correlates with the age of the audience: I’ve noticed that “younger” trans spaces (those where most people are minors) are roughly 80%+ nonbinary people, and if a space has more people in their 20-30-40s, there would be a more even distribution.
And I understand your feeling of exclusion, I’ve definitely felt that too. What helped me was getting in touch with trans people in my own city through Centre T chats, connecting with other activists and becoming closer with a few trans men in my life.
Wishing you strength in these trying times! We’ll get through this 🤍
@@flynn5080 we do have physical spaces. In the only 2 livable cities in this country. Moscow and SPB.
I don't feel the exclusion, that's the thing, I am a (probably mostly binary) trans woman. I just see that binary trans men are somewhat of a rarity, seemingly excluded... it's like we haven't moved past the definition of queerness by femininity
@@eclipsed-oracle oh, it's a genocide. Trans healthcare and ID changes completely banned in July 2023. "International organization known as LGBT" declared extremist in November 2023, so you can go to jail for a pride pin. "Propaganda of non-traditional relations and sex changes" was banned since December 2022 already, so you can be fined for telling someone you are trans or smth.
Yeah, we are fuuuucked
@@machinerin151I meant that for the absolute majority of queer Russians there’re no physical spaces to go, and even in major cities the situation is changing rapidly with the new law (remember all the shit that’s been happening to gay bars in Moscow and SPB...).
And I personally don’t feel excluded for being a trans man (because I see many transmasculine people in online spaces), I feel excluded for being binary specifically. That’s a much bigger thing for me.
I totally understand!! With the last one is painful, my nonbinary friend have a very different understanding of which spaces are for them, I’m tired of them inviting me to lesbian places bcs they are “trans friendly” I need more gay men friends
I always click on the notification of a new video from you right away !!
Thank you, your video is very informative and ironically reassuring for me because it proves that you can still be happy despite having those downsides
this was a really great and uplifting video, even with the subject matter being problems - it was also really helpful hearing those problems being reframed as _not_ actually trans-specific! I think for me, my biggest problem I deal with as a trans man is Admin, but even within my own life that's certainly not a trans-specific problem: at the moment, most of my admin is coming from Disability and having a partner from (and at present still in) a Different Country. but nobody gets through this life without experiencing Admin Hell at some point or another!
I also relate to your feelings with regard to not feeling like you fit into trans spaces as a (usually, kind of) cis-passing trans man, and even _more_ so with your experience of having cis folk be more respectful of your trans identity than trans folk! at uni, I never ended up going to any of the LGBT groups, because although I was out as gay and asexual, I really wasn't comfortable being out as trans: I was scared someone would clock me at an LGBT event, assume (because I was _at_ the event) I was open about transness, and then out me. and the one time I _was_ outed as trans, it was by another trans person (which is _not_ indicative of like... trans folk being more likely to out than cis folk, given y'know it was Just One Time. but it Did hurt more Because they were trans, and Because there was that assumption of trust). and ... I also have a trans friend I've been really close to for a few years now, who oversteps my boundaries regarding my trans identity a _lot_ . they're very out and visible as trans themselves, and almost all of their friends are also very visible trans folk where transness is a huge part of their identity (which is great, of course!), but it means they have a blind spot for folk like me who consider their transness deeply personal. I've never come out to them, because I've not felt comfortable yet, but they've clocked me as Probably Trans, and a _lot_ of times have basically... talked about my transness without talking about it, if that makes sense? like bringing it up, but prefacing with "I don't know if you're trans or not, but you probably are, so [...]". and it's hard, because I can't say "I'm not comfy being out to you as trans and talking about trans stuff" without... coming out as trans and talking about trans stuff. which I'm not comfortable doing. - but on the whole, and especially online, I've had wonderful and accepting and affirming interactions with trans folk! it's just a shame it's not always like that.
Only halfway through the video rn but my friend does disclosure through making jokes such as “back when I was a girl…” and stuff along those lines so his transness is implied but the subject of the conversation is not disclosure itself! Thought I’d drop this in case it is helpful! Thanks for your videos you’re amazing!
I love what you said about the casual coming outs and just being happy with being trans/not wishing you were cis. As soon as I started thinking of and acting as if my trans experience was completely normal and average it healed most of my insecurities around it.
i'm glad it's not just me that can't find friendship or even connection in trans groups. or in lgbt groups too. i get along best with cis straight guys even though i'm trans and bisexual. you're definitely right about the labels not equaling true friends
Love this video thank you!
This is so uplifting especially as a trans (genderfluid) person myself!
new video! ❤ thank you for your relatable content, im a newbie subscriber so this is my first comment afaik but i really wanted to say thanks
Hell yeah thanks for joining 🥰
wow the intro to this video genuinely got me hyped to watch the rest 😆👍
yay!! a new arthur rockwell video ^-^
For me i only felt excluded by other trans people because I'm the only one that had Phalloplasty I had been to so many trans groups i never met anyone in person that has had Phalloplasty 😳 im also the only trans man that needs facial masculinization surgeries I've often told I pass but it doesn't stop me from feeling dysphoric when I look in the mirror and when i hear my voice as im dysphoric about that too while being 8 years on T i have felt very alone due to being years on T and still having dysphoria with my face and voice
I just want to say, that as I've considered my transition journey i was really concerned about how welcome trans masc/men would be in gay spaces and I feel relieved that, at least from your perspective, its generally pretty normal. Coming from spaces like lesbian spaces there is certainly a TERF presence among lesbians and even among lesbians who do find trans women attractive, i have also come across non-binaryphobia (im sure this is an issue in these spaces as well but not as black and white as I thought). Im still exploring what my identity is, and what my sexuality is but I'm really really glad i found your channel and that you are willing to talk about these nuances and experiences.
This this this. These are all so valid and so happy you're speaking on it.
Amazing insights. Thanks.
You managed to make even a video about problems have a positive and hopeful vibe. Thank you so much :)
Hmmm, how about a size comparison joke to come out to a date?
I mean, if you want to talk about a formative thing in your life you can just do that? Doesn't really need a big preamble about you being trans, unless that person doesn't know what trans means. You job has a pretty large impact on your life too. It's something people usually ask about, so close friends will usually know. But for example in a casual conversation with a new acquaintance I might mention how I'm tired cause I just got off a night shift, and only then say what my job actually is. If the subject comes up you might talk about your experiences in some "all-girls" spaces when you were younger, and then add a "I'm a trans man btw", or just let people put one and one together.
Also there's always gonna be some things about yourself that other people don't know or won't learn about until years into your relationship. Not necessarily out of secrecy, just because the subject has never come up and like... you physically can't tell every single person every single detail about your life. So you kinda just talk about the things that you think might be relevant to them. I'm vegan, have been for over a decade, but unless someone wants to cook something for me and needs to know my dietary preferences, I wouldn't usually mention it? Cause while it obviously affects how I live my own life, it's completely irrelevant for other people. So I assume there's several friends who don't know.
A binary system only had two states (say, 1 and 0) an analogue system has infinite states (2, 4.86, 13.5, 2793.37902...) and it ALSO includes 0 and 1. So it's totally possible to break the binary and still acknowledge the existence of men and women. Or should be, at least. But yeah, it's tricky. As a nonbinary person I'd love to live in a world where gender generally isn't assumed and the default is neutral, where a man can wear a skirt without having his masculinity questioned, where someone can grow a beard and doesn't have to "balance" it out with a full face of makeup to justify being nonbinary. But at the same time I know that people correctly reading your gender can be really nice, and I don't want to take that away from anyone. So idk what the ideal world would be like. (Aside from like, if you clearly state you're a man, people should accept you as a man. Duh?)
Also as a broad experience, if you find a thing that's very specific, so you think it should fit you perfectly, you have higher expectations. So every little thing that doesn't quite fit you perfectly sticks out even more. Wheras if it's something that's more general, you're more likely to just be pleasantly surprised if it does fit you quite well, and notice the things that don't quite fit less.
idk I'm trying so hard to appreciate this and I'm very thankful to you for putting out joyful content but idk how I can feel any joy when my problem is I'm worried I'll never pass. it's been 3 years on t and yet I still never get called a man by strangers. my own therapist still misgenders me because I look and sound like a girl. I don't know a single cis man who accepts me as a peer. I just don't see myself ever getting over this part of transition and having normal problems. some people just never ever get to pass.
I love the idea of connecting from experience rather than from label, cause I see that sometimes when we get too intense about words and definitions, we end up othering people more often than including. And the last thing we need right now is more separation
Love your perspective about how all of those things really just stem from being human and that communication can be difficult
I feel this so hard as a binary trans man too. Thank you for articulating it so well, it’s just not talked about, and if it is, accusations of bigotry come but like… we literally just want to share trans spaces. Idk if it’s overcorrection or the general men= bad thing in queer spaces?
It sucks.
thanks for sharing :)
its a big problem that binary trans people aren’t as welcome in trans spaces. a lot of queer and trans spaces are really anti men, and calling yourself a man can be difficult. I feel like some people understand being nonbinary a lot more than being trans, which has shifted in the last few years
I still keep watching your videos even tho I am no longer questioning, and that part about how enby trans people are more oppressed or whatever than gay/bi folks because they constantly have to be out just felt wrong to me. Like… part of lgbt oppression IS having to stay in the closet and fearing social ridicule otherwise. It is a struggle both being out and also having to hide yourself/fear being outted. We shouldn’t rank these two issues, they go hand-in-hand!
I really struggle with the exclusion from the community too especially as a binary straight trans man. I miss being able to be part of LGBT spaces, but now it just feels like everything is so heavily politisized and that a masculine straight identity has somehow become something people view in a hostile manner, which really differs from how the earlier LGBT community used to be very encouraging of transhet binary transitions. Nowadays I have no space to be part of where I can celebrate my newfound identity without others forcing their own identities or views on me, and it's just really lonesome and disappointing.
21:20 Yeah, it’s definitely hard sometimes, bc like, how do you bring something like that up? Idk, lol
Great video! I really like your way of presenting your experiences in such an educational way. I have a lot of thoughts around your point about trans spaces. I get what you mean with not fitting in to the trans ”norm” but I feel like your analysis of they/them pronouns as incorrect confused me a little. To me they them doesnt exactly classify as a gendered pronoun that someone would use to specifically mark you as a specific third ”non-binary” gender. From my view and what i experience around me the they pronoun is mostly used as a sort of umbrella. One to simply refer to a person no matter their gender.
What my point is: I’m not on the same page of how they/them could feel misgendering to be called when it doesnt gender you at all. It would simply be a gender neutral option used for anyone. And it can be really useful to be able to use a common pronoun when you don’t know everyone personally and know their specific prefered pronouns.
hi arthur! i discovered your channel literally today, but i already feel so comforted by it. as a trans teenager who can't come out because i'm surrounded by not so supportive people, you give me hope.
As someone who's figuring out their gender identity, I love your channel. You literally answer all my questions! Thank you for sharing your experience.
Honestly you’re the only trans masc TH-camr I know of who makes joyful content.
All the other trans masc TH-camrs are cool and all but they only make reactionary content which is not my cup of tea.
I’m thankful for you ❤
Hi there for your first reason. I have sturggled with that too. Like If i were to be quite masculine I could get comments. It can also be the case with some women who are quite scared of men. I think its fair and although its uncomfortable I kind of see it as me being socialised as a guy. I used to either out myself as a trans guy, as gay or just a "nice guy" (in the sense not misogynistic and predatory) in order to be accepted among afab people. I also sometimes struggled with feminine guys because I wasnt as feminine. At this point I just have accepted it is the result of my positioning as a rather masculine queer gay just like cis queer guys that are masculine presenting. I just brush off the comments by recognizing that people have reasons to be scared of guys. I also understand why they do not assume i m a guy based on my apearance and so I will just say my pronouns and they should respect it just like a cis queer guy would. You say you feel good in gay guys circles so maybe just extend to overall lgbt circles rather than trans circles. I recommend else just making some trans guys friends either in person or online. I think as well what helped me is to stop expecting that because people share common experiences such as being trans that we will get along. I think going to lgbt events is worth it but it does not have to be the place you feel most comfortable. Honestly maybe going once in a while to lgbt events will make you meet a person you ll feel comfortable with and that will make it worth it. I think I have gotten much more comfort from watching some trans guys like you online and making some one-one frienships with trans people than in overall trans circles. Anyway lots of love. Keep going with your videos!
love you man!
13:41 yeah I had a kid and had a cut down there and that’s such a trans body experience but on the negative end aswell, like that cut is really invasive but it gave me some awesome creation.
Arthur, what advice would you give your younger self that was in that what if state, sure of something and then going back on and off a continuous cycle?
New sub here. Very relatable, I understand pretty much EVERYTHING exactly as you described. Would be happy to elaborate via email or DM. One small suggestion/request...(and I fully understand about being so excited about a subject, verbage speak breaks the speed record). This old fart's brain and hearing aint what it used to be. Would you consider slowing down a tad? Have never been good at speed listening. Plus, again, genuine OldFart here. Nice content.😊😁
When you watch a video and click on it you should see a gear image - tap that and it'll give you the settings. Tap Playback Speed and go from x1.0 (normal speed) down to x0.75 or lower, that should help in the meantime!
Thank you for this video, I’ve been struggling a lot as a pre T Trans man for the past 3 years and your content has been really uplifting
good luck!!
@@izagutowska8316 thank you!
thanks for being a bro to all of us
Im non-binary and I've noticed some of this weird othering of binary trans people. I literally heard someone say "cis trans people" and i was so confused. They explained that (from their perspective) binary trans people who desire to pass don't want to be out and known that they are trans. It was said with some contempt and i found it really distasteful for them to feel this way. I don't necessarily want to be targeted as queer and harrassed or in danger but i don't think im better than someone because i don't have passing privilege or that people don't default say my pronouns by just looking at me. Sure there are some toxic trans people (transmedicalists for example) that are othering non-binary people and claiming they aren't real or valid. But that isn't all trans people and you know, constantly announcing your identity is kind of exhausting so i think it seems very normal that a passing trans person wouldn't necessarily be "out" 100% of the time. I shouldn't be holding animosity towards bianary trans people for that fact. Just don't punch down is the main thing for me.
It kind of reminds me of how bisexual people get freaked out on regularly especially by gay and lesbian people (not all of course) and basically if a bi person is in a relationship with someone that looks heteronormativity they get shit on for it because they "have passing privilege" and can fly under the radar without being targeted. I just don't see how its the bi persons fault, when its the environment that causes this targeting. And a bi person can feel about a person how ever they feel and date whoever they feel like and they shouldn't be labeled as problematic for it. There is so much biphobia around this and its just another form of punching down and pressuring someone to act and look in a way that is "more queer" according to others expectations instead of just admitting that the whole point of pride is that people can be whoever they want and need to be.
Arthur: "I felt lonely so I joined a trans support group."
The support group: *Non-binary people and Arthur*
SIDENOTE: Arthur, you are one of the very few passing binary trans men who still want to connect with trans spaces, that kinda gets in the way of living a stealth life.
EARLY!!
For disclosing that you are trans, consider getting a tattoo, patch, etc of a trans flag. While it might eliminate some of the pain of the 'disclosure' discussion, it might also attract people who are really curious, for the good or the bad of it.
I dated a trans man a few years ago - he sought me out on grindr, as my profile states "I don't top". He said this made him comfortable, and we had a lot of fun.
wrt cis gay spaces, a month ago I was talking to another trans friend on twitter, and he described his ability to go to gay bathhouses and be welcomed (in Europe). As a result, I went to my first bathhouse (I'm 53 chubby cis gay) 3 weeks ago, as I figure, if he can be comfortable there, I figured would be too. And I was. The idea that consent is so central to that space, and made me feel safer and fit in and felt at home too (even though I really did not do much).
I love you sharing your 'human experience' and, while I am not trans, I really feel what you describe is relevant to my life as well. So thank you.
I like treating telling people im trans like it's a fun fact
"Hey, did you know that I'm a trans guy"
i wanna hear more about that number 1 problem! it was very interesting to hear your pov on it :O
Any advice on dealing with jealousy of cis men, it hurts so much 😢
The framing you began the video with is hugely helpful ! Saying they are not strictly trans issues, and therefore don’t other you, I really really love that sentiment thank you
And I really like how you’re always on the left side of the screen /gen
this is so interesting how the real life trans space has evolved. it feels like maybe those spaces are fresh, baby non binary ppl there hence the lack of relatability. being from a country where males have to serve mandatory military/navy/police national service, when in job interviews, i have to out myself as trans even though i wanna stay stealth, honestly, its tiring. funny thing is, the topic of national service comes up when there is a man who is part of the interviewers
This video especially in the sexuality department is so very reassuring omg thank you for making it and being so open about it.
I myself do think its fun and sexy to be trans in that way but I have had one single relationship in my life while i was still thinking i was a cis woman, and haven't felt comfortable even pursuing anything of the sorts until my surgery is through, and now that ive been post op for a while I just haven't had the time and energy to go out and try my luck but the entire time I've been thinking there is no way any guy would ever be interested unless they are bisexual because I hear so much negativity in some gay centric spaces about female bodies I genuinely started to believe that 90% of gay men would be repulsed if I opened up but you really opened my eyes and it made me giddy :>
ALso one of my fave things in relation to being trans and having personal issues is that I for one struggle a lot with self image (right now mainly being overweight and aforementioned worries), and yet i constantly get told how brave i am that i would be willing to deal with injections for the rest of my life???? I mean yeah I had to overcome a severe fear of needles but now its literally nothing? thanks I guess??? xD
((I would like to mention, to make this even more amusingly ridiculous, is that here in germany we (or at least most people?) get injections by our doctors/nurses once every 3 months and then we don't have to deal with anything so as long as you can handle needles and sometimes a bit of pain for half a day max, its a REALLY minor inconvenience yet it's the one thing I'm getting commented on the most lol
I appreciate the fact that you take the time to actually create good content for your channel. And as someone that plans on your transitioning, I understand that this is slightly off topic, but it makes me so happy to hear that you completed your transition because it gives me such an enormous amount of confidence and hope that I can transition, and get to the equivalent of where you are one day..... so in other words thank you for doing what you do....
I’m asexual and I went to asexual student group at uni and they were just talking about the video games they liked which I didn’t know about so I did not fit in
Hi Arthur! I found your videos at the end of last year and as a cis gay man I really appreciate you talking about your experiences as a trans gay man. Looking forward to seeing more from you in the new year!
samzeessss slayyyy ;)
❤❤
I find it very difficult to get along with groups in general but even more so in mixed trans groups. It used to be the case when I first came out (20 years ago) that the mixed trans groups were dominated by trans women and I would be the token trans man. Now it is majority non-binary people, no shade on non-binary people, some of my closest friends identify as non-binary, but I just don't fit in there either. The other thing is I'm "white-passing" mixed-race and I have a lot of experience with racism that white people don't understand in relation to my transness and culturally my family is from a very different background to most of my trans peers, so I don't have anyone to talk to when I run into problems that are specific to those issues. I don't feel comfortable in spaces designed for PoC because of being "white-passing" but also don't feel comfortable in predominately white spaces either. Then again I'm just not comfortable around groups of people anyway due to being neurodivergent (AuDHD). I have only found 2 groups that I comfortably fit into (well comfortable as I get anyway, lol) and 1 is a group run for trans autistic people, a relatively small group of mostly binary trans men and women, with I think only a couple of non-binary people. The other is a transmasc group which is predominately trans men but does have a few non-binary folks.
The only time I feel out of place in the broader LGBTQ+ community is a combination of being trans and disabled. I've had first stage phallo but decided not to have the urethral lengthening due to an increased risk of complication because of several health conditions so I still have to sit to pee, that's fine as I probably would have had to anyway because my balance is awful. Anyway, a lot of the LGBTQ+ spaces here in the UK are in incredibly inaccessible buildings, with no disabled facilities, often having toilets down/up steep flights of stairs, if you can even get in the building at all. The public toilets often shut really early, so if you go to an evening event/club there are no facilities anywhere nearby so you either need to be able to hold it in or restrict your fluid intake to be able to attend. Events will often be held in places that aren't suitable for anyone with access needs, they also tend to be held in parts of town that are super difficult to get to if you are reliant on public transport/have the worst public transport links. The disabled LGBTQ+ community is almost always an afterthought. When I've been in my chair at pride events I've had people literally climb over me to get past rather than wait for a space to clear.
So a combination of all of the above, means I just don't attend many queer events anymore. Just so many things to take into consideration and takes a lot of planning/executive functioning that by the time I get there, I'm already exhausted.
Idk if this helps but idk maybe think of the whole trans disclosure thing like how someone would ask if the other person had protection/a condom cause.. ultimately, I believe, the disclosure is for your protection cause idk you might run into someone bad..
If you want disclosure to be more casual, you could say "it's not a big deal, but I'm trans". In the club situation it should be obvious why you're saying it, but for a friend you could add "I'm letting you know so I can tell stories about my past". If you say it this way I think people will understand that it isn't some momentous thing, and just another fact about you.
I can see where there might be tension and a difference of experience between passing and non-passing trans people, although as a late in life trans-femme transitioner who will never be passing Ive only had great experiences in queer and trans spaces and love the trans men I've met (knowingly trans at least.😂)
12:06 12:39 Aurthur you should look at getting a v.h.c piercing