Am I About to Destroy My Marriage?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 ต.ค. 2024
- Am I About to Destroy My Marriage?
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Adults bullying children have no idea the damage they do to that child’s future self.
Do you think they care? I don’t know.
A spouse using childhood trauma as an excuse for abuse is a coward who won’t confront their own inadequacies in the relationship.
@@vanmamawannabe6360 probably not!
And they don't care. It's wild.
@@Veracityseeker7 And when called on it you get the old 'wasnt that bad' or 'I thought you'd have forgotten that by now' once the damage comes to the surface and chickens come home to roost.
“Tell that 9 yr old little boy: I’m 32 now, I’ll take this from here, go run and play” 🥺😢😭
Theo Von also said this in a conversation with Duncan Trussell.
Powerful phrase.
@@NickRaeff very powerful. It had me very emotional. As part of my own healing I wrote to my young self a few years ago, which helped, but it wasn’t as profound as this 🥺
@@NickRaeff I just searched and watched a video of those guys. ‘Everything’s perfect’
“What I mean by perfect, is it doesn’t mean you won’t get eaten by a giant cat”
@@JennieC21 😂😂😂
My eyes just watered…
Man this call hit home.
When I was little I was silenced. I was hit. I was screamed at. I was held by my throat. I was backhanded with ringed fingers. I even had hair ripped out of my head.
I was SAd. And told to be quiet.
Around 11 years old I was called a wh00000rE by a lot of adults. 13-15 years old I was called a sl*t by my peers because I had breasts and held myself differently then they did.
I didn’t have a single adult that protected me. Those that raised me hated that I was alive because they couldn’t have kids of their own so I was told how worthless I was.
I didn’t realize how bad that hurt me until I turned 20. I fought the memories until I started having panic attacks at 28. I’m 2 years into therapy and I feel so much better.
If you have horrible memories I’d definitely recommend talking to your little self. Thank them for hanging on and being strong and let them know that grown us you is here and is ready to take over. I know it sounds weird but it helps. Do it privately so you can cry and love little you.
If you’ve read this and are struggling, I hope you find peace and heal. 💕
I'm terribly sorry, I pray for healing 🙏🏿❤️
Wow
I’m incredibly sorry
But no matter what
God is still with you
Vengeance is mines says the Lord
❤healing is the gift you give yourself and the healthy people you want to be around. You’re a beautiful child of God, now a beautiful adult! ❤thank you for sharing.
Im sorry you went throught that i also went through alot of abuse and i know emdr and art thearpy really helped me get through it in art thearpy in the end you go to the foundation of peace and happiness and you bring all your younger selfs and i love going there with my younger self and telling them everything going to be okay things will get better i promise
I was raised with a step Dad and he came from a good family but , once they started drinking they changed and they would scream and yell! My step Dad was forced to go to War and after all the horrible things he experienced at .He started drinking at 21 and he would get angry when he drank!
But he thought he was OK he didn't realize his behavior was getting worse over time.
He started seeking God in everything he did. Praying to know what church is true and what church to join for a year ! He looked at every church you could imagine! He Prayed for a sign , and one day after Praying the missionaries of The church of Jesus Christ of latter day saint's, came to our door.
We took missionary lessons and we all joined the church! My Dad chose to stop drinking alcohol join the church and he became the person God needed him to be and the person he wanted to be!
The gospel changed our lives forever, we grew up with lots of ❤️ ❤love and understanding, we had good self esteem! God has the power to heal us all in difficult times, if we choose him,in our lives and put the teachings of Jesus Christ first! We were all sealed as a family in the LA Temple, so we could be a forever family! I'm forever grateful for the gospel in my life and who it's made me become!❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉
The fact that he admitted that and acknowledges he needs to work on himself is quite a brave thing. I hope he frees himself from this 😢
I think this guy was mentally and emotionally abused far more than he realises. Chronic, ongoing.
He's so used to it, that he doesn't recognise how ingrained and deep it is.
I do pray he does get the right help and sets his life onto a better track.
🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻
@@diane4488 yes, most behaviour like this is reactive abuse from past trauma. This is the thing with child abuse, it makes children grow up to bleed on other people who haven’t cut them. The trauma gets passed on from generation to generation. His abuser probably has a sad story of his own from his childhood too
Yes it is a good thing to admit he needs to work on himself. It's also part of being an adult in an adult relationship. It's a shame he didn't go into marriage with this maturity
I wish most doctors were like Delony, brutal, honest and compassionate all at once. Thank you for all you do. You’re changing people’ lives.
At 14.27 Dr John mentions Dr Petera -- how do I find out more about him?
To have a man of 32 ask for help is rare but so amazing. I pray he is getting help and enjoys his family and life from here on out.
If my dad heard all this and applied it, my childhood would been 100% different and I wouldn't still be struggling with self esteem to this day (I'm 37). If you're a dad, please do this. My dad's disappointed, angry with me voice became my inner voice.
And I'm not a victim, but it's such a struggle fighting upstream.
Same...53. Still working it out.
I could have written this comment only that I’m 36. But I finally found freedom and forgave him once finding forgiveness through Jesus for my own sin. I didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness. My dad didn’t deserve my forgiveness. But forgiving my dad freed me from all his crappy baggage. I no longer wait for my dad to change or make it right. He owes me but I’ve cancelled the debt.
I understand your pain. No amount of success will fix it. My dad was a HUGE bully.
You can do it, Ed. We’re rooting for you~
After having children, I could never understand how my parents didn’t tell me multiple times a day that I was beautiful. I will never understand them.
Same here. 😊
My mother was disappointed that I was a plain looking child. She thought her daughter would be beautiful like she was
@@Cybele1986
That’s horrible. I am so sorry.
This episode nearly had me in tears. He wants to be a better man and you are guiding him so well. Wishing him all the best!!
This caller could change his family tree 🥲
Yessssss!!!!!!
As in delete it?
@@beepbopboop7727as in "don't repeat the conditions you were raised in"
Hope you were just trying to be edgy with that "delete" comment.
This was such an enlighening call. Ed ended up exploring a relationship that impacts him so deeply that it's affecting his behavior, and I'm pretty sure this revelation surprised him. Dr. John did a great job of delving into the source of Ed's anger. I didn 't think the call would end up going this way, but it was really insightful, and I'm sure John flipped a lightswitch on for Ed. Good job!
😂 let alone flipping the switch for Ed! He flipped it for me! Truly grateful 🙏🏾 ❤🎉
I hate that we have to clean up these emotional messes that we didn’t cause or make.
True. I agree it’s not fair. But to reframe it, inner work is growth and it can take you to better things. Choosing to change things for future generations is something to be proud of.
Life is not fair and if not us, then who? Everyone has trials and they are designed for us…it’s literally our work to do. We either choose to grow up or not…simple and hard but playing victim keeps us young.
Yes! It’s not fair! And it’s proper and good to be angry about it! And that’s one of the steps to healing. Acknowledging that you WERE hurt. That you ARE STILL dealing with something they did.
What really helps is naming that (alone or with a therapist) and hitting a pillow. Taking back your power and your voice. Not taking it to the person who caused it, but facing it and trusting that you have the right to feel that way!
Then again all of our ancestors had it way worse. Survival only. Not a bad thing that we have enough safety that we can work on our psych openly to elevate what our ancestors fought to preserve- life of our civilization.
Let's do it! Let's free ourselves
I have a friend who takes the time to listen, and respond to my kids, like what they have to say to her is important. I really wish I told her how much that means to me. My mom’s friends were annoyed by us…they often dismissed what we had to say, and it often felt as though my mom had to make her friends comfortable to our detriment. I’ve been working on telling my kids their ideas are good ideas, and they often have good ideas because they are smart. If their ideas are bad we talk about where those ideas lead 😂, but I don’t like dismissing their ideas. My inner child cries for the need to be heard because I wasn’t given the space to feel my ideas and thoughts were important when I was a child.
From personal experience, I was raised like what you witnessed, and also yd to STFU when adults are talking and that I was annoying.
Now, as an adult I'm quiet and I just keep quiet since I feel like what I have to say doesn't matter and what I say annoys people.
@@curlyhairdudeify same 🥹
Tell your friend how much you admire her approach. Everyone needs support and affirmation
Ed, I am really proud of you for reaching out. You've got this man. Toxic shame is poison... I know you will do well. ❤
Admitting was the biggest step to becoming a new man husband and dad. Be kind.
Out of all the great shows you’ve done, THIS ONE, is absolutely fantastic, on point, relatable and heartfelt.
The advice you gave Ed was handed over in manageable ‘bite size to-dos’, but it was also HUGE in substance and hope.
Hopefully Ed will follow through.
You changed this guys life and gave a great set of tools to so many others out there.
Great job John! I’m so proud of you.
💯💯💯
I often wonder if my husband ever looks into topics like this.. this is exactly what Im going through (as the wife) and I'm unfortunately at the contempt stage and have little to no desire to work it out for the 1000th time.. even though "little" me, wants to.. as I have to witness my husband CLEARLY suffering from trauma, he's never dealt with. The real 💩 part is when you have kids. Because they ABSOLUTELY DO take on that "baggage", and it's 100% NOT FAIR. I've ended up better off than my parents, and him with his too..but then theres the elephant in the room sitting on everyone. THIS! *exactly what John said.*
This is abuse. If you aren’t already, please talk with a licensed counselor. Have a plan to remove you and your children from his anger episodes.
Talk with a couples counselor, if that doesn’t work, put your head down, and get your money together in secret, file for divorce. You don’t need to wait around until he’s healed. If he doesn’t show the effort, move on for your sake and for your children’s sake.
Hi, I wanted to check on you. How are you?
Ues my husband screams n yells over nothing or something. Has tantrums like a very small child. Never admitted to anything. Nothing. On and on and on.
The real elephant in the room is you aren’t protecting your kids. You may even be using them as a shield. What you are describing sounds wayyyy too familiar to me.
My mom was too “in love” to do the hard work of keeping us safe. She felt it was her job to protect HIM, to bubble wrap him from the consequences of his own actions. We kids were inconsequential annoyances if we got targeted (as we did daily) She blamed us for upsetting him. It was NEVER what we did, I was a good kid but got beat daily 3-5 times, My brother was wild and got beat daily 5-10 times. My dad was extra psycho. It was 100% his fault.
It was also 100% Mom’s fault. There is a DUTY to protect children.
Mom’s confusion is she felt a duty to protect HER MARRIAGE and Dad.
I really, really needed this. My mom is an A List narcissist with an undiagnosed personality disorder, and I’m an only child. It was and still can be a living hell. I’ve gone to always think of how my mom is going to feel or act before I’ve done anything in my life. And I’ve learned to slowly set those boundaries. It’s exhausting.
At least you see the reality I’m married with a guy with a narcissistic mother and he does whatever she wants.
@@ileanaari7505 Make sure he understands how you feel. The first time I realized my mom was crazy was thanks to my first relationship. My girlfriend and I spent a couple months with her during covid and it was awful (well, it was great in other ways but not in relation to my mom), she made me realize how much was wrong and we started making steps to move away and reduce contact.
Way to go and Congratulations on choosing your emotional health and overall wellbeing!!! 💕💕💕
This sounds like my ex MIL. I felt like the woman who stole her husband. I’m so glad to be away from my ex and his parents.
Me too! Only child and even now as an adult if I do one thing as an adult she doesn’t like she gets upset.
Children are meant to be seen, not heard. The adults who went through that as a child are now putting their loved ones through crap.
I can admit this had lasting, scarring effects now that I am an adult.
Seen and not heard? I grew up emotionally abused because I was only physically seen and never heard.
I admit that I am this child.
@@Polytonal3 this episode hit hard this morning. My husband was severely emotionally abused, he doesn't see it at all. He is narcissistic with a bad temper. I have a health condition that hasn't been figured out yet and am in pain with nausea most of the time. (Intercourse is a distant memory) Last night I couldn't cook a full dinner and offered taco meat but he said he'd just pick something up for himself. That should have been a warning. He got home angry as all getout, obviously thought about it since our last text, started off by saying, "I'm sick of everything! Your stomach hurts because of all the meds you take. I'm sick of being in a sexless marriage! Either it changes or you move out!" Out of the blue...
I get blowups like this once a month or so. I need to leave.
ACA meetings are amazing for this.
I wish my dad was like John an authentic masculine warrior helping humanity 🙏🏻.
Oh God, I can’t stop crying when I’m listening to Ed. He is such a sensitive and kind-hearted person that was so badly hurt by someone as a child. I pray for him and anyone who has experienced similar things as a kid to heal totally from it and love themselves. You are valuable! You are enough, you are wonderfully made! You don’t need to prove your worth to anybody. Keep going, look what’s ahead of you. I pray for you Ed, for your wife and family. You deserve better, I wish you well🌸
❤❤❤
This topic hit home for the two most important men in my life.
Funny Dr John said: you re not 12 years old ….my husband was a “man child” too. We laughed about it but at times his anger would spill over, he lost his own Dad when he was 13 years old. In his 50s after being diagnosed with his own cancer he still described the day his Dad died as the worst day of his life. We were children in the 60s and no one talked about the loss the children suffered. He was told to be the man of the house now. I knew how deeply hurt he was by that. He passed from cancer at 60 and was a wonderful Husband & Father.
The other one was my Dad. Raised by the children should be seen and not heard crowd. He was very hurt in his childhood. He was a good father. I could see his hurt as a little boy. I felt his pain as he tried to tell me how to live. He actually told us once that he would tell us what to think and how to think. I was a teenager thinking: this man is nuts.
He often belittled what I knew: yes I was a know it all teenager - but my hurt Dad did not know how to reach me other than to tell me he was in charge and that I knew nothing.
I loved my Father but I often said- he loved me but he didn’t like me. I wasn’t compliant enough for him.
It’s ok Dad- I get it. I see how they hurt you and that’s why this happened.
This video was a great therapy session for me. At 72 I’m still resolving things in my head because of all these things my favorite men in the world went thru as children. Thanks Dr John.
Thank you for this
This was a really powerful episode. The caller is worth so much more and worth putting that backpack down. I love the advice of no longer letting the outside person control your emotions. Break free!
The first step in change is acknowledging and owning there's a problem. And the adults in a childs life can make or break them. Ed sounds like he's in that place. What a wonderful segment of the show. I hope he does make the changes to have the happy marriage and life he wants.
I don’t usually relate so much to this show’s calls that I cry. This helped me tap into why I’m so angry at times. I’m one of those super temperate people until they feel attacked or unseen. Then the rage… for the first time I looked back on my abandonment as a child and why that would make me so insecure that I have to rage when I feel triggered. For once, I really empathised with that little girl and that really choked me up.
Relatable ❤🎉
I felt the same 😢🩷🙏🏼
From personal experience, I was raised like that as a child, and also was told to STFU when adults are talking and that I was annoying.
Now, as an adult I'm quiet and I just keep quiet since I feel like what I have to say doesn't matter and what I say annoys people.
Hi there. You should know that what you have to say does matter and the right people will make you want to stay curious and ask questions. 🙂
Wow. I needed to hear this viewpoint. Thank you.
@@mrs.stonecabin5168 You're welcome! Stay curious ☺
Me too, me too
@@dudewhat7738 Yeap, an as of today I don't think I can change or my brain can be rewired; the socialization period and formation of the socialization parts of the brain and neuronal connections happen during childhood.
So I basically, never developed such brain circuitry.
My ex, we're still co-parenting a young child, always said and now tells our child "I've forgotten more than most people ever know!" This was an interesting watch but I had to pause when I initially heard that here because it took me back to our worst moments.
Hope your kid is ok.
What does this mean? That they are smarter than you or something?
@@cheech123four when people say that they are basically telling that person that they’re stupid, and that they have no chance of ever being anything but stupid. It’s an extremely hurtful phrase, and you can imagine how hearing that over and over can truly harm a child’s mental health. It’s cruel, and in my opinion, unforgivable.
Yeah if that's someone's worst moment they're a good parent tbh
Such a bizarre phrase. It comes across as such a painful bluff (“I’m the smartest person in how world”) that you have to pity the person who said it.
My "friend" has been like that for 50+ years. His wife left him after 17 years and his 3 adult kids won't talk to him. Actually his own mother and most of his siblings won't talk to him either.
So you still talk to him?
My mom is the same way. She's so toxic that neither I or my brother have any kind of relationship with her anymore. Her family wants nothing to do with her. She's lost several friends because of it. She won't go to therapy and won't admit any guilt either. I tapped out for good a year ago, after trying to give her chance after chance after chance.
@@citrustaco Yeah occasionally. He got in a bad self-inflicted motorcycle accident and I feel a little sorry for him
I bet he eats Thanksgiving dinner alone. Sounds like he deserves it.
@@donaldshotts4429 You're a good person.
I came across your channel today and I’m stuck here 🤗 I’m learning things already from this channel. Watching from Nigeria🇳🇬
He's awesome!
Delony inspired me to tear down a 6 year old wall that was built between my wife and me. I’m not kidding either. It’s crazy actually to think some guy on TH-cam really helped me radically change my relationship for the better.
Im listening from Ireland.
@ChideraCynthiaRN Blessings, my African sister 🇬🇭🇬🇧❤️
Control is never a good thing in any relationship because then you end up in a power struggle. Let go of "control" for your own sake, not theirs. The only control you have is of yourself unless you are out of control.
I really do appreciate Dr Deloney's zero-tolerance stance on these matters!
This might have been one of John’s best calls ever in terms of the advice. ❤
I'm a 28 year old woman and I have been struggling with nearly the same thing (though I can only think of one specific time my person tore me down and made me feel stupid--but I struggle to remember much of my childhood). My person has also majorly reformed and is a very positive force in my life now, but I'm still really struggling to let go of needing to be right and feeling torn down when people don't agree with me (especially my husband). It's a horrible feeling, losing my temper like a child, and I feel IMMENSE guilt after. Like crippling, soul crushing guilt, cause when my emotions are under control I don't want to hurt ANYONE in any way shape or form (no I'm not physically violent, but my words turn into daggers and I HATE it). I almost didn't post this comment out of shame. But if I can't even post anonymously on the internet about it, how can I expect to do the hard work to make it better and stop feeling that shame? Thank you SO much John. I'm definitely following your usable tips. I needed a direction to head in and didn't know how to even start besides tearing myself down further (obviously not helpful).
Treat yourself as though you are someone worth helping...you are worth it.
I have the same thing! But for me the result is I isolate myself because I don't want that anger to come out...
Also what makes me so ashamed is that anger comes out with people I feel safe with who I guess I believe won't answer back( but if I come across a jerk I feel so intimidated I want to hide.
Thank you for sharing that.
Wow what a call, it kicked me in the feels. It was like seeing in real time Dr. D stop the music, turn the lights on and get to the root of the issue. Absolutely love the empathy Dr. D showed and so impressed by the courage and humility of the caller
This sounds exactly like my husband except he gets mad when I try to get him to open up about the very obvious family trauma based reasons he's like this. He rages at me when I do that. I try to open up conversations outside of fights, I try to show him a lot of compassion, but it's no use... Yes I've asked him to go to therapy, he has zero respect for therapy, he makes fun of it... Unless I am totally agreeable and don't ask him to fulfill any needs, and accept a lot of emotional neglect, he's great. But if there's any problem, he is completely out of control angry and self righteous, he also is the eternal victim. He's most likely gonna ruin our marriage. If he hasn't already. And he can sound really nice when he wants to. When I listen to this guy, I wonder if he's just gonna go back to his wife and keep acting the same. My husband can sound extremely remorseful and show a sense of awareness too, when distanced from the actual moment... But he still comes right back to behaving like this. It's impossible. Completely and utterly impossible. Just because there's a good reason, and the guy shows some self-awareness, doesn't mean he'll do anything with that. 💔
That was exactly my marriage. The longest he ever went was one year doing decent. Then flipped the script when lovingly confronted one day and left. Craziness! He always is wanting to come back and I keep telling him no, because I don't trust when the shoe would drop again. Don't know that he's capable of being trusted. Still love him but yeah, he ruined it.
I think the longer someone ( man or woman) behaves like this it’s harder for them to change because they are getting gratification from the behavior and there is no incentive to change especially if loved ones tolerate it. I went through this with my own mother for years until I made it clear I would no longer participate in a dysfunctional relationship, although she’s still the same she understands if she wants to remain in contact with me she needs to manage her behavior.
Your husband sounds a lot like mine lol. I’m beginning to find out that I’m in the same boat. He’s fine if there are no problems or differences, but as soon as there is a disagreement the rage gets let out. I’m getting more and more clear about leaving him. I’ve had to accept blame for 100% of his feelings and behaviors. This same type of action you describe is going to our kids as well. Hopefully you don’t have kids, but if you do just like you he’ll take out all the anger on them. Please be safe, and take care of you. I wish you all the love and happiness. You are not alone. Our husbands should go to group therapy together 😅
Your husbands past "trauma" doesn't give him the right to abuse you. Nobody will blame you if you someday decide to leave the marriage.
I had the same thoughts. Self awareness/acknowledgement is a first step and it's difficult. But actually changing of a lifetime of behavior is far more challenging. It takes so much discipline and you have to want to change truly.
What makes him a piece of crap????? The fact that he is abusive to his family!
Now, thank you for acknowledging your behavior! 99% of men like you, can’t even fathom admitting they have a problem! Listen to Dr John and let go of the anger and insecurities so that you can love and treat your wife/family the way they deserve to be treated! If not, you are just going to pass on this behavior to your offspring! 🙏🙏🙏
The first two minutes I yelled YES COMMEND this man! He is awesome for actually figuring it out and admitting it before he even made the call. So many won’t do that! As a psychotherapist I truly commend this man. My job is to simply help people realize what they already know. We all have the answers within!
Ed, your halfway there already. You have reached out for help. One of the hardest things is to admit you have a problem. Well done, total respect for you. Onwards and upwards, I have a feeling your going to be just fine.
*This was a powerful episode… incredible call!*
So many hurting people in grownup bodies. The more I let go, breathe deep, surrender control, the more peace I feel. I meet everyone where they are in their journey. We’re all at different places and once I get that, I can walk with them, even if where they’re at isn’t where I am. It almost never is. And it’s so nice to allow their place and my place. No trying to change me or them. We just walk together. And in peacefulness, I grow. And if someone wants help in some way, I refer them here to Dr. D and other awesome Guides…Angels among us.
BEST DELONY YET- been a fly on the wall for well over a year and this is the best talk to date. You nailed it Dr Delony!
Everyone go take the time now to go smile at your kid and tell them how amazing their thoughts and ideas are. It’s so healing.
This was my childhood. It took a divorce and a stint in rehab to learn this. I was in my 40’s before I learned that it was abuse. The kid in me still thought it’s what I deserved. The good news is that the way we are wired when we are kids can be repaired and rewired. If I can lead a happy and peaceful life, trust me when I say anyone can😊
Really happy for you 🙏🏿❤️
Thank you for the great freedom hope 🎉
Trust me when I say YOU have no clue how traumatized some other children’s lives are and that CPTSD is developed as they develop as a warning system. It’s stuck on the highest settings for some kids, And that is NOT curable because it has become the new physical shape of their brain. Sure therapy can help. It can even set the dial down a bit lower. But there are kids and adults out there who are basically broken and who will never trust another human ever. Who will never not be angry. I am at an 8 on that scale myself but fully functioning but I have worked with some 9’s ad 10’s. 10’s don’t ever bother listening to wise advice or seeking help because all other opinions are wrong. They may never even look at another humans eyes as they go thru their day. Without a connection they cannot be helped much less “cured”. Child abuse is forever- It is in the subconscious brain- It is the brain.
I went through this process with my mom. I got on my knees with my kids and told them everything was going to be different and I would never yell at them again. And I never did. They are grown and amazing people.
I really enjoy listening to these calls. Your advice is direct, compassionate, and I appreciate asking the callers for the commitment to ending the destructive behaviors.
My dad would say stuff like that to me all the time and it dug a huge well of self-doubt, self-hatred, and anger in me. It's taken me so long to stop grasping for control through being always "right" and "smart". Now that I'm a parent I really try to approach my own child's naivety with curiosity, compassion, and openness. I'll never resent them for having a different point of view because of course they will have different points of view. Maybe they can teach me new things!
You're a good parent 🙏🏿❤️
Yeah this is an episode I have to run back a few times. I think every person has an angry version and a sensible version of themselves hiding behind doors, but it’s about which one we choose to let drive our lives.
Yup!
Thanks doctor John. My mom’s angry with a bad childhood. Been trying to figure out why she is that way and how to help her. She’s a good person but has angry moments. It makes so much sense now. THANK YOU 🙏
Some of us are right here taking it in with you, Ed... -You- *_WE_* got this.💖
Wow this really struck home with me. My mother was the same way with me all her life. I was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. She never hugged me or showed love. And I'm so angry 😡
@Destynwalker7854 my heart hurts for you. No wonder you’re angry. I hope Dr. Delony’s advice to Ed can help you.
I’m sorry, Destyn. You deserved to be deeply loved and protected from people like your mother. I hope you have found people who truly love you and add joy and comfort to your life.
Childhood trauma is so hard to overcome. I was beaten badly but was not allowed to put my hands up to protect myself or it would go on longer. I learned to be still and quiet during beatings to protect myself. That taught me never to stand up for myself, and I am really old. I just get terribly angry when I feel trapped and powerless. I didn’t know where the anger came from. I do now.
Just wanted to say you are an amazing therapist. Keep up the good work helping folks on the airwaves and web waves! And God bless 💟🙏
Thank you for helping the men Dr. John. They need it.
i love his compassion when talking to callers. it means everything to that caller.
Such a powerful call! Thank you Ed for your courage & honesty!!
Wow! Such a powerful show especially for those of us that have had rage and abuse in our lives, and have repeated some of it. .
Trying to heal... Trying to let go of childhood hurt.
Trying to be the parent that I needed.
Dr John thank you for these life changing shows!
They mean so much.
The thing that strikes me from my childhood is my mom told me I was an "unwanted accident, my father's idea, and if she cld do it over again, I wldn't have had you." Bec she never wanted kids and my dad did and then he turned out to be a crappy dad too. I make sure I tell the kids we chose them and we had to go to drs to be able to have them bec we wanted them. My husband has asked me where my rage comes from. I got rid of my parents. I don't associate with them beyond necessity. I set that boundary. I never wld have guessed after I dismissed them that they cld still be feeding my rage.
Yes that was a cold thing. Cold to learn from her own mouth- but clear. My mom never said that but there were plenty of times she showed me she didn’t give a crap about my existence except for what I could do for her. Either way it hurts. I am low contact with her.
People need to be nice to kids-dunno why that’s so hard.
This call is so eye opening!!! I needed to hear this!!!
Wow, my eyes are watering up after listening to this. So glad you shared this call to hopefully help a whole lot of people stop this cycle. So many of us have phrases in our heads that don't belong there, but they've been hardwired in, so they come out of our mouth and damage the next generation. Such a beautiful call with a great plan of how to pack that baggage up and ship it out to the landfill.
Emotional neglect and abuse is some of the most nefarious. It sets you up for a world that doesn't exist. One where most emotions are a source of fear, regret, guilt and much more so you learn to avoid them. The defense mechanisms that get developed seem to stunt everything besides exteme happiness, extreme sadness, extreme anger. Often people feel they are emotional but it's actually they only feel a variation of the three big ones. If they only were a little angry they might have the emotional bandwidth to feel the shame or guilt that maybe underpins the anger, so natually they goto the extreme to bury the trauma and only focus on the anger.
Absolutely phenomenal, and I just realized a close family member did this to me as well - but it was a female. I’ll be going through these same exercises. Thank you, Dr. John!!
Being able to admit that and step outside yourself to realize it one is something most don’t even have the ability to do. You are so far ahead to solving that problem. I also know the solution he needs but it’s not an accepted solution so I’ll shut up lol
What is the solution he needs exactly?
@@KatieLHall-fy1hw the gospel of Jesus Christ in my experience. My dad was just like this. I have found freedom through forgiving my undeserving Dad because I was undeserving of forgiveness for my sin but was forgiven by Christ. My siblings have not had the same experience with Jesus and are having issues.
@@jennprescott2757 that is great for you, but I also think your siblings are on a different path, which isn’t a wrong oath. I wish you all luck
As someone raised by a father with deep seated abuse and rage and alcoholism, really deep pain…
I am incredibly proud of this man for having the conversation. For calling himself out, opening the door to wisdom, and taking a stand in his life.
I wish my father had done this 20 years ago. He’s doing it now, in his 70s kind of, and it’s heavily tinged with regret and self bitterness. The sooner the better ❤
This was incredible.
This was one of the best shows I’ve listened to. I’ve definitely taken a lot of tools from this. I teared up a lot keep helping the world thank you.
You are so awesome Dr. John. Thank you for what you do!! AND FOR THE WAY YOU DO IT WITH SUCH LOVE, AND ACCEPTANCE.
This was me 9 years ago. My wife looked elsewhere. Somehow we worked through it and are still together. I'm nowhere near as bad as I was and still have moments here and there but I make progress every day. It just takes sooooo long. I came to realize it was my toxic mother of all people, that did the damage. We had a nightmarish relationship up until her last breath. I probably should have gotten counseling sooner....
Ooooh, this whole call med me tear up reminds me sooo much of my own past. You go Ed!!!
GREAT CALL!
I love that John makes references to other respected therapists and other professional experts like Peter Attia and Dr.Phil. Take what works from whoever!!
This was a great call with a great response. Thank you.
I am amazed every episode at how freaking great Dr. John is at this job. Outstanding every single time, regardless of who or what comes at him.
I feel sorry for this guy. I have been at his shoe and still struggle with self doubt, hatred and anger time to time when I get triggered. I hated myself of how I treated my loved ones when I would get trigger. I am lucky that my loved ones love me enough to stick by me and help me come through the other side. Only love and complete acceptance was able to save me. He needs real life technical skill to deal with his anger and people that trully care for him. I hope and pray that he is able to find peace himself.
@06:48 "the things we were told become the things we tell ourselves".
@13:30 "drop the backpack and sit down"
@15:28 "the way we talk to ourselves is amplified in how we talk to other people" 🥹😭
One of your best work, Dr John ❤. All the best, Ed 🙏🏿
Agreed - good job John.
This blessed me 💕💕💕 Go Ed and everyone who can now walk in Freedom!!! Forgiveness is a game changer!!!
This is 100% quality content. Thank you so much dr John.
Happy that men are being honest about toxicity. Happy that they are calling in to admit and fix. 👍. Fix. Fix. Fix. There is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. FIX.
Doc, you’re brilliant
Thanks Ed for opening up
Thanks for this convo n upload
Love from Sydney Australia
This vall was so beautiful. It brings me so much joy to A hear men talk to other men with such compassion and awareness. It helps my own heart to recall the lessons in this call that relate to my own life. Itnsucksnthat we have to mend the damage someone else caused. But the other side os a world with far more peace, joy and harmony. As within, so without. Thank you Dr John.
I’ve watched this call a couple of times now. I absolutely love Dr Johns advice in this one ❤
“Feel” is the key word here. You don’t have to be controlled by your feelings.
While i love that he called in to get help, i hope all abused people leave their abusers, period. Its not up to the victims to heal the broken and harmful people on their lives. Its up to the victims to heal themselves.
@elise verrrrryyyyy well said. I 100% agree with you.
Jon is so right about that individual-once you cut ties with the toxic person , their voice actually stops living in your head. It takes a little time but it DOES go away and that changes everything. For me it has been almost 10 years and honestly, I don't even remember what her voice sounds like anymore and it has been a blessing in so many ways. I hope the caller finds the courage to cut ties and take his life back.
Gosh these conversations make me emotional and I don’t know the people calling in!
I'm really, really grateful for this episode. To both you and to the caller. Thank you.
This call was really deep, meaningful, and hopefully impactful for a lot of people.
Matthew McKay's book When Anger Hurts. Quieting the Storm Within.
A therapist and I went through it together, since I was raised in a violent family. Learn those "time outs", and have a plan. In the beginning, my time outs were 3.5 hrs, that's how long it took me to calm down after violence.
Now, after 25 yrs, I can calm down in 20 minutes tops.
Young man so much respect for you. Seeking help❤ know you have a problem and trying to fix it Much respect. much.
I’d love to see more conversations with your wife! i loved watching the episodes of her with you! she’s so amazing! Does she also have her own podcast?
I love these people who say they feel things so strongly--as it they're more sensitive than other people. They don't seem to realize that most people feel strong emotions--they've just learned how to deal with them and be an adult--instead of a child who indulges every emotion.
I wish my ex husband would watch this session! He doesn't care for therapists, and I've had 10 years of therapy to get through his emotional abuse that I'm sure comes from an emotional abused childhood.
I needed this today. Thank you
This right here is powerful stuff! Thank you, Doctor!
Wow. This is such a powerful video. Your insight is quite amazing. My dad was abused as a child and struggles with the same things. I would really like to send this video to him, since you explain everything in such a fantastic and easy to understand way, but the title is kind of unfortunate for sharing with someone who is traumatized and easily triggered. That may be worth considering when choosing titles, since your insight should definitely be shared to those who need to hear it most!
Also those techniques are ones I’ve never heard, brilliant! I’ll definitely be using them myself
I didn't know it but. I needed to hear this exact episode today, replace the anger with sorrow and this is me
I struggle with the same thing, being neglected, bullied, and talked down to and screamed at by my caregivers (strangers)... I have issues with my emotions in relationships.
I can tell from these type of calls John has a hard time holding his anger towards them back. But these are such important conversations to have or it’ll never change.
One of your best ! Thank you ❤
Anger can also be a sign of immaturity/pure selfishness and/or a mood disorder (chemical imbalance). Not all people with anger issues have had something "happen to them". (although I agree that many have experienced injustice/pain).
Wow! Dr. John, you pulled the stops for Ed and for me. Thank you!🎉🎉🎉