Whenever someone says, "I am always late but my friends don't care. They know thats just how I am." This is a HUGE indicator of someone who is painfully unaware. Trust me, your friends care. They just have accepted that you won't change (and since they are not married to you.... they can tolerate your bad behavior in small doses).
This. My husband is late for everything. Including work. I make his breakfast every morning because, granted, I have more time in the mornings than he does. Problem is his time management is still so poor that he takes his breakfast to work to eat at his desk and is still late for work almost every day! He made us late for my grandmother's funeral - I was mortified to be walking in and be the last ones seated, right up at the front. There's no shame, and he's never had to suffer negative consequences for it (like being fired, for example). I just find it infuriating because it's so disrespectful of other people's time, but obviously he does not see it they way.
@@ivnehaas No, but his ex-wife and I spoke about it once (when he was going to be late to pick up his son from her house and I said, ok, I'm leaving without you to get him myself 🤦). I mused to her that I thought he may have ADHD, but that didn't feel quite right. She responded that she thinks he's on the autism spectrum, which makes _way_ more sense to me. After 43 years on this planet, though, I don't see him suddenly caring enough to explore the possibility and make any changes. 🤷
This marriage aside, I want to comment on something this guy said - that he’s got an issue with being late a lot of the time but his friends weren’t bothered by it. NOT TRUE. They might not have been confrontational about it. But no one enjoys always waiting for Mr inconsiderate to finally show up. It comes across that you don’t value other people’s schedule or time or feelings. If they never said anything, that’s because they are nicer people than him.
Not true. I'm the friend who's always late. A few times i was in time, and my friends admitted they suddenly had to rush bc they werent expecting me yet 😂. I had to apologise for being on time 😅 You know your friends, or you dont know your friends. If you dont know them, then you're the one not caring about them.
Also -- clearly his WIFE was bothered by it. It doesn't really matter if his friends weren't angry. She has communicated that she doesn't like being late, so regardless of other people's opinions, THAT is the opinion you need to value.
This guy is annoying me just listening to him, I couldn't imagine being married to him. He doesn't LISTEN, he can't even answer simple questions directly. He's completely on his own planet where he's the main character and the only thing that matters.
Coming from a failed marriage that had a guy like this: your wife doesn’t want to have to do all the thinking, planning and wrangling for kids AND a adult-child. Get off your butt and actually DO SOMETHING. This guy is just another freakin task this lady has to deal with. Why would anyone be happy to see another child-man who looks to her for every decision? You are not a partner, you’re a chore.
But he doesn't know what to do if she doesn't tell him 😂 and when she tells him directly he feels disrespected 😂 and when she backs off and doesnt engage he gets passive aggressive and pouty 😂 and when she feels hurt and gets vulnerable he rejects and invalidates her lol What a LEADER 😂
The why is easy. It was nice for her to have a man that's easy to control while they were dating. She married him because she didn't see the long term repercussion of being with a man like that. Immaturity isn't some problem that just falls out of the sky. It's an issue everyone has until they become mature, so an immature person is someone that never was mature. She knew what he was before they got married.
@cur244 seems to me most women do stuff while men only sit around looking at half-naked women online and playing video games. At least that's my experience.
She wants him to take some responsibility and be accountable for his actions and inactions. And he wants to be praised and looked up to no matter what he does. She'll divorce him sooner or later if he doesn't grow up and be an adult.
"I feel like I'm a likeable person" and "there isn't too conflict in my life." Sounds like he's averse to difficult conversations and responsibilities, which puts alot of emotional burden on the wife. That's most likely why she's not happy all the time.
Perfect marriages or relationships simply don't exist. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to navigating them. What may be effective for Adam might not resonate with Peter. However, I've come to realize that there's always a solution to every problem. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such difficulties in our marriage that divorce seemed imminent. Despite the ordeal, we persevered, and today, we've triumphed over that rough patch, reunited and stronger than ever
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Letting go of someone you love is always challenging, but in my situation, I had the guidance of a spiritual counselor who prevented my marriage from falling apart. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters...
@@oglaskubuot as a fellow man following eve will only turn your heart to more pieces. Not peace. I’ve been there. I hv two beautiful children out of it. But there is a man that died on a cross and rose again that can give you a peace that supersedes all understanding. Seek his heavenly kingdom mindset first and all will be added to you. Instead of trying to develop a better relationship with eve. Develop one with Christ kingdom mindset first. You won’t regret it. Just start reading the words in red. Hopefully wifey join you and you both grow together IN HIM John14:27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
No! He knows where he wants to eat… he is trying to be considerate of her, but she can’t be happy with anything he chooses. So, he lets her pick thinking that he’s being considerate. But, what happens again is that she’s not happy. The problem is usually her, but john is too much of a simp to call women out on their bad behavior
@@MattCastersSpot on. He could say we are going to such and such restaurant she will flip the script and say he is controlling and mean. You can’t win, it is a double bind purposely created because she wants you to be unhappy - misery loves company.
@Dansyoung well, I'm not going to read minds or guess motives. Adults should strive to be able to express what they want themselves. It's not simple. But, can we at least admit he's trying to do the right thing? If so, why complain and stonewall in the first place?
Being late is one of the most disrespectful things a person can do to their friends and acquaintances regularly but especially their family. It screams "I don't care enough about YOUR time or other interests you may have to manage my time better".
I feel that it's disrespectful, too. My best friend has always lived 30-45 minutes out of the city. She regularly messages to say she's leaving 10-15 minutes before a dinner reservation, etc. It annoys me, but I think being timely just isn't a priority for her, so we just try to accept it. She's aware it's annoying & every so often, she'll arrive on time.
True. I've walked out, literally, on a friendship when I was left waiting in a restaurant, for a second time, for more than 30 minutes without a proper reason. I found the lady leisurely strolling down a supermarket aisle looking at non-essential items... That's when I realised she simply didn't care.
Men act like a woman wanting thoughtful, responsible leadership is asking too much. I have seen men put SO MUCH thought into planning to build a car or their hunting spots for the season, and yet act like their wife wanting any kind of thoughtfulness about actual life is high maintenance. Not all men. I know. But this is my experience.
Interesting so many men put SO MUCH thought into dates and vacations while their significant others plan absolutely nothing. It's no secret men put far more effort this day and age in terms of dating. Women are typically just along for the ride.
@@cur244 I haven’t seen many men take on the responsibility of planning vacations. Maybe the fun parts, like which amusement park they want to go to, but not the details like hotels, parking, clothing, etc. I’m not saying they should take it all over, but most of the time women are belittled for doing these things as if they’re too “type A” when in reality they just need done and nobody else is going to do them
@@mombythesea2426 Every guy I know plans the destination, hotels, what to do and parking all the time. I'm this type of guy. The guy that plans 20 things to every one thing a woman would plan.
He makes sounds with his mouth. Yet states NOTHING! He is very annoying to listen to. If he is not able to get an idea across? Just speaking. He probably never gets ANYTHING accomplished. He has lived his entire life by the seat of his pants! Just skating by. Which is not going to build anything. Never mind building a marriage
@@ElimEx1You know that’s true. I think couples need serious communication before marriage about expectations and deal breakers. The 50% divorce rate is a result of not having clear expectations.
HE wasn't leading. He wasn't even a boss. He just did what he wanted without a thought about how the "plan" or lack thereof affected his wife. No communication with his wife meant she had to suffer consequences for his thoughtlessness. He doesn't see anything wrong with any of it. That's not how a partnership works. And his decision to stop taking the leadership role is more like taking his ball and going home. You aren't okay with my wreaking havoc, so I just can't think of a single thing that I could do so I won't do anything and put all the responsibility on my wife. Immature.
No I second this comment. My husband does the same thing; he makes financial decisions without a thinking of me and then I suffer the consequences. I’m tired of it and told him either we go to marriage counseling or we will be divorced. He bought a house without including me on the decision and we have had a lot of issues because of it. Then tax season comes around this year and he hasn’t paid a single dime of his taxes because he needed the money to pay for the house. So I told him that I would not do my taxes with him because of this and he agreed to that. Then, I found out that I can’t get a tax return (despite paying my taxes consistently all year long) because I can’t make itemized deductions if he did on his taxes and I can’t claim education tax deduction because we are filing separately. I was counting on a tax return to I could pay for part of my tuition for next semester, but I won’t be able to. So I told him that we needed to go to marriage counseling and he hasn’t responded to me. I feel like I’m done with my marriage.
@@SarahConnor562because he hasn't paid any taxes, so any return from the taxes she did pay would go to pay his tax obligation. But, since she won't be able to itemize on her individual return she's screwed either way unless he pays his tax obligation back to her. Sounds like he can't do that because he spent all of his money on a house.
@@SarahConnor562 what he owed was so deep that it didn’t matter if we filed jointly. It definitely was looked at both ways long before the end of tax season. That has already been done. We are not dip shits over here. We had a CPA look over our stuff and it was determined that it was better to file separately. I also wanted to file separately because I didn’t want to be attached to whatever bullshit he may do with his taxes considering everything that has been done.
He avoids setting goals and prefers to "wing it" so that he is never held to any kind of accountability. It's like a taking up archery but always shooting at a blank target instead of a bullseye - no one can say you missed if you were never aiming at anything in the first place. This behavior demonstrates his weakness which the wife has come to resent.
Leadership is a privilege and it comes with responsibility. Exercising leadership without responsibility is an abuse of power. This guy doesn’t automatically get to lead just because he’s the male in the marriage.
That's beautifully stated. Leadership without responsibility is an abuse of power and the sign of an incompetent, inexperienced or selfish person. I wonder if men know how frightening it is for a woman to put her safety and her future in the hands of someone who isn't capable of leadership?
@@parkwood6334Why do women think we they have to put themselves in their hands or to be protected by men? It has to be mutual. Women are not incapable of providing themselves their own safety.
@@fpm3121 you're absolutely right, we are capable and don't have to put ourselves in someone else's hands. My comment was directed more at why women might not want to be dependent on someone who can't handle the responsibility, but insists on taking leadership.
@@TheMFStudios Once you are married, you make it fit. Marriage is about overcoming your differences and growing together. If they have fundamental value differences (different religious or moral views, desire for children, etc.) that's a different much deeper issue. Personality issues can be worked out.
Planning is sooooo easy… women make it impossible. Men say, “I planned and paid for XYZ”. Women say, “I can’t believe you did that behind my back. Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Then the next time she wants to do something, “why do you leave it all up to me!” Women are NEVER happy, and John is too much of a simping white knight to see that the problem is women’s need to control literally everything. It’s narcissism to the extreme that has been normalized for typical female behavior.
@@bossman7976But she doesn’t want that, she wants him to lead. But not actually lead, lead without authority, and only when she wants, and only with the things she wants to be led with. 😂 Welcome to marriage best of luck, I’m never trying that again 🤣
@@diggernash1 or you know, effective communication. Dude in the call seems slightly naive and is used to getting his way without productively and actively working with his wife.
I was that person and my friends also were the same as teenagers and early adults but i think as you grow and actually see that time matters you become more considerate and punctual.
My husband does the same thing; he makes financial decisions without a thinking of me and then I suffer the consequences. I’m tired of it and told him either we go to marriage counseling or we will be divorced. He bought a house without including me on the decision and we have had a lot of issues because of it. Then tax season comes around this year and he hasn’t paid a single dime of his taxes because he needed the money to pay for the house. So I told him that I would not do my taxes with him because of this and he agreed to that. Then, I found out that I can’t get a tax return (despite paying my taxes consistently all year long) because I can’t make itemized deductions if he did on his taxes and I can’t claim education tax deduction because we are filing separately. I was counting on a tax return to I could pay for part of my tuition for next semester, but I won’t be able to. So I told him that we needed to go to marriage counseling and he hasn’t responded to me. I feel like I’m done with my marriage
This seems like a workable issue. Get off these TH-cam comments and go talk to your husband about this privately. Don’t be so quick to fantasize about the single life. The dating market is full of 💩 rn. Especially as a divorcee. Stay where you are and work things out with him if you can. Dont break your marriage over this. This is workable.
@@3questo699 this issue has already been talked about and you know what he doesn’t ever listen consistently. That’s the reason why we’re in the situation is because he feels like he can do whatever he wants and I’ll be damned if he thinks he’s going to control who I can talk to online or not.and I’ll also be damned if anyone online thinks that nobody has talked about things with her spouse before coming online to make comments. Sometimes being single is better than being married to someone who doesn’t respect you.
@@3questo699 it’s not workable if he doesn’t do the things he needs to do to make it workable. It can’t just only be me and so far he hasn’t shown ability to work with things.
@@3questo699Who said this lady wants to even date if she gets divorced? Sounds like she just wants to finish school. The leading cause of divorce is money/finance. Her husband buying a house without speaking to her wife AND now not being able to pay certain bills is maddening.
I think this guy is incredibly lazy and is unwilling to learn how to do stuff. By dumping everything on her "she's so good at it" to handle he's decided he should be served. He refuses to learn how to do things better and take the burdens off her and gets bent out of shape when told how to improve. He takes it as criticism "she doesn't like me", when actually he thinks he doesn't need to do better. "I've always just winged it" "my friends don't care if I'm always late". He gave Dr John nothing but excuses for his own attitudes. He doesn't love her, he loves comfort. He called not because she's unhappy but because there are reprocussions for his attitudes and he's starting to experience her reactions and its making him uncomfortable.
Bingo. I think he knows she’s at her wits end and it’s going to end soon so he’s calling. I hope for his sake he can acknowledge where he’s at fault and save their marriage. It’s never about where you eat out, it’s the enthusiasm you bring to even want to go and be good company. And making his wife plan things because she “wants” to do it is just something he tells himself because he can’t be bothered to do it.
What exactly are men leading with another adult? Ordering someone around and telling them the restaurant we should go to is not leadership. Is he checking the grocery receipt? Men are confused on what leadership is; not sure why such nominal tasks and experiences make them feel important? This guy couldn't lead a shovel to dirt.
My X said this to me as he walked out the door for the last time. Yeah, he couldn't make me happy because I didn't go along with his inappropriate behavior with women outside our marriage. He didn't like behaving like a "married" man. Pfffttttt. He's gone, I'm happy now!!!
@@74GenX She's not just complaining without doing anything about it though. She took action to change things; which is what someone should do if they make a bad choice.
"I, uh, wife yea uh, you know, not happy and uh, i dont uh" Jesus Christ, dude. I can't even imagine trying to plan out something with someone who speaks this way
That’s why I’m single. I’m very independent and I can’t stand anyone giving me orders, I can’t change my freedom to serve that would end up cheating on me.
This show makes 21 year old me more afraid to get married with each episode😅 if there are people with happy marriages in these comments, please ease my mind😭
My husband and I have known eachother 17 years, amicably off and on dated (we both struggled w addiction for awhile, knew it wasn't the right time to be serious) finally got our sh!t together and have been together together since Nov 26, 2020! We have our rough patches, and we still argue occasionally, but I couldn't imagine my life or my daughters life without him. (That's us in my profile pic)
Don't let this show scare you. Those of us with happy marriages aren't calling in. We're just enjoying our lives. I'm in an incredibly happy marriage. We've been together for 10 years and he's the best person I've ever met and I love that he picked me to hang out with forever.
My husband is exactly the same. I ended up having to do all the things that require thinking and making decision. The more I do it, the more layback he becomes. When I am stressed sometimes, I tend to break out. I have learned to cope with it better. It’s a personality thing and it’s not going to change.
Or you could get some time with a good therapist/psychologist and find out if this relationship is healthy for you. Trust me, there's more going on with your body than just a break out - things like heart disease, high blood pressure, insulin resistance, digestive issues, etc. The skin is our largest eliminative organ, so we often see symptoms of larger health problems their first.
@@k.s.k.7721 I am getting better and better at self tuning and finding ways to off load things to him with clear instructions. We have been married for 23 years.
I am late often but i take responsibility for it. I keep the person updated or inform them along the way so they can occupy themselves or also not rush, and i truly feel bad and apologize. I do not just brush it off and say, they dont mind. Some of us just have to work harder regarding time management.
Why not just get yourself "together" & get places on time? Then you don't have to keep people "updated" & apologize. Being late all the time is just such an obvious attention getting device & it becomes tiresome.
@@penelope5500You do realize there are whole cultures where is acceptable and normal to be late or not on time...not everyone can be like the Germans. Not everyone are natural sticklers to time
The "update" stuff should be every now and then. No excuse to always be late. You are sending a message with that behavior, especially since Google Maps tells you your arrival time. It helped tear apart a friendship I used to have.
I have three loved ones like this guy in our family high criticism destroys them but they can’t make adult decisions unless it directly benefit them. Insecurity lack of self awareness oh boy
“I want to feel the vibe of this town” omg reminds me of when my spouse drove us around in LA traffic for hours all day long because he had nothing planned. Can confirm that was not fun.
This guy wants to lead but lazily lets his wife do everything. This passive behavior in men is a killer in marriages. Not sure this guy realizes his passivity is going to be the end of this marriage.
You reminded me of a conversation between two of my single friends (a male and female, both 35) whom I was introducing to one another for the first time. My male friend doesn't really date and made a remark to the two of us about expectations on men when dating. It turned out he has unusually high standards for a man's role in a dating relationship in terms of planning and leadership, etc. My female friend starts to tell him he's setting the bar overly high, but I cut her off and said, "What are you thinking? Don't tell him that! His ideals sound perfect!" 😂 I was mostly joking, of course, but it is funny how a guy with the complete opposite attitude is intimidating himself out of romantic relationships, while the passive guys don't care and just coast on by.
@@Ad1nfernum if you take an elevator to Hell looking for the bar women have for men in dating, Satan would say it’s three floors down. I wish more men knew how most men make it so easy for the rest of them in dating…
As I am listening to this, I realized that this is me and my wife exactly, we are struggling with the same exact issue and this is exactly what I need to hear
For a good marriage you dont have to agree in anything but what you do have to do is have respect for the others opinion and create a middle ground rule that works all round, who is taking what responsibility for what and even if it goes wrong you are supportive and offer helpful backing
I tell my husband all of the time EXACTLY what I need for him to get what he needs and he completely disregards then still complains about his needs. I need non sexual intimacy!! 😵💫😵💫😒😒😒
There's nothing wrong with planning. It's a lot less fun birthday when you get turned away from a restaurant for not making a booking, and driving around the streets at 8 pm, ending up Burger King, because everything was booked up. (This happened to a friend of mine because her ex was exactly like this guy).
He is incredibly LAZY. He knows what to do, because obviously she has told him. How about be on time? How about fix the exact issue she told you was an issue. He just throws his hands up and says, you do it. You like it. Most wives love input and feedback, because it helps. Help!
Most people who are late are late repeatedly. Most people who get to a place on time are almost always there on time. I belong to the latter group. I'm almost never late. I plan according to a 10-15-minute rule. I'm always 10-15 early everywhere. Sometimes, I start planning too late, but because I operate on the rule, I almost always arrive on it even if it means arriving two minutes before the scheduled meeting starts. I believe that being late is primarily caused by two factors/mistakes: #1 planning to be somewhere when something starts rather than 10-15 early. #2 not making it a habit to be early.
Dear Caller - she doesn't enjoy taking charge. She's had to because you didn't. What she really wants is for you to step up and to be able to trust you to deliver. She's exhausted and resentful because you've not been reliable, and that's why she's picking on you. It's been easier for her to just do it without you. But believe me it's not fun. No wife wants to have their husband be an extra kid.
@@lindalund9621exactly right! Thinking that because society says so and then walking about demanding certain titles and praise for a job they aren’t doing. 😮💨 it’s too much.
Thank you for calling on this. This sounds like my failed marriage. I would've gone to counseling for help, but he wouldn't go. At least you're asking for help. This can be repaired.
This feels like my marriage and I’m so ready to leave even with infant twins. I feel like I have 3 kids. My husband expects a round of applause for doing basic things. But when it comes to more hands on things around the house or with the kids he refuses to do it because he’s “uncomfortable”. I.E. giving them baths or cleaning out their noses. Everything is on me to plan and do if it’s not in his comfort zone and unfortunately there’s very little in his comfort zone. I’m just tired.
Maybe try spending 10 minutes a day (at least) contributing to your home. You could do a quick chore or pay a bill. You could ask your wife if you could help with something. It takes everyone in a family contributing a little time each day to make things go well.
“why do you hate planning & looking into the future?” , this 41 ear old legit answered “at this point she takes care of all of it” ….?!?!? i’m 2 & a half years into my marriage & i’ll be damned if i enable this behaviour , & i’m sure most men think it’s not that serious , BUT IT IS
Dr John you are so wonderfully realistic. I am so fortunate to have a psychiatrist who is as cool as you. Took a lot of searching, I found her in 2008. Clear, concise and friendly. I am so happy to hear so many men call in!
This caller makes me angry. I don't think he has ever stepped up and just wants to blame his wife. I am living this now. I am called a nag and a control freak. I get extra hard and say "leave". He doesn't want to hear the fact that I am stepping up and making more efforts to keep things in order and put together. We were both "casual" about everything in the beginning but with kids, I find order is essential otherwise it's too messy and chaotic. The indifference shows lack of responsibility and maturity and it's down right unattractive. Also being wishy washy and never stepping up is weak.
Sounds like you matured and adapted to the responsibility required to the life developments at hand. Unfortunately people like your partner tend to not do the same. Especially when they have someone they know will pick up the slack. Fully formed adults rarely change there operating procedures. Especially men, sorry to say. Best of luck. 🤞
This is why I’m trying to create my tech startup focused on husbands exactly like this. We are who we are and I know so many guys like this that struggle
If I’m not exercising regularly I get so in my head and it feels gross and he deserves my best self ❤ It’s my responsibility to myself to be happy for me but I know he appreciates it. 😭❤️🙃 I can be a real drag.
Dr. John I just want you to know that I see you dude. I know you feel underappreciated but just know that all your viewers and callers absolutely LOVE YOU MAN. God Bless and I hope this season of frustration ends soon for you. ❤
He shut down so quickly at the first hint of criticism. I can imagine what it's like for his wife. What kind of leader does he imagine himself to be? Hint... I'm a woman and I know exactly what kind 😂
I think as a couple one really has to get to know their partner and understand that there are behaviors that they will show you from the get-go about who you or they are. And we tend to overlook those behaviors or not spend enough time learning about the person we're with because we get caught up into the moment and thrill of finding someone that we like. I think thats why they say marry your best friend because those same behaviors in that person are not behaviors that you're gonna be able to change about them unless they are willing to accept that the behavior does cause a problem. This guy just needs to grow up and he wife is unhappy because she CHOSE to accept these behaviors from the get-go. Both need to talk and come to an agreement and he needs to change and she needs to choose what battles shes willing to put up with about his behavior cause the older ya get, the harder it gets.
This hit home. Thank you. Its like listening to a mensgroup meeting or two friends holding each other accountable while being open and listening . For me as dutch guy this is refreshing. Or its to firm or more towards spirtuality (which i like but this is what i need). Thank you.
Being a leader is earned, not assumed. Caller's attitude on picking a restaurant, for example, is so losey gosey. "Here's some restaurants, and we can find what we want to eat from any of those. What works for you?" What?? He needs to ask what she wants to eat. Then he chooses a couple of restaurants and then make the reservation. His wife probably tired of carrying the mental load.
I wish I had seen this 2-1/2 yrs ago. A lot of similarities to what my situation was. Only... she left & I was destroyed. Hopefully you'll be able to work with your wife and both change.
Gather up what’s left of your balls and learn to be happy with yourself . Dr John is a giant simp coaching men to be better at simping . Your ex wife was a big pain in the backside . Be great full she’s gone .
The thing I have had to get over is the all or nothing mentality. If I have something I want, I don’t just scrap the rest of the day and go bananas eating everything. It’s that, “Screw it. I’ll start again tomorrow” mentality that I had to get over.
I’m not necessarily a detailed planner but it’s baffling how people go on vacations without hotel reservations! It’s a waste of time and usually more expensive to find one when you’re already there
More clear communication- the second i’m doubting if someone actually understood what i was conveying, i have to ask. And vice versa :) i hope they change their lane, it was a good lesson to listen to this guy.
100% right - this guy has no active engagement in this marriage. It sounds like he expects the functional relationship to just happen because he's trying to avoid conflict, but that's just not how it works. You have to participate. As far as the lateness... that's not a marriage issue, that's an internal issue he has that he has to work through, but he's never going to do it if he can't take himself out of his own shoes.
I believe most women want genuine thought and emotion behind actions. I believe most men want to be trusted and respected. Both seem to not be providing what the other needs. I would hope one side eventually chooses to give a little in a genuine and gentle way because I believe the other side will soon follow.
I agree 100%. On the flip side it is hard to genuinely care for someone who is only seeing the negative and not offering any encouragement. Both sides need to give.
@@friktermind I agree, women also need respect just as men need acts of love to feel wanted in a relationship. I’m just generally speaking as men and women seem to be wired differently as these two issues seem to be a common problem. I believe in most cases looking at BOTH sides is probably the best way to the solution. Being biased towards one person’s perspective in a two person relationship seems to be such a close minded way to look at it.
My ex was like this. Even said some of the same things. The guy being silent and having to listen makes me uncomfortable because my ex would take all of this advice as someone trying to control him and he doesn't have to change. People need to accept people. I was always poking until I realized I didn't have to, it made him happier and love me more. But I finally came to terms with the idea that he didn't love me for me and that he never wanted to work together. He wanted to protect himself. He was always the victim. I spent days trying to figure out the right way to say I didn't like something he did to me or trying to figure out how to ask the right way to do something for me. There was never a right way. There was never a way to ask for the right way to say or ask those things without an explosion, shut down, blaming me, and avoidance. He never made decisions until the last minute. Sometimes, I wonder if it was because he didn't want to take responsibility for anything out of fear. Anyways, I initiated the break up reluctantly because I had my own struggles. The further I get from that day, and the more help I get, the more I realize the situation was not good. It's interesting to watch this video and recognize it and to have my feelings put into words that I did not have back then.
God people are so harsh, this man is clearly trying to work on this and get it fixed for him AND his wife so cut him some slack, it's easy to point the flaws in other people but harder to realise when they need/are seeking help
Yeah maybe we want some of our wants for vacations to be considered but we also want you to step up and help. I’ve literally said specific things I needed help with for a holiday those things were ignored and my husband chose to buy and build a gazebo instead. Then it puts me in the position to be mad about it so I just look like a cranky b when he totally disregarded my needs and expected me to do 100% of the work for entertaining his side of the family…if we start to shut down it’s because we’ve been ignored and at that point it’s because we’re over that lack of even trying to understand what we need meanwhile that’s all us wives/mom are ever doing.
I feel this wide… honestly I think a lot of this comes from a place of exhaustion and dissatisfaction with her role in life; or at least just being burnt out from it. She makes decisions all day… ALL DAY handling 99% of things. So when she gets home, she just wants someone else to have the decisions made so her brain can have time off. I am exactly the same way, to the point I crave a D/s type relationship (and am thriving in one). She may benefit from that as well. It definitely seems like at the base of things, they just don’t seem compatible.
If you want to be a leader who is respected you need to start respecting other people. I'm sorry but being late constantly is disrespectful. Also part of being a leader is taking responsibility for when things go wrong. He wants to "wing it" and then not be blamed when things go south.
For my self as a woman sometimes I want my husband to keep suggesting places simply because I have decision fatigue and can't think of the options, I'll say no to lots of suggestions until he says one that I'm like "oh yeah that's what I want". At first it seemed like I was knocking down all his suggestions and he couldn't win until I told him I just need suggestions until I hear the right one. Also leadership for me would be booking in a place you know your wife would like generally and letting her know you have a date planned for this time on this night.
The caller didn't listen to John's answer at all! He was still rattling off arguments for his point, trying to explain himself. He doesn't have any opinions, but wants to be the "leader", ugh exhausting.
my x up and left after 20 years no reason she just stated she was not happy and i could not make her happy. society is telling women they are better on their own..
I love planning family vacations. It hasn't always worked out without fights. Like when I planned a fishing trip and my husband was mad that he had to get up to early!
The only thing id put on the wife is if she knew about these issues when they were dating and ignored them out of love or an idea that "i can fix him". Unless he put on an entirely different personality during dating and engagement, i imagine he was always this insufferable, conflict avoidant, aloof.
Well, I doubt he was. Remember, he didn't give up on "being a leader" until a while into their marriage when she didn't appreciate his loosey-goosey way of planning vacations.
I’m going to say something that will make the die hard Dr John’s fans uncomfortable, ok. I know it might be hard to hear, but here it is. He doesn’t really know what he’s talking about. He just knows how to sound like he knows what he’s talking about. Trust me. Believe me. Saying opinions like they’re facts does not make it so.
I agree with you a little bit. I think he knows intellectually what the mature perspective of a situation is, but struggles to embody it in his personal life. This is typical of neurodivergent people though. And I'm the end, it is better to have intellectual self awareness than none at all. Change is possible even when the mind and body are not aligned. I would know because I'm autistic and have made spectacular progress in my emotional life by using my mind to visualize what I need, and setting important boundaries.
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Whenever someone says, "I am always late but my friends don't care. They know thats just how I am." This is a HUGE indicator of someone who is painfully unaware. Trust me, your friends care. They just have accepted that you won't change (and since they are not married to you.... they can tolerate your bad behavior in small doses).
This. My husband is late for everything. Including work. I make his breakfast every morning because, granted, I have more time in the mornings than he does. Problem is his time management is still so poor that he takes his breakfast to work to eat at his desk and is still late for work almost every day! He made us late for my grandmother's funeral - I was mortified to be walking in and be the last ones seated, right up at the front. There's no shame, and he's never had to suffer negative consequences for it (like being fired, for example). I just find it infuriating because it's so disrespectful of other people's time, but obviously he does not see it they way.
He said that because he has ADHD and his friends know how severe it is.
@@Ad1nfernumhas he ever been examined for ADHD?
@@ivnehaas No, but his ex-wife and I spoke about it once (when he was going to be late to pick up his son from her house and I said, ok, I'm leaving without you to get him myself 🤦). I mused to her that I thought he may have ADHD, but that didn't feel quite right. She responded that she thinks he's on the autism spectrum, which makes _way_ more sense to me. After 43 years on this planet, though, I don't see him suddenly caring enough to explore the possibility and make any changes. 🤷
The friends do care … and they do eventually get over it … and don’t include the late people in plans
This marriage aside, I want to comment on something this guy said - that he’s got an issue with being late a lot of the time but his friends weren’t bothered by it. NOT TRUE. They might not have been confrontational about it. But no one enjoys always waiting for Mr inconsiderate to finally show up. It comes across that you don’t value other people’s schedule or time or feelings. If they never said anything, that’s because they are nicer people than him.
Not true. I'm the friend who's always late. A few times i was in time, and my friends admitted they suddenly had to rush bc they werent expecting me yet 😂. I had to apologise for being on time 😅
You know your friends, or you dont know your friends. If you dont know them, then you're the one not caring about them.
@krism6260 I think you're missing the point
Also -- clearly his WIFE was bothered by it. It doesn't really matter if his friends weren't angry. She has communicated that she doesn't like being late, so regardless of other people's opinions, THAT is the opinion you need to value.
😢 One of things I noticed early on and appreciate so so so so much with my bf is the way he’s never let me down and always showed up.
@@kjring22 i didnt. What did you take away from my comment?
This guy is annoying me just listening to him, I couldn't imagine being married to him. He doesn't LISTEN, he can't even answer simple questions directly. He's completely on his own planet where he's the main character and the only thing that matters.
Coming from a failed marriage that had a guy like this: your wife doesn’t want to have to do all the thinking, planning and wrangling for kids AND a adult-child. Get off your butt and actually DO SOMETHING. This guy is just another freakin task this lady has to deal with. Why would anyone be happy to see another child-man who looks to her for every decision? You are not a partner, you’re a chore.
But he doesn't know what to do if she doesn't tell him 😂 and when she tells him directly he feels disrespected 😂 and when she backs off and doesnt engage he gets passive aggressive and pouty 😂 and when she feels hurt and gets vulnerable he rejects and invalidates her lol
What a LEADER 😂
The why is easy. It was nice for her to have a man that's easy to control while they were dating. She married him because she didn't see the long term repercussion of being with a man like that. Immaturity isn't some problem that just falls out of the sky. It's an issue everyone has until they become mature, so an immature person is someone that never was mature. She knew what he was before they got married.
Most guys do all the thinking and planning. Most women need to learn to DO SOMETHING other than watch tv and scroll social media.
@cur244 seems to me most women do stuff while men only sit around looking at half-naked women online and playing video games.
At least that's my experience.
WOW... well said!
She wants him to take some responsibility and be accountable for his actions and inactions.
And he wants to be praised and looked up to no matter what he does.
She'll divorce him sooner or later if he doesn't grow up and be an adult.
"I feel like I'm a likeable person" and "there isn't too conflict in my life." Sounds like he's averse to difficult conversations and responsibilities, which puts alot of emotional burden on the wife. That's most likely why she's not happy all the time.
Yeah his sweeping everything under the rug and passing her the ball for every decision is *emotional labor*. And he thinks he's doing her a favor 😂
He's passive aggressive imo
All women are averse to difficult conversations and responsibilities. Want an example? Abortion
Perfect marriages or relationships simply don't exist. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to navigating them. What may be effective for Adam might not resonate with Peter. However, I've come to realize that there's always a solution to every problem. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such difficulties in our marriage that divorce seemed imminent. Despite the ordeal, we persevered, and today, we've triumphed over that rough patch, reunited and stronger than ever
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Letting go of someone you love is always challenging, but in my situation, I had the guidance of a spiritual counselor who prevented my marriage from falling apart. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters...
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks
You wont regret it
@@oglaskubuot as a fellow man following eve will only turn your heart to more pieces. Not peace.
I’ve been there. I hv two beautiful children out of it. But there is a man that died on a cross and rose again that can give you a peace that supersedes all understanding. Seek his heavenly kingdom mindset first and all will be added to you. Instead of trying to develop a better relationship with eve. Develop one with Christ kingdom mindset first. You won’t regret it. Just start reading the words in red. Hopefully wifey join you and you both grow together IN HIM
John14:27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Omg I cannot believe this guy is 42. He wants to be a leader but can’t handle the responsibility of thinking about what restaurant he wants to go to.
Mommy did everything for him so now he hasn’t got out of that mommy brain
No! He knows where he wants to eat… he is trying to be considerate of her, but she can’t be happy with anything he chooses. So, he lets her pick thinking that he’s being considerate. But, what happens again is that she’s not happy. The problem is usually her, but john is too much of a simp to call women out on their bad behavior
@samuelpayne5460 exactly. We're just trying to pussiefoot around the fact that you can't make anyone else happy.
@@MattCastersSpot on. He could say we are going to such and such restaurant she will flip the script and say he is controlling and mean. You can’t win, it is a double bind purposely created because she wants you to be unhappy - misery loves company.
@Dansyoung well, I'm not going to read minds or guess motives. Adults should strive to be able to express what they want themselves. It's not simple. But, can we at least admit he's trying to do the right thing? If so, why complain and stonewall in the first place?
Being late is one of the most disrespectful things a person can do to their friends and acquaintances regularly but especially their family. It screams "I don't care enough about YOUR time or other interests you may have to manage my time better".
no it doesnt thats a white societ arbitrarily deciding you have to adhere to OUR standards of what it important
Totally agree. Canceling plans last minute is even worse. I make it a point to be on time and once I commit to something, I’m going.
I feel that it's disrespectful, too. My best friend has always lived 30-45 minutes out of the city. She regularly messages to say she's leaving 10-15 minutes before a dinner reservation, etc. It annoys me, but I think being timely just isn't a priority for her, so we just try to accept it. She's aware it's annoying & every so often, she'll arrive on time.
True. I've walked out, literally, on a friendship when I was left waiting in a restaurant, for a second time, for more than 30 minutes without a proper reason. I found the lady leisurely strolling down a supermarket aisle looking at non-essential items... That's when I realised she simply didn't care.
Maybe he has adhd
Men act like a woman wanting thoughtful, responsible leadership is asking too much. I have seen men put SO MUCH thought into planning to build a car or their hunting spots for the season, and yet act like their wife wanting any kind of thoughtfulness about actual life is high maintenance.
Not all men. I know. But this is my experience.
Interesting so many men put SO MUCH thought into dates and vacations while their significant others plan absolutely nothing. It's no secret men put far more effort this day and age in terms of dating. Women are typically just along for the ride.
@@cur244 I haven’t seen many men take on the responsibility of planning vacations. Maybe the fun parts, like which amusement park they want to go to, but not the details like hotels, parking, clothing, etc. I’m not saying they should take it all over, but most of the time women are belittled for doing these things as if they’re too “type A” when in reality they just need done and nobody else is going to do them
@@mombythesea2426 Every guy I know plans the destination, hotels, what to do and parking all the time. I'm this type of guy. The guy that plans 20 things to every one thing a woman would plan.
@@cur244 Many women would kill for a guy that does this. Most of the time, it's the reverse.
@@cur244 what men are planning dates and vacations? Every relationship I’ve been in I pay for and pick out the dates and vacations.
I don’t even know this bloke but 2 minutes into the call, he was pi**ing ME off!!!
Same.
Seriously!! I was pissed, looked down it was 3:08. Lol
Weird that you guys felt that way
@Jasmine-qv9gq Not really, every one has opinions. 🤷♀️
He makes sounds with his mouth. Yet states NOTHING! He is very annoying to listen to. If he is not able to get an idea across? Just speaking. He probably never gets ANYTHING accomplished. He has lived his entire life by the seat of his pants! Just skating by. Which is not going to build anything. Never mind building a marriage
Omg this caller and his wishy washiness is annoying the crap out of me. I feel bad for his wife.
Wishy washy is such a pet peeve! 🙄 Drives me bonkers!
@@Drogothehusky in general me too. It's also a turn off because it's unmanly imo.
He's so out of touch with himself that he isn't even present. Like that could ever be her fault.
She knew what she was getting into
@@ElimEx1You know that’s true. I think couples need serious communication before marriage about expectations and deal breakers. The 50% divorce rate is a result of not having clear expectations.
HE wasn't leading. He wasn't even a boss. He just did what he wanted without a thought about how the "plan" or lack thereof affected his wife. No communication with his wife meant she had to suffer consequences for his thoughtlessness. He doesn't see anything wrong with any of it. That's not how a partnership works. And his decision to stop taking the leadership role is more like taking his ball and going home. You aren't okay with my wreaking havoc, so I just can't think of a single thing that I could do so I won't do anything and put all the responsibility on my wife. Immature.
you are bitter.
No I second this comment. My husband does the same thing; he makes financial decisions without a thinking of me and then I suffer the consequences. I’m tired of it and told him either we go to marriage counseling or we will be divorced.
He bought a house without including me on the decision and we have had a lot of issues because of it. Then tax season comes around this year and he hasn’t paid a single dime of his taxes because he needed the money to pay for the house. So I told him that I would not do my taxes with him because of this and he agreed to that. Then, I found out that I can’t get a tax return (despite paying my taxes consistently all year long) because I can’t make itemized deductions if he did on his taxes and I can’t claim education tax deduction because we are filing separately. I was counting on a tax return to I could pay for part of my tuition for next semester, but I won’t be able to.
So I told him that we needed to go to marriage counseling and he hasn’t responded to me. I feel like I’m done with my marriage.
@@SarahConnor562because he hasn't paid any taxes, so any return from the taxes she did pay would go to pay his tax obligation. But, since she won't be able to itemize on her individual return she's screwed either way unless he pays his tax obligation back to her. Sounds like he can't do that because he spent all of his money on a house.
@@SarahConnor562 yes it already disqualifies me from financial aid
@@SarahConnor562 what he owed was so deep that it didn’t matter if we filed jointly. It definitely was looked at both ways long before the end of tax season. That has already been done. We are not dip shits over here. We had a CPA look over our stuff and it was determined that it was better to file separately. I also wanted to file separately because I didn’t want to be attached to whatever bullshit he may do with his taxes considering everything that has been done.
He avoids setting goals and prefers to "wing it" so that he is never held to any kind of accountability. It's like a taking up archery but always shooting at a blank target instead of a bullseye - no one can say you missed if you were never aiming at anything in the first place. This behavior demonstrates his weakness which the wife has come to resent.
Yowza. Great comment. Made me reflect on myself! Thank you.
Bullseye!!🎯 😂
I don't think he's weak, just too clueless.
Leadership is a privilege and it comes with responsibility. Exercising leadership without responsibility is an abuse of power. This guy doesn’t automatically get to lead just because he’s the male in the marriage.
Just say it... He's a MISOGYNIST
That's beautifully stated. Leadership without responsibility is an abuse of power and the sign of an incompetent, inexperienced or selfish person. I wonder if men know how frightening it is for a woman to put her safety and her future in the hands of someone who isn't capable of leadership?
@@jnl3564 he isn't
@@parkwood6334Why do women think we they have to put themselves in their hands or to be protected by men? It has to be mutual. Women are not incapable of providing themselves their own safety.
@@fpm3121 you're absolutely right, we are capable and don't have to put ourselves in someone else's hands. My comment was directed more at why women might not want to be dependent on someone who can't handle the responsibility, but insists on taking leadership.
His leadership style is “winging it” and then wondering why she doesn’t feel safe? 🤦♀️
I think she is a bad fit for him. I thrive with people who enjoy a no plan as much as I do.
@@TheMFStudios Once you are married, you make it fit. Marriage is about overcoming your differences and growing together.
If they have fundamental value differences (different religious or moral views, desire for children, etc.) that's a different much deeper issue. Personality issues can be worked out.
Men can't lead.
@@janicefinch3563 Yes but these are things they should have discussed and thought out before getting married.
'I got into trouble for not making plans so I solved that by not making plans.'
😂
My wife beat me down so I stayed down.
Who wants to plan events with a lousy unhappy. Thang
@@GCustomAirsoft This is what I’m hearing too
'And yet my wife is never happy and I don't understand why'
She does NOT enjoy ALL the planning. She DOESN'T enjoy feeling unmoored and unsure of what they are going to do on vacation.
Planning is sooooo easy… women make it impossible. Men say, “I planned and paid for XYZ”. Women say, “I can’t believe you did that behind my back. Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Then the next time she wants to do something, “why do you leave it all up to me!” Women are NEVER happy, and John is too much of a simping white knight to see that the problem is women’s need to control literally everything. It’s narcissism to the extreme that has been normalized for typical female behavior.
Well tell her to make the plans then. Solves that problem .
@@bossman7976But she doesn’t want that, she wants him to lead. But not actually lead, lead without authority, and only when she wants, and only with the things she wants to be led with. 😂
Welcome to marriage best of luck, I’m never trying that again 🤣
@@Dansyoung Never try to make them happy and make sure they know where the door is located. That...and prenup, prenup, prenup.
@@diggernash1 or you know, effective communication. Dude in the call seems slightly naive and is used to getting his way without productively and actively working with his wife.
If you're going to be the leader, take on the responsibility of planning. Can't wing it, especially with wife and kids
EVERYONE involved hates when people are late, EVERYONE!!!
Except the late people, they don’t give it a thought. So disrespectful.
I was that person and my friends also were the same as teenagers and early adults but i think as you grow and actually see that time matters you become more considerate and punctual.
Amen
My husband does the same thing; he makes financial decisions without a thinking of me and then I suffer the consequences. I’m tired of it and told him either we go to marriage counseling or we will be divorced.
He bought a house without including me on the decision and we have had a lot of issues because of it. Then tax season comes around this year and he hasn’t paid a single dime of his taxes because he needed the money to pay for the house. So I told him that I would not do my taxes with him because of this and he agreed to that. Then, I found out that I can’t get a tax return (despite paying my taxes consistently all year long) because I can’t make itemized deductions if he did on his taxes and I can’t claim education tax deduction because we are filing separately. I was counting on a tax return to I could pay for part of my tuition for next semester, but I won’t be able to.
So I told him that we needed to go to marriage counseling and he hasn’t responded to me. I feel like I’m done with my marriage
This seems like a workable issue. Get off these TH-cam comments and go talk to your husband about this privately. Don’t be so quick to fantasize about the single life. The dating market is full of 💩 rn. Especially as a divorcee. Stay where you are and work things out with him if you can. Dont break your marriage over this. This is workable.
@@3questo699 this issue has already been talked about and you know what he doesn’t ever listen consistently. That’s the reason why we’re in the situation is because he feels like he can do whatever he wants and I’ll be damned if he thinks he’s going to control who I can talk to online or not.and I’ll also be damned if anyone online thinks that nobody has talked about things with her spouse before coming online to make comments. Sometimes being single is better than being married to someone who doesn’t respect you.
@@3questo699 it’s not workable if he doesn’t do the things he needs to do to make it workable. It can’t just only be me and so far he hasn’t shown ability to work with things.
That's not at all like the caller. Financial infidelity is a far more serious issue.
@@3questo699Who said this lady wants to even date if she gets divorced? Sounds like she just wants to finish school. The leading cause of divorce is money/finance. Her husband buying a house without speaking to her wife AND now not being able to pay certain bills is maddening.
I don't dislike this guy like a lot of the comments. He called and asked for help. It sounded like he realized his mistakes. I can't knock that.
This chat hates husbands
He knows exactly what he's doing
"I'm a self-absorbed prick whose wife is reflecting back the respect I give her and my friends."
There. Fixed the title.
I think this guy is incredibly lazy and is unwilling to learn how to do stuff. By dumping everything on her "she's so good at it" to handle he's decided he should be served. He refuses to learn how to do things better and take the burdens off her and gets bent out of shape when told how to improve. He takes it as criticism "she doesn't like me", when actually he thinks he doesn't need to do better. "I've always just winged it" "my friends don't care if I'm always late". He gave Dr John nothing but excuses for his own attitudes. He doesn't love her, he loves comfort. He called not because she's unhappy but because there are reprocussions for his attitudes and he's starting to experience her reactions and its making him uncomfortable.
Amen
Bingo. I think he knows she’s at her wits end and it’s going to end soon so he’s calling. I hope for his sake he can acknowledge where he’s at fault and save their marriage. It’s never about where you eat out, it’s the enthusiasm you bring to even want to go and be good company. And making his wife plan things because she “wants” to do it is just something he tells himself because he can’t be bothered to do it.
What exactly are men leading with another adult? Ordering someone around and telling them the restaurant we should go to is not leadership. Is he checking the grocery receipt? Men are confused on what leadership is; not sure why such nominal tasks and experiences make them feel important? This guy couldn't lead a shovel to dirt.
My X said this to me as he walked out the door for the last time. Yeah, he couldn't make me happy because I didn't go along with his inappropriate behavior with women outside our marriage. He didn't like behaving like a "married" man. Pfffttttt. He's gone, I'm happy now!!!
So you CHOSE a man child and now you are complaining about YOUR CHOICE. 😂
@@74GenX She's not just complaining without doing anything about it though. She took action to change things; which is what someone should do if they make a bad choice.
"I, uh, wife yea uh, you know, not happy and uh, i dont uh"
Jesus Christ, dude. I can't even imagine trying to plan out something with someone who speaks this way
Clicking on this to see if it was my husband that called in…😅
😂😂😂
At least your husband might call in/seek help.
marriage is so freaking hard and people make it seem like it's the easiest thing in the world
"Oh but if you love eachother, it'll all work out" 🙄 They need to stop raising people w that delusional crap
That’s why I’m single. I’m very independent and I can’t stand anyone giving me orders, I can’t change my freedom to serve that would end up cheating on me.
That’s due to the pre-wedding fog…very distracting and obscures need for deep communication
Marriage is easy with your best friend. It's outside factors that are hard
@@heather4089Thank you for not saddling someone with your issues.
This was the most exhausting call ever listened to lol I don’t know how John does it. He’s great.
John dropped some gems on this one
Lateness definitely bothers friends.
Wishing other men would call this channel like this guy and try to work on their marriage before it’s becomes a bigger issue.
This show makes 21 year old me more afraid to get married with each episode😅 if there are people with happy marriages in these comments, please ease my mind😭
My husband and I have known eachother 17 years, amicably off and on dated (we both struggled w addiction for awhile, knew it wasn't the right time to be serious) finally got our sh!t together and have been together together since Nov 26, 2020! We have our rough patches, and we still argue occasionally, but I couldn't imagine my life or my daughters life without him. (That's us in my profile pic)
people whop are struggling call in not people who are doing well, so its always gonna feel like there are way more bad marriages than good.
Don't let this show scare you. Those of us with happy marriages aren't calling in. We're just enjoying our lives. I'm in an incredibly happy marriage. We've been together for 10 years and he's the best person I've ever met and I love that he picked me to hang out with forever.
@KatieDeGo Y'all look adorable. I'm happy for you guys ❤
Thirty-three years for me and my husband. Ask a lot of questions and observe behaviors during the dating phase.
My husband is exactly the same. I ended up having to do all the things that require thinking and making decision. The more I do it, the more layback he becomes. When I am stressed sometimes, I tend to break out. I have learned to cope with it better. It’s a personality thing and it’s not going to change.
Or you could get some time with a good therapist/psychologist and find out if this relationship is healthy for you. Trust me, there's more going on with your body than just a break out - things like heart disease, high blood pressure, insulin resistance, digestive issues, etc. The skin is our largest eliminative organ, so we often see symptoms of larger health problems their first.
Tell him you're done being his mommy. He's either on board as an adult or he's a sad SOB in a studio apartment.
Your husband is letting you handle anything because there is no CHALLENGE. Let it go by the wayside. Let him pick up the slack.
@@k.s.k.7721 I am getting better and better at self tuning and finding ways to off load things to him with clear instructions. We have been married for 23 years.
@@chrissyellem7397 it’s definitely not a challenge issue. It has something to do with born personality. He does have a good temper though.
I am late often but i take responsibility for it. I keep the person updated or inform them along the way so they can occupy themselves or also not rush, and i truly feel bad and apologize. I do not just brush it off and say, they dont mind. Some of us just have to work harder regarding time management.
Why not just get yourself "together" & get places on time? Then you don't have to keep people "updated" & apologize. Being late all the time is just such an obvious attention getting device & it becomes tiresome.
@@penelope5500You do realize there are whole cultures where is acceptable and normal to be late or not on time...not everyone can be like the Germans. Not everyone are natural sticklers to time
Yes, it's very normal and even expected in my culture to be late to social gatherings. @@wells13
The "update" stuff should be every now and then. No excuse to always be late. You are sending a message with that behavior, especially since Google Maps tells you your arrival time. It helped tear apart a friendship I used to have.
I have three loved ones like this guy in our family high criticism destroys them but they can’t make adult decisions unless it directly benefit them.
Insecurity lack of self awareness oh boy
“I want to feel the vibe of this town” omg reminds me of when my spouse drove us around in LA traffic for hours all day long because he had nothing planned. Can confirm that was not fun.
he seems insufferable and just absolutely no self awareness
This guy wants to lead but lazily lets his wife do everything. This passive behavior in men is a killer in marriages. Not sure this guy realizes his passivity is going to be the end of this marriage.
You reminded me of a conversation between two of my single friends (a male and female, both 35) whom I was introducing to one another for the first time. My male friend doesn't really date and made a remark to the two of us about expectations on men when dating. It turned out he has unusually high standards for a man's role in a dating relationship in terms of planning and leadership, etc. My female friend starts to tell him he's setting the bar overly high, but I cut her off and said, "What are you thinking? Don't tell him that! His ideals sound perfect!" 😂 I was mostly joking, of course, but it is funny how a guy with the complete opposite attitude is intimidating himself out of romantic relationships, while the passive guys don't care and just coast on by.
@@Ad1nfernum if you take an elevator to Hell looking for the bar women have for men in dating, Satan would say it’s three floors down. I wish more men knew how most men make it so easy for the rest of them in dating…
@@Imaginarysonics Well said!
@@Imaginarysonicswhy is then so many women married to fools, lazy crazy manchilds????
As I am listening to this, I realized that this is me and my wife exactly, we are struggling with the same exact issue and this is exactly what I need to hear
What’s your plan to fix things?
For a good marriage you dont have to agree in anything but what you do have to do is have respect for the others opinion and create a middle ground rule that works all round, who is taking what responsibility for what and even if it goes wrong you are supportive and offer helpful backing
I tell my husband all of the time EXACTLY what I need for him to get what he needs and he completely disregards then still complains about his needs. I need non sexual intimacy!! 😵💫😵💫😒😒😒
Most men don't. Women in the 21st Century need to get real about that.
Same 🙄
My story…
There's nothing wrong with planning. It's a lot less fun birthday when you get turned away from a restaurant for not making a booking, and driving around the streets at 8 pm, ending up Burger King, because everything was booked up. (This happened to a friend of mine because her ex was exactly like this guy).
He is incredibly LAZY. He knows what to do, because obviously she has told him. How about be on time? How about fix the exact issue she told you was an issue. He just throws his hands up and says, you do it. You like it. Most wives love input and feedback, because it helps. Help!
I thought the same thing. Laziness 100 %.
Most people who are late are late repeatedly. Most people who get to a place on time are almost always there on time.
I belong to the latter group. I'm almost never late. I plan according to a 10-15-minute rule.
I'm always 10-15 early everywhere. Sometimes, I start planning too late, but because I operate on the rule, I almost always arrive on it even if it means arriving two minutes before the scheduled meeting starts.
I believe that being late is primarily caused by two factors/mistakes: #1 planning to be somewhere when something starts rather than 10-15 early. #2 not making it a habit to be early.
Dear Caller - she doesn't enjoy taking charge. She's had to because you didn't. What she really wants is for you to step up and to be able to trust you to deliver. She's exhausted and resentful because you've not been reliable, and that's why she's picking on you. It's been easier for her to just do it without you. But believe me it's not fun. No wife wants to have their husband be an extra kid.
Respectful not all men are capable of leading. Planning , responsibility, discipline, communication effectively ( making informed decisions ) etc .
That is ok but not when they pretend they are
@@lindalund9621exactly right! Thinking that because society says so and then walking about demanding certain titles and praise for a job they aren’t doing. 😮💨 it’s too much.
Thank you for calling on this. This sounds like my failed marriage. I would've gone to counseling for help, but he wouldn't go. At least you're asking for help. This can be repaired.
This feels like my marriage and I’m so ready to leave even with infant twins. I feel like I have 3 kids. My husband expects a round of applause for doing basic things. But when it comes to more hands on things around the house or with the kids he refuses to do it because he’s “uncomfortable”. I.E. giving them baths or cleaning out their noses. Everything is on me to plan and do if it’s not in his comfort zone and unfortunately there’s very little in his comfort zone. I’m just tired.
Dear Caller: Everyone hates it when you're late. They just don't know how to tell you. Yes, it matters. Don't be late. Signed, Punctual People
Maybe try spending 10 minutes a day (at least) contributing to your home. You could do a quick chore or pay a bill. You could ask your wife if you could help with something. It takes everyone in a family contributing a little time each day to make things go well.
“why do you hate planning & looking into the future?” , this 41 ear old legit answered “at this point she takes care of all of it” ….?!?!? i’m 2 & a half years into my marriage & i’ll be damned if i enable this behaviour , & i’m sure most men think it’s not that serious , BUT IT IS
Dude - your wife does not ENJOY doing all the organising and planning. She has become good and efficient at it because she’s had to.
Dr John you are so wonderfully realistic. I am so fortunate to have a psychiatrist who is as cool as you. Took a lot of searching, I found her in 2008.
Clear, concise and friendly. I am so happy to hear so many men call in!
This caller makes me angry. I don't think he has ever stepped up and just wants to blame his wife. I am living this now. I am called a nag and a control freak. I get extra hard and say "leave". He doesn't want to hear the fact that I am stepping up and making more efforts to keep things in order and put together. We were both "casual" about everything in the beginning but with kids, I find order is essential otherwise it's too messy and chaotic. The indifference shows lack of responsibility and maturity and it's down right unattractive. Also being wishy washy and never stepping up is weak.
Sounds like you matured and adapted to the responsibility required to the life developments at hand. Unfortunately people like your partner tend to not do the same. Especially when they have someone they know will pick up the slack. Fully formed adults rarely change there operating procedures. Especially men, sorry to say. Best of luck. 🤞
He says his wife tells him what she is feeling and then he says he doesn't know what the problems are.
Act differently to get different results. She just might be done and everything irritates her. But he has to try because he wants this marriage.
This is why I’m trying to create my tech startup focused on husbands exactly like this. We are who we are and I know so many guys like this that struggle
Damn John, you’re so patient.
If I’m not exercising regularly I get so in my head and it feels gross and he deserves my best self ❤ It’s my responsibility to myself to be happy for me but I know he appreciates it. 😭❤️🙃 I can be a real drag.
Dr. John I just want you to know that I see you dude. I know you feel underappreciated but just know that all your viewers and callers absolutely LOVE YOU MAN.
God Bless and I hope this season of frustration ends soon for you. ❤
14:21 Doc is basically trying in the most nice and professional way to MAN THE HELL UP. Women need MEN who have a healthy relationship with control.
yes extremely unmanly.
No one likes planning!!!! It’s a luxury to just show up and be entertained. If she didn’t plan no one would and that is a heavy burden.
He shut down so quickly at the first hint of criticism. I can imagine what it's like for his wife. What kind of leader does he imagine himself to be? Hint... I'm a woman and I know exactly what kind 😂
This guy will not learn from this call. He is too unfocused to understand what John told him.
I think as a couple one really has to get to know their partner and understand that there are behaviors that they will show you from the get-go about who you or they are. And we tend to overlook those behaviors or not spend enough time learning about the person we're with because we get caught up into the moment and thrill of finding someone that we like. I think thats why they say marry your best friend because those same behaviors in that person are not behaviors that you're gonna be able to change about them unless they are willing to accept that the behavior does cause a problem.
This guy just needs to grow up and he wife is unhappy because she CHOSE to accept these behaviors from the get-go. Both need to talk and come to an agreement and he needs to change and she needs to choose what battles shes willing to put up with about his behavior cause the older ya get, the harder it gets.
I see why….Listening to him I don’t like him 😂😂😂
This hit home. Thank you. Its like listening to a mensgroup meeting or two friends holding each other accountable while being open and listening . For me as dutch guy this is refreshing. Or its to firm or more towards spirtuality (which i like but this is what i need). Thank you.
Being a leader is earned, not assumed. Caller's attitude on picking a restaurant, for example, is so losey gosey. "Here's some restaurants, and we can find what we want to eat from any of those. What works for you?" What?? He needs to ask what she wants to eat. Then he chooses a couple of restaurants and then make the reservation. His wife probably tired of carrying the mental load.
Being consistently late for no good reason is extremely annoying
Fundamentally the big problem is that his wife doesn’t respect him. The more he scrambles to fix it, the less respect she has.
Bingo. This is the big elephant in the room
Curious what he’s doing while she’s doing all the thinking, planning, doing…. Wish that was covered.
Probably some useless thing like video games.
@@user-be6ld6jk6k my thoughts exactly
I wish I had seen this 2-1/2 yrs ago. A lot of similarities to what my situation was. Only... she left & I was destroyed. Hopefully you'll be able to work with your wife and both change.
Gather up what’s left of your balls and learn to be happy with yourself . Dr John is a giant simp coaching men to be better at simping . Your ex wife was a big pain in the backside . Be great full she’s gone .
The thing I have had to get over is the all or nothing mentality. If I have something I want, I don’t just scrap the rest of the day and go bananas eating everything. It’s that, “Screw it. I’ll start again tomorrow” mentality that I had to get over.
I’m not necessarily a detailed planner but it’s baffling how people go on vacations without hotel reservations! It’s a waste of time and usually more expensive to find one when you’re already there
More clear communication- the second i’m doubting if someone actually understood what i was conveying, i have to ask. And vice versa :) i hope they change their lane, it was a good lesson to listen to this guy.
100% right - this guy has no active engagement in this marriage. It sounds like he expects the functional relationship to just happen because he's trying to avoid conflict, but that's just not how it works. You have to participate. As far as the lateness... that's not a marriage issue, that's an internal issue he has that he has to work through, but he's never going to do it if he can't take himself out of his own shoes.
"do it yourself" goes a long way to realize how someone views you.
I believe most women want genuine thought and emotion behind actions. I believe most men want to be trusted and respected. Both seem to not be providing what the other needs. I would hope one side eventually chooses to give a little in a genuine and gentle way because I believe the other side will soon follow.
It can be hard to trust someone who slacks off and doesn't put effort in. Trust requires dependability.
I agree 100%. On the flip side it is hard to genuinely care for someone who is only seeing the negative and not offering any encouragement. Both sides need to give.
Women want respect as well, especially that they were not respected throughout history (with few exceptions when they were in power).
@@friktermind I agree, women also need respect just as men need acts of love to feel wanted in a relationship. I’m just generally speaking as men and women seem to be wired differently as these two issues seem to be a common problem. I believe in most cases looking at BOTH sides is probably the best way to the solution. Being biased towards one person’s perspective in a two person relationship seems to be such a close minded way to look at it.
My ex was like this. Even said some of the same things. The guy being silent and having to listen makes me uncomfortable because my ex would take all of this advice as someone trying to control him and he doesn't have to change. People need to accept people. I was always poking until I realized I didn't have to, it made him happier and love me more. But I finally came to terms with the idea that he didn't love me for me and that he never wanted to work together. He wanted to protect himself. He was always the victim. I spent days trying to figure out the right way to say I didn't like something he did to me or trying to figure out how to ask the right way to do something for me. There was never a right way. There was never a way to ask for the right way to say or ask those things without an explosion, shut down, blaming me, and avoidance.
He never made decisions until the last minute. Sometimes, I wonder if it was because he didn't want to take responsibility for anything out of fear.
Anyways, I initiated the break up reluctantly because I had my own struggles. The further I get from that day, and the more help I get, the more I realize the situation was not good. It's interesting to watch this video and recognize it and to have my feelings put into words that I did not have back then.
God people are so harsh, this man is clearly trying to work on this and get it fixed for him AND his wife so cut him some slack, it's easy to point the flaws in other people but harder to realise when they need/are seeking help
Yeah maybe we want some of our wants for vacations to be considered but we also want you to step up and help. I’ve literally said specific things I needed help with for a holiday those things were ignored and my husband chose to buy and build a gazebo instead. Then it puts me in the position to be mad about it so I just look like a cranky b when he totally disregarded my needs and expected me to do 100% of the work for entertaining his side of the family…if we start to shut down it’s because we’ve been ignored and at that point it’s because we’re over that lack of even trying to understand what we need meanwhile that’s all us wives/mom are ever doing.
Everyone has showed up late every once in a while.... But to constistaly be late everytime is arragant and disrespectful.
I feel this wide… honestly I think a lot of this comes from a place of exhaustion and dissatisfaction with her role in life; or at least just being burnt out from it. She makes decisions all day… ALL DAY handling 99% of things. So when she gets home, she just wants someone else to have the decisions made so her brain can have time off. I am exactly the same way, to the point I crave a D/s type relationship (and am thriving in one). She may benefit from that as well. It definitely seems like at the base of things, they just don’t seem compatible.
If you want to be a leader who is respected you need to start respecting other people. I'm sorry but being late constantly is disrespectful. Also part of being a leader is taking responsibility for when things go wrong. He wants to "wing it" and then not be blamed when things go south.
He doesn’t know how to communicate his issues, he’s saying he’s trying everything but never good enough.
For my self as a woman sometimes I want my husband to keep suggesting places simply because I have decision fatigue and can't think of the options, I'll say no to lots of suggestions until he says one that I'm like "oh yeah that's what I want". At first it seemed like I was knocking down all his suggestions and he couldn't win until I told him I just need suggestions until I hear the right one. Also leadership for me would be booking in a place you know your wife would like generally and letting her know you have a date planned for this time on this night.
Planning is away to include both peoples choices.
Happiness comes from within.
Oooo "the story I am choosing to make up." Wow. I hope I remember that one. Me and my husband both make assumptions about things.
The caller didn't listen to John's answer at all! He was still rattling off arguments for his point, trying to explain himself. He doesn't have any opinions, but wants to be the "leader", ugh exhausting.
Frick. I am almost 30 and unmarried but this is so relevant for me...
my x up and left after 20 years no reason she just stated she was not happy and i could not make her happy. society is telling women they are better on their own..
My husband is never happy. Very critical of everything and everybody. It is draining
I love planning family vacations. It hasn't always worked out without fights. Like when I planned a fishing trip and my husband was mad that he had to get up to early!
Can't wait for the first EP from Delony and the dropouts
Delony and the felo-nies!
@@KatieDeGo this one is good too
The only thing id put on the wife is if she knew about these issues when they were dating and ignored them out of love or an idea that "i can fix him". Unless he put on an entirely different personality during dating and engagement, i imagine he was always this insufferable, conflict avoidant, aloof.
Well, I doubt he was. Remember, he didn't give up on "being a leader" until a while into their marriage when she didn't appreciate his loosey-goosey way of planning vacations.
She likes organization and good planning and he's too undisciplined in these areas.
Exactly. They have two different styles of functioning in the world. Surprised they have lasted this long in a marriage.
It sounds like she’s frustrated with him. There are always two sides to every story. He should work on being on time if it’s important to his wife.
I’m going to say something that will make the die hard Dr John’s fans uncomfortable, ok. I know it might be hard to hear, but here it is. He doesn’t really know what he’s talking about. He just knows how to sound like he knows what he’s talking about. Trust me. Believe me. Saying opinions like they’re facts does not make it so.
I agree with you a little bit. I think he knows intellectually what the mature perspective of a situation is, but struggles to embody it in his personal life. This is typical of neurodivergent people though. And I'm the end, it is better to have intellectual self awareness than none at all. Change is possible even when the mind and body are not aligned. I would know because I'm autistic and have made spectacular progress in my emotional life by using my mind to visualize what I need, and setting important boundaries.
lol saying your opinion like it fact doesn’t make it true sweetheart. Dr. John is very smart, and self aware. He’s the best!!!!!
@@jnl3564 I'm truly happy for you