I work as a resident psychiatrist. One of my attending physician’s, who herself struggled with anxiety, mentioned something very powerful about anxiety that I’ll never forget: “anxiety just makes you mean”.
Yes it does. We’re fairly certain that my dad had anxiety. He was also severely abused as a kid. And I often caught the brunt of it. He refused to get help for the crap his parents did, or didn’t do in my grandpas case, so I got abused.
Same. I knew something was wrong, and finally got diagnosed with PMDD. Got treatment for it and now feel normal and like myself. Our home is peaceful and I never worry about losing control anymore.
I’ve been there. It’s painful and takes a lot of courage and love for the sake of your children. Do it. You’ll be thankful later and at peace. Bless you ❤
I was really excited to see this episode pop up. My husband seems really worn down and depressed because of not only my preexisting anxiety and panic attacks but my post partum hormones. I'm getting better, I'm in therapy. But those things helping me don't just erase what he's seen and been through with me. I really like hearing men's perspectives on topics like these. And John's words are so blunt and helpful for me to hear.
So many women unknowingly have hormone issues. Most doctors do not recognize and treat hormone issues in women. Our medical system is failing women!!! I know this because I have lived it and had to figure this out for myself. Most women are diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD etc… when in actuality all they have is a hormone imbalance due to menopause / early menopause. Simple Hormone Replacement Therapy can completely change a woman’s life for the better. I found a great women’s clinic that specializes in balancing women’s hormones and it changed everything. Before I figured out my physical and emotional symptoms were due to low estrogen due to menopause…I went to many doctors and none of them even mentioned this as a possible cause. I will say it again..our medical system is failing women! Spread the word to the women in your lives!
I'm a retired RN. I still do not understand how the endocrine system in our bodies is so misunderstood..... In fact, it is pretty much ignored. The irony is that it runs the whole organism.
Our physical medical system fails woman the same way our mental medical system fails men. That said so many of us fail ourselves. Whats the best way to minimize hormonal issues or mental health issues for that matter? (You know naturally. Besides drugs and surgery.) Keeping a healthy weight and eating right. 80% of American woman are overweight or obese.
When I adequately exercise I feel like a completely different person. Seriously, it's like I wake up the scared inner child who grew up with an alcoholic, neglectful, abusive mother, and change into the me who died when my father died and my mom started the drinking, the me I was supposed to be. It takes an hour of almost daily moderate to strenuous exercise, but my mind is clear...the depression and anxiety are gone, the irritability and anger, all gone. Eating healthy and time in nature certainly help as well. As a homeschool mom of 5, being in my right mind is obviously extremely important. I wish I had been more consistent through the years. I have a lot of regrets. My mother passing away also helped, sad to say.
My mother was a shrieking, selfish, self-absorbed narcissist. I was the oldest of four, and I experienced the full brunt of my mother 's wrath. She died unexpectedly at 67 years, and I have never mourned her death nor missed her in any way, shape, or form. I only wish she would have left this earth much sooner. I sighed a relief and said a prayer of thanks.
I am struggling with this right now. My daughter will be going to a small school next year because I need to work on healing because am literally at the end of my rope and I am in a situation where my healing is a threat to my husband's control so we will see how this plays out.
My dad used to say, "I can't make you mad, you are choosing to be mad." And that always made me more mad because it's not true. But he was right in the sense that people can make you mad, but no one can make you act on that anger.
My Dad was the one to take us to take us for ice cream and airplane watching when ever Mom would fly off the handle. Doctor never could find a answer for her behavior, so this happened all of her life, and unfortunately that meant a lot of ice cream and airplane days. I am happy he did what he could and helped me get other “moms” from church to help us out with the girl things and whenever he would need to leave on business trips he would drop us off at those families and we would have a great time. It was broken, but a I so beyond thankful for my dad. These kids will see you as your super hero. Please Raymond. Be their hero.
Just listening from the start of the call he sounds absolutely exhausted and defeated. Thats what living with anxiety is like and I imagine what living with someone who has it is also like.
I was thinking the same thing about the husband: worn down and worn out. I have a friend with nearly out of control anxiety that has lately gotten worse. My friend is a magnet for anxiety and fear, finding new things to agonize over -- and most of my friend's anxiety and fear is from genuine, serious situations. It's exhausting to hear the same thing over and over for years, but if listening can provide some help then I will continue to listen.
This sounds like my now deceased mother. She would fly into outrageous rages, screaming and cussing at us for things we had done 5 yrs previously. All because she got mad at someone else. She would later say “I don’t know why I act like that”. But after a while we stopped listening to the apology because we knew it would just happen again. We begged her to get help but she always refused. She destroyed all the love I ever had for her. In fact, that loving relationship never developed. As an adult I honored my mother, took her out every week to lunch, and helped her when she developed dementia. But when she died, in a way, I was relieved. I no longer had to put up with her abuse. Right up until the week before she passed she was still telling me what a horrible person I was as I was wheeling her out to lunch, buying her whatever she wanted at the store. It never stopped. For those poor kid’s sake, he needs to take them and leave.
My mother is exactly the same. With newly diagnosed dementia. I honor her like you do but don’t like her very much. She is verbally abusive to me. I believe she has Borderline PD, and is a mild narcissist. Growing up with her was a nightmare.
@@carebear927yea i’m in this situation and i don’t talk to that woman at all. i left as soon as i turned 20. i feel guilty sometimes for not being the forgiving daughter that these women are but i really just can’t. i have so much resentment, she was supposed to make me feel safe and she failed me. there’s no forgiving that in my book.
I'm sorry you endured that. No one ever has to though. I respect your decision to continue pouring love into her despite receiving nothing but abuse, and am in awe you were able to. It's perfectly acceptable to go no-contact with someone like that, if that's anyone's choice out there. God bless you all.
I really appreciate this episode. My Mom had an undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and my Dad always justified her, blaming everyone else for making her angry or doing anything that would make her tick (which was everything pretty much). She used to beat me and emotionally abuse me when my Dad wasn't home, until she died of cancer. He never stood up for us or seeked help for my Mom. I've forgiven both of them after a lot of hard work in therapy. Dads need to have these conversations, they need to take control when Mom is not up to it. And I'm glad he's doing what I wish my Dad would have done when I was little.
As someone who had a passive, excuse making, stand-by parent who didn't stand up and protect me as a child; it was really nice to hear delony's advice on this one. It took me until 27 to realize my "nice", "good" parent was actually an enabler and when I brought this up it was met with "well what did you want me to do?!" After 10+ years there is no regret, no reflection, nothing. It was very hurtful. Especially as a mother myself now to older kids. I would never treat my kids how I was treated. Have never. And I would never stand by and watch and not do something to protect my kids if my spouse was. It's disgusting.
I relate to this so hard. For so long I felt bad for my mom because she was being treated badly also. Then I realised I started yelling back at my dad before I even turned 10, because I couldn't stand him taking his frustration out on us! Why couldn't my mom stand up to him to protect us if I could do so as a kid? Even now she sometimes looks to me when my dad is rude to her. It shouldn't have been up to me, and of course I was often blamed for escalating the situation by not just letting my dad run his course lol.
@@eevee2411 oh yeah, I was blamed too. I was the difficult child, the problem, defiant, rebellious etc. "Nothing worked" on me. I wanted to retaliate for how I was treated. I wanted my dad to be punished for how he was acting. I didn't care about the consequences. Looking back I realize now I wasn't a bad kid. I was reacting to my environment. We shouldn't have felt the need to stand up and fight back or defend ourselves that young.
Oh man, my dad was very physically and emotionally abusive, and if we brought it up to my mom she would say "well, what do you expect me to do?" I hated her for this even though I grew up thinking she was the "nice" parent because she didn't rage at us.
I’ve dealt with anxiety for a good majority of my life but it was manageable. Last year my 19yr stepdaughter had last minute brain surgery and diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. I’ve been a caregiver to her and my four other kids, and the stress has elevated my anxiety and i battle with depression now. After one day i explode in front of my kids and after that I said “I need help bc my family do not deserve this!” I’m in therapy and now I’m taking meds for my anxiety and depression. Best decision ever!!! And with the guidance of my Lord Jesus my family is mending..We are human and we all struggle with different things and we can all use some help time to time.
The Lord will use us in situations for us to shine a light in a dark world. He won't always remove the bad things in our life but He will always give us the opportunity to show others how a believer in Jesus Christ should shine. He gives us the strength and wisdom to move forward in difficult times.
no one deserves the brain cancer diagnosis, we had it in our family at age 21, basically no one wanted to step up and help, so my 60 something parents took care of her and me even though i had three small kids. People run when this happens....but you can get thru it. We did it with no other support--i wrote them all off when she died...and my parents and i did bounce back, it was a huge struggle. my other relatives were invisible so i cut them out.
I wish my mother had the ability to reflect like this. She never looked at her actions as wrong she justified every meltdown as the fault of external sources. I do not let her spend a moment alone with my children because I do not trust her. It has driven a huge wedge within my family. My mother cannot be trusted and my father is an enabler.
My mum has done this to me my whole life. I am now in my 30s and can no longer take it. She really needs help and yet wont hear it and consistently yells at me and says that it is my fault
My dad’s crippling anxiety ruled our household growing up, and it got really bad during our most formative years. Instead of leaving him and breaking up the family, my mom decided to just keep us away from him as much as possible. She enrolled us in every possible after school activity that she could afford, drove us all one creation to have meetups with friends, etc. so we didn’t have to be at home much. For awhile, I resented her for alienating us from our dad. Now, seeing things through an adult lens, I can see she was trying desperately to protect us. One time she told me “I just couldn’t let you kids think his behavior was your fault!” We would have. Children internalize everything.
This is the message/ talk that i needed when i was a new mom. In the early years, i struggled to keep my cool. I would lose it and then cy because i was becoming my mother, and i wanted better for my kids. About 7 years ago, after a really bad explosion, I finally resolved to make a change. I asked my husband to keep me accountable and never cover for my bad behavior with the kids. I actively sought out podcasts, videos, and books to help me. It breakes my heart that my older 2 kids had a completely different mom than the younger 2 got.
Wow this sounds exactly like my story. I struggled for years with my older 2 and now they are 9 and 10 and my youngest two are 3 and 1. I’m a totally different mom now but every day is a challenge.
Please have an open conversation about this with all your kids! We may often feel like we should hide our struggles from them, but truly they experience them more than we notice. Tell your older kids that you acknowledge you weren't there for them the same way you were there for your younger kids. Tell them you don't love them less, but you weren't capable back then. Tell them they're allowed to be upset about it and that it was never their fault. A lot of things are deeply felt by kids but remain undiscussed, causing them to feel like they're misunderstood or even wrong about what happened.
@@chrislim7976 yes that’s okay. That’s honestly what I was hoping to do, but not in a sexual way. However I’ve noticed many my age don’t agree with this because they see it as having options open and liking multiple people at once
@@milana2020 Yes as I wrote that I was hoping it would not be interpreted as a lot of people in a sexual way; thanks for clarifying. You sound like what is called an "old soul" (that's a compliment btw)
I just found you today after one of your video shorts appeared on my feed. It's all I can do to hold myself back from binge watching all your content in one sitting! I really appreciate your views on the videos I have watched thus far. I love that you seem to have such logical, reasonable responses at the ready and how well they are articulated. Thank you for saying the hard truth with kindness and compassion. I appreciate you sharing your knowledge and wisdom so freely. Thank you.
Having a parent that stands up for you is invaluable. Thats what i lacked in my childhood. My mom never stood up for me when my dad was mad. I felt like i was better at standing up for myself and defending myself than my own mother was. Both of these parents really need help
She needs therapy and if she refused it again than he needs to leave. This is so messed up and her kids will follow her path. Someone needs to protect these children 😢 p.S. some people shouldn't have children. My childhood was also messed up in some ways because of trauma / alcoholism of my parents. And only therapy helped me. I have no kids and I think I should pass on it because I'm still not balanced enough, maybe never be.
People that go through trauma statistically tend to treat their children better because their main mantra is what happened to me I dont want that happen to my kids. I think it is usually the fear of being bad to kids that keep those kind of people away from having children. If you are in therapy and tyring to be better then try to have kids. Break the cycle instead of taking the easy way out. I used to think in my early 20s that I wont have kids because I dont want to pass my trauma onto my kids. But then I realized I never mistreated any kids I came across and always loved them and was super protective of them so my fear of not wanting to have kids because I will mess them up was not real.
Same situation as mine, alcoholic mother, taken into care so I was emotionally too immature to have children and never have had them now I'm nearly 60.
Parents that watch their children being abused by the other parent or any one else are complicit in the abuse. He needs to take those children and run. To every parent out there: Protect your children.
Run from loud noises? She’s not doing physical harm. Don’t be so eager to be heroically righteous that you do even greater harm. Yelling is the least of all abuses.
While there is a complicit element, many people shut down when this scenario happens because it’s so egregious that they don’t have a framework to respond correctly. You can tell the Dr John gave the caller some information that was an epiphany for him. People don’t expect to be in an emotionally abusive relationship and sometimes need to be shaken out of it by a third party
He should put up cameras, record the incidences, take himself to counseling, and take the kids to counseling too. After getting this established, then he can leave with them if she doesn't follow medical advice. The family model will become their experience as childhood trauma, and haunt them for decades unless they get to see another model, or another way to live. Kids deserve peace, they deserve adults behaving like adults that protect them.
Some people don't get help because they don't think they're worth it, some people, like my mom, don't get help because they're just completely divorced from reality and don't have the ability to see that they have a problem
The father needs to get the kids out of this situation. I grew up with a mother like this. It was horrific. I can't explain how horrible it was growing up. I fled at 18 and built my life with my sister minus parents. I wish my father would have saved us from our mother.
I was raised in a house like this... except my mom's aggression and explosions also scared my dad. He also had so much trauma, so he would avoid. And my brother and I took it all, we were raised knowing we were responsible for mom's emotions. My older brother was my support system but nobody was his. Now my parents have been in therapy, so many things have changed for the better. But while I was still living with them to see that change, my brother escaped home at 17 and didn't live through that change. The family is slowly getting back together, but we are so broken. If mom and dad aren't safe... there's a loss that marks us for the rest of our lives.
My girl has anxiety if you are going to be living life with someone who has anxiety you need to do more than tell them to get help. You need to hold them and reassure them everything is ok. That does a really good job for us. My girl doesn’t just have anxiety either she has panic disorder which is worse. When she gets that way just hold her what she needs is your love. If you not about that life then it’s actually you that is the issue
@@EngageYourFrontalLobe she’s on a medication that seems to work well for her. When she feels a panic attack coming on she has gotten good at just vocalizing “hey I feel an attack coming on”, at which point the treatment is just arms around her make her feel safe. That approach really just makes everything go so much better. She may have an episode every two weeks at this point? But before when I wasn’t dealing with it in this way it was almost every day.
@saguna_brahman I love this I have CPTSD & panic disorder and i don't have "rage" I have fear and afterwards depression and shame my partner is always my rock and my safe space in those times and he was the one who supported me and encouraged me to be brave and speak with a therapist 😊 and even if it doesn't "fix" me I have the tools I need and the safety I need.
Amen amen amen!!! If he has done this himself he NEVER EVER EVER has the right to plant the seed that this is SICKNESS. If just one of those kids grows up and raises their voice to their kids or someone they love, they may spiraling down the well.. Don't plant that seed in them. Tell them struggle. Or mom feels really strongly right now, let's give her some time... ESPECIALLY IF SHE IS ALREADY IN THERAPY TRYING TO GET HELP. Are you here to help or hinder?
@@leader_of_the_sleuth well we are both human beings so that means we both get frustrated and do have arguments. Voices do raise at times. It’s not always perfect but the main strategy is to just love her and reassure
This was so so so good to hear because I would stick up for my kids and catch so much crap my husband when I stood between them. Now I know what I did and felt was right, actually WAS.
I would put serious money she had BPD. The anxiety, the anger, mood swings, acting like a child herself and refusing to admit she needs help. These are all signs someone with bpd typically shows. Just listen to the caller, man is walking on eggshells to figure out how to not make things worse when around her, another very common sign. Unfortunately, the only thing that can happen to change anything, is she decides for the sake of herself and her family to seek serious help. And she has to be all in, can't be doing it "because the husband made her". I have experience loving someone with bpd, but she would not get the help she needed in order for me to be willing to stay in that relationship. It sucks, but something inside them fights the very thought of therapy unfortunately. The only one responsible for them getting help is themselves.
My ex had BPD plus other things like ADHD, depression, anxiety etc. It was the most difficult relationship I’ve ever been in even though I treated her so well. Eventually she devalued me and kicked me to the curb after flipping out about problems she caused herself but it was a repeating cycle about once a month up until that point. It’s the best thing that could happen and my life is peaceful now. I will never go through that again. 3 years of that is enough for me. If someone who has these problems and won’t seek therapy and counseling it’s a lost cause and it’ll never get better. If that’s what the wife’s caller has he needs to get out of the house and take his kids with him to make sure they’re safe until their mom gets to where she she’s safe to be around. If he doesn’t the kids are going to grow up with some big issues themselves.
@@jime19911 man I can relate to your experience very much. It's so difficult when you put so much of yourself into the relationship and helping them. Same here, I treated her so well but unless they are actively in treatment it's like walking through a field of land mines, just no winning and it's a never ending battle. Glad to hear you've been on the up since though, I'm in the process of pulling myself together after getting out of mine.
My mom was like this. My ex was like this. It’s so hard. You love them so much. When they’re good, they’re unbelievably amazing, but when they’re bad, it’s a nightmare. The kids love that amazing person. You see that and don’t want to take that from them (this is the messed up thinking). The kids cling to that good part, they want that person, but they walk on eggshells. If the volatile person doesn’t get help, someone needs to step in. Sadly, most of the time no one does. I survived as a child by the adults who saw this and gave me a word of encouragement, who validated my experiences. I clung to those words. Later, as a parent. I pulled my kids out, but I had to slay my own dragons, too. This is hard. Really freaking hard. And the rest of your life with those kids can be hard. There has been extraordinary damage before you realize you can’t fix it yourself. I’m so sad for everyone who is going through this.
It sounds like you're a really strong person. You should be proud of yourself. Thank goodness for the adults here and there who saw and gave even a small amount of healthy perspective. As adults we often don't even realize the impact of those things on kids
I wish my dad took this advice and would explain that what my mom would say to me was wrong instead of enabling her while I was growing up and caused me to internalize all the emotional abuse. It’s nice to hear that this father sounds concerned and really wants to do what is right for his kids ❤
Even in the dysfunction these children love their mother and are probably protective of her when she isn't raging at them. Absolutely have Dr. John's recommended conversation with them and her at a time of calm. When the next rage starts, immediately take them out of range, go to the park, take a walk, ride bikes, keep swim gear in the car so that you can go to a neighborhood pool, etc., physical activity will help them expend energy and calm down their nervous system I would probably skip the ice cream "treat" since that can create a very unhealthy relationship with food especially foods with high sugar content which can also stimulate their already stressed nervous system. Dad is in therapy - involve the children so they learn it really isn't about them but about their mother's unwillingness to control herself.
I have severe anxiety and severe ADHD , and I can tell you sir - that it’s not an excuse for being abusive. That’s HER personality. I would NEVER allow my kids to be my emotional punching bag. I would rather die. I’m medicated and I go to therapy once a week for the past six years so I can be the best me possible for my family. I think that you need to tell your wife to go to a psychiatrist for formal diagnosis because I wouldn’t be shocked if she had a personality disorder. Put those kids first. I had a mother who didn’t get help, and it’s been a very difficult journey. Would also suggest putting your kids in therapy if it’s financially feasible.
I completely agree. This has NOTHING to do with anxiety. She's a spoiled, controlling brat that was never checked as a child for trying to intimidate other people into doing what she wants through bullying them. I lived with two people like this as a child and they basically tried to force everyone to accommodate them anytime they were unhappy when they'd never do that for anyone else.
I was about to ask: so what is the difference between anxiety and a personality disorder then? Because that is what I see. That is what I grew up with. Exactly that! And my dad did nothing either. I am old now and I have been affected all my life. I have undiagnosed but definite ADHD and an quite awkward with most people. If you learn you can't trust people you end up a bit weird. Solidarity! 👍❤
I wish that Dr. John did not have to tell parents that it is not okay to allow their spouses to abuse their children. I wish that parents had the sense to put their children, who can't protect themselves, before their spouse. Those kids didn't ask to be here and they can't protect themselves.
Record record record! Get it on video! Then take it to the police and get an emergency custody order, then leave. Unfortunately as a man you need proof.
My mother went this way after I left the house. My younger siblings and dad dealt with this from about 2012 to 2015 real bad and then continued until around 2022. My siblings grew up and ofcourse left the house. After enough of the rollercoaster my dad divorced her. He told me about it and I said we're all grown up, do what you have to do, its not like you didnt try. To this day my mom doesnt understand what went wrong. At the end of the day, as I've listened to her over the years, I've come to realize, she lives in fear. Her thoughts have compiled into her nervous system, also throw in some hormonal changes. All the nastiness and other things that came out was her fear, and it manifested into other domains in her life that she has a very hard time controlling it. As for what can be controlled, dont live in fear, when left unchecked, it can steal your peace, and make you value things that you will waste time on so that you dont give your time to what you truly value.
Those children are walking on eggshells. Their sympathetic nervous system is in constant fight or flight. I grew up in a home with a mom like this. I was just as upset as my codependent dad when i started healing as I was with my mom. Felt he didn't protect us because he was afraid of her too. Sadly that constant adrenal gland pumping to protect causes lots of chronic illness. I then went into abusive marriages. Thought this was normal. Now in my 50s and have 3 autoimmune diseases from internalizing all the emotional turmoil. Get you kids out of there if your wife won't seek help.
I’m so sorry you went through this, thank you for sharing🤍🤍 I have a similar story. I’m 29 and have been sick my whole life. Just exhausted…I don’t know if you’ll see this or if you’re comfortable sharing, but may I ask what your 3 autoimmune disorders are? I’m currently sorting through medical BS and trying to advocate for myself and what tests to ask for. Thank you so much, I hope that your healing process is going as smoothly as possible💗
Im a private music teacher and Im happy to tell every one that many of my students' anxiety/ depression is helped with the lessons. Voice/ instrumental lessons alleviate anxiety and empower people, especially young people. Ive seen it first hand. One young girl I have gets mute from anxiety ( called selective mutism) and she sings for me alone now. And its cheaper than therapy/ medication a lot of the time. The girls love confiding in me too. Im a safe adult for them.
As someone who came from an abusive household and was in private voice lessons for much of my upbringing, having a creative outlet definitely helps, however, lessons are NEVER a sufficient replacement for therapy. Especially considering private instructors can be really hurtful and lack boundaries in my experience. I agree with you that music can give kids confidence and instructors can be a great safe space for kids, but it’s not comparable to actual mental health treatment.
After having two small kids, I didn’t know I wasn’t well. I knew I was depressed but that’s it. I didn’t realize all the yelling I was doing. My behavior was not okay. But no one said anything or was too afraid. It took me multiple visits to my stomach doctor to realize all of my pain and anger was I needed to be on medication. Lexapro saved my life. I’m not pushing Lexapro but I had no idea how out of control I was. My husband has no knowledge of mental health so he didn’t know what to do. How we are still married is beyond me. I have since take ownership of all the pain I caused to my family. And directly and indirectly to my kids.
My ex had BPD plus other things like ADHD, depression, anxiety etc. It was the most difficult relationship I’ve ever been in even though I treated her so well. Eventually she devalued me and kicked me to the curb after flipping out about problems she caused herself but it was a repeating cycle about once a month up until that point. It’s the best thing that could happen and my life is peaceful now. I will never go through that again. 3 years of that is enough for me. If someone who has these problems and won’t seek therapy and counseling it’s a lost cause and it’ll never get better. If that’s what the wife’s caller has he needs to get out of the house and take his kids with him to make sure they’re safe until their mom gets to where she she’s safe to be around. If he doesn’t the kids are going to grow up with some big issues themselves.
@@jime19911 My ex was like that too. It was torture to be in a relationship with him. Hopefully he sought help and is managing his symptoms better now.
@@jime19911 I'm with one right now. She's so delusional and paranoid I'm thinking she has all of those along with Schizoaffective disorder. She has therapy but she thinks one of her therapist is one of her friends mom and they're both working together against her. She just went on new meds and she's been worse since then, not better. Everyone in her life has some other identity and go by another name.
Ugh my anxiety is affecting myself and my family too. I can usually stay pretty calm but there are times that I feel unheard and feel so angry that it’s like a big rush of adrenaline and I’m shaking and my hearts pounding. Sometimes it’s something that seems small to everyone else but it’s huge to me, like when they drip food and drinks down the front of the kitchen cupboards when I’ve told them over and over to clean up their spills. Sometimes I feel like their servant and feel very disrespected and after all these years its began triggering a fight or flight thing in me and making me feel crazy. I really just don’t have the patience to deal with people, especially my teenage kids, though I’ve never been physical with them but I do yell.
I looked to my dad hoping he’d tell my mom to stop belittling me. His eyes were typically frozen with inner pain, but he never said anything, because he didn’t want her to turn it towards him.
When there is one abusive person, any other adult valudating that and telling them it is not ok and that the person is crossig the line, is enough to help an child form a better understanding that they are separate from that behavior and prevents the child from internalizing. This is true even if the abuse continues. You let them know that the person is not ok. This is not about you, gives them glasses by which to see and to separate from that person's abuse.
I grew up with a mom like this. All I remember about my mother growing up is getting scolded and memories of her hitting us. Of course there are memories of her cooking us amazing meals but I don’t remember my mom sitting with me and talking to me about anything. She has a temper and she’s low on patience. I love her to death. But her constant hitting, scolding, and telling us that we weren’t good at something or something negative has haunted me and made building relationships with a partner so difficult for me because I have coping mechanisms, low confidence, easily succumb to codependency, and at the end of it all I’m just walking on eggshells making sure they are happy. That’s because that how I was taught a relationship worked to be liked you had to work for it. To be treated with patience and kindness you had to make no mistakes. I’m slowly working though this.
People who don't get treatment for their mental disorders shouldn't be raising children. They'll end up suffering from anxiety as well. I have anxiety disorder so I get very depressed or cry, but I don't yell at anyone, I just get upset and try to calm down.
I’m very sorry to hear about this issue of ‘anxiety’, it sounds like more than anxiety. She should not be allowed to verbally abuse your children. And I’m sorry to say it IS abuse. Dude you have one job, protect! Abused children often end up as abusers, the data is available for anyone to discover. Step in and stop the cycle. Your children’s future depends on it
Same 🎯 But I guess I get it, they don’t want to cause strife between each other. And don’t want to seem like they are parenting against one another..eh 😒
Recently out of a relationship where a women would say the meanest things to me during an argument. I’m glad to say I’m out now but if someone says they love u and talks to you that way, they don’t love u.
I couldn’t recognize my adhd and anxiety in myself but supported my husband and kids through their struggles with mental health. I eventually got help 6 yrs ago and our whole family has been thriving.
My exwife was the same. He needs to leave her and find better role models. I didnt leave because I was afraid of how she would treat them when I wasnt there. But Ive found its much better for them to be in a good home 50% of the time instead of a poor situation 100% of the time. My kids now have an amazing women they see as a mother figure and they are soo much happier. They still love their mum and always will, but now they have a much better model of what life should be like.
“There will come a day that those children look at you and say why didn’t you protect us?” This a thousand times over. Speaking from experience, those children may resent dad more because he was the healthy one and he didn’t stand up for them in a meaningful way. I used to think silence in the face of such wickedness was an act of self-restraint and sanctity; as I got older, I realized the silence I witness was mere cowardice. And as for mom- i relate to her too. I struggle with horrible anxiety. It has been undiagnosed for my entire life, and I struggled so badly with postpartum rage. She needs help. She may have a traumatic upbringing that she hasn’t dealt with, borderline personality disorder, out of whack hormones and undernourishment, or any combination of these things. She could also just be overwhelmed by the demands of daily life and need some practical support. All of these things should be explored if possible, but if she refuses to acknowledge how damaging her behavior is, it’s likely that she is borderline (which is often the result of childhood emotional abuse). Anyway- such a sad situation. Praying for all the moms out there, the kids who struggle with emotionally stunted parents, and the spouses who often don’t know what to do and are heavily codependent.
If this father reads these comments I wants to tell him if he doesn't change he will be in my position now. I'm 56 and female. Went no contact with my dad four years ago due to his explosive rage. The past week is the first time in four years I haven't gotten a pit in my stomach when I tell someone I need more time to figure something out. FOUR YEARS.
This dad sounds like he has given up. Not to put this father down but WE have a MAN problem in America. COWBOY UP and take your children out of this situation. Yelling at kids only makes them terrified, and they feel unloved. Kids take the blame every single time.
This guy is doing everything he can to avoid divorce. She will likely misbehave in a divorce, causing him to lose everything. "Man up" is not a plausible thing to say in this modern day environment with our divorce and domestic laws
It’s can be crippling. I wish more was understood. For all of our sakes. I wish many of these could have both sides of the coin. I hope this family finds healing. 😔 🕊️
Thank you for telling him his kids need relationships with safe adults. I grew up staying with my friends’ families. Sometimes I’d have “sleepovers” for weeks at a time, then be shuffled off to the next house. The parents who welcomed me into their houses, cared for me like their own kids, saved my life.
I was a yeller when my kids were young. Being a stay at home mom was really stressful. I felt super guilty about it until someone gave me the grace to see I wasn’t alone, and that there were ways to work on it. Why is this mom yelling and stressed out? Mine was a heaping combo of growing up with a very demanding controlling mother and alcoholic father, having two young children to care for (one whom I regularly had to save from hurting or killing himself because he had zero sense), and a husband who did jack all as far as cleaning up the house and actually parenting the children. I hated becoming irate and even had panic attacks (I was also suffering from the covert narcisstic abuse from the husband), with intrusive thoughts. This wasn’t run of the mill anxiety. This was a coping mechanism from a lifetime of past and current abuse. I started going to Al-anon when my first born was just 4 months old. He’s now 16. I can’t fix what my coping mechanisms did. But I hope my kids can see how much I have worked on it so I can have better self control and that I love them very much. 😢
I have ADHD and one thing I make sure to do is apologize to my little guy afterwards. It helps him realize I’m human as well and that I’m going to mess up. I also need alone time in order to recharge and calm the overstimulation down.Doing that has made our home a safe space and helped my son learn empathy.
I'd like to share that I suffered with the most savagely extreme anxiety to wear the point I would pass out behind the steering wheel and I would only get about 40 seconds from onset to maximum Panic, for many years they had me on benzo and during the pandemic I didn't want to feel like a zombie so along with my Doctor I got off of them. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was down there 45 so I started taking adderall and I've never had a panic attack since
Woooo this one hurt me. When he said one day your children will ask you why you didn’t protect them 😭 this is how it feels for me. My dad has passed and I still try to forgive him for not protecting us from our mother’s outbursts and violence & dysfunction.
Your situation is the same as mine was-I couldn't grieve for my dad for years because of resentment; I literally felt nothing & even lost my memories of him. Years later I started writing which helped me articulate & process my feelings. Once I gained some clarity, I realized that my dad did the best he could with what he had; he wanted to divorce her but knew the abuse would escalate if he wasn't in the home. I accepted that the best he could do to protect us was not divorce her. It was then that I was able to forgive him, remember him and finally grieve for him. The worst thing was realizing how terrible it must've been for him knowing his wife was a monster and his kids had no respect for him. The guilt of wondering if he ever knew I loved him & guilt for my disrespect towards him tortured me, so I prayed that God would heal that. God sent my dad to me in a dream one night and I told him how much I loved him. My dad told me he knew I loved him and that he loved me. That was the healing I needed. If God healed me then He can heal you too. Ask Him to help you forgive you dad & heal your heart. It'll set you free once He does that for you and you deserve that. I wish you the best on your healing journey.
Some people need to step up to the plate as the more supposed sane parent and protect the children. Stop parenting the adult in your situation and save your childrens mental and emotional health.
If this was a woman caller, John’s first question would have been “are you safe”? This man need to remove himself and kids from this situation. If a man were doing the things she’s doing, it would be considered abusive and unacceptable. She needs to grow up.
He probably would have asked but then he found out the guy was also emotionally abusing his kids so… he shifted the call into helping him control his behavior!
WHY would his first question to anyone calling about anxiety be “are you safe”? I think you’re confusing the women who have called initially about their husbands anger with ppl who call about their spouses anxiety. You have to be careful about making blanket statements or implications, I’ve heard him ask several men if they were safe. Given that most women with anger issues express it psychologically rather than physically due to the physical disparity, it would be understandable why he wouldn’t ask men if they’re physically safe as often as he asks women. Ppl love to cherry pick and accuse him of handling things differently, but they never list any examples of actual calls. I find that interesting.
My mother was like that. She would always scream at the top of her lungs, and she had a very loud voice. When I was young, like five years old, I would shake or go under my bed because it was so scary. as I got older. I stopped hearing her, even though she was still doing it. I would just stay silent and ignore it. I became numb to everything. Talking to her, never made a difference. Telling her to stop never worked. It was not necessary for our father to say what she’s doing is wrong. We all knew it was bad She never changed. The only thing that worked was leaving and blocking her phone. People who scream do it for controlling others. They will not give that power up.
Screaming can often be a cry for help...... A helluva way to do that, though. My life was like that.... Mum was alone & yelled a lot...and I did too. I had serious PPD that was undiagnosed at the time. Hopefully my kids have forgiven me.... I'm VERY lucky & blessed 💞
Nah, everyone i know is throwing around diagnoses, often as insults or weapons. She has BPD, he's on the spectrum, she's got anxiety, he's bipolar, i'm adhd, yada yada. A therapist is trained to ID and work with these things.
No it’s not it’s very common for people to google excuses for their partners abusive behavior which is clearly the situation here, making some self diagnosis for your partner doesn’t excuse their abuse
another lesson to folks out there looking for marriage. Please vet your men or women carefully before marriage. I never say not to marry people with mental illness or problems like this but know what you're getting yourself into
My step father was the same, it was a scary time in my life…my mom would just sit on the side lines and after would tell me, I’ll make it up to you when he goes to work and I resent my mother for that.
I ended my 2.5year relationship for the same reasons. My ex has adhd but he was very reactive. You end up walking on eggshells. He was diagnosed as a child but refused to go on medication or therapy. It's such a shame as on paper we should have been golden. So I feel for the caller especially as children are involved.
@RoseKnowss That is common because they hyperfocus on people or things. So in the beginning you feel like you've met your soul mate. They seem almost perfect. Then when the hyperfocus shifts to something else you're left feeling alone. It lasted 2 years for us. Then he became hyperfocussed on work and so had tunnel vision. He would talk to me aggressively and it could be over anything. Very Jeckyl and Hyde. Lovely one minute agressive the next. When I brought it up he said he wouldnt do it again and yet he did time and time again. Swearing, growling being angry. I know he had previously punched holes in walls before we met and I heard him once on the phone punching the headboard on his bed. Then he started the silent treatment which went on for weeks. Always me ringing him.he would promise he would change but never did. He would tell silly lies quite often. Then later on would blame me for things like I shouldn't have brought something up or I made him mad etc etc He just went stone cold silent all because I asked him not to talk aggressively or go silent on me because it hurt me. He liked to avoid things. I would say to you the best thing I did was join adhd_partners sub on reddit. So many partners experience the same types of behaviour from their adhd partner. It can be lonely so its great to talk to people who understand. My ex asked me so many times to move in with him from early on into our relationship but having been divorced I wanted to wait and I'm glad I did because a common theme seems to be that If you move in or get married they can change and you end up feeling lonely and walking on eggshells. They always say in the group that the adhd partner needs to be on meds and have therapy too for there to be a chance of things getting better....mine point blank refused. Having said that there are partners on there who have a adhd partner on meds and its still the same. People end up in a parental role. I'm not saying its the same for everyone but the above seems to be common and just what I personally experienced. He was also quite selfish and everything had to be about him. I did question whether there was some narcassim also at play but I don't know. If you are struggling please don't struggle alone. I know what it's like and there are places where we can talk like that sub on reddit.
@carrionflowers6764 I think because both involve outbursts and they can't regulate emotions so that leads to the outbursts. Also both fear rejection so if they perceive something as rejection even if it isn't that will trigger them.
Well, that's lovely. I've been telling my husband to pack up our kids and leave for their sake and he feels too bad for me. I tried therapy multiple times, I tried doing labs. Nothing is wrong with me, I am just a terrible person. I am sending this to my husband right now. Hopefully this time I will finally find strength to die because nothing is helping me and I am ruining the lives of people I love. Thank you for this episode.
This really hit home for me. I regret not taking my kids and leaving my abusive husband when I filed for divorce. That would've been the best way for me to protect them. Instead, I filed and we ended up living in the same house for over a year while waiting for the court, and he got violent, started fights with me constantly, manipulated our kids, screwed with their heads, one of them ended up in a psychiatric hospital twice. This is one of my biggest regrets. If your kids are in this type of situation where you've tried everything and the other person continues their hurtful behavior, I strongly encourage you to to please take them and walk away for their protection and your mental health. This is not healthy. John handled this conversation beautifully.
Write a letter to them and TELL them that. They need to hear it. You need to apologize to them for not protecting them, ask for their forgiveness and tell them that you love them. They deserve all of that, ma'am.
Doesn't sound like anxiety when the mom is yelling at the kids, but anger and abuse. Dr. John is so right, dad need to really set limits and protect the kids, and then confront the mom privately about her anger and behaviour. Then insist she get therapy and possibly medication.
One great thing that happens once the yelling stops is you get actual peace in the house. Cause no one’s on level ten all the time. And if you do have to yell for whatever reason. Usually it’s something that can hurt them. They actually listen cause it’s something they never hear. It becomes a warning. Not a way of life.
Great advice but I’m not sure I’d use the word “sick” to 8 and 10 year old kids. Maybe say “Mom is having a tough time and it isn’t your fault”. Using the word “sick” might be confusing. Kids at that age won’t have to ability to understand what mentally sick means. Just my two cents. ✌🏻
My husbands mother hung herself from a fan when he was 3 years old. He thought most of his childhood his mom was just sick, like cancer or something. Nope, it randomly came out that “that was the fan and it’s still broken and there because grandpa wouldn’t remove it”
I have adhd, anxiety, and lots of childhood trauma. Having a kid made my issues really set and centre, even though i have always been working on becoming a more grounded person. Losing my cool around my son was unacceptable. I temporarily went on medication, got diagnosed with a hormonal issue and treated that, went to therapy i struggled to afford, started an exercise routine ive stuck to for 2 years, and worked on my diet. My sleep could use some work, but overall, i can now handle even hugely stressful and unfair events, small day tonday is nothing. All this to say, its not acceptable. If she wanted to be a better mom for her kids, she would.
Many of us have health issues that we did not ask for or can not control. I have had a number of health issues over the years and have been working almost full time to get better but so much is not in my control. My husband now has ADHD, cognitive decline as well and worsening mobility issues. It has changed our entire life and pretty much disables our marriage and out life. But I do know he cannot control his health. I remind myself that I took my vows in sickness and health and I just do the best I can every day. Yes, I am angry, yes I am disappointed and I am sad at how our life has turned out but we do not always get to chose how we age. My husband will not seek treatment for his ADHD or to heal our marriage but I have had to take care of my health in any way I can and let him take care of his.
This phone call probably saved his kids a lifetime of being people pleasers and thinking there was something wrong with them. Kudos to this dad!
This comment is very underrated. So true
I work as a resident psychiatrist. One of my attending physician’s, who herself struggled with anxiety, mentioned something very powerful about anxiety that I’ll never forget: “anxiety just makes you mean”.
In my moms case, it makes her overbearing and she hovers constantly
100%!!! A family member used her anxiety as an excuse to be awful to people. We were just supposed to take it.
Yessss😢😮
Yes it does. We’re fairly certain that my dad had anxiety. He was also severely abused as a kid. And I often caught the brunt of it. He refused to get help for the crap his parents did, or didn’t do in my grandpas case, so I got abused.
Isn’t it just our bodies alarm system? It doesn’t make you mean at all ❤
I would lash out. My hubby made me see a doctor. My hormones were whacked out! Got treated and our home was much calmer
How did that conversation take place?
Same. I knew something was wrong, and finally got diagnosed with PMDD. Got treatment for it and now feel normal and like myself. Our home is peaceful and I never worry about losing control anymore.
@@Cyanopteryxwhat’s pmdd?
@@Ama.921google it 😂😂😂😂
@@Ama.921 it is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome. It is a serious mental health problem concerning around 10% of menstruating women!
I can hear the brokenness in the caller's voice. He is oppressed, ground-down and exhausted.
Yep. I 100% understand where he is. It's not fun and I'll leave it at that.
I’ve been there. It’s painful and takes a lot of courage and love for the sake of your children. Do it. You’ll be thankful later and at peace. Bless you ❤
He sounds afraid of her
I was really excited to see this episode pop up. My husband seems really worn down and depressed because of not only my preexisting anxiety and panic attacks but my post partum hormones. I'm getting better, I'm in therapy. But those things helping me don't just erase what he's seen and been through with me. I really like hearing men's perspectives on topics like these. And John's words are so blunt and helpful for me to hear.
@@WhyWouldYou821poor guy
So many women unknowingly have hormone issues. Most doctors do not recognize and treat hormone issues in women. Our medical system is failing women!!! I know this because I have lived it and had to figure this out for myself. Most women are diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD etc… when in actuality all they have is a hormone imbalance due to menopause / early menopause. Simple Hormone Replacement Therapy can completely change a woman’s life for the better. I found a great women’s clinic that specializes in balancing women’s hormones and it changed everything. Before I figured out my physical and emotional symptoms were due to low estrogen due to menopause…I went to many doctors and none of them even mentioned this as a possible cause. I will say it again..our medical system is failing women! Spread the word to the women in your lives!
True, but if she's refusing to look into it that's on her, not her hormones. That's a show of character, not a victim
I'm a retired RN. I still do not understand how the endocrine system in our bodies is so misunderstood..... In fact, it is pretty much ignored. The irony is that it runs the whole organism.
Absolutely 💯
Our physical medical system fails woman the same way our mental medical system fails men. That said so many of us fail ourselves. Whats the best way to minimize hormonal issues or mental health issues for that matter? (You know naturally. Besides drugs and surgery.) Keeping a healthy weight and eating right. 80% of American woman are overweight or obese.
I cannot imagine hearing this and thinking “men are the problem here. Get this woman help21!”
When I adequately exercise I feel like a completely different person. Seriously, it's like I wake up the scared inner child who grew up with an alcoholic, neglectful, abusive mother, and change into the me who died when my father died and my mom started the drinking, the me I was supposed to be. It takes an hour of almost daily moderate to strenuous exercise, but my mind is clear...the depression and anxiety are gone, the irritability and anger, all gone. Eating healthy and time in nature certainly help as well. As a homeschool mom of 5, being in my right mind is obviously extremely important. I wish I had been more consistent through the years. I have a lot of regrets. My mother passing away also helped, sad to say.
My mother was a shrieking, selfish, self-absorbed narcissist.
I was the oldest of four, and I experienced the full brunt of my mother 's wrath.
She died unexpectedly at 67 years, and I have never mourned her death nor missed her in any way, shape, or form.
I only wish she would have left this earth much sooner.
I sighed a relief and said a prayer of thanks.
I am struggling with this right now. My daughter will be going to a small school next year because I need to work on healing because am literally at the end of my rope and I am in a situation where my healing is a threat to my husband's control so we will see how this plays out.
I wish exercise helped me. It makes me feel like I have a flu. Even after doing it regularly for over a year. Sucks.
My dad used to say, "I can't make you mad, you are choosing to be mad." And that always made me more mad because it's not true. But he was right in the sense that people can make you mad, but no one can make you act on that anger.
Radical acceptance.
My Dad was the one to take us to take us for ice cream and airplane watching when ever Mom would fly off the handle. Doctor never could find a answer for her behavior, so this happened all of her life, and unfortunately that meant a lot of ice cream and airplane days. I am happy he did what he could and helped me get other “moms” from church to help us out with the girl things and whenever he would need to leave on business trips he would drop us off at those families and we would have a great time.
It was broken, but a I so beyond thankful for my dad. These kids will see you as your super hero. Please Raymond. Be their hero.
Just listening from the start of the call he sounds absolutely exhausted and defeated. Thats what living with anxiety is like and I imagine what living with someone who has it is also like.
I was thinking the same thing about the husband: worn down and worn out. I have a friend with nearly out of control anxiety that has lately gotten worse. My friend is a magnet for anxiety and fear, finding new things to agonize over -- and most of my friend's anxiety and fear is from genuine, serious situations. It's exhausting to hear the same thing over and over for years, but if listening can provide some help then I will continue to listen.
This sounds like my now deceased mother. She would fly into outrageous rages, screaming and cussing at us for things we had done 5 yrs previously. All because she got mad at someone else. She would later say “I don’t know why I act like that”. But after a while we stopped listening to the apology because we knew it would just happen again. We begged her to get help but she always refused. She destroyed all the love I ever had for her. In fact, that loving relationship never developed. As an adult I honored my mother, took her out every week to lunch, and helped her when she developed dementia. But when she died, in a way, I was relieved. I no longer had to put up with her abuse. Right up until the week before she passed she was still telling me what a horrible person I was as I was wheeling her out to lunch, buying her whatever she wanted at the store. It never stopped. For those poor kid’s sake, he needs to take them and leave.
My mother is exactly the same. With newly diagnosed dementia. I honor her like you do but don’t like her very much. She is verbally abusive to me. I believe she has Borderline PD, and is a mild narcissist. Growing up with her was a nightmare.
You’re a better person than I would have been in that situation. I would have had nothing to do with my mother once I was an adult.
@@carebear927yea i’m in this situation and i don’t talk to that woman at all. i left as soon as i turned 20. i feel guilty sometimes for not being the forgiving daughter that these women are but i really just can’t. i have so much resentment, she was supposed to make me feel safe and she failed me. there’s no forgiving that in my book.
@@jozey555 so sorry
I'm sorry you endured that. No one ever has to though. I respect your decision to continue pouring love into her despite receiving nothing but abuse, and am in awe you were able to. It's perfectly acceptable to go no-contact with someone like that, if that's anyone's choice out there. God bless you all.
My angry wife would try to get me angry so she felt better about her anger. I stopped getting angry and it enraged her.
I'm really sorry you're going through that!
I really appreciate this episode. My Mom had an undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and my Dad always justified her, blaming everyone else for making her angry or doing anything that would make her tick (which was everything pretty much). She used to beat me and emotionally abuse me when my Dad wasn't home, until she died of cancer. He never stood up for us or seeked help for my Mom. I've forgiven both of them after a lot of hard work in therapy. Dads need to have these conversations, they need to take control when Mom is not up to it. And I'm glad he's doing what I wish my Dad would have done when I was little.
As someone who had a passive, excuse making, stand-by parent who didn't stand up and protect me as a child; it was really nice to hear delony's advice on this one. It took me until 27 to realize my "nice", "good" parent was actually an enabler and when I brought this up it was met with "well what did you want me to do?!" After 10+ years there is no regret, no reflection, nothing. It was very hurtful. Especially as a mother myself now to older kids. I would never treat my kids how I was treated. Have never. And I would never stand by and watch and not do something to protect my kids if my spouse was. It's disgusting.
I relate to this so hard. For so long I felt bad for my mom because she was being treated badly also. Then I realised I started yelling back at my dad before I even turned 10, because I couldn't stand him taking his frustration out on us! Why couldn't my mom stand up to him to protect us if I could do so as a kid? Even now she sometimes looks to me when my dad is rude to her. It shouldn't have been up to me, and of course I was often blamed for escalating the situation by not just letting my dad run his course lol.
@@eevee2411 oh yeah, I was blamed too. I was the difficult child, the problem, defiant, rebellious etc. "Nothing worked" on me. I wanted to retaliate for how I was treated. I wanted my dad to be punished for how he was acting. I didn't care about the consequences. Looking back I realize now I wasn't a bad kid. I was reacting to my environment. We shouldn't have felt the need to stand up and fight back or defend ourselves that young.
Oh man, my dad was very physically and emotionally abusive, and if we brought it up to my mom she would say "well, what do you expect me to do?" I hated her for this even though I grew up thinking she was the "nice" parent because she didn't rage at us.
And those enablers turn nasty themselves when you confront them!
@@j0yfulblessingsAre you kind of a justice person now?
I’ve dealt with anxiety for a good majority of my life but it was manageable. Last year my 19yr stepdaughter had last minute brain surgery and diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. I’ve been a caregiver to her and my four other kids, and the stress has elevated my anxiety and i battle with depression now. After one day i explode in front of my kids and after that I said “I need help bc my family do not deserve this!” I’m in therapy and now I’m taking meds for my anxiety and depression. Best decision ever!!! And with the guidance of my Lord Jesus my family is mending..We are human and we all struggle with different things and we can all use some help time to time.
What medications are you taking for your anxiety and depression?
Anxiety is fear. What are you afraid of
The Lord will use us in situations for us to shine a light in a dark world. He won't always remove the bad things in our life but He will always give us the opportunity to show others how a believer in Jesus Christ should shine. He gives us the strength and wisdom to move forward in difficult times.
no one deserves the brain cancer diagnosis, we had it in our family at age 21, basically no one wanted to step up and help, so my 60 something parents took care of her and me even though i had three small kids. People run when this happens....but you can get thru it. We did it with no other support--i wrote them all off when she died...and my parents and i did bounce back, it was a huge struggle. my other relatives were invisible so i cut them out.
I wish my mother had the ability to reflect like this. She never looked at her actions as wrong she justified every meltdown as the fault of external sources. I do not let her spend a moment alone with my children because I do not trust her. It has driven a huge wedge within my family. My mother cannot be trusted and my father is an enabler.
My mum has done this to me my whole life.
I am now in my 30s and can no longer take it. She really needs help and yet wont hear it and consistently yells at me and says that it is my fault
My dad’s crippling anxiety ruled our household growing up, and it got really bad during our most formative years. Instead of leaving him and breaking up the family, my mom decided to just keep us away from him as much as possible. She enrolled us in every possible after school activity that she could afford, drove us all one creation to have meetups with friends, etc. so we didn’t have to be at home much. For awhile, I resented her for alienating us from our dad. Now, seeing things through an adult lens, I can see she was trying desperately to protect us. One time she told me “I just couldn’t let you kids think his behavior was your fault!” We would have. Children internalize everything.
My best friends father is going thru that right now. His two grown daughters are asking him why he did not protect them from their mother.
This is the message/ talk that i needed when i was a new mom.
In the early years, i struggled to keep my cool. I would lose it and then cy because i was becoming my mother, and i wanted better for my kids. About 7 years ago, after a really bad explosion, I finally resolved to make a change. I asked my husband to keep me accountable and never cover for my bad behavior with the kids. I actively sought out podcasts, videos, and books to help me.
It breakes my heart that my older 2 kids had a completely different mom than the younger 2 got.
You are courageous for sharing this and seeking help. I'm wishing you and family all the best. ❤
Apologize to them. Sometimes that's all they want
Wow this sounds exactly like my story. I struggled for years with my older 2 and now they are 9 and 10 and my youngest two are 3 and 1. I’m a totally different mom now but every day is a challenge.
So amazing! What books or things did you listen to? I definitely need to read up on things.
Please have an open conversation about this with all your kids! We may often feel like we should hide our struggles from them, but truly they experience them more than we notice. Tell your older kids that you acknowledge you weren't there for them the same way you were there for your younger kids. Tell them you don't love them less, but you weren't capable back then. Tell them they're allowed to be upset about it and that it was never their fault. A lot of things are deeply felt by kids but remain undiscussed, causing them to feel like they're misunderstood or even wrong about what happened.
My worst nightmare. To hate the mother of my children or have children with this kind of person. This guy sounds broken.
He is broken 😢😢😢😢
Choosing the right person seems so hard nowadays.. (I’m 21 tho)
@@milana2020
I'm 55. My advice if I may is to go out with many different people to understand others and yourself. Hope that's ok advice.
@@chrislim7976 yes that’s okay. That’s honestly what I was hoping to do, but not in a sexual way. However I’ve noticed many my age don’t agree with this because they see it as having options open and liking multiple people at once
@@milana2020
Yes as I wrote that I was hoping it would not be interpreted as a lot of people in a sexual way; thanks for clarifying. You sound like what is called an "old soul" (that's a compliment btw)
I just found you today after one of your video shorts appeared on my feed.
It's all I can do to hold myself back from binge watching all your content in one sitting! I really appreciate your views on the videos I have watched thus far.
I love that you seem to have such logical, reasonable responses at the ready and how well they are articulated.
Thank you for saying the hard truth with kindness and compassion. I appreciate you sharing your knowledge and wisdom so freely.
Thank you.
Having a parent that stands up for you is invaluable. Thats what i lacked in my childhood. My mom never stood up for me when my dad was mad. I felt like i was better at standing up for myself and defending myself than my own mother was. Both of these parents really need help
Same story as me..now I have mental issues
She needs therapy and if she refused it again than he needs to leave. This is so messed up and her kids will follow her path. Someone needs to protect these children 😢
p.S. some people shouldn't have children. My childhood was also messed up in some ways because of trauma / alcoholism of my parents. And only therapy helped me. I have no kids and I think I should pass on it because I'm still not balanced enough, maybe never be.
People that go through trauma statistically tend to treat their children better because their main mantra is what happened to me I dont want that happen to my kids. I think it is usually the fear of being bad to kids that keep those kind of people away from having children. If you are in therapy and tyring to be better then try to have kids. Break the cycle instead of taking the easy way out. I used to think in my early 20s that I wont have kids because I dont want to pass my trauma onto my kids. But then I realized I never mistreated any kids I came across and always loved them and was super protective of them so my fear of not wanting to have kids because I will mess them up was not real.
If he leaves, then the kids will have to live with her without him there. That’s a worse scenario
She need an exorcist
Same situation as mine, alcoholic mother, taken into care so I was emotionally too immature to have children and never have had them now I'm nearly 60.
Parents that watch their children being abused by the other parent or any one else are complicit in the abuse. He needs to take those children and run. To every parent out there: Protect your children.
Run from loud noises? She’s not doing physical harm.
Don’t be so eager to be heroically righteous that you do even greater harm.
Yelling is the least of all abuses.
@@scratch57 From the mouth of an abuser. I won't go back and forth with your kind. Take your ways else where. Be well beloved.
Except he did it too. Lots of change needs to happen.
While there is a complicit element, many people shut down when this scenario happens because it’s so egregious that they don’t have a framework to respond correctly.
You can tell the Dr John gave the caller some information that was an epiphany for him. People don’t expect to be in an emotionally abusive relationship and sometimes need to be shaken out of it by a third party
@@neisci "anyone who disagrees with me is an abuser"
do you work at being sophomoric or does it come naturally?
He should put up cameras, record the incidences, take himself to counseling, and take the kids to counseling too.
After getting this established, then he can leave with them if she doesn't follow medical advice.
The family model will become their experience as childhood trauma, and haunt them for decades unless they get to see another model, or another way to live. Kids deserve peace, they deserve adults behaving like adults that protect them.
Some people don't get help because they don't think they're worth it, some people, like my mom, don't get help because they're just completely divorced from reality and don't have the ability to see that they have a problem
It is the same for my mother. I will pray for your emotional and mental health.
The father needs to get the kids out of this situation. I grew up with a mother like this. It was horrific. I can't explain how horrible it was growing up. I fled at 18 and built my life with my sister minus parents. I wish my father would have saved us from our mother.
I was raised in a house like this... except my mom's aggression and explosions also scared my dad. He also had so much trauma, so he would avoid. And my brother and I took it all, we were raised knowing we were responsible for mom's emotions. My older brother was my support system but nobody was his. Now my parents have been in therapy, so many things have changed for the better. But while I was still living with them to see that change, my brother escaped home at 17 and didn't live through that change. The family is slowly getting back together, but we are so broken. If mom and dad aren't safe... there's a loss that marks us for the rest of our lives.
My girl has anxiety if you are going to be living life with someone who has anxiety you need to do more than tell them to get help. You need to hold them and reassure them everything is ok. That does a really good job for us. My girl doesn’t just have anxiety either she has panic disorder which is worse. When she gets that way just hold her what she needs is your love. If you not about that life then it’s actually you that is the issue
@@EngageYourFrontalLobe she’s on a medication that seems to work well for her. When she feels a panic attack coming on she has gotten good at just vocalizing “hey I feel an attack coming on”, at which point the treatment is just arms around her make her feel safe. That approach really just makes everything go so much better. She may have an episode every two weeks at this point? But before when I wasn’t dealing with it in this way it was almost every day.
What he's describing is not just anxiety, it's also anger issues.
@saguna_brahman I love this I have CPTSD & panic disorder and i don't have "rage" I have fear and afterwards depression and shame my partner is always my rock and my safe space in those times and he was the one who supported me and encouraged me to be brave and speak with a therapist 😊 and even if it doesn't "fix" me I have the tools I need and the safety I need.
Amen amen amen!!!
If he has done this himself he NEVER EVER EVER has the right to plant the seed that this is SICKNESS. If just one of those kids grows up and raises their voice to their kids or someone they love, they may spiraling down the well..
Don't plant that seed in them. Tell them struggle. Or mom feels really strongly right now, let's give her some time... ESPECIALLY IF SHE IS ALREADY IN THERAPY TRYING TO GET HELP. Are you here to help or hinder?
@@leader_of_the_sleuth well we are both human beings so that means we both get frustrated and do have arguments. Voices do raise at times. It’s not always perfect but the main strategy is to just love her and reassure
This was so so so good to hear because I would stick up for my kids and catch so much crap my husband when I stood between them. Now I know what I did and felt was right, actually WAS.
I would put serious money she had BPD. The anxiety, the anger, mood swings, acting like a child herself and refusing to admit she needs help. These are all signs someone with bpd typically shows. Just listen to the caller, man is walking on eggshells to figure out how to not make things worse when around her, another very common sign. Unfortunately, the only thing that can happen to change anything, is she decides for the sake of herself and her family to seek serious help. And she has to be all in, can't be doing it "because the husband made her". I have experience loving someone with bpd, but she would not get the help she needed in order for me to be willing to stay in that relationship. It sucks, but something inside them fights the very thought of therapy unfortunately. The only one responsible for them getting help is themselves.
Your right. Absolutely right.
My ex had BPD plus other things like ADHD, depression, anxiety etc. It was the most difficult relationship I’ve ever been in even though I treated her so well. Eventually she devalued me and kicked me to the curb after flipping out about problems she caused herself but it was a repeating cycle about once a month up until that point. It’s the best thing that could happen and my life is peaceful now. I will never go through that again. 3 years of that is enough for me. If someone who has these problems and won’t seek therapy and counseling it’s a lost cause and it’ll never get better. If that’s what the wife’s caller has he needs to get out of the house and take his kids with him to make sure they’re safe until their mom gets to where she she’s safe to be around. If he doesn’t the kids are going to grow up with some big issues themselves.
@@jime19911 man I can relate to your experience very much. It's so difficult when you put so much of yourself into the relationship and helping them. Same here, I treated her so well but unless they are actively in treatment it's like walking through a field of land mines, just no winning and it's a never ending battle. Glad to hear you've been on the up since though, I'm in the process of pulling myself together after getting out of mine.
Labeling people is not helpful. The dsm is basically useless.
@@jime19911sounds like your ex had hormonal imbalance
My mom was like this. My ex was like this. It’s so hard. You love them so much. When they’re good, they’re unbelievably amazing, but when they’re bad, it’s a nightmare. The kids love that amazing person. You see that and don’t want to take that from them (this is the messed up thinking). The kids cling to that good part, they want that person, but they walk on eggshells. If the volatile person doesn’t get help, someone needs to step in. Sadly, most of the time no one does. I survived as a child by the adults who saw this and gave me a word of encouragement, who validated my experiences. I clung to those words. Later, as a parent. I pulled my kids out, but I had to slay my own dragons, too. This is hard. Really freaking hard. And the rest of your life with those kids can be hard. There has been extraordinary damage before you realize you can’t fix it yourself. I’m so sad for everyone who is going through this.
It sounds like you're a really strong person. You should be proud of yourself. Thank goodness for the adults here and there who saw and gave even a small amount of healthy perspective. As adults we often don't even realize the impact of those things on kids
Man......I needed to hear this today. I'm living this
I wish my dad took this advice and would explain that what my mom would say to me was wrong instead of enabling her while I was growing up and caused me to internalize all the emotional abuse. It’s nice to hear that this father sounds concerned and really wants to do what is right for his kids ❤
Even in the dysfunction these children love their mother and are probably protective of her when she isn't raging at them. Absolutely have Dr. John's recommended conversation with them and her at a time of calm. When the next rage starts, immediately take them out of range, go to the park, take a walk, ride bikes, keep swim gear in the car so that you can go to a neighborhood pool, etc., physical activity will help them expend energy and calm down their nervous system I would probably skip the ice cream "treat" since that can create a very unhealthy relationship with food especially foods with high sugar content which can also stimulate their already stressed nervous system. Dad is in therapy - involve the children so they learn it really isn't about them but about their mother's unwillingness to control herself.
My safe grown up was my piano teacher. She kept me sane.
My safe grown up was my ice skating coach, she was there for me with support & empathy amidst the emotional chaos I had at home
I'm so happy you had her.
Aw. I am glad. I hope you are okay now..
@@cookie_dough_hangover Thank you! I'm doing very well!
I’m glad you had someone you trusted honey ❤️
I have severe anxiety and severe ADHD , and I can tell you sir - that it’s not an excuse for being abusive. That’s HER personality. I would NEVER allow my kids to be my emotional punching bag. I would rather die. I’m medicated and I go to therapy once a week for the past six years so I can be the best me possible for my family. I think that you need to tell your wife to go to a psychiatrist for formal diagnosis because I wouldn’t be shocked if she had a personality disorder.
Put those kids first. I had a mother who didn’t get help, and it’s been a very difficult journey. Would also suggest putting your kids in therapy if it’s financially feasible.
I completely agree. This has NOTHING to do with anxiety. She's a spoiled, controlling brat that was never checked as a child for trying to intimidate other people into doing what she wants through bullying them. I lived with two people like this as a child and they basically tried to force everyone to accommodate them anytime they were unhappy when they'd never do that for anyone else.
I was about to ask: so what is the difference between anxiety and a personality disorder then? Because that is what I see. That is what I grew up with. Exactly that! And my dad did nothing either. I am old now and I have been affected all my life. I have undiagnosed but definite ADHD and an quite awkward with most people. If you learn you can't trust people you end up a bit weird.
Solidarity! 👍❤
I wish that Dr. John did not have to tell parents that it is not okay to allow their spouses to abuse their children. I wish that parents had the sense to put their children, who can't protect themselves, before their spouse. Those kids didn't ask to be here and they can't protect themselves.
Anxiety doesn’t mean you get to rage at your family.
Absolutely. You're still responsible for your actions no matter what.
Record record record! Get it on video! Then take it to the police and get an emergency custody order, then leave. Unfortunately as a man you need proof.
You need proof as anyone. Man or woman. It’s 2024.
@@Ciera_Banks right!
Hope this mom got the help she needed and I hope this dad was able to navigate this. It's hard when a loved one is dealing with mental illness.
He's being abused but no one is treating him like that. It's really disheartening. He's being attacked at home, of course he's loose his temper.
I totally agree. I imagined a women’s voice saying this and someone would have told them to leave that night and get a protective order.
John has told him to take his kids and leave if she doesn't change.
My mother went this way after I left the house. My younger siblings and dad dealt with this from about 2012 to 2015 real bad and then continued until around 2022. My siblings grew up and ofcourse left the house. After enough of the rollercoaster my dad divorced her. He told me about it and I said we're all grown up, do what you have to do, its not like you didnt try. To this day my mom doesnt understand what went wrong. At the end of the day, as I've listened to her over the years, I've come to realize, she lives in fear. Her thoughts have compiled into her nervous system, also throw in some hormonal changes. All the nastiness and other things that came out was her fear, and it manifested into other domains in her life that she has a very hard time controlling it. As for what can be controlled, dont live in fear, when left unchecked, it can steal your peace, and make you value things that you will waste time on so that you dont give your time to what you truly value.
Those children are walking on eggshells. Their sympathetic nervous system is in constant fight or flight. I grew up in a home with a mom like this. I was just as upset as my codependent dad when i started healing as I was with my mom. Felt he didn't protect us because he was afraid of her too. Sadly that constant adrenal gland pumping to protect causes lots of chronic illness. I then went into abusive marriages. Thought this was normal. Now in my 50s and have 3 autoimmune diseases from internalizing all the emotional turmoil. Get you kids out of there if your wife won't seek help.
I’m so sorry you went through this, thank you for sharing🤍🤍 I have a similar story. I’m 29 and have been sick my whole life. Just exhausted…I don’t know if you’ll see this or if you’re comfortable sharing, but may I ask what your 3 autoimmune disorders are? I’m currently sorting through medical BS and trying to advocate for myself and what tests to ask for. Thank you so much, I hope that your healing process is going as smoothly as possible💗
Im a private music teacher and Im happy to tell every one that many of my students' anxiety/ depression is helped with the lessons.
Voice/ instrumental lessons alleviate anxiety and empower people, especially young people. Ive seen it first hand. One young girl I have gets mute from anxiety ( called selective mutism) and she sings for me alone now.
And its cheaper than therapy/ medication a lot of the time.
The girls love confiding in me too.
Im a safe adult for them.
Thank you!!!
Umm...
As someone who came from an abusive household and was in private voice lessons for much of my upbringing, having a creative outlet definitely helps, however, lessons are NEVER a sufficient replacement for therapy. Especially considering private instructors can be really hurtful and lack boundaries in my experience. I agree with you that music can give kids confidence and instructors can be a great safe space for kids, but it’s not comparable to actual mental health treatment.
@@juderenee578I agree!
@@milehyandriveruummm is right girl!
After having two small kids, I didn’t know I wasn’t well. I knew I was depressed but that’s it. I didn’t realize all the yelling I was doing. My behavior was not okay. But no one said anything or was too afraid. It took me multiple visits to my stomach doctor to realize all of my pain and anger was I needed to be on medication. Lexapro saved my life. I’m not pushing Lexapro but I had no idea how out of control I was. My husband has no knowledge of mental health so he didn’t know what to do. How we are still married is beyond me. I have since take ownership of all the pain I caused to my family. And directly and indirectly to my kids.
When people feel out of control, they act out of control. In no way is this right, it just is.
It doesn't matter what he says to his kids. The unspoken message he is sending is that Mommy is in control.
EXACTLY
Sound like Borderline Personality Disorder. My mom had something like that. Complete Nightmare.
My ex had BPD plus other things like ADHD, depression, anxiety etc. It was the most difficult relationship I’ve ever been in even though I treated her so well. Eventually she devalued me and kicked me to the curb after flipping out about problems she caused herself but it was a repeating cycle about once a month up until that point. It’s the best thing that could happen and my life is peaceful now. I will never go through that again. 3 years of that is enough for me. If someone who has these problems and won’t seek therapy and counseling it’s a lost cause and it’ll never get better. If that’s what the wife’s caller has he needs to get out of the house and take his kids with him to make sure they’re safe until their mom gets to where she she’s safe to be around. If he doesn’t the kids are going to grow up with some big issues themselves.
@@jime19911 My ex was like that too. It was torture to be in a relationship with him. Hopefully he sought help and is managing his symptoms better now.
Was your father narcissistic?
@@m.935the pair of the century. They always end up together.
@@jime19911 I'm with one right now. She's so delusional and paranoid I'm thinking she has all of those along with Schizoaffective disorder. She has therapy but she thinks one of her therapist is one of her friends mom and they're both working together against her. She just went on new meds and she's been worse since then, not better. Everyone in her life has some other identity and go by another name.
Ugh my anxiety is affecting myself and my family too. I can usually stay pretty calm but there are times that I feel unheard and feel so angry that it’s like a big rush of adrenaline and I’m shaking and my hearts pounding. Sometimes it’s something that seems small to everyone else but it’s huge to me, like when they drip food and drinks down the front of the kitchen cupboards when I’ve told them over and over to clean up their spills. Sometimes I feel like their servant and feel very disrespected and after all these years its began triggering a fight or flight thing in me and making me feel crazy. I really just don’t have the patience to deal with people, especially my teenage kids, though I’ve never been physical with them but I do yell.
I looked to my dad hoping he’d tell my mom to stop belittling me. His eyes were typically frozen with inner pain, but he never said anything, because he didn’t want her to turn it towards him.
When there is one abusive person, any other adult valudating that and telling them it is not ok and that the person is crossig the line, is enough to help an child form a better understanding that they are separate from that behavior and prevents the child from internalizing. This is true even if the abuse continues. You let them know that the person is not ok. This is not about you, gives them glasses by which to see and to separate from that person's abuse.
I grew up with a mom like this. All I remember about my mother growing up is getting scolded and memories of her hitting us. Of course there are memories of her cooking us amazing meals but I don’t remember my mom sitting with me and talking to me about anything. She has a temper and she’s low on patience. I love her to death. But her constant hitting, scolding, and telling us that we weren’t good at something or something negative has haunted me and made building relationships with a partner so difficult for me because I have coping mechanisms, low confidence, easily succumb to codependency, and at the end of it all I’m just walking on eggshells making sure they are happy. That’s because that how I was taught a relationship worked to be liked you had to work for it. To be treated with patience and kindness you had to make no mistakes. I’m slowly working though this.
What would she tell you you weren't good at?
People who don't get treatment for their mental disorders shouldn't be raising children. They'll end up suffering from anxiety as well. I have anxiety disorder so I get very depressed or cry, but I don't yell at anyone, I just get upset and try to calm down.
I’m very sorry to hear about this issue of ‘anxiety’, it sounds like more than anxiety. She should not be allowed to verbally abuse your children. And I’m sorry to say it IS abuse. Dude you have one job, protect! Abused children often end up as abusers, the data is available for anyone to discover. Step in and stop the cycle. Your children’s future depends on it
I wish my parent got involved. Standing up for me or telling me its not right would have made the biggest difference.
Same 🎯
But I guess I get it, they don’t want to cause strife between each other. And don’t want to seem like they are parenting against one another..eh 😒
Recently out of a relationship where a women would say the meanest things to me during an argument. I’m glad to say I’m out now but if someone says they love u and talks to you that way, they don’t love u.
I couldn’t recognize my adhd and anxiety in myself but supported my husband and kids through their struggles with mental health. I eventually got help 6 yrs ago and our whole family has been thriving.
My exwife was the same. He needs to leave her and find better role models. I didnt leave because I was afraid of how she would treat them when I wasnt there. But Ive found its much better for them to be in a good home 50% of the time instead of a poor situation 100% of the time.
My kids now have an amazing women they see as a mother figure and they are soo much happier. They still love their mum and always will, but now they have a much better model of what life should be like.
I'm crying listening to this because this is exactly what's going on in my home...
“There will come a day that those children look at you and say why didn’t you protect us?”
This a thousand times over.
Speaking from experience, those children may resent dad more because he was the healthy one and he didn’t stand up for them in a meaningful way.
I used to think silence in the face of such wickedness was an act of self-restraint and sanctity; as I got older, I realized the silence I witness was mere cowardice.
And as for mom- i relate to her too. I struggle with horrible anxiety. It has been undiagnosed for my entire life, and I struggled so badly with postpartum rage. She needs help.
She may have a traumatic upbringing that she hasn’t dealt with, borderline personality disorder, out of whack hormones and undernourishment, or any combination of these things. She could also just be overwhelmed by the demands of daily life and need some practical support. All of these things should be explored if possible, but if she refuses to acknowledge how damaging her behavior is, it’s likely that she is borderline (which is often the result of childhood emotional abuse).
Anyway- such a sad situation. Praying for all the moms out there, the kids who struggle with emotionally stunted parents, and the spouses who often don’t know what to do and are heavily codependent.
If this father reads these comments I wants to tell him if he doesn't change he will be in my position now. I'm 56 and female. Went no contact with my dad four years ago due to his explosive rage. The past week is the first time in four years I haven't gotten a pit in my stomach when I tell someone I need more time to figure something out. FOUR YEARS.
He needs to man up and take his kids out of this situation until she agrees to get help.
Yah am sure that will go over well with the police.
Bro there's a truth that's rough
...I don't think that's how custody works😅
This dad sounds like he has given up. Not to put this father down but WE have a MAN problem in America. COWBOY UP and take your children out of this situation. Yelling at kids only makes them terrified, and they feel unloved. Kids take the blame every single time.
This guy is doing everything he can to avoid divorce. She will likely misbehave in a divorce, causing him to lose everything. "Man up" is not a plausible thing to say in this modern day environment with our divorce and domestic laws
It doesn’t even mean your not PRO spouse over kids. It’s your just PRO protecting innocent bystanders
It’s can be crippling. I wish more was understood. For all of our sakes. I wish many of these could have both sides of the coin. I hope this family finds healing. 😔 🕊️
This is great advice. Add adults who are safe and sturdy into your children’s lives.
The correct term is ABUSIVE.
You have nice eyes.
Thank you for telling him his kids need relationships with safe adults. I grew up staying with my friends’ families. Sometimes I’d have “sleepovers” for weeks at a time, then be shuffled off to the next house. The parents who welcomed me into their houses, cared for me like their own kids, saved my life.
My mom is like this. I went no contact and still have issues.
I was a yeller when my kids were young. Being a stay at home mom was really stressful. I felt super guilty about it until someone gave me the grace to see I wasn’t alone, and that there were ways to work on it. Why is this mom yelling and stressed out? Mine was a heaping combo of growing up with a very demanding controlling mother and alcoholic father, having two young children to care for (one whom I regularly had to save from hurting or killing himself because he had zero sense), and a husband who did jack all as far as cleaning up the house and actually parenting the children. I hated becoming irate and even had panic attacks (I was also suffering from the covert narcisstic abuse from the husband), with intrusive thoughts. This wasn’t run of the mill anxiety. This was a coping mechanism from a lifetime of past and current abuse. I started going to Al-anon when my first born was just 4 months old. He’s now 16. I can’t fix what my coping mechanisms did. But I hope my kids can see how much I have worked on it so I can have better self control and that I love them very much. 😢
My question is, when do you decide to walk away? Its been 15yrs for me and I am ready to go since it's only gotten worse
When the pain is so bad you say I cannot live with you anymore. That's what I said after 18 years.
@@Angela-tt5ik I don't understand anxiety at all. But the fits, nit picking and so many things that set her off are very difficult to deal with
I have ADHD and one thing I make sure to do is apologize to my little guy afterwards. It helps him realize I’m human as well and that I’m going to mess up. I also need alone time in order to recharge and calm the overstimulation down.Doing that has made our home a safe space and helped my son learn empathy.
I'd like to share that I suffered with the most savagely extreme anxiety to wear the point I would pass out behind the steering wheel and I would only get about 40 seconds from onset to maximum Panic, for many years they had me on benzo and during the pandemic I didn't want to feel like a zombie so along with my Doctor I got off of them. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was down there 45 so I started taking adderall and I've never had a panic attack since
Did your legs feel like jello when you had those panic attacks, like they just going to give out?
Do not exasperate your kids or your wife, NEVER. It leads to a seared conscience and nothing will stick, it makes it worse.
My crazy ex has bipolar too. I jumped ship with no regrets.
Woooo this one hurt me. When he said one day your children will ask you why you didn’t protect them 😭 this is how it feels for me. My dad has passed and I still try to forgive him for not protecting us from our mother’s outbursts and violence & dysfunction.
Your situation is the same as mine was-I couldn't grieve for my dad for years because of resentment; I literally felt nothing & even lost my memories of him. Years later I started writing which helped me articulate & process my feelings. Once I gained some clarity, I realized that my dad did the best he could with what he had; he wanted to divorce her but knew the abuse would escalate if he wasn't in the home. I accepted that the best he could do to protect us was not divorce her. It was then that I was able to forgive him, remember him and finally grieve for him. The worst thing was realizing how terrible it must've been for him knowing his wife was a monster and his kids had no respect for him. The guilt of wondering if he ever knew I loved him & guilt for my disrespect towards him tortured me, so I prayed that God would heal that. God sent my dad to me in a dream one night and I told him how much I loved him. My dad told me he knew I loved him and that he loved me. That was the healing I needed. If God healed me then He can heal you too. Ask Him to help you forgive you dad & heal your heart. It'll set you free once He does that for you and you deserve that. I wish you the best on your healing journey.
This father needs his own help.
He said he's in therapy...
Shes definitely the wife of the caller trying to be sneaky 😂
Some people need to step up to the plate as the more supposed sane parent and protect the children. Stop parenting the adult in your situation and save your childrens mental and emotional health.
If this was a woman caller, John’s first question would have been “are you safe”? This man need to remove himself and kids from this situation. If a man were doing the things she’s doing, it would be considered abusive and unacceptable. She needs to grow up.
He probably would have asked but then he found out the guy was also emotionally abusing his kids so… he shifted the call into helping him control his behavior!
WHY would his first question to anyone calling about anxiety be “are you safe”? I think you’re confusing the women who have called initially about their husbands anger with ppl who call about their spouses anxiety. You have to be careful about making blanket statements or implications, I’ve heard him ask several men if they were safe. Given that most women with anger issues express it psychologically rather than physically due to the physical disparity, it would be understandable why he wouldn’t ask men if they’re physically safe as often as he asks women. Ppl love to cherry pick and accuse him of handling things differently, but they never list any examples of actual calls. I find that interesting.
Sounds like it might even be beyond anxiety / ADHD. Get help now for self and kids before it wrecks their nervous systems and your life.
My mother was like that. She would always scream at the top of her lungs, and she had a very loud voice. When I was young, like five years old, I would shake or go under my bed because it was so scary. as I got older. I stopped hearing her, even though she was still doing it. I would just stay silent and ignore it. I became numb to everything. Talking to her, never made a difference. Telling her to stop never worked. It was not necessary for our father to say what she’s doing is wrong. We all knew it was bad She never changed. The only thing that worked was leaving and blocking her phone. People who scream do it for controlling others. They will not give that power up.
Screaming can often be a cry for help...... A helluva way to do that, though. My life was like that.... Mum was alone & yelled a lot...and I did too. I had serious PPD that was undiagnosed at the time. Hopefully my kids have forgiven me.... I'm VERY lucky & blessed 💞
“Whatever else you’ve googled” is so Lowkey rude ahhahaha
Yeah
It's very dismissive. Very rude behavior.
A post-secondary education in psychology is barely a step up from a google search which is what makes this comment so belligerent.
Nah, everyone i know is throwing around diagnoses, often as insults or weapons.
She has BPD, he's on the spectrum, she's got anxiety, he's bipolar, i'm adhd, yada yada.
A therapist is trained to ID and work with these things.
@@pejisan if therapists were paid based on results they would all be broke.
No it’s not it’s very common for people to google excuses for their partners abusive behavior which is clearly the situation here, making some self diagnosis for your partner doesn’t excuse their abuse
another lesson to folks out there looking for marriage. Please vet your men or women carefully before marriage. I never say not to marry people with mental illness or problems like this but know what you're getting yourself into
My step father was the same, it was a scary time in my life…my mom would just sit on the side lines and after would tell me, I’ll make it up to you when he goes to work and I resent my mother for that.
There is so much help available nowadays. There's no excuses anymore for making everyone around you miserable!
I ended my 2.5year relationship for the same reasons. My ex has adhd but he was very reactive. You end up walking on eggshells. He was diagnosed as a child but refused to go on medication or therapy. It's such a shame as on paper we should have been golden. So I feel for the caller especially as children are involved.
Please tell me more, this is my husband, except he controlled himself before marriage. Now he choses not to. What made him reactive? What did he do?
@RoseKnowss That is common because they hyperfocus on people or things. So in the beginning you feel like you've met your soul mate. They seem almost perfect. Then when the hyperfocus shifts to something else you're left feeling alone. It lasted 2 years for us. Then he became hyperfocussed on work and so had tunnel vision.
He would talk to me aggressively and it could be over anything. Very Jeckyl and Hyde. Lovely one minute agressive the next. When I brought it up he said he wouldnt do it again and yet he did time and time again. Swearing, growling being angry. I know he had previously punched holes in walls before we met and I heard him once on the phone punching the headboard on his bed.
Then he started the silent treatment which went on for weeks. Always me ringing him.he would promise he would change but never did. He would tell silly lies quite often. Then later on would blame me for things like I shouldn't have brought something up or I made him mad etc etc
He just went stone cold silent all because I asked him not to talk aggressively or go silent on me because it hurt me. He liked to avoid things.
I would say to you the best thing I did was join adhd_partners sub on reddit.
So many partners experience the same types of behaviour from their adhd partner. It can be lonely so its great to talk to people who understand.
My ex asked me so many times to move in with him from early on into our relationship but having been divorced I wanted to wait and I'm glad I did because a common theme seems to be that If you move in or get married they can change and you end up feeling lonely and walking on eggshells.
They always say in the group that the adhd partner needs to be on meds and have therapy too for there to be a chance of things getting better....mine point blank refused. Having said that there are partners on there who have a adhd partner on meds and its still the same. People end up in a parental role.
I'm not saying its the same for everyone but the above seems to be common and just what I personally experienced. He was also quite selfish and everything had to be about him. I did question whether there was some narcassim also at play but I don't know.
If you are struggling please don't struggle alone. I know what it's like and there are places where we can talk like that sub on reddit.
@@rosewest5168 why does ADHD sound exactly like BPD?
@carrionflowers6764 I think because both involve outbursts and they can't regulate emotions so that leads to the outbursts. Also both fear rejection so if they perceive something as rejection even if it isn't that will trigger them.
@@carrionflowers6764 replied above
Well, that's lovely. I've been telling my husband to pack up our kids and leave for their sake and he feels too bad for me. I tried therapy multiple times, I tried doing labs. Nothing is wrong with me, I am just a terrible person. I am sending this to my husband right now. Hopefully this time I will finally find strength to die because nothing is helping me and I am ruining the lives of people I love. Thank you for this episode.
This show keeps me happy lol
Me too. I’m pathetic
This really hit home for me. I regret not taking my kids and leaving my abusive husband when I filed for divorce. That would've been the best way for me to protect them. Instead, I filed and we ended up living in the same house for over a year while waiting for the court, and he got violent, started fights with me constantly, manipulated our kids, screwed with their heads, one of them ended up in a psychiatric hospital twice. This is one of my biggest regrets. If your kids are in this type of situation where you've tried everything and the other person continues their hurtful behavior, I strongly encourage you to to please take them and walk away for their protection and your mental health. This is not healthy. John handled this conversation beautifully.
Write a letter to them and TELL them that. They need to hear it. You need to apologize to them for not protecting them, ask for their forgiveness and tell them that you love them. They deserve all of that, ma'am.
Pff if i had said to my mum that she was sick or my father did, she would have reacted even worse. A nightmare
Doesn't sound like anxiety when the mom is yelling at the kids, but anger and abuse. Dr. John is so right, dad need to really set limits and protect the kids, and then confront the mom privately about her anger and behaviour. Then insist she get therapy and possibly medication.
One great thing that happens once the yelling stops is you get actual peace in the house. Cause no one’s on level ten all the time. And if you do have to yell for whatever reason. Usually it’s something that can hurt them. They actually listen cause it’s something they never hear. It becomes a warning. Not a way of life.
I’m losing my mind at how long it takes this guy to answer questions!!!! About to make me have to call in for help lol
I feel the same way. Just SPEAK FFS. Communication is key.
Yeah. She definitely wears the pants. He’s a beta pansy. 👎🏾
@@flipdiva0007grow up
Great advice but I’m not sure I’d use the word “sick” to 8 and 10 year old kids. Maybe say “Mom is having a tough time and it isn’t your fault”. Using the word “sick” might be confusing. Kids at that age won’t have to ability to understand what mentally sick means. Just my two cents. ✌🏻
I agree
My husbands mother hung herself from a fan when he was 3 years old. He thought most of his childhood his mom was just sick, like cancer or something. Nope, it randomly came out that “that was the fan and it’s still broken and there because grandpa wouldn’t remove it”
@@RoseKnowssomg how sad!
I think sick is the perfect way to describe mental illness. Especially depression.
@@TinyRanter I agree but not to small children. They won’t understand what that means.
I hope the caller understands how powerful his apologies likely are for his kids after years of verbal abuse.
Don't underestimate how dangerous a woman can be
and the pride and rebranding they have started taking 🫤
I have adhd, anxiety, and lots of childhood trauma. Having a kid made my issues really set and centre, even though i have always been working on becoming a more grounded person. Losing my cool around my son was unacceptable. I temporarily went on medication, got diagnosed with a hormonal issue and treated that, went to therapy i struggled to afford, started an exercise routine ive stuck to for 2 years, and worked on my diet. My sleep could use some work, but overall, i can now handle even hugely stressful and unfair events, small day tonday is nothing.
All this to say, its not acceptable. If she wanted to be a better mom for her kids, she would.
The compassion in this call and the efforts to try to be better are so commendable and beautiful
This was such a great show!!!
Is this anxiety or is this some sort of BPD? hormonal issues? Why does this happen to so many mothers?
Many of us have health issues that we did not ask for or can not control. I have had a number of health issues over the years and have been working almost full time to get better but so much is not in my control. My husband now has ADHD, cognitive decline as well and worsening mobility issues. It has changed our entire life and pretty much disables our marriage and out life. But I do know he cannot control his health. I remind myself that I took my vows in sickness and health and I just do the best I can every day. Yes, I am angry, yes I am disappointed and I am sad at how our life has turned out but we do not always get to chose how we age. My husband will not seek treatment for his ADHD or to heal our marriage but I have had to take care of my health in any way I can and let him take care of his.