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Do People Hate Me Because I'm Socially Anxious?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 ม.ค. 2019
- Do you worry that people won't like you because you have social anxiety?
This is a very common concern. People with social anxiety are less well liked. But it's not because the anxiety itself is seen and judged. People are disliked because of HOW they deal with their anxiety.
In this video, I'll talk about the specific behaviors that cause problems, and what you can do to change these and reduce your anxiety.
If you are interested, you can get a lot more in-depth information on these techniques in my new social anxiety book here: geni.us/DatingWithoutFear
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MY BOOK
Out now: geni.us/DatingWithoutFear
ONLINE GROUP THERAPY
I’m co-leading an online self-compassion group with Marianne Stout, PhD. Open to TX residents.
www.anxietyaustin.com/groups/...
I'm Thomas Smithyman. I'm a clinical psychologist and I specialize in treating social anxiety. I reference the core treatment ideas that will help reduce social anxiety over time. You can find me at www.thomassmithyman.com and the Anxious in Austin Podcast.
I hope you like it. Just let me know if there are any other social anxiety topics you'd like to hear about.
As someone with social anxiety, people seemed either nervous around me, bored by me, uninterested in me, or annoyed by me- which makes me more anxious around them and I start acting weird around them cause their acting weird and uncomfortable around me and its just a huge cycle. God save us.
Yea I hate seeing people feeling uncomfortable around me because I'm weird and awkward and nervous. It really exacerbates it a lot
Well what do you expect? People tend to give out what they recieve. If you're being uncomfortable for what they perceive to be no reason at all, then they will be too. They don't know you have this anxiety, they just see an anxious person. SAD is treatable. So unless you do something about it or luckily run into those few outgoing people who will look past your awkwardness, then you'll never have normal interactions and that's no one's fault but YOUR OWN.
@@jaysonfigueroa6075 not if you have a resting bitch face they assume you're mean when you're not
@@jaysonfigueroa6075 no need to be a dick, Jayson
@@jaysonfigueroa6075 Sorry, but this is an unhelpful comment. You're just telling people what they already know but doing it in a way that can make people feel worse.
I attended a wedding last night and ducked out without saying goodbye to anyone because I had hit my socializing threshold. I danced and talked with others, but after 90% of the interactions, I thought, "They don't like me. Why can't I just be normal?" I'm 44 years old, and it felt like nothing had changed since high school - like I'd always be the unpopular kid on the outside looking in. Now that I watch this video, I think that maybe I was using these protective measures, and people were reacting to those behaviors. I want to be more social and to expand my circle, so facing this fear of rejection is key. Thanks for the video. What an eye-opener!
I would be very careful about following this advice. Maybe people don’t respond positively to the protective maneuvers but the thing is, if someone is anxious sometimes all you can do is wait for it to pass. And if that means not talking as much then that’s what you need to do. I personally do that because forcing my Self to talk, unless I absolutely have to, does make things worse. I actually think it’s some thing wrong with the world we live in. The horrible assumptions people make about people are really quite disturbing. I’m actually pretty warm and friendly once I feel acclimated to an environment. People seem to not want to give you the time to be acclimated.
@@ajohns343 take it down a notch Joel Osteen!!! You don’t come at people with that stuff when you don’t know anything about them. I’m talking about days where the panic is so bad that forcing yourself to talk really just makes things worse and it’s like just do the best you can. I’m not talking about avoiding people all the time. Don’t really appreciate the assuming and contributing to the mindset that if you’ve had a bad day, then people don’t wanna talk to you. Yes there is such a thing as getting f’ing acclimated. None of that implies being silent forever. In case you couldn’t tell yes, I’m annoyed by your comment, more than just a little bit.
Unfortunately waiting in the corner while it passes creates two problems 1) it’s safety behaviour 2) while you wait for anxiety to go down you get even more anxious. The only solution I could think of would be find first person to speak to and ask questions
@@Mrbrowncanmoocanyou no. And safety behavior is not a bad thing. Trust me, it was much worse when I forced myself to push through unless I was at my job and didn’t really have the option at the time. Really not cool with people making general statements about what should work for everybody and implying that people won’t like you if you do that.
safety behaviours are literally the reason why you're having a social anxiety in the first place@@joan5582
Absopositively yes!! 😊😊😊😊it's really fun forming no connections with anyone because you're constantly psyched out by irrational fears 😊😊😊😊😊😊
So the reason why 'people hate me' is not because of me personally but because of those protective sorts of behaviors. Fascinating, thank you!
Also just putting this for my own notes really: I suppose that I might not want to ask questions in a social context about the other person because if I messed up and the conversation goes downhill then or fizzles out then it'd sort of show some lack or failing on my part; 'extra conversation', more opportunities to mess up.
Pretending you are social when you are not it’s not always the answer. Take it from someone who spent 3 days on a forced retreat for work it was a nightmare and people were not reacting positively (or at least the mechanism of risking rejection and trust the process was not sustainable for a long time). I suggest to try this gradually and in a relatively safe environment before testing on important occasions - work/life important events.
This was sooooo enlightening. Thank you so much. You might have just changed my life.
This makes sense!
Either I don't get what these protective behaviours are that I must be exhibiting or maybe I'm not exhibiting them but people still dislike me. I make eye contact, and ask questions yet I can tell they just want to get outta there. It's not impossible that a person is just fairly unlikable.
This was the video I was expecting to listen bcz no one was talking about it
Blushing is the real problem
Well actually eye contact is he real problem
@@probot277 No,eye contact is easier,when my face turns purple because of embarrassment and low self esteem it is crippling to my confidence.
I’ll be honest, this video was hard to watch. It isn’t easy coming to accept that you may be less liked than you had hoped, but it pushed me to be myself and it was like experiencing an entirely different reality. Things that I’ve learned: just say what you think. Join in when you want. Don’t worry about feeling as though you’re intruding - everyone is talking! The whole reason we feel nervous is because we know this isn’t the ideal situation, so the anxiety actually goes away after a while of pushing past your boundaries, being yourself and realising there’s no danger. It can be scary and easy to want to give up. But people ARENT scary. They would probably be happy to know you. 🤍
everything hes said in this video makes sense and confirms what other have told me in the past. its been 4 months since you commented this and i have to ask - how much of your life has changed and what have you implemented since hearing what hes had to say? i ask because im contemplating whether its worth putting myself through these social challenges to overcome my social anxiety, or if i should just go down the medication route.
thank you.
@@crimpthe3rd we are in the same boat
@@crimpthe3rd Hi :) honestly, my life has changed a lot and I'm really happy. I would say that this video is the main thing that triggered me to put change into action. I began by "experimenting" (as the man in the video says): if I was in a group setting, where ordinarily I just would not speak, I would say what I wanted to say. It took a lot of courage, you do get nervous before you do it, but hey, it turned out really well! I'm now way more intergrated and I feel much more comfortable.
I'm also significantly lucky to have supportive friends who spoke to me about this issue, and I got a fair amount of reassurance from them. I had no idea how much I was valued until I had a bad night and one of my friends spoke to me (this was after I started speaking more). I also accidentally insulted one of my friends by saying that I didn't know them that well at a certain point, to which he said "I thought we WERE... [friends]" (at that point). Chances are, you have some very good traits, but nobody around you is aware of them because you keep to yourself so much.
So essentially in my case, I began "experimenting" and speaking more, and each time I did so, I got way more confident and now I'm a pretty different person. It was recieved well and people who've noticed have said they're happy for me. And it feels so good to be more free and more myself and more known for who I am. I'm not 100% of the way there, I do fall into quietness sometimes, but even during those times, I know deep down that it's "just" social anxiety and it's something I've pushed through before and have the strength to do so again. I'm not cured, but I'm hopeful, and I'm doing better.
As someone who has been in absoloute misery because of this and how it can make you view yourself (which can become a vicious cycle as well), PLEASE give this a try. I don't want to think of another person being in that position. You CAN get out of it, or at least improve your situation, and all it takes is getting over that bit of nervousness before you speak.
And worst case scenario, it lands negatively - that might just mean you haven't found your people yet. You have two choices: feel safe but miserable indefinitely, or scared but have a chance of improving your life for the better :)
If you have any more questions please let me know, I'm happy to talk to you.
@@bethanywright4167 Experimenting is an interesting way to put it. I'm going to try applying that in my life now, thank you!!
@@crimpthe3rd Best of luck to you, you can do it 🤎