What is Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ส.ค. 2024
- In this video Darren Magee discusses the term 'Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome' and outlines six symptoms that may be present to identify it. This video focuses solely on a relationship where one person has strong narcissistic personality traits, the other doesn't and has ended the relationship. These symptoms can appear during the relationship, but this video focuses on then unspoken reality of narcissistic abuse, life after narcissistic abuse and recovery being a journey.
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#NarcissisticAbuseSyndrome #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth
This is another video I’d made a while back, had a go at trying to improve the sound so hopefully it’ll be easier to hear
Darren, Thanks so much for this video and channel.
I think your channel and useful info will reach more victims if you:
A) Share and post your higher educational experiences and professional experiences on YOUR Linkedin, TH-cam, Twitter, and on all of your social media pages and your websites.
I had to deeply search to find if you were legit or not - AND I could not find this important info on your alleged LinkedIn site. (It only mentions your HIGH SCHOOL graduation(!)
Darren has a Diploma of Higher Education in Counselling from the University of Ulster and has many years experience working with individuals, families and groups. He has experience of working with issues such as trauma, chronic illness, addiction, obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, anger, anxiety, relationship issues and bereavement. Darren is also an associate mediator with Mediation NI and has experience mediating community, church and family disputes. Darren is co-author of the book, ‘When it’s Him’, and is a member of the Northern Ireland Counselling Forum.
Maybe I should update things a bit
Rumination; There was a point even now as the wound is still fresh where I would replay our entire relationship over and over because ONCE YOU KNOW YOU GO. You will quickly find out that you never knew this person. They mirror everything you wanted a chameleon…
Avoidance; my avoidance is more so in the form of isolating myself because the few people I did reach out to (the narcs twin sister) just minimized or flat out didn’t believe me. While Simultaneously my ex was smearing me…
Isolation; once she could no longer control me she disengaged or discarded me… then she warped everyone’s perception of me while using the courts to have my kids taken and remove me from the house
Boundaries; I can tell you right now mine are going to be too rigid because I refuse to ever let another person treat me the way my ex did. First red flag I will call them out repeated maladaptive behaviors and I will just remove you from my life. Keep that toxic shit to yourself
Return to the abuser; even after my ex falsely accused me of domestic violence and child abuse… there has been times when I thought about getting back with her… but it will quickly dissipate when I remember I have not even been able to text or call my sons in 6 months she stole 100k from our accounts and she has tried to have me arrested multiple times. I can honestly say now F*** her
Anxiety and depression; where do I even begin the discovery of her affair almost cost me my life in a botched suicide attempt. The anxiety I deal with on a daily basis is going shave years of my life… the shame is indescribable I’ll oscillate between shame embarrassment and rage resentment righteous indignation to revenge to homicidal ideation…
I love your channel Darren it was actually your video what does a covert narcissistic wife look like that opened my eyes and began the decoupling of the chains
I have a question about narcissism and sexual behaviour. My daughter's ex (for now) has inconsistent sexual behaviour. For instance he randomly would state he was pan sexual, then bi sexual, then homosexual, then back to heterosexual again. He would demand that my daughter comply with his requests.. sending her porn, wanting sex in public, having sex with another in front of her. Calling her a prude. Guilt tripping her for sex, not wearing protection etc. She was totally uncomfortable with this...
My pardon. The question is: is this behaviour common in narcissists ??
7)shock that you let your boundaries down to someone like that and that people like that actually walk among us
1. Ruminating over what happened , reliving the events, 2. avoidance , 3. hyper-vigilance , on watch for the narc’s Agents 4.Poor boundaries
5. Self-doubt, should they get back w/ the abuser ? 6. Sense of anxiety and depression, internalized anger , self-blame & self-condemnation.
totall agree, I have this all the time
I only experience the first three, and that's bad enough.
This shit just hit me really hard!
It really describes the girl I was in a relationship that I met online 12 years ago, and that relationship ended recently because my stress tolerance from many variables (work life stress and pandemic and social stress) made me freak out towards her and triggered her one too many times on occasion, and so she calls it off. To be fair, she was losing interest way before that.
Childhood abuse, gaslighting, doubting, family coercion, etc. Will really twist the person you met at first, and make them different than what they are today.
Especially if they escaped such a environment, tried changing themselves, but kept the bad habits of their abuser (mother) as a part of her, and have multiple 'bad' events happen in the course of her life that from a outsider's point of view, she's pitiful, but she triggers and reacts to that idea of you looking down on her being condescending.
It is pretty bad though if you had to deal with a person for so long, mainly online, that you forget about the past incidents and accidentally slip up again, but also can't be there for them or to meet them, because they don't want to meet, or makes a near impossible goal of forcing you to 'wait' until her dad moves out of the house while dealing with trauma and issues on a monthly basis that causes her to require someone to supervise her. For her, you have 1-2 extra chances until you are out, and apparently she had dated other guys before and to no success, because of said problems, I was just the longest (3rd wheel) in the background.
To be fair, her form of 'dating' differs from normal people's point of view, I met her online in a video game after a incident of being catfished by a male player pretending to be a girl for a long period of time and was conversing publicly to another player and she saw the text message. She dated people in real life a few times before strictly 'dating' online in games as a form of attention seeking and such, only to 'feel betrayed' each time because players sees it as just that, a game. I was probably the longest and most loyal relationship that is not at a official dating level of relationship, but having some trust and respect for one another (essentially close friends, short of a partner).
I think I got the closure, but it still makes me concern having the knowledge of someone like her is going through life with her grasp on stability crumbling away bit by bit. She acts like nothing is wrong but I can see through her facade. I have no more contacts with her now, and she definitely don't want any from me (probably painful for her to have any with me).
I experienced this with my bf’s SIL and all the family and friends she turned against us
There is no cure for narcissism. These people cannot even be treated by a professional successfully because they’re incapable of being truthful with anyone. In my experience it is best to avoid this personality type at all costs, it only ends with pain and confusion.
Yup. Give in our get out, there are no other choices.
Yup. 👍
They even lie to themselves
What a loser man
Yes! And if you react or confront them with something they wrote in an email to you, that's when they lash out and start the blame game and the name-calling, telling you it's YOUR fault for misunderstanding, instead of calmly just explaining better and further what they meant. They then become overly dramatic, they say how sad this all is, that you are no longer their friend, and they dump you! Until they come back. But they never take responsibility for ANYTHING.
Without even being in a romantic relationship, there IS one thing worse than being friends with a narcissist. It's being friends with a narcissist who thinks about and cries about, and talks about his deceased wife 24/7, who died five years ago. Who also has a temper and OCD (the cleaning AND the checking type - most OCD-ers have one or the other.) He has taken up a lot of my time ..... but, NO MORE!
@@galaxy98765 I would urge caution... Unless he is cheating...I doubt very much he is actual narcissist. Does he have Female friends ? If so he definitely cheating on you .
Everything you describe is spot on. Thank you for validating the survivors of narcissistic abuse. Growing up with a narcissistic father, this abuse was 'normal' and I'm still amazed that this is not how everyone experiences life. So happy to have found your channel.
This is the story of my life too, I'm so sorry this happened to you, my life is in shambles and has been for 37 years now, and I don't know what to do. I hate my life and I feel like I lost most of my life.
Ditto!! Same here. Growing up with a highly narcissistic father AND A HYPOCHONDRIAC MOTHER didn't make for a happy or safe childhood. It was constant chaos.
Yes. Going through literally all of these right now, along with a deep sense of grief. So much deep hurt and pain. Although, I feel hurt and confusion and pain over how I was treated, I don't feel angry with them. And a feeling that I actually can't tell anyone what I've been through because it's so terrible they'd likely think I'm crazy. I'm a SURVIVOR but I haven't anyone to fully trust with my secrets. It's lonely.
Same. For the record, I believe you.
Me, too, Ally. I believe you, too.
You're NOT alone. There are other of us out there. I hope you are ok. And yes, it is lonely, but remember you are NOT alone.
Thanks for the support. Thanks for the reminder. I'm not alone, although it would be great if others weren't also going through something similar. It's sort of like an unspoken taboo subject in some ways. It's what makes it so insidious.
Me too I believe you
Both of my parents show narcissistic trait. One is overt the other covert. It's a near constant beratement of each other, playing victim... To each, everyone else's pain is not comparable but they use it differently. I stopped sharing anything a long time ago, I've been lashed out at, mocked, made to feel my struggles are nothing, one uped, gaslighted for so long that I only know anxiety and depression brought on by the toxic environment. I don't wish this on anyone...
You're not alone out there. Find the little lights out there and keep them close.
The sound is great, thank you! The anxiety is the most difficult symptom to overcome for me. Everyday problems can seem a lot more frightening than they should; still, I'm way better than before.
Change your diet
It actually helps
I know I did it and life changed
We are what we eat
🤺👀
Be very proud ! It’s great that days are better than before and you can recognize the difference, that’s huge , be proud ! 👍🏻
I didn't know until a few years ago that the long life I've lived was spent being raised by, dating, and finally marrying a narcissist. They were all narcissists. I had Grandparents and other relatives who were the spots of kindness I craved. It all makes sense now. I feel like my life has been wasted by being controlled by these monsters. What you said about how the abuse affects us as adults was so helpful. I've had some therapy, but need more when I can afford it. It would be nice to not ruminate so much, to be happier and more outgoing. That's the direction I'll head toward. Thank you for putting out these videos. It's helpful to know that someone out there can SEE them for what they are.
Sorry to hear this I no how awful it is, I ve ongoing trouble abuse death threats by narsasistic person, who has recently turned my of my new neighbours on me, just when I thought I was going to settle down. They make you feel like it's going to make you look paranoid if you say anything
Pure evil, it's time some thing was done about thess sad people eith knothing better to do but drag others down. Now I'm going to seek legal help because of how far he's taken this. They need jail. Pure evil & aware of whT they do.
It sucks because being raised by narcissist makes you vulnerable to them in relationships later on. And because you've been exposed to so many of them people will typically gaslight you and say "that's what you say about everyone."
@@sharonletchford9375 truly they are obsessive sick creepers. I saw a video recently of a 13 yr old girl in SoCal that got stabbed because a bully was obsessing over something that wasn't even real. And I've experienced much of the same thing with slander keep track of it. Collect any evidence you can and try to file a restraining order. Try to talk to your neighbors.
They say people who are raised my narcissist usually end up with a narcissist.
I completely agree. I came to this realisation a few weeks ago as I’m leaving the worst 1 yet, a psychopathic narcissist. Then I reflected on life, all my relationships except for 2 were with abusive me. All of my family members are narcissist. It’s truly horrifying when you have to accept that you have been abused your entire life. The rage I feel inside! The pain and the loneliness! I could’ve done so much with my life. I even questioned why was I even born just to be groomed for abuse! No I’m can live a good life if they whole life has been nothing but pain
I found it difficult to talk about the abuse with my family because they doubted my experience, invalidated my feelings, questioned my perception of it. That almost hurt worse than the abuse but I’m stronger & so much healthier now. Thanks to channels like this! Years of therapy did nothing.
Yes I know exactly what you mean it's one of the most frustrating feing I can say along with feeling of a bit of betrayal and kinda lonely feeling too. Anyways my parents are toxic my older sister is blind to it, I am aware of it. One time 4 of us were talking in the living room, and my mom brought up a story where she was face slapped by one of her co-workers or principle if school. And my sister was like "oh my hell he is crazy, what the fuck is wrong with him". A few minutes right after I told the rest of my family the story of me getting face slapped by my own father cuz I dropped a dish plate at a restaurant with people around and that it was humiliating and toxic. And guess wat NOBODY, LITERALLY NOBODY SAID A SINGLE DAMN WORD my family was just sitting there like "oh ok too bad move on". Like complete utter silence after I told the story that was hard for me to tell whereas my mom gets sympathy. I get NONE. I GET SILENCE. AGAIN MY WHOLE FAMILY EXCEPT ME are not aware of this toxic invalidating system.
Its so unbelieveable, and the narc is so good at controlling information, and everyone in the family is staging a perfect family…. Yes, it hurts a second time when you are not believed
I was called crazy when I blocked what they had done to me. Instant rage and was forced to shut up about it. Gaslighting and rage was all I got. I hate this world man! I’m hurting so bad right now. My God no one has ever truly cared or loved me. No one feels anything for me. They just drain me and create new inferiority complexes to now I feel I’m unloveable.
@@rosierb852 I can relate to what you’re feeling BUT I’ve started to create more boundaries & actively love myself.
Yeah it's something people don't like to believe
Thank you for this video. Another one is guilt. Guilt for allowing it, guilt for causing it, guilt for getting out and leaving or trying to stand up for myself then falling for the love bombing and going back. By far the worst for me is the guilt.
Pulling rank is another tactic; I am 60, I don't live with my narc dad. He nitpicks at me, he's impossible! I gave up dealing with him.
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Been through them all. 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Fortunately, am on ‘the other side’ of things likely due to an inherent nature of ‘taking the bull by the horns’; nearing 70 & didn’t want to feel like that forever. 🤷🏻♀️ It was a long worthwhile process; these days at least people can seek out this type of information in the SAFETY of their own home. Thanks for the redo & volume adjustment! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
1. Constant rumination
2. Avoidance
3. Isolation
4. Difficulty managing boundaries
5. Ruminating & second guessing over returning to abuser
6. Constant state of anxiety & depression
I used to be a very trusting person. The narcissist killed that part of me. I will adjust going forward but trusting people will never be the same.
I'm a male victim of narcissistic abuse from a female partner. I know this is less common, or at least males don't speak about it as much if it is. It literally felt like this video was describing me. Literally 4 years later and I'm still struggling with much of these. Certain Triggers still set me off to the point of tears and depression for days. I was in the relationship for 16 years. Very codependent on my abuser. Considered going back too many times, more than I care to count. I now struggle with hyper vigilant boundaries as was spoken of in the video, and it's made dating very difficult, with all my relationships ending with "you're so nice, it's not you it's me."
That sucks. You have great value.
My story is unbelievable so i keep it to myself instead of being called a liar. Complete isolation is all i can do. Nice video
I know how you feel. I have never explained the full story to anyone. Not only is it unbelievable but it's really difficult to put into words. I try really hard to get out of my isolation. My life is set up in a way that it makes it easy for me to isolate. But when I do get out and around people I do feel better. I suggest both of us get around people more often.
@@brianreed8271 well, I was recently hospitalized and came away with 2 friends, first real friends since my bff passed 7 years ago, thanks for the advice and i hope you are doing well :)
I get this. Dad is my narc, everything is his fault. He blamed me for abusing me. He doesn't want his flying monkey/enabler girlfriend to know the truth. She believes him. He's abusive. I deserve better than these two! Dad's brother, Roger, is a narcissist and hates women, too. I can't be bothered with both of them!
"Some people are just twats".. I never trusted Psychiatrists or ANYONE in that field to be honest due to very bad experiences. It wasn't hearing what I didn't want to hear, I wanted help, but I won't go beyond that.
You, though.. that statement ALONE is getting me to sub. I love that you're blunt, but calm and not insulting about ANY of it, even with some of the worst mental problems you can come across. Gotta be honest, wish I was able to go see you for anything related to mental health.
It was certainly the good parts of the narcissist that kept me in the relationship. There was a lot of good things, but it doesn’t take much abuse to ruin the whole thing. For me, it was the senseless tantrums and the threat of them that kept me anxious. A disproportionate reaction to a perceived slight. It was unnerving during our relationship, but after, it was still upsetting. To see someone you love getting insanely angry at you for no reason was like witnessing a gruesome car accident. And, of course afterwards, the clock was ticking on the next one.
"Disproportionate reaction to a perceived slight" are verbatim the words I used to my long-time best friend to describe his behaviour while he lived with me. Like McGee describes in another video, he'd get deeply apologetic, treat me like his girlfriend's dad for a week, then just revert back to his normal. I also had the same feelings, when it was him approaching me, observing someone for whom I'd stuck my back out for a long time just refuse to reciprocate any of that energy and jump straight to Defcon 1 over nothing.
I'm very sorry you've had this experience and don't want to detract from it, but I wanted to say your words and the similarities in our experiences are quite validating.
I always found no matter what I did or said, he was going to have a melt down on every vacation we went on. It was so sad.
You describe my marriage so accurately!
Yes, and have to walk on eggshells constantly. I've almost given up trying to ask for help with anything cuz he thinks I'm accusing him of something and instead of just discussing, turns it into a raging argument. I can go gray Rock, but that is exhausting, also. Sigh.
"Like witnessing a gruesome car accident" is a comment I haven't heard before, but that is exactly what it feels like. My narc ex-husband's very first narc incident occurred while we were on our first road trip over Thanksgiving holiday. Everything had been really great in our relationship from the first day up to that moment. He stopped at a gas station so we could take a break and eat, and the next thing I new, I saw him in the car trying to drive away without me!😢 I absolutely could not ever understand what happened with him. I have to say, knowing what I know now, that I'm very surprised he chose to do something so radically wrong in public. I mean, there is no one who would have stood up for him in that situation. I came running out, knocking on the car window, calling his name, and everybody noticed what was going on. Sometimes I think he was crazy on top of being a covert narcissist, because that still doesn't make any sense to me. He did something similar later in our relationship when I was very, very sick. He tried to drop me off at a hotel entrance and drive away, in my car! Even though I could barely walk, I managed to stand up and speak loudly to make a scene, which finally caused him to back down. I never knew what narcissism was until a couple of months after our relationship was over, when one of these videos came up on TH-cam.
I have been feeling everything you mentioned. The additional piece for me is realizing that my ex's behavior is tied to her own history of trauma and abuse when she was a child - and then feeling compassion for her, and then feeling angry at myself for feeling compassion. Pulling all of these strands apart is difficult and exhausting.
Definitely relate to what you said. For me, it was a splitting- like tendency. For example, if I felt compassion and understanding, I would discount my own injury and see myself as wrong. It took a lot of reality testing and attitude adjustment to allow both sides to be true.
You don’t have to feel infinite compassion like God because you’re not God, you’re human like 7 billion of us. Show your anger at the injustice done to, yes, you. Because it’s injustice.
Same.. I know that my ex-husband's narcissistic personality stems from abuse as a child, and when I left him the main feeling was of guilt for having abandoned the child in him that craved love and didn't know how to get it. I felt pity for a man whose personality was warped through no fault of his own at a young age, and it took a lot of focus to realize that A) though all of this is true, I acted for the purposes of saving my own life, and that is a very strong instinct that no one can deny. Self-preservation is justification enough, and I am to be saved as much as he is B) although he was a victim of abuse as a child, he is responsible for his actions as an adult and must be held accountable. The context makes me generally not able to feel anger for what was done to me, but the reality of what my daily life felt like when I was with him speaks volumes to the fact that I didn't deserve any of it.
don't try to rescue .....
@@chiaradendena3780 you said exactly how I feel. I'm so sad I can't help her break through and see the light and feel safe with me and just live a beautiful life together. They were injured so badly at a young age and they don't deserve to feel so terrible all the time. It's so sad...
Like your use of the word 't**t made me chuckle! 😂. Really enjoying your videos, thank you
The second guessing and ruminating, caused me to forget any coping skills I ever had!!! I turned into a screaming banshee before I was able to get out. Been over a year since I walked away, videos like this and counselling has helped me understand my part in all of this, he can figure himself out !!! not my job, we can only take the best care of ourselves to avoid these traps.....Best wishes to all :) TY Darren and commenters, this info is so needed and valued.
sounds familiar... six months before I finally ran away from home, I had a full blown break down in front of my ex-husband and I remember dropping to the floor in tears, and all I could say was "I exist.. I exist.. I exist..". It was so out of character for me, out of place, made no sense.. to the point in which I started to realize that that was how I felt all the time: like I didn't exist, like I wasn't worth the trouble, like my needs and I were utterly invisible. That was one of two or three a-ha moments that finally led me to get out of there.
"Some are just twats" Truer words were never spoken
I can tell you I was shocked to hear Darren say this! Since I'm not in Ireland, I need to ask, what do you consider to be a 'twat' there? Here in The South, USA, this would be the type of language only used quietly between men who don't value women very highly.
@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 in Ireland it means a fool
Mr. Darren, most channels tend to discuss different concepts of narc abuse, abuse syndrome, signs of gaslighting and flying monkeys etc . However, very few of them actually try to help out with the “solution” to all this. Kindly make videos which are truly helpful for the vast majority of abuse survivors ! Please help us come out of this hyper vigilant mode. Thanks 😊
The anxiety is crippling sometimes. Like i can’t or don’t know how to function in my own life anymore, like I used to. I wish I had a time machine.
same
Print out each truth that you were never told : or print out the lies that you’re still hearing in your mind long after these liars are dead and gone. Remind yourself the truth for when you know the truth, the truth will set you free. Just believe the truth regardless of how you feel about it for now. Because what’s true remains true regardless of time and place
Same. If I had a choice of chopping off my left arm in order to go pack 10 years in time I would. I would’ve left my 2nd sociopathic ex. I would’ve finished my studies and traveled the world. Spent more time traveling and cut my family over sooner. I made 30 a week ago and I have no one and nothing at all.
I can’t believe I am finally understanding what happened recently. Time to pray for healing. I can’t believe this happened. I was so humiliated for not playing his game. It took a toll on my life and I was blind
So good to hear a Northern Ireland accent while learning about this bloody awful experience and hell I have experienced while in the workplace for almost twenty years? What is disturbing is I had to identify and work it out for myself what was going on!! I ran and removed myself as a target and now being "doubled down" on invalidation by the companys HR department that is refusing to understand or acknowledge my utter distress... so thank you for saying out loud what is reality.
I think what you're saying is not mentioned very much by these videos which ASSUME for the most part that you yourself KNOW you're being played. What if this all unfolds behind your back (whether family, social, or work) and by th etime you find out, correcting the damage is already too late? It's the willing participants or those too afraid to communicate that are the real "disciples" of these very bad people.
Some of them are just t*@ts 🤣 had to replay it. Made me smile. Down to earth and spot on
Same. Loved it.🤣
Thank you very much. I found this very validating. Just as we enter our holidays and the inevitable Easter meal with family creeps closer. I find these videos so very helpful. Your calm voice is very soothing. Thank you for doing what you do 🙂
Yep I'm experiencing all of that. I really do want to feel good against. It's been 2 years no contact. I'm still looking for a way to forgive myself for putting up with the abuse. I'm tired of all of it. 😒
Yup, me too. Many many years of putting up w/ a very wide variety of attacks from several narcissists. It doesn’t end. So Unreal & I wonder how do I get my life back?
@@janetpattison8474 I don't know how we're going to get our lives back Janet. But we have to otherwise they win.
You've described me!!!
I'm thankful there's a reason why I am the way I am.
Over a decade later and the hyper-vigilance and anxiety are still with me. They will probably never leave.
"Some are just twats" is so validating coming from a mental health professional
also it made me laugh
This man is so helpful. His definitions and explanations are clear.
I was abused every way by my narcissist ex wife and silly as it sounds I still panic at the thought of spending any money on myself. I'm 60 now and cannot even buy take away food because I don't feel I'm worth the 10 bucks.
God bless you Ross my love from Scotland 🇬🇧🇬🇧
Yes you are worth the 10 bucks, just by putting up with all the nonsense. You should consider it a gift to yourself and treat yourself once a week until you start feeling ok about it.
Youre worth the entire universe bro! Bless your soul!!
I just want you to acknowledge the fact that 13 people have moved their mouse and liked YOUR comment.
Same
This is exactly what happened to me. I freaking hate everyone that took the side of my mother, and both ex narcissist I had to endure. This is why I just care about success and stay away from people.
My husband of 32 years passed away from cancer in November of 2023.
I had weekly therapy sessions once a week for 10 weeks using ACT therapy.
He was a hoarder and I didn’t figure it out until our 15th year together and yet I spent another 17 years with him. There was a 28 year age difference between us. I was younger at 27 years and gave no thought about the future.
I’ve been sorting things out in the house.
Nearly everything I pick up has either a wonderful, funny, or horrible memory attached to it. While I vacillate between anger, resentment, second guessing, and tears of all sorts.
I’m just really tired all of the time these days.
Spot on, you described exactly how I felt after leaving the relationship. My shame, self doubt and avoidance tendencies have been helped by learning more about covert narcissism on your channel.
The instant feeling of gratitude for being heard is wonderful when working with a counselor. It takes such a long time to work your way out of that guilt and yet every step in the right direction is fulfilling because showing yourself love and compassion feels so good when you haven’t had it elsewhere.
New subscriber here. This series has already helped me a lot. Thank you so much.
Thank you for this. I've often felt ashamed that I ruminated so much and still get so triggered by things even after cutting contact with the abusers years ago. Because they are relatives they have managed to co-opt other relatives over the years which means that I now mistrust other family members too. The others still don't understand why the abuse was so traumatic and unacceptable and I've had to learn to stop trying to explain it to them. I feel as if I don't really have a family at this point.
My goodness this is right on point. I had to get rid of a narcissist just today. This women would not shut up about any type of fault she would find in me. They are fault finders like you would not believe. I told her she never admits that she has any faults of her own. I just simply let her go on and on and on and I let her have the last say because through watching these narcissist videos I cam to the conclusion she is definitely a narcissist. The condemnation they make you feel about yourself is unbelievable and then they tell you how negative you are. I had to actually spend some serious time in prayer after the conversation I had with this person because that was the only way I knew how to become free from how they make you feel about yourself. I just want to encourage any one who is watching these videos and they may be thinking they are dealing with a narcissist it is better to be alone and go your separate ways then to live under that fault finding, condemnation evil demon because that is what I think you are dealing with when it comes to this type of disorder it is so evil. Let them have the last say, let them think they are putting you in their place and telling you off, let them go around telling others what happened but know in your own heart two things one you are free from that person and you re never going back to them and two you watch and see how their own downfall takes place because those who treat others like this never ever get away with it.
Thanx
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR SHARING THIS.
I WAS INVOLVED WITH AN OVERT MALIGNANT NARCISSTIS. IN THE BEGINNING I HAD NO IDEAL WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH. THIS PERSON GIVES ME MONTHS AND YEARS OF THE SILENT TREATMENT. HE 'S HIGHLY MALIGNANT. CRUEL. AFTER A 5 MONTH. SILENT TREATMENT I WAS HOVERED DEVALUED AND DISCARDED ALL IN THE SAME DAY. IM STRUGGLING TRYING TO DISCONNECT FROM THIS PERSON .THIS PERSON DESTROYED MY LIFE. MY SELF ESTEEM AND SELF WORTH NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS BRUTAL CRUEL ABUSE
I don't think that you missed a thing, Darren. You definitely "hit the nail on the head" with all of them. Because I am definitely experiencing all of them at the moment. Thank you for the compassionate way in which you teach. It's nice to not feel judged for feeling so confused. God bless you...
Wow the effort nars put into the behavior is crazy
Thank you for sharing! I never know knew there was a name for the things I have experienced after being married to a narcissist. Everything is spot on! Gives me a better understanding on why I feel the way I do!
Working with a Obsessive Compulsive/Narcissist manager for the last 5 years or so. Very confusing and frustrating personality to work with. Rumination has definitely been the most unhealthy part... trying to understand narcissism, OCD, and all the gaslighting, manipulate, and entitlement to dominance. Avoidance? I am definitely Grey Rocking and putting as much distance between me and this person. It has changed how I see people and past relationships now. I'm trusting my gut more, and keeping my mouth shut more. I'm in therapy and started taking meds for the first time in my life. It is like waking up inside The Matrix but not able to get out just yet. I can see the narcissism and the OCD and I just say "Ok", "Understood", and put the distance back in place as soon as possible.
I left my Narsisist G.F 3 months ago, I find I'm going through all of those issues you have mentioned, constantly reenacting the problems, was it that bad, can't sleep having nightmares most nights, waking up sweating , hopefully I'm over the worst if it now .
I left. No contact. But what you say is true. I feel I’ve also become that angry person like my spouse. I’m negative, overthink the worst and very pessimistic about my future, alone.
I try to keep occupied and want to study further but have this defeatist attitude that nothing about me is good. As I feel rejected and discarded although I tried so hard, with my empathetic personality, to please him. I suffer a lot of trauma bonding.
I’m at this stage to. Wanting continue my studies and leave for good, but I’m psychologically broken.
@@michellegall1427
Thank you. We have to find a purpose to carry on . But most importantly to love ourselves and see our goodness.
@@rosierb852
On month later…
Every day that goes by, it makes you stronger. Carry on with your studies and try to enjoy the small pleasures of life. Look positively to your future and hope goodness will come your way.
Multiple Choice Question
1: All of the above ✅
2: All of the above ✅
3: All of the above ✅
Thank you for this. This is great information, when you're still recovering from a relationship with a narcissist. It was REALLY good to hear that this isn't permanent, and you can recover and heal from this syndrome. The part about being isolated really struck a chord, because it made me realize that, while I was isolated from family and friends while in the relationship, now that I'm out of said relationship, I'm self isolating. I need to work on that, because a strong support group would probably help with all the ruminating, depression and anxiety. I still believe the lie I was told that my feelings and emotional well being aren't important.
Print the truth about who you are out in as many copies with as many large size fonts and colors and styles as possible and place every Print-out in a prominent place like the bathroom door, mirror, fridge, car, etc.
And who are you?
Why you’re the person whom God sent His only Son to die for.
And why did He die for you?
Self condemnation. From Anxiety to Disconnection with reality a feeling like your on the brink of psychosis.
Thank you so much for making this video. I recently left my narcissist and find myself struggling even though I am in a better situation. With this, I now know what my next steps are. Very grateful for your channel's existence!
What are your next steps?
@@criticaljim1 Sorry, I only saw your comment today! I've been exercising, going back to school, and journaling. Also, I often reflect on the freedom I have now and think about how my past self could only dream of this freedom. It feels uplifting.
@@KeoKitti Yes, that's how I feel too these days. Seems like a profound experience to step out of the old, dusty box I'd been put in, outside into the sunshine.
Still hoping for an apology...I know that it won't happen...but I still hope...we can always hold our heads high...Live our lives peacefully...knowing that is karma at work...
I got an apology, it meant to absolutely nothing. It was the fakest thing I ever heard. It was followed up with a blame shifting excuse.
The narcissist karma is built in, they get it every day.
I got an apology... plus an admission that he would say whatever it takes to move on from the discussion about it. In other words, the apology was just another tool for manipulation.
@@kimartist I'm just constantly amazed how so many of us have had the same experience. It makes me feel good that I'm not alone in this, but at the same time I don't want to think it's because misery loves company. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.
I got an 'apology' well her attempt at one. It included the words sorry but followed by weird shifting statements about the fallout. When I called her and her non-apology out she switched and said it wasn't meant to be an apology. I had always previously accepted them and moved on. Not this time. She didn't like that :p
Thank you for your explanations. Your descriptions are spot on. My life partner was married for decades with a narcissist. He was abrilliant man and very respected professional but had a very low self esteem. When he left her for me, he fell in a deep depression and finally took his life after unrelenting threats from her over months when he filed for divorce. I deeply regret that I did not know more about narcissistic abuse syndrom at the time (2009).
What exactly is spiritual abuse? Thanks fot your kind and gentle way of explaining!!! 🤔
I’m a year late but so glad I watched. After 56 years of being the main target of my overt narcissistic sibling I’m finally DONE. I love how this doc articulated just how dynamic our reactions can be after years of abuse. I’m guessing that part of ‘fixing’ myself involves simply being aware of what’s going on inside my head and how it may manifest in my daily interactions is a big part of the battle. This is now my official doctor. No more throwing money away on clueless counselors. ✌️ So, thank you
I can relate to everything you said I am going through a very difficult time.i have been stalked by a narcissist three times he is constantly verbally abusing me every day for the last two years I am trying to get therapy it is good to hear that someone understand
I think this is me but I actually sleep a lot. I will try to aid sleep when I can’t sleep naturally because it’s the only way to not feel any emotional pain. From the moment I wake up, I long for sleep again.
I’ve gone through each step, & still vacillate on a daily basis. I try to have civil conversations with my Narc, but always have nightmares after speaking with her. I’m finally ready to go full no-contact. Thanks for this…
Wow…this explains so so so much. My husband says I’m such a different person. I agree tho, more depressed, more anxious, and more angry. He has me on constant pins and needles in anticipation of what bs will come out of his mouth next that I will have to defend against or dish right back out or defend my son from his flashes of anger when my son doesn’t appreciate him the way he thinks he should have…sigh
I was raised by a narcissist woman. I hate her guts I always will. I have avoided my family for years. I will never let them put me in same position again
I’m right there with you, stay strong
Unfortunately a member too!
I wish everyone well on their journeys.... finding ways to reduce your symptoms, heal and move on from this... one day at a time.... being kind to yourselves....
Thank you for your time and patience
I'm so glad I found this video. I had many of those symptoms and felt kind of schizophrenic, but not really. So the part about hypervigilance showed me, that my sense of being watched and manipulated behind the scenes wasn't as irrational as psychiatrists made it out to be when they diagnosed me with schizophrenia. Thanks a lot, Mr Magee!!!
35 years ago I divorced a narcissist after 20 years of marriage. Now my 55 year old son is treating me the way his father did. He shouts and abuses me, he challenges everything I say, he wants me to do everything he tells me too and I feel I am back with my ex and I am too old and too unwell to cope now.
At work we have had alot of new staff. Its interesting and painful to see them all trying to align with the people who they think have power over others. They then denigrate somone and when people agree with them, they run to another group and repeat what they had been led to saying. Toxic. The boss sits back as each group reports on the other groups. Supervisors will make it difficult for you to get what your intitled to if you dont honour their ego. I even had the manager say he might not allow my holiday because I had put the paperwork through the supervisor and not him.
Thankyou for this post. It will wake people up.
It is bad enough having to deal with a narrcist boss but the " flying monkeys" are the pits ..malignant outriders who band together to add poison to every piece of bullshit served up...you feel like a fly caught in a web full of spiders and struggle to free yourself from exhaustion from the daily battle.
Thank you so much! This and videos from others on the this topic are unbelievably helpful to understand what experienced. And, probably even more important, they help me not to try to get back or question everything again.
Yes, I haven’t dated or let ANYONE get close to me since my relationship with a raging covert techno narcissist ended 10 YEARS ago.
"....some are just twats." Thank you for the best laugh I've had in quite awhile!
I'm a little confused about a statement in this video that all narcissists are not abusers (or abusive). Considering that narcissists are intentionally manipulative and seek to control their victims, gaslight them and defame their character, I would think that would be considered abuse.
Not all narcissists are malignant. There are some “benevolent” narcissists. While these latter are still very self-absorbed and entirely centered on themselves, they still have a good heart, even if their “altruism” (which can be impressive) is motivated by a desire for admiration.
Think of narcissism as on a continuum, with many different forms and expressions.
I have two narcissists in my family, one benevolent and the other malignant. The only difference between the two is that the benevolent narcissist won’t go so far as to lie and ruin another’s reputation. Her genuine desire to be honest and to not be vindictive is what saves her.
By contrast, the malignant narcissist is so accustomed to lying that she no longer even notices when what she says is an outright lie. For her, the “truth” is whatever makes her look better, whatever will give her the attention she craves. And she’s vindictive. Cross her in the smallest way and she’ll never forget. And then to punish you, she’ll start smear campaigns against you. And she gets so much energy from ruining your reputation that it becomes a drug for her.
The difference between the two is that the benevolent narcissist won’t use you for “food.” She doesn’t feed off of negative, toxic energy. The malignant narcissist is energized by the smear campaigns she instigates against you and you become, in a very real sense, her “food.”
@@elisa1323 Thanks for providing that insight. Had no idea there were two types of narcissist. Wonder why there are not more videos discussing the different types of narcissist, versus all the focus on the obvious malignant narcissist. People looking out for narcissists, need to know there's another type out there that isn't quite as bad.
@@elisa1323 Yes!! I've dealt with my ex-wife now for 12 years. 2 years longer than we were married. She will go to far lengths to try and make me miserable. Sabotaging relationships is her specialty. Especially, with our children. She literally sent a "chaperone" with our daughter to my wedding last week, hoping that It would create a scene. We just treated her like family, and she ended up serving the cake! Lol!
Narcissists are great at projecting, constantly blaming others for what they are actually doing themselves. I have discovered that my best weapon is to compliment her, smile, and just be nice no matter how she is acting. She always tries to pull me into her miserable life (she's a multi-millionaire btw) to get some kind of reaction from me. Life is way too short to spend wasting time and energy worrying about these people. 🙂 !!!
I can't seem to set boundaries properly. I feel ashamed by setting them and frustrated that I can't at the same time.
I've just discovered this TH-cam video. I'm 63, had a narcissistic mother. I am in therapy 😌. The effects seem worse as we get older, maybe it's having more time to reflect. But I've had a very hard life. My father left after she attempted to stab him. I was 2. I'd never known a kind word, and was told that , she didn't bond with me, and I'd probably have to find a family I liked. I was 13 and had been abused by her new husband. I had facial fractures bocken nose jaw and eye socket. And, well, she said she needed his money. People don't believe how evil these people are, and always believe the lies and slurs. I'm glad this Chanel can help people with that.
"Some are just twats, okay?"
Darren Magee, you've been following me around, making notes... 😅
Came across this looking for answers.
I suffer with all 6. You word for word say here what is and has happened to me.
My ex-husband is a narcissist and I got out of that marriage. I also got primary custody of the children. My son then because exactly like his dad but far far worse. My son gaslit me in the most horrible ways. Got me fired from a job because he called them and said I was violently crazy and called the police on a Facebook post I made, flipped my covers over during the night while we slept so we woke up tucked in under blankets that were flipped over (sheet on top, comforter on bottom) herbacided the bushes, broke my security camera, let his dad in my house when I was at work to take photos and spy on us within my home unknowingly,. He took his sister's dog and put her in the neighbors back yard with his rottweilers in an attempt to get the dog killed to cause drama and upset (because his sister got the dog as a birthday present and it was more expensive than the gift he got for his birthday....the list goes on and on.
Of course I didn't know it was my son at the time, I thought it was someone breaking into my home, I was being gang stalked by agents of some sort.
After I lost my kids to my narcissistic ex husband I haven't seen or heard from them much at all in over 6 years now. The abusive narcissist I won and the flying monkeys was my son who turned out to be 1000 times worse than. His dad. My son took revenge on me for what he perceived I did to his dad during the divorce.
Ever heard of THIS situation?
I need help. Seriously. I do not know what to do. It's one thing to leave a narcissistic abusive spouse, it's a whole different beast to leave your child behind.
I'm so confused and conflicted about what to do. I have no other family except my husband and his family. My kids are gone, felt like they were kidnapped from me. The trauma is extraordinary. I'm lucky to have survived this far. With no help. No counseling. No one really even cares. If they do, they feel hopeless to help me, it's so overwhelming no one wants to even hear about it, it's that uncomfortable. No one knows what to do.
Help.
After dealing with this for 15 years, I no longer show any type of confidence in talking to other people. This was already the case before the relationship, but now it's 10 fold. I don't talk to family because I feel they just don't get it and I have no friends. I'm ruined financially because I haven't been able to keep any job for over 3 years because of my drug addictions in the past (2 months sober) and feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. I drive Uber now and often have to stop working for the day because seeing happy people talking to their friends or even trying to talk to me, triggers a lot of emotions and I end up feeling overwhelmed with grief. I'm currently still living with said person and seriously plan on sleeping in my car just to get away from her and try to find some sort of peace. I have years of abuse to get over and can't afford help. I also have very low energy for life. I work as much as I can handle and stay to myself the rest of the time. I'm also an HSP which plays a role into a majority of my issues with being more social.
It turns out there's a high chance I may be autistic.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, you need to get out. The more physical distance you put between you and your abuser, the better you will feel and the healing starts that much sooner. I had to move states until I finally felt safe enough to be myself and slowly you’ll become who you were meant to be.
First thing though is you need to be safe enough to start your recovery process. It’s a weird thing but when you cut out the toxic people in your life and move towards bettering yourself in a healthy way, you’ll start meeting people who are actually good for you. Don’t feel like you need this person for companionship or anything, just acknowledge that they’re draining your well being and stop overthinking, just put it in action. One day just move out and go. You’ll be better off one day at a time, all you need is to make that first step.
I've not knowingly ever been the victim of a narcissist, but have been drawn to what characterises them by Meghan Markle's behaviour. What drives her and how might she be helped? As an onlooker, and from the many comments below, it is clear narcissism a fascinating and sadly a not uncommon phenomenon. Thank you for your clear explanations and extraordinarily reassuring tone, just listening to you calms me and makes me feel I want to do something good in the world.
I’ve been celibate for ten years now after my ex covert narc discarded me and eventually married a rich man. Before her I’d had many relationships. Now I find myself stuck ruminating on how she cheated on me and then told how how much more endowed he was and basically broke me down completely. While my father was dying. Even after several years when she finally discarded me I begged for her to come back. I got cancer and went to tell her expecting she’d at least be sympathetic. Her new roommate answered the door and says she doesn’t care about trashy people like you. When I said I’d been diagnosed he again said “nobody cares. Like I was a creep. She’d been the cheating lying cruel person in our relationship without quest but obviously she had lied to all her friends about me. I went through chemo alone. I’ve been to a few psychiatrists but they haven’t even been familiar with the terms “love bombing” or “hoovering” devaluing or discard all things my ex did in typical fashion over two years while living together.
Instead psychiatrists have treated me like just a bitter jilted ex ex. Which isn’t worth paying for. So I’m kinda stuck on TH-cam. Advice?
Thank you for your insight. My God! I think you know my Belfast ex, McGilton whom I met in Perth Australia. He is guilty of everything you said. I was almost annihilated. He's a malignant, grandiose Narcissistic Tw@t. I'm alive with severe PTSD. I'm alone, so terrified, I'm in the Shark Cage.
The thing I hate the most is the when the Narcissist congratulates you on something cas you know it isn't sincere and it's only done to get you on their side.
Sir, what I hear you saying, and I concur, I must keep a permit distance between myself and my remaining parent. You are confirming the conclusion that I had reached approximately two years before moving back to Tennessee and away from my family: That parent is too much of a trigger, particularly when I consider childhood and that they still hadn't changed despite how long I had been gone.
Powerful and completely accurate.
I’m suffering so much right now. I’m so sick everyday. I thought this person was a good person. He’s one of the most toxic people I’ve ever met. I can’t take anymore mental abuse. I live with them and it’s awful. I’m also heartbroken cause I really believed in this person. High levels of anxiety and depression. I have never wanted to take meds for it I am now going to be put on Zoloft. I feel so alone :( I can’t sleep or eat
People that suffer from narcissistic abuse tends to be kind-hearted sympathetic people that can't possibly fathom somebody being so evil and will often take them back in hopes of helping them. No matter what they say or do, these people will literally be the death of you.
You are dealing with a malignant evil that only a trained professional can fully understand and articulate.
I hope that anyone suffering from this kind of abuse is able to recover and live their life to their fullest potential.
I 💯agree on this
Thanks for another helpful video.
It may sound cynical but I’ve learned not to trust people until they give me reason to trust, instead of trusting people until they give me reason not to, saves a lot of heartache. People mistake kindness for weakness and it is in the sense that you can make yourself vulnerable to the wrong kind of energy and people in your life.
I have been experiencing the first 5. The rumination is the worst for me
My stepmother emotionally abused me for 40 years due to her narcissism and personality disorders. She also hurt my relationship with my dad since she bullied him into enabling her abuse. She died a couple years ago and I did not mourn. Now I can fully exhale since she is no longer in my life.
I agree totally with Lady Colin Campbell who advocates the only way to deal with a narcissist is distance. Then when it comes to the healing phase both as a survivor and a therapist you need to find a therapist that can help you rebuild your self-esteem and teach you to be gentle with yourself and take time to heal. Then learn to start looking gift horses in the mouth, for your own self-preservation.
what if you're going through all these symptoms, but your husband insist that you are the narcissist? you can't really say anything without being accused of trying to manipulate him. I can't even have a conversation about my feelings anymore because I will be accused of playing the victim. I felt so horrible that I had to go to therapy for awhile. he watches a lot of these types of videos and gets all kinds of ideas in his head. the problem is I think that when people go through trauma with somebody they can exhibit a lot of these traits. he accused me of reactive abuse because he had cheated on me a few times and he said I was way overreacting. I admit that I would flood my emotions on him sometimes because I felt so betrayed and in shock. I'm much better now and I have forgiven my husband and I've also taken responsibility for my part of the breakdown in our marriage. we were both very emotionally immature. we also suffered from depression off and on threw out our 28 years of marriage. but to be constantly accused of things I've never done and never would do being told I'm a horrible person it really starts to break you down. he never thought of me that way until he started watching videos like yours and others on TH-cam.
My response to your comment is a question:
Which of you two would be most likely to ask themselves - "Could I be the problem?"
I think a narcissist would rarely, if ever, seek answers from within. It would always be someone else's fault with them.
I have ask this of my relationship with my family. "Am I the narcissist?" and many have stated if you can ask that question, the answer is most likely "no".
Narcs do not care about how they make others feel, unless the appearance of caring would benefit them and only them at the time.
@@MikinessAnalog That's why I went to therapy. I was so mixed up with my feelings, and worrying I really was a horrible person. The worst was being accused of things I never did. They were all things he was doing. I'm glad I went to see a doctor. I need help in other areas in my life that I hadn't dealt with, and my therapist helped me work through them.
This all resonates with me. Coming up on 25 years married, and have agreed to couples counseling. I feel like a complete unhinged lunatic During sessions, with him so concerned and perfect responses to the therapist. Since making the first appointment, he has been above and beyond nice, helpful, etc. is this the lovebombing you refer to? I’m hopeful for a video to explain this more. I am definitely less than trustful that this will last, or that this can even have a chance of lasting. My family and individual therapist have been helping me heal.
1) Rumination/ Reliving Events
2) Avoidance
3) Self Doubt
4) Poor Boundaries
5) Hyper vigilance
6) Loss of Sense of Self
7) Anxiety and Depression
8) Internalised Anger
9) Self Blame and Self Condemnation
The simplest that I have ever heard it put- "yesterday's threat is present today."
Narcissists; the one sided relationship
Amazing analysis! I'm subscribing.
After a lifetime of physical and emotional abuse by narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths I am a total mess. I have been surrounded and targeted by these horrible people my whole life. I have all these symptoms except the hyper sensitivity to criticism because I'm just not that self-centered. I'm 15 months no contact from a narc mother that spent 6 years setting me up pretending she was making up for being a terrible mom(enabled a psychopath to beat and terrorize me for 10 years) just to rip the mask off and become an ungodly monster. I'm so shaken by this experience I feel like I'm in a state of trauma often. I know I need help. I'm totally alone with zero support. Reaching out is hard for me. I'm afraid to be in therapy because putting so much attention on what has happened to me will make me worse. I keep hoping the cloud will pass and I can feel like me again. I have periods when I feel better but then I get triggered and it's work to get back out of the darkness.
Maybe you've already done a video about this (?) But I've been wondering what the victim can do to stop attracting narcissists into their lives? I mean, I keep getting them trying to attach themselves to me like leeches over & over & over again. I moved into my new house only to discover that the "nice" elderly lady next door was a controlling narcissist who wanted to run my life. I finally had to block her phone number & the last time she tried to step on my property I told her to stop trespassing & went "no contact" with her. Which of course triggered a series of retaliations - calling local government agencies to make false reports (for example telling police I had an abandoned vehicle in my yard - not true, but I had to go through the aggravation of proving to the police department that the vehicle was in perfect running condition), etc. I refuse to speak with her, because I know anything I do say will be turned into a tall tale of me (allegedly) cussing at her & other uncharacteristic words & behavior. I figure it's safer not to say anything at all. But anyway, wherever I go, like to a church or other social group, the local narcissist will seek me out & attach themselves. I have to wonder what it is about me that makes them make a beeline for me & how do I stop it before it starts?!
Yes, me too!
Please Darren do a video on this.
Hi Kim I made a video about ‘why me?’ If you find that helpful?
Check out the Crappy Childhhod Fairy - also on TH-cam. Thats what she is all about.
@@DarrenFMagee OK thank you, I saw that. I guess I really want to know how to make myself a "hard target"? Learning to identify them helps tremendously & being older now & WAY less interested in "people pleasing" I think turns them off. The narcissist lives in a fantasy (about themselves); they don't want someone who can really see them, warts & all.
THis was interesting and informative. Thank you.
Ugh. I'm so tired. It's been 2 years and I'm still struggling with this. We were married 13 years. Restless leg syndrome has now kicked in and I never thought that was really a thing. Sigh....
Perfect explaination
Good job my friend 💥