OCD Symptoms and Narcissistic Abuse
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 พ.ย. 2024
- NEW! Online course for Recovery from narcissistic abuse.
jreidtherapy.c...
Read the reviews & testimonials to see if it's the right investment for you.
***
Today's video discusses how symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder may emerge during narcissistic abuse as way to keep the survivor focused on his/her internal experience rather than the despairing abuse they are experiencing from the narcissist. I describe the 4 main features of obsessional thoughts: 1) intrusive, 2) recurrent, 3) unwanted, and 4) inappropriate.
Ian Osborn's book "Tormenting thoughts and secrete rituals: The hidden epidemic of obsessive-compulsive disorder" is referenced.
Take the narcissistic emotional abuse quiz: jreidtherapy.c...
Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation: jreidtherapy.c...
Here is the Recovery from narcissistic abuse playlist:
• Narcissistic Abuse Rec...
Subscribe to my channel: / @jreid-heal-narcissist...
#jayreid #jayreidpsychotherapy
When your every interaction and conversation feels like you're trying to defuse a fucking bomb, you definitely got yourself a narcissist.
I didn't fully realize how disabling this was until I went full no contact. My brain was hijacked by the constant hyperarousal. Getting to the source is absolutely possible when the brain and body is able to find a relative state of calm. Looking back, it's hard to believe how long this went on, and I thought it was genetic until I put the pieces together. Recovery is absolutely possible. It did take a quite while, but improvement was measurable and encouraging enough to keep moving forward.
I noticed when I went no contact, I felt so anxious at first but it started to fade with time. I never realized how uncomfortable I was around my family. I had to be the person my narcissistic parents wanted me to be. Trying to be their version of perfect was exhausting. I am no contact with my entire toxic family. You can only get healthy by leaving the unhealthy behind.
Your experience sounds extremely relatable to me. I agree, …it’s almost as though the intensity of our ‘release’ from our situation is reciprocal to the extent of suffering we’ve endured. ❤️🩹😌👍
I went No Contact with entire toxic family over 10 yrs ago. It was hell, I was also dealing with an empty nest situation as a single parent with my only child just starting and living at college. It was brutal. It eventually caused an awakening of sorts, and these days I'm much happier and have many new hobbies and interests. Stop by my lil channel here if ya get time, I'm trying to offer some help with this situation from my personal experience, as well as showing some of my hobbies. I ask for nothing, but I'm also no expert like Dr. Reid here. Take care everyone.
I had a very similar experience. I went like this until age 52. It’s unbelievable I survived it. I think it shows how resilient we are. I hope you’re doing well with your healing.
@@belovedchild9812 Boats against the current, so we beat on. Stay strong friend, we got this.
I honestly feel this is the best channel for narcissistic abuse recovery there is out there- and I’ve been researching since 2004. It is less concerned about how a narcissist behaves and more about how the victim lives with the imprint of the behavior and how it lacks wholeness. This and classes on boundaries have been very helpful to my healing and learning how to reparent myself. In 2004, there were so few books out- one of them blamed the children for acting like victims and not being responsible. Another noted that 90 percent of children of narcissist end up alone at the end of their lives. This is so helpful and hopeful compared with the earlier literature for survivors.
Just wow!!! The misinformation some people preach is disgustingly mind-blowing
Thanks for the comment it helps me on my recovery from narcissistic abuse. I wasn't sure what I was dealing with back when I was younger but now that I see how disturbing they are and how triggered I feel whenever I am around narcissists.
They are like a poison and I hate adjusting to them
I work with an OCPD manager in my office, and I have seen his narcissistic rage first hand when I do not reflect his self-importance back to him. They are very infantile personalities stuck in their terrible-twos. The impasse of their denial is what feels so traumatic to be around. It's obvious they are abusively mentally ill, but they think they are geniuses and deserve special treatment even when they are lower intellect/common sense.
I had forgotten how I coped with insecurity..checking my door 3 times...if I had a trigger it might be 10 times...
Checking the stove..the water..
As I got away from my crazy family I lost my phobias completely and RARELY did the checking things...
But I REALLY need to look at this...
because I still have catastrophizing
whenever something unexpected comes up...even if it would seem ridiculous to someone who had not lived "waiting for the other shoe to drop" all day everyday...Thank You
Interesting. I've never thought of my OCD being connected to my narcissistic abuse in this way. Its true that the OCD really does keep you distracted from outward experiences, and almost allows you to escape reality, escaping the pain at the same time. I'm learning with my intrusive thoughts to just let them happen. It's taken years to get to the point but I've realized they're just thoughts and don't define me, you have to learn to stop reacting to them.
me too
I have OCD. I need a clean area, my house, my car, my work place. I clean and it's something I can
Control. Life can be uncontrolled.
I am using these videos in my recovery. Thank you for information, validation and comfort. I went no contact with 99% of my family. This included blocking them on my phone from texting. There is no privacy; they're all on a group text which i don't want. I still experience guilt. I am better, but- never dreamed of being estranged from family. I have two brothers I talk to occasionally- but, it's all connected and, i feel more safe staying away. Lonely at times- but, safe. Thanks.
The fear of being socially rejected from my mother and sister (both exhibit narcissistic behavior) is what I believe led me to have OCD in high school through college. I was already being rejected for being different in my family; “too sensitive…too dramatic.”
Your content pretty much resonates and help me dig deeper into this, I truly feel heard here without saying one word, I have body dysmorphia at one time being close to 265 lbs, I lost 135 pounds and still was not happy, when I was fat my mom said I should lose weight, when I was thin she said I needed to eat, also I hand wash in an OCD way, my mother who is the narc, mocks my handwashing and makes fun of me, almost every time I went to see her, she actually only allows me to wash my hands in the kitchen, I thought it was sweet but it's for her benefit to have dialogue, how sick is that, this video let me see that exactly for what it is. Thanks so much, your post are helping many crawl out of this identity/paradigm and claim ourselves.
I am a lifelong sufferer of OCD. I am sixty four years old. My mother is a very violent woman. I learned immediately that you do not displease this woman if you wanted to live.
She woud brutalzie me if she did not get what she wanted, and twist my lips if she did not hear the words that she wanted to hear. Once, I said "OK"in response to her and she hit me, saying, "Say, "Yes, Mommy"."
I didn't know the rules of the game, if their was any in the first place, except reading her mind and pleasing her. Indeed, I became a good mind reader. I was surprised that everybody didn't read minds, because in my family, my mother just had to say, do this or bring that and my siblings or I would come running with the object of her requests. So to be safe, I learned not to talk and not to do anything at all. Then at least I would not get hit.
By three years old, I had already learned what that terror was. It became the foundation of how I would live the rest of me life.
I always had this anxiety that I carried with me. But I did not know what it was.
When I was six years old, my mother said to me "You come first in class or I will cut off your neck." I totally believed her. Because, my mother used to go to the market every Saturday and buy a live chicken. And, she will cut off it's neck, and I would see it. I believe that this woman would do the same thing to me when I was a child. Of course, now that I have grown up I don't believe she would have done it.
In my country of origin, in class you got graded on your report card, by one to the last person in class. So my mother ordered me to come first, and I did. How afraid I was that she would cut of my neck. I think I came first a couple of tiimes, which hard actually for any child to do.
Then, thankfully, I went to live with my grandmother soon after. She was a very good lady. My father's mother. It was the first time I ever experienced real freedom. I blossommed and a side of me came out that was free. Those were the best years of my life.
But the damage that my mother had done had already taken hold.
I carried within me a nameless terror, that follwed me everywhere I go.
And when I was eleven, I was reading the Bible. It said about a sin agsinst the Holy Spirit that will never be forgiven. And the nameless terror withinm e attached ittself to it. I was so sure that I was past redemption. The terror had found it's "sin".
I have since then realized that this was OCD, and that some suffers of this disease often get this particular obsession.
I had only pure O, back then which is OCD without the compulsions.
Forsix years I obsessed that I was going to hell.
I really believed it.
At fourteen, I came back to live with my mother, and nine months later, I had develoed full blown OCD with rituals and also severe depression. My brother, also, had runaway a few weeks earlier, and we hadn't heard from him for about twelve years later.
Anyway, I was hospitalized. I was in therapy for two years.
Years later, as a young adult, I remember one woman who had observed me for a long time, remarked, "Your mother never taught you confidence."
"Then my husband, witnessing my distress that I would go into often, said, "Girl, your mother didn't teach you confidence."
Incidentally, our marriage was shortlived. And I am single to this day.
Then one day as I was feeeling my way to exit out of my Mom's vehicle, she remarked to herself out loud, "I didn't teach her any confidence" Maybe it was a self reproach.
You know, when you are walking around with a paper stuck to your back with a bad message, and every one ese sees it, except you. And noone tells you.
But, you know something is wrong. You have always known something is wrong. You are like a blind person, feeling for you cannot see. Everybody else can see. You are missing something, but you do not know what it is. You are like the cat who was declawed; you see the Chinese maiden of long ago whose feet was bounnd from birth and is crippled all her life and you understand. You walk around declawed ans crippled because you missed a stage of deveoment that was vital in your life. You don't know how to trust and you don't have self confidence.
I am learning it however, and I am learning to be a child again, to repair that part of me so I could live my lfe fully and as a whole person.
But for every pain a blessing will come. I will be allright.
I am 27 and i feel u to the core. Good thing i am self aware now taki'g medicationa and doing erp.
I understand.
I was married for 16 years. When I was first married, i was confident and full of energy. Over the years of my marriage my mental health progressively got worse. Over the course of the last several years, i had no idea what was going on, I thought i had body dysmorphic disorder, I stopped looking in the mirror, i had intrusive thoughts that scared me, I started to believe that i had OCD. I had random fears that would come and go and have been something i never worried about. And as you mentioned in the video, the distress was by these things being at odds with who i knew myself to be. . This is the first time I've seen these symptoms associated with narcassistic abuse. When my spouse told me out of the blue that she was done and seeing someone else, i thought it would destroy me. But i still considered her the best person i had ever met. I couldn't blame her because of how much of a mess i was. I was on anxiety and depression meds and spiraling. At first I was determined to fix myself to win her back. I got into therapy, and started researching codependency. Narcissisms wasn't even on my radar. But as I did the work on myself i had realization after realization. A year and a half later, I don't have any of those ocd/anxiety symptoms. They just slowly dissipated over the months following going no contact. Its honestly hard to reconcile that this person i loved more than myself was not the person i pedestalized.
I’m angry that my mother didn’t stand up for me when my father was angry and blamed me for his crap. Then she sided with him against me! My dad didn’t want me to have my puppy he said put her into the shelter your homeless. We have to discuss Lilly! He isn’t my boss! When I had surgery and couldn’t work for two months, I called him for help. He said, I’ll have your sister send you $100. He said something like, wow what are you doing with your life? My intrusive thoughts have turned me into a shell of myself. When I saw my dad I couldn’t believe how he highjacked the conversation. He’s an overbearing, hyper controlling narcissist. Although, I don’t want to accept that I have to leave him to stop the abuse. Thanks for sharing this amazing video!
The presentation in this video of how there is a limited range of expression allowed by the abuser describes perfectly how checking and ritualizing comes into play after years of narcissistic abuse
Great video spot on and super insightful info 👌👌
Jay, my childhood was being on heightened alert 24/7, lots of adrenaline inducing events and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Especially around learning, now I realize if I relax I can learn about anything.
This was my upbringing too my parents fucked me up and now at 27 i am treating this disease agressively with chemical and behavioural therapy.
@@shred9475 wow. Never heard it put that way. It can be seen as a disease from the paranoid diseased people who spread it to avoid everything. Like enjoying life.
Thank you so much for this video. I was severely abused up until recently (I’m 25) by my narcissistic and codependent parents. I was recently diagnosed with OCD and have had OCD symptoms since I was a child. I knew there was a connection between the two but I haven’t been able to find any literature on the topic. So this video is definitely a breath of fresh air.
Same, had been abused by my narcisstic father. And the anger and rage I felt towards him, the hurt I felt made me want to kill him but instead of using my anger I surpressed it and I saw images of what I would do, thinking I was a bad person and stuff, also I saw a movie where I was very empathic and could be in the killers standpoint, looking through their eyes and it freaked me out as well. All this combined, the abuse and hurt and the movie I saw gave me OCD
Same! Narcissistic mother, codependent/enabling father, and I've been diagnosed with OCD and PTSD
@@imapandaperson same here, at very young age, got OCD and CPTSD
I've had a hard time finding someone who's parent were both narcissistic and codependent, but I can see how since they NEED a supply.
Didn't expect to get this part of me explained. Thank you.
Hi Jay, Thank you so much (from the UK) for these videos; I find them so validating without being patronising. You have helped me so much. My mother has used me as an emotional (and, when I was small enough, physical) punch-bag for so long. She was everyone’s favourite teacher and the. “Child Protection Officer” (in charge of student welfare) at my school. But she would then come home and scream at me/ beat me with a belt for defying her. I have OCD about leaving the house (afraid of fire/ flood etc) and now see that this could be directly related.
This is a trauma response. Exposure therapy worked for me. I recommend it. Don't let the narcissist win and steal more years of your life. Your mom is still controlling you, trauma is in your body not your mind.
From the bottom of my heart I do really wish you a very quick recovery process and I hope you'll find the perfect help for your problems - you're worth a way better life 🙏 Maybe Jay's topic of today's video will show you a way out to your own life without emotional abuse from your double faced, terrible so called "mother". Thanks for sharing your heavy thoughts and horrible story, it sounds like a nightmare 😢 💔 😔 😞 I wish you all the best in life💖💝❤💛
@@taniabluebell3099 Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, my mum continues to control me (but I feel less so as I become educated). I guess I will never be truly free but can find ways to cope and thrive - that’s my hope, anyway!😊c
@@fantasip Thank you. 🙏 You are lovely. I’m guessing if you are here that you are on a journey of your own so it’s very nice of you to empathise with me xx
The two faced behaviour of narcissists is truly distressing . It sounds like your mother behaved like my narc parents - more concerned about their false self appearance to the public , sometimes complete strangers even , than to their 'loved ones' at home . The hard belief that their minion children exist to serve their massive egos is all pervasive . The sound of the screaming rages has followed me in my head throughout my life as it has you no doubt . May peace find us at some point .
Thanks for giving the perfect definition of the term "walking on eggshells" in the introduction to this video. Thanks for another great video.
Thanks! I really needed to hear this! I started to have Intrusive thoughts when I was 15 my narcissistic mum took me to church, she was to busy with her “important “ life and her new boyfriend and so many more things that she was doing at that time, she couldn’t even bother to ask me what was actually happening to me! She had just divorced from my dad. I was the scapegoat and I fulfilled this role for a very long time! Now I understand that it wasn’t me! It was not my fault that her life was miserable! and I’m starting to find peace and happiness! . 💪🏻👏🏻🙏🏻☀️
Two years later, I really hope your progress is thriving. 💜
I grew up with a narcissistic parent and sibling and my ocd themes revolve around being defective, which manifests in two ways: 1. Being bad/evil 2. Being broken in some way, i.e., stupid, having some personality/identity defect, health problems etc. I am SO hyper vigilant about offending people, I will ruminate for hours over whether a friend may have interpreted something I said or did as insulting, and hyperfixate on their reaction. I play social situations on loop in my head trying to find new information that could shed light onto the situation, and try to “logic” my way out of emotional distress. My self worth is so damaged from the abuse I convince myself that people will think I am a terrible person and leave me if I make any mistakes in a relationship
Thanks Jay for validating, and further expanding on, what I have been learning about myself. Can you do a video expanding on the need to always feel on as a result of narcissistic abuse? It seems to really lead to so many of my ruminating thoughts.
My ruminating thoughts seem to come in the form of constantly trying to explain myself in my mind to what others may have to say about what I'm doing or thinking at nearly every moment of my life. It almost seems to be worse after going grey rock and no contact with so many people. Now, I feel like if I make a mistake, all the people I walked away will say, "see, I knew it, there is something wrong with her"
This seems to really correlate with your video on feeling like we're one mistake from ruin. That video describes feeling that a job is never done,, feeling that walking around would be an act of provocation and needing to look " on" all the time to appease the narcissist. I realized that the need to constantly look on leads to the need to always be thinking of and doing something, or just looking happy, and it really affects my concentration. And I do this when I'm alone. I've caught myself and stopped my happy go lucky bit and became totally somber and flat in my demeanor. I emptied my brain, telling myself I didn't need to be focused on any thoughts. The need to explain myself faded, as did the need to do everything now and faster. I was finally able to focus on simple things. When I get in that state of mind, it is so different from the anxious state of mine that has become my default after years of using it to protect myself.
Yes I know exactly what you mean! I’m constantly justifying myself to people and explaining myself in my head, and act/feel as if someone is watching all the time. It’s super hard to let go of
@@barkbarkbarkwoofbark Yes, it feels so subconsciously ingrained. I also have judgemental thoughts that pop up out of nowhere. I know it's partly from my parents. My dad would just spout random criticisms of people behind their back. I also think it's a way of self protection, judge others before they judge me and scanning the environment. If I tell MYSELF I'm okay, that I don't need to be perfect and it's okay for me to make mistakes, it quiets the inner dialogue down.
I have ocd, anxiety, depression, and executive dysfunction. I started Rx stimulants to treat suspected adhd as a cause of the ED. This skyrocketed my ocd to a debilitating level. Just a word of caution to anyone in the same boat. Caffeine can also do this by raising anxiety.
Interesting my daughter has OCD and she has always tried to stay away from caffeine.
I think it might also have to do with introjection and weak ego boundaries. “If I can’t be seen as a good person maybe I am wicked”. “If I am conscientious but the people I love keep calling me lazy maybe I am. I must make sure to do everything perfectly.”
SO INTERESTING! I have the heterosexual one and my dad is a narcissistic abusive alcoholic . he used to tell me that no guy would ever like me and I would never get a boyfriend. I got treatment for OCD but I never saw the connection until this video so weird.
Thanks so much Jay......You have described and explained my OCD symptoms and exact reasons why I do it......I just feel so relieved and completely understood by you....I've waited all my life to hear this.....GOD BLESS
Thanks for this video Jay! It is so validating to hear how you explained it. I had very intrusive thoughts and images pop into my mind during the abuse especially at the end, mostly very graphic and gory images of people being hurt in car accidents or being hurt by another person. It was very distressing and disturbing. It was at this time I stopped having dream recall, I think because my dreams were probably too disturbing. I am now moving into my 4th year of recovery and no contact. I am starting to recall my dreams again now. The intrusive images/thoughts stopped almost immediately after I escaped. I am grateful for that. It is possible to heal from this. It takes a lot of time, dedication and work, but recovery is possible.
As I move through "recovery," I'm attempting to not respond to the internal defenses that are trying to protect me from the truth of my experience. As I become more body anchored more emotional trauma is thrusting memories into conciousness that the OCD compulsions have been trying to keep at bay my whole life. I have reached an impasse in my recovery journey and my inner child is truly inconsolable at the mounting losses that are being identified. I'm getting more proficient at recalling images of my young self from old photographs, in meditation the images are capturing the boy I was stepping out/away from parents etc and moving in my direction for comfort/ support and connection. Normally shy, and sometimes running from me playfully. I was emeshed with a narrsasist parent/s, just my mother after my father abandoned me then took his own life when I was 23 years old. As an Adult man now I'm truly struggling with the effects of the abusive backstory and it's affect on my current life/functioning. 2 years no contact with narc mother now in her mid 70' s from whom I could take no more narrsasistic abuse. I had the disturbing realisation later on how she would attempt to capsize me with criticism/contempt and sarcasm out of pure spite/ to get supply. She's a bully. Repitiion compulsion drove me into relationships with people where the abuse was reinacted, to the degree that i' m having difficulties with my current therapist whom i' m ambivalent about due to my trauma history. The grief is immense. Most of the abuse is stored in the body memory
Scott, sending you some positive, healing thoughts ;-) What you are experiencing might be what is called the "memory flood." This happened to me in Jan. 2018 after I visited my now-divorced NPD parents in Florida at Christmas after not seeing them for 5+ years since I live in France. But I was the victim of a terrorist attack on 14 July 2016 and wanted nothing more than to see my family... Well, long story short, my dad had me in tears 3 or 4 times in just 3 days at his house and my mother ignored me completely unless she was criticizing everything I ate (since I bought a lot of Reese's peanut butter cups, Pop Tarts and other American treats that I haven't seen in 15 years in France LOL). Needless to say, it was an eye-opener and I came home and started researching what is wrong with them. Why they still treated me like a 5-year-old. As of 2018, I began extreme low contact and got hit with the memory flood. All these horrific memories of my dad beating me, my mom rolling her eyes (like she did at Christmas), it was overwhelming. Even from such a safe distance across the Atlantic Ocean. This story I am telling you just to let you know that it's gonna be rough for 3-6 months. Start to write all these memories down in a notebook to keep them organized. Chronological order helps. Fragments of bad memories will pop up, then you can flush them out into the whole story. Once they are written in great detail on paper, they tend to dissipate and take up less space in your brain. Read them out loud to your therapist. Even if he/she doesn't really get it, keep going. Find an EMDR practitioner. My EMDR sessions truly reset my brain after PTSD and realizing how much complex PTSD has been such a constant theme in my life.
As long as you are having contact with your abusers, they continue to create drama, chaos and gaslight you so your mind never gets calm enough to experience the "memory flood." Once you go No Contact for 6 months or more, it becomes very painful but you can more easily resist the urge to reply to them and stay on your healing journey.
@@firehorse9996 thanks
Thanks for sharing
@scott please check out Melanie tonia evans NARP program. My body was in immense pain. The program Saved me from suicide. I had narc mother and a narc partner. The one stop solution to heal. I promise. Check out her youtube channel quantum freedom healing process. ❤️
Thank you a trillion times over for these videos.
Also have a disfigured mind by alienation from narcissistic people insulting me and calling me extremely ugly and blowing things out of proportion then blaming me for being there at the wrong time and attacking me and my character until they're satisfied by eliminating my existence and manipulating people against me to feel better aboit themselves.
Thumbs up if anyone else can Relate.
Another informative video. Thanks, Jay! I can identify with all of the traits listed, but it never occurred to me that it was anything serious. I do suffer a bit from intrusive thoughts, it’s so random how it happens and is very difficult to shut out. Thankfully therapy has helped a great deal.
Thanks for sharing. Really admire you for getting therapy and I wish you well with your recovery xx
So very intelligent, thoughtful, eloquent, helpful. Thank you Sir.
Spectacular explanation!
Thank you man you nailed it right in the head. Grew up with abusive narcissistic oarents and my father ohysically assaulted me regularly as a child.
I felt and feel really guilty about these thoughts and sometimes feel like I have dissociative disorder because I am fighting these thoughts so hard that it can feel like im arguing with another person.
Thank you Jay Reid! You are really helping me! I am so grateful for your videos!
Can you do a video on agoraphobia and narcissistic abuse.
Thank you. Yesterday I spent hours trying to untangle a ball of yarn I bought while I am having trouble justifying to some of my relatives and to myself too the expense of so much hobby supplies being stored in my place.. While doing so I was aware of how much of a time waster it was however I kept on an on with it. While doing so I wondered for a brief moment if that was a sign I was falling into OCD.
I had to touch stuff 10 times because 10 was a good grade.. also, I tried to control my parents to make sure they wouldn’t argue or fight. I felt like I had the control over them. How they would act towards one another. Hoping they wouldn’t attack each other. Afraid that one would take a knife and stab the other. I felt so afraid. It was all ways in hoping that my abusive narcisstic father wouldn’t hurt me or mom or to try to keep the peace back then. It made me afraid. Especially the pressure to study. If my grades were not good enough for him. He would become abusive, yelling, screaming, putting me down. Making me feel I wasn’t good enough for him. And when I reacted to him “it’s never good enough for you” he became full of anger and instead of understanding my feelings and what I was trying to say that I wanted love and affection and appreciation, he rushed upstairs, threw me from the chair and threatened me that I shouldn’t talk to him like that. I felt so full of anger, hatred. Always had to fucking work for him, needing to achieve his high fucking standards and if I didn’t I got abused, felt unloved, uncared for and his physical violance was just hitting rock bottom. I hated him. I hated him so much. Eventually he did even more narcisstic abusive stuff towards me. He showed me a child from the concentration camp because I wasn’t eating enough.. he pushed me in drinking my first beer when he first didn’t wanted me to drink on my first party. I said I didn’t wanted it, and I kept saying no to him. He was controlling and abusive. Saying I was addicted to games and showed me newspapers, also people who have killed because of a game and saying I could become one as well or stuff like that.. saying like “yeah that person killed them” “and you know what, he/she was a gamer just like you, played also the same games” making me afraid that I would be one as well..
Also looking at a horror movie, me being very empathic towards a character and I wanted to hug him because he was scared but the killer killed him. And I didn’t understand why, it was so traumatic. And to understand I wanted to know why, I was very empathic and watched it kinda through the eyes of the killer himself. Making me feel afraid and stuff like I was him. Together with the narcisstic abuse, the hurt and the hatred I truly felt like I wanted to kill my father. Everyone who was so abusive towards me. And it made me feel afraid. Seeing the images in front of me and stuff. I got scarred. Thinking I was a bad guy and stuff. All mostly because I was being raised and abused by a narcisstic abusive parent.
I am so sorry you went through so much. My mother would constantly say I was cold hearted, evil, no love in me, that I was destroying her life, humiliating her and so on, since I was a little kid. All that while emotionally abusing me, on a more covert and manipulative way than your father. Now I find myself often thinking that I will "accidently" become a killer, cause great harm to others, that I will realize I was cruel and hurting innocent people, that I am extremely evil and just don't know it yet. Lots of intrusive thoughts with violence and cruelty, so in a way, I feel like I understand some of what you feel.
@@lalaw.1625 from what you are describing I would say that your mother is projecting her stuff onto you but it’s not you. But it does feel bad that she does this ofcourse. It’s important to have good self esteem. Love yourself and accept your feelings and emotions. State boundaries and change any critical talk or anything like that into supportive and loving talk. Standing up for yourself as well. And doing what is best for you. Say no to emotional abuse of any kind or abuse in general. You probably have a lot of anger and frustration but it’s not about you. It’s how you were treated. And that is just straight up true that you are angry for it. It’s righteous anger. So yes she projectes her stuff onto you but it’s not you or anything about you at all. Because someone else will treat you with love, care and kindness and will truly validate you how you should be valued
It’s really how we are being treated that make us think and feel stuff as well. So let people treat us good and do not accept anything bad. Walk away, have selfrespect and talk with enough healthy good people. These people do not change. They have a problem of themselves that you can’t do anything about at all. And their damage they cause is straight up the problems of themselves purely on others. Focus on you, build on yourself, feel, and stand up and leave if possible, if not, boundaries and healthy supportive people.
@@exodus_gaming5282 My contact with her is limited, thankfully, which has been allowing me to finally tap on the damage done and work my way through shadow work, healing. It is a long journey and demands lots of inner work for sure.
Every single word you said is true. They don't change, they don't regret it, and all we can do is heal and love ourselves the best we can.
@@lalaw.1625 indeed and it indeed looks like you are doing the inner work, me myself am doing it as well, one step at a time. It’s indeed a tough way to follow but it has to be done. These people hurt other people like us and that is just not okay in any shape, way or form. And it’s not about us but it’s all about them because any other person might just treat us right and it’s also up to us to show them how we want to be treated as well. And if not then they do not need to be a part of our lives.
@@exodus_gaming5282 I am happy to hear you are giving yourself the love and work you deserve. Each survivor that begin to thrive is a beacon hope.
Absolutely! If they can't respect boundaries they do not deserve a place in our lives.
Thank you Jay. It is all so helpful, especially when you repeatedly say parent or partner. I imagine for quite a few, it has been both. Also very helpful how you describe so concretely and point out its unconscious.
Wow, This is one of the best video's ever! I have always had real bad OCD being raised by narcissist parents. My parents where ultra religious and I not only had to please them but also a violent sky god of make believe. I developed "rituals" so that I could cope....
This abusive Christian god that they inflicted on me had to be pleased by doing rituals like praying for forgiveness 16 times in a row etc. I used lots of numbers in my OCD rituals to feel better... mostly even numbers. I might drink a glass of water and swallow 16 times [no more and no less]. I'd start obsessing over numbers as they started to represent a type of safety and appeasement for this sky god.
It got so crazy that this type of number obsession took many hours a day to complete, so that I could feel safe. I might spend an hour just counting to the number 16 over and over. Or arrange things to be the number 16 through division, adding and multiplication. My socks would be lined up in pairs of 4x4 to get to the blessed number 16. The change in my change jar was all divided into groups of 16. I would have to open and shut my bedroom door 16 times before bed. Then I would lay in bed and count to 16, but that was not good enough so I'd have to count to 16, 16 times in a row. I became a slave to numbers. Numbers were safe because my parents could not really attack them with the toxic shame that they inflicted through words and language.
Later in life I still have OCD, but I have changed it to be focused on making money through my artwork, since this is more practical than dumb rituals that don't make any money... I became an atheist just to escape the sky god. Yet I still feel an overwhelming sense of doom that is from my Seventh Day Adventist Christian upbringing.
@Tracker Pete Well good luck man, I'm 44 too. I doubt I'll ever stop the OCD behavior. I also have PTSD, so hypervigilance combined with OCD is really hard to live with. I tried lots of stuff over the years from different drugs to therapy and other stuff like meditation... Apathy seems to help me the most, yet its hard to be apathetic about the OCD thinking cuz its linked to survival in my mind. And since OCD is linked to my job and making money, now its really strongly linked to survival.
Produceman 13, reading your comment, I'm reminded of a YT video I watched recently about Billy Bob Thornton, he had a rough childhood, like all of us here, and has coped with by using numbers a lot as well. Might be worth watching but I don't have a link. Visit my channel here though if ya can, might find something to enjoy, I'm giving some advice from my own experience with childhood trauma from a narc and going No Contact over 10 yrs ago. Stay strong friend.
@Bok Choy SDA is a cult for sure. The main drivers are fear and toxic shame. Its a terrible combo to unleash... especially against kids that can't even reason yet.
@@TheBlackSheepDiaries Thanks, I just subscribed to your channel. I have gone no contact, but then I get sucked back in through guilt. I am a scapegoat for sure and have always felt like a fish outside of the family fishbowl, looking in.
My parents kicked me into the streets at age 15 and I have not had to live with them again. I tried to connect with them in adulthood and played the part of a prodigal son. But it didn't matter... I still was not good enough.
So now I'm roaming in the desert of the world again... just like the biblical scapegoat in old testament times. Scapegoat is a terribly lonely role as I tend to repeat this pattern in my relationships with others. I get blamed and then discarded for various foibles, never measuring up to the expectations of others.
@@produceman13 I feel ya my friend, it's the same here but I was forced out after calling out some bad behavior when they started trying to mess with my son, my only child. I've stayed single now too for more years than I care to admit, as that always gets screwed up for me too, one way or another. There's 2 I've got up here that pertain specifically to these matters you might like, Why I'm single, and Jailed at Hartsfield. But if you go back to the beginning video, Part 1 and especially part 2, you will really know why I'm here, and maybe not feel so alone in this struggle. I've also got a website out there linked in all videos if you like to read, I've written my story, and there's a lot there now. I'm a single dad and my now grown son helps me with all this, and we're pretty busy trying to stay afloat so I get stuff put up when I can. I ask for nothing, I'm just trying to help others in my last days with things I've learned the hard way, and maybe even bring a smile every now and then. Chin up my friend, we are the weary ones but we are stronger than many, boats against the current, so we beat on.
👍 I can relate to the last part of this video, “the fear in dread 😰 with the possibility of being hurt again”, and again, and again…
You are my support in therapy, concerning these issues‼️👍
Wow you are da man you know, and articulate perfectly thank God sent you here NAMASTE 👌💜
My ocd worsened being surrounded by narcissistic personalities as an adult, and being normalized to it or repeating it from my family of origin. I also developed epilepsy under stress, I am now working toward a safety plan and my therapist is so empowering when I need it most.
Thanks so much, gosh, scathing. I'm glad i'm old, many decades working on this, w/great therapists. Getting rid of delusions/denial sounds like a great idea. But when it happens, wow what emptiness. Analogy: when renovating a home, first we gut the place. Nothing is there, until the new is added. Nothing is there became the ongoing condition. All seems arbitrary. In recovrry we say 1 Day At A Time. How about 5 min @ a time, one breath @ a time. The obsession still exists in the brain, while the compulsion to act on it is derailed. Split screen existence. As crazy as that sounds & is, it's still an improvement over what was.
I know that feeling... the derailing feeling and impulsive OCD mind that takes over.
The narcs create alot of problems in my mind
@@dark7angel456 thank you!!💔
@@carlorizzo827 welcome.
I'm wondering when did you first start watching TH-cam for narcissist relief?
@@dark7angel456 let's see... Aug 2021 i began living w/no television, turned to youtube for new, entertainment, selfhelp. But the topic of narcissism caught my attention decades ago
@@dark7angel456 little misprint, news i meant
Wow, this is excellent and highly enlightening, thank you.
your channel helps me alot thank you!
ocd is no joke. i don’t have narc parents but they have a LOT of overlapping traits that affected me similarly. I’ve had ocd symptoms since I was a kid but after being in a relationship with a narc it got so much worse. As a kid a common theme was health concerns and after the relationship it turned to obsessions about harming people, being capable of love, and being a narcissist myself, to the point where i was hospitalized because I genuinely thought I’d kill my family.
I’m a ton better now but like you said I think it definitely stems from needing a form of control when you don’t have it w the abusers, combined w thoughts the abuser puts in your head of something being wrong with you. Also being in an alerted state all the time to please them.
Although with therapy my ocd isn’t as bad, I still have trouble being spontaneous. Do you or anyone in the comments have tips on that? Thank you for your amazing channel!!
I just wanna add to anyone still stuck with your abuser that it does get better. I didn’t even realize how on edge I was all the time until I got away and healed with someone loving, I never knew I could feel this calm or free.
This has been very illuminating Thankyou ✌🏻
❤ these videos . This is the only thing i can feel good about tbat understands my complex and complicated issues that arent my fault.
Lots of narcissists in my life
😮😮😮😮 I had no idea this was a symptom of narcissistic abuse and ive never heard anyone describe these as examples of OCD. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
This is incredible, doc! Very healing and informative.
ive found myself very cut off from my spontaneous expression... specifically connected to me creating art :( trying to recover it. how does one do that?
Be creative start with something small then build on it, look up ideas on pinterest, youtube that interest you and try, take a class. The only failure is not attempting.
Thanks Jay
I struggle w ocd clean freak its literally come to the point where its very difficult to focus on things i need to do if my house or my environment is messy i obsess over it also don't like having alot of things so i try to get rid of 1 to 2 items every day minimulist ,most people say its "good thing" & it is but not when i obsess over it. Also body dismorphia i feel that if im not physically in shape that i can not be taken seriously or worthy of being liked & or loved
I've determined that the golden child is most susceptible to OCD symptoms. This is because they willingly deny the truth. Typically the scapegoat faces the issues head on and is less susceptible. I'm more prone to ruminate, I believe this is trauma influenced from my borderline mother and covert enabling narcissist father.
My older sister who is the golden child is obsessive about nutrition. My mom has been overweight since we were small children and of course we were told a lie that her weight issues were someone else's fault. Growing up my mom fixated on food and being slim, she continues to fixate on food to this day. Food and nutrition is discussed like a hobby between my mom and two sisters. It was expected that me and my two sisters would be fit since it was shameful to be fat. My older GC became somewhat obsessive about food. She not only restricted the type of food she could eat but would also shame me for my food choices. An example of this was me and my brother flew in for my GC sister's graduate school graduation. We were staying in at my sister's home for the long weekend. My sister expected me and my brother to eat her limited diet of gluten free frozen meals and eggs. Since my brother and I were hungry after the first couple of meals I went to the grocery store and bought deli meat and other staples such as bread so my brother and I could make ourselves a sandwich. My sister looked upset when she saw I bought groceries. A couple days later my brother flew back and I stayed an extra day to spend time with my sister. She was mean to me all weekend and unleashed her furry once my brother could not be a witness to her real personality that she only lets me see. She picked a fight with me and then accused me of "you brought poison into my house!". Astonished at this accusation I asked her what she meant. She responded with "you brought bread into my house, you brought poison!". Even a sandwich could make her have this visceral reaction. I believe she was angry because she secretly wanted the sandwich but it went against her compulsion to restrict her food.
I think you are onto something there. I was the golden child in my family, and I suffered OCD all my life. I am sixty four now. Before six, I use to try and stay still and quiet as much as possible so that i didn't incur my mother's wrath.
But I always felt I was bad, and would be going to hell. In the back of me was always this side trying to get out. Till fifteen, I expderience them as pure Ocd, without the rituals.
I was mostly away from her from six to fourteen, when I lived at ny grandmother. When I came back to live with her, within nine months I developed full blown OCD, now with rituals and depression. Was hospitalized.
All my life I havesuffered OCD so I could cope with imperfection.
I know somene else who developed anorexia. everyone expected her to be perfect. I see children who have the load of being perfect in their parents eyes carrry the impoosible burden by developing some form of mental illness. So, yes, I believe the golden child is the one likely to get OCD. Good insight!
Wow. That is my sister- the golden child. She quit drinking milk and would be disgusted that I put cream in my coffee. She doesn’t eat gluten, and would get bothered that my mom and I would want to eat bread while at her house. She is obsessed with being thin, and is always doing fad diets. I even remember being 19 and drinking a soda in front of her and she looked at me with disgust and said, “You are drinking all your calories.” Mind you, I was in perfect shape at 19. Not overweight in the slightest and very happy with my body.
I'm sorry you suffered this severe abuse from your father. Where was your mother in all this? Did she claim to be a victim too. Watch out for the covert narcissist pulling the strings hiding behind a borderline like your father.
I'm sorry about your niece. I'm sure your brother used food to control her. My sister has no children, but I think she would deploy the same controlling tactics.
Annette, I'm so sorry your only way to survive was to strive for impossible standards the narcissist mother set. Notice the mother is always exempt from the rules she enforcers. I was the scapegoat because I would challenge my mom on her impossible and double standards.
I've heard the fate of the golden child is much worse than the scapegoat. The golden child is never allowed to be themselves and they observe the punishment that is dolled out when they don't conform.
I hope you are free from your mother. If she's still alive it's not too late to go no contact. She doesn't deserve sympathy just because she got old. You don't owe her anything... if anything she had decades of overtime because her abuse never stopped.
L C, I think your sister is jealous of you. Here she is depriving herself and you're living your life looking good. She had to punish you, therefore she had to make that remark to shame you. I've since come to learn it is called "Toxic Shame". When the narcissist transfers their shame onto someone else, usually the scapegoat. My sister would also give me a look of disgust if she disapproved of something. She also claimed to have a gluten intolerance and would dramatically have an immediate headache if something had gluten in it. Her and my mom were always doing fad diets too. She used food to control her environment and had no problem shaming those around her if they doing follow the same diet.
Thank you
I experienced Harm OCD because of the narcisstic abuse. And it made me feel afraid that I wanted to attack him so I try way too much to control my mind, feelings and reactions. Which is not good but it made me afraid that if I would react who knows what would happen with me. As well as with my narc emotional abusive ex. I had it 1 time when it became really bad.
Both my parents were/is sociopaths and I have OCD. I was given the role of less than any other human, insane and retarded, and "everybody" was told this. And also the OCD backed up their projections, because my OCD is intrusive in social situations. It still backs up my collective and almost national role (by now) . What you is saying is spot on!
Jay please try to use a microphone, the sound is full with reverb
Thank you! So helpful!
Right on Jay.
Interesting. Kind of like being a mouse in a wheel. Hmm. The pressure to be perfect.
This should be a good one.
Thanks much, Jay! A number of years ago, I read a couple books by Jeffrey Schwartz, MD, on OCD (and the 4-step process he has used to very good effect with many sufferers) but his work focused more on resolution of external-type compulsions than on the nature of the intrusive thoughts. (I'd highly recommend his work to anyone who suffers from OCD.) This video and the mental-compulsions angle is very helpful. Based on this definition of intrusive thoughts, I will be better prepared to deal with them! Actually, if you think about it, narcissism itself is probably a form of OCD! How much of it is the result of attempting to silence the anxiety resulting from an internal voice saying, 'I'm worthless'?
I have VERY BAD OCD!!
I wash my hands too much.
Constantly stressed if i dont impulsive something.
MY family TRIGGERS MY OCD.
Im scared of my familys lack of empathy.
I will never trust many people.
I think the best ocd after narssistic abuse has to do lost of identity and sever self doubt even about the sexual identity
Yes to the severe self doubt.
I never tried to figure out those around me.. just got a gut feeling about something that had to do with the way they act or react when interacting with them.. family is the hardest we make exceptions which become impressions that we tend to act on avoid. Freeze, not engage or address for reasons of keeping the peace and in the end we have to sort a lot out... especially when someone else offers or supplies the same trouble such as in the workplace...
And they usually do it to manipulate you or get the most out of you... its a shame to have to put up with when co workers and supervisors are abusive, manipulative and threatening while you are going overboard to keep your job and keep things going smoothly in your understaffed poorly staffed department.
These small town I live in has people that deliberately trigger me and constantly monitor what I do and think to have control over me.
I always have a lot of predators end parasite people preying on my life and my mind so it's hard to work around them because they feel like a big chain is dragging down my mental health..😢
Their humor triggers me into suicidal thoughts.
But i stay aware to combat their attempts to trigger me too far in.
Could you talk about more manifest forms of OCD please, like how to help people who have to check everything in their flat is off and closed like 10 times before they are able to leave or people with food poisoning OCD?
When I was in preschool, I tried many compulsive behaviors to prompt my mother to love me. The last was extremely dangerous. I reasoned that if I walked around the rim of the bathtub multiple times, somehow she would love me. I don’t remember how many days or weeks I persisted in this bizarre practice, but it is a wonder I did not kill myself or at least break my back. The bathroom floor must have been littered with the pinion feathers of legions of angels.
Yup.
its a fact no other channel mentioned
Yes you're so right... I've got a lot of OCD 'habits'.. as a result...
often the person with OCD ALSO is a narccissist
Four doughnuts on a plate, one of which is not perfectly aligned with the pattern embossed on the dinnerware set. It must be nudged into place. Yep, it's a real thing. 🤣
Have you experienced OCD? You describe from a place that one has experienced?
Thank you 💗
Ugh, I hate diagnostic categories and so-called ‘disorders.’ So unsubtle. So abusive in the hands on the American psych-industrial complex. But I love these videos.
Tic tac
I’ve been watching other specialists on narcissism for years and it has been extremely educational and helpful to me personally. I found your channel today and enjoy your presentations, however I am offering some critique, if I may. Listen to yourself and count the times you say the words “like, sorta and kinda. It is very distracting and weakens the message. In a sentence in one video I listened to today you use one of these with the word unequivocally.
I'm not heterossesual I AM HOMOSSEXUAL
What American *can* control the content of their mind? 🤷🏻♂️
Thank you.
Thank You