The videos I make are topics suggested by you the viewer. Feel free to suggest any mental health or psychology subjects you'd like me to cover in future videos. Just a reminder though, these videos are not a substitute for support from a mental health professional.
Hi, I would love something about how a parent can help children who have a narcissistic parent (acknowledging that both parents likely unhealthy). Much appreciated.
Why is it so hard? All humans make error. Why can’t they just say so? Why do they blame even when it’s something trivial???? It’s not going to kill them to say oooops my bad I messed up I apologize. I’ll try harder next time or anything along those lines but they can’t. They won’t die admitting a fault!!! I don’t GET IT
@@Megdracula That's because the "false self" is perfect, and "infallible." Narcs do NOT have an "ego" in the fully developed sense, and the vast majority of them discarded their "inner child" (self and soul... due to abuse, neglect and/ or entitlement) between the ages of 3- 9, before the real self emerged as an individualized, EGO. They are looking for attention, validation and to "indoctrinate you, into their world..." then gradually pass the "baggage baton," and later ultimately DISCARD YOU, after transforming "the other" into what they then view as: "the NARC." Unless they are (close) family, MOVE ON on and go "No Contact," or they WILL make you increasing more "like them," because it's literally an all- pervasive, mind, body and soul, parasitism. (i.e. "Emotional vampire," succubus!) And they'll take it, to the grave. (Do NOT change...)
That is called being selfish, not narcissistic. Two completely different things but unintelligent people just seem to conflate the two and combine a cluster of negative personality traits and label them as "narcissism" to sound smart on TH-cam.
After catching my now ex wife texting with a guy she confessed to me about multiple affairs she had over the course of our 5 year marriage. Two days later while my world was falling apart she told me she wasn't going to feel bad about it anymore, that she had forgiven herself. Even after everything I've learned about narcissism it's still difficult to wrap my head around this behavior. It's just straight up evil.
I had to laugh, sorry, i know it was painful for you. My narc ex told me ge was taking me off his medical insurance after i was diagnosed with breast csncer and needed surgery. I had to laugh because i always paid all my medical bills myself, even though i had no insurance. It was in y face evidence he was uncaring and more worried about his premiums than my health.
He always made the decisions even though he never let me know until hed done them. Hows that for superiority complex? He hated my cat but waited til i was out of town to have the cat euthanized. Horrendous
The most surreal thing having been in a relationship with a covert narcissist was that she couldn't get her head around that I had had a meaningful life before I met her. It was like to her my life only began when I was an extension of her. It was like before then I had been an ethereal being only becoming flesh when I met her. Other people doing brilliant things outside of her, she just could not comprehend. It was the same speaking about my life before I met her. Met with complete incomprehension. Unless of course I mentioned another girlfriend. Then the jealousy would go off the scale, even when I hadn't heard or seen of that girlfriend for decades. As I say. Surreal.
I can identify... my Mrs couldn't get her head around me continuing with any of my interests that I had before we met... like my life was now a blank page to written with whatever she deemed important to her and no one else
My narc ex talked as if he hatched me out of an egg even though I was almost 30 when we met. Unless I had an experience with him, it never entered his mind that I had already had that experience in the past. And this could apply to some incredibly common things.
This is the best description I have ever heard. I have researched this personilty type thouroughly. I lived it for 3 years, confused af. This video should be in every classroom in America, his explanation is 💯. The torture of being abused by a narcissist, not knowing that this type of personality exsist, caused me to suffer much. They try to make you their slave, in many ways. They are only selfish, disloyal, stupid, destructive and chaotic. RUN fast, it's like committing spiritual suicide staying with them.
Living in the moment... I knew a narc that would say anything to look good in the moment. "I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that." But never followed through. It was forgotten as soon as the moment passed. If challenged they would give you the death stare or say "I never said that."
Yeah, I had a friend who would tell the stupidest lies and constantly contradicted himself. I thought it was his ADD, but now I think he is just a narc. I dumped him.
You're the first person who I've seen touch on how a narcissist wants to be seen as the alpha. Most people talk about narcissists wanting control, which I suppose is what alphas want, however, the way a narcissist goes about getting control is so messed up. I have no problems with a good leader, however, the way a narcissist leads is downright pathetic and over time their lack of leadership will take any organization, or family down. Initially, their false confidence fools people into thinking they are a leader, and only after some time do people spot how it's all about the narcissist. Unfortunately, by the time most realize what is going on the narcissist has become well embedded and is difficult to cut ties with.
Great video, very good overview of what makes them tick. “There’s a difference between a change in a person and a change in tactic”. That is a great statement. They don’t learn to be a better person, only a better manipulator!
My ex-wife argued with my father who was a MD many times about health topics and she talked like she was the better MD - but she wasn‘t a MD at all. Everybody on the table scratched their heads.
My friend's ex wife insisted on going into the doctors with him and tried to tell the doctor what was wrong with him... Always wrong of course! Crazy, nasty humans
Excellent description of my mother and ex-husbands...they made me feel like a whipped dog. I am aware and free from these people now, thank you Darren F Magee for exposing these abusive behaviors
That's why I'm single. No repeat of my own mother. Had to walk again and again. Just left one again. They love us....its brutal. I believe there's an energy.
Once again, this describes my father 100%. I had to live through 42 years of narcissistic abuse which constantly made me question my sanity. Finally I can put a name to the abuse and start my journey towards recovery.
What I have noticed about narcissists, is that they have a list of rules, but those rules don't apply to themselves. And if you tell them that, they will change to topic and accuse you of something. Even things that happend years ago. Or if they don't get what they want of someone, then they will try to make other people get angry at that person, pit them against each other.
Darren is spot on! Having worked with these type of toxic individuals and being related to one it is right on the money! If you look at the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders) and you read the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder it is somewhat difficult for some Psychologists to translate it into laymen's terms if they have not personally experienced this grinding, relentless, mentally and physically exhausting behaviour which breaks you down in slow fragments. Hi from Australia, and as a Registered Psychologist thru AHPRA!
Spot on Darren. Narcisists are like Terminators from the movie, they won’t stop until they get what they want and once they get it they destroy it to get an excuse for pursuing the next target. And the phrase: I have made up my mind and don’t confuse me with the facts descibes them perfectly well.
That “connection level“ was absolutely spot on👍🏼 No matter how many years you spend with them your connection is always extremely weak and fleeting at best.
This is hitting everything from my experience. It is unreal to find yourself with these kinds of people. The biggest irony I am finding among some of the victims I know, is that they never figured out the problem was Narcissism or they are still in denial about the abuse they report. I have watched people gaslight themselves or totally glaze over the facts that they present to me. The narcissist is the elephant in the room that they talk about, but won't quite point out.
@@Proud-Obese-unhealthy-American The narcissist gaslights and manipulates people, thats exactly what they do to their victims. Cognitive dissonance is real among victims...that doesn't make them narcissists or crazy, nor does it imply that Im calling victims narcissists. Victims are confused and many don't know what narcissism is or its terminology. It's called being in "the fog". Seeing Narcissism for what it is doesn't make you a narcissist but every person who discovers narcissism can then understand the tactics used on them. But most, if not many are not looking for a mental disorder... victims or narcissism will blame themselves, make excuses, or still live within that cognitive dissonance when the situationship subsides.
4:52 The sort of person who wets the bed and blames the blanket, or blames their victim for not telling them to go to the bathroom before going to sleep - have you met my ex lol?
If only more people understand the inner dynamics of how a narcissist thinks and behaves…. This would be revolutionary! I think the door is now opening to their illness and how it affects those around them … 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Great work! “Discern the difference between a change in behavior and a change in tactic”. Spot on! If the narc changes to play nice, they just want something. That’s all, then they’ll change to their usual self again. - Can a narc change long term? Yes (in theory), and I suppose a caterpillar could change into a kangaroo, just don’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.
I am shocked to see someone mouth my own words.. Everything i journaled is pretty much the same as What I hear from you.. Thanks a ton for validating my feelings. I am gona save this video for reassurance whenever in doubt.. Ur videos have helped us a lot. Thanks a ton
After waking up from a bad case of brainwashing by an alcoholic monster and finally understanding what he was doing to me, I truly appreciate the sense of humour. Before I met him, I was always lauhging and joking with my friends, I would go to work singing every day…I had a life, and it was wonderful. I am slowly recovering pieces of me and finding humour in the ridiculous world of this evil narcissist makes me feel better, and look forward to the day when I break free…(YEs, I do sing Queen’s song while I’m hoovering!). I have been calling him the AA, (the alcoholic as****e) just secretly, to myself. The Terminator analogy made me chuckle. It remind me of when I first started to feel like I was healing and every time I heard him explode with rage at… whatever…I would sing to myself AC/DC’s song “TNT” to get the edge off and stop him from dragging me to his hell ...Hell’s Bells! :-)Thank you very much.
This explanation is very helpful. I have been with a malignant narcissist for 46 years. He thinks someone’s going to change me so he can be happy. Change me to what? Back to trauma bonded, of course.
15:02 'Discern the difference between the change in a person and the change in a tactic' So right. I so wish I'd known this back when I was constantly being guilted into staying and giving another chance by both my mother and later my (now) ex-wife. What about children of narcissistic parents? What happens to them when they grow up?
They often either become narcissistic themselves or become codependent which sets them up for a lifetime full of narcissistic relationships. Ask me how I know…
That last part about the covert narc just hit me like a sucker punch!! They thrive on you fussing over them!! O, my God! That is their supply! And the fussing is never good enough! When I confronted him with this he said: “Are you giving up on me?” Making it look like it was my responsibility to change him or wait for him to change. And I bought it hook, line and sinker! Looking back on it, it was all pretty pathetic!! So glad I am out of it!! But this video is a very good summary of what is really going on inside their head.. they would never admit to it but it becomes obvious after a while...
This is spot on. Very well explained. Best I’ve seen! I just happened to see this channel by accident. I immediately subscribed; everything he has explained I have witnessed.
Narcissists are VERY DECEIVING; because they, themselves are so trapped in DECEPTION!! And IF you DO NOT have DISCERNMENT; you can EASILY be DECEIVED by them! THANK YOU, SIR, for posting these videos! They have been VERY INFORMATIVE; and have helped ASSIST ME in having MORE understanding of what my YOUNGEST SON has to ENDURE for the sake of getting to spend time with the one who MEANS MOST TO HIM, HIS SON!
Sometimes they exhibit both covert and overt rage. When their masks unknowingly gets taken down then they change their tactics to outright abuse verbally and emotionally irregardless of them knowing your past pain! Complete evil behaviors.
Hi, Darren! I'm so glad I ran across this 4-year-old video of yours. You cracked a few smiles and seemed at ease, even a bit friendly. This made me feel like I was sitting there with you. So that's nice, you know? But you may be too handsome for that, especially with your awesome accent😯! Some of your female patients could surely use a new friend... it's a good thing I'm in the USA.☺️
Absolutely right. Before I retired I was a successful Commercial Manager with an annual budget of £4,500,000. My ex wife and I took over a Preschool business (it was her dream) and would she listen to me about managing the finances. NO. But hey although she had no business experience at all she knew better than me. The outcome: A Preschool that had been going in the local Community for 30+ years was destroyed. But hey its not her fault. She was / still is, Never Wrong & Never Sorry just like her horrible Mother. 6 months after the closure of the school she started cheating with an obvious lowlife downgrade. I confirmed that was the case left her and divorced her. I make the joke about my wife: If My wife drove her car into a tree; it would be the tree's fault.
I find myself looking for signs in new people I am developing relationships with. Anytime the scales tip to a lot more take on their end, I cut it off, no matter how charming or vunerable the person seems. I'm wondering if I am in over-reactive mode, but I just don't geniunely have it in me to be the bottomless pit of giving anymore.
Magnificent explanation of what I've been living with! Thank you for your videos. This one's a keeper. It will remind me that I'm not imagining things. Someone else knows and sees what a narcissist is, even though the Flying Monkeys who protect my husband cannot understand who they are protecting. Thank you again, for making these videos. It really helps to know that someone understands what it is.
You are right on. I turned my karate school over to my head student in order to save the school. My husband would proclaim that I (Masteraster) didn't know what I was doing and everyone must listen to him. My head students would just laugh behind his back. COVED forced the school to close. My students are always happy to see me and I still enjoy their company.
Having a narcissistic grown-up daughter is an excruciating pain, when you have barely survived the malignant narcissism in a family member before. It also carries a stigma, because it's extremely difficult to find support. First of all, because narcissists are so good at isolating you while providing others with a perfect image of themselves and a totally wrong image of you. Second, because when you really feel like opening up and sharing what you're going through with someone, they first thing they tell you is that it must be your fault and that you must be the abusive parent that they are rebelling against. It's so hard and extremely confusing. I wonder if you could help us parents who have done their best in a difficult situation, sometimes having to protect the child from an abusive ex partner, and ending up become the adult child's scapegoat. I always feel like I could go no contact with anyone, but that I still have to stand by my daughter. However, I cannot deal with the abuse anymore.
You aren’t required to let abuse happen to you. It doesn’t matter if it’s your daughter. You are allowed to cut that tie for your own well being. That being said it is hard to believe that your child just came out that way and your parenting had nothing to do with it. It’s possible on rare occasions but most people are shaped by their childhood. 🤷🏻♀️
@@aujuliawod I never said that parenting had nothing to do with it, although I now tend to believe that there may be a genetic side to the personality. Her father left me when I was pregnant and then wanted to come back, but also made it clear that he would not pay any money for child support. He harassed me for years until the case went to court and I won. I do believe that part of the problem also comes from the attempted parental alienation by the father. I wish she could realize and seek therapy, but narcissist rarely do. It's painful, but for the moment, I don't know what to do.
The person i was with i often said he was “combative” never understood why everything was so difficult and would lead to arguments and rages . Minor things that were truly insignificant. He once screamed at a server because his pretzel was cold. He was entitled , to treat people poorly, because he was successful. Employees, waitstaff, etc. i always found myself apologizing for him.
When you say they accuse you are everything they do THIS is correct. I learned this about a year ago with my husband. He stopped going to therapy because he didn't like what the therapist told him. It's very tiresome and a total waste of time and life and if these people ONLY realized how happy they COULD BE if they left ALL the BS behind perhaps they would.
Darren F. Magee: I haven't seen any Narcissist do this in front of a 3rd person. So it's safe to say they only do it to their supply which is their Victim, their only Victim?
My narcissist fiancé told me she had Dive Rescue training at a level I was bewildered by. I remember thinking she was far beyond my abilities. Now she told me this when I told her I was the Captain in charge of The Louisville Fire Department Dive Rescue Team. I look back on similar moments and realize how full of crap she was every time she one upped me.
What I can never figure out is what my narcissistic sibling thinks he is winning by pushing others away from him due to his cruel behavior. He does not lead a successful life, and has always been dependent on others to support him. He gets in a rage over minor issues, and blows them out of proportion. His behavior is very strange.
I suffer the same from mine. Everything is everyone's fault never his. His life has become chaotic, he takes no responsibility and feeds off drama always needing saving. Also responds with rage, threats, threats of suicide and more. But to the outside world is charm personified.
I was so lucky because I knew the minute I told him I was leaving he’s got so much pride that then he was done with me too. I publicly explained on a day that he was riding high on an ego trip. It was so cool because he couldn’t deny the multiple mess ups.
This is so accurate of my ex husband that I’m shaking my head in agreement to everything you just described. It’s unreal how you explained all of his characteristics so well! 👍
Oh my goodness!!! This information is exactly spot on & what I Need because my Daughter-In-Law is!!! My Son is belittled pretty well daily, she is explosive! Re-writes always, mis-wording to her advantage!!! I will send to my Son who lives states away with my grandchildren 😢
Once again thank you... YOU hit the nail on the head.... my ex-girlfriend. 💯 percent.. I thought I was just me... She wouldn't try counseling to help our relationship..she is always right and cut off my conversation with her.. She had to be the Alpha... THANK YOU..
Very valuable content. Thank you. The double standard is unreal in those seeped in entitlement. In my experience, they have bad boundaries, intentionally. As you illuded to in a previous video: they mistake kindness for weakness. They view your value as something they can take and abuse without any conditions or terms, and will even act like you owe it to them. The complete disrespect of others time and value, yet the double standard is often demanding "respect" through bullying or manipulative tactics. Which if examined, one doesn't get respect by force or trickery. Compliance, perhaps, or getting their way temporarily, as you mentioned with having the last word, but it is a shallow/ material-level addiction often to power or control. Which is why it seems they are never satisfied, they are addled to trying to exert over others.
I dumped a narc friend so many times and tried again so many times, but all the narc noted and mentioned was how many times over the decades that I dumped him. Well my thing is if I hadn’t tried so many times with him, I wouldn’t have had to dump him. It would have been only once. But my trying again and again just went unnoticed. That tells me just like you said, they are never at fault.
Very good. Thank you. I have one suggestion. At the end, instead of saying the Narcissist says, "I've made my mind up. Don't confuse me with facts," say that (s)he says, "I've made my mind up. Don't annoy me with facts."
I've been through a gamut of emotions as I learn more about the narcissist I married than I ever learned while I was with him. And yet I was experiencing SO many of the tactics in these topics. In my processing of those hellish days of living with a bipolar covert narcissist, I experienced textbook abuse that I didn't identify because I saw the world through my own scope and I couldn't reconcile that abuse coming from someone who could also seem so attentive and loving, at times. Once you understand their motivation is manipulation and NOT real love (real love cares about your wellbeing and they do not) then everything else makes sense. I've heard all of this stuff before. I used to feel like it didn't apply to me even though he checked all the boxes, because he had a "good" side too. I've been a fool for too many years already. Thank you for making these videos, it's like the lights have been thrown and I am seeing so many things I already "knew", in that new light
I always chortle and wince when I watch your vidieos. Here's one from my mother's greatest hits: "You know, I've been thinking about the situation. I've been thinking very deeply, and, you know, I'm right."
I feel like there's a level below the beliefs that have been covered in this video. I suspect a deep feeling of inadequacy often (maybe always) underpins a lot of a narcissist's demonstrated beliefs. I suspect this is a reason who narcissists often have been raised by a narcissisitc parent.
perhaps you've done this video already, but I am looking very hard for a video regarding dealing with the aftermath of being raised by a narcissist or in a relationship with a narcissist. I am extremely clear that my victimizer was/is a narcissist. I've removed that person from my life. Now I'm trying to deal with the aftermath of bad behaviors I learned from them, and also dealing in a healthy manner with the anger and pain that results from their abuse. Thank you.
Hello and thank you for your question. I have made videos on roles in narcissistic families, the affects and have recently started putting videos out on recovery. Have a look at my playlists hopefully you’ll find what you need, if not I’ll be happy to make one more specifically.
Can you do a video on recovery time. I was entangled with a covert for 18 years. Been 13 months of complete removal. Do feel very much better, but still quite effected.
Thank you for your suggestion I will do 👍 In the meantime, you mentioned 18 years with a covert. I made a video recently on narcissistic abuse syndrome which might help you understand what you’ve been experiencing for the past 13 months. I will say though recovery is a process. Be kind to yourself and thanks again for the suggestion
Thank you! The sum of their belief "I have made up my mind. Do not confuse me with facts." This to me is so true, at the same time very tragic. If you are in a settlement battle after he divorces you for setting up boundaries, get all the facts and evidence. You will need the judge to settle the case, as he will constantly lie, move the goal posts and try to bankrupt you emotionally and financially. Isaiah 41:10-13.
I wanted to take a pre-emptive crack at the question: I would say that they believe that everyone else's agendas - including thoughts, feelings, preferences, goals and and plans - are to be defined by however they happen to feel.
the weird thing with narcissist: you will never notice that they do not look you eye to eye, there is always the absence, like there is no soul living in that body, even in public, because if you see through, they loose just look in the eyes of the narcissist, there is nobody home
You did a good job separating the fantasy we have about them and the reality. They are very hard to spot. I have seen world experts such as Dr. Ramani unwittingly get into professional alliances with covert narcissist here on TH-cam
The "helping fields" are full of (covert) narcs. Anywhere they can bamboozle and "power play" people, from children to the elderly, they do flock... like the parasitic energy vampires, they all are. And likewise, in psychology and psychiatry. (Many narcs have psych degrees, to advanced mind control and manipulation techniques training... and are in "politics, to religion.") My eighty year old mother is in an "independent living" place in California that is FULL OF these people. (From the former director, to several employees and a disproportionately HIGH percentage of the 100ish residents... many families want nothing to do with, later on.) Since the advent of TV, Hollywood, and public indoctrination while both parents work outside of the home... there has been an EXPLOSION in (intentionally) "institutionalized and collectivized," narci- schism. (From academia, to the corporate environment.)
Wow! I'm glad I found you ❤ You've answered allot of questions and people I've dealt with who I cutoff recently.. I cannot believe what I am hearing. I never heard of gaslighting before. This is amazing and freeing. Dealing with someone now like that. Unfortunately I'm trying get my personal property back and close doors 🚪
I really enjoyed learning about my family with this video. Seems like you know them and their tricks. I’ve had to remove my narcissistic tendencies. They don’t work when you’re trying to have healthy relationships. I am have learned from the best… but I’m very committed to being a better person & want my loved ones to have a wonderful experience being around me. However, I almost spit out my water with the last trait…don’t bother me with the facts, I’ve already made up my mind. Gosh do you know my mother! 😂 Thank you for providing such a great community service.
Narcissistic people are never wrong or culpable. So many rules about the way that they must be treated, but they can treat you like trash with not as much as a thought for common decency.
About 6-7 years back i got bullied out of a job and was su*cidal for 18 months as a result, and all my father did was kick me whilst i was down continuously by gaslighting, defamation of character and is still doing it to this day, and when i told him i was su*cidal (big mistake), all he was bothered about was the funeral costs, he never comforted me, gave me advice or anything like that, just criticism and flipped it around so he was the victim somehow and that i am a bad person. I am not saying i am an angel, but i do not see myself as a bad or evil person because i would never cause harm or distress to another human being if i can help it. The only way that would happen is if they hurt a family member, but i would not do it as far as myself is concerned. We ended up having an unrelated blazing row months later in front of one of his friends (so bear in mind this is someone who's mind he has poisoned against me for years), so i pulled him up on it, and told him straight. "Do you remember when i was su*cidal and all you was bothered about was the £7500 funeral costs?", and all his replay was "N-N-No. It's because of all the people you will have left behind". You could clearly see he was making it up on the spot just to save his fake image that he has carefully crafted his entire life. So i instantly called him out on it saying, "You lying b*stard. I cannot believe you have just lied to me in front of my face when i know the truth". His friend never said a word and i bet he did not believe me either, but i would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during the next conversation they had. One of the things he absolutely hates about me is i can see right through him for who he truly is, but not many people can and they never listen to me which is frustrating to say the least, because he has poisoned so many minds to turn them against me so they believe him and not me. In July of this year i have been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder at 43, and one of the things i have realised is i have clear documented clinical proof, that his perception of me could not be more wrong, but what can you do from 25+ years of defamation of character and gaslighting to get people to believe you? I had tried for 3 months just to get him to read my Autism diagnosis, so he can get an insight into who i am and what makes me tick. All i get is excuses like, "I will soon", or "i haven't got the time". I have given up on that now, because what is the point? I do not want to force anybody to do something that they do not want to, it is not in my nature, never has been, never will. It's just sad my own father is such an a*shole that he won't even fulfil a simple request from his own son. It's kind of sad if you think about it. I have recently been threatened with weapons on 2 occasions (a shovel and an extension bar for a ratchet), so i gripped him by his coat and then i was called out for assault by him. I just cannot win, but i will never back down, because what would that make me if i do? Bear in mind my father is now 70 and he is a hate filled, bitter, twisted individual that i just cannot tolerate any longer, but i am living in his house so he flexes this power over me to try and win arguments for which he is in the wrong. I am kind of glad in a way that i am Autistic, because i do not think a Neurotypical person could manage this mental abuse and torture for the length of time i have. I think it would break most people, but somehow i can endure it. Now i have my diagnosis i am getting a lot of help and support so i can stand on my own 2 feet and be away from this death-grip he has on me. I am looking at getting my own place early next year, and when i am gone, i will stay gone and he will never hear from me ever again. And when i told him this, he just does not care, he just looks at me like i am some piece of sh*t that does not deserve anything good in life, whereas he is the epitome of moral superiority. I have done a lot of research over the last 2 years (I am Autistic, so believe me it is a lot), and i am now convinced he is a vulnerable narcissist. I think the reason i am writing this is because i need some advice so i can move on with my life, not necessarily to be happy, but just to stop feeling trapped and helpless and then go from there.
I laugh occasionally at some of what you say, because some of it sounds humorous, yet at the same time I know it's true. Another thing I marvel at (as a lady) is how patient and understanding you are as a man. For me, that really presents for me a better view on men. I know that sounds awful and I'll probably get jumped on by people for saying it; but it really does! It helps me see that there are men who are not short tempered or impatient and I really appreciate that. Because you couldn't have understood all you share in these videos without those qualities of patience and a willingness to understand. Not saying that a lot of women aren't short tempered and impatient, they are: but my *experience* has been its mostly a male thing. It's really helpful seeing that. By the way, how come you know so much on the topic of narcissism Darren? It's so insightful these videos. It helps me understand certain people in my life and takes away to some degree the hurt and confusion I feel from their treatment of me. This is like Wow!
Thank you for your kind feedback and I’m glad you find the videos helpful. To answer you question, as with all the topics I cover it comes from research and a mix of both professional and personal experience when outlining common behaviours
Very good video. My experience of course reflects much what you have to say. The one thing that he did tell me once or twice. It's rare. When he doesn't engage in narcissistic behavior, he feels like he doesn't exist. The rises and the reactions that he would extracted from me was bottom line, actually intended to enable him to feel alive. My husband had little or no sense of self. That's why he manipulated and did all the things he did.
Actually, one thing to also put emphasis on is the fact we were all born narcissists. We learned things and developed empathic traits between the age of 0 and 9. That's why we turn into non-narcissist adults. Narcissists were often raised in an environment where they had their control taken away from them. If the child is put in an abusive situation where he/she is unable to defend him/herself they may develop a defense mechanism that causes them to always need to be in control. Everything the narcissist does is to: a) control people b) get narcissistic supply 3) exploit things to their own advantage. They feel entitled to have everything handed over to them and to be above all laws, rules, boundaries, and conditions. We are objects to them, not separate entities.
@@chamomiletea9562 It may partly explain why they became who they were. Justifying or excusing their behaviour is another thing. It can't be justified.
I don't personally feel that is the same as normal centration, which changes with social development. I think people who choose to exercise malignant narcissism have learned that it works for them, know how to create the environment for it to be reinforced, and see no reason to change. I also don't think Malignant Narcissism happens in a vacuum, although it may have developed in earlier years. Others may also have their own motives for overlooking their behaviors, believing their lies, excusing them (or finding excuses for them) and turning against their victims in front of them, so they learn these behaviors can get them what they want and make them feel powerful, and more important.
Well, there are a lot of children who came from violent homes that became the exact opposite, because they knew how difficult it was for them and even have a need to make things better for others. We need to really do away with the stereotype that people who were abused become abusers. A lot of it is a choice.
Covert vounerable is worst. You can't please him , rich to him( her) . You are never good enough. When conflict arrive you'll see their real face.And you feel guilty that you do something wrong
I think that out of all the trail of destruction from these types of people, the inability to see themselves as others do can be the most hard to cope with. Because you know that until one can see themselves in honesty and face the shame, they will continue being the same person every day of their lives.
The videos I make are topics suggested by you the viewer. Feel free to suggest any mental health or psychology subjects you'd like me to cover in future videos. Just a reminder though, these videos are not a substitute for support from a mental health professional.
FORREST FENNS SEARCHERS COMMUNITY MARVEL GAZE
How to completely destroy a narcisist. Step by step guide please.
Hi, I would love something about how a parent can help children who have a narcissistic parent (acknowledging that both parents likely unhealthy). Much appreciated.
I know someone who is like that. SHE TOOK OVER MY PHONE NUMBERS AND EMAIL ADDRESES, FROM MY LAWFUL RIGHT TO CON-TROLL MY BNY MELLON ACCOUNT ACCESS.
LET PONCIE TAKE A SHAVE ???
They'll do ANYTHING to avoid accountability.
Hit’s the nail on the head.
Absolutely.
Indeed. Reminds me of a recurring post I've seen several times on YT: "The narcissist's Prayer." (i.e. Of non- accountability...)
Why is it so hard? All humans make error. Why can’t they just say so? Why do they blame even when it’s something trivial???? It’s not going to kill them to say oooops my bad I messed up I apologize. I’ll try harder next time or anything along those lines but they can’t. They won’t die admitting a fault!!! I don’t GET IT
@@Megdracula That's because the "false self" is perfect, and "infallible." Narcs do NOT have an "ego" in the fully developed sense, and the vast majority of them discarded their "inner child" (self and soul... due to abuse, neglect and/ or entitlement) between the ages of 3- 9, before the real self emerged as an individualized, EGO. They are looking for attention, validation and to "indoctrinate you, into their world..." then gradually pass the "baggage baton," and later ultimately DISCARD YOU, after transforming "the other" into what they then view as: "the NARC." Unless they are (close) family, MOVE ON on and go "No Contact," or they WILL make you increasing more "like them," because it's literally an all- pervasive, mind, body and soul, parasitism. (i.e. "Emotional vampire," succubus!) And they'll take it, to the grave. (Do NOT change...)
Narc's greatest fears: (1) Exposure of the false self (shame); (2) Loss of control of the victim (proof they're not omnipotent).
A liar that believes their own lies are the most dangerous people
Politicians?
😢
It's all about them. They come first, everyone else comes last.
There is no one else, only themselves.
That is called being selfish, not narcissistic. Two completely different things but unintelligent people just seem to conflate the two and combine a cluster of negative personality traits and label them as "narcissism" to sound smart on TH-cam.
They even have to walk in front of you if we ever walk anywhere!! Now I know why.
After catching my now ex wife texting with a guy she confessed to me about multiple affairs she had over the course of our 5 year marriage. Two days later while my world was falling apart she told me she wasn't going to feel bad about it anymore, that she had forgiven herself. Even after everything I've learned about narcissism it's still difficult to wrap my head around this behavior. It's just straight up evil.
That's why narcissists confess... assuage guilt and dump it on the other person to forgive. AHHhhh....
I had to laugh, sorry, i know it was painful for you. My narc ex told me ge was taking me off his medical insurance after i was diagnosed with breast csncer and needed surgery.
I had to laugh because i always paid all my medical bills myself, even though i had no insurance. It was in y face evidence he was uncaring and more worried about his premiums than my health.
He would ignore me instead of arguing, never ever engaged, it was like who is this person i martied???
He always made the decisions even though he never let me know until hed done them. Hows that for superiority complex? He hated my cat but waited til i was out of town to have the cat euthanized. Horrendous
She had to make an excuse for her bad behavior to justify her actions.
The most surreal thing having been in a relationship with a covert narcissist was that she couldn't get her head around that I had had a meaningful life before I met her. It was like to her my life only began when I was an extension of her. It was like before then I had been an ethereal being only becoming flesh when I met her. Other people doing brilliant things outside of her, she just could not comprehend. It was the same speaking about my life before I met her. Met with complete incomprehension. Unless of course I mentioned another girlfriend. Then the jealousy would go off the scale, even when I hadn't heard or seen of that girlfriend for decades. As I say. Surreal.
Thank you for this comment. I have tried to explain a similar experience but didn't have the words!
I can identify... my Mrs couldn't get her head around me continuing with any of my interests that I had before we met... like my life was now a blank page to written with whatever she deemed important to her and no one else
Omg same experience! You explained it very well. Its very weird indeed I dnt know how I ignored that this was not normal
Jamie i would have my doubts about you. Are you sure your not a Narc. I detect it in the tone of your post.
My narc ex talked as if he hatched me out of an egg even though I was almost 30 when we met. Unless I had an experience with him, it never entered his mind that I had already had that experience in the past. And this could apply to some incredibly common things.
This is the most spot-on description of the narcissist that I've ever heard/seen.
This is the best description I have ever heard. I have researched this personilty type thouroughly. I lived it for 3 years, confused af. This video should be in every classroom in America, his explanation is 💯. The torture of being abused by a narcissist, not knowing that this type of personality exsist, caused me to suffer much. They try to make you their slave, in many ways. They are only selfish, disloyal, stupid, destructive and chaotic. RUN fast, it's like committing spiritual suicide staying with them.
Very true best too run and save your health and mind set
"Spiritual suicide."
You're telling my story so of course, I agree with you
Living in the moment... I knew a narc that would say anything to look good in the moment. "I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that." But never followed through. It was forgotten as soon as the moment passed. If challenged they would give you the death stare or say "I never said that."
Yeah, I had a friend who would tell the stupidest lies and constantly contradicted himself. I thought it was his ADD, but now I think he is just a narc. I dumped him.
But never followed through. I've heard it described as "future faking". The past few years have been the most horrible experience of my life.
@@Ariadne76-k3d yeah same here I also was told it was ADD but he was so mean and flakey and brutally nasty.. I could not handle and love him anymore
Yep: "I never said that!"
@@brianlane9534 very sorry to hear it Brian!
You're the first person who I've seen touch on how a narcissist wants to be seen as the alpha. Most people talk about narcissists wanting control, which I suppose is what alphas want, however, the way a narcissist goes about getting control is so messed up. I have no problems with a good leader, however, the way a narcissist leads is downright pathetic and over time their lack of leadership will take any organization, or family down.
Initially, their false confidence fools people into thinking they are a leader, and only after some time do people spot how it's all about the narcissist. Unfortunately, by the time most realize what is going on the narcissist has become well embedded and is difficult to cut ties with.
Great video, very good overview of what makes them tick. “There’s a difference between a change in a person and a change in tactic”. That is a great statement. They don’t learn to be a better person, only a better manipulator!
My ex-wife argued with my father who was a MD many times about health topics and she talked like she was the better MD - but she wasn‘t a MD at all. Everybody on the table scratched their heads.
My friend's ex wife insisted on going into the doctors with him and tried to tell the doctor what was wrong with him... Always wrong of course! Crazy, nasty humans
I keep coming back to this video, it's got to be the best explained on this subject
Agreed. These are the most helpful videos, with practical and relevant advice. Thank you, Dr.
Exactly
I agree. I created a transcript of a few of Darren's vlogs.
Ikr
Me too 🙂
Excellent description of my mother and ex-husbands...they made me feel like a whipped dog. I am aware and free from these people now,
thank you
Darren F Magee for exposing these abusive behaviors
Wise Gentle: Perfect description of that feeling. " Whipped dog"
That's why I'm single. No repeat of my own mother. Had to walk again and again. Just left one again. They love us....its brutal. I believe there's an energy.
Once again, this describes my father 100%. I had to live through 42 years of narcissistic abuse which constantly made me question my sanity. Finally I can put a name to the abuse and start my journey towards recovery.
You were “gaslighted” watch the movie it was named for on TH-cam it was made in 1944
What I have noticed about narcissists, is that they have a list of rules, but those rules don't apply to themselves. And if you tell them that, they will change to topic and accuse you of something. Even things that happend years ago. Or if they don't get what they want of someone, then they will try to make other people get angry at that person, pit them against each other.
so true
BINGO! She will tell the most outrageous lie, then an hour later say, "I never said that." It's amazing.
Darren is spot on! Having worked with these type of toxic individuals and being related to one it is right on the money! If you look at the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders) and you read the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder it is somewhat difficult for some Psychologists to translate it into laymen's terms if they have not personally experienced this grinding, relentless, mentally and physically exhausting behaviour which breaks you down in slow fragments. Hi from Australia, and as a Registered Psychologist thru AHPRA!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ “I’VE MADE MY MIND UP; DON’T CONFUSE ME WITH FACTS.” ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
YAA & RT IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES,,,
Spot on Darren. Narcisists are like Terminators from the movie, they won’t stop until they get what they want and once they get it they destroy it to get an excuse for pursuing the next target. And the phrase: I have made up my mind and don’t confuse me with the facts descibes them perfectly well.
Thank you for a concise description of their behaviors, tactics etc. The validation it brings is priceless.
That “connection level“ was absolutely spot on👍🏼 No matter how many years you spend with them your connection is always extremely weak and fleeting at best.
This is hitting everything from my experience. It is unreal to find yourself with these kinds of people. The biggest irony I am finding among some of the victims I know, is that they never figured out the problem was Narcissism or they are still in denial about the abuse they report. I have watched people gaslight themselves or totally glaze over the facts that they present to me. The narcissist is the elephant in the room that they talk about, but won't quite point out.
The funny thing is the biggest narcissist always seem to think everyone else is crazy, In denial, etc. Your post reeks of narcissism.
@@Proud-Obese-unhealthy-American The narcissist gaslights and manipulates people, thats exactly what they do to their victims. Cognitive dissonance is real among victims...that doesn't make them narcissists or crazy, nor does it imply that Im calling victims narcissists. Victims are confused and many don't know what narcissism is or its terminology. It's called being in "the fog".
Seeing Narcissism for what it is doesn't make you a narcissist but every person who discovers narcissism can then understand the tactics used on them. But most, if not many are not looking for a mental disorder... victims or narcissism will blame themselves, make excuses, or still live within that cognitive dissonance when the situationship subsides.
“ I’ve made my mind up, don’t confuse me with facts.” Spot on.
4:52 The sort of person who wets the bed and blames the blanket, or blames their victim for not telling them to go to the bathroom before going to sleep - have you met my ex lol?
If only more people understand the inner dynamics of how a narcissist thinks and behaves…. This would be revolutionary! I think the door is now opening to their illness and how it affects those around them … 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Great work! “Discern the difference between a change in behavior and a change in tactic”. Spot on! If the narc changes to play nice, they just want something. That’s all, then they’ll change to their usual self again. - Can a narc change long term? Yes (in theory), and I suppose a caterpillar could change into a kangaroo, just don’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.
“Every solution has a problem.” 🤣
So true
Wish I'd watch this one vid 3 years ago when you posted it. Might have saved me a lot of heartache, time, money and health.
My narc told me “I am happy with who I am” after 5 yrs of abuse. I left and went no contact. Enough is enough.
I am shocked to see someone mouth my own words.. Everything i journaled is pretty much the same as What I hear from you.. Thanks a ton for validating my feelings. I am gona save this video for reassurance whenever in doubt.. Ur videos have helped us a lot. Thanks a ton
After waking up from a bad case of brainwashing by an alcoholic monster and finally understanding what he was doing to me, I truly appreciate the sense of humour. Before I met him, I was always lauhging and joking with my friends, I would go to work singing every day…I had a life, and it was wonderful. I am slowly recovering pieces of me and finding humour in the ridiculous world of this evil narcissist makes me feel better, and look forward to the day when I break free…(YEs, I do sing Queen’s song while I’m hoovering!). I have been calling him the AA, (the alcoholic as****e) just secretly, to myself. The Terminator analogy made me chuckle. It remind me of when I first started to feel like I was healing and every time I heard him explode with rage at… whatever…I would sing to myself AC/DC’s song “TNT” to get the edge off and stop him from dragging me to his hell ...Hell’s Bells! :-)Thank you very much.
This explanation is very helpful. I have been with a malignant narcissist for 46 years. He thinks someone’s going to change me so he can be happy. Change me to what? Back to trauma bonded, of course.
15:02 'Discern the difference between the change in a person and the change in a tactic' So right. I so wish I'd known this back when I was constantly being guilted into staying and giving another chance by both my mother and later my (now) ex-wife.
What about children of narcissistic parents? What happens to them when they grow up?
Glad you found it helpful
They often either become narcissistic themselves or become codependent which sets them up for a lifetime full of narcissistic relationships. Ask me how I know…
It depends what role they were assigned I guess , the scapegoat usually figure out best if they figure it out and learn to deal with the trauma
They would be doing wonderfully like everybody else. just like anybody who goes through difficulties. They have strengths just like everybody else.
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 and just be living pitiful lives being shadows of themselves.
No more of that for me!!
That last part about the covert narc just hit me like a sucker punch!! They thrive on you fussing over them!! O, my God! That is their supply! And the fussing is never good enough! When I confronted him with this he said: “Are you giving up on me?” Making it look like it was my responsibility to change him or wait for him to change. And I bought it hook, line and sinker! Looking back on it, it was all pretty pathetic!! So glad I am out of it!! But this video is a very good summary of what is really going on inside their head.. they would never admit to it but it becomes obvious after a while...
Wow. Beautiful, spot on description. Thanks so much for this reflection. Offers a lot of clarity to hear it put in words.
OMG that is absolutely the most perfect description of the narcissist. Thank you so much.
The win-win explanation where they need to feel or look good and others need to feel or look bad helped a lot. Thanks.
Thank you, Darren. That was such a great tip to discern the difference in a changed person and a changed tactic.
Thanks Darren. I always feel either depressed or afraid around narcissists
You are not alone, same here.
This is spot on. Very well explained. Best I’ve seen! I just happened to see this channel by accident. I immediately subscribed; everything he has explained I have witnessed.
Narcissists are VERY DECEIVING; because they, themselves are so trapped in DECEPTION!!
And IF you DO NOT have DISCERNMENT; you can EASILY be DECEIVED by them!
THANK YOU, SIR, for posting these videos! They have been VERY INFORMATIVE; and have helped ASSIST ME in having MORE understanding of what my YOUNGEST SON has to ENDURE for the sake of getting to spend time with the one who MEANS MOST TO HIM, HIS SON!
This was so accurate!! Especially doing charitable stuff in public and plastering it on social media
This is one of the deepest darkest philosophical quandaries ever pondered. The answer is probably nothing at all, and possibly everything at once.
Sometimes they exhibit both covert and overt rage. When their masks unknowingly gets taken down then they change their tactics to outright abuse verbally and emotionally irregardless of them knowing your past pain! Complete evil behaviors.
Hi, Darren! I'm so glad I ran across this 4-year-old video of yours. You cracked a few smiles and seemed at ease, even a bit friendly. This made me feel like I was sitting there with you. So that's nice, you know? But you may be too handsome for that, especially with your awesome accent😯! Some of your female patients could surely use a new friend... it's a good thing I'm in the USA.☺️
I have watched many you tubes on this topic. You are by far the person that has accurate information. Its like you knew him!
I've never heard this explained this clearly before, the details are surprisingly so exact. Thanks for your videos.
Absolutely right. Before I retired I was a successful Commercial Manager with an annual budget of £4,500,000. My ex wife and I took over a Preschool business (it was her dream) and would she listen to me about managing the finances. NO. But hey although she had no business experience at all she knew better than me. The outcome: A Preschool that had been going in the local Community for 30+ years was destroyed. But hey its not her fault. She was / still is, Never Wrong & Never Sorry just like her horrible Mother. 6 months after the closure of the school she started cheating with an obvious lowlife downgrade. I confirmed that was the case left her and divorced her.
I make the joke about my wife: If My wife drove her car into a tree; it would be the tree's fault.
You've described narcissism extremely well. Easily to relate to and understand.
I find myself looking for signs in new people I am developing relationships with. Anytime the scales tip to a lot more take on their end, I cut it off, no matter how charming or vunerable the person seems. I'm wondering if I am in over-reactive mode, but I just don't geniunely have it in me to be the bottomless pit of giving anymore.
Magnificent explanation of what I've been living with! Thank you for your videos. This one's a keeper. It will remind me that I'm not imagining things. Someone else knows and sees what a narcissist is, even though the Flying Monkeys who protect my husband cannot understand who they are protecting. Thank you again, for making these videos. It really helps to know that someone understands what it is.
You are right on. I turned my karate school over to my head student in order to save the school. My husband would proclaim that I (Masteraster) didn't know what I was doing and everyone must listen to him. My head students would just laugh behind his back. COVED forced the school to close. My students are always happy to see me and I still enjoy their company.
Having a narcissistic grown-up daughter is an excruciating pain, when you have barely survived the malignant narcissism in a family member before. It also carries a stigma, because it's extremely difficult to find support. First of all, because narcissists are so good at isolating you while providing others with a perfect image of themselves and a totally wrong image of you. Second, because when you really feel like opening up and sharing what you're going through with someone, they first thing they tell you is that it must be your fault and that you must be the abusive parent that they are rebelling against. It's so hard and extremely confusing. I wonder if you could help us parents who have done their best in a difficult situation, sometimes having to protect the child from an abusive ex partner, and ending up become the adult child's scapegoat. I always feel like I could go no contact with anyone, but that I still have to stand by my daughter. However, I cannot deal with the abuse anymore.
I had to go no contact with my daughter in the end. She just got worse with age
Devil's joke!
You aren’t required to let abuse happen to you. It doesn’t matter if it’s your daughter. You are allowed to cut that tie for your own well being. That being said it is hard to believe that your child just came out that way and your parenting had nothing to do with it. It’s possible on rare occasions but most people are shaped by their childhood. 🤷🏻♀️
@@aujuliawod I never said that parenting had nothing to do with it, although I now tend to believe that there may be a genetic side to the personality. Her father left me when I was pregnant and then wanted to come back, but also made it clear that he would not pay any money for child support. He harassed me for years until the case went to court and I won. I do believe that part of the problem also comes from the attempted parental alienation by the father. I wish she could realize and seek therapy, but narcissist rarely do. It's painful, but for the moment, I don't know what to do.
The person i was with i often said he was “combative” never understood why everything was so difficult and would lead to arguments and rages . Minor things that were truly insignificant. He once screamed at a server because his pretzel was cold. He was entitled , to treat people poorly, because he was successful. Employees, waitstaff, etc. i always found myself apologizing for him.
They are worst creatures on earth. 🤢🤢🤢..
The first thing I observed the narcs in my life to be or do, is that they believed they're perfect. They are never responsible for anything. 🎉
When you say they accuse you are everything they do THIS is correct. I learned this about a year ago with my husband. He stopped going to therapy because he didn't like what the therapist told him. It's very tiresome and a total waste of time and life and if these people ONLY realized how happy they COULD BE if they left ALL the BS behind perhaps they would.
THEY C A N ' T THEIR SO CALLED BRAINS WILL NOT EVER "GET IT "
Darren F. Magee:
I haven't seen any Narcissist do this in front of a 3rd person. So it's safe to say they only do it to their supply which is their Victim, their only Victim?
My narcissist fiancé told me she had Dive Rescue training at a level I was bewildered by. I remember thinking she was far beyond my abilities. Now she told me this when I told her I was the Captain in charge of The Louisville Fire Department Dive Rescue Team. I look back on similar moments and realize how full of crap she was every time she one upped me.
What I can never figure out is what my narcissistic sibling thinks he is winning by pushing others away from him due to his cruel behavior. He does not lead a successful life, and has always been dependent on others to support him. He gets in a rage over minor issues, and blows them out of proportion. His behavior is very strange.
I suffer the same from mine. Everything is everyone's fault never his. His life has become chaotic, he takes no responsibility and feeds off drama always needing saving. Also responds with rage, threats, threats of suicide and more. But to the outside world is charm personified.
I was so lucky because I knew the minute I told him I was leaving he’s got so much pride that then he was done with me too. I publicly explained on a day that he was riding high on an ego trip. It was so cool because he couldn’t deny the multiple mess ups.
This is so accurate of my ex husband that I’m shaking my head in agreement to everything you just described. It’s unreal how you explained all of his characteristics so well! 👍
Oh my goodness!!! This information is exactly spot on & what I Need because my Daughter-In-Law is!!! My Son is belittled pretty well daily, she is explosive! Re-writes always, mis-wording to her advantage!!! I will send to my Son who lives states away with my grandchildren 😢
I had to write another comment because the video turned out to be astoundingly accurate and living truth of that experience. Bravo and hats off.
Once again thank you... YOU hit the nail on the head.... my ex-girlfriend. 💯 percent.. I thought I was just me... She wouldn't try counseling to help our relationship..she is always right and cut off my conversation with her.. She had to be the Alpha... THANK YOU..
This video LITERALLY saved me!!!!!
Very valuable content. Thank you.
The double standard is unreal in those seeped in entitlement. In my experience, they have bad boundaries, intentionally. As you illuded to in a previous video: they mistake kindness for weakness. They view your value as something they can take and abuse without any conditions or terms, and will even act like you owe it to them. The complete disrespect of others time and value, yet the double standard is often demanding "respect" through bullying or manipulative tactics.
Which if examined, one doesn't get respect by force or trickery. Compliance, perhaps, or getting their way temporarily, as you mentioned with having the last word, but it is a shallow/ material-level addiction often to power or control. Which is why it seems they are never satisfied, they are addled to trying to exert over others.
Topic suggestion: Narcissistic cults and/or family systems.
This has completely blown my mind. Very thankful for this man and his channel.
I'm speechless. You're shedding a lot of light. Thank you.
I dumped a narc friend so many times and tried again so many times, but all the narc noted and mentioned was how many times over the decades that I dumped him. Well my thing is if I hadn’t tried so many times with him, I wouldn’t have had to dump him. It would have been only once. But my trying again and again just went unnoticed. That tells me just like you said, they are never at fault.
Very good. Thank you. I have one suggestion. At the end, instead of saying the Narcissist says, "I've made my mind up. Don't confuse me with facts," say that (s)he says, "I've made my mind up. Don't annoy me with facts."
OMgosh! You absolutely described my boss.
I've been through a gamut of emotions as I learn more about the narcissist I married than I ever learned while I was with him. And yet I was experiencing SO many of the tactics in these topics.
In my processing of those hellish days of living with a bipolar covert narcissist, I experienced textbook abuse that I didn't identify because I saw the world through my own scope and I couldn't reconcile that abuse coming from someone who could also seem so attentive and loving, at times.
Once you understand their motivation is manipulation and NOT real love (real love cares about your wellbeing and they do not) then everything else makes sense.
I've heard all of this stuff before. I used to feel like it didn't apply to me even though he checked all the boxes, because he had a "good" side too. I've been a fool for too many years already. Thank you for making these videos, it's like the lights have been thrown and I am seeing so many things I already "knew", in that new light
I always chortle and wince when I watch your vidieos. Here's one from my mother's greatest hits: "You know, I've been thinking about the situation. I've been thinking very deeply, and, you know, I'm right."
Children without selfreflection in the bodies of adults
All projection.depending in their feeling, vilulnerable or grandios.
Well that was epic. Thank you. Very healing and validating
I feel like there's a level below the beliefs that have been covered in this video. I suspect a deep feeling of inadequacy often (maybe always) underpins a lot of a narcissist's demonstrated beliefs. I suspect this is a reason who narcissists often have been raised by a narcissisitc parent.
perhaps you've done this video already, but I am looking very hard for a video regarding dealing with the aftermath of being raised by a narcissist or in a relationship with a narcissist. I am extremely clear that my victimizer was/is a narcissist. I've removed that person from my life. Now I'm trying to deal with the aftermath of bad behaviors I learned from them, and also dealing in a healthy manner with the anger and pain that results from their abuse. Thank you.
Hello and thank you for your question. I have made videos on roles in narcissistic families, the affects and have recently started putting videos out on recovery. Have a look at my playlists hopefully you’ll find what you need, if not I’ll be happy to make one more specifically.
Can you do a video on recovery time.
I was entangled with a covert for 18 years. Been 13 months of complete removal. Do feel very much better, but still quite effected.
Thank you for your suggestion I will do 👍 In the meantime, you mentioned 18 years with a covert. I made a video recently on narcissistic abuse syndrome which might help you understand what you’ve been experiencing for the past 13 months. I will say though recovery is a process. Be kind to yourself and thanks again for the suggestion
Thank you! The sum of their belief "I have made up my mind. Do not confuse me with facts." This to me is so true, at the same time very tragic. If you are in a settlement battle after he divorces you for setting up boundaries, get all the facts and evidence. You will need the judge to settle the case, as he will constantly lie, move the goal posts and try to bankrupt you emotionally and financially. Isaiah 41:10-13.
I wanted to take a pre-emptive crack at the question: I would say that they believe that everyone else's agendas - including thoughts, feelings, preferences, goals and and plans - are to be defined by however they happen to feel.
the weird thing with narcissist: you will never notice that they do not look you eye to eye,
there is always the absence, like there is no soul living in that body, even in public, because if you see through, they loose
just look in the eyes of the narcissist, there is nobody home
This is the best!!! Right on!! They are so deceiving!! They don’t really care about other people, they just pretend to be.
You did a good job separating the fantasy we have about them and the reality.
They are very hard to spot. I have seen world experts such as Dr. Ramani unwittingly get into professional alliances with covert narcissist here on TH-cam
The "helping fields" are full of (covert) narcs. Anywhere they can bamboozle and "power play" people, from children to the elderly, they do flock... like the parasitic energy vampires, they all are. And likewise, in psychology and psychiatry. (Many narcs have psych degrees, to advanced mind control and manipulation techniques training... and are in "politics, to religion.") My eighty year old mother is in an "independent living" place in California that is FULL OF these people. (From the former director, to several employees and a disproportionately HIGH percentage of the 100ish residents... many families want nothing to do with, later on.) Since the advent of TV, Hollywood, and public indoctrination while both parents work outside of the home... there has been an EXPLOSION in (intentionally) "institutionalized and collectivized," narci- schism. (From academia, to the corporate environment.)
Who with?
Best to explain your accusation if you feel entitled to make it.
Wow! I'm glad I found you ❤
You've answered allot of questions and people I've dealt with who I cutoff recently.. I cannot believe what I am hearing. I never heard of gaslighting before. This is amazing and freeing.
Dealing with someone now like that.
Unfortunately I'm trying get my personal property back and close doors 🚪
I really enjoyed learning about my family with this video. Seems like you know them and their tricks. I’ve had to remove my narcissistic tendencies. They don’t work when you’re trying to have healthy relationships. I am have learned from the best… but I’m very committed to being a better person & want my loved ones to have a wonderful experience being around me.
However, I almost spit out my water with the last trait…don’t bother me with the facts, I’ve already made up my mind. Gosh do you know my mother! 😂
Thank you for providing such a great community service.
My God this is frighteningly accurate - it describes my family totally
They are more of an expert in the expertise you have! So true, I am an IT expert 25 years but there times that she knows my field better than me LOL.
Narcissistic people are never wrong or culpable. So many rules about the way that they must be treated, but they can treat you like trash with not as much as a thought for common decency.
About 6-7 years back i got bullied out of a job and was su*cidal for 18 months as a result, and all my father did was kick me whilst i was down continuously by gaslighting, defamation of character and is still doing it to this day, and when i told him i was su*cidal (big mistake), all he was bothered about was the funeral costs, he never comforted me, gave me advice or anything like that, just criticism and flipped it around so he was the victim somehow and that i am a bad person. I am not saying i am an angel, but i do not see myself as a bad or evil person because i would never cause harm or distress to another human being if i can help it. The only way that would happen is if they hurt a family member, but i would not do it as far as myself is concerned.
We ended up having an unrelated blazing row months later in front of one of his friends (so bear in mind this is someone who's mind he has poisoned against me for years), so i pulled him up on it, and told him straight. "Do you remember when i was su*cidal and all you was bothered about was the £7500 funeral costs?", and all his replay was "N-N-No. It's because of all the people you will have left behind". You could clearly see he was making it up on the spot just to save his fake image that he has carefully crafted his entire life. So i instantly called him out on it saying, "You lying b*stard. I cannot believe you have just lied to me in front of my face when i know the truth". His friend never said a word and i bet he did not believe me either, but i would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during the next conversation they had. One of the things he absolutely hates about me is i can see right through him for who he truly is, but not many people can and they never listen to me which is frustrating to say the least, because he has poisoned so many minds to turn them against me so they believe him and not me.
In July of this year i have been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder at 43, and one of the things i have realised is i have clear documented clinical proof, that his perception of me could not be more wrong, but what can you do from 25+ years of defamation of character and gaslighting to get people to believe you? I had tried for 3 months just to get him to read my Autism diagnosis, so he can get an insight into who i am and what makes me tick. All i get is excuses like, "I will soon", or "i haven't got the time". I have given up on that now, because what is the point? I do not want to force anybody to do something that they do not want to, it is not in my nature, never has been, never will. It's just sad my own father is such an a*shole that he won't even fulfil a simple request from his own son. It's kind of sad if you think about it.
I have recently been threatened with weapons on 2 occasions (a shovel and an extension bar for a ratchet), so i gripped him by his coat and then i was called out for assault by him. I just cannot win, but i will never back down, because what would that make me if i do? Bear in mind my father is now 70 and he is a hate filled, bitter, twisted individual that i just cannot tolerate any longer, but i am living in his house so he flexes this power over me to try and win arguments for which he is in the wrong.
I am kind of glad in a way that i am Autistic, because i do not think a Neurotypical person could manage this mental abuse and torture for the length of time i have. I think it would break most people, but somehow i can endure it.
Now i have my diagnosis i am getting a lot of help and support so i can stand on my own 2 feet and be away from this death-grip he has on me. I am looking at getting my own place early next year, and when i am gone, i will stay gone and he will never hear from me ever again. And when i told him this, he just does not care, he just looks at me like i am some piece of sh*t that does not deserve anything good in life, whereas he is the epitome of moral superiority.
I have done a lot of research over the last 2 years (I am Autistic, so believe me it is a lot), and i am now convinced he is a vulnerable narcissist.
I think the reason i am writing this is because i need some advice so i can move on with my life, not necessarily to be happy, but just to stop feeling trapped and helpless and then go from there.
I laugh occasionally at some of what you say, because some of it sounds humorous, yet at the same time I know it's true. Another thing I marvel at (as a lady) is how patient and understanding you are as a man. For me, that really presents for me a better view on men. I know that sounds awful and I'll probably get jumped on by people for saying it; but it really does! It helps me see that there are men who are not short tempered or impatient and I really appreciate that. Because you couldn't have understood all you share in these videos without those qualities of patience and a willingness to understand.
Not saying that a lot of women aren't short tempered and impatient, they are: but my *experience* has been its mostly a male thing.
It's really helpful seeing that.
By the way, how come you know so much on the topic of narcissism Darren? It's so insightful these videos.
It helps me understand certain people in my life and takes away to some degree the hurt and confusion I feel from their treatment of me. This is like Wow!
Thank you for your kind feedback and I’m glad you find the videos helpful. To answer you question, as with all the topics I cover it comes from research and a mix of both professional and personal experience when outlining common behaviours
@@DarrenFMagee What a great mix!
BE STRONG ENOUGH TO BE KIND
Very good video. My experience of course reflects much what you have to say. The one thing that he did tell me once or twice. It's rare. When he doesn't engage in narcissistic behavior, he feels like he doesn't exist. The rises and the reactions that he would extracted from me was bottom line, actually intended to enable him to feel alive. My husband had little or no sense of self. That's why he manipulated and did all the things he did.
Your information is fantastic, Darren! Thank you so much and cheers👍🙂
Jen Campbell,You are beautiful,Hope you are not with a narcissist......
Actually, one thing to also put emphasis on is the fact we were all born narcissists. We learned things and developed empathic traits between the age of 0 and 9. That's why we turn into non-narcissist adults. Narcissists were often raised in an environment where they had their control taken away from them. If the child is put in an abusive situation where he/she is unable to defend him/herself they may develop a defense mechanism that causes them to always need to be in control. Everything the narcissist does is to: a) control people b) get narcissistic supply 3) exploit things to their own advantage. They feel entitled to have everything handed over to them and to be above all laws, rules, boundaries, and conditions. We are objects to them, not separate entities.
And there can possibly be a genetic predisposition but that does not excuse their behavior.
@@chamomiletea9562 It may partly explain why they became who they were. Justifying or excusing their behaviour is another thing. It can't be justified.
I don't personally feel that is the same as normal centration, which changes with social development. I think people who choose to exercise malignant narcissism have learned that it works for them, know how to create the environment for it to be reinforced, and see no reason to change. I also don't think Malignant Narcissism happens in a vacuum, although it may have developed in earlier years. Others may also have their own motives for overlooking their behaviors, believing their lies, excusing them (or finding excuses for them) and turning against their victims in front of them, so they learn these behaviors can get them what they want and make them feel powerful, and more important.
Well, there are a lot of children who came from violent homes that became the exact opposite, because they knew how difficult it was for them and even have a need to make things better for others. We need to really do away with the stereotype that people who were abused become abusers. A lot of it is a choice.
good observation and point.
Covert vounerable is worst. You can't please him , rich to him( her) . You are never good enough. When conflict arrive you'll see their real face.And you feel guilty that you do something wrong
Mine almost drove me to suicide
@@MJ-qb5ph I got the same
@@MJ-qb5ph I am also suicidal. I think about it everyday. The covert narc I live with is driving me insane, I'm in hell.
@@raquelfrizzell sorry to hear that. Can you get out and enforce no contact? Mine was family so different to intimate relationship
This is the BEST video I've seen so far! Thank you!
This was tough to listen to but it is the truth unfortunately
I think that out of all the trail of destruction from these types of people, the inability to see themselves as others do can be the most hard to cope with. Because you know that until one can see themselves in honesty and face the shame, they will continue being the same person every day of their lives.