He was banking on the idea that having the nurse call would be the silver bullet through the kid's boundaries. He totally has the power to reach out with love and try to mend things, but instead he took out his frustration on a nurse he is lucky to have.
@@_outofphase5480 being no contact with my father who is a pretty severe narcissist and falls under machiavellianism as well, I can absolutely see that man pushing the blame on her. People like that refuse to accept their role in things. Yes human emotions are complex but if it walks like a duck in most situations it's probably a duck.
Idunno. We still do not know though, separate knowing, I err on the side of the adult child, dunno what they went through. But I can’t imagine the emotions of someone about to pass, taking whatever horrific feelings and decades of regret or anger or unresolved brokenness with them…that’s not peace. Not saying a thing about fault or whatever whomever deserves…regardless, I could see someone having a variety of responses to that, whether they are an indication of what they were like or not.
@@ec9833don't forget that the patient said "you should have told him that he had to come"... indicating that the parent was demanding and not just sad about the outcome. Plus that patient could have said "I want to be alone right now" instead of "get out"
The biggest mistake in judging a character is assuming because they were nice to you, they are nice to others too. People can be cruel, behind closed doors.
@@htpkey Exactly. My older sister cut out our father after listening into our conversations and hearing how he treats me when he thinks no one can see. Then she convince me to do the same. Best decision ever! I look and feel 10 years younger.
When my parents call I can tell when someone else enters the room because their voice changes SO MUCH. The tone, the words they use, the pitch, the sarcasm. It's wild how they would be embarrassed to be caught speaking like that, but no issues speaking to me like that when no one else is watching.
The fact that he told you that you SHOULD have told the son that he HAD to come and then told you to get out when he didn't get what he wanted tells me all I need to know. You did a great job. Bless you!
You handled the situation perfectly. You have no knowledge of their history. You are a great nurse. Person affair between them after all is personal. He was def in the wrong to tell you to get out.
Good grief. Probably more like He’s dying and feels the need to lay his eyes on his child one last time. He probably feels desperate to see him. Have some compassion.
@@CH-kr2dfmaybe he should've thought about how much his son means to him before he saw death next door. I'm not saying the father is for sure the toxic one here but based on limited information.... Not many of us are lucky enough to even have an opportunity for "goodbye" or closure before death. I'll never understand those who don't realise this and think they can outsmart death. If you love someone and see it possible, make things right as soon as possible. Don't wait to cop out minutes before death comes...
Not necessarily, that alone can be common with elderly people who are nearing end of life if they have dementia specifically-they can be frustrated easily and have drastic personality shifts. That said, the child likely has a good reason for no contact. I just don’t think the personality shift in an elderly hospice patient who is dying and reconciling with never seeing their child again before their death is the indicator. Going no contact is.
I've been no contact with my mother for years due to extreme abuse, and she's got everyone thinking that I'm this terrible daughter for "abandoning" her. Thank you for being so understanding about these things, kids don't usually go no contact unless it's absolutely necessary.
Same. I feel you. Because of that, I went no contact with all of my family. Sometimes it is better to just go through life alone than to continue to subject yourself to abuse.
@ijustreallylikecats Though the situation was probably different, my last surviving family member took joy at one point in lying about me to extended family and friends. Making defamatory remarks that I was not in a position to correct for the record. So I understand how maddening these sorts of intentionally decontextualized or backstabbing narratives can be. I also love cats !
I’ve dealt with this sadly. Especially common among narcissistic abusers of one type or another because they can be SO charming and people have no idea how cruel they can be.
My grandmother, who seggs trafficked me when I was a child, was in a hospital some time ago and the doctor called me because I was the person to contact in the hospital database. When I called back I asked them not to call me anymore and remove me as the contact in the hospital's record system. And I explained to them why. The doctor was so incredibly respectful. Thank you for sharing this. Very validating for us who had to go no contact.
Literally exactly what I thought the fact this person instantly thought they had the power to DEMAND the other person to come is scary. Also P.S.- the fact he told her to GET OUT is also concerning and probably speaks to who he actually is.
Same boat here. I'm glad for this post though. I have not a single F to give for my No Contact "parent". Now I know to answer with more compassion and assurance to any care taker that reaches out to me though.
My oldest daughter has not spoken to me or my parents since our divorce 2016. I know she's been brain washed. My x is narcissistic and never ever admit he had anything wrong. I just want her to go see gma n gpa. We have never done anything to her. My parents gave her everything. Car when she turned 16. A grand to fly down to cancan for a wedding of the aunt with 1 of her friends. She shut down when her favorite uncle was KIA in Afghanistan. She was 11.
Agreed! An RN did NOT handle like you and suggested I would regret it later. It's been 20 years no contact. I am a therapist. It was extremely presumptuous and disrespectful to make that comment. I have made my peace. I have already grieved for years the loss of my parents. Thank you for your tact and respect for both parties.
You handled the situation perfectly. It's up to the son at this point if he needs any further closure. They can both change their minds as far as reaching out, last words etc. Now they both know the situation. The patient took out his rejection on you. Keep up the extraordinary job you do with all your patience. ❤🙏
Agreed. There is nothing else you can do. You have been polite, diplomatic, and accommodating. This is beyond you. Keep up the good work, Ms.Hospice Nurse!
I agree. You did the right thing. As someone who went no contact because of a narcissistic toxic mother, I can foresee that she will do the same when her time comes. They say that people become more of what they really are when they’re dying. So the fact that your patient yelled at YOU when he/she didn’t get their way screams narcissist to me. It’s not you Hadley. It’s your patient’s own issue. You are a good person for trying. You are earning your Angel’s wings!!
Those were the exact words I was going to say. I guess I have some faith that, however, that situation went, whether the offspring connected with the dad at the end or not, it was the right thing for each of them even if it meant pain now or later.
You did EXACTLY the right thing!! As a woman who was r-ped many times by her father - a man who is now old and starting to fade, and who usually acts charming to strangers but WILL still yell at a stranger - I never want to see him again. When an 80-year-old yells at you to “get out,” they are still playing the same manipulation/control/abuse games with you that they have played all of their life with others. They are just hoping to make you feel bad! DO NOT FEEL BAD! You, Hadley, are PERFECT! ☀️
Ohmygod same ppl literally used to say he's an amazing father and my mum is so lucky. But he made my mum beg him for money and sexually assaulted me till I got my period. He's getting old too now and likes to be charming to strangers like yours. When this nurse in the video was talking about how she loved her patient so much- it reminds me of how some ppl talked about him so gullible.
And this is why it disgusts me to see so many comments under this video complaining about how kids these days are “so entitled” and “will go no-contact just because their parents made them help out with chores”. You never know why someone made the choice to cut someone out of their life, and it most likely isn’t over something trivial. No matter how much of a “good person” they seem to you as a total stranger, you have no idea what kinds of things they were capable of doing to those who were close to them. Also, I’m so sorry to hear about what he did to you. I could never comprehend the amount of pain you must feel to survive something like that. No words other than that I’m so incredibly sorry
@@angelalewis3645 100% this.. narcissitic controlling tactics- Hadley did brilliantly in being respectful and professional but acknowledging that we have no idea who he’s been the last 80 years of his life x
I really appreciate that about her. I'm glad the hospital staff loved my dad. They saw the side of him I loved too. They didn't see his violent rages when I was a child. He, like a lot of people, was a complicated person.
I thank you for sharing your experience as a hospice nurse. It takes a special person to do what you do. Nurses don't get enough credit for all they do, and the average person has no clue.
I’m an affair child. I only ever saw my bio father in public only to be ignored! I only talked to him privately a few times, all he ever said was how I ruined his life and other crappy things. A year ago I got a call that he had cancer and was dying. I was told he wanted to speak to me. I said no thank you and hung up. Two of my half brothers confronted me about it and tried to guilt trip me. I explained I don’t know him and the few times we spoke it was not pleasant. My attorney received a letter from him after he passed. I told him to read it and if it wasn’t bad I’ll read it. Needless to say I never read the letter, my attorney shredded it. You never know why someone is no contact, respect people’s decisions!
Love the fact that you cock blocked the abuse after the narc was dead by having someone else read that letter!!! Narcs LOVE to pull this "final letter" shit where they will shit all over you after they are dead and there is nothing you can do. I've got a similar cock block in place with my narc abuser...all letters read by someone else and only if they aren't bad or insulting will I read them. No one gets to abuse me as an adult!
Thank you for not guilt tripping family. I love that you said, “I don’t know how this person was for the first 80 years of their life,” allowing for the possibility that individuals change, but not assuming that change has occurred.
Actually, the dying person getting mad and asking her to leave because she wouldn't "force" the family member to come pretty much sums up who this person actually is. 🤔
@@abbykoop5363not necessarily… a lot of people are probably not that composed when dying and facing potentially a life full of regrets and the fact that their own kids won’t see them. But I do tend to believe if your kids won’t talk to you, you royally f*cked up.
Not really, she rather assumed that even if they did change, they may have been awful people before and the kids don’t want to have anything to do with them because of that
As a no contact child, thank you. You still respected the wishes of the patient and asked, but also respected the wishes of the child when they said no. You did the right thing both ways.
I am sorry things in your life created a no contact situation. I hope this nurse, & those in the comments see your message. As much as people want to help, we can quickly find out we caused pain instead of helping.
As someone who also went no-contact with their parents, and having been on the other side of this as a medical professional. You handled this like a freaking champ. A letter is a wonderful option, and not your fault for how they handled their life situations.
@@vulpinemachine «My patient told me to ‘get out.’ … As much as it sucks to get yelled at in that way,…» So, yes, according to the nurse, they were yelled at by the patient.
Facts. It’s easy to seem nice when you’re “old man flirting” with a pretty nurse. Or when the people around you don’t owe you, in your opinion, for giving them life. Some parents just think they own their kids.
@@BeeWhistler let's be honest, she's paid to wait on him and attend to his needs. A toxic and self entitled person is going to love having a caregiver. It's equals that they struggle having a relationship with.
People like to say you'll regret it when they pass if you didn't say goodbye. I was no contact with my father when he passed three years ago. I have zero regrets.
@@djsaidez271 If he doesn't even feel guilt? Is that what you meant? Nobody truly knows how one feels at the time of their death; however, I would think one would be sorry for any bad things done in their lives that affected others. That's just my 2 cents. I believe that's how I would feel but I'd hope amends would've been made prior rather than immediately before dying. Life's too short to waste it on drama, resentment, anger, etc.
@@ARowBoat But you would've been the better person for having taken that step. Maybe he would've changed. Anger and resentment never helps. A softened heart is everything. ❤
Yep totally agree it’s the hardest things I’ve done ever and at first I thought I was wrong for doing it but after some time it’s the best decision I have ever done in my life
Your reasons are valid. As a no contact child, I've met my fair share of noisy people trying to make me feel bad for cutting them out... then I tell them all she did to me, and they feel so bad. If only some people learned to mind their own business 🤷🏼♀️
@dreambeachdreamer5227 25 seems to be a sweet spot for us to have enough experience about the outside world to understand how their behavior is abnormal. I've started a book called "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson, and it's really helping a lot regarding closure (that is completely impossible with emotionally immature and/or narcissistic parents in conventional ways, since they refuse to admit any of their faults, and blame everyone and everything else instead, including their own helpless children)
@@alexdavidson7498 No. Honestly, once you hit the no-contact point, you're so over it (and usually have had enough therapy) that things don't matter any longer. There's no relationship left; the person might as well be an unpleasant stranger (or mosquito). I don't gloat over walking away from either of those.
I think you're wrong but not in bad way so to speak. If for nothing else, you. I'm not saying forgive or forget anything, and it make take the rest of your life to notice, but saying goodbye even to $hitty people does more than you realize for your soul. Personally i used it as a chance to prove to myself that i wasn't the person he believed i was. It may sound silly, or childish, but experience is a hard teacher with no remorse.
@omnigar9611 You are wrong. If peace is going no-contact with a parent, then so be it. There's a chance that abuse was a huge factor, physical, emotional, mental, or all of it. It could be other reasons that are personal. Not our business, unless information on the situation is freely given. Say you do that. What makes you think the person they are no contact with won't pull a last minute stunt? My parent would. Don't guilt people into doing things that you think will benefit their soul, because you don't know what they went through. It might actually destroy their soul instead.
I'm sure all you lovely people will be polite and sweet as can be when you're on your death bed. I mean what kind of person would be emotional or cranky while they're dying...selfish right
You did the right thing. The day my dad died was a huge relief. First thought I had, he will never be able to hit or yell at me again. May your patient have an easy passing. Sadly bad parenting results in dying alone. RIP sir may you find comfort and soul growth in your next journey.
As a clinical psychologist and fellow healthcare provider, you absolutely did the right thing. Thank you for representing the best of us as healthcare clinicians. ♥️
Your communication, bravery and honesty are perfect. Protect yourself by not investing your emotions into your pts in their last days. Do everything you do without loving so much ❤
@DrCatterBox: It would be really helpful if you could construct a sentence at the 3rd-grade level. You have said (because of your poor construction and misplaced modifier) that the woman in the video is a clinical psychologist and healthcare provider. She appears to be the latter, but is she the former? Or are you, and you just don't understand that the only subject in your sentence is the word "YOU" (meaning HER): "As a clinical psychologist and fellow healthcare provider, you...." Please do better.
And demanding she leave for not fulfilling his command says more. IMHO if the patient felt responsible or guilt, the patient would have agreed to the note.
Not necessarily; on one's death bed the patient's pain of loss can be a hellish pain. And you expect passivity. He likely was angry that the horror continued. What could be more hellish than to lose one's living adult child(ren)!?! This scenario can go both ways. I explain this in the comments.
As a person who is no contact with their mother and has no plans to ever be again, thank you for not using guilt. We got enough of that while they were healthy. Dying doesn't override what they did in life.
I'm no-contact with my uncle, haven't seen him or spoken to him in nearly 9 years. He always treated his brother, my dad, like shit. Took advantage of his willingness to help people and never gave anything in return but criticism and degradation. My dad recently forgave him for his terrible behavior since my uncle's in poor health and started interacting with him again. He wants me to see my uncle too and says he's changed... I don't believe it for a second. No-contact should always be respected. You did the right thing ❤
I believe in life reviews after crossing over where you will feel from the other persons’ perspectives toward what you said to them in your life. One of the last life reviews he would see is the moment he yelled at this kind hearted nurse who was there only to help him.
@@MrsAllen-tm7fepossibly to apologize for something. Something happened between them that makes his son not want to visit. I hope his son changed his mind before he has any regrets after his father’s passing. Whatever his father has to say could save his son from regrets or feeling bad or anything. You never know.
Or more likely that the parent was a dick to them and they don't want to be around them anymore ever heard of narcissistic toxic parents could you sound like you need to it wasn't the kid that was the problem it's always the parent that's the problem and the kid that just wants to get away from them
I agree, she did the correct thing. She told the child who is now an adult. The child made up their mind. The nurses job ends there. Great job. May the patient RIP when their time comes.❤
@@Crystalclear0parents can earn or lose respect, just like anyone else. Granting it when they have not earned it is one cause of needless emotional damage in this culture.
@@Crystalclear0 "cruel" is an interesting word choice. As this nurse said, she doesn't know what happened the first 80 years of the patient's life. Maybe he was cruel to his children. Putting your morals on another person's life doesn't work out too well. ~adult surviver of a horrible childhood
@Crystalclear0 actions have consequences, if a person was horrible enough when they were younger the should expect people to not care/not visit then when they're dying.
You are an angel. Most people judge us kids when we say no. Just because it is our parent doesn't mean they were good to us and just because they seem nice to everyone else doesn't mean they weren't horrible to us personally. Thank you.
I have been no contact for a while. I want to thank you for starting with “I don’t know how this person was like during the first part of their life” because so many caregivers want to judge that the children don’t visit sweet old mom/dad/ect but fail to realize that person used to abuse , neglect, and be a nasty person to his/her family and that’s why they want nothing to do with them. You know them as the scared old person that doesn’t want to die alone. I knew them as the person that made me want to dye alone.
As a kid that went no contact with my mother for almost 20 years, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. No one HAS to come visit someone that has obviously been the source of the amount of pain that made them choose to go no contact. He was trying to use you to manipulate and control someone else, and his reaction towards you says EXACTLY why the son went no contact.
As a no contact child myself, I am not surprised at the parents response of entitlement. Thank you for being a mediator in such a difficult situation. So much respect for you not guilting the child of your patient🙏🏽 We don’t go no contact for a reason & we also mourn the loss of these parents long before their last breath.
You absolutely did the right thing. You called the son, who declined. You offered the patient the opportunity of writing a letter and making sure it was delivered and he got mad. That tells me he is not actually interested in healing the rift. Who knows how he would have acted if the son had actually visited. Something tells me it wouldn’t have been what you, and I, would have hoped it to be.
probably would demand respect, offer insults, backhanded praise, and spend a few minutes measuring the emotional scars and how much control he still had. Genius sociopaths might try to leave words that would haunt, but garden variety narcissists will stumble through manipulation exercises. you can feel this lady is worked up and dealing with "stress" in each part of this. Social work is not always with good people. She keeps her calm.
My stepmother was often mean and hurtful to me even abusive. She lied a lot. She kept me from being with my mother's side of the family. Kept from visits and wedding of my oldest sister. Created suspicious between me and my other sister. She stole my college loan money. She then put a huge space between my father's brothers. She then lost my family home to not paying the taxes. She always resented that home. That my dafld didn't buy her a new place. So, finally, as an adult living in another state, I cut her off. No way would I have gone to her if she was in hospice. She eventually died suddenly. I did not attend the funeral. I have no idea where she is buried. I will never go there. The hurt a parent can inflict on us can be done many ways. I wish someone had said to me that they respect my decision instead of trying to push me towards her. I have repaired some of my broken relationships with family.
You sound like a young person who has zero compassion. This young girl had none either. Don't go into patient care if you have no human compassion. BTW...if you abandon parents, expect that God will deal with you some day. IT is a heinous evil thing to do. God's Spirit will teach you to love if you seek God with all your heart and soul.
@@brendalondon6238I hear you. But a better path is to love when no love is deserved. That is the example of God's love through Jesus. There is NO EXCUSE for abandoning a parent who is on their death bed.
The fact that the patient told you that you "should have said he had to come" & then told you to get out like it was your fault tells me everything i need toknow about that patient. You aced that situation. Well done. You respected and maintained healthy boundaries in all interactions... something most people don't manage.
Ah yes, because judging someone’s entire character based on how they’re acting at the scariest moment of their life, when they’re literally on their deathbed & facing all the unknowns is definitely the way to go 🤪 We also have absolutely NO idea what the “no contact” is about….maybe it’s due to a manipulative family member, lies, or a crazy misunderstanding. The fact that you’re pretending to know for a fact that the dying patient is bad bc they lashed out in a hospice hospice bed is peak comment section. Everything wrong with the internet
@@isitoveryet9525plenty of people on the brink of death manage not to be manipulative bullies. I don’t give a fuck how scared that old shit was. He should have been a worthwhile father.
@@CherryGryffon ohh a veiled threat, a wish for bad things for another person, how lovely. No wonder you're mad they can see the behavior of another manipulator for what it is.
Same here girl! Stay strong and dont let people guilt trip you into thinking you need to forgive everything a parent does to you simply because they are your parent.
I am a CNA. I work with the elderly and I say it all the time. Just because they are old,cute, and nice now does not mean they have been good people their whole lives. The way he threw you out? Manipulation and probably the way he has always been. His true colors just came threw.
So true! My mom worked in a nursing home and one of the patients was a murderer. Not just a murderer, but murdered their own children! Nice & sweet to me and all the staff as an elderly patient... Never would've guessed that about then in a million years
I mean he could have just wanted to be alone after the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened. I do think it says enough that his kid refused but damm your comment is weird af, telling someone to leave YOUR room when you are bed bound and upset is NOT manipulation 😂
@@jennyhaslayer1396 yes and no, a gentle 'will you leave' possibly crying, rather than yelling, lol. But yeah, he could have dementia or something.....still..............sounds like you are justifying some unresolved anger issues you have......
he got bad news and communicated directly he needed to be alone. yeah he should've done it without yelling but dying is usually p messy with your emotions. manipulation would be if he told a dramatic story to trick her into talking to his son again or something of that nature, manipulation inherently involves deceit, and there's no evidence that he was being dishonest.
@@sapphita6099Pushing someone past their boundaries & theN telling them to "get out" when she is explaining what she is willing to do- is manipulation, IMHO.
As a no contact sibling, niece and granddaughter, thank you for your response and respect in this situation. Your job is still to care for that patient (and I fully understand having a connection him, even after this incident) just as I would expect my grandparents to be cared for despite my issues with them, but I wouldn't come either. I can only imagine how hard this was for you ❤️
@@roblink4781with all due respect, if you raised your kids cruelly, that's why they went no contact; if you raised them to be selfish brats that no longer see value in associating with you, you should have raised them better. PS not literally YOU, just a way of speaking
This is a medical "no contact" list... which is set up by the patient or the doctor (advocating in the patient's best interests). It was NOT set up by the son. So many people are assuming the son went 'no contact' and they're filling in the blanks with their own experiences, assuming that the patient was abusive. Obviously, this patient needed assistance or the nurse wouldn't be there. He can talk... but that doesn't mean he can see or dial. If anything, she could've dialed the number on a phone in the patient's room and they could've had a direct interaction. IF the son said "no" or hung up the phone, then she could've comforted her patient whom she claims to love ... "I love this patient so much..." She's a liar. She doesn't love her patient. She's deeply cruel and she took pleasure in doing it... AND she video taped it and several have done the same thing that you've done and *applauded* her for it. You have NO idea what happened in their relationship and neither does she. She didn't need to video tape this and ask everyone if she did the right thing. She's BRAGGING about her cruelty... and you guys are giving her kudos for doing it. Great job... patting the narcissist on the back for what she did to him while her patient (aka victim) was forced to endure because he's in such a vulnerable position.
As a no contact guy with a lot of his family I thank you for your sensitivity. No contact is not for fun it’s for survival and self preservation. Thank you for being so understanding.
Spot on with survival and self preservation!! Your comment is very accurate. It’s not fun at all. Extremely brutal emotionally. For me the freedom is worth the discomfort.
Yes!! I've seen comment sections on social media with hundreds of parents claiming that their kids decided to cut them off for no good reason. The lack of self awareness is really sad. My dad was severely neglectful to the point where I didn't have food or hygiene items, but he would tell you that he has no clue why we don't talk.
😂 there’s multiple people in your family that want you dead? And would actively seek that out? No your just a victim. A crybaby who likes feeling down and looking for sympathy. Cause it tickles your brain in a way no other emotion does.
@@cam2023x same here. I see In sensitive comments on social media too, judging children who are no contact. People need to respect other's decisions on this, they have no idea what the child went through, and no contact is usually for good reasons.
SO "SENSITIVE" she plasters someone else's private business all over the damn internet for clicks and views? Would you be OK with YOUR nurse putting your private family business on blast for attention and monetary gain like this?
I don't think she was fired. Her patient needed space. I handle end of life matters and my clients do get upset and have asked me to leave. Not many... after some time away, they are always happy I returned. I'm here to vent to, care for and help find comfort.
As someone who is no contact with my father, I really appreciate what you did and how you responded. You respected that his son has boundaries and understand that even if this patient is nice now to you, he may not have been a good father or person in the past. I also think you respected your patient by doing what you could, while stoll respecting the wishes of his NC son. I think you definitely did the right thing all around. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
There is not a single person who refuses contact with a parent for absolutely no reason. The reaction of the patient just proves what kind of person and parent that patient is.
@@njcanuckI’m sure it happens - but it’s been an entire lifetime. If the father had been UNFAIRLY alienated, there was already plenty of time to prove that. Obviously he didnt
@@njcanuckFun fact: the "child psycologist" who coined the term parental alienation syndrome was an admitted pdf and mlsogynlst. He believed men having inapproprite relations with their kids was natural, and that women were inheritly spitefuI and vengefuI and wanted to ruin the relationship kids had with their father. He created and structured pas into a legaI term to protect pdfs, and its still today a term used in the courts to dismiss child @buse allegations and protect pdfs.
Unfortunately sometimes narcissists are the reason for estrangement. My husband is estranged from his children bc of his ex wife... she will not allow them to have a relationship with their half siblings, her, or their step dad if they speak to their paternal grandmother, uncle, cousins or their father. Everyone likes to act like this doesn't exist, but it is the same exact behavior as being in a cult. I myself have abusive parents I could rightfully become estranged from any day, so I see the other side... but parental alienation/enmeshment is sinister and rarely discussed
you people use these psychological talk in the situation of dying?? There are moments in life that are serious and require thinking for yourself not following trends from tik tok. Boundaries are important to stay safe. There is not other use of boundaries tnaj your own health and safety. It should never be used as manipulation or revenge and crual behaviour. I hope this son will wake up remorsful after years and will see what he had done. If he has children I hope he will be a better parent, but likely will remain a terrible person who never forgive.
How are you diagnosing someone you don't know and haven't medically examined with narcissism?? People sever family ties for some of the most petty reasons sometimes. Not always over a personality disorder
@@joannapaw4040dying doesn't suddenly make you a good person. You don't have the right to be a Judgy McJudgyface. It's very possible the son won't regret anything, and you don't have the right to say otherwise! Mind yo' bidness!
@diamondly6250 Still doesn't excuse whatever unknown pain he inflicted on his son. It takes a lot for someone to go no-contact in most cases, so that says a lot about ones character in my eyes. I myself am no-contact with my father.
The fact that he told you, someone there to help him, to get out gives a great deal of insight into his character and perhaps why his son wants no contact.
@ed1360 When the hospice nurse suggested composing a letter to communicate with the son, the dying patient refused. This tells me the patient's true goal was not communication; it was to regain control over another person. Since the son didn't comply with the order to come in-person and the nurse was unsuccessful in convincing him to show up, patient is angry. It's not the nurse's job to mend fences between family members or be an accessory to a client's abusive tactics. Hospice nurses are there to facilitate any end-of-life care, bring comfort during the process of transition, and advocate for such on behalf of the patient. However, that doesn't permit overstepping anyone's personal boundaries or breaking laws. Whatever mistakes this man made during his 80 years, he's reaping the consequences now. He had years to apologize, make amends, get therapy, self-reflect, have heart-to-heart discussions, or say/do whatever to restore the father-son relationship but he either chose not to do it or doubled-down on making people hurt. A genuinely reformed heart isn't stingy with any opportunity to reach out. Dying doesn't always transform human behavior into something better. It will AMPLIFY personality traits and the inward state of one's life journey. For embittered people, death may signal an urgency to get one more jab in before they go. No guarantee of their last words being uplifting, insightful, peaceful, or full of contentment. Sounds nasty and cruel but it happens. Son is likely protecting himself from further emotional/mental harm by declining his dad's request. People who won't change, learn, or humble themselves end up very lonely. Those who haven't extended love and kindness should not be the ones demanding others to give it to them in their last days. I feel the son's silence is reciprocal to the bad/negligent treatment his father gave him.
I agree. Having been emotionally abused by a narc for many, many years, my red light started flashing right away. And, having also been the caregiver for 4 people who’ve passed from various cancers, I can say that while some may get cranky, not a one of them treated me in the way this person did to the kind nurse.
Not true. Assuming a healthy adult, people often want to be alone with sever emotions. Since this is an elderly hospice patient there could be many additional reasons. Being told to get out may not be anything to do with the nurse! It might well have just meant I need to be alone right now!
@ed1360 When the hospice nurse suggested composing a letter to communicate with the son, the dying patient refused. This tells me the patient's true goal was not communication; it was to regain control over another person. Since the son didn't comply with the order to visit in-person and the nurse was unsuccessful in convincing him to show up, patient is angry. It's not the nurse's job to mend fences between family members or be an accessory to a client's abusive tactics. Hospice nurses are there to facilitate any end-of-life care, bring comfort during the process of transition, and advocate for such on behalf of the patient. However, that doesn't permit overstepping anyone's personal boundaries or breaking laws. Whatever mistakes this man made during his 80 years, he's reaping the consequences now. He had years to apologize, make amends, get therapy, self-reflect, have heart-to-heart discussions, or say/do whatever to restore the father-son relationship but he either chose not to do it or doubled-down on making people hurt. A genuinely reformed heart isn't stingy with any opportunity to reach out. Dying doesn't always transform human behavior into something better. It will AMPLIFY personality traits and the current inward state of one's life journey. For embittered people, death may signal an urgency to get one more jab in before they go. No guarantee of their last words being uplifting, insightful, or full of contentment. Sounds nasty and cruel but it happens. Son is likely protecting himself from further emotional/mental harm by declining his dad's request. People who won't change, learn, or humble themselves end up very lonely. Those who haven't extended love and kindness should not be the ones demanding others to give it to them in their last days. I feel the son's silence is reciprocal to the bad/negligent treatment he received from his father.
Ir’s an 80 year old man. It’s likely He didn’t want to cry around a nurse (or any other person). I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt though. The yelling about it was a bit much. He could have asked more quietly (but he is dying and on very strong meds).
As a "no contact kid", we do often get the guilt trips.."life is short" etc and yes, which is why i choose to protect my peace...because before the peace was littered which chaos. Thanks for being a good nurse, and i think for what its worth..you did the right thing.
Some people don’t understand that saying “life is short” only strengthens my certainty. Yes, life is short, which is why I don’t want to spend any more years being subjected to abuse.
"You need to keep in contact! He's your father, life is short!" "I hope his is shorter :)" -The last words my great aunt and I ever spoke to each other after the dude finally caught prison time for his epstein tendencies. I am sick to death of managing the emotions of people whose feelies get all uncomfie when they have to consider that someone they like has hurt people that badly, and sicker to death of pretending that's the only reason they want me to shut up and act like nothing happened.
Exactly, life is short why would I waste time on someone that obviously could not have cared less? If family is so important, maybe they should have treated you right instead of expecting you to take BS. Goes both ways, but bullies and abusers won't acknowledge that.
Peace littered with chaos sums up things I had to endure. My mother's entire family including her own parents respected my no contact. Well...except my flying monkey sister. Finally told her I did not want to hear anything of our mother except that she died. I have no more energy to give the chaos.
As a no-contact person that is easily guilt tripped, you would have been the keeper of my peace here by not engaging in guilt. Thank you for the thoughtful work that you do.
It's also NOT HER JOB OR IN HER JOB DESCRIPTION TO INSIST ON relatives that don't want to come to come. Personally I would be calling once or twice and after that if the called person didn't answer I am done. As a hospice nurse I have a million other things I need to do.
The fact that he told you that you should have ordered his child to come see him, I think, tells a lot about how he treated his children. You did the right thing.
Not really. Dying is the end. There will be no more opportunities for apologies or forgiveness, on either side. I know a woman who did not visit her dying sister. 5 years later the lost opportunity finally struck her and she deeply regrets not seeing her before she died.
yup if i was in that guys situation id ask the nurser to let my kids know and to tell them if they wish to come that is there choice but if not there is no pressure and i understand and id go with whatever the outcome is my outlook would be id want them to have the opportunity if they felt they needed to come see me or if they wanted to he on the other hand only seems to want them there for himself
@@birgittabirgersdatter8082Not everyone cares about forgiveness or apologies. Not everyone feels regret, especially for their abusers. People shouldn't give up their current peace of mind on the off chance that maybe, possibly, at some point in the future, they _might_ feel bad.
You did the right thing. My husband went no contact with his dad and when he was hospitalized, one of the times, a nurse made my husband feel horrible for not coming to see his dad. Another time, a nurse told my husband that she was just notifying him that his dad was hospitalized and that my husband didn't owe anyone an explanation of why he wasn't coming. It was such a weight lifted.
I'm really glad your husband was spoken to decently by the nurse the other time. It's one thing to know what you should do, to be validated for it makes all the difference.
You handled this perfectly. It is so heartening to see people supporting children who have made the choice to cut contact. It is a hard choice that many of us feel guilty about, so having people respect our choice and refuse to apply pressure/ guilt is wonderful. Thank you for sharing.
As a no contact kid who didnt visit my dad when he was dying you handled this very well. I get guilt tripped from my family a lot for this decision but he was abusive
I Honestly Have The Same Situation It’s As If The People That Guilt Trip You Are Trying To Downplay The Abuse As If Because He Is Family He Can Do No Wrong 😑
Same situation. I will not be guilt tripped to see a man who abused me. I have forgiven him, but that forgiveness does not mean I have to put myself back in a situation that could damage me further.
I haven't talked to my father in over 3 years. Sometimes the thought of him dying scares me because I don't want to see him and I also don't want the guilt. Hope you're doing well, and I hope your family gets off your back
Yes! Came to say the same thing. It’s a sad situation, but it takes years and years of abuse (all kinds) for most children to come to that painful decision. Thank you for respecting all sides.
Every situation is different. Sometimes kids are lead astray by others that want to control them. Some kids make things up then start to believe their own lies. It depends on the situation. You cannot say that every situation has very good reasons. Some do not.
Sadly, some kids do put up with lifetimes of trauma & abuse before getting the strength to walk away, and I respect them for finding that courage. But there are also kids who cut off contact for petty, cruel, selfish & controlling reasons of their own too. And their can be misunderstandings as well. Family dynamics are complicated, because people are complicated 🤷♀️
I just wished you would've capitalized the words 'VERY GOOD REASONS' in your comment❤️🩹 As someone who went no contact with my mother & only sibling 9 years ago, and everyone thinks I must be the monster & deserve my suffering in poverty now-- folks don't know the LIFETIME OF HELL that causes someone to make such a drastic move. The local police, after encountering my mother's psychotic rage...said ' Run as far away as fast as you can.' I was 43. She told folks the only thing I'll ever get from her is my grave plot. VERY GOOD REASONS PPL...
You absolutely did the right thing. Some of these people think that they can live a life of hate and meanness and then expect their supposed loved ones to come rushing to them at the end of their life. It doesn't happen that way. You have to nourish the relationship
100%. My FIL is always so upset about his family being no-contact with him, especially one of his daughters. He'll say things like "Well, I bought her a car some years ago so she should at least be talking to me. I didn't do anything wrong to her. I wasn't mean or anything, I bought her a car!". We have tried explaining why she won't see him or even talk to him but he just dismisses it like that or says "No, I didn't do any of that." and stuff like that. It's sad but after being around him and living with him I can completely understand why no one but my husband stuck around.
These children made the decision many years to break away from parents and family. My son is like this. I was always there for him . I didn't have any bad situations with him he just won't call or write or anything for several years now. I would love to see him and wife before I die but if I don't, so what. He will have to live with that, I tried.
@@kayedavis8497There usually is a very real reason why children stop contacting their parents and maybe because you're a part of that situation you can't see your past behaviour clearly. To me it seems like most parents just don't do that self-reflection for whatever reason and blame their falling out on the child. Sometimes the reason is little things over a long time that you wouldn't even notice but to a child that's fully reliant on their parents it means much more.
@@DaydreamingSophiewow brutal analysis. The kid might just be an ungrateful twat now he's an adult and has his own family! Or it might be a million other things including abuse the mum doesn't know about or mental health issues but to assume it's likely to be the mum's behaviour is harsh.
I am a no-contact kid. You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. Thank you for respecting the boundary the son set. I am sorry that he threw you out, but you did the right thing.
Well done. My brother tried to guilt me into seeing our father (ten years no contact) before he died. I told him I mourned the loss of my father years ago, and to please not ask me to do so again.
havent talked to my dad in 20 something years. hes a local cop and lives maybe 10 minutes away I just have nothing to say to him nor does he have anything to say that I want to hear. to me he died decades ago.
You are an amazing human being. Your patience's response did not cause you to cross your own boundaries, nor did you cross the boundaries of his son. His anger has nothing to do with you, no matter how much he wants it to. Congratulations on loving yourself enough to not back down & know that you responded perfectly to both of them!
I hear you. My father died 2.5 years ago. I mourned his death 5 years priorvwhen I cut contact. I had family try to guil trip me into visiting and forgiving him on his deathbed. I didn't. I don't harbour any guilt.
Ngl, I thought this video would trigger me as a no-contact child myself, but the respect you have for the son and patient at the same time is a relief. Thank you for sharing
I get both sides. I would feel torn, also! but as a hospice nurse?? her job title is literally caring for her patients' final needs, comforting and caring for people who are on their deathbed... it makes sense for her as a non-involved professional to call the adult and say "I heard you weren't speaking to your father, but he wanted me to pass the message that he is dying, and would like to see you one last time." That seems fair, and not super traumatic (I know everyone is different)... much better than hearing from parent directly. And she couldn't know the details of their issues, she's just doing what she can do in a job that requires so much empathy, compassion, emotional toughness etc. It's one of those truly respectful "hard job, but somebody has to do it!" like Police, Teachers, Hospice Nurses, embalmers, military... etc
There’s no question you were thrown out due to anger, frustration, possible guilt, etc. over to the CHILD, not you. Being a middle man can be the toughest position. You were willing to be a messenger without crossing a line and did your best. Hopefully you’re feeling better by now. Best wishes!💕
"Not my place to guilt trip" . I think you indeed did the right thing. I hope my family gets the high quality health care you provide. I love how you love this patient, care for his dying process AND hold yourself in integrity.
But she's only caring for his process and not the child's. A parent doesn't get to traumatize their child and then have someone else do it on their behalf just because they're dying. As a daughter of a toxic mother who would do this exact same thing, it bothers me that so many people are commending her for this 💔
@@MarmadukeTheCat19XX Are you sure you watched the video? The nurse did NOT do anything to traumatize the son. She shared the information with him. When he said that he was not going to visit she told him that she respected his decision. That is the most kind and compassionate way she could have handled it. Your comment doesn't make sense.
You taught me something when my father passed that helped me enormously. You’ve never met me and you probably never will. But you made a difference and it helped me. I’ve repeated it many times to others. “You don’t owe people who abused you peace”
@@shirleyherman2835She didn’t say that. She was relating this situation to her own painful yet healing experience & used the opportunity to thank Hadley.
I have been no-contact with my mother for over 12-years & I know the day is coming when I will get that call & my response will be the same. Thank you for respecting the sons decision. You handled this perfectly! (The patient seems like a very entitled person, which is probably the reason his son doesn't want to see him.)
You did the right thing!! I'm no contact with both parents and if I was contacted my answer would be an empathetic NO!!!! I was beaten, starved, mentally, & emotionally abused. I owe them nothing. No abused child owes their abusive parents a thing!
Definitely, you did the right thing. You are the messenger, not a their counselor. You have a huge heart and much, informed experience. Had he not 'fired' you, I suspect that you might have offered
For someone you don’t know to call you and demand to them, is stepping over the line as hospice. I am so sorry you went through all that trauma, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t. Guilt tripping is the worst. Telling you to forgive 😳what about the pain you they put you through. I don’t doubt whichever one gets the nurse to call, lied about you being the bad girl, and the punishment was never as severe as she said. We love our children, blah, blah, blah. No contact is up to you! Stay strong
Just because I’m on your side, I want to mention the typo- you mean emphatic. Please don’t accidentally send anything to those people that says you feel empathetic- they don’t deserve your empathy. ❤
Absolutely right! I went no contact with my parents years before their deaths (her for the abuses - him for allowing the abuse). I shed no tear for their deaths. I only felt relieved that that chapter of my life was over.
No. It really doesn't at all. It tells you what kind of character he was to his nurse, on one specific day, while in the midst of facing his own death.
That's exactly what I was thinking. He wants to disrespect his son's boundaries, guilt trip the son, blame the nurse, and get angry for the nurse for respecting someone else? He has no respect for his son or the nurse. What an awful human.
@@a_burning_rose you don't even know this person and yet youre going to call him an awful person over 1 bad experience with his nurse while hes on his death bed? I think if you worked healthcare youd undersatnd, most people are not very happy to be in the hospital lol
It's hard to not judge this man over this one occurrence with only knowing he's estranged from his son. I've done or said things I regret when I was upset before. Obviously the man is in an emotional state when he knows he's about to die.
Except she didn't respect boundaries. No contact means no contact. She can talk about respect all she wants but she doesn't know the wound she may have opened or whatever
@@Eggy79 "no contact" but the patient is dying. Son was listed as a contact for a reason. If she hadn't alerted the son at all, they could've later complained to the facility. Unless it's clearly written in their policy exactly what "no contact" means and under what circumstances contact will occur, it's better to err on the side of at least informing the family of the patient's current status. 10 years is a long time to be in hospice.
@@Eggy79 no contact doesn't mean restraining order. It means no contact. And I think the child has the right to be offered the opportunity and the choice whether they want to visit their parent on their death bed.
Yeah this feels very grey.. I'm no contact but if my father was dying I would still appreciate the phone call. It would be a hard NO but worth knowing about
You're an angel and you advocated for your patient. You are not responsible for the response. You did good. I'm a retired nurse and we often receive undeserved anger. Keep up your practice, it's one of the best examples of nursing challenges I've seen.
You did the right thing. I'm on hospice and also no contact with my mother for at least 30 years. I'm a 47 year old female and have no plans to talk to her ever again. Your patient should not blame you for his past. Most kids are not going to go no contact unless there's a really good reason. ❤
@@AvaEFF thank you for thinking about me. I just got out of the hospital (emergency surgery x3 because it was something unrelated to why I'm in hospice so I can get treatment for anything that has nothing to do with my hospice care) I'm in hospice because of Lupus, RA, and lung issues. The emergency surgery was because my bowl was dead and had to be removed or it would have killed me. It was crazy because the doctor said I needed surgery and I was in the OR in less than 20 minutes. I had no idea that they moved that quick 😂. Now after 3 surgeries in 3 days back to back, 4 days on a ventilator, a week in ICU, 2 days in a step down unit, 4 days in a regular room, and a week in rehab facility to learn how to get in and out of a wheelchair and gain back some muscle tone (yes your muscles get extremely weak when you are knocked out on a ventilator) now I'm back home and back on hospice care. My 11 yr old son is rocking out with helping me with day to day stuff. He's an awesome little man. If not for him I wouldn't go through half the stuff I do. I can't understand why parents treat their kids so bad then expect them to come running just because they're dying. My son is my world and I make sure he knows it. I just hate that he doesn't know/have grandparents because of how they are. It's sad but it's life. I even drove 7 hours each way every other month when he was younger so they could have a relationship but they treated him horrible too so I stopped and he understands why. Crazy thing is that his cousin (my brothers son) is treated like gold...... We can't pick our family.
Clinical psychologist here. I think you handled the situation with maturity and grace. Your compassion is evident, as are your boundaries. Thank you for doing what you do💜
Ummmm no it doesn’t! You can not sum up 80 years bec of a dying act. Have you ever been dying before, I have and you will try anything to get that comfort before you do. We have no idea what the reason is you assumed you did!
@@Wetzel983Thing is, you may have been dying, but I've been the grandchild of someone who died. Twice. One of them I was in contact with because I wasn't old enough to cut contact. The other, I wasn't able to be in contact with because I had to go no-contact with his wife, my grandmother. Both my other grandparents will die while I remain no-contact with them, as will one of my parents, and one day also my brother. We can see in the video that the father is manipulative and controlling. As shown by his phrasing that she was echoing of "tell him to visit" and his insistence that she should've been more forceful with him. He also yells at her when she's just doing her best. If he's treating her like that, there's EVERY reason to assume he treats his own child as badly or worse. Being on your deathbed doesn't give you the right to force someone back into your life who left to protect themselves. In fact, I have less respect for deathbed apologies than if someone just reached out for the sake of feeling guilty and wanting to apologise. If it took you being on your deathbed to realise you were an a**hole... I don't know what to say but "do better" - regardless whether that's you specifically or other people like the one this video is referring to. Only you also kinda proved my point in your own comment. You said yourself that it was not about guilt or wanting to apologise, but rather, about your comfort and your feelings. And nobody who has cut contact owes you that. Nobody. You are responsible for dealing with your own emotions surrounding dying and you are the one who has to live with your own choices. I recently found out that my ex's stepfather has cancer and might be dying. If he reaches out to apologise to me for things that happened 15 years ago, I actually won't be responding or open to it, because he's had this long to apologise and if it was really so important, he already would've. Now, it would probably only be to comfort himself and feel less alone while he dies and that's not my job and it's not my son's job. You are responsible for mending those bridges BEFORE you are on your deathbed. Nobody owes you sh*t. (Swear words edited because TH-cam has flagged and removed comments of mine with them in it before.)
Lots of 🚩 1. He can talk / shout so he could’ve (should’ve) phoned his son himself. If he’s too weak to hold the phone you or someone else can dial and hold the phone for him. He put his responsibility on you. 2. He tried to control the outcome with zero effort. ‘Did you tell him he must come?’ 3. He shouted at the person who took the time and energy to do him a favour. 4. You love your patient. Hmmm. Is it because he’s charming and sweet? Turning on the charm relentlessly and then verbally punishing the person who’s done you a favour BECAUSE of that charm? Yeah right. He’s not a nice sweet old man. FAFO season has hit him. 5. No other family members or friends who can make this phone call? Again. FAFO. There’s absolutely a v valid reason his son has gone NC.
Exactly- demonstrated evidence towards the son's no-contact. Sad situation. If the patient cares AT ALL, he will write that letter to help heal the SON. Make it not about the father. Doubtful this will happen, and exactly why the son should stay away if he needs to. I hope the father heals too.
I mean, technically it’s his last chance to see his son that he hasn’t seen it in years. Can’t really blame him, that he had a human reaction.. probably just needed to be by himself a little bit to swallow that hard jagged pill. that sucks
As a no-contact kid, thank you. I'm sorry you are the one who was yelled at. You may have just gotten a glimpse into why his kids don't speak to him anymore. My dad is a very nice man until he's not. It was a roller coaster I no longer wanted to be on.
Im a hospice nurse too. You did exactly what I would have done. I give information & allow everyone to make their own decisions. I tell them that I respect their decisions & do not judge.
My mom was a hospice nurse for many years. To this day, she says the biggest lesson she learned in all those years was that you die how you live. If no one comes to your side in the end, chances are, you should’ve lived and loved differently. Edit: Yes, I know there are exceptions to every rule. That’s a given.
The fact that they yelled and tried to force you to cross lines just demonstrates why their family went no contact. You absolutely did the right thing.
I was once that child. I hadn't talked to my mother in 10 years when she passed. I appreciate people like you for doing the job I couldn't and wouldn't. Personally, I am glad the people caring for her didn't know her as I did. It made it easier for them to be compassionate in their care.
I can relate to this to an extent....i just hope i get to see and help my mom change before one of us is gone...i have a couple of issues due to traumas that can sometimes cause me to be unheathily attached to her..but i do in the end just want a family...even if shes just good to my son and sister. I'll do what i can to make their lives better than mines been. Im sorry for loss in your life, but i hope you have found peace and joy in your life to move forward❤
THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING. I get guilt trips from my mother for not speaking to my brother for 15+ years, but she's unwilling to listen to a snippet of the reasons why. People don't go no contact for no reason.
No we do not. I’ve not had contact with my older sister for over 20 years. Even when I had custody of her 2 kids. We tried for the better part of a year to get her to adhere to the visitation rules the judge set. She and her husband were supposed to have visitation with them once a week. Then it was changed to every two weeks since she asked for that supposedly because of her job as a chef at a major restaurant. That still didn’t happen. Then it went to one weekend a month. After about 9 months the judge was as fed up with her crap as myself and the mediator were. I felt bad for the mediator because she was taking time away from her personal time with the amount of driving she had to do to get to where we were supposed to be meeting my sister and BIL. The judge finally just said to hell with it. If you can’t even be bothered to visit your kids when you asked to, then maybe you shouldn’t be allowed to be around them at all. That was 21 years ago. She couldn’t even be bothered to come to her own kids high school and college/mechanic school graduations. Neither could their so called father, Dirk. He’s since tried to speak to them but they want nothing to do with either of them. I don’t either.
My aunt did go no contact with her mom for "no reason" but for assuming without knowing and greed from her and her husband. They assumed that my mom got everything from the money but she didn't which she proved that all the money she got was the same amount and because she was the one caring for her mom she got money from the health insurance that is only for the medication and health care stuff from her mom. She didn't spend a thing from that money for herself. With proof. They didn't believe my mom, my uncle, not a kid from my grandma, threatened my grandma to get them more money so my grandma took the keys from him and said get out. My aunt, the kid from my grandma, believed her husband more and got no contact for a reason that could be prevented... my grandma wasn't mad at her, she wanted to her but my aunt and husband changed their number. 8 years. Grandma died no one from them was there but the had the balls to sue my mom. My mom won and you know what... as bad as it was for my grandma, the karma for my aunt for probably realising that she went no contact for NO REASON and she will now never see her again, is the best feeling I've ever had. Stupid cow.
Since I decided to go no contact I've found I'm less stressed. I'm enjoying life more. And I don't feel guilty about it. Don't get me wrong I love my family, but I don't deserve to be treated like a servant just because I'm from my dad's first marriage. Screw that shit.
His "get out" SHOWS you why his kids won't visit. He may be kind to you, but that's because not only are you his literal life-line, but you are there for him regardless of what else he has done. He is the type to take advantage of people and be kind ONLY as long as they serve a purpose.
As a NC child, I hope a hospice nurse treats me with the same dignity and respect as you have. Thank you so much for respecting their wishes. We need more nurses like you ❤
I had a mother who was SO abusive to me most of my life. She also popped pills daily (Vicadin, Valium, any pills, she didn't care). We didn't speak for the last 12 years of her life, and it was a mutual decision. I tried 3 times to ask her if she was willing to talk a bit and see if we could repair things before we totally quit speaking, but she said "NO" each time. So we then quit speaking. Fast forward to when she's dying 12 years later, in a hospice facility. I had no interest in seeing her, and her nurse did write me a letter. I still didn't want to see her, and l still have NO regrets. She was cruel and abusive to me and put her pill habit 1st in her life. As a result, l lacked clothes, food, etc as a child. I never expected her to be perfect as a parent, but she was just plain cruel and abusive to both me and others in her life! So my mother made her own bed, and it's her fault she died alone. The nurse did the right thing!
Sometimes we need to accept that people are sick even without a medical diagnosis. That way there would be less room for hurt feelings. Anger is a temporary thing, being cold inside inside is sth. you carry along even after that person is gone, I think...
@@sarahscharber5559thanks god You didnt read that letter, she wanted to make You guilty one LAST time before dying and probably blame You for her loneliness, a LAST ego trip for abusing what she consider her victim
If they do not treat you the way this nurse treated both of these people then you can always hang up the phone. You do not need that attitude in your life and deserve better than that.
@@HSK.Lerneryou’re right in the fact that often times there is something medically wrong that can make someone become addicted or even act out but that does not necessarily mean forgiveness needs to be given. Often times society tells people we’re obliged to tolerate abhorrent behavior because they are family. “You should forgive her because she’s your mom” is something I heard myself and I have a few friends who are no contact that hear it as well. I don’t think we’re required to keep people in our lives who only bring us down and make our lives harder. Granted, nuance and different situations play a role in every story, but we need to make sure if someone has decided to go no contact we don’t judge or put pressure on them, we allow them their choice to remove a toxic person from their life.
As a retired RN who worked in hospice, you did the right thing. 100%. Not the easiest job in the world but very rewarding. Keep doing what you do. Much love and respect.
As a therapist who has worked with folks who have gone no contact, thank you for respecting that person's boundary. You absolutely made the right choice.
As a no contact child, you did the right thing. My father tried to get my siblings to see him before he died. We didn't. He was a monster of a human being and the worst kind of parent a child could have. Someone from the hospital tried to guilt my sister into coming, until she explained exactly what kind of person he was, and then they apologised profusely. 🙃 I appreciate the work you do, thank you. ❤
Ugh, I hate that. My dad's hospice nurses were the same way, which my mom encouraged. Nurses, just because a patient is nice to you, does not automatically mean they're a good person. Most abusers wear masks.
@@WobblesandBean I wish this was its own comment not a reply. More people need to read this! Being able to be charming is not the same as being a decent human being!
@@tfrtrouble exactly, my mom is someone that anyone she would spark convos with would be in total belief that she was a charming, funny, nice and helpful person but little do they all know, she was/is a monster behind closed doors. She is my example that if you don't move on from childhood trauma, you'll be a problem to the people around you.
And it the reverse situation - if the ill person doesn’t want a family member there respect their wishes. I also had a problem with a funeral home going behind my back contacting estranged family members. Make sure all your advance directives are in order and include a notarize a distribution of remains.
No contact for 10 years? The patient is rather presumptuous to assume it is YOUR fault for doing it wrong 🤦♀️
He was banking on the idea that having the nurse call would be the silver bullet through the kid's boundaries. He totally has the power to reach out with love and try to mend things, but instead he took out his frustration on a nurse he is lucky to have.
“i can see why they went no contact” would be my first thought
yes! They were no contact for ten years and he blames the nurse???!!!
@@_outofphase5480 Lashing out at someone because they're there is probably what got him in that spot to begin with.
@@_outofphase5480 being no contact with my father who is a pretty severe narcissist and falls under machiavellianism as well, I can absolutely see that man pushing the blame on her. People like that refuse to accept their role in things. Yes human emotions are complex but if it walks like a duck in most situations it's probably a duck.
Him telling you to "get out" because of you standing your ground is probably what he was like in life.
Idunno. We still do not know though, separate knowing, I err on the side of the adult child, dunno what they went through. But I can’t imagine the emotions of someone about to pass, taking whatever horrific feelings and decades of regret or anger or unresolved brokenness with them…that’s not peace. Not saying a thing about fault or whatever whomever deserves…regardless, I could see someone having a variety of responses to that, whether they are an indication of what they were like or not.
It's just so sad to think that he was horribly mad in his last moments. But what else can one do?
No he was probably just upset that she was his last hope at seeing his son and it failed. I would be sad/mad too and want some alone time as well.
@@pizza8050or both.
@@ec9833don't forget that the patient said "you should have told him that he had to come"... indicating that the parent was demanding and not just sad about the outcome.
Plus that patient could have said "I want to be alone right now" instead of "get out"
The biggest mistake in judging a character is assuming because they were nice to you, they are nice to others too. People can be cruel, behind closed doors.
💯
YUP!
@@htpkey Exactly. My older sister cut out our father after listening into our conversations and hearing how he treats me when he thinks no one can see. Then she convince me to do the same. Best decision ever! I look and feel 10 years younger.
Yes 100 % accurate.. My ex was nasty behind closed doors.
When my parents call I can tell when someone else enters the room because their voice changes SO MUCH. The tone, the words they use, the pitch, the sarcasm. It's wild how they would be embarrassed to be caught speaking like that, but no issues speaking to me like that when no one else is watching.
I'm an ICU nurse. You were 100% in the right. It was very thoughtful of you to offer to help him write a letter and make sure his child got it.
The fact that he told you that you SHOULD have told the son that he HAD to come and then told you to get out when he didn't get what he wanted tells me all I need to know. You did a great job. Bless you!
I would not have wanted to be the father or the son. Regrets come, later in life. You just never know.
You handled the situation perfectly. You have no knowledge of their history. You are a great nurse. Person affair between them after all is personal. He was def in the wrong to tell you to get out.
@@susanh2804shouldn’t have been a terrible father then.
Nah I understand the son. No regrets later. @@susanh2804
Agreed.
That patient's response says a lot about why his son doesnt want to visit him. Kudos to you for being helpful and offering reasonable solutions.
Right!?!?! Like, "You should have told him that he had to come" is so crazy to me.
EXACTLY. He's nice til you don't give him everything he wants.
100% that triggered me 😭 he's just reaping what he sewed. The controlling entitlement drives me crazy
Good grief. Probably more like He’s dying and feels the need to lay his eyes on his child one last time. He probably feels desperate to see him. Have some compassion.
@@CH-kr2dfmaybe he should've thought about how much his son means to him before he saw death next door. I'm not saying the father is for sure the toxic one here but based on limited information....
Not many of us are lucky enough to even have an opportunity for "goodbye" or closure before death. I'll never understand those who don't realise this and think they can outsmart death. If you love someone and see it possible, make things right as soon as possible. Don't wait to cop out minutes before death comes...
The personality shift when you told them they had no control over their family member is a good indicator to what type of person they were back then
This!!!!!!!!!
Yes!!!
Or to what type of person they are when they drop the mask (usually only when only family are present).
Not necessarily, that alone can be common with elderly people who are nearing end of life if they have dementia specifically-they can be frustrated easily and have drastic personality shifts.
That said, the child likely has a good reason for no contact. I just don’t think the personality shift in an elderly hospice patient who is dying and reconciling with never seeing their child again before their death is the indicator. Going no contact is.
@@louderthanwordsInclusivity I doubt it is just frustration when the son has been no contact for years
I've been no contact with my mother for years due to extreme abuse, and she's got everyone thinking that I'm this terrible daughter for "abandoning" her.
Thank you for being so understanding about these things, kids don't usually go no contact unless it's absolutely necessary.
Same. I feel you. Because of that, I went no contact with all of my family. Sometimes it is better to just go through life alone than to continue to subject yourself to abuse.
@ijustreallylikecats Though the situation was probably different, my last surviving family member took joy at one point in lying about me to extended family and friends. Making defamatory remarks that I was not in a position to correct for the record. So I understand how maddening these sorts of intentionally decontextualized or backstabbing narratives can be. I also love cats !
Abusers always do this! 😢
I’ve dealt with this sadly. Especially common among narcissistic abusers of one type or another because they can be SO charming and people have no idea how cruel they can be.
Same. It's just ridiculous
My grandmother, who seggs trafficked me when I was a child, was in a hospital some time ago and the doctor called me because I was the person to contact in the hospital database. When I called back I asked them not to call me anymore and remove me as the contact in the hospital's record system. And I explained to them why. The doctor was so incredibly respectful. Thank you for sharing this. Very validating for us who had to go no contact.
@@meribelgoldwin I am so sorry you went through this. I'm glad you're still here and keep choosing *you* 🦋🌼❤️🌼🦋
@@lovauradragon1819 thank you. It was hard to be here STILL.
I’m so sorry that happened to you 💔
You are incredibly strong to go through something like this and come out shining. ❤
@@akelly4207 thank you
The fact that he immediately tried to get you to guilt trip his son shows why he's dying alone. You handled it perfectly.
Literally exactly what I thought the fact this person instantly thought they had the power to DEMAND the other person to come is scary.
Also P.S.- the fact he told her to GET OUT is also concerning and probably speaks to who he actually is.
And that he immediately took it out on her
you know he wasn’t a good parent
As someone who is no-contact with one of their parents, THANK YOU for handling this situation this way.
Same boat here. I'm glad for this post though. I have not a single F to give for my No Contact "parent".
Now I know to answer with more compassion and assurance to any care taker that reaches out to me though.
Ikrrrrr
Agreed! If I were in that son's shoes, I would be incredibly grateful for how you handled this.
My oldest daughter has not spoken to me or my parents since our divorce 2016. I know she's been brain washed. My x is narcissistic and never ever admit he had anything wrong. I just want her to go see gma n gpa. We have never done anything to her. My parents gave her everything. Car when she turned 16. A grand to fly down to cancan for a wedding of the aunt with 1 of her friends. She shut down when her favorite uncle was KIA in Afghanistan. She was 11.
Agreed! An RN did NOT handle like you and suggested I would regret it later. It's been 20 years no contact. I am a therapist. It was extremely presumptuous and disrespectful to make that comment. I have made my peace. I have already grieved for years the loss of my parents. Thank you for your tact and respect for both parties.
It takes an awful lot for an adult child to go no contact with their parent.
BELIEVE ME.
Good on this nurse.
You absolutely did the right thing. You are a wonderful nurse.
I mean… if he yelled at her to get out… that’s your answer of how he may have been the first 80 years of his life 😑
You handled the situation perfectly. It's up to the son at this point if he needs any further closure. They can both change their minds as far as reaching out, last words etc. Now they both know the situation. The patient took out his rejection on you. Keep up the extraordinary job you do with all your patience. ❤🙏
Agreed. There is nothing else you can do. You have been polite, diplomatic, and accommodating. This is beyond you. Keep up the good work, Ms.Hospice Nurse!
I agree. You did the right thing. As someone who went no contact because of a narcissistic toxic mother, I can foresee that she will do the same when her time comes. They say that people become more of what they really are when they’re dying. So the fact that your patient yelled at YOU when he/she didn’t get their way screams narcissist to me. It’s not you Hadley. It’s your patient’s own issue. You are a good person for trying. You are earning your Angel’s wings!!
Those were the exact words I was going to say. I guess I have some faith that, however, that situation went, whether the offspring connected with the dad at the end or not, it was the right thing for each of them even if it meant pain now or later.
You did EXACTLY the right thing!!
As a woman who was r-ped many times by her father - a man who is now old and starting to fade, and who usually acts charming to strangers but WILL still yell at a stranger - I never want to see him again.
When an 80-year-old yells at you to “get out,” they are still playing the same manipulation/control/abuse games with you that they have played all of their life with others. They are just hoping to make you feel bad! DO NOT FEEL BAD!
You, Hadley, are PERFECT! ☀️
My heart aches for the child you once were and what happened to her. I am so sorry.
Ohmygod same ppl literally used to say he's an amazing father and my mum is so lucky. But he made my mum beg him for money and sexually assaulted me till I got my period.
He's getting old too now and likes to be charming to strangers like yours. When this nurse in the video was talking about how she loved her patient so much- it reminds me of how some ppl talked about him so gullible.
And this is why it disgusts me to see so many comments under this video complaining about how kids these days are “so entitled” and “will go no-contact just because their parents made them help out with chores”. You never know why someone made the choice to cut someone out of their life, and it most likely isn’t over something trivial. No matter how much of a “good person” they seem to you as a total stranger, you have no idea what kinds of things they were capable of doing to those who were close to them.
Also, I’m so sorry to hear about what he did to you. I could never comprehend the amount of pain you must feel to survive something like that. No words other than that I’m so incredibly sorry
@@angelalewis3645 100% this.. narcissitic controlling tactics- Hadley did brilliantly in being respectful and professional but acknowledging that we have no idea who he’s been the last 80 years of his life x
My heart goes out to anyone who has lived through such trauma. YOU ARE VAILD. YOU ARE LOVED. AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT ❤ I love you. Stay safe.
“I have no idea what this person was like in the 80 years before I met them” is so huge!
I really appreciate that about her. I'm glad the hospital staff loved my dad. They saw the side of him I loved too. They didn't see his violent rages when I was a child. He, like a lot of people, was a complicated person.
I thank you for sharing your experience as a hospice nurse. It takes a special person to do what you do. Nurses don't get enough credit for all they do, and the average person has no clue.
I wholeheartedly agree with you.
I’m an affair child. I only ever saw my bio father in public only to be ignored! I only talked to him privately a few times, all he ever said was how I ruined his life and other crappy things. A year ago I got a call that he had cancer and was dying. I was told he wanted to speak to me. I said no thank you and hung up. Two of my half brothers confronted me about it and tried to guilt trip me. I explained I don’t know him and the few times we spoke it was not pleasant. My attorney received a letter from him after he passed. I told him to read it and if it wasn’t bad I’ll read it. Needless to say I never read the letter, my attorney shredded it. You never know why someone is no contact, respect people’s decisions!
The fact that he used some of his last moments alive to abuse you one last time via a letter is disturbing. You didnt deserve that.
Love the fact that you cock blocked the abuse after the narc was dead by having someone else read that letter!!! Narcs LOVE to pull this "final letter" shit where they will shit all over you after they are dead and there is nothing you can do. I've got a similar cock block in place with my narc abuser...all letters read by someone else and only if they aren't bad or insulting will I read them. No one gets to abuse me as an adult!
@@WeetchBeetch Thank you!
Sounds like you ABSOLUTELY made the right call. Good on you, hope you found healing🫶🫶🫶
He couldn't get to you in those last moments & the letter got shredded, he was thwarted at the last.... you win my friend!
Thank you for not guilt tripping family. I love that you said, “I don’t know how this person was for the first 80 years of their life,” allowing for the possibility that individuals change, but not assuming that change has occurred.
Actually, the dying person getting mad and asking her to leave because she wouldn't "force" the family member to come pretty much sums up who this person actually is. 🤔
@@abbykoop5363not necessarily… a lot of people are probably not that composed when dying and facing potentially a life full of regrets and the fact that their own kids won’t see them. But I do tend to believe if your kids won’t talk to you, you royally f*cked up.
It's hard for a person to comprehend how a parent can make a scapegoat out of a child unless it has happened to them.
@@Sam_1984a that is my thought… if your kid cut contact with you, generally, it was for a reason…
Not really, she rather assumed that even if they did change, they may have been awful people before and the kids don’t want to have anything to do with them because of that
As a no contact child, thank you. You still respected the wishes of the patient and asked, but also respected the wishes of the child when they said no. You did the right thing both ways.
I am sorry things in your life created a no contact situation. I hope this nurse, & those in the comments see your message. As much as people want to help, we can quickly find out we caused pain instead of helping.
I TOTALLY AGREE!!! Sorry you had to deal with that also. ❤😢❤
yeah i got the same feel
Agreed
I don’t care what happened I think it’s cruel to not give someone a chance to make amends before death. It’s immature and cruel
As someone who also went no-contact with their parents, and having been on the other side of this as a medical professional. You handled this like a freaking champ. A letter is a wonderful option, and not your fault for how they handled their life situations.
The fact that the patient yelled at you over something out of your control is very telling.
Well my comment was incorrect. But i cant find it so i cant remove it. Sorry.
@@vulpinemachine «My patient told me to ‘get out.’ … As much as it sucks to get yelled at in that way,…»
So, yes, according to the nurse, they were yelled at by the patient.
@@natbarmore I ALREADY PUT A CORRECTION THAT I NOTICED THAT, THANK YOU.
i mean, the guy is dying and desperate, lets not pretend that you are more emotionally superior xD
So. Yell at the son, not the nurse who is caring for you. @@SkyForceOne2 Let's not pretend like your emotions give you the right to mistreat people.
The fact that the patient responded by yelling at you is probably a clue as to why his son went no-contact. I’m sorry that you had to deal with that.
for real :/
This is exactly what I thought too. ☝🏼
100% facts!
Exactly
I came to say that exact same thing!
The “you should have told him he had to come” says everything you need to know!
Facts. It’s easy to seem nice when you’re “old man flirting” with a pretty nurse. Or when the people around you don’t owe you, in your opinion, for giving them life. Some parents just think they own their kids.
Exactly
Thing is, he doesn't have to come. No amount of the nurse telling him he does would change that, so what would even be the point?
@@ttintagelbcuz he will 1 day regret it and also what stopped them from talking all those years? Any information there ?? Thanks.
@@BeeWhistler let's be honest, she's paid to wait on him and attend to his needs. A toxic and self entitled person is going to love having a caregiver. It's equals that they struggle having a relationship with.
People like to say you'll regret it when they pass if you didn't say goodbye. I was no contact with my father when he passed three years ago. I have zero regrets.
Yeah but what about forgiveness?
@@E.Peretica me forgiving him? I'm not going to forgive anything he wasn't apologetic about.
@@E.Peretica Why relieve him of guilt he doesn't even feel?
@@djsaidez271 If he doesn't even feel guilt? Is that what you meant? Nobody truly knows how one feels at the time of their death; however, I would think one would be sorry for any bad things done in their lives that affected others. That's just my 2 cents. I believe that's how I would feel but I'd hope amends would've been made prior rather than immediately before dying. Life's too short to waste it on drama, resentment, anger, etc.
@@ARowBoat But you would've been the better person for having taken that step. Maybe he would've changed. Anger and resentment never helps. A softened heart is everything. ❤
As a no contact child, thank you. Going no contact is the hardest thing I've ever done but it's finally freed me.
The more time I spent no contact, the more clarity I felt. Wishing you clarity.
Same.❤
Yep totally agree it’s the hardest things I’ve done ever and at first I thought I was wrong for doing it but after some time it’s the best decision I have ever done in my life
Your reasons are valid.
As a no contact child, I've met my fair share of noisy people trying to make me feel bad for cutting them out... then I tell them all she did to me, and they feel so bad.
If only some people learned to mind their own business 🤷🏼♀️
@dreambeachdreamer5227 25 seems to be a sweet spot for us to have enough experience about the outside world to understand how their behavior is abnormal.
I've started a book called "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson, and it's really helping a lot regarding closure (that is completely impossible with emotionally immature and/or narcissistic parents in conventional ways, since they refuse to admit any of their faults, and blame everyone and everything else instead, including their own helpless children)
As a no contact kid, thank you for respecting the kid's wishes. If I get that call, my response will be the same.
Ditto. Nurse Hadley's response here is flawless and she respected both sides' statements.
@@alexdavidson7498 No. Honestly, once you hit the no-contact point, you're so over it (and usually have had enough therapy) that things don't matter any longer. There's no relationship left; the person might as well be an unpleasant stranger (or mosquito). I don't gloat over walking away from either of those.
I think you're wrong but not in bad way so to speak.
If for nothing else, you.
I'm not saying forgive or forget anything, and it make take the rest of your life to notice, but saying goodbye even to $hitty people does more than you realize for your soul.
Personally i used it as a chance to prove to myself that i wasn't the person he believed i was.
It may sound silly, or childish, but experience is a hard teacher with no remorse.
@omnigar9611 You are wrong. If peace is going no-contact with a parent, then so be it.
There's a chance that abuse was a huge factor, physical, emotional, mental, or all of it. It could be other reasons that are personal. Not our business, unless information on the situation is freely given.
Say you do that. What makes you think the person they are no contact with won't pull a last minute stunt? My parent would.
Don't guilt people into doing things that you think will benefit their soul, because you don't know what they went through. It might actually destroy their soul instead.
@@omnigar9611 What you think about my situation is meaningless; you know nothing of it.
Getting yelled at like that is exactly how they were the first 80 years of their life.
Before, you were seeing their public face.
Yup, the mask slipped.
Exactly what I was thinking. The insistence that she demand they come visit is the kind of stuff that led to no contact.
That's why the son was no contact for a decade.❤
This!🙌🙌🙌
I'm sure all you lovely people will be polite and sweet as can be when you're on your death bed. I mean what kind of person would be emotional or cranky while they're dying...selfish right
You did the right thing. The day my dad died was a huge relief. First thought I had, he will never be able to hit or yell at me again.
May your patient have an easy passing. Sadly bad parenting results in dying alone. RIP sir may you find comfort and soul growth in your next journey.
As a clinical psychologist and fellow healthcare provider, you absolutely did the right thing. Thank you for representing the best of us as healthcare clinicians. ♥️
Your communication, bravery and honesty are perfect. Protect yourself by not investing your emotions into your pts in their last days. Do everything you do without loving so much ❤
@@jujusma1434erHard to do ❤
@DrCatterBox: It would be really helpful if you could construct a sentence at the 3rd-grade level. You have said (because of your poor construction and misplaced modifier) that the woman in the video is a clinical psychologist and healthcare provider. She appears to be the latter, but is she the former? Or are you, and you just don't understand that the only subject in your sentence is the word "YOU" (meaning HER): "As a clinical psychologist and fellow healthcare provider, you...." Please do better.
@@josswoman4191 Hate much? 🙄
@@josswoman4191I am so sorry! I will definitely do better next time!
“Tell them they HAVE to come!”
And that right there is why they didn’t.
Narcissism at its finest!!!
And demanding she leave for not fulfilling his command says more. IMHO if the patient felt responsible or guilt, the patient would have agreed to the note.
Yep.
Not necessarily; on one's death bed the patient's pain of loss can be a hellish pain. And you expect passivity. He likely was angry that the horror continued. What could be more hellish than to lose one's living adult child(ren)!?! This scenario can go both ways. I explain this in the comments.
Yep, That's a big insight right there into why there's no contact
As a person who is no contact with their mother and has no plans to ever be again, thank you for not using guilt. We got enough of that while they were healthy. Dying doesn't override what they did in life.
Sometimes it's not the dying person's fault. There could be drug abuse, prison sentences, theft, or even elder abuse.
Those are explanations for their behaviour. It is still their fault. @@alfmagoo
@@alfmagoowhataboutism
100% agreed. No matter the circumstances, the scars are there. Many good vibes to you friend, we heal a little bit every day.
Mercy can heal many wounds. Forgiveness at someone's deathbed can help people move on, on both sides.
I'm no-contact with my uncle, haven't seen him or spoken to him in nearly 9 years. He always treated his brother, my dad, like shit. Took advantage of his willingness to help people and never gave anything in return but criticism and degradation. My dad recently forgave him for his terrible behavior since my uncle's in poor health and started interacting with him again. He wants me to see my uncle too and says he's changed... I don't believe it for a second. No-contact should always be respected. You did the right thing ❤
The dude's response is exactly why the kid wouldn't come. I'm sure that kid has a lot of stories to tell.
Oh sure. No such thing as a rotten child.
The fact that he yelled at you hints at what he was like in his youth.
Was about to say exactly this.
AND manipulative because he wanted to force his son to come...
I believe in life reviews after crossing over where you will feel from the other persons’ perspectives toward what you said to them in your life.
One of the last life reviews he would see is the moment he yelled at this kind hearted nurse who was there only to help him.
@@MrsAllen-tm7fepossibly to apologize for something. Something happened between them that makes his son not want to visit. I hope his son changed his mind before he has any regrets after his father’s passing.
Whatever his father has to say could save his son from regrets or feeling bad or anything. You never know.
Or more likely that the parent was a dick to them and they don't want to be around them anymore ever heard of narcissistic toxic parents could you sound like you need to it wasn't the kid that was the problem it's always the parent that's the problem and the kid that just wants to get away from them
As a no-contact child myself (now adult) I want to say thank you, thank you for calling them and thank you for respecting their wishes
I agree, she did the correct thing. She told the child who is now an adult. The child made up their mind. The nurses job ends there. Great job. May the patient RIP when their time comes.❤
@@Crystalclear0everyone’s situation is different. You never know. You just gotta respect their decision.
@@Crystalclear0parents can earn or lose respect, just like anyone else. Granting it when they have not earned it is one cause of needless emotional damage in this culture.
@@Crystalclear0 "cruel" is an interesting word choice. As this nurse said, she doesn't know what happened the first 80 years of the patient's life. Maybe he was cruel to his children. Putting your morals on another person's life doesn't work out too well. ~adult surviver of a horrible childhood
@Crystalclear0 actions have consequences, if a person was horrible enough when they were younger the should expect people to not care/not visit then when they're dying.
You are an angel. Most people judge us kids when we say no. Just because it is our parent doesn't mean they were good to us and just because they seem nice to everyone else doesn't mean they weren't horrible to us personally. Thank you.
As a child who has had no contact, you handled that with grace and compassion. This is what I would want for my parent.
100% RIGHT!
Yes - I agree too ❤
There’s a reason father and son were no contact in the first place and I’m so glad this nurse respected that.
I have been no contact for a while. I want to thank you for starting with “I don’t know how this person was like during the first part of their life” because so many caregivers want to judge that the children don’t visit sweet old mom/dad/ect but fail to realize that person used to abuse , neglect, and be a nasty person to his/her family and that’s why they want nothing to do with them. You know them as the scared old person that doesn’t want to die alone. I knew them as the person that made me want to dye alone.
Boom. Exquisitely stated.
Why you use two different die
That’s deep
Beautiful, well said thank you
Ooof that was so deep and so very true!! I just want to say I’m so sorry you went through that!!
As a nurse of 40 + years, you were right. It's not our job to fix families, but to give support to them. God Bless you.
Take off your top.
As a kid that went no contact with my mother for almost 20 years, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. No one HAS to come visit someone that has obviously been the source of the amount of pain that made them choose to go no contact. He was trying to use you to manipulate and control someone else, and his reaction towards you says EXACTLY why the son went no contact.
The fact that he treated you that way, gives us a glimpse of what his son had to endure.
💯
.... Except the son likely had it much worse.Narcissistic types tend to treat the people closest to them the WORST since they're behind closed doors🥶.
Exactly what I thought, dying or not he had no right to put her in that position.
Like my step dad. He treats me like crap, he will apologize and do it again. But nobody else sees that
@@jessmcafee2557 Run for the hills, he's probably narcissistic.
As a no contact child myself, I am not surprised at the parents response of entitlement. Thank you for being a mediator in such a difficult situation. So much respect for you not guilting the child of your patient🙏🏽 We don’t go no contact for a reason & we also mourn the loss of these parents long before their last breath.
Perfect way of putting it
Perfectly said! ❤
So well said❣️
Well said
Well said.
You absolutely did the right thing. You called the son, who declined. You offered the patient the opportunity of writing a letter and making sure it was delivered and he got mad. That tells me he is not actually interested in healing the rift. Who knows how he would have acted if the son had actually visited. Something tells me it wouldn’t have been what you, and I, would have hoped it to be.
probably would demand respect, offer insults, backhanded praise, and spend a few minutes measuring the emotional scars and how much control he still had. Genius sociopaths might try to leave words that would haunt, but garden variety narcissists will stumble through manipulation exercises.
you can feel this lady is worked up and dealing with "stress" in each part of this. Social work is not always with good people. She keeps her calm.
My stepmother was often mean and hurtful to me even abusive. She lied a lot. She kept me from being with my mother's side of the family. Kept from visits and wedding of my oldest sister. Created suspicious between me and my other sister. She stole my college loan money. She then put a huge space between my father's brothers. She then lost my family home to not paying the taxes. She always resented that home. That my dafld didn't buy her a new place. So, finally, as an adult living in another state, I cut her off. No way would I have gone to her if she was in hospice. She eventually died suddenly. I did not attend the funeral. I have no idea where she is buried. I will never go there. The hurt a parent can inflict on us can be done many ways. I wish someone had said to me that they respect my decision instead of trying to push me towards her. I have repaired some of my broken relationships with family.
I agree
You sound like a young person who has zero compassion. This young girl had none either. Don't go into patient care if you have no human compassion.
BTW...if you abandon parents, expect that God will deal with you some day. IT is a heinous evil thing to do.
God's Spirit will teach you to love if you seek God with all your heart and soul.
@@brendalondon6238I hear you. But a better path is to love when no love is deserved. That is the example of God's love through Jesus. There is NO EXCUSE for abandoning a parent who is on their death bed.
You absolutely did the right thing. You're such a good person.
The fact that the patient told you that you "should have said he had to come" & then told you to get out like it was your fault tells me everything i need toknow about that patient.
You aced that situation.
Well done.
You respected and maintained healthy boundaries in all interactions... something most people don't manage.
That’s exactly what I was thinking.
Ah yes, because judging someone’s entire character based on how they’re acting at the scariest moment of their life, when they’re literally on their deathbed & facing all the unknowns is definitely the way to go 🤪 We also have absolutely NO idea what the “no contact” is about….maybe it’s due to a manipulative family member, lies, or a crazy misunderstanding. The fact that you’re pretending to know for a fact that the dying patient is bad bc they lashed out in a hospice hospice bed is peak comment section. Everything wrong with the internet
@@isitoveryet9525plenty of people on the brink of death manage not to be manipulative bullies. I don’t give a fuck how scared that old shit was. He should have been a worthwhile father.
@@thaloblue Let's just hope you never have to find out what it is like to die alone, then, shall we?
@@CherryGryffon ohh a veiled threat, a wish for bad things for another person, how lovely. No wonder you're mad they can see the behavior of another manipulator for what it is.
As another no contact daughter- thank you. My parents were given far too many chances. I walked away for my own healing.
Same here.
Amen and Godspeed!
Same! Sending hugs to you ❤
Same
Same here girl! Stay strong and dont let people guilt trip you into thinking you need to forgive everything a parent does to you simply because they are your parent.
Same. I’m so grateful my n/c father didn’t contact me to tell me he was dying.
I am a CNA. I work with the elderly and I say it all the time. Just because they are old,cute, and nice now does not mean they have been good people their whole lives. The way he threw you out? Manipulation and probably the way he has always been. His true colors just came threw.
So true! My mom worked in a nursing home and one of the patients was a murderer. Not just a murderer, but murdered their own children! Nice & sweet to me and all the staff as an elderly patient... Never would've guessed that about then in a million years
I mean he could have just wanted to be alone after the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened. I do think it says enough that his kid refused but damm your comment is weird af, telling someone to leave YOUR room when you are bed bound and upset is NOT manipulation 😂
@@jennyhaslayer1396 yes and no, a gentle 'will you leave' possibly crying, rather than yelling, lol. But yeah, he could have dementia or something.....still..............sounds like you are justifying some unresolved anger issues you have......
he got bad news and communicated directly he needed to be alone. yeah he should've done it without yelling but dying is usually p messy with your emotions. manipulation would be if he told a dramatic story to trick her into talking to his son again or something of that nature, manipulation inherently involves deceit, and there's no evidence that he was being dishonest.
@@sapphita6099Pushing someone past their boundaries & theN telling them to "get out" when she is explaining what she is willing to do- is manipulation, IMHO.
As a no contact sibling, niece and granddaughter, thank you for your response and respect in this situation. Your job is still to care for that patient (and I fully understand having a connection him, even after this incident) just as I would expect my grandparents to be cared for despite my issues with them, but I wouldn't come either. I can only imagine how hard this was for you ❤️
No contact = no more lies, broken promises or harassment.
Exactly!
It also means some kids are disrespectful, abusive, self entitled, arrogant, and full of shit.
@@roblink4781with all due respect, if you raised your kids cruelly, that's why they went no contact; if you raised them to be selfish brats that no longer see value in associating with you, you should have raised them better. PS not literally YOU, just a way of speaking
@@roblink4781 Yes. Just as much true. But not what people want to consider. Parents are always wrong, children are (at any age) always right. BS.
This is a medical "no contact" list... which is set up by the patient or the doctor (advocating in the patient's best interests). It was NOT set up by the son. So many people are assuming the son went 'no contact' and they're filling in the blanks with their own experiences, assuming that the patient was abusive. Obviously, this patient needed assistance or the nurse wouldn't be there. He can talk... but that doesn't mean he can see or dial. If anything, she could've dialed the number on a phone in the patient's room and they could've had a direct interaction. IF the son said "no" or hung up the phone, then she could've comforted her patient whom she claims to love ... "I love this patient so much..." She's a liar. She doesn't love her patient. She's deeply cruel and she took pleasure in doing it... AND she video taped it and several have done the same thing that you've done and *applauded* her for it. You have NO idea what happened in their relationship and neither does she. She didn't need to video tape this and ask everyone if she did the right thing. She's BRAGGING about her cruelty... and you guys are giving her kudos for doing it. Great job... patting the narcissist on the back for what she did to him while her patient (aka victim) was forced to endure because he's in such a vulnerable position.
As a no contact guy with a lot of his family I thank you for your sensitivity. No contact is not for fun it’s for survival and self preservation. Thank you for being so understanding.
Spot on with survival and self preservation!! Your comment is very accurate. It’s not fun at all. Extremely brutal emotionally. For me the freedom is worth the discomfort.
Yes!! I've seen comment sections on social media with hundreds of parents claiming that their kids decided to cut them off for no good reason. The lack of self awareness is really sad. My dad was severely neglectful to the point where I didn't have food or hygiene items, but he would tell you that he has no clue why we don't talk.
😂 there’s multiple people in your family that want you dead? And would actively seek that out? No your just a victim. A crybaby who likes feeling down and looking for sympathy. Cause it tickles your brain in a way no other emotion does.
@@cam2023x same here. I see In sensitive comments on social media too, judging children who are no contact. People need to respect other's decisions on this, they have no idea what the child went through, and no contact is usually for good reasons.
SO "SENSITIVE" she plasters someone else's private business all over the damn internet for clicks and views?
Would you be OK with YOUR nurse putting your private family business on blast for attention and monetary gain like this?
As an ex-hospice nurse, had this happen multiple times and a patient fired me for it one time. You did right thing. Now do some self-care about it! 🧡
Thank you for your service work. That’s not easy🩵
Great advice! Thanks for being a nurse ❤
and the fact that he fired, you proves why his children went no contact
Getting fired is a blessing ❤
I don't think she was fired. Her patient needed space. I handle end of life matters and my clients do get upset and have asked me to leave. Not many... after some time away, they are always happy I returned. I'm here to vent to, care for and help find comfort.
As someone who is no contact with my father, I really appreciate what you did and how you responded. You respected that his son has boundaries and understand that even if this patient is nice now to you, he may not have been a good father or person in the past. I also think you respected your patient by doing what you could, while stoll respecting the wishes of his NC son. I think you definitely did the right thing all around. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
There is not a single person who refuses contact with a parent for absolutely no reason. The reaction of the patient just proves what kind of person and parent that patient is.
Umm no. Parental alienation is a real thing and happens alot. Kids get brainwashed against the other parent.
@njcanuck nah that's just some myth spread by deadbeats who don't wanna pay child support
@@njcanuckI’m sure it happens - but it’s been an entire lifetime. If the father had been UNFAIRLY alienated, there was already plenty of time to prove that.
Obviously he didnt
@@njcanuckFun fact: the "child psycologist" who coined the term parental alienation syndrome was an admitted pdf and mlsogynlst. He believed men having inapproprite relations with their kids was natural, and that women were inheritly spitefuI and vengefuI and wanted to ruin the relationship kids had with their father. He created and structured pas into a legaI term to protect pdfs, and its still today a term used in the courts to dismiss child @buse allegations and protect pdfs.
@maxtravers1314 that's not what u said tho. You said there's not a single person who refuses contact w parent for no reason...
Narcissists do not like boundaries they cannot bulldoze. Good job mama nurse!!! ❤❤
Unfortunately sometimes narcissists are the reason for estrangement. My husband is estranged from his children bc of his ex wife... she will not allow them to have a relationship with their half siblings, her, or their step dad if they speak to their paternal grandmother, uncle, cousins or their father. Everyone likes to act like this doesn't exist, but it is the same exact behavior as being in a cult. I myself have abusive parents I could rightfully become estranged from any day, so I see the other side... but parental alienation/enmeshment is sinister and rarely discussed
you people use these psychological talk in the situation of dying?? There are moments in life that are serious and require thinking for yourself not following trends from tik tok. Boundaries are important to stay safe. There is not other use of boundaries tnaj your own health and safety. It should never be used as manipulation or revenge and crual behaviour. I hope this son will wake up remorsful after years and will see what he had done. If he has children I hope he will be a better parent, but likely will remain a terrible person who never forgive.
How are you diagnosing someone you don't know and haven't medically examined with narcissism?? People sever family ties for some of the most petty reasons sometimes. Not always over a personality disorder
@@joannapaw4040dying doesn't suddenly make you a good person. You don't have the right to be a Judgy McJudgyface. It's very possible the son won't regret anything, and you don't have the right to say otherwise! Mind yo' bidness!
Why did the narcissist cross the road? They thought it was a boundary
The fact he tried to bully you. True colors. Which is why his son wants no part. RIP, sir.
Right!
well though your right. he could have also been in a lot of pain. pepole get a really short temper when in pain and when there about to die
@diamondly6250 Still doesn't excuse whatever unknown pain he inflicted on his son. It takes a lot for someone to go no-contact in most cases, so that says a lot about ones character in my eyes. I myself am no-contact with my father.
Grow up. It's a hospice patient.
@@y2ksurvivorcry about it.
You did the right thing. I’m waiting for that phone call myself for my mother. Thank you for being so kind x
The fact that he told you, someone there to help him, to get out gives a great deal of insight into his character and perhaps why his son wants no contact.
@ed1360 When the hospice nurse suggested composing a letter to communicate with the son, the dying patient refused. This tells me the patient's true goal was not communication; it was to regain control over another person. Since the son didn't comply with the order to come in-person and the nurse was unsuccessful in convincing him to show up, patient is angry.
It's not the nurse's job to mend fences between family members or be an accessory to a client's abusive tactics. Hospice nurses are there to facilitate any end-of-life care, bring comfort during the process of transition, and advocate for such on behalf of the patient. However, that doesn't permit overstepping anyone's personal boundaries or breaking laws.
Whatever mistakes this man made during his 80 years, he's reaping the consequences now. He had years to apologize, make amends, get therapy, self-reflect, have heart-to-heart discussions, or say/do whatever to restore the father-son relationship but he either chose not to do it or doubled-down on making people hurt. A genuinely reformed heart isn't stingy with any opportunity to reach out.
Dying doesn't always transform human behavior into something better. It will AMPLIFY personality traits and the inward state of one's life journey. For embittered people, death may signal an urgency to get one more jab in before they go. No guarantee of their last words being uplifting, insightful, peaceful, or full of contentment. Sounds nasty and cruel but it happens. Son is likely protecting himself from further emotional/mental harm by declining his dad's request.
People who won't change, learn, or humble themselves end up very lonely. Those who haven't extended love and kindness should not be the ones demanding others to give it to them in their last days. I feel the son's silence is reciprocal to the bad/negligent treatment his father gave him.
I agree. Having been emotionally abused by a narc for many, many years, my red light started flashing right away. And, having also been the caregiver for 4 people who’ve passed from various cancers, I can say that while some may get cranky, not a one of them treated me in the way this person did to the kind nurse.
Not true. Assuming a healthy adult, people often want to be alone with sever emotions. Since this is an elderly hospice patient there could be many additional reasons.
Being told to get out may not be anything to do with the nurse! It might well have just meant I need to be alone right now!
@ed1360 When the hospice nurse suggested composing a letter to communicate with the son, the dying patient refused. This tells me the patient's true goal was not communication; it was to regain control over another person. Since the son didn't comply with the order to visit in-person and the nurse was unsuccessful in convincing him to show up, patient is angry.
It's not the nurse's job to mend fences between family members or be an accessory to a client's abusive tactics. Hospice nurses are there to facilitate any end-of-life care, bring comfort during the process of transition, and advocate for such on behalf of the patient. However, that doesn't permit overstepping anyone's personal boundaries or breaking laws.
Whatever mistakes this man made during his 80 years, he's reaping the consequences now. He had years to apologize, make amends, get therapy, self-reflect, have heart-to-heart discussions, or say/do whatever to restore the father-son relationship but he either chose not to do it or doubled-down on making people hurt. A genuinely reformed heart isn't stingy with any opportunity to reach out.
Dying doesn't always transform human behavior into something better. It will AMPLIFY personality traits and the current inward state of one's life journey. For embittered people, death may signal an urgency to get one more jab in before they go. No guarantee of their last words being uplifting, insightful, or full of contentment. Sounds nasty and cruel but it happens. Son is likely protecting himself from further emotional/mental harm by declining his dad's request.
People who won't change, learn, or humble themselves end up very lonely. Those who haven't extended love and kindness should not be the ones demanding others to give it to them in their last days. I feel the son's silence is reciprocal to the bad/negligent treatment he received from his father.
Ir’s an 80 year old man. It’s likely He didn’t want to cry around a nurse (or any other person). I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt though. The yelling about it was a bit much. He could have asked more quietly (but he is dying and on very strong meds).
You did the right thing. Offering to deliver a letter was a perfect way to navigate the situation.
The son did not even want to write bye letter, that says it all..
@@ginamcdonald2938that was an offer given to the patient, not the son.
As a "no contact kid", we do often get the guilt trips.."life is short" etc and yes, which is why i choose to protect my peace...because before the peace was littered which chaos. Thanks for being a good nurse, and i think for what its worth..you did the right thing.
Some people don’t understand that saying “life is short” only strengthens my certainty. Yes, life is short, which is why I don’t want to spend any more years being subjected to abuse.
"You need to keep in contact! He's your father, life is short!"
"I hope his is shorter :)"
-The last words my great aunt and I ever spoke to each other after the dude finally caught prison time for his epstein tendencies. I am sick to death of managing the emotions of people whose feelies get all uncomfie when they have to consider that someone they like has hurt people that badly, and sicker to death of pretending that's the only reason they want me to shut up and act like nothing happened.
Exactly, life is short why would I waste time on someone that obviously could not have cared less? If family is so important, maybe they should have treated you right instead of expecting you to take BS. Goes both ways, but bullies and abusers won't acknowledge that.
@@Avendesoraalso, that come back was savage. 😂
Peace littered with chaos sums up things I had to endure. My mother's entire family including her own parents respected my no contact. Well...except my flying monkey sister. Finally told her I did not want to hear anything of our mother except that she died. I have no more energy to give the chaos.
On behalf of the no-contact child, thank you.
As a no-contact person that is easily guilt tripped, you would have been the keeper of my peace here by not engaging in guilt. Thank you for the thoughtful work that you do.
It's also NOT HER JOB OR IN HER JOB DESCRIPTION TO INSIST ON relatives that don't want to come to come.
Personally I would be calling once or twice and after that if the called person didn't answer I am done.
As a hospice nurse I have a million other things I need to do.
The fact that he told you that you should have ordered his child to come see him, I think, tells a lot about how he treated his children. You did the right thing.
Exactly!! Dying doesn't mean that you are automatically excused for what was probably a lifetime of hurt. His reaction speaks for itself.
To be fair, the guy is dying and is living with 24/7 hindsight.
Not really. Dying is the end. There will be no more opportunities for apologies or forgiveness, on either side. I know a woman who did not visit her dying sister. 5 years later the lost opportunity finally struck her and she deeply regrets not seeing her before she died.
yup if i was in that guys situation id ask the nurser to let my kids know and to tell them if they wish to come that is there choice but if not there is no pressure and i understand and id go with whatever the outcome is
my outlook would be id want them to have the opportunity if they felt they needed to come see me or if they wanted to
he on the other hand only seems to want them there for himself
@@birgittabirgersdatter8082Not everyone cares about forgiveness or apologies. Not everyone feels regret, especially for their abusers. People shouldn't give up their current peace of mind on the off chance that maybe, possibly, at some point in the future, they _might_ feel bad.
You did the right thing. My husband went no contact with his dad and when he was hospitalized, one of the times, a nurse made my husband feel horrible for not coming to see his dad. Another time, a nurse told my husband that she was just notifying him that his dad was hospitalized and that my husband didn't owe anyone an explanation of why he wasn't coming. It was such a weight lifted.
I'm really glad your husband was spoken to decently by the nurse the other time. It's one thing to know what you should do, to be validated for it makes all the difference.
You handled this perfectly. It is so heartening to see people supporting children who have made the choice to cut contact. It is a hard choice that many of us feel guilty about, so having people respect our choice and refuse to apply pressure/ guilt is wonderful. Thank you for sharing.
As a no contact kid who didnt visit my dad when he was dying you handled this very well. I get guilt tripped from my family a lot for this decision but he was abusive
I'm so sorry. You deserved better
I Honestly Have The Same Situation It’s As If The People That Guilt Trip You Are Trying To Downplay The Abuse As If Because He Is Family He Can Do No Wrong 😑
Same situation. I will not be guilt tripped to see a man who abused me. I have forgiven him, but that forgiveness does not mean I have to put myself back in a situation that could damage me further.
I haven't talked to my father in over 3 years. Sometimes the thought of him dying scares me because I don't want to see him and I also don't want the guilt. Hope you're doing well, and I hope your family gets off your back
People always say "they're your parents." but you're also their child too who needed them the most.
When kids go no contact, as I had to do with my mom, there are very good reasons. Thanks for handing things the way you did.
Yes! Came to say the same thing. It’s a sad situation, but it takes years and years of abuse (all kinds) for most children to come to that painful decision. Thank you for respecting all sides.
same
Every situation is different. Sometimes kids are lead astray by others that want to control them. Some kids make things up then start to believe their own lies. It depends on the situation. You cannot say that every situation has very good reasons. Some do not.
Sadly, some kids do put up with lifetimes of trauma & abuse before getting the strength to walk away, and I respect them for finding that courage. But there are also kids who cut off contact for petty, cruel, selfish & controlling reasons of their own too. And their can be misunderstandings as well. Family dynamics are complicated, because people are complicated 🤷♀️
I just wished you would've capitalized the words 'VERY GOOD REASONS' in your comment❤️🩹 As someone who went no contact with my mother & only sibling 9 years ago, and everyone thinks I must be the monster & deserve my suffering in poverty now-- folks don't know the LIFETIME OF HELL that causes someone to make such a drastic move. The local police, after encountering my mother's psychotic rage...said ' Run as far away as fast as you can.' I was 43. She told folks the only thing I'll ever get from her is my grave plot. VERY GOOD REASONS PPL...
You absolutely did the right thing. Some of these people think that they can live a life of hate and meanness and then expect their supposed loved ones to come rushing to them at the end of their life. It doesn't happen that way. You have to nourish the relationship
TV endings aren't real life for sure
100%. My FIL is always so upset about his family being no-contact with him, especially one of his daughters. He'll say things like "Well, I bought her a car some years ago so she should at least be talking to me. I didn't do anything wrong to her. I wasn't mean or anything, I bought her a car!". We have tried explaining why she won't see him or even talk to him but he just dismisses it like that or says "No, I didn't do any of that." and stuff like that. It's sad but after being around him and living with him I can completely understand why no one but my husband stuck around.
These children made the decision many years to break away from parents and family. My son is like this. I was always there for him . I didn't have any bad situations with him he just won't call or write or anything for several years now. I would love to see him and wife before I die but if I don't, so what. He will have to live with that, I tried.
@@kayedavis8497There usually is a very real reason why children stop contacting their parents and maybe because you're a part of that situation you can't see your past behaviour clearly. To me it seems like most parents just don't do that self-reflection for whatever reason and blame their falling out on the child.
Sometimes the reason is little things over a long time that you wouldn't even notice but to a child that's fully reliant on their parents it means much more.
@@DaydreamingSophiewow brutal analysis. The kid might just be an ungrateful twat now he's an adult and has his own family! Or it might be a million other things including abuse the mum doesn't know about or mental health issues but to assume it's likely to be the mum's behaviour is harsh.
I am a no-contact kid. You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. Thank you for respecting the boundary the son set. I am sorry that he threw you out, but you did the right thing.
It's the patient's duty to repair their own relationships. YOU ARE A GREAT NURSE!!!
Well done. My brother tried to guilt me into seeing our father (ten years no contact) before he died. I told him I mourned the loss of my father years ago, and to please not ask me to do so again.
havent talked to my dad in 20 something years. hes a local cop and lives maybe 10 minutes away I just have nothing to say to him nor does he have anything to say that I want to hear. to me he died decades ago.
You are an amazing human being. Your patience's response did not cause you to cross your own boundaries, nor did you cross the boundaries of his son.
His anger has nothing to do with you, no matter how much he wants it to. Congratulations on loving yourself enough to not back down & know that you responded perfectly to both of them!
I hear you. My father died 2.5 years ago. I mourned his death 5 years priorvwhen I cut contact. I had family try to guil trip me into visiting and forgiving him on his deathbed. I didn't. I don't harbour any guilt.
Ngl, I thought this video would trigger me as a no-contact child myself, but the respect you have for the son and patient at the same time is a relief. Thank you for sharing
Same! I needed to hear that. Cause I still feel guilty but the abuse feels and felt worse than my guilt.
She also usually gives the kid an option to know when the patient passes which I think is nice
Same
I get both sides. I would feel torn, also! but as a hospice nurse?? her job title is literally caring for her patients' final needs, comforting and caring for people who are on their deathbed... it makes sense for her as a non-involved professional to call the adult and say "I heard you weren't speaking to your father, but he wanted me to pass the message that he is dying, and would like to see you one last time." That seems fair, and not super traumatic (I know everyone is different)... much better than hearing from parent directly. And she couldn't know the details of their issues, she's just doing what she can do in a job that requires so much empathy, compassion, emotional toughness etc. It's one of those truly respectful "hard job, but somebody has to do it!" like Police, Teachers, Hospice Nurses, embalmers, military... etc
What’s NGL?
There’s no question you were thrown out due to anger, frustration, possible guilt, etc. over to the CHILD, not you. Being a middle man can be the toughest position. You were willing to be a messenger without crossing a line and did your best. Hopefully you’re feeling better by now. Best wishes!💕
"Not my place to guilt trip" . I think you indeed did the right thing. I hope my family gets the high quality health care you provide. I love how you love this patient, care for his dying process AND hold yourself in integrity.
But she's only caring for his process and not the child's. A parent doesn't get to traumatize their child and then have someone else do it on their behalf just because they're dying. As a daughter of a toxic mother who would do this exact same thing, it bothers me that so many people are commending her for this 💔
@@MarmadukeTheCat19XX Are you sure you watched the video? The nurse did NOT do anything to traumatize the son. She shared the information with him. When he said that he was not going to visit she told him that she respected his decision. That is the most kind and compassionate way she could have handled it. Your comment doesn't make sense.
You taught me something when my father passed that helped me enormously.
You’ve never met me and you probably never will. But you made a difference and it helped me. I’ve repeated it many times to others.
“You don’t owe people who abused you peace”
That's really beautiful. And true.
Something to think about for sure!
So true! I felt not but good riddance when my former stepfather died. He was abusive to all of us.
@@RosettaRedfeather Who said the dying person abused anyone? Maybe they were the abused wanting to offer forgiveness.
@@shirleyherman2835She didn’t say that. She was relating this situation to her own painful yet healing experience & used the opportunity to thank Hadley.
As a child of an abusive mother, I went no contact in 2006. Thank you so much for respecting the sons wishes!
I've gone no contact, no obituary, no funeral, and I am donating my body to science.
It's hard to be in the middle. I feel for you.
You did the right thing
@@wandafreitas6009 absolutely and she did the right thing 🙌
@@Bor1smyfamiliar running an obit is mandatory by law where I live. I'm glad you don't have to deal with that
I have been no-contact with my mother for over 12-years & I know the day is coming when I will get that call & my response will be the same. Thank you for respecting the sons decision. You handled this perfectly! (The patient seems like a very entitled person, which is probably the reason his son doesn't want to see him.)
You did the right thing!! I'm no contact with both parents and if I was contacted my answer would be an empathetic NO!!!! I was beaten, starved, mentally, & emotionally abused. I owe them nothing. No abused child owes their abusive parents a thing!
Definitely, you did the right thing. You are the messenger, not a their counselor. You have a huge heart and much, informed experience. Had he not 'fired' you, I suspect that you might have offered
For someone you don’t know to call you and demand to them, is stepping over the line as hospice.
I am so sorry you went through all that trauma, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t. Guilt tripping is the worst. Telling you to forgive 😳what about the pain you they put you through.
I don’t doubt whichever one gets the nurse to call, lied about you being the bad girl, and the punishment was never as severe as she said. We love our children, blah, blah, blah.
No contact is up to you! Stay strong
Just because I’m on your side, I want to mention the typo- you mean emphatic. Please don’t accidentally send anything to those people that says you feel empathetic- they don’t deserve your empathy. ❤
amen! same. same.
Absolutely right! I went no contact with my parents years before their deaths (her for the abuses - him for allowing the abuse). I shed no tear for their deaths. I only felt relieved that that chapter of my life was over.
The fact that he told you to get out and yelled at you for not listening to him tells you what kind of character he was to his child.
No. It really doesn't at all. It tells you what kind of character he was to his nurse, on one specific day, while in the midst of facing his own death.
That's exactly what I was thinking. He wants to disrespect his son's boundaries, guilt trip the son, blame the nurse, and get angry for the nurse for respecting someone else? He has no respect for his son or the nurse. What an awful human.
@@a_burning_rose you don't even know this person and yet youre going to call him an awful person over 1 bad experience with his nurse while hes on his death bed? I think if you worked healthcare youd undersatnd, most people are not very happy to be in the hospital lol
If Nurse Hadley didn't condemn this man for his behavior that day, then I think we should also be so understanding.
It's hard to not judge this man over this one occurrence with only knowing he's estranged from his son. I've done or said things I regret when I was upset before.
Obviously the man is in an emotional state when he knows he's about to die.
As a no-contact person I thank you for respecting boundaries. I would be "no" as well.
Except she didn't respect boundaries. No contact means no contact. She can talk about respect all she wants but she doesn't know the wound she may have opened or whatever
right??? I'm very low contact and OMG it's so nice to not be guilt tripped to go see the toxic crappy person....
@@Eggy79 "no contact" but the patient is dying. Son was listed as a contact for a reason. If she hadn't alerted the son at all, they could've later complained to the facility. Unless it's clearly written in their policy exactly what "no contact" means and under what circumstances contact will occur, it's better to err on the side of at least informing the family of the patient's current status. 10 years is a long time to be in hospice.
@@Eggy79 no contact doesn't mean restraining order. It means no contact. And I think the child has the right to be offered the opportunity and the choice whether they want to visit their parent on their death bed.
Yeah this feels very grey.. I'm no contact but if my father was dying I would still appreciate the phone call. It would be a hard NO but worth knowing about
You're an angel and you advocated for your patient. You are not responsible for the response. You did good. I'm a retired nurse and we often receive undeserved anger. Keep up your practice, it's one of the best examples of nursing challenges I've seen.
You did the right thing. I'm on hospice and also no contact with my mother for at least 30 years. I'm a 47 year old female and have no plans to talk to her ever again.
Your patient should not blame you for his past. Most kids are not going to go no contact unless there's a really good reason. ❤
I’m so sorry you’re on hospice 😓
@@AvaEFF thank you for thinking about me. I just got out of the hospital (emergency surgery x3 because it was something unrelated to why I'm in hospice so I can get treatment for anything that has nothing to do with my hospice care) I'm in hospice because of Lupus, RA, and lung issues. The emergency surgery was because my bowl was dead and had to be removed or it would have killed me. It was crazy because the doctor said I needed surgery and I was in the OR in less than 20 minutes. I had no idea that they moved that quick 😂. Now after 3 surgeries in 3 days back to back, 4 days on a ventilator, a week in ICU, 2 days in a step down unit, 4 days in a regular room, and a week in rehab facility to learn how to get in and out of a wheelchair and gain back some muscle tone (yes your muscles get extremely weak when you are knocked out on a ventilator) now I'm back home and back on hospice care. My 11 yr old son is rocking out with helping me with day to day stuff. He's an awesome little man. If not for him I wouldn't go through half the stuff I do. I can't understand why parents treat their kids so bad then expect them to come running just because they're dying. My son is my world and I make sure he knows it. I just hate that he doesn't know/have grandparents because of how they are. It's sad but it's life. I even drove 7 hours each way every other month when he was younger so they could have a relationship but they treated him horrible too so I stopped and he understands why. Crazy thing is that his cousin (my brothers son) is treated like gold...... We can't pick our family.
@@DrawMorQuest god I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through! I’m glad you’re taking such good care of your son 🩷
May God give peace and hope. It must be hard to be 47 yo, on hospice and with over 30 y. of no contact with your mother.
On Hospice at 47?
Clinical psychologist here. I think you handled the situation with maturity and grace. Your compassion is evident, as are your boundaries. Thank you for doing what you do💜
You did a great job. The fact that the patient tried to guilt trip YOU shows why the son has gone no contact.
this !!!
Ummmm no it doesn’t! You can not sum up 80 years bec of a dying act. Have you ever been dying before, I have and you will try anything to get that comfort before you do. We have no idea what the reason is you assumed you did!
@@Wetzel983Thing is, you may have been dying, but I've been the grandchild of someone who died. Twice. One of them I was in contact with because I wasn't old enough to cut contact. The other, I wasn't able to be in contact with because I had to go no-contact with his wife, my grandmother. Both my other grandparents will die while I remain no-contact with them, as will one of my parents, and one day also my brother.
We can see in the video that the father is manipulative and controlling. As shown by his phrasing that she was echoing of "tell him to visit" and his insistence that she should've been more forceful with him. He also yells at her when she's just doing her best. If he's treating her like that, there's EVERY reason to assume he treats his own child as badly or worse.
Being on your deathbed doesn't give you the right to force someone back into your life who left to protect themselves. In fact, I have less respect for deathbed apologies than if someone just reached out for the sake of feeling guilty and wanting to apologise. If it took you being on your deathbed to realise you were an a**hole... I don't know what to say but "do better" - regardless whether that's you specifically or other people like the one this video is referring to.
Only you also kinda proved my point in your own comment. You said yourself that it was not about guilt or wanting to apologise, but rather, about your comfort and your feelings. And nobody who has cut contact owes you that. Nobody. You are responsible for dealing with your own emotions surrounding dying and you are the one who has to live with your own choices.
I recently found out that my ex's stepfather has cancer and might be dying. If he reaches out to apologise to me for things that happened 15 years ago, I actually won't be responding or open to it, because he's had this long to apologise and if it was really so important, he already would've. Now, it would probably only be to comfort himself and feel less alone while he dies and that's not my job and it's not my son's job.
You are responsible for mending those bridges BEFORE you are on your deathbed. Nobody owes you sh*t.
(Swear words edited because TH-cam has flagged and removed comments of mine with them in it before.)
Lots of 🚩
1. He can talk / shout so he could’ve (should’ve) phoned his son himself. If he’s too weak to hold the phone you or someone else can dial and hold the phone for him. He put his responsibility on you.
2. He tried to control the outcome with zero effort. ‘Did you tell him he must come?’
3. He shouted at the person who took the time and energy to do him a favour.
4. You love your patient. Hmmm. Is it because he’s charming and sweet? Turning on the charm relentlessly and then verbally punishing the person who’s done you a favour BECAUSE of that charm? Yeah right. He’s not a nice sweet old man. FAFO season has hit him.
5. No other family members or friends who can make this phone call? Again. FAFO.
There’s absolutely a v valid reason his son has gone NC.
The fact that the patient was more concerned about how the visit affected him more than his son spoke volumes to me.
💯
Exactly- demonstrated evidence towards the son's no-contact. Sad situation. If the patient cares AT ALL, he will write that letter to help heal the SON. Make it not about the father. Doubtful this will happen, and exactly why the son should stay away if he needs to. I hope the father heals too.
Too much effort to write the letter - the nurse should quit too after the way he treated her.
I mean, technically it’s his last chance to see his son that he hasn’t seen it in years. Can’t really blame him, that he had a human reaction.. probably just needed to be by himself a little bit to swallow that hard jagged pill. that sucks
@@e.k.izzle32true bro. Humans are not angels.
As a no-contact kid, thank you. I'm sorry you are the one who was yelled at. You may have just gotten a glimpse into why his kids don't speak to him anymore. My dad is a very nice man until he's not. It was a roller coaster I no longer wanted to be on.
Im a hospice nurse too. You did exactly what I would have done. I give information & allow everyone to make their own decisions. I tell them that I respect their decisions & do not judge.
As an RN of 35yrs I believe that nurses should never be judgemental or, if so, you shouldn't be a nurse🤷♂️
It was the patients place to deal with this before it got to that point. You honestly gave it your best.
My mom was a hospice nurse for many years. To this day, she says the biggest lesson she learned in all those years was that you die how you live. If no one comes to your side in the end, chances are, you should’ve lived and loved differently.
Edit: Yes, I know there are exceptions to every rule. That’s a given.
She is right. Hope all of you are doing well 💝
Generally true, but not always.
@@lorineschocknmyer9671exactly 💯
@@lorineschocknmyer9671 Most definitely!! 🤍
That's not always the case.
The fact that they yelled and tried to force you to cross lines just demonstrates why their family went no contact. You absolutely did the right thing.
I was once that child. I hadn't talked to my mother in 10 years when she passed. I appreciate people like you for doing the job I couldn't and wouldn't. Personally, I am glad the people caring for her didn't know her as I did. It made it easier for them to be compassionate in their care.
Wow. I feel your pain.
Damn. I hope you are blessed and highly favored. ❤
I can relate to this to an extent....i just hope i get to see and help my mom change before one of us is gone...i have a couple of issues due to traumas that can sometimes cause me to be unheathily attached to her..but i do in the end just want a family...even if shes just good to my son and sister. I'll do what i can to make their lives better than mines been.
Im sorry for loss in your life, but i hope you have found peace and joy in your life to move forward❤
If you hated her that much you should've been hoping for uncaring people.
Nope@@xaviersmith5154there was no need to stoop low. Preserve your own heart.
As someone who went no contact with their mom, I think you did the most kind and compassionate thing for all parties. You showed complete respect.
THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING. I get guilt trips from my mother for not speaking to my brother for 15+ years, but she's unwilling to listen to a snippet of the reasons why. People don't go no contact for no reason.
No we do not. I’ve not had contact with my older sister for over 20 years. Even when I had custody of her 2 kids. We tried for the better part of a year to get her to adhere to the visitation rules the judge set. She and her husband were supposed to have visitation with them once a week. Then it was changed to every two weeks since she asked for that supposedly because of her job as a chef at a major restaurant. That still didn’t happen. Then it went to one weekend a month. After about 9 months the judge was as fed up with her crap as myself and the mediator were. I felt bad for the mediator because she was taking time away from her personal time with the amount of driving she had to do to get to where we were supposed to be meeting my sister and BIL. The judge finally just said to hell with it. If you can’t even be bothered to visit your kids when you asked to, then maybe you shouldn’t be allowed to be around them at all. That was 21 years ago. She couldn’t even be bothered to come to her own kids high school and college/mechanic school graduations. Neither could their so called father, Dirk. He’s since tried to speak to them but they want nothing to do with either of them. I don’t either.
@@mcrchickenluvrWow. That's awful. I feel bad for the kids but they were lucky to have you.❤
People go no contact because Satan has deceived them. If you’re no contact it’s wrong. No ifs, ands or butts or any other excuses.
My aunt did go no contact with her mom for "no reason" but for assuming without knowing and greed from her and her husband. They assumed that my mom got everything from the money but she didn't which she proved that all the money she got was the same amount and because she was the one caring for her mom she got money from the health insurance that is only for the medication and health care stuff from her mom. She didn't spend a thing from that money for herself. With proof. They didn't believe my mom, my uncle, not a kid from my grandma, threatened my grandma to get them more money so my grandma took the keys from him and said get out. My aunt, the kid from my grandma, believed her husband more and got no contact for a reason that could be prevented... my grandma wasn't mad at her, she wanted to her but my aunt and husband changed their number. 8 years. Grandma died no one from them was there but the had the balls to sue my mom. My mom won and you know what... as bad as it was for my grandma, the karma for my aunt for probably realising that she went no contact for NO REASON and she will now never see her again, is the best feeling I've ever had. Stupid cow.
Since I decided to go no contact I've found I'm less stressed. I'm enjoying life more. And I don't feel guilty about it. Don't get me wrong I love my family, but I don't deserve to be treated like a servant just because I'm from my dad's first marriage. Screw that shit.
His "get out" SHOWS you why his kids won't visit. He may be kind to you, but that's because not only are you his literal life-line, but you are there for him regardless of what else he has done. He is the type to take advantage of people and be kind ONLY as long as they serve a purpose.
🎯🎯🎯
And expecting her to manipulate and lie to her grown son "tell him he has to come." 🤬
Isn't it called triangulation? Several people in my husband's family like this.
Typical narcissistic abuse behavior. He dropped his mask 😫‼️
Exactly
As a NC child, I hope a hospice nurse treats me with the same dignity and respect as you have. Thank you so much for respecting their wishes. We need more nurses like you ❤
I had a mother who was SO abusive to me most of my life. She also popped pills daily (Vicadin, Valium, any pills, she didn't care). We didn't speak for the last 12 years of her life, and it was a mutual decision. I tried 3 times to ask her if she was willing to talk a bit and see if we could repair things before we totally quit speaking, but she said "NO" each time. So we then quit speaking. Fast forward to when she's dying 12 years later, in a hospice facility. I had no interest in seeing her, and her nurse did write me a letter. I still didn't want to see her, and l still have NO regrets. She was cruel and abusive to me and put her pill habit 1st in her life. As a result, l lacked clothes, food, etc as a child. I never expected her to be perfect as a parent, but she was just plain cruel and abusive to both me and others in her life! So my mother made her own bed, and it's her fault she died alone. The nurse did the right thing!
Sometimes we need to accept that people are sick even without a medical diagnosis. That way there would be less room for hurt feelings. Anger is a temporary thing, being cold inside inside is sth. you carry along even after that person is gone, I think...
@@sarahscharber5559thanks god You didnt read that letter, she wanted to make You guilty one LAST time before dying and probably blame You for her loneliness, a LAST ego trip for abusing what she consider her victim
If they do not treat you the way this nurse treated both of these people then you can always hang up the phone. You do not need that attitude in your life and deserve better than that.
@@HSK.Lerneryou’re right in the fact that often times there is something medically wrong that can make someone become addicted or even act out but that does not necessarily mean forgiveness needs to be given. Often times society tells people we’re obliged to tolerate abhorrent behavior because they are family. “You should forgive her because she’s your mom” is something I heard myself and I have a few friends who are no contact that hear it as well. I don’t think we’re required to keep people in our lives who only bring us down and make our lives harder. Granted, nuance and different situations play a role in every story, but we need to make sure if someone has decided to go no contact we don’t judge or put pressure on them, we allow them their choice to remove a toxic person from their life.
As a retired RN who worked in hospice, you did the right thing. 100%. Not the easiest job in the world but very rewarding. Keep doing what you do. Much love and respect.
As a therapist who has worked with folks who have gone no contact, thank you for respecting that person's boundary. You absolutely made the right choice.
As a no contact child, you did the right thing. My father tried to get my siblings to see him before he died. We didn't. He was a monster of a human being and the worst kind of parent a child could have. Someone from the hospital tried to guilt my sister into coming, until she explained exactly what kind of person he was, and then they apologised profusely. 🙃 I appreciate the work you do, thank you. ❤
I'm sorry you went through that I hope you're well and healing ❤
Ugh, I hate that. My dad's hospice nurses were the same way, which my mom encouraged. Nurses, just because a patient is nice to you, does not automatically mean they're a good person. Most abusers wear masks.
@@WobblesandBean I wish this was its own comment not a reply. More people need to read this! Being able to be charming is not the same as being a decent human being!
@@tfrtrouble exactly, my mom is someone that anyone she would spark convos with would be in total belief that she was a charming, funny, nice and helpful person but little do they all know, she was/is a monster behind closed doors. She is my example that if you don't move on from childhood trauma, you'll be a problem to the people around you.
And it the reverse situation - if the ill person doesn’t want a family member there respect their wishes. I also had a problem with a funeral home going behind my back contacting estranged family members. Make sure all your advance directives are in order and include a notarize a distribution of remains.
I'm no contact with my dying mother. Thank you for respecting the child's decision. There's always a reason for no contact.
Same here! Me and my sisters are also no contact. We also keep our children away also! There is always a reason!
While I'm sure your case is that way, in my line of work I very often run into situations where the kid is the asshole
@@FiftyStates5 that's still a reason.
Well he definitely showed her why his kids went no contact
@@FiftyStates5 and you know that how? Cause the parent says it? You're so ridicolous.
As a no contact kid, I am 52 years old. I respect what you did. If my dad couldn’t show up for me why do I want to show up for him?