A stable man is not always a “carefree” passive man. A stable man brings positive leadership to a relationship: taking initiative, always thinking ahead, proactive problem solving, considering the consequences of his decisions and how they will affect the woman he’s with, always including the woman in his future plans. These are also important qualities to look for in a potential father.
I’m kind of at the point where if even a man shows these qualities I feel like it’s a trick to make me weak and vulnerable to take from me and leave me even more weak and more vulnerable. It’s this whole weird reverse psychology game.
@@bludesertfairy3370 that’s because you’ve been used and abused by the wrong one and it’s hard for you to heal. If you really want a real man, you gotta do the work and heal.
"always thinking ahead, proactive problem solving, considering the consequences of his decisions and how they will affect the woman he’s with, always including the woman in his future plans. These are also important qualities to look for in a potential father." That is not only man behaviour, that is grown up behaviour. A woman also has to think ahead and consider the consequences of her actions for the people she is with and include them in her plans. That is imperative for being a parent! As a man who has been through a real lot, and had to claw his life from traumatized childhood to being able to farm, fell trees, fight, and had many difficult jobs during his life I can tell you I will never, ever again provide containment for any of those grown up children who call themselves women. Responsibility goes both ways. Especially in a time and age where we are trying to grow spirutually as human beings.
laughing at the word leadership.. did this so called leader ever think anything outside of his lifespan? mostly.. women outlive men.. did he ever thought whats going to happen to wife? RARE men think of this. Men are not trust worthy
Former controlling woman, I can vouch for everything Teal just said. My current boyfriend couldn't be more different from my ex in terms of how much he is willing to show up in the relationship. It makes all the difference
This seems about half right. My ex was uptight and controlling, and I tried to make her feel safe, loved, heard, and understood, well provided for. The more of her expectations I met, the higher her expectations became and the more demanding she became. I felt I was running on a threadmill that was just getting faster and faster. I couldn't possibly forsee all the potential fears she could have, and it became exhausting to try and do so. The solution for a woman being controlling is not simply that their partner is largely at fault and needs to step up. That might be part of it but It's a bit more complex than that. She has some responsibility to evaluate her fears and needs and determine if they're realistic and rational. Simply offsetting all the responsibility onto your partner whether ypur a man or a woman is simply not a strategy for lasting happiness.
I think it’s just an extreme case. I get what you’re saying, but I think most women just struggle being the adult in the relationship Vice the things you’re talking about. This video is just talking about the men that let all household and family tasks fall on the woman. Some men are so oblivious to what needs to be done around the house and family life that they let it all fall on their wife or girlfriend. It’s exhausting to constantly be in charge of making sure another adult is doing their part as a fellow adult. To run a household, there needs to be management (the adults). If one is carrying more of the load than the other, it’s unbalanced. The collaboration piece she talks about is vital for a woman’s sense of safety in the relationship.
teal in this video totally talked about using her completion process to work on and adress her trauma, as well as consciously implementing preventative methods for the things she fears etc. She never said "its all men's responsibility"
No, I don't think it is asking too much for a woman (or person) not to constantly criticize the man (or person) who SHE CHOSE and continues to choose, to live with. See here: "You Got Lucky" One, two You better watch what you say You better watch what you do to me Don't get carried away Girl, if you can do better than me Go Yeah, go But remember Good love is hard to find Good love is hard to find You got lucky, babe You got lucky, babe When I found you You put a hand on my cheek And then you turned your eyes away If you don't feel complete If I don't take you all of the way Then go Yeah, go But remember Good love is hard to find Good love is hard to find You got lucky, babe You got lucky, babe When I found you Yeah, go Just go But remember Good love is hard to find Good love is hard to find You got lucky, babe You got lucky, babe When I found you th-cam.com/video/td8To6gb3qA/w-d-xo.html
You know what is even EASIER? Never turning a single wrench your entire life but MAGICALLY having the benefits of thousands of well oiled and maintained machines piloted by men farming and trucking your food to you, and your clothes, and EVERY SINGLE OTHER thing you take for granted to the miles upon miles of stores where you can grudgingly spend 87% of all domestic spending BUT without ever ONCE swinging a hammer or falling off a ladder on the verge of heat stroke😂, driving on blacktop, never even one SINGLE shovelful of asphalt when it’s 102 degrees. Need some Underwater welding done because a storm damaged the rig? High voltage powerlines down? Mine collapse? Freeway collapse? Now tell me about “cleaning up the mess” and “living with the consequences”.
@@danjohnson191 Am sure plenty of women would do these jobs. However employers probably prefer men because they are *usually* physically stronger. And women aren't conditioned to do these jobs. Until I met my partner, I didn't even know it would have been possible for me to work with physical things and engineering. Despite my love for tech early on. No one talked to me about that. My family is very traditional. Blaming women is a bit evil cause we are all in a strange situation.
As a divorced man, I needed to hear this word for word. This made so many light bulbs click in my head. This makes so much sense, that at the same time, I don't feel like I can share this with anyone. This simple session could help so many people in their relationships if they're willing to put the work into one that they're compatible with. That's why I can't share this video since compatible relationships are not so easy to come by. The chances are, if this video triggered you in a negative way, your relationship with your significant other is not compatible and the fear of ending it is taking over. Thank you Teal Swan, for another great video. Your the best 🦢
Wow. Wow. Wow. I'm in my late 60's and am looking back at all of my relationships and marriage with men I thought were good for me because they were so non-reactive. I just became anxious and controlling and they became a child and I their mother. All of a sudden things are falling into place. I did have one relationship with a responsible man and it was so relaxing for me. I think my other relationships have just plain been a mismatch for me. I need a responsible man. Thank you for this video.
If you can elaborate when you say they were nonreactive, was that the main issue? Does that mean they weren't reactive to you when you were reactive or they weren't reactive to life in general?
@@yonah9983 If you're talking about my husband it would look like: when there was a roof leak in the middle of the night I had to get out of bed and deal with it. Someone trying to break into the house, same thing. Any problem that came up I had to deal with it and he would disappear to the office or sit on the sofa and watch ball games and pretend there wasn't a problem. Our dog had a medical emergency and instead of rushing her to the vet, he shoved her through the doggie door so I would notice and take her.
@@yonah9983 carefree irresponsible children, as opposed to a manly protector who actually makes it possible for a woman to relax. Women are highly attuned to threats due to being childbearers so anything that helps gain the sense of security is great. A lot of men just add to the sense of insecurity, instability, threat or fear.
My ex didn’t protect, provide, plan, or take any responsibility for anything. I am so much more relaxed and happy not being responsible for a grown man.
@@Ane127 I didn’t attract. I just stated something. A lot of times, women/females think they are dating a “man” which they were. They were dating a boy/male disguised as a man. Which is why these issue come up with immaturity and so forth. A lot of “real” men won’t put their partner thru the trama because it will look bad on him and the fear of punishment from the most high will also not allow him to go down that path. If you want to expand more, I definitely have time this morning. :) Blessings 🙏🏾
@@Ane127 sometimes we have to grow up and see what part did we have in the situation and did we overlook any red flags? A lot of times we want to be with somebody so bad we overlook red flags, which intern will hurt us in the future. Once we start taking accountability and “not playing the victim” (lack of better terms). I believe we can grow to our highest potential
I absolutely love the seriousness with which you address this, Teal. Because for me, a daughter of a controlling, uptight, almost always very fearful mother it is a serious matter. I am not blaming her though. She has cptsd (childhood trauma), so I have sympathy. But one can have sympathy and at the same time see the serious consequences on oneself from a parent's behaviour.
They probably wouldn't have been saved because these people are deeply incompatible. A care free man would not want to become a responsible man, so he needs a care free woman. And a care free woman would neve be happy with a responsible man because she would see him as controlling. You just need to find your person and not try to change someone who doesn't want to be changed.
I would love if Teal could talk more about the flip polarity in men and woman. Like when men are more interested in taking from woman than protecting and providing for her - and then getting her energy from that. More fairly. 🙏
I was married to a uptight and controlling woman. It was extremely hard to be useful in her eyes. I knew where her trauma stemmed from but she never let me in to help her.
It's tough man cause even if you're not laid back. Even if you do the right things. It's never enough. And the next day would be filled with issues. I have sympathy for both of u.
Next time, instead of suggesting to help. Actively step in and do without asking. This will show her subconscious she does not need to ask which is still being in control
In the same boat. Tried these solutions as well. Her control won out over my prevention, problem solving, ownership and responsibility. Not sure what else to do.
I heard the word relax so many times. So much weight was lifted off my shoulders that Teal was my voice that is never heard on the internet. So many women are exactly like this because we feel alone. Thank you for this, because what I really want is to be able to relax.
Teal speaks the truth. A relationship means both people SHARE responsibility- for safety (physical and mental), for planning, for attunement within the relationship. When it breaks down is often when kids come into the picture. Yes sometimes both parents are equally involved, but too often, women (generally) are more involved in childcare for example- and that requires being responsible for a vulnerable child. When one parent’s answer is always - “it’ll be fine/relax”, but no effort is made to share that responsibility equally - where does that responsibility go? Back on the person who understands what is required. It’s a mental load that so many women must accept because there is no one else there to meet her even halfway. Then that “carefree” partner becomes an unreliable other stressor that needs to be managed by the one who is concerned for the core safety/security/preplanning needs for her AND now her child. Mama bears are not going to accept lax, slapdash care of their child. Men need to understand this massive mental load and REALLY take responsibility of their fair share and do their best to build trust in this regard. THEN women can relax!!
It seems as though I keep finding men who want containment from me. I have already done that. It didn't feel right. I felt like I was parenting my partner and we were not equals. Still seeking... this universe is so big, I won't give up
God bless her soul 🙏 her videos are Gold. There is so much confusion with masculine and feminine shifts that relationships are suffering. She is a true gift to humanity
Wow. I’ve never in my life felt so understood than while watching this video. This is why I’m single - I can count on me. Literally had goosebumps & wept. Beautifully done. I wonder how many of the men who’d asked you about this subject clicked out of the video once they realized what’s needed from them. If they understood it at all. Thank you for creating this much needed content ❤
I love those moments of feeling so understood. It's beautiful that this video had such an impact on you! That happened to me with Teal's video "The Most Dangerous Parallel Reality." One of my favorites, made me finally feel seen by someone, in some of my darkest times.
@@utualan not true. I’ve had almost this precise experience. Ex husband didn’t follow the rules of the dogs training - thought he knew better. Dog dove under fence & attacked neighbors dog. We snuck my dog to a rescue so it wasn’t put down. All bc ex wasn’t responsible enough to think of the consequences & get ahead of it. Precisely what Teal said. Who had to solve the issue to save the dog? You got it - me.
There's a two way understanding to this one. man is carefree because the care function got broken. Care function got broken because he learned that caring equals pain and suffering. There has to be something worth caring about first. So, it's like chicken and egg. What is required of a man has to be met equally with what is required of a woman - there has to be an experience of sweetness and grace, etc. to be worth the effort of facing the pain of caring. If the woman responds by becoming like a man, any man will be repulsed. So he stops caring. And let it all fall to ruin. If the woman responds by becoming more feminine, well, at least you know if you have a real man or not. Yeah, it takes the big effort and full awareness of both people, easing into it, bit by bit, little more trust, little more understanding, more care means more feminine means more reward for caring means more caring... and then the habits snap back, and then start over, and give a little, get a little, give a little, get a little.... oh, messed up again. Communicate, communicate, understand, try again... You know quite well that if the most responsible and containing protective man showed up, it would only be 5 minutes before you get triggered by some past memory and make him suffer for caring about you. It takes two...
"If they understood at all." That's offensive. Some of us guys actually do care. I've seen firsthand a dysfunctional father, of a friend of mine from back in the day. He didn't give a damn about anything, so his wife (my friends' mom) was very controlling. He was a jersey to her, my friend, me, my father as well, etc. As a young, angsty teenager, it was immensely stressful dealing with a person who wasn't my mom trying to control me as well, only to vascilate between being uptight and jumping up and down like a schoolgirl. That being said, then theres my parents. My dad shuts down and doesn't communicate well; I see the fricion that causes when he makes decisions without her. But I also see when he tries to talk it out and my mom acts like his decision isn't good enough and reverts into the mother-wife dysfunction all over again. It's a stressful topic , but I do really appreciate Teals' videos as a dude. Like in the videos' scenario, the guy definitely didn't responsibility make a good decision regarding the dog. And as a guy, making sure the emergency phone works would be my first thought actually.
My experience is the opposite. I'm a former boy scout, rescue firefighter, and military medic, among other things. I'm acutely aware of real dangers. She ignores those dangers and worries about worst-case scenarios that don't exist. She constantly criticizes my efforts to provide and protect. She has past trauma with another man. I can't fix that. I do my job. Making mountains out of petty problems is a choice. This whole blame the man for your own issues is ridiculous. If she wants to be uptight and controlling she will. She will end up with no man.
@crfogal67 Wow. Insightful comment. I was called controlling, but he would never showed that he cared about anything that I was worried about, but then he would scream at me and say, " I'M THE ALPHA!" He actually said that to me. However, he did not provide or protect. I had to do the providing and protecting. I am alone now and healing. It's nice to know that it goes both ways. Good luck!
Just because you feel you are safe, doesnt mean she feels safe with you. Its about a deeper emotional attunement. You are enough, but she needs something else. Mismatches happen all the time. And its easier to get triggered and angry, than to face the sadness and grief what didnt work out. Your pain is valid. Try move beyond the anger and blame, to inner peace and acceptance. Grief the mismatch. It happens. It sucks, but it doesnt sound like it was compatable. Just remind yourself you are enough
I think making big problems out of small is something else. Controlling usually includes detailed planning to avoid any problems all together. Maybe try asking her how she would like this or that in a perfect world? It might help you understand what she is missing, without sometimes maybe even realizing it herself 😊 Good luck!
As a reasonably responsible man married to a controlling wife I can see that it has been my failure to make her feel safe that leads to her anxiety and control. However, I have already taken the majority of the responsibility to provide, and I contribute 50% to domestic and childcare. Often the level of planning detail required for a holiday ruins the experience for me. I do think women need to take some responsibility for their anxiety, especially when so much of it appears to be driven by social media.
I think when it’s childhood based, sometimes that needs therapy. Containment in the now doesn’t necessarily resolve it. Also some women are narcissists. So it’s important to analyse if it’s childhood trauma, narcissism / entitlement or unmet present needs. Three different things imo with different approaches needed. Sounds like you are meeting present needs.. or just need to tweak the present need thing slightly.
@@DivineLightPaladinYeah, I agree with divine light. It's best to just directly communicate. You might think you contribute 50% to chores and childcare but does she think that too? Maybe there's just a misunderstanding of what you are both doing. Also note everyone has different staminas, especially depending on age. Asking is a good start 🙂
From what I’ve read and seen, men tend to overestimate how much of the work they actually take on… I had to sit my husband down and make a literal list of chores then we divided them before he realized how much more I was doing… he legitimately thought he was doing 50%… after the list was made, he was doing about 20%…. And I was doing all of the mental load. Phone calls, teacher communication, sports organization, sports driving, friend play dates…. He had done none. So are you entirely sure you may not be partially blind to your level of responsibility taken on? My husband after that stuck to his allotted chores and we both knew it was truly equal and no resentment was being held.
@@annastone5624🎯🎯🎯🎯This is the one thing this Woman did not touch on… Childhood trauma and the need for therapy, especially before getting into a relationship
Thanks for this! I noticed these traits and behaviors in roommates too, the gender almost doesn't matter at that point. The controlling person doesn't wanna lose everything that keeps the situation stable, and the carefree person doesn't want an uptight strict life at home. I have been in both roles. I think you nailed this one, Miss Swan...
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!! This information brought me so much comfort. Teal, you are a gift to the world and I'm so grateful to you for the work you do. I know it comes at a great personal cost. 💖
I feel I am the man in my life. I am hyper vigilant when it comes to planning. I can see the negative consequences of poor planning and seek to avoid them at every turn. I can only relax with a man who is smarter than I am. One who can see further than I can and anticipate beyond what I see. Its the only way I can trust him to plan anything for me.
Unfortunately, my comment might add to your anxiety, but I feel that it needs to be said. You also can’t completely trust someone who is smarter, can see further, etc. because people can be wrong sometimes. Maybe you already know this.
The reality is setting expectation you have for yourself and projecting it outward onto others as a need is going to find you longing for something that only brings you back to yourself. You'll see anyone who doesnt meet your needs as a negative, but its because you dont realize what you are asking for is already latently within you. You are asking for yourself. Not your qualities in another. You want who you are already but are afraid of being alone as a consequence.
@@carlyofearth I think it's important to remember that very smart people, generally don't want close relationships with people "beneath them" I watched a video on that recently. It's just too taxing to have this crazy asymmetry in cognitive ability. To me it's a huge turn off to be explaining things constantly, I feel like we can't vibe, and the interactions become tedious and boring, and eventually painful.
So validating and affirming to hear this 13 years post divorce of why I was so uptight then. I had innate instinct and intuition that the relationship dynamic felt so “off” and intolerable after decades of tolerance. You illustrated it perfectly here. Valuable information for anybody to have uncomfortable conversations and take powerful action to liberate and empower themselves
I agree with Teal, mostly. If as a woman you're asking yourself now: "wtf am I left do, if men are the ones that need to step up ? Where is my power in this situation ?" The answer is simple: focus on your part which is, be SELECTIVE and take ownership of your own needs. Until you find a man that is that kind of a provider, stay single. Meet your relationship needs in other creative ways until then. I wish Teal would acknowledge the law of mirroring in this case. We controlling women and that includes Teal from my observations, are this way wayyy before we get with a laid back (below bare minimum, low effort) "man". We had shitty/absent/npc "fathers" that made us not even aware of what to look for in a real man. I have dated such trash simply bc that is what was modeled to me. I also behaved like trash bc again, that is what was modeled to me. Our responsibility as women is to become self-reliant enough so that we can then choose from our best interest and NOT from desperation. It's a viscious cycle that can be difficult to break. I keep reverting to her video on codependency vs. Independence vs. Interdependence. Interdependence aka healthy relationship dynamics is the goal but we can't skip that necessary self-reliance step in between. Become your own man (by finding creative ways to meet your needs outside of a romantic partnership) and treat yourself with the utmost respect. Then and only then will you be able to fully recognize and reject those bbmle "men". Red flags will never be invisible again bc you can compare the treatment of that potential partner to your own self-loving treatment. If this resonates check out the following resources that helped me on my journey so far besides Teals content: The channel "manifestelle" here on TH-cam. Her videos enlightened me further than I got than from seeing Teal as the exclusive go-to for my problems. Research "rotational dating", I promise you'll be so happy you did, I sure was. I wish you the all the best, lady.💃💗 Now imma go and practice what I preached 😅❤️🔥
One caveat, controlling women have to be willing to be vulnerable, and not be in control. We have to go against our programming. That takes a willingness to trust and the courage to be in a relationship that does not feel familiar. (co-dependence)
. Red flags will never be invisible again bc you can compare the treatment of that potential partner …to your own self-loving treatment.💖💖💖💖💖 This is so true. For years I’ve read books in codependency and tried to fix myself, now I think that was never the core problem. What a terrible waste of my time!! Since I have started investing in self care and living a better lifestyle for myself.. I’m experiencing what you refer to. I meet guys I would have been smitten with in the past and I just feel turned off by their messy lives. No thanks.. my peace is too precious. 😇
once you let someone control money.. you also let them control: - will you get medical treatments when you need them. The so called provider can just tell you nope lol deal with it yourself! - who will feed you can also starve you - the relationship how long it last it purely depend on will your partner, provider find you attractive and useful so yes will have own money
This exactly what happened in my marriage. Word for word. There were endless ways he dropped the ball and refused to take responsibility. I finally had to end it because i absolutely hated having to be the masculine while wishing i could be the feminine. I have finally felt heard and im crying 😭 💓💓 thank you Teal
So happy you actually listed things we need to assess for in men, to get our feminine needs met. Thank you for being so spesific! ❤ Video Request: I haven't seen that you have really gone in depth/super pragmatic about what it actually entails practically for a man to provide containment/providersship etc and other needs met for a woman to genuinely be in her feminine energy. Like teaching us what that looks like on a day to day basis. And the agreements or set up for it to work in the real world. I really appreciate everything you teach that is as super pragmatic and implementable / assessable when choosing a partner. Hope you will do more really in depth videos about how that healthy masculine and feminine dynamic can look exemplified. Even just the economic part of providership since it is a whole new territory for so many women waking up to that we don't want to be seen or treated like men. Also especially since a lot of Western/European/ even worse Scandinavian culture; I have no contexts for how polarity relationships can look. So I'm basically learning now about it in the last 2 years from TH-cam coaches and mentors. Thank you in advance! Love you always! ❤🎉
I wonder if going over our imaginal drives with partners would be the practical implementation? General language is universal enough to start attuning but to ground we would require particular details... Although it feels lame and even shows out imaginal to be a bit of an "act" Im sure that our point of points is imaginal. I eat so I can live so I can express or enjoy expression (aesthetics): "If you wish to build a ship, do not divide the men into teams and send them to the forest to cut wood. Instead, teach them to long for the vast and endless sea." Antoine de Saint-Exupéry Imagine if partners can teach each other their longings!... It might feel lame or awkward but I think also it's worth setting an ideal track and then sharing the ride "as it happens." It would be a continuous improvement model I'm sure 😂
@@tinalove7860 I know the feeling. But lately I’ve also had to admit to myself that I myself probably am really scared off when I do. I want it. But it’s also hard to get into my receptive femininity when there’s an opportunity. So I can understand it might also be difficult for men to tap into their masculinity all the way. But I don’t know. 🤷♀️
I see this dynamic in my parents where my mom is the "carefree" one. She likes to do things on her time and she feels like my Dad is controlling. However, it's not that he wants to be. She's just so darn irresponsible that things are so inconsistent if my Dad doesn't constantly give her feedback. I've tried to talk to her about it but she feels because she sometimes does what she says that should be enough. It's so unfair to my Dad to do the invisible labor of managing his life AND her life. It really benefits her but not him. The "carefree" partner doesn't realize that they are being unfair to their partner. The "controlling" partner looks like the issue which makes the "carefree" person feel absolved from responsibility, which is exactly what they want.
This is a thought provoking topic…. I know of people in this type of relationship…. The woman is controlling/uptight, always directing the man what to do, while the man is laid back and made to think he’s incapable of making a decisions for himself. The dynamic is vicious where the woman feels the man NEEDS her to be that way in order for things to go right and then blames the man for messing up and that he didn’t listen to her. The answer is women need to be able to fulfill their own needs and a relationship w/someone enhances her life and the life they lead together. It’s not that a woman doesn’t need a man to be happy but we are responsible for our own happiness.
Like she says, it’s a trauma response. Ironically the “laid back man” is actually a trauma response from a controlling mother too. He’s subconsciously wanting to be mothered, and it truly is him that can wake up and change the dynamic into healing them both when he leads. Should look up Ehsun Anwar videos on the mother wound in a man. He’s a genius like she is
Womp womp I think she's actually saying that those needs don't actually go away and you can't just put a "well I guess I just need to be hyper individualistic and only responsible for myself" overlay over everything which always inevitably ends in the woman being responsible for not only herself but for others too because of woman's cosmic role in creating and sustaining all of life in this realm and others. What she needs is collaboration and for the aggregate consciousness to shift around her to become more altruistic and hospitable. Having a responsible man in the relationship dynamic helps steer us in that direction. Think of the terms microcosm and macrocosm. What is happening in her small private affairs may seem insignificant but in actuality the woman is creating the society through her offspring. Yet social conditioning has done such a number on us that we've forgotten that the mother is crucial to our survival and so we've become so unattuned to her.
@@theindianoceanangel All I’m saying is I’m not responsible for someone else’s happiness and happiness can be fulfilled within relationships. Having a strong sense of self is a foundation. The only way to shift what we see around us is being able to understand and feel what is going on within. Who we choose to be around us ENHANCES our lives.
This video is extremely accurate I talk from lived experience with an ex bf like this and it made me into a controlling mess when I’m actually usually not controlling at all!! Never again!
...And that is why being in a relationship with a woman that doesn't 'work' on herself is like being with a 5 year old child. In my experience, anticipating her fears and try to make her feel 'contained' could drive me totally CRAZY. I think it would turn a man into a woman himself, constantly worrying about could go wrong the very next minute. A carefree attitude and minimizing her fears does not work either, many of us have experienced this. Just stop expecting that somebody else should eliminate every single danger and discomfort of life. Yes, life is dangerous. And yes, things can go not as planned even if your man has taken care of everything in a very responsible way. First of all take care of yourself like an adult and stop, jeez... Work on yourself
P.S. this controlling attitude is also typical of women that are blind to the spiritual nature of Life. If she had some sort of awakening experience she will somehow know that nothing happens outside of god's will. Sometimes older women get this, One way or another.... But... They are old and can't do much anymore. So, don't wait.
I totally agree with you, except for the part when you say it would turn a man into a woman... What kind of BS is that?? You think no man ever suffers form anxiety, fear and controlling behaviours?! Nonetheless, man or woman, every adult is responsible for healing their own traumas. One can't, and shouldn't expect others to cater to them and think ahead of what crazy worry they'll fantasy about in the next minute. Especially when "others" are children.
Exactly! Teal is beautiful, a wonder of nature. But she thinks like a child. It's only her shocking beauty and self-confidence on that beauty what makes everything she says seem reasonable.
@@kifi672 Of course a man may suffer from anxiety or fear! But that anxiety or fear doesn't focus on the same issues as a woman's anxiety or fear. Controlling behaviors are another topic: A man who has controlling behaviors because of fear is actually behaving like a woman, which is repulsive for women. His woman will therefore reject him.
To the opposite that would make him more masculine. It's nothing neurotic about a man that plans and makes things run smooth. That's very masculine, stable and hot. Highly trained agents and military are not ''turned into women'' - they are just soberly aware of where potential threats are in a specific moment, planning and preventing. That is masculine energy. ''Going with the flow-men'' are in the feminine pole. Like butterflies. That is more like being a 5year old I'd say. 5 year olds can not think ahead. They wouldn't make plans for the dog, check the equipment or buy food - a 5yearold would just go. They are not very aware of potential problems. They don't plan much. They are very care free. (It makes sense some women would go into the masculine pole around a man like that to compensate). So... anticipating needs are Masculine traits. Like a driver in a car is in masculine energy: Looking out for dangers on the road, making sure the breaks works etc, keeping track on when to slow down and when to speed up etc etc. Whilst the person in the passenger seat looking out the window carefree enjoying the sun is in feminine energy. No matter what gender they are. A woman who would have worked on her self would just softly flow away from a care free/ responsibility free man like that. No judgements, control or harshness. She just would not be interested in him. She would know her needs and her worth and know that there's nothing wrong with her for being sensitive and enjoying a man who is connected and aware of his surroundings, able to plan and look ahead. That naturally is connected to his own, his woman's, his family's, and the collectives needs and higher good.
As a physically disabled man, I recognize the truth in her words, but it feels like a tall and almost impossible and very daunting order for myself. I am very careful and responsible for my own needs. Providing a sense of containment and safety For a woman in the past has been a huge difficulty.
I have a dear friend who is paraplegic, and very emotionally mature. Everyone brings crying women to him! He sits them on his knee and puts his big arms around them, he matches his squeeze to the intensity of their crying, and keeps his mouth shut! As the crying ebbs he relaxes his grip. It feels amazing to receive his absolute nonjudgmental containment, and it allows the emotion to move, release and dissipate. It is such a gift. I wish more men were as capable at this as he is.
@@AnnaGrace603 I’ve got ulcerative colitis. Stress can cause me to have intense flare ups. I’ve had to leave jobs and postpone career advancement to wait for my health to improve. Exercise can be very demanding but I stay trim. Eating enough to gain real muscle is difficult. I was once so nervous to impress a woman that I immediately had a flare up, by the time I cleaned myself up enough to get naked in front of someone she had lost interest and fell asleep. So those are some examples of how a chronic illness can make certain “masculine” duties difficult
@@matthewhanson498 I am the provider in my relationship. I don't see my partner as any less masculine. I actually love his gentleness and sensitivity. I like teal but gender roles are so constraining. Not every guy is a picture of 'masculine energy' not every woman even wants to be contained.
I attempted to take in this information in the form of controlling people. I came in with the intention to learn, but left with the realization that I'm no longer interested in other people's reasons for their reactions. Thank you kindly for helping me to see where I am presently.
I definitely agree with a man creating a safe space for a woman to be herself, but what must also be spoken out loud is that she needs to take responsibility for getting the professional help she needs to (effectively!) deal with the monsters from her past that are still in her head.
@@carlyofearth Believe me, I wish I could slay a woman's demons but therapy at that level that is a long, complicated and messy process (same for men too.. I can attest) and I am not qualified to do that. Some things are best left to the professionals.
@deanm.3881 I believe what you say is true. I’ve been in therapy several years now and it’s pretty amazing and shocking at the same time. There’s no way any average man could have navigated this. I had so may layers of gaslighting my true self didn’t have a voice to communicate with. It’s difficult it’s expensive but in my opinion it’s very effective and being in a relationship requires a certain level of healing as a foundation.
Hello Teal. I love your strength, knowledge, femininity, presence, vulnerability, leadership and sharing. The world will only be devine with you being among the high vibrational beings in it, which is why i am here. I wish to be a voice championing you forward against the tides. Thank you for your life.
I think that we need to acknowledge how rare it is to find a man who is willing to provide all of these things of his own volition and with a promise of romantic exclusivity. It is certainly not high. With that said, I still mostly agree that these "controlling" women basically need a new father. The "carefree" men do too as well honestly.
@@redemptionhappens7725 ...which, in some way, IS a father. At least, what a real loving father would be. Think about that. Controlling women lack the father figure, probably because sometimes HE was the problem in the family, making them feeling afraid, abused, insicure. So now they (the controlling women) are acting as being the father of themselves, thus suppressing some feminine trait in them. And, in a way, they succeded, meaning that this is a coping mechanism they learned during their life in order to "guide" themselves, and they managed to do it. They had to become tough, in order to survive the dangers around them. In order to let go, they should find some real strong and loving man who could help them in their journey to be more carefree, cause he can be the tough protecting guy for them, for once.
Where is the line between taking responsibility for the relationship as the man, and being parentified? Im genuinely asking, I cant find the line so far. I dont want to be the parent in any relationship unless its with my actual child.
The solution is to get away from controlling uptight women. You have no responsibility to take care of and/or enable a mentally unstable woman, which is what they are. Let them be alone and work on themselves until they CAN MEET THEIR OWN NEEDS and are fit for a healthy human relationship.
I wish Teal read this comment. You are amazing. One of the rare few content creators that *really* get it, on so many levels. You're the most intelligent woman I've seen. I love her.
Isnt this just another way of saying "your the guy, so you better make sure everything goes right because that's your job. If she doesnt like it... its your fault."
A man who is a great leader won't tolerate a toxic woman. A man who is a great leader will prove to a good woman he's worthy of following. If there's drama, yes something the man is doing is causing it. Because unworthy women don't last and worthy women feel they can finally relax.
Yeah. it must feel good to always have a way to blame men for your faults. No accountability for anything. If a man blamed his controlling or any other sort of abuse on his gf/wife that would never fly.
@beatnik6806 95% of women aren't worthy. So it is likely the woman's fault if a man isn't toxic. Either that or two healthy people just aren't compatible. Who cares about fault though... take your lessons and don't give AF if they do, keep your eyes on your own path and take what you want from this world.
@beatnik6806 it's actually true for women too. I'm a great catch... I caused problems over and over again by tolerating toxic men. I've finished that phase of my life. And now if I choose a great man and there's problems in be analyzing myself and what I can do to fix the problem. If he's the problem and doesn't grow, he's gotta go. I think growth minded people can only really comprehend the blaming yourself for problems paradigm... it's not really about fault, it's about control. I don't care much what my partner does to cause problems until I've fixed all I can in myself, once it's in their territory my only choose is to communicate and hope, then leave if nothing changes. I don't like the way things go when it's not my fault. I know i can fix anything, I can only hope my partner can fix anything.
11:42 Alternatively, if that all sounds exhausting, steer clear of uptight and controlling women, and conversely, steer clear of carefree men who are more spontaneous and impulsive. Find a woman who either has healed from said traumas or dissolved those intense fears (or preferably never had them to such an extreme level). They should also have needs that are easy for you to meet without much effort. And for controlling women, find a partner who naturally enters relationships in a way that will help in this reparenting process. In short, vet for better and more compatible partners from the start.
exactly! finding a women who can keep the cuckoo in the clock, along with our current govmints' nanny ideology; ei: replacing fathers in the home is a bad deal for men.
Thankyou for this. I fucked up massively today by not being attuned to my partner. This awareness was deeply helpful in helping me grow as a person. Bless you Teal Swan.
In all honesty what I feel you are describing here is a male that’s not an adult yet. It’s not laid back to put a dog in the yard to dig holes. Nor is it the case to go into an environment many never come back from without ensuring everyone is aware of the safety precautions being taken. My father was a very laid back man… but he wasn’t careless and irresponsible.
Interesting point! How to distinguish being laid back with being irresponsible? What was your farther like? I hope it’s ok to ask, just going through my own relationship over here…
Probably the answer to your question requires a different question. how does one distinguish controlling vs responsible and how does “laid back” find space within the definition? Laid back implies not controlling. Control is born out of fear. Responsibility is born out of maturity/spiritual evolution and enhanced by practicality. There is a responsibility when involving other beings. You don’t expect a dog to not be a dog. It’s not practical. Dad was a dog man. He learnt how to manage them with respect. A dog needs an appropriate house of it’s own with a chain or cage so that when you cannot give it the appropriate amount of attention that it doesn’t destroy stuff or get out and hit by a car. Dogs also require dedication. They deserve attention. 2 walks a day. Training, good food etc. not to be discarded carelessly into a scenario that’s undesirable for all involved because one can’t be asked. To this day the “hand bag dog” culture with numpties who know nothing about dogs getting a dog as an accessory - 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ dumb. Worse they get working dog breeds and keep them in apartments. Responsibility is acknowledging that the dog is a being and it deserves care in the selection process let alone the rest. It’s not a toy. As far as going into nature - nature is dangerous. I live in New Zealand people die here all the time… in nature. It’s a pretty well known fact with anyone who ventures into nature a lack of knowledge is problematic. More importantly anxiety and fear can make a situation exponentially worse. Then of course there is another element, acknowledging who your partner is and employing some compassion in the process of how you manage your interactions. At what point do we acknowledge for example an anxious attachment style may need to know that you are coming back. They may need a simple check in point so they can manage the anxiety of absence. I believe people change - it’s my job. But in my experience they don’t do it fast and nor do they do it according to another’s schedule or requirements. We need to start acknowledging that everyone lives in their very own unique view of the world. No one is playing with exactly the same deck. No one is wrong. But as we seek to interact we can develop tools. When “laid back” creates damage by dismissing how the other feels this is a break down in relating. I am not saying one’s emotions and reactions are the responsibility of the other. But I am saying if I want to relate to the other I need to consider their limitations and find a way to improve the relational process and conversation with compassion for both of us.
Also: I grew up with a "carefree" mom and an emotionally unavailable dad, who hardly said anything. No wonder I grew up to be hyper alert and anxious all the time 😵💫
My ex partner could be categorized as “controlling” although I don’t like to use the word because she is also an extraordinary woman. As Teal points out, I had to be “on top of my game” for responsibilities and I recognize that I could have done more. What really bothered me though was when I actually took initiative and then things needed to be changed because the plans weren’t exactly how she wanted them to be. I felt like I couldn’t live up to her expectations.
She conveniently left out the part of this where most men find this type of dynamic to be too much trouble. On top of that, if he shows even one sign of weakness, she is typically gone. The guy doesn't have any room to be anything other than macho man. This is the result of BPD, Fearful-Avoidance, and a father wound. If she is not ready to heal, then it won't matter how much containment the man provides, and if he keeps sticking around through her BS, she loses respect for him anyway. Make sure she is open to therapy if you see that it is required, and then proceed.
You were never going to live up to her expectations. Her game was to keep you doing things for her forever. You were putting out fires that she started so that you were too busy putting them out, and never thought about leaving her. It's not the work that you did that made her feel secure in the relationship, it is the continuous demonstration of intentions. Intentions that you will forever need to keep displaying. You would never stop working in that type of relationship. Nothing you do would make her feel secure.
I wonder if it's because she lost trust in you. It might have been over by the time you tried to correct your behaviors. I know for me I had a relationship with a "carefree" man and I felt so taken advantage of all the time. I tried to express that and he would promise to do something then wouldn't. That made me lose trust in him over time. This made me hyper vigilant/controlling and always on top of things or else I would suffer the consequences of his neglect. By the time I was at a breaking point, he finally "tried" to be better. But by this point I completely resented him for not trying in the first place. For leaving me with all the responsibility which is what "carefree" men do. In contrast I had another long-term relationship with a really dependable man. He did what he said he was going to do. When I brought up an issue he addressed it right away. He was able to talk to me if he had an issues in the relationship. I was much more relaxed, not controlling, and spontaneous in this relationship.
Teal Swan, long time follower while listening to your show the reality of the controlling women is most of the time not in any danger. The chaos shouldn’t happen the discernment of the man in this situation is ignore it because the “threat” doesn’t exist and in some cases only in her mind. This can drive everyone in that household into hell. Thx
Yeah i’m not really confident in her perspective on this topic. She was basically just like she has trust issues and then you make her trust issues worse. Nd sometimes you don’t even have to do anything wrong other than no respond exactly how you’re expected to respond to every outburst. Not much of a relationship.
Another way of dealing with this problem is to live by yourself. I have never been this relaxed in my life since living alone and do not want to be on my guard having a relationship with a woman.
If I am a "carefree" man, it is because I was programmed to be that way by the paragon of controlling, uptight women: my mom. Everything you said about how she got to be that way is correct, but the behavior that manifested because of her fears was often so insane that now in my 60's I just want to be left alone when it comes to relationships. I'm completely fatigued by manufactured drama.
I love your videos ❤ I have a problem with this controlling issue it’s like the universe sent me this 😅 I appreciate that you explain every topic from the bottom that makes it understandable. thank you Teal there is so much we can learn from you❤
carefree guy and I’m not going to react to danger unless it’s actually there…. will not let stressed out people determine my emotional state. I kind of feel like this take completely absolves women of taking any responsibility for their feelings in the context of a relationship…. it’s infantilizing to them and embarrassing imo
The definition of "carefree" is free of anxiety or responsibility. If you are a man who takes no responsibility and you are in a partnership then you put responsibility on your partner by default. Think of the movie Mrs Doubtfire, if you've seen it. That dynamic will stress any woman out. If you feel like you take responsibility, keep your life in order, and are considerate of others then you're not "carefree."
@@vinityyyMaybe you or the culture in your office is unhealthy for her. I was in a male dominated field and a lot of the guys were disrespectful to me and the other women in my office. What's worse is that they completely were unaware and didn't realize they were doing it. They weren't "bad men" but they didn't make good colleagues for me. Once I left that department for a different one, all my anxieties melted away. I felt respected by my colleagues and everyone was very reliable. I think that lady you work with should probably find another position that's better suited for her needs.
@@vinityyy It might not get any better if you are avoiding her rather than giving her feedback. If you don't feel comfortable directly confronting her you could ask her a question. "Hey, how are you feeling about work lately? I've noticed you seemed a little tense when xyz (example). Is there anything I can do to help?"
@@vinityyy So you are contradicting yourself a bit here. "I'm not planning to avoid her" but you mention in your previous post "I want to avoid her." That type of aversion does poke through in conversations. It sounds like conflict is very uncomfortable for you but it's necessary if you want a good working environment. It's better to nip problems when they start and are small. Avoiding it only makes it worse. In all relationships you have to give feedback because eventually everyone fs up. If you let things go you are telling someone you are okay with that behavior by not speaking up. I didn't mean you should be more empathetic to her, my point is that you should speak up for yourself and also ask her what she needs. That's what healthy colleagues do.
@@happygolucky9004 I think you're misinterpreting the definition. Cambridge dictionary defines it as: 1. having no problems or not being worried about anything. 2. having no worries, problems, or anxieties; happy. Merriam-Webster defines it as: Free from care, such as: 1. having no worries or troubles. 2. irresponsible. Even in the example you yourself give, it is "free of anxiety *or* responsibility". It doesn't have to be both for a person to be carefree. He calls himself carefree because he is not easily stressed or anxious. Not because he's irresponsible. As a personality trait, carefree people don't worry unless the proverbial house is on fire. They can still be organized and prepared in regards to anticipating future problems. But they don't get anxious or stressed about things going wrong until they actually go wrong.
@@Alivebutnot It's only because they are not aligned and too focused on other things. No offense Bradley. I was most certainly not directing this at all men.
On a second note, this county needs men like you who are not as laid back as we are in a war for our human rights and freedoms and need more guys like you. Do you listen to A1's Riccardo Bosi?
I understand. One question though: In what part of this process does the woman take any smidge of responsibility about the situation? As a man, I can control whether the woman *is* safe. I cannot control whether she _feels_ safe. And, as a man, the thing that most aggravates us about controlling women is not that they *do not let us keep her safe by our own means* Also, this video is heavily assuming that all men are "incompetent" like the man in the video (to clarify, he wasn't). Women need to realize that *ever since the dawn of history men have made the world safer for them* There has not been an instance in history where the world was more dangerous to women than before. And yet women feel the most "unsafe" they have ever felt. We cannot be worrying about if the dog is annoying the neighbor when we have to worry abiout things like your actual physical safety. Providing for you, keeping you fed and providing shelter. And if we come back and the neighbor is angry, the man has to deal with it anyway, and no one got hurt. And the woman sees everything turned out fine and the guy has stuff under control. Instead of what often happens, the woman panicking then not letting the man do the things because they are "incompetent" according to them. You can safely assume that your safety is our responsibility, that's fine. But at what point does you _feeling fear_ stop being our "responsibility". Think for a second. From all the things you can choose for us to do, that is literally the only one we cannot control. This is not a good message for men, nor women for that matter.
Yes this is the first video of hers that I find completely ridiculous The story of the dog is just dumb. Even if it wasn't the dog, accidents happen. Sometimes things go wrong. Sometimes people make mistakes. Women will never find the perfect man. He doesn't exist. We all make mistakes. It's the woman who has to relax and when things go wrong, let the man fix them. If not, she can fix them herself. Either way, it's simply her not trusting herself, her man, and life itself to work things out when they go wrong Awful video. I think I understand what was trying to be communicated, but completely missed. Women have no agency anymore apparently. Must be nice to renounce all responsibility for our own feelings Completely ridiculous. Blind spot to Teal is my guess as to how this video got made I'm sure this is every woman's fantasy, but it's just that, a fantasy. No man or woman could live up to these expectations. Even if they could, why would they? Why put yourself through that and take responsibility for someone else's feelings, which you have absolutely no control over. Recipe for a divorce if you ask me Once again, awful video. Yikes 😬
@@DivineLightPaladin You can protect people but you can't guarantee they feel safe all the time Bad things will happen and the best we can do is develop the skill and ability to handle those things quickly and efficiently. Trying to be responsible for someone else's emotions is guaranteed to fail. The best we can do is love the other and be our best selves. How the other receives that is completely out of our control. Only through discernment can you determine if you are being your best self. If you are, then you have done your best. If not, apologize and fix it next time
@@DivineLightPaladin Oh, you can feel however you want. You are posting a comment from a digital device with internet. Likely in an urban area with thousands of men within walking distance. And you 100% haven't been assaulted nor accosted daily by ALL those men. So chances are that you are completely safe. Resistance is persistance. So _maybe_ think about it for a bit and accept that you _aren't_ unsafe even though you _force yourself to feel_ unsafe to cover up for whatever you aren't in alignment with. Another example of how ungrateful women are. You live in an era of abundance and all you can think of is fear.
Ya no. This can only be fixed if the woman is also aware that she is the problem. I've seen too many nasty controlling women who are downright disrespectful to and inconsiderate of everyone and deserve to be left in the dust. Perhaps I've seen the worst. Then the men actually complain about how unfair and mean the women are, yet choose to find and stay in the relationship regardless. "Whipped" men are little boys not capable of being what you described in this video either. You're talking to people who are miles into the completion process already. Not the average joe.
Thank you Teal for this very detailed explanation of this OBVIOUS reality . This is common sense still nobody seems to understand a woman 's needs not being met can lead a woman to negativity change and dysfunctionnaly adapt
- 00:00 📚 Society often labels certain behaviors as problematic, such as the archetype of the "uptight controlling woman." - 00:07 📩 Many men ask how to deal with controlling women, but few understand the root causes of this behavior. - 01:19 🧠 Control is a fear-based behavior stemming from unresolved trauma and chronic unmet needs, particularly the need for feminine polarity. - 02:23 💬 A common misconception is that a laid-back man can help a controlling woman relax, but this is usually ineffective. - 02:57 👥 A carefree man often fails to address dangers, increasing a woman's sense of responsibility and control. - 04:02 🚫 Instead of helping, a carefree man might reinforce the woman's anxiety and controlling behavior. - 06:04 🐕 An example illustrates how a laid-back man's lack of responsibility exacerbates a controlling woman's anxiety. - 09:11 📋 Carefree men prioritize their own enjoyment over the emotional well-being of their partner, lacking containment. - 10:00 🗝 The solution for controlling behavior lies in addressing trauma and fear, not just teaching relaxation techniques. - 10:36 👨👩👧👦 Responsible men who anticipate and address dangers can help controlling women feel safer and more relaxed. - 12:00 🌸 Women's controlling behavior stems from unmet feminine needs, not their nature. - 12:46 🛠 Women need a proactive approach to prevent pain and trauma, involving collaboration and shared problem-solving. - 13:12 📖 Resolving trauma can help, but women still need their fundamental needs met to change controlling behavior. - 13:44 🌍 Normalizing controlling behavior in women is a mistake; it results from unmet needs and a lack of proper containment. - 14:26 ✔ To address controlling behavior, recognize and remedy its root causes, including trauma and unmet needs.
I married a laid back man and I became controlling. Especially after the birth of our child. It's the second for me, but he became a father for the first time. Now, I feel like I'm having not two but three children I have to think of and care for and he blaims me that I'm controlling. On the other hand, he loves that I'm taking the responsibility of lots of things. I felt that and started to play his game. I noticed that the more things I let him do and learn him how to do, the more confident of his men power he becomes. I see how much work we, as a couple, have to do, but I still love him, and I'm willing to struggle, 'cause I see results and I believe and have faith in him and us.
I think the simple point of everything that you’re stating is that fear Is what drives human beings to act irrationally. One of those ways is controlling. These issues are directly related to their childhood needs. Instead of talking about what that person needs in a romantic partner, that person doesn’t need to focus on getting a romantic partner. That person needs to focus on healing themselves.
People heal in relationships not in isolation, but they need to be compatible relationships with mutual affective responsibility and a will to understand on both sides. A child needs a parent to learn to regulate their emotions and respond calmly, in the absence of an attuned attachment figure, they become one extreme or another - overly controlling and self-reliant or overly laidback, irresponsible and avoidant. Sometimes a mix of both. These are attachment wounds and can not be healed in isolation; the child who didn't get those needs met by the parent becomes the adult who still needs an external source to learn to regulate those emotions. These attachment wounds are healed when we find someone who cares enough to help us work through them and that care brings out the best in us and encourages us to do the same for them. When this is not possible, it is either because they are just completely incompatible, at different stages and/or with different capacities. A person can self-reflect and practise regulation while single but they need relationships to reflect back to them where they need to start digging and to give opportunities to practise those regulation techniques while triggered, because nothing triggers us like a romantic relationship. The trick is finding someone who triggers us to the right degree - not so much that we become totally irrational - and who cares enough to want to understand and be considerate of our struggles without blurring their boundaries and allowing themselves to come to harm in the process.
Thank you for taking time to reply. However, I disagree. A child can recover from even the deepest childhood wounds with therapy. A person can learn to address any deficiency in their personality, acknowledge that deficiency, forgive themselves, and that person or people, Let go of negative emotions, and truly heal. I find the idea that you need to be with someone to learn how to calibrate how to treat your own self and a partner with respect a little ridiculous; not to be disrespectful.
Correct me if I misunderstood: A misbehaving woman has zero responsibility for changing. Her trauma clearly rendered her thoroughly infantile, incapable of taking any accountability, for self-reflecting or regulating her emotional reactions. The sole source of hope, for her healing, is for the man to change himself, with no help from her. Never mind how the man's "carefree" pathology also likely has a cause, in emotional neglect, and also likely runs deep. Again, never mind how much he would probably benefit (and step easily into his masculine role) from a more relaxed, nurturing woman, or how much her behavior provokes his, no less than his provokes hers. Lastly, men and women are *different*: Women have needs, men have duties (to meet those needs).
If this is your understanding, I would suggest taking some time to consider each point of view and what each person can do to help themselves first so they can decide to work together or not. If that's the dynamic, hypothetically, both of them should be in personal therapy as well as couples therapy if they decide they are a match and want to understand each other
She's describing a dynamic and therefore describing how both sides contribute to and escalate the dynamic. She is doing so in response to queries about controlling women from carefree men so she created the video to help them understand. It is their choice if they want to take that advice or simply give up on the relationship. If he is not capable of stepping into his masculine role for this woman because she is triggering a trauma response in him too, then he absolutely should choose himself and possibly end the relationship. He doesn't have to choose to do any of this, but whether he is interested in making a relationship work or needs to walk away it is important to understand so she is explaining what is at play. People heal in relationships with others who care enough about them to try and understand them and meet their needs, emotional and otherwise. It works both ways. Both sides have a responsibility. The point made here is carefree men often expect to get a more relaxed, nurturing woman without considering what behaviours of theirs might be preventing their woman from being that. The focus of this video is why controlling women behave the way they do and how men being carefree exacerbates the behaviour. I am sure she has other videos that present the other side for women. What I read from your comment seems to be a double standard used to decry what you feel to be a double standard described in the video. In this case, you refer to a woman's need for control as 'misbehaving' and a less acceptable trauma response than the man's response of being irresponsible. (I may have misunderstood this; apologies if i did.) Again, this is one of the central points of the video - the widespread acceptance of the idea that women are just controlling and unreasonable by nature and because their behaviour is so repulsive, they are demonised and ridiculed while the carefree man is hailed as long-suffering. The woman is just expected to be different or be more like the man and let go/relax, whereas the man doesn't need to change or become more responsible because he is calm, fun and easy-going. Both are causing suffering but because the man's part is less obvious and his behaviour often not as ostentatiously obnoxious, the woman is presumed to be the root of the problem. Both sides have needs, both sides have duties. There are many dynamics at play in all relationships. This video is just describing one.
@@DivineLightPaladin Therapists have reported most women quit therapy when confronted, and asked to take accountability, in any way. So therapists have an economic incentive to cater to the women, if they want to put food on their own tables. If two people cannot go toe-to-toe and stay in conversation with the intention to understand (as much as to be understood), then they have no godly business in each other's lives; other than to humiliate them until they snap out of it.
In short steer entirely away from said woman in 1st place it's a never ending rabbit hole (ASMR bi-polar etc)👍. "Figure out what she might be afraid of" 🙄
"If you don't want a controlling man, be a better woman" See how that isn't always the case and sometimes just victim blaming. Sometimes one side is too irresponsible, sometimes the other is just too neurotic and/or entitled
@@asura8495 people do frequently tell women this. Victim blaming women for selection is normalized. To be clear, I don't agree with the initial commenter. I think a more aligned summation of this video is " You as a man have every right to be the kind of man you want to be and that is perfect, stay on your path and commune with a woman who is compatible with you then provide containment in the unique way that only you and that woman define for yourselves." I think in order to recieve what Teal is saying this has to be viewed with her other videos where a woman has addressed her own shadow self, taken accountability, and both people are in a compatible situation. This info doesn't fly if those other conditions aren't met.
@@deborahappreciates8 Blaming women for their selection comes from their systematicly picking bad men and blaming all men for their faults. Nice try to blame it on men again.
You described my parents, at 40 I am just starting to unlearn this, as I had been mirroring this dynamic in my own relationships without realising . Better late than never .
My mother is the definition of a controlling and uptight woman, with all respect to her. That stems from a lot of trauma that has to do with being out of control, and being threatened and flat out hurt. I have the same issues, but I've taken them to a whole other level. But also we are naturally more tuned to dangers and thus we can avoid them better. The solution is to first face and feel our traumas and open up and allow people that can be allies to our healing, but it's hard for both of us, for different reasons.
@@happygolucky9004 Well, that is a very good question. I have been on my own healing journey for the last 8 years, I have made a lot of progress, yet it's not an easy road, considering how much I have been through, and how little support I have in my life currently. I am contemplating going to a psychologist, but I am not sure if they're gonna help me or if that's the solution. As for my mom, I suggested to her recently that she goes to a psychologist, to talk about some things there, but she said that she doesn't need one right now.
@@annat.622It might be worth exploring a therapist as you can only take your healing so far. You can't be your own external reference, just like you can't see what's on your back. Everyone has blind spots and having a third party helps emensely.
@@happygolucky9004 Yeah, I guess you're right, but I am worried that I might not find someone good as a therapist/psychologist, and I am scared to put myself in someone else's hands in general, but maybe it's worth the try. Thank you.
@@happygolucky9004 I don't know if you're seeing this message, but I want to thank you! You're one of the three people who suggested the option of therapy/seeing a psychologist, and after the third person suggested it, I saw this as a sign from the Universe that I probably need to go to see a psychologist, and today I went to my first therapy session. So thank you for being a part of this! I hope you're doing well! ❤
I'm a woman dealing with a lot of subconscious masculinisation (generational trauma) and recognized myself in the laidback man gaslighting his partner when they express fear. I feel sorry for my boyfriend not being taken seriously by me and just focusing on my superficial "chill atmosphere". Which was a self-gaslight to begin with - I spent almost 30 years on my own with no one looking out for me and people even shaming me for being scared and worried, so eventually I just started acting reckless without batting an eye. Because being left alone in this kind of existential dread was just too much. Thank you Teal for resolving this cognitive dissonance and shining light on this dynamic 🌷✨️
Can you also record a video why majority of women struggle to be an adult in relationships? Why they act like little immature girls while expecting almost all the responsibilities from the man as if we are their father and they feel entitled to have absolutely no responsibility at all?
I think it's up to men to figure that one out. Women are psychologically designed to be owned by warlike men, thus their grape fantasies and love of men in prison. I don't know what normal guys can do in the meantime but I think in the future women will be owned and controlled by wealthy men and traded among the soldiers who work for those wealthy men. The other 90% of men will probably be given drugs and surgeries to neuter their sexual desire so they can concentrate on working for the powerful without resentment. In the meantime, pretending that normal men can satisfy a woman is a joke, it just doesn't work that way.
Control is a type of bullying, that insecure people demonstrate because they cant handle the chaos and complexity of the world. They lash out and attack in attempt to create order out of chaos, and create their wold view of how things should be. Rather than attacking others they should either work on themselves to be able to respect other types of people or find their own tribe of like minded people. Their is no need for the victim of their irrational and toxic behaviour to change when they are not the problem.
It would seem very challenging, if not impossible to get out in front of everything that a woman thinks might go wrong. Also, many things may have been accounted for without her awareness.
But why would a woman appreciate that? There is always something more he could be doing, that he isn't doing, and she wants him to read her mind, which of course he can't do, and then she wants to be critical and demanding on him. Why would any man want that? A man gets to the finish line, only to find out, the woman moved the line further away, so he can never meet her impossible expectations and standards. Men should save themselves stress and pain, and just go their own way and avoid these toxic women.
So, I missed how it is actually remedied. If the woman never takes responsibility for her unwarranted fears and constantly lives on the edge of "What ifs" in life, she has relegated herself to a lifetime of bondage and slavery. The fact that she is controlling indicates that she is not in control of herself and her thought patterns. It is NOT the mans job to be her therapist... 98% of fears will NEVER come true. People must learn how to properly marry emotions with truth. I have found it better to just avoid those who are controlled by unrealistic fears unless you are willing to join yourself for the rest of your life to this exhausting energy drain. The best way to overcome fear is to intentionally place yourself in the situations which trigger them- each time reminding yourself that you are perfectly safe until you desensitize and dispel it completely. It helps to remember and reflect on the initial event while doing this. Just my experience from 35 years of marriage. Jeffrey Z. in SC
@@changingmymind Perhaps "irrational" might be a better choice of words. People who are always led by fear cannot enjoy life because their mind is always focused on the "What ifs". To me, that is the ultimate slavery and joy killer in life.
@@changingmymind Fearing death (in general) is unwarranted. Death is unavoidable, we ultimately all do. The best we can do is take control of our lives as much as possible, and through preparedness and caution, avoid dying for as long as possible. The same goes for any other fear. You resolve fear by understanding the object of your fear, and to what degree you can influence it. Then you take control of what is within your influence, and operate it in such a way that the part of it which is outside your control becomes irrelevant. Anything outside of your control must be accepted as reality. Fear has an evolutionary purpose in our biology. There are three types of fear: Anticipatory fear, acute fear, and traumatic fear. Anticipatory fear is ultimately fear of the unknown. Knowing something is going to happen, not knowing how it might affect you. At the root of it is the inherent risk of uncertainty. The purpose of anticipatory fear is to invoke avoidance. "I don't understand this, this is scary.". It serves the purpose of making us cautious when we do not grasp the situation well. Acute fear is in the moment. Like losing your balance on a cliff edge, or walking in the street and a loose dog running straight at you. You know the potential consequences. You know if you fall it will hurt, you know if the dog bites you, you will get seriously injured. The fear serves to get your adrenaline going so that you can react to the immediate threat. To trigger a fight or flight response. Traumatic fear is learned fear. Any time you have gotten hurt (whether it's physically or emotionally), you learn to fear the context in which it occurred. Like anticipatory fear, its purpose is to invoke avoidance. "I got hurt like this before, I shouldn't repeat behaviour x or I should get out of situation y.". Unlike anticipatory fear, the object of fear comes from your lived experiences rather than uncertainty / your imagination. Whether or not fear is warranted depends on probability and actual reality in the moment you experience it. If a woman walks down a street and becomes afraid whenever a man passes her on the street, regardless of the context, that is a rampant fear. She needs to take control of her fear, rather than be controlled by it, by becoming more observant. Is the guy about to cross her path ignoring her or staring at her? Does he politely greet her as he passes, or does he make a crass remark? Does he continue on his way or turn around and start to follow her? This fear is mainly anticipatory. The "unknown" being "what the man is thinking". But there can also be a traumatic aspect to it if the woman has had prior negative experiences. It (should) only become(s) an acute fear if the man shows signs that he might do something. I am not saying this fear is inherently irrational, but it needs to be controlled, otherwise it becomes an irrational fear.
Incase you'd rather read about it instead and want to dive deeper into today's topic: tealswan.vip/workbooks
You kinda make it sound like the controlling woman is the protagonist and the care free man is the antagonist of the scenario
Accountability is like kryptonite to modern women
The headline is a bit misleading. I read it as 'how to control women as a carefree man'. Maybe, ''the truth about archetypal controlling women...''
WITCH!!!!!
@@MrRymank1979 go watch more redpill joe shmoe. It must be really frustrating when no women wants to suck your thing down there
A stable man is not always a “carefree” passive man. A stable man brings positive leadership to a relationship: taking initiative, always thinking ahead, proactive problem solving, considering the consequences of his decisions and how they will affect the woman he’s with, always including the woman in his future plans. These are also important qualities to look for in a potential father.
I’m kind of at the point where if even a man shows these qualities I feel like it’s a trick to make me weak and vulnerable to take from me and leave me even more weak and more vulnerable. It’s this whole weird reverse psychology game.
@@bludesertfairy3370 that’s because you’ve been used and abused by the wrong one and it’s hard for you to heal. If you really want a real man, you gotta do the work and heal.
"always thinking ahead, proactive problem solving, considering the consequences of his decisions and how they will affect the woman he’s with, always including the woman in his future plans. These are also important qualities to look for in a potential father."
That is not only man behaviour, that is grown up behaviour. A woman also has to think ahead and consider the consequences of her actions for the people she is with and include them in her plans. That is imperative for being a parent! As a man who has been through a real lot, and had to claw his life from traumatized childhood to being able to farm, fell trees, fight, and had many difficult jobs during his life I can tell you I will never, ever again provide containment for any of those grown up children who call themselves women. Responsibility goes both ways. Especially in a time and age where we are trying to grow spirutually as human beings.
laughing at the word leadership..
did this so called leader ever think anything outside of his lifespan?
mostly.. women outlive men.. did he ever thought whats going to
happen to wife?
RARE men think of this. Men are not trust worthy
@@ChubbsterOfficial Finding a man who is different from that might solve it.
Former controlling woman, I can vouch for everything Teal just said. My current boyfriend couldn't be more different from my ex in terms of how much he is willing to show up in the relationship. It makes all the difference
He is a keeper so ensure both want the same for 10-15-20 years together and start now.
lucky you...
What do you mean by"show up," it would be most helpful to men looking to improve themselves if you provided real life examples.
@@arias2026 Yes isn't she? 😊 It's great you're celebrating her joy.
@@nicolina1026 as much as it's great that you feel empathy for the less fortunate instead, isn't it?
This seems about half right. My ex was uptight and controlling, and I tried to make her feel safe, loved, heard, and understood, well provided for. The more of her expectations I met, the higher her expectations became and the more demanding she became. I felt I was running on a threadmill that was just getting faster and faster.
I couldn't possibly forsee all the potential fears she could have, and it became exhausting to try and do so.
The solution for a woman being controlling is not simply that their partner is largely at fault and needs to step up. That might be part of it but It's a bit more complex than that.
She has some responsibility to evaluate her fears and needs and determine if they're realistic and rational.
Simply offsetting all the responsibility onto your partner whether ypur a man or a woman is simply not a strategy for lasting happiness.
Sounds like you overstretched your boundaries, champ. That's part of containment.
I think it’s just an extreme case. I get what you’re saying, but I think most women just struggle being the adult in the relationship Vice the things you’re talking about. This video is just talking about the men that let all household and family tasks fall on the woman. Some men are so oblivious to what needs to be done around the house and family life that they let it all fall on their wife or girlfriend. It’s exhausting to constantly be in charge of making sure another adult is doing their part as a fellow adult. To run a household, there needs to be management (the adults). If one is carrying more of the load than the other, it’s unbalanced. The collaboration piece she talks about is vital for a woman’s sense of safety in the relationship.
teal in this video totally talked about using her completion process to work on and adress her trauma, as well as consciously implementing preventative methods for the things she fears etc. She never said "its all men's responsibility"
Well said! It takes BOTH people looking at themselves and seeing where they can heal.
@@Dap740people don't often watch the video ij full, or comprehend everything said in full before commenting.
It’s easier for the person to say “don’t worry about it” when they aren’t the one who has to clean up after the mess and live with the consequences
E X A C T L Y !!!
No, I don't think it is asking too much for a woman (or person) not to constantly criticize the man (or person) who SHE CHOSE and continues to choose, to live with. See here:
"You Got Lucky"
One, two
You better watch what you say
You better watch what you do to me
Don't get carried away
Girl, if you can do better than me
Go
Yeah, go
But remember
Good love is hard to find
Good love is hard to find
You got lucky, babe
You got lucky, babe
When I found you
You put a hand on my cheek
And then you turned your eyes away
If you don't feel complete
If I don't take you all of the way
Then go
Yeah, go
But remember
Good love is hard to find
Good love is hard to find
You got lucky, babe
You got lucky, babe
When I found you
Yeah, go
Just go
But remember
Good love is hard to find
Good love is hard to find
You got lucky, babe
You got lucky, babe
When I found you
th-cam.com/video/td8To6gb3qA/w-d-xo.html
You know what is even EASIER? Never turning a single wrench your entire life but MAGICALLY having the benefits of thousands of well oiled and maintained machines piloted by men farming and trucking your food to you, and your clothes, and EVERY SINGLE OTHER thing you take for granted to the miles upon miles of stores where you can grudgingly spend 87% of all domestic spending BUT without ever ONCE swinging a hammer or falling off a ladder on the verge of heat stroke😂, driving on blacktop, never even one SINGLE shovelful of asphalt when it’s 102 degrees. Need some Underwater welding done because a storm damaged the rig? High voltage powerlines down? Mine collapse? Freeway collapse? Now tell me about “cleaning up the mess” and “living with the consequences”.
@@danjohnson191
Preach brother. They don't wanna hear it though.
@@danjohnson191 Am sure plenty of women would do these jobs. However employers probably prefer men because they are *usually* physically stronger. And women aren't conditioned to do these jobs. Until I met my partner, I didn't even know it would have been possible for me to work with physical things and engineering. Despite my love for tech early on. No one talked to me about that. My family is very traditional. Blaming women is a bit evil cause we are all in a strange situation.
As a divorced man, I needed to hear this word for word. This made so many light bulbs click in my head. This makes so much sense, that at the same time, I don't feel like I can share this with anyone. This simple session could help so many people in their relationships if they're willing to put the work into one that they're compatible with. That's why I can't share this video since compatible relationships are not so easy to come by. The chances are, if this video triggered you in a negative way, your relationship with your significant other is not compatible and the fear of ending it is taking over. Thank you Teal Swan, for another great video. Your the best
🦢
Wow. Wow. Wow. I'm in my late 60's and am looking back at all of my relationships and marriage with men I thought were good for me because they were so non-reactive. I just became anxious and controlling and they became a child and I their mother. All of a sudden things are falling into place. I did have one relationship with a responsible man and it was so relaxing for me. I think my other relationships have just plain been a mismatch for me. I need a responsible man. Thank you for this video.
If you can elaborate when you say they were nonreactive, was that the main issue? Does that mean they weren't reactive to you when you were reactive or they weren't reactive to life in general?
@@yonah9983 If you're talking about my husband it would look like: when there was a roof leak in the middle of the night I had to get out of bed and deal with it. Someone trying to break into the house, same thing. Any problem that came up I had to deal with it and he would disappear to the office or sit on the sofa and watch ball games and pretend there wasn't a problem. Our dog had a medical emergency and instead of rushing her to the vet, he shoved her through the doggie door so I would notice and take her.
You were throwing tantrums. You cause this. And your mother caused you.
@@yonah9983I would say it means they haven't been able to grasp the whole concept of accountable and responsibility.
@@yonah9983 carefree irresponsible children, as opposed to a manly protector who actually makes it possible for a woman to relax. Women are highly attuned to threats due to being childbearers so anything that helps gain the sense of security is great. A lot of men just add to the sense of insecurity, instability, threat or fear.
My ex didn’t protect, provide, plan, or take any responsibility for anything. I am so much more relaxed and happy not being responsible for a grown man.
Grown boy/male. That’s what you were dating. Not a man. You picked wrong. Sorry
@@ChubbsterOfficial I don’t know why you’re attacking this person. You don’t know exactly what happened, and you’re not acting like a man either.
@@Ane127 I didn’t attract. I just stated something. A lot of times, women/females think they are dating a “man” which they were. They were dating a boy/male disguised as a man. Which is why these issue come up with immaturity and so forth. A lot of “real” men won’t put their partner thru the trama because it will look bad on him and the fear of punishment from the most high will also not allow him to go down that path.
If you want to expand more, I definitely have time this morning. :)
Blessings 🙏🏾
@@Ane127 sometimes we have to grow up and see what part did we have in the situation and did we overlook any red flags? A lot of times we want to be with somebody so bad we overlook red flags, which intern will hurt us in the future. Once we start taking accountability and “not playing the victim” (lack of better terms). I believe we can grow to our highest potential
@@ChubbsterOfficial You said that you didn’t attack. You told her she picked wrong. You don’t know what happened. You’re making a lot of assumptions.
I absolutely love the seriousness with which you address this, Teal. Because for me, a daughter of a controlling, uptight, almost always very fearful mother it is a serious matter. I am not blaming her though. She has cptsd (childhood trauma), so I have sympathy. But one can have sympathy and at the same time see the serious consequences on oneself from a parent's behaviour.
This woman's understanding of the human condition is beyond belief - never ceases to blow my mind.
“You’ve become an ally rather than a liability to her safety” this got me! You are so spot on in each video I have (binge) watched! Brava!
I wonder how many relationships and marriages could have been saved or avoided if people had access to this video.
Or even parents.... Imagine if the issue could be fixed at its roots?
They have access
They couldn't, because a video after the fact isn't real time feedback about behavior that was happening in the moment.
@@Undercovershrinkhere They meant in the past...
They probably wouldn't have been saved because these people are deeply incompatible. A care free man would not want to become a responsible man, so he needs a care free woman. And a care free woman would neve be happy with a responsible man because she would see him as controlling. You just need to find your person and not try to change someone who doesn't want to be changed.
I would love if Teal could talk more about the flip polarity in men and woman. Like when men are more interested in taking from woman than protecting and providing for her - and then getting her energy from that. More fairly. 🙏
@@carlyofearth thank you for your response 🙏
Drizzle drizzle
This
I wonder what she thinks about a working mum and stay at home dad, which is the dynamic in my relationship.
I think that’s a parasite not a man
I was married to a uptight and controlling woman. It was extremely hard to be useful in her eyes. I knew where her trauma stemmed from but she never let me in to help her.
I just imagine you are a douche
It's tough man cause even if you're not laid back. Even if you do the right things. It's never enough. And the next day would be filled with issues. I have sympathy for both of u.
Next time, instead of suggesting to help. Actively step in and do without asking. This will show her subconscious she does not need to ask which is still being in control
In the same boat. Tried these solutions as well. Her control won out over my prevention, problem solving, ownership and responsibility. Not sure what else to do.
@@TonySimonetti In what way did her control "win over"? Did you address the same issues she was concerned about?
I heard the word relax so many times. So much weight was lifted off my shoulders that Teal was my voice that is never heard on the internet. So many women are exactly like this because we feel alone. Thank you for this, because what I really want is to be able to relax.
Teal speaks the truth. A relationship means both people SHARE responsibility- for safety (physical and mental), for planning, for attunement within the relationship. When it breaks down is often when kids come into the picture. Yes sometimes both parents are equally involved, but too often, women (generally) are more involved in childcare for example- and that requires being responsible for a vulnerable child. When one parent’s answer is always - “it’ll be fine/relax”, but no effort is made to share that responsibility equally - where does that responsibility go? Back on the person who understands what is required. It’s a mental load that so many women must accept because there is no one else there to meet her even halfway. Then that “carefree” partner becomes an unreliable other stressor that needs to be managed by the one who is concerned for the core safety/security/preplanning needs for her AND now her child. Mama bears are not going to accept lax, slapdash care of their child. Men need to understand this massive mental load and REALLY take responsibility of their fair share and do their best to build trust in this regard. THEN women can relax!!
It seems as though I keep finding men who want containment from me.
I have already done that.
It didn't feel right.
I felt like I was parenting my partner and we were not equals.
Still seeking... this universe is so big, I won't give up
Yesssssss wow
I feel so understood and seen hearing those words... Love you and your work, Teal. You are an anchor in this world. Thank you so much...
God bless her soul 🙏 her videos are Gold. There is so much confusion with masculine and feminine shifts that relationships are suffering. She is a true gift to humanity
FINALLY SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS IT! Thank you, Ma'am.
I wish more people understood male/female dynamics
Check out Princella Clark for deep insights on male female dynamics.
Wow. I’ve never in my life felt so understood than while watching this video. This is why I’m single - I can count on me. Literally had goosebumps & wept. Beautifully done. I wonder how many of the men who’d asked you about this subject clicked out of the video once they realized what’s needed from them. If they understood it at all. Thank you for creating this much needed content ❤
I love those moments of feeling so understood. It's beautiful that this video had such an impact on you! That happened to me with Teal's video "The Most Dangerous Parallel Reality." One of my favorites, made me finally feel seen by someone, in some of my darkest times.
First example, most men would be well aware of the practical matter concerning the dog. Plain common sense. Couldn't listen after that.
@@utualan not true. I’ve had almost this precise experience. Ex husband didn’t follow the rules of the dogs training - thought he knew better. Dog dove under fence & attacked neighbors dog. We snuck my dog to a rescue so it wasn’t put down. All bc ex wasn’t responsible enough to think of the consequences & get ahead of it. Precisely what Teal said. Who had to solve the issue to save the dog? You got it - me.
There's a two way understanding to this one. man is carefree because the care function got broken. Care function got broken because he learned that caring equals pain and suffering. There has to be something worth caring about first. So, it's like chicken and egg. What is required of a man has to be met equally with what is required of a woman - there has to be an experience of sweetness and grace, etc. to be worth the effort of facing the pain of caring. If the woman responds by becoming like a man, any man will be repulsed. So he stops caring. And let it all fall to ruin. If the woman responds by becoming more feminine, well, at least you know if you have a real man or not.
Yeah, it takes the big effort and full awareness of both people, easing into it, bit by bit, little more trust, little more understanding, more care means more feminine means more reward for caring means more caring... and then the habits snap back, and then start over, and give a little, get a little, give a little, get a little.... oh, messed up again. Communicate, communicate, understand, try again...
You know quite well that if the most responsible and containing protective man showed up, it would only be 5 minutes before you get triggered by some past memory and make him suffer for caring about you. It takes two...
"If they understood at all." That's offensive. Some of us guys actually do care. I've seen firsthand a dysfunctional father, of a friend of mine from back in the day. He didn't give a damn about anything, so his wife (my friends' mom) was very controlling. He was a jersey to her, my friend, me, my father as well, etc. As a young, angsty teenager, it was immensely stressful dealing with a person who wasn't my mom trying to control me as well, only to vascilate between being uptight and jumping up and down like a schoolgirl. That being said, then theres my parents. My dad shuts down and doesn't communicate well; I see the fricion that causes when he makes decisions without her. But I also see when he tries to talk it out and my mom acts like his decision isn't good enough and reverts into the mother-wife dysfunction all over again. It's a stressful topic , but I do really appreciate Teals' videos as a dude. Like in the videos' scenario, the guy definitely didn't responsibility make a good decision regarding the dog. And as a guy, making sure the emergency phone works would be my first thought actually.
You are a true healer - because sometimes all that needs to happen to start healing is self awareness
My experience is the opposite. I'm a former boy scout, rescue firefighter, and military medic, among other things. I'm acutely aware of real dangers. She ignores those dangers and worries about worst-case scenarios that don't exist. She constantly criticizes my efforts to provide and protect. She has past trauma with another man. I can't fix that. I do my job. Making mountains out of petty problems is a choice. This whole blame the man for your own issues is ridiculous. If she wants to be uptight and controlling she will. She will end up with no man.
@crfogal67 Wow. Insightful comment. I was called controlling, but he would never showed that he cared about anything that I was worried about, but then he would scream at me and say, " I'M THE ALPHA!" He actually said that to me. However, he did not provide or protect. I had to do the providing and protecting.
I am alone now and healing. It's nice to know that it goes both ways.
Good luck!
@@notesofnara very true.
Just because you feel you are safe, doesnt mean she feels safe with you. Its about a deeper emotional attunement. You are enough, but she needs something else. Mismatches happen all the time. And its easier to get triggered and angry, than to face the sadness and grief what didnt work out. Your pain is valid. Try move beyond the anger and blame, to inner peace and acceptance. Grief the mismatch. It happens. It sucks, but it doesnt sound like it was compatable. Just remind yourself you are enough
I think making big problems out of small is something else. Controlling usually includes detailed planning to avoid any problems all together. Maybe try asking her how she would like this or that in a perfect world? It might help you understand what she is missing, without sometimes maybe even realizing it herself 😊 Good luck!
As a reasonably responsible man married to a controlling wife I can see that it has been my failure to make her feel safe that leads to her anxiety and control. However, I have already taken the majority of the responsibility to provide, and I contribute 50% to domestic and childcare. Often the level of planning detail required for a holiday ruins the experience for me. I do think women need to take some responsibility for their anxiety, especially when so much of it appears to be driven by social media.
I think when it’s childhood based, sometimes that needs therapy. Containment in the now doesn’t necessarily resolve it.
Also some women are narcissists. So it’s important to analyse if it’s childhood trauma, narcissism / entitlement or unmet present needs. Three different things imo with different approaches needed. Sounds like you are meeting present needs.. or just need to tweak the present need thing slightly.
Maybe asking what could help, or quietly observing what's the leftover area of tension could ease this up for both of you 🙏 best wishes
@@DivineLightPaladinYeah, I agree with divine light. It's best to just directly communicate. You might think you contribute 50% to chores and childcare but does she think that too? Maybe there's just a misunderstanding of what you are both doing.
Also note everyone has different staminas, especially depending on age. Asking is a good start 🙂
From what I’ve read and seen, men tend to overestimate how much of the work they actually take on… I had to sit my husband down and make a literal list of chores then we divided them before he realized how much more I was doing… he legitimately thought he was doing 50%… after the list was made, he was doing about 20%…. And I was doing all of the mental load. Phone calls, teacher communication, sports organization, sports driving, friend play dates…. He had done none. So are you entirely sure you may not be partially blind to your level of responsibility taken on? My husband after that stuck to his allotted chores and we both knew it was truly equal and no resentment was being held.
@@annastone5624🎯🎯🎯🎯This is the one thing this Woman did not touch on… Childhood trauma and the need for therapy, especially before getting into a relationship
Thanks for this! I noticed these traits and behaviors in roommates too, the gender almost doesn't matter at that point. The controlling person doesn't wanna lose everything that keeps the situation stable, and the carefree person doesn't want an uptight strict life at home. I have been in both roles. I think you nailed this one, Miss Swan...
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!! This information brought me so much comfort. Teal, you are a gift to the world and I'm so grateful to you for the work you do. I know it comes at a great personal cost. 💖
I feel I am the man in my life. I am hyper vigilant when it comes to planning. I can see the negative consequences of poor planning and seek to avoid them at every turn. I can only relax with a man who is smarter than I am. One who can see further than I can and anticipate beyond what I see. Its the only way I can trust him to plan anything for me.
Unfortunately, my comment might add to your anxiety, but I feel that it needs to be said. You also can’t completely trust someone who is smarter, can see further, etc. because people can be wrong sometimes. Maybe you already know this.
The reality is setting expectation you have for yourself and projecting it outward onto others as a need is going to find you longing for something that only brings you back to yourself. You'll see anyone who doesnt meet your needs as a negative, but its because you dont realize what you are asking for is already latently within you. You are asking for yourself. Not your qualities in another. You want who you are already but are afraid of being alone as a consequence.
@@carlyofearth I think it's important to remember that very smart people, generally don't want close relationships with people "beneath them" I watched a video on that recently. It's just too taxing to have this crazy asymmetry in cognitive ability. To me it's a huge turn off to be explaining things constantly, I feel like we can't vibe, and the interactions become tedious and boring, and eventually painful.
@@jackworthington5205 Too many daft and vapid people out there.
I swear Teal has bigger balls than I do to give voice to such unpopular truths
Simp
@@MrRymank1979im a simp too
the biggest invisaballs youll ever not see 🤣
@@MrRymank1979not simp
But being male in a female controlled house and lack of strong masculine role in my life makes me watching this video
So validating and affirming to hear this 13 years post divorce of why I was so uptight then. I had innate instinct and intuition that the relationship dynamic felt so “off” and intolerable after decades of tolerance. You illustrated it perfectly here. Valuable information for anybody to have uncomfortable conversations and take powerful action to liberate and empower themselves
One thing about Teal - she always gets the conversation going about the right topics.
But comes to absolutely the wrong conclusions, and states them as if she somehow knows better than everyone else, when she really doesn't.
@@bradleyfrank7933 if you feel this strongly, please create content to educate us all. You must have all the answers.
I felt every ounce of this video in my being. I pray all people who see it, help others who are experiencing what’s described in this video.
I agree with Teal, mostly. If as a woman you're asking yourself now: "wtf am I left do, if men are the ones that need to step up ? Where is my power in this situation ?" The answer is simple: focus on your part which is, be SELECTIVE and take ownership of your own needs. Until you find a man that is that kind of a provider, stay single. Meet your relationship needs in other creative ways until then.
I wish Teal would acknowledge the law of mirroring in this case. We controlling women and that includes Teal from my observations, are this way wayyy before we get with a laid back (below bare minimum, low effort) "man".
We had shitty/absent/npc "fathers" that made us not even aware of what to look for in a real man. I have dated such trash simply bc that is what was modeled to me. I also behaved like trash bc again, that is what was modeled to me.
Our responsibility as women is to become self-reliant enough so that we can then choose from our best interest and NOT from desperation. It's a viscious cycle that can be difficult to break. I keep reverting to her video on codependency vs. Independence vs. Interdependence. Interdependence aka healthy relationship dynamics is the goal but we can't skip that necessary self-reliance step in between.
Become your own man (by finding creative ways to meet your needs outside of a romantic partnership) and treat yourself with the utmost respect. Then and only then will you be able to fully recognize and reject those bbmle "men". Red flags will never be invisible again bc you can compare the treatment of that potential partner to your own self-loving treatment.
If this resonates check out the following resources that helped me on my journey so far besides Teals content:
The channel "manifestelle" here on TH-cam. Her videos enlightened me further than I got than from seeing Teal as the exclusive go-to for my problems.
Research "rotational dating", I promise you'll be so happy you did, I sure was.
I wish you the all the best, lady.💃💗
Now imma go and practice what I preached 😅❤️🔥
Most hinged comment.
One caveat, controlling women have to be willing to be vulnerable, and not be in control. We have to go against our programming. That takes a willingness to trust and the courage to be in a relationship that does not feel familiar. (co-dependence)
. Red flags will never be invisible again bc you can compare the treatment of that potential partner …to your own self-loving treatment.💖💖💖💖💖
This is so true. For years I’ve read books in codependency and tried to fix myself, now I think that was never the core problem. What a terrible waste of my time!!
Since I have started investing in self care and living a better lifestyle for myself.. I’m experiencing what you refer to.
I meet guys I would have been smitten with in the past and I just feel turned off by their messy lives. No thanks.. my peace is too precious. 😇
“npc father”… that was good.
once you let someone control money.. you also let them control:
- will you get medical treatments when you need them. The so called provider can just tell you nope lol deal with it yourself!
- who will feed you can also starve you
- the relationship how long it last it purely depend on will your partner, provider find you attractive and useful
so yes will have own money
This exactly what happened in my marriage. Word for word. There were endless ways he dropped the ball and refused to take responsibility. I finally had to end it because i absolutely hated having to be the masculine while wishing i could be the feminine. I have finally felt heard and im crying 😭 💓💓 thank you Teal
So happy you actually listed things we need to assess for in men, to get our feminine needs met. Thank you for being so spesific! ❤ Video Request: I haven't seen that you have really gone in depth/super pragmatic about what it actually entails practically for a man to provide containment/providersship etc and other needs met for a woman to genuinely be in her feminine energy. Like teaching us what that looks like on a day to day basis. And the agreements or set up for it to work in the real world.
I really appreciate everything you teach that is as super pragmatic and implementable / assessable when choosing a partner.
Hope you will do more really in depth videos about how that healthy masculine and feminine dynamic can look exemplified. Even just the economic part of providership since it is a whole new territory for so many women waking up to that we don't want to be seen or treated like men.
Also especially since a lot of Western/European/ even worse Scandinavian culture; I have no contexts for how polarity relationships can look.
So I'm basically learning now about it in the last 2 years from TH-cam coaches and mentors. Thank you in advance! Love you always! ❤🎉
I wonder if going over our imaginal drives with partners would be the practical implementation?
General language is universal enough to start attuning but to ground we would require particular details...
Although it feels lame and even shows out imaginal to be a bit of an "act" Im sure that our point of points is imaginal. I eat so I can live so I can express or enjoy expression (aesthetics):
"If you wish to build a ship, do not divide the men into teams and send them to the forest to cut wood. Instead, teach them to long for the vast and endless sea."
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Imagine if partners can teach each other their longings!... It might feel lame or awkward but I think also it's worth setting an ideal track and then sharing the ride "as it happens." It would be a continuous improvement model I'm sure 😂
Thank you! About time someone debunks the misapprehension of ‘controlling’ attitude.
Hey I'm an uptight and controlling woman, never realized I could blame men for this as well! Thanks Teal!
what the heck...
this is the best comment on this video... and epitomizes the problem in a lot of dynamics - just blame your past baggage on your current man...
Hahah...that's as old as time. Eve's forbidden fruit episode is referred to as " Adam's Sin"
lol. i hear you. must be wary of projection, but sometime both truths are 50% of THE truth and each partner must take accountability in the dynamic
😂😂😂
Learning how to talk to your person in their and your ways are the key to overcoming obstacles.
Thank god - Teal to the rescue! Yeeeessss….! I long for a masculine man to take leadership and protect 👏
I don't see them
@@tinalove7860 I know the feeling. But lately I’ve also had to admit to myself that I myself probably am really scared off when I do. I want it. But it’s also hard to get into my receptive femininity when there’s an opportunity. So I can understand it might also be difficult for men to tap into their masculinity all the way. But I don’t know. 🤷♀️
@@Isabella-ky6uu Men are in a really bad spot, masculine energy comes from testosterone and you know how testo levels are nowadays.
@@swedishpagan2150 so basically we are all fkd
@@ksy4747not a bug but a feature.
I see this dynamic in my parents where my mom is the "carefree" one. She likes to do things on her time and she feels like my Dad is controlling. However, it's not that he wants to be. She's just so darn irresponsible that things are so inconsistent if my Dad doesn't constantly give her feedback.
I've tried to talk to her about it but she feels because she sometimes does what she says that should be enough. It's so unfair to my Dad to do the invisible labor of managing his life AND her life. It really benefits her but not him.
The "carefree" partner doesn't realize that they are being unfair to their partner. The "controlling" partner looks like the issue which makes the "carefree" person feel absolved from responsibility, which is exactly what they want.
This is a thought provoking topic…. I know of people in this type of relationship…. The woman is controlling/uptight, always directing the man what to do, while the man is laid back and made to think he’s incapable of making a decisions for himself. The dynamic is vicious where the woman feels the man NEEDS her to be that way in order for things to go right and then blames the man for messing up and that he didn’t listen to her. The answer is women need to be able to fulfill their own needs and a relationship w/someone enhances her life and the life they lead together. It’s not that a woman doesn’t need a man to be happy but we are responsible for our own happiness.
Reminds me of the movie Mrs Doubtfire
Like she says, it’s a trauma response. Ironically the “laid back man” is actually a trauma response from a controlling mother too. He’s subconsciously wanting to be mothered, and it truly is him that can wake up and change the dynamic into healing them both when he leads. Should look up Ehsun Anwar videos on the mother wound in a man. He’s a genius like she is
One cannot fulfill their own need for genuine human connection.
Womp womp I think she's actually saying that those needs don't actually go away and you can't just put a "well I guess I just need to be hyper individualistic and only responsible for myself" overlay over everything which always inevitably ends in the woman being responsible for not only herself but for others too because of woman's cosmic role in creating and sustaining all of life in this realm and others. What she needs is collaboration and for the aggregate consciousness to shift around her to become more altruistic and hospitable. Having a responsible man in the relationship dynamic helps steer us in that direction. Think of the terms microcosm and macrocosm. What is happening in her small private affairs may seem insignificant but in actuality the woman is creating the society through her offspring. Yet social conditioning has done such a number on us that we've forgotten that the mother is crucial to our survival and so we've become so unattuned to her.
@@theindianoceanangel All I’m saying is I’m not responsible for someone else’s happiness and happiness can be fulfilled within relationships. Having a strong sense of self is a foundation. The only way to shift what we see around us is being able to understand and feel what is going on within. Who we choose to be around us ENHANCES our lives.
Great video Teal, its time for women to stop gas-lighting themselves and honor what they need in a relationship.
This video is extremely accurate I talk from lived experience with an ex bf like this and it made me into a controlling mess when I’m actually usually not controlling at all!! Never again!
...And that is why being in a relationship with a woman that doesn't 'work' on herself is like being with a 5 year old child. In my experience, anticipating her fears and try to make her feel 'contained' could drive me totally CRAZY. I think it would turn a man into a woman himself, constantly worrying about could go wrong the very next minute. A carefree attitude and minimizing her fears does not work either, many of us have experienced this. Just stop expecting that somebody else should eliminate every single danger and discomfort of life. Yes, life is dangerous. And yes, things can go not as planned even if your man has taken care of everything in a very responsible way. First of all take care of yourself like an adult and stop, jeez... Work on yourself
P.S. this controlling attitude is also typical of women that are blind to the spiritual nature of Life. If she had some sort of awakening experience she will somehow know that nothing happens outside of god's will. Sometimes older women get this, One way or another.... But... They are old and can't do much anymore. So, don't wait.
I totally agree with you, except for the part when you say it would turn a man into a woman... What kind of BS is that?? You think no man ever suffers form anxiety, fear and controlling behaviours?!
Nonetheless, man or woman, every adult is responsible for healing their own traumas. One can't, and shouldn't expect others to cater to them and think ahead of what crazy worry they'll fantasy about in the next minute. Especially when "others" are children.
Exactly! Teal is beautiful, a wonder of nature. But she thinks like a child. It's only her shocking beauty and self-confidence on that beauty what makes everything she says seem reasonable.
@@kifi672 Of course a man may suffer from anxiety or fear! But that anxiety or fear doesn't focus on the same issues as a woman's anxiety or fear. Controlling behaviors are another topic: A man who has controlling behaviors because of fear is actually behaving like a woman, which is repulsive for women. His woman will therefore reject him.
To the opposite that would make him more masculine. It's nothing neurotic about a man that plans and makes things run smooth. That's very masculine, stable and hot. Highly trained agents and military are not ''turned into women'' - they are just soberly aware of where potential threats are in a specific moment, planning and preventing. That is masculine energy. ''Going with the flow-men'' are in the feminine pole. Like butterflies. That is more like being a 5year old I'd say. 5 year olds can not think ahead. They wouldn't make plans for the dog, check the equipment or buy food - a 5yearold would just go. They are not very aware of potential problems. They don't plan much. They are very care free. (It makes sense some women would go into the masculine pole around a man like that to compensate).
So... anticipating needs are Masculine traits. Like a driver in a car is in masculine energy: Looking out for dangers on the road, making sure the breaks works etc, keeping track on when to slow down and when to speed up etc etc. Whilst the person in the passenger seat looking out the window carefree enjoying the sun is in feminine energy. No matter what gender they are.
A woman who would have worked on her self would just softly flow away from a care free/ responsibility free man like that. No judgements, control or harshness. She just would not be interested in him. She would know her needs and her worth and know that there's nothing wrong with her for being sensitive and enjoying a man who is connected and aware of his surroundings, able to plan and look ahead. That naturally is connected to his own, his woman's, his family's, and the collectives needs and higher good.
This is the truth!
Every word she said resonated and spoke about my relationship.
As a physically disabled man, I recognize the truth in her words, but it feels like a tall and almost impossible and very daunting order for myself. I am very careful and responsible for my own needs. Providing a sense of containment and safety For a woman in the past has been a huge difficulty.
Thats interesting. May I ask how is the disability making it hard for you to put some pressure off of your partner?
I have a dear friend who is paraplegic, and very emotionally mature. Everyone brings crying women to him! He sits them on his knee and puts his big arms around them, he matches his squeeze to the intensity of their crying, and keeps his mouth shut! As the crying ebbs he relaxes his grip.
It feels amazing to receive his absolute nonjudgmental containment, and it allows the emotion to move, release and dissipate. It is such a gift. I wish more men were as capable at this as he is.
@@AnnaGrace603 I’ve got ulcerative colitis. Stress can cause me to have intense flare ups. I’ve had to leave jobs and postpone career advancement to wait for my health to improve. Exercise can be very demanding but I stay trim. Eating enough to gain real muscle is difficult. I was once so nervous to impress a woman that I immediately had a flare up, by the time I cleaned myself up enough to get naked in front of someone she had lost interest and fell asleep. So those are some examples of how a chronic illness can make certain “masculine” duties difficult
@@matthewhanson498 I am the provider in my relationship. I don't see my partner as any less masculine. I actually love his gentleness and sensitivity. I like teal but gender roles are so constraining. Not every guy is a picture of 'masculine energy' not every woman even wants to be contained.
I attempted to take in this information in the form of controlling people.
I came in with the intention to learn, but left with the realization that I'm no longer interested in other people's reasons for their reactions.
Thank you kindly for helping me to see where I am presently.
I definitely agree with a man creating a safe space for a woman to be herself, but what must also be spoken out loud is that she needs to take responsibility for getting the professional help she needs to (effectively!) deal with the monsters from her past that are still in her head.
@@carlyofearth As an insecure man without confidence I cant even get into a relationship until I heal my insecurities.
@@gregorkerka1235 Very wise of you, and best of luck on your journey brother!
@@carlyofearth Believe me, I wish I could slay a woman's demons but therapy at that level that is a long, complicated and messy process (same for men too.. I can attest) and I am not qualified to do that. Some things are best left to the professionals.
@@carlyofearthnope. Each partner need to take responsibility for their healing. Not put it on the relationship.. aka the other person.
@deanm.3881 I believe what you say is true. I’ve been in therapy several years now and it’s pretty amazing and shocking at the same time. There’s no way any average man could have navigated this. I had so may layers of gaslighting my true self didn’t have a voice to communicate with. It’s difficult it’s expensive but in my opinion it’s very effective and being in a relationship requires a certain level of healing as a foundation.
Hello Teal. I love your strength, knowledge, femininity, presence, vulnerability, leadership and sharing. The world will only be devine with you being among the high vibrational beings in it, which is why i am here. I wish to be a voice championing you forward against the tides. Thank you for your life.
I think that we need to acknowledge how rare it is to find a man who is willing to provide all of these things of his own volition and with a promise of romantic exclusivity. It is certainly not high. With that said, I still mostly agree that these "controlling" women basically need a new father. The "carefree" men do too as well honestly.
They need actual adults, not arrested development 50 year old teenagers.
We don't need a "father" wtf and ewww. We need men that can act like an adult and be responsible.
I call my man daddy sometimes
He's that good of a man !!!
My dad was a badass too mind you
@@redemptionhappens7725 ...which, in some way, IS a father. At least, what a real loving father would be. Think about that. Controlling women lack the father figure, probably because sometimes HE was the problem in the family, making them feeling afraid, abused, insicure. So now they (the controlling women) are acting as being the father of themselves, thus suppressing some feminine trait in them. And, in a way, they succeded, meaning that this is a coping mechanism they learned during their life in order to "guide" themselves, and they managed to do it. They had to become tough, in order to survive the dangers around them. In order to let go, they should find some real strong and loving man who could help them in their journey to be more carefree, cause he can be the tough protecting guy for them, for once.
Where is the line between taking responsibility for the relationship as the man, and being parentified? Im genuinely asking, I cant find the line so far. I dont want to be the parent in any relationship unless its with my actual child.
After following Teal for more than 4 years I must say, repeatedly, that she is the most wise person and teacher I have seen or met. I am in awe. ❤
Actually the best video I’ve ever watched. Thank you
I share the same opinion.
thank you so much fuch for clarifying this!
The solution is to get away from controlling uptight women. You have no responsibility to take care of and/or enable a mentally unstable woman, which is what they are. Let them be alone and work on themselves until they CAN MEET THEIR OWN NEEDS and are fit for a healthy human relationship.
I wish Teal read this comment.
You are amazing. One of the rare few content creators that *really* get it, on so many levels. You're the most intelligent woman I've seen.
I love her.
Isnt this just another way of saying "your the guy, so you better make sure everything goes right because that's your job. If she doesnt like it... its your fault."
A man who is a great leader won't tolerate a toxic woman. A man who is a great leader will prove to a good woman he's worthy of following. If there's drama, yes something the man is doing is causing it. Because unworthy women don't last and worthy women feel they can finally relax.
Yeah. it must feel good to always have a way to blame men for your faults. No accountability for anything. If a man blamed his controlling or any other sort of abuse on his gf/wife that would never fly.
@beatnik6806 95% of women aren't worthy. So it is likely the woman's fault if a man isn't toxic. Either that or two healthy people just aren't compatible. Who cares about fault though... take your lessons and don't give AF if they do, keep your eyes on your own path and take what you want from this world.
Exactly lol
@beatnik6806 it's actually true for women too. I'm a great catch... I caused problems over and over again by tolerating toxic men. I've finished that phase of my life. And now if I choose a great man and there's problems in be analyzing myself and what I can do to fix the problem. If he's the problem and doesn't grow, he's gotta go. I think growth minded people can only really comprehend the blaming yourself for problems paradigm... it's not really about fault, it's about control. I don't care much what my partner does to cause problems until I've fixed all I can in myself, once it's in their territory my only choose is to communicate and hope, then leave if nothing changes. I don't like the way things go when it's not my fault. I know i can fix anything, I can only hope my partner can fix anything.
Teal, thank you for this video. I cried and felt seen and understood in a way I never have. xx
11:42 Alternatively, if that all sounds exhausting, steer clear of uptight and controlling women, and conversely, steer clear of carefree men who are more spontaneous and impulsive. Find a woman who either has healed from said traumas or dissolved those intense fears (or preferably never had them to such an extreme level). They should also have needs that are easy for you to meet without much effort. And for controlling women, find a partner who naturally enters relationships in a way that will help in this reparenting process. In short, vet for better and more compatible partners from the start.
exactly! finding a women who can keep the cuckoo in the clock, along with our current govmints' nanny ideology; ei: replacing fathers in the home is a bad deal for men.
Amen!
Thankyou for this. I fucked up massively today by not being attuned to my partner. This awareness was deeply helpful in helping me grow as a person. Bless you Teal Swan.
In all honesty what I feel you are describing here is a male that’s not an adult yet. It’s not laid back to put a dog in the yard to dig holes. Nor is it the case to go into an environment many never come back from without ensuring everyone is aware of the safety precautions being taken. My father was a very laid back man… but he wasn’t careless and irresponsible.
Interesting point! How to distinguish being laid back with being irresponsible? What was your farther like? I hope it’s ok to ask, just going through my own relationship over here…
Probably the answer to your question requires a different question. how does one distinguish controlling vs responsible and how does “laid back” find space within the definition? Laid back implies not controlling. Control is born out of fear. Responsibility is born out of maturity/spiritual evolution and enhanced by practicality. There is a responsibility when involving other beings. You don’t expect a dog to not be a dog. It’s not practical. Dad was a dog man. He learnt how to manage them with respect. A dog needs an appropriate house of it’s own with a chain or cage so that when you cannot give it the appropriate amount of attention that it doesn’t destroy stuff or get out and hit by a car. Dogs also require dedication. They deserve attention. 2 walks a day. Training, good food etc. not to be discarded carelessly into a scenario that’s undesirable for all involved because one can’t be asked.
To this day the “hand bag dog” culture with numpties who know nothing about dogs getting a dog as an accessory - 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ dumb. Worse they get working dog breeds and keep them in apartments. Responsibility is acknowledging that the dog is a being and it deserves care in the selection process let alone the rest. It’s not a toy.
As far as going into nature - nature is dangerous. I live in New Zealand people die here all the time… in nature. It’s a pretty well known fact with anyone who ventures into nature a lack of knowledge is problematic. More importantly anxiety and fear can make a situation exponentially worse.
Then of course there is another element, acknowledging who your partner is and employing some compassion in the process of how you manage your interactions. At what point do we acknowledge for example an anxious attachment style may need to know that you are coming back. They may need a simple check in point so they can manage the anxiety of absence. I believe people change - it’s my job. But in my experience they don’t do it fast and nor do they do it according to another’s schedule or requirements.
We need to start acknowledging that everyone lives in their very own unique view of the world. No one is playing with exactly the same deck. No one is wrong. But as we seek to interact we can develop tools. When “laid back” creates damage by dismissing how the other feels this is a break down in relating.
I am not saying one’s emotions and reactions are the responsibility of the other. But I am saying if I want to relate to the other I need to consider their limitations and find a way to improve the relational process and conversation with compassion for both of us.
@@zenwarrior1984 very well-said, thank you so much for your reply! 😊
Also: I grew up with a "carefree" mom and an emotionally unavailable dad, who hardly said anything. No wonder I grew up to be hyper alert and anxious all the time 😵💫
How to tell if it's the man not taking ownership or the woman with a "never good enough" pattern?
That part from 8:50 - 9:14 (!!) Holy crap. But also this whole thing, while painful to listen to, is also so relevant and of great benefit. 🙏🏼
My ex partner could be categorized as “controlling” although I don’t like to use the word because she is also an extraordinary woman. As Teal points out, I had to be “on top of my game” for responsibilities and I recognize that I could have done more. What really bothered me though was when I actually took initiative and then things needed to be changed because the plans weren’t exactly how she wanted them to be. I felt like I couldn’t live up to her expectations.
She conveniently left out the part of this where most men find this type of dynamic to be too much trouble. On top of that, if he shows even one sign of weakness, she is typically gone. The guy doesn't have any room to be anything other than macho man. This is the result of BPD, Fearful-Avoidance, and a father wound. If she is not ready to heal, then it won't matter how much containment the man provides, and if he keeps sticking around through her BS, she loses respect for him anyway. Make sure she is open to therapy if you see that it is required, and then proceed.
You were never going to live up to her expectations. Her game was to keep you doing things for her forever. You were putting out fires that she started so that you were too busy putting them out, and never thought about leaving her. It's not the work that you did that made her feel secure in the relationship, it is the continuous demonstration of intentions. Intentions that you will forever need to keep displaying. You would never stop working in that type of relationship. Nothing you do would make her feel secure.
we are condemned to subjectivity- but this is also the the source of our individuality…. No one can truly contain the other.
@@vettiePerhaps that's because she's not talking about "most men." This video is about the "carefree man" and "controlling woman" dynamic.
I wonder if it's because she lost trust in you. It might have been over by the time you tried to correct your behaviors.
I know for me I had a relationship with a "carefree" man and I felt so taken advantage of all the time. I tried to express that and he would promise to do something then wouldn't. That made me lose trust in him over time. This made me hyper vigilant/controlling and always on top of things or else I would suffer the consequences of his neglect.
By the time I was at a breaking point, he finally "tried" to be better. But by this point I completely resented him for not trying in the first place. For leaving me with all the responsibility which is what "carefree" men do.
In contrast I had another long-term relationship with a really dependable man. He did what he said he was going to do. When I brought up an issue he addressed it right away. He was able to talk to me if he had an issues in the relationship. I was much more relaxed, not controlling, and spontaneous in this relationship.
Teal Swan, long time follower while listening to your show the reality of the controlling women is most of the time not in any danger. The chaos shouldn’t happen the discernment of the man in this situation is ignore it because the “threat” doesn’t exist and in some cases only in her mind. This can drive everyone in that household into hell.
Thx
With controlling also comes narcissism or avoidant. Sometimes it’s better to move on…
Yeah, this video is crazy talk
Yeah i’m not really confident in her perspective on this topic. She was basically just like she has trust issues and then you make her trust issues worse. Nd sometimes you don’t even have to do anything wrong other than no respond exactly how you’re expected to respond to every outburst. Not much of a relationship.
Tolerating stupidity and vanity is pure torture.
Another way of dealing with this problem is to live by yourself. I have never been this relaxed in my life since living alone and do not want to be on my guard having a relationship with a woman.
I am a woman and feel the same way!
Remember any women who clams to be this way too is lying. They always copy men on what we say or do.😎
Teal youre right on time.. like always 🤍
If I am a "carefree" man, it is because I was programmed to be that way by the paragon of controlling, uptight women: my mom. Everything you said about how she got to be that way is correct, but the behavior that manifested because of her fears was often so insane that now in my 60's I just want to be left alone when it comes to relationships. I'm completely fatigued by manufactured drama.
Same here, but I still wish to go beyond that limitation. It feels so terribly narrow to be this way.
brother, if u are a man - u are not care free, judging from this trash wall of text.
u are addicted. to whatever u are addicted
For sure. Desiring a drama free life is also a need to be respected.
@@cartoonka Thanks for your input, but you don't have enough information to render an accurate judgment of anything about me.
It's pushing the accountability on the man. Don't fall for it. She would never give this same advice to a controlling man and a carefree woman.
Thank you for this critical info. Should be taught at all schools.
I love your videos ❤ I have a problem with this controlling issue it’s like the universe sent me this 😅 I appreciate that you explain every topic from the bottom that makes it understandable. thank you Teal there is so much we can learn from you❤
Coundn't agree more!!!! ....and so logical the way you picture it!! ❤ (like so many things 😉) THANK YOU
carefree guy and I’m not going to react to danger unless it’s actually there…. will not let stressed out people determine my emotional state.
I kind of feel like this take completely absolves women of taking any responsibility for their feelings in the context of a relationship…. it’s infantilizing to them and embarrassing imo
The definition of "carefree" is free of anxiety or responsibility. If you are a man who takes no responsibility and you are in a partnership then you put responsibility on your partner by default. Think of the movie Mrs Doubtfire, if you've seen it. That dynamic will stress any woman out.
If you feel like you take responsibility, keep your life in order, and are considerate of others then you're not "carefree."
@@vinityyyMaybe you or the culture in your office is unhealthy for her. I was in a male dominated field and a lot of the guys were disrespectful to me and the other women in my office. What's worse is that they completely were unaware and didn't realize they were doing it. They weren't "bad men" but they didn't make good colleagues for me.
Once I left that department for a different one, all my anxieties melted away. I felt respected by my colleagues and everyone was very reliable. I think that lady you work with should probably find another position that's better suited for her needs.
@@vinityyy It might not get any better if you are avoiding her rather than giving her feedback. If you don't feel comfortable directly confronting her you could ask her a question. "Hey, how are you feeling about work lately? I've noticed you seemed a little tense when xyz (example). Is there anything I can do to help?"
@@vinityyy So you are contradicting yourself a bit here. "I'm not planning to avoid her" but you mention in your previous post "I want to avoid her." That type of aversion does poke through in conversations.
It sounds like conflict is very uncomfortable for you but it's necessary if you want a good working environment. It's better to nip problems when they start and are small. Avoiding it only makes it worse.
In all relationships you have to give feedback because eventually everyone fs up. If you let things go you are telling someone you are okay with that behavior by not speaking up. I didn't mean you should be more empathetic to her, my point is that you should speak up for yourself and also ask her what she needs. That's what healthy colleagues do.
@@happygolucky9004 I think you're misinterpreting the definition.
Cambridge dictionary defines it as:
1. having no problems or not being worried about anything.
2. having no worries, problems, or anxieties; happy.
Merriam-Webster defines it as:
Free from care, such as:
1. having no worries or troubles.
2. irresponsible.
Even in the example you yourself give, it is "free of anxiety *or* responsibility". It doesn't have to be both for a person to be carefree. He calls himself carefree because he is not easily stressed or anxious. Not because he's irresponsible.
As a personality trait, carefree people don't worry unless the proverbial house is on fire. They can still be organized and prepared in regards to anticipating future problems. But they don't get anxious or stressed about things going wrong until they actually go wrong.
You summarised my life
A lot of woman here in OZ would rather be alone than to suffer in the arms of a laid back man telling us and I quote, "She'll be right mate."
They'd rather point the finger at men, rather than realize they have 4 pointing back at themselves.
@@bradleyfrank7933What I'm lost ... don't worry she'll be right..is usually code for I don't have a clue. Why would 4 fingers point back ?
@@Alivebutnot It's only because they are not aligned and too focused on other things. No offense Bradley. I was most certainly not directing this at all men.
On a second note, this county needs men like you who are not as laid back as we are in a war for our human rights and freedoms and need more guys like you. Do you listen to A1's Riccardo Bosi?
Thank you a lot for this one, seems like proper advice for taking care of someone with an FA attachment style
I understand. One question though:
In what part of this process does the woman take any smidge of responsibility about the situation?
As a man, I can control whether the woman *is* safe. I cannot control whether she _feels_ safe.
And, as a man, the thing that most aggravates us about controlling women is not that they *do not let us keep her safe by our own means*
Also, this video is heavily assuming that all men are "incompetent" like the man in the video (to clarify, he wasn't).
Women need to realize that *ever since the dawn of history men have made the world safer for them*
There has not been an instance in history where the world was more dangerous to women than before. And yet women feel the most "unsafe" they have ever felt.
We cannot be worrying about if the dog is annoying the neighbor when we have to worry abiout things like your actual physical safety. Providing for you, keeping you fed and providing shelter. And if we come back and the neighbor is angry, the man has to deal with it anyway, and no one got hurt. And the woman sees everything turned out fine and the guy has stuff under control.
Instead of what often happens, the woman panicking then not letting the man do the things because they are "incompetent" according to them.
You can safely assume that your safety is our responsibility, that's fine. But at what point does you _feeling fear_ stop being our "responsibility".
Think for a second. From all the things you can choose for us to do, that is literally the only one we cannot control.
This is not a good message for men, nor women for that matter.
Yes this is the first video of hers that I find completely ridiculous
The story of the dog is just dumb. Even if it wasn't the dog, accidents happen. Sometimes things go wrong. Sometimes people make mistakes.
Women will never find the perfect man. He doesn't exist. We all make mistakes.
It's the woman who has to relax and when things go wrong, let the man fix them. If not, she can fix them herself. Either way, it's simply her not trusting herself, her man, and life itself to work things out when they go wrong
Awful video. I think I understand what was trying to be communicated, but completely missed.
Women have no agency anymore apparently. Must be nice to renounce all responsibility for our own feelings
Completely ridiculous.
Blind spot to Teal is my guess as to how this video got made
I'm sure this is every woman's fantasy, but it's just that, a fantasy. No man or woman could live up to these expectations. Even if they could, why would they? Why put yourself through that and take responsibility for someone else's feelings, which you have absolutely no control over. Recipe for a divorce if you ask me
Once again, awful video.
Yikes 😬
How are you protecting anyone with that attitude? I already feel unsafe.
@@DivineLightPaladin You can protect people but you can't guarantee they feel safe all the time
Bad things will happen and the best we can do is develop the skill and ability to handle those things quickly and efficiently.
Trying to be responsible for someone else's emotions is guaranteed to fail. The best we can do is love the other and be our best selves. How the other receives that is completely out of our control. Only through discernment can you determine if you are being your best self. If you are, then you have done your best. If not, apologize and fix it next time
@@namaste758 Agree on that. Just make sure when to listen when someone gives feedback and says that's not best-self type behavior!
@@DivineLightPaladin Oh, you can feel however you want.
You are posting a comment from a digital device with internet. Likely in an urban area with thousands of men within walking distance. And you 100% haven't been assaulted nor accosted daily by ALL those men.
So chances are that you are completely safe.
Resistance is persistance. So _maybe_ think about it for a bit and accept that you _aren't_ unsafe even though you _force yourself to feel_ unsafe to cover up for whatever you aren't in alignment with.
Another example of how ungrateful women are. You live in an era of abundance and all you can think of is fear.
Love it!!!! THANK YOU!!!! wow, love it. Your clarity and the simple way of explaining is such a blessing to receive! Thank you Teal
Ya no. This can only be fixed if the woman is also aware that she is the problem. I've seen too many nasty controlling women who are downright disrespectful to and inconsiderate of everyone and deserve to be left in the dust. Perhaps I've seen the worst. Then the men actually complain about how unfair and mean the women are, yet choose to find and stay in the relationship regardless. "Whipped" men are little boys not capable of being what you described in this video either. You're talking to people who are miles into the completion process already. Not the average joe.
That's why they're here, champ. Settle down.
@vettie oh no I triggered a little toxic manchild. So scary. Let me do whatever he says
@@Cherubx3ASMRhe didn’t seem triggered or dismissive of your messages to me
@@blue_sky_bright_sun7599 then zoom out to the big picture
@blue_sky_bright_sun7599 oh look you too
Thank you Teal for this very detailed explanation of this OBVIOUS reality . This is common sense still nobody seems to understand a woman 's needs not being met can lead a woman to negativity change and dysfunctionnaly adapt
- 00:00 📚 Society often labels certain behaviors as problematic, such as the archetype of the "uptight controlling woman."
- 00:07 📩 Many men ask how to deal with controlling women, but few understand the root causes of this behavior.
- 01:19 🧠 Control is a fear-based behavior stemming from unresolved trauma and chronic unmet needs, particularly the need for feminine polarity.
- 02:23 💬 A common misconception is that a laid-back man can help a controlling woman relax, but this is usually ineffective.
- 02:57 👥 A carefree man often fails to address dangers, increasing a woman's sense of responsibility and control.
- 04:02 🚫 Instead of helping, a carefree man might reinforce the woman's anxiety and controlling behavior.
- 06:04 🐕 An example illustrates how a laid-back man's lack of responsibility exacerbates a controlling woman's anxiety.
- 09:11 📋 Carefree men prioritize their own enjoyment over the emotional well-being of their partner, lacking containment.
- 10:00 🗝 The solution for controlling behavior lies in addressing trauma and fear, not just teaching relaxation techniques.
- 10:36 👨👩👧👦 Responsible men who anticipate and address dangers can help controlling women feel safer and more relaxed.
- 12:00 🌸 Women's controlling behavior stems from unmet feminine needs, not their nature.
- 12:46 🛠 Women need a proactive approach to prevent pain and trauma, involving collaboration and shared problem-solving.
- 13:12 📖 Resolving trauma can help, but women still need their fundamental needs met to change controlling behavior.
- 13:44 🌍 Normalizing controlling behavior in women is a mistake; it results from unmet needs and a lack of proper containment.
- 14:26 ✔ To address controlling behavior, recognize and remedy its root causes, including trauma and unmet needs.
Oh my gawwwwwd. This. I watched your video on containment when it came out. This. This makes so much more sense now.
I married a laid back man and I became controlling. Especially after the birth of our child. It's the second for me, but he became a father for the first time. Now, I feel like I'm having not two but three children I have to think of and care for and he blaims me that I'm controlling. On the other hand, he loves that I'm taking the responsibility of lots of things. I felt that and started to play his game. I noticed that the more things I let him do and learn him how to do, the more confident of his men power he becomes. I see how much work we, as a couple, have to do, but I still love him, and I'm willing to struggle, 'cause I see results and I believe and have faith in him and us.
Good for you for supporting your husband, not drowning him in guilt trips.
Genius video and explanation of the dynamic, thank you
I think the simple point of everything that you’re stating is that fear Is what drives human beings to act irrationally. One of those ways is controlling. These issues are directly related to their childhood needs. Instead of talking about what that person needs in a romantic partner, that person doesn’t need to focus on getting a romantic partner. That person needs to focus on healing themselves.
People heal in relationships not in isolation, but they need to be compatible relationships with mutual affective responsibility and a will to understand on both sides. A child needs a parent to learn to regulate their emotions and respond calmly, in the absence of an attuned attachment figure, they become one extreme or another - overly controlling and self-reliant or overly laidback, irresponsible and avoidant. Sometimes a mix of both. These are attachment wounds and can not be healed in isolation; the child who didn't get those needs met by the parent becomes the adult who still needs an external source to learn to regulate those emotions. These attachment wounds are healed when we find someone who cares enough to help us work through them and that care brings out the best in us and encourages us to do the same for them. When this is not possible, it is either because they are just completely incompatible, at different stages and/or with different capacities. A person can self-reflect and practise regulation while single but they need relationships to reflect back to them where they need to start digging and to give opportunities to practise those regulation techniques while triggered, because nothing triggers us like a romantic relationship. The trick is finding someone who triggers us to the right degree - not so much that we become totally irrational - and who cares enough to want to understand and be considerate of our struggles without blurring their boundaries and allowing themselves to come to harm in the process.
Thank you for taking time to reply. However, I disagree. A child can recover from even the deepest childhood wounds with therapy. A person can learn to address any deficiency in their personality, acknowledge that deficiency, forgive themselves, and that person or people, Let go of negative emotions, and truly heal. I find the idea that you need to be with someone to learn how to calibrate how to treat your own self and a partner with respect a little ridiculous; not to be disrespectful.
I would also like to state that I with your notions of finding a good partner.
I so dig the way you put the words together to get this across. Impeccable explanation I enjoy watching your videos so much.
Correct me if I misunderstood: A misbehaving woman has zero responsibility for changing. Her trauma clearly rendered her thoroughly infantile, incapable of taking any accountability, for self-reflecting or regulating her emotional reactions. The sole source of hope, for her healing, is for the man to change himself, with no help from her. Never mind how the man's "carefree" pathology also likely has a cause, in emotional neglect, and also likely runs deep. Again, never mind how much he would probably benefit (and step easily into his masculine role) from a more relaxed, nurturing woman, or how much her behavior provokes his, no less than his provokes hers. Lastly, men and women are *different*: Women have needs, men have duties (to meet those needs).
Yea it's amazing those from the planet venus think.
If this is your understanding, I would suggest taking some time to consider each point of view and what each person can do to help themselves first so they can decide to work together or not. If that's the dynamic, hypothetically, both of them should be in personal therapy as well as couples therapy if they decide they are a match and want to understand each other
She's describing a dynamic and therefore describing how both sides contribute to and escalate the dynamic. She is doing so in response to queries about controlling women from carefree men so she created the video to help them understand. It is their choice if they want to take that advice or simply give up on the relationship. If he is not capable of stepping into his masculine role for this woman because she is triggering a trauma response in him too, then he absolutely should choose himself and possibly end the relationship. He doesn't have to choose to do any of this, but whether he is interested in making a relationship work or needs to walk away it is important to understand so she is explaining what is at play.
People heal in relationships with others who care enough about them to try and understand them and meet their needs, emotional and otherwise. It works both ways. Both sides have a responsibility. The point made here is carefree men often expect to get a more relaxed, nurturing woman without considering what behaviours of theirs might be preventing their woman from being that. The focus of this video is why controlling women behave the way they do and how men being carefree exacerbates the behaviour. I am sure she has other videos that present the other side for women.
What I read from your comment seems to be a double standard used to decry what you feel to be a double standard described in the video. In this case, you refer to a woman's need for control as 'misbehaving' and a less acceptable trauma response than the man's response of being irresponsible. (I may have misunderstood this; apologies if i did.) Again, this is one of the central points of the video - the widespread acceptance of the idea that women are just controlling and unreasonable by nature and because their behaviour is so repulsive, they are demonised and ridiculed while the carefree man is hailed as long-suffering. The woman is just expected to be different or be more like the man and let go/relax, whereas the man doesn't need to change or become more responsible because he is calm, fun and easy-going. Both are causing suffering but because the man's part is less obvious and his behaviour often not as ostentatiously obnoxious, the woman is presumed to be the root of the problem. Both sides have needs, both sides have duties. There are many dynamics at play in all relationships. This video is just describing one.
No, women are just hopelessly nurotic. It is the truth. No psyco bable needed.
@@DivineLightPaladin Therapists have reported most women quit therapy when confronted, and asked to take accountability, in any way. So therapists have an economic incentive to cater to the women, if they want to put food on their own tables. If two people cannot go toe-to-toe and stay in conversation with the intention to understand (as much as to be understood), then they have no godly business in each other's lives; other than to humiliate them until they snap out of it.
Brilliantly said
In short steer entirely away from said woman in 1st place it's a never ending rabbit hole (ASMR bi-polar etc)👍. "Figure out what she might be afraid of" 🙄
Thank you thank you thank you! As a man trying to embody divine masculinity and be a great container, this is Golden!
What teal just said is if you don’t want a controlling woman then step tfu and be a man! Thank you teal!👏🏼👏🏼😘❤️
"If you don't want a controlling man, be a better woman"
See how that isn't always the case and sometimes just victim blaming. Sometimes one side is too irresponsible, sometimes the other is just too neurotic and/or entitled
@@asura8495 people do frequently tell women this. Victim blaming women for selection is normalized. To be clear, I don't agree with the initial commenter. I think a more aligned summation of this video is " You as a man have every right to be the kind of man you want to be and that is perfect, stay on your path and commune with a woman who is compatible with you then provide containment in the unique way that only you and that woman define for yourselves."
I think in order to recieve what Teal is saying this has to be viewed with her other videos where a woman has addressed her own shadow self, taken accountability, and both people are in a compatible situation. This info doesn't fly if those other conditions aren't met.
@@deborahappreciates8 Blaming women for their selection comes from their systematicly picking bad men and blaming all men for their faults. Nice try to blame it on men again.
😅😅😅😅😅😅😂😂😂😂😂😂
You described my parents, at 40 I am just starting to unlearn this, as I had been mirroring this dynamic in my own relationships without realising .
Better late than never .
My mother is the definition of a controlling and uptight woman, with all respect to her. That stems from a lot of trauma that has to do with being out of control, and being threatened and flat out hurt. I have the same issues, but I've taken them to a whole other level.
But also we are naturally more tuned to dangers and thus we can avoid them better.
The solution is to first face and feel our traumas and open up and allow people that can be allies to our healing, but it's hard for both of us, for different reasons.
Have you or your mother gone to therapy to try to heal?
@@happygolucky9004 Well, that is a very good question. I have been on my own healing journey for the last 8 years, I have made a lot of progress, yet it's not an easy road, considering how much I have been through, and how little support I have in my life currently. I am contemplating going to a psychologist, but I am not sure if they're gonna help me or if that's the solution.
As for my mom, I suggested to her recently that she goes to a psychologist, to talk about some things there, but she said that she doesn't need one right now.
@@annat.622It might be worth exploring a therapist as you can only take your healing so far. You can't be your own external reference, just like you can't see what's on your back. Everyone has blind spots and having a third party helps emensely.
@@happygolucky9004 Yeah, I guess you're right, but I am worried that I might not find someone good as a therapist/psychologist, and I am scared to put myself in someone else's hands in general, but maybe it's worth the try. Thank you.
@@happygolucky9004 I don't know if you're seeing this message, but I want to thank you! You're one of the three people who suggested the option of therapy/seeing a psychologist, and after the third person suggested it, I saw this as a sign from the Universe that I probably need to go to see a psychologist, and today I went to my first therapy session. So thank you for being a part of this! I hope you're doing well! ❤
I'm a woman dealing with a lot of subconscious masculinisation (generational trauma) and recognized myself in the laidback man gaslighting his partner when they express fear. I feel sorry for my boyfriend not being taken seriously by me and just focusing on my superficial "chill atmosphere". Which was a self-gaslight to begin with - I spent almost 30 years on my own with no one looking out for me and people even shaming me for being scared and worried, so eventually I just started acting reckless without batting an eye. Because being left alone in this kind of existential dread was just too much.
Thank you Teal for resolving this cognitive dissonance and shining light on this dynamic 🌷✨️
So sorry you had to live like that. Very happy for your realization and introspection. I wish you much success on your healing journey ❤️
Can you also record a video why majority of women struggle to be an adult in relationships? Why they act like little immature girls while expecting almost all the responsibilities from the man as if we are their father and they feel entitled to have absolutely no responsibility at all?
I think it's up to men to figure that one out. Women are psychologically designed to be owned by warlike men, thus their grape fantasies and love of men in prison. I don't know what normal guys can do in the meantime but I think in the future women will be owned and controlled by wealthy men and traded among the soldiers who work for those wealthy men. The other 90% of men will probably be given drugs and surgeries to neuter their sexual desire so they can concentrate on working for the powerful without resentment. In the meantime, pretending that normal men can satisfy a woman is a joke, it just doesn't work that way.
Don't hold your breath for that one!
Because “ red pill” incels keep telling women that is what “alpha” men want.
This!!!! Lol
Control is a type of bullying, that insecure people demonstrate because they cant handle the chaos and complexity of the world. They lash out and attack in attempt to create order out of chaos, and create their wold view of how things should be.
Rather than attacking others they should either work on themselves to be able to respect other types of people or find their own tribe of like minded people.
Their is no need for the victim of their irrational and toxic behaviour to change when they are not the problem.
It would seem very challenging, if not impossible to get out in front of everything that a woman thinks might go wrong. Also, many things may have been accounted for without her awareness.
But why would a woman appreciate that? There is always something more he could be doing, that he isn't doing, and she wants him to read her mind, which of course he can't do, and then she wants to be critical and demanding on him. Why would any man want that? A man gets to the finish line, only to find out, the woman moved the line further away, so he can never meet her impossible expectations and standards. Men should save themselves stress and pain, and just go their own way and avoid these toxic women.
Very well said Teal 🙏
So, I missed how it is actually remedied. If the woman never takes responsibility for her unwarranted fears and constantly lives on the edge of "What ifs" in life, she has relegated herself to a lifetime of bondage and slavery. The fact that she is controlling indicates that she is not in control of herself and her thought patterns. It is NOT the mans job to be her therapist... 98% of fears will NEVER come true. People must learn how to properly marry emotions with truth. I have found it better to just avoid those who are controlled by unrealistic fears unless you are willing to join yourself for the rest of your life to this exhausting energy drain. The best way to overcome fear is to intentionally place yourself in the situations which trigger them- each time reminding yourself that you are perfectly safe until you desensitize and dispel it completely. It helps to remember and reflect on the initial event while doing this. Just my experience from 35 years of marriage. Jeffrey Z. in SC
do you not feel at all your assumption that you are assuming the right to decide what’s “warranted”
Watch it again. The remedy is there
@@changingmymind Perhaps "irrational" might be a better choice of words. People who are always led by fear cannot enjoy life because their mind is always focused on the "What ifs". To me, that is the ultimate slavery and joy killer in life.
@@changingmymind Fearing death (in general) is unwarranted. Death is unavoidable, we ultimately all do. The best we can do is take control of our lives as much as possible, and through preparedness and caution, avoid dying for as long as possible. The same goes for any other fear. You resolve fear by understanding the object of your fear, and to what degree you can influence it. Then you take control of what is within your influence, and operate it in such a way that the part of it which is outside your control becomes irrelevant. Anything outside of your control must be accepted as reality.
Fear has an evolutionary purpose in our biology. There are three types of fear: Anticipatory fear, acute fear, and traumatic fear.
Anticipatory fear is ultimately fear of the unknown. Knowing something is going to happen, not knowing how it might affect you. At the root of it is the inherent risk of uncertainty. The purpose of anticipatory fear is to invoke avoidance. "I don't understand this, this is scary.". It serves the purpose of making us cautious when we do not grasp the situation well.
Acute fear is in the moment. Like losing your balance on a cliff edge, or walking in the street and a loose dog running straight at you. You know the potential consequences. You know if you fall it will hurt, you know if the dog bites you, you will get seriously injured. The fear serves to get your adrenaline going so that you can react to the immediate threat. To trigger a fight or flight response.
Traumatic fear is learned fear. Any time you have gotten hurt (whether it's physically or emotionally), you learn to fear the context in which it occurred. Like anticipatory fear, its purpose is to invoke avoidance. "I got hurt like this before, I shouldn't repeat behaviour x or I should get out of situation y.". Unlike anticipatory fear, the object of fear comes from your lived experiences rather than uncertainty / your imagination.
Whether or not fear is warranted depends on probability and actual reality in the moment you experience it. If a woman walks down a street and becomes afraid whenever a man passes her on the street, regardless of the context, that is a rampant fear. She needs to take control of her fear, rather than be controlled by it, by becoming more observant. Is the guy about to cross her path ignoring her or staring at her? Does he politely greet her as he passes, or does he make a crass remark? Does he continue on his way or turn around and start to follow her?
This fear is mainly anticipatory. The "unknown" being "what the man is thinking". But there can also be a traumatic aspect to it if the woman has had prior negative experiences. It (should) only become(s) an acute fear if the man shows signs that he might do something. I am not saying this fear is inherently irrational, but it needs to be controlled, otherwise it becomes an irrational fear.
replacing unwarranted with irrational in no way addresses the issue of who gets to decide, who gets to ask.