Let's try something new - sharing our unmasking goals!! ⤵ Drop one way of unmasking that you want to try in the comments and let's cheer each other on. It isn't easy to unmask but we're all here to support each other! 🎉🎉🎉 So share your goals, your wins, the challenges, or whatever you'd like!
I need to better identify my feelings. I struggle to express them well to others, and often use the labels others put on them (more masking). I've had an issue with this in therapy, where the therapist says, "anger", or "fear", and I let that become the label; but it doesn't feel right. Later I come back and have to revise the perspective on it. There's a persistent, lifelong feeling that I don't know how to explain. I've come to label it as, "avolition", though I'm not sure that's the right word. It is essentially a deep disatisfaction/want/need exacerbated by a lack of satisfactory options. That's not even a good description. In the past I've allowed it to be labeled as ennui, or boredom, or anhedonia. I think it's more than that. I think those kinds of feelings are secondary to this one; much like anger is a secondary emotion. This feeling is deeply uncomfortable and draining, and it shows up--like clockwork--when the burnout starts. If I can figure out what this is, I can try to find a means to sate it. If I can do that, maybe I can regulate better and avoid the nose dive into burnout.
I have trouble with shortening up small talk with others without just seeming like an A hole.... which I've been labeled all my life.... but I never mean any rude intent.... so I tend to ignore people in public some times.... some understand... some seem dumb founded
Working on feeling okay saying no. In one way it’s relieving in another way I ruminate on if I’m letting down myself or others or missing meaningful experience as I already miss a lot in life. Will begin working to fully unmask alone in a safe space. Even when alone I fear dropping the mask. For some reason I think if I can fully control my thoughts and actions I won’t spiral or will be more productive ( it’s not true I’m finding). Anyone else having trouble unmasking even when alone? Thanks again Chris and Debby for the super helpful nuanced video and bringing me some sense of community 💕
I need to learn to ask for a minute to think and process. It's hard because people often feel in conversations like everything is urgent. When they text me, I can simply... answer later, but face to face it's hard to ask for a moment without sounding rude...
Thanks for making this video. I had a rough day at work. broke down in tears when i came home. Being autistic isn't easy. I was recently diagnosed at 28. Just being able to finally get my diagnosis was a hell of a journey. Proud to be here, proud to be neurodivergent! ♾ 🙂 I'm new here to the autistic community on youtube, so let me introduce myself briefly: My Name is Daniel. I live in Switzerland. Excuse my wacky writing; English is not my native language. If you want to chat with me about autism or your special interest i'm totally open. My special interests are crafting wooden spoons , model building, mushrooms and reading books about autism or psychology in general. Nursing my Bonsai trees and gardening are also pretty important to me. Nice to meet you guys! ☮😃
#30. Try relaxing with people you trust. #29. Let yourself stim. #28. Practice saying "No" without apologizing. #27. Explore sensory-friendly clothes. #26. Allow yourself to info-dump. #25. Give yourself permission to leave. #24. Don't force the small talk or practice how to shorten it. #23. Experiment with eye contact. #22. Plan sensory-friendly breaks. #21. Pay attention to your feelings. #20. Celebrate your quirks and special interests. #19. Practice saying what you mean. #18. Learn to guard your social battery. #17. Try side-by-side conversations. #16. Stop overexplaining. #15. Give yourself more quiet. #14. Get yourself sensory goodies that feel right. #13. Create a sanctuary where you can fully unmask. #12. Start advocating for accommodations. #11. Set boundaries, especially when you need to preserve your energy. #10. Allow yourself time to zone out. #9. Practice saying "I need a minute" because processing takes time. #8. Ask for one-on-one time when you need it. #7. Challenge yourself to ruminate less. #6. Practice making decisions that feel right for you. #5. Recognize when you're masking. #4. Accept that your social circle might get smaller. #3. Communicate your needs clearly and directly. #2. Embrace the awkward moments. #1. Be your own biggest cheerleader. Which of these feels the most doable for you? Leave a comment.
Thank you for this video Chris, solutions and options. I was late diagnosed last year at 72 with autism which I had expected, and also ADHD which was the surprise part. The diagnosis brought relief and explanation of why I have never felt like I belong in this world my whole life, but also grief for the loss of not finding out sooner. Being both is very confusing. I've been automatically masking my whole life and just starting to work on that now with psychologist. I've been thinking how the heck do I stop because I don't even know I'm doing it, it just comes naturally. Until I get home and collapse on the sofa in a huge blob of relieved happiness. Thankfully with your list it doesn't involve stripping off the mask but gently and kindly to myself. Comfort for me are the super soft fluffy rugs and throws you can get now and specifically, a pair of fluffy, so very soft bed socks one of my sisters gave me which I wear around my neck like a scarf up near my mouth and face when I go to bed, sleep so well. (except in Aust summer, but it's nearby to put my hand on if needed:) I can't help stroking the soft cushions and rugs in shops when walking past. Stopping now before I start to overexplain the past 70 years 🤭 but thank you I have found your videos very useful and informative.
It's really nice to know I am not the only one looking odd to people around me when I start shoving my hands into soft cushions and teddy's and other materials in shops. I also absolutely love to shove my toes into soft fluffy stuff too.
The emotion one hits home. When i was in therapy, my doctor would ask me how im feeling and i always said "i dont know" or "neutral" but what i probably meant was "uncomfortable" and "nervous". I started keeping a mood tracker recently and i realized that i wanted to put "happy" for every day since im scared to be unhappy (because, to me, if im unhappy that means i might be falling into depression which terrifies me since i had nonstop depression for 8 years straight which was traumatizing). By using the mood tracker, I learned that some days i would think in my head that i was happy when i was actually really stressed out and not taking care of my needs which would lead to burn out. Im still working on it, but i can recognize my emotions a little better now and see that i can have bad days without it meaning that i will feel bad forever.
I'm already doing a lot of these. So, watching this video makes me feel like I must be on the right track. :) The one that is the most challenging for me is asking for accommodations. This one makes me feel a bit dizzy and nauseated. On the other hand, the one that has been surprisingly easy has been to let myself stim. Thanks so much for making and posting these videos!
Great list! And such synchronicity--My 2025 resolutions are to (1) align my lifestyle better with my needs as an autistic person and (2) redesign my office. Random request if you are at all interested: Chris, I would love to hear you infodump at length about the design of that room and why it makes you happy. Thanks as always for all your work y'all!
I created a mask I'm comfortable with. My struggles came from not being able to explain myself when I had a meltdown, or shutdown. So I got judged as a neurotypical behaving badly. I knew I couldn't control these things, but I couldn't explain myself. Getting diagnosed changed my life. Though I'm still not working.
That resonated with med Lev!. Getting my diagnoses and bering words and terms to explain the way I am and the reactions I have made me life so much better, but like you say it is stil a working progress.
I'm told often that when i try to explain things that I'm trying to create excuses and it makes my brain short out because I just want to be understood for why I do the things I do
thank you for posting this. it helped. something I've been doing is trying to learn to be gentle with myself. and looking back at past memories and tell myself what i needed to hear at that time and work on moving forward. and try to sit with my feelings for a bit and acknowledge it, instead of ignoring it like i did growing up because i didn't know how to deal with feelings.
Excellent. This exactly corresponds to, and affirms, what I've been discovering since my autism epiphany in May '23. It's so weird, but a nice "weird," to have stumbled across these things myself by trial-and-error, because the initial autism discovery led organically to them (once that dam breaks, well... watch out), then to hear you confirming my impressions and (tentative, nervous) choices and, especially, adding more definition, clarity and power to them. Thank you!
This is a great list! I've taken lots of notes, since so many of these unmasking tips seem like it'll be very helpful going forward, especially as I continue to learn more about myself. 🙂 Here's my own umasking tip: give yourself permission to learn about yourself slowly, to not be sure about everything right away. To explain what I mean: my interoception is not the best most days, and I often have a lot of hyposensitivity towards even sensory sensations which stress me out. Thus, figuring out what my sensory preferences, what takes or gives me energy or what my opinion is on a subject has been a very slow process of learning, re-learning, proving or disproving hypotheses, etcetera. Would I prefer to know all these things with no ambiguity so I can put it all in an awesome list to reference like an encyclopedia of me? 100%, but since I know my interoception isn't great and that interpreting my bodily signals, emotional cues, etcetera is really tricky for me.... giving myself permission to not interpret everything PERFECTLY and make mistakes is really freeing. 🙂 And knowing that I don't interpret my internal signals particularly well allows me to more easily ask someone else for help if I need to, such as my wife or therapist, and put us on the same page.
Thank you for this very detailed video, complete with numbered list. This further reinforces what I suspected: that I was never really very masked at all. Yes, I somehow made it 40 years without being diagnosed, but I’ve always been unapologetically myself. I followed along in my notes app, and tallied up that 27/30 of these are things that I already do. The three that I can’t say I do, or do fully: ✅ 21. pay attention to your feelings ✅ 7. challenge yourself to ruminate less ✅ 1. be your own biggest cheerleader
❤ Thank you so much. Made a list and noted 8 points I want to work on. Such a helpful tool this video 😊 I love your humor and little scetches. The only thing I don't like is the "idiot forehead slapping thing". Don't hurt yourself. And you're not an idiot at all. Unless it's meant to be sarcastic. Then it's kind of funny. But again. Don't slap so hard 😂❤ Suggestion: Instead of idiot, you can say blacktip reef shark. Try to use a positive word :) They have a better energy level 😊 And instead of slapping your forehead you can stop right in front. That you don't hurt yourself 😊 But in the end: you do you 😘
Unmasking for me also means chosing to mask more intentionally. In some cases my mask can still be helpful. And when I mask intentionally I give myself more space to reconnect with myself.
this will be a great resource for generations to come. fantastic examples and what a fine presentation. the design of your current videos is making my brain feel calm. you are making them right. if you haven't already done this, you could break these longer videos up into shorts for tiktok type platforms or make them part one /part two for people with shorter attention spans on youtube.
Thank you. Would also love to hear what everyone does as late dx when people who’ve known you so long roll their eyes. Would love to know how to assert our known intelligence without putting down our ASD and allowing others to say “yeah right” ….
Best gift I‘ve ever gotten was a pair of Loop earplugs. Subtle, comfy, just the right amount of noise canceling for me and by now a regular part of my keychain. It’s the accommodation I‘m best at using just cause they’re in the ear easily and a cap/long hair hides them immediately. They go such a long way to allow me to enjoy bigger events more easily, and I can actually go to parties with my friends now (although I still don’t like crowded spaces).
I love #2 and it helped me a lot during the past weeks. I used to ruminate a lot and I tend to overthinking. Just laughing about some funny comments that made others stare at me helped me
These were some great tips to help a mask. I definitely like a quiet in the car, especially when you’re going somewhere that is going to be noisy. Also, I like the tip of going to see animals and taking a nature walk. Those are awesome or just curling up with a blanket headphones and have a squishy when you’re feeling overstimulated.
This is a great video. Thanks very much Chris n Debbie. I really loved the bit about learning to notice when we're masking. That's such a big one. I'm trying to pay attention to that more n more. Great tips. Shyyyyyyyy
I told my therapist "«No» is a complete sentence", since I heard this multiple times now. She was like "No. I don't agree. That pisses off people. Say at least why."
I try and say no as often as possible and also tend to try and draw my conversations to a natural close quickly. While my studio is not colour coded, every element in it has a reason for being for me emotionally or artistically.
Does this count as overexplaining😂 Goodness #6 is tough for my family right now! I've always gone along with what other family want with gatherings, because I was always trying to be flexible and agreeable (because in everyday life, I can be such a control freak!!!), but HA it would not turn out well! So right around the time that I was getting diagnosed, in the midst of huge burnout, and identity crisis, I tried doing #6 for a family gathering this summer, and I was ignored. And then everyone was surprised when I had a meltdown!!! I tried explaining multiple times PRIOR what I preferred and everyone blew me off, because it didn't fit in with there needs and desires. (And since they're so used to me acquiescing to what they want, why else would it be any different????) I had low-key planned/scheduled activities (*around other people's voiced activities and plans*), but then last minute, those people would change things up without checking with me, messing up my desired scheduled and activities. Hello?!?! So yet again, I looked like the same control freak having an "unexplainable" overreacting meltdown, just like in the past, but this time I knew *WHY* So it didn't actually help me at all until I told them prior to the next gathering WHY I had been doing #6 and if they had a problem with it, I'm sorry, but in order to have me participate in the gatherings, we have to work on accommodating my needs for once. So yeah, they're getting used to me verbalizing what I need and my boundaries. But it's so hard when you have one or two family members that pretty much come in and take over and that is what i'm struggling with...the particular people that think it's okay to come in and just bulldoze over plans I already made. Honestly, I think part of it is selfishness and self centeredness, which is how a lot of people accuse autistic people of being, but I would not even think to do what they do to me!!!
I can deal with plans changing but I need more than 5 minutes notice. My ex boyfriend used to yell at me that I was inflexible. I just need to know what to expect.
I learned this masking trait when I was 13 and had no idea how much it would help me- look at the forehead between the eyes and the person speaking thinks you're looking in their eyes without being weird.
I realized during the pandemic that I actually lip read a fair amount. I'm not hard of hearing or deaf, but apparently I look at mouths a lot. About that time, I was also starting to wonder, wait, how normal is my eye contact really? I hadn't thought about it. No one ever gave me trouble about it. Whether that's because it's normal or because I just found good masking easily, I'm not sure. (ADHD diagnosed; wondering if AuDHD is correct)
A corporate setting (and changing within it) could definitely be tricky - let us know after you watch whether any of this seems doable there. But also hopefully outside of that, you can get more chances to try to unmask too!
In a shop of tradesmen can’t be a lot better than boardroom. Acceptable behavior is also strictly enforced by peer pressure. Family members’ deer in the headlights reactions explains what would happen at work. I’m slowly unmasking anyway.
Thankyou i needed this. Im realy nervous meeting up with my family members friend tomorrow. Last time there were several times she looked at me weird after i said things and made fun of the way i looked around by commentingto everyone how i was moving my head. I didnt think i said anything weird but obviously i did and got to comfortable and let my mask slip. As for moving my head i was concentrating on eye contact to different people trying to follow different conversations.
I have actually asked my boss if they could pay me to stay home and make cartoons but they said no.... For some reason I thought it was going to work 😂
Thank you for sharing and motivating with your Insights. This video matches perfectly to my personal 2025 goal: to find out, what pieces I want to unmask and what to keep. I think there are some masks that can make live easier without needing too much energy at the same time. Sadly my brain faded out while first watch 🙂 so, I will rewatch and pick out my favourites.
I figured out small talk and why it's terrible. It's 7% of communication and I'm missing 93% of it. 38% percent is tone of voice. 55% is body language. This is just rough estimates and the values do change but it small talk those percentages are more in line. So in small talk. I hear what's being said, it's all the surface. The I'm communication my body language and tone, typically monotone. My body language and tone of voice have nothing to do with my small talk scripts. They are communicating so much more to me and I'm oblivious. So I walk away from small as confused at they do. I never thought of it like that till at work we had discussion on face to face meeting due the 93% non verbal that get lost in Teams meeting, I just sat through it uncomfortably. Now I get it why small talk is painful. I'm putting 93% more work tying figure it out. That just me using the number, but it's is a lot more energy.
The strangest thing is that I can't stand loud noises, but I also can't stand absolute silence. I HAVE to be aware of every little thing going on around me, so earplugs, or whatever makes me 'deaf', actually causes 100% anxiety for me.😅
try the latest flare prototype ear plugs with the black round foam inserts. each pair comes with 3 sizes of foam inserts. they take out the painful noise, but you can hear everything.
Wait a second, you're telling me this whole time sharks have been a special interest of yours that I've been following you And I never even knew that before now!?
looong time ago my ex pointed out that when I'm enjoying my meal I would tend to move side to side. after about the 3rd time she pointed it out I've not done it since 😅
... and when you live without many close friends? Meaning, "lock-down" was not hard for me. It did not make much of a difference to my social connections....
Small Talk about Weather - Booooooom - Info Dumb ,Weather is my special Intresst. But its very Hard to feel when I have enough I'm so used to masking in front of others and the most wont understand this.
I wish that I could be open about using weed to curb my ptsd anxiety. It has brought so much peace, calm, patience and sleep. My life works now, and I actually am happy to be alive. That's a first. But only my husband knows, bc it's illegal.
Hi Chris, Is there a reason you hit yourself sometimes? It really stresses me out to see that. Is there a reason or do you leave those portions in to be funny, I don’t think it’s funny.
Let's try something new - sharing our unmasking goals!! ⤵ Drop one way of unmasking that you want to try in the comments and let's cheer each other on. It isn't easy to unmask but we're all here to support each other! 🎉🎉🎉 So share your goals, your wins, the challenges, or whatever you'd like!
I need to better identify my feelings. I struggle to express them well to others, and often use the labels others put on them (more masking). I've had an issue with this in therapy, where the therapist says, "anger", or "fear", and I let that become the label; but it doesn't feel right. Later I come back and have to revise the perspective on it.
There's a persistent, lifelong feeling that I don't know how to explain. I've come to label it as, "avolition", though I'm not sure that's the right word. It is essentially a deep disatisfaction/want/need exacerbated by a lack of satisfactory options. That's not even a good description.
In the past I've allowed it to be labeled as ennui, or boredom, or anhedonia. I think it's more than that. I think those kinds of feelings are secondary to this one; much like anger is a secondary emotion. This feeling is deeply uncomfortable and draining, and it shows up--like clockwork--when the burnout starts.
If I can figure out what this is, I can try to find a means to sate it. If I can do that, maybe I can regulate better and avoid the nose dive into burnout.
I have trouble with shortening up small talk with others without just seeming like an A hole.... which I've been labeled all my life.... but I never mean any rude intent.... so I tend to ignore people in public some times.... some understand... some seem dumb founded
This comment 🥹
Working on feeling okay saying no. In one way it’s relieving in another way I ruminate on if I’m letting down myself or others or missing meaningful experience as I already miss a lot in life. Will begin working to fully unmask alone in a safe space. Even when alone I fear dropping the mask. For some reason I think if I can fully control my thoughts and actions I won’t spiral or will be more productive ( it’s not true I’m finding). Anyone else having trouble unmasking even when alone?
Thanks again Chris and Debby for the super helpful nuanced video and bringing me some sense of community 💕
I need to learn to ask for a minute to think and process. It's hard because people often feel in conversations like everything is urgent. When they text me, I can simply... answer later, but face to face it's hard to ask for a moment without sounding rude...
I am somehow really happy that I am not the only one still getting irritated or nervous about what someone said to me 15 years ago
I have this same problem as well.
Sometimes the person has already died so I can't even change anything!
Me too! Such a burden of shame on our shoulders. We carry enough as it is!
Thanks for making this video. I had a rough day at work. broke down in tears when i came home.
Being autistic isn't easy. I was recently diagnosed at 28. Just being able to finally get my diagnosis was a hell of a journey. Proud to be here, proud to be neurodivergent! ♾
🙂
I'm new here to the autistic community on youtube, so let me introduce myself briefly:
My Name is Daniel. I live in Switzerland. Excuse my wacky writing; English is not my native language.
If you want to chat with me about autism or your special interest i'm totally open.
My special interests are crafting wooden spoons , model building, mushrooms and reading books about autism or psychology in general. Nursing my Bonsai trees and gardening are also pretty important to me.
Nice to meet you guys! ☮😃
those special interests sound cool. :O
@@nickorange4881 Thank you so much! 😁
Welcome home! This is your tribe. Within us, your are safe and loved for exactly the reasons people bully us.
#30. Try relaxing with people you trust.
#29. Let yourself stim.
#28. Practice saying "No" without apologizing.
#27. Explore sensory-friendly clothes.
#26. Allow yourself to info-dump.
#25. Give yourself permission to leave.
#24. Don't force the small talk or practice how to shorten it.
#23. Experiment with eye contact.
#22. Plan sensory-friendly breaks.
#21. Pay attention to your feelings.
#20. Celebrate your quirks and special interests.
#19. Practice saying what you mean.
#18. Learn to guard your social battery.
#17. Try side-by-side conversations.
#16. Stop overexplaining.
#15. Give yourself more quiet.
#14. Get yourself sensory goodies that feel right.
#13. Create a sanctuary where you can fully unmask.
#12. Start advocating for accommodations.
#11. Set boundaries, especially when you need to preserve your energy.
#10. Allow yourself time to zone out.
#9. Practice saying "I need a minute" because processing takes time.
#8. Ask for one-on-one time when you need it.
#7. Challenge yourself to ruminate less.
#6. Practice making decisions that feel right for you.
#5. Recognize when you're masking.
#4. Accept that your social circle might get smaller.
#3. Communicate your needs clearly and directly.
#2. Embrace the awkward moments.
#1. Be your own biggest cheerleader.
Which of these feels the most doable for you? Leave a comment.
Thank you for your service! o7
Thank you for this video Chris, solutions and options. I was late diagnosed last year at 72 with autism which I had expected, and also ADHD which was the surprise part. The diagnosis brought relief and explanation of why I have never felt like I belong in this world my whole life, but also grief for the loss of not finding out sooner. Being both is very confusing.
I've been automatically masking my whole life and just starting to work on that now with psychologist. I've been thinking how the heck do I stop because I don't even know I'm doing it, it just comes naturally. Until I get home and collapse on the sofa in a huge blob of relieved happiness.
Thankfully with your list it doesn't involve stripping off the mask but gently and kindly to myself.
Comfort for me are the super soft fluffy rugs and throws you can get now and specifically, a pair of fluffy, so very soft bed socks one of my sisters gave me which I wear around my neck like a scarf up near my mouth and face when I go to bed, sleep so well. (except in Aust summer, but it's nearby to put my hand on if needed:)
I can't help stroking the soft cushions and rugs in shops when walking past.
Stopping now before I start to overexplain the past 70 years 🤭 but thank you I have found your videos very useful and informative.
It's really nice to know I am not the only one looking odd to people around me when I start shoving my hands into soft cushions and teddy's and other materials in shops. I also absolutely love to shove my toes into soft fluffy stuff too.
The emotion one hits home. When i was in therapy, my doctor would ask me how im feeling and i always said "i dont know" or "neutral" but what i probably meant was "uncomfortable" and "nervous". I started keeping a mood tracker recently and i realized that i wanted to put "happy" for every day since im scared to be unhappy (because, to me, if im unhappy that means i might be falling into depression which terrifies me since i had nonstop depression for 8 years straight which was traumatizing). By using the mood tracker, I learned that some days i would think in my head that i was happy when i was actually really stressed out and not taking care of my needs which would lead to burn out. Im still working on it, but i can recognize my emotions a little better now and see that i can have bad days without it meaning that i will feel bad forever.
Omg you gave me so much to think about now. Thx
I'm already doing a lot of these. So, watching this video makes me feel like I must be on the right track. :) The one that is the most challenging for me is asking for accommodations. This one makes me feel a bit dizzy and nauseated. On the other hand, the one that has been surprisingly easy has been to let myself stim. Thanks so much for making and posting these videos!
Great list! And such synchronicity--My 2025 resolutions are to (1) align my lifestyle better with my needs as an autistic person and (2) redesign my office. Random request if you are at all interested: Chris, I would love to hear you infodump at length about the design of that room and why it makes you happy. Thanks as always for all your work y'all!
Tag less any piece of clothing was a game changer even before I was diagnosed.
I really need this video to use it at work whenever my burnout allows me to comeback. Thank you for this, ❤❤❤❤.
Yes, good resource!
bro deserves an oscar at this point
I created a mask I'm comfortable with. My struggles came from not being able to explain myself when I had a meltdown, or shutdown. So I got judged as a neurotypical behaving badly. I knew I couldn't control these things, but I couldn't explain myself. Getting diagnosed changed my life. Though I'm still not working.
That resonated with med Lev!. Getting my diagnoses and bering words and terms to explain the way I am and the reactions I have made me life so much better, but like you say it is stil a working progress.
Looking at the opposites nose or mouth while in a conversation helped me a lot.
I'm told often that when i try to explain things that I'm trying to create excuses and it makes my brain short out because I just want to be understood for why I do the things I do
I needed to hear this list. Especially #16. I'm the queen of over explaining and I need to make stopping a priority.
Another video to add to my binge list!
thank you for posting this. it helped. something I've been doing is trying to learn to be gentle with myself. and looking back at past memories and tell myself what i needed to hear at that time and work on moving forward. and try to sit with my feelings for a bit and acknowledge it, instead of ignoring it like i did growing up because i didn't know how to deal with feelings.
The weather is one of my special interests 😄
Same, it really makes others regret starting weather small talk with me!
@@AuDHDRunner 😃😂😂😆
I just realized that I am very tactile. I love velvety types of anything! Saying no, that is going to require practice. Thank you so much!!!
Excellent. This exactly corresponds to, and affirms, what I've been discovering since my autism epiphany in May '23. It's so weird, but a nice "weird," to have stumbled across these things myself by trial-and-error, because the initial autism discovery led organically to them (once that dam breaks, well... watch out), then to hear you confirming my impressions and (tentative, nervous) choices and, especially, adding more definition, clarity and power to them. Thank you!
Right there with you. Your road to getting to autism and mine are amazingly similar
This is a great list! I've taken lots of notes, since so many of these unmasking tips seem like it'll be very helpful going forward, especially as I continue to learn more about myself. 🙂
Here's my own umasking tip: give yourself permission to learn about yourself slowly, to not be sure about everything right away.
To explain what I mean: my interoception is not the best most days, and I often have a lot of hyposensitivity towards even sensory sensations which stress me out. Thus, figuring out what my sensory preferences, what takes or gives me energy or what my opinion is on a subject has been a very slow process of learning, re-learning, proving or disproving hypotheses, etcetera.
Would I prefer to know all these things with no ambiguity so I can put it all in an awesome list to reference like an encyclopedia of me? 100%, but since I know my interoception isn't great and that interpreting my bodily signals, emotional cues, etcetera is really tricky for me.... giving myself permission to not interpret everything PERFECTLY and make mistakes is really freeing. 🙂
And knowing that I don't interpret my internal signals particularly well allows me to more easily ask someone else for help if I need to, such as my wife or therapist, and put us on the same page.
Thank you for this very detailed video, complete with numbered list. This further reinforces what I suspected: that I was never really very masked at all. Yes, I somehow made it 40 years without being diagnosed, but I’ve always been unapologetically myself.
I followed along in my notes app, and tallied up that 27/30 of these are things that I already do.
The three that I can’t say I do, or do fully:
✅ 21. pay attention to your feelings
✅ 7. challenge yourself to ruminate less
✅ 1. be your own biggest cheerleader
The walking and talking one! Been doing that one for years. Thank you as always Chris for helping me along my journey
To all: Love yourself first and best ❤
❤ Thank you so much. Made a list and noted 8 points I want to work on. Such a helpful tool this video 😊 I love your humor and little scetches. The only thing I don't like is the "idiot forehead slapping thing". Don't hurt yourself. And you're not an idiot at all. Unless it's meant to be sarcastic. Then it's kind of funny. But again. Don't slap so hard 😂❤
Suggestion:
Instead of idiot, you can say blacktip reef shark. Try to use a positive word :) They have a better energy level 😊
And instead of slapping your forehead you can stop right in front. That you don't hurt yourself 😊 But in the end: you do you 😘
Unmasking for me also means chosing to mask more intentionally. In some cases my mask can still be helpful. And when I mask intentionally I give myself more space to reconnect with myself.
Great tips and advice as usual! Thanks for taking the time out to share!
I've been cutting out the tags from clothes since I learned how to use scissors and I'll never stop or apologize
this will be a great resource for generations to come. fantastic examples and what a fine presentation. the design of your current videos is making my brain feel calm. you are making them right.
if you haven't already done this, you could break these longer videos up into shorts for tiktok type platforms or make them part one /part two for people with shorter attention spans on youtube.
Thank you. Would also love to hear what everyone does as late dx when people who’ve known you so long roll their eyes. Would love to know how to assert our known intelligence without putting down our ASD and allowing others to say “yeah right” ….
Best gift I‘ve ever gotten was a pair of Loop earplugs. Subtle, comfy, just the right amount of noise canceling for me and by now a regular part of my keychain. It’s the accommodation I‘m best at using just cause they’re in the ear easily and a cap/long hair hides them immediately. They go such a long way to allow me to enjoy bigger events more easily, and I can actually go to parties with my friends now (although I still don’t like crowded spaces).
Great video as always! 😊
Thank you for the tips!❤
I love #2 and it helped me a lot during the past weeks. I used to ruminate a lot and I tend to overthinking. Just laughing about some funny comments that made others stare at me helped me
Cheers for this video. Really helpful.
These were some great tips to help a mask. I definitely like a quiet in the car, especially when you’re going somewhere that is going to be noisy. Also, I like the tip of going to see animals and taking a nature walk. Those are awesome or just curling up with a blanket headphones and have a squishy when you’re feeling overstimulated.
Thank you for your hard work.
This video made me feel good. Thanks!
So much you shared is so on point. My thing to focus is to NOT RUMINATE💞💙🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💙💞👊👊
This is a great video. Thanks very much Chris n Debbie. I really loved the bit about learning to notice when we're masking. That's such a big one. I'm trying to pay attention to that more n more. Great tips.
Shyyyyyyyy
I told my therapist "«No» is a complete sentence", since I heard this multiple times now.
She was like "No. I don't agree. That pisses off people. Say at least why."
"Bring Snacks" 😂 I intend to make this mandatory for entering my recharge space!
been info dumping to myself a lot lately, didnt know it was related. Youre the goat
Very inspiring, thank you!
I try and say no as often as possible and also tend to try and draw my conversations to a natural close quickly. While my studio is not colour coded, every element in it has a reason for being for me emotionally or artistically.
Does this count as overexplaining😂
Goodness #6 is tough for my family right now!
I've always gone along with what other family want with gatherings, because I was always trying to be flexible and agreeable (because in everyday life, I can be such a control freak!!!), but HA it would not turn out well!
So right around the time that I was getting diagnosed, in the midst of huge burnout, and identity crisis, I tried doing #6 for a family gathering this summer, and I was ignored.
And then everyone was surprised when I had a meltdown!!! I tried explaining multiple times PRIOR what I preferred and everyone blew me off, because it didn't fit in with there needs and desires. (And since they're so used to me acquiescing to what they want, why else would it be any different????)
I had low-key planned/scheduled activities (*around other people's voiced activities and plans*), but then last minute, those people would change things up without checking with me, messing up my desired scheduled and activities. Hello?!?!
So yet again, I looked like the same control freak having an "unexplainable" overreacting meltdown, just like in the past, but this time I knew *WHY*
So it didn't actually help me at all until I told them prior to the next gathering WHY I had been doing #6 and if they had a problem with it, I'm sorry, but in order to have me participate in the gatherings, we have to work on accommodating my needs for once.
So yeah, they're getting used to me verbalizing what I need and my boundaries.
But it's so hard when you have one or two family members that pretty much come in and take over and that is what i'm struggling with...the particular people that think it's okay to come in and just bulldoze over plans I already made.
Honestly, I think part of it is selfishness and self centeredness, which is how a lot of people accuse autistic people of being, but I would not even think to do what they do to me!!!
Love this video thank you!
I can deal with plans changing but I need more than 5 minutes notice. My ex boyfriend used to yell at me that I was inflexible. I just need to know what to expect.
Thank you. ❤
I learned this masking trait when I was 13 and had no idea how much it would help me- look at the forehead between the eyes and the person speaking thinks you're looking in their eyes without being weird.
I realized during the pandemic that I actually lip read a fair amount. I'm not hard of hearing or deaf, but apparently I look at mouths a lot. About that time, I was also starting to wonder, wait, how normal is my eye contact really? I hadn't thought about it. No one ever gave me trouble about it. Whether that's because it's normal or because I just found good masking easily, I'm not sure. (ADHD diagnosed; wondering if AuDHD is correct)
thank you, this is great!
thank you so much for this video ❤
If only. I work in a corporate setting, no can do. But at least I can be free out of those 8 hours. 🤪
I, too, work in the corporate world and have chosen to continue masking during the majority of my interactions.
A corporate setting (and changing within it) could definitely be tricky - let us know after you watch whether any of this seems doable there. But also hopefully outside of that, you can get more chances to try to unmask too!
In a shop of tradesmen can’t be a lot better than boardroom. Acceptable behavior is also strictly enforced by peer pressure. Family members’ deer in the headlights reactions explains what would happen at work.
I’m slowly unmasking anyway.
I generally do not like your listical videos but this one is very good and useful. Much better than the masking video.
Thankyou i needed this. Im realy nervous meeting up with my family members friend tomorrow. Last time there were several times she looked at me weird after i said things and made fun of the way i looked around by commentingto everyone how i was moving my head. I didnt think i said anything weird but obviously i did and got to comfortable and let my mask slip. As for moving my head i was concentrating on eye contact to different people trying to follow different conversations.
It's REALLY hard to just "let it go".
SO TRUE!
I'm trying to ruminate less, because it causes so much negativity. Small steps and sometimes a step back, but I'm slowly getting better at it.
I have actually asked my boss if they could pay me to stay home and make cartoons but they said no.... For some reason I thought it was going to work 😂
Great video, thank you. I need more comfortable clothes, especially for work! 😅
18:36 this part is me. It's hard; I feel like a loser when I admit that I hate the beach.
Thank you for sharing and motivating with your Insights. This video matches perfectly to my personal 2025 goal: to find out, what pieces I want to unmask and what to keep. I think there are some masks that can make live easier without needing too much energy at the same time. Sadly my brain faded out while first watch 🙂 so, I will rewatch and pick out my favourites.
Not you immediately name dropping my special inin sharks. 😂
CANT WAIT CANT WAIT CANT WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT ^_______^
Again, excellent. By the way, the Greenland shark is my favourite
I figured out small talk and why it's terrible. It's 7% of communication and I'm missing 93% of it. 38% percent is tone of voice. 55% is body language. This is just rough estimates and the values do change but it small talk those percentages are more in line. So in small talk. I hear what's being said, it's all the surface. The I'm communication my body language and tone, typically monotone. My body language and tone of voice have nothing to do with my small talk scripts. They are communicating so much more to me and I'm oblivious. So I walk away from small as confused at they do. I never thought of it like that till at work we had discussion on face to face meeting due the 93% non verbal that get lost in Teams meeting, I just sat through it uncomfortably. Now I get it why small talk is painful. I'm putting 93% more work tying figure it out. That just me using the number, but it's is a lot more energy.
Great great video, defo coming back! Btw where can i find this cube pls
needoh ice cubes and gumdrops online
The strangest thing is that I can't stand loud noises, but I also can't stand absolute silence. I HAVE to be aware of every little thing going on around me, so earplugs, or whatever makes me 'deaf', actually causes 100% anxiety for me.😅
try the latest flare prototype ear plugs with the black round foam inserts. each pair comes with 3 sizes of foam inserts. they take out the painful noise, but you can hear everything.
Man, I wish I could stay home and watch cartoons all day. *sigh* Maybe someday.
19:59 I just wandered about my nearly inexistent small circle 😢
Me too, MokaBeats
Wait a second, you're telling me this whole time sharks have been a special interest of yours that I've been following you And I never even knew that before now!?
Recognising masking in certain environments or with certain ppl is hard in the moment but I sometimes recognise it after, which is frustrating
looong time ago my ex pointed out that when I'm enjoying my meal I would tend to move side to side. after about the 3rd time she pointed it out I've not done it since 😅
I am 63 and got my diagnosis at the age of 58, in Jan 2020, 2 months before lock-down. My ... I gotta get going. Maybe I'll finish this later...
I am 3 years ahead of you, Dude!😊
I'm three years behind you
... and when you live without many close friends? Meaning, "lock-down" was not hard for me. It did not make much of a difference to my social connections....
23:32 I think I'm going on an adventure!
Small Talk about Weather - Booooooom - Info Dumb ,Weather is my special Intresst. But its very Hard to feel when I have enough I'm so used to masking in front of others and the most wont understand this.
I like to say "i am cringe, but i am free🙂↕️" sometimes i just wanna be a goofball, being forced to be serious all the time is exhausting
❤
I wish that I could be open about using weed to curb my ptsd anxiety. It has brought so much peace, calm, patience and sleep. My life works now, and I actually am happy to be alive. That's a first. But only my husband knows, bc it's illegal.
Clothing? Chris, I can not wear ANYTHING you wear😅 Must be woven cotton, not thin, and loose fitting. Usually, too big for me.😉
I made it to half way thru this video. Nope. Cant do any of these things. Maybe tomorrow.
What am I doing when I sit in the car for 15 minutes just preparing and rehearsing to go into wal mart for 5 minutes....re charging or masking
Hey, let me explain Inuyasha...😂😊
I have hsp not autism. If I would have a autistic friend or autustic relative I would be honest. Not rude.
Hi Ellen
Me too. Lots of similarities in terms of overwhelm though
@TomVable Do you like Toms the Denmark Candy? What day are you born at? I am an educated nurse assistent.
you are lucky you can choose to avoid childrens parties :D
I find your choice of mask on the thumbnail disturbing. Isn't that the Q anon face?
It reminds me of the V for Vendetta mask from a movie, though it’s possible it was adopted by that horrible group.
I never mask
Hi Chris, Is there a reason you hit yourself sometimes? It really stresses me out to see that. Is there a reason or do you leave those portions in to be funny, I don’t think it’s funny.
Are you saying blonds are toxic? 🤨
No, they use another hair colour just to show it's not Debbie but a character instead.