Which of these do YOU do? And what would you add to the list? Tell us below - we love learning so much from everyone here ❤ Here's Part 2: 30 Ways to Unmask Your Autism: th-cam.com/video/qIj_8Xs50WA/w-d-xo.html
Sometimes I am in my head and not following the conversation and I just say "yes" to things to get rid of the conversation, but I don't realise it. For example, sometimes my mother brings me a cup of tea and I'm like: "Why, I didn't want one!" and she responds: "You said yes when I asked you!"🤦♀️😂
Is it possible to have 20-25 of these and yet NOT be autistic? As a girl growing up in Salt Lake City in the 1970’s-80’s, I was aware that the social norms (particularly strong in that culture) always felt alien to me. Yet I also internalized the view that ‘polite and deferential’ = ‘good.’ While back on the other hand, smarminess is triggering to me and I place very high value on authenticity in others. I’ve spent nearly four decades since moving away trying to understand the variations in social norms in the other dozen places I’ve lived. I can blend in okay, though it seems to be obvious to others that I’m not from [wherever I’m living] originally. Since retiring a few years ago, I’ve shed a lot of my “corporate office worker” masks. The challenge remains figuring out who I am underneath. I spend most of my days watching TH-cam, mostly multi-hour livestreams of attorneys commenting on trials, hearings, and court documents. My husband looks at me like I’m crazy when I propose we listen to an attorney reacting to audio from Supreme Court hearings and explaining the nuances. I stay up WAY too late, unwilling to pause mid-video. So many of your videos resonate with me. My sister and several of my cousins have been diagnosed with ADHD, and many of my favorite TH-cam creators talk openly about their neurodivergence. Anyway, all feedback is welcome 🤷♀️💐
The number of likes you have makes me want to mention, neurodivergence relates to neurodivergence. That's an ADHD symptom. So relating to this could just as easily mean ADHD as autism.
I do that w most videos, films, etc. Also I don't process information I hear very quickly but yeah, I'm off connecting tangent to tangent to tangent but, and this important, they're all connected. And then comes the suffering of others having to listen to the logic train as it makes countless stops in apparently the middle of nowhere before circling back around. I cringe while I'm doing it. I'm cringing right now. Sigh
It's the way he talks it's kind of too much information before he gets to the point to the point where my brain just starts to wander. And it's unnecessary preliminary ideas like saying hopefully this would be helpful to you and stuff like that when there's no reason to say anything like that until the end most likely.
From "I'm normal, but a bit weird" to "it looks as if I'm high sensitive" to "probably adhd but definitely not autistic" to "damn, I think I do might have autistic traits, but I don't think I'm masking much, I mostly avoid situations" to watching this video and "f**** Thank you for your work. It helps me to discover myself
Omg so true!! Ppl tell me I behave like an alien, my face always looks like I am trying to figure something out. Then I though wow maybe I’ve HSP! And few years later now I’m bing watching autistic videos 🫠🫠
I am actually diagnosed with ADHD since I’m 6 years old, but in the last few years I realised that I’m showing traits that aren’t within the ADHD spectrum. I guess this video showed to me, that I should go to a doctor so that I can be completely sure about it 🥲
#30. Using default phrases for every situation. #29. Laughing at jokes you don't get. #28. Avoiding phone calls and texting later. *Maybe #27. Avoiding "weird" topics. #26. Pretending not to notice sensory overload. #25. Pretending I'm listening. #24. Practicing "normal" reactions in the mirror. #23. Mimicking other people's facial reactions. #22. Preparing backup conversation topics. #21. Eating food you hate to avoid awkwardness. #20. Rehearsing conversations in advance. #19. Wearing sensory unfriendly clothes. #18. Over explaining everything. #17. Changing your voice to match the situation. #16. Overthinking every social interaction. #15. Faking interest in small talk. #14. Suppressing stimming in public. #13. Replaying conversations on an endless loop. #12. Feeling like your acting all the time. #11. Not completely losing it when people misunderstand your face, body language, or tone. #10. Suppressing meltdowns or shutdowns until you're alone. #9. Pretending to be fine when you're definitely not. #8. Avoiding social events but going anyway. #7. Monitoring your tone, volume, and words constantly. #6. Rephrasing everything to be softer and less blunt. #5. Following a mental social checklist. #4. Dominating conversations because it's easier. #3. Being in constant fight or flight mode. #2. Living in a world that wasn't built for you. #1. Masking everything means relearning who I am under the mask.
Faking interest in small talk is not a sign of autism. Small talk is really not interesting and boring. I don't care if your car broke or you were again stuck in traffic. Give me some more metally interesting talk than that please.
For years with my (many) therapists, we were so confused on why I was anxious seemingly 24/7 about everything and everything. Turns out it was masking to an extreme level, where I didn't realise it and was subconsciously lying to my therapists to seem more "normal" than I actually was. After meeting my amazing autistic girlfriend, we kinda pieced things together ourselves, and I finally got diagnosed a few weeks ago! I can finally start tackling and dismantling behaviours that cause me intense anxiety and replace them with shameless authenticity. Masking helped me survive the neurotypical world, and now that I don't have to worry about surviving, I can focus on what makes me genuinely happy :)
Yeah. I've got my first therapy phone call on Tuesday, and it's going to be the #1 thing I'm going to ask to get from the process, working out who the authentic version of myself is, along with dealing with some of the shit in my childhood that has led to Anxiety.
One that I’d add is doing extensive research when you know you’re going to be in a new situation so you can look natural in the moment. (Such as looking up restaurant menus so you already know what you want when you arrive, or finding pictures of the interiors of new coffee shops before you enter, or finding videos of the dance studio you want to attend to get a feel for their dress code and how people act.)
100% do this waaaaay too often. And even when I am mega prepared for whatever social event by knowing every single beat that is going to happen throughout, I still act like I don't know the menu/itinerary/whatever just to fit in more because it would look strange if I already knew these things :p
Yes i do this all the time. If for example I need to go to a new place for work. I Google everything. Where do i park, where is the entrance, anything i think is relevant. knowledge is power
61, just going through ASD & ADHD assessment. Diagnosed with bipolar and BPD 10 years ago, fortunately this helped me retire and since I have reduced my social interaction I can spend most of my time on my specialist interests so I’m a lot calmer. Being older also enables me to be blunt, refuse social engagements and be a weird old woman. It is so liberating 😊
Maybe you help guide me here. Just diagnosed bpd (quiet type) a couple months ago (anxiety & depression forever ago). Not diagnosed ASD but wow, so many of these masking things fit me. As someone who has lived with bpd a long time, would you say, just based on your experience, that a lot of the masking traits listed could be related to your bpd, with thoughts of ASD aside. Yes, I caught that you said you are going through assessment so it wouldn't be clear-cut, but just your insight would be nice to have. Retired myself; it helps.
@@KristinaHoneyHavenFarmlots of women are misdiagnosed as BPD but have ASD and/or adhd. Happened to me but after a month long mental health rehab after an attempt. The doctor said I definitely don’t have BPD. I have a recent ADHD diagnosis and am pursuing an autism dx too.
@@KristinaHoneyHavenFarmIt is now a fairly well-known phenomenon for (especially older) people who aren't cis-het men to discover that they were refused a diagnosis of autism because they were female or because their presentation wasn't the 'standard' one - or to be misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder or some other condition. Of course, some might have BPD and ASD, but others were simply misdiagnosed in the first place. Autism is far more heterogeneous than was first realised, and many people (even experts) used outdated criteria for far too long - or were simply insufficiently trained or experienced with regard to ASD. It can still be an issue today.
I think I hit the jackpot with my job. I'm a groundskeeper so talking about the weather doesn't actually count as small talk since it actually impacts my duties
36 years old, working on my autism diagnosis now. I've masked so hard my entire life. Everyone seems shocked now when I explain to them all of my internal struggles. On the outside I only allow myself to outwardly react to really bad sensory issues. And it's usually just plugging my ears, or digging my fingers into legs under my desk if I'm at work. And if I am forced to hide my internal reactions for too long then I have to go to the bathroom to silently scream, and stim. I CAN'T do it in public! But holding in the irritations throughout the day behind a smile is so ridiculously difficult. I get home, get in my comfy clothes, and just blanket burrito away from the outside world. And going to any big event takes so much out of me that I have to stay in bed for the next 24 hours, so I don't do big group socializing very often. I'm going to rewatch this video, and then share it with my doctor. It explains everything about me so perfectly.
I thought I was "great" at socializing, but realized it was "customer service persona" I activated. I remember making a call at work, and my cube neighbor (not being unkind) laughed and said I put on my "Mom voice," when I make calls.
At 70, both my husband and I COMPLETELY relate to all 30 of these masking issues and too many others we've run across to count. At our age, there's absolutely no point in spending the time and money for us to get a definitive diagnosis. From watching countless videos like yours, we agree that we have both been high masking neurodivergent and just thought we were born on the wrong planet. Thanks for all you do, Chris!
SAME! I'm 65 and now realise I have ADHD and ASD too. My son was diagnosed with ADHD at 9 and Asperger's at 13 ..... don't know what it would achieve now if I sought a dx at this time.
And I bet that when you two met it clicked absolutely right away 😄 Now that I know I'm autistic, I realize that friends whom I experienced this phenomenon with are in fact all neurodivergent lol
We suspect my husband is autistic and have been enjoying your videos. My hubby calls you the Ryan Reynolds of autism. (I, of course, do not know what he means by that but I know he means it complimentary, so I thought I'd share). Keep up the great content, you're helping so many of us feel our way in the dark.
Your content has been saving my life since 2024. I'm 42 now, and I want you to know how grateful I am for your videos. Thank you from the bottom of my anxiety riddled heart. 💜
I say "uh... interesting" way too often 😮 😅 I'm with you with the small talk and that my face is just my face. Overexplainer and giving the whole back story while watching facial expressions wondering when I'd get to the point. Overthinker and overanalyzer in social interactions for the win! However, I think being an introvert contributes to that? Monitoring my tone, volume, and rephrasing things as well as overthinking that the delivery may be taken out of context. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is the bane of my existence. Being in constant survival mode is also extremely exhausting. Awesome content! I'm downloading this checklist!
My general strategy is to avoid social situations if at all possible. I always say something dumb or overshare when I casually chat with people. And afterwards I waste a lot of energy beating myself up about it. So avoidance has become my choice. Of course I realize there's a price to pay for that too. It's a struggle. 🙁
Thank you for this and for sharing your updates - now a whole new stage of relearning and self discovery! ❤️ We're here for you with that journey - went through it myself not too long ago, and still an ongoing learning process 🙂
Unmasking is a strange subject and probably has too many unique qualities to each individual to describe definitively. Masking is still habitual or necessary while unmasking. I have heard different periods from accepting Autism to unmasking that vary person to person. It must depend on so many variables and can be turbulent. I have found my most rewarding part of my experience is talking with other people with Autism. It is so good. I still forget and do the stuff I usually do, then remember or are reminded I don't have to. A five minute conversation including all the overthinking and over-sharing with a person with Autism can feel more rewarding than so many others (i didn't know how to end that sentence). Between `info dumping`, `over stimulation` and `meltdowns`, it can be a reward that is much needed and cathartic.
Diagnosed age 24 after spiralling at university due to being unable to meet the increased expectations. Got through my entire childhood being told my symptoms were "learned behaviour" and to "stop copying your younger brother". Thanks mum
Funniest part? Mum got diagnosed with AuDHD in her late 50s and became an overnight expert. Suddenly, everything she said or did was because of it, and she used the diagnosis to excuse some heinous behaviour and actions. I'm pretty sure she's got some NPD or BPD going on as well
@@wennapeters115 oh no 😩 that's worse.. yeah - it explains so much but make dumb excuses instead of reflecting and maybe say sorry once in a while with the hope to understand and get better....hmpf 😓
OMG, you nailed it! I would add: Always asking questions of others so I don’t have to talk. Because you’re right, most people just want to talk about themselves. Now all I have to do is nod and smile every now and then. Occasionally I get caught not paying attention to what they’re saying while I’m doing this. That’s awkward and embarrassing. But I can’t for the life of me keep my brain focused on what other people are saying if it isn’t more powerful than what’s going on inside my brain at that moment. Which is usually rethinking over and over if what I just said was interpreted correctly or not, OR I went down a mental rabbit hole about a detail they mentioned that got me thinking about something completely off topic to the conversation at hand. It’s what I call a hashtag of thought; somebody mentions something in passing but the keyword makes me think of EVERYTHING I associate with that word. AND now I just missed whatever the hell it was they’ve been saying the last five minutes. Quick, make eye contact! Nod and smile! Ask another question! It’s exhausting! It’s easier to just stay at home. BTW, I’m 63 years old and want a formal diagnosis. Where can I find someone that understands high masking females? I live in East Central Illinois. Does anyone do it virtually? I’m on SSDI Medicare.
Sorry to hear about your health issues - we haven't done a video on this topic yet, but we have read in research that substance abuse (including alcohol) is very common, especially when undiagnosed. It's almost used like a form of self-medication for many autistic people. Hopefully things are improving for you but wanted you to know you're not alone on that.
@@Lev-t2t I'm happy you don't have to deal with alcohol. Sadly as a 5'3" rail thin woman I could out drink a 6' tall man easily. For me it started with numbing out the pain and then straight into oblivion.
I've had a very solitary life, partly due to ME/CFS but also needing to avoid humans in groups. I can engage with one other person at a time, over coffee, in a quiet place, for about an hour. Avoidance brings peace, contentment and sometimes incredible loneliness. Another planet, yes. Thank you so much for the excellent videos. XX
Everything here hit home. Ive never felt so understood. I have this impulse to send this video to everyone im close to but i know theyd never watch it because they dont really give a crap what i go through or why i am the way i am. Im the only one that cares that im autistic.
My experience of many people is it can seem they don't readily like getting involved in other peoples issues and can react in a way that accumulates over time to feel at damage levels. As Autistic you can put on the show that all is OK while underneath is so tumultuous (look again at #9 13:34). Not all people can recognize hidden issues and some may fear them, avoiding or distracting themselves from engaging them with you. Many people Autistic and otherwise will resonate with your comment. I realized from what you describe, well knew I had always felt alone, lonely in my family, lonely in a relationship, lonely socializing, lonely in a crowd. I recognized some of my best memories and moments were largely whilst alone. I by no means have cracked the code but, I try to accept being alone more readily without expectations of others and if something happens with someone it is nice. We all differ and I don't want to sound like minimizing the effect this is has upon you because it is real. But, if you can find any way to not let it bother you as much by being unrecognized by those close to you it could be some rest and relief you deserve and need for yourself.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you, Chris and Debby! You have given our daughter a voice and opened up topics for conversations in our family on how to spot when our people-pleasing girl is masking, overwhelmed, or experiencing life in anxiety inducing ways we aren't aware of. She watches some of your videos with us and is able to point out what parts are true for her. We are so grateful to you! ❤
Yay, so glad you enjoyed it and found it helpful! We have Part 2 coming next week - stay tuned! 👀 And also hoping as more people watch, they can understand that internal hidden struggle more for all of us 🙂
This Video made me cry so much. My therapist had the gut feeling i might be autistic and since then i am researching, trying to figure out how to deal with that. And this video made me feel so seen like i finally can get help with the most inner problems of myself. ❤ also- the timing was perfect, my therapist told me about his gut feeling just a week ago
Thank you so much for making this and sharing. Apart from the fabric sensitivity, I'm exactly the same as the rest of the list. I'm 36 and only recently realised I'm autistic and not an alien. Thanks again.
Every. Single. One. Feeling like an alien? It's not only my feeling. Growing up, my older brother was convinced I was adopted. My younger brother had a theory I was an alien who came to planet Earth to study humans. I don't blame him, it's kind of true.
Omg I thought I was adopted too! Until I looked at family pictures...the resemblance was to obvious. So than I just thought something is wrong with me😐
All check. One of my nicknames was "alien" when I was a teenager. One day my uncle pointed out that I was always imitating someone. He told me be yourself. But being myself never worked.
One and two are literally a one-two punch. Being an alien and having to rediscover yourself and what is actually you. It was weird to start thinking about all that, since I deemed my authenticity to be one of my greatest strengths. And suddenly that all gets flipped upside down. I didn’t realise just how much I masked until I _really_ looked into it.
The small talk kills me. And yes. Answer the phone! Eff no. Pretending I am listening yep! Love ❤️ your humour. Being an alien on earth was my lifelong inner feeling. As a child I even told people I was from the planet of the cat people! And getting diagnosed at age 62. My masking has so many tricks of the trade
I'm in tears right now, because I'm doing all this all my life (II'm 55, f), but except for my wonderful husband, no one believes me. I was tested and was told it's anxiety. A classic. But at least I know now, I'm not alone. Thank you.
They love to tell us (women) we're just having anxiety. (among other "proofs" we can't be autistic. I think my favourite was: "You're intelligent and making jokes, you can't be autistic!" which infuriate me like crazy. My bestfriend is autistic and one of the smartest and funniest guy I know)
@@maewanplay Thank you for your reply. Yes, I've heard that one (the "you can laugh and make jokes" thing) a couple of times.. I know, they don't mean to be rude and are just unaware, but it hurts nontheless.
Thank you for this list, ill show it to my family, and maybe it will help in their understanding of my transfer from my old me to the new me. Im 42 and i got my autism diagnose november 2024.
I do all of them. Had to lauph a lot during the video. Thank you so much for doing these videos, it helps so much after years of thinking I was the only alien. Even when my son got diagnosed, the symptoms did not match 100% for me ( a women) i did not realize I was autistic as well. It is such a relief to know that all of these stressors are part of my brain being the way it is... not my diet, not my work life balance, not trauma (alone)... I have always been this way. I remeber one of the calmest years I had was when i decided to not talk actively for a year as a child. It was bliss.
Number 9. pretending to b fine when you're definitely not fine, yeah that's me so much. I often do things that i don't know how to do, I'm very unsure, and just try to act like I'm not freaking out. My poor husband has to hear so much about every conversation i have basically lol, i think about it so much and it really helps me to talk things out and get an outside perspective. It's so dam hard not to just talk about autism, ADHD, psychology all the time and even like relationship dynamics, i find that fascinating but people don't wish to discuss it, most unfortunate. Thank you for your content this was really helpful to me. I think i will show my mom and maybe my boss. I've finally started to stim sometimes, like i started pacing when outside or in presence of certain others. I sing and do repetitive annoying things sometimes. I feel like I've come a long way. And also starting to recognize sensory sensitivities and do something to help like wear sunglasses, get away from sounds, comfy clothes, removing tags, etc.
Luv you. Thanks to you and Debbie for explaining autism in a usable, functional way that has helped so many of us stop feeling so DYSfunctional. OMG. So many things you say hit home!!!!
I work in a grocery store that is focused on engaging the customers so 5 days a week I have an average of 250 conversations. I'm often used as an example of how to interact with customers but they don't understand it's all masking. I use a series of catch phrases & info dumping to entertain the customer through the interaction. My main point is about the torture of having said something off like the example given of "enjoy your flight" "you too". As the customer leaves one of my closings is "enjoy your food" & most of the time they reply "you too". When I bring this stuff up coworkers imply I'm the only one that notices this stuff. My conclusion is that NT's don't think about conversations nearly as much so those times you or I beat ourselves up about saying something off it's likely only us that noticed. So while it's fair to be disappointed with messing up the exchange you also deserve credit for the awareness that you had.
Thank you for the video! The same here. I was diagnosed with ASD when I was over 40 and at the same time realised that I am actually highly gifted. I've been working on this and on myself for years now. It's not always easy. Fortunately, I also have a very loving and similarly wired partner (my wife and I never mask in front of each other). Unfortunately, I know the whole range of masking strategies you described really well. Especially when you have to perform in a professional environment. The most difficult time was my professional years abroad, where I went so far as to imitate the language and accents to absolute perfection, eating food I didn't like with a smile on my face, etc. Just so that I didn't stand out, so that people wouldn't talk to me about being different. At the time, I was also in a relationship where I masked myself completely, 100% of the time. Truthfully, I didn’t even like her, but the relationship came about due to a chain of masking missteps that spiralled out of control, dragging me deeper into the situation. I felt like an actor on stage, performing in an endless play. Of course, it didn't go well (anxiety disorder, burnout). Fortunately, that was many years ago. But I still shudder when I think about it. My wife and I really enjoy watching your channel. It's so likeable, always funny and makes us laugh - we can totally identify with it. Keep up the good work!
I've been fired for messing up socially, and no amount of paperwork proving that you're autistic can save you from it. It's unfair and illegal, and it's happened to me at least twice...
Some of theses are so on the nose for me, I've been enjoying watching while alone so I can absorb the information better. I can belly laugh, analyze, ruminate, pontificate, look at it from all angles, and remember my own situations where I've done things like these, then end up back at a belly laugh alone while feeling completely understood at the same time. Thank you so much for this. I'm turning 48 soon so I can relate to the "late diagnosis" part of things.
Thank you again for making videos that make so many of us feel seen. I left my teaching job after 17 years of serious constant masking and self diagnosed this past summer. I am now working from home and sleep better, have a better relationship with my kids and husband, and have really tried to accept who I am and what I need and advocate for that, respectfully. It’s a process but I feel like it gets easier every day. Thank you thank you thank you for your work.
#1 for sure! Decades of masking especially as a retail manager… 😭😫 Burnt out and completely unaware of who I am or was. After years of uncovering and reacquainting I’m feeling much better and more like myself.
OMG so many of these make up my life! If I'd only understood how to manage before I gave up on work and retired. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 40s. The first employer I told literally flipped out and yelled I was "up to something" because me claiming I had Asperger's was BS and must be some kind of scam because I couldn't be a mediator and administrative law judge and be disabled! So, I never told another employer and by age 54 gave up on work, not understanding anything about masking or burnout. Two years ago, I discovered people like you here on TH-cam and have learned SO MUCH.
Oh my God! I do or have done at one point every one of these. I thought it was just me being weird and “broken”! I never understood why I struggled to “know myself “ my entire life - crippling existential crisis. Now I understand why. Your videos have been so so helpful for me. Thank you for your content. I think you guys should write a book or workbook for the newly diagnosed.
I've been researching autism lately, the more I learn the more I think I might have autism. Everything you mentioned in this video is something I regularly do and have done for as long as I can remember.
Neurodiverse here. Thank you for the relatable video. I agree with how all the symptoms might appear that way at first. I think they are all related to communication skills that many high-function neurodiverse can learn. By learning about ourselves and our triggers and spending more time alone in different situations, we can learn about our touch, vision, and auditory to emotional triggers. It is possible to better explain our situation to our loved ones, minimize the possibility of overstimulation, and become more authentic. In my experience, I realize I was unfair for people close to me and myself to always mask.
What a great video. Thank you man, I knew a lot of this already, being 52 and having had the realization of being autistic some 12 years ago, and picking up the pieces afterward, but still a feast of recognition! And so well done. 👍
I repeat things/phrases/jokes I said in conversations that got big reactions out of people, when I'm alone after. It's compulsive, like I'm either reviewing going "was that ok?" or "you did GREAT there"
There is a possibility that I have autism. The diagnostic starts next week. But the more I look into the topic, the more I recognize myself. This is currently leading to emotional ups and downs. Normal people would probably let the topic rest until they are diagnosed or at least until it no longer weighs them down, but I can't really let the topic rest right now. Yesterday I saw this video and it made me smile a lot. Today I had a meltdown because it upset me so much. I don't know who I am, how I appear to others - I'm afraid to leave the house or meet people.
All of these hit like a rock. You made me laugh, you made me tear up then smile again. Thank you for sharing your experience and with so much humour - which definitely is essential to survive this unknown land.
Oh man do I realllllly appreciate you sharing this! It’s rare to have someone speak to my inner experiences so eloquently. And with humor to boot! Very, very helpful. Thank you.
The expressions practice soooo much! I will think of things people might say to me or things that might happen and then practice reacting. I have a very stern face as well and a naturally flat effect. I worked customer service and retail for many years and the constant full strength masking for so long was SO draining! I have a job now caring for rescue cats and it's a lot more physically involved than my other jobs were and yet I come home from a shift feeling content. I don't have to act around them and we understand each other.
I hate when people ask you questions, but they're expecting their version of answers. Especially when they cut you off and not want to take the time to understand what you really wanted to say.
Wow. I have now realized that I fit ALL of your points. I'm still learning about my autism about which I didn't know I have it for 38 years. But since I've known, everything makes sense.
This is wonderful. I snort laughed through most of it. I was not diagnosed properly until 48 years old!!!! I always felt bad about myself because I always felt like a "fake" but it was so freeing to understand it was masking. It also explained exhaustion and no longer apologize for taking down times. This one is 100% accurate!!!!!!!!!! People really do not understand how much energy is involved. The #1 part was the bomb. I've been relearning who I am and it's been more relaxing. IF others still dont' understand, oh well. :)
M64 diagnosed 4 years ago. 23/30. Autistic, high-medium OCD. I've been lucky that my special interest, hyperfocus, OCD, and hyperlexia actually boosted my career and then helped me to replace it with an even more satisfying one. There've been plenty of drawbacks, pain, and heartache but taken all around I wouldn't change it. Having a Memory Lane that's 60 years long has been an interesting exploration of a path I thought I knew.
I do all of these I just laughed out loud!😂 Honestly I really like to hear other people put the feelings and experiences I've had in to words I have not been able to find to explain to others what it's like. I truly appreciate these videos....
What a superbly put together video. The pace, flow, editing is awesome even removing the gaps in dialogue was OK (usually quite distracting for me). I know the subject matter is serious, but you allowed me to laugh a recognizing myself in situations that I have found unpleasant. I needed this. This is my 1st video of yours and you are a very nice, kind man. I don't seek sympathy I can deal with most stuff myself but it can be hard and a video like yours shines the light of hope on the day. Thank you.
Oh, by the way, when you’re talking about saying you too when someone said, have a nice flight….. that’s the kind of thing that happens to me. Also I’m so used to saying I love you when I hang up the phone that I had a telehealth doctors appointment yesterday morning and at the end of the conversation, I caught myself right after I quietly told my doctor I love you because I’m so used to ending my conversations with. I love you because I’m usually talking to close friends or family.
All of them... and I laugh a lot! thank you! I'm thinking about masking joy's reaction : usually I'm neutral, and calm, but when I have a good news, I jump, I laugh, I make gesture of victory... but only when I'm alone. I also make a lot of faces, alone.
Brilliant list well-explained - I'll be eagerly awaiting the "how to unmask" video, because #1 is a doozy. I sometimes feel like I'm one of the _Madagascar_ penguins: "just smile and wave, boys, smile and wave." And is it "pretending to listen" if you don't know you're not actually listening until something happens to drag your mind back to the present?, Usually, though, I'm on it - you'll never know you're on my "dead to me" list because I'll still be smilling, nodding, and making smalltalk just like I do with everyone else. I have made myself an expert at NT verbal communication, which works brilliantly just so long as I don't run into a problem with the non-verbal stuff or lose concentration. Then I'm inclined to freeze up - "I can't use this simple word because it doesn't have the correct nuance, but I think the correct word will probably sound too erudite for most of this audience, help!", or "would it be appropriate to mention that I wrote a poem in Middle English for my daughter's 18th birthday? Have I missed my slot while trying to decide?" Oh, and you mentioned clouds. In the language I made up (including its non-European grammar and script), I have more than 50 words for types and features of clouds - and I'm not even particularly interested in them! 😂
I've learned to move the right muscles around my eyes so my smile seems to be genuine, even if I don't feel it in that moment. It helped in situations like job interviews. Took quite some hours of training in front of the mirror though
I act like an exaggerated version of myself in many conversations all the time. I may really feel caring and interested, but I usually have to dial up the twinkly vivaciousness (but not too much) to appear almost normal. I've only this year realized this act I put on to blend in... not always successfully. I'm realizing now that this is heavily ingrained masking.
Ah, yes, the Duchenne smile. I practiced in front of the mirror hours enough until I mastered it. The perfect amount of contraction of the orbicularis oculi muscle, the exact amount of crows feet to look sincere but avoiding to fully close my eyes and ruin the pboto, the right amount of tension on my zygomatics in order to symmetrically rise my lip commisures in a cute way, not too gummy not too psychopath smile. All this with a printed image of _Human Facial Muscles_ sticked to my mirror because I' m an anatomy nerd but I cannot share my passion with anyone. Facial expressions feel like perfecting the positions of a karate kata. And muscles hurt and the end of the day...
Good god, #1 really hit home for me. Since my diagnosis last July, I’ve been trying to peel off the layers of masking that have built up over 62 years of living. It’s incredibly difficult figuring out what goes and what stays. But I just started Adderall for my ADHD, and that’s helping immensely. I now have the bandwidth to live life AND do the work necessary to figure out the true me. This was a great, informative video. Thank you.
Number 24 is why I take selfies - practicing facial expressions, trying to make them look natural and "right" for whatever I'm "supposed to" be feeling.
Thank you very much for the video. I am 35 years old and I have almost forgotten who I am. I seem to have grown into the mask of a "normal" person over all these years. Now I will remember who I am, I will gradually return to myself.
I love your videos!! This one, I noticed you called yourself an idiot a few times. Self-compassion is a blessing. We are simply replaying the tapes of NT people who were training us to mask. I get that it was supposed to be funny, and it was, it was also jarring to me. I hope all is well. Thank you for what you do!!!
I do almost all of these, and I love your presentation. I do not practice facial expressions in the mirror, and I rarely dominate conversations. But, everything else--yep. I burst out laughing at: "customer service voice, activated." Because, YES. "Fun is supposed to be fun." This statement was made to me by a friend who understands autism and understood why I was feeling anxious regarding an upcoming "fun" social event. Before I realized I was autistic (a discovery I made only about 3 months ago), I thought I was just terrible at doing "fun." Now I know that what is "fun" for most people is actually work for me, and the fact that I'd literally much rather re-organize a room than play a board game with the family does not mean I'm broken. This simple but profound (for me) statement, "fun is supposed to be fun," is helping me discover what I actually enjoy (as opposed to what I thought I was supposed to enjoy).
@@shawnaford5540 Nor mine. I do not enjoy big social gatherings. I do not enjoy small social gatherings of people I don't know. It is my current mission to discover what things I do think are fun.
I was diagnosed at 16 over three thousand years ago, and I am still finding out more things. I did not know so many of these things were masking! It's so accurate it hurts.
Omg... this is confronting... and I'm not autistic.. maybe...but a doctor let me make some (online) tests years back to check, because he thought I maybe had autism. But the questions to me were to confusing, cause every question I over analyzed and the questions could be interpreted multiple ways (at least to me, like almost every question).... I'm in my 40s and maybe I'll have to do some more tests again....😬🙄 My biggest mask is know a lot about almost every topic, from medical to weather 😂 I will look up everything I hear or heard about and learn the ins and outs...I also just want to know everything that is possible The hardest to me is to look some one in the eyes..I never know how long and when not or when to, and then I will overthink it and I start to think I'm looking weird at someone..i hate it😂(it even makes me dizzy) The weirdest thing is that I really hate structure. It's the opposite of "normal" autism (to like structure). I never ever go to bed at the same time, every day is different. I tried going to bed at a certain time, but that led to many many sleepless nights.
really nice presentation. I know the home clips are time consuming, but they make for such a great visual flow. congratulations for hitting 60K subscribers and 165 comments in the first few hours after posting.
Wow thank you Chris and Debby for taking the time to include these really useful resources! (why does that sound sarcastic? Idk but for the record, it is not, I genuinely appreciate the added help and resources included in the description, so thank you!
Listen here. You have the most adorable wife!!!! I'm autistic, so I'm allowed to suddenly change the subject. 😅 For serious: you're an awesome guy. I got to 75 before learning about high-masking autism and because everything suddenly fell right into place I could just throw off the masking thing and be who I am. I'm a high-performing autistic person, and I've achieved a lot in my life. The bummers were intimate relationships. But I'm now happy and doing what I love doing. You and your wife are GEMS. (I've been married for 15 years, got divorced on the advice of a clinical psychologist, and have been on my own ever since. You have a wife who knows and understands you. I was not so lucky.
You are hilarious!! 😂 And too many of these are relatable, especially the rehearsing conversations and my brain going **bzzzzzzt** in the middle of listening to someone.
Which of these do YOU do? And what would you add to the list? Tell us below - we love learning so much from everyone here ❤
Here's Part 2: 30 Ways to Unmask Your Autism: th-cam.com/video/qIj_8Xs50WA/w-d-xo.html
@donnaml8776 it's under the What's Next link. :) He might have added it after the live.
@@moongardenglowyou must be me
Sometimes I am in my head and not following the conversation and I just say "yes" to things to get rid of the conversation, but I don't realise it. For example, sometimes my mother brings me a cup of tea and I'm like: "Why, I didn't want one!" and she responds: "You said yes when I asked you!"🤦♀️😂
Is it possible to have 20-25 of these and yet NOT be autistic?
As a girl growing up in Salt Lake City in the 1970’s-80’s, I was aware that the social norms (particularly strong in that culture) always felt alien to me. Yet I also internalized the view that ‘polite and deferential’ = ‘good.’ While back on the other hand, smarminess is triggering to me and I place very high value on authenticity in others.
I’ve spent nearly four decades since moving away trying to understand the variations in social norms in the other dozen places I’ve lived. I can blend in okay, though it seems to be obvious to others that I’m not from [wherever I’m living] originally.
Since retiring a few years ago, I’ve shed a lot of my “corporate office worker” masks. The challenge remains figuring out who I am underneath.
I spend most of my days watching TH-cam, mostly multi-hour livestreams of attorneys commenting on trials, hearings, and court documents. My husband looks at me like I’m crazy when I propose we listen to an attorney reacting to audio from Supreme Court hearings and explaining the nuances. I stay up WAY too late, unwilling to pause mid-video.
So many of your videos resonate with me. My sister and several of my cousins have been diagnosed with ADHD, and many of my favorite TH-cam creators talk openly about their neurodivergence.
Anyway, all feedback is welcome 🤷♀️💐
@@donnaml8776 Hi, there's a _link_ to it in the description, you just have to give your name and email to download it.
Who else tuned out on a thought tangent and realized 3 items later that they had stopped listening and had to rewind? Lol.
The number of likes you have makes me want to mention, neurodivergence relates to neurodivergence. That's an ADHD symptom. So relating to this could just as easily mean ADHD as autism.
I do that w most videos, films, etc. Also I don't process information I hear very quickly but yeah, I'm off connecting tangent to tangent to tangent but, and this important, they're all connected.
And then comes the suffering of others having to listen to the logic train as it makes countless stops in apparently the middle of nowhere before circling back around. I cringe while I'm doing it. I'm cringing right now. Sigh
@@WynneLI relate to that. You're good, I can't usually keep it this simple and brief. Good setup and follow through
Many times 😂😂
It's the way he talks it's kind of too much information before he gets to the point to the point where my brain just starts to wander. And it's unnecessary preliminary ideas like saying hopefully this would be helpful to you and stuff like that when there's no reason to say anything like that until the end most likely.
From "I'm normal, but a bit weird" to "it looks as if I'm high sensitive" to "probably adhd but definitely not autistic" to "damn, I think I do might have autistic traits, but I don't think I'm masking much, I mostly avoid situations" to watching this video and "f****
Thank you for your work. It helps me to discover myself
Omg so true!! Ppl tell me I behave like an alien, my face always looks like I am trying to figure something out. Then I though wow maybe I’ve HSP! And few years later now I’m bing watching autistic videos 🫠🫠
This!!
I am actually diagnosed with ADHD since I’m 6 years old, but in the last few years I realised that I’m showing traits that aren’t within the ADHD spectrum.
I guess this video showed to me, that I should go to a doctor so that I can be completely sure about it 🥲
#30. Using default phrases for every situation.
#29. Laughing at jokes you don't get.
#28. Avoiding phone calls and texting later. *Maybe
#27. Avoiding "weird" topics.
#26. Pretending not to notice sensory overload.
#25. Pretending I'm listening.
#24. Practicing "normal" reactions in the mirror.
#23. Mimicking other people's facial reactions.
#22. Preparing backup conversation topics.
#21. Eating food you hate to avoid awkwardness.
#20. Rehearsing conversations in advance.
#19. Wearing sensory unfriendly clothes.
#18. Over explaining everything.
#17. Changing your voice to match the situation.
#16. Overthinking every social interaction.
#15. Faking interest in small talk.
#14. Suppressing stimming in public.
#13. Replaying conversations on an endless loop.
#12. Feeling like your acting all the time.
#11. Not completely losing it when people misunderstand your face, body language, or tone.
#10. Suppressing meltdowns or shutdowns until you're alone.
#9. Pretending to be fine when you're definitely not.
#8. Avoiding social events but going anyway.
#7. Monitoring your tone, volume, and words constantly.
#6. Rephrasing everything to be softer and less blunt.
#5. Following a mental social checklist.
#4. Dominating conversations because it's easier.
#3. Being in constant fight or flight mode.
#2. Living in a world that wasn't built for you.
#1. Masking everything means relearning who I am under the mask.
Thank you.
Faking interest in small talk is not a sign of autism. Small talk is really not interesting and boring. I don't care if your car broke or you were again stuck in traffic. Give me some more metally interesting talk than that please.
#? Preferring to read a list while the video is paused, then go back to the video so I know what’s coming up. Thanks for this!
Thank you!
Thank you !
For years with my (many) therapists, we were so confused on why I was anxious seemingly 24/7 about everything and everything. Turns out it was masking to an extreme level, where I didn't realise it and was subconsciously lying to my therapists to seem more "normal" than I actually was. After meeting my amazing autistic girlfriend, we kinda pieced things together ourselves, and I finally got diagnosed a few weeks ago! I can finally start tackling and dismantling behaviours that cause me intense anxiety and replace them with shameless authenticity. Masking helped me survive the neurotypical world, and now that I don't have to worry about surviving, I can focus on what makes me genuinely happy :)
Hells yeah, friend! 🙌🙌🙌
The number one is really the most difficult thing, for me, knowing who I really am, without trying to control, simply being me...
Just coming to that same realization in recent weeks. Dang. Really wasn't expecting the 16 hr nap to apply to me, but I think you nailed it!
Yeah. I've got my first therapy phone call on Tuesday, and it's going to be the #1 thing I'm going to ask to get from the process, working out who the authentic version of myself is, along with dealing with some of the shit in my childhood that has led to Anxiety.
A plus seeing directly pure consciousness sat chit Ananda or whatever
Your comment made me cry - ❤❤❤❤ to you!
Relating a lot
@@inesmanui ho no 😲
I only hope that it was kind of a positive cry, like a relief🤍
One that I’d add is doing extensive research when you know you’re going to be in a new situation so you can look natural in the moment. (Such as looking up restaurant menus so you already know what you want when you arrive, or finding pictures of the interiors of new coffee shops before you enter, or finding videos of the dance studio you want to attend to get a feel for their dress code and how people act.)
100% do this waaaaay too often. And even when I am mega prepared for whatever social event by knowing every single beat that is going to happen throughout, I still act like I don't know the menu/itinerary/whatever just to fit in more because it would look strange if I already knew these things :p
I do this. I never thought of it as a masking prep thing, lol.
My life got way less stressful when I started doing this! One less variable to be on guard for.
Damn I though this is normal??
Yes i do this all the time. If for example I need to go to a new place for work. I Google everything. Where do i park, where is the entrance, anything i think is relevant. knowledge is power
61, just going through ASD & ADHD assessment. Diagnosed with bipolar and BPD 10 years ago, fortunately this helped me retire and since I have reduced my social interaction I can spend most of my time on my specialist interests so I’m a lot calmer. Being older also enables me to be blunt, refuse social engagements and be a weird old woman. It is so liberating 😊
Maybe you help guide me here. Just diagnosed bpd (quiet type) a couple months ago (anxiety & depression forever ago). Not diagnosed ASD but wow, so many of these masking things fit me. As someone who has lived with bpd a long time, would you say, just based on your experience, that a lot of the masking traits listed could be related to your bpd, with thoughts of ASD aside. Yes, I caught that you said you are going through assessment so it wouldn't be clear-cut, but just your insight would be nice to have. Retired myself; it helps.
I’m 59 and say what I think now. No longer a door mat. Masking no more is refreshing.
@@KristinaHoneyHavenFarmlots of women are misdiagnosed as BPD but have ASD and/or adhd. Happened to me but after a month long mental health rehab after an attempt. The doctor said I definitely don’t have BPD. I have a recent ADHD diagnosis and am pursuing an autism dx too.
@@NightMystique13 Thanks for sharing your experience! Every little bit helps me piece this puzzle of myself together.
@@KristinaHoneyHavenFarmIt is now a fairly well-known phenomenon for (especially older) people who aren't cis-het men to discover that they were refused a diagnosis of autism because they were female or because their presentation wasn't the 'standard' one - or to be misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder or some other condition.
Of course, some might have BPD and ASD, but others were simply misdiagnosed in the first place.
Autism is far more heterogeneous than was first realised, and many people (even experts) used outdated criteria for far too long - or were simply insufficiently trained or experienced with regard to ASD. It can still be an issue today.
"anyone else is pissed off by the lack of symmetry of this place?" 🤣🤣 I felt so identified with this
I think I hit the jackpot with my job. I'm a groundskeeper so talking about the weather doesn't actually count as small talk since it actually impacts my duties
My family had a lot of amateur meteorologists, plus one professional one. Weather was a special interest!
😂👍🏼
36 years old, working on my autism diagnosis now. I've masked so hard my entire life. Everyone seems shocked now when I explain to them all of my internal struggles. On the outside I only allow myself to outwardly react to really bad sensory issues. And it's usually just plugging my ears, or digging my fingers into legs under my desk if I'm at work. And if I am forced to hide my internal reactions for too long then I have to go to the bathroom to silently scream, and stim. I CAN'T do it in public! But holding in the irritations throughout the day behind a smile is so ridiculously difficult. I get home, get in my comfy clothes, and just blanket burrito away from the outside world. And going to any big event takes so much out of me that I have to stay in bed for the next 24 hours, so I don't do big group socializing very often. I'm going to rewatch this video, and then share it with my doctor. It explains everything about me so perfectly.
I thought I was "great" at socializing, but realized it was "customer service persona" I activated. I remember making a call at work, and my cube neighbor (not being unkind) laughed and said I put on my "Mom voice," when I make calls.
I thought that would be normal to have a telephone-voice :'))) I do that, too
@@dn3305 Yeah, I'm not sure if it's a typical thing, but one more for me in the column of possible masking😂
At 70, both my husband and I COMPLETELY relate to all 30 of these masking issues and too many others we've run across to count. At our age, there's absolutely no point in spending the time and money for us to get a definitive diagnosis. From watching countless videos like yours, we agree that we have both been high masking neurodivergent and just thought we were born on the wrong planet. Thanks for all you do, Chris!
SAME! I'm 65 and now realise I have ADHD and ASD too. My son was diagnosed with ADHD at 9 and Asperger's at 13 ..... don't know what it would achieve now if I sought a dx at this time.
And I bet that when you two met it clicked absolutely right away 😄
Now that I know I'm autistic, I realize that friends whom I experienced this phenomenon with are in fact all neurodivergent lol
We suspect my husband is autistic and have been enjoying your videos. My hubby calls you the Ryan Reynolds of autism. (I, of course, do not know what he means by that but I know he means it complimentary, so I thought I'd share). Keep up the great content, you're helping so many of us feel our way in the dark.
Maybe because he sounds like Ryan R, speaks like him? Just a guess from a fellow autistic.
So funny, I just said in my head he reminds me of Ryan! 😂
Your content has been saving my life since 2024. I'm 42 now, and I want you to know how grateful I am for your videos. Thank you from the bottom of my anxiety riddled heart. 💜
I say "uh... interesting" way too often 😮
😅 I'm with you with the small talk and that my face is just my face.
Overexplainer and giving the whole back story while watching facial expressions wondering when I'd get to the point.
Overthinker and overanalyzer in social interactions for the win! However, I think being an introvert contributes to that?
Monitoring my tone, volume, and rephrasing things as well as overthinking that the delivery may be taken out of context.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop is the bane of my existence. Being in constant survival mode is also extremely exhausting.
Awesome content! I'm downloading this checklist!
My general strategy is to avoid social situations if at all possible. I always say something dumb or overshare when I casually chat with people. And afterwards I waste a lot of energy beating myself up about it. So avoidance has become my choice. Of course I realize there's a price to pay for that too. It's a struggle. 🙁
💯
I have chronic migraines and I have on more then one occasion used that to get out of social situations.
I can't wait! Just got my ASD diagnosis (on top of my ADHD) yesterday, at 57 years old!
Love the content that you guys make! ❤
Thank you for this and for sharing your updates - now a whole new stage of relearning and self discovery! ❤️ We're here for you with that journey - went through it myself not too long ago, and still an ongoing learning process 🙂
Huge congratulations 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Congrats!
That's great! I was told I didn't need to pursue an Autism Dx because why? (By my ADHD evaluator)
Where I live, there is zero benefit to an official diagnosis according to my doctors.
I am very happy that it will help you wherever you live.😃👍
All of them. Would love to hear about learning to unmask and identifying when it’s accomplished. So so hard at age 60 +
Unmasking is a strange subject and probably has too many unique qualities to each individual to describe definitively. Masking is still habitual or necessary while unmasking. I have heard different periods from accepting Autism to unmasking that vary person to person. It must depend on so many variables and can be turbulent. I have found my most rewarding part of my experience is talking with other people with Autism. It is so good. I still forget and do the stuff I usually do, then remember or are reminded I don't have to. A five minute conversation including all the overthinking and over-sharing with a person with Autism can feel more rewarding than so many others (i didn't know how to end that sentence). Between `info dumping`, `over stimulation` and `meltdowns`, it can be a reward that is much needed and cathartic.
Diagnosed age 24 after spiralling at university due to being unable to meet the increased expectations. Got through my entire childhood being told my symptoms were "learned behaviour" and to "stop copying your younger brother". Thanks mum
Om I am so sorry your mom did not take you serious, too :(( mine said: "you just want to go to therapy because your sister was!"
Funniest part? Mum got diagnosed with AuDHD in her late 50s and became an overnight expert. Suddenly, everything she said or did was because of it, and she used the diagnosis to excuse some heinous behaviour and actions. I'm pretty sure she's got some NPD or BPD going on as well
@@wennapeters115 oh no 😩 that's worse.. yeah - it explains so much but make dumb excuses instead of reflecting and maybe say sorry once in a while with the hope to understand and get better....hmpf 😓
OMG, you nailed it! I would add: Always asking questions of others so I don’t have to talk. Because you’re right, most people just want to talk about themselves. Now all I have to do is nod and smile every now and then. Occasionally I get caught not paying attention to what they’re saying while I’m doing this. That’s awkward and embarrassing. But I can’t for the life of me keep my brain focused on what other people are saying if it isn’t more powerful than what’s going on inside my brain at that moment. Which is usually rethinking over and over if what I just said was interpreted correctly or not, OR I went down a mental rabbit hole about a detail they mentioned that got me thinking about something completely off topic to the conversation at hand. It’s what I call a hashtag of thought; somebody mentions something in passing but the keyword makes me think of EVERYTHING I associate with that word. AND now I just missed whatever the hell it was they’ve been saying the last five minutes. Quick, make eye contact! Nod and smile! Ask another question!
It’s exhausting! It’s easier to just stay at home.
BTW, I’m 63 years old and want a formal diagnosis. Where can I find someone that understands high masking females? I live in East Central Illinois. Does anyone do it virtually? I’m on SSDI Medicare.
I was randomly diagnosed in my 40's. Sadly had a crushing alcohol addiction and was hospitalized 8 times that year.
Sorry to hear about your health issues - we haven't done a video on this topic yet, but we have read in research that substance abuse (including alcohol) is very common, especially when undiagnosed. It's almost used like a form of self-medication for many autistic people. Hopefully things are improving for you but wanted you to know you're not alone on that.
@ChrisandDebby I'm getting better but it's a process. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this channel!
I'm 'lucky' I have no alcohol tolerance so I can't abuse it. Also means I have no way of numbing my pain 😢
@@ChrisandDebby Yeah, I look back at my stupid drunkeness episodes, and always wondered why. I got it now!
@@Lev-t2t I'm happy you don't have to deal with alcohol. Sadly as a 5'3" rail thin woman I could out drink a 6' tall man easily.
For me it started with numbing out the pain and then straight into oblivion.
Thanks for being so funny and absurdly relatable ❤
I've had a very solitary life, partly due to ME/CFS but also needing to avoid humans in groups. I
can engage with one other person at a time, over coffee, in a quiet place, for about an hour.
Avoidance brings peace, contentment and sometimes incredible loneliness. Another planet, yes.
Thank you so much for the excellent videos. XX
Everything here hit home. Ive never felt so understood. I have this impulse to send this video to everyone im close to but i know theyd never watch it because they dont really give a crap what i go through or why i am the way i am. Im the only one that cares that im autistic.
Same
My experience of many people is it can seem they don't readily like getting involved in other peoples issues and can react in a way that accumulates over time to feel at damage levels. As Autistic you can put on the show that all is OK while underneath is so tumultuous (look again at #9 13:34). Not all people can recognize hidden issues and some may fear them, avoiding or distracting themselves from engaging them with you. Many people Autistic and otherwise will resonate with your comment. I realized from what you describe, well knew I had always felt alone, lonely in my family, lonely in a relationship, lonely socializing, lonely in a crowd. I recognized some of my best memories and moments were largely whilst alone. I by no means have cracked the code but, I try to accept being alone more readily without expectations of others and if something happens with someone it is nice. We all differ and I don't want to sound like minimizing the effect this is has upon you because it is real. But, if you can find any way to not let it bother you as much by being unrecognized by those close to you it could be some rest and relief you deserve and need for yourself.
Yeah. Same goes for me. This video fully describes myself and I don't know what to do about it...
I'm tired of this and my parents wouldn't understand
I think that’s your best video yet! Still can’t believe you came up with 30 things. 30! And each was super relatable
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you, Chris and Debby! You have given our daughter a voice and opened up topics for conversations in our family on how to spot when our people-pleasing girl is masking, overwhelmed, or experiencing life in anxiety inducing ways we aren't aware of.
She watches some of your videos with us and is able to point out what parts are true for her.
We are so grateful to you! ❤
This was such a helpful video for me! Thanks Chris and Debby ❤ It really is exhausting to mask all the live-long day.
Yay, so glad you enjoyed it and found it helpful! We have Part 2 coming next week - stay tuned! 👀 And also hoping as more people watch, they can understand that internal hidden struggle more for all of us 🙂
This Video made me cry so much. My therapist had the gut feeling i might be autistic and since then i am researching, trying to figure out how to deal with that. And this video made me feel so seen like i finally can get help with the most inner problems of myself. ❤ also- the timing was perfect, my therapist told me about his gut feeling just a week ago
The room you are filming in is *on point.* Absolutely beautiful design: color, lighting, elements, placement. Also, great video! 😅❤
I just got diagnosed 3 days ago and you timed this upload perfectly 😅
Thank you so much for making this and sharing. Apart from the fabric sensitivity, I'm exactly the same as the rest of the list. I'm 36 and only recently realised I'm autistic and not an alien. Thanks again.
Every. Single. One. Feeling like an alien? It's not only my feeling. Growing up, my older brother was convinced I was adopted. My younger brother had a theory I was an alien who came to planet Earth to study humans. I don't blame him, it's kind of true.
I wonder if we’re both from the same planet 😛
Omg I thought I was adopted too! Until I looked at family pictures...the resemblance was to obvious. So than I just thought something is wrong with me😐
Gotta love that one
(Sorry, I guess that was also a template in my mind, I guess)
All check.
One of my nicknames was "alien" when I was a teenager.
One day my uncle pointed out that I was always imitating someone. He told me be yourself. But being myself never worked.
Me too !!!!@@ChrisandDebby
One and two are literally a one-two punch. Being an alien and having to rediscover yourself and what is actually you. It was weird to start thinking about all that, since I deemed my authenticity to be one of my greatest strengths. And suddenly that all gets flipped upside down. I didn’t realise just how much I masked until I _really_ looked into it.
The small talk kills me. And yes. Answer the phone! Eff no. Pretending I am listening yep! Love ❤️ your humour. Being an alien on earth was my lifelong inner feeling. As a child I even told people I was from the planet of the cat people! And getting diagnosed at age 62. My masking has so many tricks of the trade
I'm in tears right now, because I'm doing all this all my life (II'm 55, f), but except for my wonderful husband, no one believes me. I was tested and was told it's anxiety. A classic. But at least I know now, I'm not alone. Thank you.
They love to tell us (women) we're just having anxiety. (among other "proofs" we can't be autistic. I think my favourite was: "You're intelligent and making jokes, you can't be autistic!" which infuriate me like crazy. My bestfriend is autistic and one of the smartest and funniest guy I know)
@@maewanplay Thank you for your reply. Yes, I've heard that one (the "you can laugh and make jokes" thing) a couple of times.. I know, they don't mean to be rude and are just unaware, but it hurts nontheless.
Thank you for this list, ill show it to my family, and maybe it will help in their understanding of my transfer from my old me to the new me. Im 42 and i got my autism diagnose november 2024.
I do all of them. Had to lauph a lot during the video. Thank you so much for doing these videos, it helps so much after years of thinking I was the only alien. Even when my son got diagnosed, the symptoms did not match 100% for me ( a women) i did not realize I was autistic as well. It is such a relief to know that all of these stressors are part of my brain being the way it is... not my diet, not my work life balance, not trauma (alone)... I have always been this way. I remeber one of the calmest years I had was when i decided to not talk actively for a year as a child. It was bliss.
Number 9. pretending to b fine when you're definitely not fine, yeah that's me so much. I often do things that i don't know how to do, I'm very unsure, and just try to act like I'm not freaking out.
My poor husband has to hear so much about every conversation i have basically lol, i think about it so much and it really helps me to talk things out and get an outside perspective.
It's so dam hard not to just talk about autism, ADHD, psychology all the time and even like relationship dynamics, i find that fascinating but people don't wish to discuss it, most unfortunate.
Thank you for your content this was really helpful to me. I think i will show my mom and maybe my boss.
I've finally started to stim sometimes, like i started pacing when outside or in presence of certain others. I sing and do repetitive annoying things sometimes. I feel like I've come a long way. And also starting to recognize sensory sensitivities and do something to help like wear sunglasses, get away from sounds, comfy clothes, removing tags, etc.
Luv you. Thanks to you and Debbie for explaining autism in a usable, functional way that has helped so many of us stop feeling so DYSfunctional. OMG. So many things you say hit home!!!!
I work in a grocery store that is focused on engaging the customers so 5 days a week I have an average of 250 conversations. I'm often used as an example of how to interact with customers but they don't understand it's all masking. I use a series of catch phrases & info dumping to entertain the customer through the interaction.
My main point is about the torture of having said something off like the example given of "enjoy your flight" "you too". As the customer leaves one of my closings is "enjoy your food" & most of the time they reply "you too". When I bring this stuff up coworkers imply I'm the only one that notices this stuff. My conclusion is that NT's don't think about conversations nearly as much so those times you or I beat ourselves up about saying something off it's likely only us that noticed. So while it's fair to be disappointed with messing up the exchange you also deserve credit for the awareness that you had.
Thank you for the video! The same here. I was diagnosed with ASD when I was over 40 and at the same time realised that I am actually highly gifted. I've been working on this and on myself for years now. It's not always easy. Fortunately, I also have a very loving and similarly wired partner (my wife and I never mask in front of each other).
Unfortunately, I know the whole range of masking strategies you described really well. Especially when you have to perform in a professional environment. The most difficult time was my professional years abroad, where I went so far as to imitate the language and accents to absolute perfection, eating food I didn't like with a smile on my face, etc. Just so that I didn't stand out, so that people wouldn't talk to me about being different.
At the time, I was also in a relationship where I masked myself completely, 100% of the time. Truthfully, I didn’t even like her, but the relationship came about due to a chain of masking missteps that spiralled out of control, dragging me deeper into the situation. I felt like an actor on stage, performing in an endless play. Of course, it didn't go well (anxiety disorder, burnout). Fortunately, that was many years ago. But I still shudder when I think about it.
My wife and I really enjoy watching your channel. It's so likeable, always funny and makes us laugh - we can totally identify with it. Keep up the good work!
I've been fired for messing up socially, and no amount of paperwork proving that you're autistic can save you from it. It's unfair and illegal, and it's happened to me at least twice...
Some of theses are so on the nose for me, I've been enjoying watching while alone so I can absorb the information better.
I can belly laugh, analyze, ruminate, pontificate, look at it from all angles, and remember my own situations where I've done things like these, then end up back at a belly laugh alone while feeling completely understood at the same time. Thank you so much for this.
I'm turning 48 soon so I can relate to the "late diagnosis" part of things.
Thank you again for making videos that make so many of us feel seen. I left my teaching job after 17 years of serious constant masking and self diagnosed this past summer. I am now working from home and sleep better, have a better relationship with my kids and husband, and have really tried to accept who I am and what I need and advocate for that, respectfully. It’s a process but I feel like it gets easier every day. Thank you thank you thank you for your work.
#1 for sure! Decades of masking especially as a retail manager… 😭😫 Burnt out and completely unaware of who I am or was. After years of uncovering and reacquainting I’m feeling much better and more like myself.
Thanks so much for these! Much needed validation. Love you and Debby. ❤
OMG so many of these make up my life! If I'd only understood how to manage before I gave up on work and retired. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 40s. The first employer I told literally flipped out and yelled I was "up to something" because me claiming I had Asperger's was BS and must be some kind of scam because I couldn't be a mediator and administrative law judge and be disabled! So, I never told another employer and by age 54 gave up on work, not understanding anything about masking or burnout. Two years ago, I discovered people like you here on TH-cam and have learned SO MUCH.
Oh my God! I do or have done at one point every one of these. I thought it was just me being weird and “broken”! I never understood why I struggled to “know myself “ my entire life - crippling existential crisis. Now I understand why. Your videos have been so so helpful for me. Thank you for your content. I think you guys should write a book or workbook for the newly diagnosed.
I've been researching autism lately, the more I learn the more I think I might have autism. Everything you mentioned in this video is something I regularly do and have done for as long as I can remember.
Neurodiverse here. Thank you for the relatable video. I agree with how all the symptoms might appear that way at first. I think they are all related to communication skills that many high-function neurodiverse can learn. By learning about ourselves and our triggers and spending more time alone in different situations, we can learn about our touch, vision, and auditory to emotional triggers. It is possible to better explain our situation to our loved ones, minimize the possibility of overstimulation, and become more authentic. In my experience, I realize I was unfair for people close to me and myself to always mask.
What a great video. Thank you man, I knew a lot of this already, being 52 and having had the realization of being autistic some 12 years ago, and picking up the pieces afterward, but still a feast of recognition! And so well done. 👍
«Customer support voice» - - think I have used it a lot, very much a lot.
I repeat things/phrases/jokes I said in conversations that got big reactions out of people, when I'm alone after. It's compulsive, like I'm either reviewing going "was that ok?" or "you did GREAT there"
1 and 2 are so spot on.
There is a possibility that I have autism. The diagnostic starts next week. But the more I look into the topic, the more I recognize myself. This is currently leading to emotional ups and downs. Normal people would probably let the topic rest until they are diagnosed or at least until it no longer weighs them down, but I can't really let the topic rest right now.
Yesterday I saw this video and it made me smile a lot. Today I had a meltdown because it upset me so much. I don't know who I am, how I appear to others - I'm afraid to leave the house or meet people.
watching this to better understand and support an autistic friend who‘s working on unmasking. thank you for sharing!
All of these hit like a rock. You made me laugh, you made me tear up then smile again. Thank you for sharing your experience and with so much humour - which definitely is essential to survive this unknown land.
Five of those are countered by my extroversy and my ADHD, the rest hits home and is a daily experience for me. The last two made me cry.
Wow, I see ALL of them in me... Thanks for the list and for the explanation :)
Oh man do I realllllly appreciate you sharing this! It’s rare to have someone speak to my inner experiences so eloquently. And with humor to boot! Very, very helpful. Thank you.
The expressions practice soooo much! I will think of things people might say to me or things that might happen and then practice reacting. I have a very stern face as well and a naturally flat effect. I worked customer service and retail for many years and the constant full strength masking for so long was SO draining! I have a job now caring for rescue cats and it's a lot more physically involved than my other jobs were and yet I come home from a shift feeling content. I don't have to act around them and we understand each other.
Excellent! Just excellent.
"I just want to know who I am" I think that all the time, thank you for this video.
Thankyou. Brilliant and entertaining!
Thanks for this share... They all apply...
I hate when people ask you questions, but they're expecting their version of answers. Especially when they cut you off and not want to take the time to understand what you really wanted to say.
Wow. I have now realized that I fit ALL of your points. I'm still learning about my autism about which I didn't know I have it for 38 years. But since I've known, everything makes sense.
Thank you so much for this video, it's so accurate and it's nice to know it's not just me.
This is wonderful. I snort laughed through most of it. I was not diagnosed properly until 48 years old!!!! I always felt bad about myself because I always felt like a "fake" but it was so freeing to understand it was masking. It also explained exhaustion and no longer apologize for taking down times. This one is 100% accurate!!!!!!!!!! People really do not understand how much energy is involved. The #1 part was the bomb. I've been relearning who I am and it's been more relaxing. IF others still dont' understand, oh well. :)
M64 diagnosed 4 years ago. 23/30. Autistic, high-medium OCD. I've been lucky that my special interest, hyperfocus, OCD, and hyperlexia actually boosted my career and then helped me to replace it with an even more satisfying one. There've been plenty of drawbacks, pain, and heartache but taken all around I wouldn't change it. Having a Memory Lane that's 60 years long has been an interesting exploration of a path I thought I knew.
I do all of these I just laughed out loud!😂 Honestly I really like to hear other people put the feelings and experiences I've had in to words I have not been able to find to explain to others what it's like. I truly appreciate these videos....
What a superbly put together video. The pace, flow, editing is awesome even removing the gaps in dialogue was OK (usually quite distracting for me). I know the subject matter is serious, but you allowed me to laugh a recognizing myself in situations that I have found unpleasant. I needed this. This is my 1st video of yours and you are a very nice, kind man. I don't seek sympathy I can deal with most stuff myself but it can be hard and a video like yours shines the light of hope on the day. Thank you.
This is such a nice comment. It’s nice to see our efforts are appreciated. We welcome you to our community! Hope to see you around. 😊
I know that there’s a lot of cross over with ADHD but all of them hit. And I wanted to cry
👍 I’m adhd and all are spot on. I was mad I didn’t get autism diagnosed, still am. I dunno what’s what really.
Thank you so much for coming out with these videos that make me feel normal.
Oh, by the way, when you’re talking about saying you too when someone said, have a nice flight….. that’s the kind of thing that happens to me. Also I’m so used to saying I love you when I hang up the phone that I had a telehealth doctors appointment yesterday morning and at the end of the conversation, I caught myself right after I quietly told my doctor I love you because I’m so used to ending my conversations with. I love you because I’m usually talking to close friends or family.
Yes, on both.
Yes, or I accidentally start out saying "Hi Lovey" which is how I address my husband all the time
All of them... and I laugh a lot! thank you! I'm thinking about masking joy's reaction : usually I'm neutral, and calm, but when I have a good news, I jump, I laugh, I make gesture of victory... but only when I'm alone. I also make a lot of faces, alone.
Brilliant list well-explained - I'll be eagerly awaiting the "how to unmask" video, because #1 is a doozy. I sometimes feel like I'm one of the _Madagascar_ penguins: "just smile and wave, boys, smile and wave." And is it "pretending to listen" if you don't know you're not actually listening until something happens to drag your mind back to the present?, Usually, though, I'm on it - you'll never know you're on my "dead to me" list because I'll still be smilling, nodding, and making smalltalk just like I do with everyone else. I have made myself an expert at NT verbal communication, which works brilliantly just so long as I don't run into a problem with the non-verbal stuff or lose concentration. Then I'm inclined to freeze up - "I can't use this simple word because it doesn't have the correct nuance, but I think the correct word will probably sound too erudite for most of this audience, help!", or "would it be appropriate to mention that I wrote a poem in Middle English for my daughter's 18th birthday? Have I missed my slot while trying to decide?"
Oh, and you mentioned clouds. In the language I made up (including its non-European grammar and script), I have more than 50 words for types and features of clouds - and I'm not even particularly interested in them! 😂
Your videos are so good!
I've learned to move the right muscles around my eyes so my smile seems to be genuine, even if I don't feel it in that moment. It helped in situations like job interviews. Took quite some hours of training in front of the mirror though
I act like an exaggerated version of myself in many conversations all the time. I may really feel caring and interested, but I usually have to dial up the twinkly vivaciousness (but not too much) to appear almost normal. I've only this year realized this act I put on to blend in... not always successfully. I'm realizing now that this is heavily ingrained masking.
Ah, yes, the Duchenne smile. I practiced in front of the mirror hours enough until I mastered it. The perfect amount of contraction of the orbicularis oculi muscle, the exact amount of crows feet to look sincere but avoiding to fully close my eyes and ruin the pboto, the right amount of tension on my zygomatics in order to symmetrically rise my lip commisures in a cute way, not too gummy not too psychopath smile. All this with a printed image of _Human Facial Muscles_ sticked to my mirror because I' m an anatomy nerd but I cannot share my passion with anyone. Facial expressions feel like perfecting the positions of a karate kata. And muscles hurt and the end of the day...
Good god, #1 really hit home for me. Since my diagnosis last July, I’ve been trying to peel off the layers of masking that have built up over 62 years of living. It’s incredibly difficult figuring out what goes and what stays.
But I just started Adderall for my ADHD, and that’s helping immensely. I now have the bandwidth to live life AND do the work necessary to figure out the true me.
This was a great, informative video. Thank you.
Number 24 is why I take selfies - practicing facial expressions, trying to make them look natural and "right" for whatever I'm "supposed to" be feeling.
Thank you very much for the video.
I am 35 years old and I have almost forgotten who I am. I seem to have grown into the mask of a "normal" person over all these years. Now I will remember who I am, I will gradually return to myself.
Yes, I'l take that weighted blanket. Thnk you!
I WON! 30 out of 30! Thanks bud.
I didn't know I was supposed to keep score which I'm good at because I like to count everything....😮💨
@@DonMarie-n3c I was just joking bud.
@@jackblacksashHahaha.... #29
I love your videos!! This one, I noticed you called yourself an idiot a few times. Self-compassion is a blessing. We are simply replaying the tapes of NT people who were training us to mask.
I get that it was supposed to be funny, and it was, it was also jarring to me. I hope all is well. Thank you for what you do!!!
I do almost all of these, and I love your presentation. I do not practice facial expressions in the mirror, and I rarely dominate conversations. But, everything else--yep. I burst out laughing at: "customer service voice, activated." Because, YES.
"Fun is supposed to be fun." This statement was made to me by a friend who understands autism and understood why I was feeling anxious regarding an upcoming "fun" social event. Before I realized I was autistic (a discovery I made only about 3 months ago), I thought I was just terrible at doing "fun." Now I know that what is "fun" for most people is actually work for me, and the fact that I'd literally much rather re-organize a room than play a board game with the family does not mean I'm broken. This simple but profound (for me) statement, "fun is supposed to be fun," is helping me discover what I actually enjoy (as opposed to what I thought I was supposed to enjoy).
So true! My fun is not often big group social gatherings.
@@shawnaford5540 Nor mine. I do not enjoy big social gatherings. I do not enjoy small social gatherings of people I don't know. It is my current mission to discover what things I do think are fun.
I was diagnosed at 16 over three thousand years ago, and I am still finding out more things. I did not know so many of these things were masking! It's so accurate it hurts.
Spot on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hit every one of the markers and I just thought everyone was like that.
Omg... this is confronting... and I'm not autistic.. maybe...but a doctor let me make some (online) tests years back to check, because he thought I maybe had autism. But the questions to me were to confusing, cause every question I over analyzed and the questions could be interpreted multiple ways (at least to me, like almost every question).... I'm in my 40s and maybe I'll have to do some more tests again....😬🙄
My biggest mask is know a lot about almost every topic, from medical to weather 😂 I will look up everything I hear or heard about and learn the ins and outs...I also just want to know everything that is possible
The hardest to me is to look some one in the eyes..I never know how long and when not or when to, and then I will overthink it and I start to think I'm looking weird at someone..i hate it😂(it even makes me dizzy)
The weirdest thing is that I really hate structure. It's the opposite of "normal" autism (to like structure). I never ever go to bed at the same time, every day is different. I tried going to bed at a certain time, but that led to many many sleepless nights.
This video is on point, Thank you for this video 👍
I can 100% relate to this. Every point hits home. I need to do something about it so my parents can finally understand me and leave me alone
Thank you Chris, No1 is definitely a struggle after 40 years of not knowing.
Great list 🙌🏻🙌🏻
really nice presentation. I know the home clips are time consuming, but they make for such a great visual flow. congratulations for hitting 60K subscribers and 165 comments in the first few hours after posting.
Thanks a bunch Traci!! ❤️
The last one hits home the most obviously.
Wow thank you Chris and Debby for taking the time to include these really useful resources! (why does that sound sarcastic? Idk but for the record, it is not, I genuinely appreciate the added help and resources included in the description, so thank you!
I'm 41, diagnosed at 38, it's all true. All of it. It's hard but it's reality.
Just everything 😮
Listen here. You have the most adorable wife!!!! I'm autistic, so I'm allowed to suddenly change the subject. 😅 For serious: you're an awesome guy. I got to 75 before learning about high-masking autism and because everything suddenly fell right into place I could just throw off the masking thing and be who I am. I'm a high-performing autistic person, and I've achieved a lot in my life. The bummers were intimate relationships. But I'm now happy and doing what I love doing. You and your wife are GEMS. (I've been married for 15 years, got divorced on the advice of a clinical psychologist, and have been on my own ever since. You have a wife who knows and understands you. I was not so lucky.
You are hilarious!! 😂
And too many of these are relatable, especially the rehearsing conversations and my brain going **bzzzzzzt** in the middle of listening to someone.