Parents don't view their kids as people but as things or as pets. You'd have no compunction discussing your cat with your guests in front of it. That's how they view kids.
@yello I've dealt with it in my family, and the families of many friends. Bad parenting isn't the norm of everyday, but it's the norm in most families to do something that qualifies quite often. I myself was shutdown almost every time I opened my mouth or did anything as a teenager. There may be some bias in my opinion, but I've never heard of a place where being nurturing is the norm.
My mother once spoke about me with extended family, and I overheard it from another room. They were speaking about me being so silent and timid, "strange". And being that kind of kid made me feel even worse about myself. Now I am a problem, strange problem. More shame added. And it was a lie. I had my mouth shut so many times, I was not listen to so many times, I was abused by her and my father so many times, beaten, neglected and left alone. And now, all of the problems they created within me, can be just blamed on me, so that she feel like a poor parent with troubled child. Another point for her after being a wife of an alcoholic(that she chose and gave 4 children to). This is how I feel about it today. Thanks for bringing this topic up Daniel.
My mother once apologised to a visiting school friend, explaining that I was "rather stupid". As a young adult I started work in a men's clothing store. A mother came in with a group of her friends and her teenage son. These women teased this lad, all laughing and cackling right in front of me. I felt terrible for him and tried to commucate solidaty and sympathy ...... there are plenty of ways that parents can take out their own anger on their kids without raising a hand to them at all. It's incredibly destructive.
My mother talked about me (how horrible I am) both in front of me and when I was absent. She loved destroying my reputation when she talked about me with neighbours, colleagues and family members. She wanted them to hate me, and even my 'golden child' brother whom she loved (if a psychopath can love anyone) admits she set everyone up against me including my father who did everything she wanted including beating me severely on so many occasions it became his favourite way to release anger. This was the only thing that could satisfy her because this was the only thing she knew from her own childhood.
That is a horribly sad story, Rosemary, I grew up under similar circumstances to yours. Are you in contact with either one of them today? I understand if you decide not to answer. You deserved better then, and I hope you have provided that for yourself now. Best of luck to you, Wayne
Oh yeah most of my relatives loved to smear and slander me my whole life especially my mother. I didn't realize till late in my life that virtually all of my relatives were/are extremely covert narcissists or psychopaths. I've realized that I somehow learned to automatically block out of my concious mind countless things mom and other relatives did or said to me, although I'm guessing my subconscious mind probably remembered most of it. Consequently my life is pretty completely ruined late in my life and throughout it also. And yeah I've realized my mother actually thrived off torturing and robbing me. There's much more, long story, but I believe my relatives especially my mother used me as a satanic human sacrifice. I could go way more into detail but I believe its more than just psychology behind it all.
i can relate to all 3 of your replies, i found out at 48 i was not weird ,or all the other things, i was aspergic , simple really ... but i also worked out what was going on, especially when i visited my sisters kids who had grown up and they repeated stupid things i said 30 years ago !! my sis has been remining everyone every year i would imagine . THEN at 55 i was accused of 'spying on women getting dressed' because i had a drone !!!! by my own mother , something snapped and i came home and wrote them both letters telling them , in the most brutal terms i could muster to leave me alone dont ever contact me etc etc , its been 6 months now and its GREAAT
@@waynemizer4912 I'd have to write a very lengthy reply to give you an idea why I'm where I am today so let me just say that I still live with her and my almost adult son. I'm aware of how destructive it is. When I was younger I was much more courageous so I made several attempts to leave but I'd always come back. I wish my life turned out different. She was very successful at convincing me that I would never make it without her, that I would not SURVIVE by myself, that the world is a very dangerous place and that people will eat me alive. At first I was rebelious, but when one day I went for a trip with my friend, her boyfriend and his friends and was brutally gang raped her words became like a prophecy. I was married but it didn't work either, I would always come back to her. I'm basically her servant now but at this point she's pretty harmless. I know I won't get better as long as I live with her (and in this God forsaken town!) so we're planning to move out in a couple years when my son will start university. I hope I can make it this time. Also, I think it's important that whoever reads this message realises that my parents where otherwise very cultured and highly educated individuals respected by friends, neighbours and everyone who knew them. I have never heard them say one vulgar word or drink alcohol. My mother is a retired psychologist (!). No one knew what was happening at home, how they turned into monsters behind closed doors, but because they were looked up to by everyone that knew them I believed for many many years that it was my fault, that they're right, I'm the bad one. I don't have any contact with my father any more.
I'm 44 and my parents still do this! And I recently found out that they talk behind my back and tell complete lies! Now, I understand why people have weird reactions towards me! I stopped giving any information about myself to my parents and siblings. It's a sick, twisted dynamic... well, I stopped giving information to anyone. Now, I keep it to myself!
Now i remember .....me and my brother after a lot of abuse and beatings we were weting the bed ...and the cycle was unending ...dont know what came first
I grew up like that, I even have this vague memory of a stranger lady, in public, checking my mom and telling her that that is not a way to talk to a child. She used to call me beast and try to make me look like an uncontrollable kid, who just stumbles onto things and the worst part is, munchhausen by proxy... Oh poor mom, her kid is always sick... making me take in medicine and weird terrible liquids that I don't even know it they weren't poisons, to be completely honest! I think those parents are delusional. A line from a metallica song always stuck in my mind.. "you lie so much, you believe yourself". I think they tell the lie so many times that at some point the accept it as truth, and we do become these "problematic kids" to them as parents. People who are anchored into the truth, reality and logic, absolutely trigger them.
I think the truth is simply that most of the parents are just not prepared to have children. They simply do not know how to care for them. Which is why I have decided very early on that I am never going to have children. Our parents have put us into this world and now it's onto us to repair the damage that was done inevitably...
I've had the same experience with my parents and decided early on that I don't want to have kids partly because I am aware my parents had no parenting skills and consequently hadn't passed any onto me. I would probably turn out to be a difficult parent myself and I'd rather avoid inflicting that on myself or my potential children. I'm not craving the experience either so there's really no point.
what bothers me is that most people aren’t that self-aware, to admit to themselves that they have no parenting skills and would pass on an insecure attachment to their kids they get kids for selfish reasons - passing on their dna, filling a void in their life and don’t care at all about what kind of a parent their children will have
Your “therefore” has some incredibly dark rationale in it. Perhaps you should focus on healing the place in you that arises from before condemning your options for a genuinely healthy life because I think you underestimate how important raising your own children are to that in the end. I relate to the impulse, but please realise how much of a trap not having them is, it’s harder to see than the “trap” of having them, until it’s too late. Best of luck.
@@hmfogptditf there are a couple of reasons why I decided not to have children. The ecological crisis being one of them. And our flawed educational system. I could name a couple more. No. The bloodline in my family is going to end with this generation. I just don’t want my kids to grow up in a world with melting glaciers and no bees or insects. I know our parents probably may have similar thought process. But I just don’t want my kids to spend their old age in the 2100s….
My Mom literally admitted that she thought public shaming was an appropriate way for me to "teach" my daughter. That really made me wonder how she raised me...
Narcissists do this. They like to talk down about their child like they are the perfect parent and the child is the problem. My momster did this with all 4 of her children. Narcissists with covert narcissism LOVE to play the victim. As their children, we are nothing but a doll to them: no rights, no feelings, no needs. We exist strictly for them to dress up, place around the movie-set of their "perfect" delusional life. A strong self DEFINITELY threatens a narcissistic parent. They'll beat it out of you, if they can't crush your spirit any other way (verbal abuse, manipulation).
Why are we talking negatively about our children period. Keep them safe and grow yourself a decent human being by example. Stop berating your children.
My father basically called me a whore in front of all his extended family after I travelled abroad to meet a guy I'd been in a long distance relationship with in my early 20s. Everyone was in complete shock and disbelief with the way he reacted, including me, it just came out of nowhere and without solicitation, we were on very good terms and I looked up to him, we hadn't discussed it before and he did not express any thoughts or discontent about it previously, I was completely caught off guard by his outburst. He's had such unexpected outbursts on several occasions on various other topics throughout his lifetime and I gradually realised he's a very repressed person and not as cool and benign as he'd like to come across as and that caused me to slowly distance myself from him. We're no longer on speaking terms and I try to avoid him as much as I can these days, though he seems to be blissfully unaware of any of it.
My mother basically has the exact same behaviour so I'm not surprised at all to hear your story because my mother has also freaked out on me over the strangest things throughout my life. Often things that SHE in her strange inner world believes or feels is "a shame to society" (but which very few people would agree on - it could for example be that I'm not "manly enough" and other bisarre things). As far as I know though she has never done that to me in public BUT she really does "sneak up on me" when I'm at my most most vulnerable and chooses to explode right at that moment. Almost like she aims to make the maximum amount of damage possible. It has ruined a lot of holidays and important milestones in my life. Often I get EXTREMELY angry back at her which I don't like either because for a second it feels like I also am about to loose control in the same way. But I have never treated anyone else in my life in that way so I can safely say that I don't have that tendency inside of me (but I do really dislike the fact that I react so strongly back at her). I believe she is aware of the issue but I believe she suppresses it to the extreme (because for one she is not very "lady like" when she freaks out). I totally understand your attitude towards your father. It really messes with ones emotions to feel support from someone but at the same time knowing that it all can end in an aggressive strange outburst really at any time for any absurd reason... as if you dealt with two persons at the same time. My mother even told me when I was a child during one of her outbursts "DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING!" which was SO absurd to hear - almost like she was "possessed" in that moment! I believe she was sort of possessed though... by her own anxiety of not fitting in in society. EDIT: The stuff I have heard my mother say about me in public is mostly about "being normal". "The normal stuff" parents seem to talk about about their children. This culture is very much "a fitting in culture" indeed (as if being "not normal in some way" leads to the downfall of all civilisation or something).
@@spacebear916 many thanks for sharing, yes I've had an uncannily similar experience with my mother too. Both of my parents have had a pattern of bizzare behaviours and they've certainly been in a toxic co-dependent relationship. Looking back, I'd say they both have undiagnozed personality disorders and probably childhood trauma. My mother had the same emotional pattern, she'd try to show concern and end up elevating and amplifying my emotional distress, and it was almost like she'd sense when I was at my lowest and what pushed my buttons. The best way I can describe it is emotional vampirism, she fed on my negative emotions and would know how to recognize, induce and amplify them. I'm not sure she was even aware of the effect she had on me. But at least she was consistent and I knew what to expect of her, while my father would just have his bizzare outbursts once in a while out of the blue, bringing up the most inappropriate things, in the most innapropriate ways and for no good reason. Btw since I stopped caring and decided to draw the line with her, my communication with my mother has improved 100%, we are now able to sit down and talk like adults without any of us feeling threatened, hurt or distressed and it's turned into a decent, no nonsense type of mother-daughter relationship that I never experienced before and am quite happy with. I can't say the same about my father, we used to be very close but I don't really know what to expect of him anymore. Trying to open up and talk only makes him angrier and more unpredictable and he reverts to addressing me as if I were a child which is quite disturbing. So the only thing I can do to protect myself is keep my distance.
Turning 30 soon - my mother has been doing it for YEARS up until recent past. Complained to my boyfriend whom she'd recently met about me being a 'difficult' teen (I was not. I was an average teen going through average struggles and that's when her narcissistic features started to show) and about not meeting her academic expectations at uni. This was one of a hundred reasons that led to my recent decision to go no contact. Discrediting a loved one, be it a child, a friend or a partner, in front of someone else, is a distrurbing behavior that tells A LOT about the relationship.
Oooh yes. I feel like parents’ narcissism really tends to show when teenhood begins because this is when there’s a LOT more self differentiation that goes on, and a needed self differentiation at that! That was my experience as well, it’s neat to finally have that reflected back to me 🙂🙏
For me, it was wildly confusing. My mother had very high academic expectations for me when I was in elementary school, but at the same time her strong negligence sent me another message. I will never forget the burden of guilt that she herself dared to place on me. To this day, when I am in college, she still wants to put that burden on me, although at least today I am exercising more of my due power as a person. It is crazy to think that this and much more is what people so close to us can do to us when we find ourselves without power.
Wow.. that’s intense.. I’ve just recently.. in my 50’s realized my mother hasn’t enjoyed being w me.. and I gave her sooo much love.. and ended up destroying my life.. trying to help her heal and be happy .. w me.. Ei… so much love to You ♥️♥️♥️
I was in kitchen making coffee while my father talking with my mother's brother on phone. The conversation was about money, father complaining on his pension. Uncle said " maybe you would put the "younger cow" for sale? - I'd like to sell, but no-one wants a crap. How good it is to hear such things from your parent.
This video made me think about how kids are treated in other contexts. It reminded me of a video of a young boy, perhaps not even ten years old, beating a famous (and quite strong!) chess streamer at chess. Instead of congratulating him on his victory like you would an adult, there was an atmosphere of condescention, of disrespect,with the implication that the boy somehow did not deserve the win.
I have a theory that most adults are stuck as idiotic 9 year olds. To not congratulate a child. Talk about pathetic. They do their ancestors who became mature at 16 years old a disgrace.
These types of parents view children as objects. As my father told me many years ago after I told him how my classmates were calling me fat. He said:”All your fat belongs to me.” What?!!!
I used to wake up in the morning, sun shining on such a beautiful day, hearing my parents talk about me, mock me, and laugh at me. Genuinely ripping me apart, picking me apart, analyzing me, breaking me down. It was so traumatizing. Love to y'all. I remember how their voices sounded like poison. They would try to whisper but always be loud enough for me to hear them and I feel that was conscious. When I heard my dad talking "softly" in the morning, I would become incredibly angry because it was always connected to that. They found so much joy in making me question my value.
I got cancer last year at 57 and it was an eye opener for me because my family couldnt show any real ...empathy without attaching a negative of some sort , (and my sisters a nurse!!) they would rather sit in silence that show real emotional concern , THEN the more weak i got the more they ramped up the verbal covert beatings, it was so odd it just smacked me in the face that ive been an idiot listening to them at all , let alone for 50 odd years , her 3 husbands could only put up with it for 10 years each so i figured ive done my time , and it was time for them to go ...i don't mean they are under the patio, i just wrote and told them to go away ...it was quite brutal to be honest , BUT incredibly restrained given the 54 years it had been building. definately recommend walking away from all narccissists and control freaks
I can totally relate to this. Both myself and my brother have disabilities which are an inconvenience to my mother. It truly feels horrible to be on the receiving end of. I have much more distance from her and speak up for myself when I need to.
My parent loved to martyr themself by telling others how difficult I was as a child. I think they covertly gained narcissistic supply from others by doing this. But listening to your enlightening explanation here, a new thought came to me. When my parent can "know" and say that I had/have medical or mental deficiencies, such as adhd or some kind of autism spectrum, then they can attempt to free themselves of the responsibility of causing all this damage to me through my upbringing. And can now claim that all my troubles in life aren't their fault, but the fault of my own and a result of some disorders. My parent didn't nuture me or care for me or supply my needs, then they punished and shamed me brutally when i misbehaved and acted out. I have had a troubled life as a result. I have experienced lots of trauma due to neglect and not being taught to value myself amd toxic shame for all the punishment and criticism against me. But they would like the opportunity to blame a disorder or disfunction of mine and free themselves of the reality that they failed me as a single parent and hirt me woth their blame and anger. They utterly neglected me and did not nurish me or care for me or teach me to care for myself. And always kept me in their debt both psychologically and financially. Making sure I always knew what a burden I was to them. This has been such a difficult thing to awaken to. Thank you for your talks. They help a lot. Best wishes, Paul.
Well my father used to insult me all the time when I was a child, from as long as I can remember, calling me retard, idiot what not. I was always curious to try new things and he'd say "don't touch that, you destroy everything you touch" which even if true, was probably normal for a small child. He'd say this to me since I was a toddler. I remember being shocked when he praised me for how smart I was in front of a co-worker who was visiting at our home, when I was around 10, bragging about how smart I was in math.. I was sitting there in stupor like "who is this?". It wasn't until a few years ago that I read that's typical narcissistic behavior - putting their kids down in private while praising them in front of strangers. I remember even as a kid having a suspicion that my father was jealous of me, and as an adult I realized I was more than likely right. By the age of 5 I could speak English almost fluently(from TV) and could use a computer despite not even knowing how to read, and he was in his 40s with a high status in the military and couldn't speak English and was worse at using a computer than I was - this was in the early 90s.
Oh my goodness...your comment sparked memories in me. Thank you so much for this. My dad also hated on me in private but said good things about me in public. And my mum was both horrible in private and real life. Interesting !
Thanks for this, Daniel! I don't recall my mother ever having a positive word for me or my brothers when we were younger. If I made a mistake where I had been cheated by some other kid in the schoolyard, she'd say, "well, they see you coming and they take advantage of you!" Or if I had a comment about something that she knew nothing about, she would be dismissive saying, "yeah, sure...what do you know?" On the other hand, especially when she had been drinking, I would become her little toy when she would become gushy, effusive and downright repulsive. The one memory that stands out the most was my last day of school in the fourth grade where I had a teacher who was the total opposite of my mother...warm, loving, engaging...genuinely interested in what I had to say. When she spoke to me I had her full attention. It was as though there was no one else in the room. I had wished at times that she would adopt me. When my mother arrived to pick me up, most of the other kids and there parents where saying goodbye to Ms. Fejis. When it was our turn, my mother had a short exchange with her and then I leaned forward, gave her a hug and said "thank you". I was a little sad that she wouldn't be returning in the fall. As we walked down the hallway to the door, my mother said to me, "you never hug me like that!" What occurs to me in hindsight is that should have been my line.
I don't know if this is what my parents did exactly but it is a 'given' in our family of origin that I'm paranoid, sensitive and emotional. If I try to defend myself I'm ''angry'' and ''defensive''. Even though it is my mother's defensiveness that prevents her from listening to me when I ask her to stop labelling me. I have gone round in circles with them. But I will get nowhere. I have stood firm in my interpretation of events but I have got the silent treatment. The only way the rift will be resolved is if I apologise for not having played the part they wrote for me. It's true, my parents do not realise I have a 'self'
My mother passed almost 10 years ago , i dont feel like writing all tbe things she has done to me my entire life. I will say this since shes been dead for 10 years im finally healing. Im 50 and im finally getting in touch with parts of myself that i pushed down , i heard you say that in one of your other videos and it resinated with me. Thanks You !!
After watching your video, I watched my first Gabor Mate video - he spoke about how babies are born with a strong intuition, and how our society rips that away from them. He talks about our disconnect from nature - I was pleased to learn that his views very much align with yours. And speaking of authenticity, I can feel your authenticity shine through in this video - the way you passionately speak, your body language. It is rare in our world, because it's discouraged. Guard it well Daniel, and don't let anyone take it from you.
Reading the comments, I'm just so greatfull i have parents that always treated me as a little person and growing up i really felt that my opinion counted. Thank you Mom and Dad ❤️
The mum of an ex ( lovely person) met my mother and commented on how I must have been a good kid. Her reply was spat out as no 'I had been a horrible child'. She was and is a total bitch towards me but viewed by others as a wonderful lady. Covert Narcs are the worst kind ...
My narcissistic mother really enjoyed saying bad things about her children to everybody. She was looked as the victim and she loved it! I felt ashamed, hurt and later, full of rage@
I was at a Dinner with my Father once. We were eating with his boss and some co workers from work. Somehow the topic of online safety came up and my Father started divulging in every detail about how 8 year old me almost got lured by another man online. Going into all the humiliating details. I felt so horrible inside. I kicked his leg and just gave him the death stare and said "Stop." And he continued anyways. If was miserable.
I have a cello teacher, who when her teenage son came home, made a comment as he climbed the stairs that he always smells bad. Next lesson he came into the room and she commented that he must have taken a shower bc he didn't smell today. 😱
I have a particularly volatile and dramatic mother who I suspect has a histrionic adaptation. She behaved in this exact manner. Probably the first exposure to what hidden hostility and passive aggressiveness was at that young age. Long before any child should be exposed to such mind games. Thank you for bringing this up! In most cultures it is rude to talk about an adult as if he/she is not right there. Children are people too. To my recollection very few adults validated my mothers conplaints about us. Pity fishing had not stopped nonetheless. It was devastating to be the subject of smearing and character assassination with no voice or protector.
When I was a kid going through abuse, I prayed for someone like you. Just to acknowledge what was happening even if you didn’t say anything. I remember being out in public with my dad thinking “can’t anyone see?!?! Can’t anyone save me from him?” Not saying you’d save me, but just to have the truth acknowledged is what would save someone - but thankfully I was able to do the self work too. Aloha friend
My dad used to bully me in front of my friends and try to get them to put me down and insult me with him, he still does it around my family in the strangers in public. He’d say things about how stupid and worthless and retarded and ugly and unclean. I am peeing even now that none of those are actual issues and I’m an adult and all of that is very long behind me. He’ll still make jokes around family about how I probably haven’t bathed in days.
My mother is a Narc... and she has put my siblings down for our entire lives... I simply ignore her and know her grandmother put her down. I've broken the cycle.
My mother used to do the same with me and over the years I've heard other mothers (and it is generally mothers) do the same. I have also noted their kids' reactions as defeatist and like someone whose closest, trusted, best friend has let them down.
This hits home. This happened to me repeatedly from the time I was very young right through teenage years. She publicly shamed me to anyone who would listen.
Boy, there are a lot of those parents around. When you do meet a kid that has that sad blank expression when being talked about negatively, give them your silliest face. It's why I stick my tongue out and cross my eyes when I see toddlers like that, bring back a spark in that kid's face.
I know that tone well. The "tone" is full of Smirk and Sadism. The "tone" is bragging to others about the so-called fallacies the targeted child/spouse displays (especially if they're already ADHD or something similar) while the N relishes in their own word choice, body language, theatrical devaluing and undercurrent threats and actions to subvert, demean and humiliate them in front of others... While playing it as sweetly as a carrot cake dessert. This is how I know what my mother is. Once I began to recognize her sadism, my memories took on a different light, and I could SEE it. I could see her now. That's when everything changed in Me. And what was between us will never be the same. And I'm okay with that.
This video unlocked some memories for me. I can't exactly remember what my mom told to who, but I had very obvious Tourette's, shyness, obsessive-compulsive behavior, tantrums/meltdowns, separation anxiety, and bedwetting problems as a kid. She would mainly tell this stuff to doctors, but never really seeked out a real solution for it. And now that I hear you talking about this, it seems as though she was mainly just sharing that stuff about me to gain sympathy for herself. It makes me wonder if this was all Munchausen by proxy. After all, the way she would treat all my trauma symptoms made me feel like an inconvenience, like a hole in the wall that she had to fix. It was never about me or making things better for me. I feel like it was always about her claiming as much victimhood status from our alcoholic father as possible. Even when she divorced him, it was about her and never about us children who had just lost a parent on top of experiencing life-altering trauma.
Thank you so much for this. I was about 5/6 years old when I overheard my mum talking about me to my aunty in the kitchen. I nearly walked in but for some reason didn't, hid behind the kitchen door and listened. My mum (who was cruel, abusive, anxious, neglectful, nasty, demeaning woman whom I've now cut off) was expressing her anger to her 'She's the worst, she's a huge problem, she's my biggest pain' I blocked out the rest of what she said because it was a traumatic moment for me. I was a lovely, sweet child but for some reason my parents labelled me a horrible 'thing'. It was horrifying as she continued to do this when I was an adult and it still feels horrifying.
I grew up in a super religious family and church where there was a lot of purity culture and shaming around the sexuality of teens. There was always casual bashing of unwanted pregnancies, thrown around as a cliché of stupid behaviour. The thing I picked up on is that children are conditionally wanted. Bashing unwanted pregnancy is bashing children by proxy. A can’t believe the way that adults can talk so casually about “consequences for sexual sin” in front of children.
The impression I had When my mother did this to me as a struggling teenager when discussing her issues with me with complete strangers was that it was beneficial to her in three ways. First- avoidance of dealing with the problem directly with me. Secondly, she was seeking attention through trashing me. Third, she was deflecting from her neglectful parenting.
My mother have said it many times. She once called me a whore. Because I was wearing makeup. She was judging me constantly. She also used to doubt my abilities and potential and always say in front of me to myself and also in my absence. She used to tell me that I won't be successful and when i even try to tell my dreams or giving some hints that this is what i want to do in my life, she never understood it and sometimes attack my gender that just because I'm a woman i won't able to do that. She never trusted my abilities. It gave me trauma. I also know why she react this way because of the intergenerational trauma she carry from her mother. Thank you! Daniel. I'm still learning trying to cut off from my family. I've set a lot of boundaries. It gives me peace. And I'll continue to do that. Trying to cut off from family in India is like a matter of life and death and especially for a woman. But I'll do it anyways.
This is horrible 😫. You can't use these kinda words to your child. I'm sorry for you child. Hope you are safe and be safe from your toxic family dear child. 😘❤️ I don't know who you are but sending you tremendous amount of love and light from an other part of the world. You deserve love and light. ❤️ They were just pushing their trash on you and I'm glad you realised that escaped from the situation and found your own place for peace. ❤️ Don't let anyone who make you feel down get near you. Love you ❤️❤️.
i wish i had done it in my 30s, youve got some life left to enjoy in a healthy way , I also think its one of the hardest things a person can do , you must have a strong character .
I hope you did. My daughter labeled me toxic because she was forced to choose. I’m not perfect but I made a point to provide things to help her be a stronger more independent person.
It's the absolute worst thing for the Child.....Just as encouragement love and nurturing are the best....Our Children believe our words..they are innocent....words will destroy...or give life.....tell them they can Fly...over and over....then watch....Thanx for the videos
My father said many hurtful things both about me and to me over the years. As I begin to unpack decades of trauma, I am only beginning to realize how deep it cut me.
It’s so sad. So many people did not have their children for good reasons in the first place. And as the person commenting below, I was born in the 60s. Children were truly treated like dogs and were not understood to be young “human beings” at all. Our feelings, words and thoughts just did not mean any more than the bleating of a sheep! Horrible. And it has not stopped. :(
Oh yeah most of my relatives loved to smear and slander me my whole life especially my mother. I didn't realize till late in my life that virtually all of my relatives were/are extremely covert narcissists or psychopaths. I've realized that I somehow learned to automatically block out of my concious mind countless things mom and other relatives did or said to me, although I'm guessing my subconscious mind probably remembered most of it. Consequently my life is pretty completely ruined late in my life and throughout it also. And yeah I've realized my mother actually thrived off torturing and robbing me. There's much more, long story, but I believe my relatives especially my mother used me as a satanic human sacrifice. I could go way more into detail but I believe its more than just psychology behind it all
Another one is the kind of funny way of talking about the way your boy likes a girl (or likes someone). This happened to me, I realised I was better off not showing interest in talking to any girl with parents knowledge because mum would just embarrass me about it.
I am the youngest with 2 older brothers. When I began to learn to read my whole family laught about the way I was pronouncing. I even became a running Gag until years later. When I was older I found out my grandpa took my mother from her higher education school, even though she had normal slightly above average Grades. When her older brother became an engineer and intellectual. Just writing in english makes me cringe about myself🙈
In front or behind the back, parents do complain. They try excuse themselves from any responsibility in this way, by shifting the blame onto the child.
I had a similar bragging-like experience when it comes to mental illness. I think it was a way to offset the negative feelings that they had about potentially having failed as a caretaker.
I’ve both witnessed this happening to children and experienced it happening to myself by my father especially as a child? It hurts so much. I wish parents realized what their venting in this way did to their children.
My bedroom was right next to my parents and I’d remember waking up and hearing them talking in their room about me. Their bedroom door would always be open. And I would just hear glimpses of things and then I would start to get emotional and angry, paranoid and scared. I remember hating the sound of my dad’s soft voice. I remember feeling like throwing up. And I remember feeling like he always did things to try to provoke me and shame me. My mom never could stand up to him and went along with everything he said and I struggle so much because of this. To never have someone to stand up for you but to claim they love you. My mom passed away two months ago and I couldn’t tell her how much it hurt. She always denied it. And my heart breaks and it’s hard to breathe when I think about it still. I don’t know why she did it. I don’t know why I was a joke to them. When I’m sensitive and hear people’s laughter I become paranoid that people are laughing at me. I don’t know why they spend so many years breaking my heart.
Mr. Mackler, I wonder if it would be very good for our current society, if you would begin a coalition of clients and therapists. This way the perspective can be changed - hopefully to where society won't view people with licensing as the only people competent to care and help individuals. Thank you for what you are doing for this world. Miraculous!
Daniels TALKS are turning out to be the best form of THERAPY I have ever found ! .......... Leaves you with no more Questions !!! * REAL Human SHARING his experiences & knowledge GOOD WORK ! Must be rewarding now !
I think the silver lining from this video for me, is that, realizing your parents were treated the same way when they were young by their parents, you learn to forgive them and be more able to move on with your life.
Visiting my mom, 7 years ago, I found a message in my room, where I would see it. She disparraged me to her friends. I asked her about the letter, and she had excuses for exagerating. My take: use adversity. I resolved right there, I would not be returning, not even for a funeral. Why? These friends have a bad opiinion of me. I give myself permission to avoid that nasty, final chapter. No going back .
This is a common narcissistic trait… even more common in covert narcissistic mothers. Narcissistic parents view their children as extensions of themselves instead of individuals.
Daniel: Prior to this particular video, I watched your video on the world needing to break away from the family system. And this particular video, "Parents who talk negatively ..." is precisely the reason why breaking away from the toxic family system is so necessary, so important, in order to be able to begin to heal. Staying in a toxic family system is the equivalent of going to a water source that is poisoned, and drinking that water does not "hydrate" the spirit and the soul of the individual. It only further reinforces the original poisoned messages the individual received as a child. The mother at the party you attended which you described sounds so much like "mother." As a child I was bright and talented, I was precocious. "Mother" being a narcissist (she had NPD), let me know how painful, to her, my aliveness was, and she proceeded to abuse me in so many ways. Rather than face her demons, she poured her rage on me for what, obviously, others had done to her. Between her and my older "brother" sexually abusing me, they managed to break something in me that still feels hopelessly broken. So, your videos are precious, because they are about truth, about overcoming, about achieving triumph over hellish childhood experiences, that on the surface, to the limited human mind, seem impossible to overcome. Along with my daily conversations with Higher Power, my journaling and other things I engage in in the hopes of Higher Power Resuscitating me, I very often think of you and send you many air hugs and much love. In a world that feels like the movie, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," a person speaking truth, and seeking healing and wholeness ... well, they are going to come across as quite odd, if not weird. But, there are others like you who want the light. Please remember that. Thank you!
Hearing this story, I just wonder why people have children. Obviously the woman you're talking about was not even aware of what she was doing. Was she also a therapist? There is also the parent that says bad things about one child to another. Pitting one child against another and then the parents wonder why their children do not get along. Maybe, Daniel you can do a video on this topic.
My mom will tell everyone around her about me not helping her @ all with anything, be it chores, doing the dishes, doing grocery shopping etc.... When truth is, I do help which includes being her personalize pump attendant at the gas station. Mind you, she's pretty elderly & I'm in my 30s.
beside the Quality of the Speech, be it made of positive Compliments or despicable Insults, the Kid suffers because, he or she feels as he or she is getting considered and treated, as an ''Object'' inanimated, and I know this ''by Chance'', provided that this ''talking about her, while se was there, but totally ignoring herself'', occured to a ''Friend'' of mine, who actually reported this to me, talking to me about that ''horrible Experience that just occurred to her'', and this was very many Years ago. Charity and Salvation to everyone.
Between minutes 9 and 10 , that describes how I think I was (subconsciously, unbenost to me) when I was in my twenties & having my oldest son&child as a mother. I have worked to improve myself since he was born, and understand so so so much more, than years in the past.
I hate when parents do this. I also hated when my own child was a baby and a parent would say right in front of their elementary school-age kids that babies are the "sweetest" and that infancy is the "best age."
I think that fact that I have very few memories of my childhood and sometimes I even question myself if they are real, has a connection with being so much repressed in school and home.
It seems she was trying to visit on him some sort of natural consequence like "If you behave in a non conformant way, the world will talk badly about you and not accept you" but I've learned along the way with my kids that my role is to try to help them avoid the natural consequence, its much worse than using compassion with them to draw them to the conclusion that is healthy,
I have so many bad memories from my parents that i really dont remember if they did also this one ....now i can recall that the answer is propably yes ...
Parents don't view their kids as people but as things or as pets. You'd have no compunction discussing your cat with your guests in front of it. That's how they view kids.
I have also made the observation that my parents often treated me like a dog
You mean bad parents.
@@OdiousCoprophagus Bad is the norm
I don't treat my dog with such disrespect.
@yello I've dealt with it in my family, and the families of many friends. Bad parenting isn't the norm of everyday, but it's the norm in most families to do something that qualifies quite often.
I myself was shutdown almost every time I opened my mouth or did anything as a teenager.
There may be some bias in my opinion, but I've never heard of a place where being nurturing is the norm.
You're a boss. I realized early that my parents were both idiots and I moved out soon as I could. I'm pretty successful now despite their predictions.
It’s called a martyr complex.
Wazzat mean
mild Munchausen by Proxy
@@AstroMartine oh yea. I just learned about that the other day. “Oh you poor mother, to have such a burdensome child !”
My mother once spoke about me with extended family, and I overheard it from another room. They were speaking about me being so silent and timid, "strange". And being that kind of kid made me feel even worse about myself. Now I am a problem, strange problem. More shame added.
And it was a lie. I had my mouth shut so many times, I was not listen to so many times, I was abused by her and my father so many times, beaten, neglected and left alone. And now, all of the problems they created within me, can be just blamed on me, so that she feel like a poor parent with troubled child. Another point for her after being a wife of an alcoholic(that she chose and gave 4 children to). This is how I feel about it today.
Thanks for bringing this topic up Daniel.
I hope you found peace within yourself after enduring that as a child. Thank you for being here.
You’re healing generations thank you for your truth 😊
My mother once apologised to a visiting school friend, explaining that I was "rather stupid". As a young adult I started work in a men's clothing store. A mother came in with a group of her friends and her teenage son. These women teased this lad, all laughing and cackling right in front of me. I felt terrible for him and tried to commucate solidaty and sympathy ...... there are plenty of ways that parents can take out their own anger on their kids without raising a hand to them at all. It's incredibly destructive.
Animals are way better at treating children than humans.
No way😅😂
Not really. Animals can be pretty viscous when raising young.
My mother talked about me (how horrible I am) both in front of me and when I was absent. She loved destroying my reputation when she talked about me with neighbours, colleagues and family members. She wanted them to hate me, and even my 'golden child' brother whom she loved (if a psychopath can love anyone) admits she set everyone up against me including my father who did everything she wanted including beating me severely on so many occasions it became his favourite way to release anger. This was the only thing that could satisfy her because this was the only thing she knew from her own childhood.
That is a horribly sad story, Rosemary, I grew up under similar circumstances to yours.
Are you in contact with either one of them today?
I understand if you decide not to answer.
You deserved better then, and I hope you have provided that for yourself now.
Best of luck to you, Wayne
Oh yeah most of my relatives loved to smear and slander me my whole life especially my mother.
I didn't realize till late in my life that virtually all of my relatives were/are extremely covert narcissists or psychopaths.
I've realized that I somehow learned to automatically block out of my concious mind countless things mom and other relatives did or said to me, although I'm guessing my subconscious mind probably remembered most of it.
Consequently my life is pretty completely ruined late in my life and throughout it also.
And yeah I've realized my mother actually thrived off torturing and robbing me.
There's much more, long story, but I believe my relatives especially my mother used me as a satanic human sacrifice.
I could go way more into detail but I believe its more than just psychology behind it all.
i can relate to all 3 of your replies, i found out at 48 i was not weird ,or all the other things, i was aspergic , simple really ... but i also worked out what was going on, especially when i visited my sisters kids who had grown up and they repeated stupid things i said 30 years ago !! my sis has been remining everyone every year i would imagine . THEN at 55 i was accused of 'spying on women getting dressed' because i had a drone !!!! by my own mother , something snapped and i came home and wrote them both letters telling them , in the most brutal terms i could muster to leave me alone dont ever contact me etc etc , its been 6 months now and its GREAAT
@@waynemizer4912 I'd have to write a very lengthy reply to give you an idea why I'm where I am today so let me just say that I still live with her and my almost adult son. I'm aware of how destructive it is. When I was younger I was much more courageous so I made several attempts to leave but I'd always come back. I wish my life turned out different. She was very successful at convincing me that I would never make it without her, that I would not SURVIVE by myself, that the world is a very dangerous place and that people will eat me alive. At first I was rebelious, but when one day I went for a trip with my friend, her boyfriend and his friends and was brutally gang raped her words became like a prophecy. I was married but it didn't work either, I would always come back to her. I'm basically her servant now but at this point she's pretty harmless. I know I won't get better as long as I live with her (and in this God forsaken town!) so we're planning to move out in a couple years when my son will start university. I hope I can make it this time. Also, I think it's important that whoever reads this message realises that my parents where otherwise very cultured and highly educated individuals respected by friends, neighbours and everyone who knew them. I have never heard them say one vulgar word or drink alcohol. My mother is a retired psychologist (!). No one knew what was happening at home, how they turned into monsters behind closed doors, but because they were looked up to by everyone that knew them I believed for many many years that it was my fault, that they're right, I'm the bad one. I don't have any contact with my father any more.
She is a narcissist!
I'm 44 and my parents still do this! And I recently found out that they talk behind my back and tell complete lies! Now, I understand why people have weird reactions towards me! I stopped giving any information about myself to my parents and siblings. It's a sick, twisted dynamic... well, I stopped giving information to anyone. Now, I keep it to myself!
My only sibling is the same but violent too. They cant figure out why I can’t stand to be around them.
So important to identify this. Good job
Now i remember .....me and my brother after a lot of abuse and beatings we were weting the bed ...and the cycle was unending ...dont know what came first
Break out of that, find other true selves and build
When he grows up she'll complain she never sees him because he's moved to the other side of the earth and married an Asian.
Bro wtf why u gotta hit me with that im just scrollin here 😂
I grew up like that,
I even have this vague memory of a stranger lady, in public, checking my mom and telling her that that is not a way to talk to a child.
She used to call me beast and try to make me look like an uncontrollable kid, who just stumbles onto things and the worst part is, munchhausen by proxy...
Oh poor mom, her kid is always sick... making me take in medicine and weird terrible liquids that I don't even know it they weren't poisons, to be completely honest!
I think those parents are delusional. A line from a metallica song always stuck in my mind.. "you lie so much, you believe yourself". I think they tell the lie so many times that at some point the accept it as truth, and we do become these "problematic kids" to them as parents.
People who are anchored into the truth, reality and logic, absolutely trigger them.
🖤🙏🖤 heard!
I think the truth is simply that most of the parents are just not prepared to have children. They simply do not know how to care for them. Which is why I have decided very early on that I am never going to have children. Our parents have put us into this world and now it's onto us to repair the damage that was done inevitably...
I've had the same experience with my parents and decided early on that I don't want to have kids partly because I am aware my parents had no parenting skills and consequently hadn't passed any onto me. I would probably turn out to be a difficult parent myself and I'd rather avoid inflicting that on myself or my potential children. I'm not craving the experience either so there's really no point.
What made you decide to not have children in your lifetime?
what bothers me is that most people aren’t that self-aware, to admit to themselves that they have no parenting skills and would pass on an insecure attachment to their kids
they get kids for selfish reasons - passing on their dna, filling a void in their life and don’t care at all about what kind of a parent their children will have
Your “therefore” has some incredibly dark rationale in it. Perhaps you should focus on healing the place in you that arises from before condemning your options for a genuinely healthy life because I think you underestimate how important raising your own children are to that in the end. I relate to the impulse, but please realise how much of a trap not having them is, it’s harder to see than the “trap” of having them, until it’s too late. Best of luck.
@@hmfogptditf there are a couple of reasons why I decided not to have children. The ecological crisis being one of them. And our flawed educational system. I could name a couple more. No. The bloodline in my family is going to end with this generation. I just don’t want my kids to grow up in a world with melting glaciers and no bees or insects. I know our parents probably may have similar thought process. But I just don’t want my kids to spend their old age in the 2100s….
A lot of parents reject certain aspects of their child. Sometimes they'll use social shaming as a way to make it stick.
My Mom literally admitted that she thought public shaming was an appropriate way for me to "teach" my daughter. That really made me wonder how she raised me...
Narcissists do this. They like to talk down about their child like they are the perfect parent and the child is the problem. My momster did this with all 4 of her children. Narcissists with covert narcissism LOVE to play the victim. As their children, we are nothing but a doll to them: no rights, no feelings, no needs. We exist strictly for them to dress up, place around the movie-set of their "perfect" delusional life.
A strong self DEFINITELY threatens a narcissistic parent. They'll beat it out of you, if they can't crush your spirit any other way (verbal abuse, manipulation).
Why are we talking negatively about our children period. Keep them safe and grow yourself a decent human being by example. Stop berating your children.
My father basically called me a whore in front of all his extended family after I travelled abroad to meet a guy I'd been in a long distance relationship with in my early 20s. Everyone was in complete shock and disbelief with the way he reacted, including me, it just came out of nowhere and without solicitation, we were on very good terms and I looked up to him, we hadn't discussed it before and he did not express any thoughts or discontent about it previously, I was completely caught off guard by his outburst. He's had such unexpected outbursts on several occasions on various other topics throughout his lifetime and I gradually realised he's a very repressed person and not as cool and benign as he'd like to come across as and that caused me to slowly distance myself from him. We're no longer on speaking terms and I try to avoid him as much as I can these days, though he seems to be blissfully unaware of any of it.
My mother basically has the exact same behaviour so I'm not surprised at all to hear your story because my mother has also freaked out on me over the strangest things throughout my life. Often things that SHE in her strange inner world believes or feels is "a shame to society" (but which very few people would agree on - it could for example be that I'm not "manly enough" and other bisarre things). As far as I know though she has never done that to me in public BUT she really does "sneak up on me" when I'm at my most most vulnerable and chooses to explode right at that moment. Almost like she aims to make the maximum amount of damage possible. It has ruined a lot of holidays and important milestones in my life. Often I get EXTREMELY angry back at her which I don't like either because for a second it feels like I also am about to loose control in the same way. But I have never treated anyone else in my life in that way so I can safely say that I don't have that tendency inside of me (but I do really dislike the fact that I react so strongly back at her). I believe she is aware of the issue but I believe she suppresses it to the extreme (because for one she is not very "lady like" when she freaks out). I totally understand your attitude towards your father. It really messes with ones emotions to feel support from someone but at the same time knowing that it all can end in an aggressive strange outburst really at any time for any absurd reason... as if you dealt with two persons at the same time. My mother even told me when I was a child during one of her outbursts "DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING!" which was SO absurd to hear - almost like she was "possessed" in that moment! I believe she was sort of possessed though... by her own anxiety of not fitting in in society.
EDIT: The stuff I have heard my mother say about me in public is mostly about "being normal". "The normal stuff" parents seem to talk about about their children. This culture is very much "a fitting in culture" indeed (as if being "not normal in some way" leads to the downfall of all civilisation or something).
@@spacebear916 many thanks for sharing, yes I've had an uncannily similar experience with my mother too. Both of my parents have had a pattern of bizzare behaviours and they've certainly been in a toxic co-dependent relationship. Looking back, I'd say they both have undiagnozed personality disorders and probably childhood trauma. My mother had the same emotional pattern, she'd try to show concern and end up elevating and amplifying my emotional distress, and it was almost like she'd sense when I was at my lowest and what pushed my buttons. The best way I can describe it is emotional vampirism, she fed on my negative emotions and would know how to recognize, induce and amplify them. I'm not sure she was even aware of the effect she had on me. But at least she was consistent and I knew what to expect of her, while my father would just have his bizzare outbursts once in a while out of the blue, bringing up the most inappropriate things, in the most innapropriate ways and for no good reason. Btw since I stopped caring and decided to draw the line with her, my communication with my mother has improved 100%, we are now able to sit down and talk like adults without any of us feeling threatened, hurt or distressed and it's turned into a decent, no nonsense type of mother-daughter relationship that I never experienced before and am quite happy with. I can't say the same about my father, we used to be very close but I don't really know what to expect of him anymore. Trying to open up and talk only makes him angrier and more unpredictable and he reverts to addressing me as if I were a child which is quite disturbing. So the only thing I can do to protect myself is keep my distance.
@@spacebear916 Thank you.. Your explanation of how you feel about (rightfully) reacting was very relatable to me
Turning 30 soon - my mother has been doing it for YEARS up until recent past. Complained to my boyfriend whom she'd recently met about me being a 'difficult' teen (I was not. I was an average teen going through average struggles and that's when her narcissistic features started to show) and about not meeting her academic expectations at uni. This was one of a hundred reasons that led to my recent decision to go no contact. Discrediting a loved one, be it a child, a friend or a partner, in front of someone else, is a distrurbing behavior that tells A LOT about the relationship.
Oooh yes. I feel like parents’ narcissism really tends to show when teenhood begins because this is when there’s a LOT more self differentiation that goes on, and a needed self differentiation at that!
That was my experience as well, it’s neat to finally have that reflected back to me 🙂🙏
For me, it was wildly confusing. My mother had very high academic expectations for me when I was in elementary school, but at the same time her strong negligence sent me another message. I will never forget the burden of guilt that she herself dared to place on me.
To this day, when I am in college, she still wants to put that burden on me, although at least today I am exercising more of my due power as a person.
It is crazy to think that this and much more is what people so close to us can do to us when we find ourselves without power.
My mom told me "if you werent my daughter, i wouldn't even want to be around you. "
Wow.. that’s intense.. I’ve just recently.. in my 50’s realized my mother hasn’t enjoyed being w me.. and I gave her sooo much love.. and ended up destroying my life.. trying to help her heal and be happy .. w me.. Ei… so much love to You ♥️♥️♥️
My mom always did this like it was funny. People would tell me it was wrong but I was used to it & my dad did nothing to protect me.
So many fathers are like this, I’ve seen this so many times
I was in kitchen making coffee while my father talking with my mother's brother on phone. The conversation was about money, father complaining on his pension. Uncle said " maybe you would put the "younger cow" for sale? - I'd like to sell, but no-one wants a crap.
How good it is to hear such things from your parent.
This video made me think about how kids are treated in other contexts. It reminded me of a video of a young boy, perhaps not even ten years old, beating a famous (and quite strong!) chess streamer at chess. Instead of congratulating him on his victory like you would an adult, there was an atmosphere of condescention, of disrespect,with the implication that the boy somehow did not deserve the win.
I have a theory that most adults are stuck as idiotic 9 year olds. To not congratulate a child. Talk about pathetic. They do their ancestors who became mature at 16 years old a disgrace.
These types of parents view children as objects. As my father told me many years ago after I told him how my classmates were calling me fat. He said:”All your fat belongs to me.” What?!!!
I used to wake up in the morning, sun shining on such a beautiful day, hearing my parents talk about me, mock me, and laugh at me. Genuinely ripping me apart, picking me apart, analyzing me, breaking me down. It was so traumatizing. Love to y'all. I remember how their voices sounded like poison. They would try to whisper but always be loud enough for me to hear them and I feel that was conscious. When I heard my dad talking "softly" in the morning, I would become incredibly angry because it was always connected to that. They found so much joy in making me question my value.
I got cancer last year at 57 and it was an eye opener for me because my family couldnt show any real ...empathy without attaching a negative of some sort , (and my sisters a nurse!!) they would rather sit in silence that show real emotional concern , THEN the more weak i got the more they ramped up the verbal covert beatings, it was so odd it just smacked me in the face that ive been an idiot listening to them at all , let alone for 50 odd years , her 3 husbands could only put up with it for 10 years each so i figured ive done my time , and it was time for them to go ...i don't mean they are under the patio, i just wrote and told them to go away ...it was quite brutal to be honest , BUT incredibly restrained given the 54 years it had been building. definately recommend walking away from all narccissists and control freaks
i think i used the word harridan at one point.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. This happened to me when I was fighting cancer 6 years ago. It was so cruel. It changed me.
@@stealthwarrior5768 i think i know what you mean.
These lames prey on the weak even if they caused the injury. Acting like Skeksis without the acting.
I know it's been a year, but I hope you're doing better now
I can totally relate to this. Both myself and my brother have disabilities which are an inconvenience to my mother. It truly feels horrible to be on the receiving end of. I have much more distance from her and speak up for myself when I need to.
My mother did this and destroyed my self image
This is perhaps the most difficult thing about being a therapist and working with families.
My parent loved to martyr themself by telling others how difficult I was as a child. I think they covertly gained narcissistic supply from others by doing this. But listening to your enlightening explanation here, a new thought came to me. When my parent can "know" and say that I had/have medical or mental deficiencies, such as adhd or some kind of autism spectrum, then they can attempt to free themselves of the responsibility of causing all this damage to me through my upbringing. And can now claim that all my troubles in life aren't their fault, but the fault of my own and a result of some disorders. My parent didn't nuture me or care for me or supply my needs, then they punished and shamed me brutally when i misbehaved and acted out. I have had a troubled life as a result. I have experienced lots of trauma due to neglect and not being taught to value myself amd toxic shame for all the punishment and criticism against me. But they would like the opportunity to blame a disorder or disfunction of mine and free themselves of the reality that they failed me as a single parent and hirt me woth their blame and anger. They utterly neglected me and did not nurish me or care for me or teach me to care for myself. And always kept me in their debt both psychologically and financially. Making sure I always knew what a burden I was to them. This has been such a difficult thing to awaken to. Thank you for your talks. They help a lot. Best wishes, Paul.
Well my father used to insult me all the time when I was a child, from as long as I can remember, calling me retard, idiot what not. I was always curious to try new things and he'd say "don't touch that, you destroy everything you touch" which even if true, was probably normal for a small child. He'd say this to me since I was a toddler. I remember being shocked when he praised me for how smart I was in front of a co-worker who was visiting at our home, when I was around 10, bragging about how smart I was in math.. I was sitting there in stupor like "who is this?". It wasn't until a few years ago that I read that's typical narcissistic behavior - putting their kids down in private while praising them in front of strangers. I remember even as a kid having a suspicion that my father was jealous of me, and as an adult I realized I was more than likely right. By the age of 5 I could speak English almost fluently(from TV) and could use a computer despite not even knowing how to read, and he was in his 40s with a high status in the military and couldn't speak English and was worse at using a computer than I was - this was in the early 90s.
Oh my goodness...your comment sparked memories in me. Thank you so much for this. My dad also hated on me in private but said good things about me in public. And my mum was both horrible in private and real life. Interesting !
and if she talks about him like that when there is people there, imagine what's said when there is no one around,
My mom constantly put me down in front of her friends. It was humiliating
My mother did this all the time.
Thanks for this, Daniel!
I don't recall my mother ever having a positive word for me or my brothers when we were younger. If I made a mistake where I had been cheated by some other kid in the schoolyard, she'd say, "well, they see you coming and they take advantage of you!" Or if I had a comment about something that she knew nothing about, she would be dismissive saying, "yeah, sure...what do you know?" On the other hand, especially when she had been drinking, I would become her little toy when she would become gushy, effusive and downright repulsive. The one memory that stands out the most was my last day of school in the fourth grade where I had a teacher who was the total opposite of my mother...warm, loving, engaging...genuinely interested in what I had to say. When she spoke to me I had her full attention. It was as though there was no one else in the room. I had wished at times that she would adopt me. When my mother arrived to pick me up, most of the other kids and there parents where saying goodbye to Ms. Fejis. When it was our turn, my mother had a short exchange with her and then I leaned forward, gave her a hug and said "thank you". I was a little sad that she wouldn't be returning in the fall. As we walked down the hallway to the door, my mother said to me, "you never hug me like that!" What occurs to me in hindsight is that should have been my line.
I don't know if this is what my parents did exactly but it is a 'given' in our family of origin that I'm paranoid, sensitive and emotional. If I try to defend myself I'm ''angry'' and ''defensive''. Even though it is my mother's defensiveness that prevents her from listening to me when I ask her to stop labelling me. I have gone round in circles with them. But I will get nowhere. I have stood firm in my interpretation of events but I have got the silent treatment. The only way the rift will be resolved is if I apologise for not having played the part they wrote for me. It's true, my parents do not realise I have a 'self'
The quiet boy at the beginning of your story who was very withdrawn into himself sounds disturbingly like me when I was growing past toddler age.
My mother passed almost 10 years ago , i dont feel like writing all tbe things she has done to me my entire life. I will say this since shes been dead for 10 years im finally healing. Im 50 and im finally getting in touch with parts of myself that i pushed down , i heard you say that in one of your other videos and it resinated with me. Thanks You !!
After watching your video, I watched my first Gabor Mate video - he spoke about how babies are born with a strong intuition, and how our society rips that away from them. He talks about our disconnect from nature - I was pleased to learn that his views very much align with yours. And speaking of authenticity, I can feel your authenticity shine through in this video - the way you passionately speak, your body language. It is rare in our world, because it's discouraged. Guard it well Daniel, and don't let anyone take it from you.
Reading the comments, I'm just so greatfull i have parents that always treated me as a little person and growing up i really felt that my opinion counted.
Thank you Mom and Dad ❤️
The mum of an ex ( lovely person) met my mother and commented on how I must have been a good kid. Her reply was spat out as no 'I had been a horrible child'. She was and is a total bitch towards me but viewed by others as a wonderful lady. Covert Narcs are the worst kind ...
My narcissistic mother really enjoyed saying bad things about her children to everybody. She was looked as the victim and she loved it! I felt ashamed, hurt and later, full of rage@
I also was treated as as pet, they Never Took me serious.
I was at a Dinner with my Father once. We were eating with his boss and some co workers from work. Somehow the topic of online safety came up and my Father started divulging in every detail about how 8 year old me almost got lured by another man online. Going into all the humiliating details. I felt so horrible inside. I kicked his leg and just gave him the death stare and said "Stop." And he continued anyways. If was miserable.
I have a cello teacher, who when her teenage son came home, made a comment as he climbed the stairs that he always smells bad.
Next lesson he came into the room and she commented that he must have taken a shower bc he didn't smell today. 😱
I have a particularly volatile and dramatic mother who I suspect has a histrionic adaptation. She behaved in this exact manner. Probably the first exposure to what hidden hostility and passive aggressiveness was at that young age. Long before any child should be exposed to such mind games. Thank you for bringing this up! In most cultures it is rude to talk about an adult as if he/she is not right there. Children are people too. To my recollection very few adults validated my mothers conplaints about us. Pity fishing had not stopped nonetheless. It was devastating to be the subject of smearing and character assassination with no voice or protector.
When I was a kid going through abuse, I prayed for someone like you. Just to acknowledge what was happening even if you didn’t say anything. I remember being out in public with my dad thinking “can’t anyone see?!?! Can’t anyone save me from him?” Not saying you’d save me, but just to have the truth acknowledged is what would save someone - but thankfully I was able to do the self work too. Aloha friend
My dad used to bully me in front of my friends and try to get them to put me down and insult me with him, he still does it around my family in the strangers in public. He’d say things about how stupid and worthless and retarded and ugly and unclean. I am peeing even now that none of those are actual issues and I’m an adult and all of that is very long behind me. He’ll still make jokes around family about how I probably haven’t bathed in days.
My mother is a Narc... and she has put my siblings down for our entire lives... I simply ignore her and know her grandmother put her down. I've broken the cycle.
My mother used to do the same with me and over the years I've heard other mothers (and it is generally mothers) do the same. I have also noted their kids' reactions as defeatist and like someone whose closest, trusted, best friend has let them down.
This hits home. This happened to me repeatedly from the time I was very young right through teenage years. She publicly shamed me to anyone who would listen.
Boy, there are a lot of those parents around. When you do meet a kid that has that sad blank expression when being talked about negatively, give them your silliest face.
It's why I stick my tongue out and cross my eyes when I see toddlers like that, bring back a spark in that kid's face.
I know that tone well. The "tone" is full of Smirk and Sadism. The "tone" is bragging to others about the so-called fallacies the targeted child/spouse displays (especially if they're already ADHD or something similar) while the N relishes in their own word choice, body language, theatrical devaluing and undercurrent threats and actions to subvert, demean and humiliate them in front of others... While playing it as sweetly as a carrot cake dessert.
This is how I know what my mother is. Once I began to recognize her sadism, my memories took on a different light, and I could SEE it. I could see her now. That's when everything changed in Me. And what was between us will never be the same. And I'm okay with that.
This video unlocked some memories for me. I can't exactly remember what my mom told to who, but I had very obvious Tourette's, shyness, obsessive-compulsive behavior, tantrums/meltdowns, separation anxiety, and bedwetting problems as a kid.
She would mainly tell this stuff to doctors, but never really seeked out a real solution for it. And now that I hear you talking about this, it seems as though she was mainly just sharing that stuff about me to gain sympathy for herself. It makes me wonder if this was all Munchausen by proxy.
After all, the way she would treat all my trauma symptoms made me feel like an inconvenience, like a hole in the wall that she had to fix. It was never about me or making things better for me. I feel like it was always about her claiming as much victimhood status from our alcoholic father as possible.
Even when she divorced him, it was about her and never about us children who had just lost a parent on top of experiencing life-altering trauma.
My mum was friends with people who clearly hated me as a child. All of those people would later go on to betray/stab her in the back in some way.
Oh this is THE BEST! So enlightening. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
I couldn't stop smiling when the "omg a true self has appeared" came up. 😂 A truly rare sight! Almost unbelievable where I am at.
Thank you so much for this. I was about 5/6 years old when I overheard my mum talking about me to my aunty in the kitchen. I nearly walked in but for some reason didn't, hid behind the kitchen door and listened. My mum (who was cruel, abusive, anxious, neglectful, nasty, demeaning woman whom I've now cut off) was expressing her anger to her 'She's the worst, she's a huge problem, she's my biggest pain' I blocked out the rest of what she said because it was a traumatic moment for me. I was a lovely, sweet child but for some reason my parents labelled me a horrible 'thing'. It was horrifying as she continued to do this when I was an adult and it still feels horrifying.
I grew up in a super religious family and church where there was a lot of purity culture and shaming around the sexuality of teens. There was always casual bashing of unwanted pregnancies, thrown around as a cliché of stupid behaviour. The thing I picked up on is that children are conditionally wanted. Bashing unwanted pregnancy is bashing children by proxy. A can’t believe the way that adults can talk so casually about “consequences for sexual sin” in front of children.
I had the same upbringing and trying to dismantle this as well as trauma is soo tough!
The impression I had When my mother did this to me as a struggling teenager when discussing her issues with me with complete strangers was that it was beneficial to her in three ways. First- avoidance of dealing with the problem directly with me. Secondly, she was seeking attention through trashing me. Third, she was deflecting from her neglectful parenting.
Sadly, I relate to you.
You’re describing my narcissistic mother and grandmother EXACTLY
My mother have said it many times. She once called me a whore. Because I was wearing makeup. She was judging me constantly. She also used to doubt my abilities and potential and always say in front of me to myself and also in my absence. She used to tell me that I won't be successful and when i even try to tell my dreams or giving some hints that this is what i want to do in my life, she never understood it and sometimes attack my gender that just because I'm a woman i won't able to do that. She never trusted my abilities. It gave me trauma. I also know why she react this way because of the intergenerational trauma she carry from her mother.
Thank you! Daniel. I'm still learning trying to cut off from my family. I've set a lot of boundaries. It gives me peace.
And I'll continue to do that. Trying to cut off from family in India is like a matter of life and death and especially for a woman. But I'll do it anyways.
You can do it.✨
This is horrible 😫. You can't use these kinda words to your child. I'm sorry for you child. Hope you are safe and be safe from your toxic family dear child. 😘❤️ I don't know who you are but sending you tremendous amount of love and light from an other part of the world. You deserve love and light. ❤️ They were just pushing their trash on you and I'm glad you realised that escaped from the situation and found your own place for peace. ❤️ Don't let anyone who make you feel down get near you.
Love you ❤️❤️.
@@ariaa8692 Thank You so much. I needed to hear those words 😧😞 ❤
@@manviiam That's why I said it. ❤️
@@manviiam I guess my words don’t count 😔
I walked away from half a lifetime of familial, toxic relationships several years ago in my late 30s.
I recommend, and wish I had done it sooner.
i wish i had done it in my 30s, youve got some life left to enjoy in a healthy way ,
I also think its one of the hardest things a person can do , you must have a strong character .
I hope you did. My daughter labeled me toxic because she was forced to choose. I’m not perfect but I made a point to provide things to help her be a stronger more independent person.
It's the absolute worst thing for the Child.....Just as encouragement love and nurturing are the best....Our Children believe our words..they are innocent....words will destroy...or give life.....tell them they can Fly...over and over....then watch....Thanx for the videos
Daniel thank you very much for all your videos.......
My father said many hurtful things both about me and to me over the years. As I begin to unpack decades of trauma, I am only beginning to realize how deep it cut me.
Been there, seen that! Some people love elevating themselves and getting attention from the problems of other people.
It’s so sad. So many people did not have their children for good reasons in the first place. And as the person commenting below, I was born in the 60s. Children were truly treated like dogs and were not understood to be young “human beings” at all. Our feelings, words and thoughts just did not mean any more than the bleating of a sheep! Horrible. And it has not stopped. :(
Oh yeah most of my relatives loved to smear and slander me my whole life especially my mother.
I didn't realize till late in my life that virtually all of my relatives were/are extremely covert narcissists or psychopaths.
I've realized that I somehow learned to automatically block out of my concious mind countless things mom and other relatives did or said to me, although I'm guessing my subconscious mind probably remembered most of it.
Consequently my life is pretty completely ruined late in my life and throughout it also.
And yeah I've realized my mother actually thrived off torturing and robbing me.
There's much more, long story, but I believe my relatives especially my mother used me as a satanic human sacrifice.
I could go way more into detail but I believe its more than just psychology behind it all
Very perspective, very enlightening!
Another one is the kind of funny way of talking about the way your boy likes a girl (or likes someone). This happened to me, I realised I was better off not showing interest in talking to any girl with parents knowledge because mum would just embarrass me about it.
I am the youngest with 2 older brothers. When I began to learn to read my whole family laught about the way I was pronouncing. I even became a running Gag until years later.
When I was older I found out my grandpa took my mother from her higher education school, even though she had normal slightly above average Grades.
When her older brother became an engineer and intellectual.
Just writing in english makes me cringe about myself🙈
In front or behind the back, parents do complain. They try excuse themselves from any responsibility in this way, by shifting the blame onto the child.
You have no idea how much I and so many people find comfort in your channel😔
Please keep up the good work🤍
I had a similar bragging-like experience when it comes to mental illness. I think it was a way to offset the negative feelings that they had about potentially having failed as a caretaker.
I’ve both witnessed this happening to children and experienced it happening to myself by my father especially as a child? It hurts so much. I wish parents realized what their venting in this way did to their children.
This all makes so much sense!!!
My bedroom was right next to my parents and I’d remember waking up and hearing them talking in their room about me. Their bedroom door would always be open. And I would just hear glimpses of things and then I would start to get emotional and angry, paranoid and scared. I remember hating the sound of my dad’s soft voice. I remember feeling like throwing up. And I remember feeling like he always did things to try to provoke me and shame me. My mom never could stand up to him and went along with everything he said and I struggle so much because of this. To never have someone to stand up for you but to claim they love you. My mom passed away two months ago and I couldn’t tell her how much it hurt. She always denied it. And my heart breaks and it’s hard to breathe when I think about it still. I don’t know why she did it. I don’t know why I was a joke to them. When I’m sensitive and hear people’s laughter I become paranoid that people are laughing at me. I don’t know why they spend so many years breaking my heart.
I agree times a million. I am searching for my anger so i can heal. And yes, I consider it is sadistic as you suggest.
Mr. Mackler,
I wonder if it would be very good for our current society, if you would begin a coalition of clients and therapists. This way the perspective can be changed - hopefully to where society won't view people with licensing as the only people competent to care and help individuals. Thank you for what you are doing for this world. Miraculous!
You seem like a good guy, my friend. Thank you for your videos.
Daniels TALKS are turning out to be the best form of THERAPY I have ever found ! ..........
Leaves you with no more Questions !!!
* REAL Human SHARING his experiences & knowledge GOOD WORK ! Must be rewarding now !
I think the silver lining from this video for me, is that, realizing your parents were treated the same way when they were young by their parents, you learn to forgive them and be more able to move on with your life.
Visiting my mom, 7 years ago, I found a message in my room, where I would see it. She disparraged me to her friends. I asked her about the letter, and she had excuses for exagerating.
My take: use adversity.
I resolved right there, I would not be returning, not even for a funeral. Why? These friends have a bad opiinion of me. I give myself permission to avoid that nasty, final chapter. No going back
.
This is a common narcissistic trait… even more common in covert narcissistic mothers. Narcissistic parents view their children as extensions of themselves instead of individuals.
I would never talk about my kid like they're not in the room.
I have 😶 no words!
Daniel: Prior to this particular video, I watched your video on the world needing to break away from the family system. And this particular video, "Parents who talk negatively ..." is precisely the reason why breaking away from the toxic family system is so necessary, so important, in order to be able to begin to heal. Staying in a toxic family system is the equivalent of going to a water source that is poisoned, and drinking that water does not "hydrate" the spirit and the soul of the individual. It only further reinforces the original poisoned messages the individual received as a child. The mother at the party you attended which you described sounds so much like "mother." As a child I was bright and talented, I was precocious. "Mother" being a narcissist (she had NPD), let me know how painful, to her, my aliveness was, and she proceeded to abuse me in so many ways. Rather than face her demons, she poured her rage on me for what, obviously, others had done to her. Between her and my older "brother" sexually abusing me, they managed to break something in me that still feels hopelessly broken. So, your videos are precious, because they are about truth, about overcoming, about achieving triumph over hellish childhood experiences, that on the surface, to the limited human mind, seem impossible to overcome. Along with my daily conversations with Higher Power, my journaling and other things I engage in in the hopes of Higher Power Resuscitating me, I very often think of you and send you many air hugs and much love. In a world that feels like the movie, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," a person speaking truth, and seeking healing and wholeness ... well, they are going to come across as quite odd, if not weird. But, there are others like you who want the light. Please remember that. Thank you!
Hearing this story, I just wonder why people have children. Obviously the woman you're talking about was not even aware of what she was doing.
Was she also a therapist?
There is also the parent that says bad things about one child to another. Pitting one child against another and then the parents wonder why their children do not get along. Maybe, Daniel you can do a video on this topic.
My mom will tell everyone around her about me not helping her @ all with anything, be it chores, doing the dishes, doing grocery shopping etc.... When truth is, I do help which includes being her personalize pump attendant at the gas station. Mind you, she's pretty elderly & I'm in my 30s.
Wow. Well worded and elegant. Thx. Thank goodness I had loving parents, but it took me a long time to realize so many others around me did not.
beside the Quality of the Speech, be it made of positive Compliments or despicable Insults, the Kid suffers because, he or she feels as he or she is getting considered and treated, as an ''Object'' inanimated, and I know this ''by Chance'', provided that this ''talking about her, while se was there, but totally ignoring herself'', occured to a ''Friend'' of mine, who actually reported this to me, talking to me about that ''horrible Experience that just occurred to her'', and this was very many Years ago. Charity and Salvation to everyone.
Between minutes 9 and 10 , that describes how I think I was (subconsciously, unbenost to me) when I was in my twenties & having my oldest son&child as a mother. I have worked to improve myself since he was born, and understand so so so much more, than years in the past.
This is wonderful and so intuitively insightful re your Mother and others similar.
I hate when parents do this. I also hated when my own child was a baby and a parent would say right in front of their elementary school-age kids that babies are the "sweetest" and that infancy is the "best age."
great job daniel!
I think that fact that I have very few memories of my childhood and sometimes I even question myself if they are real, has a connection with being so much repressed in school and home.
But even when they're not in the room, I wouldn't talk badly about my children behind their back.
Really great video. You put my thoughts into words. Thank you.
Thank you Daniel for talking about this. This resembles so much about my mother, and it is so painful to experience.
It seems she was trying to visit on him some sort of natural consequence like "If you behave in a non conformant way, the world will talk badly about you and not accept you" but I've learned along the way with my kids that my role is to try to help them avoid the natural consequence, its much worse than using compassion with them to draw them to the conclusion that is healthy,
Thank You
I have so many bad memories from my parents that i really dont remember if they did also this one ....now i can recall that the answer is propably yes ...