A year after deciding to take two different week-long holidays with her “friend” (which I told her were not appropriate) including taking our children on one of them, and bumping me off a previously planned holiday for the other, my wife finally said “sorry” but still then went ahead with the holidays…. Followed by “it’s done now, let’s move on”
My wife is a Narcissist. She won't listen to any ideas I have and call them stupid... yet if her friends or family say the exact same thing.. suddenly the idea is Fantastic. She will then tell me my idea wasn't the same.. and I was foolish even mentioning it..
My ex said after the affair that his only sin was that he had hurt me. So a marriage commitment meant nothing to him. He even went as far as to say I did not own him.
He says ‘sorry’ ‘I feel so guilty about x y z’. Or I feel so guilty about how I have treated you. I can’t change…when pushed he says ‘clearly some part of me is resisting doing any work’. Blaming me for having rules ‘boundaries’. 30 plus years of emotional neglect, flirting in front of me and then cheating via social media. Then blaming me for not having unemotional sex….the list goes on and on.
He wrote apologise, though not genuine and after raging for 2 hours, then demand I say sorry too! For being abused for hours 🙄 zero accountability, it was like ground hog day, and I do deff think they're war unresolved childhood stuff there
Please, nobody take this video literally 100 %. What are this guy's credentials/background? Also demanding an apology would many times come from the victim, that's the person who has been hurt, humiliated and degraded. However, I can understand when the victim has been broken, he or she won't ask for an apology anymore.
Another thing narcissists don't do is communicate. It's not that they "forget" to communicate important information, it's that they just don't care. For example: I was part of a family group chat once, and the narc immediately noticed that her husband wasn't included (by accidently, honestly) and demanded that he be added to the group because she was not going to relay the information to him, even though they work and live together 🙄
All 9. Ironically IX in the tarot is the hermit, with the potential to become too self-sacrificing for others. The evolved IX knows this, stating ""I love you and will help you, but as a Hermit, I stay apart, removed and disconnected from your personal emotional entanglements". "If you desire my help and assistance, please ask, but if you simply want to invade and drain my energies, expecting me to carry you, I will detach". Be the wise 9 good people. I know I'm trying.
He would say to me, you owe me a apology, I couldn't figure out why I had to say I'm sorry. So what I would say is, I'm sorry for my part that I played in this incident.
Things narcissist don’t do 1. Give credit to you for your accomplishments, ideas, successes 2. Gratitude 3. Emotional nuances 4. Being Vulnerable 5. Act selfishly 6. Doesn’t forgive 7. Don’t self reflect 8. Take responsibility 9. Apologies 9
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Narcs are just horrible esp covert ones . I applaud all self-aware narcs who are working on themselves . All these patterns happen with the narc I know !
Everytime I see just a hint of one of the nine in myself, I FREAK OUT that maybe I'm a narcissist, completely ignoring the fact that probably 7 of the 9 are NOTHING like me at all.
You are right!!! No credit for anything…they do it RIGHT and you are WRONG! It’s done out of desperation it seems…as if the narc can’t face the least of their history. Rewrite, reframe, and play. The person I’m describing seemed so empty. Him, him, all about him!
We're here to support your healing journey. Come join us in this free masterclass to learn about the secret methods on breaking free from the toxic, break the bond and empower yourself once more. Just head over to www.rawmotivations.com/masterclass.
My Mistake of falling in love with a Mask, was characterized by EVERY ONE of the eight cowardly incompetencies of personal integrity that are typical of narcissism. It lasted an excruciating period of 2.5 years, and the only enjoyable memory lasted about 3 months. Very covert, consisting of mental cruelty, because he was a physical pretzel.
Hey Ben, do you provide coaching for self aware narcissists who wants to make meaningful changes in their personality like you? Please let me know. Yesterday my narcissist husband asked me if he can get any help and guidance as he wants to work on himself to change. Sadly he understood things when I filed for divorce after he cheated on me multiple times . Anyways, I'm not coming back, but I will be happy for him if he can really do the work. BTW ,my best wishes to all who are working towards healing and growth with the help of Ben and his team.
One of the first things I saw upon meeting this person was an inability to take any kind of responsibility or blame. He had gotten a text from a co-worker that was letting him know that she felt as if he didn’t help out on the shift. She wasn’t harshly critical or mean but he still took it as a HUGE AFFRONT-even went so far as to go show his friends and me her message and how ‘incorrect’ in her assumptions she was. He kept that for a long time as I remember…total inability to claim ANY responsibility!!! Must be very taxing to live with NPD and traits!
He made me believe he forgot my birthday. Then he showed up with flowers card and cake and insisted I took pictures and post them on Facebook letting everyone know how great he was
That is true. My narc brings things up from 5 years ago, lol. Hey, why did he call me a narc? Only because I have a frame that slides my photos, and they are mostly of us, maybe 5 of myself.
All of them. And Ben: i congratulate you for the courage you brought up in becoming honest to yourself and deciding to face the truth, no matter what! (That can be a challenge sometimes for anyone, i imagine it must have been way worse for you. Meaning: your achievement is that much greater). I have deep respect for that.
After watching this, I really question if I'm actually a narcissist. Some videos I watch and I'm like 'yes, yes, yes', and I feel like garbage. Then sometimes I watch a video like this and know it's not true about me (some points were though). At the very least, I was toxic, and there's stuff I'm working on.
Hi. I'm just a recovering "victim" but not really a victim. From what I can tell you, watching tons of videos on YT for years: the videos are done by 3 types of people: 1. Victims, 2. "Experts" on narcs, 3. Narcs themselves. The #1 group can sometimes be very inaccurate, and from their position of hurt attribute every bad thing to someone being a narc and portray them as demons. Which isn't true. The #2 group is good but themselves not being narcs I think they lack knowing/feeling exactly what goes on inside a narc, in every possible situation, the mechanisms, the feelings. #3 is the smallest, just a few people that I've found. Some seem very sinister (T.H. Tudor). I basically just follow Ben recently, as he is the most detailed and accurate. Explains what goes on inside him, has insight into the therapy process and into the reasons, and also into what this dynamic does to the victims and what goes on in them. And how it all plays out between them. And yes, I think in a way that the label doesn't matter. My ex: I've been breaking my head for years over the question whether he is a narc or not. He definitely isn't on the far end of the scale. But: he checks off all descriptions and does so many typical things that noone else I know does. He is intelligent so I'm sure he's self aware and I know he reads. He doesn't do certain things (isolate me from others, etc) or so I thought, and that confused me. At times he can be more lucid and down to earth than me. So I think when he's realistic he knows exactly where he stands. It's just that he doesn't take accountabilty for him being the issue. He thought I should avoid him when he is being triggered. I should prevent triggering him, by not opening some subjects. (but I couldn't do that even if I wanted to, because he can literally get triggered for anything. Besides, it's not my responsability but his). So, knowing to have toxic behaviour it's everyone's responsibility to do sth about it, work on it. But from my experience, any major change in life is hard, so a mentor is helpful, abd especially accountabilty. Without that you go nowhere. And usually we tend to break promises given to ourself. Because nothing happens if we do. What goes into change, is also two things: being totally honest and real about the situation (have the courage to confess some things to yourself), and being compassionate with yourself in the process (despite totally being accountable on the other hand). Judging yourself doesn't help and is counter productive. Change is only ever possible after you've accepted totally who you are at the present moment.
Hi Ben, I love love love your content! I can't stop listening! I have learned so much! The narcissist in my life is my son in law. My daughter and son in law just had their first baby. I stayed with them in their apt for 2 weeks after the baby is was born. I always saw afew red flags in the past but i sort of shoved it under the rug. But while my daughter was pregnant things between them got really strained, and during my time living with them after the baby was born was when my worst nightmare came to be. I spoke to my daughter about the things I saw. She agreed to some things but mostly she made excuses for him. Your content has been incredibly helpful to me. I gave my daughter your website and asked her to take a look. I am praying fervently that she takes a look at it. She doesn't want to hear my point of view at all. What advise do you have for people like me, family members who see the toxic stuff upfront but the "victim" does not want to see it? I would really appreciate any advise you can give. Thank you very much and God Bless!
They will not ever apologize… At least the guy I have been with has never said I’m sorry… Even when he’s wrong somehow someway it was my fault anyhow. He never said “I’m in love with you “… or just I love you. I would say I love you and he would say “love you more”. He never willingly cuddles or comes up to me and hugged me and kisses me. Never. The only time we were intimate was when we were having sex and then he was all in. But still, no kisses no affection just great sex. No cuddling after because he’s too hot. No cuddling in bed ever. He cannot tell the truth. In three years time we never bought me one gift. He got birthday presents Christmas presents… And something for every holiday but I got nothing but promises. He was going to buy me a new door from my house or a new battery for my car or or or… Long story short, he never bought me anything and yet he called me a Golddigger because I used his Tylenol. He is obsessed with money and absolutely will not spend it on anything unless it’s something that he wants. He never said thank you for anything I did for him including all the beautiful dinners I made every night of the week… All the groceries that I bought… Nothing. He never acknowledges anything I do for him.
At least 8 from these topics match to my experience with my Ex, but what I don't understand is this: If you are an aware-Narcissist why is your counseling pointung out that it doesn't work out because Narcs don't change unless they beginn to reflect about themselves. That's obvious that they don't want to. But obviously you mind in your case it did work! In our case I know that he goes to therapy and he says he's doing well with awarness about the monster in him. But I just don't trust him anymore after so much suffering. What would you say than to me? Think about your case, what did you say to your wife?
Narcissist doesn’t really like you. You feel bad for them and want to take care of them, especially if they work almost 24-7 and their culture is a type of hive culture. There’s no pampering, just a collective. Very selfish. Also men come first. Men bear all of the financial burden and extended family burden. I spoiled him he says he loves it and I am sorry for it. I know what it’s like to be nothing. I don’t want others to feel that way.
If narcissism is being stuck in a state of fight, and OCD is being stuck in a state of flight Can I apply the same feelings I get when I feel alarmed and the relief I feel from tapping on something eight times for example To the relief a narcissist feels when they have an unexplained alarm In order to scratch that itch They hurt or dominate Does it bring them the same feeling of relief to that alarm sensation? Even though cognitively, we know tapping on things and hurting people will never address the true route of whatever alarm we are feeling at any given moment Just wondering 💭
Everytime he said he was sorry I had to demand he added what he was sorry for exactly: he did not like that.
All of them, you are not alone
10:56 consistent changed behavior is the only true form of apology!
A year after deciding to take two different week-long holidays with her “friend” (which I told her were not appropriate) including taking our children on one of them, and bumping me off a previously planned holiday for the other, my wife finally said “sorry” but still then went ahead with the holidays…. Followed by “it’s done now, let’s move on”
All the above and more
All 9 and maybe more ! I am really shoqued !
All 9🙁…. Today started the first day of NO contact. 🙏🙏
Would love to help you on your healing journey. If I can be of help feel free to grab a time here at www.rawmotivations.com
My wife is a Narcissist. She won't listen to any ideas I have and call them stupid... yet if her friends or family say the exact same thing.. suddenly the idea is Fantastic. She will then tell me my idea wasn't the same.. and I was foolish even mentioning it..
My ex said after the affair that his only sin was that he had hurt me. So a marriage commitment meant nothing to him. He even went as far as to say I did not own him.
......6...... 30 years together and my kids knew he was one before me. Now divorced and do not ever want that mess of confusion back.
My narcissist would say I'll give you that. That's what he would say to me, that was his way of being sorry.
9/9🎯
He says ‘sorry’ ‘I feel so guilty about x y z’. Or I feel so guilty about how I have treated you. I can’t change…when pushed he says ‘clearly some part of me is resisting doing any work’. Blaming me for having rules ‘boundaries’. 30 plus years of emotional neglect, flirting in front of me and then cheating via social media. Then blaming me for not having unemotional sex….the list goes on and on.
He wrote apologise, though not genuine and after raging for 2 hours, then demand I say sorry too! For being abused for hours 🙄 zero accountability, it was like ground hog day, and I do deff think they're war unresolved childhood stuff there
Please, nobody take this video literally 100 %. What are this guy's credentials/background? Also demanding an apology would many times come from the victim, that's the person who has been hurt, humiliated and degraded. However, I can understand when the victim has been broken, he or she won't ask for an apology anymore.
Do you have a channel to guide narcissistic people who want to live a more connected and fulfilling life like you?
Another thing narcissists don't do is communicate. It's not that they "forget" to communicate important information, it's that they just don't care. For example: I was part of a family group chat once, and the narc immediately noticed that her husband wasn't included (by accidently, honestly) and demanded that he be added to the group because she was not going to relay the information to him, even though they work and live together 🙄
amen to that. i lost count how many times i heard " i forgot" in 15 years.....🙄
They insist that you never communicate…….but then omit to tell you that they are due to go out with a “friend” the next day
All 9. Ironically IX in the tarot is the hermit, with the potential to become too self-sacrificing for others. The evolved IX knows this, stating ""I love you and will help you, but as a Hermit, I stay apart, removed and disconnected from your personal emotional entanglements". "If you desire my help and assistance, please ask, but if you simply want to invade and drain my energies, expecting me to carry you, I will detach".
Be the wise 9 good people. I know I'm trying.
He would say to me, you owe me a apology, I couldn't figure out why I had to say I'm sorry. So what I would say is, I'm sorry for my part that I played in this incident.
They do not regulate envy very well
Things narcissist don’t do
1. Give credit to you for your accomplishments, ideas, successes
2. Gratitude
3. Emotional nuances
4. Being Vulnerable
5. Act selfishly
6. Doesn’t forgive
7. Don’t self reflect
8. Take responsibility
9. Apologies
9
It's never too late to begin your healing journey! Join our free masterclass and discover how to break free from toxic relationships here www.rawmotivations.com/masterclass..
Yeah, it’s HARD to look at oneself in a mirror but it’s got to be done. No looky no fixy… you will survive so go ahead and look!
I see almost all of these traits in the narc ive been with
Narcs are just horrible esp covert ones . I applaud all self-aware narcs who are working on themselves .
All these patterns happen with the narc I know !
Its great that you are getting help to be a better person.Narcissism is a terrible personality disorder.
Every last one! All 9!! He's a narc!!
Have you ever heard someone say that they believe their narc was trying to kill them? 😔
🙏🏽
I experienced that. I.slept with a gun under my pillow and left the bedroom door open so if he came up the stairs it would wake me.
I can definitely resonate with all the 9 thing my covert narcissist didn’t do - sadly😢
Everytime I see just a hint of one of the nine in myself, I FREAK OUT that maybe I'm a narcissist, completely ignoring the fact that probably 7 of the 9 are NOTHING like me at all.
You are right!!! No credit for anything…they do it RIGHT
and you are WRONG! It’s done out of desperation it seems…as if the narc can’t face the least of their history. Rewrite, reframe, and play. The person I’m describing seemed so empty. Him, him, all about him!
my NARC husband has NOT done ANY of Those! He used to but the past 4 years, out of our 27 year marriage has been horrific. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
We're here to support your healing journey. Come join us in this free masterclass to learn about the secret methods on breaking free from the toxic, break the bond and empower yourself once more. Just head over to www.rawmotivations.com/masterclass.
My Mistake of falling in love with a Mask, was characterized by EVERY ONE of the eight cowardly incompetencies of personal integrity that are typical of narcissism. It lasted an excruciating period of 2.5 years, and the only enjoyable memory lasted about 3 months. Very covert, consisting of mental cruelty, because he was a physical pretzel.
Hey Ben, do you provide coaching for self aware narcissists who wants to make meaningful changes in their personality like you? Please let me know. Yesterday my narcissist husband asked me if he can get any help and guidance as he wants to work on himself to change.
Sadly he understood things when I filed for divorce after he cheated on me multiple times .
Anyways, I'm not coming back, but I will be happy for him if he can really do the work.
BTW ,my best wishes to all who are working towards healing and growth with the help of Ben and his team.
I lived through each and every one of these for almost 4 years...
One of the first things I saw upon meeting this person was an inability to take any kind of responsibility or blame. He had gotten a text from a co-worker that was letting him know that she felt as if he didn’t help out on the shift. She wasn’t harshly critical or mean but he still took it as a HUGE AFFRONT-even went so far as to go show his friends and me her message and how ‘incorrect’ in her assumptions she was. He kept that for a long time as I remember…total inability to claim ANY responsibility!!! Must be very taxing to live with NPD and traits!
2-9 resonated. 1 he did, but I'm not sure he how sincere he was though
He made me believe he forgot my birthday. Then he showed up with flowers card and cake and insisted I took pictures and post them on Facebook letting everyone know how great he was
Everyone of these connected
That is true. My narc brings things up from 5 years ago, lol. Hey, why did he call me a narc? Only because I have a frame that slides my photos, and they are mostly of us, maybe 5 of myself.
All of them.
And Ben: i congratulate you for the courage you brought up in becoming honest to yourself and deciding to face the truth, no matter what!
(That can be a challenge sometimes for anyone, i imagine it must have been way worse for you. Meaning: your achievement is that much greater).
I have deep respect for that.
My husband of over 20 years does all 9 things that you mentioned in this video.
😮 hugs
That's horrible. 😢
Ben, do you mean that they don't know to forgive and reconcile? You just don't forget inappropriate behaviors if they continue to repeat them.
After watching this, I really question if I'm actually a narcissist. Some videos I watch and I'm like 'yes, yes, yes', and I feel like garbage. Then sometimes I watch a video like this and know it's not true about me (some points were though). At the very least, I was toxic, and there's stuff I'm working on.
Hi. I'm just a recovering "victim" but not really a victim. From what I can tell you, watching tons of videos on YT for years: the videos are done by 3 types of people: 1. Victims, 2. "Experts" on narcs, 3. Narcs themselves.
The #1 group can sometimes be very inaccurate, and from their position of hurt attribute every bad thing to someone being a narc and portray them as demons. Which isn't true.
The #2 group is good but themselves not being narcs I think they lack knowing/feeling exactly what goes on inside a narc, in every possible situation, the mechanisms, the feelings.
#3 is the smallest, just a few people that I've found. Some seem very sinister (T.H. Tudor).
I basically just follow Ben recently, as he is the most detailed and accurate. Explains what goes on inside him, has insight into the therapy process and into the reasons, and also into what this dynamic does to the victims and what goes on in them. And how it all plays out between them.
And yes, I think in a way that the label doesn't matter. My ex: I've been breaking my head for years over the question whether he is a narc or not. He definitely isn't on the far end of the scale. But: he checks off all descriptions and does so many typical things that noone else I know does.
He is intelligent so I'm sure he's self aware and I know he reads. He doesn't do certain things (isolate me from others, etc) or so I thought, and that confused me.
At times he can be more lucid and down to earth than me. So I think when he's realistic he knows exactly where he stands. It's just that he doesn't take accountabilty for him being the issue. He thought I should avoid him when he is being triggered. I should prevent triggering him, by not opening some subjects. (but I couldn't do that even if I wanted to, because he can literally get triggered for anything. Besides, it's not my responsability but his).
So, knowing to have toxic behaviour it's everyone's responsibility to do sth about it, work on it.
But from my experience, any major change in life is hard, so a mentor is helpful, abd especially accountabilty. Without that you go nowhere. And usually we tend to break promises given to ourself. Because nothing happens if we do.
What goes into change, is also two things: being totally honest and real about the situation (have the courage to confess some things to yourself), and being compassionate with yourself in the process (despite totally being accountable on the other hand). Judging yourself doesn't help and is counter productive.
Change is only ever possible after you've accepted totally who you are at the present moment.
Yikes my husband covers every single one of these
All of them
Can people do these in relationships and not be a narcissist? Because my fiancé does the majority of these, or doesn’t do I should say. . .
Hi Ben, I love love love your content! I can't stop listening! I have learned so much! The narcissist in my life is my son in law. My daughter and son in law just had their first baby. I stayed with them in their apt for 2 weeks after the baby is was born. I always saw afew red flags in the past but i sort of shoved it under the rug. But while my daughter was pregnant things between them got really strained, and during my time living with them after the baby was born was when my worst nightmare came to be. I spoke to my daughter about the things I saw. She agreed to some things but mostly she made excuses for him. Your content has been incredibly helpful to me. I gave my daughter your website and asked her to take a look. I am praying fervently that she takes a look at it. She doesn't want to hear my point of view at all. What advise do you have for people like me, family members who see the toxic stuff upfront but the "victim" does not want to see it? I would really appreciate any advise you can give. Thank you very much and God Bless!
Baby took the attention from him. Baby is an inconvenience.
Thank you for what you're doing. It's really helpful:)
Happy to hear that!
All of them
thank you
You are welcome. Would love to help you on your healing journey. Check out this video to see if you connect: www.rawmotivations.com/breakthrough
All 9
All 9
They will not ever apologize… At least the guy I have been with has never said I’m sorry… Even when he’s wrong somehow someway it was my fault anyhow. He never said “I’m in love with you “… or just I love you. I would say I love you and he would say “love you more”. He never willingly cuddles or comes up to me and hugged me and kisses me. Never. The only time we were intimate was when we were having sex and then he was all in. But still, no kisses no affection just great sex. No cuddling after because he’s too hot. No cuddling in bed ever. He cannot tell the truth. In three years time we never bought me one gift. He got birthday presents Christmas presents… And something for every holiday but I got nothing but promises. He was going to buy me a new door from my house or a new battery for my car or or or… Long story short, he never bought me anything and yet he called me a Golddigger because I used his Tylenol.
He is obsessed with money and absolutely will not spend it on anything unless it’s something that he wants.
He never said thank you for anything I did for him including all the beautiful dinners I made every night of the week… All the groceries that I bought… Nothing. He never acknowledges anything I do for him.
At least 8 from these topics match to my experience with my Ex, but what I don't understand is this: If you are an aware-Narcissist why is your counseling pointung out that it doesn't work out because Narcs don't change unless they beginn to reflect about themselves. That's obvious that they don't want to. But obviously you mind in your case it did work!
In our case I know that he goes to therapy and he says he's doing well with awarness about the monster in him. But I just don't trust him anymore after so much suffering. What would you say than to me? Think about your case, what did you say to your wife?
I’m sorry, But, I’m not sorry, because, I didn’t do anything wrong.
Narcissist doesn’t really like you. You feel bad for them and want to take care of them, especially if they work almost 24-7 and their culture is a type of hive culture. There’s no pampering, just a collective. Very selfish. Also men come first. Men bear all of the financial burden and extended family burden. I spoiled him he says he loves it and I am sorry for it. I know what it’s like to be nothing. I don’t want others to feel that way.
All 9😂
If narcissism is being stuck in a state of fight, and OCD is being stuck in a state of flight
Can I apply the same feelings I get when I feel alarmed
and the relief I feel from tapping on something eight times for example
To the relief a narcissist feels when they have an unexplained alarm
In order to scratch that itch
They hurt or dominate
Does it bring them the same feeling of relief to that alarm sensation?
Even though cognitively, we know tapping on things and hurting people will never address the true route of whatever alarm we are feeling at any given moment
Just wondering 💭
Nine
Nine out of nine lol.
for the love of hell, all of them! O.O
All of them 😂
💯
slow it down a bit. you're talking too fast. I love your videos but seem to be hyper energy
You can change the speed of the video and talking at your level.
He never apologized for anything and all 9 apply to him
All of them
All 9