5 things MAKE or BREAK your Relationship
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ต.ค. 2023
- Every relationship requires things in order to thrive. Two people can stay together, but if there's no trust or respect or healthy communication or ability to resolve conflict in a mature way, they will not feel intimate or emotionally safe with each other. This video is about 5 things every relationship needs to survive.
Why your Avoidant partner is stonewalling you
• Why your Avoidant part...
7 Clues to Spot the Narcissist Early
• 7 Clues to SPOT the Na...
How to get HER in the MOOD (funny)
bit.ly/41AAZyS
If you ever want to support my work bit.ly/3FWA1Ez
#marriageadvice #relationshipproblems #datingadvice
“Trust, Safety, and Consistency are sexy” This may be the best line I’ve heard. So damn true!
1. Safety/safe behaviour/emotional safety
2. Mutual Respect, admiration
3. Trust, dependable
4. Boundaries
5. Effective Communication (exchange of information with understanding)
6. Honesty
Thanks for this roundup. I just want to remind folks that you will never ever have any of these with a highly narcissistic person. Never. If you are looking to have these things, and perhaps did have them at the very beginning of the relationship but they are gone and you have been showing up- do not lie to yourself. You cannot fix a relationship with a narcissist. Public Service Announcement from someone who's been there and and is now out and healthy. Work on yourself and you can thrive! You will then be able to find a partner who can provide you with these ingredients for a mutually loving partnership.
The list sounds like music to me. Thanks.
@totostamopo how long were you with this person? Having trouble...
@@1Sarradd I was in a mind prison of "having to stay married" because I had promised to do so for 13 years. The abuse ( mental, emotional and financial) became so extreme I was suffering from 13 diagnosed auto immune conditions. My body knew what my mind refused to admit- I was being abused, gaslit and devalued. I was being triangulated against, I was a shadow of my former self. Does that help?
@@totostamopoI have an autoimmune disease that no doctor can diagnose it's so rare. I have constant tests ran and all they have concluded is that my body is attacking itself but they can't find the cause. Obviously my days are now full of physical pain but emotional pain too because not knowing is scary. After reading this comment I am now highly concerned. I have been married for 8 years and I struggle with my husband a great deal. I found out he slept with my friend, he had multiple accounts on dating apps/hook up sites including Adultfriendfinder and Ashley Madison and he had an inappropriate long distance relationship with a woman for months where all they did was sext. He has been physically abusive but stopped after a few years. But has always blamed me for everything. I had just come to terms with maybe I'm ugly or maybe I'm gross. But every time something would blow up between us and go haywire, we'd always work it out and keep trucking. I am now beginning my mental health journey and am starting to wonder, will he ever change? Will he keep cheating? He cheated basically for 7 out of our 8 years together but since being caught swears he'll never do it again. Obviously I know I sound naive, but is it possible for people to grow? I've changed drastically from the promiscuous person in my 20's who drank and ran from all of her problems to the faithful wife and loving mother I am today. So people do change, but can someone like my husband change too?
“You can’t boundary someone into loving you!” I have realized this. Thank you for your videos. They are such a blessing for self healing, no matter what the relationship outcome.
But setting boundaries reveals whether or not they do love you or they just pretend...
I married a man who is not only enmeshed with his mother, but both are narcissistic. By year three, our marriage was dead. I had to learn to stop "fixing" something my husband couldn't be bothered with, and I shifted my attention to my children and myself. By year five, I left with my babies. My husband has been a changed man for almost a year now, but I no longer trust him nor love him the way I used to. I've grown indifferent toward a man who would shout and scream at my face whenever I brought up a concern, a man who would go running to his mother when she made demands but my requests would be ignored. There was never a "we" nor "us" in this marriage, just a "him" and my MIL.
Not a changed man. They never change. I remember 30 years ago what I saw and how I perceived a person and she is exactly that ...behind closed doors so to say. În public a whole different story! I am talking about narcisisstic traits.
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is a book that helped me immensely, and I highly recommend it for whenever youd like to heal old wounds or avoid new ones❤
@@jaquicx9500Thank you for the recommendation.💖
Same here. It could be me writing this. These are narcissist men raised by narcissistic mothers. My MIL even became jealous that I'd needed two spine surgeries (she is hypochondriac) and imagining (quite wrongly in fact) that I was getting more attention than she was, she arranged a family reunion up the coast. She made her sons lie telling me they'd had bad dreams about her and needed to get to her. It was a drunken brawl. I saw the photos. There I was battling alone after major lumbar spine surgery 6 weeks after a neck fusion. My very kind doctor saw what was happening and put me into a step down facility to be cared for. It was disgusting. She still comes first in his life as if he worships her. Well, she does refer to herself as Madonna. Insanity personified. Obese bullies are all she and her entire family are. The only pleasures they get in life. Bullying and stuffing their cake holes.
I had to "co-parent" with one for 17 years. I blocked him when my son turned 18. I believe you're doing the right thing. Ps. Back all your communications regarding the kids via email in case you have to go to court. Keep every detail in writing. Xxo
I love listening to you but unfotunately I have never met a man who acts in such a mature way. That’s why I find your vídeos so valuable. It gives me hope that there are still good men somewhere in the world.
They are out there. I found a guy like that after a year of not dating. I spent the time looking at videos like this to understand how i ended up with a narcissist before. I still watch these kind of things as maintenance. I tend toward too much people pleasing. I don’t want to go back to who i was. The great guys exist. Sometimes they are not as forward as the full-of- it narcissist or toxic guy. But they’re there.
I'm a man who loves the content here and keeps trying to get my wife to catch on to these principles
My partner and I started watching these videos and he's starting to become a more patient, kind and understanding man. In the same way, I've also started working towards becoming a patient, kind and understanding woman. I'm sure your bound to find that respectful and understanding man, if you haven't already (but just don't know it). 🙂
Unfortunately men aren’t taught the same thing as women! What you need is someone with an open mind!
I’m married and just started following what he teaches, and it seems to be working🌹
As a man, we don’t understand feelings. Especially me. And as much as I hate saying that I want you to know everyone can change.
Even if I feel like it’s all my partners fault I still apologize. I learned to take ownership, be honest, and be kind.
I thought my relationship was good until I seen how depressed my wife was. Of course I love her and would do anything for her.
Maybe I was just never sure how to do it. With this channel it clicked.
Love without expectation.
Man I feel so bad for expecting things I never worked for. I’m a bad partner, even though I do a lot for them, I am no perfect either.
My ex called me 'high maintenance' because of the needs in a relationship i have (which are not out of pocket btw in any form), and then tried to gaslight me into why its not a bad thing she called me high maintenance and why i shouldnt be mad. So THAT sentence about needs being ok really hit home
You're not alone , my husband said "the things you think are going wrong in our relationship, are all in your head." That point validated me as well..
This is wonderful. And I did leave a 30+ year marriage even though I still loved my husband, because our relationship was so unhealthy and I had tried to make the best of it for too long, even through marriage counseling. In the end, a drastic shift was necessary. My health and well-being was seriously compromised. And I am sure his was too. Today, things are SO much better! Thanks for sharing this!
Wow 30 years! Trooper! So glad you’re in a new path!
Thank you! Me too!@@sacredmusetantra
What made you decide to leave even though you still loved him? I'm in a little bit of a similar situation. I've been with my partner for over 9 years. The relationship has become really toxic the last 1-2 years. He now wants us to work on things, but I don't know if I love him the same or enough. We also have 2 children and the fighting has already affected them, so we both have to heal as well as the kids
Just reached that point where I said, I can't do this any more. Was depressed, lonely and walking on egg shells. I had hoped we could shift it through our marriage counseling, we seemed so close to finding a better way, but didn't until after the divorce. Both of us needed a BIG reset and some space I guess. We had been together since high school! Every situation is different though. We are together again even though no longer married or living together. If your partner is willing to seek help outside just the two of you, that is wonderful. Our kids were already out of the house, which made it easier. Our partners are here to help us learn and grow, and I knew that but finally just had to get some space. Sending you love and light for your own unique path. ❤ @@nohely3141
Just did the exact same thing a year ago.
Thank you for these videos! God bless your ministry. These messages validate what I went through for 26 years. Recently divorced, I now watch these videos for future relationships. 🙏🏼
Thank you for this! Sorry for what you went through :(
I'm binge watching to try and help my daughter who is sharing custody with her ex super text book narco husband...they have 3 children. Trying to help her help them.
I clicked on this video upset w my spouse because of a disagreement. But, I feel much better after listening. I realized to calm down/calm my frustration & gently recognize where we both could have done better & that we are humans that make mistakes. Nothing was unrepairable. Thank you. Im going to take these concepts & hopefully we can repair together.
You’re making me realize that both my husband and I aren’t being emotionally safe for each other. It’s not just him!
Jimmy, you need to be in schools ! Not everyone has the words or has lived these words for them to be normal. Humans need these words in their younger years. Love what you do. Thank you!
I noticed many couples have a hard time expressing their needs to each other. That can also cause conflict and lack of communication.
My fiancé and I love you Jimmy! We got engaged in February 2024 and are set to get married June 2024. We’ve been watching your vids and appreciate your sagacious words. Thank you for being here, you’ve helped us have a better future 🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
My wife scoffed at the idea of emotional safety the other day in front of a therapist but they didn’t do anything to affirm the concept. I feel very disregarded by her when it comes to not feelings, and exactly like you said, I have pulled away from her because I don’t feel safe letting her know my feelings.
I realised this is stonewalling which makes me the problem again.
I’m losing hope to keep my marriage and be in the same home as my daughter.
Why would you not be in the same home as your child? Fathers have rights, as well.
@@CraftHarlot It's just my assumption that if things get bad, guys always lose custody to girls
I'm sorry you are going through this. Women or men both can hurt their partners. What I have seen is the good ones become better as they age and the bad ones worse. If you can't cope now, it will only get worse. It is sad to see a home and family split but even sadder to see couples and families pretending to be happy when they despise and hate each other in a meaningless, fruitless marriage. Once divorced it is so easy to spot those and hard to stand them.
Talk to your child. Read some books get help. Speak to a professional and to a good friend.
@@JoshuaMcTackett. Man stick to your values. You owe it to your child. You are a role model. Making sacrifices to save a marriage is not a good example. Get help, get resources. Show your kids how to work with someone without giving up who you are.
Just something to consider; when a person stonewalls, they come across as cold and unfeeling. Could she have scoffed because the idea of HER feeling emotionally safe with you is such an alien concept?
One of the most valuable lessons I've learnt is not to assume the other person knows what's on my mind. Even if I've lived with them for decades, have I actually verbalised my fears in a way they understand? What makes perfect sense to me may actually be the furthest thing from the other person's mind!
So does your wife know you have feelings at all? Does she know you'd like to be able to share them with her? Does she know how afraid just the thought of that is to you? These issues may come as a complete surprise to her if you've stonewalled throughout your marriage. That doesn't mean it's 'your fault', but it does mean you're going to need to work on it. Preferably together. Watch his video on stonewalling if you haven't yet, it's a game changer 😉👍
I just want to thank you, this video made me realize that my very first friendship with someone from 1st grade through middle school has been making me create distance my whole life. I’ve always swept it under the rug, but now as a young adult, I realize it’s still effecting me and my expectation in relationships. I’m still waiting for my friends or partners to emotionally manipulate me and I always have one foot out the door for that reason. To be clear, I know she was also a kid so I don’t blame her, I’m not even mad at her, I just am realizing this is something I need to process.
You are amazing…. Needed you 8 yrs ago when i didn’t love myself enough to know my worth and settled for a person who appears to be a full blown narcissist. No one could relate or offer advice when i was always left confused and baffled by his behaviors. Now i am doing the work and working to be the best mom to our daughter while he is an absentee sperm donor. I am grateful for awareness and self-love
These are so good! Although they weren’t available when I was going through a really rough marriage, I’m grateful now that I can learn in retrospect and recognize many of the reasons and challenges of a lopsided, loveless, abusive marriage. Still learning. Thank you.
On point on the narcissist comment you made in the beginning, they are not interested in our well being or interest.
I went no contact 6 months ago, yesterday he called from a new number, when i asked who is this multiple times and he said hello i recognized his voice and ended the call.
He called again and a third time and sent texts asking if this number belongs to me and asked what my name is.
My dad told him to never contact me again, and he did, and i blocked him again.
I am proud of my healing but i don't want him to keep hoovering, it wastes my time to think about it and mildly disrupts my healing and i would like to not get annoyed by him anymore.
How come it's the majority of women watching these videos?? Somehow men out there are not responsible for learning this stuff. My partner and I are in conflict and while I'm watching this, he's getting ready to play video games.
Meanwhile I’m here wondering why young women aren’t watching this. -A younger man
@Xplorer-yi5os well they ARE.
And if you've got one who doesn't know about it yet, I guarantee they will if you send it to them in a loving way.
@grumpyschnauzer it's that ever present uneven distribution of emotional labor. Check out the book on it by Rose Hackman "Emotional Labor". It'll enrage and empower like nothing you've ever read before.
Hey i have a schnauzer too
Sadly, I don't think boys are often taught emotional intelligence. They become avoidant as a coping mechanism. These videos are so helpful in starting a conversation!
Jimmy you are such a life savior. I am working on leaving my verbally abusive husband. He invalidates me says hurtful things and he’s abused me for so long I no longer love himI no longer want to work on his marriage either. We sleep in separate rooms n have for 5 years. I’m done n getting ready to leave. You have given me the courage thank you ❤
I'm 60 and truly love myself after a lot of inner work with meditation. The universe brought Ed into my life. He is so loving and giving. I come first and he wants to make me happy. he is truly my prince and I am so grateful for him. Thank you Jimmy for helping me to heal to find this wonderful man. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Holy Moly... You NAIL IT better than any therapist/counselor I've ever known or heard about..!! 🌿
Reassurance and validation has to be part of communication. 🎉
You’re amazing! Your videos have provided a perspective that I’ve failed to articulate to my husband. We are both learning a lot and we thank you. ❤
“Conflict is an exchange of information from one partner to the other with the hopes that there will be a shared understanding between each other.” “Repair means intentionally revisiting a moment of disconnection.” “We can repair by exploring their perspective, by validating (which comes from understanding). Taking accountability for what we could have done better, apologizing and stating what we want to do better in the future and at the same time asking how our behavior impacted them while validating those feelings as important and real. Then asking them if there is anything that they need that would help us to repair this.
Very well said. Anyone who won't resolve conflict is not fixable. I've been through it a few times. They are stubborn and won't change.
Thank you. There is such a feeling of relief when watching your videos. I’m not alone in having to leave a toxic marriage. I left to save myself and realize I need to work on giving myself the tools to love myself and in return have a healthy relationship with another. Thank you so very much.
Сегодня - тот день, когда я нашёл канал, содержание которого изменит мою жизнь.
Я в ошеломляющем восторге от открытости, ясности и богатства содержания речи этого профессионала.
Спасибо, что Вы есть!
Тот самый момент, когда я не знал о том, что могу нуждаться в такого рода контенте, и вот я его вижу и мгновенно понимаю как сильно мне его не хватало и как давно я на самом деле в нем нуждаюсь!
Большое человеческое спасибо!
Wish I'd had all this long ago when all these things applied to me. I had to learn the long, hard way and am grateful to be in a better place now. Thank you for helping people. You have a real gift of clarity and compassion.
Such a strong, talented speaker! Thank you. Your particular ability is to speak right to the heart, I truly admire your transparency, your willingness to grow, but it seems that you have just come out of nowhere with a gold box full of treasure, that someone had berried long ago on a lost distant island! Your speech is very clear, vivid, full of right examples, you sound caring and loving (and nothing to do with narcissic behavior as someone once mentioned 😂, I have been through it, seen it and would recognize it for sure). Thank you again. If you could only know how much positive change you have already brought to the world!
But I am very curious about how you have landed here, after cheating and self-centered behavior, as you say yourself.
Sheesh. I definitely grew up in an emotionally unsafe home. I grew up on self harm and I’ve had an on and off relationship with self harm since then. Whether biting myself until I was bruised or cutting when I was older. Even into my late 20’s and maybe into my early 30s now. So sad.
Hey. I’ve dealt with that too. It sucks. But now that I’m out of a bad relationship and living on my own, it doesn’t happen nearly as often as it used to. I’m sending you love and I’m so sorry you have to go through that - I know how painful and isolating it can be ♥️
You give some of the best advice, you make it simple and easy to understand and hit alot of great points,I appreciate these videos
Thank you so much!!
8:03 gosh it really is an uphill battle. I’m working on myself hard and I’m working so that my son doesn’t experience the same trauma and neglect that I did. It’s really hard to heal, so I seriously don’t want to mess my son up.
I love this video so much!! You have such a gift to explain things that I, an anxious attached person, can use and process what I need to do for myself and to have a life of my own in conjunction with my partner’s own life.
I can’t find the right or enough words to thank you. I know I still have work to do and this inspires me to keep on going. Please continue doing this. You can’t begin to imagine how valuable your work is.
When you stop looking love will appear
I'm so grateful for your gift of bringing sanity into the world of relationships. I've recommended some of your videos to clients - it does mean a lot when this level of heartfelt insight is held and shared by a man. Both for women close to losing faith in love, and for the men to whom your message can get across clearly. I find your videos especially helpful for un-gaslighting, and for modelling a more healthy way forward, that too many of us didn't get an example of in life. Thank you for that. 🙏
Yey, another video to make me reflect on my internal patterns, thanks a lot!!! Really appreciate these.
Thanks so much!
Do you have a podcast? I could listen to you all day
Great summary Jimmy. 🙌
Jimmy at 20:12 you described my position exactly.. for all you do and the way you present the facets of relationships, good and bad.. thank you.. ❤
Wow… you are an amazing councelor! Your info is the best and you explain things so thoroughly and give examples so clear understanding can happen. I know I need example to help my ADD mind fully understand what you are trying to explain. I have shared you on FB and hope you know how valuable you are right now in helping repair and heal/ grow relationships!
Was married to narcissist for nearly 20 years. Total trauma bond. 5 kids - all of us have had to mend repair and heal over several years. Still mending. Thank you so much🙏🏻
Your videos have brought many intuitive realizations to the surface. Much appreciated 😊
Thank you for all your kind gentle reminders ❤ we appreciate your time and work.
Great video, everyone has to watch this
True Friendship. Team. Genuine honesty. Pro active about connecting and repairing and admiring. Thank you!
As someone with an avoidant attachment I try to stay away from relationships as much as possible I can't bare hurting someone knowing this is who I am, and its crazy because most people I've talked to have know idea attachment theory even exist so I'm practically on my own to deal with this stuff but at the sametime its kind of a blessing since I can manage being by myself while most people can't so its not all bad having an avoidant attachment style just different and I wish people could understand that.
You are fantastic at articulating quickly and with depth and nuance so many dynamics involved in relationship to self and others. Thank you.❤
Really like your videos and look forward to them. The issues are all so well articulated and genuinely shared. Thank you so much! 😮
After listening to you speak in your lectures I can realize more and more that we really all feeling beings all we do is feel feel feel
100% on point!
Another wonderfull video. There's only one thing i'd ad when it comes to safety. You talked about emotional safety. Safety to express ourselves and it's so true. But that also needs an audience that listens. And maybe this falls in the trust category. But sometimes people don't even feel safe to listen. Which can trigger the defensiveness. I started watching your videos today. And im learning a lot about how i screwed up from it. Thank you so much for that.
Lol! We are not capable of giving what we don't have. Jimmy, you are not loving or respecting you in some of these videos. You are worthy. Your honesty and eye contact is impeccable. Hugs.
OFF. THE. CHARTS GREAT! TYSVM!!!
jimmy i’m a new subscriber and just popped in to say i appreciate your speaking style as well as the high quality video and audio!
Wow...another great lesson... Thank you so much
Well said in a nutshell!! I appreciate you putting this helpful information out to not only help women but also men. I tend to struggle with my husband’s anger outburst. Does not make me feel safe. I intend to have him watch this video❤
Thank you!🙂I love the way you talk about relationship dynamics in a way that makes them easy to understand. I've shown most of your videos to my boyfriend to help both of us understand what's going on between us. Love that wig too. 🤣Humor makes it all more palatable. 🙏
17:30 wow I’m so happy I came across this video 🤍 new subscriber & I love & needed this video so much. Thank you Jimmy 🥺🥹
Thank you for your videos. I find inmense peace in your voice
The best healing and learning I've been able to muster is when I ended up back at my narcissistic parents. It's been hard but I'm getting much better at protecting myself while trying to continue to show them love without feeling loved in return. It is possible to occupy the same space if you focus on love. But do not let them in.
I realized through your videos that I have co dependent tendencies and people pleasing though patterns. Thanks for your videos.
This is the video that got me to subscribe. ❤
I am learning so much. Thank you.
Thank you Jimmy!
I saw you from instagram, your topics about relationships or tips of relationships, it helped me a lot ❤,
Thank you.
Thank you so much! Your videos are a truly blessing and my partner and I have started to watch them together last week. My partner’s typical response when I bring something up to his attention is “what now”?
If I’m crying, he would say “here you go again being emotional”. Are you on your period again?”
Can you add the saying OMG “what now” to your videos?
I think he started to realize saying that is invalidating my feelings…
I once heard that a woman crying emotionally impacts a man the same way the man yelling impacts a woman emotionally. We do not realize how much we impact each other. Or how different our styles and needs are. Keep learning about yourself and about them and how to communicate with each other.
Very accurate and informative ❤
Thank you ❤
This is so helpful. 🔊🔊🔊
Solid gold Jimmy
Boundaries that I have established for my life are put in place to keep myself from loosing control.So that I am keeping respect for you and myeelf.Designed by myself to keep my action reaction response practical and within reason .
Wauw, thanks you for your advice! 🥰😍
You're off tremendous help Bud. South Africa 🙏🌍
Going through these issues in my relationship. Saving them to a watchlist. Date day free counseling, lol.
Hello Jimmy, I love your work. Do you have any content on relationships with our children? That would be very interesting. Thanks for the great work!!!
This video really spoke to my broken heart and validated what I’ve been feeling in a 32 year marriage 😢 Can you please recommend some books that would be helpful in this area?
It's amazing that these are all natural and obvious things... What happened to people that we need training to be nice 🙄 ? But we do, good communication has not been inherently encouraged so I hope many folks will learn.
Thank you!!!
I just love you thank you so much not love you in that way but I love with your messages and you taught me a lot even though I took all the psychology classes I never knew how to define avoidant attachment and that’s exactly what I have thank you so much for pointing all this out this is such a great idea for TH-cam channel
Thank you. Namaste. ❤
You are a great human being ❤
This is so nice of you :)
Could you do a video of how people who don't like conflict and avoid conflict in a relationship? Like they always just agree with everything or apologize for everything because they are trying to avoid conflict?
Such a beautiful video
Keep posting 🎉
Thanks!
Brilliant 👏
I pushed my husband into therapy, and the therapist just told him I was a trauma based person and there was nothing on his end that needed addressing. I was the identified patient. It destroyed our marriage.
Thank you for the important work you are doing, Jimmy. I am interested in.becoming a relationship coach. Do you know of any programs that could help me get started?
Thanks
Is this his best video? I love this one but trying to pick the best video to send to my spouse.
We’ll said.
Its like a zipper, zipping up a realationship getting closer from the ground up. If any part is loose in the bottom it will all fall apart or you wil not get closer in a solid way.
Does anybody else really struggle with finding the right words face to face, butncan text/write your feelings better? My history is if intried using words id be invalidated, cut off, talked over, yelled at, and then given silent treatment. All 4 long term relationships were that way. Not one would resolve conflict or hear me. So the only way i could speak was to write, or suare videos such as this one with them, which thry never watched.
So ive basically shut down and dont feel i can communicate openly anymore.
I am beyond jealous of the relationship you must have with your wife and kids. I have been with my hubs for 25 years and I am still begging him to change the same things which is his anger and how he doesn't handle stress responsibly.
Literally me: How does he have such big hands?
Him: "...and idk why I'm still holding my hands like this."
Lol glad I'm not the only one who got distracted for a moment.
It's a pity that your great videos don't have Polish subtitles. I would gladly recommend them to my friends, who don't know English very well. They could learn a lot from you... 💚
Wonder if someone could offer to help with that? Don't know Polish myself but it be cool.
100% this!
I have a question. I’ve heard the term “honeymoon phase used a lot. What exactly is it? And what are the other phases seen in most relationships. For context, I’m currently in the first month of the second year of my relationship. What phase would you say I’m in? Also I love your content because it’s giving me great insight on how to keep my relationship healthy. So thank you so much.
amazing
Jimmy do you have a book about the topic you can recommend reading? That would be great 👍