You are so right that once you get sucked in and engage with someone having an explosive outburst, you've lost. I would add, especially if that person is a chronic gaslighter.
1. Don’t get sucked in 2. Build emotional barriers or resistance 3. Know thy self (boundaries, triggers, etc) 4. Be ready to plan to ignore them. (No acknowledgement what so ever) 5. Learn as much as you can about explosive personalities 6. Confront with strategy 7. Don’t engage, walk away 8. Encourage with therapy 9. Medication 10. Pit space between you and the other person for a fair amount of time.
I've been healing myself from the inside out. When my husband gets triggered it's always the same. I just stand there and listen. The blame is always misdirected and the things he says are so ridiculous. When he is finished, it's usually short lived I continue on with whatever I was doing. I control my emotions and reactions. He has no power to manipulate me into feeling bad anymore. When things are calm I bring up specific things he said. You should never try to hurt or belittle anyone! His anger is rare but I never aggravate the situation.
I have tried for years to make my marriage work. This is killing me over time. I have been in therapy and am experiencing physical sickness when I am around my spouse. I have slowly started to leave the marriage planning my exit. I recommend people to educate themselves on this brain disorder but to leave a relationship sooner than later and allow the person to help themselves.
i was only with my ex-boyfriend for 6 months and had already been getting to that place of physical sickness around him within the last month of our relationship. this is why i couldn't let the relationship continue on. i believe that "physical sickness" is our God given instinct that something is seriously wrong and we need to separate ourselves from this person.
Thankyou for the video.I have a 24year old son who has been full of rage and anger for years now.its so destructive and toxic.Anger is control and manipulation.Anger is FEAR based behaviour.Walk away.its so hard to do but I'm still shaking from being completely abused,manipulated and controlled this morning.im terrified of my son and I'm a 54 year old man.I get verbally attacked several times a week.i am an absolute wreck at the moment.The lies,manipulation and verbal terror are not worth it.I thought my shoulders were big enough to bear this but no man can bear this.walk away.no matter how hard it is.It has taken me years to do this.Take your power back.Know yourself.Have a plan.Fantastic advice.Thankyou again.Love and Respect to you all.
I'm dealing with the same...20yo son with rage and violent outbursts. Every perceived injustice on his part is expressed with an event if destruction. I've tried walking away and he just follows...ignoring gets me threats of un-aliving himself. It's so difficult to deal with. 😢 sending you all strength and resilience ❤
Thank you for this video! My wife is battling depression and it has turned into anger. Her anger comes out in screaming and punching walls. This makes me shut down. On the days that she's okay, I'm still thinking of the blowup from 24 hours ago smh. Its hard to ignore your wife when she's crying and so hurt. I'm just so fatigued and frustrated by this happening most days of the week. Shes not a fan of therapy but agreed to couples counseling b/c she won't be alone. I keep trying to not take this stuff personal but, its hard not to when all she seem to mention are things ive done or not done to help change her life. The guilt always comes towards me and I do my best for her. Starting to think I'm not emotionally intelligent enough to manage such a highly emotional marriage. I'm going to use these tips to try and gain some peace for myself. Thank you again for the information.
Your patience is admirable and I hope that your constant understanding doesn't drain you. Take care of yourself. One of my bestfriends almost took her life out of exhaustion from dealing with her partner's anger. It got to her eventually. So now we're letting her watch these videos and asking her out more often. Stay well and remember that you deserve peace of mind as well ✨🌷
Thank you for confirming the action I took over family members who verbally attacked me and told me I was not part of his family ( my husbands family). My husband became critically ill over 13 weeks and consequently passed away. My husband and I became empowered and comforted in stopping them visiting him and cut them out of our lives , even at the end and they were excluded from the funeral, harsh but given all the facts and ill treatment would bring about understanding such drastic action. Sadly they brought it on themselves and only have themselves to blame, While my husband and I could focus on our incredibly painful parting after 56 years together. Carol McCooke
Sounds like how to deal with yourself. How to deal with anger that controls you? Ignore ??? Can’t ignore when you have to live with them. The triggers begin when the day starts.
So glad I found your channel! It’s been tough trying to get a handle on my husband’s explosive anger, especially with the pandemic constantly a difficult topic and his lack of support due to not being ready for treatment. Thankfully he has an appointment soon with a professional, but in the meantime I sobered up so I don’t get sucked in! Excited to learn more!
Welcome Michelle! It's good to know he is geeting therapeutic support. You may benefit yourself if you aren’t already in counseling. It's giving you tools to manage his ups and downs. So tough during COVID for a lot of people. 😟
This was a great information. Thank you. I am learning not to react but respond . You are absolutely correct. You have to set up boundaries and not let them suck you in.
Wow, I just listened to your TH-cam talk on anger n it fits so well into my situation with my husband of 27 years. He used to be the sweetest man but n the past few years since he has been retired he explodes at the most unexpected times and gripes me out and tells me that I am a terrible wife, etc and that everything is all my fault. I immediately copied your 5 rules and it was just like u were talking to me.!!! It really helped me n I will definitely try your advice. I don't really want to get a divorce and it makes me so sad that he has turned into a different person lately . I have subscribed n will keep checking in with you. Thank You, Thsnk you, I even listened to it twice n excuse my spell mistakes. You're an Angel!!
❤🤗Thank you! It's so motivating to hear people like you share your story and say you found information, in my videos, that are helpful. That's why I do them! Even if they aren't immediately "popular." This video only got 100 views when I first did it. Now, it's over a few thousand and that brought you in to my channel. Very glad to hear this has been helpful. It sounds to me like perhaps he's either depressed and doesn't feel he has life purpose anymore (existential crisis?) which can cause anger or his temperament is changing with age and life experience. He may benefit from psychotherapy (although I'm sure he wouldn't agree). It's wonderful that you are trying to find answers before walking away. I wish you the very best.
I love you lr channel. Very informative. I was triggered a bit when you spoke of ignoring since I was raised by a narcissistic mother and dated a narcissist that used the silent treatment to try to make me feel as if they are the victim. The difference between a victim ignoring vs a cluster B using the silent treatment is that cluster b always use it to not only play victim but most importantly, punish and to seek control. They also refuse healthy communication, cannot take any criticism no matter how kind, are uncomfortable with vulnerability and compromise. As someone victimized by a cluster B...I was ignored, even when I attempted to communicate respectfully, honestly, transparent and with respecting boundaries. I remind myself of that so I can manage my triggers when I hear the strategy of ignoring. I also use that strategy when dealing with someone who is explosive and aggressive. They seek attention and dominance.
I learned to do this some years back and it deflated the perp (my older sibling). In return, my physical safety was often in jeopardy. There were a couple of people at risk who I had to choose to protect. So I had to conjure up another tactic to go about life safely living under the same roof. Knowing one’s own triggers is crucial in my opinion. Thank you for this video.
I found this video while searching intermittent explosive disorder because I suspect that’s what my partner has. I don’t know for sure because he won’t go to therapy because he doesn’t “believe” in it, and when he did go he bragged during one of his explosive rants about purposely blocking the therapist out and “saying anything” and not being truthful. He will do anything to avoid admitting he has a problem, and resents me for calling it out. Until now, no one has ever cared enough to call it out, and the ones that do care have seemed to enable the behavior. This video will help because I deal with my own issues, including anxiety and depression. For that reason, I’m easily sucked in to these explosive situations, and when I try to get my point across or talk it out I’m accused of being a nag. The argument then becomes my fault for “not knowing when to shut up”, taking the focus off of his own behavior, which is usually what caused the entire situation to begin with. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and no one truly knows what I’m dealing with because he’s a different person around others than when we’re alone. The only ones who believe me are the ones who have seen glimpses of his behavior themselves. His family will take up for him no matter what, or remain neutral in situations where I feel they should take a stand and tell him he’s out of line. He doesn’t tell them the full truth and has learned how to give bits and pieces of a story that doesn’t make his behavior seem as bad or unwarranted as it truly is. I’m going to try this to see if it works, but something tells me that I may be married to a narcissist.
Any disagreement my wife and I have, usually goes like this. Something happens, I want to discuss it. She claims complete innocence, than denies doing anything. Even when I repeat word for word. Then I'm told I'm wrong, and I need to be a big boy and accept responsibility for whatever the issue is. Than she goes into full 'i don't exist mode'. That's when I start to get angry and will say things I don't mean just to see if cares. She wins every time. I'll have to learn to ignore her and walk on It's just hard when you live with somebody and they know how to get under your skin.. I need to learn how to step back and walk away, even though I'm the type of person that likes to discuss pros and cons of everything. I'm a communicator. So silence is hard for me..
So sorry you are going through this. Basically she is gaslighting you and turning the conversation around so that she can blame you. It is impossible to talk with people like this. They do not listen. They do not try to resolve the problem. Unfortunately, you will have to do your best to ignore her and when you do talk with her, only talk about non-confrontational topics, such as the weather. I encourage you to seek help for yourself. Wishing you the best -
Great advice: I live with a guy who's m.d "warned" me my housemate has intermittent explosive disorder. Home is supposed to be safe and our peace place. I'm taking your advice. Thanks.
My dad has this big time. He has had it for years the only difference is that it's even worse. I never know when he's going to explode often for no reason. His triggers are too many to count. My dad can get triggered over the slightest thing. What pharmaceuticals are beneficial for this disorder? There is nothing that doesn't exasperate this guy. I am walking on eggshells on a constant basis around him
I do explodive texts sometimes when ive been wronged to many times i get really angry than lash out. I just need to learn to walk away and let my anger out on an object rather than a person
This is the best advice I’ve found so far. I’m dealing with a negative and explosive fiancé. We bought a house together and now I see his colors. I’m trying to change my behavior to deal with his but I also come from abuse. I’m afraid of allowing abuse. How do we know when to end it
Have you managed to talk to him about it? That his behaviour of needs therapy? He needs to go to anger management asap if there is any chance for your relationship to work. He needs to put the effort to change himself, if he doesn’t and you know he isn’t trying. Hard enough for your relationship, get out!!
The moment I mentioned counseling it struck down to worse forms of abuse It started slander, infantillization, abandonment and immediate anger now the moment I speak no matter the cause
Thank you for this video, I live with a wife who is all of the above in this one. She has had an abusive past from her brother hitting her a couple times to her father being like a dictator who chased then with a machete threatening to kill them....yes it would have been nice to know all this before. I listen to Charles Stanley on Controlling Your Anger and the Dangers Of Anger. Its like a roller coaster ride here not knowing what will spark the ignitor switch . We just had a local barangay meeting with her brother to remind him of the police blotter she had put on him years ago because a few nights ago they had a screaming match that lasted for 30 plus minutes where the whole neighborhood had to hear. I had videos of her yelling at her dad for 45 minutes plus and at me .While she was waiting the hearing she didnt want me leaving her side because she was so scarred of what he might do but now its passed she attacks me again. Our local expat friends steer clear of us now because they dont want involved or possible blamed for something they wouldn't have done because they see her doing that to me. Here they wont have a person evaluated for any mental illness they just consider annulment as the cure. There is a very sweet side to her obviously and I would feel I abannded her . Just today she went from the sweetest woman to hell on wheels in 5 seconds and physically acted out as to bust a door ar break something which she has in the past. I have been doing the things you suggest except up and just leaving the house for fear her out of control anger she might destroy everything in the house .I had to get between her and her 12 year old daughter, which the girl refers to me as dad with sincerity, because she got so out of control and l she was pulling her hair and slapping her face very hard over something that was so mute. I know schizophrenia is in her sister who use to be a school teacher and locked the kids out of the school room one day...now she gets a shot every month . Sad thing is what she feels happened and actually did happen doesnt matter to her its all about how she sees it happened and its all out war. At a loss right at this point for words .
I would say leave but you would have to take your daughter too. People think they can treat people any kind of w way. It is so sad. I’m sorry you are going through this
I understand the gist of not engaging with someone who is exploding angrily at you and walking away but in my experience that is not a wise thing to do. That's when you can get hit. I had someone in my life who was exploding on me and trying to suck me into a yelling fight/confrontation with them and I said "nope, I'm not playing this game" and turned and started to walk away. They punched me as hard as they could in the back of my head and damned near knocked me out. I would have face planted on the floor and probably broken my nose too had my arm not caught the back of the dining room chair and changed my trajectory as I fell. Also, it's not always possible to disengage or walk away. For instance when they block the door and won't let you leave, or they steal your wallet, keys, and phone (or flat out break your phone) and hide them before they start the fight so that you can't realistically get out and get to a safe place.
There is no helping them I need to help myself. As a people easer I've learned to separate and set boundaries since I often don't have a choice when in this situation. I step back gather myself and don't engage. I have found peace by not being to attached to their behavior. It's something they need to process and figure out. I create my own happy space when I feel unsafe and attacked.
You make a very important point. Sometimes there isn't any helping or pleasing them. In that case, as you point out, you have to go to plan B and take care of yourself and your sanity. Learning goes a long way. Learn as much as you can. Become an "expert" of people like this. It can literally save you.
my boyfriend (used to be my crush) has extreme anger issues, he screams curse words, punches walls or tables, even bites himself to stop, it is sooo traumatizing to watch him, my father used to be like this too(but he'd curse, throw things and sometimes hit my mom or brother), i dont know if i can handle this anymore... a week ago i told him im loosing feelings bcoz of his actions and behaviour, firstly he cried a lot then became angry like its my fault lmaoo, and told me clearly if i wanna leave or stay, i chose to stay and give him a last chance....im honestly so dissapointed in him, but im understanding enough cuz he has been thru a lot in his home too.... so anyways, ill update 😶🙂 next time if im gonna be in a relationship, i will only when i know the person truly well....and not go for looks, cuz some pretty ppl can really hurt u and do rush into a relationship :)
Pray for your partner's salvation and spiritual maturity every day. God can change anyone. Let me tell you that one day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed by God's grace ever since. He is so much more positive now. So much less angry. I know people who've been changed through water baptism in Jesus' name. I heard it's the ight way to baptize not in the name of the father , son and holy spirit. I know someone he was changed in the midst of his despair and anger filled life because he uttered a prayer , "God save me." God changed him that very moment. He's a new person to this day, full of peace and joy of the Lord, not too angry and bound in addiction anymore.
Any books you have that can explain this further? You’ve said everything I needed to hear to deal with my brother tho. I really would just like to elaborate further to “BE READY” 🙌🏾
I'm glad this video was helpful. I wish I could say that I know about a ton of books that breaks this down...but I don't. I'm sorry. I have heard that the following book is pretty good: www.amazon.com/Rage-Step-Step-Overcoming-Explosive/dp/1572244623/ref=sr_1_11?keywords=anger+management+books&qid=1636083754&qsid=133-6462069-5753732&sr=8-11&sres=1621063046%2C1684034329%2C1623157307%2C0761158154%2C1523505427%2CB00PI111JA%2C1572244623%2C0062319043%2C1641521678%2C1939754720%2C1641520922%2C1573229377%2CB093R5TKGY%2C0787968803%2C1572242205%2CB08LDRTNP2%2C1684032261%2C1948040077%2CB07SRHK6ZM%2CB0948N41Z2&srpt=ABIS_BOOK. Take care
@@TherapistTamaraHill really, thank you, you have no idea how much you explained my brothers behavior(or probably you do)but yeah, I take his explosiveness for disrespect at times, but I sort of knew deep down he’s dealing with some things.
You're welcome! I understand. It's strange how learning about the behavior can change how well you cope. So maybe you will handle it better when it happens again. 🙏🤞
That's a tough question. It depends on who you are dealing with. I would say psychotherapy if they are willing. Boundaries that are firm and non-tolerant.
What if you live with that explosive emotional person. And what if when you try to ignore them they are like, “so, now your gonna ignore me, that mature, that solves all the problems, don’t talk ignore me”. But then he uses my ignoring him silence to unload on me. He uses that silence opportunity to verbally pound me. So ignoring someone doesn’t always work.
That’s a good point huh?! I’m not sure what to do in that moment. I suppose the best thing is to self-regulate. Focus on your breathing, notice your own internal reactions, be present and mindful in your body. Recognize that they have very low to no capacity to do that for themselves in that moment. If self-regulating is difficult, walk away? Create more space?
My ex boyfriend is abusive. He started comparing his income to mine, himself to me called me names, said to stay in my place. Then I lash out at him. He got me right where he wanted me. I’m going to follow your steps but now he just hangs up on me and calls me crazy. He blames me for the neighbors calling the police but he starts putting me down then I get mad. I just leave and go to my moms house. I don’t want to leave him because he will do this to his next girlfriend. I’m going to follow your advice and see if this helps
Tina, I'm sorry to hear this. I'm also sorry to hear you don't want to go. Perhaps this is something to explore with your own therapist. There may be a "trauma bond" here or codependency. Not sure. But I encourage you to put yourself first and ensure your own safety - emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and physically.
How do you deal with your husband having anger issues and you have two children and you have been staying at home with your kids. When you're parenting styles are completely different? What do you do?
Please leave for the sake of you and your children's well being. It's not worth it. Maybe co-parenting and therapy with supervised visits for him. If you stay the children may be affected.
I feel like i am the explosive person. And in my relationship i will try to push the person away becouse i am scared and frustrated and I want to be left alone but the other half won' t give me a time out and this brings me to explode. I really need space to calm down and when i do i feel so guilty.. thanks for this video , it really mirrord my behaviour..
I'm sorry to hear this. I wonder if you have ever seen a therapist or considered it. Sometimes the behavior of pushing someone away is the result of historical trauma, a personality disorder such as BPD, fear of abandonment, or even PTSD. The fact that you feel guilty says you can't control it. That's a good sign because perhaps one day you will be able to turn things around.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thanks for replying. Yes i have had help from a psychologist. Last year. But i still need to keep working on myself. You gave me some direction where to search also. Thank you so much.
Pray for your salvation and spiritual awakening every day. God can change anyone. Let me tell you that one day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed by God's grace ever since. He is so much more positive now. So much less angry. I know people who've been changed through water baptism in Jesus' name. I heard it's the ight way to baptize not in the name of the father , son and holy spirit. I know someone he was changed in the midst of his despair and anger filled life because he uttered a prayer , "God save me." God changed him that very moment. He's a new person to this day, full of peace and joy of the Lord, not too angry and bound in addiction anymore.
this is great advice but personally i believe sometimes you do need to attack back if they keep blowing up on you and crossing your boundary teach them there are consiquences to their actions with draw favours for them and blow up back a predetor animal wont attack the prey that has spikes and claws
The only problem with this is that then they are likely to feel justified in their anger. The heightened emotion in the room get’s expanded and is no longer now just with the person. It really is best to let them simmer in it and have to own it. Otherwise they are likely to blame you for it. It’s so difficult for them to look inward at the source of their anger. If you get angry, they are less likely to look inward at the source and process it.
Thank you , I feel like something is going on under the surface of someone I love and something in me just worries so much about him even though we just got in an argument over the phone . He’s not in a good situation right now and I think I’m beginning to see why things don’t work out for him . Sometimes though when I interact with him , I end up angry over his anger which is often hurtful to others in his life . Afterwards I feel like I didn’t get through to him , I just made things worse so that’s why I went looking for this . I began to see other videos on mental health issues and addictions also being a root to explosive anger and I began to feel bad that I started to view this person I care about in such a negative light . I just wonder now , which is it ? I often wonder if he does have something undiagnosed or is he just narcissistic or is it an addiction?. Is there a way to get them to check themselves into counseling or rehab without making them angry all over again or should I just stay out of it? This is a family member so it’s hard to just sit back and see him in the condition he is in . It’s bad . He’s homeless and possibly using drugs or alcohol.
Pray for their salvation and spiritual maturity every day. God can change anyone. Let me tell you that one day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed by God's grace ever since. He is so much more positive now. So much less angry. I know people who've been changed through water baptism in Jesus' name. I heard it's the ight way to baptize not in the name of the father , son and holy spirit. I know someone he was changed in the midst of his despair and anger filled life because he uttered a prayer , "God save me." God changed him that very moment. He's a new person to this day, full of peace and joy of the Lord, not too angry and bound in addiction anymore.
Thank God for your help. I'm here on my 9 th anniversary and he is ill. Now when I walk away he says I don't care...your cruel to me Terri. I am extremely exhausted.
Here is the problem I have. My Boss has anger issues and assumes that I don’t care because I’m calm. I never get angry no matter what happens. He will scream and say sarcastic mean things. He will throw things. I just have a calm personality, why do people get mad because you’re kind and calm?
Great question! A "soft answer turns away wrath." He can't get a spike out of you and that's agitating because if only he could get you to react would he have a reason to get mad at you. 😉
Same. My sister says “I cause her and put others into the position of being the Villian and acting out the role of the villian.” She thinks I think I’m “perfect” because I am regulating my emotions so I don’t get sucked in and become explosive back at her aggression and anger. By nature I am quiet and calm, always have been. Growing up with people more aggressive than me, I learned to be in the background too. I learned that wasn’t even enough to remain out of their targets. I’ve noticed that severely aggressive folk seem to have issue with calm people, for whatever reason it triggers them.
How do you tell someone who’s on substance abuse that they need urgent therapy when they refuse to admit that they have a problem. My current living situation is like this, and I constantly have to be walking on eggshells with everything just so I don’t get the person angry. When they do get angry I ignore but this goes on for days, and in some cases weeks etc.
I'm sorry Shari that you are going through this. I have so many clients right now who are going through the same thing. It's disheartening when children and teens are the victims. It's often best to bring in other family members who may be able to help you communicate with the person who needs help. Perhaps you aren't the right one to communicate to them that they have a problem but someone else may be. The other things I often suggest is getting the person on recording somehow when they are showing the behaviors/symptoms that they need help for and consider playing it back to them later or a psychotherapist who may enter the scene. Individuals who need help cannot lie against a recording. When all else fails, move away/distance yourself. You have to take care of you and despite their need for help, you can't break yourself down. You have to protect yourself as you worry about them.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thanks for your feedback, I will try recording them or if all else fails I will have to distance myself, because family members don’t live with the person and the person don’t show that side of their self I live with this person so I know all their bad habits and they can be their self around me so the family will never accept nor believe what I’m saying is true.
Thank you for this video my brother has anger issues and and he can be really heartful he would find my deepest secrets and use them against me even if it made no sense. But I have a question should I stop telling my brother things about me that no one else’s knows? Because when we are arguing he ends up shouting them out.but at the same time I have no one else to talk to
Pray for his salvation and spiritual awakening every day. God can change anyone. Let me tell you that one day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed by God's grace ever since. He is so much more positive now. So much less angry. I know people who've been changed through water baptism in Jesus' name. I heard it's the ight way to baptize not in the name of the father , son and holy spirit. I know someone he was changed in the midst of his despair and anger filled life because he uttered a prayer , "God save me." God changed him that very moment. He's a new person to this day, full of peace and joy of the Lord, not too angry and bound in addiction anymore.
Well into my adulthood, I lived w/a relative who would often explode in anger over honest, minor mistakes on my part, (but he was never physically violent.) This would enrage me, but I also wasn't physically violent - I used brute self-disclipine in order to refrain from physical violence in these situations. Several years ago, I discovered a new way to defuse my feelings of rage: If someone is yelling at me, and I can't walk away, I chant a relevant phrase repeatedly like I'm in a protest against my opponent's angry words! I welcome feedback from Ms. Hill or others on this idea.
question from someone that just realize I have this explosive anger... is this a "male" thing? cause all the male figures in my life were extremely explosive and destructive.. and I am the same as they were.... but I never have seen this behaviour in females.
This is a good question. I think intermittent explosive disorder/explosive anger does tend to happen more to males than females. It's a given because of hormones. Some research also suggests that more males experience this than females. So I think there is a true gender divide here for sure.
Don't worry I've seen females it's difficult at first but you can deal with it and if the other male you know are aggressive then you can find someone that is calm as your role model
I’m a women who struggles with explosive anger who’s currently trying to work on it. I’ve actually got quite a similar experience to you but with a gender reversal, all the female role models in my family have had explosive anger. My mum especially who ended up becoming quite abusive. I think thats why I ended up with such explosive anger, buts it’s also why I want to stop having it because I don’t want to be like her.
That's a great question. I think focusing on self-growth is important. Learning through videos, books, journaling, podcasts, etc. about your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and the ways in which you engage in relationships can be very helpful. It's a start.
Sara, it is scary. And you are right, these individuals do not react like others and so the tips given need to be different. However, boundaries are essential and you must know exactly how to use them. Boundaries are skills and they must be developed over time. I encourage you to do more research on how to set boundaries appropriately.
Do you have any tips for a person with explosive anger who has a hard time leaving the person their exploding at alone? The point you made about ignoring the person with anger in particular spoke to me, because when I get triggered and have an angry episode and the person I’m angry at tries to distance themselves from me, I get so much angrier because I just want to resolve the issue and I feel like when they walk away their giving up on me. I know I should afford myself and my partner the kindness to calm down and walk away for a bit, but when I’m in that mental state it’s just so difficult to stop, and I feel almost “weak” trying to implement my coping mechanisms, I don’t know how to shake the thoughts and impulsiveness and just stop.
My son is engaged to marry a girl with this disorder. He has a 3 year old. I am so afraid the she will have one of these episodes on my grandson. I am so scared.
Thank you! And you're welcome! I can't remember what I said! I will have to listen to it again. My previous blog was psychcentral.com/caregivers and my website is www.anchoredinknowledge.com. I hope that helps!!
Most of these point sound like they are suggesting to avoid people who are angry. But thats not an option for those you live with and your trying to calm them and defuse the situation.
You're right. That's not an option for people who live with someone like this. More so for people who can distance themselves. I might do a video on how to manage people like this that you have to live with. But I must say, you can distance from even those you live with to a certain extinct and I suggest that.
@@TherapistTamaraHill but isnt that wrong. If my wife is going through one of her explosive anger spells isnt it wrong for me to just walk away rather then doing all i can to help calm her?
So the hard part about this is when you know for a fact what your being accused of was nothing that had anything to do with you. So to me it's almost the same as bullying a person. It's hard to walk away from that. Another thing is I don't lie because I'm at an age where I feel I don't have to and don't bs If I can't tell the truth or be straight up with someone I won't approach that problem until I can so it's really hard and I also know when someone is blowing up an issue because they are actually upset about something that has nothing to do with you. That really makes me upset knowing that person is being outrageously mad at you when they even know your not the real problem so hopefully what you said will work. Lol. I'll give it a shot.
So I went into a mental facility in fostercare for standing up for myself and losing my temper bc nobody was listening after a history of all forms of abuse. After that I tried to internalize that rage and take it out on myself so I dont hurt anyone else and wind up going back and as a result denied my rage and gradually started smoking weed to surpress all of my emotions because happiness never lasts and always feels fake, depression hurts too much to want to deal with and FUCK the headache, and I really only hid my anger... What do I do to get my full emotional capacity back in a controlled manner? Bc I'm SO afraid to quit smoking weed now because I don't want to let my emotions run rampant but I also know I cant just keep on bc shits expensive and illegal where im at. I could really use the help... I just want to be better.
I'm so sorry. This is terrible and sadly, you are not the only person I have heard such a story like this from. I hear all of your anger and frustration in this comment. I'm sorry you haven't been heard. That's a scary place to be, especially when you are doing everything crying for help. It sounds like marijuana has become a crutch for you and sadly, that's not a good crutch! In some cases, marijuana can make matters worse. It can also numb you so much that you can't figure out which way to go. So if you were seeing me for psychotherapy, I would kindly ask that you stop...or at least, minimize it so you can feel and heal. It sounds to me as if you would benefit from a trauma therapist or at least a trauma-based medical approach that takes into consideration your history and the trauma you have experienced. I wouldn't doubt you have PTSD as well. Have you heard of biofeedback or EMDR therapy? You may be able to Google this in your area and see what comes up. Both approaches consider trauma and work with the bio-chemistry of your brain and body. Sometimes that's the best way to heal trauma and stop self-medicating. Talk therapy isn't often enough for people in your shoes. I hope you follow up with this in your area. Take care!
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you so much for the advice! Yeah you definitely hit the nail on the head on the PTSD part. Honestly i try to tell myself "hey its not just me dealing with it" to rationalize but then its like... My brain's gotta point out all the messed up stuff. Probably trying to defend me from similar bad experiences. But it is RIDICULOUSLY annoying sometimes to deal with. I'm definitely going to have to look into that further. A new approach is definitely needed though. The irony is it was easier to deal with as a teenager. X.x
Just want to say I quit smoking weed and I was able to heal and grow a bit. Thank you for the advice on that. :) tbh I think it got me stuck in a teenage mentality a bit and kept me stuck in my comfort zone a bit
That is great to know!!! Hopefully it is something that you can keep up with and feel good not doing. I get it is sometimes a social thing too. But sometimes not doing it turns out to be one of the best decisions you could make for yourself overall. Keep it up!
Good morning, I live with my brother and his girlfriend. My brother is Verbally Abusive to me and his girlfriend. He gets bad anger. He can go from 0 to 10 anytime.. he always has a negative attitude and always has bad things to say about other people. he will start yelling at me and says harmful words. I never reply and don’t engage. His words have been so hurtful that I have thought about Suicide several times. I know suicide is a sin but, I think about all of the bad things he said to me. It’s wearing me down mentally. I’m not sure how much more I can take.I have done so many nice things for him and always nice to him. I just don’t understand why my a brother would treat me so bad. What have I done to be treated this way . I stay to myself and always stay quiet.
Hi. I really need help. Please. I keep breaking things every few months or so. Ive been sober for the first time in my life for a little over a year now. I was an addict 13 years never even could be sober this long I tried so hard until now. I have an abusive background (emotional and physical by parents) and obviously you know the rest... I don't believe it's BPD. Please what's wrong with me
But wat if that person or who caught u off guard & u didn't kno it was going to do it or say it. How do ppl or who deal w/that situation w/out they're weakness emotional kicks inn?
Thank you so much. I have a “ bully “ neighbor who tries to intimidate me with loud outburst about me to guest of his who visit. I’m a condo “ captain “ who is highly regard and respected my the other co owners. Yesterday he referred to me as a MF and pointed to my balcony.. I sent anemail to the HOA and asked for a meeting today with the president. Brief background is that the previous HOA and Board gave final warnings to him due to inappropriate behaviour. We have a new board now. He has manipulated them by allowing him to install surveillance cameras on the outside of the building. Then without approval he installed cameras inside claiming that his cars were messed with… We all know he “ flips “cars for a living and has more cars that are allowed , per owner. Obviously he wants surveillance outside because of all these cars. Most of the owners are female. I made the HOA insist that the inside camera was taken down. So that’s the gist of it. I’ve been keeping my distance and if I am outside at the same time, I ignore him, no eye contact. Any more suggestions ? What’s the deal with him. He has No relationship with the other owners, as they see that he is very odd. He is obese, wears nickers with loud knee socks, caries a book bag and wears his hair is unkept twist. Nasty looking actually. He lives with his wife who is also strange. Never speaks . Please give your thoughts.Thank you
I'm sorry. I would learn more about BPD and bipolar disorder to give you something to work with. You may relate a lot to what you learn. You can also reach out to a therapist yourself, even online, to learn more about how to manage her anger or your responses to her.
What do you do when you try to walk away and they scream at you “ Don’t run away from me!”, and physically try to keep you in the room? Not by touching you, just by blocking your way?
A person with an explosive personality only wants noise if their entertaining friends or having a party. They dont ever want you making a sound. If their not making noise they dont want you making noise. They can not control their anger
Hi! But what about a person whose personality is different? He has a sudden outburst, and he has cycles of mood. He will not tell you what he wants, but he is continuously mad until you guess and give what he wants. Seems he has an autism at the same time a bipolar person.
My little brother has recently been having explosive anger issues and might have depression. Still waiting on the doctors on whats goin on. My brother feels like nothing helps him and refuses cus he believes nothing helps, what can i do to help him or what tips u have to give to help me
I'm so sorry. That's tough and it's even more tough to live with. His mindset has to change and until that happens (if it happens) nothing will work. In some cases (and if you find a good therapist), you can learn skills and make true progress. Going in with the wrong expectations (i.e., getting better with the first therapist, making major changes too soon, etc) can also be discouraging. So I guess what I'm saying is that he needs a proper perspective and possibly hope that things can change.
My friend whose new to a company is wat ching our neighbor who is 34 with a MR...and impulsive angier...hes a 340pd guy who gets mad easily and will snap...hes verbally abusive and sometimes threatens...she tries to walk away and calm him down...sometimes it works and sometimes not...he tries to do that with me and he learns fast I dnt play qnd he calms down...
You are so right that once you get sucked in and engage with someone having an explosive outburst, you've lost. I would add, especially if that person is a chronic gaslighter.
1. Don’t get sucked in
2. Build emotional barriers or resistance
3. Know thy self (boundaries, triggers, etc)
4. Be ready to plan to ignore them. (No acknowledgement what so ever)
5. Learn as much as you can about explosive personalities
6. Confront with strategy
7. Don’t engage, walk away
8. Encourage with therapy
9. Medication
10. Pit space between you and the other person for a fair amount of time.
Thank you for doing this! I LOVE when you guys do this! :)
No one deserves this. Get out.
I've been healing myself from the inside out. When my husband gets triggered it's always the same. I just stand there and listen. The blame is always misdirected and the things he says are so ridiculous. When he is finished, it's usually short lived I continue on with whatever I was doing. I control my emotions and reactions. He has no power to manipulate me into feeling bad anymore. When things are calm I bring up specific things he said. You should never try to hurt or belittle anyone! His anger is rare but I never aggravate the situation.
I have tried for years to make my marriage work. This is killing me over time. I have been in therapy and am experiencing physical sickness when I am around my spouse. I have slowly started to leave the marriage planning my exit. I recommend people to educate themselves on this brain disorder but to leave a relationship sooner than later and allow the person to help themselves.
I’m sorry you’ve been going through this and I hope you found a solution 👍🏽
You are not alone. We all wish you well.
Just wondering how things are for you now?
i was only with my ex-boyfriend for 6 months and had already been getting to that place of physical sickness around him within the last month of our relationship. this is why i couldn't let the relationship continue on. i believe that "physical sickness" is our God given instinct that something is seriously wrong and we need to separate ourselves from this person.
This is very helpful for sensitive people like me. It's hard to ignore even if I know ahead.
Thankyou for the video.I have a 24year old son who has been full of rage and anger for years now.its so destructive and toxic.Anger is control and manipulation.Anger is FEAR based behaviour.Walk away.its so hard to do but I'm still shaking from being completely abused,manipulated and controlled this morning.im terrified of my son and I'm a 54 year old man.I get verbally attacked several times a week.i am an absolute wreck at the moment.The lies,manipulation and verbal terror are not worth it.I thought my shoulders were big enough to bear this but no man can bear this.walk away.no matter how hard it is.It has taken me years to do this.Take your power back.Know yourself.Have a plan.Fantastic advice.Thankyou again.Love and Respect to you all.
so sorry u r going thru this... my 28 year old daughter is also terrifying... she is destroying my home and my mind :(....good luck hun
I'm dealing with the same...20yo son with rage and violent outbursts. Every perceived injustice on his part is expressed with an event if destruction. I've tried walking away and he just follows...ignoring gets me threats of un-aliving himself. It's so difficult to deal with. 😢 sending you all strength and resilience ❤
@@syndicateproductionstarana4925 how are you now?
Thank you for this video! My wife is battling depression and it has turned into anger. Her anger comes out in screaming and punching walls. This makes me shut down. On the days that she's okay, I'm still thinking of the blowup from 24 hours ago smh. Its hard to ignore your wife when she's crying and so hurt. I'm just so fatigued and frustrated by this happening most days of the week. Shes not a fan of therapy but agreed to couples counseling b/c she won't be alone. I keep trying to not take this stuff personal but, its hard not to when all she seem to mention are things ive done or not done to help change her life. The guilt always comes towards me and I do my best for her. Starting to think I'm not emotionally intelligent enough to manage such a highly emotional marriage. I'm going to use these tips to try and gain some peace for myself. Thank you again for the information.
Thank u for ur honesty and transparency when you describe ur situation. I really was able to understand what u communicated.
I’m in the same situation as you, my friend. We need to take care of ourselves first because nobody else will. Prayers
You poor thing. You don’t have to stay. You owe her nothing. You need to be happy.
Your patience is admirable and I hope that your constant understanding doesn't drain you. Take care of yourself. One of my bestfriends almost took her life out of exhaustion from dealing with her partner's anger. It got to her eventually. So now we're letting her watch these videos and asking her out more often. Stay well and remember that you deserve peace of mind as well ✨🌷
Any update? Has she changed now?
Thank you for confirming the action I took over family members who verbally attacked me and told me I was not part of his family ( my husbands family).
My husband became critically ill over 13 weeks and consequently passed away.
My husband and I became empowered and comforted in stopping them visiting him and cut them out of our lives , even at the end and they were excluded from the funeral, harsh but given all the facts and ill treatment would bring about understanding such drastic action. Sadly they brought it on themselves and only have themselves to blame, While my husband and I could focus on our incredibly painful parting after 56 years together.
Carol McCooke
Sounds like how to deal with yourself. How to deal with anger that controls you? Ignore ??? Can’t ignore when you have to live with them. The triggers begin when the day starts.
Thank you especially when the person acts like this towards you.
Thank you another who gets it.
So glad I found your channel! It’s been tough trying to get a handle on my husband’s explosive anger, especially with the pandemic constantly a difficult topic and his lack of support due to not being ready for treatment. Thankfully he has an appointment soon with a professional, but in the meantime I sobered up so I don’t get sucked in!
Excited to learn more!
Welcome Michelle!
It's good to know he is geeting therapeutic support. You may benefit yourself if you aren’t already in counseling. It's giving you tools to manage his ups and downs.
So tough during COVID for a lot of people. 😟
I do exactly as you said in video and it helps. But when it happens I am out of energy for a couple of hours.
This was a great information. Thank you. I am learning not to react but respond . You are absolutely correct. You have to set up boundaries and not let them suck you in.
Thank you!! Very glad to hear this was helpful.
Wow, I just listened to your TH-cam talk on anger n it fits so well into my situation with my husband of 27 years. He used to be the sweetest man but n the past few years since he has been retired he explodes at the most unexpected times and gripes me out and tells me that I am a terrible wife, etc and that everything is all my fault. I immediately copied your 5 rules and it was just like u were talking to me.!!! It really helped me n I will definitely try your advice. I don't really want to get a divorce and it makes me so sad that he has turned into a different person lately
. I have subscribed n will keep checking in with you. Thank You, Thsnk you, I even listened to it twice n excuse my spell mistakes. You're an Angel!!
❤🤗Thank you! It's so motivating to hear people like you share your story and say you found information, in my videos, that are helpful. That's why I do them! Even if they aren't immediately "popular." This video only got 100 views when I first did it. Now, it's over a few thousand and that brought you in to my channel. Very glad to hear this has been helpful.
It sounds to me like perhaps he's either depressed and doesn't feel he has life purpose anymore (existential crisis?) which can cause anger or his temperament is changing with age and life experience. He may benefit from psychotherapy (although I'm sure he wouldn't agree). It's wonderful that you are trying to find answers before walking away.
I wish you the very best.
I love you lr channel. Very informative. I was triggered a bit when you spoke of ignoring since I was raised by a narcissistic mother and dated a narcissist that used the silent treatment to try to make me feel as if they are the victim. The difference between a victim ignoring vs a cluster B using the silent treatment is that cluster b always use it to not only play victim but most importantly, punish and to seek control. They also refuse healthy communication, cannot take any criticism no matter how kind, are uncomfortable with vulnerability and compromise. As someone victimized by a cluster B...I was ignored, even when I attempted to communicate respectfully, honestly, transparent and with respecting boundaries. I remind myself of that so I can manage my triggers when I hear the strategy of ignoring. I also use that strategy when dealing with someone who is explosive and aggressive. They seek attention and dominance.
I learned to do this some years back and it deflated the perp (my older sibling). In return, my physical safety was often in jeopardy. There were a couple of people at risk who I had to choose to protect. So I had to conjure up another tactic to go about life safely living under the same roof. Knowing one’s own triggers is crucial in my opinion. Thank you for this video.
Would you mind sharing the other tactic you came up with? It could be very helpful to know, should you be comfortable with sharing.
I found this video while searching intermittent explosive disorder because I suspect that’s what my partner has. I don’t know for sure because he won’t go to therapy because he doesn’t “believe” in it, and when he did go he bragged during one of his explosive rants about purposely blocking the therapist out and “saying anything” and not being truthful. He will do anything to avoid admitting he has a problem, and resents me for calling it out. Until now, no one has ever cared enough to call it out, and the ones that do care have seemed to enable the behavior. This video will help because I deal with my own issues, including anxiety and depression. For that reason, I’m easily sucked in to these explosive situations, and when I try to get my point across or talk it out I’m accused of being a nag. The argument then becomes my fault for “not knowing when to shut up”, taking the focus off of his own behavior, which is usually what caused the entire situation to begin with. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and no one truly knows what I’m dealing with because he’s a different person around others than when we’re alone. The only ones who believe me are the ones who have seen glimpses of his behavior themselves. His family will take up for him no matter what, or remain neutral in situations where I feel they should take a stand and tell him he’s out of line. He doesn’t tell them the full truth and has learned how to give bits and pieces of a story that doesn’t make his behavior seem as bad or unwarranted as it truly is. I’m going to try this to see if it works, but something tells me that I may be married to a narcissist.
Any disagreement my wife and I have, usually goes like this.
Something happens, I want to discuss it.
She claims complete innocence, than denies doing anything. Even when I repeat word for word.
Then I'm told I'm wrong, and I need to be a big boy and accept responsibility for whatever the issue is.
Than she goes into full 'i don't exist mode'.
That's when I start to get angry and will say things I don't mean just to see if cares.
She wins every time. I'll have to learn to ignore her and walk on
It's just hard when you live with somebody and they know how to get under your skin..
I need to learn how to step back and walk away, even though I'm the type of person that likes to discuss pros and cons of everything. I'm a communicator. So silence is hard for me..
Me too my bf has anger issues and say hurtful words towards me
So sorry you are going through this. Basically she is gaslighting you and turning the conversation around so that she can blame you. It is impossible to talk with people like this. They do not listen. They do not try to resolve the problem. Unfortunately, you will have to do your best to ignore her and when you do talk with her, only talk about non-confrontational topics, such as the weather. I encourage you to seek help for yourself. Wishing you the best -
thank you very much this helped me a lot.dealing with an angry roommate
You're very welcome😊
Great advice: I live with a guy who's m.d "warned" me my housemate has intermittent explosive disorder. Home is supposed to be safe and our peace place. I'm taking your advice. Thanks.
My dad has this big time. He has had it for years the only difference is that it's even worse. I never know when he's going to explode often for no reason. His triggers are too many to count. My dad can get triggered over the slightest thing. What pharmaceuticals are beneficial for this disorder? There is nothing that doesn't exasperate this guy. I am walking on eggshells on a constant basis around him
I do explodive texts sometimes when ive been wronged to many times i get really angry than lash out. I just need to learn to walk away and let my anger out on an object rather than a person
Thank you so much for this information. It’s making a difference in my home.
Glad it was helpful! You're welcome and thank you!
This is the best advice I’ve found so far. I’m dealing with a negative and explosive fiancé. We bought a house together and now I see his colors. I’m trying to change my behavior to deal with his but I also come from abuse. I’m afraid of allowing abuse. How do we know when to end it
Get out now.
Have you managed to talk to him about it? That his behaviour of needs therapy? He needs to go to anger management asap if there is any chance for your relationship to work. He needs to put the effort to change himself, if he doesn’t and you know he isn’t trying. Hard enough for your relationship, get out!!
@sanfranciscolove hello im going thru the same thing with my fiancé has things gotten better for you?
Another helpful video Tamara. Thanks for helping ! I wish you all the best and I’m looking forward for the next video 😀✌️
You too. Thank you! 😃 And you're welcome! Glad this was helpful.
Great job Tamara!
Thank you!!
The worse people to deal with are angry miserable people . Dealt it with my mother , my spouse now my daughter . I can’t get away
I'm sorry 😔
This is fantastic, and helpful information!
Glad it was helpful! Thank you!
The moment I mentioned counseling it struck down to worse forms of abuse
It started slander, infantillization, abandonment and immediate anger now the moment I speak no matter the cause
Thank you for this video Tamara🙏
You're welcoem!🙂
Thank you for this video, I live with a wife who is all of the above in this one. She has had an abusive past from her brother hitting her a couple times to her father being like a dictator who chased then with a machete threatening to kill them....yes it would have been nice to know all this before. I listen to Charles Stanley on Controlling Your Anger and the Dangers Of Anger. Its like a roller coaster ride here not knowing what will spark the ignitor switch . We just had a local barangay meeting with her brother to remind him of the police blotter she had put on him years ago because a few nights ago they had a screaming match that lasted for 30 plus minutes where the whole neighborhood had to hear. I had videos of her yelling at her dad for 45 minutes plus and at me .While she was waiting the hearing she didnt want me leaving her side because she was so scarred of what he might do but now its passed she attacks me again. Our local expat friends steer clear of us now because they dont want involved or possible blamed for something they wouldn't have done because they see her doing that to me. Here they wont have a person evaluated for any mental illness they just consider annulment as the cure. There is a very sweet side to her obviously and I would feel I abannded her . Just today she went from the sweetest woman to hell on wheels in 5 seconds and physically acted out as to bust a door ar break something which she has in the past. I have been doing the things you suggest except up and just leaving the house for fear her out of control anger she might destroy everything in the house .I had to get between her and her 12 year old daughter, which the girl refers to me as dad with sincerity, because she got so out of control and l she was pulling her hair and slapping her face very hard over something that was so mute. I know schizophrenia is in her sister who use to be a school teacher and locked the kids out of the school room one day...now she gets a shot every month . Sad thing is what she feels happened and actually did happen doesnt matter to her its all about how she sees it happened and its all out war. At a loss right at this point for words .
I would say leave but you would have to take your daughter too. People think they can treat people any kind of w way. It is so sad. I’m sorry you are going through this
Thank you so much. It’s hard but doable and it helps you be better when you respond better ❤
You’re welcome 😊
Very informative, thank you !
You are welcome!
Excellent video, well presented.
Thank you!
I understand the gist of not engaging with someone who is exploding angrily at you and walking away but in my experience that is not a wise thing to do. That's when you can get hit. I had someone in my life who was exploding on me and trying to suck me into a yelling fight/confrontation with them and I said "nope, I'm not playing this game" and turned and started to walk away. They punched me as hard as they could in the back of my head and damned near knocked me out. I would have face planted on the floor and probably broken my nose too had my arm not caught the back of the dining room chair and changed my trajectory as I fell. Also, it's not always possible to disengage or walk away. For instance when they block the door and won't let you leave, or they steal your wallet, keys, and phone (or flat out break your phone) and hide them before they start the fight so that you can't realistically get out and get to a safe place.
There is no helping them I need to help myself. As a people easer I've learned to separate and set boundaries since I often don't have a choice when in this situation. I step back gather myself and don't engage. I have found peace by not being to attached to their behavior. It's something they need to process and figure out. I create my own happy space when I feel unsafe and attacked.
You make a very important point. Sometimes there isn't any helping or pleasing them. In that case, as you point out, you have to go to plan B and take care of yourself and your sanity. Learning goes a long way. Learn as much as you can. Become an "expert" of people like this. It can literally save you.
I love the way you explain things 💖🙏
Thank you! 🙂
Helpful Strategies.. 👌
So good to know!! Thank you.
Thank you
You're welcome
@@TherapistTamaraHill my girlfriend over the slightest slight she imagines.....I will use your techniques...again thank u
Yes. Good. Thank you. You're a good teacher.
I appreciate that! Thank you!!
Definitely appreciate this
Thank you! Glad this was helpful.
my boyfriend (used to be my crush) has extreme anger issues, he screams curse words, punches walls or tables, even bites himself to stop, it is sooo traumatizing to watch him, my father used to be like this too(but he'd curse, throw things and sometimes hit my mom or brother), i dont know if i can handle this anymore...
a week ago i told him im loosing feelings bcoz of his actions and behaviour, firstly he cried a lot then became angry like its my fault lmaoo, and told me clearly if i wanna leave or stay, i chose to stay and give him a last chance....im honestly so dissapointed in him, but im understanding enough cuz he has been thru a lot in his home too.... so anyways, ill update 😶🙂
next time if im gonna be in a relationship, i will only when i know the person truly well....and not go for looks, cuz some pretty ppl can really hurt u and do rush into a relationship :)
What the hell r u getting out of this relationship ? Ask yourself this.
@@DivineFeminine99 girl i broke up 3 months ago, great decision but sm damage has been done to me, now I'm healing myself :")
@@dabilover444 yeah they're not worth it. Trust me just focus on yourself.
@@DivineFeminine99 yup doing that... Btw are you in the same situation? Why are you here though
Even me my boyfriend make me angry every day and me a lost my tempeh
Thank you for this video. It is very helpful.
You're welcome! Glad this was help.
Pray for your partner's salvation and spiritual maturity every day. God can change anyone. Let me tell you that one day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed by God's grace ever since. He is so much more positive now. So much less angry.
I know people who've been changed through water baptism in Jesus' name. I heard it's the ight way to baptize not in the name of the father , son and holy spirit.
I know someone he was changed in the midst of his despair and anger filled life because he uttered a prayer , "God save me." God changed him that very moment. He's a new person to this day, full of peace and joy of the Lord, not too angry and bound in addiction anymore.
Thank you you have been very helpful
You're welcome and thank you!!
Thank you I need this today
You're welcome!
Any books you have that can explain this further? You’ve said everything I needed to hear to deal with my brother tho. I really would just like to elaborate further to “BE READY” 🙌🏾
I'm glad this video was helpful. I wish I could say that I know about a ton of books that breaks this down...but I don't. I'm sorry. I have heard that the following book is pretty good: www.amazon.com/Rage-Step-Step-Overcoming-Explosive/dp/1572244623/ref=sr_1_11?keywords=anger+management+books&qid=1636083754&qsid=133-6462069-5753732&sr=8-11&sres=1621063046%2C1684034329%2C1623157307%2C0761158154%2C1523505427%2CB00PI111JA%2C1572244623%2C0062319043%2C1641521678%2C1939754720%2C1641520922%2C1573229377%2CB093R5TKGY%2C0787968803%2C1572242205%2CB08LDRTNP2%2C1684032261%2C1948040077%2CB07SRHK6ZM%2CB0948N41Z2&srpt=ABIS_BOOK.
Take care
@@TherapistTamaraHill really, thank you, you have no idea how much you explained my brothers behavior(or probably you do)but yeah, I take his explosiveness for disrespect at times, but I sort of knew deep down he’s dealing with some things.
You're welcome!
I understand. It's strange how learning about the behavior can change how well you cope. So maybe you will handle it better when it happens again. 🙏🤞
How do you deal with someone who breaks things when angry ?
That's a tough question. It depends on who you are dealing with. I would say psychotherapy if they are willing. Boundaries that are firm and non-tolerant.
@@TherapistTamaraHill can I email you .
Yes! Contact@anchoredinknowledge.com
This is called materialistic abuse. You deserve better. You should leave if this person doesnt get professional help
@@zirpa1 what if it’s your grown adult son?
Very helpful.
That's good to know! Thank you.
Omg you are 100 percent right
What if you live with that explosive emotional person. And what if when you try to ignore them they are like, “so, now your gonna ignore me, that mature, that solves all the problems, don’t talk ignore me”. But then he uses my ignoring him silence to unload on me. He uses that silence opportunity to verbally pound me. So ignoring someone doesn’t always work.
🎯🎯🎯
My mom in a nutshell. Why should I sit here and be someone’s punching bag? But if I did the same thing, it would be a problem…
@@jadeblackwell6227 hope you're able to get away from her.
That’s a good point huh?! I’m not sure what to do in that moment. I suppose the best thing is to self-regulate. Focus on your breathing, notice your own internal reactions, be present and mindful in your body. Recognize that they have very low to no capacity to do that for themselves in that moment. If self-regulating is difficult, walk away? Create more space?
My ex boyfriend is abusive. He started comparing his income to mine, himself to me called me names, said to stay in my place. Then I lash out at him. He got me right where he wanted me. I’m going to follow your steps but now he just hangs up on me and calls me crazy. He blames me for the neighbors calling the police but he starts putting me down then I get mad. I just leave and go to my moms house. I don’t want to leave him because he will do this to his next girlfriend. I’m going to follow your advice and see if this helps
Tina, I'm sorry to hear this. I'm also sorry to hear you don't want to go. Perhaps this is something to explore with your own therapist. There may be a "trauma bond" here or codependency. Not sure. But I encourage you to put yourself first and ensure your own safety - emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and physically.
How do you deal with your husband having anger issues and you have two children and you have been staying at home with your kids. When you're parenting styles are completely different? What do you do?
Please leave for the sake of you and your children's well being. It's not worth it. Maybe co-parenting and therapy with supervised visits for him. If you stay the children may be affected.
I feel like i am the explosive person. And in my relationship i will try to push the person away becouse i am scared and frustrated and I want to be left alone but the other half won' t give me a time out and this brings me to explode. I really need space to calm down and when i do i feel so guilty.. thanks for this video , it really mirrord my behaviour..
I'm sorry to hear this. I wonder if you have ever seen a therapist or considered it. Sometimes the behavior of pushing someone away is the result of historical trauma, a personality disorder such as BPD, fear of abandonment, or even PTSD. The fact that you feel guilty says you can't control it. That's a good sign because perhaps one day you will be able to turn things around.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thanks for replying. Yes i have had help from a psychologist. Last year. But i still need to keep working on myself. You gave me some direction where to search also. Thank you so much.
@lone wolf this is great! Glad to hear that.
You're welcome! Thanks for watching.
Pray for your salvation and spiritual awakening every day. God can change anyone. Let me tell you that one day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed by God's grace ever since. He is so much more positive now. So much less angry.
I know people who've been changed through water baptism in Jesus' name. I heard it's the ight way to baptize not in the name of the father , son and holy spirit.
I know someone he was changed in the midst of his despair and anger filled life because he uttered a prayer , "God save me." God changed him that very moment. He's a new person to this day, full of peace and joy of the Lord, not too angry and bound in addiction anymore.
@@liveforchrist1474 thank you for your comment. Indeed.. religion brings peace. Alhamdullilah. My sister.
Thank you so much for sharing this
No problem 😊 Thank you for watching.
I really need to learn how to fully ignore them. It’s the best thing to do especially for my sanity 😢
this is great advice but personally i believe sometimes you do need to attack back if they keep blowing up on you and crossing your boundary teach them there are consiquences to their actions with draw favours for them and blow up back a predetor animal wont attack the prey that has spikes and claws
The only problem with this is that then they are likely to feel justified in their anger. The heightened emotion in the room get’s expanded and is no longer now just with the person. It really is best to let them simmer in it and have to own it. Otherwise they are likely to blame you for it. It’s so difficult for them to look inward at the source of their anger. If you get angry, they are less likely to look inward at the source and process it.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome!
Thanks ma'am. You gave me hopes with my current marriage stage.
Exceptional Emotional growth 👏.
Thank you 😊
💝that's so wonderful!! You're welcome. All the best on your journey.
Love your vocabulary
This is great!!
Thanks so much! I appreciate that. Thanks for watching.
Thank you , I feel like something is going on under the surface of someone I love and something in me just worries so much about him even though we just got in an argument over the phone . He’s not in a good situation right now and I think I’m beginning to see why things don’t work out for him . Sometimes though when I interact with him , I end up angry over his anger which is often hurtful to others in his life . Afterwards I feel like I didn’t get through to him , I just made things worse so that’s why I went looking for this . I began to see other videos on mental health issues and addictions also being a root to explosive anger and I began to feel bad that I started to view this person I care about in such a negative light . I just wonder now , which is it ? I often wonder if he does have something undiagnosed or is he just narcissistic or is it an addiction?. Is there a way to get them to check themselves into counseling or rehab without making them angry all over again or should I just stay out of it? This is a family member so it’s hard to just sit back and see him in the condition he is in . It’s bad . He’s homeless and possibly using drugs or alcohol.
Just saw this video. I have a client like this and had to disconnect a phone session because of explosive anger behavoir.
This is so hard. It's best to put up boundaries and sometimes move on completely.
Pray for their salvation and spiritual maturity every day. God can change anyone. Let me tell you that one day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed by God's grace ever since. He is so much more positive now. So much less angry.
I know people who've been changed through water baptism in Jesus' name. I heard it's the ight way to baptize not in the name of the father , son and holy spirit.
I know someone he was changed in the midst of his despair and anger filled life because he uttered a prayer , "God save me." God changed him that very moment. He's a new person to this day, full of peace and joy of the Lord, not too angry and bound in addiction anymore.
Great advice!
Glad it was helpful! Thank you.
Thank God for your help. I'm here on my 9 th anniversary and he is ill. Now when I walk away he says I don't care...your cruel to me Terri. I am extremely exhausted.
More suggestions
Here is the problem I have. My Boss has anger issues and assumes that I don’t care because I’m calm. I never get angry no matter what happens. He will scream and say sarcastic mean things. He will throw things. I just have a calm personality, why do people get mad because you’re kind and calm?
Great question! A "soft answer turns away wrath." He can't get a spike out of you and that's agitating because if only he could get you to react would he have a reason to get mad at you. 😉
Same. My sister says “I cause her and put others into the position of being the Villian and acting out the role of the villian.” She thinks I think I’m “perfect” because I am regulating my emotions so I don’t get sucked in and become explosive back at her aggression and anger. By nature I am quiet and calm, always have been. Growing up with people more aggressive than me, I learned to be in the background too. I learned that wasn’t even enough to remain out of their targets. I’ve noticed that severely aggressive folk seem to have issue with calm people, for whatever reason it triggers them.
That’s a helpful response.
How do you tell someone who’s on substance abuse that they need urgent therapy when they refuse to admit that they have a problem. My current living situation is like this, and I constantly have to be walking on eggshells with everything just so I don’t get the person angry. When they do get angry I ignore but this goes on for days, and in some cases weeks etc.
I'm sorry Shari that you are going through this. I have so many clients right now who are going through the same thing. It's disheartening when children and teens are the victims. It's often best to bring in other family members who may be able to help you communicate with the person who needs help. Perhaps you aren't the right one to communicate to them that they have a problem but someone else may be. The other things I often suggest is getting the person on recording somehow when they are showing the behaviors/symptoms that they need help for and consider playing it back to them later or a psychotherapist who may enter the scene. Individuals who need help cannot lie against a recording.
When all else fails, move away/distance yourself. You have to take care of you and despite their need for help, you can't break yourself down. You have to protect yourself as you worry about them.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thanks for your feedback, I will try recording them or if all else fails I will have to distance myself, because family members don’t live with the person and the person don’t show that side of their self I live with this person so I know all their bad habits and they can be their self around me so the family will never accept nor believe what I’m saying is true.
Thank you for this video my brother has anger issues and and he can be really heartful he would find my deepest secrets and use them against me even if it made no sense. But I have a question should I stop telling my brother things about me that no one else’s knows? Because when we are arguing he ends up shouting them out.but at the same time I have no one else to talk to
Pray for his salvation and spiritual awakening every day. God can change anyone. Let me tell you that one day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed by God's grace ever since. He is so much more positive now. So much less angry.
I know people who've been changed through water baptism in Jesus' name. I heard it's the ight way to baptize not in the name of the father , son and holy spirit.
I know someone he was changed in the midst of his despair and anger filled life because he uttered a prayer , "God save me." God changed him that very moment. He's a new person to this day, full of peace and joy of the Lord, not too angry and bound in addiction anymore.
You're welcome.
This, I'm sure, feels like betrayal so I would be a bit more careful about sharing details with him. You can certainly be choosy.
This is helpful
Well into my adulthood, I lived w/a relative who would often explode in anger over honest, minor mistakes on my part, (but he was never physically violent.) This would enrage me, but I also wasn't physically violent - I used brute self-disclipine in order to refrain from physical violence in these situations.
Several years ago, I discovered a new way to defuse my feelings of rage: If someone is yelling at me, and I can't walk away, I chant a relevant phrase repeatedly like I'm in a protest against my opponent's angry words!
I welcome feedback from Ms. Hill or others on this idea.
question from someone that just realize I have this explosive anger... is this a "male" thing? cause all the male figures in my life were extremely explosive and destructive.. and I am the same as they were.... but I never have seen this behaviour in females.
This is a good question. I think intermittent explosive disorder/explosive anger does tend to happen more to males than females. It's a given because of hormones. Some research also suggests that more males experience this than females. So I think there is a true gender divide here for sure.
Don't worry I've seen females it's difficult at first but you can deal with it and if the other male you know are aggressive then you can find someone that is calm as your role model
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you so much.
You're welcome!!
I’m a women who struggles with explosive anger who’s currently trying to work on it. I’ve actually got quite a similar experience to you but with a gender reversal, all the female role models in my family have had explosive anger. My mum especially who ended up becoming quite abusive. I think thats why I ended up with such explosive anger, buts it’s also why I want to stop having it because I don’t want to be like her.
How does one go abouts building emotional barriers and resistance?
That's a great question. I think focusing on self-growth is important. Learning through videos, books, journaling, podcasts, etc. about your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and the ways in which you engage in relationships can be very helpful. It's a start.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you so much for your input. You've helped not only myself, but so many people. We appreciate you
You're welcome 😊 And thank you! It's my pleasure.
Thankyou.
You're welcome
Everyone keep saying boundaries but my partner doesn’t react how someone normally would . It’s scary and I don’t know how to stop the cycle
Sara, it is scary. And you are right, these individuals do not react like others and so the tips given need to be different. However, boundaries are essential and you must know exactly how to use them. Boundaries are skills and they must be developed over time. I encourage you to do more research on how to set boundaries appropriately.
Do you have any tips for a person with explosive anger who has a hard time leaving the person their exploding at alone? The point you made about ignoring the person with anger in particular spoke to me, because when I get triggered and have an angry episode and the person I’m angry at tries to distance themselves from me, I get so much angrier because I just want to resolve the issue and I feel like when they walk away their giving up on me. I know I should afford myself and my partner the kindness to calm down and walk away for a bit, but when I’m in that mental state it’s just so difficult to stop, and I feel almost “weak” trying to implement my coping mechanisms, I don’t know how to shake the thoughts and impulsiveness and just stop.
hi hun.. yes my daughter dsays the same thing (she has IED).. i cant walk away..im too afraid shell hurt herself :(...good luck darling
My name is Chris Crowder get very angry a lot what do I do
My son is engaged to marry a girl with this disorder. He has a 3 year old. I am so afraid the she will have one of these episodes on my grandson. I am so scared.
I'm sorry. 😔
I really liked this video can we talk about rage?
What is your blog address, please?? I didn't catch it all in your video
Thank you so much
Thank you! And you're welcome!
I can't remember what I said! I will have to listen to it again. My previous blog was psychcentral.com/caregivers and my website is www.anchoredinknowledge.com. I hope that helps!!
I am looking for your blog article can you please send me the link?
You should try a character analysis on Michael Corleone in the godfather when he interacts with Moe Green and Senator Geary
🙊🙈
Most of these point sound like they are suggesting to avoid people who are angry. But thats not an option for those you live with and your trying to calm them and defuse the situation.
You're right. That's not an option for people who live with someone like this. More so for people who can distance themselves. I might do a video on how to manage people like this that you have to live with. But I must say, you can distance from even those you live with to a certain extinct and I suggest that.
@@TherapistTamaraHill but isnt that wrong. If my wife is going through one of her explosive anger spells isnt it wrong for me to just walk away rather then doing all i can to help calm her?
@@toddhobza oh heck no. You should not live life walking on eggshells.
So the hard part about this is when you know for a fact what your being accused of was nothing that had anything to do with you. So to me it's almost the same as bullying a person. It's hard to walk away from that. Another thing is I don't lie because I'm at an age where I feel I don't have to and don't bs If I can't tell the truth or be straight up with someone I won't approach that problem until I can so it's really hard and I also know when someone is blowing up an issue because they are actually upset about something that has nothing to do with you. That really makes me upset knowing that person is being outrageously mad at you when they even know your not the real problem so hopefully what you said will work. Lol. I'll give it a shot.
So right
I’m glad I came to this channel maybe I can learn from this video and walk away with some helpful tips I want my Marriage to be successful..
Welcome!! Glad to have you.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you so much! God bless you.
God bless you too ❤️
@@TherapistTamaraHill I greatly appreciate it!
Problem is that you being "emotional" shouldn't be a scapegoat for your logic disappearing
So I went into a mental facility in fostercare for standing up for myself and losing my temper bc nobody was listening after a history of all forms of abuse. After that I tried to internalize that rage and take it out on myself so I dont hurt anyone else and wind up going back and as a result denied my rage and gradually started smoking weed to surpress all of my emotions because happiness never lasts and always feels fake, depression hurts too much to want to deal with and FUCK the headache, and I really only hid my anger... What do I do to get my full emotional capacity back in a controlled manner? Bc I'm SO afraid to quit smoking weed now because I don't want to let my emotions run rampant but I also know I cant just keep on bc shits expensive and illegal where im at. I could really use the help... I just want to be better.
I'm so sorry. This is terrible and sadly, you are not the only person I have heard such a story like this from. I hear all of your anger and frustration in this comment. I'm sorry you haven't been heard. That's a scary place to be, especially when you are doing everything crying for help. It sounds like marijuana has become a crutch for you and sadly, that's not a good crutch! In some cases, marijuana can make matters worse. It can also numb you so much that you can't figure out which way to go. So if you were seeing me for psychotherapy, I would kindly ask that you stop...or at least, minimize it so you can feel and heal. It sounds to me as if you would benefit from a trauma therapist or at least a trauma-based medical approach that takes into consideration your history and the trauma you have experienced. I wouldn't doubt you have PTSD as well. Have you heard of biofeedback or EMDR therapy? You may be able to Google this in your area and see what comes up. Both approaches consider trauma and work with the bio-chemistry of your brain and body. Sometimes that's the best way to heal trauma and stop self-medicating. Talk therapy isn't often enough for people in your shoes. I hope you follow up with this in your area. Take care!
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you so much for the advice! Yeah you definitely hit the nail on the head on the PTSD part. Honestly i try to tell myself "hey its not just me dealing with it" to rationalize but then its like... My brain's gotta point out all the messed up stuff. Probably trying to defend me from similar bad experiences. But it is RIDICULOUSLY annoying sometimes to deal with. I'm definitely going to have to look into that further. A new approach is definitely needed though. The irony is it was easier to deal with as a teenager. X.x
You're welcome! And I totally understand this point. It is easier as a teen. You don't know much at that age so maybe that's why!
Take care
Just want to say I quit smoking weed and I was able to heal and grow a bit. Thank you for the advice on that. :) tbh I think it got me stuck in a teenage mentality a bit and kept me stuck in my comfort zone a bit
That is great to know!!! Hopefully it is something that you can keep up with and feel good not doing. I get it is sometimes a social thing too. But sometimes not doing it turns out to be one of the best decisions you could make for yourself overall. Keep it up!
I'm a new member I have a problem with my anger I want to learn how can I control me
Welcome! Glad to have you on the channel. Join me live on Friday and Saturdays. I like answering questions and engaging with you guys!
I searched this up bc I’m the one with the anger and I don’t want my sister to be stressed bc of me but she doesn’t know I’m depressed :(
I'm sorry. This is tough. Sometimes depression manifests itself as anger. This may be something you may like to examine further.
Támara Hill, MS NCC CCTP LPC yeah but my family don’t believe in depression tho
That's what makes things so much harder. I'm sorry
Támara Hill, MS NCC CCTP LPC it’s not your fault 😔
You might like this: www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/parents-dont-believe-i-need-therapy
Take care
Good morning, I live with my brother and his girlfriend. My brother is Verbally Abusive to me and his girlfriend. He gets bad anger. He can go from 0 to 10 anytime.. he always has a negative attitude and always has bad things to say about other people. he will start yelling at me and says harmful words. I never reply and don’t engage. His words have been so hurtful that I have thought about Suicide several times. I know suicide is a sin but, I think about all of the bad things he said to me. It’s wearing me down mentally. I’m not sure how much more I can take.I have done so many nice things for him and always nice to him. I just don’t understand why my a brother would treat me so bad. What have I done to be treated this way . I stay to myself and always stay quiet.
Hi. I really need help. Please. I keep breaking things every few months or so. Ive been sober for the first time in my life for a little over a year now. I was an addict 13 years never even could be sober this long I tried so hard until now. I have an abusive background (emotional and physical by parents) and obviously you know the rest... I don't believe it's BPD. Please what's wrong with me
But wat if that person or who caught u off guard & u didn't kno it was going to do it or say it. How do ppl or who deal w/that situation w/out they're weakness emotional kicks inn?
I'm wondering why you didn't mention ASPD in the beginning..
I love him we been together for a year
Thank you so much. I have a “ bully “ neighbor who tries to intimidate me with loud outburst about me to guest of his who visit. I’m a condo “ captain “ who is highly regard and respected my the other co owners. Yesterday he referred to me as a MF and pointed to my balcony.. I sent anemail to the HOA and asked for a meeting today with the president. Brief background is that the previous HOA and Board gave final warnings to him due to inappropriate behaviour. We have a new board now. He has manipulated them by allowing him to install surveillance cameras on the outside of the building. Then without approval he installed cameras inside claiming that his cars were messed with… We all know he “ flips “cars for a living and has more cars that are allowed , per owner. Obviously he wants surveillance outside because of all these cars. Most of the owners are female. I made the HOA insist that the inside camera was taken down. So that’s the gist of it. I’ve been keeping my distance and if I am outside at the same time, I ignore him, no eye contact. Any more suggestions ? What’s the deal with him. He has No relationship with the other owners, as they see that he is very odd. He is obese, wears nickers with loud knee socks, caries a book bag and wears his hair is unkept twist. Nasty looking actually. He lives with his wife who is also strange. Never speaks . Please give your thoughts.Thank you
My wife gets angry with smallest things if its not up to her liking, if I say something she gets angrier, what should I do?
I'm sorry.
I would learn more about BPD and bipolar disorder to give you something to work with. You may relate a lot to what you learn. You can also reach out to a therapist yourself, even online, to learn more about how to manage her anger or your responses to her.
What do you do when you try to walk away and they scream at you “ Don’t run away from me!”, and physically try to keep you in the room? Not by touching you, just by blocking your way?
yes...walking away makes my daughter much much more violent :(?
A person with an explosive personality only wants noise if their entertaining friends or having a party. They dont ever want you making a sound. If their not making noise they dont want you making noise. They can not control their anger
Hi! But what about a person whose personality is different? He has a sudden outburst, and he has cycles of mood. He will not tell you what he wants, but he is continuously mad until you guess and give what he wants. Seems he has an autism at the same time a bipolar person.
My little brother has recently been having explosive anger issues and might have depression. Still waiting on the doctors on whats goin on. My brother feels like nothing helps him and refuses cus he believes nothing helps, what can i do to help him or what tips u have to give to help me
I'm so sorry. That's tough and it's even more tough to live with.
His mindset has to change and until that happens (if it happens) nothing will work. In some cases (and if you find a good therapist), you can learn skills and make true progress. Going in with the wrong expectations (i.e., getting better with the first therapist, making major changes too soon, etc) can also be discouraging. So I guess what I'm saying is that he needs a proper perspective and possibly hope that things can change.
My friend whose new to a company is wat ching our neighbor who is 34 with a MR...and impulsive angier...hes a 340pd guy who gets mad easily and will snap...hes verbally abusive and sometimes threatens...she tries to walk away and calm him down...sometimes it works and sometimes not...he tries to do that with me and he learns fast I dnt play qnd he calms down...
That's so difficult because I'm sure he comes across as a bully. Most bullies calm down when they realize someone sees them as a tiger without teeth.
Sometimes he do take his anger out on me.
That's not okay. I hope you are setting boundaries for yourself and if he cannot respect them, he isn't worth the value you bring to his life.
yur so cool
Thank you😇