You will never get closure from parents like this. If you are going through it, don’t waste your breath trying. It’s tantamount to talking to a rock that at its best, will just hurl itself toward your head. It’s a tragedy. If you have a parent or parents like this….you were robbed. It’s their garbage, don’t make it yours.
Trying to get closure, or any kind of validation, from family members regarding your experience (and its lifelong consequences) as their scapegoat, truly is "casting your pearls before swine." Parents just don't go it alone either, they recruit siblings as well. I didn't realize the origin of the darkness in my life until I was 50. "Families" like this defile the souls of innocent children. The effects are devastating, on the children and on society in general. I try not to hate my parents by telling myself they didn't know what they were doing. My father was lucky: he died before I figured him out.
Damn 😢 I love my mommy, but you’re right. Idk how to move forward with her. She wants to move forward by ignoring anything happened and bypassing heavy topics, but this doesn’t work for me. She means well, and does love me. It’s her own childhood that followed her into adulthood.
My mother had untreated postpartum depression after having me, and has been indifferent to me ever since. Rather than relationship hopping, I avoid intimate relationships completely.
The part where the don't admit it is so frustrating because it invalidates anything you have gone through due to their actions and then they might even say you're holding things against them when really you're just asking for them to accept the damaged they caused
Oh my gosh. Everything you said…just hit me. This is so true. It’s heartbreaking to never get an acknowledgement of the pain this has caused. It makes u feel crazy.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I have experienced this too - my mother passed this alternate reality into my siblings so that I had to cut off from all of them for my own sanity. I really appreciate that you advocate cutting off because the majority of people just make me feel guilty for breaking away (I should have done it decades earlier though).
@@polyglotta1 Thats the best thing you can do when your siblings and relatives are toxic and there are no hope for them to heal.... But when you heal and transmute all your trauma wounds, you will find your true tribe who celebrate you!
It's a blessing in disguise that they did. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it can cause way more anxiety or whatever the case maybe keeping these toxic people in your lives. And that can cause damage to your children as well. Before I realized who my mom really was. I let her around my son all of the time, and all it did was cause him to be unsure of himself, and to not believe in himself. And he have issues with unforgiveness and anger just like she do. The anger issues have gotten better in a sense, by the grace of God. It's hard for me to see this in him. Because I was the same way until the Lord blessed me to get knowledge on this subject matter through videos like this. I pray your strength, deliverance, hope, and healing in the Lord in Jesus name.
When I was younger I got diagnosed with depression, tried to commit suicide, severe anxiety and cutting and burning myself, substance abuse and for every single one of these things my mother would yell at me and shame me and then ignore me and would never discuss any of it with me or try and help me. Every time I'd try and talk to her about my problems I would end up regretting it. It's confusing because I had food and clothes and toys but never felt like I had acceptance.
Wow I felt like I had written this when I read it. I had the exact same mother. I knew she loved me but she failed to validate my emotions and feelings and never accepted who I was and what I liked. I totally understand you! What do you feel has helped you cope as an adult?
I totally get what you're describing. I'm an adoptee and I experienced the same coldness, couldn't open up with my feelings, fears because I was 'too sensitive' according to my adoptive parents. I was always trying to figure what's so bad about me because the emotional unavailableness, the silencing was really hurtful.
One of the reasons why I'm afraid to open up with what I'm feeling is because of people just go on invalidating my experience by saying I should just be thankful instead because they give me food and sent me to school like bruh it doesn't work that way. Other people just don't understand it till they experience it first hand.
Yep exactly, I grew up in an upper middle class home but I was invisible and had a violent mother and a workaholic father whom was emotionally unavailable. Good luck 🍀
Yeah, the part that really hit home was the unstable self-concept. When you are used to being criticized over the smallest things and verbally put down by your mother for years it is sometimes impossible to see your worth. Add in a passive father and it makes for a perfect disaster recipe. I have had people tell me I'm a very likeable individual and fun to be around and all sorts of other compliments, but deep down I don't believe them. The fear of the unknown too. I feel like I constantly have to keep my head on a swivel because there is going to be something bad. The only dissociation that I deal with was caused by awful peers growing up. I've just recently started to learn how to be friends and acquaintances because I have been burned so badly in the past. I think just being out of that environment and sort of on my own for the past 2 years has helped out a great deal. When that is all that you are used to, anything out of that realm is foreign. The healing part is something I have just started this past year. I have a great therapist who has been helping me out of the depression and anxiety rut, and I must say there has been significant improvement over the last couple of years. Not perfect, but at least it's a start!
Thank you for sharing this and for confirming what so many people need to hear. You are right, if you are under the verbal abuse of a mother for so long you begin to internalize their voice as your own. It's a sad process because, as you point out, the possibility of losing yourself is high. Glad to hear that you are healing now. You may find the topic of post traumatic growth helpful as well.
Yeah, I always numbed the pain and still was fun to be around. After a while it backlashed, in fact now. Now I cant feel a thing Plus I feel like I was depressed my whole life, you know that deep wisdom. Kinda tough Plus I have crippling fear of the future.... Summing up I dont wanna live anymore but everyday is a way to die so might as well live every day for its own. 🤷♂️
I never knew why my mother didnt talk much to me but she did to others. She appeared to be in her head a lot, or watching tv, she smoked a lot. There were times she would play board games with me but the conversations were surface level. She did read books to me and with me when i was younger. Even as an adult this behavior existed. There were times my mother had cobversations with me but beyond surface, they were few. I remember it finally clicked for me. I was sitting at her house until 1 AM trying to have a conversation with her and she would say she was watching her show. But when my kids walked in the room she always talked to them. The last 2 yrs of her life, she got a little better.
Some parents disguise themselves as the good while being the bad. While simultaneously passing themselves off as provider and savior. When they are the one handicapping their child and blaming them for not being as capable as their peers. I witnessed my wife do this to my kids as she alienated them from me and vilified me in their eyes. It broke them as it broke my heart. The damage is lifelong.
breaking off contact with "my family" was a big deal and it took me years but I have to say it was a very helpful and liberating act. Needless to say they were utterly clueless and blaming and in denial as to what happened or what not happened back in the days.
When I was 23 years old I had the chance to get married to the woman of my dreams, but I let my controlling father talk me out of it all because I'm a short man and that my marriage wouldn't last! Now I'm a 40 year old man who has let my controlling parents run my whole life! I have no confidence, no self love, no self worth! It hurts to watch all my cousins older and younger go off on their own and start their own lives! 😭😭😭😭😭😭I feel so far behind in life and trying to start over is way too late for me. I ask God If I can't be the man I wanted to be in life why do I wake up every day?
Get way as soon as possible, get active. That is a complete illusion, that a 40 year old guy cannot get married. You can have a future, just get out of there and develop yourself, get some good life skills, some things you enjoy doing and don't put everything on God. I hope you are not in a church environment, that encourages people to be passive.
It always comes down to ur parent...esp your mom isn't it. Since last few days my mother wound has been burning strongly and I didn't realize it till now. I wept for the little me who waited fervently for her mom to return home to her....the mother would return but she'd be too busy or stressed to hold me close and to mirror my emotions and feelings...she has been a busy doctor, so although she provided me with everything, I felt like I received nothing. I've had failed codependent relationships all my life. To make matters worse, I'm highly sensitive. But the hope n sweetness I've harboured in my heart as a child has remained till date and I still believe that I can heal from this and get out of the deep abandonment I've felt from my mother. I keep imagining hugging my 5 year old self and wiping away her tears and dissolving her fears...to make her feel better so that ultimately she will soon hopefully heal from the traumas she's unknowingly had to face
I have a mom, who doesn’t listen at all. I have been learning how to go about healing and keeping my distance. I do go to lunch once in awhile but I can’t because I have been building healthy habits. But I still love her but I do get it. Thank you ❤
I had a content attitude while I had to survive in my family. Once I was 16 I left home, went to TAFE ( tertiary and further education in Australia). I built a good carreer, got married and at 30 went to university. I have been grey rock with my parents since. Once your out of home you can go for the best life you deserve but while stuck under their authority you just make the best of things. It was just luck things worked out for me because there was no help for my generation in 1985 when I was 16. Thanks for your vid, very helpful and supportive to those trying to make it in the world.
I don't know if my parents ever tried to hug me. Seriously. They didn't validate my severe anxiety problems starting at age 10. OCD symptoms. Those took hold at age 13 in a serious manner. No initiative to get me help from a psychologist. Dad never did anything really with me. No encouragement to do sports or anything. Said it was mom's job for parenting I guess. I always saw my parents with rose colored glasses and then all this hit me one day. It was just horrible. No physical hitting or sexual abuse. It was more just neglect. Little self esteem and confidence. No relationships to speak of. I still feel like a failure.
@@stormchaser419 you are not a failure! Anxiety and fear come from a lack of love. Perfect love casts out fear so usually when someone struggles from anxiety it’s because they didn’t receive proper unconditional love from their caregivers(which are the only people besides Jesus who are supposed to give us unconditional love)
@@stormchaser419 your experiences are literally exactly like mine wtfff every single but my parents are immigrants and they could not speak english and i could not speak their native language so their was zero communication on top off the huuuuggggeeee cultural and childhood differences. My mother was born in 1978 and my father was born in 1948… they got married cos its easier to be immigrated when your married. They stayed together when they moved and had my eldest sister then me then my two younger sisters. My dad was barely a dad. He also says that a mother should do the parenting and was heavily sexist to us. None of my parents worked and neither of them finished school(my dad never even stepped foot to any level of school) they both grew up suuuuppppperrrrr poor. Im only 16 and im trying to heal. Its better now but not good i guess. It was so hard growing up. I had TONS OF ANXIETY and ocd still kinda do but definitely not as bad. I used to abuse drugs too when i was 14 and 15 to fit in then it eventually took over my life. I wanted to stop many times then this june i did. I cut off the friends that was supplying me because i was too poor to ever be able to buy it myself. I thought this ‘healing journey’ was only gonna last 2 months or so during the summer and i wasn’t gonna last being sober but i got addicted to the peace and no social media and its now a lifestyle im used to. you cannot tell yourself you are a failure. That is not who you are. You are not your trauma. I belive every parent loves their kid. They just didnt know how to do it because potentially their parents thought them that love was gifts and food not hugs, kisses. Because us humans don’t have a limit to external pleasures we want more and more but that internal love and acceptance will always beat anything externally.
I also realised that my father could wasn’t ready to be a father despite his age. He had declining dimentia and is diabetic and is the reason he is currently suffering sick and basically on his deathbed for the past year. But i know for a fact he was not mentally stable to have us. My mother desperately needed kids to have something to live for as her childhood and her life in her home country was so traumatic and tragic and so much death, poverty & war involved and she had to leave her son behind and has not seen her son or mother and siblings since 2004. She needed me and my sisters where as my father immigrated because he along with all the soldiers in his army were exciled due to fighting for their freedom caused unwanted dispute though they were killing our people. Anyway my father was not mentally stable to care for us. He had no education too. These are the way that make sense for me that he did not know how to parent. His own parents were not good parents to learn from anyway. There is just so much pain and differences from me and my parents generations. Theres a big difference between themselves let alone me and my siblings who grew up in the west. I am proud they had the chance to move to anbetter place though they didn’t use the advantages of living here instead just stayed at home, went grocery shopping and then brought us to school. It was the same constant thing. Not one of my siblings had activities or anything like. It was a boring and painful childhood that always had something happening out of no where. So much uncertainty and fear. I am praying you get that healing and peace.
MY favorite part is your ability to be open, vulnerable and share real emotions, scenarios. This is the most useful and even validating "gift" you bring to the table. (for me)
This is a trickle down affect in my family - my parents are like this now so are my siblings. I tried to make us closer - failed and accepted our fate. I’m happier with the acceptance and have moved on
My parents were emotionally unavailable but I wouldn’t say they were immature. I am very emotionally literate and affectionate. I always felt unheard and unloved. This video describes me. Thank you for such valuable information. ♥️
Every single thing you said in this video literally explained everything. I'm only 15 years old and my dad is emotionally detached, and for years I thought that my mom wasn't until recently I realized she is too. Even after this video I'm not sure what to do, you know because I kind of have a content attitude with everything. The only thing that has been helping me recently apart from using marijuana even though I am underage is working out. I see working out as something that no one can take away from me, and I'm hoping the progress I make from working out will get me some respect from my parents. I have kind of became okay with the fact that both of my parents are emotionally unavailable/detached. Just I'm at a really weird point in my life right now I've always felt like I'm on a clock despite being so young. Not sure what to do at all, but I'm hoping working out will save me from the criticizing and aggression from my dad. My mom isn't mentally and physically abusive like my dad is however I can tell she is emotionally unavailable and I've definitely done relationship hopping, I'm always in my head so much of what you said explains me just not sure what to do with this information. And If I eventually do find something to do with this information I'm not sure to execute.
I just discovered your channel I would like to thank you I thought I was the crazy one for pulling away from my family. I know now I am not alone. Your information has been so so helpful to me thank you ❤ God bless you.
❤🤗Thank you. I'm very glad this channel has been helpful to you. That's a blessing in and of itself for me. And no, you are certainly not alone. God bless you too!
I’ve just recently realized that I was emotionally neglected/abused as a child. The terms such as triangulation and codependency ring true to my relationship with my mom. My dad was wonderful, kind, but very distant, always working. I’d always gotten this gut feeling that something was off but that was my world. I grew up homeschooled so I didn’t often get to see in to what a healthy family looked like. When my family went through hard times (such as my older sister divorcing her abusive alcoholic husband) my parents (mostly my mom) would tell me and my other siblings way too much. They wouldn’t believe anything my sister said and tried to turn us against her and it worked. For 10 years we talked a handful of times. But I was also my mom’s confidant so I bore the weight the most, yet I was one of the youngest of my siblings. But I was “so mature” that she felt she could entrust me with her feelings. She’s always told me her disappointments with my dad as well. Looking back I am seeing WHY I’ve had such anxiety and the need to “have it all together.” I didn’t want my parents to look down at me like they did my other siblings for their mistakes in life. I couldn’t bear to disappoint them and feel betrayed by them like they had my sister. They also went on to do the same to another sister who was also in and abusive relationship and got pregnant. Oh the terrible things that were said and I bore the weight of it all. “But you would never do that, right Leah?” It’s been 13 years and my mom still doesn’t believe that my sister’s ex-husband was an alcoholic or abusive. She has told me that my husband feels like the replacement to her ex-son-in-law that my sister so selfishly kicked out of the family. Since I married my husband 6 years ago, I have been able to detach from my parents and heal somewhat. But these feelings are still there and I am just now discovering why I’ve always felt this way. I’ve also just recently began rebuilding my relationship with some of my sisters and it’s been incredible. I don’t feel so alone. I’m discovering that our experiences growing up are so similar. So now I begin my healing journey. Resting in the Lord for strength to overcome this and live a healthy life for myself, husband and our precious children. Thanks for listening to some of my story. I appreciate your videos, Tamara, and will be watching many more! ❤️
You're welcome Leah! I'm very glad these videos are helpful. I was homeschooled too and loved it. I had a stable mother who made sure the home environment was healthy. But if you have a parent that is incapable of this being homeschooled only adds to the family trauma. It sounds like the family dynamic was very toxic and unhealthy in terms of communication. There may have been some enmeshment as well between your sister and mother and perhaps even your sister's husband and your mother. It really isn't up to your mother to determine what an alcoholic is or is not. That is your sister's job as she has to live with him all her life. Mom seems too involved. But how do you unravel enmeshment? That's really hard when the family dynamic is ruled by an unhealthy leader (i.e., a parent). Glad you can step back and heal.
You suffered from emotional incest from your mother...I pray for you and hope you heal from this soon. My mother too dumped all her emotional problems onto me when I was just a little girl...she would confide in me personal issues she had with my dad. It hurt me. It made me angry towards him, on her behalf. But looking back, a little girl isn't equipped to deal with such heavy topics....this is emotional incest. I'm struggling to recover from it all
This is so hurtful.Although I have developed many of these symptoms i can't attributed them from parental mistreatment. My traumatic experiences occurred away from home at a very tender age. The problem was that I didn't get any support or validation from the home environment . I was continually forced to go out into a world that I felt was hostile and unsafe. I was chastised for not wanting to go to school or out to play. I was made to feel that I was the blame for things that happened to outside the home. I am certain that I was not mistreated at home. My mistreatment and traumatic experiences occurred when I had to venture outside the home environment. But I now realize that I didn't receive the emotional support and validation that was necessary to overcome those challenges.
Hi Thomas, thank you for sharing this with us as a lot of the kids I used to see felt the same exact way. Not having a validating and supportive environment that can adjust to your needs or an individual child's needs can be very detrimental. I'd love to advocate for kids like the child that you were because they don't have a voice and because adults feel they should intervene and push kids to do things they're not comfortable doing. When you feel like the world is unsafe and frightening, you need someone to be able to say "it's okay and I will walk with you through this until you become brave enough to face it." Experiencing the world as, harsh and unsafe requires that we adults reassure and support as much as we can.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. God loves you and never wanted you to have to experience such pain. A big hug for you and please find safe people to be around. Take your time getting to know them. Protect yourself. I have found the Lord Jesus to be very comforting to me, so maybe a nice, stable Church environment can help you too. (But no cults!) Take your time to find healthy, kind people to be around. Protect yourself in the meantime!! Shield yourself!! God Bless You!! If it’s ok with you, I will keep you in my prayers and pray that God’s Holy Angels will protect and shield you! 🙏🌸 🙏
My parents were there, and no relationshiphopping, but unstable mum with accepting father. My wounds come from lack of emotional support. That is really damaging for a child, being a grandmother myself, I still hurt. Not as much as when I was younger, I have worked trough a lot of these wounds but the scars are there.
I'm sorry Stormy. Yes, the scars will still remain. But I'm glad that you were able to work through some of this. Sometimes a therapist can help us close those chapters that we can't seem to close on our own. A good therapist, a skilled therapist, will be able to help you live on with the scars.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you for your kind replay and positive interest. I have build a relationship with a therapist over 25 years, and if that would not hav happened, I guess things would have turned out quite different. I recommand a therapist to everybody who still have not made that connection. These days I see my therapist 3-4 times a year, which is sufficient at the place I am to day.
I appreciate these videos. I haven't felt love, joy, security yet in life. I dont know where to start... Im confident but i feel really alone inside and distant from everyone so much that i have a hard time living a normal life. Too much anger and pain, loneliness. I need to find a plan A that is there for my peace of mind instead of the chaotic mess i had to go through each day.
I have complex PTSD from my childhood and home. This video resonated with me deeply. I related to the disassociation as well as other signs and symptoms. Thank you for posting this vid, I greatly appreciate it. I'm going to go buy In Sheep's Clothing. The last book I read that really helped was fear.signals, and it really did open my eyes. Some books are worth the time to read and actually help. Thanks again for posting this and sharing your experience as well as your mother's experience. Knowing other people deal with this helps me feel less alone.
Somehow I have managed to avert many of these consequences, and I was the only child of a "covert narcissist"-like, emotionally detached mother. Excellent video, Dr. Hill!
To add, and this was incredibly helpful, so thank you so much for taking the time to put this out. But a quote I would like to share is that wild flowers only grow in darkness in dank. It ties in with your final message ❤ love and light to anyone going though this, it’s incredibly trying but you’ll get through it and blossom. Promise.
I had just cut my mother off completely , within the last six weeks, unfortunately, my one year grandson I have to detach from as well because she has custody of him. I am a borderline personality and I did the complete door slam to all my family members because of the judgments against me and my narcissistic mother smear campaign…. However on a positive note, I want to heal emotionally and actually apply the tools you share on your videos. Thank you so much ❤️
Tamara you hit the bullseye with this one. I was shaking watching this video because it spoke to my childhood experiences being traumatized by a Malignant Narcissistic Birth Mother between 3-19 years old. I'm cleaning up the trauma of that and dating cover narcissistic females now through Tele therapy, trauma research and Self love activities like: Tai Chi/ Qigong/Step Aerobics/Meditation/Quiet time/Reading/ Journaling/Singing/visualizing/ and more. Thank you for sharing you brilliance with us. One Love.
I'm so sorry. That's terrible. Being raise by a narcissist is very very traumatizing because everything done "on your behalf" is really for them. There is a blurring of the lines of who is most important in mostly all scenarios. I've talked a lot about character pathology on this channel and more is to come.
Everytime I watch one of your videos I swear it’s like you know me. You make me feel like I’m not crazy and everything about my traumatic past clicks now. Thank you for your amazing work and videos. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
It seems impossible to take risks when you’ve nearly never had a good surprise. The obliteration they’ve probably done to your confidence pretty-well seals the deal. I like your videos and appreciate your particular slant on a couple of things. I never thought of neglect as abandonment but it so totally was. 😐 Useful important info. Thank you
my parents deny they did anything wrong to me. They think i got away unscathed compared to ny sister. And even having nessages from my mom lashing out" we both know we never did anything to you". Oh so emotionally and neglecting to take me to the Doctor when j needed it because she was too scared. Now i am dealing with what she failed to do. She even prayed for me to come off a medication for my mental health...... because she had severe side effects. The audacity that she was relieved because i did stop the medicine for other reasons unrelated to her. I couldn't believe she blurted that out but I'm so glad she did. It really broke me but ultimately showed me she can no longer be present in my life. And that is ok. It is painful but she has not added any significant meaning to my life that I want to remember.
Thank you so much for this video, it is so helpful and encouraging. I am late in life to completely become aware of how much my family of origin played a negative in my life and this video gives me hope. Thank you so very much! I know my family didn't mean to do harm on purpose, but harm was done. It is late in my life now and I am hoping to just move forward more and feel better in my last days in life. Just thank you for this. We just struggle in so many ways and not really in touch enough to know why we struggled so much. When you grow up like this, you just want to move out and have a better life, so you do just that and it takes time before you are able to really admit what happened to you. I got so busy at a young age having my own family and pushing all of my stuff down inside. Awakening now at an old age and this video gives me hope. Grateful to you! Thank you!
Your mum sounds wonderful. You and your brothers must be very proud of her and love her very much. That's so lovely to hear other people say. Well done mum! I hope my children feel the same way when they are adults, she's obviously done a fantastic job at raising you, so much so you now help people like myself and others in the comments here. In a way, your mum has helped us too in a sense 🤗 You help us heal. Thank YOU.
The relationship hopping was a true one for me. It's really ended up with me getting burned everytime, trying to find the love I was craving for. it was really hard for me to even figure out where to start because my parents would just throw me into therapy and nobody could figure out what was "wrong" with me I even thought I was suffering from some kind of narcissism disorder or some other horrible name now I know my own mother just never really loved me. She refuses to let go of me as well has no boundaries and does not know how to live her own life. I really need to start therapy again to hopefully address this.
I'm so sorry to hear this. This is the cycle of most people are cycled through the system -- and through an uninformed family system too. It can truly make you feel lost. I suggest looking for a psychotherapist who has knowledge of family trauma or psychological trauma because while you may not need their family trauma expertise, any psychotherapist trained in trauma or PTSD treatment can understand a bit more about how the brain impacts so many things including cycles of negative behaviors and decisions.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you. It really did make me feel lost and helpless but on a side note it makes me wish we had a culture that was more accepting of mental health issues since we have such a bad health system that makes people not want to reach out for the help people need.
I am super traumatized and depressed from having grown with emotionally unavailable mother and stepfather. I have a lot of trouble connecting with others even though I try. I'm apparently too boring , uninteresting or doing other things wrong. I've made a lot of improvements over the years with the help of the internet and practice but it still doesn't seem enough.
I'm sorry to hear that Eric. That's tough for sure and as you point out, it could take years to regain some sense of normalcy. Wishing you all the best on your journey.
Thank you for helping people. I was unable to find professional help in my area so turned to self help and your videos are really helping me to stay on my own path of connecting with myself being proud and just being able to look forward for tomorrow. Thank You!
They are very immature, disturbing humour and manipulative. They saw me as an enemy and i had to find this out in my own research😢 Tryingto hurt my feelings. I always have to be guarded. I felt attacked every day with depression, lonely, grief and confusion. I'm still struggling to feel good again. Seems thats they get angry at me for nothing.
Thanks for covering this topic!!!!! I needed this. Healing, as you subliminally say, starts with the mind. I know a video is good when you put 20minutes into it. LOL
I grew up with two schizophrenic parents and emotions were never the appropriate response. I always thought they were unemotional. Also mom has hiv and she used the guilt card.i grew up in foster care and always grieved for the mother that never showed up. Ty for illuminating me. I'm told ppl are proud of me and I don't know what that is supposed to feel like.. I can't express anger well. Also had anorexia and burn myself. But I have come so far..
I'm sorry to hear this. This is never easy to live through and so many of the families I see go through this. You point out an important thing which is that most kids - as research suggests - turn the anger on themselves and end up in a negative pattern of self-harm. Thankfully you have pulled through. I wish you many more better days.
Wonderful video!! So excellent! P.s. You are not inattentive! There was a sound on the video recording that caused you to turn around for a moment. You are on-point, extremely smart, extremely knowledgeable and extremely helpful! I also loved how you helped show the potential consequences of childhood neglect later in life (i.e., the development of Narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder traits), so those of us who have been neglected (or who have witnessed someone being neglected) can be aware of these traits and be on guard to not manifest these behaviors in our lives (and possibly help others who have been hurt to live wisely as well). I definitely was battling with some symptoms of both of those traits in my teens through mid- 20s (due to an emotionally unavailable father who left our family when I was 13), but my faith has almost completely transformed my life. As a follower of Jesus Christ, practicing biblical principals for living really helped me transform my life. Also, counseling and excellent videos such as this one has helped me a lot as well! I used to bounce from relationship to relationship and had unstable attachments with men, but thankfully God has helped me break these patterns! Thank you very much and God Bless You! 🙏🌸 Oh! And one other thing I was thinking about ... because the Bible says to Honor thy Father and thy Mother so that life may go well for you, I was thinking that maybe distancing without completely cutting a parent off is an idea? Like telling them how we feel but then just distancing ourselves? I have heard the term “No Contact” from many TH-cam counselors and I just wonder if this winds up hurting the victim more than just distancing? I just wonder if the emotions are too strong to do that? The guilt? Do you have any thoughts on this? Or does anyone else? Thank you! 🙏
Thank you! I'm glad this video was helpful!! As a follower of Jesus Christ and Christian principles I have always been careful in how I apply the gospel or how I apply scripture. It's tricky indeed and requires we seek God through prayer and meditation before applying. My mom would use the scripture "honor thy mother and thy father" all the time and so it stuck with me for years. However, I don't believe that God would want everyone to honor their mother or father if these parents are harmful, abusive, and unhealthy. We can respect the fact that they are "parents" but that honoring of them has a limit. Thankfully there are verses such as "when your mother and your father forsake you I will take you up." God replaces them and a sense of respect for them may be fostered still but from a distance. I'm leery of broadly applying scripture because we don't want to harm our brother and sisters by unintentionally encouraging them to stay in an abusive dynamic because of one scripture passage that may be misinterpreted. I'd really like to invite a biblical scholar on the channel one day to discuss these concepts further. It's important.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I think the fact that they weren't emotionally available disqualifies some people from being called parents, surely? If God has tasked them with protecting vulnerable children, and instead they actually turn the child into an emotional parent, they can't even be labelled as guardians, just abusers. It's an appropriate term that God 'adopts' so many into His family, He's the only one who gets parenting 100% right 😉
@@TherapistTamaraHill I'm so happy people are trying to have a balanced discussion on that. And yes, people need scholars concerning the Bible otherwise so much is being used out if context to facilitate abuse. One of the definitions of the commandment to honor the parents is supposed to be not to throw them out out the street in the old age, because back then it would have meant death. But there is probably more to learn on that in context of the historical time and in context of the whole Bible.
I am a 55 yo female. I’m in therapy for what I thought was anxiety and depression for most of my adult life. Covid and employment concerns brought me to this time in my life. One day, it just literally hit me that all I can remember is that my mother was a unemotionally unavailable mother. No hugs , I love you , Zero Nada. My entire childhood was spent being highly anxious. Fast forward, I have been really struggling and I reach out to my mom to be told, “I don’t know what you want from me”? What is wrong with you? Just totally non supportive. I thought, geez my Mom just has no clue!!!! It’s taken me this long to start my journey of healing from a emotionally neglectful mother.
I'm so sorry. This is tough for any "child" (young or adult) to deal with. As I have said in many of my videos of this nature we as humans thrive in relationships that are healthy and involve healthy attachments. When we don't have this we "starve" for love. It's apparent your mother isn't the loving and nurturing kind. Perhaps has trauma or challenges of her own that cause her to respond this way? Perhaps she's just this way out of temperament and culture? It's hard to say but very tough for individuals like yourself (and like me) who find comfort in nurturing personalities.
Wow! This is the same as my mother. I’m 35 now but have finally had enough. I’m cutting all ties. I’m moving away and will not visit or contact her. She is unwell but iv tried all my life to form some sort of relationship and it’s gotten to this point because she says I’m disrespectful if I mention that she was never there for me and my brother as children. He ran away 10 years ago and has not seen my mother since. Which is actually the best thing he could have done because I am going to do the same. She won’t own up, won’t say sorry, blames me, blames having to work. Just flat out does not take any responsibility for the pain and suffering she has caused to both her children.
I think it's time to sit down and listen to you. I've seen little bits here and there of your content but the title of this alone just made me burst into tears. I hate myself. I used to love being a mom. I'm so stuck I don't feel any joy any more. I need me back, my kids need me back.
I invariably experience a difference of opinion during a multitude of interactions I have had with family. It is as though I am from a different planet to them. Feeling me. Your content I find very forward thinking and progressive. It is refreshing to hear videos such as this after coming home from work after being around a micromanaging boss all day. This helps me gain an alternative perspective. I am a person that is easily triggered by others due to me being nuerodivergent. I am trying to work on gaining more empathy for those I'm not on the same wavelength as but finding it really challenging. Take care
Is it possible to struggle with long term emotional detachment as a consequence of growing up with parents who were emotionally detached. Basically the only emotions I feel are anger and anxiety, nothing else. It wasn’t always like that, but it did start very early.
I can relate to almost everything you speak about in this video only i didnt look for the security in relationships but i have developed the same attachment behaviours with some therapists after learning to trust them i would then feel as if someboxy really does care about me and then id latch on to that and Of course this was unheathly and caused more hurt by sabotaging the relationship because boundries where being over stepped and now i make sure i warn peoplewho work with me on my journey about my attachment issues and ask them to let me if they feel im doi g the same thing but its so hard to admitt this as an adult. Thank you for this video tamara and the book suggestion wich ive ordered myself .
You're welcome Beth! I think attachment is a two-way street in most clinical encounters and requires the therapist set the stage. This protects everyone but most importantly the client.
Since 15 my mom has been kicking me out the house, told me to kms, told my to suck d*** on the street, told me wished she never had me, constantly yells over the littlest things, overly aggressive, chocked me, beat me, broke my phone, gave me .50 cent nail polish for my birthday or Christmas when I’d buy her stuff for 200+, embarrassed me in public, embarrassed me at college to where my RA asked if I was okay, everyone thinks she so nice when in reality she is traumatized me. I’m only 19 ..
Oh my. This is horrible. I'm sorry. No child should experience this. The hope you can have right now is that you can "re-create" your life and escape this abuse. I hope you are in a peaceful place now or can find some peace of mind as you continue on your path. praying for peace and direction.
Thank you so much you described my childhood exactly and I always blame myself because I’m the one who turned out as the bad one. I’ve gotten better since then, but still have a lot of work to do.
I wish I could work on myself from within, I try to read motivational and supportive things, but it's hard to nurture "you," when you don't even know who "you" are. I have spent my life dissociating, taking on persona's until I don't even know which one is me anymore. I guess sometimes I feel lucid and sort of recognize myself, but yeah. Don't know what to do about that lol. I feel like a basket case.
Internal Family Systems I found managed to connect me to myself. It says Everyone has a core self you can find and connect to and start to build a relationship with that from the core starting right from scratch. The hardest part for me was identifying and first connecting to that "self" because I was being so hijacked by survival mode but the intuition wants to naturally do it as part of the healing path. Once there is one experience and you go oh that's me and then go from there. I came back from disassocation within a safe environment, dealing with what was waiting for me but managed to stay online more and more and it started to come. Have faith, you are in there, you will do it! :) ❤
I'm having that experience. Thank you for this you gave me understanding I didn't have before...but you described me to a T. I moved home during the pandemic...I always seem to forget why I live so far away from them...how do I forgive when they think it's normal... I'm a crybaby or a drama queen or a wuss or mentally unstable if I dare show vulnerability or emotion. These are things like pain, my depression, wanting to hear a single apology without it being followed with a statement or two that dismisses the apology immediately by making me the problem. Can I ever get better and can I forgive the abuse, neglect, abandonment and mental issues, drug use and abuse, incarceration...more fear than any child should ever see,? I am trying...I think I'm trying. I have to try harder now.
You're welcome! Glad this was helpful to you. I hear your frustration and pain in your comment. It's so much to manage emotionally and psychologically that I'm sure you get tired and give up or feel like you want to. It might be helpful to work through this with a good psychotherapist. But even if this is not in your comfort zone you can do your own therapy by learning more - as you are doing now. Journaling some of these thoughts and feelings may be helpful as well. It's tough to keep all of this inside. Wish you well
This comment hit the closest to home with me, but I had my grandparents doing so and then my non existent father and incarcerated mother for 2 generations of this before me. I am so sorry you know what those emotions feel like; but I am so thankful as well as proud of you. Not only for transforming your family dynamics and structure into something positive, but for speaking out and sharing your truth on this video. It takes great courage and was the push for myself to reflect and comment. It helped me take a small step out of my current depressive mindset and to not feel as alone in this huge world. Thank you so incredibly much, your feelings and experiences are valid and always matter. Sending love ❤
I've got content attitude because I'm a minor and there is quite literally no escape 👌 This video is great by the way! You're way of explaining things is well.
Wow… Everything herein applies to me. I grew up in a violent home with an abusive alcoholic father and an emotionally detached mother, who closed her eyes and acted like her children were abused. There was many days I would disassociate and wonder how I made it home constantly; driving 25 miles and totally on auto mode. I also married a Covert Vulnerable narcissist. So I went from a toxic childhood right into a toxic marriage that was debilitatingly exhausting for years. Sucked!!!!
I was invalidated and neglected by my dad, abused by another kid. My therapist said there is no such thing as BPD. After that I stopped taking my meds for depression and other stuff, I started believing they were trying to brainwash me, mind control me. I stopped going out. I got even more terrified of my dad. I thought, if I leave this place he will kill my mom and brother. Luckily that summer I said fuck it and fucked off way north. Obviously this is still fucking me up, but it's definitely a good thing that I live away from him now. I've realized so many things about myself and him. I know what I have to do now. I'm just terrified, scared shitless. Keep thinking that when I say what I need to say he'll kill me. I can't shake that feeling, so I'll tell him when someone else is close by, or over the phone.
@Tamara - dear Tamara. You are a very wise person {about narcissism in general}. It's a pity I cannot meet you in person for having a pleasant conversation. I wish you well, have a great life. Take care! -you have a new subscriber-
Excellent video, Tamara! I am the daughter of emotionally detached parents, especially my mother. My dad is an alcoholic in recovery for many years and somehow gave me some attention, but my mother was simply the emotionally detached parent by choice. My dad is 82 and my mom is 76, and I am 47. I have a 39-yr-old brother who was born with severe cerebral palsy, so I grew up seeing my mother give all her love and attention in excess to him, but none to me. Basically when he was born, it is as if my mother became absent (to me). I live in Florida with my husband, and my mom lives in Brazil (where I am from). She came to visit us last month and stayed for 2 weeks, because she is "afraid to leave" my retarded brother with my dad (my parents decided to take care of him, till today). During 95% of my mom's time here was total emotional absence -- she spent most of her time with headphones on watching youtube videos on how to better her retarded son's food intake, etc, etc. She is OBSESSED to make him "better" and she totally neglected not only me, but also my husband. We were having dinner on the table and she had headphones and a notebook writing notes from a dietitian on youtube! I am still very angry at her, because we had not seen each other for 4 years! We only had 2 weeks to spend -- she ruined it! I wanted quality time with her and my husband, and we got none. So, to me, this trip was a waste of money and time (ours and hers), since she only has eyes for her retarded son, not me. Anyway, sorry for writing so much -- I am very frustrated with her. I realize that I am never going to get this attention that I so much crave. I just wish I would be ok and move on, but it's really hard. Thank you, Tamara! Hugs! Luciana
Thank you! And you're welcome 🤗Very glad this was helpful to you. It sounds like there is a lot of family annimosity, emotional detachment and immaturity, and an inability to openly communicate with each other. Your mom most likely needed help, especially when your brother came along. It's not his fault he has a medical condition; but it is also not your fault that you still needed a mother. Perhaps one day, if you haven't already, you could share this with her.
Ty its help me alot understanding why I always feel that my emotions is not worthy ant why I always struggle in understanding and keeping relationships. Now I know why I feel sometimes that I fully aware of who I’m then next minute I just don’t know who I am .
I'm almost 56 and I feel like I have shaken baby syndrome or fetal alcohol syndrome My family really did a number on me. I performed my role well and sang all about it to them as they evicted me after destroying my relationship with my son, totaling my car, refusing repairs, raiding my house with a swat team after 2 suicides in the family I wasn't told about (heard about it from FB) and got evicted amidst a mutating pandemic in NYC And they said they were afraid of me.And I was crazy 😮
I severed the ties with my family within myself. Once I came to the truth that I'm not going to get emotional love from my parents, I was done . I don't hate them, but if they want to talk to me, they will have to call me.
Tamara, my self concept has been awfully bad for most of my life. I hope this can be changed. I became aware about 6 months ago that my mother had been a narcissist.
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Thank you so much for all that you do. You have helped me pick up the pieces of my broken childhood and led me down the path of recovery.
You're welcome!! I'm so glad to hear this. 💖
This is what I grew up and why I'm s complete mess. My mom and my stepdad from a young age. Grew up without my father.
You will never get closure from parents like this. If you are going through it, don’t waste your breath trying. It’s tantamount to talking to a rock that at its best, will just hurl itself toward your head. It’s a tragedy. If you have a parent or parents like this….you were robbed. It’s their garbage, don’t make it yours.
You are correct. There's no point trying
Trying to get closure, or any kind of validation, from family members regarding your experience (and its lifelong consequences) as their scapegoat, truly is "casting your pearls before swine." Parents just don't go it alone either, they recruit siblings as well. I didn't realize the origin of the darkness in my life until I was 50. "Families" like this defile the souls of innocent children. The effects are devastating, on the children and on society in general. I try not to hate my parents by telling myself they didn't know what they were doing. My father was lucky: he died before I figured him out.
Damn 😢 I love my mommy, but you’re right. Idk how to move forward with her. She wants to move forward by ignoring anything happened and bypassing heavy topics, but this doesn’t work for me. She means well, and does love me. It’s her own childhood that followed her into adulthood.
Amen. Thank you.❤
I agree. I was robbed!
My mother had untreated postpartum depression after having me, and has been indifferent to me ever since. Rather than relationship hopping, I avoid intimate relationships completely.
The part where the don't admit it is so frustrating because it invalidates anything you have gone through due to their actions and then they might even say you're holding things against them when really you're just asking for them to accept the damaged they caused
Very true. I couldn't agree more. Well said.
An absolute whirlwind but so true her tips was what I realized once I received my higher learning and detached from the narrative 🛋️
Oh my gosh. Everything you said…just hit me. This is so true. It’s heartbreaking to never get an acknowledgement of the pain this has caused. It makes u feel crazy.
My relationships have been so traumatizing I don't even want to date anymore. I'd rather be alone.
same:/
Yep
Unfortunately emotionally neglectful parents will never admit it. As an adult my parents have disowned me which has caused increased anxiety :-(
So true Harriet. I agree and that's because most are narcissistic and live in an altered reality.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I have experienced this too - my mother passed this alternate reality into my siblings so that I had to cut off from all of them for my own sanity. I really appreciate that you advocate cutting off because the majority of people just make me feel guilty for breaking away (I should have done it decades earlier though).
@@polyglotta1 Thats the best thing you can do when your siblings and relatives are toxic and there are no hope for them to heal.... But when you heal and transmute all your trauma wounds, you will find your true tribe who celebrate you!
I empathize! Sometimes they also tell you that what you experienced never happened. Gaslighting at its finest. I hope you are able to heal!
It's a blessing in disguise that they did. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it can cause way more anxiety or whatever the case maybe keeping these toxic people in your lives. And that can cause damage to your children as well. Before I realized who my mom really was. I let her around my son all of the time, and all it did was cause him to be unsure of himself, and to not believe in himself. And he have issues with unforgiveness and anger just like she do. The anger issues have gotten better in a sense, by the grace of God. It's hard for me to see this in him. Because I was the same way until the Lord blessed me to get knowledge on this subject matter through videos like this. I pray your strength, deliverance, hope, and healing in the Lord in Jesus name.
When I was younger I got diagnosed with depression, tried to commit suicide, severe anxiety and cutting and burning myself, substance abuse and for every single one of these things my mother would yell at me and shame me and then ignore me and would never discuss any of it with me or try and help me. Every time I'd try and talk to her about my problems I would end up regretting it. It's confusing because I had food and clothes and toys but never felt like I had acceptance.
Wow I felt like I had written this when I read it. I had the exact same mother. I knew she loved me but she failed to validate my emotions and feelings and never accepted who I was and what I liked. I totally understand you! What do you feel has helped you cope as an adult?
I totally get what you're describing. I'm an adoptee and I experienced the same coldness, couldn't open up with my feelings, fears because I was 'too sensitive' according to my adoptive parents. I was always trying to figure what's so bad about me because the emotional unavailableness, the silencing was really hurtful.
One of the reasons why I'm afraid to open up with what I'm feeling is because of people just go on invalidating my experience by saying I should just be thankful instead because they give me food and sent me to school like bruh it doesn't work that way. Other people just don't understand it till they experience it first hand.
Yep exactly, I grew up in an upper middle class home but I was invisible and had a violent mother and a workaholic father whom was emotionally unavailable. Good luck 🍀
Yeah, the part that really hit home was the unstable self-concept. When you are used to being criticized over the smallest things and verbally put down by your mother for years it is sometimes impossible to see your worth. Add in a passive father and it makes for a perfect disaster recipe. I have had people tell me I'm a very likeable individual and fun to be around and all sorts of other compliments, but deep down I don't believe them. The fear of the unknown too. I feel like I constantly have to keep my head on a swivel because there is going to be something bad. The only dissociation that I deal with was caused by awful peers growing up. I've just recently started to learn how to be friends and acquaintances because I have been burned so badly in the past. I think just being out of that environment and sort of on my own for the past 2 years has helped out a great deal. When that is all that you are used to, anything out of that realm is foreign. The healing part is something I have just started this past year. I have a great therapist who has been helping me out of the depression and anxiety rut, and I must say there has been significant improvement over the last couple of years. Not perfect, but at least it's a start!
Thank you for sharing this and for confirming what so many people need to hear. You are right, if you are under the verbal abuse of a mother for so long you begin to internalize their voice as your own. It's a sad process because, as you point out, the possibility of losing yourself is high. Glad to hear that you are healing now. You may find the topic of post traumatic growth helpful as well.
Yeah, I always numbed the pain and still was fun to be around. After a while it backlashed, in fact now. Now I cant feel a thing Plus I feel like I was depressed my whole life, you know that deep wisdom. Kinda tough Plus I have crippling fear of the future.... Summing up I dont wanna live anymore but everyday is a way to die so might as well live every day for its own. 🤷♂️
@@vsatonthebeat4101 I'm really sorry. This is tough. You need internal peace. That's healing in and of itself. I hope you find that along the way.
My life story!
You're not alone, I feel the exact same!!
I never knew why my mother didnt talk much to me but she did to others. She appeared to be in her head a lot, or watching tv, she smoked a lot. There were times she would play board games with me but the conversations were surface level. She did read books to me and with me when i was younger. Even as an adult this behavior existed. There were times my mother had cobversations with me but beyond surface, they were few. I remember it finally clicked for me. I was sitting at her house until 1 AM trying to have a conversation with her and she would say she was watching her show. But when my kids walked in the room she always talked to them. The last 2 yrs of her life, she got a little better.
I don't know how I found this video, but I think you just saved my life.
❤😊 Welcome to the channel!
Some parents disguise themselves as the good while being the bad. While simultaneously passing themselves off as provider and savior. When they are the one handicapping their child and blaming them for not being as capable as their peers. I witnessed my wife do this to my kids as she alienated them from me and vilified me in their eyes. It broke them as it broke my heart. The damage is lifelong.
breaking off contact with "my family" was a big deal and it took me years but I have to say it was a very helpful and liberating act. Needless to say they were utterly clueless and blaming and in denial as to what happened or what not happened back in the days.
Wheeewww this is a word !!!
When I was 23 years old I had the chance to get married to the woman of my dreams, but I let my controlling father talk me out of it all because I'm a short man and that my marriage wouldn't last! Now I'm a 40 year old man who has let my controlling parents run my whole life! I have no confidence, no self love, no self worth! It hurts to watch all my cousins older and younger go off on their own and start their own lives! 😭😭😭😭😭😭I feel so far behind in life and trying to start over is way too late for me. I ask God If I can't be the man I wanted to be in life why do I wake up every day?
Get way as soon as possible, get active.
That is a complete illusion, that a 40 year old guy cannot get married.
You can have a future, just get out of there and develop yourself, get some good life skills, some things you enjoy doing and don't put everything on God.
I hope you are not in a church environment, that encourages people to be passive.
it’s never too late for anything ever
ur still young go marry the woman you love
Work on those insecurities. Honey it’s never too late until you believe it is 💜.
Aint nothing wrong with a short man!
Coming from a tall female, short men tend to be the most masculine!
Sounds just like my mom. All of those that can relate, sending virtual hugs to you. ❤
🤗
I am utterly exhausted 😩
I'm sure. I understand.
It always comes down to ur parent...esp your mom isn't it. Since last few days my mother wound has been burning strongly and I didn't realize it till now. I wept for the little me who waited fervently for her mom to return home to her....the mother would return but she'd be too busy or stressed to hold me close and to mirror my emotions and feelings...she has been a busy doctor, so although she provided me with everything, I felt like I received nothing. I've had failed codependent relationships all my life. To make matters worse, I'm highly sensitive. But the hope n sweetness I've harboured in my heart as a child has remained till date and I still believe that I can heal from this and get out of the deep abandonment I've felt from my mother. I keep imagining hugging my 5 year old self and wiping away her tears and dissolving her fears...to make her feel better so that ultimately she will soon hopefully heal from the traumas she's unknowingly had to face
I have a mom, who doesn’t listen at all. I have been learning how to go about healing and keeping my distance. I do go to lunch once in awhile but I can’t because I have been building healthy habits.
But I still love her but I do get it.
Thank you ❤
I had a content attitude while I had to survive in my family. Once I was 16 I left home, went to TAFE ( tertiary and further education in Australia). I built a good carreer, got married and at 30 went to university. I have been grey rock with my parents since. Once your out of home you can go for the best life you deserve but while stuck under their authority you just make the best of things. It was just luck things worked out for me because there was no help for my generation in 1985 when I was 16. Thanks for your vid, very helpful and supportive to those trying to make it in the world.
I don't know if my parents ever tried to hug me. Seriously. They didn't validate my severe anxiety problems starting at age 10. OCD symptoms. Those took hold at age 13 in a serious manner. No initiative to get me help from a psychologist. Dad never did anything really with me. No encouragement to do sports or anything. Said it was mom's job for parenting I guess. I always saw my parents with rose colored glasses and then all this hit me one day. It was just horrible. No physical hitting or sexual abuse. It was more just neglect. Little self esteem and confidence. No relationships to speak of. I still feel like a failure.
@@stormchaser419 you are not a failure! Anxiety and fear come from a lack of love. Perfect love casts out fear so usually when someone struggles from anxiety it’s because they didn’t receive proper unconditional love from their caregivers(which are the only people besides Jesus who are supposed to give us unconditional love)
@@stormchaser419 your experiences are literally exactly like mine wtfff every single but my parents are immigrants and they could not speak english and i could not speak their native language so their was zero communication on top off the huuuuggggeeee cultural and childhood differences. My mother was born in 1978 and my father was born in 1948… they got married cos its easier to be immigrated when your married. They stayed together when they moved and had my eldest sister then me then my two younger sisters. My dad was barely a dad. He also says that a mother should do the parenting and was heavily sexist to us. None of my parents worked and neither of them finished school(my dad never even stepped foot to any level of school) they both grew up suuuuppppperrrrr poor. Im only 16 and im trying to heal. Its better now but not good i guess. It was so hard growing up. I had TONS OF ANXIETY and ocd still kinda do but definitely not as bad. I used to abuse drugs too when i was 14 and 15 to fit in then it eventually took over my life. I wanted to stop many times then this june i did. I cut off the friends that was supplying me because i was too poor to ever be able to buy it myself. I thought this ‘healing journey’ was only gonna last 2 months or so during the summer and i wasn’t gonna last being sober but i got addicted to the peace and no social media and its now a lifestyle im used to. you cannot tell yourself you are a failure. That is not who you are. You are not your trauma. I belive every parent loves their kid. They just didnt know how to do it because potentially their parents thought them that love was gifts and food not hugs, kisses. Because us humans don’t have a limit to external pleasures we want more and more but that internal love and acceptance will always beat anything externally.
I also realised that my father could wasn’t ready to be a father despite his age. He had declining dimentia and is diabetic and is the reason he is currently suffering sick and basically on his deathbed for the past year. But i know for a fact he was not mentally stable to have us. My mother desperately needed kids to have something to live for as her childhood and her life in her home country was so traumatic and tragic and so much death, poverty & war involved and she had to leave her son behind and has not seen her son or mother and siblings since 2004. She needed me and my sisters where as my father immigrated because he along with all the soldiers in his army were exciled due to fighting for their freedom caused unwanted dispute though they were killing our people. Anyway my father was not mentally stable to care for us. He had no education too. These are the way that make sense for me that he did not know how to parent. His own parents were not good parents to learn from anyway. There is just so much pain and differences from me and my parents generations. Theres a big difference between themselves let alone me and my siblings who grew up in the west. I am proud they had the chance to move to anbetter place though they didn’t use the advantages of living here instead just stayed at home, went grocery shopping and then brought us to school. It was the same constant thing. Not one of my siblings had activities or anything like. It was a boring and painful childhood that always had something happening out of no where. So much uncertainty and fear. I am praying you get that healing and peace.
MY favorite part is your ability to be open, vulnerable and share real emotions, scenarios. This is the most useful and even validating "gift" you bring to the table. (for me)
Thank you Makayla! :)
That's a gift to me to hear.
This is a trickle down affect in my family - my parents are like this now so are my siblings. I tried to make us closer - failed and accepted our fate. I’m happier with the acceptance and have moved on
I want to curse a parent out so bad but then I'll be the bad guy..... but then again I've always been 🤷🏾♀️
😆 I understand. Hold back. Don't do it!
Anyone who harms a child rubs me the wrong way. I get it!
My parents were emotionally unavailable but I wouldn’t say they were immature. I am very emotionally literate and affectionate. I always felt unheard and unloved. This video describes me. Thank you for such valuable information. ♥️
You're welcome 😊 And thank you.
Praying you find peace along the way.
Every single thing you said in this video literally explained everything. I'm only 15 years old and my dad is emotionally detached, and for years I thought that my mom wasn't until recently I realized she is too. Even after this video I'm not sure what to do, you know because I kind of have a content attitude with everything. The only thing that has been helping me recently apart from using marijuana even though I am underage is working out. I see working out as something that no one can take away from me, and I'm hoping the progress I make from working out will get me some respect from my parents. I have kind of became okay with the fact that both of my parents are emotionally unavailable/detached. Just I'm at a really weird point in my life right now I've always felt like I'm on a clock despite being so young. Not sure what to do at all, but I'm hoping working out will save me from the criticizing and aggression from my dad. My mom isn't mentally and physically abusive like my dad is however I can tell she is emotionally unavailable and I've definitely done relationship hopping, I'm always in my head so much of what you said explains me just not sure what to do with this information. And If I eventually do find something to do with this information I'm not sure to execute.
I just discovered your channel I would like to thank you I thought I was the crazy one for pulling away from my family. I know now I am not alone. Your information has been so so helpful to me thank you ❤ God bless you.
❤🤗Thank you. I'm very glad this channel has been helpful to you. That's a blessing in and of itself for me. And no, you are certainly not alone.
God bless you too!
I’ve just recently realized that I was emotionally neglected/abused as a child. The terms such as triangulation and codependency ring true to my relationship with my mom. My dad was wonderful, kind, but very distant, always working. I’d always gotten this gut feeling that something was off but that was my world. I grew up homeschooled so I didn’t often get to see in to what a healthy family looked like.
When my family went through hard times (such as my older sister divorcing her abusive alcoholic husband) my parents (mostly my mom) would tell me and my other siblings way too much. They wouldn’t believe anything my sister said and tried to turn us against her and it worked. For 10 years we talked a handful of times. But I was also my mom’s confidant so I bore the weight the most, yet I was one of the youngest of my siblings. But I was “so mature” that she felt she could entrust me with her feelings. She’s always told me her disappointments with my dad as well. Looking back I am seeing WHY I’ve had such anxiety and the need to “have it all together.” I didn’t want my parents to look down at me like they did my other siblings for their mistakes in life. I couldn’t bear to disappoint them and feel betrayed by them like they had my sister. They also went on to do the same to another sister who was also in and abusive relationship and got pregnant. Oh the terrible things that were said and I bore the weight of it all. “But you would never do that, right Leah?”
It’s been 13 years and my mom still doesn’t believe that my sister’s ex-husband was an alcoholic or abusive. She has told me that my husband feels like the replacement to her ex-son-in-law that my sister so selfishly kicked out of the family.
Since I married my husband 6 years ago, I have been able to detach from my parents and heal somewhat. But these feelings are still there and I am just now discovering why I’ve always felt this way. I’ve also just recently began rebuilding my relationship with some of my sisters and it’s been incredible. I don’t feel so alone. I’m discovering that our experiences growing up are so similar.
So now I begin my healing journey. Resting in the Lord for strength to overcome this and live a healthy life for myself, husband and our precious children. Thanks for listening to some of my story. I appreciate your videos, Tamara, and will be watching many more! ❤️
You're welcome Leah! I'm very glad these videos are helpful.
I was homeschooled too and loved it. I had a stable mother who made sure the home environment was healthy. But if you have a parent that is incapable of this being homeschooled only adds to the family trauma. It sounds like the family dynamic was very toxic and unhealthy in terms of communication. There may have been some enmeshment as well between your sister and mother and perhaps even your sister's husband and your mother. It really isn't up to your mother to determine what an alcoholic is or is not. That is your sister's job as she has to live with him all her life. Mom seems too involved. But how do you unravel enmeshment? That's really hard when the family dynamic is ruled by an unhealthy leader (i.e., a parent). Glad you can step back and heal.
You suffered from emotional incest from your mother...I pray for you and hope you heal from this soon. My mother too dumped all her emotional problems onto me when I was just a little girl...she would confide in me personal issues she had with my dad. It hurt me. It made me angry towards him, on her behalf. But looking back, a little girl isn't equipped to deal with such heavy topics....this is emotional incest. I'm struggling to recover from it all
You name and shame this parenting and its devastating effects so well, thank you.
Thank you! Glad this was helpful.
This is so hurtful.Although I have developed many of these symptoms i can't attributed them from parental mistreatment. My traumatic experiences occurred away from home at a very tender age. The problem was that I didn't get any support or validation from the home environment . I was continually forced to go out into a world that I felt was hostile and unsafe. I was chastised for not wanting to go to school or out to play. I was made to feel that I was the blame for things that happened to outside the home. I am certain that I was not mistreated at home. My mistreatment and traumatic experiences occurred when I had to venture outside the home environment. But I now realize that I didn't receive the emotional support and validation that was necessary to overcome those challenges.
Hi Thomas, thank you for sharing this with us as a lot of the kids I used to see felt the same exact way. Not having a validating and supportive environment that can adjust to your needs or an individual child's needs can be very detrimental. I'd love to advocate for kids like the child that you were because they don't have a voice and because adults feel they should intervene and push kids to do things they're not comfortable doing.
When you feel like the world is unsafe and frightening, you need someone to be able to say "it's okay and I will walk with you through this until you become brave enough to face it." Experiencing the world as, harsh and unsafe requires that we adults reassure and support as much as we can.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. God loves you and never wanted you to have to experience such pain. A big hug for you and please find safe people to be around. Take your time getting to know them. Protect yourself. I have found the Lord Jesus to be very comforting to me, so maybe a nice, stable Church environment can help you too. (But no cults!) Take your time to find healthy, kind people to be around. Protect yourself in the meantime!! Shield yourself!! God Bless You!! If it’s ok with you, I will keep you in my prayers and pray that God’s Holy Angels will protect and shield you! 🙏🌸 🙏
Validation from our loving beings is essential to beat the outer world challenges.
My parents were there, and no relationshiphopping, but unstable mum with accepting father. My wounds come from lack of emotional support. That is really damaging for a child, being a grandmother myself, I still hurt. Not as much as when I was younger, I have worked trough a lot of these wounds but the scars are there.
I'm sorry Stormy. Yes, the scars will still remain. But I'm glad that you were able to work through some of this. Sometimes a therapist can help us close those chapters that we can't seem to close on our own. A good therapist, a skilled therapist, will be able to help you live on with the scars.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you for your kind replay and positive interest. I have build a relationship with a therapist over 25 years, and if that would not hav happened, I guess things would have turned out quite different. I recommand a therapist to everybody who still have not made that connection. These days I see my therapist 3-4 times a year, which is sufficient at the place I am to day.
You're welcome. Absolutely.
This is great. We all need support and of a therapist provides that this is valuable.
I appreciate these videos. I haven't felt love, joy, security yet in life.
I dont know where to start...
Im confident but i feel really alone inside and distant from everyone so much that i have a hard time living a normal life. Too much anger and pain, loneliness.
I need to find a plan A that is there for my peace of mind instead of the chaotic mess i had to go through each day.
I have complex PTSD from my childhood and home. This video resonated with me deeply. I related to the disassociation as well as other signs and symptoms. Thank you for posting this vid, I greatly appreciate it. I'm going to go buy In Sheep's Clothing. The last book I read that really helped was fear.signals, and it really did open my eyes. Some books are worth the time to read and actually help. Thanks again for posting this and sharing your experience as well as your mother's experience. Knowing other people deal with this helps me feel less alone.
Somehow I have managed to avert many of these consequences, and I was the only child of a "covert narcissist"-like, emotionally detached mother. Excellent video, Dr. Hill!
To add, and this was incredibly helpful, so thank you so much for taking the time to put this out. But a quote I would like to share is that wild flowers only grow in darkness in dank. It ties in with your final message ❤ love and light to anyone going though this, it’s incredibly trying but you’ll get through it and blossom. Promise.
I had just cut my mother off completely , within the last six weeks, unfortunately, my one year grandson I have to detach from as well because she has custody of him. I am a borderline personality and I did the complete door slam to all my family members because of the judgments against me and my narcissistic mother smear campaign…. However on a positive note, I want to heal emotionally and actually apply the tools you share on your videos. Thank you so much ❤️
Tamara you hit the bullseye with this one. I was shaking watching this video because it spoke to my childhood experiences being traumatized by a Malignant Narcissistic Birth Mother between 3-19 years old.
I'm cleaning up the trauma of that and dating cover narcissistic females now through Tele therapy, trauma research and Self love activities like:
Tai Chi/ Qigong/Step Aerobics/Meditation/Quiet time/Reading/ Journaling/Singing/visualizing/ and more. Thank you for sharing you brilliance with us. One Love.
I'm so sorry. That's terrible. Being raise by a narcissist is very very traumatizing because everything done "on your behalf" is really for them. There is a blurring of the lines of who is most important in mostly all scenarios. I've talked a lot about character pathology on this channel and more is to come.
Thank you so much. This is just where I am. I’m so grateful to you. Xxx
Everytime I watch one of your videos I swear it’s like you know me. You make me feel like I’m not crazy and everything about my traumatic past clicks now. Thank you for your amazing work and videos. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
😊💖Thank you. So glad I can be helpful.
It seems impossible to take risks when you’ve nearly never had a good surprise. The obliteration they’ve probably done to your confidence pretty-well seals the deal. I like your videos and appreciate your particular slant on a couple of things. I never thought of neglect as abandonment but it so totally was. 😐 Useful important info. Thank you
Thanks for watching. Agree.
Have you been able to heal and move on? It can be quite a journey.
Like, share, and comment if helpful to you!!
@@sophiadavenport3959 so true. I agree 100%. I too felt this way and it can be a lonely and confusing road.
my parents deny they did anything wrong to me. They think i got away unscathed compared to ny sister. And even having nessages from my mom lashing out" we both know we never did anything to you". Oh so emotionally and neglecting to take me to the Doctor when j needed it because she was too scared. Now i am dealing with what she failed to do. She even prayed for me to come off a medication for my mental health...... because she had severe side effects. The audacity that she was relieved because i did stop the medicine for other reasons unrelated to her. I couldn't believe she blurted that out but I'm so glad she did. It really broke me but ultimately showed me she can no longer be present in my life. And that is ok. It is painful but she has not added any significant meaning to my life that I want to remember.
Thank you…❤
You're welcome 😊
Thank you so much for this video, it is so helpful and encouraging. I am late in life to completely become aware of how much my family of origin played a negative in my life and this video gives me hope. Thank you so very much! I know my family didn't mean to do harm on purpose, but harm was done. It is late in my life now and I am hoping to just move forward more and feel better in my last days in life. Just thank you for this. We just struggle in so many ways and not really in touch enough to know why we struggled so much. When you grow up like this, you just want to move out and have a better life, so you do just that and it takes time before you are able to really admit what happened to you. I got so busy at a young age having my own family and pushing all of my stuff down inside. Awakening now at an old age and this video gives me hope. Grateful to you! Thank you!
Thank you again, again and again! Learning so much while soaking up tons of self validation & more healing!
😊You're welcome! So glad to help.
Much love, blessings and energies to you ☘️ thank you for all these videos
thank you😊 Same to you.
A great book/audiobook i listened to is "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward
Thank you for this!
Your mum sounds wonderful. You and your brothers must be very proud of her and love her very much. That's so lovely to hear other people say. Well done mum! I hope my children feel the same way when they are adults, she's obviously done a fantastic job at raising you, so much so you now help people like myself and others in the comments here. In a way, your mum has helped us too in a sense 🤗 You help us heal. Thank YOU.
You're welcome!
😍💖💖 And I am certainly going to show her your comment. So sweet of you, thank you. I do hope my children feel the same way about me...
The relationship hopping was a true one for me. It's really ended up with me getting burned everytime, trying to find the love I was craving for. it was really hard for me to even figure out where to start because my parents would just throw me into therapy and nobody could figure out what was "wrong" with me I even thought I was suffering from some kind of narcissism disorder or some other horrible name now I know my own mother just never really loved me. She refuses to let go of me as well has no boundaries and does not know how to live her own life. I really need to start therapy again to hopefully address this.
I'm so sorry to hear this. This is the cycle of most people are cycled through the system -- and through an uninformed family system too. It can truly make you feel lost.
I suggest looking for a psychotherapist who has knowledge of family trauma or psychological trauma because while you may not need their family trauma expertise, any psychotherapist trained in trauma or PTSD treatment can understand a bit more about how the brain impacts so many things including cycles of negative behaviors and decisions.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you. It really did make me feel lost and helpless but on a side note it makes me wish we had a culture that was more accepting of mental health issues since we have such a bad health system that makes people not want to reach out for the help people need.
I am super traumatized and depressed from having grown with emotionally unavailable mother and stepfather. I have a lot of trouble connecting with others even though I try. I'm apparently too boring , uninteresting or doing other things wrong. I've made a lot of improvements over the years with the help of the internet and practice but it still doesn't seem enough.
I'm sorry to hear that Eric. That's tough for sure and as you point out, it could take years to regain some sense of normalcy. Wishing you all the best on your journey.
u literally just read me, my family and self thank you endlessly !
Wow thank you I just read Recovering from an Emotional Immature Parent. Life changing
Thank you for helping people. I was unable to find professional help in my area so turned to self help and your videos are really helping me to stay on my own path of connecting with myself being proud and just being able to look forward for tomorrow. Thank You!
You're welcome and I'm so glad this is helpful! That's the goal every single video and live chat. :)
I’m glad I found this channel. Thank you for validating so many of us.❤
Welcome! Glad to have you! And thank you. Glad this was helpful.
They are very immature, disturbing humour and manipulative.
They saw me as an enemy and i had to find this out in my own research😢
Tryingto hurt my feelings. I always have to be guarded.
I felt attacked every day with depression, lonely, grief and confusion.
I'm still struggling to feel good again.
Seems thats they get angry at me for nothing.
Thanks for covering this topic!!!!! I needed this. Healing, as you subliminally say, starts with the mind.
I know a video is good when you put 20minutes into it. LOL
Thank you truth4utoda! Glad this was helpful to you. 😊
I grew up with two schizophrenic parents and emotions were never the appropriate response. I always thought they were unemotional. Also mom has hiv and she used the guilt card.i grew up in foster care and always grieved for the mother that never showed up. Ty for illuminating me. I'm told ppl are proud of me and I don't know what that is supposed to feel like.. I can't express anger well. Also had anorexia and burn myself. But I have come so far..
I'm sorry to hear this. This is never easy to live through and so many of the families I see go through this. You point out an important thing which is that most kids - as research suggests - turn the anger on themselves and end up in a negative pattern of self-harm. Thankfully you have pulled through. I wish you many more better days.
Don't forget to take time for you, nurture. You're worth it. 🌸 Self soothing.
Thank you Helen!❤
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you too 🌸 when we all work together miracles can occur.
Deep love 🌸🤍💜💓
Wonderful video!! So excellent!
P.s. You are not inattentive! There was a sound on the video recording that caused you to turn around for a moment. You are on-point, extremely smart, extremely knowledgeable and extremely helpful! I also loved how you helped show the potential consequences of childhood neglect later in life (i.e., the development of Narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder traits), so those of us who have been neglected (or who have witnessed someone being neglected) can be aware of these traits and be on guard to not manifest these behaviors in our lives (and possibly help others who have been hurt to live wisely as well). I definitely was battling with some symptoms of both of those traits in my teens through mid- 20s (due to an emotionally unavailable father who left our family when I was 13), but my faith has almost completely transformed my life. As a follower of Jesus Christ, practicing biblical principals for living really helped me transform my life. Also, counseling and excellent videos such as this one has helped me a lot as well! I used to bounce from relationship to relationship and had unstable attachments with men, but thankfully God has helped me break these patterns! Thank you very much and God Bless You! 🙏🌸
Oh! And one other thing I was thinking about ... because the Bible says to Honor thy Father and thy Mother so that life may go well for you, I was thinking that maybe distancing without completely cutting a parent off is an idea? Like telling them how we feel but then just distancing ourselves? I have heard the term “No Contact” from many TH-cam counselors and I just wonder if this winds up hurting the victim more than just distancing? I just wonder if the emotions are too strong to do that? The guilt? Do you have any thoughts on this? Or does anyone else? Thank you! 🙏
Thank you! I'm glad this video was helpful!!
As a follower of Jesus Christ and Christian principles I have always been careful in how I apply the gospel or how I apply scripture. It's tricky indeed and requires we seek God through prayer and meditation before applying. My mom would use the scripture "honor thy mother and thy father" all the time and so it stuck with me for years. However, I don't believe that God would want everyone to honor their mother or father if these parents are harmful, abusive, and unhealthy. We can respect the fact that they are "parents" but that honoring of them has a limit. Thankfully there are verses such as "when your mother and your father forsake you I will take you up." God replaces them and a sense of respect for them may be fostered still but from a distance. I'm leery of broadly applying scripture because we don't want to harm our brother and sisters by unintentionally encouraging them to stay in an abusive dynamic because of one scripture passage that may be misinterpreted.
I'd really like to invite a biblical scholar on the channel one day to discuss these concepts further. It's important.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I think the fact that they weren't emotionally available disqualifies some people from being called parents, surely? If God has tasked them with protecting vulnerable children, and instead they actually turn the child into an emotional parent, they can't even be labelled as guardians, just abusers. It's an appropriate term that God 'adopts' so many into His family, He's the only one who gets parenting 100% right 😉
@@TherapistTamaraHill
I'm so happy people are trying to have a balanced discussion on that.
And yes, people need scholars concerning the Bible otherwise so much is being used out if context to facilitate abuse.
One of the definitions of the commandment to honor the parents is supposed to be not to throw them out out the street in the old age, because back then it would have meant death.
But there is probably more to learn on that in context of the historical time and in context of the whole Bible.
I am a 55 yo female. I’m in therapy for what I thought was anxiety and depression for most of my adult life. Covid and employment concerns brought me to this time in my life.
One day, it just literally hit me that all I can remember is that my mother was a unemotionally unavailable mother. No hugs , I love you , Zero Nada. My entire childhood was spent being highly anxious. Fast forward, I have been really struggling and I reach out to my mom to be told, “I don’t know what you want from me”? What is wrong with you? Just totally non supportive. I thought, geez my Mom just has no clue!!!!
It’s taken me this long to start my journey of healing from a emotionally neglectful mother.
I'm so sorry. This is tough for any "child" (young or adult) to deal with. As I have said in many of my videos of this nature we as humans thrive in relationships that are healthy and involve healthy attachments. When we don't have this we "starve" for love. It's apparent your mother isn't the loving and nurturing kind. Perhaps has trauma or challenges of her own that cause her to respond this way? Perhaps she's just this way out of temperament and culture? It's hard to say but very tough for individuals like yourself (and like me) who find comfort in nurturing personalities.
Wow! This is the same as my mother. I’m 35 now but have finally had enough. I’m cutting all ties. I’m moving away and will not visit or contact her. She is unwell but iv tried all my life to form some sort of relationship and it’s gotten to this point because she says I’m disrespectful if I mention that she was never there for me and my brother as children. He ran away 10 years ago and has not seen my mother since. Which is actually the best thing he could have done because I am going to do the same. She won’t own up, won’t say sorry, blames me, blames having to work. Just flat out does not take any responsibility for the pain and suffering she has caused to both her children.
I think it's time to sit down and listen to you. I've seen little bits here and there of your content but the title of this alone just made me burst into tears. I hate myself. I used to love being a mom. I'm so stuck I don't feel any joy any more. I need me back, my kids need me back.
Thank you for this insight. Everything you described is exactly what I've been going through. I feel like I got the closure I needed.
You're welcome! Sometimes that's all it takes to begin healing.
I invariably experience a difference of opinion during a multitude of interactions I have had with family. It is as though I am from a different planet to them. Feeling me. Your content I find very forward thinking and progressive. It is refreshing to hear videos such as this after coming home from work after being around a micromanaging boss all day. This helps me gain an alternative perspective. I am a person that is easily triggered by others due to me being nuerodivergent. I am trying to work on gaining more empathy for those I'm not on the same wavelength as but finding it really challenging. Take care
Is it possible to struggle with long term emotional detachment as a consequence of growing up with parents who were emotionally detached. Basically the only emotions I feel are anger and anxiety, nothing else. It wasn’t always like that, but it did start very early.
Same question
Yes. Try Children of Emotionally Immature Parents or Running on Empty
There is so much truth in this video ..i burnt calories hearing this
You are excellent 👏 thank you for teaching so much truth 🙏 ❤️
🤗Thank you! And you're welcome. It's my pleasure.
I can relate to almost everything you speak about in this video only i didnt look for the security in relationships but i have developed the same attachment behaviours with some therapists after learning to trust them i would then feel as if someboxy really does care about me and then id latch on to that and
Of course this was unheathly and caused more hurt by sabotaging the relationship because boundries where being over stepped and now i make sure i warn peoplewho work with me on my journey about my attachment issues and ask them to let me if they feel im doi g the same thing but its so hard to admitt this as an adult. Thank you for this video tamara and the book suggestion wich ive ordered myself .
You're welcome Beth!
I think attachment is a two-way street in most clinical encounters and requires the therapist set the stage. This protects everyone but most importantly the client.
Since 15 my mom has been kicking me out the house, told me to kms, told my to suck d*** on the street, told me wished she never had me, constantly yells over the littlest things, overly aggressive, chocked me, beat me, broke my phone, gave me .50 cent nail polish for my birthday or Christmas when I’d buy her stuff for 200+, embarrassed me in public, embarrassed me at college to where my RA asked if I was okay, everyone thinks she so nice when in reality she is traumatized me. I’m only 19 ..
Oh my. This is horrible. I'm sorry. No child should experience this. The hope you can have right now is that you can "re-create" your life and escape this abuse. I hope you are in a peaceful place now or can find some peace of mind as you continue on your path.
praying for peace and direction.
VERY important video ! Keep this topic coming!
Thank you! Just did a video tonight on this topic. I encourage you to check that one out too.
Thank you so much you described my childhood exactly and I always blame myself because I’m the one who turned out as the bad one. I’ve gotten better since then, but still have a lot of work to do.
I knew it! I got all his books. Very very very helpful.
those steps at the end will really help me
thank you : )
You're welcome!
I wish I could work on myself from within, I try to read motivational and supportive things, but it's hard to nurture "you," when you don't even know who "you" are. I have spent my life dissociating, taking on persona's until I don't even know which one is me anymore. I guess sometimes I feel lucid and sort of recognize myself, but yeah. Don't know what to do about that lol. I feel like a basket case.
Spend more time with you to know you.
Internal Family Systems I found managed to connect me to myself. It says Everyone has a core self you can find and connect to and start to build a relationship with that from the core starting right from scratch. The hardest part for me was identifying and first connecting to that "self" because I was being so hijacked by survival mode but the intuition wants to naturally do it as part of the healing path. Once there is one experience and you go oh that's me and then go from there. I came back from disassocation within a safe environment, dealing with what was waiting for me but managed to stay online more and more and it started to come. Have faith, you are in there, you will do it! :) ❤
In Sheep's Clothing is an excellent reference
This was very helpful and validating.Thank you❤
Glad it was helpful! And thank you for watching.
AMAZING!
I'm having that experience. Thank you for this you gave me understanding I didn't have before...but you described me to a T. I moved home during the pandemic...I always seem to forget why I live so far away from them...how do I forgive when they think it's normal... I'm a crybaby or a drama queen or a wuss or mentally unstable if I dare show vulnerability or emotion. These are things like pain, my depression, wanting to hear a single apology without it being followed with a statement or two that dismisses the apology immediately by making me the problem. Can I ever get better and can I forgive the abuse, neglect, abandonment and mental issues, drug use and abuse, incarceration...more fear than any child should ever see,? I am trying...I think I'm trying. I have to try harder now.
You're welcome! Glad this was helpful to you.
I hear your frustration and pain in your comment. It's so much to manage emotionally and psychologically that I'm sure you get tired and give up or feel like you want to. It might be helpful to work through this with a good psychotherapist. But even if this is not in your comfort zone you can do your own therapy by learning more - as you are doing now. Journaling some of these thoughts and feelings may be helpful as well. It's tough to keep all of this inside.
Wish you well
This comment hit the closest to home with me, but I had my grandparents doing so and then my non existent father and incarcerated mother for 2 generations of this before me. I am so sorry you know what those emotions feel like; but I am so thankful as well as proud of you. Not only for transforming your family dynamics and structure into something positive, but for speaking out and sharing your truth on this video. It takes great courage and was the push for myself to reflect and comment. It helped me take a small step out of my current depressive mindset and to not feel as alone in this huge world. Thank you so incredibly much, your feelings and experiences are valid and always matter. Sending love ❤
I love love love that you mentioned spirituality
😊 It's important for sure!
Excellent content. I am glad I found your channel.
Welcome aboard! And thank you so much!
Very helpful content. Thank you.
You're very welcome! And thank you.
Wow all of this fits me so well. I didn't even know the cause
🙂
I've got content attitude because I'm a minor and there is quite literally no escape 👌 This video is great by the way! You're way of explaining things is well.
Thank you so much!! I'm glad this was helpful to you.
Wow…
Everything herein applies to me. I grew up in a violent home with an abusive alcoholic father and an emotionally detached mother, who closed her eyes and acted like her children were abused.
There was many days I would disassociate and wonder how I made it home constantly; driving 25 miles and totally on auto mode.
I also married a Covert Vulnerable narcissist. So I went from a toxic childhood right into a toxic marriage that was debilitatingly exhausting for years.
Sucked!!!!
Yes when you said unknown of what gonna come I always confused worried stressed mostly I will think of the worst
This is so needed, thank you! I love your work, you can tell you really care about humanity 💜
Thank you so much!🥰
That's my motivator in my work for sure.
@@TherapistTamaraHill keep shining! I love seeing excellent black therapists. It's what our community needs.
Needed this badddd
I was invalidated and neglected by my dad, abused by another kid. My therapist said there is no such thing as BPD. After that I stopped taking my meds for depression and other stuff, I started believing they were trying to brainwash me, mind control me. I stopped going out. I got even more terrified of my dad. I thought, if I leave this place he will kill my mom and brother. Luckily that summer I said fuck it and fucked off way north. Obviously this is still fucking me up, but it's definitely a good thing that I live away from him now. I've realized so many things about myself and him. I know what I have to do now. I'm just terrified, scared shitless. Keep thinking that when I say what I need to say he'll kill me. I can't shake that feeling, so I'll tell him when someone else is close by, or over the phone.
just found this video and immediately subscribed ❤️thank you this video was very validating for me
welcome to the channel 😊 And thank you! Glad this was helpful.
@Tamara - dear Tamara. You are a very wise person {about narcissism in general}.
It's a pity I cannot meet you in person for having a pleasant conversation.
I wish you well, have a great life. Take care! -you have a new subscriber-
Thank you!
I had the opposite, not impulsivity at all. So insecure and indecisive in my adolescence the most of the times
That is very common. Having unhealthy parents can lead to a lifetime of challenges.
Excellent video, Tamara! I am the daughter of emotionally detached parents, especially my mother. My dad is an alcoholic in recovery for many years and somehow gave me some attention, but my mother was simply the emotionally detached parent by choice. My dad is 82 and my mom is 76, and I am 47. I have a 39-yr-old brother who was born with severe cerebral palsy, so I grew up seeing my mother give all her love and attention in excess to him, but none to me. Basically when he was born, it is as if my mother became absent (to me). I live in Florida with my husband, and my mom lives in Brazil (where I am from). She came to visit us last month and stayed for 2 weeks, because she is "afraid to leave" my retarded brother with my dad (my parents decided to take care of him, till today). During 95% of my mom's time here was total emotional absence -- she spent most of her time with headphones on watching youtube videos on how to better her retarded son's food intake, etc, etc. She is OBSESSED to make him "better" and she totally neglected not only me, but also my husband. We were having dinner on the table and she had headphones and a notebook writing notes from a dietitian on youtube! I am still very angry at her, because we had not seen each other for 4 years! We only had 2 weeks to spend -- she ruined it! I wanted quality time with her and my husband, and we got none. So, to me, this trip was a waste of money and time (ours and hers), since she only has eyes for her retarded son, not me. Anyway, sorry for writing so much -- I am very frustrated with her. I realize that I am never going to get this attention that I so much crave. I just wish I would be ok and move on, but it's really hard. Thank you, Tamara! Hugs! Luciana
Thank you! And you're welcome 🤗Very glad this was helpful to you.
It sounds like there is a lot of family annimosity, emotional detachment and immaturity, and an inability to openly communicate with each other. Your mom most likely needed help, especially when your brother came along. It's not his fault he has a medical condition; but it is also not your fault that you still needed a mother. Perhaps one day, if you haven't already, you could share this with her.
Ty its help me alot understanding why I always feel that my emotions is not worthy ant why I always struggle in understanding and keeping relationships. Now I know why I feel sometimes that I fully aware of who I’m then next minute I just don’t know who I am .
You're welcome!
This was really helpful
That's great!! Glad this was helpful to you.
I'm almost 56 and I feel like I have shaken baby syndrome or fetal alcohol syndrome
My family really did a number on me.
I performed my role well and sang all about it to them as they evicted me after destroying my relationship with my son, totaling my car, refusing repairs, raiding my house with a swat team after 2 suicides in the family I wasn't told about (heard about it from FB) and got evicted amidst a mutating pandemic in NYC
And they said they were afraid of me.And I was crazy 😮
Subscribing before they know who you are/what you're about is unlikely. That line has some ouch to it.
Wonderful channel! I love the content!
Thank you.
I've updated my approach over time. We all have to grow right? 🤭
Great video thanks
You're welcome and thank you!
wow this was perfect!! I learned a lot and helpful but havent worked through everything yet.
i have seriously considered cutting family off at times. i just don't have anything in common with them. It's a hard one.
I'm so sorry. I understand that for sure. If cutting them off isn't possible, setting firm boundaries may be.
I severed the ties with my family within myself. Once I came to the truth that I'm not going to get emotional love from my parents, I was done . I don't hate them, but if they want to talk to me, they will have to call me.
Tamara, my self concept has been awfully bad for most of my life. I hope this can be changed.
I became aware about 6 months ago that my mother had been a narcissist.
Thank You so Much !!!
You're welcome! Thank you for watching.
I really like your talks! Great to see an evolved being💝
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much
You're welcome!!