The Controller's Dirty Little Secret, Part 1
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ต.ค. 2024
- Eight Ways to Respond to a Controller’s Insecurities.
When a person acts consistently controlling, behind the scenes is a deep insecurity driven by fear and apprehension. Yet these people often operate with such a low level of self awareness that they cannot admit this obvious truth. Your task, as one who relates with the controller, is to keep your composure, not allowing the other to set your emotional pace.
Something to Think about:
1. Controllers fear being deemed unnecessary.
2. Rather than allowing for differing thoughts and perceptions, controllers must appear to have all the knowledge needed to live with balance.
3. Your ability to respond well to the controller is in direct proportion to your own awareness of your’s and the other’s emotional patterns.
Let’s Talk:
When you feel controlled by someone else how do you get drawn into that person’s dysfunction?
For more information: MarriagePath.com
Nothing you do will change a narc. These strategies will wear you out. Just leave, save yourself from a lifetime of useless struggle.
Unfortunately some people have no choice but to continue dealing with a narc.
@@carlover84 Why? You always have a choice
@ Nicole K. You are right. If you are a young teen and your mom is a narc is one example. A person like that cannot live on the street! Currently I never talk to my mom, but I have money and other means to be independent.
pete t yes you are 200% Rigth Just live
@@veritasnunc8749 nothing is ever ever ever going to change with your mom. Mine too. I'm 57 and have been trying my whole life to conquer the narc. Give up its just not possible. Your mom will try and control you from her death bed. I'm sorry but I feel it'd be best to tell you the truth. I wish someone would have told me four decades ago when I was 17.
Oh my gosh you are so right! I lost my identity after years of marriage! Your videos are so helpful!
I remember being bullied badly at school but was told I must have done something to deserve it , and it doesn't happen for no reason. For years I thought it must have been me . I must have been inadequate, years and years later I've connected the dots. I did not deserve to be bullied.
It's made me so protective of my children.
God bless you for being one of the exposers of this. This is pervasive in our society to say the least.
I had a smart, calculating mouth back in my 20's. I was cruel and dominating. But my husband wouldn't feed into it. Sometimes he would even laugh in astonishment at what was coming out of my mouth. I'd always walk away in a huff, sit out by the pond and nature would calm me down. Somewhere along the line I started feeling like I wanted things to change. It took years to fully get a grasp of how insecure I was and surrendered to a higher power. "He" became my father and I "grew up" with love and wisdom and lovingly let go of my past. 30 years later my husband and I are still best friends.
That's an amazing testimony of what the holy spirit can do if you are willing.
You were just insecure,not a narcissist. not even religion can save narcissist,they often use it as a cover of piety.
@@sanctusignis9746 Sadly true as I had a cult leader and a friend of whom I thought both were very spiritual but they actually had no real grasp of God or the Holy Spirit it turned out. Both were just going through the motions so rhey could control others. It's like they wanted to be real but the demons were too strong and in the end they chose who they really wanted to serve and that was the god of this world not our Father through Jesus Christ.
Beautiful story. I can't help but wonder, though, what toll your healing journey took on your husband. It had to have an undermining impact, even if he was an evolved person, which he clearly had to have been, from your description.
@@m.j.2939 www.decisionmakingconfidence.com has alot of info on cult brainwashing and mind control. Also relationships with narcs are like a cult between 2 people,with the target of course being the follower and not leader. It's an awesome read to forward to friends who perhaps haven't seen the truth yet...
I'm sorry you went through that. Hope you're in a better place spiritually now.
Yes.....This was my Dad and once I put the “Brakes” on by stopping all communications it made him even angrier which drove him to start talking about me to family members he was diagnosed with cancer and I decided to go see him with my boundaries set and he agreed but it felt good to finally stand up to him at 34 years old
This is absolutely brilliant! Thank you so much Dr. Les. So much to learn from all your videos 👍
Really appreciate your work...
There are 1.9 thousand people getting smarter with this video. Amagine how many had suicidal thoughts. Amagine how many you saved. I say you saved at least 1,000.
God bless Dr.Les Carter 🙏🙏🙏
@@salonsavy6476 Mary blesses him too
Amen♥️
can you change a controller, I say no. I was married 25 years to a controller. I broke free
I came across this quote: You running around destroying people doesn't make you brilliant or them stupid, It makes you a psycho. Narc quotes.
*Dirty Little Secrets of the Controller*
1. Fearful/Insecure/Inadequate/Wobbly - 1:39
*Take Control of Yourself*
1. Operate with an Aware Mind - 3:52
2. Dont Get Pulled into Their Game - 5:20
3. Use Your Self Restraint as a Positioning of Influence in that Persons Life - 6:58
4. When Confronted in a Forceful Way, Demonstrate Willingness to Understand - 7:54
5. Set Stipulation/Boundary - 9:00
*The Key to Understand* - 9:52
Excellent points to remember😊
Hello I'm female from Australia and I'm learning a lot and learning to heal. Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of narcs , my father is in his 80's my mother has learned to live with it, but she is frail now.My fathers arguments are getting more obvious and irratoinal. It's torn our family apart. I learned a whole new way through books and my faith as to how to bring up my children. They are now in their 20's. Wasn't easy as a somehow married a narc which in dismay I had no idea. But I devoted my married life with children to be honourable and just, and guide them, with kindness the best I could, with Jesus as my teacher. Amen
Wow! What a great vid. I will watch this several times. Seems controllers like to push you to your edge. My controller told me I had to go with her to a medical procedure I don't agree with.(botox) When I said I wouldn't go, she felt I was trying to control her. I felt great when I told her "You can do whatever you want with your life, but not with mine" Kudos for me!👍👍👍
They seem to know exactly which buttons to push to draw you into an argument. I just refuse to go there because my words are never heard anyway.
They don't hear you because they don't respect you.
What do you do when the more calm you are the more angry they get? Thank you very much for sharing.
Serene Artist actually controller in most cases is calm or even cold as ice...
Seb Sebsky Thank you. Yes, I had seen that icy calm, but the person I used to deal with was someone I once stood up to and argued back. Once I stopped and saw it was non productive on my part I tried reasoning politely, but the other person went into a total rage at my attempt to not get angry. If I gave in, I was wrong, if I didn’t I was still a bad person. It’s an issue in my past now, but at one time it drove me to questioning my own sanity. I can’t even explain it to you because it was so utterly brain numbing. I was only 16 at the time and now two years later I’m still feared of becoming like the person who behaved like that. Is it genetic? I’m hoping not.
Seb Sebsky. Yes!!
So very true and sad. 😓
Serene, no it's not genetic. You were most likely dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists are not born that way, they are made that way either through parents who utterly spoiled them, putting them on a pedestal, or because of early emotional needs not been met in early childhood, abuse, physical or emotional - cold parenting etc. Narcs often get more upset the calmer you are. THEY feel that you are not giving them what they need: drama. They NEED that attention albeit negative. It makes them feel alive. YOU will never matter, ever. It is always about...them. Glad it's behind you.
Serene Artist the person you were dealing with was probably a malignant narcissist.
Yep - controllers are Very insecure
Everyone likes to feel that they are in control, but we all learn to compromise
Thank you! Yes they make me feel like You can’t do enough to please them . They are very very covert manipulators.
I learned to run fast.
Correct.This is the only answer.
I learned too late.
Blue Bird being there done that 😂😂😂still running
I am captured and live in captivity.
Lol 🤣🖖🌠
Does a controller ever realize there’s a whole world out there, getting along just fine without their control. That’s not said as sarcasm, I real wonder.
They also have SECRET addictions. They’ll tell they’re a private person when what they are really saying is IVE GOT A LOT OF SECRETS and you’ll never know where I really am. They also feel extremely uncomfortable around ppl like me. I’ve been in years of incest recovery and I am an open book. They can’t stand ppl like me because I expose everything to the point they just want to get away from me and I just go ghost. I’m done with this POS.
They dont tell you where they are at in life or what their plans are because it leaves all of their options open to change at the drop of a hat depending on what controlling opportunities come their way...keep them in the dark about your hopes dreams goals plans.
Best way to deal with them is give them no information about your plans.. Just talk about things that dont really affect you.. Weather / store sales /ect
I like your suggestion. What if it's your spouse and you both are making money and he wants to take charge of the money. how much should you ask for yourself> and how?
CalmStrongKind I would never let that happen ! Not ever !
CalmStrongKind ... I inherited money from my parents’ estate upon their passing away. It was split 50/50 between my brother & I. After 25 years of a sometime rocky marriage, I chose to NOT NOT... to co- mingle that money.
He was surprised to learn it, but GOT it.
Keep what you can... open up your own account & add to it whenever possible.
Call it your Cmas fund, mad money, vacation, or large expenses for home.
Just do it.
I'm feeling better and better living alone!!!!
That's control! 😂
How do you handle a controlling person who uses every trick to get you all wound up then they try to convince you that you are being controlling?
Thank you both - really good!
Avoid getting wound up...
It starts with "credibility"... Know that whatever "the controller" says, it's purely to hurt you, to "get a rise"... It means NOTHING.
Take the time to think, BEFORE you engage. If there's a reasonable response, then you can respond... REASONABLY. If you can't think of something less than barbarically morbid and disgusting to say, it's probably best to maintain poise and quiet.
Remember, they don't matter... At least, they don't HAVE TO.
Practice that much, and then occasionally employ those annoying "passive aggressive" tactics we're always hearing about. Ask things like "What the hell do you care? You're just going to do whatever you want anyway..." and BE dismissive.
The controller will eventually realize they have no means to control you. DO NOT let them influence you... shrug it off. Sooner or later, there's bound to be "lower hanging fruit" to pick on.
Just like with the vid'... Stipulate. "I can engage in conversation, but I do not tolerate liars and insults." Employ the "lines in the sand" and don't let someone walk over them. When they do that, disengage... drop them like a bad habit.
Learn to say, "Nope." ;o)
Grace Sage run!
Exactly what Dr Les is telling you here.
Use his technique until you have a safe escape plan in place because narcs never change. In my own experience they get worse with age.
@Kathleen Campbell
And whatever they accuse you of doing is something they are doing or thinking of doing.
I think the answer is to create self-empowerment and being secure in who you are so that others' opinions aren't seen as being so powerful an indicator of who you are. Otherwise, when we are weak, we use our habitual defenses-which is to either control or to feel helpless.
My question is how do you maintain control of emotions when the controlling person doesn’t get his way and says “you are stupid and mean.” It’s difficult to not be defensive.
If honest, self-aware communication doesn't work, you may want to sever ties. It hurts at first, but you could become a stronger person as a result. Why stay with that person who will continually batter you? Self-respect is key.
When you try to tell your 75 yr old mother a situation that happened, and the first words out of her mouth is almost always "you should" or "should've"!!!
Jennifer Durocher Every single time I tell mine anything. Lol. She is 71.
you 'should've' is way worse than 'you should'. the latter is possibly good advice, but the former is "get a time machine and..." that's not ever good advice. or advice at all. by grammatical function it's unhelpful.
This is one of my pet peeves with controllers. I have several in my family and no matter what I say it's always you should of done this or that. I could write a book on my experiences with this.
you should! you should've! lol!
You'll miss having that advice from her one day
I am so, so very happy to have found your channel. This is exactly what I need. It would be very useful for all schools to include social dynamics in conversation so that words can be used appropriately instead of destructively. What a marketable skill it is to talk, let yourself be heard and NOT mismanage other people in the process. (or to be mismanaged).
I see many people mention how this should be taught at school but I think the reason they don't dare to teach it is because some of the students will realise their parents are coercive and narcissistic
What’s laid out here is exactly right! Basic attitudinal security on the part of the recipient is essential! Wish I understood this years ago. I was such a dummy playing into the hands of my narcissist every single time! Better late than never. Thank you, Dr. Carter, for your voice of reason!
why do they try to pull your strings by saying something to keep you upset? I think my ex tryed to keep me upset to keep me off balance to see what he was really doing, so something I did to him I started treating him like he was 10 year old boy . he acted like one
I have found our silence emboldens the narcissist... you must attack back, if you just keep silent their attacks only get worse...
Raman D depends on how you do it... exposure is the key...
Nanny Tucker bull, you will never win,,, because the controller don't care how you feel. they care about controlling the situation.
I live with an unmarried narc sister 63 yrs. I hv had many problems with her .. she has no decency at all. I hv told her to leave me alone. No contact. She can't bear to be ignored.. but leaves me alone.
@Diva R I don't agree with some Narcs grey rock is the best with others you simply MUST stick up for yourself to survive.There is no one size fits all.Also depends on the situation what works best.I think we need wisdom and the power of the By Spirit to make these judgments.It should be noted that is is NOT wrong to stick up for ourselves when we are abused.It is our right as a child of God just as it would be if we were physically abused.We are not evil for protecting or saving ourselves!
they try to talk over you , like they are trying to shut your mouth up cause they dont want to hear what you feel , they just dont care . mines done that to me for 20 years . now i understand why i repeat myself lol you are so spot on! they dont care about what you want or your dreams ! amen!! you cant speak your feelings or speak your truth you have to speak what they want to hear . when you tell them well thats what i feel , then in comes the guilt trip your such a jerk cause you dont feel what i feel says the narc or controller. wow oh and the world is for them everyone loves them lol in their mind . my relationship with my ex was so tiring i was so depressed and disillusioned, it was hard to see my relationship as it really was its hard to see the truth. i started seeing what was really going on i wanted to heal . that was 18 years ago now i am still healing ive got my peace of mind back . thank you so much you have reallychanged my life and how i now see things in my current marriage, its helping deal with his control issues . god bless you
Karla Reeves I became this way over the course of two years with my ex because she’d ignore me, lie, and do other questionable things to a point where I wouldn’t let her speak because she would just lie or insult my intelligence. It made me a person I didn’t want to be from anger. I had to get away from that. Sometimes I think people only want to blame and not self reflect . Not saying that’s your story because I know people that treat their wives like crap for no reason
'I feel as this person has stolen my identity, I'm not allowed to be me....'-so true and sad.... Thank you,Dr.C. for all what you doing for us, for your help
Constantly jabbing at me - nit picking over little things... expressing a general air of dissatisfaction.
But it can be so stealthy and nebulous that you cant confront it.
Death by a thousand tiny cuts. Never ever yelling, but asking why this, why that - questioning everything with a slight distain.
Pessimistic.
Like nailing jello to a wall. Can this change? Can they change if they see it? Or do our boundaries just reign in the bad?
Laura Kakoschke this is why I’m getting out exactly. I sure can’t be my ever lovin self, that’s for sure.
Yes. The Why this. The Why that. It’s exhausting. Even if it’s something good. “Why don’t you do that more often?”
What about Narcissistic people? How do you propose handling them because they are a special kind of controlling individual; be they a parent, sibling, co-worker, Boss, spouse, etc. They range from engaging in bullying behaviors, to blaming others, to playing the victim role, to being passive-aggressive, etc. to being outright emotionally, physically, verbally abusive ( or any combination of the above) while often being pathological liars about almost everything including the most ridiculous things, just to be provocative. Thanks.
I had 13.yrs of.hell.from my ex. I've fought for 40.yrs.since,.and now it's making sense.
Dr. you are on point. Thank you for your help. You provide me with such comfort in understanding the difficult one in my life.
I think your videos are going to be life changing for me. Thank you. Thank you, thank you!
Many times I get the feeling, 'I just can't be me' around some people. That they don't really
want to know me, but want me to be like them.
my question is why do we have convince a narc. or controller , we matter or we arn't them we have different feeling ? are they trying to brainwash us into seeing reality in their eyes ? it feels like that . i've noticed mine trys to control me with anger and rages . such as if he cant find something then he get mad and yells and throws things till i get up without him asking and look for till i find what hes lost , is this a from of control? i just want him to shut up so i find what ever it is he lost . so now i make my self set and not react to his anger . i think that would be a good topic for your next video
Not going to step in the trap of empathizing with a controller.. Trying to understand their why is a set up for more of their mind games. No thank you.
Deal with the narcissist by leaving asap. Took me 15 years, married 13 this coming month 😵. 5 months no contact still feels like yesterday.
I like this whole idea. I’ve been so saturated with the word narcissist. It’s time to rephrase that. I think that when I use the word narcissist or think about a narcissist, I feel like a victim. Right now it’s time to be proactive. Love you Dr. C
Sir,I hear you loud and clear!Appreciate all of your counsel.
When I stand up for myself, my sister automatically will assume that I am drinking. I have been sober for almost four years mind you. She is in her 70s and I am in my 50s so we are not kids.
Sorry to hear that. Sounds typical for a narcissist, though, to use your past mistakes as a means of dismissal in the present. Don't take the bait. Best of luck!
What a b. Be proud of yourself.
Next time she say that to you and you obviously know you didn't. Why should you participate? It's so clear she is pushing your button. Perhaps you need to prepare if you need to answer her? Just an example what I would do. Just walk away. Don't worry what she thinks. She is not listening to your whatever answer. She need some sound from you to take the next step. They can't function without a reason. My ex would ask which color I like to paint the wall. When I say green. She tells me she hates it. Then why ask? She don't care what I like just something to throw back at me. Hahaha get the idea
Rikavari my mother and my sister do that too. I've learned to laugh and say that I don't have a problem with alcohol, I have a problem with people who behave like assholes. LOL!
@@ladymaiden2308 hahahaha I would have done the same. Lol
I recently realized I am more controlling and it is because of fears and insecurities. As I have been trying to not push these feelings on other people I have instead become avoidant in these moments. I’m trying hard to find a middle ground where I meet my own needs first, ask for what I need, explain what I want, and compromise in all of it. But I’m not really sure how to do that.
Thanks for these comments. Self awareness is the beginning of change. The question of how to change is too large to answer here, but the best tool you can carry with you is an inquisitive mind. Stay on top of podcasts, books, counseling etc. I suspect your efforts will pay off!
One of the first books I read was The Power of Positive Thinking. I was so negative and over powering that everyone was miserable. Alanon is very good too. Learned so much about myself. That I was a good person, just wasn't given the right information growing up.
@niecersYou will never know peace with a narc. Ooops, time for a toddler rage.
Wow...what a concept....i want you to make me happy and feel good!
you are amazing, diplomatic to the point and full of on q relevance. thank You for helping me find me again .How to respond and set boundaries and stipulations with dignity and integrity.Thank You so Much.
Thank you Dr Carter, your videos are by far the most informative and useful ones I’ve seen on the subjects of manipulators, controllers, and narcissists. My humble 2 cents after 17 years in a marriage with all the above is that unless there’s any self awareness or intention to gain it on their part it is literally impossible to expect anything to change. Then all u can do is walk away, as hard as it might be, for your own sake. Its what I did, and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
What happens when you are dealing with a narcissistic person who is also an alcoholic?
Attend Al Anon. Best thing you could do for your sanity.
Connie Weisman run
Connie Weisman Leave and never look back.
Alanon is excellent advice. My advice is to stay in it til that 3rd month. There's something magical that happens to you and you'll never regret it. I'll also say that its a good program for anyone. It teaches you how to focus on yourself and how to deal with adversity. How to be a sane person in a crazy world.
From experience, run and go no contact.
I see it all the time, cause as an empath it is easy to feel their feelings, but that insecurity we see, is what we try to heal.
Yes, and that is the trap.
What the heck.. How can anyone try to empathize with a narc /controller?!
That is an ultimate set up/ trap!
So you are enabeling them with real nice supply..feeding that poor hungry cruel ego to come up again...and then someone has to suffer...
YOU cannot heal a controller! Your nice empath self has gotten caught up in an ego trap. DO NOT think you can heal a controller; you can’t. I’m an empath too, and my mother was the controller. There’s a very long story there I won’t go into, but please learn this, Malusa-you can help them a little, but the healing is a far bigger job than you can do. It also takes the controller wanting to change (good luck with that!), by first admitting to themselves that that’s what’s going on: they control because they’re dreadfully insecure, and controlling everything and everyone around them is the only way they’ll feel safe. Plus, it never works long-term. Life always throws new, uncontrollable monkey wrenches at the controller. They have to get to the core of their insecurity. They probably need a good counselor to help heal those emotional wounds.
Why on earth would you want to "heal" a sick person who is abusing you?
Are you sure you are not sick yourself . . .?
I feel like I need to pay for this knowledge.
then you ate still with a controller?
Listen if someone is controlling your finances how do you leave?
thank you for all your info! I just found your page tonight , I am looking into getting your books . thank you so much I was starting to feel i was going nuts .
Every video Dr. Carter... every video...
Wife... You don’t make me feel loved
You don’t make me feel cared for
You don’t make me feel valuable
You don’t make me feel etc....
Me... I cannot make you feel anything... I can however try to meet your needs as best as possible....
Wife... you don’t even meet my needs a majority of the time
Me.... what do you need at this moment????
Wife... it doesn’t count if I have to tell you...
Me... 🤯
You are valuable dear sir. Never forget that...
Thank you for this insight. I do have a patient who has all sorts of issues. What ought to be a slightly different outlook and approach, when manipulators are patients?
Drop that person asap. Dont bother trying to understand anything. Leave them behind and go live a fulfilling life, your time and life is valuable. Dont waste it on these pieces of garbage. Learn to let go, or blame no one but yourself.
Questions ( as requested):
What do you recommend for dealing with a Narcissistic spouse when they make verbal threats ( ie. abandonment, stop paying the bills, withhold sex, divorce, etc.) as a way to control the conversation and attempt to control the spouse?
How does one deal with the hypocrisy of a Narcissist spouse when they demand complete control over their own life (even when it impacts their family), but expect you to do whatever they decide you should be doing?
Sounds like he will eventually divorce you, so you file for divorce and be the ‘plaintiff’, you will never win being the ‘defendant’. Get the most expensive lawyer you can afford, call in monetary favors if you have to. The judicial system is tainted but you will need the upper hand. Lastly, don’t get married again.
Thanks for this amazing messages 💕💖💕💖💕👑
After 40 years of marriage and his affair he says to me stay out of my business. How do I handle this? Talking to him is always a question answer period leaving me upset and alone.
Enough disrespect.. Hire a lawyer with narc experience and leave quietly
Lol.
You are wonderful thank you for your help
Thank you !!!
What about a crazy making covert narcissist?
So sorry I married one and found out the hard way. Brain fog, trauma bonded and confused. Just supply.
Yes, the calm in your voice is SO important!
This has brought me so much peace and insight. Thank you
When they call you Stupid, perhaps it’s time to leave them with their problems. Leave the relationship, period
They can wear you down, or else they will cheat to get you back.
Let's just say that the deeper a person goes into the controlling pattern, the more they demonstrate narcissistic traits, making the relationship more and more difficult to maintain. I understand your sentiments.
When Dr Wayne Dyer passed away I thought I would never have another mentor but moi was wrong , Thank U Dr C !
The controller's dirty little secret:
How to respond to the controllers in your life.
1. Characteristics of a controller: forceful, overbearing, judgemental, stubborn, can go into withdrawal. Also: fearful, insecure, inadequate, wobbly.
Deep down inside they are very insecure individuals. In their overt communication they seem very secure, covertly they are trying to put you in their mold.
They act like a bully until you conform.
What to do:
1. Operate with an aware mind when you are with them. Recognise they are insicure, have a backstory. They were told what to do, or have a rigid system. They need dogmatic opinions because it makes them feel secure. They don't trust others, and not themselves.
2. Don't get pulled into their way. If they argue, you feel like arguing back, being stubborn, being defensive. Decide to not be defensive. Explain max 1 time. Then say you don't have anything new to say.
3. Use your self-restraint as your own sense of leadership in life. Maintain calm, keep a level headedness. Retain a sense of decency. Let them have their temper tantrum, show some understanding. You can set a boundary. (I am going to end my participation here. I will not do that project with you.) Don't become as unhealthy as them. Don't go into counter-control mode. This way you will remain a controlled person.
I wanted to know . How do I deal with a sister that keeps smearing my name. Keeps telling I'm the black sheep of the family making me feel guilty and shameful. Holds information never talks to me or makes me part of the family. Puts my nephews against me tells them lies that we dont get along. As soon as I get close to my cousins and we go out she gets into the picture and all of sudden they disappear. I ask myself why we left off with hugs and kisses. The thing is right now she says that we will only see eachother 1 a year she doesn't call anymore because. I simply asked her why she lies to my nephews that we always argue now she cries with no tears and plays victim. She crushes her husband whom is a hard working man she says stuff like my in laws are begging me not to leave him. The only thing she keeps doing is telling my cousins that is me and not her. She says that her husband is starting to lose his mind . He is a successful business man . She says he has memories loss. They even went to a marriage council and the therapist told her to stop talking for her husband . She has 2 children one of them she keeps putting him down. The other one is identical to her but also goes nuts when things dont go his way . I have accepted all of this but my folks are from an old generation of Italian and they keep saying she probably has problems with her husband. So we heard this for years why doesn't she walk sway.
When You Pray for that person's Salvation....that's when Their demons go hey wire. Just keep Praying for them. The Devil will come out of them eventually. Stay vigilant
Every time I pray his secrets come out
I agree. Even though many in the psychology field do not get 'prayer' it is a way to make mountains move and great changes happen. Having said that, be aware that the demons get even stronger, thus more vigilant prayer is needed. It is truly a spiritual problem solved with prayer. Prayer works through energy and that energy can heal. Do also be aware that this 'demon' is bigger and stronger than we are so prayer from a group is even more effective.
Prayer worked for me. Never give up.
Nola Susan: Psychologists believe in God for the most part. Physicians do also. I am a physician and most feel they are helping God's people Putting down science is putting down one of God's great creations, science. God bless you and remember Luke in the Bible was a physician.
Emelia Bailey, It’s wise and helpful to first ask the person, “May we pray for you?”, that statement helps them to be receptive and not feel invaded. It helps put mind and body connected.
For me controler our EMPTY VOID and INSECURE for sure. All your video are so amazing and helpful God bless you.
I wish I'd found you a couple of years ago when I had finally had enough of my sister. We have not spoken for 3 years & of course it is all my fault, she told me that I'm mentally unstable. Is there anything I can do to repair our relationship?
Fuck it in the fuck-it bucket.
Just walk away ..stay away..its not worth the unnecessary pain to you.She wont change if she thinks YOU ARE the problem !!
After 30 years of dealing with my controller. I feel like I’m now giving them a taste of their own medicine. They absolutely do not like this. I know I should not do this as the resentment of taking their crap and losing my self over 3 decades has built up. I just need to leave but like in another video, I still have obligations and my own crap to accomplish. Like making a life for myself even though I’m feeling stuck
What if you ask them to clarify what they mean, and they can’t/won’t, they just get angry, tell you you’re harassing them, and that (I) should go away?
She is very controlling in everything with our kids. Very controlling over me I feel like red head step child . Also a narcissistic person. I am very drained almost to the point I will start drinking again but I don’t it’s very hard sometimes. I suffer from PSTD on top of it . I need help
My partner works away his actions make me feel alone! When I tell him I am not drinking the next day he doesn’t call me! Then I think he is hurting me intentionally then I spend all day feeling hurt! Before he called me through out the day! Now he makes my mental torture! I know he is the N word! I thought he was my saviour! I want happy I still love him!
They are often religious and lead a double life....!!!! Creepy....lol...
Religious ppl are the worst. Very fake, and tend to hide behind their religious shield.
@@tranquility9325 ... Yes, they do. They believe their own BS and get mad with fake tears when you call them on it.
@@JSmedic1 oh yes, very dramatic and phony
Hello I didn't even pay attention you are a PhD. And a gentle soul. I'm not queer or anything. For a doctor to speak up here is awesome. I don't know if I descended into the pit but sometimes I'm as mad as hell because the confusion my son goes through after his routine is disrupted. ( I had my special needs boy almost every weekend. He's clever though. He seems the only one to get through to her. The worst we started talking in sync and he would touch the top of my hand for yes and no. That's the last I ever saw of him. I went no contact for me this will be the last I mention the ex narc. No airtime ( supply) . 👍🙏
My ex friend insulted and bossed me around for 3 hours returning from holiday...and now she doesn't understand why we are no longer friends...!!?? Is she really that oblivious.??!!!
Yes, she is.
Will the workshops be in 2019? This was a GREAT video! How do you deal with the insecure controller who throws ALL their arsenal at you that they can think of and, when they find it doesn’t work, they go into silent, non communication mode...a serious lack of maturity when they don’t get their way??
This is spot on! Thank you doctor! I've learned a great deal of this as a community counselor. Very valuable words you speak!!
Usually I remain calm and centered because I've spent my life working with horses. With my stallion especially, things can spiral out of control in a split second if I can't even manage myself. It's hard to explain, but the calm has to come from your center or the horse will perceive that it's not legitimate. If you must deal with a narcissist you need to bring that same deep inner quiet and certainty into play.
I’ve learned that they get off on your losing control. Don’t spar with them, it throws them off.
@@momgrandma5496 They thrive on getting you to react and you've lost the moment you do. They don't know how to deal with a genuine quiet and balanced centeredness.
How to take the control from a
controller in family situation..
she is messing everybodies life..
being the eldest and all
This is the best, most kind, and Christian ideal advice. Many thanks. Not all of us can take on the calling to mentor troubled people as this in a continuing relationship, especially since we also need reciprocal friendship ourselves. Maybe one controller to work on for us common folk is enough work in life. It is exhausting and can affect our health, sleep, blood pressure.
David Postma My health has been affected by a narc - losing sleep nightly, constant worry, etc. etc. due to situation. I am just discovering myself to be a victim of a narc son and that I am an empath and an easy target. I am studying hard on this to find the best way to end the abuse. Fortunately we live in different states, so I don’t see him much, just lots of emails, calls, etc. everything I am hearing and reading on the subject describes my situation perfectly. Now to find the best way to stop it all. I am determined and will follow through once I study the best way to do it. So thankful for these videos.
Glenda Correll . One common failure the good folks are guilty of is the failure to realize that the Narc lives in an alternate reality. There is no abiding principle nor ethic where they possess their life. This lack of principle is how I realized my mother had the problem. I must see myself and others who suffer harm and upset from these disturbed and broken people as worthy to have a good life without needless damage. I have had to withdraw from my mother for self preservation.
I have been “thrown under the bus” too many times by a Mom who would desire to destroy me to elevate her sense of superiority. My new response is “No more!” Whatever it takes. No more. Sentiment for sick and harmful relatives must go on the altar of sacrifice for now.
Yes is true! When I said “let’s talk together with a counselor cause seems we don’t understand each other and we have frustrations- defensive etc”
Oh well, I got an angry message back and got blocked. When I tried to explain in an email what and why, I got a complete different subject (blame shifting). Exhausting, unfortunately I got caught up in her game, so I reacted along with defensive and emotions but this was after trying to make sense kept my calm and trying to keep the conversation about the subject I was talking about and not about she was talking about (because she wanted to show like she wrote “you aren’t a saint either” ) she never said anything about the issue/subject about today, but instead took all out of the closet (past) to show me I am not a saint 😕 It doesn’t work, you cannot talk common sense with these individuals, it only gives you negative emotions so you react like they want, they don’t want to solve anything they want to throw all to you so they don’t have to look at themselves and the issue of today because that means is taking responsibility for own behavior.
I find this difficult because I see elements of my own insecurities...I have not just a Controller in my house, I have one in my head! At the moment I am trying to avoid other people or rather the wrong type of people.
How can I illustrate part of the situations I regularly encounter? Well try this one...take a person who is paranoid and put them into a group of other paranoid people with nothing to bring their perspectives in line with reality or to regulate them...well is enhanced and heightened states of paranoid a possible result?
I am wondering the next time I am cornered by someone repeatedly moaning about other people what is the most effect and best ways to deal with stuff like that?
I thought I may try...'We are all flawed and the World is unfair!', unfortunately I know it won't work on those who make it their life's vocation to be miserable.
'Hello!' to Gus as well as yourself.
all good points and so appreciate your vids.
just wanna say, it gets really old, and tiring, to be in a relationship where everything you do has to be pre run thru the little "psychiatrist w/in your own brain" on how to have a conversation or relationship w/these critters.
#1. The "what?" after everytime I speak!! I do not like repeating myself! A bad habit? A button to push? #2. "Why?" The narc asks a question. Then I answer. Here come the 'why?' Give it up already! 3yr old mentality in an adult person??!! Thanks.😉👍♥️
1. Aware mind (controllers had something in the Past, that they couldn't speak with normal tone)
They learned not to trust themeslves
2. Don't get pulled in their game
I feel no need to defend of this person
3. Use restraint for your own leadership and influence in that person's life
!!! DEMOnstrate a willingness to understand them (they don't expect It). Be calm.
3. Set Stipulation and boundaries
4.
I have done that. Tried to explain once if I could get it out before he interrupts. Then if I can talk & he disagrees, I just say believe what you want but my mind knows what it knows.
That's why I end up feeling sorry for them, I know a lot of it is insecurity
3:28
That person stole my identity - I'm not allowed to be me around that person and I hate the way I act.
6:00 do you feel like you've got to convince them? You don't need their permission to be right.
My mother tried picking fights with me for as long as I can remember. As an older teenager I finally learned to stay silent and let her rant and rave until she burned herself out and walked away. But she found other ways to hurt me, so... that tactic may or may not be helpful, depending on the controller.
Sorry, I don't hold with the Blood thicker than water tripe !! Who wants to get bitten by the same dog repeatedly. No one has to suffer life long crap just because they are 'family ' !!!
Coming in contact with this kind of people leads us to huge regrets for life. We just pray to GOD that keep these kind of people away from us.
My brother is winning at the game of Control and power over me. With all respect Dr. .... My brother has hired a lawyer to go after me for jointly owned property. My lawyer seems to be acquiescing to my brother and his lawyer. I'm left feeling powerless once again, and made a fool of. In letters from my brothers lawyer it had been said that I made my brother very angry....
Everything you are talking here is what. I need. you are wonderful , thanks.
Thank you for this I’ve been praying for a way to deal with my narcissistic husband for awhile n this is very helpful. I’m emotionally detaching from him so I can stay sane but this helps bunches. Also when he’s screaming st me as he does every weekend now I’m walking away from him. I don’t have to put up with that from anybody even if it’s my spouse. Thank you again Dr. Carter
When he screams at you leave.Go for ice cream or to the lake or to the library You have the right to protect yourself emotionally.
where can I view the Free to Be Program. I do not see it available on your website
What do i say when HE decides what my disability isn't a thing even though the federal government says you are and cuts off the money he agreed to cover that moneys youve lost from SSD for the marriage
Divorce
There is so much focus on identifying the narcissist, escaping from him/her, avoiding, etc. - how do we know if WE are narcissists? It's easy to point fingers, but I'm sure I have hurt people in my life - in fact, I'm sure I've hurt the narcissist in my life. How do I know if I'm not also a narcissist?