The #1 Word A Narcissist Absolutely Cannot Stand
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 ก.ค. 2024
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By definition, narcissists are rather enamored with themselves and they presume that you should be too. But what if you are not, and what if you choose not to play by their rules? Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter identifies the #1 word that drives narcissists crazy as you indicate that they are not in charge of you.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
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When the Devil can't get to you he sends a Narcissist.
Ha ha I love that!👍🏼
Lol, true.
I guess he thought with me he had his work cut out for him! Both my mother and my husband are narcs. I swear they mirror each other.
A good one!
Crystal, I was gonna say “good one” I see someone already has. Lol . That gave me such a chuckle I’ll say it again. Good one.
Best way to deal with a narcissist. NO CONTACT
Hard when the narcissist is a family member.
Rex Torres . No denying that. However, it’ll be more damaging to you. My only regret, I should have done it sooner . And it was a family member. A mother. Get as educated on it as you can. Take care of yourself my friend.
Well said
Hard to ignore or no contact when the abusive narcissists is your daughter!
not always possible....if the narc is a co-worker that you have to team work with , you're in for a hellish ride.....
Narcissists don't like to be called out for what they truly are, *narcissists.*
They hate the word "no" a whole lot more than they hate "whatever" in my opinion. When you respond with a no and they know that you really mean no, they'll rage out on you because their bullying tactics didn't get them what they wanted. 😊
I think the point of "whatever" is to confuse them enough to prevent the rage.
@@IamNeo954I think you’re right. If you give no reaction, no emotion to their bs, the narc gets no joy.
I agree.
I feel like no gives them something to rage about, but saying whatever gives them nothing to rage about AND they are not right. It is you are not playing the game by their rules
Is it just me or do narcs seem like making other people miserable makes them happy?
No it's not you.... when your heart can be breaking and you're crying in front of them and they stare at you like a booger that they would like to flick off out of their existence it's very apparent that they like hurting you and making you miserable it gives them power only when it no longer makes you give a sh.... That bothers some of them but even that doesn't bother mine.
Oh they love it... it's sick and it's evil....
YES!!!!
When I’m happy he takes the credit “ I love it when I make u happy , I do everything for u “ but then in a matter of minutes is telling me how I don’t love him or care all cause I offered to go the store without him or something like that .. when he says those things about doing everything me and taking care of his family I know it’s coming I know it’s a set up
My ex loved to see me in dispare. I realized he had a smirk in his face when I was crying for him totally disrespecting me...he loves to make me miserable when I'm happy. Swoops n starts hovering..
Why did the narc cross the road? He/she thought it was a boundary. 🤦♀️
That’s a good one!
😂😂😂😂🤣🤣
🤣😭😂
...to get to his/her other side.
baaaaa haaaaa 😂👍
“Boundaries” is a definite trigger word for the narcissist.
Absolutely! My therapist gave me an example of how to disengage with a narcissist. It's like a game of tug of war initiated by the narcissist. They set the boundary and throws you the other end of the rope. If you pick up the other end of the rope you have engaged in their desired war. So, don't pick up the other end of the rope, leave it on the ground. Look at them straight in the eye, don't say a word then turn around and walk away.
Your therapist and I are on the same page.
This is the tactic that has worked for me. 👍🏻
@@SurvivingNarcissism Dr. C, you know this is where I'm at right now. You have responded to me with helpful tools. The more I grey rock the worse it becomes. I'm just going to keep moving!!!
@@PastelBrushes-n-Donuts Lord knows, this is where I'm at with my mom. I'm trying!!!! This lady right here, I believe she trains narcissistic people. She is wizard of them all.
Yes, we have to realize we don’t have to hang around when the narc starts throwing insults or innuendos. We can, and should, just choose to leave their presence.
My grandmother used to say in Spanish, “Argue with a fool, then there are two fools.” 🤔😜
Why is it? That grandparents always have the wisdom that the young need? Lol
Thats a really good saying.
I love this. I'm stealing.😂
Your grandmother was a wise one lmao
@@ecasey91 You are absolutely right. VA BENE.
The word they can't bear to hear is "no" but the word they can not utter is "sorry".
Garden gate. I'm sorry you feel that way
@@spiderok8663 Good one.
This would be the same idea I had...covert narc wife will never accept a "no".
Yep, for sure!!
They are masters in faking this word "sorry", knowing that they will keep on repeating this game forever.
I actually think that "whatever" is a dangerous comment to use on a narcissist it is also a favorite word that narcissists use. It is extremely passive aggressive which is why it is the verbal fighting tool of so many teenagers trying to get under their parents skin. This word will provoke many narcissists. I think a safer word is "OK." You can't win against a narcissist EVER- all you can do is create some space to either move on or move out. I also think that habitually using passive aggressive narcissistic statements yourself, actually starts to change and damage your own psyche.
The narc I had dealt with that opened my eyes to narcissism, "whatever" would have been used as permission or the A-ok by his hyper enabling mother. Sometimes No is the right answer.
I respectfully disagree, the response of “ok” seems much more sarcastic or surrendering. I see “whatever” more as an indifferent reaction. Not surrendering your position to theirs but also not asserting your own. I think clearly no engagement at all is the BEST option but that’s not always possible. I hope I explained this well?
Maybe no reply at all. Just walk away. I found that a silent look spoke volumes to me when I said something stupid.
I agree my ex said it was another word for f-u and it kinda fueled him.
you can win against a Narc. You sound scared and timid. They are extremely weak minded people. They have a mask they fake makes the strong. when they are exposed their weakness shine so bright.
Metaphor: The bar's closed..no more drinks being served! PRICELESS 💚
The narcissist will either play the victim or the hero, never the villain.
Truth hurts for some people more than others...
@@nopedone6530 Truth hurts Bad people.
Lies hurt Good people.
They do both of those they fuck up your life and then pretend their “innocent” to be the “hero” to come “save the day.”
🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I know one that plays all of those according to the need at the moment
This whole time I thought he was explaining the comment section of TH-cam and then I saw the title.
Finally breaking away from a narcissist feels like being let out of prison.
Well said
Keep running Vickie! It took me 6 years and multiple attempts to get out--but I've really done it this time. Have accepted that it will never work & it's been 8 months and I can't tell you how much lighter I feel; I can think clearly again; and I'm ME again!! Best of luck to you and to all of us!
@@marykirsten7773 Enjoy your life now, nothing can compare with FREEDOM.
It feels like "Freedom at last."
Yes exactly
"I have my own life to live." " I am not gonna do it at the expense of my self - respect" "I have better things to do with my life." Thank you for validating my feelings. The first two sentences were the exact words I said few months ago to my narcist Dad.
agree- makes me feel better too- their stupid childish behavior is exhausting
With my mother, it was the word NO. I've got a good story about her flying into a rage. I thought she was going to kill me. This is a long story, however, so I'll have to write it down some other time. It was definitely one of my finer moments in life, standing up to her. 😊😊😊
The problem is, "No" engages you with the narcissist and their games. "I am saying NO to what YOU are saying"... Whereas the best approach with a narcissist is to DISengage from them..."I am not responding in any way to what you are saying."
You can't fix them with love. You just end up being abused if you try
Absolutely true!!!!
I wish i knew that 30 years ago
100%👌🏼
Sad really, cause love is meant to fix everything. I think they're aliens..
Narcissism is learned as a child from a parent who is narcissistic themselves....now we call them entitled. It is a personality disorder and until they decide they want to be different there is nothing you can do but find a balance where you get what you need once in a while or begin to get them used to hearing No with a logical reason why that NO is never going to change.
-- When i discovered "whatever" worked to shut down an arguement it became ny favorite word, and my emotional/mental shield.
Q: What should you do with a narcissist?
A: Walk away. Don't say 'sorry'. Don't say anything.
. Just walk away.
. Get on with your life. You'll be better off.
john hanrahan that’s really good advice.
john hanrahan right?! Any interaction is a lose lose situation. It’s pointless and waste valuable energy that could be used elsewhere.
Celebrate when they've moved on to someone else, because they will experience all the crap you went through but you don't have to deal with it any longer!
Last time I tried to walk away from my brother when he was talking, he gave me a black eye.
William Shaw I’m sorry to hear that. That’s really unacceptable. Stay away from him as much as you can.
"Whatever" is a good thing to say. The narc I have to deal with only wants the fight. They WANT the argument. Took me a long time to figure it out. They want the turmoil and the argument, I won't give them what they want.
What they really want is the attention and interaction because it fuels their importance.
I recently realized this too...Took me years because I couldn't imagine anyone wanting this, but they do.
I think it's because it's a distraction from the unease in themselves, any kind of distraction is better than dealing with what's going on in them.
Exactly.
The phrase that drives the narcissist in my life crazy is "we'll just have to agree to disagree..." SHE GOES BALLISTIC!
OMG, I was about to make that exact same comment!!!! Yes, yes, so very true!
Same. My ex at the time stopped talking to me for two days cause I said this one day 😂
I noticed they like to cause problems/drama where there really isnt any....sick !
Totally ALL the time phew it’s exhausting!!
Agreed 100%%
yep, cause problems out of nothing.
Absolutely there are toxic number one ☝️
Yes i knew someone like that. It really drains you
A narcissist is like a four year old that never grows up!!!
Now your talking and so right about that 100 percent
Yes only today I got the answer thank you thank I always said why can he not think that or should say that but I give up like u said it will be the same mind for ever I need stay way I gess I can grow fine learn from my mistakes I am the normal he isn't thank you for short but very strong answer I have been looking for
That's bc they are emotionally disabled. It is the emotions of a 4vyr old. For real
I have seen some pretty kind, 'mature' and 'wise' four years olds that would give you their favourite Teddy Bear and a hug if they saw you upset.
Narcissists only care about themselves and what they want! No care for anyone else unless they are getting something out of it.
On the TV show Full House, Kimmy Gibbler had a boyfriend Duane; all he’d ever said was the word whatever.
In my experience, the narcissists in my life have had a dangerous tendency to fly off the handle. I instinctively learned the gray rock technique as a child (I had no word for it, but I did it by the time I was 8, and I think it saved me a tremendous amount of misery - I love the idea of "gray rock" in the sense of not reacting, but disappearing to play or read quietly alone ("I've got homework.") at the first sign of contention/attack. If you are actually advocating that someone should say "Whatever", I would like to point out that if it's the one word they can't stand it's quite likely to provoke an angry and possibly dangerous reaction. Gray rocks do NOT say "whatever". Thinking "whatever" is a good thing because it's telling themselves that they must not give in to the provocation and must not validate in their own minds the nasty things the narcissist is saying about them. "I am a rock, I am an island" got me through childhood, though the song wasn't written until I was older. Also, I was lucky enough to know some teachers, aunts and friend's mothers, who were consistently kinder and more nurturing than my own, and they provided hope and role models. I wish there had been some way to thank those good people. No kindness is wasted on a child.
I love your insight. My younger sister is the explosive antagonistic narcissist. We are sharing caregiver responsibilities for our parents. After being falsy accussed & attacked since childhood, I can't take it anymore. Actually verbalizing" whatever" could evoke physical violence. I am finally starting to mentally " whatever" her. Texting only pertinent info regarding our parents & on the days when we switch shifts, I stay in my car, walk around the yard, whatever, hee hee to avoid any unnecessary convo. Looking forward to the day when the anxiety & nervousness ceases on " switch day"
Agreed, “whatever” is feeding supply and giving the narcissists an excuse to react. Keep it internal!
My sister had a bar of soap shoved past her teeth to choke on in response to sass. Her bedroom door was bashed open, and she was attacked and beaten back onto her bed, as I ran screaming, in response to sass.
Do Not Taunt your narcissist! I learned through my sister’s suffering and crushed rebellion that “whatever” does NOT help!
@@humblejunks 😅
Thats why i have a poker face till this day lmao
Your comment is precious. If i could upvote it more
I went no contact cold turkey with my narcissistic mother. The messages she sent me in the aftermath were scary from a pathological viewpoint. She herself almost went mad from me not answering her at all and is not doing well now. She has burnt all bridges and only has a dysfunctional relationship with her narcissistic daughter (whom I also cut out of my life). I have never looked back and am much more happy. Thank you for sharing this, dr.
Same, but I'm the mom, and I cut off my soon to be ex narcissist spouse, and our narcissist son, and what a relief it's all been.
Exsctly like my adult daughter..nasty messages I've saved she twists everything back onto me.
Mother is the same and brother..thankfully my sister is close to me...
Good for you. Don't ever feel guilty.
I did the same with my mother and sister... my mother really had a problem with this, I've not had contact for years, it's a relief.
I'm glad that you decided to choose you. I know that wasn't easy for you but necessary. Bravo and kudos to you and yours in JESUS' NAME. AMEN.
A Narcissist is just another way of saying Arrogant, Argumentative, Pain in the Ass, that never runs out of Negative Energy!
Yup had a friend for 10 years that was a narcissistic gas lighter. The guy was like a tick sucking your blood.
Emotional immaturity. Though their physical body grows into that of an adult, their brains do not. It's at this level of emotional immaturity that the narc gets stuck and, from my experience, he or she, can not get passed it. It's a little like putting an 8 yo inside the body of a 40 yo. It just never seems right.
It's far more than that. Argumentative, pain in the ass, etc can describe almost anyone at one time or another. A narc on the other hand is cruel calculating, vindictive, threatening, he's a lifelong conman, a thief, a liar and he is all these things on a level unimaginable unless you're a pawn in his game.
@@Paul-gf9fc same here
Pain in the ass, yes; describes them best... And, also "human glue"...
They hate being called a liar. Like really really hate it.
N D that’s EXACTLY why they hate it too. I’m sorry your dealing with this
Ohhhh yes.
I called him OUT two weeks ago he had a a tantrum threatened me and blocked me “for good.”
Lol 😂
No one likes being called a liar. 🌱
Laurie Paris especially not a narcissist!!!!!!!!!!
Laurie Paris of course not but the difference is A non-narcissist or a person who is not trying to hide anything is not going to get so irate they become violent or even verbally or emotionally abusive. Annoyed and hurt? Even vent about it? Yes As an example of what I’m talking about, I was living with my narcissistic grandmother in law due to financial reasons. When I had my daughter she would go in the bedroom when I’m at work , She would clean everything, It was an excuse to go through my documents because my private mail was organized in categories that they had to be read to know what’s it’s about. (Mainly it was court dates and hospital dates of trauma that I’ve been through, I assume was to get information on me to try to manipulate me more, or if something happens I will look “crazy”) When she was doing that she also washed one of my daughters toys That had batteries in it and broke it. Even though I felt like my own privacy was being invaded, I was in her home so therefore I didn’t say anything but I did mention the toy. It was a glowworm. it was a toy that my daughter would listen to to fall asleep as a baby. For some reason she refused to sleep without it. I asked her hey did you wash that toy it’s broken? (Think asking would be better than straight up accusing even she did) Soon as I ask that she immediately got mad at me and told me that she was looking for a different toy. I told her remember we talked about this. you know that toy(some ball with bells in it) was over at my grandmothers house . because a week before this happened we had a conversation about it because it’s something that they bought for her and wanted to know where it was at. Which is fine I explained how every time my grandmother would watch her she keeps everything I send over there. She asked me well technically she yelled it but she asked “are you calling me a liar?” I said well you’re not telling the truth. She got so irate she starts screaming saying when I leave to go to work today do not ever come back. She kicked me out, she kicked out my then five-month-old, and obviously my husband. All because I said you’re not telling the truth. Over a toy. Then proceeded to tell everyone that we decided to move out even though we had nowhere to go. Knowing my own grandmother situation and knowing I have no one else. That is what I mean by they don’t like being called a liar. Anytime you disagree with her it was you’re too stupid to understand simple blah blah blah. That is not a normal reaction even if you’re wrongfully accused of lying. As I was when I came out with the truth and You’re right I didn’t like it and it did hurt. It was hard to let people say what they said But the main thing is how narcissists reacts to being called a liar and that’s what’s important.
My husband died last night. I feel so weird. Free, happy to get to heal now, sad, grieving his presence even?! I know I will go through the grieving process, been there many times in my 60 years but never with a love hate relationship person. I'm watching Dr. Les over and over! really helping
I hope you find peace, Michele.
Michele. "It's A New Day".
☮️✊
If you don't control your life others will control your life. It all starts by knowing what matters in a relationship: mutual respect.
"Whatever" isn't as strong as the one and only word that works: "Bye"
Agreed 👍
No!!!!
He called me crazy and have mental health issues because his hoovering wasn't working so I replied "Bye Felicia" and blocked him. I can see him now googling what this means 😁
😂❤️👍
@@rachp5176 I'm from behind the times retrograde country, so I think, that name Felix much more suitable for man than Felicia.
What does a narcissist want most in life? Answer: To be a fussy baby their whole life and never grow up.
Fussy baby? You are being way too nice.
A Ungar LOL! Not really. Bcuz a grown fussy baby is hell on wheels!
lmao true. To never take accountability for their actions, it's always someone or something else's fault
BC 12 Oh God yes and mine was a 74 year old Elvis impersonator, after a year and a half I am finally done! Loved attention and total control, all about him. He knew it all, I knew nothing!
BC 12 My mom is a 53 year old child. I can't wait to escape.
When a narcissist picks at you,
Always ask them "what's wrong with that?"
Whatever they say, you respond,
"I'm perfectly ok with the way I am. "
"I'm not concerned with what people think about me. "
"I very much enjoy who I am. "
"I'm not going to worry about what people think about those things you mentioned. "
For you females out there dealing with a abusive male narcissist, if you have to, go to a homeless shelter to get away from him.
Grow from the ashes, just get the hell out of there.
I wish I had read this before I left--it's a thing of beauty!
Yeah when you got a man that's supporting you and asking you for the things that make a relationship you should bail and go to a homeless shelter.
Ran to my sister. I had a good friend who saw it way before I did, and she always told me, "I'm here if you need me." I went to her first. He had managed to get me to cut off from my family completely.
I have done that my dad will just rage with "you shouldn't be okay with who you are, you are so selfish, you don't even see it".
I own my house and have dogs. It not easy to just leave.. I want him gone !!! I wish I could leave my home and him but this is my house and he needs to go but he won’t leave!! No matter what I say I don’t know what his plans are or if he’s looking or it will be on his time but I can not deal with my peace in my house being disruptive even my dogs act out on his behavior against me when he needs his ego filled or he says he feels insecure then it’s game on.. I don’t want or need this in my life a year and half is too long to deal with this and I’m done so with this advice it’s no and whatever even if he tells me I’m heartless and don’t care it’s whatever he just needs to get out
A person would rather be fooled than admit they are a fool.
Confucius
I lived with a narcissist for 25 years. She eventually filed for a divorce from me because i started saying NO. I was blamed for everything. She controlled who i could see, what i did, even put me down for going to church. I never knew what was going on until now. I have no friends, i have no family contact, i have no self esteem and i am damaged emotionally. I have been away from her for only 3 months and i am slowly getting back on track. I was tricked into believing i was the problem. I did not even know what a narcissist was. The only reason i looked this up was because she kept calling me a narcissist. All i can say is WOW. What a fool i was.
NOT a fool, manipulated and tricked. You were victimized.
david crouch they are way more common than you think. I felt guilty for resenting and disliking my mother since my early childhood. We have never ever gotten along due to some 13 years of severe trauma that she knew was happening to me from the age of 4 to the age of 17 when i moved out and moved in with some friends. Anyway she knew exactly what was going on, but she made a choice NOT to protect me, her own child from day one. He was a raging alcoholic and when they would fight, she would desperately beg him not to leave....i remember seeing her outside early one morning, still in her nightgown and him sitting in the car as he yelled and she wept in the driveway. She basically prostituted me out to him so he would stay with her. And now to this day she cannot look me in the eye. And oh get this...they finally divorced but it had nothing to do with me telling her multiple times over the years what he was doing to me....oh no..not that at all.....she filed for divorce in 1997 because she caught him cheating on her with another ADULT woman. Talk about a slap in the face. She is in such deep denial i would like to assume it’s only because she has to be in order to be able to go on living with herself because if i were her I would have “called it a day” YEARS AGO. If You know what I mean....also its like if I am with her in any given situation she just has this uncanny way of embarrassing the shit out of me because i end up embarrassed for her. IDK , The only reason I am even living under the same roof at the moment is because i offered to come and take care of my elderly grandmother who is almost 100yrs old (that’s who’s house she is staying in) on the days of the week that she worked. I call her “NANA”. Nana became my mother, emotionally after my mom emotionally checked out when she met and married my former step father.
You’re in the right place at the right time David, keep moving forward.
I remember when I finally started realizing what he was doing, it's not only a shock but makes you feel stupid for not figuring it out before. All I can say is they have a way of making it never their fault, they can never be wrong
@Proinseas Ni hAnluain
That's such good advice I'm going to remember to take care of myself too
The number one thing narcisist hate is silence. Do not acknowledge their existence and they will fall into a near suicidal depression.
It will always be "near" suicidal. A real narc will never kill god.
My mother always threatens suicide but never follows through. She is a frustrated soul . She has a tendency to lead others to suicide with her narcissistic toxic ways.
people who have seen the devious nasty wrath of my narcisstic mother have actually told me to tell her let her go jump and hope she lands face down.
@@starlite7785 She's not your problem. Her damage to your life is your problem. Let her jump, let her win the lottery, let her get hit with a bucket of water and melt, it's not your problem. You take care of you.
That's not always narsism sumtimes u need atention to feel human
Number one word they hate:
GOOD-BYE
Love your videos! Keep posting and keep helping people.
They love goodbye, because they thrive on drama, and they will make sure you won’t be able to leave without great consequences for yourself ofcourse
So best to grey rock them or no contact has been the best for me. Why waste your time?
The bar is closed and I am not serving another drink. I have better things to do in my life. Bye narcisists. Thank you dr Carter.
Better than "whatever". Try " Get over yourself." It will send them into cardiac arrest.
Lol @ Cardiac arrest
What does.. get over yourself mean?
I love this response! LOL!
Robert Pailler 😂😂😂😂🤣🤣😂🤣🤣
@@sweetbeep If I said that to someone, My intention would be,
"Grow up, get with it and you're not as great as you think you are."
To anyone waiting for the word, it's WHATEVER :)
He never said the word directly lol! Hahah thank you
Lol thanks. Saves me time
Thank you
Thanks. Now i dont have to watch the video.
Thanks, I was waiting through the ads.
I have feared being a narcissist like the people who raised me. But after watching your videos it seems I have done so much to be the opposite that this is not something that I should fear.
• I prefer accountability. It means I have an opportunity to be proactive in finding a solution.
• The last thing I want from anyone is control over them. I love the people in my life exactly as they are and accept the level of connection that is mutually comfortable.
• I get excited for others when they win. I try to help them make it happen if I can.
My father being a narcissist really messed up my mental development. He always argues, invalidates my feelings, neglects me, holds double standards, no boundaries, it's a terrible way to treat your child. I don't trust anyone and have mental problems from it.
A combination of "no" and "okay" works wonders. You can say "okay" to everything that's an opinion or idea, and you can say "no" to demands. It's a total shutdown if done right.
For everybody I think. You dont have to be a narc to actually want to be heard and not be invisible to people you love.
Saying no to a narcissist is a declaration of war to them.
I have a business relationship with an NPD so I can't go no contact (yet) with them. However, Drs Carter & Ramoni (spelling?) have given me great advice on numerous occasions. Also, I've received good advice, (such as yours) sometimes in the comments sections of both channels. I have noticed it's as you say, a declaration of war, to say: "No" to the narcissist; however, it's how I state my disagreement with them that accomplishes the desired result.
To me William Morse and your recommendation on how tov handle narcissists are both correct.
Also saying nothing works well too. A head nood or even sometimes a noise letting the narc know you heard them works, the less you say the better the out come.
My narcissist next door divorced his wife because "she got cancer and went crazy".She just couldnt pay as much attention to him now that she has a life threatening medical condition.(His interpretation of crazy).Shes in remission now and told me last time on the phone she told him she just didnt have time left for his BS! Good for her!Good luck to you Sherry!
Well done to Sherry! Wishing her well.
Ah ha so sherry was talking to you ,,, i knew it !
@@4486xxdawson Your whole family is a train wreck! Do everyone a favor and stay away!
That's what Newt Gindrich did. Twice.
Narcs always have a cancer story....
For years, I was married to a narcissist and I knew nothing about this type of person. What I eventually came to realize was that he was CRAZY! It was pure hell living with him! The only reason I stayed was because of our 4 children. I didn’t want to separate them from their father so in a sense I became a sacrifice until finally one day it had to end after 20 years of marriage. Our youngest was 10 yrs old at the time. I just couldn’t wait for her to turn 18 before making a move. I was a wreck and my mental state was a deep concern. After convincing him to leave (which was difficult) we separated with him thinking it would be for no more than a year. 😉 After the separation laughter and a sense of peace filled the house! One day, while the kids were all having a good time, I asked my middle daughter (she was 15 years old at the time) are you okay with your dad not being here living with us? She said, “YES, you should have done this a long time ago. We hated the way daddy treated you, and us. We are much happier now!” 🤦🏽♀️ How wrong I was to stay for all those missable years thinking it was the best thing to do for the children! 😩
We divorced back in 2005 and I never looked back! He’s tried several times to come back and even asked to get remarried! 🤣 What a complete joke! …😡 Yeah right dude, return to hell after being set FREE! 🥳
Moral of the story, “don’t stay with a narcissist for no reason! Be safe and plan an exit! They will only break you down and suck the life out of you while feeding their deeply imbedded flesh eating monsters! All my children are well pass grown now and not one of them are married. I can’t help but to think had their father left a lot sooner, would things be difference?
……PROBABLY SO!!!
I can’t tell you how many times my husband has said ”you won’t let me finish my sentence!”
They really can't stand being told "No". Guaranteed narcissistic rage or tantrum.
I was shocked that "no" wasn't the word he was referring to.
@@bethnshermy Yes, I was betting on "no," too. "No" just doesn't play, ever.
I think that saying 'No' is a refusal, defiance, so it is still engaging with the demand. 'Whatever' is a complete unflapped shrugging off.
They also hate to be told that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
@@oklahomaisok I can't even imagine how that would go over.
What's strange in these situation is when a narcissist claims that you're a narcissist.
Lol that’s what he said to me!!!
Figures
@@bdaina me too
Absolutely 👍🤝
@@abutterfly7975 oh my, me too!😂
"Whatever" would make my ex-husband absolutely unhinged. Especially if I said it with no emotion. Then every drop of vileness within him would spill out of him. One attempt after another to try getting any kind of emotion out of me. It always ended with, "You just don't care. I don't know why I keep trying." He's nailed this one perfectly.
I would have told him “no I don’t 😃” lmao 😂
I've studied narcissism in my work as a divorce mediator, and discussed this topic on my podcast THE Amicable Divorce Expert. So I loved the question posed in this video. I would have said "No" would be the one word a narcissist cannot deal with, but "Whatever" seems to be less harsh and more confusing to a narcissist than "No". I appreciate this lesson today, Thank you..
So pleased. I'm sure you've run across the problem of narcissism many times over! We need a voice of reason in that difficult transition time. Dr. C
I honestly love your posts and always enjoy reading them in my lonely spare time. I'm so sorry I invaded your privacy, but I'd love to be friends with someone who could share such sensitive post content, which means you're a woman of integrity. I wanted to add you but sending you a friend request without your consent is inappropriate because I'm a public figure and it wouldn't take much either, I'd appreciate it if you send me a friend request now so we can be friends and text better here on TH-cam
My ex goes into fits of rage any time I say no.
I say “OK” a lot!! 😂😂 Not in agreement, just in acknowledgement that that’s how they think. Followed by a facial shrug 🤷♀️🤣👍
Brilliant. Haven’t spoken to “my” narcissist in 2 years. We had a 60+ year connection. Best thing I ever did was exit.
Robin Smith,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌺🌹,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
You Go Robin!! That gives me hope!!
I love you!
I know you feel like you got out of prison ,I knew a narcissist that tried to control everybody . And now nobody will go around them .
Good for you....God bless you...
My narcisist was in my life since 1987. I couldn't get rid of him. Moved to FL in 2000 & he kept calling. I would flip the bird when I saw Don on my caller ID. He noticed I never called back. Was too stupid to take the hint. The best thing was to forcefully kick him to the curb.
They also hate being called crazy, because it’s true.
O
O
O
Oo
They love to tell you they're cra cra but everyone can see they are cra cra
I say... "you think I care"
Same as "whatever"
Dismissing a narcissist with a simple "No" or "Whatever" is dangerous and can lead to them being so angry that you will be physically harmed. Actually even staying silent evokes anger. 34 years experience in a destructive marriage.
Not all narcissists resort to physical violence. That's too obvious for them.
Best is to exit FOR SURE! Don't waste your time & be exausted! Exit ANY way you can, quickly!
Ym fg: You're walking on egg shells. You just said there Will be an explosion no matter what. God bless you in your courage to be free!!!!!
GTFO: Get the fuck out!!!!× You can't change another person, only enhance yourself
Yes, the best way to deal with them is to leave. Otherwise engaging with them on any level is a waste of one's life and energy.
I started saying "whatever" recently in response to his nonsense. He actually said he hates that word and tried to tell me I shouldnt use it. I told him he's not the word police and he doesnt get to dictate how I speak. He did NOT like that!
lollllllllllllllllll
Awesome!!!!!! 👏🏼
The proper response to that statement about him hating that word is "Whatever" just for extra comic effect :D
"Your not the Word Police"
😆😅😄😅Funny👏👏
Lol!
"Whatever suits your narrative..."
They don't like the word "no" in any form.
They HATE it!!!
That was the first word I thought of when I read the thumbnail.
they dont even like it when you respect their own boundaries!!
they dont want to win. they just want you to lose.
no I am not gonna do that... :))
Bit they LOVE to say it to others
I think the hardest part is "diagnosing" (or at least recognizing) that the individual is indeed a narcissist. Looking through my rose-colored glasses, this was the hardest part for me. I didn't even know what the term meant. So now it's good to learn how to handle such people via disengaging tactics. In my case, I've chosen 100% avoidance.
They get smarter and sneakier when you learn one thing. They change to fool you again. So, yeah, it’s hard to figure out. The only way I did was that I just always felt something was off…even when I couldn’t pin point one thing.
The narcissist talking bad about you to other people should make them think less of them
My mama used to say "You cannot reason with an idiot"... :)
I also heard, "Never reason with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."
🤣🤣 so true..
Or "you can't reason with an unreasonable person".
I always say "Don't argue with a fool....that makes YOU a fool too"
Ain't that the dang truth
In my experience, the narcissist herself uses whatever herself, basically to devalue anything you are saying or trying to explain. The #1 word in my experience that they cannot stand is No.
If only I could upvote this to the top of the comments! Spot on!!!
Yes, this! The moment you tell them "no", they are done. It is entirely unacceptable. But I've found that being definitive makes them overtly mean and vindictive. "Whatever" is a more open ended, has no real response or meaning and leaves them hanging, uncertain. Both are frustrating to them, for sure.
Absolutely....as soon as I saw the title, I thought it's...no....
Exactly...
There is something they do not like as well - tell them you are happy about your life Then they hey will try to put you in any abnormality but shortly conversation will end up. That is something they feel they cannot compete with - they are never simply happy, only kicking someone they have short time
I’ve tried the “whatever” approach, or “whichever,” if there’s some kind of option involved. It generally upsets the narcissist (in my experience) which gives us the rare opportunity to say, “why are you getting upset?” 😉
I don’t say these things in an aggressive nor overly agreeable way either. But their true colors are shown when they realize their years of abuse to you don’t work anymore.
That’s when they prove you right. And remind you that leaving them in your past is the best choice to make.
Problem is when the narcissist constantly uses the term "whatever" to dismiss the feelings or opinions of their partner/friend. I believe this is a common way a narcissist easily dismisses other people.
Right but that's perfect. When you use it back to them, they understand exactly what you mean. That they are not important enough to even argue with.
They hate to hear the word whatever but I find the phrase “are you done?” shuts them down quite effectively.
Same concept. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism -I couldn't agree more.
I wish I could. The one I'm dealing with would throw it back at me, mocking me and being ruder and more sarcastic. And I can't shut them out of my life because they're closely related and it would only stir up a huge hornets nest.
Psalm 37v4 the one I deal with is my sister. I find total avoidance a good way of dealing with her.
@@psalm37v4 it can be very difficult. Showing indifference when you are in a trapped situation can make them very mean.
"Whatever" has now become my favorite word! Thank you!
I've been in so many narcissist situations there are the worst kind of people, they tear u apart in arguments and yes they store data and throw it back at you it's evil and u end up saying sorry 🤪🤪 I'm now out of all of that 3 years of hell it destroys decent people and can take a long time to recover. Thanks for your videos 👍👍
A nonchalant attitude is what pisses off a narcissist.
It disarms their smugness. In my humble experience.
@@SiliconBong Serves them right! Haha!
I agree Clarence, I had a narcisstic ex and he would cry and argue for hours. He didn't like it when I wouldn't react and had a blank expression on my face!
@@silverselina2382 you sure you weren't just being cold? Empathy is needed both ways in any argument or conversation.
This is very true
The only remedy in a relationship with a narcissist is leave... covertly gather your things, change your phone number and dissappear. Announcing you're leaving is a big mistake.
I just blocked him on Facebook and deleted his number. Haven't heard from him in 18 months so much better that way. If he does message one day I can reply with who's this
Yep...mine said he was going to make my life a living hell
just leave, and don't announce it. Leave when they are not looking. And stay away.
@@cengiztemi8713 don't reply. period. ever.
I agree. I told mine it was over in person and he beat me up. Always dump them by email.
This is so true my Mom is a narcissist and growing up she hated when I said " Oh well life goes on" so I'm gonna use this word now thank you
This is my Mother-in-law to a T. EVERY point. 42 years I have dealt with her trying to control and tear us down because we don't live like her and live a simple life. How dare we LOL
I’ve got a better word, instead of whatever how about goodbye
Narcissists love to say, "Whatever" also, to show complete contempt for your real concerns and needs.
I know! That hurt me so much as a child, that she just didn't care. I learned early how to wash and bandage my own injuries. And then when I was a teenager, she wanted to be part of my life. Nope, too little, too late.
Yeah mine always said "whatever", too.
They simply ignore anyones plight except their own.
An apology from a Narc should be memorialized as they only offer that up when whatever has no effect on you.
Exactly what I was thinking, considering leaving a comment on that very thing in our family! Like the person w/BPD who grew up with double narcs & still does not discern the difference (but is practicing on YOU while learning to assert themselves); flinging these phrases out indiscriminately. They "whatever" & "not MY problem" when there wasn't even a problem. We tried very hard not to laugh at the person or their mate (who got roped into that mindset innocently or naively). We're hoping they "grow out of it", knowing life will happen and it will bite them on the arse some day (not wishing it on them; that's just life).
@@tebethblaker777 Mine always used to tell me he wasn't playing my game anymore either. Lol!
I've noticed that such a response comes across to them as "you're boring me again" and "who cares" and "Ugh, it's just you flapping your gums again". Narcs cannot stand an apathetic response. It makes them feel how weak they are and how pathetic their shallow agenda is.
I work in a mental health organization that is led by a narcissist! She has driven all but two of the staff to leave and although I've been here for less than a year, I am quickly looking for new more healthy opportunities. The two remaining staff I work with are amazingly supportive and I could not survive the Executive Directors behaviour without them. The discovery of these videos have also helped and I'm trying to keep what I'm learning in my dealings with the ED. THANK YOU!
"Goodbye" is the real word they hate.
Exactly! 😊
I haven't got mine to this day
Yep!! Can’t stand that you’re unimpressed and able to resist them.
Whatever you do, in any relationship: always have an escape plan
I was able to leave, but God made a way for me. He has gas-lighted my kids and now my two oldest do not speak to me. I have not seen my only grand baby because of this man. We were married for almost 25 years. He can’t stand that I not only have made my own life, but thrived! I now have three degrees (He always told me “I am the smartest person you know”. I graduated Summa Cum Laude in the top 10% of my class with a dual Bachelor’s degree.) I have a decent house, and a good job. He never saw any of that coming!! Sometimes you just have to go live your best life despite them!!
How, true, how true. When I stopped listening to my narcissistic husband, and feeding his ego, he left me. I did not see that coming!!! I filed for divorce, and I've been happy ever since.
How did you even stop? I always come to the conclusion afterwards. But I am fierce, I will stop this. He will bend or break. His choice, not mine.
Same here. When I stopped going along with every whim he had, he left me. Still have my good and bad days but doing much better.
MY FATHER IS A SEVERE NARCISSIST AND NO DOUBT THAT ONE WORD IS SO TRUE. IF I SAY " WHATEVER" HE GOES BALLISTIC. I AM NOT KIDDING EVEN MY STEP MOTHER TOLD ME " DON'T SAY WHATEVER TO YOUR FATHER HE GOES CRAZY" BUT SHE DOES IT ALL THE TIME. I'M 60 YEARS OLD AND IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT HIS RANTS AND RAGES AND HIS CONSTANTLY HAVING TO BELITTLE, DEMEAN ,ANYTHING TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION ACTUALLY HAS A NAME AND IT ISN'T ME DOING EVERYTHING WRONG.
I never say, “whatever”.
But a resounding NO will work wonders!
You can yell NO to an aggressive big dog, and even they will back off. 💯
With a dangerous narc, be careful, "whatever" can fuel their fire.
Yes, when they are in rage, just leave dont engange even the word 'whatever' or 'really?' or 'maybe' or 'no' or anything else. They will fight back. Narcissist often always want to have the last word. They always want to win. But sometimes, when they are being narcissistic in a calm way, you can say that.
I said "whatever" once and the SUPER COVERT MALIGNANT NARC (now EX-husband) went FULL RAGE BALLISTIC. and broke everything in his sight.
Think no is better
Yeah, depends on how it's said. I've also said "I see" in a very flat tone.
@@mariasartzis-pellicier1723 what a big baby
I got this from another channel- Narcissists are emotionally untrustworthy. Proceed accordingly...
"Whatever" is a beautiful way of telling them of their irrelevance. If I'm told to do something by a Narcissist I can also say "NO" without any emotion.
My boss admits he hates that! He believes if you say, "Whatever", you are saying FU.
These narcs are alot of the times bullies too
Carina Carter 💯
Nailed it right on the head
Cowardly lions one and all
Some truly are catlike in that they play with our minds like a cat plays with it's prey until it isn't any fun after the prey is unable to struggle in terror and lies at or near expiration in fear
Carina Carter oh yes!!
Always a bully. I just dumped a narcissist friend.
Two words: they hate the word "no" and they can't say "sorry" because that means they have to take blame. They need to be blameless.
LordDeliverUs So true!!!
In 54 years I never heard my mother say she was sorry for anything She did. Ever. Not even one with a "but" behind it. Nor did I ever hear her admit she did anything wrong.
LordDeliverUs the narcissistic man i lived with, would say "sorry." But it was a lie to keep me from bailing out on him. He never meant it. Every word that came out if his mouth was a lie. Sorry was just another lie in his bag of tricks.
@@gardener5857 I can identify with you on this. It's beyond CRAZY!
Exactly!!!
You said, ‘pay attention to me, or I am going to make you miserable.’
Smiles softly….Clarity!
Thank you. I need the right answers to stop being a victim for a lifetime . The grave is closer every day. Gro Vera Neste Christiansen from Norway
There's only one tried and true way to deal with a Narc, and it's called BYE BYE!
......or more crudely said in my hood...F... O..
Unfortunately......some narcisisist entities can't be avoided....like landlords!!#!!@#@!!
I’ve been trying to avoid that one but you might be right
very true--i planned my escape a few years back---best thing I've ever done--J.
I've learned to play my own passive aggressive games. They're pressing your buttons (no, you press theirs). Watch them spin out of control. If you're stuck there.
I agree 100% and I give the cold shoulder treatment that just drove most of them nuts
To those dealing with a narcissist, just walk away and disconnect, Condition your mind to let that person not exist in your world.
Well said... but how when its your boss at work?
It’s so hard… he is my son.
I done it with my husband , ignore, ignore and ignore.
Works so well and we live in the same house still.
He is invisible to me in the home.
I carry-on every day and live my life for me.
No more supply from me.
Whatever works great, also what I use a lot is look them straight in the eye and just say "No". And when they are like "why are you saying no to me??" I just repeat "No". And when they ask why, I say "not interested". I also use when they are trying to say how amazing they are, I just say very emotionless "sure" and then talk to someone else. Works like a charm :)
The shoulder shrug is the non verbal "whatever", and I had to use it constantly to avoid his need to fight.
Like the saying goes....the best response to a fool is no response at all.
My grandmother used to say, “engage with a fool, then there are two fools.” 😂
It drives them crazy.
A Narcissists kryptonite is you being aloof and using ambiguity.
So true! My husband is this way with a Narc family member .... unknowingly! And it works.
A narcissist's kryptonite is the undeniable TRUTH. They will run and hide under the rock they came from... Good luck everyone
Isn’t this way how the narcissists are at times..aloof and unclear what’s going on in their minds?
I'm in my 50s and have had to work with narcissists of all flavors from time to time, and I could see where this "whatever" response would screw them through the ceiling. Loved the video.
Why did you end up having to work with so many narcissists? Higher job positions?
2 yrs according to TH-cam. And I have had help to find confirmation to my feelings.. thank you sir, god speed.
A word a narcissist can't stand is the word narcissistic.
You're absolutely right I love it and I would really tell the person you have all the characteristics of a narcissist that would really throw the person for a loop LOL
Every time I talk about anyone being a narcissist in front of my narcissist husband I can see him wiggle and squirm and roll his eyes. These people are totally aware of the havoc and chaos they cause it is a choice to act like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. They do it on purpose to show you who is in charge even though they aren't in charge of anything they do
LMFAO👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
I’m going to have to try that, ............. IF I EVER SPEAK TO ANY OF MY NARCISSISTS AGAIN🧠💩👺
Everyone have a great Christmas 🍾🥂 Stay away from the ”Narcsies” & odds are you’ll have a good one🥳
it's sometimes the first word they'll use against other people when they start drama, in my experience
@@kayleemeyer2830
That's so true but that seems to be what they do with everything, whatever they do they project it onto everyone else
Truth. Narcissists can’t stand your indifference.
Might cause narc to rage.
yes. Indifference is unforgiveable to a narcissist.
That is another good one...it destroys them.
ANGELA FALSETTA yes they destroy themselves. The truth must be respected.
I think pretty much anything and everything is unforgivable to a narcissist.
So true!!! A former close friend who is a HUGE narcissist (if not a sociopath/psychopath) would absolutely *FUME* at me when I’d say “whatever” at him when he’d say something stupid in order to gaslight me. He told me saying “whatever” at him was the equivalent of telling him to F off! Thankfully I discarded that former friend almost 2 years ago. But I absolutely agree, the word “whatever” is like kryptonite to a narcissist!
I keep thinking of that slogan, "you can't win if you don't play." But being in relationship with a narcissist is a lose-lose situation. I think the slogan for going no-contact should be, "you can't lose if you don't play."
Exactly.
I have just filed divorce after 18 years of my narcissistic sociopathic controlling husband. Took me 15 months to get there but man oh man. He now has overnight switched off and disconnected as i grey rocked him for weeks. I find it fascinating the grey rock theory. It works ! He has completely shaken me now and focusing on his next victim. High five for me guys “I’m out I did it “
High 5!!! Dr. C
Just Esther *hi5* 🖐😊😊😊
N D thank you 😊 I’m all set and excited. Lots to learn though about how to pay bills and learning finances though as I’ve never done it before. Wish me luck. X
Just Esther, you're story touched my heart ♥ and I will be glad to know you
Oscar Williamson so sweet of you . He’s delaying signing the papers I guess there’s no surprise there. Have a peaceful day 😊
The parallels between the narcissist and the addict are startling.
Yes, indeed. Dr. C
try dealing with a narcissistic meth addict
My first mother-in-law would say to her husband “whatever you say, dear”. Doused him every time.
From my experience with a narcissist, they will be quick to use whatever also; especially when you are trying to get them to understand that they are doing something or did something that has hurt you.
When these people ask a question that is none of their business, say " why do you want to know?"
Or what has it got to do with you works too x
Or “I’m wondering why you would ask me that?”
I find it funny that they don't care about you at all and constantly try to make you miserable but they have to have total control over you and even though they don't want you they don't want anyone else to have you either it's just that they are so crazy it's unbelievable