In my Psych 201 class, we discussed and wrote a paper on attachment styles. One thing I’ve noticed that often gets overlooked in videos about attachment is how relationships and life experiences can cause your attachment style to shift and fluctuate. You can even have different attachment styles with different people. Before taking the attachment quiz to determine my primary attachment style, I assumed I had just one. However, I discovered that I’m almost equally divided between all four attachment styles, which explains why I might respond differently depending on the person or situation. I’ve also seen how someone with a secure attachment style can develop a more avoidant attachment after experiencing something traumatic as an adult.
I'm severely avoidant and although I appreciate my bf having compassion and patience for me, I'm just as thankful when he tells me my behavior is hurtful. When I know I've done something to hurt him, it gives me alot of motivation to work on behavior, even if it's painful to face what I'm avoiding.
Yes it’s ok to feel your feelings but we can’t accept and succumb to living with anxiety forever. It’s releasing cortisol into our bodies and it’s a major stress hormone. It shuts down proper organ function and keeps this supply of cortisol (a hormone technically) pumping through our bloodstream. Too much of this and it leads to disease and mental issues. We all need to focus on getting connected to life, to the present and get away from phones. One hour a day at the end of the day maximum… that’s what the experts say, including Dr Axe.
Seeing comments like this helps a little. Every time I feel a feeling I always feel evil for feeling it in the first place and take on that label in the end lol, but thanks for this
Idk if this helps but humans are incapable of meeting all their own needs on a very literal level. We evolved as an interdependent species that is highly social and reliant on connection to survive. So you don’t have to meet ALL your own needs, you can trade with some friends and work up to trusting a partner down the line. It can also be a lot easier to meet someone else’s needs than your own, which is always fun when you can whip out your magic wand and provide something a loved one has been trying to accomplish forever with just a little effort. It’s not all on you, and it never will be (because you can’t achieve the impossible) 💕
@@JBec1492 read what I said again 😊 no human can meet every single one of their needs because many of those needs depend on community and connection. We are not islands. That doesn’t mean we can’t be independent
We serve others and in doing so we learn to meet our own needs. This is classic teaching from all spiritual traditions. Avoidants are narcissistically self absorbed and will not face up to themselves and will not ‘do the work’
This describes my ex boyfriend to a T. Whenever I bring up an issue I want to talk to him and resolve, he views it as an attack. I told him, "we are 2 grown adults; we can sit down and have a calm conversation." It's truly sad if he can never break free from this
Yes, that's me. I'm the 9th child born to my parents within 10 years, and my younger sister came a year and a half after me. It was crowded, poor, violent, strict, abusive, and very lonely. It lived in constant fear...it was severe, and at age 60, I feel most comfortable being alone.
I can relate, I’m the 7th of 11 children. I was the anxious one surrounded by a very conflict filled narcissistic family .I was Traumatized from childhood on.
I just got ghosted by a guy was 6 of 8 or 9 kids! He always told me how poor they were and how they had to work in the family small business! I know he didn’t get the love he needed, because one of the first things he told me was he loves affection! I didn’t understand it then but, I really understand it now. DA needs to be talked about a lot more in relationships. I didn’t know about it until after the ghosting happened to me.
As a child, everyone who said they loved me, were the same ones who abused me and hurt me. To the point I developed CPTSD. It’s horrendous to have and even more so to heal from. I never had anyone at my side that I felt I could trust. Especially when I became vulnerable, when I went back into my darkest nights of eternal hell.
that's fucking aweful. that shouldn't have happened to you. something similar happened recently in adulthood for me, even tho I was anxious-secure before. I can't really work or live Inna house now. actually unfortunately a lot of it was this avoidant behaviour which continues the trauma cycle that damaged me. no one (well, few) have a problem with how avoidant people feel and their needs tho. it's a problem because they aren't clear about it. if pulled up for behaviours they either react or create a picture that they're trying to change. it's important to create a really accurate picture for people tho or else it keeps them hanging on saying stuff that's a little bit more positive than it is. o think people would have more compassion if avoidant behaviour was more responsible around what they're doing, while still doing it to meet their needs. nobody wants to be mean about someone's trauma. hey end up having to protect themselves because of the way they're interacted with prior tho and it then means the avoidant person keeps feeling like no one cares about their trauma, even tho that usually only gets discussed after they've done harm
Growing up, the only person I had meeting my needs were me, myself and I. I was told that if I have a problem I should be the one to deal with it and don't get it tied to someone else. I was unimaginably young when I was told that. What I'm trying to say that although explanations does not excuse anything, and I am very well aware that I should not treat people the way I do, but that does not mean that we don't deserve just a little bit sympathy or words of encouragement from the people we care about. We, just like everybody else, are only human, and as humans having a safe place to be heard and understood, a safe place to heal, sounds very nice indeed.
Of course. And it sounds great. But the problem is: hurt people hurt people. If you expect understanding and accommodation for destructive, hurtful behavior within a relationship, you are burdening your partner with something that will harm them. A partner is a partner, not a therapist. If you bring traits into a relationship that are potentially harmful, it is your own responsibility to seek help and work on it. It is not your partner's job to distort themselves so much that the relationship "works" and you can indulge in your problems.
@@bittehiereinfugen7723why is it the standard assumption that the avoidant goes into.the relationship expecting the partner to do everything for them while they hang back and forever drag their heels?
speaking as someone who historically displayed both avoidant and anxious tendencies, avoidant people attach themselves to anxious people the same way anxious people subconsciously seek out people who are avoidant - someone in the dynamic probably feels like they need to earn love and so they consistently and perpetually give, even when its unhealthy to i.e., the intensity, and manner in which that love is given. I also think it’s easier to empathise with people who are anxiously attached because their need for connection is actually obvious and they reach out for people, heck even modern day ideas of romance are centred around anxious attachment i.e., wanting to be around your partner all the time, constantly thinking about them, even wondering if all the actions they do or don’t do have a direct bearing on how they feel about you - that makes it harder to be able to see what a healthy baselines is. But they too are people, and they have a tendency towards selfishness. They sometimes have an inability to regulate their own emotions, and it’s almost an expectation they have of their loved ones to be the ones to make sense of their emotions for them, which can get overwhelming and they don’t seem to do well with distance - even if it’s a healthy amount. it’s easy for anxious types to believe they have no faults at all because all they want to do is give, but there is an entitlement or conditions to the way we give, i’ve observed this in myself and plenty of others. when we process the pain and reflect honestly, we also see that our motives weren’t as altruistic as we like to believe.
Super insightful. I respect that u had that level of introspection. That's amazing. ❤The entitlement is also the reason that I had to leave a former best friend.
I have a disorganized attachment style, but I lean more heavily towards avoidance, and man this rings true. My immediate go to whenever there is a problem is to run/ignore. As I get older and have come more to terms with myself, I am trying to work towards being less avoidant. It’s exhausting, but it’s also okay, because as I engage more, I feel more fulfilled emotionally. I’m still Extremely conflict avoidant, but I am working on engaging in tiny conflicts, and not going to pieces because of it. Years ago, I remember having a panic attack bc I was trying to be emotionally vulnerable with my partner, and it was literally my worst nightmare. These days it’s still REALLY hard, but it doesn’t feel life threatening anymore.
it's okay that you can't communicate when you feel like this, but it's not okay to not put anything else in place knowing that you can't. speak to a counselor and have them help you write to whomever you're in a conflict with, including saying what your needs are (say it this way not as boundaries) eg I need you not to directly message me for at least 3 weeks, but do let them contact the counselor, so you have that extra buffering but can also explain to someone who's hurting what's going on. the callousness of being OKAY with knowing your silence is putting someone through hell and doing it anyway so you feel more comfortable is what harms people. it's continuing trauma cycles. they know you're saying "I'm prepared to harm you to make myself comfortable". no one can be shown that and come back not damaged. it's what your parents did to you. you're not responsible for being what other people need but you are responsible for reducing harm. that looks like stopping acting - create accurate pictures of yourself ahead of time so others are as informed as you can make them, and when you run use some kind of system (put in place ahead of time) that makes communication safe for you (eg a third person, a list of things you will find triggering if said, a specific amount of time you need (that not unreasonable) etc)
And that's a big thing you can be proud of and I'm sure your loved ones appreciate your effort! It's okay to be avoidant , I think a lot of people who deal with their avoidant attached people would be very happy to see that you TRY to meet them in the middle. So good job! Thanks for letting us know that there is the option to do that if one is willing to try!🎉
yeah. being in a relationship (of any kind) with someone you try so hard to connect with, to get then to see you, hear you, know you...Its demoralizing. I felt like i was living out trying to get my parents love all over again. I just cant do it anymore. I dont want to. Trauma is no excuse.
The more I learn about my husband's parents (both passed years ago), the more he makes sense and he's like, no. I had a great childhood. Dude totalled one of the most expensive cars in his country at the time before he could even get a license and his oarents didnt even discuss it with him. Every negative emotion was handled with money or toys. Negative behavior like the above was just completely ignored. The only thing that caused fights was wounded pride and that caused decades long grudges and unresolved fights over the stupidest stuff. I havent heard ONE happy childhood story. It just makes me sad. Thank you for posting these bits of information. It helps me understand myself and my loved ones better ❤
Us avoidant people hate to admit we had a bad childhood and were affected by it, because that means we need to depend on help to improve. And that's the one thing we fear most, because that's what went wrong as children. We had to depend on help, and it was not met.
this is the thing most avoidants aren't produced by extreme trauma, just by families that don't discuss things. and this makes me think there's a lot that can be done... because I've seen people with extreme trauma work a lot harder to do good.
I want to know about the intersection of being a people-pleaser and also having a somewhat avoidant attachment style. I don't typically see anyone explaining how this happens, but I think some people are like this and it's part of what draws the anxious people to the avoidants.
@5HTrades I don't think an avoidant attachment style and avoiding the trait of people-pleasing are the same thing. Apparently I'm not understanding your question.
@@Bull_180 people pleasing might be uncomfortable for genuine people, an empath sees past it and has patience, tries to free the person from feeling they have to do that, but a narc goes right on in to take as much advantage as poss and use the people pleaser. Hope that makes sense.
@@Bull_180No, she's saying he is both those, people pleaser AND Avoidant. My husband is exactly that. Does everything for me tasks wise, very popular wonderful Mr "nice guy" with his friends but very surface level & also a Dismissive Avoidant.
I totally understand. I feel like I've never really had anyone observant to my needs and became a people pleaser in a desperate move trying to find relationships where I would be valued too. I ended up in a lot of crappy friendships and romantic relationships where, looking back, it feels like these people just took advantage of me. I was always giving, but it wasn't reciprocated. I became too tired and empty to maintain these relationships. Now I'm a loner, and I truly don't understand (or believe) it's actually possible that some people have healthy give and take relationships.
I gave up on relationships because I ended up hurting other people, my avodiant Attachment style caused me to become distant when people gave me back the same affection. So I gave up on relationships completely when I realized I was hurting people because of my own stupid fears.
Me too, I think in any relationship you have to look for each other, not just one person look for the other. And then they are crying in the internet because they have no friends, but thats because they don't know how to take care of friendship. Sometimes they are even so needy for digital attention, that they sacrifice the real life
This is me. Mom had cancer and dad was home but distant. I’m hyper independent. All of this is true but I recognized this in myself and changed it. I’m in a healthy interdependent relationship with my spouse of 13 years and I spend my time focusing on our family, close circle, and my business. I will never be reliant on others, but I feel better and things are healthy.
I'm sorry you're going through Burn-out. I hope you do have or will find the support you want and need. "Luckly" your Burn-out is not an attachment style and it is possible to change over time. Unfortunately, it might have something to do with your boundaries and meeting your own needs. You are not alone in this. I wish you happiness, healing and peace.
My bf has been experiencing this and I'm stubbornly teaching him to say "no" and say it's not because he lacks time(his excuse out of fear), but he just needs/wants to spend time on his own. He proudly announces to me every time he did this and....behold....none of his friends got mad at him for that!
@@shalu822did you talked about this? My bf has huge problem with what are my basic needs to not feel like air + I'm neurodivergent and seriously fail at many things without some rules... We talk regulalry where our golden rule shall be in order to set boundaries of our needs.
This is wonderfully enlightening! With all the empathy in the world for Avoidants, it is still important for us Anxious people to set boundaries for respect. If you are not being respected, heard, or communicated with, and if your partner continuously withdraws, you do a disservice to yourself staying with them. I LOVED my DA, would have moved heaven and earth to make it work. But he didn’t WANT to make it work. I respected that, and left in the most extremely painful decision I’ve ever made. It was hard, but now I can take care of myself and live MY life.
@@Sparrow-u9r thank you! It was hard, especially since he moved on to a new guy only months later. But I’m still glad I get to be free of him and the lying, manipulating, and gaslighting.
@@YukiKunikida yes! He told me my “emotions are grating” for him. That’s what sealed the deal for me. I figured, either my crazy ass is putting my emotions on him or he’s unwilling to be accountable. Either way, best we part ways.
@@thelordcomanderwhocriedwolfhow did you leave them? I feel like this is the hardest relationship to leave. When you can’t blame them for their behaviours because you hold so much compassion for them and the reasons behind the way they are but the part time selfish behaviours are so hurtful and damaging. I’m finding it hard to keep giving unconditionally and only getting support back when he has the mental capacity to give it.
@@jameswood88 You can have compassion for someone's traumas, but that doesn't mean you should hold space for them in your life. If they aren't willing to do the work and reparent themselves, then they are literally telling you they aren't ready for a relationship. Leave now. If by some chance he does do the work and you guys meet again in the future then it's meant to be. But go live your peaceful life and don't allow anyone who isn't working on themselves in it (no matter how sad their origin story is).
@@AndreaCrisp thank you for comment. But I think (not only for me) it is a very tricky thing. When someone never felt safe, how can this person now identify safety in their life? How does it look like? Feel like? Been working on it for a few years after getting no contact with psychotic mother, came to a conclusion that state of safety doesn’t exist for me. I just can root my fear in a correct way, find what it can be spent on like suitable fights and challenges. And relationship or friendship are out of this list.
@@chatteronsan4616im with you. I dont know the difference between genuinely being cared for, and love-bombing. Its hard not to be suspicious of everything and the push-pull I would have in response wouldn't be good for anyone. Being single is where I feel safe and free the most. Im myself without the risk of turning into someone I dont recognize again.
@@chatteronsan4616 The problem with Andrea's advice is that we're social beings and as such we're hard wired to feel safe in a relationship and unsafe outside of relationships. You need a relationship to feel safe. Maybe not a romantical one right away though. Maybe start with some plants, then try with dog or cat and later maybe some humans.
@@DestassanThe answer is therapy, figuring things out on your own and leaving people who have what you want (a sense of safety and their own emotional needs) the f*ck alone until you know that you can have a relationship. Andreas advice was pretty good.
At the end of the day you only have yourself to rely on. No one is going to come to your rescue, I experienced this the past few years. I have no contact with my biological family and little contact with my foster family. If I have a debt or need help I have to provide my own support
Finally. Someone who doesn’t demonize them! My fiancé is a loving, caring man! But like me, I accept he has his own style, way of processing the world, and shit to work through. I love him so much just as he is.
That's wonderful. Truly. And... I'm 20 years into a marriage with that caring, intelligent avoidant man. And I'm lonely. Just make sure to keep boundaries, know he can change, but likely won't, and find deep emotional support somewhere - a best friend, family. It's not that he doesn't want to give it to you - he just won't know how.
@@vapeking466 I have been. I do. All the time. That's what's so exhausting. I don't mean that in a snarky way. I have a hard time with boundaries, he has a hard time with emotions. Neither of us are happy - both of us are good people.
Yes, we understand why the avoidance are the way they are. Now it is the responsibility of that person to examine their behaviors and take responsibility and do some work.
This is true. But it's also true that this shows up as selfishness and self centeredness. The root cause makes sense and deserves understanding, but the outcome is still an over-occupation with self and selfishness.
Same with anxious attachment. Both extreme anxious and extreme avoidant attachment behaviors come off as toxic to someone with their shit sorted out. Avoidant attachment people come off as uncaring, and selfish and end up hurting the people that care about them, and anxious attachment people come off as codependent, and overly insecure, to the point of hurting the people that care about them. The attachment styles at their most extreme are not healthy. For anyone. Whether that be the people around the person or the person themselves. Claiming one group is inherently selfish and bad, and claiming they all will never/are incapable of changing is fucking weird. Anyone willing to work on themselves can change and someone just falling into a non medical category (that people made up to help further classify people) does not mean they are inherently incapable of being a good person and putting effort into becoming a better person. This coming from someone who used 2 fall into the anxious attachment category.
I think Avoidant attachment is just anxious attachment with hope removed. I suspect that the same initial feelings get triggered in both people. The behavior patterns of anxiously attached people with how they choose to act on those feelings is based on a past that taught that anxiously reaching out did in fact sometimes get their needs met, inconsistently of course which is what reinforced the “all i have to do is try harder to get them to see” loop. Avoidants grew up with some environment that shut down any bid or instilled certain guilts and shames that act as a fearful and self blaming “lid” of hopelessness. The anxious is crushed when they hear the response they feared from they partner when they reach out. The avoidant, in their mind, already “knows” (believes) that the response will be what they don’t like or more likely actively shaming. Because this is what their past experience has internalized into them.
Thank you for all that you do, i imagine you help a lot of people who are not comfortable posting, please know that they are the most grateful despite their silence.
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
Me and my ex of three years had this exact conversation before she decided we shouldn’t talk about a week ago. Although we have talked and found mutual ground after the fact, one of the conversations we had was this exact thing and before I even understood my own attachment, I told her I fear she would leave me but I found irrational reasons for it. We want the same things but we are not on the same page emotionally rn because of the damage I’ve caused over the years. The more she tried to get close, the further I pulled and I may have realized things too late, but the fact that she still takes my calls tells me there is still hope, but I understand her needs are also important and she needs me to hear her out, so when I plan on reaching out I want to come from a place of change and self reflection and want her to see I acknowledged my shortcomings and want things to work with her.
True. I had to reparent my mom bc my dad left us. I'm still a child who needs support and hugs on the inside although I'm 29. I'll never marry bc I have to the grown up again and I loath that. I'm done. I need to cherish my inner child my whole life now
I think it's very understandable why avoidant (or anxious) people do what they do, and still to recognise that they can indeed actually BE very selfish. Explanations for our relationship problems don't excuse our behaviours, they only explain them. It's up to us all to recognise how our traumas and patterns can impact the people we love, and do the work to change from within. Otherwise, stay single people, and don't spread the pain.
Since I am disorganized due to improper mirroring and not attuned to in anyway, I get it. I’ve been anxious and avoidant depending on the toxicity of the person, of course my own shadows, and era of healing. Humans are so cute and fragile with all our coping mechanisms. 🩵🩵
Yes. Correct. And: my partner of 25 years is STILL the kindest and best man ever. Bc i learned about Attachment Theory early on, and i don't take it personally. ❤
I learned long ago how to meet my own needs since I grew up in a hostile environment. Once in a while, I meet somebody who I feel comfortable with but for the most part, I experience people as narcissistic.
This is an explanation I couldn’t quite articulate when being called selfish before. I was like who? ME? For the majority of my life I ONLY cared about others’ needs! When I turned my attention to my own voids I shut off the part of me that attended to other people. Thank you so much.
Selfishness and extreme self protection are very close as far as symptoms are concerned. The motivations though are vastly different! Thanks for pointing that out! Yes, I am extremely self protective so I avoid others. I can not assert myself. Just gets me into trouble.
There's something of a contradiction here. Avoidants simultaneously obsess over meeting the needs of others to the point of exhaustion, yet show an inability to understand the needs of anyone else. I have an avoidant attachment style and spend a good portion of my time meeting other people's needs, both in my job and in my personal life. But I have a threshold beyond which I want people to take care of their own needs and leave me alone until I can recharge. And the more people don't take responsibility for their own needs the more frustrated and resentful I become with them.
The same can be said for anxious attached not understanding the needs of anyone else. Most I see posting are so mad at DAs and don’t seem to have any interest in understanding their needs. It goes both ways
Yeah a lot of attachment stuff demonizes people, in my experience anxious people are treated as uwu soft babies just trying to be vulnerable and avoidants are selfish and evil for withdrawing. You gotta be careful how much you actually take in because it's a very new concept that's largely being misused, as most new things are when they become more prolific. Being codependent and requiring someone to drop everything and meet all your needs for you shouldn't be any more normal than running away from all conflict.
I’m detached avoidant, but I actually was so focused on making sure everyone else’s needs were met that I got burnt out and lost myself. I no longer knew what it took to make ME happy and it almost ended my marriage.
I am not the least bit selfish. I just need reciprocation to keep giving. Once I think you’re going to take much more than you give, I’m out. I cant meet the needs of a bottomless pit or even fill a sieve. I know I can take care of myself as long as no one becomes a millstone around my neck.
I think the term she used is not that accurate. Egocentrism of self-centred would be better terms. No, I’m not saying them like in laymen terms. It just means that there’s an emphasis on the self not that someone is overly invested in themselves. They just lack the resources and abilities because they’re always in fight or flight. In this case maybe a relationship would not be that important.
It’s interesting how you perceive and judge others as selfish. “Bottomless pit” “sieve” or “millstone around your neck” is quite a harsh worldview of other people - makes sense why you’d want to be self contained if you view others (or relationships with them) as a burden. Life is such that sometimes people need us more in certain situations and sometimes we need people more. Sounds like you cut them off bc you are burdened and overwhelmed not bc they are burdens or overwhelming. It’s a good way of keeping yourself safe but also sounds limiting. I wish you the best ❤
@Sitting_on_a_perch There is probably some truth to this, but consider the strong implication that OP is fulfilled in most areas of life. Attachment styles are not static pathologies, they vary over time and in relation to different social contexts. If someone has many reciprocal relationships and is avoidant with only a few people, that might be worth examining.
Yeah ppl don't know what theyre talking about, prolly cause they've never experienced it themselves or never lived around someone like that. I have abusive parents and I sometimes see myself act like this
@deadmemez1446 I've got both avoidant and anxious attachment styles, I'm most comfortably very avoidant aside from when I'm hyper aware of everything I'm doing that could be considered selfish and constantly ignoring and pushing myself past my own limits trying to not be like that bc I'm afraid of hurting the people I care about and also abandonment (and that'd be the anxious side). I'm autistic on top of it so I struggle to communicate or recognize my own feelings to begin with, disregarding the Deliberately Dissociating From Them factor, and I don't have an instinctive knowledge of how to Show empathy even when I'm feeling it strongly enough to make me feel physically ill (and trying to remember how and display it properly while feeling like your stomach is dropping through the core of the earth is really, Really difficult in my experience). All this to say that even with the underlying anxious tendencies and burning myself out trying to keep a balance that doesn't make me sick with guilt 24/7 I'm still only meeting the bare minimum at best to not be considered an awful person, i guess. I'm exhausted. I'm thankful my partner is so understanding and willing to let me be deliberately "selfish" occasionally to help me recognize my own needs and limits, so I can have the mental and emotional energy to actually challenge the things I want to improve on in a more effective way (ie encouraging me to not feel guilty when i refuse things that feel past my limits so i can process and figure out my Actual boundaries and not exhaust myself with worry for doing so/not be able to rest mentally because of it) so I can work on healing the underlying trauma enough to be more present with them emotionally and not burn out so bad, but it's difficult when I'm still in the environment that caused the trauma to start with and I'm still constantly terrified that they're going to finally get fed up with me because the improvement is too slow or they're just tired of it and they're either going to leave or just not say anything and end up secretly hating me.. Logically speaking I don't think that would actually happen, we've talked it over a few times and they at least seemed certain enough to make me feel mostly secure each time, but i don't think Anything is gonna be enough for the anxious side to not make me want to puke any time I notice the avoidant tendencies until those tendencies are significantly reduced 😮💨 Sorry for the word vomit/trauma dump 😅 but also thanks for the opportunity to vent? TLDR being avoidant, extremely aware of it, and knowing the general reaction to/expectations of avoidants is a very big struggle for me personally atm so the early comments felt Very Bad in exactly the worst way haha
They hate avoidants here. 😢I’m like this but I don’t ignore others needs..I ignore my own needs and hyperfixate on others needs. I know I’m no good to have around that’s why I avoid all relationships.
@@vl1180honestly, they are focusing on their need to be constantly validated, which we as avoidants especially can't give them! The constant "giving" often has strings attached. Its not cool to say only one side is being selfish/toxic here.
Because they figured themselves out.... and you can't figure yourself out and rely on others to do it for you.... They're the wrong ones? Nah, you're just codependent.
I met this Women, i loved her more than i can tell and the end was, that i needed support from her and she dropped me, because of this. I was there for here, i wanted to create a whole new world with her but i had to experience that all of my love was nothing against her past-
It became so difficult to keep up friendships and other relationships that I found it easier to fully detach and just fade away from everyone. I know people probably assume I don't care about them but it is the opposite. It causes so much stress to just have normal conversations that I get too overwhelmed and cannot function. It is not that I don't care, I care way too much and I can't handle the intensity of emotion. This is why I may seem "avoidant" but I am not exactly, it is a stress/trauma response that I am aware of and working on. I am able to be vulnerable but I've been seriously hurt repeatedly by some people who were the closest to me and so now I have issues maintaining those same types of relationships, trusting anyone feels nearly impossible. Even if I trust a person, I will assume myself to be unimportant and that nobody would care if I disappeared. Still have no idea if anyone cared about me in that way, like they'd miss me or something.
I'm really clingy to my mother, but I have also developed trust issues and high independence for my age. I try to parent my little siblings subconciously, because I don't want them to hurt the way I do. I will refuse to accept help, and can't do therapy. I have developed a sense of "the only way to survive is to work alone" I also prefer being solitary. Only one person other than my mum can break my barrier. He's the best friend in the world. He kept our friendship even when rumors speculated about us.
As someone who is anxious in romantic relationships, it is selfish, but not in the negative way, it's understandable and anxiously attached people need to take some notes, 😅 and don't be afraid to love yourself and care about yourself too, even if that means you won't be attractive to avoidants anymore!😊
I experience avoidant attachment and agree with most of what you said. The one thing that is different is that I definitely have the ability to understand the needs of others , sometimes I just do not care to engage with what they need. Unfortunately, that is how I was raised. Fortunately, I have a good therapist ;)
"Why do avoidants seem selfish?" "Oh, they aren't really selfish, they're just focused on themselves." Hmm. That's the definition of selfish, regardless of reasoning or motivation or fear. But behavior is a choice, and our choices can change as we start better seeing and understanding ourselves.
True what you say , but it's also a stereo type given to the avoidant, meanwhile everyone has to have awareness and think of others; regardless of the style. Some people think anxiety means the same as being unselfish, but it's not the case, anxiety can go either way, for reaching out and helping others, or making everything about me and my stress
I had a friend for awhile who was avoidant, but no matter how hard I tried, we never seemed to be able to bond. It taught me that when people have disagreements, they bond while working out. This person didn't have the ability to do that. And, after she started making little covert jabs here and there, I realized I needed to step away. Maybe this confirmed her beliefs about people and life, I don't know, but we never bonded and she pushed me away. I hope she finds healing so that maybe someday she can have the kind of friendships she seems to be seeking.
I'm avoidant and I can understand why I could be viewed as selfish. I might _think_ a lot about meeting people's needs but that doesn't mean I'm actually successful in doing so in reality. I also think you're right, however, because I've gotten to the point where I'll literally tell people that I don't want their affection/gifts because I know I'm incapable of returning their love. Accepting or asking for love is something I am very hesitant with- heck, I mainly vent to deities because I don't need to make up for asking for their empathy, as opposed to humans who need to spend real time and energy to help me (if that makes sense??). This is made worse by people-pleasers who abandon themselves to meet other people's needs, and those who might be resentful towards people that don't return their efforts. I'm not saying those people are bad (y'all's feelings are valid), but this can easily burn the people-pleasing person out and make them resent avoidants. It also makes me, as an avoidant, feel worse because I don't want people to hurt themselves on me even more by disregarding their own needs and boundaries.
I think they're selfish in an unconscious way, not maliciously. And they don't ask for help, ever..they have become way too independent. Betrayed or let down too often in early childhood. But an Avoidant with no insight hasn't correlated any of this. We cannot change what we don't acknowledge.
Not limited to avoidant attachment, anxiously attached people can be super selfish. My friend who’s anxiously attached (she found out through her therapist she’s been seeing for over 5 years) is very focused on her own needs when it comes to social interactions. There might be 1-2 “how are you”s followed by 2-3 hours of venting and looking for advice (this happening across multiple hangouts over the span of 6 months) Selfishness mainly comes down to social skills and social awareness.
Yes. Anxiously attached people often trust others to fulfil their needs and priorities - and some of them expect others to act and be like they imagine everything should be. Inclusive judging others. And regarding both types, avoidents and anxious: when they refuse to look at themselves as the possible cause of the problem (everyone should do that - at least sometimes), then there is not much hope for the relationship (every kind of relationship).
This is a well thought out observation. I’m a DA with a AA. We are both learning to meet in the middle versus thinking the worst of one another. It can be done. There is absolutely hope.
I almost got into my first relationship. I sobbed in the bathroom after one date asking myself “what does he want from me??” But I had really just decided I knew what he wanted and that I couldn’t give it. I gave him up too quickly. I didn’t even let myself get to know him. The thought of whatever made him ask me out dissapearing made me sabotage myself. I know I will not ask anyone out myself, so that was my only shor
I demeaned myself for 4 years with one before I woke up and got out. Took him a month and a half to figure out what to say to get me to come back. Another 11 years and 3 kids later.. wouldn’t trade the kids for the world but my God he’s done/doing a number on us all. All that to say I agree. Get. Out. Early.
Anxious and avoidants are attracted to each other because they can heal each other if they're both willing to put in the work. Anxious can easily become enmeshed and codependent so they are drawn to the avoidant's independence. Meanwhile, avoidants are drawn to the anxious' ability to feel and share their feelings. What winds up happening is that one or both people refuse to change, blame the other person for not changing, then feel like a victim.
I seem selfish because others can't see how hard I'm struggling to understand their needs. Not because I don't care, but because I care so much it's overwhelming.
It's very common to happen, the way out is inner healing, perhaps holistic therapy, and practicing self love. Then we don't lose ourselves trying to rescue someone else; not all those with huge needs have the best intentions, and they don't always truly cater for a partner (in the sense of caring about truly being there for them) so often it's just an outward show to make them look good and look like they're married, and get that status.
Wow! I understand now thanks, i am becoming different now that i am regulating my own emotions the way that works for me. I was just taught to stay quiet and act by people older. I am grateful for all the times i told myself to stop shutting up.
…and it is good that they don‘t, because that means that they‘re far away from the ultimate burden of feeling threatened by the Most beautiful thing in the world.
@derquerlenker1365 since when is oxytocin the most beautiful thing in the world? Lmao i used to be anxiously attached. Now I'm super avoidant. I prefer it because it seems more realistic than being lost in feelings like anxiously attached people are
Understanding the motivations behind the behavior is really useful to the avoidant person and their loved ones, if it can help them heal and learn better ways of interacting with others. But the harm they may do still needs to be addressed and repaired as well. Their behavior looks selfish, because sometimes it is selfish. It’s okay to acknowledge that as well.
I had relationship like that. It destroyed my life. I mean, it is my fault because I knew who I was dealing with but, as I was young, I thought "oh, I can change him!" and believed my love can solve anything. It can't and I should've left instead of letting that relationship destroy the best years of my life, my confidence, all the chances and promises I could have... Love does NOT solve everything. If it doesn't go, LEAVE!
This can actually be beneficial. Its a way to reflect and relize you need to focus on yourself before gettting into a relationship. I have always viewed it this way.
@@earthrooster1969 yeah and most times we decline that help because we would rather be independent. Which isn't always a bad thing. But telling our self that it's ok to rely on others from time to time can help.
@@chloeindigo yeah they are uneducated. People who are logical and self aware tend to stay out. So I guess it would have to be biologically built in to the logical part of the brain. Or something that drives them to not be like their previous ex or parent that treated them neglected them in the past
As an anxious avoidant... I was with you all the way up to the final statement. I am not incapable of understanding the needs of others. If anything I understand those needs much better than I should. The problem for me is... I cannot even begin to meet peoples needs on a consistent basis. I have too many needs of my own. In fairness, I'm not just anxious avoidant. I have an alphabet soup of complex diagnosis.
That’s me I basically took care of myself. I am #10 of 14 with a mother who was overwhelmed with so many mouths to feed and an alcoholic abusive father. I always felt that I was lost amongst so many people. I always like to find my own space and don’t like to depend on anyone.
They are extremely selfish. That’s what extremely selfish is. It’s rooted in disassociation from other people. They understand it but they don’t want to “give”. It’s much easier to be selfish. So that’s their choice. Giving creates attachments. Taking or “receiving” does not.
Associating with others that were suppose to be trusted but were traumatic... avoidance is a coping mechanism acquired as a survival instinct as a child. You want to give and be in a relationship, however if all you know is that interaction with people has caused psychological injuries. You have no choice but to isolated to protect yourself because no one else ever did.
I used to think I was avoidant, but I actually put in the effort to meet halfway. However, when I realize that my efforts aren’t valued, I naturally distance myself. That’s why I don’t consider myself avoidant-it’s simply a matter of how I respond to things, without fitting into any labels.
I think this information is sooo important for people who get frustrated or angry with their avoidantly connecting partner. They are behaving out of fear and not because they don't love you or don't want to be with you.
It needs to be placed in the context of explaining behaviours along with other traits. Avoidance and withdrawal are deliberately used by some as controlling behaviour. Those who wish to be authentic, supporting partners will be open to constructive criticism and personal growth.
I usually avoid getting too close because if someone shows me a lot of affection or even love, I can't feel my own emotions anymore, or my own needs. I mostly focus on the other person's behaviour, try to sense their needs and feel the urge to meet them. Because I feel like that's my purpose in the relationship. Putting the other one's needs above my own to make them happy. And that is soooo exhausting. So, sometimes when it's too much and I lose touch with my own feelings or needs, I need to distance myself because I almost feel panic as I don't know how to balance my own needs and those of the other person, or even how to separate my feelings from what I think are the feelings of my spouse. So the only way to hear my inner voice again is to seek distance.
@@derquerlenker1365 absolutely not true. As avoidant, you can avoid people you love even more than others, while feeling terrible about it, but you just can't change your behaviour (or at least you think that you can't).
@@derquerlenker1365oh my gosh, can you please go to therapy instead of trying to dehumanize any PERSON that doesn’t have the specific version of an anxious attachment style you have. Maybe that’s the real reason why the relationship you allude to in other comments I see you make, failed. Like my goodness, I’m not sometimes avoidant because I’m some inhuman evil creature. Im avoidant because I was emotionally and physically abused as a child, physically abused in my adulthood, had my emotions made fun of and used against me in my interpersonal relationships when I was open with them,had inappropriate and overwhelming levels of emotional and physical expectations dumped on me by emotionally unregulated adults from a young age/had no genuine privacy, had my physical and emotional boundaries mowed down constantly and had been betrayed and neglected A LOT. People with other attachment styles other than just anxious attachment are human beings equally too, not just you. Also nobody is just one attachment style all the time anyway, it fluctuates depending on the situation, yeah sure some lean on one a little bit more than the others, but no one’s one attachment style ALL THE TIME.
Yup. My therapist said two good things to me once. Don't look for shrimp in a hardware store & lower your expectations of other or don't have any. Don't think they have the same heart as you.
I think this is oversimplified. I definitely lean to an avoidant attachment style but I put my families and partners needs above my own in many many ways. This video makes it sound like we can’t love when we absolutely can and do. The way I am avoidant is by putting others first so that I’m not seen. My focus is on them. I’d much rather be invisible and for everyone else to be happy so there is no conflict around me. Then I feel safe. Healthy? Definitely not. Working on it? Every day.
I love the nuance in your response and you elaboration of avoidance of self/being seen. Some things that can be perceived as avoidance aren't actually avoidance. There are so many layers to perception.
Mostly agree. The sticking point is that with far too many women they claim to want to see your vulnerability, yet as soon as you show an inkling of it, the either friendzone you or weaponize your emotions and what you say, to be used against you when it suits them. When you walk away, they cry and moan that there are no more good men left. Not true; they are just someone else’s boyfriend or husband.
Absolutely! Only we know what is safe for us after years of living on survival mode, people pleasing etc...most of which children in healthy homes figure out at a very young age.. By the time we figure it out, it's too late and we are quite set in our ways... But hopefully we learn to become more open to healing
I don't know that it's about selfishness as much as a sense of self-preservation. At one point they were very open and vulnerable but it resulted in too much harm. Some of us desperately want the closeness we push away.
I'd rather be selfish than be let down over and over and over and over and over and over again when asking for help. I learned to put myself first and count on myself first because no one is going to come and save me. I also need a LOT of alone time to recharge. Which I am not sorry for. I will say, though, as I age I am a lot more open and vulnerable in relationships.
I feel you hard. I have no faith in humanity even coming to my aid after 5 years of homelessness, and this year I have a roof but no support and no aid- so it doesn't feel far off. This world is cold and cruel. Despite her getting it sometimes, other times I feel like she can just be so insensitive and oblivious to our day to day struggles.
I'd rather not be selfish. Some humans can be despicable, but how I act is based on me, not based on them. That was my lesson from severe childhood trauma. I won't let my adulthood also be stolen from me.
Have you ever noticed that everyone is appalled by child abuse, until the abused child becomes an adult who hasn’t learned how to function properly? And then suddenly everyone is equally appalled that someone who was abused as a child didn’t magically learn to overcome their trauma and be a fully functioning adult the moment they turned 18. This comments section shows the devastating lack of compassion most humans have. And the best part is how most of the hatred comes from self confessed ‘selflessly’ anxiously attached people.
@@ToniSturrs Magically? No. It takes a lot of inner work that many refuse to do, but instead continue to harm others in their wake. Not 18 year olds, sweetie. Try 70 year olds. If you want to continue giving people a pass and accept their pitiful behavior, "just say so" and enjoy your life with them.
@@JETTSTACHIor avoid them 🤷🏼♀️ see how it's both sides that have to take just as much responsibility accordingly for own actions. It's annoying when people equate anxiety with empathy. They are different things entirely; and anxiety is really about what one does with it, whether utilizing it for good or for evil.
@@JETTSTACHI You have no idea what goes on in the head of another person so you have no idea what they are refusing to do. Your comments seem particularly vitriolic in a feed FULL of vitriolic comments. Someone seems to have really hurt you and you, either accurately or inaccurately, attribute their behavior to having an avoidant attachment style so you seem to have decided that entitles you to unleash your vitriol on anyone you deem a member of your target group. Everyone out here is just trying to make it in the world. Some hurt people more than others and some you need to stay away from. But, I'll be honest with you, responding as I've seen you and others on here respond is causing harm which makes you/them no different from the people they are attacking. I don't really see any evidence that AA types have much empathy and I know many FA/DA types who have a lot of it. Just something to think about.
I was watching this clip on my TV/Roku and came on my computer just to respond to you. I can't tell you how much I love the comments of yours I've read. I say what you said here all the time, we ACT so appalled by child abuse yet demonize the people once they are adults who are having difficulty in many if not most areas of their lives as a result. Lack of compassion is correct and many on here need to be look inward at themselves instead of attacking others. I believe you can get better, but it doesn't happen instantly, it can take a lifetime, and you just have to continue to do better as you know better. Many on here want to attack the DA type without the self-reflection to realize they are showing the exact type of lack of empathy they claim the DA types are showing. Doesn't do much for their credibility. I'm older and I suspect many on here are in their early adulthood so they have yet to learn some of these things. I can happily say it does get better with age. I'm not in a romantic relationship based on trauma that happened as a child and also once I reached adulthood with men, but I have developed some very good friendships and am still learning that you have to curate them as well. The more I learn this the better the friendships I'm allowing into my life have become. Do I wish I learned some of these things earlier? Of course. But I'm learning them and that's what matters. I've found great solace in animals throughout my life and I now think I'm FINALLY getting the hang of making better friends after some have disappointed me greatly but I realize I hadn't learned how to filter the wrong-people-for-me out (because no one ever taught me how; things take longer when you have to figure them out for yourself which is one of many reasons why good parenting is so important). Sorry for such a long response to your comment but I think what you say is SO true and commend you for seeing under the surface and not knee-jerking to the easy answer of "this type is just selfish".
I don’t have the “inability” to adhere to anyone else’s needs, it’s that I have no desire to. And especially with people who don’t deserve it. The tricky part is when I come across someone who I feel does and the anxiety surrounding the need for vulnerability takes over and stresses me out, so I keep my distance.
This is what I've done to my son... And it breaks my heart. Especially since I know this and he has become distant me. My heart cries out to him but yet I don't know how to go forward in helping him when he doesn't seem to know he even needs the help. I didn't know I needed to help, and now he doesn't
To me, being avoidant is my biggest childhood wound. I grew up never expressing my needs and even to this day, I feel extremely uncomfortable asking the closest people to me for help. I try my best though to be there for everyone when they need me because I always feel like I owe them an apology for not being as present in their lives. I like spending most of my time alone because its how i feel the safest and most alive and it hurts me that people take that as if I dont want to spend time with them or dont love them enough to spend more time with them. Its exhausting. As a kid, i was praised for staying out of the way, for being quiet and for just doing as I was told. I was praised for never crying or having any sort of negative outward emotion. I was the extremely good, obedient, easy kid. But inside, I was hypersensitive. I adjusted myself to everyones mood and needs. If i felt someone needed to laugh, I would make jokes, if they needed me to stay quiet and not talk much, I would become mute. Its something i still do to this day, so you can imagine how spending time with anyone, even a stranger could be a lot mentally. When im with others, I feel like im always focus on them, trying to see how they are feeling and what they might want from me so my avoidance is more about limiting my interactions with others so that i can have space to think about me. And my biggest issue is that people say they want to be there for you, want you to open up and the minute you are honest about how you feel like you cannot be fully yourself around others and you feel like you can only rely on you, people take that personally, will say how much they try and you dont let them be there for you and somehow, its always about the other and how much you hurt them. And i completely understand but how is that not selfish? I crave deep connection, who would want to feel so alone in the world? Its not a choice, its a trauma response. I live with guilt of not loving people hard enough when really, all I do is think of their needs and how can I satisfy everyone while also giving me the space my soul needs to feel safe and good. I dont ask anyone for anything, except for space. And I know its not fair but I dont know how else to be in this world.
That’s great. And they are adults who either have to work on this or deal with the consequences. People use it as an excuse, it’s the explanation not the answer
In my Psych 201 class, we discussed and wrote a paper on attachment styles. One thing I’ve noticed that often gets overlooked in videos about attachment is how relationships and life experiences can cause your attachment style to shift and fluctuate. You can even have different attachment styles with different people. Before taking the attachment quiz to determine my primary attachment style, I assumed I had just one. However, I discovered that I’m almost equally divided between all four attachment styles, which explains why I might respond differently depending on the person or situation. I’ve also seen how someone with a secure attachment style can develop a more avoidant attachment after experiencing something traumatic as an adult.
Very good point.
Can relate.
Wow your explanation was so helpful for me. Thank you .
@@courtt444 e
This makes much more sense! Excellent!
Yes I wondered about that too
This makes total sense!!
I'm severely avoidant and although I appreciate my bf having compassion and patience for me, I'm just as thankful when he tells me my behavior is hurtful. When I know I've done something to hurt him, it gives me alot of motivation to work on behavior, even if it's painful to face what I'm avoiding.
Congratulations on your sincere desire to change for the better. It is love in action!
@@SurvivingOutHere That's the work ❤️
My bf just responds with defensiveness, shifting blame or ignores me.
I'm glad you're aware and are taking action. My ex would just hide in his shell and pretend there wasn't anything to be talked about
I bet you're fun 😅
I always remind myself: It's okay to feel anxious, it's just a feeling😊
Yes it’s ok to feel your feelings but we can’t accept and succumb to living with anxiety forever. It’s releasing cortisol into our bodies and it’s a major stress hormone. It shuts down proper organ function and keeps this supply of cortisol (a hormone technically) pumping through our bloodstream. Too much of this and it leads to disease and mental issues. We all need to focus on getting connected to life, to the present and get away from phones. One hour a day at the end of the day maximum… that’s what the experts say, including Dr Axe.
Love this 🩵
I think some smart dude said understanding the nature of suffering helps with handling pain. No source tho
@@MrZAPPER1000 You quoted Jesus. Nice!
Seeing comments like this helps a little. Every time I feel a feeling I always feel evil for feeling it in the first place and take on that label in the end lol, but thanks for this
We DO understand the needs of others and that's what's so scary. How can we meet others needs if we can't even meet our own?
Idk if this helps but humans are incapable of meeting all their own needs on a very literal level. We evolved as an interdependent species that is highly social and reliant on connection to survive. So you don’t have to meet ALL your own needs, you can trade with some friends and work up to trusting a partner down the line. It can also be a lot easier to meet someone else’s needs than your own, which is always fun when you can whip out your magic wand and provide something a loved one has been trying to accomplish forever with just a little effort. It’s not all on you, and it never will be (because you can’t achieve the impossible) 💕
This!
@@JBec1492 read what I said again 😊 no human can meet every single one of their needs because many of those needs depend on community and connection. We are not islands. That doesn’t mean we can’t be independent
@@fearneperez3714 are you user name sistergoldenhair? then i was not commenting to you. I would venture to say you are replying to the wrong comment
We serve others and in doing so we learn to meet our own needs. This is classic teaching from all spiritual traditions. Avoidants are narcissistically self absorbed and will not face up to themselves and will not ‘do the work’
This describes my ex boyfriend to a T. Whenever I bring up an issue I want to talk to him and resolve, he views it as an attack. I told him, "we are 2 grown adults; we can sit down and have a calm conversation." It's truly sad if he can never break free from this
Yes, that's me. I'm the 9th child born to my parents within 10 years, and my younger sister came a year and a half after me. It was crowded, poor, violent, strict, abusive, and very lonely. It lived in constant fear...it was severe, and at age 60, I feel most comfortable being alone.
❤ hope you’ve found some peace
Understood
I can relate, I’m the 7th of 11 children. I was the anxious one surrounded by a very conflict filled narcissistic family .I was Traumatized from childhood on.
I can somewhat relate. 4 kids. Poor. Solo parent lost in addiction. I didn't feel the feeling of a full belly until I was 16 and had a job.
I just got ghosted by a guy was 6 of 8 or 9 kids! He always told me how poor they were and how they had to work in the family small business! I know he didn’t get the love he needed, because one of the first things he told me was he loves affection! I didn’t understand it then but, I really understand it now. DA needs to be talked about a lot more in relationships. I didn’t know about it until after the ghosting happened to me.
As a child, everyone who said they loved me, were the same ones who abused me and hurt me. To the point I developed CPTSD. It’s horrendous to have and even more so to heal from. I never had anyone at my side that I felt I could trust. Especially when I became vulnerable, when I went back into my darkest nights of eternal hell.
that's fucking aweful. that shouldn't have happened to you. something similar happened recently in adulthood for me, even tho I was anxious-secure before. I can't really work or live Inna house now.
actually unfortunately a lot of it was this avoidant behaviour which continues the trauma cycle that damaged me.
no one (well, few) have a problem with how avoidant people feel and their needs tho. it's a problem because they aren't clear about it. if pulled up for behaviours they either react or create a picture that they're trying to change. it's important to create a really accurate picture for people tho or else it keeps them hanging on saying stuff that's a little bit more positive than it is.
o think people would have more compassion if avoidant behaviour was more responsible around what they're doing, while still doing it to meet their needs.
nobody wants to be mean about someone's trauma. hey end up having to protect themselves because of the way they're interacted with prior tho and it then means the avoidant person keeps feeling like no one cares about their trauma, even tho that usually only gets discussed after they've done harm
I understand you 💜
They did the same to me
But i became dependent
And it s hard
So sorry. Fearful-avoidants (disorganized attachment) have the worst of both insecure styles and are the hardest to handle. Praying for your healing!
OMG thank you for acknowledging...I basically raised myself and now my first thoughtsbare always to keep myself safe. Physically and mentally
Growing up, the only person I had meeting my needs were me, myself and I.
I was told that if I have a problem I should be the one to deal with it and don't get it tied to someone else.
I was unimaginably young when I was told that.
What I'm trying to say that although explanations does not excuse anything, and I am very well aware that I should not treat people the way I do, but that does not mean that we don't deserve just a little bit sympathy or words of encouragement from the people we care about.
We, just like everybody else, are only human, and as humans having a safe place to be heard and understood, a safe place to heal, sounds very nice indeed.
Of course. And it sounds great.
But the problem is: hurt people hurt people.
If you expect understanding and accommodation for destructive, hurtful behavior within a relationship, you are burdening your partner with something that will harm them.
A partner is a partner, not a therapist.
If you bring traits into a relationship that are potentially harmful, it is your own responsibility to seek help and work on it. It is not your partner's job to distort themselves so much that the relationship "works" and you can indulge in your problems.
@@bittehiereinfugen7723why is it the standard assumption that the avoidant goes into.the relationship expecting the partner to do everything for them while they hang back and forever drag their heels?
speaking as someone who historically displayed both avoidant and anxious tendencies, avoidant people attach themselves to anxious people the same way anxious people subconsciously seek out people who are avoidant - someone in the dynamic probably feels like they need to earn love and so they consistently and perpetually give, even when its unhealthy to i.e., the intensity, and manner in which that love is given.
I also think it’s easier to empathise with people who are anxiously attached because their need for connection is actually obvious and they reach out for people, heck even modern day ideas of romance are centred around anxious attachment i.e., wanting to be around your partner all the time, constantly thinking about them, even wondering if all the actions they do or don’t do have a direct bearing on how they feel about you - that makes it harder to be able to see what a healthy baselines is. But they too are people, and they have a tendency towards selfishness.
They sometimes have an inability to regulate their own emotions, and it’s almost an expectation they have of their loved ones to be the ones to make sense of their emotions for them, which can get overwhelming and they don’t seem to do well with distance - even if it’s a healthy amount.
it’s easy for anxious types to believe they have no faults at all because all they want to do is give, but there is an entitlement or conditions to the way we give, i’ve observed this in myself and plenty of others. when we process the pain and reflect honestly, we also see that our motives weren’t as altruistic as we like to believe.
Excellent insights & capability of ...of how damn well said! 💙
I love your honesty
Super insightful. I respect that u had that level of introspection. That's amazing. ❤The entitlement is also the reason that I had to leave a former best friend.
❤️🔥
Reading the book “Attached” really helped me recognize my own toxic attachment issues and the unhealthy way I react to things.
I have a disorganized attachment style, but I lean more heavily towards avoidance, and man this rings true. My immediate go to whenever there is a problem is to run/ignore. As I get older and have come more to terms with myself, I am trying to work towards being less avoidant. It’s exhausting, but it’s also okay, because as I engage more, I feel more fulfilled emotionally. I’m still Extremely conflict avoidant, but I am working on engaging in tiny conflicts, and not going to pieces because of it. Years ago, I remember having a panic attack bc I was trying to be emotionally vulnerable with my partner, and it was literally my worst nightmare.
These days it’s still REALLY hard, but it doesn’t feel life threatening anymore.
That's so good that you're working on it 🙂
I'm happy things are improving for you, wishing you the best 🫶
it's okay that you can't communicate when you feel like this, but it's not okay to not put anything else in place knowing that you can't.
speak to a counselor and have them help you write to whomever you're in a conflict with, including saying what your needs are (say it this way not as boundaries) eg I need you not to directly message me for at least 3 weeks, but do let them contact the counselor, so you have that extra buffering but can also explain to someone who's hurting what's going on.
the callousness of being OKAY with knowing your silence is putting someone through hell and doing it anyway so you feel more comfortable is what harms people. it's continuing trauma cycles. they know you're saying "I'm prepared to harm you to make myself comfortable". no one can be shown that and come back not damaged. it's what your parents did to you.
you're not responsible for being what other people need but you are responsible for reducing harm. that looks like stopping acting - create accurate pictures of yourself ahead of time so others are as informed as you can make them, and when you run use some kind of system (put in place ahead of time) that makes communication safe for you (eg a third person, a list of things you will find triggering if said, a specific amount of time you need (that not unreasonable) etc)
And that's a big thing you can be proud of and I'm sure your loved ones appreciate your effort! It's okay to be avoidant , I think a lot of people who deal with their avoidant attached people would be very happy to see that you TRY to meet them in the middle. So good job! Thanks for letting us know that there is the option to do that if one is willing to try!🎉
yeah. being in a relationship (of any kind) with someone you try so hard to connect with, to get then to see you, hear you, know you...Its demoralizing. I felt like i was living out trying to get my parents love all over again. I just cant do it anymore. I dont want to. Trauma is no excuse.
THIS!
The more I learn about my husband's parents (both passed years ago), the more he makes sense and he's like, no. I had a great childhood. Dude totalled one of the most expensive cars in his country at the time before he could even get a license and his oarents didnt even discuss it with him. Every negative emotion was handled with money or toys. Negative behavior like the above was just completely ignored. The only thing that caused fights was wounded pride and that caused decades long grudges and unresolved fights over the stupidest stuff. I havent heard ONE happy childhood story. It just makes me sad.
Thank you for posting these bits of information. It helps me understand myself and my loved ones better ❤
Sounds exactly like my husband & his mom
Wow super sad
Us avoidant people hate to admit we had a bad childhood and were affected by it, because that means we need to depend on help to improve. And that's the one thing we fear most, because that's what went wrong as children. We had to depend on help, and it was not met.
@@g.i.r.l. aww sorry 😞
this is the thing most avoidants aren't produced by extreme trauma, just by families that don't discuss things. and this makes me think there's a lot that can be done... because I've seen people with extreme trauma work a lot harder to do good.
I want to know about the intersection of being a people-pleaser and also having a somewhat avoidant attachment style.
I don't typically see anyone explaining how this happens, but I think some people are like this and it's part of what draws the anxious people to the avoidants.
People pleasing is deeply uncomfortable, a one way relationship where you are always performing. Why wouldn't you avoid that if you could?
@5HTrades I don't think an avoidant attachment style and avoiding the trait of people-pleasing are the same thing.
Apparently I'm not understanding your question.
@@Bull_180 people pleasing might be uncomfortable for genuine people, an empath sees past it and has patience, tries to free the person from feeling they have to do that, but a narc goes right on in to take as much advantage as poss and use the people pleaser. Hope that makes sense.
@ashton1952 that description really resonates with my experience.
@@Bull_180No, she's saying he is both those, people pleaser AND Avoidant. My husband is exactly that. Does everything for me tasks wise, very popular wonderful Mr "nice guy" with his friends but very surface level & also a Dismissive Avoidant.
I'm so avoidant that I avoid all kinds of relationships. I'm exhausted from giving too much and gaining little to nothing.
I totally understand. I feel like I've never really had anyone observant to my needs and became a people pleaser in a desperate move trying to find relationships where I would be valued too. I ended up in a lot of crappy friendships and romantic relationships where, looking back, it feels like these people just took advantage of me. I was always giving, but it wasn't reciprocated. I became too tired and empty to maintain these relationships. Now I'm a loner, and I truly don't understand (or believe) it's actually possible that some people have healthy give and take relationships.
I gave up on relationships because I ended up hurting other people, my avodiant Attachment style caused me to become distant when people gave me back the same affection. So I gave up on relationships completely when I realized I was hurting people because of my own stupid fears.
Me too, I think in any relationship you have to look for each other, not just one person look for the other. And then they are crying in the internet because they have no friends, but thats because they don't know how to take care of friendship. Sometimes they are even so needy for digital attention, that they sacrifice the real life
@@PamelaZKemper I gave as much as my avoidant infact I loved him & wanted to move foward he just could not do it .
avoidants do not give , they only take.
This is me. Mom had cancer and dad was home but distant. I’m hyper independent. All of this is true but I recognized this in myself and changed it. I’m in a healthy interdependent relationship with my spouse of 13 years and I spend my time focusing on our family, close circle, and my business. I will never be reliant on others, but I feel better and things are healthy.
I have burnout. I had to stop trying to meet everyone's needs that they want from me. Or want me to do. Just can't anymore
💙
I reached that point after meeting just one person who demanded so much from me i had zero energy left to give anything to anyone anymore.
I'm sorry you're going through Burn-out. I hope you do have or will find the support you want and need.
"Luckly" your Burn-out is not an attachment style and it is possible to change over time. Unfortunately, it might have something to do with your boundaries and meeting your own needs.
You are not alone in this. I wish you happiness, healing and peace.
My bf has been experiencing this and I'm stubbornly teaching him to say "no" and say it's not because he lacks time(his excuse out of fear), but he just needs/wants to spend time on his own.
He proudly announces to me every time he did this and....behold....none of his friends got mad at him for that!
@@shalu822did you talked about this?
My bf has huge problem with what are my basic needs to not feel like air + I'm neurodivergent and seriously fail at many things without some rules...
We talk regulalry where our golden rule shall be in order to set boundaries of our needs.
This is wonderfully enlightening!
With all the empathy in the world for Avoidants, it is still important for us Anxious people to set boundaries for respect. If you are not being respected, heard, or communicated with, and if your partner continuously withdraws, you do a disservice to yourself staying with them.
I LOVED my DA, would have moved heaven and earth to make it work. But he didn’t WANT to make it work. I respected that, and left in the most extremely painful decision I’ve ever made. It was hard, but now I can take care of myself and live MY life.
Well done. Healthy decision for both of you.
@@Sparrow-u9r thank you! It was hard, especially since he moved on to a new guy only months later. But I’m still glad I get to be free of him and the lying, manipulating, and gaslighting.
@@Chazman2427the gaslighting is the worst. You start to wonder if your emotional needs are really a burden or exaggeration
@@YukiKunikida yes! He told me my “emotions are grating” for him. That’s what sealed the deal for me. I figured, either my crazy ass is putting my emotions on him or he’s unwilling to be accountable. Either way, best we part ways.
I too know that pain all too well!!!! I just walked away from DA last night. Hurt like hell...smh.
I think we need to take care of our own needs first so that we can add clearly help others
So true, we can only love to the extent to which we love ourselves
This causes pain in my heart because I loved someone just like this
🫂❤️🩹
@@thelordcomanderwhocriedwolfhow did you leave them? I feel like this is the hardest relationship to leave. When you can’t blame them for their behaviours because you hold so much compassion for them and the reasons behind the way they are but the part time selfish behaviours are so hurtful and damaging. I’m finding it hard to keep giving unconditionally and only getting support back when he has the mental capacity to give it.
@@jameswood88 You can have compassion for someone's traumas, but that doesn't mean you should hold space for them in your life. If they aren't willing to do the work and reparent themselves, then they are literally telling you they aren't ready for a relationship. Leave now. If by some chance he does do the work and you guys meet again in the future then it's meant to be. But go live your peaceful life and don't allow anyone who isn't working on themselves in it (no matter how sad their origin story is).
How can I focus on someone else, when my whole life I live without my need of safety being met?
You can't. You have to work on you first and work to build safety. Don't get into a relationship if you aren't actually available and ready for it.
@@AndreaCrisp thank you for comment.
But I think (not only for me) it is a very tricky thing. When someone never felt safe, how can this person now identify safety in their life? How does it look like? Feel like?
Been working on it for a few years after getting no contact with psychotic mother, came to a conclusion that state of safety doesn’t exist for me. I just can root my fear in a correct way, find what it can be spent on like suitable fights and challenges. And relationship or friendship are out of this list.
@@chatteronsan4616im with you. I dont know the difference between genuinely being cared for, and love-bombing. Its hard not to be suspicious of everything and the push-pull I would have in response wouldn't be good for anyone. Being single is where I feel safe and free the most. Im myself without the risk of turning into someone I dont recognize again.
@@chatteronsan4616 The problem with Andrea's advice is that we're social beings and as such we're hard wired to feel safe in a relationship and unsafe outside of relationships. You need a relationship to feel safe. Maybe not a romantical one right away though. Maybe start with some plants, then try with dog or cat and later maybe some humans.
@@DestassanThe answer is therapy, figuring things out on your own and leaving people who have what you want (a sense of safety and their own emotional needs) the f*ck alone until you know that you can have a relationship. Andreas advice was pretty good.
I was gaslit into thinking I was an avoidant by a manipulative ex. Once I was single again I realized I'm actually secure.
Was your ex anxious attachment?
At the end of the day you only have yourself to rely on. No one is going to come to your rescue, I experienced this the past few years. I have no contact with my biological family and little contact with my foster family. If I have a debt or need help I have to provide my own support
Finally. Someone who doesn’t demonize them! My fiancé is a loving, caring man! But like me, I accept he has his own style, way of processing the world, and shit to work through. I love him so much just as he is.
That's wonderful. Truly. And...
I'm 20 years into a marriage with that caring, intelligent avoidant man. And I'm lonely. Just make sure to keep boundaries, know he can change, but likely won't, and find deep emotional support somewhere - a best friend, family. It's not that he doesn't want to give it to you - he just won't know how.
If your lonely imagine what he feels.
@@vapeking466 I have been. I do. All the time. That's what's so exhausting. I don't mean that in a snarky way. I have a hard time with boundaries, he has a hard time with emotions. Neither of us are happy - both of us are good people.
@@Sarcasaurus76Oh my, that sounds very much like my marriage of 20 years.
Yes, we understand why the avoidance are the way they are. Now it is the responsibility of that person to examine their behaviors and take responsibility and do some work.
This is true. But it's also true that this shows up as selfishness and self centeredness. The root cause makes sense and deserves understanding, but the outcome is still an over-occupation with self and selfishness.
Exactly. They don't just seem selfish, they are.
Exactly, no matter of understanding and root cause - the fact remains the same and they won’t change.
@@trinityp8575
It's far more complicated. And they can change with a good therapist.
@@bellakrinkle9381 however most don’t seek therapy. Especially men. Some have big egos as facade and deny that there is something wrong with them.
Same with anxious attachment. Both extreme anxious and extreme avoidant attachment behaviors come off as toxic to someone with their shit sorted out. Avoidant attachment people come off as uncaring, and selfish and end up hurting the people that care about them, and anxious attachment people come off as codependent, and overly insecure, to the point of hurting the people that care about them. The attachment styles at their most extreme are not healthy. For anyone. Whether that be the people around the person or the person themselves.
Claiming one group is inherently selfish and bad, and claiming they all will never/are incapable of changing is fucking weird. Anyone willing to work on themselves can change and someone just falling into a non medical category (that people made up to help further classify people) does not mean they are inherently incapable of being a good person and putting effort into becoming a better person. This coming from someone who used 2 fall into the anxious attachment category.
I think Avoidant attachment is just anxious attachment with hope removed. I suspect that the same initial feelings get triggered in both people. The behavior patterns of anxiously attached people with how they choose to act on those feelings is based on a past that taught that anxiously reaching out did in fact sometimes get their needs met, inconsistently of course which is what reinforced the “all i have to do is try harder to get them to see” loop.
Avoidants grew up with some environment that shut down any bid or instilled certain guilts and shames that act as a fearful and self blaming “lid” of hopelessness.
The anxious is crushed when they hear the response they feared from they partner when they reach out. The avoidant, in their mind, already “knows” (believes) that the response will be what they don’t like or more likely actively shaming. Because this is what their past experience has internalized into them.
Thank you for all that you do, i imagine you help a lot of people who are not comfortable posting, please know that they are the most grateful despite their silence.
Your info has really given me the opportunity to forgive someone that I've desperately needed to forgive. I appreciate it immensely 😅🎉❤
Love this new style of short! Thank you! Lots of authority and concise, authentic information! I’m hooked!
Great job! 💜
Yes they keep things in and repress their feelings to avoid conflict and simply leave out important information so they won't have to deal with it ❤
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Me and my ex of three years had this exact conversation before she decided we shouldn’t talk about a week ago. Although we have talked and found mutual ground after the fact, one of the conversations we had was this exact thing and before I even understood my own attachment, I told her I fear she would leave me but I found irrational reasons for it. We want the same things but we are not on the same page emotionally rn because of the damage I’ve caused over the years. The more she tried to get close, the further I pulled and I may have realized things too late, but the fact that she still takes my calls tells me there is still hope, but I understand her needs are also important and she needs me to hear her out, so when I plan on reaching out I want to come from a place of change and self reflection and want her to see I acknowledged my shortcomings and want things to work with her.
True. I had to reparent my mom bc my dad left us. I'm still a child who needs support and hugs on the inside although I'm 29. I'll never marry bc I have to the grown up again and I loath that. I'm done. I need to cherish my inner child my whole life now
This is a major problem in my relationship and might be the cause of it ending.
Then fix it
@@ingeclaeys3761it takes two people to fix a relationship
@@ingeclaeys3761you cannot fix all by yourself
Tango it's a dance of two
@@ingeclaeys3761 it is extremely difficult to change your attachment needs. Your attachment style is flexible but it can never be completely changed.
@@ingeclaeys3761unfortunately, the fix is usually to leave.
I think it's very understandable why avoidant (or anxious) people do what they do, and still to recognise that they can indeed actually BE very selfish.
Explanations for our relationship problems don't excuse our behaviours, they only explain them.
It's up to us all to recognise how our traumas and patterns can impact the people we love, and do the work to change from within. Otherwise, stay single people, and don't spread the pain.
100 🤌
Speak for yourself. Single or in relationships, we are constantly evolving..
Follow your path that feels right for you at that point in your life
@JoanneOz Well said.💗
🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 this
Goodluck on staying single for the rest of your life
We never got our needs met from anyone who was supposed to do that (parents).
What has been said is exactly to the point👏
Ditto… in a nutshell as they say
❤️🔥
Since I am disorganized due to improper mirroring and not attuned to in anyway, I get it. I’ve been anxious and avoidant depending on the toxicity of the person, of course my own shadows, and era of healing. Humans are so cute and fragile with all our coping mechanisms. 🩵🩵
Yes. Correct. And: my partner of 25 years is STILL the kindest and best man ever. Bc i learned about Attachment Theory early on, and i don't take it personally. ❤
I love this channel you’ve clarified so many things about myself that I didn’t know how to explain or understand. Thank you ❤
I learned long ago how to meet my own needs since I grew up in a hostile environment. Once in a while, I meet somebody who I feel comfortable with but for the most part, I experience people as narcissistic.
This is an explanation I couldn’t quite articulate when being called selfish before. I was like who? ME? For the majority of my life I ONLY cared about others’ needs! When I turned my attention to my own voids I shut off the part of me that attended to other people. Thank you so much.
Selfishness and extreme self protection are very close as far as symptoms are concerned. The motivations though are vastly different! Thanks for pointing that out!
Yes, I am extremely self protective so I avoid others. I can not assert myself. Just gets me into trouble.
There's something of a contradiction here. Avoidants simultaneously obsess over meeting the needs of others to the point of exhaustion, yet show an inability to understand the needs of anyone else. I have an avoidant attachment style and spend a good portion of my time meeting other people's needs, both in my job and in my personal life. But I have a threshold beyond which I want people to take care of their own needs and leave me alone until I can recharge. And the more people don't take responsibility for their own needs the more frustrated and resentful I become with them.
The same can be said for anxious attached not understanding the needs of anyone else. Most I see posting are so mad at DAs and don’t seem to have any interest in understanding their needs. It goes both ways
Yeah a lot of attachment stuff demonizes people, in my experience anxious people are treated as uwu soft babies just trying to be vulnerable and avoidants are selfish and evil for withdrawing. You gotta be careful how much you actually take in because it's a very new concept that's largely being misused, as most new things are when they become more prolific. Being codependent and requiring someone to drop everything and meet all your needs for you shouldn't be any more normal than running away from all conflict.
🎯
I relate to this.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 well said
I’m detached avoidant, but I actually was so focused on making sure everyone else’s needs were met that I got burnt out and lost myself. I no longer knew what it took to make ME happy and it almost ended my marriage.
I am not the least bit selfish. I just need reciprocation to keep giving. Once I think you’re going to take much more than you give, I’m out. I cant meet the needs of a bottomless pit or even fill a sieve. I know I can take care of myself as long as no one becomes a millstone around my neck.
I'm this way too!
well said
I think the term she used is not that accurate. Egocentrism of self-centred would be better terms. No, I’m not saying them like in laymen terms. It just means that there’s an emphasis on the self not that someone is overly invested in themselves. They just lack the resources and abilities because they’re always in fight or flight. In this case maybe a relationship would not be that important.
It’s interesting how you perceive and judge others as selfish. “Bottomless pit” “sieve” or “millstone around your neck” is quite a harsh worldview of other people - makes sense why you’d want to be self contained if you view others (or relationships with them) as a burden. Life is such that sometimes people need us more in certain situations and sometimes we need people more. Sounds like you cut them off bc you are burdened and overwhelmed not bc they are burdens or overwhelming. It’s a good way of keeping yourself safe but also sounds limiting.
I wish you the best ❤
@Sitting_on_a_perch There is probably some truth to this, but consider the strong implication that OP is fulfilled in most areas of life. Attachment styles are not static pathologies, they vary over time and in relation to different social contexts. If someone has many reciprocal relationships and is avoidant with only a few people, that might be worth examining.
Beautifully said and extremely relatable 💯🔥🔥❤️
Man i really should not have looked at the comments on this one 🙃
Yeah ppl don't know what theyre talking about, prolly cause they've never experienced it themselves or never lived around someone like that. I have abusive parents and I sometimes see myself act like this
@deadmemez1446 I've got both avoidant and anxious attachment styles, I'm most comfortably very avoidant aside from when I'm hyper aware of everything I'm doing that could be considered selfish and constantly ignoring and pushing myself past my own limits trying to not be like that bc I'm afraid of hurting the people I care about and also abandonment (and that'd be the anxious side). I'm autistic on top of it so I struggle to communicate or recognize my own feelings to begin with, disregarding the Deliberately Dissociating From Them factor, and I don't have an instinctive knowledge of how to Show empathy even when I'm feeling it strongly enough to make me feel physically ill (and trying to remember how and display it properly while feeling like your stomach is dropping through the core of the earth is really, Really difficult in my experience). All this to say that even with the underlying anxious tendencies and burning myself out trying to keep a balance that doesn't make me sick with guilt 24/7 I'm still only meeting the bare minimum at best to not be considered an awful person, i guess. I'm exhausted.
I'm thankful my partner is so understanding and willing to let me be deliberately "selfish" occasionally to help me recognize my own needs and limits, so I can have the mental and emotional energy to actually challenge the things I want to improve on in a more effective way (ie encouraging me to not feel guilty when i refuse things that feel past my limits so i can process and figure out my Actual boundaries and not exhaust myself with worry for doing so/not be able to rest mentally because of it) so I can work on healing the underlying trauma enough to be more present with them emotionally and not burn out so bad, but it's difficult when I'm still in the environment that caused the trauma to start with and I'm still constantly terrified that they're going to finally get fed up with me because the improvement is too slow or they're just tired of it and they're either going to leave or just not say anything and end up secretly hating me.. Logically speaking I don't think that would actually happen, we've talked it over a few times and they at least seemed certain enough to make me feel mostly secure each time, but i don't think Anything is gonna be enough for the anxious side to not make me want to puke any time I notice the avoidant tendencies until those tendencies are significantly reduced 😮💨
Sorry for the word vomit/trauma dump 😅 but also thanks for the opportunity to vent?
TLDR being avoidant, extremely aware of it, and knowing the general reaction to/expectations of avoidants is a very big struggle for me personally atm so the early comments felt Very Bad in exactly the worst way haha
They hate avoidants here. 😢I’m like this but I don’t ignore others needs..I ignore my own needs and hyperfixate on others needs. I know I’m no good to have around that’s why I avoid all relationships.
@@vl1180I feel you girl
@@vl1180honestly, they are focusing on their need to be constantly validated, which we as avoidants especially can't give them! The constant "giving" often has strings attached. Its not cool to say only one side is being selfish/toxic here.
The real reason is because all empathy goes out the window when they are triggered and the way they treat you will brutally reflect that.
Because they figured themselves out.... and you can't figure yourself out and rely on others to do it for you....
They're the wrong ones? Nah, you're just codependent.
@@AberdolphLinklr lmao get a clue - they literally rely on external validation. They are codependent with effing everyone. Strangers ffs.
I met this Women, i loved her more than i can tell and the end was, that i needed support from her and she dropped me, because of this.
I was there for here, i wanted to create a whole new world with her but i had to experience that all of my love was nothing against her past-
Thank you for explaining. This really helps me to understand someone I love dearly.
my father… he’s a solid rock and amazing provider with avoidant attachment
It became so difficult to keep up friendships and other relationships that I found it easier to fully detach and just fade away from everyone. I know people probably assume I don't care about them but it is the opposite. It causes so much stress to just have normal conversations that I get too overwhelmed and cannot function.
It is not that I don't care, I care way too much and I can't handle the intensity of emotion. This is why I may seem "avoidant" but I am not exactly, it is a stress/trauma response that I am aware of and working on. I am able to be vulnerable but I've been seriously hurt repeatedly by some people who were the closest to me and so now I have issues maintaining those same types of relationships, trusting anyone feels nearly impossible. Even if I trust a person, I will assume myself to be unimportant and that nobody would care if I disappeared. Still have no idea if anyone cared about me in that way, like they'd miss me or something.
This made me feel so seen, omg :')
So helpful!! Thank you!! I need more teachings about not vilifying the avoidant person and understanding my avoidant husband.
I have never had a family, a friend, or an acquaintance, so I can't be avoidant if nobody is in my life.
That's not what avoidant means...
I'm really clingy to my mother, but I have also developed trust issues and high independence for my age. I try to parent my little siblings subconciously, because I don't want them to hurt the way I do. I will refuse to accept help, and can't do therapy. I have developed a sense of "the only way to survive is to work alone" I also prefer being solitary. Only one person other than my mum can break my barrier. He's the best friend in the world. He kept our friendship even when rumors speculated about us.
As someone who is anxious in romantic relationships, it is selfish, but not in the negative way, it's understandable and anxiously attached people need to take some notes, 😅 and don't be afraid to love yourself and care about yourself too, even if that means you won't be attractive to avoidants anymore!😊
I experience avoidant attachment and agree with most of what you said. The one thing that is different is that I definitely have the ability to understand the needs of others , sometimes I just do not care to engage with what they need. Unfortunately, that is how I was raised. Fortunately, I have a good therapist ;)
"Why do avoidants seem selfish?"
"Oh, they aren't really selfish, they're just focused on themselves."
Hmm.
That's the definition of selfish, regardless of reasoning or motivation or fear.
But behavior is a choice, and our choices can change as we start better seeing and understanding ourselves.
True what you say , but it's also a stereo type given to the avoidant, meanwhile everyone has to have awareness and think of others; regardless of the style. Some people think anxiety means the same as being unselfish, but it's not the case, anxiety can go either way, for reaching out and helping others, or making everything about me and my stress
I had a friend for awhile who was avoidant, but no matter how hard I tried, we never seemed to be able to bond. It taught me that when people have disagreements, they bond while working out. This person didn't have the ability to do that. And, after she started making little covert jabs here and there, I realized I needed to step away. Maybe this confirmed her beliefs about people and life, I don't know, but we never bonded and she pushed me away. I hope she finds healing so that maybe someday she can have the kind of friendships she seems to be seeking.
I think its weird that avoidants get pegged as selfish. They typically never ask for help, god forbid demand it, even when they're drowning.
I'm avoidant and I can understand why I could be viewed as selfish. I might _think_ a lot about meeting people's needs but that doesn't mean I'm actually successful in doing so in reality.
I also think you're right, however, because I've gotten to the point where I'll literally tell people that I don't want their affection/gifts because I know I'm incapable of returning their love. Accepting or asking for love is something I am very hesitant with- heck, I mainly vent to deities because I don't need to make up for asking for their empathy, as opposed to humans who need to spend real time and energy to help me (if that makes sense??).
This is made worse by people-pleasers who abandon themselves to meet other people's needs, and those who might be resentful towards people that don't return their efforts. I'm not saying those people are bad (y'all's feelings are valid), but this can easily burn the people-pleasing person out and make them resent avoidants. It also makes me, as an avoidant, feel worse because I don't want people to hurt themselves on me even more by disregarding their own needs and boundaries.
I think they're selfish in an unconscious way, not maliciously. And they don't ask for help, ever..they have become way too independent. Betrayed or let down too often in early childhood. But an Avoidant with no insight hasn't correlated any of this. We cannot change what we don't acknowledge.
Makes total sense. And also, I love your bracelet and that top!
Not limited to avoidant attachment, anxiously attached people can be super selfish.
My friend who’s anxiously attached (she found out through her therapist she’s been seeing for over 5 years) is very focused on her own needs when it comes to social interactions.
There might be 1-2 “how are you”s followed by 2-3 hours of venting and looking for advice (this happening across multiple hangouts over the span of 6 months)
Selfishness mainly comes down to social skills and social awareness.
this👆🏼💯😔😟
Yes. Anxiously attached people often trust others to fulfil their needs and priorities - and some of them expect others to act and be like they imagine everything should be. Inclusive judging others.
And regarding both types, avoidents and anxious: when they refuse to look at themselves as the possible cause of the problem (everyone should do that - at least sometimes), then there is not much hope for the relationship (every kind of relationship).
@@AsianCurls so true
This is a well thought out observation. I’m a DA with a AA. We are both learning to meet in the middle versus thinking the worst of one another. It can be done. There is absolutely hope.
Also, a DA can act like an AA sometimes.. usually with codependency. It's a misconception that DA don't or can't have issues with codependency.
because they are, but to the anxious "Do not force anything" be reciprocal and fair, mostly with yourself.
It's always something. Just find something to do with your time besides pick others apart.
I almost got into my first relationship. I sobbed in the bathroom after one date asking myself “what does he want from me??” But I had really just decided I knew what he wanted and that I couldn’t give it. I gave him up too quickly. I didn’t even let myself get to know him. The thought of whatever made him ask me out dissapearing made me sabotage myself. I know I will not ask anyone out myself, so that was my only shor
Moral of the story, if you’re attracted to avoidants then you need to figure out why and change it
I demeaned myself for 4 years with one before I woke up and got out. Took him a month and a half to figure out what to say to get me to come back. Another 11 years and 3 kids later.. wouldn’t trade the kids for the world but my God he’s done/doing a number on us all.
All that to say I agree. Get. Out. Early.
@@BreaktheKarmicWheel Yes very true.
Anxious and avoidants are attracted to each other because they can heal each other if they're both willing to put in the work. Anxious can easily become enmeshed and codependent so they are drawn to the avoidant's independence. Meanwhile, avoidants are drawn to the anxious' ability to feel and share their feelings.
What winds up happening is that one or both people refuse to change, blame the other person for not changing, then feel like a victim.
@@sallyjrwjrw6766yes! I have seen this so many times!
I seem selfish because others can't see how hard I'm struggling to understand their needs. Not because I don't care, but because I care so much it's overwhelming.
I am avoidant but not selfish. I am an over giver and codependent.
It's very common to happen, the way out is inner healing, perhaps holistic therapy, and practicing self love. Then we don't lose ourselves trying to rescue someone else; not all those with huge needs have the best intentions, and they don't always truly cater for a partner (in the sense of caring about truly being there for them) so often it's just an outward show to make them look good and look like they're married, and get that status.
Wow! I understand now thanks, i am becoming different now that i am regulating my own emotions the way that works for me. I was just taught to stay quiet and act by people older. I am grateful for all the times i told myself to stop shutting up.
YES. people don't understand how even love can feel so suffocating and overwhelming.
That’s the way I feel I don’t like being what I call over loved
…and it is good that they don‘t, because that means that they‘re far away from the ultimate burden of feeling threatened by the Most beautiful thing in the world.
@derquerlenker1365 since when is oxytocin the most beautiful thing in the world? Lmao i used to be anxiously attached. Now I'm super avoidant. I prefer it because it seems more realistic than being lost in feelings like anxiously attached people are
@secretsiren6769 how does one form a relationship with such a person. I'm genuinely interested as I thing the person I like is avoidant
I think people confuse needs and love.. true love is loving oneself and the next person to the same extent and without strings attached
Understanding the motivations behind the behavior is really useful to the avoidant person and their loved ones, if it can help them heal and learn better ways of interacting with others. But the harm they may do still needs to be addressed and repaired as well. Their behavior looks selfish, because sometimes it is selfish. It’s okay to acknowledge that as well.
This is giving me a lot to think about...
I had relationship like that. It destroyed my life. I mean, it is my fault because I knew who I was dealing with but, as I was young, I thought "oh, I can change him!" and believed my love can solve anything. It can't and I should've left instead of letting that relationship destroy the best years of my life, my confidence, all the chances and promises I could have... Love does NOT solve everything. If it doesn't go, LEAVE!
This can actually be beneficial. Its a way to reflect and relize you need to focus on yourself before gettting into a relationship. I have always viewed it this way.
True and not true..
When we are over independent ( I am) I miss cues where people genuinely cared and wanted to really help...
@@earthrooster1969 yeah and most times we decline that help because we would rather be independent. Which isn't always a bad thing. But telling our self that it's ok to rely on others from time to time can help.
except they don't stay out of relationships, that's where the hate comes from. willingly misleading others for shirt term gain.
@@chloeindigo yeah they are uneducated. People who are logical and self aware tend to stay out. So I guess it would have to be biologically built in to the logical part of the brain. Or something that drives them to not be like their previous ex or parent that treated them neglected them in the past
As an anxious avoidant... I was with you all the way up to the final statement. I am not incapable of understanding the needs of others. If anything I understand those needs much better than I should. The problem for me is... I cannot even begin to meet peoples needs on a consistent basis. I have too many needs of my own. In fairness, I'm not just anxious avoidant. I have an alphabet soup of complex diagnosis.
Isn't it more of if I don't prioritise myself, no one will meet my needs?
That’s me I basically took care of myself. I am #10 of 14 with a mother who was overwhelmed with so many mouths to feed and an alcoholic abusive father. I always felt that I was lost amongst so many people. I always like to find my own space and don’t like to depend on anyone.
They are extremely selfish. That’s what extremely selfish is. It’s rooted in disassociation from other people. They understand it but they don’t want to “give”. It’s much easier to be selfish. So that’s their choice. Giving creates attachments. Taking or “receiving” does not.
Associating with others that were suppose to be trusted but were traumatic... avoidance is a coping mechanism acquired as a survival instinct as a child.
You want to give and be in a relationship, however if all you know is that interaction with people has caused psychological injuries. You have no choice but to isolated to protect yourself because no one else ever did.
😮😮Very Very True😊😮😮😢😢😂😂younger sister since childhood😂😂❤ohh myy bhagwaan ji. Thank you Dr ❤❤Love n Regards...From Bharat India❤❤😊
My mother is like that and it drives me crazy
I used to think I was avoidant, but I actually put in the effort to meet halfway. However, when I realize that my efforts aren’t valued, I naturally distance myself.
That’s why I don’t consider myself avoidant-it’s simply a matter of how I respond to things, without fitting into any labels.
I think this information is sooo important for people who get frustrated or angry with their avoidantly connecting partner. They are behaving out of fear and not because they don't love you or don't want to be with you.
It needs to be placed in the context of explaining behaviours along with other traits. Avoidance and withdrawal are deliberately used by some as controlling behaviour. Those who wish to be authentic, supporting partners will be open to constructive criticism and personal growth.
It is exactly because they don‘t love you or don’t want to be with you, because you don’t avoid something you love and that’s on Period
I usually avoid getting too close because if someone shows me a lot of affection or even love, I can't feel my own emotions anymore, or my own needs. I mostly focus on the other person's behaviour, try to sense their needs and feel the urge to meet them. Because I feel like that's my purpose in the relationship. Putting the other one's needs above my own to make them happy.
And that is soooo exhausting. So, sometimes when it's too much and I lose touch with my own feelings or needs, I need to distance myself because I almost feel panic as I don't know how to balance my own needs and those of the other person, or even how to separate my feelings from what I think are the feelings of my spouse. So the only way to hear my inner voice again is to seek distance.
@@derquerlenker1365 absolutely not true. As avoidant, you can avoid people you love even more than others, while feeling terrible about it, but you just can't change your behaviour (or at least you think that you can't).
@@derquerlenker1365oh my gosh, can you please go to therapy instead of trying to dehumanize any PERSON that doesn’t have the specific version of an anxious attachment style you have. Maybe that’s the real reason why the relationship you allude to in other comments I see you make, failed.
Like my goodness, I’m not sometimes avoidant because I’m some inhuman evil creature. Im avoidant because I was emotionally and physically abused as a child, physically abused in my adulthood, had my emotions made fun of and used against me in my interpersonal relationships when I was open with them,had inappropriate and overwhelming levels of emotional and physical expectations dumped on me by emotionally unregulated adults from a young age/had no genuine privacy, had my physical and emotional boundaries mowed down constantly and had been betrayed and neglected A LOT. People with other attachment styles other than just anxious attachment are human beings equally too, not just you. Also nobody is just one attachment style all the time anyway, it fluctuates depending on the situation, yeah sure some lean on one a little bit more than the others, but no one’s one attachment style ALL THE TIME.
Yup. My therapist said two good things to me once. Don't look for shrimp in a hardware store & lower your expectations of other or don't have any. Don't think they have the same heart as you.
I think this is oversimplified. I definitely lean to an avoidant attachment style but I put my families and partners needs above my own in many many ways. This video makes it sound like we can’t love when we absolutely can and do. The way I am avoidant is by putting others first so that I’m not seen. My focus is on them. I’d much rather be invisible and for everyone else to be happy so there is no conflict around me. Then I feel safe. Healthy? Definitely not. Working on it? Every day.
I love the nuance in your response and you elaboration of avoidance of self/being seen. Some things that can be perceived as avoidance aren't actually avoidance. There are so many layers to perception.
Mostly agree. The sticking point is that with far too many women they claim to want to see your vulnerability, yet as soon as you show an inkling of it, the either friendzone you or weaponize your emotions and what you say, to be used against you when it suits them. When you walk away, they cry and moan that there are no more good men left. Not true; they are just someone else’s boyfriend or husband.
It’s because it is the most safe. I will never let myself down, as opposed to everyone else.
Absolutely! Only we know what is safe for us after years of living on survival mode, people pleasing etc...most of which children in healthy homes figure out at a very young age..
By the time we figure it out, it's too late and we are quite set in our ways...
But hopefully we learn to become more open to healing
I don't know that it's about selfishness as much as a sense of self-preservation. At one point they were very open and vulnerable but it resulted in too much harm. Some of us desperately want the closeness we push away.
I'd rather be selfish than be let down over and over and over and over and over and over again when asking for help. I learned to put myself first and count on myself first because no one is going to come and save me. I also need a LOT of alone time to recharge. Which I am not sorry for. I will say, though, as I age I am a lot more open and vulnerable in relationships.
I feel you hard. I have no faith in humanity even coming to my aid after 5 years of homelessness, and this year I have a roof but no support and no aid- so it doesn't feel far off. This world is cold and cruel. Despite her getting it sometimes, other times I feel like she can just be so insensitive and oblivious to our day to day struggles.
I'd rather not be selfish. Some humans can be despicable, but how I act is based on me, not based on them.
That was my lesson from severe childhood trauma. I won't let my adulthood also be stolen from me.
Same for me like I'm getting better over time but I get so lonely especially now that mom and dad are gone.
No one is going to be willing, or even know, to help you if you are always self centered....
Thank you this is so true wow unbelievable thank you for all this free information you're wonderful
Have you ever noticed that everyone is appalled by child abuse, until the abused child becomes an adult who hasn’t learned how to function properly?
And then suddenly everyone is equally appalled that someone who was abused as a child didn’t magically learn to overcome their trauma and be a fully functioning adult the moment they turned 18.
This comments section shows the devastating lack of compassion most humans have. And the best part is how most of the hatred comes from self confessed ‘selflessly’ anxiously attached people.
@@ToniSturrs Magically? No. It takes a lot of inner work that many refuse to do, but instead continue to harm others in their wake. Not 18 year olds, sweetie. Try 70 year olds. If you want to continue giving people a pass and accept their pitiful behavior, "just say so" and enjoy your life with them.
@@JETTSTACHIor avoid them 🤷🏼♀️ see how it's both sides that have to take just as much responsibility accordingly for own actions. It's annoying when people equate anxiety with empathy. They are different things entirely; and anxiety is really about what one does with it, whether utilizing it for good or for evil.
We can all have sympathy for a child, as adults we become responsible for our own actions. Its not a licence to abuse others.
@@JETTSTACHI You have no idea what goes on in the head of another person so you have no idea what they are refusing to do. Your comments seem particularly vitriolic in a feed FULL of vitriolic comments. Someone seems to have really hurt you and you, either accurately or inaccurately, attribute their behavior to having an avoidant attachment style so you seem to have decided that entitles you to unleash your vitriol on anyone you deem a member of your target group. Everyone out here is just trying to make it in the world. Some hurt people more than others and some you need to stay away from. But, I'll be honest with you, responding as I've seen you and others on here respond is causing harm which makes you/them no different from the people they are attacking. I don't really see any evidence that AA types have much empathy and I know many FA/DA types who have a lot of it. Just something to think about.
I was watching this clip on my TV/Roku and came on my computer just to respond to you. I can't tell you how much I love the comments of yours I've read. I say what you said here all the time, we ACT so appalled by child abuse yet demonize the people once they are adults who are having difficulty in many if not most areas of their lives as a result. Lack of compassion is correct and many on here need to be look inward at themselves instead of attacking others. I believe you can get better, but it doesn't happen instantly, it can take a lifetime, and you just have to continue to do better as you know better. Many on here want to attack the DA type without the self-reflection to realize they are showing the exact type of lack of empathy they claim the DA types are showing. Doesn't do much for their credibility. I'm older and I suspect many on here are in their early adulthood so they have yet to learn some of these things. I can happily say it does get better with age. I'm not in a romantic relationship based on trauma that happened as a child and also once I reached adulthood with men, but I have developed some very good friendships and am still learning that you have to curate them as well. The more I learn this the better the friendships I'm allowing into my life have become. Do I wish I learned some of these things earlier? Of course. But I'm learning them and that's what matters. I've found great solace in animals throughout my life and I now think I'm FINALLY getting the hang of making better friends after some have disappointed me greatly but I realize I hadn't learned how to filter the wrong-people-for-me out (because no one ever taught me how; things take longer when you have to figure them out for yourself which is one of many reasons why good parenting is so important). Sorry for such a long response to your comment but I think what you say is SO true and commend you for seeing under the surface and not knee-jerking to the easy answer of "this type is just selfish".
I think this is very true. I want to love and be vulnerable, but never fee emitionally safe or conneced.
I don’t have the “inability” to adhere to anyone else’s needs, it’s that I have no desire to. And especially with people who don’t deserve it. The tricky part is when I come across someone who I feel does and the anxiety surrounding the need for vulnerability takes over and stresses me out, so I keep my distance.
This is what I've done to my son... And it breaks my heart. Especially since I know this and he has become distant me. My heart cries out to him but yet I don't know how to go forward in helping him when he doesn't seem to know he even needs the help. I didn't know I needed to help, and now he doesn't
Avoid avoidants at all costs if you have anxious attachment!!!!
I learned the hard way 😢
I feel your pain.. people with anxuous attachments tend attract people with an avoidant attachment style
Understanding the root cause of their behaviour doesn’t make it less selfish and neglectful.
When they come always first, they do not look selfish, they ARE selfish!
To me, being avoidant is my biggest childhood wound. I grew up never expressing my needs and even to this day, I feel extremely uncomfortable asking the closest people to me for help. I try my best though to be there for everyone when they need me because I always feel like I owe them an apology for not being as present in their lives. I like spending most of my time alone because its how i feel the safest and most alive and it hurts me that people take that as if I dont want to spend time with them or dont love them enough to spend more time with them. Its exhausting. As a kid, i was praised for staying out of the way, for being quiet and for just doing as I was told. I was praised for never crying or having any sort of negative outward emotion. I was the extremely good, obedient, easy kid. But inside, I was hypersensitive. I adjusted myself to everyones mood and needs. If i felt someone needed to laugh, I would make jokes, if they needed me to stay quiet and not talk much, I would become mute. Its something i still do to this day, so you can imagine how spending time with anyone, even a stranger could be a lot mentally. When im with others, I feel like im always focus on them, trying to see how they are feeling and what they might want from me so my avoidance is more about limiting my interactions with others so that i can have space to think about me. And my biggest issue is that people say they want to be there for you, want you to open up and the minute you are honest about how you feel like you cannot be fully yourself around others and you feel like you can only rely on you, people take that personally, will say how much they try and you dont let them be there for you and somehow, its always about the other and how much you hurt them. And i completely understand but how is that not selfish? I crave deep connection, who would want to feel so alone in the world? Its not a choice, its a trauma response. I live with guilt of not loving people hard enough when really, all I do is think of their needs and how can I satisfy everyone while also giving me the space my soul needs to feel safe and good. I dont ask anyone for anything, except for space. And I know its not fair but I dont know how else to be in this world.
That’s great. And they are adults who either have to work on this or deal with the consequences. People use it as an excuse, it’s the explanation not the answer
Exactly