It really feels like a privilege watching these uploads. Watching you decide who you want to be, explore, and become in real time is kind of a surreal experience. Thank you for being so vulnerable, brave, and all around badass. 💙✨
Sometimes I get so choked up listening to the stuff you wrote when you were young, because it's so clear that you were incredibly lonely and using your relationship with God as a replacement for real connections. And that's such a sad thing for a child to go through. I'm glad you're out and able to build the relationships you were searching for.
I really want to thank you for articulating something I haven't been able to before. "It's so clear that you were incredibly lonely and using your relationship with God as a replacement for real connections" - I just. Wow.
I’m a musician with degrees in music education and music therapy, and I must say, just listening to the first song, when the lyrical content is stripped away and I listen to only the melody, I’m super impressed that a second grader wrote that! Like if one of my students brought that to me, I’d be blown away. Also, I specifically mention removing the lyrics not because I think they’re bad. I just know the context of your trauma and upbringing so it seemed moot to me. The music therapist in me also thinks if I had a client with a similar background, a lyric rewrite of this song *could* be beneficial depending on goals we were working on and client recovery/comfort level. I’d frame it as a way of continued empowerment. Sorry for the rambling 😅 the therapeutic value just hit me
I’ve got a music ed degree too and I fully agree! If one of my second graders composed a fully orchestrated song like you did, even though you say it’s only in your head, I’d be shocked! And begging that kid to be in my choir or Orff group lol. You are a natural musician Elly! If you do decide to rewrite it, and if you know how to, I think you should try out notating what you hear in your head in something like noteflight to really bring it to life!
It just astounds me the pressure that is placed on young children in the fundie world. So much responsibility placed on such young and innocent shoulders. 🙁
Dude, as an ex-fundie myself, your channel is probably my favorite on TH-cam. You're such a brave badass and it's a pleasure to have the opportunity to see and listen to you grow
@@Pfpfpfpfpf2020 Most conservative evangelicals don't believe Catholics are true Christians because of a deep difference in theology on how people get to heaven. I heard sermons in fundy churches calling the Catholic Church the "Whore of Babylon". It all boils down to whose interpretation of a Bronze Age holy book you believe.
Right! What is that holier than thou attitude between the religious folk? As a child hearing the adults slip in those comments made me fear the other kids of my town. So much sin, satan and weakness all around us that my inner self told me something wasn’t right.
@@Pfpfpfpfpf2020 I dont exactly like Catholics (I'm Protestant) and it's mainly because Catholicism forces you to pay your way into the church and they believe that works is the only way you get into heaven. Which isn't how the whole Christianity thing works. Also the Pope is inherently unbiblical.
As someone raised super Catholic, I would LOVE to hear about your anti Catholic upbringing. Roast us, please!!! Hahaha. Another great video, thanks for sharing your music with us, it’s really fun to hear about. I literally burst out laughing at the “you are my uncle” song lyric like, the minds of children are so funny hahaha.
At my church Sunday school around middle school age we had to come up with a list of people at school we could evangelize and come back each week with updates on who we chatted with, what we said and talk through any better rebuttals/ responses we could have said.
It always astounds me the sheer number of creative talents you have. You filmed and edited videos before TH-cam was even a thing, you play guitar, you write songs, you sing really well. I almost want to say, don’t keep this girl’s talents hidden within the world of fundamentalism! They need to be heard! Even though I guess you do use all those talents to heal from the trauma that fundamentalism brought. ❤❤❤
I think it's really telling that you worked so hard to evangelize that uncle you must have really enjoyed his company for it to weigh on your heart so heavily. I'm so glad to hear that he's someone who you've been able to stay in contact with and you can have an adult relationship with now. That's really special.
I think some of the these could literally be recorded by christian musicians. Also, I would totally watch the video on anti-Catholic sentiment / “the wrong kind of Christians”. That’s fascinating. I’d also love a video about your relationships with the family members you sought to evangelize now, do you guys laugh about this now or was it deeply hurtful for them to watch these children being so brainwashed?
I notice too how when you have to say something along the lines of "god isn't real" outloud, you hesitate for a half second, and then say it in a more hushed tone. When I noticed you do this it resonated with me. I still feel like saying it outloud is so heavy and damning almost, even though I'm a complete atheist.
I grew up Catholic there's a group called recovering Catholic. I was able to come back to it. Your song is beautiful. I pray one day you can give God another shot.
Content aside, it's so cool that you were such a prolific songwriter at a young age, and of such developed songs with musical arrangements in your head
That first song sounds *so much* like the worship music we used to sing in church. It’s got all the elements: simple beat that’s easy for people to get the hang of, repeated catch phrase (“just you and me”), bridge full of disjointed Christian buzzwords, etc. You definitely understood the assignment back then!
Wow, this is brave. I don't know if I could share my childhood writings like that. Clearly your true path is that of a songwriter. What we do for pleasure when we're little, that's our bliss.
I so understand the feeling as a child of being worried for the souls of friends and family. I had a friend that didn't go to church from school that I really tried to evangelize to. Eventually, one day I brought that up in sunday school. That I know she was a good person and I didn't understand why she had to go to hell just because she didn't go to church. The teacher responded that that was the voice of satan inside of me. I think that was the day that I truly began to doubt. I remember talking to the youth pastor, asking why people are destined to go to hell (since god knows our whole path from birth) and never got a satisfying answer. Nowadays, my main questions that keep me from believing in god are 1. I can't believe in a god that claims to be benevolent in a world full of suffering and 2. I find the idea of original sin and humanity continuing to be punished for the sins of our forefathers extremely childish on god's part. Like, if you create an immortal being with free will, statistically, they are going to express that free will. In an infinite timeline, all probabilities become 100%. If he is truly all-knowing, wouldn't he know that? Now I see religion as nothing more than purposefully indulging in delusion. But I understand it. Believing in something is comforting. And I don't begrudge people that comfort. Whatever you need to do to survive this life. Just don't use it as an excuse to hurt others.
I definitely also wrote Christian songs around the second grade age. You have more more writing talent than I did, haha. I relate to a lot of your childhood stories.
As long as your little pig wasn’t diseased (like with rabies) it was totally safe. Especially so soon after her passing. No worries about that. Still, so traumatizing, I’m sorry you had to experience this.
Please do a video about the anti-Catholic thought process in fundamentalism! I had some Protestant friends in my early 20s when I was practicing Catholicism who didn’t like what I chose as my religion. I never understood why they didn’t like Catholicism!
This would be so interesting to me personally because growing up as an evangelical fundie christian I definitely remember people in my church having a very specific attitude toward Catholics and Catholicism in general. At the time I didn't see that it was pervasive and not just the church I went to.
elly, at 12:35 hell YES! there is the sense of personal responsibility for the very soul of others continually indoctrinated into the very being of evengelical children and its so overwhelming! so happy to be free of that.
Right. I remember that too. And all our actions had to be basically perfect too to "be a good example" to nonbelievers of Christianity. Words and actions all had to attract them to Christ (they were in terrible danger and didn't know). Ouch.
It is so heart-wrenching and despicable how family bonds become one more tool of manipulation for high control groups. I was raised JW, and currently shunned by family.
I was raised in a pretty similar way to you. I'm a music teacher now. I feel like you are so talented you have come up with melody and lyrics at such a young age and that you still are able to remember the melodies after so long. In my experience, that is pretty unusual with children that age. Lots of kids that age make up little songs that they sing, but not many right down lyrics and a memorable melody with rhymes and structure. Maybe you should consider taking voice or piano lessons at some point now that you're an adult and see if you can cultivate that talent which no one fostered for you when you were a child.
I find it interesting how two people can have similar experiences but come out with two different views. Like your younger self I want to be a vet (more specifically I want to be a technician). I recently lost a kitten my mom brought home. Her tail was broken at the spine and she had no anal tone. Basically, she couldn’t go to the bathroom, even when we stimulated her. It was painful for her and the emergency vet said she had no chance of a good quality of life and there was nothing to be done to help her. So we put her down (and it was the first time I had to even truly decide to put a pet down), and she quite literally died in my arms. I don’t know if she was so small they couldn’t put her to sleep before giving her the medicine to stop her heart but it was an ordeal. Still, were you said that experience steered you away from becoming a vet I think mine strengthened my resolve. I still plan on going into Vet Medicine 2 my senior year, and I still plan to take my SAE for the class seriously. I still am looking for vet programs and things I could possibly join to help out my vet career. It’s just so interesting how people have different reactions even in similar situations.
What a great upload! What a beautiful person you are! This first song has been an earworm for me since I viewed it. So yeah, maybe you need to think about writing some more freeing songs about recovery from religion.
The guilt about evangelizing … oof. My best friend’s mom died when I was still on the fudie side of things, and my first thought was that she was going to hell and it was all my fault for not convincing her to go to church. I felt so so so guilty about it. I’m just glad I knew better than to bring any of that up to my friend
You totally just unlocked a memory for me! I wrote my first song (worship song, obvs) in second grade too and gave it to the church worship pastor with the full expectation that he would play it on a Sunday morning....he did not lol
Please do a video about the fundie view of Catholics! Also, as a former Catholic, it is fascinating to me that none of your videos has ever mentioned Mary. The whole “mother of God” thing was always very present during Mass and Sunday school, but it doesn’t seem like she has that big a role in most evangelical belief systems? Which strikes me as odd, considering the obsession with (female) virginity.
Yes, evangelicals differ with Catholics on a few topics and Mary is a big one. They don't believe she was sinless, stayed a virgin, or has any power to pray for sinners.
@@onegirlarmy4401 That's true of Protestants in general, not just evangelicals. In Sunday school in a fairly progressive mainstream Protestant church, I hardly ever remember Mary being mentioned outside of the Christmas story.
As a former catholic myself, I've learned that protestants across the board believe catholics "worship mary" and that's a big no-no bc there's only one god. I used to be all like, noooo we REVERE mary. But honestly now that I'm an atheist, they do have a point lol.
Elly, I always come away from your videos feeling like I've learned something new about fundamentalism and the way it changes peoples' lives. You give such an honest, nuanced take of what it's like to have been a fundie and I feel like so many people could benefit from your insights and the grace you give your younger self. (Side note, wish there was a way to say 'give grace' that didn't have religious connotations, but I feel like the concept of giving yourself the benefit of the doubt and approaching everyone with kindness and respect is something that should transcend religion.) Hope you're well!
Wow, you are so talented Elly! That’s impressive, especially for a second grader! I’ve written songs too, with the melody and how I wanted it to sound in my head, but didn’t have the ability to put it to music. I wrote them as an adult though.
You’re very talented. I know you’re really trying to move away from things that trigger, but being able to hear and compose is something special. You’re a natural, maybe one day you’ll be on the radio!
god, the pressure to evangelize to my dad!! i hated it so much i remember feeling like i was gonna throw up every time i brought it up to him, but my mom and people at the church would not stop telling me to do it.
12:20 I went to middle school with a girl who was being raised Pentecostal. I swear I remember her crying at lunch because we, her friends, would go to Hell if we didn't believe in God the way her parents did. I wasn't even anti-religious yet - I was Catholic! She was 13. I would imagine that being taught to evangelize would create a sense of guilt if you didn't successfully convert people, like maybe you weren't trying hard enough.
I went on an ex Jehovah Witness Channel and I remember somebody's comment that always made me sad. The person who wrote the comment wasn't the Jehovah Witness. The the comment about her best friend that was a Jehovah Witness she grow up with. She used to have secret birthdays and secret Christmases for her. In order for her JW to be friends with her, her JW friend had to pretend to be trying to evangelize her and bring her to the hall. When her friend turned 18 she left home and she never saw her again.
Please tell us more about the Catholicism thing! I was raised almost the exact way you were but we were Catholic homeschoolers! Thank you so much for all you do🧡
It's maybe wild (that you pet your guinea pig on the way home), but it was part of your grieving (whether sanitary or not), just like your song. It's sad, but very touching, you loved this little guinea pig.
The songs/stories about your uncle and your Guinea Pig really resonated with me. Despite going to a Christian school and my family going to church nearly even Sunday (till about high school when we just stopped), my dad was not religious. This was really traumatic for my sister (who was really young at the time) who BEGGED him to become a Christian at a public restaurant, which he awkwardly refused to do. I understood that, while it wasn't "good" that he wasn't a Christian, I didn't feel it would be right for God to send a guy to hell, who sent his kids to a Christian church and tithed, despite not believing. On a related note, I had a classmate who's grandparents were Catholic, which my school did not recognize as "true Christians." This kid was mortified at the idea of his grandparents going to hell. He also believe that he would one day have to fight his grandparents in a final battle between God and his followers and Satan and every non-Christian. That's a truly terrifying and heartbreaking belief. I was also raised to believe that animals did not go to Heaven. My mom still, to this day, has this completely invented Bible verse that cannot be found anywhere in it, where she says that the Bible says "God has just created animals for us to enjoy here on the earth." I remember asking about this after my childhood pets (a Chinese Shar-Pei named Benny and two cats named Gus and Toby) died within a few years of each other. That literally made me feel worse about their deaths! I remember thinking that if animals weren't in Heaven, it must not be all that great after all (start of my deconstruction? Perhaps). Thank you as always for sharing :)
Wow, thank you Elly, this was awesome. I also grew up in a fundamental environment and also wrote songs like that. So totally understand how these songs came to life!
I love your videos Elly, thank you for being so vulnerable and kindhearted in them. I love watching you while I work, and in this video you especially reminded me of myself as a child. I appreciate you sharing your stories and parts of your life with us. Wishing you the best !
Love the "stay at home daughter" song. I am a few years older than you and at the beginning of the early 2000's conservative resurgence. All your journal reading makes me want to dig out the old books and dreg up the past (haha).
I just am always struck by how you seem throughout your writings to be seeking God to combat your loneliness and isolation. I think that's common in the Fundie experience. You and other children are cleaving to Jesus like other kids would have imaginary friends. To be clear I don't equate all believers or religious people to having this dynamic. But especially with the Charismatic aspects, the conflating of Jesus with all of our internal voice or conscience voice. Or as that imaginary friend dynamic. Due to that culture of exclusion and isolation.
I thought the first song was very cute! I wrote some songs as a religious kid as well and some of them are definitely pretty cringe. I applaud your putting these out there!
Hey Ellie, I love all your videos and really appreciate your vulnerability, and you have a really lovely voice! I would be very interested in a video about the anti-catholicism if you ever decide to do one. I had a strict catholic upbringing, but never felt connected to the religion, much to the chagrin of my dad lol. Take care!
I've been watching your videos and find them really shocking and also oddly comforting. I grew up as a Metis Canadian in a catholic school hearing all these things day after day, all the times I was told that I just needed to pray and be a good Christian girl and when my health went crazy, that God was just showing how much he loved he or whatever nonsense it was that day Also, to maybe give you a bit of peace looking about om Squeakers ❤️ petting any pet we love so much after they've died is not dangerous or gross. I know it's really not important in the grande scheme of things and within the scope of everything else in the video (as if your mother force fed you!!!!) Just thought it might help you looking back and knowing that it's normal, especially for kids, to want to provide comfort even it they can't feel it
In regards to your fish comment, I just wanted to say that, for most passionate fishkeepers, we really do see our fish as pets on the same level of a cat or a dog. Fish like bettas and even goldfish can have unique, individual personalities that really let you bond with them. They're a lot smarter than people give them credit for. We love our fish even if we can't interact with them on the same level as a cat or a dog. Losing a fish like a betta or a goldfish, let alone wiping out an entire aquarium on accident, can honestly be as traumatic as losing any mammal, reptile, or avian companion. Fish may not be as interactive as other pets, but we still see them as part of the family. Honestly, one of the most traumatic things in fishkeeping that you can do is have to put down a fish on your own. Being in the room with a pet that dies can be traumatic enough for anybody. Now imagine having to be the one to _do_ it by your own hand. It's incredibly upsetting and people _legitimately_ grieve over losing fish. Most people see it as "just a fish," but for somebody that's dedicated so much time, money, and care into learning about the hobby, it's never "just a fish." Losing pets of _any_ sort can be legitimately traumatic and upsetting.
Thank you for sharing this! I apologize to you and any other fishkeepers I may have hurt with my comment. Going forward, I will be much more respectful when speaking about fish as pets.
@@ExFundieDiaries Honestly, I wasn't really upset. I was just offering another perspective. I've been into the aquatics hobby for the better part of a decade (7+ years) so I just thought I'd share an insider's perspective on how passionate people do view fish. For most people, fish are little more than decorations or pets to be thrown away. But for those of us that are _really_ passionate about the hobby, it'll never be "just a fish." Each individual life is precious to us because we put so much time, dedication, and care into making the best environments we possibly can for the species we choose. We research, adjust, and do so much to make sure our little finned friends live the best lives possible.
I never really had a bad experience during my time being christian, we weren't really Christian though, we just went to church. But once I changed my religion everyone in my family supported me and was very understanding about it. I wish you didn't have to go through a fundie childhood.
i would love to hear more about the anti-catholicism, i definitely experienced that as a mexican catholic around a bunch of evangelicals. it was interesting to see the ways it showed up in social situations and with classmates. definitely both a racial and religiously informed experience, but I'd love to hear the other side.
Which only lasted till I was homeless at 25 and got to live at my aunt’s place on the condition that I went to fundie church with her. She was trying to save my soul or whatever, but it literally was that final straw that led to me getting out of Christianity altogether
you have such a beautiful voice! that was so nice you were a very talented little kid I hate that you felt like you needed to express it solely religiously
the sheer guilt and pain i felt over something so natural like masturbation..... if you haven't done a video on the shame cycle specifically about masturbation, i would really love to see your perspective!!!
I love your content. Do you have anything on how you got over your fear of hell? I was Catholic so we were taught you can lose salvation, which is different from evangelicals.
When you wrote that 'just you and me song' If i could ask, how were you feeling Did anyone tell you you need to write those songs. They sound like they were really from your heart and genuine.
I wrote a cringey worship song when I was ten that haunts me on loop in my head to this day as a 26 year old lmao. I actually wrote it in a journal I bought with Awana Dollars so that tracks with that time in my life haha
hey I have a trigger around FF too. yes that would be extremely traumatic to see. also probably not effective-- anesthetize and IV fluids. but because of money, no one even suggests workaround measures for not traumatizing kids/animals (not saying you could have done anything).
Yeah like child me was just writing for the theraputic value but I wasn't thinking of saving it all for an entire anthology of my life. But maybe best I didn't since I'm sure its content was cringe 😅
"Knocking at your heart" sounds like it could have an alternate meaning of the person trying to protect themselves from a home invader lol. Seriously though, kind of interesting as an analogy for how most of us now will view that kind of worldview
Your channel is highly validating, I can relate to your experiences. Sending a big hug! I am not sure if you have any knowledge or experience with the “keepers at home” Christian “Girl Scout” group that teaches young girls how to be a house wife? I’ve been trying to find a video of people who were involved in the group, no luck so far
"Grace" is not a Christian word. And they use it incorrectly. Grace is theologically defined as "unmerited or unearned favor". But in Christianity one must accept Jesus' sacrifice in order to gain that grace. Acceptance is an act, an overt mental act. So salvation is not "grace". And you are a graceful person by nature.
When I went through my agnostic years, I didn't have a lot of pleasant dreams. I was giving a message to my believing friends and family trying to get them to question their faith, trying to make them become doubters. In my dreams, I was committing theft and worse. I think my conscience was trying to tell me that I was wrong. The crimes in my dreams represented what was going on in the spiritual realm in my life.
“But I cannot call you my everlasting uncle” nearly spit my water. It’s adorable and hilarious at the same time
It really feels like a privilege watching these uploads. Watching you decide who you want to be, explore, and become in real time is kind of a surreal experience. Thank you for being so vulnerable, brave, and all around badass. 💙✨
Sometimes I get so choked up listening to the stuff you wrote when you were young, because it's so clear that you were incredibly lonely and using your relationship with God as a replacement for real connections. And that's such a sad thing for a child to go through. I'm glad you're out and able to build the relationships you were searching for.
I really want to thank you for articulating something I haven't been able to before. "It's so clear that you were incredibly lonely and using your relationship with God as a replacement for real connections" - I just. Wow.
Same. And I can relate somewhat.
Well this comment just called me out super hard.
@@terendril haha, sorry for the unintentional read.
@@ciarancooper394 😆 Lol it's good for me
I’m a musician with degrees in music education and music therapy, and I must say, just listening to the first song, when the lyrical content is stripped away and I listen to only the melody, I’m super impressed that a second grader wrote that! Like if one of my students brought that to me, I’d be blown away.
Also, I specifically mention removing the lyrics not because I think they’re bad. I just know the context of your trauma and upbringing so it seemed moot to me. The music therapist in me also thinks if I had a client with a similar background, a lyric rewrite of this song *could* be beneficial depending on goals we were working on and client recovery/comfort level. I’d frame it as a way of continued empowerment. Sorry for the rambling 😅 the therapeutic value just hit me
I’ve got a music ed degree too and I fully agree! If one of my second graders composed a fully orchestrated song like you did, even though you say it’s only in your head, I’d be shocked! And begging that kid to be in my choir or Orff group lol. You are a natural musician Elly! If you do decide to rewrite it, and if you know how to, I think you should try out notating what you hear in your head in something like noteflight to really bring it to life!
A good idea. Very shamanic. Change your story, change your life.
Agreed 💯👍
Yes! You can definitely tell she was paying close attention to how worship songs are structured. Very impressive she was able to absorb that.
Ngl, if my niece sang that to me, it’d break my heart. So glad you and your uncle have a good, healthy relationship now. Religion can be so poisonous.
It just astounds me the pressure that is placed on young children in the fundie world. So much responsibility placed on such young and innocent shoulders. 🙁
Dude, as an ex-fundie myself, your channel is probably my favorite on TH-cam. You're such a brave badass and it's a pleasure to have the opportunity to see and listen to you grow
Could you please do a video on how evangelicals really dislike Catholics ?
Yes what is up with that lol
@@Pfpfpfpfpf2020 Most conservative evangelicals don't believe Catholics are true Christians because of a deep difference in theology on how people get to heaven. I heard sermons in fundy churches calling the Catholic Church the "Whore of Babylon". It all boils down to whose interpretation of a Bronze Age holy book you believe.
Seems like a very 16th century thing to be concerned about. Lol
Right! What is that holier than thou attitude between the religious folk? As a child hearing the adults slip in those comments made me fear the other kids of my town. So much sin, satan and weakness all around us that my inner self told me something wasn’t right.
@@Pfpfpfpfpf2020 I dont exactly like Catholics (I'm Protestant) and it's mainly because Catholicism forces you to pay your way into the church and they believe that works is the only way you get into heaven. Which isn't how the whole Christianity thing works. Also the Pope is inherently unbiblical.
As someone raised super Catholic, I would LOVE to hear about your anti Catholic upbringing. Roast us, please!!! Hahaha.
Another great video, thanks for sharing your music with us, it’s really fun to hear about. I literally burst out laughing at the “you are my uncle” song lyric like, the minds of children are so funny hahaha.
I remember that pressure to win over all "unsaved" friends and family.
At my church Sunday school around middle school age we had to come up with a list of people at school we could evangelize and come back each week with updates on who we chatted with, what we said and talk through any better rebuttals/ responses we could have said.
@@morganadvantures WTF!
Yea.. it feels really validating to have this channel address this. Elly is great!
It always astounds me the sheer number of creative talents you have. You filmed and edited videos before TH-cam was even a thing, you play guitar, you write songs, you sing really well. I almost want to say, don’t keep this girl’s talents hidden within the world of fundamentalism! They need to be heard! Even though I guess you do use all those talents to heal from the trauma that fundamentalism brought. ❤❤❤
Honestly your songwriting ability was pretty impressive for 2nd/3rd grade. Also you have a very pleasant voice.
I think it's really telling that you worked so hard to evangelize that uncle you must have really enjoyed his company for it to weigh on your heart so heavily. I'm so glad to hear that he's someone who you've been able to stay in contact with and you can have an adult relationship with now. That's really special.
I think some of the these could literally be recorded by christian musicians.
Also, I would totally watch the video on anti-Catholic sentiment / “the wrong kind of Christians”. That’s fascinating. I’d also love a video about your relationships with the family members you sought to evangelize now, do you guys laugh about this now or was it deeply hurtful for them to watch these children being so brainwashed?
EVERYBODYS MEAN THEYRE DRINKING BEER ON THE PARTY SCENE
Amazing work, 7th grade elly!
I notice too how when you have to say something along the lines of "god isn't real" outloud, you hesitate for a half second, and then say it in a more hushed tone. When I noticed you do this it resonated with me. I still feel like saying it outloud is so heavy and damning almost, even though I'm a complete atheist.
Ok but why does “just you and me” slap 😭😭
it really slaps.
I still get hymns stuck in my head out of nowhere...
I grew up Catholic there's a group called recovering Catholic. I was able to come back to it. Your song is beautiful. I pray one day you can give God another shot.
Content aside, it's so cool that you were such a prolific songwriter at a young age, and of such developed songs with musical arrangements in your head
That first song sounds *so much* like the worship music we used to sing in church. It’s got all the elements: simple beat that’s easy for people to get the hang of, repeated catch phrase (“just you and me”), bridge full of disjointed Christian buzzwords, etc.
You definitely understood the assignment back then!
Wow, this is brave. I don't know if I could share my childhood writings like that. Clearly your true path is that of a songwriter. What we do for pleasure when we're little, that's our bliss.
I so understand the feeling as a child of being worried for the souls of friends and family. I had a friend that didn't go to church from school that I really tried to evangelize to. Eventually, one day I brought that up in sunday school. That I know she was a good person and I didn't understand why she had to go to hell just because she didn't go to church. The teacher responded that that was the voice of satan inside of me.
I think that was the day that I truly began to doubt. I remember talking to the youth pastor, asking why people are destined to go to hell (since god knows our whole path from birth) and never got a satisfying answer. Nowadays, my main questions that keep me from believing in god are 1. I can't believe in a god that claims to be benevolent in a world full of suffering and 2. I find the idea of original sin and humanity continuing to be punished for the sins of our forefathers extremely childish on god's part. Like, if you create an immortal being with free will, statistically, they are going to express that free will. In an infinite timeline, all probabilities become 100%. If he is truly all-knowing, wouldn't he know that?
Now I see religion as nothing more than purposefully indulging in delusion. But I understand it. Believing in something is comforting. And I don't begrudge people that comfort. Whatever you need to do to survive this life. Just don't use it as an excuse to hurt others.
I’m watching this video while I’m playing with my Guinea pigs 😢 it broke my heart to hear your story about Squeakers ❤️
This is quite a climb from loneliness to desperation to guilt. It's good, musically, but wow. A very good look into your mind.
How healing courageous and authentic. Thank you ellie.
I find some of these to be very spiritual. You were communing. Lovely.
calling dibs on "fundie kid songbook" as a band name
May I be in your band? 🙏I Can't sing, but I can play the heck out of a triangle.
I definitely also wrote Christian songs around the second grade age. You have more more writing talent than I did, haha. I relate to a lot of your childhood stories.
As long as your little pig wasn’t diseased (like with rabies) it was totally safe. Especially so soon after her passing. No worries about that.
Still, so traumatizing, I’m sorry you had to experience this.
Please do a video about the anti-Catholic thought process in fundamentalism! I had some Protestant friends in my early 20s when I was practicing Catholicism who didn’t like what I chose as my religion. I never understood why they didn’t like Catholicism!
This would be so interesting to me personally because growing up as an evangelical fundie christian I definitely remember people in my church having a very specific attitude toward Catholics and Catholicism in general. At the time I didn't see that it was pervasive and not just the church I went to.
Same! (but in high school). They would say Catholics weren't Christians and that confused the hell out of me (pun most def intended).
elly, at 12:35 hell YES! there is the sense of personal responsibility for the very soul of others continually indoctrinated into the very being of evengelical children and its so overwhelming! so happy to be free of that.
Right. I remember that too. And all our actions had to be basically perfect too to "be a good example" to nonbelievers of Christianity. Words and actions all had to attract them to Christ (they were in terrible danger and didn't know). Ouch.
It is so heart-wrenching and despicable how family bonds become one more tool of manipulation for high control groups. I was raised JW, and currently shunned by family.
So sorry 😢.
I was raised in a pretty similar way to you. I'm a music teacher now. I feel like you are so talented you have come up with melody and lyrics at such a young age and that you still are able to remember the melodies after so long. In my experience, that is pretty unusual with children that age. Lots of kids that age make up little songs that they sing, but not many right down lyrics and a memorable melody with rhymes and structure. Maybe you should consider taking voice or piano lessons at some point now that you're an adult and see if you can cultivate that talent which no one fostered for you when you were a child.
I find it interesting how two people can have similar experiences but come out with two different views. Like your younger self I want to be a vet (more specifically I want to be a technician). I recently lost a kitten my mom brought home. Her tail was broken at the spine and she had no anal tone. Basically, she couldn’t go to the bathroom, even when we stimulated her. It was painful for her and the emergency vet said she had no chance of a good quality of life and there was nothing to be done to help her. So we put her down (and it was the first time I had to even truly decide to put a pet down), and she quite literally died in my arms. I don’t know if she was so small they couldn’t put her to sleep before giving her the medicine to stop her heart but it was an ordeal. Still, were you said that experience steered you away from becoming a vet I think mine strengthened my resolve. I still plan on going into Vet Medicine 2 my senior year, and I still plan to take my SAE for the class seriously. I still am looking for vet programs and things I could possibly join to help out my vet career. It’s just so interesting how people have different reactions even in similar situations.
Wow! Your songwriting ability as a young child was extraordinary.
Thank you for another wonderful video.
Wow Ellie! The stuff you wrote in 2nd grade is better than most of what you hear on Christian radio stations!
This channel is really helping me with my inner child/abuse deprogramming journey. Thank you for sharing with us !!
What a great upload! What a beautiful person you are! This first song has been an earworm for me since I viewed it. So yeah, maybe you need to think about writing some more freeing songs about recovery from religion.
The guilt about evangelizing … oof. My best friend’s mom died when I was still on the fudie side of things, and my first thought was that she was going to hell and it was all my fault for not convincing her to go to church. I felt so so so guilty about it. I’m just glad I knew better than to bring any of that up to my friend
You totally just unlocked a memory for me! I wrote my first song (worship song, obvs) in second grade too and gave it to the church worship pastor with the full expectation that he would play it on a Sunday morning....he did not lol
Also... Atheist Uncle is a killer band name!!
You look so good Elly!! You look happy and healthy
"They didn't like that I even metaphorically went to college."
i died 🤣
Elly 🥺🥺 thank you so much for your vulnerability. My heart goes out to little you
Please do a video about the fundie view of Catholics! Also, as a former Catholic, it is fascinating to me that none of your videos has ever mentioned Mary. The whole “mother of God” thing was always very present during Mass and Sunday school, but it doesn’t seem like she has that big a role in most evangelical belief systems? Which strikes me as odd, considering the obsession with (female) virginity.
Yes, evangelicals differ with Catholics on a few topics and Mary is a big one. They don't believe she was sinless, stayed a virgin, or has any power to pray for sinners.
@@onegirlarmy4401 That's true of Protestants in general, not just evangelicals. In Sunday school in a fairly progressive mainstream Protestant church, I hardly ever remember Mary being mentioned outside of the Christmas story.
As a former catholic myself, I've learned that protestants across the board believe catholics "worship mary" and that's a big no-no bc there's only one god. I used to be all like, noooo we REVERE mary. But honestly now that I'm an atheist, they do have a point lol.
Elly, I always come away from your videos feeling like I've learned something new about fundamentalism and the way it changes peoples' lives. You give such an honest, nuanced take of what it's like to have been a fundie and I feel like so many people could benefit from your insights and the grace you give your younger self. (Side note, wish there was a way to say 'give grace' that didn't have religious connotations, but I feel like the concept of giving yourself the benefit of the doubt and approaching everyone with kindness and respect is something that should transcend religion.) Hope you're well!
Please make a video on anti-Catholicism in fundamentalism! I was Catholic for a majority of my life and I never understood the resentment!
You can sing so well! Your videos mean so much to me!
Wow, you are so talented Elly! That’s impressive, especially for a second grader! I’ve written songs too, with the melody and how I wanted it to sound in my head, but didn’t have the ability to put it to music. I wrote them as an adult though.
Wow. That anti-college one just hit me. I was aware of the fear of education, but, idk, hearing this from your little self made me so sad.
I'm sorry about your piggie 😔
My mom had my poor dog put down, and she wouldn't allow me to see him before or after. A child's grief is real.
you have balls of steel, and these are actually good.
I remember the melodies from songs I wrote at that age too.
My first 2 pets were guinea pigs. They were rescues. I love them. So much. They are like tiny vegetarian puppies that never grow up.
You’re very talented. I know you’re really trying to move away from things that trigger, but being able to hear and compose is something special. You’re a natural, maybe one day you’ll be on the radio!
god, the pressure to evangelize to my dad!! i hated it so much i remember feeling like i was gonna throw up every time i brought it up to him, but my mom and people at the church would not stop telling me to do it.
12:20 I went to middle school with a girl who was being raised Pentecostal. I swear I remember her crying at lunch because we, her friends, would go to Hell if we didn't believe in God the way her parents did. I wasn't even anti-religious yet - I was Catholic! She was 13.
I would imagine that being taught to evangelize would create a sense of guilt if you didn't successfully convert people, like maybe you weren't trying hard enough.
I went on an ex Jehovah Witness Channel and I remember somebody's comment that always made me sad. The person who wrote the comment wasn't the Jehovah Witness. The the comment about her best friend that was a Jehovah Witness she grow up with. She used to have secret birthdays and secret Christmases for her. In order for her JW to be friends with her, her JW friend had to pretend to be trying to evangelize her and bring her to the hall. When her friend turned 18 she left home and she never saw her again.
I'm so sorry you went through so much.
Please tell us more about the Catholicism thing! I was raised almost the exact way you were but we were Catholic homeschoolers! Thank you so much for all you do🧡
It's maybe wild (that you pet your guinea pig on the way home), but it was part of your grieving (whether sanitary or not), just like your song. It's sad, but very touching, you loved this little guinea pig.
The songs/stories about your uncle and your Guinea Pig really resonated with me. Despite going to a Christian school and my family going to church nearly even Sunday (till about high school when we just stopped), my dad was not religious. This was really traumatic for my sister (who was really young at the time) who BEGGED him to become a Christian at a public restaurant, which he awkwardly refused to do. I understood that, while it wasn't "good" that he wasn't a Christian, I didn't feel it would be right for God to send a guy to hell, who sent his kids to a Christian church and tithed, despite not believing. On a related note, I had a classmate who's grandparents were Catholic, which my school did not recognize as "true Christians." This kid was mortified at the idea of his grandparents going to hell. He also believe that he would one day have to fight his grandparents in a final battle between God and his followers and Satan and every non-Christian. That's a truly terrifying and heartbreaking belief.
I was also raised to believe that animals did not go to Heaven. My mom still, to this day, has this completely invented Bible verse that cannot be found anywhere in it, where she says that the Bible says "God has just created animals for us to enjoy here on the earth." I remember asking about this after my childhood pets (a Chinese Shar-Pei named Benny and two cats named Gus and Toby) died within a few years of each other. That literally made me feel worse about their deaths! I remember thinking that if animals weren't in Heaven, it must not be all that great after all (start of my deconstruction? Perhaps).
Thank you as always for sharing :)
Everything else aside, your voice is LOVELY! Thank you for sharing it with us!
Wow, thank you Elly, this was awesome. I also grew up in a fundamental environment and also wrote songs like that. So totally understand how these songs came to life!
Elly, I think you are so brave and strong. Being as vulnerable as you are in your vids is so real and refreshing.
You were very talented even from a young age. It's terrible that you had such a burden and control put on you also at such a young age.
I love your videos Elly, thank you for being so vulnerable and kindhearted in them. I love watching you while I work, and in this video you especially reminded me of myself as a child. I appreciate you sharing your stories and parts of your life with us. Wishing you the best !
Amazing to see and hear how creative you’ve always been, from your journals to these songs. ❤
Love the "stay at home daughter" song. I am a few years older than you and at the beginning of the early 2000's conservative resurgence. All your journal reading makes me want to dig out the old books and dreg up the past (haha).
The endcard shot is beautiful!!
I just am always struck by how you seem throughout your writings to be seeking God to combat your loneliness and isolation. I think that's common in the Fundie experience. You and other children are cleaving to Jesus like other kids would have imaginary friends. To be clear I don't equate all believers or religious people to having this dynamic. But especially with the Charismatic aspects, the conflating of Jesus with all of our internal voice or conscience voice. Or as that imaginary friend dynamic. Due to that culture of exclusion and isolation.
I love this Ellie! You could try a song rewrite as an adult, to your younger self! A way to connect to your inner child.
I thought the first song was very cute! I wrote some songs as a religious kid as well and some of them are definitely pretty cringe. I applaud your putting these out there!
Hey Ellie, I love all your videos and really appreciate your vulnerability, and you have a really lovely voice! I would be very interested in a video about the anti-catholicism if you ever decide to do one. I had a strict catholic upbringing, but never felt connected to the religion, much to the chagrin of my dad lol.
Take care!
Thank you so much!
I've been watching your videos and find them really shocking and also oddly comforting. I grew up as a Metis Canadian in a catholic school hearing all these things day after day, all the times I was told that I just needed to pray and be a good Christian girl and when my health went crazy, that God was just showing how much he loved he or whatever nonsense it was that day
Also, to maybe give you a bit of peace looking about om Squeakers ❤️ petting any pet we love so much after they've died is not dangerous or gross. I know it's really not important in the grande scheme of things and within the scope of everything else in the video (as if your mother force fed you!!!!) Just thought it might help you looking back and knowing that it's normal, especially for kids, to want to provide comfort even it they can't feel it
The song at 24:37is using the melody from Here I am to Worship
🎶Just you and me, Lord 💃
The college song melody sounds like Here I Am To Worship
In regards to your fish comment, I just wanted to say that, for most passionate fishkeepers, we really do see our fish as pets on the same level of a cat or a dog. Fish like bettas and even goldfish can have unique, individual personalities that really let you bond with them. They're a lot smarter than people give them credit for. We love our fish even if we can't interact with them on the same level as a cat or a dog.
Losing a fish like a betta or a goldfish, let alone wiping out an entire aquarium on accident, can honestly be as traumatic as losing any mammal, reptile, or avian companion. Fish may not be as interactive as other pets, but we still see them as part of the family.
Honestly, one of the most traumatic things in fishkeeping that you can do is have to put down a fish on your own. Being in the room with a pet that dies can be traumatic enough for anybody. Now imagine having to be the one to _do_ it by your own hand. It's incredibly upsetting and people _legitimately_ grieve over losing fish.
Most people see it as "just a fish," but for somebody that's dedicated so much time, money, and care into learning about the hobby, it's never "just a fish." Losing pets of _any_ sort can be legitimately traumatic and upsetting.
Thank you for sharing this! I apologize to you and any other fishkeepers I may have hurt with my comment. Going forward, I will be much more respectful when speaking about fish as pets.
@@ExFundieDiaries Honestly, I wasn't really upset. I was just offering another perspective. I've been into the aquatics hobby for the better part of a decade (7+ years) so I just thought I'd share an insider's perspective on how passionate people do view fish.
For most people, fish are little more than decorations or pets to be thrown away. But for those of us that are _really_ passionate about the hobby, it'll never be "just a fish." Each individual life is precious to us because we put so much time, dedication, and care into making the best environments we possibly can for the species we choose. We research, adjust, and do so much to make sure our little finned friends live the best lives possible.
I never really had a bad experience during my time being christian, we weren't really Christian though, we just went to church. But once I changed my religion everyone in my family supported me and was very understanding about it. I wish you didn't have to go through a fundie childhood.
i would love to hear more about the anti-catholicism, i definitely experienced that as a mexican catholic around a bunch of evangelicals. it was interesting to see the ways it showed up in social situations and with classmates. definitely both a racial and religiously informed experience, but I'd love to hear the other side.
Lolll oh man, the anti-Catholic thing was also hardcore in my family/church. Therefore at age 21 I rebelled by converting to Catholicism 😅
Which only lasted till I was homeless at 25 and got to live at my aunt’s place on the condition that I went to fundie church with her. She was trying to save my soul or whatever, but it literally was that final straw that led to me getting out of Christianity altogether
Listened to the college song while completing a design poster for uni that I'll probably finish no sooner than the early morning.... can relate, yep
you have such a beautiful voice! that was so nice you were a very talented little kid I hate that you felt like you needed to express it solely religiously
the sheer guilt and pain i felt over something so natural like masturbation..... if you haven't done a video on the shame cycle specifically about masturbation, i would really love to see your perspective!!!
Please make a video about Anti Catholic. I’m very curious about how that happens when Catholicism is the OG church.
“You get into the closet” lol my queer self thought that line was hilariously ironic
same
I love your content. Do you have anything on how you got over your fear of hell? I was Catholic so we were taught you can lose salvation, which is different from evangelicals.
When you wrote that 'just you and me song' If i could ask, how were you feeling
Did anyone tell you you need to write those songs. They sound like they were really from your heart and genuine.
I wrote a cringey worship song when I was ten that haunts me on loop in my head to this day as a 26 year old lmao. I actually wrote it in a journal I bought with Awana Dollars so that tracks with that time in my life haha
Your anti-college song is very pop punk. Im here for it!
hey I have a trigger around FF too. yes that would be extremely traumatic to see. also probably not effective-- anesthetize and IV fluids. but because of money, no one even suggests workaround measures for not traumatizing kids/animals (not saying you could have done anything).
How do you have so many old journals? I wrote in journals my whole childhood but I always threw them out when they were full
She didn’t throw her’s out ......that’s why she still has so many.
I found it fascinating that she saved so many.
Yeah like child me was just writing for the theraputic value but I wasn't thinking of saving it all for an entire anthology of my life. But maybe best I didn't since I'm sure its content was cringe 😅
🤗
"Knocking at your heart" sounds like it could have an alternate meaning of the person trying to protect themselves from a home invader lol. Seriously though, kind of interesting as an analogy for how most of us now will view that kind of worldview
"high demand, high control religion- a cult" (9:23)
Your channel is highly validating, I can relate to your experiences. Sending a big hug! I am not sure if you have any knowledge or experience with the “keepers at home” Christian “Girl Scout” group that teaches young girls how to be a house wife? I’ve been trying to find a video of people who were involved in the group, no luck so far
Your singing voice reminds me of a barbie movie :)
"Grace" is not a Christian word. And they use it incorrectly.
Grace is theologically defined as "unmerited or unearned favor". But in Christianity one must accept Jesus' sacrifice in order to gain that grace. Acceptance is an act, an overt mental act. So salvation is not "grace".
And you are a graceful person by nature.
I love this.
That love song is actually kinda cute.
And f**k purity culture. WRITE THE SECOND VERSE if you want to.
TBH, I've heard worse songs on actual Christian music stations. You killed it, kid
When I went through my agnostic years, I didn't have a lot of pleasant dreams. I was giving a message to my believing friends and family trying to get them to question their faith, trying to make them become doubters. In my dreams, I was committing theft and worse. I think my conscience was trying to tell me that I was wrong. The crimes in my dreams represented what was going on in the spiritual realm in my life.