This is such a tough attachment style to have. Sometimes it can feel like torture. On top of that, I often find myself hating myself for being so pathetic and needy wheni am actually a great catch and an independent well-adjusted woman in so many ways. The thing I struggle with is recognizing when I am making excuses for my partner's "neglectful " behavior and when my instinct is correct (i.e. they truly are being neglectful). Its especially hard at the beginning of a relationship because you don't know the person well and trust hasn't yet been fully established. So hard. 😔
Ugh, I feel this so much. At the beginning of a relationship, my anxiety can get turned up to 11 and I'll freak out on so many triggers. Sometimes, even previously positive experiences will fuel the anxiety, like it was all a lie or those are experiences I've now lost. I'm amazed at how much healing is still necessary for me 🥲
@@jodien5800 agreed but I’ll be honest, avoidants make it awful. I dated someone secure and was pretty at peace. It’s about finding someone compatible for your attachment style. Dating an avoidant is like suicide, even for secure people
I dated a guy years ago who was pretty good at texting, one day he didn't text, I sent him a text saying hi & what are his plans for the day. Nothing, no response. I was so anxious, hours passed and I was a crying mess. At 6pm I got a text, he went for a drive & left his phone behind. I didn't believe him, but I was soo relieved. It's torture
If I don’t hear from my girlfriend every so often I feel like she will dump me or lose attraction towards me. She tells me I am beautiful , loves me and misses me. It is torture until she reassures me , I hate feeling like this for no reason.
This is an extremely tough attachment style. I agree with dana. When we are together I'm on top of the world. When we are not together for days I stress, overthink and feel awful. This video is on point
Excellent video. This is my attachment style. It’s been hard to deal with anxiety. But reading and listening to these videos have helped me to calm myself. I need to remember to not give the power to other people. I need to validate myself, not to wait for my partner to remind me I’m worthy.
Yes, the ”dont give other people power over my emotions” really helps me too. At some point it hit me that I am letting this happen and maybe I can let it not happen kind of.
I ignored a big red flag and started a relationship with a woman that "needed time alone" regularly, for an anxious attachment guy, this turned out to be too much at times. In the end we parted and it appears she was an avoidant type. Next time I will look closer for these flags.
Spending years in therapy and have a BA in Psychology I never came across this. How did I miss this? It explains my approach to relationships.Thank you!
Omg, u just described my way of thinking always. I am for sure anxious attachment style. Never knew what it was about me that made my thoughts spiral out of control! Thank you so much!❤
Omg you described me to a tea...its a living hell! Its horrible to be stuck in that mindset and u know its not reasonable and no anount of positive self talk fixes it :(
I used to be like this but only in certain relationships with certain people .Ive now decided to stay single better than disappointing people or being disappointed in people .
I have a partner with this attachment style I’m an avoidant attachment I try my best to do research. On the attachments styles so I can understand them and be a good partner for them thank you for this was clarity :)
The accuracy of how my situation is is on point. Had I seen this video earlier, I wouldn't have ended many relationships prematurely. But on the path to healing and your videos are a gem
that was me. I'm 43 now and at peace with my self. i drank alcohol to cope. it nearly killed me. most unhappiness stems from a lack of gratitude. without gratitude life is meaningless.
I have this attachment style its rough. The lack of contact or reply tends to set me off on a spiral of worry, it really sucks because you end up all over the place and its usually irrational because the answer you get means nothing was wrong. You lose a lot of time being activated in anxious attachment :/
Get rejected or betrayed as much as I have and you develop this attachment style. I've been told by many videos, therapists, friends, etc "You ARE worthy". Really? Clearly not and something has to be wrong if every time I try and find someone, rejection. She choose someone else better looking. "I only see you as a friend". Go on a few dates and she chooses to be with another dude she's seeing. You have this happen enough times and how else should your brain react other than developing this attachment style?
thank you for giving insightful examples of what this would look like in life. you really have a great communication style. i appreciate all the material you offer. it helps to understand the why.
Love Your Videos 💖🤍After being in 2 Narcissistic relationships I thought Ohh No! I’m working on myself now I do NOT want to allow myself to be in another unhealthy relationship. I am on my Journey of understanding myself, people & what exactly is a Healthy Relationship. Thanks For Everything. Your Great 😊
Something that came up for me is that if I am waiting for other people.. Whether it is for fishing or for going to a wedding or anything and it is me doing the waiting and not them.. If I am the one that is on time.. I think that maybe that anxiety is telling me something.. Those relationships that I dropped my anxiety went down..
Honestly hate myself for having this. I can’t seem to just sort of not care so much about so many little things. I give so much expecting all that back . I focus on so many little things and at at the end of the day I end up hating myself for being so needy. I feel pathetic for needing so much.
Interesting point regarding ”expecting all that back”, makes me think we give so much because wee need so much, which I guess comes back to self worth/self esteem. Lets build that up so that maybe we can tone down the ”give to get”-part, which I assume can destroy relationships, especially in the beginning(?)
How about just having good communication skills??.. I don't need to know everything all the time.. But I do like a good morning love and a goodnight.. We both work don't live together and she can be very short with text and it seems I'm bothering her when I call out of the blue.. Only one phone call.. Not multiple times a day.. Same with text.. So what gives??
Thank you - I am happy you enjoyed it! Yes- I am working on videos to go with it - and, you might also check out attachmentproject.com, the book "Attached" and the audio file "Your Brain on Love," -- all are great resources too:). Being with a partner who understands your triggers is also very important -and having someone who can help soothe and calm the anxious responses you have is key, as well as learning anxiety reducing coping skills like guided imagery, meditation, etc. :) Kim
Dr. Kim Sage I have a question though. Is there any reliable quiz to decide which attachment style I am? I did two different ones and there were different results! Firstly I came out as an anxious and when I did another quiz today which said I am fearful avoidant. 🤔Or could I be a mix of both?
@@zlattka1 Hi! Yes! I just posted an answer on my IG @drkimsage! ECR is a free scale online and three books with great assessments: Attached, Wired for Love, Wired for Dating. The full training takes about 2 years for Adult Attachment Interview - so hard to be super reliable, but ECR is pretty good and referenced in the research. And, yes, you can have a combo style and frankly, I think it's more common to have a blend - especially depending on which relationships trigger certain attachment wounds for us! Good luck! Please feel free to ask more questions and I will post short ones on IG! 👍
I will be creating more attachment videos on healing in the next month or so! Books like "Wired for Love, Wired for Dating, and Attached" - (3 separate books) have some great ideas as well!
I have this attachment style however, i am just here to see if there are any avoidants over here trying to figure us out the way we flood under the videos about avoidance attachment. I didn't see not one comment. I just learnt about attachment styles and i will never date another avoidant though i was unaware the first 2 times.
What a great video, thank you!! Extremely detailed, described me so well and you have so many great examples. Do you have one about healing anxious attachment?
I need a therapist like you. I have anxious/preoccupied attachment yet love being alone as a very empathic introvert. I am also a caregiver but often feel resentment when I get nothing in return. My counselor has only had 30 minute sessions and it is frustrating. I will try to question this today in therapy. Is 30 minutes ever enough??
As an anxious-avoidant, being in a relationship with an unfaithful person or a secretive person is extremely difficult emotionally. Currently listening to Relationship OCD by Sheva Rajaee.
Im 13, and I just realized this is me w all my friendships. Like this describes me completely w my friends since without them I wouldn’t be the person I am rn so I feel like I need them to be me and without them I’m not me.. idk I’m just fked up
Constant need for validation would be difficult...what if your person is so insecure that opposite sex friends are a threat? No amount of reassuring will suffice.
We are born to be in connection with others and desire safety and reciprocity. Please don't be embarrassed- I hope you can have some grace for where this comes from and work toward earning security. Attached, Wired for Love and Dating for Love are 3 great books💕
I don’t have enough interest in other people to get anxious if they don’t call or text. I get more anxious when people bother me. I’m a introvert. As I get older I realize humans are not wired to get along for any long term thing. Maybe it’s a reaction to evolution or something. But the end result of relationships is usually disappointment so you realize it’s stupid to do the same thing over and over
Once, I was emotionally involved with an NPD (Google npd if you are clueless) I was always making excuses for why I felt that he was giving me the runaround. I wanted the connection to last, so I gave him a long rope. I should not have trusted him. Instead, I lied to myself. I wasn't the bad person. He was. I hope this makes sense - probably not, though. 😮😅
Here's one psychologists would appreciate: Sociopath redefinition disorder... An obsession with redefining normal human reactions to stress as mental illness for profit. Never for a moment mentioning that sociopathy is really what is criminal and rampaging through society.. Why? think about who the sociopaths are... you guessed it. politicians business leaders and psychiatrists.
This is such a tough attachment style to have. Sometimes it can feel like torture. On top of that, I often find myself hating myself for being so pathetic and needy wheni am actually a great catch and an independent well-adjusted woman in so many ways. The thing I struggle with is recognizing when I am making excuses for my partner's "neglectful " behavior and when my instinct is correct (i.e. they truly are being neglectful). Its especially hard at the beginning of a relationship because you don't know the person well and trust hasn't yet been fully established. So hard. 😔
I agree, it feels like torture 😩
Ugh, I feel this so much. At the beginning of a relationship, my anxiety can get turned up to 11 and I'll freak out on so many triggers. Sometimes, even previously positive experiences will fuel the anxiety, like it was all a lie or those are experiences I've now lost. I'm amazed at how much healing is still necessary for me 🥲
I agree, feels like torture
It is torture. We are torturing ourselves with anxious thoughts and stories that we make up in our minds.
@@jodien5800 agreed but I’ll be honest, avoidants make it awful. I dated someone secure and was pretty at peace. It’s about finding someone compatible for your attachment style. Dating an avoidant is like suicide, even for secure people
I dated a guy years ago who was pretty good at texting, one day he didn't text, I sent him a text saying hi & what are his plans for the day. Nothing, no response. I was so anxious, hours passed and I was a crying mess. At 6pm I got a text, he went for a drive & left his phone behind. I didn't believe him, but I was soo relieved. It's torture
Definitely sounds like a story. OMG, I'm so sorry, ❤
Same. I'm sorry
If I don’t hear from my girlfriend every so often I feel like she will dump me or lose attraction towards me. She tells me I am beautiful , loves me and misses me. It is torture until she reassures me , I hate feeling like this for no reason.
This is an extremely tough attachment style. I agree with dana. When we are together I'm on top of the world. When we are not together for days I stress, overthink and feel awful. This video is on point
Excellent video. This is my attachment style. It’s been hard to deal with anxiety. But reading and listening to these videos have helped me to calm myself.
I need to remember to not give the power to other people. I need to validate myself, not to wait for my partner to remind me I’m worthy.
Yes, the ”dont give other people power over my emotions” really helps me too. At some point it hit me that I am letting this happen and maybe I can let it not happen kind of.
Extreme anxious attachment here. Don’t bombard anyone’s phone by do get angry and say something I regret. I need help
I ignored a big red flag and started a relationship with a woman that "needed time alone" regularly, for an anxious attachment guy, this turned out to be too much at times. In the end we parted and it appears she was an avoidant type. Next time I will look closer for these flags.
Spending years in therapy and have a BA in Psychology I never came across this. How did I miss this? It explains my approach to relationships.Thank you!
Omg, u just described my way of thinking always. I am for sure anxious attachment style. Never knew what it was about me that made my thoughts spiral out of control! Thank you so much!❤
My anxious style made my partner more avoident and I pushed him away more.
Thank you for this video. Looking how to heal this style.
You are changing my life. ❤ it took me awhile to figure out WHAT was wrong with me. But now I know, and you are helping me fix my mind.
Omg you described me to a tea...its a living hell! Its horrible to be stuck in that mindset and u know its not reasonable and no anount of positive self talk fixes it :(
I used to be like this but only in certain relationships with certain people .Ive now decided to stay single better than disappointing people or being disappointed in people .
You have to find the right ‘attachment style’ but even then it’s no reason to put up with abuse.
I have a partner with this attachment style I’m an avoidant attachment I try my best to do research. On the attachments styles so I can understand them and be a good partner for them thank you for this was clarity :)
as a person with an anxious attachment style, i’d like to say thanks for doing that. i hope you and your partner work out. i wish y’all the best
I cant thank you enough for this video, your examples helped me identify my behavior patterns. Your calming and caring presence is just beautiful.
The accuracy of how my situation is is on point. Had I seen this video earlier, I wouldn't have ended many relationships prematurely. But on the path to healing and your videos are a gem
that was me. I'm 43 now and at peace with my self. i drank alcohol to cope. it nearly killed me. most unhappiness stems from a lack of gratitude. without gratitude life is meaningless.
Wow. I feel like you were talking about me the whole time 😬
“Maybe something fell on her” lol. If this isn’t me. Ugh!! Anxious-Avoidant
I have this attachment style its rough. The lack of contact or reply tends to set me off on a spiral of worry, it really sucks because you end up all over the place and its usually irrational because the answer you get means nothing was wrong. You lose a lot of time being activated in anxious attachment :/
Crazy how this is exactly what I go through
Holy crap, this is so so accurate
Get rejected or betrayed as much as I have and you develop this attachment style. I've been told by many videos, therapists, friends, etc "You ARE worthy". Really? Clearly not and something has to be wrong if every time I try and find someone, rejection. She choose someone else better looking. "I only see you as a friend". Go on a few dates and she chooses to be with another dude she's seeing. You have this happen enough times and how else should your brain react other than developing this attachment style?
Dr. Kim's videos are excellent and deserve many more views.
thank you for giving insightful examples of what this would look like in life. you really have a great communication style. i appreciate all the material you offer. it helps to understand the why.
Love Your Videos 💖🤍After being in 2 Narcissistic relationships I thought Ohh No! I’m working on myself now I do NOT want to allow myself to be in another unhealthy relationship. I am on my Journey of understanding myself, people & what exactly is a Healthy Relationship. Thanks For Everything. Your Great 😊
Something that came up for me is that if I am waiting for other people.. Whether it is for fishing or for going to a wedding or anything and it is me doing the waiting and not them.. If I am the one that is on time.. I think that maybe that anxiety is telling me something.. Those relationships that I dropped my anxiety went down..
Honestly hate myself for having this. I can’t seem to just sort of not care so much about so many little things. I give so much expecting all that back . I focus on so many little things and at at the end of the day I end up hating myself for being so needy. I feel pathetic for needing so much.
Interesting point regarding ”expecting all that back”, makes me think we give so much because wee need so much, which I guess comes back to self worth/self esteem. Lets build that up so that maybe we can tone down the ”give to get”-part, which I assume can destroy relationships, especially in the beginning(?)
Not pathetic, many people with this style, we can heal, don’t give yourself a hard time.
extremely validating
Finally 🎉a real professional. Thank you for your great job
i really felt that scenario
Damn nailed this one..minus the yelling and name calling..but definitely the protest actions
That shadow root looks so good on her! maybe I should get one
How about just having good communication skills??.. I don't need to know everything all the time.. But I do like a good morning love and a goodnight.. We both work don't live together and she can be very short with text and it seems I'm bothering her when I call out of the blue.. Only one phone call.. Not multiple times a day.. Same with text.. So what gives??
Thank you for this wonderful video.. Can you please give some tips on healing this attachment style?
Thank you - I am happy you enjoyed it!
Yes- I am working on videos to go with it - and, you might also check out attachmentproject.com, the book "Attached" and the audio file "Your Brain on Love," -- all are great resources too:).
Being with a partner who understands your triggers is also very important -and having someone who can help soothe and calm the anxious responses you have is key, as well as learning anxiety reducing coping skills like guided imagery, meditation, etc.
:) Kim
I loved this video. I found myself in similar situations/my reactions in the past so I completely relate to it.
@@zlattka1 I'm so glad you found it helpful! Thank you for sharing!
Dr. Kim Sage
I have a question though. Is there any reliable quiz to decide which attachment style I am? I did two different ones and there were different results! Firstly I came out as an anxious and when I did another quiz today which said I am fearful avoidant. 🤔Or could I be a mix of both?
@@zlattka1 Hi! Yes! I just posted an answer on my IG @drkimsage!
ECR is a free scale online and three books with great assessments: Attached, Wired for Love, Wired for Dating.
The full training takes about 2 years for Adult Attachment Interview - so hard to be super reliable, but ECR is pretty good and referenced in the research.
And, yes, you can have a combo style and frankly, I think it's more common to have a blend - especially depending on which relationships trigger certain attachment wounds for us! Good luck! Please feel free to ask more questions and I will post short ones on IG! 👍
Your my new Doctor 😊 as a anchox attchment guy i watching your video it is healing my self 😊🎉👍
Thank you so much for clear explanations
Great video. Now how does one fix this unhealthy behavior?
I will be creating more attachment videos on healing in the next month or so! Books like "Wired for Love, Wired for Dating, and Attached" - (3 separate books) have some great ideas as well!
I have this attachment style however, i am just here to see if there are any avoidants over here trying to figure us out the way we flood under the videos about avoidance attachment. I didn't see not one comment. I just learnt about attachment styles and i will never date another avoidant though i was unaware the first 2 times.
What a great video, thank you!! Extremely detailed, described me so well and you have so many great examples. Do you have one about healing anxious attachment?
Yes, it's the first video at the top of my page!:)
This was really good thank you so much for this video.
I need a therapist like you. I have anxious/preoccupied attachment yet love being alone as a very empathic introvert. I am also a caregiver but often feel resentment when I get nothing in return.
My counselor has only had 30 minute sessions and it is frustrating. I will try to question this today in therapy. Is 30 minutes ever enough??
Omg, I have the same personality. Anxious attachment, empath, introvert, who needs a lot of alone time to recharge. It’s rough.
As an anxious-avoidant, being in a relationship with an unfaithful person or a secretive person is extremely difficult emotionally. Currently listening to Relationship OCD by Sheva Rajaee.
Im 13, and I just realized this is me w all my friendships. Like this describes me completely w my friends since without them I wouldn’t be the person I am rn so I feel like I need them to be me and without them I’m not me.. idk I’m just fked up
I feel so seen 🥹🥹🥹🥹
This is me af. And then when I know they're not gonna leave or if they get too " clingy" , I get avoidant.🥴
This is definitely me as well 🤪
I do too lol. I start to get realllllyyyy annoyed haha
She literally read me and its too hard on the soul my partner has avoidant attachment and it makes communication hella hard 😕
Who is it that sets the standards for these psychological issues? Who is it that defines what is normal in pyschology? Why is anxious love abnormal?
I suggest… use we in stead of they….
Wow. We're you following me over the last 2 weeks, cause that was me over my girl. 😢
Really great video
Excellent. Thank YOU so much. Very helpful.
Love your work
Excellent video thanks !
Constant need for validation would be difficult...what if your person is so insecure that opposite sex friends are a threat? No amount of reassuring will suffice.
Thank you, your video was very helpful.
you are so welcome:)
I needed this thank you
You are amazing!
Thanks Dr Kim
Describes my behavior to a t.
So embarrassing this is my life. I need to be single and not worry about anyone else.
We are born to be in connection with others and desire safety and reciprocity. Please don't be embarrassed- I hope you can have some grace for where this comes from and work toward earning security. Attached, Wired for Love and Dating for Love are 3 great books💕
@@DrKimSage ❤❤
So clear and helpful. Please please give a podcast on how to overcome anxiety attachment
Where are the videos on how to heal?
This is so me.
hey Dr.Cage!
do you recommend any books on healing the anxious attachment style?
thank you in advance
Anxious is me. Avoidant Ed my ex wife. Maybe that’s why is divorced her?
Ok
I really don’t remember any issues from my parents
I’m still this type so why and what do I do to stop?
I don’t have enough interest in other people to get anxious if they don’t call or text. I get more anxious when people bother me. I’m a introvert. As I get older I realize humans are not wired to get along for any long term thing. Maybe it’s a reaction to evolution or something. But the end result of relationships is usually disappointment so you realize it’s stupid to do the same thing over and over
How much is a brain transplant
IDK, try asking God for a transplant.
LMAO
How do I sign up to do therapy session? Lynn
Sounds kinda like BPD???
Could one be avoidant with an anxious partner, and be anxious with an avoidant partner?
Yes I think 80% of attractiveness is this
I’m a bit confused on this
If we make excuses for our partner’s behavior that makes us anxious then are we really the problem?
Once, I was emotionally involved with an NPD (Google npd if you are clueless)
I was always making excuses for why I felt that he was giving me the runaround. I wanted the connection to last, so I gave him a long rope. I should not have trusted him. Instead, I lied to myself. I wasn't the bad person. He was.
I hope this makes sense - probably not, though. 😮😅
As a Schizoid..the description sounds ike me...
How can I heal myself
Again, pray.
Here's one psychologists would appreciate:
Sociopath redefinition disorder...
An obsession with redefining normal human reactions to stress as mental illness for profit.
Never for a moment mentioning that sociopathy is really what is criminal and rampaging through society..
Why? think about who the sociopaths are... you guessed it. politicians business leaders and psychiatrists.
Please keep studying… it is bit more complicated
Shit who wants to live life like that