It’s so good to hear that venting is a losing strategy. I literally hate it and how people get stuck in it because I really have never seen anything productive coming from it
I hope you’ll be the right therapist for my wife and I. This video definitely resonated with the cycle we continue to fall into. I checked out your website and I will attend your master class when I have some free time. I never considered that resentment played such a huge role in the lack of warmth in our relationship. I’m looking forward to speaking with you.
Yep - No passion, no physical / sexual intimacy since we adopted 4 children. Wife just closed down (avoidant) - went behind her walls, and refuses to seek individual therapy. Venting does NOT help to diffuse it - Ignoring it ALSO does not help it either. She WILL NOT address the elephant in the room (her words) - she acknowledges the lack of intimacy but is stuck. I find increasing resentment at the forced celibacy, coupled with a life of duty and expectation of care and affection FROM me, but nothing in return
That’s exactly where I am in. But I can’t bring any of those resentments to the table, because I fear the backlash. I spent my whole marriage to calm the boat, while she has a long list of criticisms and complaints. Compared with her I feel small and worthless. I stay silent and look down, when she complains. Just the thought on contradiction or justification lets my heart race and my breath stop. I remember being so courageous but not anymore.
I know exactly how you feel. My wife has blamed me for every bad decision she’s ever made. When I would bring my hurts up to her it would get turned around on me. Whenever there was a “apology” it was followed with her withdrawing from me. I could never be vulnerable. Felt worse after every time I tried. I felt like I was going crazy, castrated, had anxiety I’d never had before and the list goes on and on. I had put her first in everything. Which isn’t healthy but I just wanted her to be happy. Once I figured out that what I was experiencing/feeling was emotional abuse and confronted her she moved out 3 days later when I wasn’t home. And she blamed it on me. So she moved out 6 weeks ago and after the initial trauma and pain I’m realizing that only God can fix this. I know she did me a favor. 18 year relationship and 7 years of marriage gone.
@@bassman6692 but you made it man. You wife finally woke up from a fairy dream and you made it. I am light years away from that, but if I stood where you are, my future would look like it’s out of female around me. But that’s just running. You have grown. Good luck for your future.
I wonder how to "table the issues" when the main issue is that he avoids all conflict, and my main way of having him participate in family life is to sweep everything under the rug. My main strategy has been to not poke the bear, but it's not good and now I'm seething with resentment and can't handle even being in contact with him for more than a few minutes at a time. I feel like I'm choking with all the unsaid things, none of which are fair, reasonable, or productive and I don't want to be that person who just spews bitterness on someone so I keep my mouth closed. I'll have to think about that: what's the difference between choosing not to focus on the problems and ignoring the problems.
You are speaking to my soul and I would love your help. I visited your site but I can’t seem to figure out the masterclass. My husband is absolutely experiencing some type of mid life crisis and it’s killing both of us
This advice is good - but I wish one of these videos would come at it from the perspective of “after the boom” Because my guess is most people watching this have gotten to the point where their relationship is in dire straits Where all of this is nice to know - but, at this moment, not exactly helpful Specifically- what is the plan when the resentment has gotten to the place where one spouse is thinking divorce cause of the mountain of resentment that is blocking love and intimacy…
This is very helpful thank you. My resentment stems from a sense of betrayal because when we married 3 years ago (I was alone the previous 27 years) we were both Christians, something fundamental to me. Just 6 months in he chose another religion. I have been in such pain, feeling torn apart. Can you offer me any hope/advice?
I turned myself inside out, i was so focused on repair, seeing things from his perspective, asking, begging for our children’s sake. Truth was it was sll a sick twisted control game. Be very careful out there. This can be a form of covert abuse. It was disturbing how the marriage therapist responded. She was totally biaised. I cam from a family where i was parentified and that was only for starters. I was primed to put the other person first.
It’s so good to hear that venting is a losing strategy. I literally hate it and how people get stuck in it because I really have never seen anything productive coming from it
I hope you’ll be the right therapist for my wife and I. This video definitely resonated with the cycle we continue to fall into. I checked out your website and I will attend your master class when I have some free time. I never considered that resentment played such a huge role in the lack of warmth in our relationship. I’m looking forward to speaking with you.
great we look forward to speaking with you too Anthony!
I need a psychologist like you
This was so good!
Yep - No passion, no physical / sexual intimacy since we adopted 4 children. Wife just closed down (avoidant) - went behind her walls, and refuses to seek individual therapy. Venting does NOT help to diffuse it - Ignoring it ALSO does not help it either. She WILL NOT address the elephant in the room (her words) - she acknowledges the lack of intimacy but is stuck. I find increasing resentment at the forced celibacy, coupled with a life of duty and expectation of care and affection FROM me, but nothing in return
That’s exactly where I am in. But I can’t bring any of those resentments to the table, because I fear the backlash. I spent my whole marriage to calm the boat, while she has a long list of criticisms and complaints. Compared with her I feel small and worthless. I stay silent and look down, when she complains. Just the thought on contradiction or justification lets my heart race and my breath stop. I remember being so courageous but not anymore.
I know exactly how you feel. My wife has blamed me for every bad decision she’s ever made. When I would bring my hurts up to her it would get turned around on me. Whenever there was a “apology” it was followed with her withdrawing from me. I could never be vulnerable. Felt worse after every time I tried. I felt like I was going crazy, castrated, had anxiety I’d never had before and the list goes on and on. I had put her first in everything. Which isn’t healthy but I just wanted her to be happy. Once I figured out that what I was experiencing/feeling was emotional abuse and confronted her she moved out 3 days later when I wasn’t home. And she blamed it on me. So she moved out 6 weeks ago and after the initial trauma and pain I’m realizing that only God can fix this. I know she did me a favor. 18 year relationship and 7 years of marriage gone.
@@bassman6692 but you made it man. You wife finally woke up from a fairy dream and you made it. I am light years away from that, but if I stood where you are, my future would look like it’s out of female around me. But that’s just running. You have grown. Good luck for your future.
great video , full of things that parallel my own situation
I wonder how to "table the issues" when the main issue is that he avoids all conflict, and my main way of having him participate in family life is to sweep everything under the rug. My main strategy has been to not poke the bear, but it's not good and now I'm seething with resentment and can't handle even being in contact with him for more than a few minutes at a time. I feel like I'm choking with all the unsaid things, none of which are fair, reasonable, or productive and I don't want to be that person who just spews bitterness on someone so I keep my mouth closed.
I'll have to think about that: what's the difference between choosing not to focus on the problems and ignoring the problems.
You are speaking to my soul and I would love your help. I visited your site but I can’t seem to figure out the masterclass. My husband is absolutely experiencing some type of mid life crisis and it’s killing both of us
This advice is good - but I wish one of these videos would come at it from the perspective of “after the boom”
Because my guess is most people watching this have gotten to the point where their relationship is in dire straits
Where all of this is nice to know - but, at this moment, not exactly helpful
Specifically- what is the plan when the resentment has gotten to the place where one spouse is thinking divorce cause of the mountain of resentment that is blocking love and intimacy…
This is very helpful thank you. My resentment stems from a sense of betrayal because when we married 3 years ago (I was alone the previous 27 years) we were both Christians, something fundamental to me. Just 6 months in he chose another religion. I have been in such pain, feeling torn apart. Can you offer me any hope/advice?
I turned myself inside out, i was so focused on repair, seeing things from his perspective, asking, begging for our children’s sake. Truth was it was sll a sick twisted control game. Be very careful out there. This can be a form of covert abuse. It was disturbing how the marriage therapist responded. She was totally biaised. I cam from a family where i was parentified and that was only for starters.
I was primed to put the other person first.
How do you do this when my husband has no interest in working on it thinks it all me and is very angry and resentful towards me
Wow
All this is why I tell singles to stay single.
If I could just get her to sit down with me and watch this video….
Doesn’t work with abuse.
Hello. Are you still taking appointments for coaching?