"When you know you can shut the gate and 'trust yourself, on this' you don't need to be hyper vigilant" Love this!!! I feel remembering and working at this..will change my life 🙏💛
Thanks so much. I'm in a situation like Lisa describes, and I'm at the end of my ability to live like this. I'm trying to find a way for a last chance talk that will be kind and fair and inviting, but without being ground down into accepting the usual emotionally empty relationship because there's no "real" reason for me to leave and plenty to stay. (I'd like to stay, but not like this) I've been praying for some advice like you gave. Thank you. I'll now go watch the video you suggested to get.
I would love to hear your thoughts on boundaries with opposite gender friends of married people and how to go about boundaries for having opposite gender friends.
my therapist pointed out to me that I am engulfed by my wife, codependent and have no boundaries. the marriage is enmeshed. she's tried like you have to explain this to me unfortunately I can't actually apply this. I have CPTSD and emotional dysregulation from Adverse Childhood Experiences and get abandonment fears triggered when I own her emotions and feel like I hurt her. my fall back is to dissociate, zone out and wall off my emotions because I can't manage them. we have a drama free transactional marriage that's very unfulfilled.
Hi Monika, thank you for the video. I struggle with the very concept of boundaries and lanes in a marriage - how to reconcile them with "two will become one flesh": us uniting ourselves to one another for life, and entrusting our emotional needs to one another... Doesn't the concept of a "lane" imply distance from your spouse? Doesn't the concept of a "boundary" imply the ability to emotionally disconnect from your spouse? I have no problem understanding this in case of a colleague at work or a cousin or even a sibling - but... it seems antithetical to a healthy marriage to me. What is "being married", why be married if I live in my "lane" and have an emotional "fence" around me that protects me from my spouse's emotional state? Where I am going wrong? Thank you.
Such a good question, as we tend to think a line between us implied distance. But in fact the stronger this line is, the closer you can become, because there is no fear of losing oneself or feeling unsafe. I think of a healthy marriage as being two whole people who operate interdependently, as a united team. Two become one flesh can still operate within this model. Having strong boundaries is not the same thing as being walled off. Good boundaries are flexible and allow things to pass through, like a healthy cell membrane. Hope this makes sense!
@@MonikaHoyt Thank you. Even if it doesn't make sense right away, I will be thinking about this. :-) I am also thinking about what boundaries are legitimate and where these boundaries are turning into walls... With two people from different backgrounds, different families, having different genetics - what is a healthy boundary for one, is a wall for another... :-( Thanks again.
"When you know you can shut the gate and 'trust yourself, on this' you don't need to be hyper vigilant" Love this!!! I feel remembering and working at this..will change my life 🙏💛
Thanks so much. I'm in a situation like Lisa describes, and I'm at the end of my ability to live like this. I'm trying to find a way for a last chance talk that will be kind and fair and inviting, but without being ground down into accepting the usual emotionally empty relationship because there's no "real" reason for me to leave and plenty to stay.
(I'd like to stay, but not like this)
I've been praying for some advice like you gave. Thank you. I'll now go watch the video you suggested to get.
I would love to hear your thoughts on boundaries with opposite gender friends of married people and how to go about boundaries for having opposite gender friends.
my therapist pointed out to me that I am engulfed by my wife, codependent and have no boundaries. the marriage is enmeshed. she's tried like you have to explain this to me unfortunately I can't actually apply this. I have CPTSD and emotional dysregulation from Adverse Childhood Experiences and get abandonment fears triggered when I own her emotions and feel like I hurt her. my fall back is to dissociate, zone out and wall off my emotions because I can't manage them. we have a drama free transactional marriage that's very unfulfilled.
Monika, Hello I am wondering about walls versus baumdsries.
This is such a great video!!
Say no to what for example
Hi Monika, thank you for the video. I struggle with the very concept of boundaries and lanes in a marriage - how to reconcile them with "two will become one flesh": us uniting ourselves to one another for life, and entrusting our emotional needs to one another... Doesn't the concept of a "lane" imply distance from your spouse? Doesn't the concept of a "boundary" imply the ability to emotionally disconnect from your spouse? I have no problem understanding this in case of a colleague at work or a cousin or even a sibling - but... it seems antithetical to a healthy marriage to me. What is "being married", why be married if I live in my "lane" and have an emotional "fence" around me that protects me from my spouse's emotional state? Where I am going wrong? Thank you.
Such a good question, as we tend to think a line between us implied distance. But in fact the stronger this line is, the closer you can become, because there is no fear of losing oneself or feeling unsafe. I think of a healthy marriage as being two whole people who operate interdependently, as a united team. Two become one flesh can still operate within this model. Having strong boundaries is not the same thing as being walled off. Good boundaries are flexible and allow things to pass through, like a healthy cell membrane. Hope this makes sense!
@@MonikaHoyt Thank you. Even if it doesn't make sense right away, I will be thinking about this. :-) I am also thinking about what boundaries are legitimate and where these boundaries are turning into walls... With two people from different backgrounds, different families, having different genetics - what is a healthy boundary for one, is a wall for another... :-( Thanks again.
Hi Monika sorry for asking but where can I find info about the 5 to 1 ratio of fundamental development thank you for your help its really appreciated
Hi Wendy you can sign up for my workshop where I explain this more here: masterclass.monikahoyt.com
But when do boundries just become stonewalling.
Having boundaries is not the same thing as being walled off!