This is so me. I can't even try. I just haven't been able to. I have learned but I am still afraid to risk it when it happens. I just had something relationship wise. I don't know for sure if he liked me but I have always been so shy and realistic since age 11. Now I lost my chance and wish I had taken the chance even though it wouldn't have lasted. I will never get another chance with him again. This is the second time. I give up. I'll never get it. I have had too many chances, trust me. I have had so many chances and I'm too old and never got it right. It will never happen again I know for a fact. It's only happened twice like this. It's so rare. That's what they say. It is rare, especially for me. It's not gonna happen like 20 times or something. If it happens a lot then it's not really rare.
You keep yourself small and don't life your full potential. You play it 'safe' bc that's how you've always done. Keeps you in the victim position. It sucks. Until one day, you simply have enough of it bc you've hit rock bottom and then...
“Life is such unutterable hell, solely because it is sometimes beautiful. If we could only be miserable all the time, if there could be no such things as love or beauty or faith or hope, if I could be absolutely certain that my love would never be returned: how much more simple life would be. One could plod through the Siberian salt mines of existence without being bothered about happiness. Unfortunately the happiness is there. There is always the chance (about eight hundred and fifty to one) that another heart will come to mine. I can't help hoping, and keeping faith, and loving beauty. Quite frequently I am not so miserable as it would be wise to be.” ― T.H. White, Ghostly, Grim and Gruesome
You hear a lot of people say "I'm just scared to be happy because everytime I am happy, there is something that tears it down." I think that explains part of our unease with happiness. We fear it because it seems fleeting. Rather not be happy, than known happyness and then have it destroyed. I think that fear often brings forth self sabotage.
@@ethernet3289 unfortunately, for some of us it is too late. My life will be over soon and regrets are so extremely difficult to deal with. If I had the knowledge before, I could have had a whole different life. But due to severe abuse as a child, I ended up being in abusive relationships. And I am alone, which may be a good thing since I was unconsciously attracted to all I had ever known. I appreciate your sentiment and kind words tho, even tho they weren't directed at me.
@@thanksforthetip2817 These are lines written by a poet, named Jaun Elia, meaning almost same as the original comment. Loose meaning: I am very strange, so strange that I destroyed myself and don't even regret it. While you're at it, you might wanna check some of his work in English translation. His words are very deep.
@@tamradawn1732 I hear you & you're right. Many people just don't want to hear about the truth of failure. I'm in the same boat as you. I learned too much too late. A terrible childhood made me a pretty poor human being. The hard-wiring is as solid as concrete for some of us & we spread our toxins without even truly knowing what we're doing.
I used to be like this, big time. And already back then I realized that I mainly did it because I couldn't understand why things were as they were. Why in the world would someone like me? There is so much wrong with me. So, act out what you think you are and see the result as an affirmation of what you already thought. It's an interesting thing to do and it is indeed out of fear (of rejection) And bloody hell, first video I've agreed with in forever.
Yaragar To be honest, it just sorta happened. When I started uni and work after, I just didn't have the time anymore to overthink about myself. It also helps that I'm quite good at what I do
Wow, this hits so close to home. I've always felt like once I finally achieve what I've set out to do with my life that I would die shortly after. It also explains why it's hard to see myself happy and able to have the things I want. Deep down I know I have what it takes but the self-sabotaging makes me feel unworthy, though I know I'm just as worthy as anyone else is. Tough to live with, man.
Do you think self-sabotage can come from low self esteem? The constant thought process that one deserves less or terrible things and hence knowingly or unknowingly destroys their lives?
Yes mate, that is *exactly* why people self-sabotage - at root they don't feel that they deserve happiness, because they don't like themselves (or, to be more accurate, they don't like the person they *imagine* themselves to be). If it's any consolation, you're by no means alone. :)
That is so accurate for me. I found out that I subconsciously destroy myself, because I hate and loathe myself so much. That's why I don't think I deserve happiness. I can't do things that I want to do that would actually make me feel better, not because I literally think to myself "you don't deserve it", but that is the reason behind it. And it's making it all even worse. It's so painful and I'm hurting a lot.
I ended an engagement because I felt too happy. I looked for the slightest reason to justify ending things and when I found one, I did it. All because when things go well for me I can't help but be afraid since I had such a messed up upbringing. Self-sabotage is truly a horrible thing.
I went ahead with one despite being so anxious and knowing it was the wrong choice. 25 years later still married, and deeply unhappy with my life. Trauma of job and home loss has made it almost unbearable
Awesome video guys. Explains a lot of the things going on in my life. The reason why we fail is because being happy seems to us as something transitory and uncomfortable. Most of us are scared if success since we get anxious about what we'd do after obtaining the thing which we desire. Becoming aware of this can help us a lot in dealing with failures and convincing ourselves that we truly deserve to be happy.
This is so me, when I dare go after something that could bring me happiness which for me is a decent job, I decide even before I have applied for a job sometimes that I will fail. On my first day I will decide how and where I will be fired and by whom and of course eventually I will fail. I think realising this has been my first step to improving my life. It is also comforting and reassuring that I'm not alone in this behaviour. Thank you for the video
The part about how feeling sad feels like home because it’s what we’ve come to know and be comfortable in, and how happiness is actually scary, really hit home for me. 😭😭😭
I don't get it. Why would happiness be scary? It sounds like we're jumping steps. If a person is traumatized, it isn't because happiness is scary it's because they have been shocked into being overly cautious.
My own form of self-sabotage, both in relationships and career, has taken the form of functioning to high standard, for which one is raised to positions of great trust esteem and responsibility - and then blowing it. Psychologists call this 'pseudo-competence' - the failure of outwardly successful people to believe that they really are as good as others seem to think - followed by self-sabotage in order to 'prove' it
It is so beautiful how TSOL manages to name things that are delicate, uneasy to observe, but very very present in our lives. I come to see each video with joy, because it helps me understand difficult behaviour of others and that of my own more than anything else. I love you a lot. If you were on Patreon, you would have my money, but apparently you can do without. Excellent job, I hope it is very far from end :) Thanks for making life much more pleasing and easier to live.
+The School of Life Thank you for make an effort in order to increase our self understandment, and therefor making people less suffering. (sorry for english)
***** Hello! I just would like to say that it's not possible to make a statement from two differente perspectives at the same time, and I undesrtand that the quote of +MasterofPlay was said from an eastern philosophical perspective, hence you can't interprate this perspective from the Existentialism, because it's just a different perspective. Just an opinion. Happy New Year!
+stucazztuest No, I'd never buy what I bought (for the price I bought it for) if it weren't for the accumulated guilt over running ad-block on a channel that provided me with great entertainment and education consistently over a longer period of time.
+stucazztuest Yes I am just like the millions. Millions! Smart content creators take a hint and come up with an alternative way of letting users pay them. Patreons, donation buttons, or a shop like SoL has. SoL didn't get my money by calling me a child or trying to make an add-supported video business model their 'right'. They got it by letting me pay them in a way that is acceptable to me. And it seems both SoL and I are happy about the deal. You're the only one who seems to have some issue with it.
In the past years I've come to understand what self sabotage, i.e. the inner saboteur is all about. When I say the inner saboteur, I refer to that one inner voice that makes you procrastinate even when you are about to do things that mean the world to you. Voice which makes life seem utterly pointless at times and discourages you from taking action at worse of times possible making you miss out on the opportunity you've been waiting for a long long time. Based on other people's' wisdom I accumulated so far, this inner saboteur is apparently a "materialization" of our inability to say NO to the outside world. This outside world of ours begins with our parents and gradually expands further and further as we grow older. And, as we mature we tend to give in more and more to the external expectations over our needs, desires or quirks. We don't even notice that we have this rationalization entrenched in our thoughts that says: "The more we give to the world, the more we can expect in return. So, in order to gain more and get accepted by the world, we tend to accept the world as much as we can. As a consequence, we internalize the way the world treats US, and we start saying NO to ourselves as much as the world says no to us, if not more. But the thing is, we do it to ourselves subconsciously in a very passive-aggressive way, that we usually don't even notice. And it becomes a hard place to recognize and even get out of, because saying NO is not something we know how to do naturally, since we are afraid of rejection that comes with it. Especially in dealings with our bosses, spouses, or even friends; who are already used to us being the way we are and expect us to say YES. And they can not comprehend we suffer because of it, and they react with vicious resistance when we attempt to break the mould in order to reduce the impact our inner saboteur has on our lives.
I sometimes get lulled into a sense of inevitability of my actions, leading to this self destructive nature. I need to remain mindful and above all, aware of my own tendencies. Thank you for the video.
I do this too. If I love someone, I don't deserve them and would rather foster those feelings from a safe distance. I don't want to break something that's good; It could be the friendship or the existing connection. It's fragile. So I stay in a childlike dreamland where love is a beautiful thing only grownups can have because *they're* responsible. *They* know what they're doing. Today's my 20th birthday and I still feel like I'm not allowed to touch it.
This is by far the biggest daemon I've had to contend with on my journey in life of realizing my max potential. As a budding entrepreneur, I am studying this subject extensively as to find ways to overcome and/or master it so that I can rise above it.
I'm not terrified of happiness. Rather, the things I was told would make me happy were in fact unbearably miserable when I achieved them. I was hoping for a video explaining why so many of our aspirations require such total surrender of all health, identity, and happiness -- and why I am unable to numb myself, make those sacrifices, and "succeed" like so many other people seem able to do.
I was a teacher for 23 years and for me this was the single most frustrating behavior among my students. Kids would do 90% of an important project and then suddenly become incapable of finishing it. It wasn't laziness, inability, or procrastination. They just hit a psychological wall when the finish line was well within sight. These were mostly marginal students who hadn't experienced much academic success before. My guess is that subconsciously they thought if they were successful with this assignment the expectation would be that they would also have to be successful with the next one and all the ones after that and they didn't want the burden of living up to those kinds of expectations time after time.
im ganna be honest. I've been watching your videos for a while now and they helped me in more ways than one. please keep them coming. your ever intellectual and you come at us people with a sense that you actually understand. thank you. im understanding myself more better but I have to say that you actually know me. take care guys.
Two months ago i lost the "love of my life". At least, the first person i felt passion and have trully loved in many many years. All because i couldn't believe that someone i admired and loved so much could feel the same for me. So i sabotage myself over and over... until she no longer could cope and decided to leave. If you're reading this, and felt something similar, please, go seek therapy. It took me this terrible pain for me to decide that i can't keep behaving like this. Now i know that if i had started going sooner i wouldn't have hurt her so much, and mostly, myself.
Innaction-everything your doing that isn't work-excuses, plans, apps, and reflections, all working against you. Be smart and work hard, the only way to change.
The last time I was truly happy was in 1986. Family pressures tore it all down and their opinions shamed me into believing I was worthless. I had been optimistic but each time I saw a chance to be happy again, that hope was cruelly beaten down. In 2022, I was diagnosed with mild autism, present since childhood. At nearly sixty I have lived with the fear and darkness of being alone for the rest of my life for well over thirty years. A year of therapy hasn’t made a dent in how I feel. One last family member is likely to live for another ten years and they have indicated they want me to meet someone, to take care of me after they have gone. I only look forward to the day I can finally die to be free of the pain.
Thank-you: Rough Notes- -Sometimes SSAB is caused because we are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with the success or peace. We prefer the struggles that we know rather than the success/peace that we don’t know (unknown)
Me too. Behaviour went crazy very destructive. Was unhappy, ungrateful and sabotaged and now made myself more unhappy. Gone mad I think. Oh promising years in my career feel like I have jeopardise this. I got what I wanted but I didn't react well - didn't communicate well and became very negative. Sabotage myself further by not taking a new path out of my situation sure I should have followed my heart and took a leap of faith.
At times we self sabotage because we feel we don't deserve the reward or success. Or if you're a pessimist who sees bad omens at every turn, you sometimes feel that getting what you want is a hoax that'll soon fall apart, and leave you completely disappointed. Or fear that you're not up to the new responsibilities that comes with a new opportunity. So you'd rather sabotage everything now than make a fool of yourself later.
Amazing video, really needed this Just read about this in the “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield and his view is similar for the most part: “We fear this(success) because, if it’s true, then we become estranged from all we know” Is this what was meant by that popular quote that says “ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. “
and i think there is the sweet felling of self pity, it's almost as sweet as the feeling of accomplishment, love your videos and your interpretations by the way, greetings from sudan.😉
Time passes. I observe it passing. I know there are things I have to do. I don't do them. I get frustrated for not doing anything. Still, time goes by, work builds up (I don't do anything about it). I feel frustrated; and this viscous cycle keeps on going. It has been more than a month like this. I hate it being like this, and I hate doing anything to solve it. I hate myself.
Watched this again to find some comfort in being understood... one of the difficulties with this is that it's not something you can easily explain. How do you say "I'm scared of having a happy life" to your partner when you know they love you and you love them. And go about sabotaging your attempts at moving in together, marrying. When something big and exciting is about to happen in life, I panic and I withdraw and I wish to go back to my mom's home and live without ever being excited about anything again. I am aware that I deserve and I've fought for happiness, but when this overwhelming panic hits me I wish for no one to have to deal with it. That is why I do not want have children, sad as it sounds.
+Deniz Erdogan Actually, his rhetorical question is on point. The ratio of music to talking volumes at a party is often far worse than in this video. I was easily able to pick out what was being said in the video, so it must be some sort of attention deficiency that's getting in the way of understanding what's being said.
+Yaragar I agree with you, kinda. My brain wants to hear the song, so I have to fight the urge to listen to the song. If it was louder then I think I wouldn't have to fight so hard. If it was softer then maybe my brain could just accept it as background noise. But I find the sound level in the video extremely annoying.
+Shoeberry Pie Maybe it has to with something more obvious like the mixing of both speech and the background music or the quality of the device you are listening. Your comment was so cringeworthy I had to reply.
people sabotage relationships, for all sorts of reasons, sometime unconsciously, accidentally or intentionally, while i believe i am one of these type people, these vedio s help make people aware of and educated. Thank you School of Life.
I self sabotage because deep down from childhood I have a feeling of not being good enough. So deep down I feel I don’t deserve it, whatever “it” is. Pretty simple figuring it out...now trying to change it.
The background music on the first 2/3 of the video is too loud that it competes with Alain's voice. I don't know if that's the purpose but I cannot fully understand what he is saying. But thank you for this video. I still like it, despite my complains :)
Ever since the introspection video I've been trying to improve myself for the better. But now i realized that my failure to improve might have been just me being my self saboteur self.
This is my brother. We finally had that defining fight where we might not talk to each other anymore. I am on my own now. And I feel sad, but things do feel brighter now that I don't speak to him. I feel guilt in the sense that the fight could have been my fault, but after the fight I realize that glaring problem that my brother has of himself. I don't wish him well. And I don't care what self district issues he has. I feel it's a game. A stance of dominance over someone else. It would have been better for my brother to just act more grown up.
I get this way because I find it hard to talk to anybody in my family about my problems because every one of them goes on about how they "have enough problems to deal with." So I instinctually keep my problems to myself because I always assume everyone around me doesn't have time to deal with it and I'll just be a burden on them. I just want someone to hear what I'm going through.
This is why, again, you should treat other people with kindness and understanding, to build them up. Self-conciousness can lead to so many disfunctionalities of your soul.
Man I'm doing this now... Just got a job after 11 months without work (and yeah some legal trouble). The position is more responsibility and pay than I've ever had and I've been fighting off negativity in my head about performance for two weeks. I start Monday and I'm trying to not sabotage myself.
This video is actually very helpful. I've actually gotten a significant promotion at work in the last year, and I think I was going down this path a little bit. I'm calming down now though, lol.
Just watched a movie called Annihilation that's an allegory for self destruction and it lead me to search this topic. I've been in a subconscious war with my own self destructive behavior, some of it I wasn't even aware of. Small things like minimizing my own accomplishments, to the extreme like wanting to buy a motorcycle, even after seeing people mangled in a highway crash. I can't say for sure if it came from childhood verbal abuse, bullying, alienation, rejection from important people in my life, or the shame from not fighting back, but I've been through all those things. I think a lot of us have this subconscious self hate to varying degrees. Some do drugs and eat food they know is harmful, some get into and stay in abusive relationships, and lots of people just can't stand to see others feel good about themselves. I've been actively fighting back through diet (self care) and exercise (resistance) and it's helped. I don't have as many destructive desires, but there is still lots of work to do. Self sabotage is a psychological force that you have to resist.
As usual a sensible and insightful video. Human psychology is truly strange, but that's part of what makes the human experience so interesting, I suppose. The life long quest for truth and knowledge does not exclude the mysterious internal world located in the 3 pounds of tissue in our noggins. If anyone wants more on this kind of "bad brain" stuff I suggest looking up "Thinking Fast and Slow" a book that highlights cognitive bias, or the specific illogical decisions our brains tend to make.
There's no doubt that self perception is the matter, isn't it? In my case I procastinate almost everything because of the fear that I will not do my best so I finish doing almost anything. Thanks for your videos and ideas, Alain.
When people or things feel unfamiliar I run. Iv'e been told I'm a natural writer by many of my teachers, but I'm too afraid to pick up a pen out of pure passion. When nice people come along I bolt. It's intimidating. What if they don't like me? What if I fail? Or even worse what if they do like me? What if I love it too much? At this point I think the people around me have given up. But Iv'e realized that writing is and always has been my first love.
This video is the epitome of self sabotage - expecting you to absorb thought provoking concepts while playing funky old music haphazardly in the background.
Love the music on the background, but, really, it distracts you too much. Specially when this is something so accurate but, at the same time, so profoundly difficult to understand about ourselves and our lives. "Self sabotage" is, undoubtadly, one of the most profound mechanisms of destruction of life, and so, one matter i would thank School of Life could explore more.
I'm guilty of self sabotage in the form of cutting ties with friends I believe don't really care about me? To find out soon after that I was mistaken. I try not to do this anymore. I also haven't attempted to have another relationship with a woman in over eight years. I haven't even been on a date. This one is quite difficult because I'm completely aimless in if or why I want that companionship.
Once again very insightful - School of Life is doing wonderful service for all of "humanity" - Shining the light on many facets and dark corners of our confused ignorance - Wish I could be Alain de Botton's son - May be that may happen in the next life - Or some subsequent life
On the contrary, self-sabotage allowed me to see people around me for what they really are. I’ve never been in any romantic relationship nor plan on it anytime soon, however, I grew up pretty much being seen as a problematic child despite good grades and never being in any trouble. Once I dug my own hole I felt free, free from caring about what others may think, what I may think, and the depression was more comforting than anything. So yes, self-sabotage has allowed me to connect with myself as a human but I don’t like knowing I’m powerless if I’m not working hard.
My parents raised me to subconsciously believe that I could not be happy unless they were happy (parentalized child). And I have transferred this into my adult life in the guise of a humanitarian mentality. I do not deserve happiness unless I have perfectly satisfied an external need. Not feeling deserving of happiness and transferring the quality of being absolutely draining does a double whammy to my relationships. I was also motivated to work very hard to appease the external so at least my schooling/career gets somewhere because of this. Anyways my real point is that my maladapted model for happiness kind-of shrivels up and goes into a corner after it stands next to the kinder, more reflective models alluded to in this video.
This behaviour can stem from self-hatred. I read about this people deeply and sometime unconciously hate themselves for many different reasons. Self image plays a huge part in what we think we deserve in life. Self-schema is also a big part in this dialma.
Happiness is not some kind of state you can just be in for years. The only time we feel truely happy is when our situation improves significantly. The problem is that a life can't possibly improve all the time, so our mood stagnates and that's when we may be complacent - but not happy. In order to experience happiness again, we need to create problems that cause sorrow in our lives so that we can thrive on the relief, when the problem dissolves itself. This is an odd behaviour, but as far as I know, it's true.
Not taking life too seriously as I'm just passing thru..I'm a darn good fellow who was led to believe I was rotten.. I grew up in a religious tradition so of course I'm crazy.. I think that mental illness can be overcome like any physical handicap.. With a clear understanding of life I found that I'm aok
I feel like self sabotage is oftentimes the result of a disconnect between what someone wants and what they think they want, leading to seemingly contradictory behaviour.
The other side of self-sabotage is fear of failure leading you to just not try in the first place.
too true
That's very true, and fear of failure is understandable, I think. It's fear of *success* that really blows my mind :D
This IS self-sabotaging indeed.
This is so me. I can't even try. I just haven't been able to. I have learned but I am still afraid to risk it when it happens. I just had something relationship wise. I don't know for sure if he liked me but I have always been so shy and realistic since age 11. Now I lost my chance and wish I had taken the chance even though it wouldn't have lasted. I will never get another chance with him again. This is the second time. I give up. I'll never get it. I have had too many chances, trust me. I have had so many chances and I'm too old and never got it right. It will never happen again I know for a fact. It's only happened twice like this. It's so rare. That's what they say. It is rare, especially for me. It's not gonna happen like 20 times or something. If it happens a lot then it's not really rare.
You keep yourself small and don't life your full potential. You play it 'safe' bc that's how you've always done. Keeps you in the victim position. It sucks. Until one day, you simply have enough of it bc you've hit rock bottom and then...
”Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it and embrace them.”
- Rumi
"self sabotage may leave us sad, but at least safely, blessedly in control" :(
"I miss the comfort in being sad" -Kurt Cobain. Sums it up quite eloquently I think
Kurt is a fine source of advice for life.
soslothful but he killed himself
Samar At That's the point
“Life is such unutterable hell, solely because it is sometimes beautiful. If we could only be miserable all the time, if there could be no such things as love or beauty or faith or hope, if I could be absolutely certain that my love would never be returned: how much more simple life would be. One could plod through the Siberian salt mines of existence without being bothered about happiness. Unfortunately the happiness is there. There is always the chance (about eight hundred and fifty to one) that another heart will come to mine. I can't help hoping, and keeping faith, and loving beauty. Quite frequently I am not so miserable as it would be wise to be.”
― T.H. White, Ghostly, Grim and Gruesome
@@subscriberswithnovideos-xw9xc XD
You hear a lot of people say "I'm just scared to be happy because everytime I am happy, there is something that tears it down." I think that explains part of our unease with happiness. We fear it because it seems fleeting. Rather not be happy, than known happyness and then have it destroyed. I think that fear often brings forth self sabotage.
safety first, ladies and gentleman.
Accurately articulated it👌
Some of us get so used to unhappiness that when happiness comes to us, we don’t know how to handle it.
I could have a beautiful life, but I sabotaged everything. I am completely ruined and I somehow enjoy telling this.
Hey, you always have a opportunity to live a beautiful life. It's a daily struggle all of us deal with. You're not alone.
@@ethernet3289 unfortunately, for some of us it is too late. My life will be over soon and regrets are so extremely difficult to deal with. If I had the knowledge before, I could have had a whole different life. But due to severe abuse as a child, I ended up being in abusive relationships. And I am alone, which may be a good thing since I was unconsciously attracted to all I had ever known. I appreciate your sentiment and kind words tho, even tho they weren't directed at me.
"Main bhi bahut ajeeb hoon
Itna ajeeb hoon ki bas,
Khud ko tabah kar liya
Aur Malal bhi nahi."
- Jaun Elia.
@@thanksforthetip2817 These are lines written by a poet, named Jaun Elia, meaning almost same as the original comment.
Loose meaning: I am very strange, so strange that I destroyed myself and don't even regret it.
While you're at it, you might wanna check some of his work in English translation. His words are very deep.
@@tamradawn1732 I hear you & you're right. Many people just don't want to hear about the truth of failure. I'm in the same boat as you. I learned too much too late. A terrible childhood made me a pretty poor human being. The hard-wiring is as solid as concrete for some of us & we spread our toxins without even truly knowing what we're doing.
This channel is probably going to save my life..
How is it now ?
You good bro?
Feeling 's mutual dude
Hang in there bro!
All channels can potentially save lives
This video has been self sabotaged by having the background music too loud
ha..... so true !
Yeah it was so distracting I couldn't get anything from the video :(
I could not agree more
fake news
The sound, the speed and the amount of images and adverbs make it really hard to follow such an interesting theme... :(
I used to be like this, big time. And already back then I realized that I mainly did it because I couldn't understand why things were as they were. Why in the world would someone like me? There is so much wrong with me. So, act out what you think you are and see the result as an affirmation of what you already thought.
It's an interesting thing to do and it is indeed out of fear (of rejection)
And bloody hell, first video I've agreed with in forever.
+Shangori daring decision/choice ,maybe some day :)
Yaragar To be honest, it just sorta happened. When I started uni and work after, I just didn't have the time anymore to overthink about myself. It also helps that I'm quite good at what I do
and what do you do sir?
gee
Yaragar I'm currently head of development and innovation at a bigger company.
"We have no difficulty being charming with the types we aren't so keen on"
That's my life in one phrase. Damn that's accurate
Wow, this hits so close to home. I've always felt like once I finally achieve what I've set out to do with my life that I would die shortly after. It also explains why it's hard to see myself happy and able to have the things I want. Deep down I know I have what it takes but the self-sabotaging makes me feel unworthy, though I know I'm just as worthy as anyone else is. Tough to live with, man.
Do you think self-sabotage can come from low self esteem? The constant thought process that one deserves less or terrible things and hence knowingly or unknowingly destroys their lives?
Yes mate, that is *exactly* why people self-sabotage - at root they don't feel that they deserve happiness, because they don't like themselves (or, to be more accurate, they don't like the person they *imagine* themselves to be). If it's any consolation, you're by no means alone. :)
I sabotage even my knowledge.
D: 😂😂😂😂
wonderful......
That is so accurate for me. I found out that I subconsciously destroy myself, because I hate and loathe myself so much. That's why I don't think I deserve happiness. I can't do things that I want to do that would actually make me feel better, not because I literally think to myself "you don't deserve it", but that is the reason behind it. And it's making it all even worse. It's so painful and I'm hurting a lot.
"More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones."
I ended an engagement because I felt too happy. I looked for the slightest reason to justify ending things and when I found one, I did it. All because when things go well for me I can't help but be afraid since I had such a messed up upbringing. Self-sabotage is truly a horrible thing.
I'm so sorry. I hope life's been good after you realised this
I went ahead with one despite being so anxious and knowing it was the wrong choice. 25 years later still married, and deeply unhappy with my life. Trauma of job and home loss has made it almost unbearable
I just realized that I'm the epitome of self-sabotage after watching this video.
I've spent all week ruining my chance of getting into art school. I understand now.
+Operation D.I.P. You and me both, let's learn how to get through it together. :)
+southparkking2 😊
Yup, totally with you there too :(
+Operation D.I.P. Yup Just realized I ruined me own chances with a girl I really like.
Awesome video guys. Explains a lot of the things going on in my life. The reason why we fail is because being happy seems to us as something transitory and uncomfortable. Most of us are scared if success since we get anxious about what we'd do after obtaining the thing which we desire.
Becoming aware of this can help us a lot in dealing with failures and convincing ourselves that we truly deserve to be happy.
This is so me, when I dare go after something that could bring me happiness which for me is a decent job, I decide even before I have applied for a job sometimes that I will fail. On my first day I will decide how and where I will be fired and by whom and of course eventually I will fail. I think realising this has been my first step to improving my life. It is also comforting and reassuring that I'm not alone in this behaviour. Thank you for the video
Fear of success is really fear of the unknown if it's new to us. Great video, thanks!
Great, I had no idea of the reasons behind self-sabotage is the fact we are comfortable with misery and find success and happiness so alien.
The part about how feeling sad feels like home because it’s what we’ve come to know and be comfortable in, and how happiness is actually scary, really hit home for me. 😭😭😭
I don't get it. Why would happiness be scary? It sounds like we're jumping steps. If a person is traumatized, it isn't because happiness is scary it's because they have been shocked into being overly cautious.
My own form of self-sabotage, both in relationships and career, has taken the form of functioning to high standard, for which one is raised to positions of great trust esteem and responsibility - and then blowing it.
Psychologists call this 'pseudo-competence' - the failure of outwardly successful people to believe that they really are as good as others seem to think - followed by self-sabotage in order to 'prove' it
I really like your videos. You speak with authenticity and authority, but also with compassion. I respect that. Thank you for your hard work.
It is so beautiful how TSOL manages to name things that are delicate, uneasy to observe, but very very present in our lives. I come to see each video with joy, because it helps me understand difficult behaviour of others and that of my own more than anything else. I love you a lot. If you were on Patreon, you would have my money, but apparently you can do without. Excellent job, I hope it is very far from end :) Thanks for making life much more pleasing and easier to live.
Ok, you finally did it. Time to head for your shop to throw some money at you. Thank you :)
+The School of Life Thank you for make an effort in order to increase our self understandment, and therefor making people less suffering. (sorry for english)
+zelial3 like a year end bonus
***** Hello! I just would like to say that it's not possible to make a statement from two differente perspectives at the same time, and I undesrtand that the quote of +MasterofPlay was said from an eastern philosophical perspective, hence you can't interprate this perspective from the Existentialism, because it's just a different perspective. Just an opinion. Happy New Year!
+stucazztuest No, I'd never buy what I bought (for the price I bought it for) if it weren't for the accumulated guilt over running ad-block on a channel that provided me with great entertainment and education consistently over a longer period of time.
+stucazztuest Yes I am just like the millions. Millions!
Smart content creators take a hint and come up with an alternative way of letting users pay them. Patreons, donation buttons, or a shop like SoL has. SoL didn't get my money by calling me a child or trying to make an add-supported video business model their 'right'. They got it by letting me pay them in a way that is acceptable to me.
And it seems both SoL and I are happy about the deal. You're the only one who seems to have some issue with it.
In the past years I've come to understand what self sabotage, i.e. the inner saboteur is all about. When I say the inner saboteur, I refer to that one inner voice that makes you procrastinate even when you are about to do things that mean the world to you. Voice which makes life seem utterly pointless at times and discourages you from taking action at worse of times possible making you miss out on the opportunity you've been waiting for a long long time.
Based on other people's' wisdom I accumulated so far, this inner saboteur is apparently a "materialization" of our inability to say NO to the outside world. This outside world of ours begins with our parents and gradually expands further and further as we grow older. And, as we mature we tend to give in more and more to the external expectations over our needs, desires or quirks.
We don't even notice that we have this rationalization entrenched in our thoughts that says: "The more we give to the world, the more we can expect in return. So, in order to gain more and get accepted by the world, we tend to accept the world as much as we can. As a consequence, we internalize the way the world treats US, and we start saying NO to ourselves as much as the world says no to us, if not more. But the thing is, we do it to ourselves subconsciously in a very passive-aggressive way, that we usually don't even notice. And it becomes a hard place to recognize and even get out of, because saying NO is not something we know how to do naturally, since we are afraid of rejection that comes with it. Especially in dealings with our bosses, spouses, or even friends; who are already used to us being the way we are and expect us to say YES. And they can not comprehend we suffer because of it, and they react with vicious resistance when we attempt to break the mould in order to reduce the impact our inner saboteur has on our lives.
I sometimes get lulled into a sense of inevitability of my actions, leading to this self destructive nature. I need to remain mindful and above all, aware of my own tendencies. Thank you for the video.
This is the best channel on TH-cam. Period.
I love the comment sections on these videos because of the calm, respectful, and curious reactions to conflicting opinions people voice.
I seek self sabotage now smh I think to myself "let's see how deep of a hole I can dig myself in"
I do this too. If I love someone, I don't deserve them and would rather foster those feelings from a safe distance. I don't want to break something that's good; It could be the friendship or the existing connection. It's fragile. So I stay in a childlike dreamland where love is a beautiful thing only grownups can have because *they're* responsible. *They* know what they're doing. Today's my 20th birthday and I still feel like I'm not allowed to touch it.
Hello Elina. Being same age and having similar fears, could relate to every word that's written above.
Hope you're doing good.
This is by far the biggest daemon I've had to contend with on my journey in life of realizing my max potential. As a budding entrepreneur, I am studying this subject extensively as to find ways to overcome and/or master it so that I can rise above it.
My friend. 4 years went by. Hope you made some progress. Keep your head up.
“How hard and truly unnerving it can be to be close to what you truly want”
I'm not terrified of happiness. Rather, the things I was told would make me happy were in fact unbearably miserable when I achieved them. I was hoping for a video explaining why so many of our aspirations require such total surrender of all health, identity, and happiness -- and why I am unable to numb myself, make those sacrifices, and "succeed" like so many other people seem able to do.
I was a teacher for 23 years and for me this was the single most frustrating behavior among my students. Kids would do 90% of an important project and then suddenly become incapable of finishing it. It wasn't laziness, inability, or procrastination. They just hit a psychological wall when the finish line was well within sight. These were mostly marginal students who hadn't experienced much academic success before. My guess is that subconsciously they thought if they were successful with this assignment the expectation would be that they would also have to be successful with the next one and all the ones after that and they didn't want the burden of living up to those kinds of expectations time after time.
I have to say this channel is awesome, I rarely feel so touched by something like that. But you manage to catch my interest every-time !
Here we go again, lol. Back to binge watching The School of Life videos.
feel ya
I think it's so interesting because people self sabotage but people do it on a unconscious level.
Wow this really opened my mind.I kept on asking my self "Why do I want to be sad somtimes?Why can't I understand being happy?"Its weird I know
im ganna be honest. I've been watching your videos for a while now and they helped me in more ways than one. please keep them coming. your ever intellectual and you come at us people with a sense that you actually understand. thank you. im understanding myself more better but I have to say that you actually know me. take care guys.
Damn, this perfectly explains why I turned down a big promotion at the office and started becoming more aloof from being a star performer.
Two months ago i lost the "love of my life". At least, the first person i felt passion and have trully loved in many many years. All because i couldn't believe that someone i admired and loved so much could feel the same for me. So i sabotage myself over and over... until she no longer could cope and decided to leave.
If you're reading this, and felt something similar, please, go seek therapy. It took me this terrible pain for me to decide that i can't keep behaving like this.
Now i know that if i had started going sooner i wouldn't have hurt her so much, and mostly, myself.
Innaction-everything your doing that isn't work-excuses, plans, apps, and reflections, all working against you. Be smart and work hard, the only way to change.
The last time I was truly happy was in 1986. Family pressures tore it all down and their opinions shamed me into believing I was worthless. I had been optimistic but each time I saw a chance to be happy again, that hope was cruelly beaten down.
In 2022, I was diagnosed with mild autism, present since childhood.
At nearly sixty I have lived with the fear and darkness of being alone for the rest of my life for well over thirty years.
A year of therapy hasn’t made a dent in how I feel. One last family member is likely to live for another ten years and they have indicated they want me to meet someone, to take care of me after they have gone.
I only look forward to the day I can finally die to be free of the pain.
The only way to dislike Alain's videos is to be in denial. Not knowing yourself, or simply put being offended by his statements.
For what it's worth, In my head you have supplanted Sam Harris as the single most insightful philosopher currently producing content
Thank-you: Rough Notes-
-Sometimes SSAB is caused because we are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with the success or peace. We prefer the struggles that we know rather than the success/peace that we don’t know (unknown)
Background music is too loud. Is this your demonstration of self sabotage?
Me too. Behaviour went crazy very destructive. Was unhappy, ungrateful and sabotaged and now made myself more unhappy. Gone mad I think. Oh promising years in my career feel like I have jeopardise this. I got what I wanted but I didn't react well - didn't communicate well and became very negative. Sabotage myself further by not taking a new path out of my situation sure I should have followed my heart and took a leap of faith.
At times we self sabotage because we feel we don't deserve the reward or success. Or if you're a pessimist who sees bad omens at every turn, you sometimes feel that getting what you want is a hoax that'll soon fall apart, and leave you completely disappointed. Or fear that you're not up to the new responsibilities that comes with a new opportunity. So you'd rather sabotage everything now than make a fool of yourself later.
Amazing video, really needed this
Just read about this in the “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield and his view is similar for the most part:
“We fear this(success) because, if it’s true, then we become estranged from all we know”
Is this what was meant by that popular quote that says
“ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. “
and i think there is the sweet felling of self pity, it's almost as sweet as the feeling of accomplishment, love your videos and your interpretations by the way, greetings from sudan.😉
The music is too loud and distracting!! It's driving me mad!! And I love this kind of music 😱
The music disturbs the listening to the text. it irritates....its a pity because this brilliant speaker is always so deeply interesting .
Time passes. I observe it passing. I know there are things I have to do. I don't do them. I get frustrated for not doing anything.
Still, time goes by, work builds up (I don't do anything about it). I feel frustrated; and this viscous cycle keeps on going. It has been more than a month like this. I hate it being like this, and I hate doing anything to solve it.
I hate myself.
Watched this again to find some comfort in being understood... one of the difficulties with this is that it's not something you can easily explain. How do you say "I'm scared of having a happy life" to your partner when you know they love you and you love them. And go about sabotaging your attempts at moving in together, marrying. When something big and exciting is about to happen in life, I panic and I withdraw and I wish to go back to my mom's home and live without ever being excited about anything again. I am aware that I deserve and I've fought for happiness, but when this overwhelming panic hits me I wish for no one to have to deal with it. That is why I do not want have children, sad as it sounds.
This is one gem of a channel, some truly interesting and thought provoking videos.
I kinda wish this was animated. The video was a little distracting but the words were great
*IKR*
+
seniorita polyester I just wrote basically the same comment. I am so glad it's not just me.
I love how the school of life doesn't RESIST such things, rather they embrace all these things humans normally reject.
aaaaand AGAIN the music is too loud so i need to turn ON subtitles...
You need subtitles when you go to a party?
+Dantick09 This might be the dumbest thing to say here.
+Deniz Erdogan Actually, his rhetorical question is on point. The ratio of music to talking volumes at a party is often far worse than in this video. I was easily able to pick out what was being said in the video, so it must be some sort of attention deficiency that's getting in the way of understanding what's being said.
+Yaragar I agree with you, kinda. My brain wants to hear the song, so I have to fight the urge to listen to the song. If it was louder then I think I wouldn't have to fight so hard. If it was softer then maybe my brain could just accept it as background noise. But I find the sound level in the video extremely annoying.
+Shoeberry Pie Maybe it has to with something more obvious like the mixing of both speech and the background music or the quality of the device you are listening. Your comment was so cringeworthy I had to reply.
people sabotage relationships, for all sorts of reasons, sometime unconsciously, accidentally or intentionally, while i believe i am one of these type people, these vedio s help make people aware of and educated. Thank you School of Life.
I self sabotage because deep down from childhood I have a feeling of not being good enough. So deep down I feel I don’t deserve it, whatever “it” is. Pretty simple figuring it out...now trying to change it.
The background music on the first 2/3 of the video is too loud that it competes with Alain's voice. I don't know if that's the purpose but I cannot fully understand what he is saying. But thank you for this video. I still like it, despite my complains :)
Wow look how thin everyone was in the 50s. What a difference real food makes. Good video. Happy New Year.
Ever since the introspection video I've been trying to improve myself for the better. But now i realized that my failure to improve might have been just me being my self saboteur self.
Me finally being in a healthy relationship having intrusive thoughts to leave 😅
This is my brother. We finally had that defining fight where we might not talk to each other anymore. I am on my own now. And I feel sad, but things do feel brighter now that I don't speak to him.
I feel guilt in the sense that the fight could have been my fault, but after the fight I realize that glaring problem that my brother has of himself. I don't wish him well. And I don't care what self district issues he has.
I feel it's a game. A stance of dominance over someone else. It would have been better for my brother to just act more grown up.
this is honesly the best chanel on youtube
I get this way because I find it hard to talk to anybody in my family about my problems because every one of them goes on about how they "have enough problems to deal with." So I instinctually keep my problems to myself because I always assume everyone around me doesn't have time to deal with it and I'll just be a burden on them.
I just want someone to hear what I'm going through.
This is why, again, you should treat other people with kindness and understanding, to build them up. Self-conciousness can lead to so many disfunctionalities of your soul.
Happiness doesn't feel like home... Wow.. That hit me strong
Man I'm doing this now...
Just got a job after 11 months without work (and yeah some legal trouble). The position is more responsibility and pay than I've ever had and I've been fighting off negativity in my head about performance for two weeks. I start Monday and I'm trying to not sabotage myself.
Oh my fucking _______ - I finally understand why my EX left me 2 months ago - Thank you so much, that's a real relief for me !!!
school of life meets the art of manliness
This video is actually very helpful. I've actually gotten a significant promotion at work in the last year, and I think I was going down this path a little bit. I'm calming down now though, lol.
Just watched a movie called Annihilation that's an allegory for self destruction and it lead me to search this topic. I've been in a subconscious war with my own self destructive behavior, some of it I wasn't even aware of. Small things like minimizing my own accomplishments, to the extreme like wanting to buy a motorcycle, even after seeing people mangled in a highway crash. I can't say for sure if it came from childhood verbal abuse, bullying, alienation, rejection from important people in my life, or the shame from not fighting back, but I've been through all those things.
I think a lot of us have this subconscious self hate to varying degrees. Some do drugs and eat food they know is harmful, some get into and stay in abusive relationships, and lots of people just can't stand to see others feel good about themselves. I've been actively fighting back through diet (self care) and exercise (resistance) and it's helped. I don't have as many destructive desires, but there is still lots of work to do. Self sabotage is a psychological force that you have to resist.
As usual a sensible and insightful video. Human psychology is truly strange, but that's part of what makes the human experience so interesting, I suppose. The life long quest for truth and knowledge does not exclude the mysterious internal world located in the 3 pounds of tissue in our noggins. If anyone wants more on this kind of "bad brain" stuff I suggest looking up "Thinking Fast and Slow" a book that highlights cognitive bias, or the specific illogical decisions our brains tend to make.
There's no doubt that self perception is the matter, isn't it? In my case I procastinate almost everything because of the fear that I will not do my best so I finish doing almost anything.
Thanks for your videos and ideas, Alain.
When people or things feel unfamiliar I run. Iv'e been told I'm a natural writer by many of my teachers, but I'm too afraid to pick up a pen out of pure passion. When nice people come along I bolt. It's intimidating. What if they don't like me? What if I fail? Or even worse what if they do like me? What if I love it too much? At this point I think the people around me have given up. But Iv'e realized that writing is and always has been my first love.
This video is the epitome of self sabotage - expecting you to absorb thought provoking concepts while playing funky old music haphazardly in the background.
Yeah I'm pretty much the definition of that thing about "it's not her saying no that terrifies me, but instead her saying yes"
Love the music on the background, but, really, it distracts you too much. Specially when this is something so accurate but, at the same time, so profoundly difficult to understand about ourselves and our lives. "Self sabotage" is, undoubtadly, one of the most profound mechanisms of destruction of life, and so, one matter i would thank School of Life could explore more.
yup... just finished ending a relationship that had not even started, then this video comes up...excellent... 😒
To be at peace, but single in sorrow. Or be in doubt, yet share what it means to trust in today despite the uncertainty of tomorrow.
I can't come back from this one.
I'm guilty of self sabotage in the form of cutting ties with friends I believe don't really care about me? To find out soon after that I was mistaken.
I try not to do this anymore.
I also haven't attempted to have another relationship with a woman in over eight years. I haven't even been on a date. This one is quite difficult because I'm completely aimless in if or why I want that companionship.
Once again very insightful - School of Life is doing wonderful service for all of "humanity" - Shining the light on many facets and dark corners of our confused ignorance - Wish I could be Alain de Botton's son - May be that may happen in the next life - Or some subsequent life
On the contrary, self-sabotage allowed me to see people around me for what they really are. I’ve never been in any romantic relationship nor plan on it anytime soon, however, I grew up pretty much being seen as a problematic child despite good grades and never being in any trouble.
Once I dug my own hole I felt free, free from caring about what others may think, what I may think, and the depression was more comforting than anything. So yes, self-sabotage has allowed me to connect with myself as a human but I don’t like knowing I’m powerless if I’m not working hard.
My parents raised me to subconsciously believe that I could not be happy unless they were happy (parentalized child). And I have transferred this into my adult life in the guise of a humanitarian mentality. I do not deserve happiness unless I have perfectly satisfied an external need. Not feeling deserving of happiness and transferring the quality of being absolutely draining does a double whammy to my relationships. I was also motivated to work very hard to appease the external so at least my schooling/career gets somewhere because of this.
Anyways my real point is that my maladapted model for happiness kind-of shrivels up and goes into a corner after it stands next to the kinder, more reflective models alluded to in this video.
This behaviour can stem from self-hatred. I read about this people deeply and sometime unconciously hate themselves for many different reasons. Self image plays a huge part in what we think we deserve in life. Self-schema is also a big part in this dialma.
Very eye-opening. Now I know what one of my biggest problems is!
Happiness is not some kind of state you can just be in for years. The only time we feel truely happy is when our situation improves significantly. The problem is that a life can't possibly improve all the time, so our mood stagnates and that's when we may be complacent - but not happy. In order to experience happiness again, we need to create problems that cause sorrow in our lives so that we can thrive on the relief, when the problem dissolves itself.
This is an odd behaviour, but as far as I know, it's true.
Not taking life too seriously as I'm just passing thru..I'm a darn good fellow who was led to believe I was rotten..
I grew up in a religious tradition so of course I'm crazy..
I think that mental illness can be overcome like any physical handicap..
With a clear understanding of life I found that I'm aok
I feel like self sabotage is oftentimes the result of a disconnect between what someone wants and what they think they want, leading to seemingly contradictory behaviour.
I think I'll watch this one every day for the next 10 days/ years
heads up to anyone watching this instead of revising, living out the video whilst watching it.
That song that plays in the background is really annoying. I had a hard time hearing what was being said.
Thank you SoL. I can greatly relate to this video.
A 30 second un-skippable ad, nice.