crazy timing, i just had a long discussion with my therapist today about self esteem and its effects. One thing he said (paraphrasing) was “self compassion and empathy are the lights that we should shine towards the shadow of shame, then the shadow has nowhere to form, nowhere to go”
"Crazy timing", you say? :D lol, your smartphone was listening all along, that's why it suggested you this vid :) well, for once a good interaction with user profiling
I struggled with the chains and shackles of my childhood and family. neglect and not being seen is where I lived most of my life. I broke off contact with my whole family this year as I turned 30, and tried many ways/therapies to understand them. What I really needed was an understanding of myself and my self-worth. I broke the cycle for my daughter's sake and am teaching her self-empathy and making her feel seen, validated, and cherished. To everyone else, there are two families in your life: Biological and the people you choose to have in your life because they bring prosperity, support, and kindness.
That's beautiful. I'm 25 and I'm just realizing how messed up how messed up my parents were. Their parenting essentially boiled down to "Do it or I'll beat you again. I am going to drill this into your head." Things were never explained and I was never taught things out of compassion. They just told me to meet their expectations without much guidance or support. I often think about how I would parent my future children and I hope to break the cycle before it's too late. But reading about your comment gave me hope :') I wish you and your daughter the best
@@heavensgone thank you so much. Your support means a ton to me. I love that you want better for yourself as well. That is such a crucial step and shows how far you have come yourself :-) you got this!
@@heavensgoneI was living with one or both parents until I was 15, when my father and step-monster kicked me out of the house, and my mother couldn’t take me, so I was homeless for a bit. Your post caught my attention. My life up until 15 yo, I was abused and neglected. One thing that I’m just now realising is that I never had a parent teach me. Decades later, things that typical people know and understand, I have no clue. For example, I go to my doctor frequently, with things I should have been taught. It’s embarrassing and frustrating. I’ve been no contact with them for 2 years and it was been fantastic, the best thing I could do for myself. Best of luck to you.
Yes, when people around are losing their minds because of their pain I can't help but automatically internalize their criticism. It takes courage and dedication to resist and undo the harm.
I think it's a question of boundaries. When people criticize more often than praise, increase the distance - they are losing their shit, and nobody has to be around until they heal.
I'm 32 and when I say I just started thinking properly positively at all about myself without a negative dig behind it literally last month (after a journey and lots of suppression and blah blah) But holy crap, dude. The processing was intense but I literally walk around saying to myself, "holy shit this is so cool" literally just feeling actual intrinsic value and proper self worth and self respect
I think there is something that needs to be added here. It's not that we have internalised what other people have thought of us but rather what we thought they thought of us. There is an extra layer of distortion here that makes the reality of things even more complicated. For example if I was bullied as a child and it always felt to me like the reason for the bulling was how I looked, then there is a decent chance that I will still feel deeply insecure about my looks as an adult. But my assumed reason for the bulling might in reality be totally off. The true reason could very well have been something completely different, maybe my voice sounded funny or something else. The point is, that it doesn't directly matter how we were objectively treated as children but rather how we subjectively experienced our treatment. This creates an additional difficulty because we therefor mustn't judge/analyse our environment as child through the lens of an adult. Instead we must try to reimagine how we understood and experienced our life as did as a child. And remember at that stage we lacked the life-experience as well as the intellectual and emotional abilities to properly judge what was happening to ourselfs.
I have been following the School of Life for 10 years. If they only ever released one video, this is the one needed. The one video to watch, understand and start our journey to healthier lives. Congratulations and thank you. 🧡
Growing up, I always felt like I was never good enough; That no matter what I accomplished, it was never good enough. Did my parents THINK I wasn’t good enough? Maybe. For me, I believe it was the lack of positive reinforcement when I did well that contributed most to my negative self perception and lack of self esteem. But, can I say the lack of said reinforcement truly meant my parents thought negative of me? No, I cannot. It entirely possible that they themselves did not receive positive feedback and reinforcement, so they were not equipped with those skills. I finally broke the negative self esteem cycle as an adult by learning to shut down the negative self talk and embracing positive feedback from those around me. Instead of constantly expecting more from myself, I learned to stop and assess my accomplishments and growth. Looking at how far I had come made me feel so much better than berating myself for having so much further to go.
@@superamario6464 I know your struggle. The first step is RECOGNIZING it’s happening. Then, give that negative voice in your head a name. When it starts spewing negativity, use its name and tell it to shut up. Don’t just think the words. SAY the words! Also helps to ask yourself, “Would I say these things to a friend or a stranger?” If the answer is ‘no,’ which it certainly will be, again, tell that negative voice to shut up.
@@superamario6464 you may be interested in "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving". The book describes a set of practices replacing negative with positive. Perhaps this is the only book you need to tackle it.
It's beautiful to see compassion for your parents in you, I believe it makes the world a better place for me to live. But I think, you have right to be angry with your parents exactly because they didn't have the skills. A lack of skills is not an excuse for bad parenting.
My therapist was encouraging me to find genuine points of confidence for months and through some lucky circumstances, I got something that proved to me that I had a reason to have esteem a few weeks ago. And it's alien and cool, and today we've had a therapy session, and I reached the realization that I no longer need to prove anything to anyone, and my therapist ended the session early as this needs to be the main theme for me until we meet next time. It feels like she felt a moment of triumph, even though no such emotion was visible, but it seemed like a milestone in a way.
The School of life making me cry at 9am in a McDonald’s Edit : thank you all for the kind words! I receive it 🥰 I’m doing well, I just know we’ve come a loooong way in the self esteem and inner self work department. Thank you all for being part of the solutions 🌎💞✨
I needed that. Been struggling to know who I am ever since I realized I took too much heed to what others said about me & how they treated me. Also the whole idea that you feel like you've constantly done something wrong when you have trauma of wrong things happening to you... it's like you blame yourself for others bad behavior
This is extremely accurate. It also applies in the reverse. My loving and positive upbringing has so much to do with my positive view on life, my chances in the world, and views on the world in general.
So being ill as a child & stuck in a bed, I felt alone & lonely. While my older siblings who had a close relationship with each other, thought I had my parents attention & disliked me. This they told me, while I explained I had one toy🧸 & had to stay in bed apart from toilet trips. It helps explain the distance between us. They were scholarship earners & I was a plodder in school & only read books when we went camping. It explains why I picked lower paying jobs & only tried courses to help me go to university after my teenage sons told me I wasn't clever. I proved I was good enough, however, got into a habit that has lasted 30 years of not finishing hobbies or courses. My motivation is what is lacking, not intellect.
I didn't learn how to react with others so I am socially awkward. Either talking rapid fire or not at all. Sometimes telling people what to do when it's none of my business.
@@Rose-jz6ix It's not just that you didn't learn. You were not allowed, children naturally learn how to communicate, but learn incorrectly if adults teach that ''not intentionally''. For example 3 things that you learned from your parents: 1) You talk rapid fire because you were not allowed to speak, and when short period allowed you tried to talk as much as possible, same thing happened to me and couple children around me when i was growing. 2) Or talk not at all, was because you were yelled when you talked, so you are afraid to speak to others. 3) Wanting to help people because you subconsciously think if i help them maybe they help me or want thanks from people. All 3 things happened to me, how i fixed them 1) i slowed down and only talked what was needed with least possible words. I think before talk and many times better miss my opportunity to talk than tell too many unnecessary words. 2) I just look at people and only talk to ones that won't reject me, actually listen to me. 3) I helped with advice but most people didn't want to change their lives for better, they just wanted attention, because they didn't get it as they were children...so they subconsciously create problems in life so other people ''parents'' help them, give attention. I gave money, they didn't gave back, so at certain amount of times i understood that it is waste of money, now i never help with money. Only when i see people wanting small amount for food next to food shop, or sometimes homeless for alcohol.
Same thing happened to me except I wasn't sickly, I decided at a young to become an introvert and enjoy the company of animals and my own. Basically I told my siblings fuck you and went on living, now they come asking for money or try and be friends with me and I don't take that bullshit one bit
i teared while watching this 🥺 by just thinking about how my parents ruined my self-esteem and still feel entitled to accuse me that I’m not “success” enough, while they are the reason from begin.
initial thoughts: - this is really timely, because I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I can’t make sense of anything around me. I destroy myself by having pre-conceived ideas about what I am. In short, I have a bad self-image. - I know this, yet I often forget it because I’ve just been so ingrained in it. I’ve accepted it to be the “truth”, that I tend to fall in the mindset without even being aware of them. - it’s a scary and difficult undertaking to rethink our identity and move away from what we think we are. Personally, it’s fucking difficult. It’s so frustrating when I ruminate for days on end, not knowing why I feel that way, what’s the “driver”. But there are times when I do get it, and understanding that “Oh, so I felt that way, I was thinking that way, because I felt pathetic. I felt like a failure. Or I felt insecure about myself.” …And it’s liberating to have that understanding. But oftentimes these moments of insight are little and far-between. That’s what’s frustrating about it. - which is why I know what the video is saying about us unraveling our sense of identity as the work of a lifetime. - i know. Yet it’s frustrating. - and even here, as I type. It’s frustrating me because…I’m scared of thinking “What if…I can’t get rid of this bad self-image? What if…I’m doomed to fail?” …That thought in itself is a result of my bad self-image. - …which is why we have to be so, so, soo careful about this. It’s such a crucial aspect of our life that’s so difficult to comprehend how crucial it actually is. - so i guess, what I really want to say is…I know how you feel, and yes, it’s fucking difficult that it’s oddly funny…But you’re not alone. There’s a ton of us people that were fucked up in some way. - i don’t really know how to end this so I’ll just end it here - from a 17-year-old boy
Very good. Needs a part 2. Self esteem is also based on how we treat ourselves. It fluctuates based on the types of choices we make. The baseline is this: do we choose to do what looks good, what feels good, or what is good? Buying a car for example. Do we buy the car that makes us look good, the one that makes us feel good, or the one that is good for our circumstances? To the best of our knowledge. Each type of choice benefits either the ego, the flesh, or the soul. You can also tell who has high self esteem because people who treat both others and themselves with respect don’t let people walk all over them and their appearance to others doesn’t matter because they are secure in knowing their pricelessness.
@@johndavies7626 It is simple, but each people have different upbringing, trauma, so there are no one thing that helps all. That is why therapy is for, or if you are aware enough, you can watch your thoughts, emotions and figure some of it yourself.
Men(and women) should know that success isn't built on success. It's built on failure and frustration, and on fear that you have to overcome. That's what the e-book called Unveiling Your Hidden Potential' by Bruce Thornwood taught me. The best read I ever had.
Quite possibly one of the best psychiatric sessions on a video, I've ever seen. I mean this quite literally. I'm a high functioning autistic man, 65, and have struggled with self esteem all my life. I'm also a successful investor and businessman. If I'm so successful, why do I hate myself? This video explains, perfectly. My computer bios was fouled up when I was a little boy. It makes perfect sense. Thank you.
Brilliant explanation! I've been caught in the loop of negative self-talk for so long, not even realizing where it came from. Working through it in therapy now, and it's like untangling a knot that's been there for years.
This proves to me essentially that if we can open ourselves up again to think infinitely, to believe in ourselves truly, to have confidence, courage, determination and sheer power of will, these lenses through which we perceive ourselves will change, and thus, so too will our futures. We just need to let go of what we were incorrectly told, and replace these ideas with the notions of what we absolutely can be.
@@unicornishcornish She had an Affair was with a friend I introduced her. I gave them my blessings and moved on. That's why marriage is always a 50/50 chance of failing. I got shared custody of my daughter. That's what matters. The guy is a homewrecker. That's his Karma.
The thing is; parents need to see this right now, for the sake of the adult shape of their current kids. Not just people who already grew up and can only try to look back.
This video has been really important to me, not only because it sheds light on some important things in my life, but also because it gives me a method to follow, something, a path to walk, and this is very important. Thank you.
Every time I watch a video that tells me something to the effect of “my sense of self is a result of my upbringing”, I get really annoyed with my parents :/
I feel like this is a huge oversimplification. Self esteem is not only a reflection of what others thought of us during formative years. That is likely one small part of the picture, however it is FAR more complex, likely a diverse array of genetics, preferences, career choices, random moves in life, birth origin, etc. Boiling it down to how others treated us is unhelpful. Also, our feelings about ourselves, DO NOT necessarily determine our future in any way. Sure it's helpful to feel a sense of positivity for the future, however there are plenty of highly 'successful' people out there, who feel horrible about themselves, and plenty of people in less favourable conditions, that feel wonderful. Build a foundation of self compassion, realize that no one has it figured out, that we all struggle, and laugh at the absurdity of it all.
rather than "we become what other expected from us to be" i would say with my personal experience that we become the product of the self esteems of all those people who were around us in our early formative years, without depending on what they expected from us.
Terrific video, helps reflect the idea of experiences shaping self image in such a way as though you were looking from the outside, as it is so much easier to do so from them outside.
This is amazing. Forget about yourself for a second. The next time you spot someone talking down on themselves by saying "I can't do this", or "I'm an idiot", understand that it's because someone, maybe they themselves, planted that idea in them long ago. Show some kindness, show that you believe in them and that they have to believe in themselves, and a few words or actions of positive reassurance... And amazing things happen.
Can anyone point me towards some literature where the ideas of this video are described more in-depth? Cause i love the concept in this video and it resonates strongly with me!
I always blame other people for their ill judgment on me, but the problem is, we can't just ignore other people's opinion all the time, especially when we want to progress in our career.
@fubytv731 You don't have to ignore other people opinions, you can listen to them without emotions. The reason emotion comes because you were judged wrongly by your parents or other adults. So every time now when you are grown up, someone judges you wrongly, emotional trauma from childhood comes up. Heal that trauma in therapy and you will be able to listen to judgment only with your mind. You can try ignore emotions when they speak, and after conversation, remember, analyze if there was any valuable judgment, where you can improve yourself.
There is a small book about self-esteem that is geared toward teenagers that I found - "Just as you are" by Michelle & Kelly Skeen ---- I'm in my 30s but even though it was written to teens it's been remarkably helpful and hopeful for me. I think it being written toward a younger audience actually allows for the work on my self esteem while reading it, more naturally relates to and resonates with my inner child or the parts that are locked into negative patterns of thinking.
My self esteem has always been great. Now I'm 31 and still so content. Why and how? Since I was a kid, I always told myself that being a good person means that there's no reason to have low self esteem. A good person is a good person and worth 10000 millions. And I am a kind person to others. And every year you get more knowledge too: so the older the wiser. Not older and useless!! hope this helps 1 person.... Probably not, but hey, I tried.
The most important qualification is missing from this - it's not necessarily whether people thought we weren't important or interesting etc it's that we felt that's what they thought. It may be true that they felt that way but that's actually less important than how we interpreted their feelings and then internalised them. If you hate yourself it's not necessarily the case that you weren't valued and loved but that you interpreted their behaviour as meaning so. You're parents may have been suffering themselves and thinking that you wouldn't pick up on their feelings because they didn't say them but you saw the worry on their face, you didn't know it wasn't about you. It's complicated and it's not about blaming.
This is probably the worst thing to explain how I found my selfesteem back a couple of weeks ago. I went through something and having the core idea i hate myself. Not in a way like i need proffesional help but just the mindset. It all made sense. When someone is nice and complimenting i think: they are lying. Or even better: you are so ughh that you manipulate everyone in thinking you are ok. When people are angry or upset for whatever, i quit 'enjoy' that. Because directly i think: yes i dont like.myself either we have something in common. Which makes handeling things like this easier. In the end i thought to myself, you see it doesnt matter what other people think. I will hate myself eitherway. And how strange it must sounds it gave me so much peace. I talk more, give my opinions more, because it doesnt matter. Outcome is the same. Weird and not positieve at all 😂 but result is usefull for now
Rather than trying to find the cause of the effect that it have on us, one can focus on what meaning one must derive from the past experience and shape ones present.
Self esteem is not necessarily thinking you are great or something in the sense of an inflating ego, sometimes we do make mistakes, are not perfect etc.. but is the attitude we take towards our own humanity too.. we can be sincere AND compassionate, helping and loving... this may not be we may think we are beautifuk or something like that trying to compensate.. it is just that we can take a good old laugh to ourselves and take ourselves lightly, as little children
I thought about this as well but, the goal of this video isn't to be a long essay about the details of self-esteem, but to provide a new look into it. Self-esteem most definitely also has to do with our current daily lives, but that's more of a given. The content here is meant to be eye-opening and short, an easily digestible manner to consider broader possibilities.
@TheGreatWasian_ Can you explain what you think with current daily lives. Self esteem is feeling, but if you life is not good financially or materially, it doesn't mean you have to feel bad. You just are aware of situation and work to improve it. Self esteem motivates you or drag you down, but actions make life better or worse.
My God. Everything they say that produces low self esteem I’ve experienced. My daughter is growing up in a different world of love, support, and guidance. But I wonder if I’m too broken to fix.
I have watched this channel for years but this particular video seem to be generalising a lot and I wonder how scientific this is. I'd take this with a pinch of salt.
I didn't finished the video yet but I am gonna make a guess: it has to do something with our childhood and how our parents treated us and the environment and how we were raised etc etc😂😂😂 *I will find out in...3 minutes* lol
I don't need any OTHERS than myself to judge who I'm to know What I want to get how I feel, But it is truly horrible that I have been giving this poison to others so far , the position that will never been owned by any OTHERS, but myself. This is the biggest chock that I have felt when I really understand what the self esteem is and what the shame is which have been labored on my soul in my entire life. It seems like a funny and silly game, to be honest, awakening from this whooooole trick that had been played in my childhood. So silly.
How can I help a partner who doesn't have a lot of self esteem? I'm saying he doesn't like himself phisically, and doesn't believe in himself enough. I want him to know what self love and self compassion feel like. I love him so much, every part of him, and I wish he could see himself through my eyes. Sometimes it's hard because no matter how much we talk about it, no matter how many times I tell him that he's beautiful and intelligent and the best human being I have ever known he is still a bit down. Of course I will keep showing my love towards him, but does somebody have any tips?
You reminded me: I remember times I’d cry nonstop. Self-esteem is a very confusing journey. I remember thinking as a kid when I first learned of it that, yeah! mine is high. I got good grades. I don’t struggle with anything. Once I began adulting and everything started getting real, I was overwhelmed. And my daddy issues rrreeeaaally began to show. I’d say the beginning is awareness. I can tell you I was utterly unaware of how low my self-esteem was until I began observing people who embody high self-esteems and it helped me see my true state. You’re aware that your self-esteem needs to be addressed. Once you get to that point, you’re on the right path. Denial of any sort is the real danger. Be patient with yourself!
I think self-awareness is more important and it should be nowadays more cultivated. This self-esteem phenomenon is over-hyped and over-estimated. It is very easy to blame others in your misfortune.
Remember that God made you to know Him and be happy forever, He incarnated and suffered for you that you might be an heir to the Kingdome and not a slave to the world flesh and the devil.
I have been stuck in a negative self reflection loop since I finished school. I initially felt like I would outgrow it. The voice in me has become more and more hatefull towards myself steadilly, it has ruined relationships and friendships. I finally started going to therapy and, if you haven't already, really do yourself a favor and try it its the only way.
One of the challenges of recognising how our pasts shaped us is that we often compare our pasts to worst case scenarios that we’ve heard of, so unless we experienced obvious extreme abuse or neglect we often don’t want to characterise our experiences as abusive or neglectful, particularly if there was a lot of love and care also present. I feel like this about my parents. They’re basically good people who were prepared to suffer stress and sometimes despair to raise me. They had their own challenges but they were loving as well as neglectful and abusive at times, and I feel bad when I feel like I’m judging their behaviours and choices.
Well because they're imperfect like ourselves and probably did their best with their limited resources. So who are we to judge.. but then maybe this isn't a judgement. Judgement can be left out of it when we forgive while seeing that there was more you could have benefited from, if they had only known or had the resources to do better
@simsoThe2nd By analyzing what is measured value and what is feeling-value. Measured is how much you earn, how good listener you are ... What do you mean by prospects? If you want something to happen, just go for it, work toward it.
@@juriscervenaks8953 Thanks for answering. Just go for it is sadly easier said than done. I think with prospects is meant the possibilities that one will have after reassessing their value. It's said in the video at 3:26
@@juriscervenaks8953 my problem is that I know that what I've learned to think about myself in the childhood is not right. I know that on a logical level, but it doesn't go further than that. I'm talking nice about myself (most of the time) for some years. Yet I don't really have much more self esteem. I still react to people and situations like I learned in childhood. People pleasing, acting like I can't do nothing right, getting anxious when someone wants something for me or is looking at what I'm doing, etc.
Self esteem doesn’t exist, it’s simply a societal construct surrounding shame, which in turn is another construct, stemming from comparing ourselves to the shiny and glamorous lives of all those we see “succeed.” The only reason you have high self esteem is because you have a beggar or homeless addict to compare yourselves to. The only reason you have low self esteem is because some external stimulus is teaching you to think there’s something wrong with you.
Though, from what you said, I do also agree. Self esteem does exist, you simply explained it in a objective sense, things can exist that aren't solely dependent on an environment that is independent from ones thoughts. When it comes to learning about the two realities, you have to understand that both compliment each other and react to one another. (An Intersubjective reality) Example could be moral values. it can exist between shared understandings between people, which are not part of objectivity, yet can also exist outside those interactions, since within those societies or cultures, because they have things in common independently. An example could be a "boat". (Something that floats), one society could make a simple raft, but another society may make an entire warship. (They are both different, yet they both serve a common purpose, to float or traverse on water)
@@Jesusisvictorious_ I would simplify it to either think you’re a good person or not thinking you’re a good person based on what society says about your life. I have “low self esteem.” But if I hadn’t spent 37 years soaking up the zeitgeist, its views on success and achievement, and subconsciously comparing myself to it, I wouldn’t have this sense of self loathing. So the sense of one’s worth is in a way a product or result of the human construct of shame.
'..we no longer need to judge ourselves through the eyes of people who were too unwell and in pain to see us properly.' 👍
Also “confused” would be a good word.
💯
Mic drop
"...we no longer need to judge ourselves through the eyes of people who were too unwell and in pain to see us properly"
Our dysfunctional parents.
crazy timing, i just had a long discussion with my therapist today about self esteem and its effects. One thing he said (paraphrasing) was “self compassion and empathy are the lights that we should shine towards the shadow of shame, then the shadow has nowhere to form, nowhere to go”
That's a beautiful image! Thanks for sharing! :)
Yes, thanks for sharing ❤
Duh... Modern psychiatrsts😒
"Crazy timing", you say? :D lol, your smartphone was listening all along, that's why it suggested you this vid :) well, for once a good interaction with user profiling
I’m 65. I wish I had access to this kind of advice in my teens and twenties. All you young folk out there take action now! You are worthy, believe it!
Thank you. I'm sure you are worthy too. And I'm sure the world needs your impact :)
@@romankuksin9918 how beautifully put. ❤
I struggled with the chains and shackles of my childhood and family. neglect and not being seen is where I lived most of my life. I broke off contact with my whole family this year as I turned 30, and tried many ways/therapies to understand them. What I really needed was an understanding of myself and my self-worth. I broke the cycle for my daughter's sake and am teaching her self-empathy and making her feel seen, validated, and cherished. To everyone else, there are two families in your life: Biological and the people you choose to have in your life because they bring prosperity, support, and kindness.
That's beautiful. I'm 25 and I'm just realizing how messed up how messed up my parents were. Their parenting essentially boiled down to "Do it or I'll beat you again. I am going to drill this into your head." Things were never explained and I was never taught things out of compassion. They just told me to meet their expectations without much guidance or support. I often think about how I would parent my future children and I hope to break the cycle before it's too late. But reading about your comment gave me hope :')
I wish you and your daughter the best
hear hear! thank you for breaking the cycle.
@@heavensgone thank you so much. Your support means a ton to me. I love that you want better for yourself as well. That is such a crucial step and shows how far you have come yourself :-) you got this!
Friends are the family we choose for ourselves ❤
@@heavensgoneI was living with one or both parents until I was 15, when my father and step-monster kicked me out of the house, and my mother couldn’t take me, so I was homeless for a bit.
Your post caught my attention. My life up until 15 yo, I was abused and neglected. One thing that I’m just now realising is that I never had a parent teach me. Decades later, things that typical people know and understand, I have no clue. For example, I go to my doctor frequently, with things I should have been taught. It’s embarrassing and frustrating. I’ve been no contact with them for 2 years and it was been fantastic, the best thing I could do for myself. Best of luck to you.
'....who were too unwell and in pain to see us properly.' So true.... These final words are a blessing.
Yes, when people around are losing their minds because of their pain I can't help but automatically internalize their criticism. It takes courage and dedication to resist and undo the harm.
I think it's a question of boundaries. When people criticize more often than praise, increase the distance - they are losing their shit, and nobody has to be around until they heal.
I'm 32 and when I say I just started thinking properly positively at all about myself without a negative dig behind it literally last month (after a journey and lots of suppression and blah blah)
But holy crap, dude. The processing was intense but I literally walk around saying to myself, "holy shit this is so cool" literally just feeling actual intrinsic value and proper self worth and self respect
Awesome. Good that you did the heavy work. The reward is the sunshine on the other side.
I know exactly what you fuckin mean haha actually been such a game changer
❤❤
congratulations!
This channel just refuses to give up on me ♥
I think there is something that needs to be added here. It's not that we have internalised what other people have thought of us but rather what we thought they thought of us. There is an extra layer of distortion here that makes the reality of things even more complicated. For example if I was bullied as a child and it always felt to me like the reason for the bulling was how I looked, then there is a decent chance that I will still feel deeply insecure about my looks as an adult. But my assumed reason for the bulling might in reality be totally off. The true reason could very well have been something completely different, maybe my voice sounded funny or something else. The point is, that it doesn't directly matter how we were objectively treated as children but rather how we subjectively experienced our treatment. This creates an additional difficulty because we therefor mustn't judge/analyse our environment as child through the lens of an adult. Instead we must try to reimagine how we understood and experienced our life as did as a child. And remember at that stage we lacked the life-experience as well as the intellectual and emotional abilities to properly judge what was happening to ourselfs.
yes!!!
I have been following the School of Life for 10 years. If they only ever released one video, this is the one needed. The one video to watch, understand and start our journey to healthier lives. Congratulations and thank you. 🧡
Agreed. Or is it because of everything else you’ve learned that makes this so relatable?
Growing up, I always felt like I was never good enough; That no matter what I accomplished, it was never good enough. Did my parents THINK I wasn’t good enough? Maybe. For me, I believe it was the lack of positive reinforcement when I did well that contributed most to my negative self perception and lack of self esteem. But, can I say the lack of said reinforcement truly meant my parents thought negative of me? No, I cannot. It entirely possible that they themselves did not receive positive feedback and reinforcement, so they were not equipped with those skills.
I finally broke the negative self esteem cycle as an adult by learning to shut down the negative self talk and embracing positive feedback from those around me. Instead of constantly expecting more from myself, I learned to stop and assess my accomplishments and growth. Looking at how far I had come made me feel so much better than berating myself for having so much further to go.
How did you turn off negative self talk? Mines is very very loud:(
@@superamario6464 I know your struggle. The first step is RECOGNIZING it’s happening. Then, give that negative voice in your head a name. When it starts spewing negativity, use its name and tell it to shut up. Don’t just think the words. SAY the words!
Also helps to ask yourself, “Would I say these things to a friend or a stranger?” If the answer is ‘no,’ which it certainly will be, again, tell that negative voice to shut up.
@@superamario6464 you may be interested in "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving". The book describes a set of practices replacing negative with positive. Perhaps this is the only book you need to tackle it.
It's beautiful to see compassion for your parents in you, I believe it makes the world a better place for me to live. But I think, you have right to be angry with your parents exactly because they didn't have the skills. A lack of skills is not an excuse for bad parenting.
@@romankuksin9918 thank you so much for this. I will look into it
My therapist was encouraging me to find genuine points of confidence for months and through some lucky circumstances, I got something that proved to me that I had a reason to have esteem a few weeks ago. And it's alien and cool, and today we've had a therapy session, and I reached the realization that I no longer need to prove anything to anyone, and my therapist ended the session early as this needs to be the main theme for me until we meet next time. It feels like she felt a moment of triumph, even though no such emotion was visible, but it seemed like a milestone in a way.
Good job
The School of life making me cry at 9am in a McDonald’s
Edit : thank you all for the kind words! I receive it 🥰 I’m doing well, I just know we’ve come a loooong way in the self esteem and inner self work department. Thank you all for being part of the solutions 🌎💞✨
Carry on and keep going!! You’ll be okay!! Respect to you!!
@@oftenwrong. thank you 🥰 same to you
I hope you're having a breakfast bagel. They look yummy. Take care. Have a great day!
Its completely okay. We are with you. Its a sign you have a beautiful heart❤.
You're awesome dont give up
Thid channel is like a loving guardian angel for humanity
I needed that. Been struggling to know who I am ever since I realized I took too much heed to what others said about me & how they treated me.
Also the whole idea that you feel like you've constantly done something wrong when you have trauma of wrong things happening to you... it's like you blame yourself for others bad behavior
I catch me saying to myself you haven't done anything wrong to this day. Hang in there 🙏.
This is extremely accurate. It also applies in the reverse. My loving and positive upbringing has so much to do with my positive view on life, my chances in the world, and views on the world in general.
So being ill as a child & stuck in a bed, I felt alone & lonely. While my older siblings who had a close relationship with each other, thought I had my parents attention & disliked me. This they told me, while I explained I had one toy🧸 & had to stay in bed apart from toilet trips.
It helps explain the distance between us. They were scholarship earners & I was a plodder in school & only read books when we went camping. It explains why I picked lower paying jobs & only tried courses to help me go to university after my teenage sons told me I wasn't clever. I proved I was good enough, however, got into a habit that has lasted 30 years of not finishing hobbies or courses. My motivation is what is lacking, not intellect.
I didn't learn how to react with others so I am socially awkward. Either talking rapid fire or not at all. Sometimes telling people what to do when it's none of my business.
@@Rose-jz6ix It's not just that you didn't learn. You were not allowed, children naturally learn how to communicate, but learn incorrectly if adults teach that ''not intentionally''. For example 3 things that you learned from your parents: 1) You talk rapid fire because you were not allowed to speak, and when short period allowed you tried to talk as much as possible, same thing happened to me and couple children around me when i was growing. 2) Or talk not at all, was because you were yelled when you talked, so you are afraid to speak to others. 3) Wanting to help people because you subconsciously think if i help them maybe they help me or want thanks from people. All 3 things happened to me, how i fixed them 1) i slowed down and only talked what was needed with least possible words. I think before talk and many times better miss my opportunity to talk than tell too many unnecessary words. 2) I just look at people and only talk to ones that won't reject me, actually listen to me. 3) I helped with advice but most people didn't want to change their lives for better, they just wanted attention, because they didn't get it as they were children...so they subconsciously create problems in life so other people ''parents'' help them, give attention. I gave money, they didn't gave back, so at certain amount of times i understood that it is waste of money, now i never help with money. Only when i see people wanting small amount for food next to food shop, or sometimes homeless for alcohol.
Same thing happened to me except I wasn't sickly, I decided at a young to become an introvert and enjoy the company of animals and my own. Basically I told my siblings fuck you and went on living, now they come asking for money or try and be friends with me and I don't take that bullshit one bit
i teared while watching this 🥺
by just thinking about how my parents ruined my self-esteem and still feel entitled to accuse me that I’m not “success” enough, while they are the reason from begin.
initial thoughts:
- this is really timely, because I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I can’t make sense of anything around me. I destroy myself by having pre-conceived ideas about what I am. In short, I have a bad self-image.
- I know this, yet I often forget it because I’ve just been so ingrained in it. I’ve accepted it to be the “truth”, that I tend to fall in the mindset without even being aware of them.
- it’s a scary and difficult undertaking to rethink our identity and move away from what we think we are. Personally, it’s fucking difficult. It’s so frustrating when I ruminate for days on end, not knowing why I feel that way, what’s the “driver”. But there are times when I do get it, and understanding that “Oh, so I felt that way, I was thinking that way, because I felt pathetic. I felt like a failure. Or I felt insecure about myself.” …And it’s liberating to have that understanding. But oftentimes these moments of insight are little and far-between. That’s what’s frustrating about it.
- which is why I know what the video is saying about us unraveling our sense of identity as the work of a lifetime.
- i know. Yet it’s frustrating.
- and even here, as I type. It’s frustrating me because…I’m scared of thinking “What if…I can’t get rid of this bad self-image? What if…I’m doomed to fail?” …That thought in itself is a result of my bad self-image.
- …which is why we have to be so, so, soo careful about this. It’s such a crucial aspect of our life that’s so difficult to comprehend how crucial it actually is.
- so i guess, what I really want to say is…I know how you feel, and yes, it’s fucking difficult that it’s oddly funny…But you’re not alone. There’s a ton of us people that were fucked up in some way.
- i don’t really know how to end this so I’ll just end it here
- from a 17-year-old boy
Very good. Needs a part 2. Self esteem is also based on how we treat ourselves. It fluctuates based on the types of choices we make. The baseline is this: do we choose to do what looks good, what feels good, or what is good? Buying a car for example. Do we buy the car that makes us look good, the one that makes us feel good, or the one that is good for our circumstances? To the best of our knowledge. Each type of choice benefits either the ego, the flesh, or the soul. You can also tell who has high self esteem because people who treat both others and themselves with respect don’t let people walk all over them and their appearance to others doesn’t matter because they are secure in knowing their pricelessness.
It comes from the same source. It is possible to learn and change focus and be master of your own thoughts.
But its confusing, to be valuable it needs to be simple and understandable.
@@johndavies7626 It is simple, but each people have different upbringing, trauma, so there are no one thing that helps all. That is why therapy is for, or if you are aware enough, you can watch your thoughts, emotions and figure some of it yourself.
This is gold, thank you!!
Men(and women) should know that success isn't built on success. It's built on failure and frustration, and on fear that you have to overcome. That's what the e-book called Unveiling Your Hidden Potential' by Bruce Thornwood taught me. The best read I ever had.
Excellent video.! So much wisdom in a few minutes, clear and concise. Thank you
Quite possibly one of the best psychiatric sessions on a video, I've ever seen. I mean this quite literally. I'm a high functioning autistic man, 65, and have struggled with self esteem all my life. I'm also a successful investor and businessman. If I'm so successful, why do I hate myself? This video explains, perfectly. My computer bios was fouled up when I was a little boy. It makes perfect sense. Thank you.
Brilliant explanation! I've been caught in the loop of negative self-talk for so long, not even realizing where it came from. Working through it in therapy now, and it's like untangling a knot that's been there for years.
I needed this, thank you School of Life! 😊
This proves to me essentially that if we can open ourselves up again to think infinitely, to believe in ourselves truly, to have confidence, courage, determination and sheer power of will, these lenses through which we perceive ourselves will change, and thus, so too will our futures. We just need to let go of what we were incorrectly told, and replace these ideas with the notions of what we absolutely can be.
Thank you for this video.
I will be working on this tomorrow to finally see myself for who I am.
My ex wife who was a psychologist saved me. She made me understand my childhood upbringing was not my fault.
Sorry if that's insensitive but I'm curious why you're no longer together if she helped you so much?
@@unicornishcornish She had an Affair was with a friend I introduced her. I gave them my blessings and moved on. That's why marriage is always a 50/50 chance of failing. I got shared custody of my daughter. That's what matters. The guy is a homewrecker. That's his Karma.
The thing is; parents need to see this right now, for the sake of the adult shape of their current kids. Not just people who already grew up and can only try to look back.
The illustrations on this channel are always so beautiful and incredible. Please keep that up
Brilliant, wise, helpful and to the point as ever. Thank you so very much. 🐞🌈
This is one of the channels that led me to create my own. Thank you for the always amazing, beautiful work.
This video has been really important to me, not only because it sheds light on some important things in my life, but also because it gives me a method to follow, something, a path to walk, and this is very important. Thank you.
Thank you for these therapeutic videos. They are helping alot.
Every time I watch a video that tells me something to the effect of “my sense of self is a result of my upbringing”, I get really annoyed with my parents :/
I feel you.They're also victims of their upbringing sadly so best too just re-parent yourself,"you can do it!💖"
it takes a good amount of luck to get good parents
You can’t pick your parents. But you can pick the rest of your support network.
happy 1k videos The School of Life!!
I feel like this is a huge oversimplification. Self esteem is not only a reflection of what others thought of us during formative years. That is likely one small part of the picture, however it is FAR more complex, likely a diverse array of genetics, preferences, career choices, random moves in life, birth origin, etc. Boiling it down to how others treated us is unhelpful. Also, our feelings about ourselves, DO NOT necessarily determine our future in any way. Sure it's helpful to feel a sense of positivity for the future, however there are plenty of highly 'successful' people out there, who feel horrible about themselves, and plenty of people in less favourable conditions, that feel wonderful. Build a foundation of self compassion, realize that no one has it figured out, that we all struggle, and laugh at the absurdity of it all.
rather than "we become what other expected from us to be" i would say with my personal experience that we become the product of the self esteems of all those people who were around us in our early formative years, without depending on what they expected from us.
"I feel invisible" hurts me the most
Wow, I'm in tears.
Terrific video, helps reflect the idea of experiences shaping self image in such a way as though you were looking from the outside, as it is so much easier to do so from them outside.
This seems to be your 1000. video! 🎉 Thank you for your great content 🙏
Thank you. Super helpful.
This is amazing. Forget about yourself for a second. The next time you spot someone talking down on themselves by saying "I can't do this", or "I'm an idiot", understand that it's because someone, maybe they themselves, planted that idea in them long ago. Show some kindness, show that you believe in them and that they have to believe in themselves, and a few words or actions of positive reassurance... And amazing things happen.
Lovely animations. Excellent topic.
Can anyone point me towards some literature where the ideas of this video are described more in-depth? Cause i love the concept in this video and it resonates strongly with me!
I always blame other people for their ill judgment on me, but the problem is, we can't just ignore other people's opinion all the time, especially when we want to progress in our career.
@fubytv731 You don't have to ignore other people opinions, you can listen to them without emotions. The reason emotion comes because you were judged wrongly by your parents or other adults. So every time now when you are grown up, someone judges you wrongly, emotional trauma from childhood comes up. Heal that trauma in therapy and you will be able to listen to judgment only with your mind. You can try ignore emotions when they speak, and after conversation, remember, analyze if there was any valuable judgment, where you can improve yourself.
There is a small book about self-esteem that is geared toward teenagers that I found - "Just as you are" by Michelle & Kelly Skeen ---- I'm in my 30s but even though it was written to teens it's been remarkably helpful and hopeful for me. I think it being written toward a younger audience actually allows for the work on my self esteem while reading it, more naturally relates to and resonates with my inner child or the parts that are locked into negative patterns of thinking.
My self esteem has always been great. Now I'm 31 and still so content. Why and how? Since I was a kid, I always told myself that being a good person means that there's no reason to have low self esteem. A good person is a good person and worth 10000 millions. And I am a kind person to others.
And every year you get more knowledge too: so the older the wiser. Not older and useless!! hope this helps 1 person.... Probably not, but hey, I tried.
I like this a lot!
Thank you
The most important qualification is missing from this - it's not necessarily whether people thought we weren't important or interesting etc it's that we felt that's what they thought. It may be true that they felt that way but that's actually less important than how we interpreted their feelings and then internalised them. If you hate yourself it's not necessarily the case that you weren't valued and loved but that you interpreted their behaviour as meaning so. You're parents may have been suffering themselves and thinking that you wouldn't pick up on their feelings because they didn't say them but you saw the worry on their face, you didn't know it wasn't about you. It's complicated and it's not about blaming.
This is probably the worst thing to explain how I found my selfesteem back a couple of weeks ago. I went through something and having the core idea i hate myself. Not in a way like i need proffesional help but just the mindset.
It all made sense. When someone is nice and complimenting i think: they are lying. Or even better: you are so ughh that you manipulate everyone in thinking you are ok.
When people are angry or upset for whatever, i quit 'enjoy' that. Because directly i think: yes i dont like.myself either we have something in common. Which makes handeling things like this easier.
In the end i thought to myself, you see it doesnt matter what other people think. I will hate myself eitherway. And how strange it must sounds it gave me so much peace. I talk more, give my opinions more, because it doesnt matter. Outcome is the same.
Weird and not positieve at all 😂 but result is usefull for now
Interesting
That is the danger of stigmas: if you let them define you, they become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Good perspective
this one is gorgeous
Rather than trying to find the cause of the effect that it have on us, one can focus on what meaning one must derive from the past experience and shape ones present.
There is no such thing as Self-Esteem! There I said it!
1:30 The hands on the clock triggered me me way more than I'd like to admit.
And what does that feeling evokes in you?
Very helpful thank you.
Self esteem is not necessarily thinking you are great or something in the sense of an inflating ego, sometimes we do make mistakes, are not perfect etc.. but is the attitude we take towards our own humanity too.. we can be sincere AND compassionate, helping and loving... this may not be we may think we are beautifuk or something like that trying to compensate.. it is just that we can take a good old laugh to ourselves and take ourselves lightly, as little children
2:54 wow!
Useful overall video that you didn't have to end with abuser apologetics.
Wasn’t a fan of the clickbait thumbnail, but as ever, the content held pearls.
I feel like self-esteem also has to do with our current daily lives as well. This video oversimplifies self-esteem.
I thought about this as well but, the goal of this video isn't to be a long essay about the details of self-esteem, but to provide a new look into it. Self-esteem most definitely also has to do with our current daily lives, but that's more of a given. The content here is meant to be eye-opening and short, an easily digestible manner to consider broader possibilities.
@TheGreatWasian_ Can you explain what you think with current daily lives. Self esteem is feeling, but if you life is not good financially or materially, it doesn't mean you have to feel bad. You just are aware of situation and work to improve it. Self esteem motivates you or drag you down, but actions make life better or worse.
While this video helps it's important to remember not to dwell on the past but consistently make actions that will help the present
My God. Everything they say that produces low self esteem I’ve experienced. My daughter is growing up in a different world of love, support, and guidance. But I wonder if I’m too broken to fix.
So well put. But these videos are always genius.
Videos on sleep, aging and death please
I have watched this channel for years but this particular video seem to be generalising a lot and I wonder how scientific this is. I'd take this with a pinch of salt.
Good point
Great video
Videos on dreams/sleep
SoL has over the years tried to make my life bearable.
🤗
This hit deep
Thx mom and dad for the rauma galore
I didn't finished the video yet but I am gonna make a guess: it has to do something with our childhood and how our parents treated us and the environment and how we were raised etc etc😂😂😂
*I will find out in...3 minutes* lol
Its always about childhood....
A human's mould is their childhood. So, yes!
I don't need any OTHERS than myself to judge who I'm to know What I want to get how I feel, But it is truly horrible that I have been giving this poison to others so far , the position that will never been owned by any OTHERS, but myself.
This is the biggest chock that I have felt when I really understand what the self esteem is and what the shame is which have been labored on my soul in my entire life.
It seems like a funny and silly game, to be honest, awakening from this whooooole trick that had been played in my childhood.
So silly.
How can I help a partner who doesn't have a lot of self esteem? I'm saying he doesn't like himself phisically, and doesn't believe in himself enough. I want him to know what self love and self compassion feel like. I love him so much, every part of him, and I wish he could see himself through my eyes. Sometimes it's hard because no matter how much we talk about it, no matter how many times I tell him that he's beautiful and intelligent and the best human being I have ever known he is still a bit down. Of course I will keep showing my love towards him, but does somebody have any tips?
'...we no longer need to judge ourselves through the eyes of people who were too unwell and in pain to see us properly.'
Nobody even bothered to look.
Can anyone recommend a book or a similar resource on this subject that I could use to work on this?
Ohh ya I came first
That's what she said !!!!!!!!!!
Yooo good one 🎉🎉🎉🎉
Love this
I hear about self-ownership and taking ownership sometimes. What does that mean?
I sinceserly could not ask for more.. I have been crying for over a week because of my self-esteem issue.. Thank you so very much
You reminded me: I remember times I’d cry nonstop.
Self-esteem is a very confusing journey. I remember thinking as a kid when I first learned of it that, yeah! mine is high. I got good grades. I don’t struggle with anything.
Once I began adulting and everything started getting real, I was overwhelmed. And my daddy issues rrreeeaaally began to show.
I’d say the beginning is awareness. I can tell you I was utterly unaware of how low my self-esteem was until I began observing people who embody high self-esteems and it helped me see my true state.
You’re aware that your self-esteem needs to be addressed. Once you get to that point, you’re on the right path.
Denial of any sort is the real danger.
Be patient with yourself!
I deal with this every day!
I think self-awareness is more important and it should be nowadays more cultivated. This self-esteem phenomenon is over-hyped and over-estimated. It is very easy to blame others in your misfortune.
if your examples were on a bingo sheet then i would win first
🙌
Needed this one
The last sentences are the most important, but the animation and texts is quite distracting.
Remember that God made you to know Him and be happy forever, He incarnated and suffered for you that you might be an heir to the Kingdome and not a slave to the world flesh and the devil.
I cried because I experienced really horrible treatment😕😢😭
❤❤❤
I have been stuck in a negative self reflection loop since I finished school. I initially felt like I would outgrow it. The voice in me has become more and more hatefull towards myself steadilly, it has ruined relationships and friendships. I finally started going to therapy and, if you haven't already, really do yourself a favor and try it its the only way.
One of the challenges of recognising how our pasts shaped us is that we often compare our pasts to worst case scenarios that we’ve heard of, so unless we experienced obvious extreme abuse or neglect we often don’t want to characterise our experiences as abusive or neglectful, particularly if there was a lot of love and care also present. I feel like this about my parents. They’re basically good people who were prepared to suffer stress and sometimes despair to raise me. They had their own challenges but they were loving as well as neglectful and abusive at times, and I feel bad when I feel like I’m judging their behaviours and choices.
Well because they're imperfect like ourselves and probably did their best with their limited resources. So who are we to judge.. but then maybe this isn't a judgement. Judgement can be left out of it when we forgive while seeing that there was more you could have benefited from, if they had only known or had the resources to do better
How does one reassess their value and prospects on their own?
@simsoThe2nd By analyzing what is measured value and what is feeling-value. Measured is how much you earn, how good listener you are ... What do you mean by prospects? If you want something to happen, just go for it, work toward it.
@@juriscervenaks8953 Thanks for answering. Just go for it is sadly easier said than done. I think with prospects is meant the possibilities that one will have after reassessing their value. It's said in the video at 3:26
@@juriscervenaks8953 my problem is that I know that what I've learned to think about myself in the childhood is not right. I know that on a logical level, but it doesn't go further than that. I'm talking nice about myself (most of the time) for some years. Yet I don't really have much more self esteem. I still react to people and situations like I learned in childhood. People pleasing, acting like I can't do nothing right, getting anxious when someone wants something for me or is looking at what I'm doing, etc.
This could surprise you!
Self esteem doesn’t exist, it’s simply a societal construct surrounding shame, which in turn is another construct, stemming from comparing ourselves to the shiny and glamorous lives of all those we see “succeed.” The only reason you have high self esteem is because you have a beggar or homeless addict to compare yourselves to. The only reason you have low self esteem is because some external stimulus is teaching you to think there’s something wrong with you.
Though, from what you said, I do also agree. Self esteem does exist, you simply explained it in a objective sense, things can exist that aren't solely dependent on an environment that is independent from ones thoughts.
When it comes to learning about the two realities, you have to understand that both compliment each other and react to one another. (An Intersubjective reality)
Example could be moral values. it can exist between shared understandings between people, which are not part of objectivity, yet can also exist outside those interactions, since within those societies or cultures, because they have things in common independently.
An example could be a "boat". (Something that floats), one society could make a simple raft, but another society may make an entire warship. (They are both different, yet they both serve a common purpose, to float or traverse on water)
So what is your esteem rooted in? I would love to hear.
high self esteem would be puffed up pride; superiority, as low esteem would be inferiority; feeling worthless? both are self-focused you think?
@@Jesusisvictorious_ I would simplify it to either think you’re a good person or not thinking you’re a good person based on what society says about your life. I have “low self esteem.” But if I hadn’t spent 37 years soaking up the zeitgeist, its views on success and achievement, and subconsciously comparing myself to it, I wouldn’t have this sense of self loathing. So the sense of one’s worth is in a way a product or result of the human construct of shame.
Excelent
Ratan tata good example
Not sure it can be fixed though even though psychotherapists may tell us otherwise