Alternatively, barriers could have been internally built against love simply due to one’s own outer perception of what they think love ought to be and not what it is.
@@Cos7mos Your experience is valid… Something I’ve come to realize is that when we form these barriers against love, whether it stems from past personal experience via interpersonal neglect or abuse; we in turn begin to withhold from ourselves the capacity of becoming whole and feeling our own love coming out of ourselves for others. I hope this helps soothes whatever has caused your suffering.
The reason of the fear of vulnerability, is not having a good set of boundaries, or not having boundaries at all, which leads to an eventual hurt after time. And when they get hurt they push people away.
@@waelsaid8185 That might be part of it, but even if you set boundaries, those can still get crossed. That risk is just an inherent part of trying to connect with someone else (so the more risk averse you are, the harder it will be to make meaningful connnections).
@@waelsaid8185No. If you love someone and they love you some boundaries must be charmed away. Not all of them but lots of them which you set with ordinary people. And if you want closeness you have to be vulnerable. No vulnerablity, no real and close connection.
It depends on whether you see value in love. I for one don't consider myself unworthy of love, I think that love, unlike what this word suggests, has no meaning. I believe that love wouldn't bring any value to my life, so I grew dismissive of it. No I'm completely fine with no love (romantic one) but I have the love of my parents, siblings and few friends and that's more than enough
Am I the only one who had to keep going back 20 seconds cause I get lost in thought, drawing parallels from what I'm hearing 💀🤷🏽♂️ if yes, here's a hug for you 🫂
Damn I remember the first time I have fallen in love, I remember I was ready to do anything for that person. After things didn't work out, I have fallen into a depression for at least 6 months and when I have managed to get out of that state, I didn't felt the same towards people and for the next experiences I have became much colder in bonding with someone. I think this happens to most of us...
Being here seems like a good indicator that you are doing something right. i like to think that i am malleable regardless of the stage i am in my life. Change is the only constant thing. You sure will change, you gotta decide how you wanna change. I look back on my 23 yo self and think how much i've changed. @@Alfred-lr3td
It's terrible. Feeling the pain when someone comes close enough, that you either push them away or you yourself get away from them, never getting what we truly want.
I did this in my last relationship. I tried everything to get away from him but at the same time I didn’t wanna hurt him, so I stayed; until I somehow manipulated myself into falling out of love, and that was my excuse to leave him. I felt horrible during that time, and I felt even worse for feeling like that. I was so confused and ashamed. I’m still ashamed, but I’m not confused anymore. I hope having the knowledge you have now helps you in your journey towards true love. I believe in you dear stranger. 🫂🌹🤍
@@Cos7mos You’re not fucked up! You didn’t choose to react that way when given love, you learned it at some point; but you have the power to change that and NO ONE, not a single soul, can take that freedom away from you.
My favorite part was the last one: we terrified that we finally will be able to be with someone that could makes us happy in a relationship something that is unnatural and frightening. Something we never had the experience of. And I strongly believe this is not only in romantic relationships but in any relationship we have.
I realized that me trying to sabotage my relationship is because deep down I fear that if we stay together, we will become miserable and unhappy like my parents who never divorced. I don't want to be blamed for ruining his youth and I don't want to blame him too.
As an emphatic person who has been belittled by many people i stay away from people who i think that can do harm to me, i love my isolation from the outside world.
There are many great people in the world you miss out on when you isolate yourself to avoid the bad ines. You should instead build confidence and self esteem and learn to stand up for yourself through the support of others.
Cool, so because I was ignored and left super alone as a child, I now must live my entire life alone, but more in a "I don't deserve love" preemption kinda way than self sabotage
@@thersten What this video describes is called "dismissive avoidant attachment". It's an attachment disorder, that is caused by neglect and/or abuse in early childhood, and we're talking about ages 0-2 here. A child's caregivers cause this before the child is even able to reliably go potty. It's not something that you can decide to leave behind due to your superior intellect. It's a result of actual brain damage at a time, when your baby brain was still in development: The amygdala region is damaged chemically, because it needs love and care to grow properly at that age. If you don't get those things, it fails to form in the way it's supposed to. You acquire an oxytocin shortage, meaning you will have low levels of the main human bonding hormone for the rest of your life. This has physical consequences, for example it can lead to numbness in parts of your body, that work as oxytocin triggers, like nipple$. A woman with low oxytocin can be able to feel something when she touches her own nipple$, but is shut down so severely towards others due to chemical brain damage, that she does not feel anything at all when someone else touches them, for example. This can be in a sexual context, but also affect nursing: She would not physically feel her own baby latching on. Breasts and specifically nipple$ are oxytocin trigger regions, which is why women in 16th century England went bare-breasted to some events (this included the queen) and it was customary for male guests to caress their breasts as a form of greeting. If a woman feels nothing at all when being touched there, that can be due to a lack of oxytocin, i.e. an inability to bond. And when a chemical imbalance in your brain has such severe cobsequences not only for your social life, but for your body's actual ability to feel skin contact, that's not some throwaway quirk, that can be taken care of by sheer willpower. Sadly the 3 forms of insecure attachment require an understanding partner, who is willing to put in some work and help heal the attachment disorder by being more reliable, nurturing and kind than those $hitty parents, that caused the problem. But it's almost impossible to find someone like that. That's why at some point dismissive avoidant people like me simply learn to accept, that we've been damaged when we were absolutely defenseless, and we're being left alone with the consequences and will never have a secure connection with a partner. It's not something we can repair on our own, because if we could, we would do that. After all we're masters of fixing our lives independently.
One needs a sense of perspective around love. Finding love changes a lot less than you think it does. Love won’t undo anything that happened to you. Whether you find love or not, you’re still you.
"He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships" is about passive vs active commitment-phobes. Read it ages ago, but it was very enlightening.
A soldier guides a penguin across the desert to reunite the penguin with his true love, and along this treacherous journey, the penguin asks the soldier "Why do you risk your life guiding others to their hearts desire? Don't you wish you had someone waiting for you on the other side of the desert?" The soldier stops to think about it for a few seconds, but he just says no. Once they reach their destination, the penguin thanks the soldier and shares an observation. He tells the soldier, "You fight so bravely because you have nothing, and you actually want nothing because if you had something or someone to love, then you would have something to lose, and your heart would no longer be made of steel." The point of the story- You can spend a lifetime hiding from yourself what you really want most, what you truly need most. Love, love is what people need the most. Every thought pondered, every word spoken, and every action taken is done out of love, or a calling out for love.
I am 26years old, and I have seen many good girls but couldn't talk to them. First problem I think I am too righteous that I don't wanna even hurt their soul even if they accepted. Moreover,bcz I struggle financially and focused on more of studying rather than anything. Now I am struggling to find a job as well and living terrible life. So I can't even buy myself a decent food how I am going to buy my future girlfriend even food. But I know from the bottom of my heart that world is full of good people whose deserve love and kindness!
You need to turn that studying into a job. I suspect you study too widely and a lot of things that might be related but you do not study any deep enough. Figure out what it'll take to get a job in one of the subjects you enjoy studying and focus on studying just that, you already enjoy it. Give yourself 6 moments. Understand that what you want is simple, a peaceful mind, an ability to speak to people without fear and to study things you like. Focus on just those for 3 - 6 months. And handle the rest of your life around that.
@@shiewhun1772 well, currently IT market struggling and it is very hard to get a job if you don't have experience. I am currently working as a freelancer to get a experience. After 6months I start applying to jobs with my experience
A woman, which is what you should be dating in your 20s (not a "girl"), that sees you for who you are and loves that doesn't care if you're poor because you are studying or looking for a job. I dated men in college who were poor students like myself. You can do all sorts of wonderful things with a partner that don't involve any or much money. Pick her some flowers instead of buying them. Ask her to go for a walk or a picnic in a park. Make a sweet card. Silly, sweet little things like that show care. If the woman you want to date is rejecting you because you are pursuing an education while diligently looking for a job and being sweet, kind and attentive to her then you probably don't want to date that person anyway. She has to bring something as well. Anyone who values things that cost money over intimacy, trust, humor, intelligence, wit, etc, is probably not the sort of person you want to be with anyway. Oh, just go watch @thespeechprof
I once read that you should not date someone until you have sorted out your life, that doesn’t mean that it should be like that in all cases, but self-love is also about sorting out our lives, if you meet the right girl along the way it will happen without forcing it, it all will follow suit. Focus on yourself first, I understand life can be chaotic sometimes, and it can bring us down to our knees, but always stand up and be better. Be safe, mate!
@@luiscredidio444 Absolutely not! Dating people gives you that experience you need to learn what you do and do not want/accept to devote towards a forever person. You don't have to sleep around to do this. Just see people.
Or the fear to be used or abused. I agree. The thesis and 2:26 is wrong. Though the cause of the video and the channel is the support of bravery and that is positive. But you should never forget to listen to your gut feeling/intuition.
Or fear of losing love Or fear of not being enough to deserve that love Or fear of love not being real Or fear of being replaced Or fear of being hurt emotionally Or fear of being physically abused again Or…ya get it?
We don't fear rejection. We don't fear what we know. We may expect rejection. The video says we fear a successful relationship because that is unknown.
I'm 33 and my first and last relationship was almost 10 years ago. Every time I meet a new person there's always something not to my liking. Either the way they dress, the way their face is, the way they behave, there's always something. I've tried to "lower" my standards, but it just didn't work. So I've accepted that I may never find my ideal love partner. On one hand I feel sad, but I'm really independent and self-sufficient on the other hand. Life...
@@UlasMT goes both ways though - what you love in yourself, you love in others 🤍 focus on loving yourself and your wonderful uniqueness and watch how effortless it becomes to love others for the same reason ✨
@@playwithlight357 That's the thing, I'm really content with who I am as a person and what I look like, but for some reason, there's a disconnection when it comes to meeting potential love interests. I think this is a topic I will discuss with my therapist next week.
I feel like I can easier accept love from friends than in romantic relationships. Maybe, just maybe, it's not about you feeling "trapped", but more about this rather strange concept of a romantic, committed relationship? It's a nice rollercoaster of emotions falling in love with someone, and it's beautiful, but do accept love from everyone around you and not just this one person. Once the rush wears off, you'll have an easier time accepting them for what they are - a good friend.
This video hit so close to home. I recently got into a fight with my boyfriend. He was trying to comfort me and love me while I was trying to push him away because I was scared of feeling abandoned and rejected. Seeing his face in pain hurt me because I don't want to lose him. Like in this video, I am so used to being isolated and alone. I just got used to being independent and escaping from books. I am still learning to open myself to love.
Been rejected a billion times, now I reject love. Don't plan on changing anytime soon. I don't want anyone distracting me from my goals anymore, and I don't want to dedicate any more time to people who have never really wanted me
Thanks to the school of life, I believe that we move forward with courage and openness towards love, remembering that, at the end of the day, it is what truly makes us human and gives us a deeper purpose in this life.
“We are immensely scared that they might make us very happy.”… I thought happiness was an inside job and you shouldn’t depend on outside sources for your happiness? I am very independent and very happy, but I definitely see how my husband leaving, then my dad suddenly dying, then my mom dying got me pushing people away for fear of becoming dependent on them, then they leave. So… I’ve relied on myself and found my happiness independently. I wouldn’t mind sharing life with a like minded person but I’m worried that bringing in a partner could mess up my contentment.
I'm 💯 with you on this one. Have a fantastic life and I learnt to love myself. I have everything I need. It is an inside job, looking for someone to make you happy is dangerous and a waste of time
Sometimes I feel great to be alone and enjoy your my company, but sometimes that also make me feel stranded on this planet alone, to see everybody have someone to talk, to laugh, to sit and to live together. I guess we are just human after all, and we all need someone to love, to share, somebody who wait for us, somebody to stand on our side, through bad times and good times. Sometimes we find the wrong people that would just break us, making us stop trying, but I do believe that there are still people that cares about you and want to share a life with you. And at the end of the day, you want to come home to somebody who you share your life with, because life is already tough.
You should be able to choose to be happy at any time but that doesn't mean external things can't make you happy. We just have to learn to be resilient when and if they don't.
so relatable, I have never felt so identified with a YT vid. Self compassion is the key, being aware of this pattern and making an effort to go further.
These videos are great because even when they don't apply to us, they're a great way to learn how other people might feel and think. If we happen to get closer to people like that we might now be able to help them feel safer and more understood 💞
@@Cos7mos I make connections all the time now. I used to work in a laboratory but, now I work in marketing. I made good friends, I go out dancing, and have gym friends, and I'm more open with my family and open with everyone I meet. Being vulnerable is what helps us understand one another. I've been blown away by all the difficult things that others have struggled with. And I've felt more alive and connected than I've ever felt before.
I’d never been afraid to love until my last relationship. It’s been 7 years, I’ve healed a lot but I’m still terrified for the most part. It seems easier to self sabotage a lot of times.
Six minutes of learning what the avoidant attachment style is. As much as I understand this is a ad and funnel video I wish you would have tacked on there are steps to correct this and people can change their mindset and attachment style.
so heartmelted,so true. but i still can’t imagine how to open my soul to the fullness of feelings,passion,frankness of a happy relationship that gives strength and inspiration,charging eachother with this amazing electrifying,tender,protective energy..after what happened to me: how wildly,painfully and harshly i was used. ..i want,but i can't,literally can't trust
it's crazy how timely these recommendations can be. I have been in a relationship (that ended fairly recently) with a partner who had done just this. Tried reasoning and we had great moments while it lasted and somehow there was always something that was not how they wanted
I had a crush on this guy. I flirted and he flirted back. Yet no matter how often he would sit with me or find me to talk to me, he would never ask me out. Weeks turned into months which turned into half a year, no change. Until finally I was asked out by someone else. I reluctantly gave up on my crush. But I still feel bad for him sometimes. He was shy and could never find the courage. But when you find the strength to pursue a relationship even when it's scary, that alone stands as good evidence that you are ready for one. I hope he finds someone else and the courage.
Wow, a good topic. Quite many facts from the example resonated with me. I sort of want love and yet push people away. I'm aware about some inner fear deep inside of me that was burried because someone pushed me hard enough to feel worthless and unlovable years ago. I feel best in solitude and yet the sense of loneliness creeps sometimes as the years go by. My hope is to overcome this fear and open up to meeting new people. I need new friends first to get back to social life and meet people, who will accept me as I am.
Running away from love, in my case, would be simply the reason of knowing how pain it gives by not only losing a partner, but simply loving. It hurts just to love and I can easily cry from it because of how much it hurts me and scares me, as I have always pictures myself as a forever alone individual
I resonated with this philosophy. Like Rumi, once said, I am doing my best to break down all the barriers i built against it. It's a never ending job. Being an avoidant, it's not that I am fearful of rejection, rather, I am afraid of being loved. I have noticed that I have developed a tendency to choose potential partners that I can't have.
In the course of about 10 months now , I’ve gotten to know more intimately my partner. At our best moments there is loving tenderness and understanding of the other, and this I have come to greatly value in our relationship. But on the side , I saw how differences also created a distance between us . Except with this video I am beginning to understand better where it’s coming from …
Oh my myy i never ever in my lifetime felt this much understood 🥺 i mean you exactly described why my love for animals is dis much high nd yeah i do hv parental probs jus like you mentioned they weren't be available in your childhood, you you help me understand why i feel the way i feel and this isn't my fault this is nothing to do with me or other blaming for me someone else's actions, i mean thank youu ao muchh not any video has helped me understanding myself clearly as much as this one did even tho dis was jus 6 mins, again i jus wanna thank the creator of this vid❤
Wow This video appeared on my feed when I just received a message that someone I matched with at a singles event. I was feeling such terror and anxiety. Despite liking this girl I fear connecting due to fear of failure, lack of self-esteem and fear of change. I guess change is scary. Despite being unhappy with the status a lot of us cling to it because change is scary and risks the prospect of failure. However, change is inevitable. We will grow and eventually pass. What matters is if the change is active vs passive
you get badly hurt, you lose people or you walk away, you take time to grieve and evaluate, you pick yourself up again. if you repeat this cycle a few times without losing your resilience and willingness to work hard, to improve, to be compassionate with yourself and to not give up on love permanently, you will find the narrative shifts. be courageous.
Somehow I just feel happy on my own already, I cannot think of any single thing that might make it worth trying to seek a relationship with another person.
ouch, this was really on the nose for me right now, but what I needed to hear. I already was aware of this truth in my life, but a reminder was both painful and restorative
i love a guy just like this. we met in person but he lives in a different continent. he’s had a rough family life and he’s been through a heartbreak for a girl he never dated, in fact he would set her up with other people. i recently booked flights to go visit him and he seemed overwhelmed and is now acting more distant than before. the thing is i empathise and i understand i just don’t know what to do, i just want to show him the love he deserves, platonic or romantic i just want to be there for him and spend some time with him.
This is me. I crave love and community but I’m afraid of it. I never had it constantly so I had to depend on myself for comfort and stability. Now I’m too independent to even seek out people. I feel no one cares and that feeling leads me down a more lonelier path. Ugh it’s the worst
Same here. I feel like every time I reach out to people to make friends or find a group, i get dismissed or slapped down and it's like, why even try in the first place? Obviously, these people don't care about me. I was better off doing my own thing alone.
It can be confusing when viewed from the other side (the one unwittingly sabotaged)...especially when saboteurs rarely let you know what was actually going on, leaving you to guess and speculate. That's the biggest cruelty of it all.
All the negatives examples of parental figure I experienced, father violent, mother depressed. I am now 6 years in theraphy trying to find love experience (short or long term), but it seems impossible, I have an apartment, I do sports, I have a job that gives me a lot of free time, I try to socialise by meeting friends, but nothing works. I feel like therapy is not working anymore, it is true I am very independent, but I am concious of sabotage, I am concious of my desire to meet someone.
Don't give up, Pancho! You are doing so many good things to help yourself. Keep going, and someone special will cross your path when you least expect it!
This is me ❤ this made me cry 😢. I am dead inside . I have no idea how I am still alive at 52 after a life of hell but this is me . I wish I could change .❤ so please I found the school of life ! TY x
I have felt like I want to avoid other peoples care even though my mum loved me so much and my dad too, my mum was a stay at home mum and she was always there for me if I was poorly or anything. Where I feel that what you’ve said is true for me is throughout high school I was severely bullied. I had “friends” who used to invite me to hang out with them but then they would make fun of me and say I was “following them around” and it was heartbreaking. It was every day. I felt so sad and very alone. At one stage I would walk to the back of the playing field and sit there alone and shiver and shiver until the end of break, I was trying to avoid everyone. I felt I couldn’t go to dinner in the hall and I developed a eating disorder where I would walk and walk around the high school every morning, lunch and afternoon break time and I didn’t want to eat. Typing this out made me so sad for little Amy and her parents who tried so hard to make me feel loved. High school is horrendous The teachers made it worse, they made us all sit in a room “till we figured it out” and got even more bullied as I had snitched on them 😢
I can't help but feel as if this video explains more of a woman's psyche when it comes to relationships. As a male, the reason I choose not to give romance a try these days is because I have an outlook tainted by past experiences, and I can't envision a successful long term romance because of that. Getting to that mindset was a gradual process, but I'm aware of why I do what I do. Along that same process, I've met many women that have sabotaged their relationship with me, or even others, and it is always a product of their own actions, as explained in this video. Talk to them about it, and they'll tell you a host of external reasons beyond their control, but the truth is that they simply don't want it to work. Maybe because they envision something better, maybe because they can't accept it
But yes, I do agree on this. I could see myself starting to have an “ick” or just starting to see the surprising flaws as soon as I start ti understand that things are heating up between me and other side
School of life is so cool! Very informative and reflexive. I Like all the contents posted, thank you very much for the very great analysis on life subjects and this insights.
Until January of this year, I was seeing someone with whom I felt very happy. Then, within about a month, everything fell apart. Because I started to have a crush on my teacher at my school. He is married, has a child and is 12 years older than me. I was aware then and now that it was not ethically right at all, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop my feelings and in order not to upset the person further I told him that I want to stopped seeing each other. (Also I think he sensed the situation).Then I realized that I literally prefer to fall in love with 'impossible' people and experience feelings in a one-sided way all the time. Maybe I tried a different way in this case, but every time, maybe unintentionally or willingly, I literally return myself to this ‘one-sided’ situation.
Fear of being manipulated is also another as some people genuinely do love their partner and want to grow with them but their are people with a different agenda who genuinely want you to have that illusion so they can proceed with their plans…murder is the extreme.
I thoroughly enjoyed this video. I liked how it touched on the hyper independence as a way to self preserve. I personally felt attacked when you said it lol😂. I didn’t even think you’d mention it at all. But then I was hit with it and had to think, “man. This may apply to me after all”. However, for my case, I’m not afraid of true happiness. I’m afraid of change. That the person I’ll be with, that makes me comfortable enough to let my guard down will switch up and hit me when I don’t have my walls up. It may be what you said for other ppl in the video but it’s not necessarily the case for me(and maybe some others like me, too). I’d be interested to hear your feedback on my personal struggle and how to overcome that part.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Barrier is because of traumatic past experiences.
Alternatively, barriers could have been internally built against love simply due to one’s own outer perception of what they think love ought to be and not what it is.
@@AccidentalH3ro I shared what happened with me. I had a traumatic past.
@@Cos7mos Your experience is valid… Something I’ve come to realize is that when we form these barriers against love, whether it stems from past personal experience via interpersonal neglect or abuse; we in turn begin to withhold from ourselves the capacity of becoming whole and feeling our own love coming out of ourselves for others. I hope this helps soothes whatever has caused your suffering.
@@AccidentalH3ro That's so true it's really a painful phase but I'm patient. Tysm God Bless You 😇
“opening myself to someone is like handing over a bow and arrow and teaching them where it hurts the most”
🫂
.... and trusting that they won't
then true love will be shown when we both have our arrow aimed directly to each other's hearts, yet both decide to not release the shot
You need to rewatch the video again 🙄
@@UnseenWhispers420you didn't understand what the person meant, maybe you're the one who needs to reread?
We want love, but we don't wanna be vulnerable (and that's the paradox, because love and vulnerability go hand in hand).
The reason of the fear of vulnerability, is not having a good set of boundaries, or not having boundaries at all, which leads to an eventual hurt after time. And when they get hurt they push people away.
@@waelsaid8185 That might be part of it, but even if you set boundaries, those can still get crossed. That risk is just an inherent part of trying to connect with someone else (so the more risk averse you are, the harder it will be to make meaningful connnections).
@@waelsaid8185No. If you love someone and they love you some boundaries must be charmed away. Not all of them but lots of them which you set with ordinary people. And if you want closeness you have to be vulnerable. No vulnerablity, no real and close connection.
Because love is a ego less phenomenon
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
-Stephen Chbosky
It depends on whether you see value in love. I for one don't consider myself unworthy of love, I think that love, unlike what this word suggests, has no meaning. I believe that love wouldn't bring any value to my life, so I grew dismissive of it. No I'm completely fine with no love (romantic one) but I have the love of my parents, siblings and few friends and that's more than enough
Am I the only one who had to keep going back 20 seconds cause I get lost in thought, drawing parallels from what I'm hearing 💀🤷🏽♂️ if yes, here's a hug for you 🫂
🫂
And also a hug for you!
me too ;-;
Same yo
It definitely hit very close to home. Another thing for me to work on.
‘’Once in a lifetime, a person is extremely impulsive, but then he becomes cold towards everything forever.”
YES
jesus... i fear this is me as i used to be cheerful around a lot of people. but ive been hurt so many times by evil women.
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion
Same here.
Because most of the time impulse leads to bad decisions. Like girl mocking you for approaching her 😅
Damn I remember the first time I have fallen in love, I remember I was ready to do anything for that person. After things didn't work out, I have fallen into a depression for at least 6 months and when I have managed to get out of that state, I didn't felt the same towards people and for the next experiences I have became much colder in bonding with someone. I think this happens to most of us...
“Though we all crave love in theory, our capacity to accept it in practice depends on the quality of our early emotional experiences.”
Well said. No words can explain how important our Early Years are.
I'm still unsure in how I change. Both my parents were toxic
Being here seems like a good indicator that you are doing something right. i like to think that i am malleable regardless of the stage i am in my life. Change is the only constant thing. You sure will change, you gotta decide how you wanna change. I look back on my 23 yo self and think how much i've changed. @@Alfred-lr3td
im kms
💯
I'm 32, I've never been in a relationship, and I feel called out.
Trust me, you won the prize, because the greatest pain for a person is having too good a memory. I want to forget the people I loved.
@@kennyz8981it’s better to experience it than not too , because at the end of the day the good memories are worth it ..
It's terrible. Feeling the pain when someone comes close enough, that you either push them away or you yourself get away from them, never getting what we truly want.
It's happening with me I'm so fucked up 😭
I did this in my last relationship. I tried everything to get away from him but at the same time I didn’t wanna hurt him, so I stayed; until I somehow manipulated myself into falling out of love, and that was my excuse to leave him. I felt horrible during that time, and I felt even worse for feeling like that. I was so confused and ashamed. I’m still ashamed, but I’m not confused anymore.
I hope having the knowledge you have now helps you in your journey towards true love. I believe in you dear stranger. 🫂🌹🤍
@@Cos7mos You’re not fucked up! You didn’t choose to react that way when given love, you learned it at some point; but you have the power to change that and NO ONE, not a single soul, can take that freedom away from you.
@@banglittlechan Thanks a lot Ma'am 🙏💗
@@Cos7mos No worries, I hope you can heal. 🤍🌹
39 years after, with lots of inner work and resilience, the narrative changes
This is true. Imagine have to fight yourself to get the love you deserve and not to hurt the other people.
I want love, I get love, I feel trapped, I push them away. It’s a cycle, I feel so horrible
I feel ya. "Attached" was a fantastic book that helped me understand my love cycle.
After awareness comes action. Time to be single for awhile, while you heal your attachment issues.
Me too 😔
i dont think i heard this. How does getting love make yiu feel trapped
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion ain't hEARd it unLess/untiL yoU say it aLoud !.
My favorite part was the last one: we terrified that we finally will be able to be with someone that could makes us happy in a relationship something that is unnatural and frightening. Something we never had the experience of.
And I strongly believe this is not only in romantic relationships but in any relationship we have.
Same. That was the part where I got all choked up.
I realized that me trying to sabotage my relationship is because deep down I fear that if we stay together, we will become miserable and unhappy like my parents who never divorced. I don't want to be blamed for ruining his youth and I don't want to blame him too.
knowing things like this is half the battle. may you be victorious in finding love, and the joy in it.
My fear is that we dicorce, the way my own parents did. Opposite ends of the same problem, very interesting.
As an emphatic person who has been belittled by many people i stay away from people who i think that can do harm to me, i love my isolation from the outside world.
There are many great people in the world you miss out on when you isolate yourself to avoid the bad ines. You should instead build confidence and self esteem and learn to stand up for yourself through the support of others.
@@FightLikeRashad ive tried but im done, i only gatther with people with the same liking as me.
There's a song about you, it's called "I am a Rock" by Simon and Garfunkel
@@luisgustavo6117 not a huge simón @ Garfunkel fan but will listen to It.
I can totally resonate with this.
You described an avoidant is 6 min. As a fearful avoidant I feel seen. Thank you ❤❤❤
Same
❤
I'm cracking up at that character brushing his hair while been actually bald. 😂
You got the deepest message from the video among the rest.
Bahahaha
in case anyone is wondering, this video describes the "dismissive avoidant" attachment style.
I'm comforted it isn’t just me, and I'm horrified it isn't just me.
Cool, so because I was ignored and left super alone as a child, I now must live my entire life alone, but more in a "I don't deserve love" preemption kinda way than self sabotage
Yep, that's us. Welcome to the club.
No. You don't have to. We're adults now so we can choose
U don’t have to. This vid was to explain to u what’s going on, it’s up to u to change that and break out of that cycle. Don’t b one of les miserables
@@thersten What this video describes is called "dismissive avoidant attachment". It's an attachment disorder, that is caused by neglect and/or abuse in early childhood, and we're talking about ages 0-2 here.
A child's caregivers cause this before the child is even able to reliably go potty.
It's not something that you can decide to leave behind due to your superior intellect. It's a result of actual brain damage at a time, when your baby brain was still in development: The amygdala region is damaged chemically, because it needs love and care to grow properly at that age. If you don't get those things, it fails to form in the way it's supposed to.
You acquire an oxytocin shortage, meaning you will have low levels of the main human bonding hormone for the rest of your life.
This has physical consequences, for example it can lead to numbness in parts of your body, that work as oxytocin triggers, like nipple$.
A woman with low oxytocin can be able to feel something when she touches her own nipple$, but is shut down so severely towards others due to chemical brain damage, that she does not feel anything at all when someone else touches them, for example. This can be in a sexual context, but also affect nursing: She would not physically feel her own baby latching on.
Breasts and specifically nipple$ are oxytocin trigger regions, which is why women in 16th century England went bare-breasted to some events (this included the queen) and it was customary for male guests to caress their breasts as a form of greeting. If a woman feels nothing at all when being touched there, that can be due to a lack of oxytocin, i.e. an inability to bond.
And when a chemical imbalance in your brain has such severe cobsequences not only for your social life, but for your body's actual ability to feel skin contact, that's not some throwaway quirk, that can be taken care of by sheer willpower.
Sadly the 3 forms of insecure attachment require an understanding partner, who is willing to put in some work and help heal the attachment disorder by being more reliable, nurturing and kind than those $hitty parents, that caused the problem. But it's almost impossible to find someone like that.
That's why at some point dismissive avoidant people like me simply learn to accept, that we've been damaged when we were absolutely defenseless, and we're being left alone with the consequences and will never have a secure connection with a partner.
It's not something we can repair on our own, because if we could, we would do that. After all we're masters of fixing our lives independently.
there is a,solution: hire an EMDR psychologist and listen "Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving " book. hope it helps. worked for me
One needs a sense of perspective around love.
Finding love changes a lot less than you think it does.
Love won’t undo anything that happened to you.
Whether you find love or not, you’re still you.
"He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships" is about passive vs active commitment-phobes. Read it ages ago, but it was very enlightening.
The 1st girl who said she loved me/had crush on me i still remember asking her "why?" Why do you love me? I was 16
an hug for you man
Do you ever regret losing her?
still better than told "I don't have reasons to love you" after 6 months
@@eliocepe5270 thanks man but its too late now
@@J.M.. Not really.
A soldier guides a penguin across the desert to reunite the penguin with his true love, and along this treacherous
journey, the penguin asks the soldier "Why do you risk your life guiding others to their hearts desire? Don't you wish you
had someone waiting for you on the other side of the desert?" The soldier stops to think about it for a few seconds, but he
just says no. Once they reach their destination, the penguin thanks the soldier and shares an observation. He tells
the soldier, "You fight so bravely because you have nothing, and you actually want nothing because if you had something
or someone to love, then you would have something to lose, and your heart would no longer be made of steel."
The point of the story- You can spend a lifetime hiding from yourself what you really want most, what you truly need most.
Love, love is what people need the most. Every thought pondered, every word spoken, and every action taken
is done out of love, or a calling out for love.
Thank you! 👍
Thank You!
❤
Great story but now I wanna know how the penguin ended up in a desert in the first place lol
@@kalebrice3115 Yeah it's kind of a weird short story. It's from a TV show called Debris. Season 1 episode 9.
I am 26years old, and I have seen many good girls but couldn't talk to them. First problem I think I am too righteous that I don't wanna even hurt their soul even if they accepted. Moreover,bcz I struggle financially and focused on more of studying rather than anything. Now I am struggling to find a job as well and living terrible life. So I can't even buy myself a decent food how I am going to buy my future girlfriend even food. But I know from the bottom of my heart that world is full of good people whose deserve love and kindness!
You need to turn that studying into a job. I suspect you study too widely and a lot of things that might be related but you do not study any deep enough. Figure out what it'll take to get a job in one of the subjects you enjoy studying and focus on studying just that, you already enjoy it. Give yourself 6 moments. Understand that what you want is simple, a peaceful mind, an ability to speak to people without fear and to study things you like. Focus on just those for 3 - 6 months. And handle the rest of your life around that.
@@shiewhun1772 well, currently IT market struggling and it is very hard to get a job if you don't have experience. I am currently working as a freelancer to get a experience. After 6months I start applying to jobs with my experience
A woman, which is what you should be dating in your 20s (not a "girl"), that sees you for who you are and loves that doesn't care if you're poor because you are studying or looking for a job. I dated men in college who were poor students like myself. You can do all sorts of wonderful things with a partner that don't involve any or much money. Pick her some flowers instead of buying them. Ask her to go for a walk or a picnic in a park. Make a sweet card. Silly, sweet little things like that show care. If the woman you want to date is rejecting you because you are pursuing an education while diligently looking for a job and being sweet, kind and attentive to her then you probably don't want to date that person anyway. She has to bring something as well. Anyone who values things that cost money over intimacy, trust, humor, intelligence, wit, etc, is probably not the sort of person you want to be with anyway. Oh, just go watch @thespeechprof
I once read that you should not date someone until you have sorted out your life, that doesn’t mean that it should be like that in all cases, but self-love is also about sorting out our lives, if you meet the right girl along the way it will happen without forcing it, it all will follow suit. Focus on yourself first, I understand life can be chaotic sometimes, and it can bring us down to our knees, but always stand up and be better. Be safe, mate!
@@luiscredidio444 Absolutely not! Dating people gives you that experience you need to learn what you do and do not want/accept to devote towards a forever person. You don't have to sleep around to do this. Just see people.
“ I’ll ruin this before you ruin me”
💔
The phobia towards love comes from the fear of rejection.
Or the fear to be used or abused. I agree. The thesis and 2:26 is wrong. Though the cause of the video and the channel is the support of bravery and that is positive. But you should never forget to listen to your gut feeling/intuition.
@@Ueshl7 this is also me
Uuuuuuffff….pffff.
That. Explains a lot actually
Or fear of losing love
Or fear of not being enough to deserve that love
Or fear of love not being real
Or fear of being replaced
Or fear of being hurt emotionally
Or fear of being physically abused again
Or…ya get it?
We don't fear rejection. We don't fear what we know. We may expect rejection. The video says we fear a successful relationship because that is unknown.
I'm 33 and my first and last relationship was almost 10 years ago. Every time I meet a new person there's always something not to my liking. Either the way they dress, the way their face is, the way they behave, there's always something. I've tried to "lower" my standards, but it just didn't work. So I've accepted that I may never find my ideal love partner. On one hand I feel sad, but I'm really independent and self-sufficient on the other hand. Life...
You can read about attachment theory.
What you judge in others is what you judge in yourself
@@playwithlight357 Very true, otherwise I wouldn't pay this much attention to it...
@@UlasMT goes both ways though - what you love in yourself, you love in others 🤍 focus on loving yourself and your wonderful uniqueness and watch how effortless it becomes to love others for the same reason ✨
@@playwithlight357 That's the thing, I'm really content with who I am as a person and what I look like, but for some reason, there's a disconnection when it comes to meeting potential love interests. I think this is a topic I will discuss with my therapist next week.
I feel like I can easier accept love from friends than in romantic relationships. Maybe, just maybe, it's not about you feeling "trapped", but more about this rather strange concept of a romantic, committed relationship? It's a nice rollercoaster of emotions falling in love with someone, and it's beautiful, but do accept love from everyone around you and not just this one person. Once the rush wears off, you'll have an easier time accepting them for what they are - a good friend.
This video hit so close to home. I recently got into a fight with my boyfriend. He was trying to comfort me and love me while I was trying to push him away because I was scared of feeling abandoned and rejected. Seeing his face in pain hurt me because I don't want to lose him. Like in this video, I am so used to being isolated and alone. I just got used to being independent and escaping from books. I am still learning to open myself to love.
Me af girl keep trying
You too! you got this! @@visss2k
Been rejected a billion times, now I reject love. Don't plan on changing anytime soon. I don't want anyone distracting me from my goals anymore, and I don't want to dedicate any more time to people who have never really wanted me
not a billion times tho
Did you feel the need to share something like that to brag about yourself or?
You and me are one and the same
Thanks to the school of life, I believe that we move forward with courage and openness towards love, remembering that, at the end of the day, it is what truly makes us human and gives us a deeper purpose in this life.
“We are immensely scared that they might make us very happy.”… I thought happiness was an inside job and you shouldn’t depend on outside sources for your happiness?
I am very independent and very happy, but I definitely see how my husband leaving, then my dad suddenly dying, then my mom dying got me pushing people away for fear of becoming dependent on them, then they leave. So… I’ve relied on myself and found my happiness independently. I wouldn’t mind sharing life with a like minded person but I’m worried that bringing in a partner could mess up my contentment.
I'm 💯 with you on this one. Have a fantastic life and I learnt to love myself. I have everything I need. It is an inside job, looking for someone to make you happy is dangerous and a waste of time
Sometimes I feel great to be alone and enjoy your my company, but sometimes that also make me feel stranded on this planet alone, to see everybody have someone to talk, to laugh, to sit and to live together. I guess we are just human after all, and we all need someone to love, to share, somebody who wait for us, somebody to stand on our side, through bad times and good times. Sometimes we find the wrong people that would just break us, making us stop trying, but I do believe that there are still people that cares about you and want to share a life with you. And at the end of the day, you want to come home to somebody who you share your life with, because life is already tough.
“What is grief if not love persevering”
You should be able to choose to be happy at any time but that doesn't mean external things can't make you happy. We just have to learn to be resilient when and if they don't.
so relatable, I have never felt so identified with a YT vid. Self compassion is the key, being aware of this pattern and making an effort to go further.
I don’t think all of this applies to me, but this video really hit close to home. Thank you.
These videos are great because even when they don't apply to us, they're a great way to learn how other people might feel and think.
If we happen to get closer to people like that we might now be able to help them feel safer and more understood 💞
How can I thank The School of Life enough. I feel like I owe you everything. Thank you for the beautiful work
Wow. This video literally explains it so well! It checked marked all of the things I do to sabotage a romantic relationship. Incredible.
Wow, it’s like you read my diary, the turning to books, music and nature for companionship. And don’t trust anyone, that’s me.
Same.. But I recently made a change
Same I don’t trust anyone but myself and because of remote work I don’t have to interact with people if I don’t want to!
So peaceful 😊
Me😊
@@thersten what ?
@@Cos7mos I make connections all the time now. I used to work in a laboratory but, now I work in marketing. I made good friends, I go out dancing, and have gym friends, and I'm more open with my family and open with everyone I meet. Being vulnerable is what helps us understand one another. I've been blown away by all the difficult things that others have struggled with. And I've felt more alive and connected than I've ever felt before.
I’d never been afraid to love until my last relationship. It’s been 7 years, I’ve healed a lot but I’m still terrified for the most part. It seems easier to self sabotage a lot of times.
Six minutes of learning what the avoidant attachment style is. As much as I understand this is a ad and funnel video I wish you would have tacked on there are steps to correct this and people can change their mindset and attachment style.
so heartmelted,so true. but i still can’t imagine how to open my soul to the fullness of feelings,passion,frankness of a happy relationship that gives strength and inspiration,charging eachother with this amazing electrifying,tender,protective energy..after what happened to me: how wildly,painfully and harshly i was used. ..i want,but i can't,literally can't trust
it's crazy how timely these recommendations can be. I have been in a relationship (that ended fairly recently) with a partner who had done just this. Tried reasoning and we had great moments while it lasted and somehow there was always something that was not how they wanted
I had a crush on this guy. I flirted and he flirted back. Yet no matter how often he would sit with me or find me to talk to me, he would never ask me out. Weeks turned into months which turned into half a year, no change. Until finally I was asked out by someone else.
I reluctantly gave up on my crush. But I still feel bad for him sometimes. He was shy and could never find the courage. But when you find the strength to pursue a relationship even when it's scary, that alone stands as good evidence that you are ready for one. I hope he finds someone else and the courage.
You could’ve asked him out?
This guy worries more about his financial position.
This channel taught me that when a person is "bad", they all have their shields up so high.
Wow, a good topic. Quite many facts from the example resonated with me. I sort of want love and yet push people away. I'm aware about some inner fear deep inside of me that was burried because someone pushed me hard enough to feel worthless and unlovable years ago. I feel best in solitude and yet the sense of loneliness creeps sometimes as the years go by. My hope is to overcome this fear and open up to meeting new people. I need new friends first to get back to social life and meet people, who will accept me as I am.
Running away from love, in my case, would be simply the reason of knowing how pain it gives by not only losing a partner, but simply loving. It hurts just to love and I can easily cry from it because of how much it hurts me and scares me, as I have always pictures myself as a forever alone individual
I resonated with this philosophy. Like Rumi, once said, I am doing my best to break down all the barriers i built against it. It's a never ending job. Being an avoidant, it's not that I am fearful of rejection, rather, I am afraid of being loved. I have noticed that I have developed a tendency to choose potential partners that I can't have.
In the course of about 10 months now , I’ve gotten to know more intimately my partner. At our best moments there is loving tenderness and understanding of the other, and this I have come to greatly value in our relationship. But on the side , I saw how differences also created a distance between us . Except with this video I am beginning to understand better where it’s coming from …
Why is this so relatable right now and it's a perfect timing omg
Im so glad this golden voice is back.
It’s been a while, love hearing Alan’s voice ❤
Is this narration Alan?
@@jh-nl8yfyes that's him.
Thank you for the content and lovely illustrations you bring in to help us getting in touch with our deep wounds.
Oh my myy i never ever in my lifetime felt this much understood 🥺 i mean you exactly described why my love for animals is dis much high nd yeah i do hv parental probs jus like you mentioned they weren't be available in your childhood, you you help me understand why i feel the way i feel and this isn't my fault this is nothing to do with me or other blaming for me someone else's actions, i mean thank youu ao muchh not any video has helped me understanding myself clearly as much as this one did even tho dis was jus 6 mins, again i jus wanna thank the creator of this vid❤
This is an EMENSLY POWERFUL story line of my life
Its not the care of beeing happy its the scare this person can hurt u more that anyone if u let em close enough to make u feel happy.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Wow This video appeared on my feed when I just received a message that someone I matched with at a singles event. I was feeling such terror and anxiety. Despite liking this girl I fear connecting due to fear of failure, lack of self-esteem and fear of change.
I guess change is scary. Despite being unhappy with the status a lot of us cling to it because change is scary and risks the prospect of failure.
However, change is inevitable. We will grow and eventually pass. What matters is if the change is active vs passive
you get badly hurt, you lose people or you walk away, you take time to grieve and evaluate, you pick yourself up again. if you repeat this cycle a few times without losing your resilience and willingness to work hard, to improve, to be compassionate with yourself and to not give up on love permanently, you will find the narrative shifts. be courageous.
I completely relate to this video. 🚶♀️
Somehow I just feel happy on my own already, I cannot think of any single thing that might make it worth trying to seek a relationship with another person.
I appreciate the sincerity in this video.
ouch, this was really on the nose for me right now, but what I needed to hear. I already was aware of this truth in my life, but a reminder was both painful and restorative
Oh. My. God. Right in the feels 😥
i love a guy just like this. we met in person but he lives in a different continent. he’s had a rough family life and he’s been through a heartbreak for a girl he never dated, in fact he would set her up with other people. i recently booked flights to go visit him and he seemed overwhelmed and is now acting more distant than before. the thing is i empathise and i understand i just don’t know what to do, i just want to show him the love he deserves, platonic or romantic i just want to be there for him and spend some time with him.
I can't even do friendships well, a romantic love is gonna be even harder to handle
As a avoidant guy I’ve come up with a saying “I’ll never want intimacy the way I think and I’ll never hate it the way I hope to”
1:45 he named all of my favourite things
This is me. I crave love and community but I’m afraid of it. I never had it constantly so I had to depend on myself for comfort and stability. Now I’m too independent to even seek out people. I feel no one cares and that feeling leads me down a more lonelier path.
Ugh it’s the worst
Same here. I feel like every time I reach out to people to make friends or find a group, i get dismissed or slapped down and it's like, why even try in the first place? Obviously, these people don't care about me. I was better off doing my own thing alone.
This video hit the nail on the head for me, wow!
Its almost rude how correct you are here..🙂🙂
This hits home. This video is made for me.
"when the eye is unobstructed the result is sight, when the heart is unobstructed the result is love" Anthony de Mello
“If it lay before them” is the key context here. It’s doesn’t lay before many of us.
It can be confusing when viewed from the other side (the one unwittingly sabotaged)...especially when saboteurs rarely let you know what was actually going on, leaving you to guess and speculate. That's the biggest cruelty of it all.
All the negatives examples of parental figure I experienced, father violent, mother depressed. I am now 6 years in theraphy trying to find love experience (short or long term), but it seems impossible, I have an apartment, I do sports, I have a job that gives me a lot of free time, I try to socialise by meeting friends, but nothing works. I feel like therapy is not working anymore, it is true I am very independent, but I am concious of sabotage, I am concious of my desire to meet someone.
Don't give up, Pancho! You are doing so many good things to help yourself. Keep going, and someone special will cross your path when you least expect it!
Counterintuitive, yet compelling. Thought provoking.
I associate such ideas with the idea of intimacy, not love.
This is me ❤ this made me cry 😢. I am dead inside . I have no idea how I am still alive at 52 after a life of hell but this is me . I wish I could change .❤ so please I found the school of life ! TY x
Take up Yoga and Pilates classes and you feel better.
A shout for the visuals too!
the algorithm got me in this one. personally surprised!
This one nearly snatched my weave off.
I have felt like I want to avoid other peoples care even though my mum loved me so much and my dad too, my mum was a stay at home mum and she was always there for me if I was poorly or anything. Where I feel that what you’ve said is true for me is throughout high school I was severely bullied. I had “friends” who used to invite me to hang out with them but then they would make fun of me and say I was “following them around” and it was heartbreaking. It was every day. I felt so sad and very alone. At one stage I would walk to the back of the playing field and sit there alone and shiver and shiver until the end of break, I was trying to avoid everyone. I felt I couldn’t go to dinner in the hall and I developed a eating disorder where I would walk and walk around the high school every morning, lunch and afternoon break time and I didn’t want to eat.
Typing this out made me so sad for little Amy and her parents who tried so hard to make me feel loved. High school is horrendous
The teachers made it worse, they made us all sit in a room “till we figured it out” and got even more bullied as I had snitched on them 😢
I knew someone like that. It's hard to empathize with someone and also be so mad at them. I'll learn to forgive him. ill try.
I can't help but feel as if this video explains more of a woman's psyche when it comes to relationships. As a male, the reason I choose not to give romance a try these days is because I have an outlook tainted by past experiences, and I can't envision a successful long term romance because of that. Getting to that mindset was a gradual process, but I'm aware of why I do what I do. Along that same process, I've met many women that have sabotaged their relationship with me, or even others, and it is always a product of their own actions, as explained in this video. Talk to them about it, and they'll tell you a host of external reasons beyond their control, but the truth is that they simply don't want it to work. Maybe because they envision something better, maybe because they can't accept it
Finally someone made a video DA’s will actually watch.
Sweet.
This channel seriously never disappoints❤thank you so much to all the people creating such helpful content
this is so fearful-avoidant coded
But yes, I do agree on this. I could see myself starting to have an “ick” or just starting to see the surprising flaws as soon as I start ti understand that things are heating up between me and other side
School of life is so cool! Very informative and reflexive. I Like all the contents posted, thank you very much for the very great analysis on life subjects and this insights.
Love is the greatest weakness
Hi, School of Life. Could you manage a video on why some of us never seem to know "what we really want"? Many thanks.
Until January of this year, I was seeing someone with whom I felt very happy. Then, within about a month, everything fell apart. Because I started to have a crush on my teacher at my school. He is married, has a child and is 12 years older than me. I was aware then and now that it was not ethically right at all, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop my feelings and in order not to upset the person further I told him that I want to stopped seeing each other. (Also I think he sensed the situation).Then I realized that I literally prefer to fall in love with 'impossible' people and experience feelings in a one-sided way all the time. Maybe I tried a different way in this case, but every time, maybe unintentionally or willingly, I literally return myself to this ‘one-sided’ situation.
It's not even the fear of rejection for me. Now it's the fear of being hurt after the relationship ends
You do a great job of putting my feelings into words
Ok. So now i know why I'm like this. Then how to fix it???
Thank you!
Fear of being manipulated is also another as some people genuinely do love their partner and want to grow with them but their are people with a different agenda who genuinely want you to have that illusion so they can proceed with their plans…murder is the extreme.
This is my life right now. I am doing it right now, same thing I have done before. Gosh.
I thoroughly enjoyed this video. I liked how it touched on the hyper independence as a way to self preserve. I personally felt attacked when you said it lol😂. I didn’t even think you’d mention it at all. But then I was hit with it and had to think, “man. This may apply to me after all”. However, for my case, I’m not afraid of true happiness. I’m afraid of change. That the person I’ll be with, that makes me comfortable enough to let my guard down will switch up and hit me when I don’t have my walls up. It may be what you said for other ppl in the video but it’s not necessarily the case for me(and maybe some others like me, too). I’d be interested to hear your feedback on my personal struggle and how to overcome that part.
Explained it so well as always
I think now I understand, what's going on, thank you The School of Life.