A Journey with Grief - The First Step
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ก.พ. 2025
- The first video in this series and introduction to the channel. I hike the Indian Mound Reserve trail outside of Xenia, Ohio while narrating the story of this channel's inception. If you are here to join in the discussion about loss, grief, trauma, and suicide, welcome.
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I have not lost anyone to suicide, however i am a suicidal person. Watxhing these videos makes me reconsider my plans my urges , thank you.
I know I am late but I hope you are doing better
@@NicholasAndujar I'm actually doing better surprisingly!I got a loving partner now, started a new job I think things are gonna get better
@@rivrriv that’s good to hear. I hope things only get better for you
I started tearing up when I thought about writing this. I am a US ARMY soldier, in July of 2021 during the Afghanistan withdrawal, my convoy was hit by an IED, I was the driver, and one of my closest friends was the TC. I remember before the blast, and shortly after, but I don’t remember the actual explosion, and from I’ve heard it was a big one (at least 20kg). While at the BDE field hospital, I heard the news that he didn’t make it. I just sat there and cried, for hours on end, wishing it was me that took the brunt of that explosion. He was so young and full of energy, and it was tragically taken from him. I was discharged from the hospital and had to go to his family’s house in PA to inform them about 2 weeks later in a wheelchair. I suffered a broken tibia, a broken collarbone, a traumatic brain injury, fractured skull, 4 broken fingers, and a broken nose. Those were the worst 6 months of my life, losing a brother and dealing with the aftermath of that loss. I miss you Kevin, and I’m sorry.
how are you know have you full recovered and living comfortably also sorry for your lose and thank you for your service
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you have recovered well physically and emotionally from this traumatic experience. Rest in peace Kevin ❤
Thank you for your service i hope you learn that every day is a new one, make them your best dont ever forget your friend and be happy with his memory for thats what he would have wanted for you as much as you do him its okay to grieve whenever you need you have guardian angels watching over you and your friend is definitely one of them just know youre never truly alone through this.. thank you soldier.
God bless you ❤
Thank you for your service, and I'm really sorry for your loss
Rest in peace Kevin 🙏
At 11 I lost my dad to a heart attack and now at 14 I lost my mom to cancer. I truly agree with everything you said. Its hard to deal with grief. But one thing I always say to myself: It's gonna be alright. It just helps me to relax. Because even though the waves of grief need to be there, they should not affect you in a bad way. Because as you say - grief is love. And love makes us stronger.
Sending lots of ❤ from Croatia.
stay strong dude, this is gonna be a a really rough patch in your life but you can do this don't give in and stay strong 💪
take care of yourself too
@@jojolion2682 I would've been gone long ago if I didnt know that :) thanks
@@jojolion2682 will do :)
Stay strong i can't belive what you're going thru but you are strong ❤
I saw the Omori video and decided to watch all of your videos. I lost my cousin, Alexia, to cancer a few years ago now. Of course, she was my friend. Even if we were states apart, we'd talk on the phone or through text.
I'm writing & drawing a 40-page graphic novel, and I plan on leaving a tribute to her in there. I feel like it's the only thing I can really do at this point.
Hey, how's the novel going?
Hey, I’m Isabella. I’m like your daughter. From what I could see, your daughter and I have a lot of the same interests. I saw in a clip you’ve posted of her liking hello kitty characters. My favorite game is Omori. At age 13, I overdosed, and almost passed away. I’m almost 15 now. This is so beautiful, sir. Even just your channel and calm words have helped me. You’re like a dad I never had. My dad was abusive when I was younger and I still cant trust him today. Thank you, sir, for being such a caring guy. I know you made Allison happy. Your words have touched me in a way you don’t know.
I often think about what would happen if I were to commit suicide. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. I think about the aftermath and how my family, friends, and boyfriend would react. I don’t know what the grief feels like, or what people go through after losing people to suicide, but you have opened my eyes and reconsider. Much love from Indiana.
-Isabella
hi, i don’t know if you’ll see this but this but i still want to say it. i feel for you, i’m 15 going 16 and knowing that you-just a person on the internet-has been through all you have makes me want to give you the warmest hug i can. i wish you the best, take care of yourself ❤
18 here and me too ❤
As somebody who has struggled with depression and excruciating suicidal feelings, this has given me an insight I never could've had otherwise into what it would do to others if I were to act on my thoughts. It both validates my perseverance even when I've felt death would be easier, and gives me strength. Thank you for sharing and wishing you and your daughter both peace.
Damn man this really hit me hard. I've been feeling indescribably lonely these past few years and have thought some truly sad things. I'm hoping everyone here gets through whatever it is that's causing you distress and are able to enjoy the beautiful moments after.
I turned 13 in June 29 2023... And I don't know if I should say but I feel very saddened nowadays. Not about school tensions or those, those doesn't mean anything to me.
My tensions are about family issues, my father is about to go bankrupt. It's hard to pay my school fees. It's even getting difficult for us to even buy eggs. I just want to stay alone all the times. Sometimes, I would suddenly cry out of nowhere. I know this is getting a little dramatic from here but there were times I feel like "suicide". But... Watching your video made me feel like I should not leave, I should just stay. I should think about my parents, what will happen to my family if I leave. Thank you.
And I am so sorry for your loss. She will always be remembered.
I hope nothing but the best for you and your family. Despite all the hardships you’ve faced you’re still going. I know I’m just a random person on the internet but I’m proud of you for deciding to stay. Genuinely.❤
This was so beautiful. I commented and subscribed to your channel a couple of weeks ago when it randomly came up on my TH-cam as a suggestion, as I was looking for relief & comfort after losing my 19-year-old daughter (only child) Nov 15, 2023. I just heard you say in your video you were outside of Xenia, Ohio. I was born at Kettering hospital and lived in Franklin Ohio all my life till the age of 26. And then I left home and moved to Las Vegas in the mid 90s where I met my husband and had my beautiful daughter in 2004. There’s nothing here out west for me anymore and I long for my childhood home where I grew up. Your video here is beautiful; both your words and the landscape of my southern Ohio home. I got chills when you mentioned where you lived. It’s a small world, isn’t it?
It's very funny the ways in which life connects people. Sending you and your family strength and love. ❤
Hello, Im just a kid(16). Your omori video drew me here but I havent watched it yet and I checked out your other videos, this being the first. I havent experienced much grief, but I'd like to say that Im with you and I hope your journey turns out for the best.
I lost my soul sister to suicide in 2022. I had trouble navigating through grief. I couldnt believe, i wasnt feeling up sharing what i felt at the moment because it would mean it was real. I thought of her family more , but i, felt nothing but numbness. To this day i still guilty. But i resolved myself, she didnt want to be helped. I hope anywere she is she is feeling ok. I still think of her often. We grew apart but she'll always remain a part of me.
I give a warm ug to everyone who need it to this day❤
Hi, I’m an 18 year old girl. I’m really sorry for your loss. I’ve struggled with suicide since childhood, and this randomly was recommended to me while I was in a bad spot. I watched a few of your videos about your daughter, and I know nothing will bring her back to this stage of life, but if it means anything, you managed to change my mind on taking my own life. For some reason the story about the hiking and uncrustables made me stop and realize I dont want my life to end because there are still so many lovely things in this space and time. Thank you.
I am so proud of how you are facing this very sad time.asking God “why” is the
normal thing to do- we will probably not get our answers when we ask.
God reveals Himself in His time
. You, your Dad, 💕Josh are in my thoughts and prayers every morning from
2 a.m. to 4 a.m. lots of 💕🙏🏻❤️ Me’me’
Sometimes it is hard/uncomfortable to just talk about or share what you are going through…it could be trauma, unimaginable pain, shock, depression, guilt, grief, relationship problems, financial issues, loss, lack of purpose or belonging…but what I want to say is that each person (YOU) matter - life and existence matters. I have had 3 family members and 2 brothers in arms take their lives. There is rarely a day that goes by that I do not think of at least one of these people. That I don’t miss them or want to say to them they are loved. I take strides almost everyday to remove the stigma, talk to the people around me, get to know the people around me, ask questions, provide support, and offer resources. For some people mental health struggles are an everyday battle. Time is precious.
Sending love to all of those who have lost someone. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story/grief, Matt.
Perfectly stated, Abbie. Thank you for being brave enough to share this and help open up the discussion.
I just watched the omori video, causing me to watch the rest of your videos. from someone who suffers from depression I feel so bad for you and your daughter. I can't imagine what she went through and I hope you are doing alright!
You are an incredible man ❤
Hi Matt. I found your channel through one of the Facebook groups. I’m so so sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter. Nature has always been a place where I find solace, and I’m hoping it is where I can start to heal. Four weeks ago today my son was found in our backyard after taking his life. nobody can understand this unless they have to live through it I’m looking for answers. This is the first video of yours I’ve watched but will continue to follow your journey. Grief is lonely but there is strength in solidarity. Hugs 🌿
I’m glad it’s officially been 1 yr since you started this channel.
I'm currently 14 years old. I'm about to be 15, and I'm going to have to start driving, and get a job soon. My mum has MS, and my family is struggling a lot, in many different ways.
There have been multiple times throughout the passed year or so, where, I just can't handle things, I stare out my window and think about just how easy it would be. I beg for the release, but yet I can't do it. Somewhere in my heart I know that I am loved, but even more so, I know that I am needed, for the sake of my family. I know that I'm needed for the sake of my friends. I know that I'm needed for the people I'm yet to meet. I know it. I thank God that I crossed the path of your channel. I found you, as I think many did, through your play through of Omori.
It means a lot, especially because you are a father of a girl very close in age to myself. and, it shows me a glimpse into what my own father, mother, and brothers would go through if I did the same thing that your beautiful daughter did.
Recently, I've been looking back, an older man that we knew for a very long while took his own life roughly a month ago. I thought about it a lot, even people who barely knew him were shook by his death, and the fact that his life was taken in the way that it was.
I think about all the people I know, even my acquaintances. People who know who I am, but don't really know who I am, and how affected even they would be by it.
Unfortunately, I do not have a phone. So I have been unable, through my experience to call any hotlines.
I think that there needs to be something for young people without phones who they can call, or text easily if they feel as though they are losing it.
I know that many times, for myself, I was able to call one of my good friends (on skype, or discord.) if I felt like I was about to do it. But, I know that some other people my age are not as fortunate.
If you are going through the same thing I am, please, do not hesitate to tell your friend(s) if you have not already. You are so, so precious. And I promise you, if you told one of your friends what you are going through, they would be there for you. And if they wouldn't, I would hope its just because they need space. But try to find someone else if that happens, you need to have someone.
Matt, your daughter is so precious. I hope that you can get through this. Coming from someone who is in the same place as the sweet girl was, know that, there were times when she was happy, even directly before she did it, I'm sure.
I’m so proud that you’ve been able to overcome those thoughts, although it’s a shame that it took the death of a man to help you realize that. I know your comment’s pretty old but I thought I’d comment because I spent through a similar thing. I know I’ve lived an, admittedly, well life but I always felt like I was never good enough and that the world would either benefit or not suffer any drawbacks if I just… wasn’t here one day. But then last year in November, I woke up and found out through a school club GC that one of my best friends had died the night before. He shot himself. The police report and the fact that the funeral was closed casket (lol) confirmed this. I was the first person to know, and I felt like it was my kind of responsibility to let all my other friends know and at least help them out as we grieve together. I only wish, prayed, that he knew just how many people showed up to his funeral (legit overcrowded), just how many people did actually care about him, and how much harm that his self-harm caused us. Never think for a bit that doing something like that would end up “helping” or being anything less than hurting not just yourself, because in doing so you hurt so many more. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for them.
@@thenitpickchannel9993 Thank you for this comment, I've been without suicidal thoughts for almost an entire month now, and I'm hopeful that it will stay this way for a long time.
I'm sorry that happened to your friend.
I appreciate you taking the time to actually read my comment, and taking the time to write a new long one. immensely, I do. I thank God for my friends, and especially my family who were mostly able to take me through everything in my time of need. I told my parents about a massive traumatic event that happened to me on April 1st (I know, I know, it wasn't an april fools joke though, and thankfully no one thought it was.) And the next few days after I told them, I was positively at my worst, and I recovered better than ever, thank God. I was so worried that telling my parents would turn out to be terrible, but, it turned out to be exactly what I needed to do to be able to get better!
And now that I think about it, I actually think it's been nearly two months since I've had a suicidal thought at all!
I think I wrote this comment within those few days after I told my parents, where it was very, very hopeless. I actually makes me happy looking back at this comment and knowing I got so much better within a few weeks.
I hope you’re doing well, friend! ❤
@@senpaiyourmum5867 @thenitpickchannel993, Thank you both for your kind words! Life has been amazing, and I recently celebrated 2 months free of suicidal thoughts and self harm (2 and a half months now!!) I'm 15 now and I'm just generally a lot happier! I talked to my parents about something, which I desperately needed to do! and I'm doing so well now.
Hello! As a child, I can’t speak for a parent losing their child. But, this whole series you made is so beautiful and touching and it makes my heart hurt like a parent who lost their child. Thank you for discussing such an important thing. :)
Well done, I know many will benefit from your efforts. It is a beautiful and moving piece and I encourage you to do more, even though it must be difficult. ✌️❤️💪my son
thank you for your story. i’ve had suicidal thoughts since i was ten and those thoughts still pop up occasionally even though it’s been seven years since they first appeared. i was never aware of the impact my death could have on other people, and since i live in a abusive family, i didn’t think they would care if i offed myself. i’m still not sure if they would, but now i work harder to stay on this planet with my friends. i want to travel the world eventually since i’ve been stuck in the same boring city for almost two decades. i don’t want to ramble about myself, and i’m so sorry for your loss. be easy on yourself
Stay safe
I just lost my grandpa, I find your videos a massive help. Thank you
I lost my older brother a couple of days ago.He was a soldier and protected my country which I am extremely grateful for, but still I feel terrible anger and frustration that he passed away doing what he didn't want but still did because "who else will if not me?" as he said.I can't even cry anymore because of how much I cried in the last days and I just wonder how long it will take for things to get at least a bit bearable.Thank you for your videos,I think your channel is very comforting in some ways.
I’m sorry for your loss, As a person who has seen a never ending war I understand you. Till today my country is destroyed ruled by militias, i live the rest of my life without a land and nowhere to belong. But to lose somebody it’s such pain that i can never bear. If you need somebody to share your thoughts im always here
This hits a soft spot because three years ago I was on the verge of ending my life. I was only 17 at the time and going through the roughest spot in my life. I felt so incredibly alone, I had no friends at school and I simply saw no purpose on living. I managed to build myself back from whatever broken pieces I had left in me, asked my parents to go to a new school and everything changed for the better. In fact, it's even hard for me to believe how much things improved, it's like all this pain happened to a different person.
My parents knew I was depressed, but I never told them I was suicidal. If I did what my mind told me to do, I would have destroyed their hearts. God bless I didn't. In that dark moment, I thought that ending my life would be a relief for everyone, even my family.
And I'm so incredibly sorry your daughter did what she did. I command your bravery and I hope things improve for you
I want to give this man a hug
Your video is very well done Matt. Deepest sympathy to you and your whole family. I pray you have healing and comfort. God bless you all!
Mental health is not talked about enough. There's some level of stigma attached to some forms and a complete acceptance as a societal norm for other forms. Thank you for sharing your healing process with the world. May it help many of us cope with the mental challenges we are facing and may it provide a clear path and purpose for your grief to travel along, Matt.
Matt this is beautiful ❤️ When I heard of Allison’s passing my heart broke for you, your dad and your grandparents, my aunt and uncle. I’m thinking of you and sending you peace and healing thoughts from Arizona ❤️
Hi, Im Nah, a psychologist in Brazil, working with public mental health care. I got so emotional and touched with it and remembered Tuco, my childhood dog who passes away april last year. I Internalised the feeling and knowledge that to grief is to love. Thanks for sharing your first step, im glad to know im not the only one 💜
I found you from your comment on the “On Suicide video”.
The grief I feel is from my own self
Growing up, I never felt the same as others, nevertheless everyone else smiled, and so did I
No one truly ever knew, my father never showed weakness, and he was my role model, so I had never shown weakness either. But, there was weakness, oh so much weakness.
I found myself slipping into a mask whilst at school, and nowadays whilst at work. My coworkers think I’m the happiest person… and there’s the problem, I’m simply not.
I’ve always lived with depression, since a very young age, I am my own loved one in this sense, and it feels like parts of me have been lost.
I want to tell whoever’s reading this a message
I’m not saying this because “I have it worse” or “things will get better”
I’m saying this because you don’t get over losing those parts of yourself or others. You never really get over all the depression or pain that loss has.
But, you learn to live with it
Take it from me, a 24 year old who recently started feeling happier in the world
As I’d said I’ve had depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxieties all my life, but over time, you learn to live with them. It won’t happen instantly
And sometimes, it will seem like it won’t ever go away.
But believe me when I say, that even if we are just some people locked to an existence on a ball of rock in space, We have meaning. We have purpose. If you have lost someone close to you, be it by suicide, or by other means.
Don’t give up, don’t decide to end it there. Learn to live with what is no more. Yes, it’s hard to greave, and I’m not the best person to be saying this,
But you should live onwards, eventually, you’ll be able to cope with whatever’s bothering you, and maybe, just maybe
Get a little happier after doing so.
(Suicide prevention hotline is 988
I’ll respond to any replies to this comment)
So sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I have been praying for you and your family. This video is done with such care and kindness, it truly touches my soul. Thank for sharing. Look forward to the next one.
It's such an important thing to talk about mental health, loss, suicide and grief. Thank you for bravely making this video and sharing your experience. I look forward to your next video.
You’re right about the waves of emotions that flood one’s mind, when things hit you to the core and you feel stuck in that moment like that feeling won’t go away…it eventually passes but you know it will return, whether you feel it coming or not it never gets easier with the intensity. I made a promise to myself for the sake of others to be a better person than I was yesterday…one small step one small change at a time but first and foremost love yourself
❤️
This is one of the most beautiful videos I have watched. I’m so sorry for your loss, I just want you to know how me, and everyone else is here for you. So don’t let loose of hope or give up.
I’m subscribing. Your message is beautiful and your mission is inspiring. I’m sorry for your loss, but when you’re walking, didn’t it feel like someone was strolling next to you, breathing gently, making very few noises but you can still feel their presence. Sometimes I go on these walks and I feel someone beside me. I always smile because I feel my grandfather beaming at me beside me, strolling lazily and watching the sunset. It feels like he’s still here. I’m sorry.
Thank you for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment. ❤
“The culmination of love is grief, and yet we love despite the inevitable. We open our hearts to it. ... To grieve deeply is to have loved fully. Open your heart to the world as you opened it to me, and you will find every reason to keep living in it." -Laufey (God of War)
I lost my best friend November 12, 2022 to suicide. For almost a year I didn't know how to handle the emotions that came with Loosing him. He did so much for me and I wondered why I couldn't help him. My father and I got into more fights as the "depression" stage of grief drew out for longer. He didn't know how to help me, and I didn't know how to articulate how felt other than tears. This past October, I finally saw a therapist to help me through the grieving process and to properly explain how I felt. Part of me still feels a little incomplete without my friend, but im getting batter at acknowledging it exists instead of sweeping it under a rug, to pretend everything is fine. Hopefully this channel and community you're building with help other find a small amount of peace.
I love you so much bro. And I know that Allyson is watching over her daddy and is just as proud of you as we all are
Thank you for making this. I found it via the video of the poet-like video of the girl who was suicidal. The Day After I Killed Myself. I've been suicidal on and off though my life following a very traumatic and neglectful childhood. CPTSD. However, today is the one year anniversary of losing my friend Chris who died. I was in love with him but things just never aligned for us as we were both in the same therapy community and had our trauma issues. I was looking forward to the next time I got to see him as perhaps our connection from last time might improve into an actual relationship beyond our long time friendship of 20 years. He was diagnosed with cancer in January 2023 and died February 8 2023. I have regrets of not calling him, only texting. Once. I was in my own personal crisis of a sobriety relapse and unaware...
That said....I'm doing better and sober now, but miss Chris bc he was the one friend I knew who understood the depths of my pain, as I did his.
When I was 13, I was a highly competitive gymnast, suffering from anorexia and my parents were completely oblivious...it started at 11. I was terrified of the coaches and my mother is high functioning autism,so couldn't read the signs of my terror and distress of being left at the gym while the coaches mentally, physically and verbally abused me. My father was also a rage a holic abuser at home. I don't know your daughter, but understand pain so young and how intense it is when there's no outlet or fear overrides the mind. I don't know where her pain came from...I'm just sorry it happened.
Thank you for taking the time to watch and share so much of your story. Don't be afraid to check in from time to time. ❤
I have struggled often with depression and suicidal ideations. My boyfriend has attempted four times before I met him. He is on a path to get better but it's a struggle. Quite often I wake up in the middle of fear that he will be gone. He doesn't understand why I pay so close attention to him that I can notice the slightest of mood changes and he doesn't understand why it makes me so upset when he doesn't explain what's happening. The pit of fear that I might loose him is sometimes too much to bear. As I struggle with my mental health, I know that looking him would destroy me more then anything because I see just how much potential he has to do some amazing things. I hate watching stuff like this because it brings those fears for him and myself back up into my mind. But it also helps give me a reason to release some of that mind numbing tension. Grief of something that might happen is a funky thing.
Anxiety is a huge (and valid) part of it. I'm not a professional and won't give you any advice other than to just try to talk openly about things.
Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. I hope you both are able to grow into a healthier part of life together. ❤
Hi, I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. I could never begin to understand what you are going through. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story these videos bring tears to my eyes.
I lost my mom nearly 3 years ago and she was abusive but I’ve had so much mixed feelings towards her since her passing and I think today I’ve truly forgiven her and hearing your story and how you describe losing your child. I can only wonder how my mom felt because she also lost the child and I would just like to say listening to your videos have helped me out with a lot of my grieving and as a kid in high school about to turn 18 this year I am deeply thankful for you explaining your story because there’s not that much people out there to help kids in my situation so in the end, all I wanted to say was thank you very much for helping me learn how to grieve
Like most people, came here from your Omori video; grief evolves, changes, and shapes us. I lost my sister-in-law in 2022 at the age of 36 to suicide, leaving behind my brother and their twin children. She's been apart of my family for as long as I could remember growing up, and while it hasn't been easy to navigate my grief, its definitely changed my life. "What is grief if not love persevering?" - Vision, from Wandavision
I came here from the Omori video, I very much subscribed. I’ve dealt with a lot of guilt and abandonment in life, I had not lost anyone to suicide. The guilt, and the abandonment was caused by people who had abused me growing up, people my mom had brought in. I have not been abused in years, yet the affects stick with me, the lies, the guilt of my old best friend getting hurt because of me, and the fear. I found myself having good days, then there’s bad days where I can barely feel anything. I’m 15, almost 16, and I know I hadn’t had a lot of life experiences yet to truly be able to understand, but I do relate to those words. Your channel is a comfort, and I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing this, your willingness to be vulnerable.
On May 31, 2022 i lost my older cousin Chris to suicide. As i am only a teenager, a loss like this completely changed the way i view everything. I used to take a lot for granted. I can never go back to easter egg hunting with him, or looking at his beautiful woodworking projects. But, his death has changed me. In the last two years, i have gone through moments of greif, and anger, but also moments of peace. The waves of greif never stop, but as i have began to process his death more, the waves have began to get smaller. I used to feel so guilty for not being there enough for him, or not being able to fully understand him. After a year of therapy, im slowly beginning to let go of that guilt. My heart goes out to anyone in my situation. You are not alone. 💕
“our society as a whole is terrible inept at handling grief” stuck with me. i watched a ted talk in which a lady discussed how many humans have lost our tribes. humans are herd animals- we need a large group, a tribe, to support us, to care for us when we ourselves can not. just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to process bereavement. i hope you’re able to find your tribe.
Something intensely... horrifying to me is the way you describe grief is similar to how I describe depression to others. Except you never escape that first stage. The waves don't become less frequent or turbulent. It simply is life. And eventually, it numbs you to everything else. I've experienced loss, but it was always the elderly and acquaintances. It wasn't a child or best friend. So, while I've seen grief, it's never been this intense.
My parents easily could have experienced what you did. They didn't because of pure chance. My mom says that I feel the ways I do because I am gifted. I'm smart. I can create and imagine. I see things no one else does. And those visions haunt me. The knowledge paralyzes me. I become lost in dreams and creations. I remember everything said and done. And I feel like I am an alien because I belong nowhere and with no one. I can only put one corner of myself forward for any given person.
I don't know why I want to share any of that. I hate admitting I'm smart. I hate admitting that even with meds, I feel wistful pangs pulling toward creation and understanding, yet leave me hollow. Maybe I hope it'll help someone, somewhere, feel a little more understood. Or maybe it'll help someone understand that eccentric, depressed, loved one.
Like a lot of people struggle with Suicide and Suicidal Thoughts. Suicide is a constant in my life as friends and family have unfortunately died via suicide. Even I find myself thinking and desperately wanting to as well. I'm just thinking of how compulsively until breaking down. This has been more consistent since my mom last year died via Suicide. I, at first, was okay with the death as our last conversation of note was addressing our issues and understanding where we are coming from. My mom was abusive, downright vindictive, and complicated. She had Bipolar Disorder with other issues from childhood trauma. I won't detail the awful things that my mom did, but to say the least, we had a massive rift in our relationship. I would characterize myself as cold and distant with her while she still cared about me.
When she died via suicide, I had a whiplash of emotion as, through the years, there were massive improvements. She reduced her smoking, started losing weight, and the fights with dad stopped being physical. It came out of nowhere. I remember looking at her in the coffin in sheer disbelief. My girlfriend supported me through the process. I went back to work after the weekend. I received a scholarship from my school for the hardship. But I fell off. On-and-off going to class, forgetting, and socially withdrawing. I was sinking into depths and felt like I was drowning in my emotions. I tried SSRI's because I do have major depressive disorder but was inclined to now take medication due to my mother's suicide was during a Bipolar episode (she refused medication). At first, I had the energy to get out of bed and go to class. But then my memory started becoming terrible. Time was slipping away. My body lethergic. I would call off work or show up late, at first my boss was understanding but he sent me an email saying continuation would lead to termination. I just wanted to die. The conversations with 988 kept me going as I sorted my thoughts.
That scholarship went to waste when I ultimately needed a semester off. I never was angry with my mother for her decision, in fact, I have a deeprooted sympathy as I understand how it feels to have those compulsions. I was later diagnosed with PTSD. I do not remember her voice at this point beyond the nightmares I have. But even then, it doesn't sound real like a distortion. I was angry at myself for hating her, I was angry at myself for being distant while she was alive, I was angry at myself for my girlfriend never meeting my mother. Even with suppressed emotions, it was all too much.
I eventually went to therapy and was told to write two letters to my mother. One that addressed all of my grievances, emotions, and how I felt about her death. While the other letter was to understand her and forgive her. Before, I alienated her for the violence and aggressiveness she had. But I did not try to understand why and how little control she had of it without medication. It probably felt lonely, trying your best with all that you could for your children. For both of them becoming distant and hating you. I spoke at an event called the "Stop the Stigma" and shared my mom's story. But what I shared did not feel like her. The music I made showcased her at the worst of our relationship. But that was not her. My mother was complicated and how I feel about her is also complicated. But I love her despite everything.
During this video, I cried several times as some of the descriptions that the creator made felt very close to my experience. All of this pain and suffering has been within a span of a year. I recognize I am healing and plan to get back on track. Continuing therapy, college, and hopefully having a family of my own.
(I posted this comment here after the Omori video).
i miss my aunt everyday and my grandfather that passed away year ago. its hard it really is. i know that they feel better now knowing that they dont feel pain anymore because thats what i would wish for them. I wish i could see then once more.
I ended up here by seeing the omori video thumb and decided to start here cause I wanted to learn more about what you were going through. I haven’t thought about my own losses much but I do think of my grandfather who passed this past June fairly often. Seeing him in people all the time, remembering his voice and stories and remembering there won’t be anymore. I wonder if I will forget or not think of his passing as much in the future. I also find myself thinking I don’t want to forget or not think of him. It’s a bit bittersweet but I’m working with where I am. I also think of my cousin who I didn’t know very well who passed before he did. I left early from work to make the two hour drive to see her when her doctors told us she wasn’t going to make it through the day. I missed saying goodbye to her by about fifteen minutes. I did get to visit my uncle who was still in her room with her body and comfort him and say goodbye there. It still haunts me, but I’m glad I didn’t let fear hold me back from saying a goodbye and being there for others
This time 2022 I had 4 grandparents. I now have one. It is my birthday today and just one year ago I had my grandma on the phone, she sent me one of her silly cards that always made me laugh. She loved me. Those were here last words to me - I told her I loved her and she whispered "I love you too." I don't remember if she mustered the energy to say any other words after that one. That night is a haze.
I have suffered from depression for as long as I remember. My suicidal ideation has always come in waves, but never bad enough to deserve help. I survived through the deaths of my paternal grandma and maternal gramps. The grief was cloying but I pulled through. I fully believe my grandma was the reason I was able to manage my gramps death - to be able to sit of the sofa chatting to her, gramps armchair by her side. My other grandma had dementia and my grief at her death was not as strong - it felt almost like a full stop and the end of a trailing sentence. I had grieved for a decade, and I was able to let go.
But my maternal grandma. I can no longer cope. I feel like nothing and everything all at once. 8 months on and I still randomly burst into tears. I'm still not suicidal enough to be helped. I'm beginning to think you never can be here. That they will always reject any request for help.
I don't actually want to die. I just want to be something else, anything else. I want to lie in a field, never rising for food or water, just letting the plants grow over my body as I stare at a clear blue sky. I want peace.
I’m here because I got recommended your Omori playthrough, and thought the title was interesting, so I checked out the rest of the channel.
I’m now staying, because the way I process grief is odd to me. My grief is on a fault line and the waves rage on for a month, and the tectonic plates are set to fracture at any moment. When I think of the person again, the fault slips causing an earthquake. Then a tsunami destroys and amount of healing I did do, and it repeats. It only *really* starts getting better for me after about 5 or so years. The fault still slips, but no tsunami comes after that point.
I just thought that learning how you deal with things might help me figure out how to better help myself. Watching will be hard, but I know it’ll be okay
about 5 years ago, i was incredibly close to ending my own life. it was 7th grade, and i was about the same age as your daughter. right before i started to use the knife, my mind flashed to my mother and brother. i began to think about how they would feel if they woke up in the morning to find me dead. i realized that if i went through with it, i would just be passing all my pain onto them, and everyone else who cared for me. i put the knife down, and put it back in the cabinet, and i went back to bed, having not done it. i still haven’t told my family just how close i was to killing myself that day, and i don’t know if i ever will. now, after having graduated highschool and getting accepted to my dream college, i thank myself for not going through with it. i hate to think about the pain my family and friends would feel.
I was 15 when my dad decided to leave us permanently and since I was 3 my mother had moved us away and cut all ties with him for justified reasons I guess but growing up every minute I spent with him was indescribably beautiful, happy and just better than anything or anyone else he was my hero and my plan for life was to graduate high school so I would be able to live with him in Toronto since he was and still is my favourite person anyway he died while I was in the 1st semester of the 10th grade and at the time I guess I was in shock because my sister my mother who hated him and literally everyone who knew me was crying or trying to give there condolences but for me up until that point in life I lived with rose coloured glasses seeing and living with complete blissful ignorance I guess but the day he died I instantly felt numb and alone and I dropped down to applied classes instead of academic so I woundnt have to go to classes only to ace easy tests and exams but other than that I wasnt there or I would sleep through entire classes and after HS it just got worse even tho I was around more F&F than ever before and I didn’t realize what was happening to me until it was too late or at least something in my brain was deteriorating and determined to run away from my feelings and anyone or anything that would make me cry which I never really did not even at his funeral I thought I was happy but now I realize I was just shock and denial , as the days turned to months turned to years I’d go deeper and deeper into despair I think since before his death I knew that life was evil I definitely witnessed it more than I’d like to have seen but after his death the more I learned about humanity and society in general the worse I got until everyday I would wake up crying because I didn’t want to live in a world I used to love but now hate(d) more than anything. The more I grew up the more I learned the worse I felt about being alive I was/am extremely ashamed to be human since realizing how vile and evil creatures we can be I know I’m not evil but I’m also not and never have been “good” I just am coasting and when I would get fed up with life to the point where drinking or drugs weren’t enjoyable anymore I realized that literally nothing that I used to love stayed with me except for clothing , music & art in general oddly enough anyway I strongly attempted suicide at least 3 times truly believing I’d die when successful, all three times I had this wave of peace& euphoria knowing I’d finally be out of this 24/7 war in my mind but all three times failed me somehow I can only explain by bad luck for example one of my favourite rappers overdosed at the time and I read his toxicology reports online and took more than the lethal dose that killed him and I just woke up 34 hours later and instantly started crying yelling and punching my pillows and walls as hard as I could because I was so angry I’d survived and other times I’d just purposely put myself in danger like balancing on the edge of a roof or tall bridge or driving like I wanted to die because I did. It’s been a decade now and i am not even close to the boy I used to be in fact some would say I’m the exact opposite of the life loving Matt my F&F came to know before he died and after that my F&F all over time cut ties with me understandably Because I am extremely depressing to talk to or even be around but after I told my dr and a terrible battle with different SSRI’s I was prescribed what junky’s call “the holy trinity” and yea for the most part it’s worked I’ve never had a panic attack or suicide attempt since but there’s been times where I run out for different reasons and that’s when it gets the darkest for me all I want is to end the pain either with my pills or one night I was so desperate and alone before calling the suicide hotline I googled the best way to do it with a knife since at the time I was paralyzed by the pain and couldn’t reach anything but my phone and my sharpest knife but after 20-30 minutes of holding the knife on my artery cops came in and got me my medicine and just like that I was fine but they still took my to a hospital where I held for 20 hours and evaluated they realized I wasn’t a harm to myself on my meds and now here I am again waiting to die and if my mom dies soon then I’ll probably go with her as I’m only surviving this never ending war in my brain by not wanting her to feel your pain. I live to kill my pain so I couldn’t give anyone else more pain I only want to spread truth and love but it’s become clear to me now I have very little to live for and even less to enjoy and since I’m now agnostic idc about an afterlife even if there is one I think death is a beautiful part of life especially for someone in this much pain and it is when you deal with it properly so to anyone who got this far learn from my mistakes don’t do it today because you can always do it tomorrow and if you’re reading this that means you chose to live today and I am so fuxking proud of you ! You and I know more than most how painful that decision is but please for my sake if you’re like me and have been battling this demon for a decade or more keep fighting and try everything this world has to offer you and only then once you have really truly tried to help yourself in all the possible ways and solutions there are (there are at least a million things that can do and they will help you) after trying a lifetime of hard work to better your mental health you’ll realize everything you cant even imagine right now you’ll have multiple epiphanies and revelations and after all that if you’re still in constant agonizing suffering like i am without my pills then please call me or message me here so we can hold hands and enter or climb out of the abyss together 🫶🏻 Our Great Depression is in our own heads and we are all heartbroken soldiers fighting a terrible war everyday so please keep fighting life is short regardless of what you chose to do with yours so don’t rush death because is guaranteed for all of us soon. Every war has casualties and you are so much more than a statistic you are beautiful just the way you are and even though you feel it you are NEVER alone ☮️❤
This hit me hard, I am so so sorry Matt
I lost my 9 year-old son to suicide. It will be 3 years ago in February. How has this impacted your work life? I feel like I am broken and work to me now is torment. All I want to do is be at home, out in nature or hanging out with my other children. Anything else seems overwhelming. Does this channel on TH-cam help you?
Life never stops, never slows, not for anyone. What an odd existence
Hello, I have grief since I was only 11 years old, when I was almost 11 years old, my best friend (13 yrs) died (caused by suicide) he was really strong, I miss hearing his voice and his words, we has so much in comun, but now he's gone. I still missing him, so much , I hope he is fine right now...
REST IN PIECE KIRA 🕊️🖤
Living with a schizophrenic brother and indifferent parents who are so worn out and tired to take care of us, added to life being insufferable and often times the sight angry debt collectors are screaming at mom and my drunk dad passed out make me so numb and tired.. I look at my elder brother who has practically lost his mind and has been diagnosed with schizophrenia 3 years ago, I look at this mess of a family and wonder if death will give me the calmness I always longed for
Hey Matt I hope you do well and I will always remember to love myself
I lost my uncle to a violent crime a while ago. What made it so difficult was all the questions. we didn't know anything. we talked to the investigators, but investigations are slow so it took a long time before the trial. I remember, while I was grieving, I looked up to find any information on the case and I was greeted with disconnected news, painting my uncle as potentially in a gang, or just another drug addict who died, it felt almost like his murder was being justified. The grief disrupted my life, I missed school, I felt friends grow more distant, I was loosing myself to depression. At the trial I felt so many feelings. I was so angry about the whole fucking thing.
I think I've been clear of the thickest part of grief for a while. The trial ended and I felt my feelings. My uncle and I weren't the closest, but it still hit very hard, so I can't imagine how loosing your daughter must feel like. One of the hardest part was forgiving the man who killed my uncle. It was classified as manslaughter and it was an crime of passion, he didn't intend to kill him, I understand this. I just hope he is able to heal and get his life together and become a better person.
I know you can get through this, it will be the hardest thing imaginable but as you said, grief is like waves, and as times go the waves become more and more gentle.
I grieve something I do not know of. It's like I lost a part of myself, I'm really not sure what happened to it.
Grief takes many forms, all of which are valid.
♥
I'm not here to talk about my pain, but I'm here to try to understand a friend of mine who went through (or is still going through) this pain, and who knows, maybe there's some way I can help her. For now she seems fine, but I'm afraid she's going through something I don't know about.
I'm proud of you for seeking exposure to this difficult subject in order to help a friend. The world needs more people like you.
@@seaotter7927 my friend is fine now, she had alot of therapy session and she have alot of friends and even fell in love with another girl, im happy to see her fine now.
I came here because I’m someone that has attempted many times in the past and continue to struggle and fight the battle.. it’s a constant battle…recently was told a family member committed S.. I’m sad about this but it doesn’t end the battle.. the self hatred..
It gets better, you are loved
I know I am a complete stranger and I know almost nothing about you. But I want to hug you so bad right now.
im on the other side of this, Im on the side that wants so badly to destroy myself. I was heavily abused for the majority of my life, beaten till my fingers dislocated, told that all their problems were caused by me, had life long chronic pain ignores, mental illnesses laughed att and called a liar, and as an adult violated by a husband who only liked having a body to utilize. Iv never seen myself as a person. Even with being told that it isn't my fault, i will always blame myself. I will always see me as the problem. No medication of therapist can fix that. I was made only to be broken by a group of monsters that saw me as a play thing. I truly don't know what your daughters mind was at, that she felt that this was the only way out of the pain, but I am sorry. My uncle killed himself the year i got married. I was so selfishly upset bec i wanted him to walk me down the aisle and not my shitty sperm donor... I think about him a lot. I think about how much pain and suffering he must've been in. I always wish i would have done something, but being on that side, what could you do? I realistically dont think ill ever recover, no matter how hard i try, i fail... So i do understand both sides... its devastating on both ends, its so painful with every attempt i ever made... its not getting better and sometimes it dosnt. and i am only alive to make other people happy. thats it.
I really hope things get better for you. ❤
How old are you yourself? You look so young. Sorry you're going through this.
This video made me cry. I have been suffering from suicidal thoughts for about 4 years, and a few days ago I tried to hang myself. ( And I almost did it )
and, you know, my mom didn't care about it. I wish I had good relationships with my family..
We don't have something very special to say, but...take care, Matt.
Why does god give us pain, and we get blame for self harm?
Hello why can't I comment
you remind me of the video "the morning after i killed myself"
Why did she do it
There will never be a time were you deserve that answer.
Why did your daughter commit suicide? Sorry if this is an invasive question but I’m just curious.
Depression? That’s the most likely cause