To rephrase another comment I found accurate and also hopefully explains to women why men can feel alienated or rejected by them: When a transman tells women how cis men feel women listen, but when a cis man says the exact same thing, women don't listen. Men are like WTF?
Just a guess but boys and men are usually not encouraged or even tought to express and communicate their feelings, while girls and women are. So a trans man is the perfect person to communicate! And I think it also goes the other way. I as a cis woman have learned so much from trans women about what it means or doesn't mean to be a woman. Or from trans men what it feels like to be a man in this world. Same goes for every and any minority. I am white (passing), cis, able bodied, so I have no clue what it is like to not be any of the above if I do not listen to people who are BIPoC, disabled, trans... TLDR: Diversity is the goat, be kind to everyone, educate yourselves about other lived experiences and do not listen to fearmongering bigots.
The problem is that both cis men and cis women can ONLY give their side of the divide, and both can assume the other side is uninformed, unreliable, or arguing in bad faith.
Not that it's an excuse to use women as emotional crutches, but I do think this contributes to why some men are desperate to be in a relationship. Not only is there an association with status but it's one of the only relationships that men are socially allowed to be vulnerable and soft in. Being treated like a threat or like it's weird to have emotions and needs can be tiring and it feels so good to connect with someone on an emotional level.
As a man in his 40's I still have trouble accepting this as real. Like I go into a store, or wherever, and I try to be friendly with everyone, as though we are some kind of community or something. It feels like the right thing to do, but it often consists of a pain, that I'm used to, of people often not knowing how to react to me, or being scared of me. It's like I let myself have amnesia with this, forgetting about it and just continue trying to live in a way that seems normal to me, but not to the world.
The way I get around this is to play online games and be frienly there. Most other gamers are more open and don't judge based on appearance because there is none. When you get deep in a friendship, organize a meet together as a large group so they don't feel unsafe and boom, you just by-passed the hardest part of connection: The first impression
Everyone's receptive to this in Bangkok and Malaysia. For a few days I thought everyone had the hots for me but literally i was just experiencing being part of society for the first time. It's awesome and life changing
It isn't real, she is talking bollocks and spouting marxist 'clean slate' ideology. She thinks men are inherently identical to women mentally and any differences we see between men and women must be 'white imperialism' its child like ill educated nonsense. Men are inherently different to women, it's called sexual dimorphism and is a result of evolutionary psychology it is extensively peer reviewed science. We don't form social bonds with each other like women do because we compete with each other in a status hierarchy collecting resources, women do bond for child rearing and safety. The reason a 'trans man' is shocked by that is because they are a woman not a man.
@@CheesusCrusts Been playing online games since they were invented, and I can say with 100% certainty that everything you just is completely false about gamers. Gamers are the most toxic and horrid people humanity has to offer. In the early days, gamers consisted of people who were ostracized by the rest of society for not fitting in. Now that being a "gamer" is popular, it has attracted the scum of society in droves. I'd meet less degenerates and reprobates at a Klan meeting than I would dealing with gamers. They absolutely DO judge on appearance; the difference is that they assign you one that suits their narrative and then proceed to mock you for that.
Most men have very few options romantically to begin with, as well as not picking up on social cues as well as women. Therefore, when a member of the opposite sex is nice to you, you think "finally!" -someone sees the good in me and is attracted to me! Then, if you find out they are just being friendly, it reinforces the feelings of isolation and low self-esteem and makes you want to retreat even further.
When I was 14 I ended up in a toxic relationship and I fell for this girl all because when she was invited over to Thanksgiving, she got out of her seat where she was placed at our table, crawled under it and sat next to me. That one act had me hooked
@@bazdoeshisthing the vast majority of humans on the planet aren't capable of understanding situations they've never experienced without being told about them, and in our ridiculous both gender divided and us vs them reality, you only listen to those on your side. Men have been pretty much talking about stuff like this for ages, but they're called "MRAs" or MGTOW misogynists for "speaking over women" which... actually many of the other things some of these people say aren't very appealing and there's definitely a reason they are consistently shut down, though not all members if any group are the ones that cause a group to have a bad name. Anyway. A trans man (no offense to anyone, but a natal female, which whether you'd like to call it an inherently transphobic society, or a side effect of reality (I'm not gonna pick a side, just mentioning they exist) it DOES matter in this context) decided to say this too, and thus it gave it credibility to many who'd normally claim its "insignificant rambling of the other side" to anyone reading this, you aren't un-empathetic, you just need to choose to listen to others. This world is far bigger than any of us are ever gonna know or understand.
I don’t know about other guys, but showing too much emotion or being soft even with my significant other has always gone south. I constantly have to remind myself to keep it down or people will stop respecting me, find me unattractive or think I’m weak. This message is already being to vulnerable in my experience. Honestly don’t know if there’s a solution for it, but I know I can trust animals so that’s what I do. Get a pet is my quick bandage for now lol.
@@hehashivemind6111 That toxic masculinity theory is also why these mental health and solitude problems have worsened, not improved. When that behavior is encouraged by females, shouldn't it be about toxic femininity? It's about females needs, that make them reject that vulnerability, but even then it's about something wrong in the masculine. That "female privilege" it's also about them never having to be accountable as every problematic aspect of their behavior and nature is also directly blamed to men, and you end up pushing the perspective that everything related to men is the problem, increasing the apathy and disregard that society has for us. That theory is harmful by it's self.
I aint even tryna be corny i just stood up and stared at the window for a bit lmfaoo. That part is true. I feel a lot of people feel the same way I do. I just feel disposable sometimes.
@@honkhonk8009 It is true, but not because of a lack of male companionship, as the author assumes....at least not for most men, if you hear them tell it.
@@mr_knowitall what would be the main reason? I thought men are used to not having deep emotional connections (long lasting ones at least) since childhood.
@@jomana1109 well, let me take my last statement back a bit. Men could be lacking male companionship if they lack friends or the friends they do have, they see too rarely. However, I don't know any men who've ever expressed that they feel a lack of companionship because the interactions with their male friends aren't intimate enough, as the author assumes. I would say the main reason men feel a quiet desperation is because their work lives are unfulfilling and their homes lives are unfulfilling.
When I (single avg white male) moved into a house in a neighborhood, no-one welcomed me. Oh well. Months later, next door a young couple moved in and I thought I would go over and welcome them since I thought no-one else will. When I went over, I was surprised. There was already another neighbor there welcoming them. The woman who had moved in said to me "This is so nice, everyone has been coming over to welcome us!". Hmmm.
That’s really sad, I could feel that personally. I really don’t understand that when you’re just some single guy nobody cares, but when you’re couple everyone is interested. It’s insane
True. Same phenomenon in Europe. I like walking around with a girlfriend because being in a couple society treats me better. My gf (very long distance) got super jealous because all the sudden so many girls would approach me, asking for advice like "where does this train go", "how do I get to XYZ", etc. Which is something that walking the city alone as a guy never happens.
Plus, doing things is usually more mentally healthy for men than sharing their feelings. It's the opposite for women. It still helps, but not to the same degree as improving ourselves. This is also why, often, therapy doesn't work as well for men, unless the therapist in question accepts that there's a difference between the sexes and implements such in their treatment - preferably with a focus on self improvement and accomplishing tasks for a male pacient.
@@DarkVeghetta Men are programmed to improve themselves because it was the only path to receiving comfort. Social media and feminism have contributed to the end of this path.
@@ct-gv6yl if you think it's that simple you're dumb. Women like successful men way more than men like successful women. Do you really think there would be an album by 50 cent called "get rich or die trying" if your average joe in a low income community had the same chance as a woman from the lower classes? There will be no real conversation until this stops being ignored.
As a dude, I've been roasted/ridiculed more by females for showing my emotions than I ever have with other guys. in fact, when I open up around other guys, they tend to commiserate vs where women tend to ask the age old: "aren't you a man? why can't you deal with this on your own?" No. Nobody can. That's the point.
Isn't sexism great? Err, I mean, it's punching up, so it must be fine? Totally not misandric and sexist at all, TOTALLY. (I'm being sarcastic, incase you weren't sure. Those types of people need to learn some god damn empathy and compassion)
Women say they want you to open up to them. If you trust them enough to do so, the first thing they do in an argument is throw it in your face. So why should I open up to you again? 🤔
I am not a very usual person due to my upbringing probably and most comments i get from women are either wow what kind of a man are you *impressed* and ewww what kind of a man are you *disgusted* like dude what the hell you know about being a man that is constantly in your words like ı think women need to shut up about that . Yes i do tell it to them face to face too obviously less aggresive than here .
I opened up once to a woman about how I truly felt about the loss of my father at a young age. Afterwards in a discussion about something I can't even remember she then got angry and called me a "fatherless bastard". That's what toxic women do, and that's why I'm very careful to whom I truly open up to, if at all. On another note, I did an interview for a part-time babysitter job and was asked if I was a pedo or not... As a man, am I just not allowed to like caring for children? I did this back when I was in daycare myself and took care of the little kids there as well, and ever since then I just liked doing that. I did get the part-time job however and even though I only worked for about 3 months, those kids still want to come visit me 9 years later, and they're now adults.
I was an assistant teacher for the kindergarten class at a religious school way back when and one of the girls in the class spilled some water on her shirt, so I took her to go get some paper towels from the bathroom. Later, I was sat before a literal tribunal and asked if I took her clothes off. I didn't, but I'll never forget how no one trusted me to not be a pedophile.
At this point, never open up to woman, no matter what woman you date she will always use your past against you, women are way too emotional, and they'll say things without even thinking.
Honestly hate that great disparity...cause they say "men are not attentive to their kids or kids in general and lack empathy" then when a man is it's " nuh uh what are your true intentions"? Bloody hell on a corn cob🤦♀️
If you get angry you are violet and dangerous, if you get lonely you are an incel, if you get sad you are pathetic, if you get too excited you are cringe. Just how it goes 🤷♂️
If a woman gets angry she's a drama queen, if she gets cries she's too hormonal and disregulated, if she gets lonely is only her choice. Open your eyes cos cliches apply to absolutely everybody.
When I first became sexually active with men, I heard more and more that men are being told that "they can't say no to sex, because they're a guy," and was immediately appalled. It created a bee in my bonnet, and I brought it up anytime I was around a guy, because every time I was told that, yep, that guy had been told it too. It pissed me off, and freaked me out on their behalf. Eventually I told a friend of mine who's a guy. After he'd heard me be vocally and visibly pissed off about this, and continuously acknowledge that women are capable of rape and men can be raped, he told me something worse. I listened as he told me how he'd been raped by a girl he went to school with. Long story short: Being vocal in your support, seems to encourage men to speak up. We all hope our women friends will tell us if it happens- so we're gonna want our men friends to tell us too, right? And it's dodgy how it can happen; I can definitely see guys thinking they wouldn't just not be listened to- but berated outright. I won't share my friend's actual story, but I did want to put this out there.
This made me think of another of Anna Akana's videos from years ago where she admitted to having this sort of guard up when she meets men for the first time, but that she drops the guard if she learns a man she is meeting has a girlfriend. I'm a cis man, and these two videos combined make me realize why my social life always improved when I had a girlfriend and why it fell apart when I was single again. Being attached as a man is a status that opens the door to certain kinds of friendships that are closed when you are single.
Honestly, most men behave way different when theyre in a relationship, vs if they arent. So its not a mere factual factor, but a behavioural one as well.
Being attached and open about it is a sign to most girls that: 1) you aren’t interacting with them just to get in their pants 2) you are worthy enough to be chosen by a girl therefore you are nice 3)you care enough about your girlfriend to not cheat on here therefore more points towards you being a good guy 4)you are capable of caring for another person. These factors make women feel safer when interacting with straight men because through their cuffed status we understand that all their actions are platonic (or assumedly at least)
@@michelleta1628 Your metrics are flawed. A guy saying he's in a relationship doesn't mean _any_ of these things. These only apply if you try to have sex with a man and he says "no" because he has a girlfriend. Otherwise: 1) Doesn't mean that. He could be a cheater. 2) Doesn't mean that, in fact women are more likely to choose a guy that isn't nice. 3) Again, just because he says he has a girlfriend doesn't mean he's not a cheater. 4) Some men like to possess women, doesn't mean they care about them. Also, while being distant and cold can reduce the attention of men that will assault women, it's even more effective against those that won't. Don't rely on your intuition - your traditional tests and red flags - because they're bad... recall your experiences instead. The worst offender of all is Preselection - all the other women that chose him doesn't mean he's a good choice, they could've chosen poorly as well. The men I know in real life that have been with the most women are _always_ the MOST ABUSIVE. The ones most women think are "creepy" are the most harmless. Be conscious of this incorrect bias when making a choice.
@@TheOJDrinker "... In fact women are more likely to choose a guy that isn't nice." I hear this so often and yet can never get a source for this other than "I'm a nice person and they don't pick me." I've never picked rude or "bad boy" men. Aside from 16 year olds, I personally don't know any women that do. I'm sure there are some women who are into abusive men, but it's not the majority like you're making it out to be. And, of course "abusive" and awful men sleep with the most women, because they can't keep the charade up that long. Having a higher body count doesn't necessarily equate success with relationships. On the contrary, it's probably indicating they are bad at them or simply don't want one. Also, advising women to ignore their red flags is a bad call and in poor taste. Sure "harmless" nerdy guess might come across as creepy and some real creeps slip through with standard "red flags" but you said ignore you intuition. What you should say is "listen to your gut above all else, because people don't fit a mold and you risk passing up good people while letting in the bad." or something like that. I think that's what you meant but it is not how it came across at all. I think your message had good intentions but it came across a bit incelly, tbh.
@@TheOJDrinker "IN FACT women are more likely to choose a guy that isn't nice" this isn't a fact bro, it's a statement founded only on anecdotes. And no way you just tried to gaslight women with that "ignore your red flags" bs. Like yeah, a little empathy goes a long way, but you're completely forgetting the reason that women are so defensive to begin with. Ignoring red flags could literally get them killed. There are ways for women to allow men to be open with them WITHOUT them needing to ignore their red flags smh
Daily reminder that the majority of men receive flowers for the first time at their funeral. Also, men do express their feelings to each other, but we usually don't do it in front of women because: a) They tell us to man up. b) They bring it up in an argument to make you feel bad, and when sensitive things are brought up, the person on the hot seat feels betrayed and hurt and would usually never open up again.
Thanks to Zan, where ever he is, for finding words that Anna and others can connect with. I am a cis-gendered man in my 50's. I have been feeling the isolation and disconnection my whole life. It really hurts. It is not what I want. It is not what I need. I am working to break out of it and living with being judged/written-off for being "Too soft" by many solialized male and still "Too Insensitive" by others as I make mistakes that come with learning something new. It is kind of nice to not see those themes in the comments so far
Maybe there is a men's group somewhere near you where you can find people who are on the same path? Also, I highly recommend the books "For the Love of Men" by Liz Plank and "Man Enough" by Justin Baldoni. There's also a Man Enough podcast that's really really good. Good luck for your journey, may you find the kind of belonging that your heart desires.
@B Thank you. There is definitely differences in generations and socio economic level. I am Gen X who grew up in a largely working class area. These days I move in circles with highly educated wealthy millenials. Few of the elites I know now have any clue how "Hard" lot of us had to present ourselves to avoid physical violence and ridicule. I am sincerely glad you have had a different experience.
I kinda wish there was some kind of social networking app that could connect men in the same area who want to connect with other men on an intimate, deep, yet platonic level without having to be divided by the barriers of gendered social convention/expectations.
the reason why SA and DV statistics on male victims are lower is a similar reason that statistics for rape on female victims is lower than reality. We're socially suppressed to the point that most men won't even realize that such a thing happened to them and even the few that do end up getting laughed out of the station when they gain the courage to do so. It makes the few that get their cases taken seriously a tiny fraction of the real statistic.
Actually women are incentivized the last 20 years to claim Sexual assault or domestic violence , it gives them clout as a victim do to the culture of victimhood olympics . That is why most women believe if a man dont hit her he dont love her , because they want the clout and to say to other women how much they were abused by a evil man this brings them attention and clout ,women love attention.
When you look at the way they report stories of female pedos it's appalling, if she's even a little attractive people will talk about how lucky the young boy was to be SA'd by "the hot teacher". Sickening.
Now imagine being a black or brown man from the hood and instead of being greeted with aloofness or coldness from strangers of all genders you're met with open hostility. And a third of the people you did manage to get close to end up dying at a young age from shootings or car accidents. Almost everyone you interact with, even other people who look like you, see you as a threat because the neighborhood where you live is genuinely dangerous and they've encountered too many strangers who actually did hurt them. All the while you feel like you're in constant danger because strangers have assaulted you just for dressing a certain way or walking down the street. My bf is from south central LA and the other day he told me he keeps everyone at arms length (except me) because he saw so many classmates die growing up and if he doesn't get emotionally invested it won't hurt when they're gone. These men experience the same threat of constant danger that women do and the same social isolation men do and on top of all that they also have the trauma of seeing their family/friends/coworkers/classmates die.
I also wondered myself if Zan was a POC. We are absolutely perceived as threatening, and the way most news covers us over the years certainly doesn't help. Has a lot of people feeling like they just encountered a wild animal and aren't sure if they are about to be killed. Should they run? Hide? Pretend like everything is fine? Strike first just in case? Very sad and a huge reason why we're simultaneously a minority but also somehow seem to make up a huge number of the people getting killed.
At 5:30 she states "Yes, women are the majority of victims of murders." Let me correct that: "According to the data given by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, worldwide, 78.7% of homicide victims are men, and in 193 of the 202 listed countries or regions, men were more likely to be killed than women." - Wikipedia with credible sources linked. So no, women aren't the majority of victims or murders.
"Men think their desperation is personal weakness as oppose to a symptom of white imperialism...anyway, thank you to my daddy Squarespace for sponsoring this misleading and boring Ted talk."
As a man, we know we're emotionally starved. We used to be kids with parents and friends that helped fulfill those emotional needs. It's just that, by adulthood, it all stops, and we just deal with it.
You give up after a while. I'm a big guy and I've learned to make sure I give women space, don't block doorways, don't loom. Careful careful careful. And it's not their fault. If only 1/1000 guys were dangerous to me I'd still have my guard up against the other 999 myself. But it creates a lonely world. Just need to do our part to reduce abuse against women and maybe they'll feel safe to open up more. Teenage girls were pretty keen to come and sleep over and be your best friend. Bit of a clue that that freedom stops dead by the time high school is over.
but do you actually "deal with it"? Im a trans Woman, and I lived Zen's story the other way around and to this Day I see my male Friends struggling, and it always stunned me how men have "just deal with it " attitude when this "dealing with" often means shuving it all deep down and pretend it was never there, even when a hand is given, they more often than not Will reject. It is the male fragility paradox, where malehood is extremely fragile,men are aware of this fragility and wish it to be different but Will never behave in a way to actually deal with and overcome because that would show fragility on their part and they dont want to appear fragile cuz they believe it is wrong to be so as men.
It's so weird how men's issues do not matter unless women or trans people are talking about it... Even then though it's not real empathy all it really is "why can't men handle stuff like women" type of energy so basically it's your fault for feeling unloved and depressed fellas.
As a girl I've noticed this too!! It's usually women talking about toxic masculinity, especially the way it affects men (the way they THINK it does) and I feel like it's doing more harm than good. I really hope more of us would realize it so we could do something about it. It's like putting words in someone else's mouth without even listening to them first
Don't ever expect empathy and understanding as a man from a feminist. Their entire ideology is built on "men are bad and everything bad is their fault". That's why no matter what the topic is it will always conclude with "men's fault" or blame "toxic masculinity".
@@ithil-maril9141 Men tend to be ridiculed or accused of being sexist when talking about their own issues. And I say this as a left wing person, anyone being objective will acknowledge this. It's very sad.
even worse than that -- if men gather to discuss men's issues, you frequently find a very aggressive woman demanding access to the space to ensure you only discuss "approved" topics with "expected" outcomes. it's sad 'cause we can never make actual progress with that kind of attitude. don't get me wrong, women are welcomed into those spaces, but only as spectators -- otherwise the men shut down and shut up.
the crazy part is how a transman tells everyone how cis men MUST FEEL instead of listening to cis men. almost like we tell you exactly how we feel but you don't listen
It’s very inaccurate. The only accurate thing they got is that everyone looks at you like a threat. The conclusions about not wanting to hug other men being due to homophobia and the not expressing emotions being due to white supremacy are complete garbage 😂 We are what we are they need to stop telling us being more like women is better and accept us the way we are as much as they want to be accepted for who they are
I dislike how we, as men, are told to be more in contact with our feelings, but when one does that publicly, there are people shouting "male tears", but what is worse, some of those people are the same ones who want men to be more emotional.
Yeah and see how many people would try to cheer crying stranger women and how many people would try to cheer stranger man. To be honest, women are just hypocrits, by telling all these things about showing feelings. EVERY MAN shows his emotions in public at least once and they regret it. Not becasue he did it, but becasue how society treat him for that. Specially women, who would probably never look at that man as a man and potential partner in future.
This kind of cuts to the heart of the issue, doesn't it? A big piece of this wave of feminism is deconstructing masculinity because women feel it inherently gets in their way, but I for one am not convinced of that, nor am I sure your average girl really believes that either. Women still value high performers and want to be in a relationship with a man who makes them feel safe, and one who seems to have a plan no matter how small a thing it is because he therefore makes life easier for her. There are exceptions, but that's the rule. We don't have to exclude or bully women to accomplish that. So then you have guys gravitating to the alt right because the left doesn't make room for them while the alt right talking heads gas them up about how we need to take America back to a simpler time in which men had value, which is a completely impossible task and an empty promise.
the person writing the comment is probably white themselves and does not have the knowledge or willingness to learn about other cultures, so they think everything revolves around white culture, it is a common trope I see when Americans talk about society, they genuinely don't know if non-English speaking countries act similar to them or not (yes, we do, all humans have the same flaws)
All my life I have been told that I am "too nice" and that because I am too nice, I must be up to something, that I must have a hidden agenda. Yeah, thinking you're cool and interesting and trying to make friends is my hidden agenda. It is the "curse" of being male. Thank you, Anna, you are wonderfully insightful and inspiring!
This was me before uni, I just stopped being super nice and began to prioritize my self first instead cause it was so hurtful hearing the must be up to something
Nobody ever tells a woman that they're "too nice" unless it's that they're being "too nice" to strange males to try and scare them that it's somehow harmful and risky.
That's not only related to your gender, it's true in general, people tend to distrust people who they find to be "too nice", call it an instinct. Depends on many things, genders yes, also where you grew up, your experiences, what family in and so on. So no need to take it personal
This reminds me of a lesbian author named Nora that lived as a man for 6 months. She came to the pretty much the same conclusions, was a lot more sympathetic to men, and wound up having to go to intense therapy afterward because of the damage this 6 month period caused.
@@chloewinfrey I just looked it up, her name is Nora Vincent and she wrote the book Self-Made Man. There she documents the whole experience and the trauma it caused her afterward.
@@RicochetForce Thanks for making the effort to find it for me. Very grateful 😊I also found out that she killed herself recently (assisted death)... So sad
What should be added, is that she was malicious in that she basically manipulated men into building relations, by lying about her identity, about how she's someone she never was, in order to write her book aka for her own profit/agenda. Pure misandry.
Got it in one, bro. Sexism, patriarchy? It's a double-edged sword, and no one walks away unscathed. It doesn't make sense to live like this, when we have the tools to dismantle the sword, and empathy and compassion are both possible.
Sadly sometimes people dont even have empathy for themselves. Like an alcoholic father who only options to relive stress is to beat their children and drinking, rejecting help or anything that would make them perceive differently from the tiny boundary they created in their own head. Trapped as they never been taught to take in new information all their lives.
@@rachelfox8108 how do you equate sexism with patriachy? sexism is a real thing that genders develop towards each other when empathy is missing. patriarchy is a political term to force a divide can and does that lead to said lack of empathy. there is no orchestrated plot among males to keep women down, there is just biological preferences towards certain tasks and an unfortuanet economical situation that makes "male" tasks financially more scalable and therefore more lucrative than "female" tasks, although both are equally as important.
@@matthiasdahms7 I have to disagree with you. Sexism and Patriarchy are real and come from the same place. It’s not a “plot” from men towards women, the same way the term is not made up to divide and confront us. It’s something built in society for thousands of years. What you say is “unfortunate”, it’s just a consequence of that. There is no gender war or confrontation. The lack of empathy makes us take it personally and feel attacked and act defensively because we don’t fully understand the other side. The truth is, we still need to learn a lot as society to fix the mistakes that are in our roots.
@@Oscar_AH what is the patriarchy exactly? males have a preference to concern themselves with things, women have a preference to concern themselves with people. caring about people is very important, but it is not something that can make you rich in a capitalistic environment because you can not make caring more timeefficient. things howevery, invention and production, are scaleable and sellable on global levels which is what creates wealth. the only place where i have to agree with you that there is an actual deliberate sexist structure keeping women down is in religious institutions. anyway, unless you find that these preferences have been deliberately conditioned on women by men, i don't see a reason to believe in the existance of a patriarchy. as a socialist and atheist i really see myself standing against sexist devisiveness but these neosocialliberal terms that keep demonising one gender are a political armsraces that is really backfiring.
How do women have worse and faker friendships at the same time as they have deeper and more emotionally fulfilling friendships? The narratives are clashing.
@@van4195 *faints out of laugh* I genially love responds like this. It's comically simple, and at the same time somehow extremely violent. honestly, I love your comment
I'm mostly very warm and welcoming to any guys I meet (sometimes more so than towards woman because they make me feel insecure). Unfortunately this often leads to the guy thinking I'm flirting or hitting on him. The theory that men are usually met with a more cold and distances attitude would definitely explain why a little bit of niceness so quickly leads to that kind of impression on their end.
It's also because a lot of men don't experience friendship the way we do. All of the nice things we do for our female friends we wanna do for our male friends to but if none of your friends treated you with that level of care and love it make sense to assume otherwise.
Truth be told in highschool when talking to one of my female friends we essentially came to to conclusion that I would fall for anyone willing to show me the bare minimum amount of affection. Women who said they wanted to date me immediately got a “yes” with full commitment even if I had barely given them the time of day before. I could’ve dated any one of my female friends if I didn’t actively set up a wall in my head separating people I want to keep as friends and romantic interests. I’m 24 and this year is the first time I’ve ever rejected people despite the affection they showed me. I imagine it’s a lot worse for men who don’t regularly get affection from the opposite sex.
In a life of cold shoulders, a little bit of warmth feels like a sign. Also doesn't help that our culture expects women to make hints and men to make the first move. Things would be so much better for everyone if anyone could just make the first move.
I've definitely seen this, just as a guy growing up where like 90% of my friends were girls. I grew up always connecting more and relating more to women than men, and going from being seen as a boy to being seen as a man has honestly been one of the hardest things mentally for me, because I feel like there's just this massive obstacle course between me, as a man, and any sort of platonic relationship with women that was never there when I was younger. It's felt incredibly isolating always being seen as a potential threat. Another thing that I've seen many guys go through, is when they take kids out to the park, or play games with their nieces and nephews in public, people will see it as potentially predatory because of being a man. It's just extremely alienating and exhausting.
I can understand when you're trying to talk to women they might see you as a potential threat. That to me makes sense because they don't always know what you'll do to them. But a kid with a man, I feel society should give more leeway to that. There are kids who do spend a lot of time with their father or uncles, and they're part of the family, so I don't get how people can look at a man with a kid and think "potential predator" when that kid could very well see him as a father figure.
@@GregXHunterz A kid with a man? Give more leeway? The kid might see the man as a father figure? I can't even. Most abuse happen like this. For a healthy good guy like you it might sound crazy but the reality is that you should be looking at your own family when protecting your kids, nobody should be close to them and everybody is suspicious. Man, woman, i don't care. If you truly care for a kid you should be thankful if they distrust you a little bit and decide later if they trust you or not. Keep your child safe from predators, because while you're not one, your best friend might have been one all this time and you never know. It's always someone who is trusted by people. It's exhausting to be always on the look out but the trauma is always worse. Trust me i know, you can never trust or see people the same way again. And it's almost always the family who abuses children.
@@Faboostic I see what you mean, but I think GregXHunters was assuming a situation when one sees an unknown man with an unknown child and feels a little (or not a little) apprehension because children are more often to be seen with both parents or mother only. Not exactly about how to structure the environment around your own kid. I might be wrong though
I too have noticed that even though the topic was being a man, both the author and this Anna girl found a way to make it about themselves and portray themselves as being the victim.
Men are crying out for help, and instead of their message being heard, women "figure out" what our problems are from THEIR perspectives and try to make it all about them. Meanwhile men continue to be blamed for everything and ground into the dirt by society. The irony is unbelievable.
No one’s required to be with y’all creepy lonely creepy men. Cry about it. Think about what minorities and the lgbt community to through. You have first world problems. There’s People ACTUALLY suffering in this world
@@barnaliadhikary9421no, it isn't. This is more on the line of how your narcissistic mind works. You know. Being incapable of seeing how kind people are to you and how much they actually try to help.
As a guy, I feel like I'm not allowed to express genuine anger or frustration because people will perceive me as violent, threatening, and retaliatory, even if I'm not doing anything remotely violent and have no intent to. I just have to bottle it up and release it somewhere else if I can. Also, expressing any emotion other than being happy, makes me be seen as inferior, weak, "negative," and a loser. Every time a woman tells me that it's ok for me to have emotions, it always turns out to be that I can only have them as they relate to HER emotions, and within acceptable parameters as defined by her, otherwise I've gotta pack it up because I need to "man up." It feels like other people, especially women, treat me like an object for their entertainment and validation and I can't have any validation of my own-genuine validation.
This is the reason I don't talk to women unless I genuinely love their friendship. Mainly because I am not interested in validating them by listening. I'm more than a pair of ears.
Yeah I felt this too in my own experience with my mother, where a person says that you can vent to them, and to always stand up for yourself, but then that same person you stand up against ends up being the one that tries to tell you how you SHOULD feel and that your wrong, which in that case was her saying a sexier remark that “men are dangerous” but when I got mad at that remark by pointing out how people only view men as dangerous, but women can also be dangerous yet people ignore when a woman does something such as assault, murder, or rape, she said that I shouldn’t be offended by facts because there are stats that say that men take up the majority of crime, and that I was invalidating women for that. Yeah these feelings of having to bottle up your emotion don’t necessarily come from nowhere, people just don’t really wanna hear a dude vent, or speak out, or display any emotion, especially anger or else it means that your violent.
As a mulatto, I get this thrown in my face any time I get frustrated or angry. People always draw conclusions based on my looks and think Im going have a raging tantrum and curbstomp people. I admit I have an imposing stature, but it comes with the territory of looking "dangerous". Dont ask me. I dont even know whatever the fk that means
The key to expressing anger etc is to learn to be assertive, in my opinion. Anger tells you some boundary has been crossed or a standard violated - basically something unacceptable has happened. You need to be clear on what boundary has been violated, what you need to happen, state your case firmly but calmly, and make sure there are consequences if things continue to be unacceptable. It's like channelled and controlled aggression. Obviously your standards/expectations need to be fair and reasonable, and you have to keep your emotions in check (you can't look angry and one breath away from murdering someone, for example). You can't be threatening. But if something is unacceptable then you need to calmly assert your boundaries and follow it up with consequences, which a lot of people have never been shown how to do. I think a lot of anger actually comes from frustration and perceived helplessness to do anything about the situation, mainly because people undermined our efforts to assert our boundaries when we were growing up. But being able to confidently assert your boundaries is very empowering and then you don't feel helpless, frustrated or angry, because you can just ask for what you need, basically, without trying to force or persuade someone to give it to you Anyway, try developing assertiveness and see how it works for you.
As a trans woman, I can absolutely confirm every last bit of his statement. Living as a man was cold, scary, and really lonely. Since my transition, the flood of affection, support, even the amount of physical touch from friends has been so great that it's overwhelming at times. THIS is what I always needed, and deep down, I always knew I did. I can't imagine what it's like to have that all my life & then lose it, just to feel more comfortable in my own body. UGH. My heart...
All of this feelings stuff is big waste of time. People (especially women) need to stop talking about their feelings 24/7. This would solve many problems. Just learn to be independent.
@@fuerstmetternich1997 He said "just isolate yourself and turn off your feelings. Stop being human, nobody cares how you feel. Feelings cause so many problems. I've been hurt but I'm refusing to acknowledge that so I'll blame human emotions instead."
@@carmenl9682 I think that's an inaccurate way to 'quote' somebody lol. But seriously though, there is such a thing as sitting too much in your feelings and sharing with others becoming a bit of a non-sensical circle jerk. I would say being 'independent' refers to person's capacity to provide self care, self-soothe and motivate - don't rely on others because most people are not equipped to actually help you. This is factual. In my experience this happens frequently enough with females, let alone men. Feelings are great, but life isn't all about feelings. Be rational, be a problem solver, if you can build a life that meets your needs take it and if you can't then pursue it. Its not about ignoring emotions but its about using them as fuel to do better in life.
I also think it’s a little telling - that it took this message coming from a trans man (a member of a largely marginalised group) to gain this sort of traction from this community. Often if a man was to bring attention to the same topics they would be written off as an incel/pickme/nice guy etc. The concept of hating men even as a “joke” I think has led to them not being taken seriously - even in the face of real struggles like emotional needs not being met. I don’t know who needs to hear it but - listen to men.
Women do need to listen to men more often (when they are being serious, as many use humour and joking around to deflect vulnerability). In many ways, some women have become hypocritical. Sexualising men for example: it is seen as totally acceptable in many circles, but flip the genders and it's easy to see the error.
you are right. i’ve seen influencers in the “manosphere” who do bring up valid struggles, but they also post very misogynistic, non empathetic content all the time, so obviously no one cares when they’re actually right.
Accurate comment.. not to devalidate this trans man's journey. It's quite courageous of them to open up. But a cis man, opening up about such, who's lived being a man their entire life would not garner the same attention. 80% of successful suicides are men. But no one wants to talk about that...
women are fundamentally unable to understand us, anyway. They will put everything we say into their own perspective of "how would that benefit ME", not "how can I help HIM".
@@minsqi Yup. On the other hand, sometimes "[woman?]spherers" do a similar thing. I think we can say misandry and misogyny are connected very closely. How long it will take people to realize we must eliminate both, idk. Hopefully sooner.
But the perception is bs. Women are comparatively just as abusive as men. They also cheat at the same rates. Men are the overwhelming victims of all violent crimes. I mean you could say $exual assault but if you factor in r@pe in jail the overwhelming majority of victims would be men.
@@Nazrel98 Avoiding is fine, but bothers me is having to worry about scaring someone else (possibly wrongfully targeted/attacked) while not being a creepy asshole. I've been running and turned just to avoid running up behind a woman while jogging. I was no threat, her perceiving me as a threat was the greatest issue.
I’m kinda torn here, because I feel like I understand it, but I also feel like this logic is only ever used on men and that we are seen inherently as predators that will do horrid acts to you. This logic isn’t just used on strangers in general, meaning that both men and women can be potential threats to you, no, it’s just used on men because on average we are bigger, but again, women are not seen as threats at all in first place, and are not seen as potential murders and whatnot, even if that woman is a stranger.
As a woman, I am here to tell you that not all female relationships are genuine and where you can really talk about your feelings, etc. A lot of them are superficial and several women I have met have had nefarious intentions. Women are just more covert in their aggression.
Okay yea this I agree with. I seen a lot of women's dynamic and they are somewhat open in comparison to the men's dynamic I see but ultimately there's really no difference.
Are you sure you aren't talking about HS and like beginning of college/uni years? bc I swear that has not been my experience at all. I talk to lots of ppl and if you aren't hanging with cliques that does not happen.
@@jclyntoledo Some adults sadly do carry that into their adult years. I guess it just depends who you hang out with. My uni friends are all sweet but my neighbours (fully grown adults with kids & even grankids) can be toxic and passive as hell.
Absolutely. I consider myself very kind and out going and have 0 friends because of this. When I go out yes, I do chat with the occasional women I come in contact with, but men do the same from what I’ve seen 🤷🏼♀️
Sadly there are some female relationships that are not genuine, but my experience is a bit different. I feel like I know a huge amount of really nice and open girls, I am friends with some of them, and even if we are not friends yet with others, I feel safe when I am around them. But, of course, occasionally I meet ungenuine people, but they just get out of my life very quickly.
1:20 Man, that almost made me cry because, yes. I have always been emotionally starving. It a gradual thing at first, when you are still a child, your parents give you fewer and fewer hugs and eventually they are almost nonexistent.
Oh man. My fiance swore that he hated cats. Introduce a tiny kitten I named "Max," who purred as loud as a freight train and curled up in his arms. He melted (my fiance, that is, not the cat, lol.) It was seriously endearing. Interesting point you made.
That’s not why, it’s because men understand responsibility. You learn to love the dog your wife forces on you because you have no choice and he’s not going anywhere, not because he would’ve ever gotten a dog or would have felt he can’t.
Men aren’t damaged or “emotionally starved” bruh we just have a different mentality as women, we can understand when we’re alone and show emotion differently when people are around. We’re used to the fact that people think we’re “dangerous murderers who run the world” and all we can do is just hope we don’t put out that image when walking down the street. Basically, we’re used to it, but obviously if your transitioning into a man from a woman, you’ll still be used to getting hugs and compliments everyday from strangers/friends. It’s a sad reality that you can only understand if you were born a man and grow up as one, but there’s in no way something wrong with us.
Homie I can say that I am not used to "it". It's so draining.I don't like the fact that I'm automatically seen as a potential danger to some random woman I'm walking passed on the street. Sure we guys are wired differently, but the society at large still paints a very skewed idea or image of a man.
As a man, I genuinely feel like living this life alone. This does not feel like living together with other people. I live side by side with them. Sometimes interact. Sometimes for longer. But there genuinely is no deep personal connection.
Same. I'm exhausted with expending my time and energy only for people to dip out all of a sudden. Trying to connect with others just doesn't seem worth it anymore.
I cried at my grandfather's funeral and three different family members went up to my mum to express how concerned they were that I cried. You'd think if they were concerned they'd try and comfort me, maybe offer a hug like everyone was doing with my female cousins, but not a single person did. That showed me how truly alone I was.
This seems so silly but worth posting - take picture of your guy friends. So many guys have no pictures of them and their friends and are so happy when they get included. I am constantly taking pictures and videos of them and just send them all. It helps them remember happy times and also if they are single, they have nice pictures for their profiles and don't need weird selfies. Win-win-win
It's true that as a man I don't want to expose weaknesses to strangers because they will use it against me (I have a lot of examples). But what this post is missing is that men have an emotional connection with their friends. We are not robots, just cold toward strangers.
Good point, and I think this also applies to most friends. I'm learning not to make self-deprecating jokes, because people will seize on them to accuse me of being whatever I was joking about, or will repeat the joke to strangers they are introducing me to, and the strangers won't understand it was just a joke of mine that s/he is quoting, and will treat me like garbage as a result. Or if I say I've been feeling irritable, people will treat me as if I had been irritable, even if I had been perfectly nice to them. I don't understand this species. I'd say the same applies for women though - I don't think it's exclusively a male problem.
@@lowkey276 Conversely, it's funny how many people will react positively to self-aggrandizing jokes, even when they are way over-the-top, and even when they are insulting to 99.999999% of everyone. Yesterday I jokingly told a family member, "I'm better than everyone else" without any negative consequences or pushback. LOL.
I'd say we shouldn't call it weakness, but vulnerability. I used to never share these feelings but once I started to, it was a big relief and I had the most support from guys, although the girls weren't negative with me (but they were friends, not girlfriends). It's always better to go step by step and not just pur everything out the first time you talk and see if the other person shares too. That can lead to mutual trust building up and it's worth it. It's made a huge difference in my life.
As an asian, it sounded kind of ridiculous that the user blamed it on white imperialism. There are so many diverse cultures of the past, MANY of them having the same level of "toxic masculinity" or push it to more extremes like "you have to kill a bull or cut off part of your ear or you aren't a man and won't get any women". One of the huge differences is that for milennia, men have had to be pillars of the community because it was necessary for survival. That sense of community gave men purpose and belonging and base levels of socialization. Now with our extreme technological progression, that role has fallen out of necessity for many people. Both men and women suffer socially from the large amount of isolation and lack of community of the modern age, but you almost always see men in the extreme cases of loneliness where they don't feel like they can reach out and nobody seems to reach out towards them either. It just breeds hatred for themselves and incel behaviour. It's no coincidence that people like andrew tate and self improvement 'gurus' have become so popular in the new age of the internet.
She had to blame something patriarchal because otherwise she might have to consider that men stratify into hierarchies and are dehumanized based on their utility to others because that's how women pick which men get to experience love, intimacy, have a family, etc. The male social dominance hierarchy is mate competition. In all human cultures, this is true. Even in the one or two allegedly matriarchal cultures, this is true. In all Great Apes other than Bonobos, this is true. Bonobos are the only Great Apes that don't gatekeep sex and intimacy, and they just so happen to be Matriarchal, because the males have no reason to compete when sex is freely available, but females have their offspring to worry about so they form hierarchies to secure resources for them.
it's because even though this transman is trying to be "one of the guys" they're still fundamentally thinking from a feminine point of mental origin, wherein they cannot blame any societal problems on women, feminism, or the "sisterhood". That would be social suicide. So remember: even if it's women's fault, no it isn't, it's actually men's fault. Even if it's two gold star lesbians domestically abusing each other in the wilderness on the island of Lesbos, it's still men's fault.
Ironically, I suspect men were closer to each other during the days of ultra-homophobia a couple hundred years ago than they are now, simply because the thought of it rarely, if ever, entered the equation. These days if you're too close people start wondering. Close male friendships were more acceptable when people never considered romantic relationships there an option.
I think that has a lot to do with how one interprets it, while it's meant to convey that there are ways in which men are normally socialized that is toxic, which is definitely true, it often gets interpreted as being masculine - and by extension being a man - is inherently toxic. It doesn't help that there is a common animosity towards men and that this animosity is generally socially acceptable, but the real concept behind the words "toxic masculinity" is valid.
@@MsNikeNike toxic masculinity is only valid If toxic femininity is and if toxic femininity was real we should be spending as much effort stamping that out as toxic masculinity
As a trans woman I can say that I agree with most points ahah, but my experience as a boy going thru puberty was atypical so I dunno if it really can apply. For instance, I had mostly girl friends and was from a very young age already claiming my sexuality ( I'm bi, 24 and have came out as bi at 15 ) which meant that most men and women were already treating me relatively differently in High school. Queer men aren't treated the exact same way straight men are. Well if they appear queer enough... I started transitioning at 20 and tho my first year of transition didn't really change how people perceived me, it now feels completely different. Women don't fear me sitting next to them in public transport, they are super okay and amicable when I talk to a stranger, I can sense that they don't speak with the same tone even. They accept my genuine compliments and usually say something nice back, instead of telling me they have a boyfriend. And even though I have noticed that difference and realized how it made me feel to be treated as a potential predator by default, I have adopted that same behaviour now because it probably is necessary for us :/. Some men really won't leave you alone and act scary around you. I guess everyone needs a reality check actually ahah
I’m bi and very straight passing and it’s always interesting the way people change their view of me and how they approach/interact with me once my sexuality is made known
Not a trans but a tomboy who pass as a guy most of the times (specially when my hair is super short), my experience as being proceeded as a male was an eye opener Specially in public transport, i have been treated like a predator, looked at weirdly, expected to give my place and never offered a seat even when i am at my weakest (i look pail and about to faint when on my period) At the same time i felt safer, being proceeded as a guy gave me the luxury of using public transport at late hours without feeling threatened or being threatened, i was able to hold decent conversation with guys without worrying about them misunderstanding my kindness or respect as a sign of flirting
You do realize men are physically assaulted much more then females. If a male predator sees you as a easy target single male he will assault you with a greater amount of force then he would if he knows your female. One punch from even an average size man can knock you down and out.
Don't be naive, being a guy in no way shape or form gives you the "luxury" of riding public transportation safe at night. Man or woman you should always keep your head on a swivel at night. Lone men get robbed and or assaulted all the time.
Do you think you have an Iron issue? Feeling like your about to faint on your period sounds like it could be a serious issue, not trying to be a doctor but looking into if lack of iron in your blood stream is a cause of that issue could help.
I’m very proud of this man for speaking up about this, but I will say I’m very disappointed with society. It took a transgender man for society to pay attention and care about this? I survived an abusive relationship , and tried so hard to find a shoulder to cry on….to no avail. Women either made fun of me for being “weird” (I mean I was broken!!), or avoided me for being “creepy,” and I had to move on fully on my own Meanwhile my abusive ex simply said “my ex boyfriend lied and broke promises!!!” And everybody and their mother invited her out to do fun things I spent the last 6.5 years in the medical field, watching people 86 on me, and wanted somebody to come home to - I was called an entitled incel for being sad I’m not saying women have it easy, but I am saying men don’t have it easy, either. Especially men who want emotional connections
It always goes south when one person over confidently analyzes what being man is just from the person's own experience and without even talking with other men about it. 😂
As a female, I have never experienced instant camaraderie with other women. (Thanks, social anxiety.) I tend to connect when men talk about loneliness, although minus being perceived as a threat. In my experience women are socially allowed to act friendly toward another female they don't know, but that doesn't make forming genuine connections easier.
same, if you don't have nurturing parents to teach you emotional intelligence it's the same. I was mocked for crying until I stopped, I wasn't comforted or helped through processing emotions, I was only allowed to express anger if any. So I relate to men in a lot of ways.
The difference is men have social anxiety, around all female. Especially think about how media has completey strip us of any dignity. Male has been protecting women from being in awful work conditions.
"In my experience women are socially allowed to act friendly toward another female they don't know, but that doesn't make forming genuine connections easier." I think by definition this almost has to make it "easier," but not trivial... It can still be hard and social anxiety can be a barrier to entry for genuine friendships that women have... But... Being a man AND having social anxiety is worse than being a woman AND having social anxiety, and the ability to start on friendly terms does in fact make genuine connection formation easier. This isn't just random bullshit easier, there are studies showing this to be true: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5738126/ www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3135672/ www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4067132/ www.jstor.org/stable/522703
@@KodousinxThe majority of men most of the time only talk to females when they are attracted to them and it isn't about genuine connection but biological. That is why so many women are so rude to men when they approach and when we say we aren't interested the men then avoid us and want anything to do with us anymore.
I am really thankful for the trans man for putting this out there but at the same time, men have been saying this for a very long time but it's always been brushed aside, but hey I'm glad it's finally being talked about. The only issue now is the solution, every time I see toxic masculinity brought up, women always repeat the same ideas, "men are told not to cry, men are told to repress their emotions, men don't have physical interaction with their male friends" but they never ask the men for their opinion. Interaction between men and women is vastly different, and I can guarantee having men act like women is not gonna solve anything. Some of these issues are deeply rooted and there is no quick fix to it. Also repeatedly calling the one thing that holds us together and gives us a sense of camaraderie is now being labeled toxic and poisonous. Not saying masculinity doesn't have issues but to be called toxic just for being me is just salt on the wound.
@@brownskinalsi845 I agree. What I meant by that is, more and more we're starting to idealise feminine behaviours and characteristics behaviour in school, leading to many young boys falling behind. Rough and tumble play, competitive sports and "competitive" games like tag and thief and police are shunned. Reading action or comic books are seen as "lesser" reading material even though boys tend to gravitate towards them more, leading to a stunned interest in reading from an early age. Play time over all is reduced for indoor studying, which also doesn't bode well for more active children (mostly young boys). The result is, young and teenage boys falling behind in school, with no goals and interests to push them. With more and more broken families in our society, these boys also don't have good role models at home to set an example, to make up for things that the schools can't provide. No easy way to solve these issues, there are some benefits to the things I mentioned above but we have to realise they come at the cost and until we recognise that we can't solve this issue. And by the way, boys do show their emotions, these emotions are often uncivilised as they were never taught how to adequately confront them, and learn from them, to be a better part of society. They were never taught that their emotions aren't the problem but it's the way they handle them.
Also whenever a man talks about his problems as a man women just pull the “oh poor you your life as a man is so hard” card because they think women just have it so much worse
@@thecarbonworks3539 hm. I see. Okay. I do have a question though (a question you don’t have to answer) but where are you from? I’m in Georgia, and I don’t necessarily see any of the things you’re talking about. Then again though, I haven’t been everywhere so 🤷♂️. Okay then.
@@thecarbonworks3539 adding on, I think, imo, we should idealize feminine (and masculine) characteristics and behaviors everywhere. Femininity is undervalued while masculinity is overvalued (hence why boys being feminine is wrong but girls being masculine is okay). I may be biased because I have a gender neutral mindset about personality traits (girls can be rough, boys can be sensitive) but I do believe having masc and fem traits help build kids. In my belief, you can’t have masculine without feminine. Balancing those masc and fem traits can help a lot. I do agree with a lot of what you said but this is just one thing out of others I wanted to address.
Most trans men expect a heaping helping of male privilege when they transition, but they soon get a heavy dose of reality--that being a man is a tough, lonely, and mostly invisible existence, especially if you're average.
In my experience, most trans man don't really expect it, but that doesn't mean it's not jarring when you get treated so differently even though your still the same person, both for the better or worse
It doesn't have to be that way, we need to renovate our models of masculinity and abandon these limiting models of masculinity that limit us men emotionally and socially.
@@donalvarito3165 Traditional masculinity is not for the weak. Not every male gets to become a man by maximizing his intellectual and physical potential, and mastering his emotions. This is preferable to the false utopia where men are blubbering about their feelings.
I don't get any of this. My friends are awesome and yes we don't cry and whine to each other but I know beyond a doubt they are there for me. They love me and will help any way they can. Yes we would rather shoot the shiz about sports, cars or family but it doesn't make it any less sincere than hugging and crying about life.
As a transguy, the pressure to figure out female socialization is finally gone. It's a relief that my friends now expect to come over, have dinner, watch anime... Or get together to go hiking. It's not sit around and talk about something in circles. Or meeting a stranger and they expect you to carry on small talk and smile a certain way, etc. Social cues I never understood. Close intimate high quality friendships can still exist for men, but it is NOT the same way women do it. If we talk emotions, it's 20 minutes tops. Usually gathering information/advice if there's a situation I can't figure out by myself. Like I said, it is a relief to now be in the male world. This fits what I need perfectly. I've never felt so comfortable socializing before.
Man or Woman, i'll always welcome them as one of the bros because deep down, the issue is that it's always about guys vs girls and i hate that. I mean i've had shitty guy friends the same amount i've had shitty girl friends, but at the end of the day, if you end the friendship with a guy, the two go on their merry way, but if you do the same with a girl being a guy, you get side eyes because "oh i knew you wanted more than to be just a friend". Honestly i'm glad you're having a good time being a guy, i mean if you found your true self thats great, but at times, as a cis guy, it just feels painful that people expect us to just be the ear in the conversation, to listen but to stay quiet because we are supposed to be strong. If you're ever on a rough patch yourself, remember that theres people around you that love you more than you realize. Stay well stranger and maybe some day we'll meet elsewhere!
Wow. It just occurred to me that if the same male stranger walked up to me, I would visibly relax if he said he was trans because my brain would think "cool. Less likely to murder me." Zan's right. I don't want to do it, but I can't risk the consequences if I don't.
I wouldn’t judge anyone in a negative light for stressing out if a stranger came near them. But at the same time most murders are done by people they knew so it’s hard to assess what the most logical option is. But do you really logically feel a man will more likely murder you or is this an emotional thing?
@@balancemaster55 Both. There is unquestionably an emotional cultural factor, but I've also exclusively had (perceived) cis men make unwanted advances on me when just walking around.
@@balancemaster55 honestly it’s just a simple matter of biology most of the time. Cis men are generally (GENERALLY) bigger and stronger than cis women. Things like the size of biceps and height are pretty significant when you’re sizing up how much of a threat a stranger poses to you.
I love going out for walks and just having me time outside, but I don’t want to make anyone feel particularly uncomfortable. I am trying to look engrossed in my phone or have a pet/partner with me and I only go out in broad daylight, but is there something else I can do to not be not considered a “threat”?
I definitely felt that my ex, who struggled finding a partner, yearned for those types of relationships because it allowed him to bring out his sweet and sensitive side, because he is very much that kind of person. He is actually more of a romantic than I am, too, and many straight guys are too, they just hesitate to show it sometimes. I like friendships in which everyone, regardless of gender, is given the space to communicate their feelings openly. Sharing feelings is genderless!
Since we went through puberty, my sister has been unconsciously painting me out to be a predator and it deteriorated my mental health slowly. If I ever voice an issue I had with her behavior she would take it as me attacking her and tell our mom. I cant even stand next to her in the kitchen without her looking at me as if I'm towering over her and intimidating her. This has lead to be completed cutting her off for coming on 10 months even though we both still live at home... And not to my surprise, my mental health increased immediately after.
Move away from home as soon as possible. Tell your sister you want zero contact going forward. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to put up with her bullshit.
@@3p1cand3rs0n if I were a women. And my older brother was making me have poor mental health to damn near the verge of suicide. Would you then comment under her post and ask these questions?
@@brettb.coolin5627 Hope the move went smoothly. Your sister has mental health problems and is listening to the voices in her head instead of paying attention to reality. If you stay around her, she will eventually file charges against you, and the police and courts will tend to take her side. Remove yourself to a safe distance and be able to prove you have not had contact with her. I hope she gets help, but your going to jail and/or getting a criminal record is not an option.
As a trans woman, the opposite happens, people actually talk to me. People actually give me the attention that I never got before transition, I am mostly respected and people aren't scared of me
Wow, you must be really passing then, "people aren't scared of me" does not definitely not describe my everyday experience as a trans woman xD But I know what you're getting at, those that "believe" trans people exist treat me like a woman (mostly at least) and that's quite a different experience than before.
I find it interesting that trans people have such different experiences because many trans women say they're disrespected more after transitioning, it's a strange phenomenon that I'm genuinely curious as to what the cause is
It's our silence as men that allows others to feel safe and secure around us. And gives the foundation to be a rock to others. I could only imagine the fear id have in life if growing up if my dad was crying and complaining about how tough life is all the time. Instead he doubled down, and sacrificed everything he could to make it better for all of us. Thats why we are silent in suffering, it's the only way to move forward in the times of hell without spreading the dread and fear. Actions.
On a side note, the writer is just a chick doing her best playing pretend of what she thinks a man is. And her perspective "as a man" makes it painfully obvious. Those are woman's thoughts and concerns. Also the idea that women they are treating her wildly different because shes a "man" is funny. You might just be an off putting obviously-trans person. I promise 90%+ of people would think that before "oh here's a normal average man".
Thanks for sharing Zan's message here. I would've never come across it because I don't have Twitter nor do I lurk on Tumblr. It really highlights the need for society to focus on interpersonal relationships beyond romantic in pop culture
Women can "have" a support system. Men are expected to "BE" a support system. As protectors and providers, a man cannot embrace any kind of weakness or he will be seen as "not a real/full man." And despite what they might say, women disdain men (find them sexually and romantically unattractive) if they cannot fulfill that role. So our social status and romantic viability are linked to "strength." (Not machismo, but competence.) "Why can't men be more open with their feelings? Why can't men show vulnerability?" Because it is [self-deletion] to do so. And this won't change until women find weak, vulnerable men as sexually appealing as strong men.
Women for years have been mens support system, and it times even to their own expense. Men have also dismissed or mocked women for showing emotion, being upset, and have even denied women positions of power because women were “too emotional.” Don’t say some bullshit about “women are allowed to do” when you have no idea what your talking about
As a person who tried HRT and transitioned male to female for almost 4 years before quitting (due to not ever feeling like I would be able to pass and be treated well), I'm glad one of us spoke out about learning what it's like to cross the gender divide socially. In my heart personally I'll always see myself as one of the girls, but every day socially - I look like and pretend to be a man to try and fit in and stay alive. It's rough. Thanks, Anna.
It must be a very difficult road to go down. I am so sorry society is not giving you another safer and better option. Much love and support to you, Rain.
As someone who was born and remains a man, the phrase "pretend to be a man to try to fit in and stay alive" feels like an accurate description of life. Regardless of where you see yourself, you are not alone.
@@TheOJDrinker As a girl, "pretend to be a man to survive" was a thing for me too, just not articulated like that :d now I understand it was qualities connected to a "real man". How those narrow definitions affect all of us in different ways..
In my experience, women will want you to open up but then throw whatever you shared with them back in your face if they are angry. It's like they are just doing it to try to figure out your weaknesses to use against you if needed. Also, the moment you "express" your emotions in a way they don't find acceptable they will insult and belittle you even though they are the ones telling you to express your emotions more.
@@Blabou "I'm sorry for you" YOUR comment is toxic. You feel sorry for someone because he tells you how things are? That's really junk logic. Most men know exactly why they won't show their weaknesses in front of their GF. Unless they've known her for many many years and know it's "safe" to do that in front of her.
Male social isolation has been known and documented for a long time now. The fact that we as a society need a former woman, a former part of the sisterhood, to confirm it is another symptom of the gender divide. People care about the suffering of trans men, but it's not confirmed yet whether they care about the suffering of other men, and it's been my experience that most people don't. People want men to be in charge, to work hard, even to the detriment of social relationships, and to be emotionally stable, because that's what keeps society functioning. It's written all over our culture. As a man who's suffered from social isolation (I'm also aware that I'm partly responsible for my own well-being and interpersonal relationships), I'm excited for change in that regard but I'm also not exactly optimistic about it. I'm emotional reading the comments and seeing people's compassion towards men. I hope this compassion can extend into real life relationships somehow.
What???? Absolutely NO ONE care about what trans men have to say. They are the most ignored in the lgbt community. If they aren’t being ignored, they’re outright hated.
@@vector_vector__ sorry no, men are emotional and logical creatures just like women. We have feelings, and we need social bonds to feel whole. The thing that makes us diffrent is a very small part of who and what we are relative to our general behaviour.
@@justynh1321 both have emotions but here is the thing Men are less Emotional then women and there is biological reasons for that . Both genders have emotions but men don't show emotions the same way as women and people are trying to change Men and make them more soft and more emotional like women even tho Men are biological different then women . So why not just let me be how they are " let them be emotionally stable and more logical that's how they were since beginning of time " there is a lot of benefits we get when Men are emotionally stable like not getting offended easily most of the time . Emotional Men are dangerous did you know that ? Do little quick research about it ?
This is why sports and hobbies are often more important for men than women when it come to an outlet for social interaction. I think they are both immensely uplifting for all when it comes to keeping an active body and mind.
Sports sucked for me. Like it was fun until highschool. I used to play basketball all the time with my friends afterschool. Thing is highschool really fucked that feeling over. I wish co-ed classes never were a thing IMO. Sports used to be a thing where even unathetltic kids could feel part of a group. But with Co-ed PE, if your ugly and you even try to against women, they instantly look at you like some creep. Its genuinely retarded.
Well, I think most men came to realize that we are rejected by 50% of the population about the age of 12-14 when we stop being cute kids and start looking more like men, so I can imagine being suddenly presented with this fact can be quite shocking.
It's amazing how this trans person confirms everything that was already understood by every guy. And also at the same time can be so wrong about it, the reasons why it happens and then still blame us for it yet again 😆. Mind blowing.
I feel your pain .At the end of the day you are of woman born and someone`s precious brother.for now i`ll leave you with this... it`s better to leave acknowledgement and gratitude where it`s due.i don`t want to have a go at a stranger on the internet so...i`m hoping you catch what i mean if god wills and you intend it. salam upon you.
@@zerofox2030 Hey. Trans men don't appreciate being called female. Knock it off. While it's true that being raised female will give you different experiences, that's the whole point: He's able to see the differences AS differences because he's experienced multiple ways of living. Cis people only have their one gendered life as reference. Trans people can see it from a broader perspective.
This feeling of rejection the author feels is very similar to what I felt during many times for being asexual. I fully understand "women social armor", but it sometimes makes me feel like a "potential menace" that is not welcome near my very own female friends, a feeling that many times is aggravated by anxiety and other neurocognitive disorders. Being asexual (and a very emotional person) many times set me up on situations where I wasn’t fit for the “men’s group” because I am not the “average straight man” and no fit for the “women’s group”, because they still see me as a “average straight man”. That many times was truly desolating.
I wonder... would there be less "incels" and "pick-up artist" if straight men didn't link their value as a man with getting laid and that "jerking-off is just for losers" or that it's a sin or some bullshit like that.......
I also have the same experiences, I can’t really relate to women and their experiences with sex and attraction which is quite often a topic of conversation. I also find I can really get in on men’s conversations as that will often occur with male friends. I’m quite actively uncomfortable with the topic and when being pressed as to why I don’t like having to explain again and again why I’m uncomfortable with the conversation and just end up finding and excuse to leave. I also find myself the butt of jokes on the topic too since a lot of dirty jokes and such go over my head and I’m mocked for that. It’s left me feeling excluded most of the time even though I know it’s not deliberate, it’s just I can’t relate and it’s almost always the topic being discussed. This has also lead to me feeling like I talk too much about topics I enjoy because I feel like I never get to talk to anyone otherwise (this is not helped by my focus issues and Nurodivergence) and then I feel ashamed that I’ve gushed on and on about something. There’s also a similar thing going on in LGBT communities so i feel a bit isolated there. A lot of people have voiced that Ace people aren’t allowed in the community and that we aren’t “queer enough” basically but the straight people see us as “too queer”. It leaves me feeling the only people I can talk too are fellow Ace’s and there’s so very few of those.
As a random guy on the internet, I'd like to say the situation that trans person observed can be interpreted a little bit differently. To put it simply, what men needs is to "feel needed". That generally fixes A LOT of the issues. But given how society has been developed over the last half century, where men are needed the most is being belittled, discouraged and simply speaking, hated.
What are you talking about. It’s not being belittled. Where men are needed is supposed to be replaced with women. We want women ceo, women as fathers, women as all leaders and workers.
I can't believe I had to scroll down this far into the comments section to find the first person who gets it: men have an overwhelming need to feel needed. If we don't feel needed, and every part of modern society is conditioned to convince us we're not needed, our lives lose all sense of purpose. A man without purpose is a man without a life; he's already dead.
@@SuperSupersoda amen! The world thinks men have it easy. Both sexes have their challenges. Those challenges are just different. The world only works with both…cooperating together and contributing their unique gifts and perspectives.
Growing up hearing how you’re not sh!t and all your “safe spaces” must be infiltrated by women, all the while women are portrayed as beings of perfection and light. Oh, and don’t forget how every male preference is belittled but on the flip side when women have the same preference it’s **crickets**
@@SuperSupersoda Probably because a mans value is based on what he provides for others, not just him inherently as a person compared to women. Women have something similar but its based on their physical looks and being wanted.
Thank you so much. I’ve been a sis man 62 years and it’s nice to find people that are looking your direction. Meaning your caring about my boys. Thank you very much.
inherently this is a product of the loss of communities. when we know each other, we can let our guard down. thankfully i found a community 20+ years ago that embraces all genders, races, sexualities. im realizing how rare this is as i age and am thankful for my friends.
I grew up in a tight-knit community. That community reinforced all of the issues mentioned. A community makes the effects of social codes stronger - not healthier.
I’ve actually thought about this for a while and I feel like it’s a contributing factor in the essential way men navigate society. When your think of it so many aspects of manhood are basically perpetuated so we either A. Avoid expressing our relationship, feelings etc. B. To get into those relationship so we can actually have an outlet to talk. Sometimes when I think of how obsessed with the gym this modern era teen boy is I realize that it’s just to get a girlfriend half the time. The only intimate, truly interpersonal interaction men are granted is just between their partners and even then it’s looked down upon to be to “gushy” in ur approach to expressing ur emotions with ur wife/gf. Men are tasked to either struggle to form bonds or forced to disdain them and be this sole “loner alpha wolf” whilst alot of the time women are granted/expected to have a sense of sisterhood between themselves to an extent and have been trained to do so from almost birth, with social occasions like tea parties, girly sleep overs whilst many boys are expected to play rough and then just go home a lot of the time. While I too cringe from even the mention of female privilege because Ik some Reddit boy is gonna have a field day with it in some aspects there are privileged ways a lot of girls afforded. That’s why I think so many men can’t handle the thought of rejection because it feels like yet another example of how they’re turned away by society
As my buddy and I explained it to our girl friend group a couple of months ago, "we don't gossip or really talk about each other's relationships much like women do, we check in with each other but would rather go do something or talk random hypotheticals than gossip ab each others significant other" It blew the girls away to hear it cuz apparently when they hang out they talk ab guys and they expected us to be the same with girls. We then showed them how we can take a hypothetical ab living on an island and turn it to a 7hr conversation lol
Exactly. I'd rather you tell me how to fix my garage door than how things are between you and your girl friend. The first is useful information. The second is drama. Don't wanna know. Don't care.
@@redshark9537 Exactly man. I'd rather go diagnose a problem with my car, talk about new project concepts or shoot the crap over music tastes than really delve into drama
because girls speak dearly of their interests while men just go she's hot and nice to me and then move on. They probably were exaggerating to make the conversation interesting too when they were shocked. But we are the same, it is just we have more drama in our house because parents tend to come to us girls for comfort and to release their stress and drop bombs of drama. But we do talk about other things that we like and movies and share opinions and we both know not a single human in the world that doesn't gossip, it just that you guys word it differently. We see each and text each other every 4 minutes and rather talk normal conversation than to roast each other and be fine with it. Because lmao a dude told me what their friends calls him and i swear they are evil for that. And don't listen to everything some girls say, they are setting you guys up.
I was recently in a class in which someone brought this issue up. The professor said this is the price society must pay to displace men as the world's decision-makers and make room for women who're better for the world. So she essentially justified gender bigotry against men because in her view men have to go. And a lot of influential people feel this way. It's going to get worse.
I do not understand why so many people think 'elevating women' REQUIRES 'burying men'. Why are we making gender equality and justice into a zero sum game. Imagine a judge in a criminal court saying 'I'm going to give you the maximum sentence because I was lenient with the last one'.
@@WilliamBrowningAmerica is changing into this as a whole. White people getting representation taken away for the sake of “poc inclusivity”, this, etc.
cultural Marxism (masqueraded as "boomer liberalism") IS now The Establishment. They've been programmed to DESTROY Western civilization, right down to the Nuclear Family, so if Population replacement doesn't work , then it's Depopulation through collapse of free market meritocracy and Constitutional Rule of Law ,collectively pitting groups against each other ,just like in the Soviet Union and Red China , wherein +80 million citizens perished with nary a trial afterwards of the killers.
@@WilliamBrowning Apparently the only way they think they can propel women is to take down men. Seems healthy and totally logical. Whoever does the job best should get the job.
since starting to medically transition, i’ve seen an immediate change in how people treat me in public. people need to deconstruct their gender biases on all sides, it’s hurting everyone. thanks for amplifying trans voices!
I don't disagree but even when as a female I can treat males "properly" via the net in games they still sometimes act like sex crazed maniacs. Not all of them but a few. And I always check in with my male friends, but unfortunately because of how they were raised it's hard to get them to open up, even when 1:1. I do wish they felt more comfortable about it, since I guess me personally I don't care about being judged I honestly like to know what people hate about me, to see if it's something I feel I should correct or not. Though I do have some online male friends that use me to get a female's perspective, and I'm alright with that since for guys it can be hard.
Men - "hey, things here are pretty bad" Woman - "shut up, you are privileged" ... Transmen - "hey guys, cismen are right" Women - "wow, who would have thought"
It's more of: Men - Constantly dismissing women's issues, demanding women to cater to men's issues whilst juggling all of their own and then blaming it on women when women finally snap and say they're privileged and can't focus on it 24/7.
@@floffy2695 Women don't cater for men's issues, except in feminist fantasies. Stop this garbage. Just.... STOP IT. Western society is gynocentric. You need to wake up. No one is dismissing women's issues. They are in literally all newspapers, TV, even in companies today. We have a TV screen in our company too, where there are women's issues, LGBTI issues, etc. presented all day on a loop. All issues except men's issues (white, hetero men).
The biggest issue I have with this is that the individual is seeing a males experience through a female lens. Just because males do not experience social interaction the same way females do, that does not mean males are lacking or deficient in any way. As a man, I can handle solitude and social isolation extremely well but the problem arises when it is extended for long periods of time. In my experience, I do not need frequent social interactions or warmth and friendliness from strangers. What matters the most are deep connections with loved ones. The rest is completely irrelevant. In fact I do not feel anything at all towards it. I would even go as far as to say frequent interactions with strangers is a net negative. The issue with men today is most men are lacking deep connections with family, friends and loved ones. Most modern men are being isolated for ungodly amounts of time. This is what leads to the loneliness . Men are very simple and need a few things. A sense of purpose and a goal to strive towards, a brotherhood, family and a partner.
You saying that you're "fine" with isolation is proving his point. You're starving, but you're getting three meals a day so you think you're good. Humans are social animals. We are at our worst when we're alone. It is not good for us to be alone and isolated.
@@couldntthinkofacoolname9608 if you feed a 200kg man/women a normal healthy diet he will feel like he/she is starving all the time even though you giving them a normal healthy amount of food that is perfectly sufficient. in broader terms if you had abundance alll your life (regardless in what thing) then a normal amount of something will feel as if you are deprived of it. Women tend to be more social and they are proven to be far less resilient to social isolation. its in fact what women do to "punish" each other they dont usually fight physically but they ostracise and ridicule the offending women. it is done as an individual, as a leader of a group or as a whole group in consensus. all of this does not mean men dotn need social interaction or intimacy etc. they just need less of it and still be fine.
The same "open minded progressive" people who say men need to show their emotions more are the same people who were making fun of Jordan Peterson for crying last week.
Because Jordan Peterson is a hypocrite much like most of the people in these comments living in an echo chamber. Jordan Peterson is the same man always spouting about masculinity and being a strong male yet contradicted his own standards when he himself cried
Funny the only respnse comment was so toxic it got removed. Really shows how “accepting” these ppl are. People are finally fighting back tho change is o comin
I make fun of him and I am on the right and strictly against showing your emotions in public. It shows that you cant control your emotions. It shows weakness.
I personally knew 4 men who committed suicide too young, that's just in my small social circle, it's a serious mental health crises among that demographic yet almost no one talks about it. Men of minority have it even worse. For me it helped studying the works of Carl Jung, Joseph Campbell, Stephen Covey, David Deida and Wayne Dyer. It's important for young men to find a mentor or someone to teach them how to manage their emotions since many are conditioned to suppress them growing up. Music also helps process emotions, Linkin Park helped me through some rough patches in high school. I noticed how I started holding a cold demeanor cause that's how the world treats me, have to be tough in a world that makes it tough for you. When I try to be kind to women, they perceive it as me trying flirt with them so they put up their guard and act cold. When I'm kind to men they see it as suspicious or passive aggressive. Human connection is a rare commodity among men, it has taught me how to be more stoic and resilient to life challenges.
Joseph Campbell would take every bit of ideology the LGBT community has invented in the last 30 years and smash it into smithereens. He would say that all ancient cultures accepted the clear dichotomy of male and female differences. Young males went through initiation rites to become adult males. Young females went through pregnancy to enter genuine womanhood. The divine masculine and divine feminine are ubiquitous in myth. Denying these opposites is rejecting nature, he would argue, I'm sure of it.
The really sickening thing is that whenever the suicide epidemic among men is brought up, invariably things like male privilege and the patriarchy are brought up moments later in order to explain it away. Basically the reason men are suffering a mental health crisis is their own damn fault, not broad changes in society that deal with the utility of men and the respect inherent in traditional masculinity. The only time masculine rolls get praised these days is when they are being occupied by women. From a young age nowadays, men are basically just being told that we are in the way, an obstacle in the way of female empowerment. Hard not to feel like society doesn't want you.
@@derek96720 absolutely this. Men and masculinity are casualties in the ever-expanding gender wars. I’m all for women having the same opportunities as men, but that doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s like we thought that we could paint men as the enemy, as some oppressive force, and that somehow men wouldn’t come to feel isolated, abandoned, and unwanted. Male suicidality is quite easily explained by our current social climate.
This is the first time that I've heard a woman acknowledge and show compassion for the incredible loneliness that I know that I feel. But I believe it will be generations after I'm dead that it will be recognized much less recovered from. Thank you Anna. You're a sport.
it will come sooner than you think. the awareness of men's mental health has skyrocketed in the last decade, and within the next it should reach acceptable levels of public awareness.
Its Anna's shallow understanding of what men want. She's trying to make men more like women, which men don't want. This kind of feminine only approach is exactly where the bad perceptions of today's men are coming from.
@@nickb6425 So some of you are mad because 'women' want you to express your feelings and the rest of you are mad because 'women' won't let you express your feelings. OK, then! I'll just go back to my hobbies. (I actually have good, male friends, who, incidentally, express their feelings. That's part of friendship.)
Something that often frustrated me when I first started dating men in college was that it seemed like they would latch onto me in a really intense way as soon as we started having deep, revealing conversations about our feelings and identities. This happened with platonic male friends too. Every single one would express early on "I've never told anyone this before" and would start relying on me emotionally as if I were a therapist or expressing that they were in love with me before I felt like they even knew me very well. It was frustrating because I felt like they were just using me to fulfill their emotional needs, or like they were in love with the idea of me and the emotional safety I could provide them without actually knowing or caring who I as an individual was. I would think things like "I don't know why this conversation has convinced you we're soulmates, I've had almost this exact conversation with all of my girlfriends at some point." Eventually, I expressed this to my female friends, and they started sharing similar experiences. It took a little while, but I started to realize that the reason that the men we dated were acting this way was because they had never had the privilege / luxury having many warm, unconditionally supportive emotional relationships with their friends. Or maybe even a sense of camaraderie and support with a larger group, like the kind I feel with all the women out there in the world. There was this need that wasn't being fulfilled because of the limits of societal conditioning and expectations, and it was only with female partners that they were finally getting what I had been getting every single day. It made me sad, it still makes me sad. I didn't realize that men also feel a coldness in day-to-day interactions with people, even strangers, and I can absolutely understand why that would contribute to this "emotional malnutrition." I'm not going to stop having my guard up in public, mostly because I don't think I even know how at this point, but also because I've experienced more violent situations than I can count and I have to prioritize protecting myself, but I do want to make an effort to be warmer with men in situations where it's safe to do so. I feel like this is a good example of why feminism benefits everyone. I hope that we can eventually kick the bullshit conditioning completely so that everyone feels able to have close, revealing relationships with the people in their lives.
You realized men were humans but no one, not even *their mothers* and other *women* in their lives were being emotionally supportive. Nearly all of the social conditioning in society is by women, for women. Women have taught "society" that men don't need to be emotionally supported.
I’m a TransMan, 40 years old and have been on testosterone for 16 years. My man Zane, broke this down very intelligently and very difficult for many people not in Gen Z to understand. I have faith that the youth who come up after us, will be much more enlightened and begin to unravel this social norms men and women in America have become so accustomed to and negatively intertwined in.
Being male in our current society is extremely depressing, lonely, cold and isolating. It is depressing to me that it seems most women don't begin to try to understand or empathize with the plight of men without becoming one themselves and facing it. There was a whole book written in the 2000s about a woman who disguised herself as a man and became integrated with predominantly male communities. The trauma from the experience made her realize how wonderful it is to be a woman. She gained a great level of sympathy for men in general and realized as a whole they are suffering and wanting/needing emotional intimacy. As someone who falls into the non-binary trans category (mtf) I realized when I am perceived as female how much warmer and kinder the world has felt towards me. People go out of their way to help or compliment me. I felt like people really wanted me around. At first I was depressed thinking about how happy my life could have been from the beginning if I had just been born female. I also came to the sad realization that I had the same problem as I did when I when I am seen as male. No one cared about who I was deep down or loved me for who I was. All of the warmth, kindness and compliments that felt so great was because they were just physically attracted to me. Its flattered and confidence boost but at its core it is still hollow.
This comment deserves way more likes. You perfectly covered the main issue for both genders/(everyone) and how they're experienced differently by each. Everyone's so quick to get offended, insult, diminish, each other, and it gets worse all the time, making it harder not to throw that bitterness back in. I hate to admit how long it took me to see how wrong I acted under the guise of fair gender politics ... And how many women really do hate men and take it out on the sons they're supposed to be loving, protecting, and raising. I fear we'll have to lose huge chunks of human innovation before we'll finally learn to connect to one another the human way
There's an aspect I've been pondering that we've been coddled by our male privilege to the point where it's dismantling has left us vulnerable and in need of other forms of nourishment.
I was almost exclusively alone for 3-4 years total in the past 7-8. At least 200+ days a year. Had big issues with mental health and had nowhere to turn to for help, got rejected everywhere. But it turned out fine, I’ve been through a lot of things + mental training, so I had all the tools needed. But yeah, it’s a lonely world out here for us guys.
I’m glad to hear you were able to make it through the loneliness. I had something similar with being in a country that doesn’t speak English ( I tried to learn French, but it was so hard), and lost my best friend due to them ending their life. I nearly lost the fight, but I’ve made it so far
@@TreyWindinal hey, you’re here! You are still able to touch grass, smell the air, taste the foods and feel alive, what an gift. Though the gift can be poisonous, it’s our perspective that makes it that. I am happy you’re here, I too have been fighting life. 7-8 years ago I swallowed 187 pills, and a police officer saved my life, I had two more attempts after that. But I succeeded, I survived! For me I tattooed Balance and perspective above each knee, everytime I see my legs I get reminded of being in balance is key for my doing good, but perspective for my view of life and everything it offers. Find yourself a reminder why you love earth and life, and use it as a guide through everyday.
As someone who’s gone though my whole life up until now as a man the best thing anyone has ever said to me was “you’re one of the only boys in the school I feel completely safe around”
how did we end up at white imperialism? i thought that was about resources, unbridled nationalism, social darwinism and not about emotional deprivation?
To rephrase another comment I found accurate and also hopefully explains to women why men can feel alienated or rejected by them: When a transman tells women how cis men feel women listen, but when a cis man says the exact same thing, women don't listen. Men are like WTF?
This point is exactly what I was looking to say but couldn't find the right way to explain. 🙏 thx
Because those women don't really take that person transition seriously, they think it's just another woman pretending to be a man.
Just a guess but boys and men are usually not encouraged or even tought to express and communicate their feelings, while girls and women are. So a trans man is the perfect person to communicate! And I think it also goes the other way. I as a cis woman have learned so much from trans women about what it means or doesn't mean to be a woman. Or from trans men what it feels like to be a man in this world. Same goes for every and any minority. I am white (passing), cis, able bodied, so I have no clue what it is like to not be any of the above if I do not listen to people who are BIPoC, disabled, trans... TLDR: Diversity is the goat, be kind to everyone, educate yourselves about other lived experiences and do not listen to fearmongering bigots.
The problem is that both cis men and cis women can ONLY give their side of the divide, and both can assume the other side is uninformed, unreliable, or arguing in bad faith.
@@bluesonicstreak7317 The worst part is that neither side is technically wrong.
"Its like they are starving but don't know it" no no, we are very aware
We are very aware but are not allowed to say it for fear of being mocked or seen as weak.
@@gm9460Your pain is valid.
@@Sarahizahhsumthanks
HIGHTENED AWARENESS ON A DAILY BASIS SINCE ABOUT KINDERGARTEN
And you wonder why we go maniac! Loooooooool
Not that it's an excuse to use women as emotional crutches, but I do think this contributes to why some men are desperate to be in a relationship. Not only is there an association with status but it's one of the only relationships that men are socially allowed to be vulnerable and soft in. Being treated like a threat or like it's weird to have emotions and needs can be tiring and it feels so good to connect with someone on an emotional level.
Thank you for wording it much better than I ever could.
And yet women are said to be turned-off by men who show their emotions when they start dating. This could be why so many women choose narcissists
Yes this!
Or Dogs. Mans best friend, because he get all the suppressed emotions he cant show to others.
This comment made me want to tell my husband that I love him
As a man in his 40's I still have trouble accepting this as real. Like I go into a store, or wherever, and I try to be friendly with everyone, as though we are some kind of community or something. It feels like the right thing to do, but it often consists of a pain, that I'm used to, of people often not knowing how to react to me, or being scared of me. It's like I let myself have amnesia with this, forgetting about it and just continue trying to live in a way that seems normal to me, but not to the world.
The way I get around this is to play online games and be frienly there. Most other gamers are more open and don't judge based on appearance because there is none.
When you get deep in a friendship, organize a meet together as a large group so they don't feel unsafe and boom, you just by-passed the hardest part of connection: The first impression
Everyone's receptive to this in Bangkok and Malaysia. For a few days I thought everyone had the hots for me but literally i was just experiencing being part of society for the first time. It's awesome and life changing
@@jahcSoftWow pal, that sounds great.
It isn't real, she is talking bollocks and spouting marxist 'clean slate' ideology. She thinks men are inherently identical to women mentally and any differences we see between men and women must be 'white imperialism' its child like ill educated nonsense. Men are inherently different to women, it's called sexual dimorphism and is a result of evolutionary psychology it is extensively peer reviewed science. We don't form social bonds with each other like women do because we compete with each other in a status hierarchy collecting resources, women do bond for child rearing and safety. The reason a 'trans man' is shocked by that is because they are a woman not a man.
@@CheesusCrusts Been playing online games since they were invented, and I can say with 100% certainty that everything you just is completely false about gamers. Gamers are the most toxic and horrid people humanity has to offer. In the early days, gamers consisted of people who were ostracized by the rest of society for not fitting in. Now that being a "gamer" is popular, it has attracted the scum of society in droves. I'd meet less degenerates and reprobates at a Klan meeting than I would dealing with gamers. They absolutely DO judge on appearance; the difference is that they assign you one that suits their narrative and then proceed to mock you for that.
This really puts the whole "ugh men just fall in love with the first women who shows them an ounce of respect or affection" into perspective
Most men have very few options romantically to begin with, as well as not picking up on social cues as well as women. Therefore, when a member of the opposite sex is nice to you, you think "finally!" -someone sees the good in me and is attracted to me! Then, if you find out they are just being friendly, it reinforces the feelings of isolation and low self-esteem and makes you want to retreat even further.
When I was 14 I ended up in a toxic relationship and I fell for this girl all because when she was invited over to Thanksgiving, she got out of her seat where she was placed at our table, crawled under it and sat next to me. That one act had me hooked
how did you not know this until now!?
@@unematrix Empathy isn’t their strong suit. Although mass media and popular opinion would make you think differently.
@@bazdoeshisthing the vast majority of humans on the planet aren't capable of understanding situations they've never experienced without being told about them, and in our ridiculous both gender divided and us vs them reality, you only listen to those on your side. Men have been pretty much talking about stuff like this for ages, but they're called "MRAs" or MGTOW misogynists for "speaking over women" which... actually many of the other things some of these people say aren't very appealing and there's definitely a reason they are consistently shut down, though not all members if any group are the ones that cause a group to have a bad name. Anyway. A trans man (no offense to anyone, but a natal female, which whether you'd like to call it an inherently transphobic society, or a side effect of reality (I'm not gonna pick a side, just mentioning they exist) it DOES matter in this context) decided to say this too, and thus it gave it credibility to many who'd normally claim its "insignificant rambling of the other side" to anyone reading this, you aren't un-empathetic, you just need to choose to listen to others. This world is far bigger than any of us are ever gonna know or understand.
I don’t know about other guys, but showing too much emotion or being soft even with my significant other has always gone south. I constantly have to remind myself to keep it down or people will stop respecting me, find me unattractive or think I’m weak. This message is already being to vulnerable in my experience. Honestly don’t know if there’s a solution for it, but I know I can trust animals so that’s what I do. Get a pet is my quick bandage for now lol.
Your partner perpetuates toxic masculinity. It's an entire conversation but you should have it with them. I'm so sorry 😢
I hope you will find friends who respect you, where you won't have to keep your guard up. That's the case with all my friends.
@@hehashivemind6111 That toxic masculinity theory is also why these mental health and solitude problems have worsened, not improved. When that behavior is encouraged by females, shouldn't it be about toxic femininity? It's about females needs, that make them reject that vulnerability, but even then it's about something wrong in the masculine. That "female privilege" it's also about them never having to be accountable as every problematic aspect of their behavior and nature is also directly blamed to men, and you end up pushing the perspective that everything related to men is the problem, increasing the apathy and disregard that society has for us. That theory is harmful by it's self.
So true
@@TheDiscrepator cause men encourage it too. And its directly tied to men, so u trying to put all the blame on women is kinda ironic.
“Most men live in quiet desperation” is a quote most men can relate to.
I aint even tryna be corny i just stood up and stared at the window for a bit lmfaoo.
That part is true. I feel a lot of people feel the same way I do. I just feel disposable sometimes.
"Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way"
@@honkhonk8009 It is true, but not because of a lack of male companionship, as the author assumes....at least not for most men, if you hear them tell it.
@@mr_knowitall what would be the main reason? I thought men are used to not having deep emotional connections (long lasting ones at least) since childhood.
@@jomana1109 well, let me take my last statement back a bit. Men could be lacking male companionship if they lack friends or the friends they do have, they see too rarely. However, I don't know any men who've ever expressed that they feel a lack of companionship because the interactions with their male friends aren't intimate enough, as the author assumes.
I would say the main reason men feel a quiet desperation is because their work lives are unfulfilling and their homes lives are unfulfilling.
When I (single avg white male) moved into a house in a neighborhood, no-one welcomed me. Oh well. Months later, next door a young couple moved in and I thought I would go over and welcome them since I thought no-one else will. When I went over, I was surprised. There was already another neighbor there welcoming them. The woman who had moved in said to me "This is so nice, everyone has been coming over to welcome us!". Hmmm.
That’s really sad, I could feel that personally. I really don’t understand that when you’re just some single guy nobody cares, but when you’re couple everyone is interested. It’s insane
No body welcomes u must because u r a guy, right 😔
True. Same phenomenon in Europe. I like walking around with a girlfriend because being in a couple society treats me better. My gf (very long distance) got super jealous because all the sudden so many girls would approach me, asking for advice like "where does this train go", "how do I get to XYZ", etc. Which is something that walking the city alone as a guy never happens.
Hire a super model escort to go to a business dinner. You will get utmost respect!
This is a reason that as a man, you start enjoying solitude, doing your hobbies rather than trying to socialize.
Plus, doing things is usually more mentally healthy for men than sharing their feelings. It's the opposite for women. It still helps, but not to the same degree as improving ourselves.
This is also why, often, therapy doesn't work as well for men, unless the therapist in question accepts that there's a difference between the sexes and implements such in their treatment - preferably with a focus on self improvement and accomplishing tasks for a male pacient.
@@DarkVeghetta Men are programmed to improve themselves because it was the only path to receiving comfort.
Social media and feminism have contributed to the end of this path.
@@DarkVeghetta that's on point.
ME
You Don't Enjoy It
But that's How You Deal With or At LEast Try to Deal With It
Society: “Be yourself”
Society: “No, not like that.”
And who created the society? Men.
@@ct-gv6yl if you think it's that simple you're dumb. Women like successful men way more than men like successful women. Do you really think there would be an album by 50 cent called "get rich or die trying" if your average joe in a low income community had the same chance as a woman from the lower classes? There will be no real conversation until this stops being ignored.
@@ct-gv6yl And women. Don't act like women never had any influence either.
@@asxulxetesteronsxez538 women were the ones that did push this nonsensical mindset.....
Me: “Be yourself”
Also Me: “No, not like that.”
As a dude, I've been roasted/ridiculed more by females for showing my emotions than I ever have with other guys. in fact, when I open up around other guys, they tend to commiserate vs where women tend to ask the age old: "aren't you a man? why can't you deal with this on your own?"
No. Nobody can. That's the point.
Isn't sexism great? Err, I mean, it's punching up, so it must be fine? Totally not misandric and sexist at all, TOTALLY. (I'm being sarcastic, incase you weren't sure. Those types of people need to learn some god damn empathy and compassion)
My experience with women when opening up is them starting to question my sexuality..
Women say they want you to open up to them. If you trust them enough to do so, the first thing they do in an argument is throw it in your face. So why should I open up to you again? 🤔
I am not a very usual person due to my upbringing probably and most comments i get from women are either wow what kind of a man are you *impressed* and ewww what kind of a man are you *disgusted* like dude what the hell you know about being a man that is constantly in your words like ı think women need to shut up about that . Yes i do tell it to them face to face too obviously less aggresive than here .
All of this is essentially the point of Kanji Tatsumi’s arc in Persona 4
This might sound crazy but im happy having no friends.
You're never betrayed if theres no one to betray you
You'd be way happier with a really good mate though. One is enough.
Not everyone wants to spend their time socializing and that's 100% ok. I suspect you weren't fishing for approval, but this is to train the AI.
I opened up once to a woman about how I truly felt about the loss of my father at a young age. Afterwards in a discussion about something I can't even remember she then got angry and called me a "fatherless bastard". That's what toxic women do, and that's why I'm very careful to whom I truly open up to, if at all.
On another note, I did an interview for a part-time babysitter job and was asked if I was a pedo or not... As a man, am I just not allowed to like caring for children? I did this back when I was in daycare myself and took care of the little kids there as well, and ever since then I just liked doing that. I did get the part-time job however and even though I only worked for about 3 months, those kids still want to come visit me 9 years later, and they're now adults.
I was an assistant teacher for the kindergarten class at a religious school way back when and one of the girls in the class spilled some water on her shirt, so I took her to go get some paper towels from the bathroom. Later, I was sat before a literal tribunal and asked if I took her clothes off. I didn't, but I'll never forget how no one trusted me to not be a pedophile.
Never, ever, ever, divulge your feelings to your woman. They will definitely use it against you at some point
Never ever be vulnerable in front of a woman, they don’t understand the male experience, and they hate it.
At this point, never open up to woman, no matter what woman you date she will always use your past against you, women are way too emotional, and they'll say things without even thinking.
Honestly hate that great disparity...cause they say "men are not attentive to their kids or kids in general and lack empathy" then when a man is it's " nuh uh what are your true intentions"? Bloody hell on a corn cob🤦♀️
If you get angry you are violet and dangerous, if you get lonely you are an incel, if you get sad you are pathetic, if you get too excited you are cringe. Just how it goes 🤷♂️
I promise you not every women thinks like this! And hopefully it is changing.
@@silverfoxchainnot all, just most
If a woman gets angry she's a drama queen, if she gets cries she's too hormonal and disregulated, if she gets lonely is only her choice. Open your eyes cos cliches apply to absolutely everybody.
@@vero9348nah most men would still slepp with a women and men dont really complain like that lmao
@@vero9348women are literally almost always comforted in times of distress. As a man u literally have no where to turn.
When I first became sexually active with men, I heard more and more that men are being told that "they can't say no to sex, because they're a guy," and was immediately appalled. It created a bee in my bonnet, and I brought it up anytime I was around a guy, because every time I was told that, yep, that guy had been told it too. It pissed me off, and freaked me out on their behalf.
Eventually I told a friend of mine who's a guy. After he'd heard me be vocally and visibly pissed off about this, and continuously acknowledge that women are capable of rape and men can be raped, he told me something worse. I listened as he told me how he'd been raped by a girl he went to school with.
Long story short: Being vocal in your support, seems to encourage men to speak up.
We all hope our women friends will tell us if it happens- so we're gonna want our men friends to tell us too, right? And it's dodgy how it can happen; I can definitely see guys thinking they wouldn't just not be listened to- but berated outright.
I won't share my friend's actual story, but I did want to put this out there.
@@Amandasbarros rape means that you are forced into 'sex'. If that is what happened to him, then I'd say he was raped
@@Amandasbarros the fact you won’t acknowledge it as rape makes me feel like you don’t understand their pain
@@Amandasbarros Why?
@@Amandasbarros The semantics here are part of the problem.
I respect u so much for not revealing his story for the whole world.
“The masses of men live lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation”
-Henry David Thoreau
This made me think of another of Anna Akana's videos from years ago where she admitted to having this sort of guard up when she meets men for the first time, but that she drops the guard if she learns a man she is meeting has a girlfriend. I'm a cis man, and these two videos combined make me realize why my social life always improved when I had a girlfriend and why it fell apart when I was single again. Being attached as a man is a status that opens the door to certain kinds of friendships that are closed when you are single.
Honestly, most men behave way different when theyre in a relationship, vs if they arent. So its not a mere factual factor, but a behavioural one as well.
Being attached and open about it is a sign to most girls that: 1) you aren’t interacting with them just to get in their pants 2) you are worthy enough to be chosen by a girl therefore you are nice 3)you care enough about your girlfriend to not cheat on here therefore more points towards you being a good guy 4)you are capable of caring for another person.
These factors make women feel safer when interacting with straight men because through their cuffed status we understand that all their actions are platonic (or assumedly at least)
@@michelleta1628 Your metrics are flawed. A guy saying he's in a relationship doesn't mean _any_ of these things. These only apply if you try to have sex with a man and he says "no" because he has a girlfriend. Otherwise:
1) Doesn't mean that. He could be a cheater.
2) Doesn't mean that, in fact women are more likely to choose a guy that isn't nice.
3) Again, just because he says he has a girlfriend doesn't mean he's not a cheater.
4) Some men like to possess women, doesn't mean they care about them.
Also, while being distant and cold can reduce the attention of men that will assault women, it's even more effective against those that won't. Don't rely on your intuition - your traditional tests and red flags - because they're bad... recall your experiences instead.
The worst offender of all is Preselection - all the other women that chose him doesn't mean he's a good choice, they could've chosen poorly as well. The men I know in real life that have been with the most women are _always_ the MOST ABUSIVE. The ones most women think are "creepy" are the most harmless. Be conscious of this incorrect bias when making a choice.
@@TheOJDrinker "... In fact women are more likely to choose a guy that isn't nice." I hear this so often and yet can never get a source for this other than "I'm a nice person and they don't pick me." I've never picked rude or "bad boy" men. Aside from 16 year olds, I personally don't know any women that do. I'm sure there are some women who are into abusive men, but it's not the majority like you're making it out to be. And, of course "abusive" and awful men sleep with the most women, because they can't keep the charade up that long. Having a higher body count doesn't necessarily equate success with relationships. On the contrary, it's probably indicating they are bad at them or simply don't want one.
Also, advising women to ignore their red flags is a bad call and in poor taste. Sure "harmless" nerdy guess might come across as creepy and some real creeps slip through with standard "red flags" but you said ignore you intuition. What you should say is "listen to your gut above all else, because people don't fit a mold and you risk passing up good people while letting in the bad." or something like that. I think that's what you meant but it is not how it came across at all. I think your message had good intentions but it came across a bit incelly, tbh.
@@TheOJDrinker "IN FACT women are more likely to choose a guy that isn't nice" this isn't a fact bro, it's a statement founded only on anecdotes.
And no way you just tried to gaslight women with that "ignore your red flags" bs. Like yeah, a little empathy goes a long way, but you're completely forgetting the reason that women are so defensive to begin with. Ignoring red flags could literally get them killed. There are ways for women to allow men to be open with them WITHOUT them needing to ignore their red flags smh
Daily reminder that the majority of men receive flowers for the first time at their funeral.
Also, men do express their feelings to each other, but we usually don't do it in front of women because:
a) They tell us to man up.
b) They bring it up in an argument to make you feel bad, and when sensitive things are brought up, the person on the hot seat feels betrayed and hurt and would usually never open up again.
True that
Or they tell their friends Who in turn tell other people.
But yeah it’s usually B.
Expressing feelings to a woman is simply buying them ammo to use against you in the next fight.
Currently googling "manly flowers to give to men". I probably don't need to find the manly flowers but I'mma start normalising this somehow.
women want an emotionally in touch sensitive man, until he expresses any emotions they don't like. Then they use those emotions against him.
Thanks to Zan, where ever he is, for finding words that Anna and others can connect with. I am a cis-gendered man in my 50's. I have been feeling the isolation and disconnection my whole life. It really hurts. It is not what I want. It is not what I need. I am working to break out of it and living with being judged/written-off for being "Too soft" by many solialized male and still "Too Insensitive" by others as I make mistakes that come with learning something new. It is kind of nice to not see those themes in the comments so far
Maybe there is a men's group somewhere near you where you can find people who are on the same path? Also, I highly recommend the books "For the Love of Men" by Liz Plank and "Man Enough" by Justin Baldoni. There's also a Man Enough podcast that's really really good. Good luck for your journey, may you find the kind of belonging that your heart desires.
@B Thank you.
There is definitely differences in generations and socio economic level. I am Gen X who grew up in a largely working class area. These days I move in circles with highly educated wealthy millenials. Few of the elites I know now have any clue how "Hard" lot of us had to present ourselves to avoid physical violence and ridicule. I am sincerely glad you have had a different experience.
I kinda wish there was some kind of social networking app that could connect men in the same area who want to connect with other men on an intimate, deep, yet platonic level without having to be divided by the barriers of gendered social convention/expectations.
@@YourCreativeDreamer well MeetUp is still a thing..
@@diekatze3910 There are really not many mens groups, none that are institutionally backed
the reason why SA and DV statistics on male victims are lower is a similar reason that statistics for rape on female victims is lower than reality. We're socially suppressed to the point that most men won't even realize that such a thing happened to them and even the few that do end up getting laughed out of the station when they gain the courage to do so. It makes the few that get their cases taken seriously a tiny fraction of the real statistic.
I am male. I was a victim of DV. I didn’t report it.
1/4 women. 1/6 men. The stats aren’t really all that far apart, but you only ever hear about one of them.
Actually women are incentivized the last 20 years to claim Sexual assault or domestic violence , it gives them clout as a victim do to the culture of victimhood olympics .
That is why most women believe if a man dont hit her he dont love her , because they want the clout and to say to other women how much they were abused by a evil man this brings them attention and clout ,women love attention.
@@petrri323and it's still underreported by a large margin. No support system or shelters as well.
When you look at the way they report stories of female pedos it's appalling, if she's even a little attractive people will talk about how lucky the young boy was to be SA'd by "the hot teacher". Sickening.
Now imagine being a black or brown man from the hood and instead of being greeted with aloofness or coldness from strangers of all genders you're met with open hostility. And a third of the people you did manage to get close to end up dying at a young age from shootings or car accidents.
Almost everyone you interact with, even other people who look like you, see you as a threat because the neighborhood where you live is genuinely dangerous and they've encountered too many strangers who actually did hurt them. All the while you feel like you're in constant danger because strangers have assaulted you just for dressing a certain way or walking down the street.
My bf is from south central LA and the other day he told me he keeps everyone at arms length (except me) because he saw so many classmates die growing up and if he doesn't get emotionally invested it won't hurt when they're gone. These men experience the same threat of constant danger that women do and the same social isolation men do and on top of all that they also have the trauma of seeing their family/friends/coworkers/classmates die.
I also wondered myself if Zan was a POC. We are absolutely perceived as threatening, and the way most news covers us over the years certainly doesn't help. Has a lot of people feeling like they just encountered a wild animal and aren't sure if they are about to be killed. Should they run? Hide? Pretend like everything is fine? Strike first just in case? Very sad and a huge reason why we're simultaneously a minority but also somehow seem to make up a huge number of the people getting killed.
as black guy in london i can relate
damn
.
Nah, we’re not that weak. Don’t project your bfs insecurities onto all of us.
At 5:30 she states "Yes, women are the majority of victims of murders." Let me correct that: "According to the data given by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, worldwide, 78.7% of homicide victims are men, and in 193 of the 202 listed countries or regions, men were more likely to be killed than women." - Wikipedia with credible sources linked. So no, women aren't the majority of victims or murders.
Yea it seems she actually got brainwashed by the internet.
@@migueljuarez6788 think she got brainwashed by her gender studies classes
Glad someome corrected the record on that
Your clarification is appreciated. I remember thinking she was wrong.
"Men think their desperation is personal weakness as oppose to a symptom of white imperialism...anyway, thank you to my daddy Squarespace for sponsoring this misleading and boring Ted talk."
As a man, we know we're emotionally starved. We used to be kids with parents and friends that helped fulfill those emotional needs. It's just that, by adulthood, it all stops, and we just deal with it.
You give up after a while. I'm a big guy and I've learned to make sure I give women space, don't block doorways, don't loom. Careful careful careful. And it's not their fault. If only 1/1000 guys were dangerous to me I'd still have my guard up against the other 999 myself. But it creates a lonely world.
Just need to do our part to reduce abuse against women and maybe they'll feel safe to open up more. Teenage girls were pretty keen to come and sleep over and be your best friend. Bit of a clue that that freedom stops dead by the time high school is over.
but do you actually "deal with it"? Im a trans Woman, and I lived Zen's story the other way around and to this Day I see my male Friends struggling, and it always stunned me how men have "just deal with it " attitude when this "dealing with" often means shuving it all deep down and pretend it was never there, even when a hand is given, they more often than not Will reject. It is the male fragility paradox, where malehood is extremely fragile,men are aware of this fragility and wish it to be different but Will never behave in a way to actually deal with and overcome because that would show fragility on their part and they dont want to appear fragile cuz they believe it is wrong to be so as men.
@@luluhammer because we need help. How can we PROPERLY deal with something we don't fully understand and the general population doesn't acknowledge?
Yeah, because people end up just busy and you don't wanna to a bother. So you just move on active friends become less and less
@@luluhammer Unfortunately not. Which is why I'm sure me and many other guys feel somewhat depressed everyday and probably getting worse.
Tbh this is why men always choose the dog in the "me or the dog" ultimatum-- the dog is more capable of treating us like a person
The dog won’t cold shoulder you. It’ll give you everything you need.
We’ll enjoy our dogs while they enjoy their bears haha
Iv seen that discussion hundreds of times shared on facebook
Women also choose the dog
@@ninifire4282 I could see that, dogs are just generally more likable than people lol
@@blep668 Not the vibe I was going for.
It's so weird how men's issues do not matter unless women or trans people are talking about it... Even then though it's not real empathy all it really is "why can't men handle stuff like women" type of energy so basically it's your fault for feeling unloved and depressed fellas.
As a girl I've noticed this too!! It's usually women talking about toxic masculinity, especially the way it affects men (the way they THINK it does) and I feel like it's doing more harm than good. I really hope more of us would realize it so we could do something about it. It's like putting words in someone else's mouth without even listening to them first
Don't ever expect empathy and understanding as a man from a feminist. Their entire ideology is built on "men are bad and everything bad is their fault". That's why no matter what the topic is it will always conclude with "men's fault" or blame "toxic masculinity".
@@ithil-maril9141 Men tend to be ridiculed or accused of being sexist when talking about their own issues. And I say this as a left wing person, anyone being objective will acknowledge this. It's very sad.
even worse than that -- if men gather to discuss men's issues, you frequently find a very aggressive woman demanding access to the space to ensure you only discuss "approved" topics with "expected" outcomes. it's sad 'cause we can never make actual progress with that kind of attitude. don't get me wrong, women are welcomed into those spaces, but only as spectators -- otherwise the men shut down and shut up.
💯💯💯💯
the crazy part is how a transman tells everyone how cis men MUST FEEL instead of listening to cis men. almost like we tell you exactly how we feel but you don't listen
i would still say this is inaccurate tho. if anything i've been missing dude energy from other men lately.
Fax
It’s very inaccurate. The only accurate thing they got is that everyone looks at you like a threat. The conclusions about not wanting to hug other men being due to homophobia and the not expressing emotions being due to white supremacy are complete garbage 😂
We are what we are they need to stop telling us being more like women is better and accept us the way we are as much as they want to be accepted for who they are
What's a cis man?
Empathy and compassion often only extend as far as the similarities between two people.
I dislike how we, as men, are told to be more in contact with our feelings, but when one does that publicly, there are people shouting "male tears", but what is worse, some of those people are the same ones who want men to be more emotional.
Yeah and see how many people would try to cheer crying stranger women and how many people would try to cheer stranger man.
To be honest, women are just hypocrits, by telling all these things about showing feelings.
EVERY MAN shows his emotions in public at least once and they regret it. Not becasue he did it, but becasue how society treat him for that. Specially women, who would probably never look at that man as a man and potential partner in future.
Progressive hypocrisy..
The only time I ever saw my dad cry was when he was asked to sign a DNR form for my half brother. He bawled uncontrollably for about 30 seconds.
This kind of cuts to the heart of the issue, doesn't it? A big piece of this wave of feminism is deconstructing masculinity because women feel it inherently gets in their way, but I for one am not convinced of that, nor am I sure your average girl really believes that either. Women still value high performers and want to be in a relationship with a man who makes them feel safe, and one who seems to have a plan no matter how small a thing it is because he therefore makes life easier for her. There are exceptions, but that's the rule. We don't have to exclude or bully women to accomplish that.
So then you have guys gravitating to the alt right because the left doesn't make room for them while the alt right talking heads gas them up about how we need to take America back to a simpler time in which men had value, which is a completely impossible task and an empty promise.
@@nitroluver4l591 i can't imagine that pain
Exactly where does "white imperialism" enter into this?
Nowhere.
the person writing the comment is probably white themselves and does not have the knowledge or willingness to learn about other cultures, so they think everything revolves around white culture, it is a common trope I see when Americans talk about society, they genuinely don't know if non-English speaking countries act similar to them or not (yes, we do, all humans have the same flaws)
lol
I had the same thought.
Is it in the room with us anyone?
because patriachy, white imperialism, is always to blame, buzz buzz
All my life I have been told that I am "too nice" and that because I am too nice, I must be up to something, that I must have a hidden agenda. Yeah, thinking you're cool and interesting and trying to make friends is my hidden agenda. It is the "curse" of being male. Thank you, Anna, you are wonderfully insightful and inspiring!
Damn, I know exactly how you feel.
My god, I relate to this so much! Thanks for the solidarity here.
This was me before uni, I just stopped being super nice and began to prioritize my self first instead cause it was so hurtful hearing the must be up to something
Nobody ever tells a woman that they're "too nice" unless it's that they're being "too nice" to strange males to try and scare them that it's somehow harmful and risky.
That's not only related to your gender, it's true in general, people tend to distrust people who they find to be "too nice", call it an instinct. Depends on many things, genders yes, also where you grew up, your experiences, what family in and so on. So no need to take it personal
This reminds me of a lesbian author named Nora that lived as a man for 6 months. She came to the pretty much the same conclusions, was a lot more sympathetic to men, and wound up having to go to intense therapy afterward because of the damage this 6 month period caused.
Really? Do you know her full name?
@@chloewinfrey I just looked it up, her name is Nora Vincent and she wrote the book Self-Made Man. There she documents the whole experience and the trauma it caused her afterward.
@@RicochetForce Thanks for making the effort to find it for me. Very grateful 😊I also found out that she killed herself recently (assisted death)... So sad
@@chloewinfrey You're welcome! And wow, I did not know that latest bit of information about her. That is really sad.
What should be added, is that she was malicious in that she basically manipulated men into building relations, by lying about her identity, about how she's someone she never was, in order to write her book aka for her own profit/agenda. Pure misandry.
We are all victims of sexism in some way, just some more than others.
The only solution is what it actually destroys: empathy.
Got it in one, bro. Sexism, patriarchy? It's a double-edged sword, and no one walks away unscathed. It doesn't make sense to live like this, when we have the tools to dismantle the sword, and empathy and compassion are both possible.
Sadly sometimes people dont even have empathy for themselves. Like an alcoholic father who only options to relive stress is to beat their children and drinking, rejecting help or anything that would make them perceive differently from the tiny boundary they created in their own head. Trapped as they never been taught to take in new information all their lives.
@@rachelfox8108 how do you equate sexism with patriachy? sexism is a real thing that genders develop towards each other when empathy is missing.
patriarchy is a political term to force a divide can and does that lead to said lack of empathy.
there is no orchestrated plot among males to keep women down, there is just biological preferences towards certain tasks and an unfortuanet economical situation that makes "male" tasks financially more scalable and therefore more lucrative than "female" tasks, although both are equally as important.
@@matthiasdahms7 I have to disagree with you. Sexism and Patriarchy are real and come from the same place. It’s not a “plot” from men towards women, the same way the term is not made up to divide and confront us. It’s something built in society for thousands of years.
What you say is “unfortunate”, it’s just a consequence of that.
There is no gender war or confrontation. The lack of empathy makes us take it personally and feel attacked and act defensively because we don’t fully understand the other side.
The truth is, we still need to learn a lot as society to fix the mistakes that are in our roots.
@@Oscar_AH
what is the patriarchy exactly?
males have a preference to concern themselves with things, women have a preference to concern themselves with people. caring about people is very important, but it is not something that can make you rich in a capitalistic environment because you can not make caring more timeefficient. things howevery, invention and production, are scaleable and sellable on global levels which is what creates wealth.
the only place where i have to agree with you that there is an actual deliberate sexist structure keeping women down is in religious institutions.
anyway, unless you find that these preferences have been deliberately conditioned on women by men, i don't see a reason to believe in the existance of a patriarchy.
as a socialist and atheist i really see myself standing against sexist devisiveness but these neosocialliberal terms that keep demonising one gender are a political armsraces that is really backfiring.
How do women have worse and faker friendships at the same time as they have deeper and more emotionally fulfilling friendships? The narratives are clashing.
... by having more than one friend... lol
@@van4195 *faints out of laugh* I genially love responds like this. It's comically simple, and at the same time somehow extremely violent.
honestly, I love your comment
I'm mostly very warm and welcoming to any guys I meet (sometimes more so than towards woman because they make me feel insecure). Unfortunately this often leads to the guy thinking I'm flirting or hitting on him. The theory that men are usually met with a more cold and distances attitude would definitely explain why a little bit of niceness so quickly leads to that kind of impression on their end.
It's also because a lot of men don't experience friendship the way we do. All of the nice things we do for our female friends we wanna do for our male friends to but if none of your friends treated you with that level of care and love it make sense to assume otherwise.
@@winterg5093 I agree.
If you never experience something like that / arent used to it at all you are immediately attracted to someone being so kind to you.
Truth be told in highschool when talking to one of my female friends we essentially came to to conclusion that I would fall for anyone willing to show me the bare minimum amount of affection. Women who said they wanted to date me immediately got a “yes” with full commitment even if I had barely given them the time of day before. I could’ve dated any one of my female friends if I didn’t actively set up a wall in my head separating people I want to keep as friends and romantic interests.
I’m 24 and this year is the first time I’ve ever rejected people despite the affection they showed me. I imagine it’s a lot worse for men who don’t regularly get affection from the opposite sex.
In a life of cold shoulders, a little bit of warmth feels like a sign. Also doesn't help that our culture expects women to make hints and men to make the first move. Things would be so much better for everyone if anyone could just make the first move.
I've definitely seen this, just as a guy growing up where like 90% of my friends were girls. I grew up always connecting more and relating more to women than men, and going from being seen as a boy to being seen as a man has honestly been one of the hardest things mentally for me, because I feel like there's just this massive obstacle course between me, as a man, and any sort of platonic relationship with women that was never there when I was younger. It's felt incredibly isolating always being seen as a potential threat. Another thing that I've seen many guys go through, is when they take kids out to the park, or play games with their nieces and nephews in public, people will see it as potentially predatory because of being a man. It's just extremely alienating and exhausting.
I can understand when you're trying to talk to women they might see you as a potential threat. That to me makes sense because they don't always know what you'll do to them. But a kid with a man, I feel society should give more leeway to that. There are kids who do spend a lot of time with their father or uncles, and they're part of the family, so I don't get how people can look at a man with a kid and think "potential predator" when that kid could very well see him as a father figure.
This just proves the patriarchy isn't serving anyone!
@@GregXHunterz A kid with a man? Give more leeway? The kid might see the man as a father figure? I can't even. Most abuse happen like this. For a healthy good guy like you it might sound crazy but the reality is that you should be looking at your own family when protecting your kids, nobody should be close to them and everybody is suspicious. Man, woman, i don't care. If you truly care for a kid you should be thankful if they distrust you a little bit and decide later if they trust you or not. Keep your child safe from predators, because while you're not one, your best friend might have been one all this time and you never know. It's always someone who is trusted by people. It's exhausting to be always on the look out but the trauma is always worse. Trust me i know, you can never trust or see people the same way again. And it's almost always the family who abuses children.
@@Faboostic I see what you mean, but I think GregXHunters was assuming a situation when one sees an unknown man with an unknown child and feels a little (or not a little) apprehension because children are more often to be seen with both parents or mother only. Not exactly about how to structure the environment around your own kid. I might be wrong though
That's on them, not on you.
Wow, I literally got womansplained about the male experience.
I too have noticed that even though the topic was being a man, both the author and this Anna girl found a way to make it about themselves and portray themselves as being the victim.
LMAOO
@@canada420mma “Men have problems too, conclusion: women most affected”
Men are crying out for help, and instead of their message being heard, women "figure out" what our problems are from THEIR perspectives and try to make it all about them. Meanwhile men continue to be blamed for everything and ground into the dirt by society. The irony is unbelievable.
Literally.
I'm grateful that I met my wife in high school and didn't need to deal with the dating pool, especially today.
There's a good reason why men are offing ourselves at pandemic numbers. Loneliness is more dangerous than fentanyl.
Fentanyl is merely the symptom
Fentanyl understands Women don't.
No one’s required to be with y’all creepy lonely creepy men. Cry about it. Think about what minorities and the lgbt community to through. You have first world problems. There’s People ACTUALLY suffering in this world
@@nathansiegel6799 woman don’t need to understand. Bc they aren’t objects required to be with you. Leave them alone weirdo
@@nathansiegel6799 damn heavy 🪨
Privilege is invisible to the privileged
It really isn't. The issue is really that america is a nation of narcissists
That's how patriarchy work
@@barnaliadhikary9421no, it isn't. This is more on the line of how your narcissistic mind works.
You know. Being incapable of seeing how kind people are to you and how much they actually try to help.
@@ghfudrs93uuu Narcissism is imbedded in patriarchy.
@@barnaliadhikary9421 if the patriarchy is real every garbage collector would be females
As a guy, I feel like I'm not allowed to express genuine anger or frustration because people will perceive me as violent, threatening, and retaliatory, even if I'm not doing anything remotely violent and have no intent to. I just have to bottle it up and release it somewhere else if I can. Also, expressing any emotion other than being happy, makes me be seen as inferior, weak, "negative," and a loser. Every time a woman tells me that it's ok for me to have emotions, it always turns out to be that I can only have them as they relate to HER emotions, and within acceptable parameters as defined by her, otherwise I've gotta pack it up because I need to "man up." It feels like other people, especially women, treat me like an object for their entertainment and validation and I can't have any validation of my own-genuine validation.
This is the reason I don't talk to women unless I genuinely love their friendship. Mainly because I am not interested in validating them by listening. I'm more than a pair of ears.
Yeah I felt this too in my own experience with my mother, where a person says that you can vent to them, and to always stand up for yourself, but then that same person you stand up against ends up being the one that tries to tell you how you SHOULD feel and that your wrong, which in that case was her saying a sexier remark that “men are dangerous” but when I got mad at that remark by pointing out how people only view men as dangerous, but women can also be dangerous yet people ignore when a woman does something such as assault, murder, or rape, she said that I shouldn’t be offended by facts because there are stats that say that men take up the majority of crime, and that I was invalidating women for that.
Yeah these feelings of having to bottle up your emotion don’t necessarily come from nowhere, people just don’t really wanna hear a dude vent, or speak out, or display any emotion, especially anger or else it means that your violent.
same here dude
As a mulatto, I get this thrown in my face any time I get frustrated or angry.
People always draw conclusions based on my looks and think Im going have a raging tantrum and curbstomp people. I admit I have an imposing stature, but it comes with the territory of looking "dangerous".
Dont ask me. I dont even know whatever the fk that means
The key to expressing anger etc is to learn to be assertive, in my opinion.
Anger tells you some boundary has been crossed or a standard violated - basically something unacceptable has happened.
You need to be clear on what boundary has been violated, what you need to happen, state your case firmly but calmly, and make sure there are consequences if things continue to be unacceptable. It's like channelled and controlled aggression.
Obviously your standards/expectations need to be fair and reasonable, and you have to keep your emotions in check (you can't look angry and one breath away from murdering someone, for example). You can't be threatening.
But if something is unacceptable then you need to calmly assert your boundaries and follow it up with consequences, which a lot of people have never been shown how to do.
I think a lot of anger actually comes from frustration and perceived helplessness to do anything about the situation, mainly because people undermined our efforts to assert our boundaries when we were growing up.
But being able to confidently assert your boundaries is very empowering and then you don't feel helpless, frustrated or angry, because you can just ask for what you need, basically, without trying to force or persuade someone to give it to you
Anyway, try developing assertiveness and see how it works for you.
As a trans woman, I can absolutely confirm every last bit of his statement. Living as a man was cold, scary, and really lonely. Since my transition, the flood of affection, support, even the amount of physical touch from friends has been so great that it's overwhelming at times. THIS is what I always needed, and deep down, I always knew I did. I can't imagine what it's like to have that all my life & then lose it, just to feel more comfortable in my own body. UGH. My heart...
All of this feelings stuff is big waste of time. People (especially women) need to stop talking about their feelings 24/7. This would solve many problems. Just learn to be independent.
@@fuerstmetternich1997 He said "just isolate yourself and turn off your feelings. Stop being human, nobody cares how you feel. Feelings cause so many problems. I've been hurt but I'm refusing to acknowledge that so I'll blame human emotions instead."
your brain makes every decision based on feelings@@fuerstmetternich1997
Congrats, you found female privilege
@@carmenl9682 I think that's an inaccurate way to 'quote' somebody lol. But seriously though, there is such a thing as sitting too much in your feelings and sharing with others becoming a bit of a non-sensical circle jerk. I would say being 'independent' refers to person's capacity to provide self care, self-soothe and motivate - don't rely on others because most people are not equipped to actually help you. This is factual. In my experience this happens frequently enough with females, let alone men. Feelings are great, but life isn't all about feelings. Be rational, be a problem solver, if you can build a life that meets your needs take it and if you can't then pursue it. Its not about ignoring emotions but its about using them as fuel to do better in life.
I also think it’s a little telling - that it took this message coming from a trans man (a member of a largely marginalised group) to gain this sort of traction from this community. Often if a man was to bring attention to the same topics they would be written off as an incel/pickme/nice guy etc.
The concept of hating men even as a “joke” I think has led to them not being taken seriously - even in the face of real struggles like emotional needs not being met. I don’t know who needs to hear it but - listen to men.
Women do need to listen to men more often (when they are being serious, as many use humour and joking around to deflect vulnerability). In many ways, some women have become hypocritical. Sexualising men for example: it is seen as totally acceptable in many circles, but flip the genders and it's easy to see the error.
you are right. i’ve seen influencers in the “manosphere” who do bring up valid struggles, but they also post very misogynistic, non empathetic content all the time, so obviously no one cares when they’re actually right.
Accurate comment.. not to devalidate this trans man's journey. It's quite courageous of them to open up. But a cis man, opening up about such, who's lived being a man their entire life would not garner the same attention. 80% of successful suicides are men. But no one wants to talk about that...
women are fundamentally unable to understand us, anyway. They will put everything we say into their own perspective of "how would that benefit ME", not "how can I help HIM".
@@minsqi Yup.
On the other hand, sometimes "[woman?]spherers" do a similar thing. I think we can say misandry and misogyny are connected very closely. How long it will take people to realize we must eliminate both, idk. Hopefully sooner.
The constant treatment as if I'm a potential predator is HUGE. I totally understand why people would treat me that way, but I hate the feeling.
But the perception is bs. Women are comparatively just as abusive as men. They also cheat at the same rates. Men are the overwhelming victims of all violent crimes. I mean you could say $exual assault but if you factor in r@pe in jail the overwhelming majority of victims would be men.
@@Nazrel98 Avoiding is fine, but bothers me is having to worry about scaring someone else (possibly wrongfully targeted/attacked) while not being a creepy asshole. I've been running and turned just to avoid running up behind a woman while jogging.
I was no threat, her perceiving me as a threat was the greatest issue.
I’m kinda torn here, because I feel like I understand it, but I also feel like this logic is only ever used on men and that we are seen inherently as predators that will do horrid acts to you. This logic isn’t just used on strangers in general, meaning that both men and women can be potential threats to you, no, it’s just used on men because on average we are bigger, but again, women are not seen as threats at all in first place, and are not seen as potential murders and whatnot, even if that woman is a stranger.
@@anotherrandomguy8871 Women are overrated
@@anotherrandomguy8871 ^^THIS^^
As a woman, I am here to tell you that not all female relationships are genuine and where you can really talk about your feelings, etc. A lot of them are superficial and several women I have met have had nefarious intentions. Women are just more covert in their aggression.
Okay yea this I agree with. I seen a lot of women's dynamic and they are somewhat open in comparison to the men's dynamic I see but ultimately there's really no difference.
Are you sure you aren't talking about HS and like beginning of college/uni years? bc I swear that has not been my experience at all. I talk to lots of ppl and if you aren't hanging with cliques that does not happen.
@@jclyntoledo Some adults sadly do carry that into their adult years. I guess it just depends who you hang out with. My uni friends are all sweet but my neighbours (fully grown adults with kids & even grankids) can be toxic and passive as hell.
Absolutely. I consider myself very kind and out going and have 0 friends because of this. When I go out yes, I do chat with the occasional women I come in contact with, but men do the same from what I’ve seen 🤷🏼♀️
Sadly there are some female relationships that are not genuine, but my experience is a bit different. I feel like I know a huge amount of really nice and open girls, I am friends with some of them, and even if we are not friends yet with others, I feel safe when I am around them. But, of course, occasionally I meet ungenuine people, but they just get out of my life very quickly.
1:20 Man, that almost made me cry because, yes. I have always been emotionally starving. It a gradual thing at first, when you are still a child, your parents give you fewer and fewer hugs and eventually they are almost nonexistent.
This is why every dad who doesn't want a cat/dog falls in love with it. Men have a lot of love to give and no "acceptable" way to express it.
Oh man. My fiance swore that he hated cats. Introduce a tiny kitten I named "Max," who purred as loud as a freight train and curled up in his arms. He melted (my fiance, that is, not the cat, lol.) It was seriously endearing. Interesting point you made.
Cars !
"Men have a lot of love to give and no "acceptable" way to express it." This x100.
That’s not why, it’s because men understand responsibility. You learn to love the dog your wife forces on you because you have no choice and he’s not going anywhere, not because he would’ve ever gotten a dog or would have felt he can’t.
Truth brother
Men aren’t damaged or “emotionally starved” bruh we just have a different mentality as women, we can understand when we’re alone and show emotion differently when people are around. We’re used to the fact that people think we’re “dangerous murderers who run the world” and all we can do is just hope we don’t put out that image when walking down the street. Basically, we’re used to it, but obviously if your transitioning into a man from a woman, you’ll still be used to getting hugs and compliments everyday from strangers/friends. It’s a sad reality that you can only understand if you were born a man and grow up as one, but there’s in no way something wrong with us.
Stay up king 👑
Right men just need a little empathy, and a little respect, and we’ll be fine
Damn right! Women always assume we have the same needs as them, but the fact is our brains are wired differently from them.
ya damn right, thanks for saying it
Homie I can say that I am not used to "it". It's so draining.I don't like the fact that I'm automatically seen as a potential danger to some random woman I'm walking passed on the street. Sure we guys are wired differently, but the society at large still paints a very skewed idea or image of a man.
As a man, I genuinely feel like living this life alone. This does not feel like living together with other people. I live side by side with them. Sometimes interact. Sometimes for longer. But there genuinely is no deep personal connection.
@@Cha4k same
Same. I'm exhausted with expending my time and energy only for people to dip out all of a sudden. Trying to connect with others just doesn't seem worth it anymore.
I thought that's what everyone feels like (except if you are a parent I guess)
Don't you have good friends?
I cried at my grandfather's funeral and three different family members went up to my mum to express how concerned they were that I cried. You'd think if they were concerned they'd try and comfort me, maybe offer a hug like everyone was doing with my female cousins, but not a single person did. That showed me how truly alone I was.
This seems so silly but worth posting - take picture of your guy friends. So many guys have no pictures of them and their friends and are so happy when they get included.
I am constantly taking pictures and videos of them and just send them all. It helps them remember happy times and also if they are single, they have nice pictures for their profiles and don't need weird selfies. Win-win-win
I think I might cry wow
This is such a nice thing to do! I love it.
I agree! Photos are very important. Not just saying this because I am a photographer :D
Wish i was taken pics of...
Omg I'm so gonna do this! Tnx
It's true that as a man I don't want to expose weaknesses to strangers because they will use it against me (I have a lot of examples). But what this post is missing is that men have an emotional connection with their friends. We are not robots, just cold toward strangers.
Good point, and I think this also applies to most friends.
I'm learning not to make self-deprecating jokes, because people will seize on them to accuse me of being whatever I was joking about, or will repeat the joke to strangers they are introducing me to, and the strangers won't understand it was just a joke of mine that s/he is quoting, and will treat me like garbage as a result.
Or if I say I've been feeling irritable, people will treat me as if I had been irritable, even if I had been perfectly nice to them.
I don't understand this species.
I'd say the same applies for women though - I don't think it's exclusively a male problem.
@@myblacklab7 Hahaha I know all of this all too well. I used to make self-deprecating jokes all the time but I never do it with acquaintances now.
@@lowkey276 Conversely, it's funny how many people will react positively to self-aggrandizing jokes, even when they are way over-the-top, and even when they are insulting to 99.999999% of everyone. Yesterday I jokingly told a family member, "I'm better than everyone else" without any negative consequences or pushback. LOL.
A lot of men have few or no friends. Consider yourself lucky.
I'd say we shouldn't call it weakness, but vulnerability. I used to never share these feelings but once I started to, it was a big relief and I had the most support from guys, although the girls weren't negative with me (but they were friends, not girlfriends). It's always better to go step by step and not just pur everything out the first time you talk and see if the other person shares too. That can lead to mutual trust building up and it's worth it. It's made a huge difference in my life.
As an asian, it sounded kind of ridiculous that the user blamed it on white imperialism. There are so many diverse cultures of the past, MANY of them having the same level of "toxic masculinity" or push it to more extremes like "you have to kill a bull or cut off part of your ear or you aren't a man and won't get any women". One of the huge differences is that for milennia, men have had to be pillars of the community because it was necessary for survival. That sense of community gave men purpose and belonging and base levels of socialization. Now with our extreme technological progression, that role has fallen out of necessity for many people. Both men and women suffer socially from the large amount of isolation and lack of community of the modern age, but you almost always see men in the extreme cases of loneliness where they don't feel like they can reach out and nobody seems to reach out towards them either. It just breeds hatred for themselves and incel behaviour. It's no coincidence that people like andrew tate and self improvement 'gurus' have become so popular in the new age of the internet.
I felt the same way when she said white imperialism as if the role of a man is limited to white people only lmao
@@nickmillette2966she's a brainwashed liberal.
Yeah that was pretty incredible, elaboration on it either
She had to blame something patriarchal because otherwise she might have to consider that men stratify into hierarchies and are dehumanized based on their utility to others because that's how women pick which men get to experience love, intimacy, have a family, etc. The male social dominance hierarchy is mate competition. In all human cultures, this is true. Even in the one or two allegedly matriarchal cultures, this is true.
In all Great Apes other than Bonobos, this is true. Bonobos are the only Great Apes that don't gatekeep sex and intimacy, and they just so happen to be Matriarchal, because the males have no reason to compete when sex is freely available, but females have their offspring to worry about so they form hierarchies to secure resources for them.
@@nickmillette2966imperialism, maybe. WHITE imperialism? it’s not that special lol.
Blaming male loneliness on "homophobia" and even "white imperialism" is probably the most psycho thing I've heard this month.
The Ministry of Truth has spoken.
it's because even though this transman is trying to be "one of the guys" they're still fundamentally thinking from a feminine point of mental origin, wherein they cannot blame any societal problems on women, feminism, or the "sisterhood". That would be social suicide. So remember: even if it's women's fault, no it isn't, it's actually men's fault. Even if it's two gold star lesbians domestically abusing each other in the wilderness on the island of Lesbos, it's still men's fault.
Ironically, I suspect men were closer to each other during the days of ultra-homophobia a couple hundred years ago than they are now, simply because the thought of it rarely, if ever, entered the equation. These days if you're too close people start wondering. Close male friendships were more acceptable when people never considered romantic relationships there an option.
Blaming it on "toxic masculinity" has also had it's bad effects on men.
I think that has a lot to do with how one interprets it, while it's meant to convey that there are ways in which men are normally socialized that is toxic, which is definitely true, it often gets interpreted as being masculine - and by extension being a man - is inherently toxic. It doesn't help that there is a common animosity towards men and that this animosity is generally socially acceptable, but the real concept behind the words "toxic masculinity" is valid.
@@MsNikeNike toxic masculinity is only valid If toxic femininity is and if toxic femininity was real we should be spending as much effort stamping that out as toxic masculinity
@@BuryMeInBabylon preach bro
Exactly
Toxic Masculinity is a term used by men haters, and throwing that phrase around only makes things worse.
As a trans woman I can say that I agree with most points ahah, but my experience as a boy going thru puberty was atypical so I dunno if it really can apply. For instance, I had mostly girl friends and was from a very young age already claiming my sexuality ( I'm bi, 24 and have came out as bi at 15 ) which meant that most men and women were already treating me relatively differently in High school. Queer men aren't treated the exact same way straight men are. Well if they appear queer enough...
I started transitioning at 20 and tho my first year of transition didn't really change how people perceived me, it now feels completely different. Women don't fear me sitting next to them in public transport, they are super okay and amicable when I talk to a stranger, I can sense that they don't speak with the same tone even. They accept my genuine compliments and usually say something nice back, instead of telling me they have a boyfriend. And even though I have noticed that difference and realized how it made me feel to be treated as a potential predator by default, I have adopted that same behaviour now because it probably is necessary for us :/.
Some men really won't leave you alone and act scary around you. I guess everyone needs a reality check actually ahah
this was so insightful, thank you :)
I’m bi and very straight passing and it’s always interesting the way people change their view of me and how they approach/interact with me once my sexuality is made known
Not a trans but a tomboy who pass as a guy most of the times (specially when my hair is super short), my experience as being proceeded as a male was an eye opener
Specially in public transport, i have been treated like a predator, looked at weirdly, expected to give my place and never offered a seat even when i am at my weakest (i look pail and about to faint when on my period)
At the same time i felt safer, being proceeded as a guy gave me the luxury of using public transport at late hours without feeling threatened or being threatened, i was able to hold decent conversation with guys without worrying about them misunderstanding my kindness or respect as a sign of flirting
Seems to me like these male privileges and female privileges really just have their pros and cons in of themselves.
You do realize men are physically assaulted much more then females. If a male predator sees you as a easy target single male he will assault you with a greater amount of force then he would if he knows your female. One punch from even an average size man can knock you down and out.
Don't be naive, being a guy in no way shape or form gives you the "luxury" of riding public transportation safe at night. Man or woman you should always keep your head on a swivel at night. Lone men get robbed and or assaulted all the time.
Public transport at night is not safe for men, or women.
Do you think you have an Iron issue? Feeling like your about to faint on your period sounds like it could be a serious issue, not trying to be a doctor but looking into if lack of iron in your blood stream is a cause of that issue could help.
I’m very proud of this man for speaking up about this, but I will say I’m very disappointed with society. It took a transgender man for society to pay attention and care about this?
I survived an abusive relationship , and tried so hard to find a shoulder to cry on….to no avail. Women either made fun of me for being “weird” (I mean I was broken!!), or avoided me for being “creepy,” and I had to move on fully on my own
Meanwhile my abusive ex simply said “my ex boyfriend lied and broke promises!!!” And everybody and their mother invited her out to do fun things
I spent the last 6.5 years in the medical field, watching people 86 on me, and wanted somebody to come home to - I was called an entitled incel for being sad
I’m not saying women have it easy, but I am saying men don’t have it easy, either. Especially men who want emotional connections
I'll say it. Women don't get it. When they do, they kill themselves. Norah Vincent for example
It always goes south when one person over confidently analyzes what being man is just from the person's own experience and without even talking with other men about it. 😂
yea its like shes almost there but not rly.
Still asking a woman what men want and what men experience.
is this womansplaining?
exactly, but I bet you she doesn't want to do that because it'll turn her feminist opinions and perspectives off the rail, she's a joke
Talking to men??? Like they're people??? Eww...
As a female, I have never experienced instant camaraderie with other women. (Thanks, social anxiety.) I tend to connect when men talk about loneliness, although minus being perceived as a threat. In my experience women are socially allowed to act friendly toward another female they don't know, but that doesn't make forming genuine connections easier.
same, if you don't have nurturing parents to teach you emotional intelligence it's the same. I was mocked for crying until I stopped, I wasn't comforted or helped through processing emotions, I was only allowed to express anger if any. So I relate to men in a lot of ways.
The difference is men have social anxiety, around all female. Especially think about how media has completey strip us of any dignity. Male has been protecting women from being in awful work conditions.
Yeah, in my experience, it's just made it harder to tell who's a friend and who's just being polite and who's actually trying to creep on me
"In my experience women are socially allowed to act friendly toward another female they don't know, but that doesn't make forming genuine connections easier."
I think by definition this almost has to make it "easier," but not trivial... It can still be hard and social anxiety can be a barrier to entry for genuine friendships that women have... But... Being a man AND having social anxiety is worse than being a woman AND having social anxiety, and the ability to start on friendly terms does in fact make genuine connection formation easier.
This isn't just random bullshit easier, there are studies showing this to be true:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5738126/
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3135672/
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4067132/
www.jstor.org/stable/522703
@@KodousinxThe majority of men most of the time only talk to females when they are attracted to them and it isn't about genuine connection but biological. That is why so many women are so rude to men when they approach and when we say we aren't interested the men then avoid us and want anything to do with us anymore.
I am really thankful for the trans man for putting this out there but at the same time, men have been saying this for a very long time but it's always been brushed aside, but hey I'm glad it's finally being talked about. The only issue now is the solution, every time I see toxic masculinity brought up, women always repeat the same ideas, "men are told not to cry, men are told to repress their emotions, men don't have physical interaction with their male friends" but they never ask the men for their opinion. Interaction between men and women is vastly different, and I can guarantee having men act like women is not gonna solve anything. Some of these issues are deeply rooted and there is no quick fix to it.
Also repeatedly calling the one thing that holds us together and gives us a sense of camaraderie is now being labeled toxic and poisonous. Not saying masculinity doesn't have issues but to be called toxic just for being me is just salt on the wound.
Expressing your emotions isn’t acting like a woman.
@@brownskinalsi845 I agree. What I meant by that is, more and more we're starting to idealise feminine behaviours and characteristics behaviour in school, leading to many young boys falling behind. Rough and tumble play, competitive sports and "competitive" games like tag and thief and police are shunned. Reading action or comic books are seen as "lesser" reading material even though boys tend to gravitate towards them more, leading to a stunned interest in reading from an early age. Play time over all is reduced for indoor studying, which also doesn't bode well for more active children (mostly young boys). The result is, young and teenage boys falling behind in school, with no goals and interests to push them. With more and more broken families in our society, these boys also don't have good role models at home to set an example, to make up for things that the schools can't provide. No easy way to solve these issues, there are some benefits to the things I mentioned above but we have to realise they come at the cost and until we recognise that we can't solve this issue. And by the way, boys do show their emotions, these emotions are often uncivilised as they were never taught how to adequately confront them, and learn from them, to be a better part of society. They were never taught that their emotions aren't the problem but it's the way they handle them.
Also whenever a man talks about his problems as a man women just pull the “oh poor you your life as a man is so hard” card because they think women just have it so much worse
@@thecarbonworks3539 hm. I see. Okay. I do have a question though (a question you don’t have to answer) but where are you from? I’m in Georgia, and I don’t necessarily see any of the things you’re talking about. Then again though, I haven’t been everywhere so 🤷♂️. Okay then.
@@thecarbonworks3539 adding on, I think, imo, we should idealize feminine (and masculine) characteristics and behaviors everywhere. Femininity is undervalued while masculinity is overvalued (hence why boys being feminine is wrong but girls being masculine is okay). I may be biased because I have a gender neutral mindset about personality traits (girls can be rough, boys can be sensitive) but I do believe having masc and fem traits help build kids. In my belief, you can’t have masculine without feminine. Balancing those masc and fem traits can help a lot. I do agree with a lot of what you said but this is just one thing out of others I wanted to address.
"It;s like they're starving, but don't know it."
Oh, we know it. It's not socially accepted for us to admit i.
Most trans men expect a heaping helping of male privilege when they transition, but they soon get a heavy dose of reality--that being a man is a tough, lonely, and mostly invisible existence, especially if you're average.
So true brother... might as well be a ghost.
In my experience, most trans man don't really expect it, but that doesn't mean it's not jarring when you get treated so differently even though your still the same person, both for the better or worse
It doesn't have to be that way, we need to renovate our models of masculinity and abandon these limiting models of masculinity that limit us men emotionally and socially.
@@donalvarito3165 Traditional masculinity is not for the weak. Not every male gets to become a man by maximizing his intellectual and physical potential, and mastering his emotions. This is preferable to the false utopia where men are blubbering about their feelings.
I don't get any of this. My friends are awesome and yes we don't cry and whine to each other but I know beyond a doubt they are there for me. They love me and will help any way they can. Yes we would rather shoot the shiz about sports, cars or family but it doesn't make it any less sincere than hugging and crying about life.
As a transguy, the pressure to figure out female socialization is finally gone.
It's a relief that my friends now expect to come over, have dinner, watch anime...
Or get together to go hiking.
It's not sit around and talk about something in circles.
Or meeting a stranger and they expect you to carry on small talk and smile a certain way, etc. Social cues I never understood.
Close intimate high quality friendships can still exist for men, but it is NOT the same way women do it.
If we talk emotions, it's 20 minutes tops. Usually gathering information/advice if there's a situation I can't figure out by myself.
Like I said, it is a relief to now be in the male world.
This fits what I need perfectly. I've never felt so comfortable socializing before.
Yeah, you aren't a man. You will never be.
Welcome to the club, dude.
Welcome to the brotherhood, bro.
Man or Woman, i'll always welcome them as one of the bros because deep down, the issue is that it's always about guys vs girls and i hate that. I mean i've had shitty guy friends the same amount i've had shitty girl friends, but at the end of the day, if you end the friendship with a guy, the two go on their merry way, but if you do the same with a girl being a guy, you get side eyes because "oh i knew you wanted more than to be just a friend".
Honestly i'm glad you're having a good time being a guy, i mean if you found your true self thats great, but at times, as a cis guy, it just feels painful that people expect us to just be the ear in the conversation, to listen but to stay quiet because we are supposed to be strong.
If you're ever on a rough patch yourself, remember that theres people around you that love you more than you realize. Stay well stranger and maybe some day we'll meet elsewhere!
That's what's up.
Wow. It just occurred to me that if the same male stranger walked up to me, I would visibly relax if he said he was trans because my brain would think "cool. Less likely to murder me."
Zan's right. I don't want to do it, but I can't risk the consequences if I don't.
Omg yes
I wouldn’t judge anyone in a negative light for stressing out if a stranger came near them. But at the same time most murders are done by people they knew so it’s hard to assess what the most logical option is. But do you really logically feel a man will more likely murder you or is this an emotional thing?
@@balancemaster55 Both. There is unquestionably an emotional cultural factor, but I've also exclusively had (perceived) cis men make unwanted advances on me when just walking around.
@@balancemaster55 honestly it’s just a simple matter of biology most of the time. Cis men are generally (GENERALLY) bigger and stronger than cis women. Things like the size of biceps and height are pretty significant when you’re sizing up how much of a threat a stranger poses to you.
I love going out for walks and just having me time outside, but I don’t want to make anyone feel particularly uncomfortable. I am trying to look engrossed in my phone or have a pet/partner with me and I only go out in broad daylight, but is there something else I can do to not be not considered a “threat”?
My brain just want:
"Its not sad, its normal"
And I hate it.
Sadly, hatefully normal.
Also counter-beneficial or maleficial and normal aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.
I definitely felt that my ex, who struggled finding a partner, yearned for those types of relationships because it allowed him to bring out his sweet and sensitive side, because he is very much that kind of person. He is actually more of a romantic than I am, too, and many straight guys are too, they just hesitate to show it sometimes. I like friendships in which everyone, regardless of gender, is given the space to communicate their feelings openly. Sharing feelings is genderless!
Most music should be a strong indicator/evidence that straight men are very romantically ( and sometimes sexually 🤤) attracted to women.
Since we went through puberty, my sister has been unconsciously painting me out to be a predator and it deteriorated my mental health slowly. If I ever voice an issue I had with her behavior she would take it as me attacking her and tell our mom. I cant even stand next to her in the kitchen without her looking at me as if I'm towering over her and intimidating her. This has lead to be completed cutting her off for coming on 10 months even though we both still live at home... And not to my surprise, my mental health increased immediately after.
Move away from home as soon as possible. Tell your sister you want zero contact going forward. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to put up with her bullshit.
Is she the only person in your life who reacts this way? do any other females avoid you or act fearful in your presence?
@@redshark9537 I'm moving out tomorrow :)
@@3p1cand3rs0n if I were a women. And my older brother was making me have poor mental health to damn near the verge of suicide. Would you then comment under her post and ask these questions?
@@brettb.coolin5627 Hope the move went smoothly. Your sister has mental health problems and is listening to the voices in her head instead of paying attention to reality. If you stay around her, she will eventually file charges against you, and the police and courts will tend to take her side. Remove yourself to a safe distance and be able to prove you have not had contact with her. I hope she gets help, but your going to jail and/or getting a criminal record is not an option.
As a trans woman, the opposite happens, people actually talk to me. People actually give me the attention that I never got before transition, I am mostly respected and people aren't scared of me
How does that make you feel after living so long in the other shoes?
Purely a positive change? Somewhat emotionally exhausting? Somewhere in between?
Wow, you must be really passing then, "people aren't scared of me" does not definitely not describe my everyday experience as a trans woman xD
But I know what you're getting at, those that "believe" trans people exist treat me like a woman (mostly at least) and that's quite a different experience than before.
@@heartdisease1 I'm so sorry you're experiencing fear from people, you're gorgeous just the way you are please don't forget that ❣️❣️
Ah, but what about as a fox
I find it interesting that trans people have such different experiences because many trans women say they're disrespected more after transitioning, it's a strange phenomenon that I'm genuinely curious as to what the cause is
It's our silence as men that allows others to feel safe and secure around us. And gives the foundation to be a rock to others.
I could only imagine the fear id have in life if growing up if my dad was crying and complaining about how tough life is all the time. Instead he doubled down, and sacrificed everything he could to make it better for all of us. Thats why we are silent in suffering, it's the only way to move forward in the times of hell without spreading the dread and fear. Actions.
On a side note, the writer is just a chick doing her best playing pretend of what she thinks a man is. And her perspective "as a man" makes it painfully obvious. Those are woman's thoughts and concerns. Also the idea that women they are treating her wildly different because shes a "man" is funny. You might just be an off putting obviously-trans person. I promise 90%+ of people would think that before "oh here's a normal average man".
Thanks for sharing Zan's message here. I would've never come across it because I don't have Twitter nor do I lurk on Tumblr. It really highlights the need for society to focus on interpersonal relationships beyond romantic in pop culture
What is objective beauty
Women can "have" a support system. Men are expected to "BE" a support system. As protectors and providers, a man cannot embrace any kind of weakness or he will be seen as "not a real/full man." And despite what they might say, women disdain men (find them sexually and romantically unattractive) if they cannot fulfill that role. So our social status and romantic viability are linked to "strength." (Not machismo, but competence.) "Why can't men be more open with their feelings? Why can't men show vulnerability?" Because it is [self-deletion] to do so. And this won't change until women find weak, vulnerable men as sexually appealing as strong men.
Which they never will.
Women for years have been mens support system, and it times even to their own expense. Men have also dismissed or mocked women for showing emotion, being upset, and have even denied women positions of power because women were “too emotional.” Don’t say some bullshit about “women are allowed to do” when you have no idea what your talking about
As a person who tried HRT and transitioned male to female for almost 4 years before quitting (due to not ever feeling like I would be able to pass and be treated well), I'm glad one of us spoke out about learning what it's like to cross the gender divide socially. In my heart personally I'll always see myself as one of the girls, but every day socially - I look like and pretend to be a man to try and fit in and stay alive. It's rough. Thanks, Anna.
It must be a very difficult road to go down. I am so sorry society is not giving you another safer and better option. Much love and support to you, Rain.
As someone who was born and remains a man, the phrase "pretend to be a man to try to fit in and stay alive" feels like an accurate description of life. Regardless of where you see yourself, you are not alone.
@@TheOJDrinker As a girl, "pretend to be a man to survive" was a thing for me too, just not articulated like that :d now I understand it was qualities connected to a "real man". How those narrow definitions affect all of us in different ways..
Yea I always tried to act more manly too- just so people would take me seriously
@@SA-ey6nt you are a man you like it or not just accept your self and go see a therapist
Tell me you don't understand, without telling me you don't understand.
In my experience, women will want you to open up but then throw whatever you shared with them back in your face if they are angry. It's like they are just doing it to try to figure out your weaknesses to use against you if needed. Also, the moment you "express" your emotions in a way they don't find acceptable they will insult and belittle you even though they are the ones telling you to express your emotions more.
I am sorry for you and hope you will be surrounded by people who aren't toxic.. because that's really toxic
Fax
@@Blabou "I'm sorry for you" YOUR comment is toxic.
You feel sorry for someone because he tells you how things are? That's really junk logic. Most men know exactly why they won't show their weaknesses in front of their GF. Unless they've known her for many many years and know it's "safe" to do that in front of her.
@@Blabou That's how it is for a lot of men. We just accept it early on
@@Blabou It's impossible to not be surrounded by people who are toxic because half the world is female.
Male social isolation has been known and documented for a long time now. The fact that we as a society need a former woman, a former part of the sisterhood, to confirm it is another symptom of the gender divide. People care about the suffering of trans men, but it's not confirmed yet whether they care about the suffering of other men, and it's been my experience that most people don't.
People want men to be in charge, to work hard, even to the detriment of social relationships, and to be emotionally stable, because that's what keeps society functioning. It's written all over our culture.
As a man who's suffered from social isolation (I'm also aware that I'm partly responsible for my own well-being and interpersonal relationships), I'm excited for change in that regard but I'm also not exactly optimistic about it.
I'm emotional reading the comments and seeing people's compassion towards men. I hope this compassion can extend into real life relationships somehow.
It’s not
What???? Absolutely NO ONE care about what trans men have to say. They are the most ignored in the lgbt community. If they aren’t being ignored, they’re outright hated.
I'm not disagreeing but some of this is false or even the other way around.
@@vector_vector__ sorry no, men are emotional and logical creatures just like women. We have feelings, and we need social bonds to feel whole. The thing that makes us diffrent is a very small part of who and what we are relative to our general behaviour.
@@justynh1321 both have emotions but here is the thing Men are less Emotional then women and there is biological reasons for that . Both genders have emotions but men don't show emotions the same way as women and people are trying to change Men and make them more soft and more emotional like women even tho Men are biological different then women .
So why not just let me be how they are " let them be emotionally stable and more logical that's how they were since beginning of time " there is a lot of benefits we get when Men are emotionally stable like not getting offended easily most of the time .
Emotional Men are dangerous did you know that ?
Do little quick research about it ?
This is why sports and hobbies are often more important for men than women when it come to an outlet for social interaction. I think they are both immensely uplifting for all when it comes to keeping an active body and mind.
Sports sucked for me. Like it was fun until highschool.
I used to play basketball all the time with my friends afterschool.
Thing is highschool really fucked that feeling over.
I wish co-ed classes never were a thing IMO.
Sports used to be a thing where even unathetltic kids could feel part of a group.
But with Co-ed PE, if your ugly and you even try to against women, they instantly look at you like some creep.
Its genuinely retarded.
Well, I think most men came to realize that we are rejected by 50% of the population about the age of 12-14 when we stop being cute kids and start looking more like men, so I can imagine being suddenly presented with this fact can be quite shocking.
It's not looking like men that's the problem. It's how you behave. It's men who have created male culture and men will have to change it.
It's amazing how this trans person confirms everything that was already understood by every guy. And also at the same time can be so wrong about it, the reasons why it happens and then still blame us for it yet again 😆. Mind blowing.
I feel your pain .At the end of the day you are of woman born and someone`s precious brother.for now i`ll leave you with this... it`s better to leave acknowledgement and gratitude where it`s due.i don`t want to have a go at a stranger on the internet so...i`m hoping you catch what i mean if god wills and you intend it.
salam upon you.
He's not wrong about it and he isn't blaming you for it. Men in many other cultures don't have these issues. What do you think the reasons are, then?
@@No-ky3kb Totally wrong about it because they're female and thus don't have all the build up to the end.
Men in other cultures that aren't much homophobic or where they can be soft and close with each other without being sexual have it better.
@@zerofox2030 Hey. Trans men don't appreciate being called female. Knock it off. While it's true that being raised female will give you different experiences, that's the whole point: He's able to see the differences AS differences because he's experienced multiple ways of living. Cis people only have their one gendered life as reference. Trans people can see it from a broader perspective.
This feeling of rejection the author feels is very similar to what I felt during many times for being asexual. I fully understand "women social armor", but it sometimes makes me feel like a "potential menace" that is not welcome near my very own female friends, a feeling that many times is aggravated by anxiety and other neurocognitive disorders.
Being asexual (and a very emotional person) many times set me up on situations where I wasn’t fit for the “men’s group” because I am not the “average straight man” and no fit for the “women’s group”, because they still see me as a “average straight man”. That many times was truly desolating.
I wonder... would there be less "incels" and "pick-up artist" if straight men didn't link their value as a man with getting laid and that "jerking-off is just for losers" or that it's a sin or some bullshit like that.......
I also have the same experiences, I can’t really relate to women and their experiences with sex and attraction which is quite often a topic of conversation. I also find I can really get in on men’s conversations as that will often occur with male friends. I’m quite actively uncomfortable with the topic and when being pressed as to why I don’t like having to explain again and again why I’m uncomfortable with the conversation and just end up finding and excuse to leave. I also find myself the butt of jokes on the topic too since a lot of dirty jokes and such go over my head and I’m mocked for that. It’s left me feeling excluded most of the time even though I know it’s not deliberate, it’s just I can’t relate and it’s almost always the topic being discussed.
This has also lead to me feeling like I talk too much about topics I enjoy because I feel like I never get to talk to anyone otherwise (this is not helped by my focus issues and Nurodivergence) and then I feel ashamed that I’ve gushed on and on about something.
There’s also a similar thing going on in LGBT communities so i feel a bit isolated there. A lot of people have voiced that Ace people aren’t allowed in the community and that we aren’t “queer enough” basically but the straight people see us as “too queer”. It leaves me feeling the only people I can talk too are fellow Ace’s and there’s so very few of those.
@@bluecleo14 It's truly insane how some people go after others and act exactly like their abusers to 'empower" themselves
As a random guy on the internet, I'd like to say the situation that trans person observed can be interpreted a little bit differently. To put it simply, what men needs is to "feel needed". That generally fixes A LOT of the issues. But given how society has been developed over the last half century, where men are needed the most is being belittled, discouraged and simply speaking, hated.
What are you talking about. It’s not being belittled. Where men are needed is supposed to be replaced with women. We want women ceo, women as fathers, women as all leaders and workers.
I can't believe I had to scroll down this far into the comments section to find the first person who gets it: men have an overwhelming need to feel needed. If we don't feel needed, and every part of modern society is conditioned to convince us we're not needed, our lives lose all sense of purpose. A man without purpose is a man without a life; he's already dead.
@@SuperSupersoda amen! The world thinks men have it easy. Both sexes have their challenges. Those challenges are just different. The world only works with both…cooperating together and contributing their unique gifts and perspectives.
Growing up hearing how you’re not sh!t and all your “safe spaces” must be infiltrated by women, all the while women are portrayed as beings of perfection and light. Oh, and don’t forget how every male preference is belittled but on the flip side when women have the same preference it’s **crickets**
@@SuperSupersoda Probably because a mans value is based on what he provides for others, not just him inherently as a person compared to women. Women have something similar but its based on their physical looks and being wanted.
Thank you so much. I’ve been a sis man 62 years and it’s nice to find people that are looking your direction. Meaning your caring about my boys. Thank you very much.
inherently this is a product of the loss of communities. when we know each other, we can let our guard down. thankfully i found a community 20+ years ago that embraces all genders, races, sexualities. im realizing how rare this is as i age and am thankful for my friends.
Just out of curiosity, what is this community?
i dont wanna join your cult.
@@This_is_super_dumb_but Right? 🤔 Let me just supportively drop a mystery seed here so I can give you a pamphlet...
Yes to this. Communities and marriage.
I grew up in a tight-knit community. That community reinforced all of the issues mentioned. A community makes the effects of social codes stronger - not healthier.
I’ve actually thought about this for a while and I feel like it’s a contributing factor in the essential way men navigate society. When your think of it so many aspects of manhood are basically perpetuated so we either A. Avoid expressing our relationship, feelings etc. B. To get into those relationship so we can actually have an outlet to talk. Sometimes when I think of how obsessed with the gym this modern era teen boy is I realize that it’s just to get a girlfriend half the time. The only intimate, truly interpersonal interaction men are granted is just between their partners and even then it’s looked down upon to be to “gushy” in ur approach to expressing ur emotions with ur wife/gf. Men are tasked to either struggle to form bonds or forced to disdain them and be this sole “loner alpha wolf” whilst alot of the time women are granted/expected to have a sense of sisterhood between themselves to an extent and have been trained to do so from almost birth, with social occasions like tea parties, girly sleep overs whilst many boys are expected to play rough and then just go home a lot of the time. While I too cringe from even the mention of female privilege because Ik some Reddit boy is gonna have a field day with it in some aspects there are privileged ways a lot of girls afforded. That’s why I think so many men can’t handle the thought of rejection because it feels like yet another example of how they’re turned away by society
As my buddy and I explained it to our girl friend group a couple of months ago, "we don't gossip or really talk about each other's relationships much like women do, we check in with each other but would rather go do something or talk random hypotheticals than gossip ab each others significant other" It blew the girls away to hear it cuz apparently when they hang out they talk ab guys and they expected us to be the same with girls. We then showed them how we can take a hypothetical ab living on an island and turn it to a 7hr conversation lol
Exactly. I'd rather you tell me how to fix my garage door than how things are between you and your girl friend. The first is useful information. The second is drama. Don't wanna know. Don't care.
@@redshark9537 Exactly man. I'd rather go diagnose a problem with my car, talk about new project concepts or shoot the crap over music tastes than really delve into drama
Women keep women single they're miserable
I like drama if it doesn't hurt anyone seriously and I don't go around causing it. My life is just boring.
because girls speak dearly of their interests while men just go she's hot and nice to me and then move on. They probably were exaggerating to make the conversation interesting too when they were shocked. But we are the same, it is just we have more drama in our house because parents tend to come to us girls for comfort and to release their stress and drop bombs of drama. But we do talk about other things that we like and movies and share opinions and we both know not a single human in the world that doesn't gossip, it just that you guys word it differently. We see each and text each other every 4 minutes and rather talk normal conversation than to roast each other and be fine with it. Because lmao a dude told me what their friends calls him and i swear they are evil for that. And don't listen to everything some girls say, they are setting you guys up.
“I genuinely hate living in a world where everything a man does is terrible and everything a women does is amazing”
-Patrice O Neal
I was recently in a class in which someone brought this issue up. The professor said this is the price society must pay to displace men as the world's decision-makers and make room for women who're better for the world. So she essentially justified gender bigotry against men because in her view men have to go. And a lot of influential people feel this way. It's going to get worse.
The jews cursed the world with feminism
I do not understand why so many people think 'elevating women' REQUIRES 'burying men'. Why are we making gender equality and justice into a zero sum game.
Imagine a judge in a criminal court saying 'I'm going to give you the maximum sentence because I was lenient with the last one'.
@@WilliamBrowningAmerica is changing into this as a whole. White people getting representation taken away for the sake of “poc inclusivity”, this, etc.
cultural Marxism (masqueraded as "boomer liberalism") IS now The Establishment. They've been programmed to DESTROY Western civilization, right down to the Nuclear Family, so if Population replacement doesn't work , then it's Depopulation through collapse of free market meritocracy and Constitutional Rule of Law ,collectively pitting groups against each other ,just like in the Soviet Union and Red China , wherein +80 million citizens perished with nary a trial afterwards of the killers.
@@WilliamBrowning Apparently the only way they think they can propel women is to take down men. Seems healthy and totally logical. Whoever does the job best should get the job.
since starting to medically transition, i’ve seen an immediate change in how people treat me in public. people need to deconstruct their gender biases on all sides, it’s hurting everyone. thanks for amplifying trans voices!
I don't disagree but even when as a female I can treat males "properly" via the net in games they still sometimes act like sex crazed maniacs. Not all of them but a few. And I always check in with my male friends, but unfortunately because of how they were raised it's hard to get them to open up, even when 1:1. I do wish they felt more comfortable about it, since I guess me personally I don't care about being judged I honestly like to know what people hate about me, to see if it's something I feel I should correct or not. Though I do have some online male friends that use me to get a female's perspective, and I'm alright with that since for guys it can be hard.
Men - "hey, things here are pretty bad"
Woman - "shut up, you are privileged"
...
Transmen - "hey guys, cismen are right"
Women - "wow, who would have thought"
It's more of: Men - Constantly dismissing women's issues, demanding women to cater to men's issues whilst juggling all of their own and then blaming it on women when women finally snap and say they're privileged and can't focus on it 24/7.
hahaha wtf. In what world do u live in?
@@floffy2695 Women don't cater for men's issues, except in feminist fantasies. Stop this garbage. Just.... STOP IT.
Western society is gynocentric. You need to wake up. No one is dismissing women's issues. They are in literally all newspapers, TV, even in companies today. We have a TV screen in our company too, where there are women's issues, LGBTI issues, etc. presented all day on a loop. All issues except men's issues (white, hetero men).
@@floffy2695 thus proving the point..... you just said 'shut up , you are privileged ' but in extra strps
@@floffy2695 tf are u sayin mate
Even while explaining a sad issue women will never understand. This monologue is filled with mysandry.
The biggest issue I have with this is that the individual is seeing a males experience through a female lens. Just because males do not experience social interaction the same way females do, that does not mean males are lacking or deficient in any way.
As a man, I can handle solitude and social isolation extremely well but the problem arises when it is extended for long periods of time. In my experience, I do not need frequent social interactions or warmth and friendliness from strangers. What matters the most are deep connections with loved ones. The rest is completely irrelevant. In fact I do not feel anything at all towards it. I would even go as far as to say frequent interactions with strangers is a net negative.
The issue with men today is most men are lacking deep connections with family, friends and loved ones. Most modern men are being isolated for ungodly amounts of time. This is what leads to the loneliness . Men are very simple and need a few things. A sense of purpose and a goal to strive towards, a brotherhood, family and a partner.
"White-imperialism" has obviously gotten to man, you changed.. (jk, Blessings)
The Suicide rate of men which is 70%-80% of all Suicides says otherwise.
well said
You saying that you're "fine" with isolation is proving his point. You're starving, but you're getting three meals a day so you think you're good. Humans are social animals. We are at our worst when we're alone. It is not good for us to be alone and isolated.
@@couldntthinkofacoolname9608 if you feed a 200kg man/women a normal healthy diet he will feel like he/she is starving all the time even though you giving them a normal healthy amount of food that is perfectly sufficient. in broader terms if you had abundance alll your life (regardless in what thing) then a normal amount of something will feel as if you are deprived of it. Women tend to be more social and they are proven to be far less resilient to social isolation. its in fact what women do to "punish" each other they dont usually fight physically but they ostracise and ridicule the offending women. it is done as an individual, as a leader of a group or as a whole group in consensus. all of this does not mean men dotn need social interaction or intimacy etc. they just need less of it and still be fine.
The same "open minded progressive" people who say men need to show their emotions more are the same people who were making fun of Jordan Peterson for crying last week.
Because Jordan Peterson is a hypocrite much like most of the people in these comments living in an echo chamber. Jordan Peterson is the same man always spouting about masculinity and being a strong male yet contradicted his own standards when he himself cried
Funny the only respnse comment was so toxic it got removed. Really shows how “accepting” these ppl are.
People are finally fighting back tho change is o comin
Disagree. Those are in fact different ppl.
@@therealallpro literally isnt, “progressives” are unprogressive af And one of the most toxic groups of people
I make fun of him and I am on the right and strictly against showing your emotions in public. It shows that you cant control your emotions. It shows weakness.
I personally knew 4 men who committed suicide too young, that's just in my small social circle, it's a serious mental health crises among that demographic yet almost no one talks about it. Men of minority have it even worse. For me it helped studying the works of Carl Jung, Joseph Campbell, Stephen Covey, David Deida and Wayne Dyer. It's important for young men to find a mentor or someone to teach them how to manage their emotions since many are conditioned to suppress them growing up. Music also helps process emotions, Linkin Park helped me through some rough patches in high school. I noticed how I started holding a cold demeanor cause that's how the world treats me, have to be tough in a world that makes it tough for you. When I try to be kind to women, they perceive it as me trying flirt with them so they put up their guard and act cold. When I'm kind to men they see it as suspicious or passive aggressive. Human connection is a rare commodity among men, it has taught me how to be more stoic and resilient to life challenges.
Joseph Campbell would take every bit of ideology the LGBT community has invented in the last 30 years and smash it into smithereens. He would say that all ancient cultures accepted the clear dichotomy of male and female differences. Young males went through initiation rites to become adult males. Young females went through pregnancy to enter genuine womanhood. The divine masculine and divine feminine are ubiquitous in myth. Denying these opposites is rejecting nature, he would argue, I'm sure of it.
The really sickening thing is that whenever the suicide epidemic among men is brought up, invariably things like male privilege and the patriarchy are brought up moments later in order to explain it away. Basically the reason men are suffering a mental health crisis is their own damn fault, not broad changes in society that deal with the utility of men and the respect inherent in traditional masculinity. The only time masculine rolls get praised these days is when they are being occupied by women. From a young age nowadays, men are basically just being told that we are in the way, an obstacle in the way of female empowerment. Hard not to feel like society doesn't want you.
"Men if minority have it worse"
White men have the highest suicide rate and it's not even close.
@@derek96720 absolutely this. Men and masculinity are casualties in the ever-expanding gender wars. I’m all for women having the same opportunities as men, but that doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s like we thought that we could paint men as the enemy, as some oppressive force, and that somehow men wouldn’t come to feel isolated, abandoned, and unwanted. Male suicidality is quite easily explained by our current social climate.
How can women tell what kind of guy they're dealing with? Men can't even tell what other men are necessarily thinking.
Men are more socially brave, women are more socially aware.
They don't "know". They see clues and assume from there. Often enough correctly.
This is the first time that I've heard a woman acknowledge and show compassion for the incredible loneliness that I know that I feel. But I believe it will be generations after I'm dead that it will be recognized much less recovered from. Thank you Anna. You're a sport.
you know that she's reading, right? those words came from a woman who transition into a man
Norah Vincent wrote a whole book on it.
it will come sooner than you think. the awareness of men's mental health has skyrocketed in the last decade, and within the next it should reach acceptable levels of public awareness.
@@Dave_of_Mordor
In other words "He's the exception that proves the rule."
definitely recommend reading The Will to Change by Bell Hooks
Do not try to change the way we are!
Its Anna's shallow understanding of what men want. She's trying to make men more like women, which men don't want. This kind of feminine only approach is exactly where the bad perceptions of today's men are coming from.
Amen! Ladies if you get mad at "smile more" then don't tell men to act like women or force your idea of vulnerability to live a better life
@@nickb6425 So some of you are mad because 'women' want you to express your feelings and the rest of you are mad because 'women' won't let you express your feelings. OK, then! I'll just go back to my hobbies. (I actually have good, male friends, who, incidentally, express their feelings. That's part of friendship.)
Something that often frustrated me when I first started dating men in college was that it seemed like they would latch onto me in a really intense way as soon as we started having deep, revealing conversations about our feelings and identities. This happened with platonic male friends too. Every single one would express early on "I've never told anyone this before" and would start relying on me emotionally as if I were a therapist or expressing that they were in love with me before I felt like they even knew me very well. It was frustrating because I felt like they were just using me to fulfill their emotional needs, or like they were in love with the idea of me and the emotional safety I could provide them without actually knowing or caring who I as an individual was. I would think things like "I don't know why this conversation has convinced you we're soulmates, I've had almost this exact conversation with all of my girlfriends at some point." Eventually, I expressed this to my female friends, and they started sharing similar experiences. It took a little while, but I started to realize that the reason that the men we dated were acting this way was because they had never had the privilege / luxury having many warm, unconditionally supportive emotional relationships with their friends. Or maybe even a sense of camaraderie and support with a larger group, like the kind I feel with all the women out there in the world. There was this need that wasn't being fulfilled because of the limits of societal conditioning and expectations, and it was only with female partners that they were finally getting what I had been getting every single day. It made me sad, it still makes me sad. I didn't realize that men also feel a coldness in day-to-day interactions with people, even strangers, and I can absolutely understand why that would contribute to this "emotional malnutrition." I'm not going to stop having my guard up in public, mostly because I don't think I even know how at this point, but also because I've experienced more violent situations than I can count and I have to prioritize protecting myself, but I do want to make an effort to be warmer with men in situations where it's safe to do so. I feel like this is a good example of why feminism benefits everyone. I hope that we can eventually kick the bullshit conditioning completely so that everyone feels able to have close, revealing relationships with the people in their lives.
Damn
You realized men were humans but no one, not even *their mothers* and other *women* in their lives were being emotionally supportive.
Nearly all of the social conditioning in society is by women, for women. Women have taught "society" that men don't need to be emotionally supported.
Preach! So well said.
you put everything ive been thinking into such beautiful words
Wow.
I’m a TransMan, 40 years old and have been on testosterone for 16 years. My man Zane, broke this down very intelligently and very difficult for many people not in Gen Z to understand.
I have faith that the youth who come up after us, will be much more enlightened and begin to unravel this social norms men and women in America have become so accustomed to and negatively intertwined in.
Being male in our current society is extremely depressing, lonely, cold and isolating. It is depressing to me that it seems most women don't begin to try to understand or empathize with the plight of men without becoming one themselves and facing it. There was a whole book written in the 2000s about a woman who disguised herself as a man and became integrated with predominantly male communities. The trauma from the experience made her realize how wonderful it is to be a woman. She gained a great level of sympathy for men in general and realized as a whole they are suffering and wanting/needing emotional intimacy. As someone who falls into the non-binary trans category (mtf) I realized when I am perceived as female how much warmer and kinder the world has felt towards me.
People go out of their way to help or compliment me. I felt like people really wanted me around. At first I was depressed thinking about how happy my life could have been from the beginning if I had just been born female. I also came to the sad realization that I had the same problem as I did when I when I am seen as male. No one cared about who I was deep down or loved me for who I was. All of the warmth, kindness and compliments that felt so great was because they were just physically attracted to me. Its flattered and confidence boost but at its core it is still hollow.
This comment deserves way more likes. You perfectly covered the main issue for both genders/(everyone) and how they're experienced differently by each. Everyone's so quick to get offended, insult, diminish, each other, and it gets worse all the time, making it harder not to throw that bitterness back in. I hate to admit how long it took me to see how wrong I acted under the guise of fair gender politics ... And how many women really do hate men and take it out on the sons they're supposed to be loving, protecting, and raising.
I fear we'll have to lose huge chunks of human innovation before we'll finally learn to connect to one another the human way
which book do you talk about?
@@creatancremanova7097"self-made man" there are videos of the woman talking about her experience as a man, and trying dating/making friends as male.
@@vergilsparda6823 thank you! :D
There's an aspect I've been pondering that we've been coddled by our male privilege to the point where it's dismantling has left us vulnerable and in need of other forms of nourishment.
I was almost exclusively alone for 3-4 years total in the past 7-8. At least 200+ days a year. Had big issues with mental health and had nowhere to turn to for help, got rejected everywhere. But it turned out fine, I’ve been through a lot of things + mental training, so I had all the tools needed. But yeah, it’s a lonely world out here for us guys.
Hey, good on you to fight it out. I hope you are happy.
I’m glad to hear you were able to make it through the loneliness. I had something similar with being in a country that doesn’t speak English ( I tried to learn French, but it was so hard), and lost my best friend due to them ending their life. I nearly lost the fight, but I’ve made it so far
@@positivegradient today, I am very balanced = happy I guess 😁 thank you!
@@TreyWindinal hey, you’re here! You are still able to touch grass, smell the air, taste the foods and feel alive, what an gift. Though the gift can be poisonous, it’s our perspective that makes it that.
I am happy you’re here, I too have been fighting life. 7-8 years ago I swallowed 187 pills, and a police officer saved my life, I had two more attempts after that. But I succeeded, I survived!
For me I tattooed Balance and perspective above each knee, everytime I see my legs I get reminded of being in balance is key for my doing good, but perspective for my view of life and everything it offers. Find yourself a reminder why you love earth and life, and use it as a guide through everyday.
As someone who’s gone though my whole life up until now as a man the best thing anyone has ever said to me was “you’re one of the only boys in the school I feel completely safe around”
Which just means you're firmly in the friend zone, only technically male.
@@nagranoth_ it sounds like he doesn’t fuckzone women, and is a kind person. Take notes
how did we end up at white imperialism? i thought that was about resources, unbridled nationalism, social darwinism and not about emotional deprivation?