How I didn’t become a victim to bullying | Caroline Dean | TEDxQueenstown
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 พ.ค. 2015
- Caroline's story is quite a shock. Her experience is deep and traumatic from time working inside the closed community of the Australian prison system. She talks of the systematic failures to understand the issues, the people that pit one person against another and the denial, denial, denial. How can such behaviour on this level be ignored? In fact this type of 'victim' versus 'perpetrator' model is the fundamental problem. Caroline finds clarity and systemises a way to build a culture and systems around this with alarming results.
Caroline is a knowledgeable, skilled consultant and facilitator with a background in criminal justice sociology. She specialises in assisting organisations to develop multifaceted competencies and systems around preventing workplace conflict. She offers organisations an insightful approach into conflict and is committed to building respectful collaboration workplace cultures. She has always been interested by power, how it is constructed, used and misused.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
I had bullying at one of my work places. I had to quit my job. Even after I quit, the people from that building spread completely random and cruel rumors about me. While working there, several people made it a point to always bring up my weight and joke about how skinny I was. I asked them to please stop and that I do not like talking about my weight. Well it seemed as though they took it so personally that I asked them to stop, that they made it a point to convince themselves that I was "sick" or had some eating disorder and that mentioning my weight all the time NEEDED to happen because they tricked themselves into thinking they were helping me. It's a good thing that I am not anorexic because if I actually did have body issues, with the types of incessant comments that they kept making about me, I probably would have killed myself. The day that I quit was very quiet. I just quietly walked 2 or 3 things to my car at once so that no one realized that I was cleaning out my desk and so that no one would cause a scene or try to upset me. I had one friend that worked there. After I left for good, the bullies pestered my friend about why I left and she finally caved and said it was because they would not stop constantly joking, and talking about my weight all the time. Instead of them feeling bad, they created all sorts of crazy stories about my life and started telling the new people that I worked with to try to ruin my chance at my new job... Luckily the new people that I worked with really liked me and called the people at my old job crazy.
That's a damned shame. Those people are sick.
Oh you are so right about them taking it personally when you speak up for yourself. The people I encountered accused me of being cruel to THEM because I asked them how their wives, mothers and daughters would feel if someone spoke to them that way. For that simple question I became every kind of POS you can imagine another human being voicing. And voice they did. To anyone and everyone that would listen because "I dared question what any man says to me." I laughed at them and that made it worse. Had they touched me they would have lost their jobs so it never went that far, but they would comment about "outside the gate". So I reminded them that "oitside the gate" we all play by the same rules and invited them to find me if they dared. Not one of them ever did. Not all of them were bad, yet they all were silent. I saw one of b the better guys years after I was out of there and he said of the 2 really bad guys one had died and the other got fired after 25 years for threatening the life of a manager. Karma, karma, karma...... I didn't have to do anything except keep giving them rope. Eventually they will hang themselves with it.
Bless you ❤❤ ... They were JEALOUS that u were able to gain RESPECT from the prisoners and become a COMPASSIONATE FRIEND & LISTENER to them xx
Dear Caroline: I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for being so courageous. While I could plainly tell by your initial behaviors that you were still very afraid and exhibiting what I call the "what if someone from higher up hears" syndrome, your story was still very compelling and honest. It did bring me to tears, but that is because I have experienced similar types of behaviors and incidents. With your willingness to share your testimony, you have at the very least provided given a face to what is apparently a world-wide epidemic. Although I am certain the details of your particular situation were painful to share (I could tell by the expression on your face during your talk), you at least had the intestinal fortitude to stand up for those who feel voiceless. Again, I salute you. Sincerely, T. J. O'Brien, Peoria, Illinois, United States of America.
Throughout my research on the toxicity of bullying, this is an excellent presentation! Thank you, Caroline Dean, for exposing this brutal poison in our culture! BRAVO for sharing and shining the LIGHT on this epidemic! Seeking a solution to this problem is a powerful force that you have accomplished in professional excellence!
Wow. You did an amazing job and I applaud your courage! You helped me so much. As a TH-cam creator, I'm bullied all the time - one who leads the pack of bullies is a former prison guard. You helped me understand why he bullies me and why he's psychologically unable to see himself for the wounded, victim of the environmental toxicity he endured for his entire career. This was very insightful and brave, thank you!
How will we ever know what bullied victims feel like unless we ourselves stop silencing them because we fear dealing with the aftermath of their death?
Very profound question and still no answer 2 years later smh.
Neta >>>The problem is that no one cares about them. Only people in power matter in that world. Personally I think it is headshakingly embarrassing for us humans that wild animals are able to live in greater peace and harmony with each other than humans. Cats and dogs have been seen to be able to live in harmony with each other. Humans and bears have been seen to be able to live in harmony with each other. Even baboons, dogs and cats have been seen to live in harmony with each other. Animals break the laws of nature and Darwinism all the time. Think of the sloths who are the lazyest animals in the world. How can they survive with such an attitude out there in the "brutal" kingdom of nature? And if nature was only about brutal and mercyless survival of the fittest/strongest all the time they would have killed one another long ago. Only humans have problems in understanding how to accept and respect each other. They make everything a problem. Red hair is a problem. Small boobs is a problem. Brown skin is a problem. Religion is a problem. Political orientation is a problem and the list of insignificancies could go on forever.
Caroline you are very brave! Well done you! You have suffered from ptsd and come out a survivor
I'm so proud of you! I hope to be a speaker at Tedx one day as I too experienced workplace bullying which caused me to resign. Again, I'm happy you used your experience to make a difference.
SAME HERE, Mildred! You are not alone!
SpiritualLight 4 Thank you!
I just quit my job on July 13th as a result. The bullying is mostly carried out by management, which is I dealt with
TheDetroit1982 I'm sorry to hear... No one should work in a toxic environment. Sadly mine was by management too. I wish to speak more about my experience once I'm ready to launch my new materials.
Mildred Peyton I look forward to reading or hearing about it
This is the best perspective on bullying that I have ever seen presented. Indeed, bullying is a behavior that will easily emerge in a closed authority based system if it is allowed to, a behavior that sadly many people will either participate in or allow to happen. A lot of the principles that you said that cause bullying can be applied to schools
as well (though prison is much harsher). In general bullying happens when it is easy to do and hard to be stopped on the spot.And it happens over and over when the only forms of prevention happen after the fact. It is really easy to find excuses, buy time, hide the truth, intimidate the opposition or do other shenanigans when you are in the office to be punished. This is why prevention is so crucial. Not only I will applaud you for your insights, but also tell you that this knowledge can be applied very effectively, not only in the workplace but wherever bullying is present.
Great work.
Wonderful work Caroline. To touch all these areas in such a profound way in sixteen minutes is a great skill too. I was bullied at work over 35 years ago and still suffer the effects. Your speaking up will help so many people and your work in healing workplace cultures is fantastic. Love your quietness and vulnerability that carries real strength in it.
If I could hit the like button a million times, I would. Well written....horrible subject though.
Thank you Caroline for taking the courage to speak publically about such a complex and world wide problem. You have stated this issue in such an understandable way. Thank you again for taking the time to research and suggest a solution. Hopefully we can move forward to address this toxic workplace and relational set of issues.
but she had to understand,prisoners were less agressive against her just because of theirs dependence,in another situation it could be right the opposite,so,maybe for so naive people better not to work in prison.
Jeremy Clarkson is a typical bully
I watched his videos of cars
His personality was one of the worst
I applaud this woman with her courage
What a brave woman. There is so much bullying in the workplace. That many of these individuals have children reinforce the need for child protection services.
Well done Caroline ! I knew your Mother and Father while they lived at St Mary's. They would be proud
this is happening everywhere needs to stop, people need their jobs to support their kids,
I’ve had this happen my whole life
Thank you so much for sharing your story Caroline. It is so needed by all of us.
I've seen a work place go from a team working together to horrible bullying behavior unleashed by to incompetent senior management members.... it still seems unbelievable........ congratulations to her for using that situation to help others....
This is very sound advice. Blaming or punishing one bully only mitigates one sick (as in mentally insecure or unhappy) individual. Changing the culture or system is better as it is impartial - so revenge cycles are prevented - and actually treats the problem - the memes that make normal men into bullies.
Quote: " - I felt safer in the company of prisoners than with my own colleagues and I build relationships with them that were based on respect and compassion…" That makes one wonder what kind of world that we live in doesn´t it? It must be extreme since it has developed into this kind of reversed world.
Thank you Caroline, my team is being bullied at the moment and the thoroughness of your conversation has helped me to reflect and go forward with the proceedings, both better informed and in a clearer state of mind. I had not considered, obvious as it should have been; that recent health issues and self-destructive eating, sleep and exercise habits were connected to bullying at work. It would seem that when pressured by someone you try to think of as a peer, it is easy to rationalise and blame yourself entirely, for these seemingly unrelated facets of your life. Half the healing I understand, is in the realisation of those things that you can change for the positive. I will be spending time tonight developing a better understanding of my own exercise and eating habits, as these are things I can address and improve, despite the deficiencies in work systems that have allowed the bullying at work to continue. I would be honoured, to champion your workplace change recommendations and would appreciate any further material you could provide.
Tmak McIntyre Just watched this and saw your comment from 1 year ago. What happened at work after your realisation and with yourself. It is the hardest thing to see oneself isn't it? Love is blind but self recrimination is blind too!
I was determined to do everything in my power to get myself out of the bad situation. I started a university degree to quantify my capabilities, initially to escape the bullying after seeing a business graduate program as the way out. Then I applied for every job available, with no referees, as no-one would support my applications after I "caused waves", not even managers who had supported me for years. My opportunity came when the government decided to use economic principles to squeeze a budget they couldn't balance by paying higher skilled workers a lower wage, essentially "promoting" people to higher difficulty jobs at their existing pay level. I knew I was being taken advantage of, however saw this as the only train out, with performance requirements but no referee requirement. It was a good gamble as my current job is everything my last job was not. I have a supporting manager who actually has leadership skills, a great team, mostly seasoned staff like myself who were escaping problems in their areas as well. My work is not belittled in my new area, it's actually and genuinely appreciated. My new department commented on how skilled and capable the workers they adopted are, but notably also on how hard it was for these capable workers to promote themselves, or value their skills. I know this was the result of years of bullying and deliberately undervaluing the skills and efforts of myself and other similarly afflicted staff, who all know they are paid less than their value, however don't care because they realise the health benefits of working in a supportive environment, outweigh a $40 a fortnight payrise. While I am still carrying more weight than I would like, I'm eating healthier and living healthier. I diverted a lot of entertainment time(which was really escapism), to gardening and have the beginnings of a self-sufficient organic food supply. I only drink now at special events and my dog is happier for me spending more time with her in the garden. A back problem I developed sitting down for over two decades, while not fixed, is a lot more manageable despite my increased weight and I am aware of my weight problem, weighing myself daily to make sure while the progress of undoing years of abuse is slow, it is moving in the right direction. Thanks for asking, talking about it helps to motivate me.
Tmak McInt
Insightful, balanced and very helpful. Thank you.
Very brave, and very good plans to remedy the problems! Thank you!
This is so important! I am glad I could listen to this great lady!
Powerful. Thank you for sharing this brave story.
This deserves more views!
WOW! You are an amazing woman!!! I am literally gobsmacked at your courage!! And Intelligence!
I applaud you, for you're courage to stand up ..God bless you I am also a target
Working for the Federal Government, attend mandatory training on workplace civility and harassment yet, upper management turns a blind's to negative behavior and my reward for speaking up....isolation with efforts of attempts to squeeze me out.
Thank you, Caroline, for being a deep diver for truth as well as very being brave in sharing what you've learned, to the point where your light has become medicine for our sick systems. May we have the chutzpah to put implement your wisdom!
absolutely amazing.
this is so true and this is happening now.
Clarkson earned the BBC a lot of money and viewers. I suffered from bullying in the work place and took my employers to an employment tribunal. I won but was encouraged to settle out of court as any of my complaint if won would have been just recommendations and the organization would not have to follow the tribuneral judgement. After winning, I felt and was dealt like a trouble causer and my career as a was effectively ended as my colleagues and management still continued to treat me like a leper. I was relieved when I was offered medical retirement due to arthritis after 23yrs of working in the Police. After 23yrs of servicing the community initially for free the 18 yrs paid, I felt like the organization and my colleagues had demeaned everything I had achieved during that time. I loved my career but was pleased to leave it all behind. I suffered from PTSD for three years until I finally decided to receive some treatment for my symptoms. I am so pleased to hear your research in to this problem as I no longer feel alone. Well done for all your efforts and keep up the good work 🥂❤️
You have to be the hero of your own life. Stand up, fight back, or walk away.
That's correct, because Human Resources does not give a damn!
I would love to read your approach in a book.
I'm been going through this since I was a kid and I'm now 58. I' a inverted type ,Very quite and That's why they target me. It's not just what they say about me, It's what they say I said about others is the worst.
This is EXACTLY how my local family court services, circuit court, and GAL's have made me feel. Yay Wisconsin.
This information is just what I was looking for thinks
💔💜thank you.
Enoch
In Singapore bullying and Psychopath is at NTUC supermarket. They have a facebook where customers who are not happy with staff upload their photos..... These customers are cowards and encouraged by organisation. They should be charged with slandering. And the staff be compensated. 💰💰🐕
She is not an experienced speaker but she makes up for it in sincerity and integrity.
I would like to hear her add some specific examples to illustrate the processes she developed and implemented for her client.
Alice Thompson pointing out that she is not an experienced speaker was completely unnecessary. Pointing out flaws in front of others are bullies tactics.
Actually, your comment is a very good illustration of online bullying.
Thank you for taking up and challenging the system, I believe many people do commit suicide when there are toxic systems in place. I believe my brother Gerry Doyle gifted Biologist died aged 42 in 2002 in Salisbury after working in many toxic cultures he had PTSD he had challenged norm did night shift in Southampton. She didn't mention It is a criminal offence I've had cat scan, ill now and others have died because of being brutalized in my local church and recent relationship. Keeping silent does perpetuate abuse unfortunately. I only had gynae problems but now PTSD anxiety panic is classed as mental illness. Ive always worked for years. Also who do we complain to the police - they are also questionably hiearchyial system don't really have insight into this
You have to have experience with this to really understand.
Solutions begin at 11:11
Wow.
Coming from the UK I was appalled that there was a petition to reinstate Jeremy Clarkson after he had punched that man.
Clarkson punches him because of incompetence of him he should be fired
❤️💗💜💛♥️🌻🌺🌹🌸💐
So, it is just lack of self-awareness:).