How to Tell If You're Afraid of Intimacy
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 พ.ค. 2024
- Sometimes we may end up in a couple where we spend a lot of time complaining - to concerned friends and family - that the other person is evidently and committedly ‘afraid of intimacy.’ They don’t often talk of their emotions; they may find it hard to be physically cosy; they don’t cry so often.
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“Sometimes we may end up in a couple where we spend a lot of time complaining - to concerned friends and family - that the other person is evidently and committedly ‘afraid of intimacy.’ They don’t often talk of their emotions; they may find it hard to be physically cosy; they don’t cry so often.
Whereas we on the other hand - as all our acquaintances know - are the emotionally fluent ones. We long to be close to someone, we long to discuss our feelings openly and without restraint, we are healthy and ready for love. It’s simply such a pity - and so profoundly unfortunate - that we have ended up with such an unyielding and resistant partner…”
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The profound effect it had on me when I realized that I chose emotionally unavailable people who were afraid of intimacy because I myself was emotionally unavailable and afraid of intimacy. It's a scary thing to face and choosing someone who can't meet you there is a sure way to make sure that you never have to do any of the real work. It was a hard thing for me to accept but shining a light on that is one of the best things I could've ever done for myself. Just know that it doesn't have to always be the way it's always been 💜
Very, very true
thank you for your beautiful comment
I've been making the same realisation! It's wild! All this time I thought I was open to love, only to see more of the truth of the situation. It's terrifying to witness this, and see my part in the dance. It's also been yielding a load of aaaaaah moments, when I see how this played out in past relationships. My desire for living with a more open heart has been rising, with this realisation.
This animation was so cute :) I have just had to face that I am actually the peach in this video. I really thought I was good at being vulnerable and intimate. Turns out, until now, all of my past partners were particularly cold. I've just found a new one who is calling my bluff, can provide the intimacy I've always craved, and ironically it's showing me how afraid of intimacy I was all along! It's hilarious and humbling. But I'm learning how to really give and take it now.
Going through a very, very terrible breakup is what helped me get over my fear of intimacy, or at least become aware of it and handle it a lot better. I feel like even though it was a long and terrible period that I thought would never recover from, I came out a lot stronger and wiser.
I didn't but then there were other factors at play
Im currently going through this..hopelessnes and all, I hope mine has an ending as glorious as yours friend.
@@keemo5820 hang in there
When do you know that it has ended? I still have those good butterfly feelings of that person, so does that mean I'm still going through?
Would you be able to get back into a relationship with the same person you broke up with who gave you this awareness if he/she was still willing to be in a relationship? Like understand what that was about, forgive and unite ?
That's me and yet...I don't recall such traumas as a kid. I do not know why I am like this, but this fear has made me kick people out of my life for no reason...it sucks.
Study attachment styles and get with talk therapy. You will feel not so alone. Look up Thais Gibson.
You don't need a rason to be yourself. Doesn't matter if there was a big flashy trauma or if it was simple unseen neglect. Your fear will tell you where it comes from if you are "able" to look at it close enough (talk therapy helps for that since this is really hard to do)
might be neglect or when you open up about your problem when you are kid, your feeling got belittled
Where there's a river, there is always a source. It did come from somewhere you just have to find it. Only you can.
For the past ten years I have been looking for a source incident that killed me inside (I was doing a particular program that set me on that quest). Over the course of the last decade I know there was not one defining "trauma", but an accumulation of behaviours that created me. That in itself has been liberating.
You sound EXACTLY like my therapist. You go to your session with one comment about your partner.. And all of a sudden you realise oh wait: its about ME and not THEM...
I guess it would be more accurate to call it Allergy to Intimacy rather than Fear of Intimacy. Or Intimacy-Associated Fear. There's nothing to be scared about intimacy. It's those things that we experienced along with intimacy.
Like, the cake is great but someone put broken glass in mine. I'm not scared of cake. I want my cake. I'm scared of swallowing glass.
Loving this comment so much. I took a screenshot.
You're both right and wrong. I do want to be close to others, but I'm also scared I'll be hurt by doing so. I am scared of intimacy because it opens up the possibility of getting hurt.
Most probably there isn't any glass in my cake, but I won't know until I take a bite, so it makes sense to fear doing so.
@@alaskawoolf3737 Yes, thank you for pointing it out. Once you ate a cake with a broken glass you fear that there is broken glass in every other cake even though you can reason that there's probably no glass inside.
Thank you for this. The internet is full of attacks on those who are "avoidant attachment style " Trying to get something from someone who doesn't have it to give is really a kind of insanity
There's a reason the "internet" is against that people (pressumably you). You are unbearable, capable of breaking anyone from lack of connection and unable to express love in ways even an animal can.
This videos isn't about your pathology, it's just about colloquial fear of intimacy, so don't mix it. You wouldn't go around videos that talk about sadness and think they mean clinical depression.
@@thecorruptversion ooooh, who taught you it's ok to be so vicious. I won't indulge the conversatin since you don't know how to be respectful.
@@ariellaabrahams I don't care, I wasn't planning on having a conversation with you, just expressing a point. In fact, even better; the more distance one can have from people like you, the better.
Btw, I just said the truth, but truth hurts. Respectful is being able to reciprocate the love you receive, so you're the least capable person of talking about "respect".
@@vincenzoderasis6674 yes, being misled about a persons agenda is quite cruel if it's intentional. It does seem that most people struggling with intimacy have childhood abuse or neglect issues and aren't trying to hurt people but I hear what you're saying. It still hurts
@@thecorruptversionOMG are you ok??
Excellent as ever. Thank you, SOL.
The essence of authentic intimacy in intimate bonds is when two humans can strip off their "armour", and reveal their true, naked selves - in mind, body, and soul. This is the ultimate sign of a richly fulfilling, enduring relationship.
N it is rare n maybe happens once in your life n wen it does you end up marrying n having kids with someone else lol
Thank you very much……been there done that and as a result got shredded beyond repair. Invariably when you show your weakness people do or try to take advantage of. It is sad but it is a fact.
And now what ?? you get blamed for not being intimate, but in the end, as you mention, it’s those who claim to want it who are incapable to be intimate.
A temper tantrum is not intimacy……it is just plain selfish abuse.
Oh boy, that was me!! Spent most of my life wanting others to be intimate with me, but I was petrified and always blamed the other person. Of course, it was not entirely my fault, but I never did pick a man who truly wanted to work on the relationship, and try to become friends. I think I could have become more intimate given some education, and if my partner could have been more inclined, but really, that's not how they were wired, and probably still aren't...anyway, all from my childhood....And now, I very much enjoy and love at times, living alone, and being on my own, something I was running from my whole life, never thought I could be alone. I think a lot of people in relationships, stay in bad relationships, because they do not want to be alone. But guess what, it can be so liberating and wonderful! I have never been happier!! I have some good friends too.💟
A relationship requires two people. A lot of people are afraid to admit that if there is a problem with the relationship that it's rarely only one person to blame.
Not afraid, just sick of the rejection.
Yes for sure
Ive been hearing it for years, finally had to look it up... it IS Alain de Botton narrating. Enjoyed his lectures many years ago now. Had thought myself crazy for hearing his voice within these words. May be that I am mad, yet not on this. Phew! Love these reminders of introspection. I dont do it nearly enough. AdB the philosopher for our time. His thoughts carried by words, hold a deeper meaning as Ive grown within myself in a dynamic world. Thank you.
Maybe we need to also define intimacy. For some intimacy is just a physical thing and for others it is more than that, which leads to a cycle of frustration. I think that people just need to be honest about who they are and what they want
Oof, if only people came with labels like a can of food telling us all their content.
I'm always astonished at the maturity and intelligence of your videos. Thank you.
Excellent, as always. Thank you. This is so true. I am the one who was in a marriage with someone who feared intimacy, and I complained about it a lot. I see now and acknowledge that I chose him for the very reasons stated here. : )
Yeesssss!! It is so gratifying to have this message presented! I continue to research attachment styles and it’s frustrating and boring to continually see comments (and even videos) demonizing the unavailability and/or inconsistent availability in relationships with people who have predominantly avoidant or disorganized attachment styles. I am yet to see any of the people who feel victimized by emotionally unavailable people take accountability for their own choices to remain in these relationships, ones where the needs and desires they are conscious of aren’t met. Thank you very much for addressing such an important issue!
Perfect pairing: peaches & cream
10/10 for animation. They are heart warming. Doing a fantastic job of making this very scary issue tolerable ❤
Thank you for this page, really.
I’m very afraid of intimacy, this video describes me very well. My childhood was full of trauma.
Never have I see a channel that understands its audience type of person as much as you guys, that’s next level😂
😂😂
the animation is so good, so fun to watch
That was very helpful. Thanks Alain!
This is so spot on.
Some how yall know what I'm going through, every time.
Excellent representation of the anxious-avoidant dynamic!
I don't have a girlfriend, but still it made me cry by just empathising
Trying to focus on the message but it's hard with such great and hilarious animation. Great one!
The peach laying face down with 'please hug me' written on the yard was peak comedy.
I’m afraid because it’s out of your control and you don’t know what to expect, like a box of chocolates 🍫 😢
Perfect timing, having come to realise this, this week.
Hits the nail on the head
I was emotionally open once, it was used as an insult against me not much later after, and every time it was argumentatively necessary.
Y'all can have it I'm good.
Ofc not verbatim but this: "We complain. And yet, out of all possible options, we still chose them. We have to consider this" felt like being dumped with the cold water of realization and reality 💀
The animation is so lovely ❤ i thoroughly enjoyed this cideo
i've recently learned about Attachment Theory, and see these Peaches & Cream characters as the Anxious & Avoidant personalities.
This video seems to assume a steady state of intimacy. However, early in a relationship a partner can seem very open to intimacy because it is mostly physical and emotional intimacy, but later, when real love actually develops, there is more "heart" at risk and so the walling off of intimacy begins. I think this is a pretty common pattern that the video doesn't speak to.
Have you been looking at my Google search history? 🧐
Jokes aside, I feel like I am the other partner in this scenario (the cream can). I'm not exactly touchy-feely. I always unintentionally keep people an arm's length away physically and emotionally. I got into a relationship this year but it ended quickly. I tried to be more intimate, but it felt unnatural and only made me more anxious, and not in an exciting kind of way. More like a self-conscious, in-your-head kind of way. I read that I may be an avoidant attachment type.
They say the anxiously attached always end up with a dismissive attached lol .. they love to chase the unavailables
Love from India sir
It helps to remember that relationships are mirrors into ourselves. We may complain about our partner's behavior, but it's not what is causing us misery - it's our expectation from our partner to give us something we're incapable of creating in ourselves that causes the disappointment, misery, and chaos.
“Relationship is a process of self-revelation - revelation of oneself through contact with others. Others can help us to see ourselves as we are, but this revelation is denied to us if we depend upon them or use them for our gratification or happiness.” - J. Krishnmurti
The video title hits home
the "with plenty of available options before us" part is something I don't necessarily agree with...
You have to remember that video channels with hundreds of thousands of views are run by "the elite". They have coin, connections, crews, clout, computer code, control, communities, and opportunities. Most of the time, they automatically assume that everyone ELSE experiences the world as do they--which is clearly incorrect. 🙂
It's just like a wealthy and successful person telling a poor and unknown one: "just do better! work harder! build wealth. make connections". 🙄 It's like... uh, yeah, sure brah. It's that easy, NP, NBD. 🤮
Nice that you got your first A380's in, well done. @ 2,34.
Why are your videos always on time with whats happening with me omg
Good video
I'm afraid and yet want it at the same time,it's such a draining inner confliction 😞
I think we choose emotionally unavailable partners in an attempt to reconcile feeling unloved by an emotionally unavailable parent. Also that allows us to blame our partner for our own hidden fear of intimacy because on some level that distance and disconnection feels safe and known to us.
I feel like I’m having this issue! Been avoiding getting into relationship with girls and in my head n.1 reason was that I was afraid to hurt them unintentionally because of…well, my flaws of human nature…
Still having this mindset now that I’m 20. I feel like I had some family stuff that could have provoked that feeling, but I wonder will I be ever able to overcome this. For now, I’m just not considering “playing” with other people and reluctant to relationship at all.
I can see myself with someone but only when I decide that they I really the right person and I’m at the stage of life where I’m ready for it…
In the meantime, there are many cool ladies in my uni, but I feel like I intentionally don’t progress my relationships with them and cut them off once the interest rises on their part. Damn, I’m traumatised 😅
Therapy can help with this
After 30+ years of dating all sorts of women, putting up with their emotional neuroses, bringin' 'em flowers, singin' to 'em, marrying one (and requesting the div later on), and finally rolling the dice on the last and only "best connection" I ever had... but that situation *also* being poisoned by the female's NPD, DID, OCD, Anxiety, etc. ... ummm, NO THANCOO ANYMORE! 😁 I'm good. Eetz fine, son. I served my time, did my best, supported many of 'em in their darkest hours, and always went above and beyond. But I'm ready to enjoy my last few years in awesome solitude! 🥂 I like it; it's bloody fantastic, TBH. I wasn't used to it until 2020 or so, but now, I LOOOVE EET! 😁
Peaches 🍑 & Cream! 🥛 love it. ❤️ adorable animation
This doesn't take into consideration the very real fact of intimacy changing, particularly before and after marriage.
It shouldn’t
@@yeuruuerueeheue True, but people have said about that for eons, and it happens in most relationships...
Good point
🎯
Humans arent meant to be monogamous
Because they don't trust anyone everyone is manipulative if you let your gaurd down worse things happens....
It' s so confusing . At times, I'm so tired, with so little certainties in my effort to understand myself or others, especially when in a close relationship. Everything gets so complicated, mashed up, both individually and as a couple. It's Sunday today. I value being by myself and not wanting to need to understand. I don't want to know.
Nice❤
Me before even watching the video: YES
Ain't this something to have late at night
It's me, even when others wanted to get close to me, I fled. I can't help.😢
Pause @ Peaches and cream 😭
I don't understand anything, but good work.
Not afraid, only sometimes stressed and worry
Growing up with a malignant narcissistic mother paved the way for taking care of others to the deficit of myself. Well, party is over or should I say party just getting started 🤣💪🏽🥰🐬💐
We are afraid of intimacy; the question is who do we actually WE refer to? The importance of WE is essential for us to be in the want of intimacy! We don't bother if some people gathered together for sometime for some purpose may impact us differently and in different levels of depths to each one in the confluence! We don't have much to fear of not having something we'd otherwise consider when an incongruency is noticed by the people in question, who is or are affected matters according as each one has been involved in others! The chosen ones, for example,for their holding inside them that inconsistency shouldn't have occurred and these people would be happy if the going was as it has been! But for the rest of the confluence of people it doesn't carry much weight if ever such occurred! The later section have nothing to do if someone apparently intimate stumbles on something for his discomfiture depite the fact that there maybe one or two who identify the incongruency as theirs and the intimacy gets a hit when these people see that they are better off not to lose intimacy for its sake and they try their level best not to fall in the dangers of losing intimacy! Intimacy has different levels of it and it grows like fondness in us and we become closer and closer but for our being in a civilized growth we fix the line of being intimate and this habit of fixing our lines made us afraid of going forward to break the line even when we shouldn't be tied ourselves in the fear of being so intimate before we have a green signal from the place we consider enough to be intimate and the places from where we take a decision for going forward may start from the single person like us to a whole class or society! Nowadays we come of age, we are free to mix, we become intimate, we marry, we bear children, and we become old together and we are still intimate though the face of it has changed! Once we overcome the fear of bearing with the consequences of acceptance or unacceptance it's gives us a lifetime happiness of intimacy if our effort doesn't fall flat on the first approach but fear goes off with the efforts are made from both sides!
Great take, but it doesn’t take in to account violence and how a person’s behaviours often mirror there abuse, after being consistently bullied and abused for a considerable length of time anyone becomes guarded and unfeeling.
That Apple is so cute!
It is a peach and the can is a can of cream. Together, they make peaches and cream.
How about that, got a notice.
how
Cute video.
There is a difference between being afraid of intimacy and not wanting to share that private space with anyone.
I’m 50/50 to be honest, it’s according on the time of month🙂↔️
ha that's about me
This is kinda phenomenal, but why did I have to discover it at 12:10am on a work night while trying to shut my brain off? 😅
You guys couldn't have posted this at a more relevant time
What about the people who don't get to choose their partner 🤔
Not with the scarf and beret 😭😭
❤❤❤
Stop calling me out like this Alain!
Am I wrong.. to prefer to be with myself.
👏🏾
❤
I’ve only dated twice. I’ve never had a partner.
we need to normalize just leaving the relationship instead of trying to change people
I thought that's what every girl boss female post-breakup hit song is?
afraid? nah, but done with this and it's not even a sad feeling or thought
It's pretty blatant actually, I need no help recognizing that fear.
I'm not afraid of intimacy, I'm just allergic to zombies.
👫
Some people cannot imagine intimacy and so are scared that way. Others have a clinical condition that is hard “to get rid of”. Even your most vaunted sex neuroscientist cannot obtain intimacy because nothing ever comes out of it, as you can see for yourself. I mean, how many times are we going to do this? I got all the sex that I needed before I got married. It’s a pain in the ass.
I feel like this video was directed at me..
i just hate people 😂😂
O god, thinking of narty stuff
I suppose I have a fear of intimacy. But I have no interest in getting over it. Whatever rewards I would get from getting over it, such as sex, isn't worth it to me. I don't require sex and I find it disgusting. It's really kind of sad to me how so many people cannot seem to live without having sex and are completely dependent on someone else to have their needs met. The need is so strong for many that they even victimize countless people in order to have it met. Sex is really an ugly unfortunate part of life that we only look at positively because of the heady cocktail of neurotransmitters an orgasm gives.
Intimacy and sex can be different things. Although sex can be called 'being intimate' it doesn't mean it is the only form of intimacy a person can experience. Family and friend relationships can sometimes be the richest and most rewarding forms of intimacy. Some people who identify as asexual can really thrive from other forms of intimacy and not feel starved for it. Being a human often means seeking out others for stimulation and growth, the absence of stimulation actually can negatively affect your biology. So in short, we all are governed by our nature by default but our nurture is what helps us grow.
👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
If it’s named Virginia Wolff.
I don't know about this video. I'm not afraid of intimacy, but have found myself with people like that. It can take a long time to learn what they're really like, some hide it well. So, no, we don't choose these people. If someone is emotionally unavailable, just leave them, find someone who will actually appreciate you. It's painful trying to draw blood from a stone otherwise.
I interpreted the video to mean whether or not you are consciously aware of how that person really is, you are the one who invited that person into your life as a partner, at that time, out of the 8 billion people in the world. I knew a coworker, who was a bright, pretty, and vivacious woman who claimed she was unlucky with partners because all her exes would reveal themselves to be entertaining but vain and possessive men. Yet she still was aware enough to acknowledge she was the common denominator because she was attracted to the same polished turds.
- 0:04❤ Sometimes, in relationships, we blame our partner for being "afraid of intimacy" while seeing ourselves as emotionally open.
- 0:48🤔 However, we forget that we chose our partner willingly, which complicates our narrative of victimhood.
- 1:33🚫 Critically, our behavior may undermine our desire for intimacy if we belittle or criticize our partner.
- 2:16🔍 A mature approach involves recognizing that both partners may fear intimacy, not due to malice, but past experiences.
- 2:53🛤 A sincere path to intimacy starts with acknowledging our own tendency to blame and accepting our shared vulnerabilities.
- 3:19🤝 Ultimately, understanding our shared fears can lead to compassion and tenderness in the relationship.
The issue is the that we choose parteners knowing that they lack intemacy and expect them to act like they aren't. We value artificial things in choosing parters and neglect these kinds of characteristics which become and issue long term specially after marriage.
The is no reason to sigh my comment of truth, for the majority of married people (and long term relationships, which I'll define as 5 to 10 years or more). In the USA, the divorce percentage is 40-50%, and for 2nd marriages up to 2/3rds. Of course many many more people are in loveless, or near loveless marriages, that of course weren't like that from the beginning. Maybe you'll change your idealism once you've experienced it yourself. Everyone wants to be 'special' and 'different', but reality catches up with people. Sure, marriage should not depreciate the relationship, and is it marriage itself, or just being with someone exclusively for a long, long time... when the media and celebrity cult worshipping portrays how 'exciting' it is to be with 10000 others in a lifetime, sexually. That combined with 'keeping up with the Jones's' and 'the pasture is greener on the other side of the fence', stupidity... 'Well, So-and-So gets to go on an overseas holiday every 3 months, and Such-and-Such gets a new car every year'... combining the perceived best traits of multiple 'others' to combine in their head some mythical 'perfect match for me, and it ain't you'... and ignoring each other the recombined people's flaws and faults, like maybe 'So-and-So', is molesting their step child and 'Such and Such' bashes their spouse half to death at least 4 times a year... those negative flaws/faults not 'publicly broadcast', however. It is a bit like the story of the man that wanted to show the world how strong his love was for his wife... so he trained for and climbed all of the tallest peaks in every continent... mean while his found out when he finally completed the challenge, that his wife was banging the drug-addicted neighbour. She justifies it to her devitated husband (and to herself) as, 'well, at least he was here!'. All of her delusional friends, where 'every women is a 10/10', where 'every women's every action is fully justified' and 'believe women (without question)' know that that is sufficient reason, and, 'that's the end of it, move on'.
Intimacy? No thanks. I've been 💩 on too many times to fall into that pointless insanity again!
lol
First 😃