The Quiet Cruelty Of A Passive Aggressive Narcissist
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 พ.ย. 2024
- When you fail to give narcissists their supply, they look for ways to punish. Sometimes they can be overtly harsh in their treatment toward you, but commonly, they can employ passive aggressive tactics. This is especially true with covert narcissists. Dr. Les Carter describes how there is an ongoing cruelty in their method, but as you see through their schemes you can become self-preserving.
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Withholds affection, ignores you, doesn't keep his word, keeps you waiting, won't look at you, doesn't return calls or emails, tries to make you feel small, stirs the pot then acts innocent when you get angry.
Boy that “keeps you waiting” comment really hit home! It’s a control tactic!
@NatalieHilleman
Nobody keeps you waiting. Do your own thing. Do what is respectful towards yourself and others.
If you need confirmation from others, then don't bother with what you were planning to do.
They are really kids in adults bodies.
Yet you can’t ignore them, you must give affection at their beck and call, don’t make them wait, etc.
@@jukes243 you nailed it!! I know someone who this describes perfectly.
Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their disrespect
Isn't that the truth?!
It truly is mind blowing -how dare you show any feelings of your own -crazy train- I didn’t create it -I didn’t cause it-and I can’t cure it!-I just go gray rocking on
I called it crazy-making way back in the early 80's.
I always thought to myself, "He drives me crazy, so he can call me crazy."
I could feel in my soul, that he was standing there, leaning back on his heels, watching in silence and laughing inside at how upset I would eventually become. Then, point his finger at me, and accuse me of overreacting.
Eventually, I realized it was how he got his jollies; how he managed to feel superior.
@@chachadodds5860 wow. This is my life. ...
Thank you for articulating it in one line! When I refused to do what she wanted me to do because she had been disrespecting me, she turned the entire community against me. And i am left wondering why people have turned against me! Because I stood up for myself! What manipulation has gone in the background (that I have no clue of!?)
Under-the-radar aggression until one reacts, then the “Woe is me” melodrama immediately premiers on the world stage. Manipulators
Exactly. Bette Davis would have returned every oscar if she'd witnessed my mother's dramas.
One of the meanest VERY subtle passive aggressive stuff from my brother recently was: "Would you stop blocking the way to the fridge, away, thank you" ... that sounds like nothing, but the way he says these micro aggression insults, is beyond measure. I fully ignore him now. He can annoy other people now.
Remember folks, passive aggressive is still aggressive. They're still setting out to intentionally hurting you. It's an attack, every bit as much as someone swinging a crowbar at you is.
Isn't that true.... and boy do they hate it when you attempt to show them that passive aggressive behavior is abusive hurtful destructive ... they don't see it .. they really find great pride in ignoring and being silent.. not for a 30inute break to stop the flooding and come back to resolve.. but hours, days, weeks ... it can make you sick! I prefer the crowbar.
@@926paaja My dad was a covert narc, and passive aggressive was his standard MO. I never tried to show him it was abusive, hurtful, or destructive. He knew all that, that's why he was doing it. He hated when I called him out on it directly. "Dad, that's a lie. You KNOW it's a lie, you're lying on purpose with the intent to hurt others. That's not acceptable, stop it." No contact now for several years, best years of my life.
If you can get away from your narc, DO IT.
Swinging a crowbar is the same yeah okay
@@deadmanswife3625 ,it feels like it
@@nichecalhoun5513 my dad actually hit my brother over the head with a two-by-four because he didn't have the wood chopped I think it felt worse
There’s always plausible deniability with them- it’s your appraisal of the situation vs theirs, and they have unlimited excuses and lies. They know they’ve done something to hurt you but they will give you 50 explanations as to why you are wrong about them. I always remember- once is an accident, twice is a pattern…and they will never be accountable. They want you to break down…
Exactly!
I’m worried that if I find someone to date and they turn on me too with the family, I don’t think I could take anymore abuse and betrayal
Story of my life. Cut off relations a few years ago with a toxic narcissistic elder sister. My God! You have captured the essence of her character. Selfish, brutal, body shaming, jealousy, greed for power, fame , wealth, manipulative, pleasant and jovial in public eye, associating only with rich and powerful people, brutally sidelining poor relatives, exploiting siblings and mother financially, even intellectually, absolute lack of conscience or repentance, breeding negative energy, playing the victim when exposed and called out. We're not worried about how her karma plays out. We're just glad to be rid of her and get on peacefully. Truly.
You are so correct.I just stay strong, and keep on track for my goals to get away/move out;
They will literally try to make you feel bad for realizing the truth & calling them out on it!
Always. It's always the victim's fault, never theirs.
@@bobtaylor170 Always. When confronting them on anything it's the equivalent of when we were kids and used to repeat "I know you are, but what am I"? over and over again. Or sticking their thumbs in their ears waggling their fingers and chanting "I can't hear you" over and over again.
@@freelilbird the worst part was they kept saying I was trying to justify myself, the last thing I said is that’s what you love to do, try to justify!!
Some of them gave into that 😈 n they don't realize it......
My right now. Smh.
I came across the following quote that I had saved a while ago… it still resonates with me!!! “If someone gets angry with you for setting a boundary, consider that as a good sign that the boundary was necessary.”
~ Jenna Korf ~
(Relationship Coach)
Exactly! It is good to test new people and say „No“ to something they ask.
I had an unpleasant exchange at work today and this quote is what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Wow! That is great. I'm borrowing that one!
So absolutely true! I told a male friend of mine today to please not let people believe that we are a couple.. because he has done this several times and .....he got really mad.. which only showed me how badly the boundary needed to be set! Thank you for your comment it resonates 😃
@@ultraviolet6989 ‘Unpleasant’ describes a lot of the narc vibes & jibes :/
My God - my entire family is even sicker than I thought possible
That's what you get with "so called Family".......
They are deep down evil. But afraid to show it outright. They bait you in many different ways. Then when you go off...they are smug and can say "See everyone she's crazy. I told you."
Yeap, but He/I'm the crazy one.
Expression of anger isn't crazy. Don't trust a crazy-maker.
Exactly.
So through out of my childhood, I’ve never really felt “emotionally safe”, not so much my immediate family although they are toxic in their own right but it’s manageable..it’s my extended family is where it starts to feel dangerous like I can’t be myself and since my aunt has been passive aggressive and does micro aggressions to attack me, it’s almost like I have no proof because no one notices it..I’ve always felt like my aunts family has disrespected me, taken digs at me, thinks I’m a loser, etc throughout my childhood and I’ve reactively abused them in return recently after years of being put down..I forgot what kind of point I was trying to make but for years I’ve kept it inside until I started drinking and texting family members about how I really feel..now my aunt is REALLY ANGRY towards me..I’m so over these a-holes
Like she’s angry at me even though she’s been passive aggressive and nasty to me for years while I stood and took it..I don’t know where her anger stems from but I do think there’s some far back issues she has with my mom that she triangulates it to the kids in the family
Passive aggressive narcissists enjoy the misery that they inflict. My ex had a malicious grin on his face during his times of cruelty. A grin!! These PA people do want you to hurt.
I know that grin. Same demon. Thank God I'm out.
Yessss my soon to be ex husband has literally smirked at me numerous times even while having severe anxiety and panic attack thinking I'm dying and everyday I remember that evil smirk and it's whats given me the courage and determination to make an exit
I also got the evil smirk during the discard speech. He brought up things from 20 and 30 years in the past that had been at the time they occurred, traumatic. BUT when he brought them up, and I saw the smirk, I immediately knew what he was trying to do. I grayrocked him during his speech. I simply tried to be clinical, to listen to what he was saying but to not personalize it.
They want to win.
These are the most harmful and dangerous narcissists. This describes perfectly 20 years with my ex husband. If you're normal you can't imagine people can be this cruel so you think it's you.
Yes! And there were no answers as to Why. Until finding therapist like Dr. Carter
You are a phenomenal doctor and friend. I have listened to you for years and you’ve kept my mind stable and my life
Far more valuable and
Clear
@@Jessica_Lynn3007 You’re right. Normal people can be devoured by these mean people and not even realize it.
This was my mother to a tee. Over 50 years of cruelty from her before I learned who/what she was and cut her off. She went absolutely nuts and mobilized her legion of flying monkeys against me, many of whom still malign me after her death. It matters not. I cut them all out of my life too and moved 1000 miles away. The peace is indescribable. Today, I cut off anybody who shows any narcissistic traits. I'm not living what remains of my life with any of those people in it.
Ditto
Been there done that except my move was 12000 kilometers. And I have learned how to deal with ( outside of family & their flying monkeys) Narcists without allowing them to control me.
@@beebee9803 Exactly what I went through, and also exactly how I feel.
Well done Joshua ❤️
Good for you! Don't waste another moment of this beautiful gift of life.
Never call them on their behavior! That's just plain stupid! Walk away while living your best life as it is the best revenge!
If you haven't been there.... Don't just give advice that is not easy as if it is.. For most of us it wasn't.
I have and calling them out just makes everything worse.
@@yellowdayz1800 Been there & done it so GTFU!
For 32 years I did not know I was dealing with a narcissist. The divorce is one month away. Thank you for revealing that I am not crazy.
Peggy Ritchter,You deserves better
What were the behaviors please?
Well done you Peggy 💯. I'm afraid to call it a day but hopefully one day I'll get there. God bless you.
I’m at 28 years Peggy and trying to find a way out. I truly understand where you’re coming from. ❤
I have 45 years of abuse behind me. Been with him since age 15. I was going to leave when he retired. Now he has been diagnosed with Parkinson's and Lewy Body dementia. It's the first time in my marriage he has been nice to me. I wonder why?
They do it because they’re cowards. The ultimate mouth breather.
Yes yes yes. Cowards
@lauranwilson1888 cowards, totally.
Being on the receiving end of passive-aggressiveness wears you down to a nub. When I finally put myself into counseling for my symptoms of trauma, and discovered I had C/PTSD, I was told by my therapist that contempt for someone in this form of passive-aggressive behavior is actually very dangerous. She said that anybody who can treat someone with such disdain and utter lack of respect, empathy, and compassion can also physically harm or even kill you. What an eye-opener for me to realize I had been immersed in this toxic tea for a lifetime. No wonder I was so sick and completely confused as to what was going on. I’m feeling the best I’ve felt in years now. It takes so much time and effort on our part to heal from this. Just keep going and rest when you need. You’ll get there! Thanks, Dr. C! #teamhealthy
Having trouble finding counselors and attorneys in my area that understand and would make the right argument in court
Journals are very helpful in court.
Yes. While they then are turning to one another shaking their heads in 'disbelief' as to why some of us are 'choosing' to suffer while continuing to be at risk when they are spinning more and more only twisted only a bunch of psychological theories as to why according to them that means we should be consuming only their products alone. Like more prescription drugs for our only through lack of positivity 'imagined' Peripheral Neuropathy symptoms. Much easier to leave asap and let them to their own devices and to their own current resources while cutting our losses in whatever way it takes so it isn't going to cost the lives of our children too.
I was completely brainwashed from the start. These toxic people are capable of murder. No contact was my only option.
Take care of YOU.
They NEVER have your back no matter how good you have been to them or how many sacrifices you’ve made for them. The only person who counts in their eyes is their own self. Period. There is no reciprocality at all. I wish I had seen through this nonsense a long time ago esp. before I had children. I feel upset at myself for giving him so many chances hoping he will ‘see the light’ one day. I wish I had given up a long time ago. Would have saved both my energy and peace of mind from being wasted like this.
Amen!
Very good insight. Don't blame yourself, these people are highly manipulative and they plan to deceive...if they were more obvious they would remain alone.
Ex H never had my back but he was never open about it and somehow managed to side step being supportive, it also took me years to see the pattern.
Your reply reminded me of his behaviour. After I left he went off with a friends wife and I know he will behave the same with her. She will be in the same place, confused that his declarations of love are not matched by his actions.
Perhaps you are referring to a son. If so, I so identify having recently realized this sad diagnosis in my adopted daughter. The subtle cruelty can do much damage until your eyes are fully opened. Then comes grief as well as relief at finally understanding.
So true!! Finally filed for divorce after 38 years - why do I feel like the loser when I sacrificed so much and cared so much about his happiness? Found naked pictures on his phone from a "friend with benefits" but somehow that was my fault too and he didn't express any remorse.
@@geezelouise3261 Never feel like a loser. You are the winner for having recognized a clever trickster, which is hard to do when you care for someone.
Horrible people to be in a relationship with 😢 I can't believe how much they enjoy it. It charges their batteries, while yours are sucked dry.
U got it, perfectly said
Messing with or mocking/joking to make a person feel small. This was huge in my life.
Me too. When one of my N's saw my results for the MBTI personality test, he said "Oh well, it's not your fault."
When it's coming from a parent in childhood boy that does a number lol
Difficult when one realizes this type of cruelty in a parent when late in life.
I hear you. feel that sadness, too. And am grateful to have a growing awareness. Seeing myself, my worth, through my own loving eyes like the parent(s) I would have loved to have. I’m so much more at peace. I realize it’s a lifetime journey and it’s so much more loving and peaceful now with healthy boundaries. All the best to you.
horrible😒😵
I am on the same boat as you all..❤
@@katiadelrieu5621 me too sis. sending you love and healing light!
I absolutely agree ! For all that I did know. . . (even as early as 2 1/2 years young, when I knew there was something REALLY WRONG with my family), and starting Alanon at age 14, (bc my tiny town had no other resources for me), and throughout the years, numerous periods of talk therapy, as well thousands of hour/dollars on self help books/ workshops, body work and healing retreats.
I look back now, at 65 years, and am stunned to finally SEE that, including my 'birther', I have been in 4 long term narcissistic "situationships", as well, 3 short-lived attempts at NPBD chaos and trauma. (I can no longer, in good conscience call them relationships . . . Look up the definitions).
I finally faced the reality of my childhood one year ago, and ALL THE PUZZLE PIECES ARE FINALLY COMING IN TO FOCUS.
My God . . . the dread, sadness of my youth, and now guilt for being 'so stupid' as to not see the ocean of poison I was raised in; and new remorse at believing I provided a much better environment for raising my beautiful children in, which I now see - I DID NOT. 😢
Struggle as I have to improve my life, as a BriggsMeyers INFJ, I have been a perfect sick match for NPBD.
Starting as a child, my whole life view has been, "Can't we all just be nice and get along??!?". My Bro has called that naievte', but I swear, if I'd always been as angry and cynical as he is, I would have died by 10 years old.
Since 2011, I declare to Spirit every day, "I want to die HEALTHY, IN EVERY WAY ! SO, SEND ME "THE WORK" AND PROVIDE THE LOVING SUPPORT I NEED, TO BRING PEACE."
My inner life is still hard, but I am realizing more calm, self compassionate, adult-on-board perspectives and feelings of inner safety in my daily life.
Mine has always been a hard road, but
I trust that everything works out and the best is on its way. 🙏🏻💙💛💪🙏🏻
It's so hard to get anyone to believe you or listen to you when the narcissist is good at public-face while gossiping about you. I recently heard that love is wanting the other to be happy and wanting them to feel safe. These are not things that a narcissist wants for us.
That's where they get their victim supply. It's never about them being wrong. It's always someone else who is the problem.
@@shelley7975 well put!
I forgot what love feels like
Being a totalling, cheater and financial theif is how my ex got his jollies.
Not only turning people against other people but also becoming very manipulative and becoming the gate keeper contacting other people. These people put a lot of effort into blocking other peoples communication and making them the sole conduit to getting to relatives .
Dr.Carter you hit the narcissistic nail on the head, your title is spot on "quiet cruelty".
If I could repeatedly hit the "like" or "thumbs up" on your post- I would!!! YOU hit the nail on the head with your comment. I must say I wondered for years why he would say and do such mean hurtful things. I wondered if he realized how hurtful he was being. Never ever considering that he actually ENJOYED what he was doing to me!! Truly sick. Truly ill themselves!!
She knows how to make me suffer , These words from a dear man , who sought only to care ,love and serve , as best he knows how , The ambition of his wife was to have children , He's a great dad , but oh how he's being demoralised , and demolished , It is a tragedy gathering , she plays ALL the games and thinks no one sees , But God does , and so do most folks , Its so sad, because the beauty of what God has in their future is being sabotaged by old patterns of self centered choices ,DO narcs, ever repent , or submit to a better way?
@@rlnstn9300 exactly she would do whatever she could to destroy me and make me suffer and hurt, all the time pretending it was all on accident and Could I think she was doing this on purpose. Oh how much I have suffered.
I worked for a physician who was like this. He treated wealthier people quite well, but the rest of them had to beg and plead to have their insurance forms etc. filled out. His next employee called me to ask whether I had noticed that! Yes, and sooooo much more.
@@rlnstn9300 Very true
With these people all you can say is, "Whatever you win for winning this argument, congratulations. I'm not playing"
My covert narc sis absolutely lost it when I said "life is not a competition".
That makes their brain short circuit
When I say I'm not playing your game... he says see you don't want to hear how you're the problem you can't handle it .. and if I dare say ok.. tell me... what's my issue... he will say lollool.. nope not playing this game.. I'm done talking .. and leave . Lolol it's INSANEEEEEEE
@@926paajaoh my goodness, exactly! And how do you articulate that to them in a way they can understand.
OMG! Yes! All of the above!
I spent forty-three years in silent torment. It's the worst form of gaslighting. I used to say that I was doggy doo-doo, on the bottom of his boot. That's how he treated me.
It brought me to the point that I nearly wound up in a mental institution, sitting in a rocking chair, staring blankly out the window. Had I told anyone at the time, that's where I'd be today. As it was, I had to crawl my way out of that deep, black hole, all on my own.
It emptied me of my very soul. I lost everything, and everyone. I will never be the same person I once was.
He still uses the court system to torture me, every couple of years. This kind, won't stop until they extirpate you from the planet.
Until you become educated, you can't quite put your finger on what it is they are doing to you that's so crazy-making. You can't explain it to anyone, even if you tried. Of course, no one would believe you anyway, because they seem like such nice guys to everyone else.
I am so sorry you suffered so much. Hoping you have improved the last 3 mo. I also lost 40+ yrs. I lost me. I had to accept this was my journey. I hope for a good 10 yrs, free and healing. There are so many of us out here. You are part of this community of people reaching for healing
Hope you are empowered knowing that. XXOO
You described my life of 31 years marriage and I say the same thing that I am dog poo on the end of his shoe. BUT, think how much better life is going to be without them dragging us down every single day.
I'm so sorry that you have suffered so much. I can completely relate to crawling out of a big black hole. Well done! Cut him off completely and pray to God to receive the holy spirit so that this can fill your empty soul and heal you completely, from the inside out. xxx
@@lindawise5546 me too. 🦊
@@gillianpears1711 you feel alone. Some of us truly are, these type get you to move where they can control you away from your family and friends, and around their family and friends . I had No idea until at his funeral 4 years ago when he was 16 he slit his sister wrist to see what would happen, she was telling people what he did to her and then his brother told me how he had hit him in the head with a steal pipe and showed me the scare. I had children with this person and supported him every way I could. You just don't know people sometimes because they "act" .
Once you fall off the pedestal they put you on, they see and treat you as their adversary. One of the hardest parts for me was that no one, including my sibling and my best friend, believed that this “wonderful” man could do any wrong.
Yes, and try having one of your kids fall for it too. There's a lot out there of everybody talking about their narcissistic parents but I don't see as many comments about people whose narcissistic spouse undermined your relationship with your child and passed on their narcissistic traits to same child. You watch the child you love turn into somebody you don't recognize or even like anymore. You watch them using all the same tactics they learned so well from the manipulator and you will always wonder if they will ever wake up and see the truth. Because until they do, there's no chance for repair or healing your relationship with them.
@proudamerican2133 wow yes. Your comment. 😢
They are cruel and there never is a resolution.
So true. I weep as I realize this. There's never any resolution
Yes there is…, walk away from them.
31 here! Understood last September, and I am divorcing! But God what a chock to understand that I was used! Healing now
Yes, unfortunately they just get worse over time. One of the meanest VERY subtle passive aggressive stuff from my brother recently was: "Would you stop blocking the way to the fridge, away, thank you" ... that sounds like nothing, but the way he says these micro aggression insults, is beyond measure. I fully ignore him now. He can annoy other people now.
Spot on. The only thing that got me peace in my life is to go no contact. Game over!
Yes! Quiet cruelty - manipulating - score-boarding - controlling - punishing - degrading - no resolution. I never before considered that he was deriving enjoyment from inflicting pain deliberately over a long period of time. This video brought another level of clarity - Thanks, Dr. Carter.
Just sewer scumbags.
Oh these videos have brought so much clarity to my situation. It makes me sick that I gave so much of myself to him cuz once that times gone there's no bringing it back 😞😪
@@heathergatfield667 which makes this new time so much more precious. After the grief, and there will be some, you will realise.
Slowly getting there myself.
@@heathergatfield667 I can so relate to this comment. I spent 24 years with mine.
@@lc-bb6bd mine is my father. And my only daughter passed away last May 4th, 2021 & I'm now trying to fight for my grandson. That's literally all the family I got now. Oh I so just wanna bring that boy in & give him the biggest hug. I might not ever let go...lol.
Everything from a narcissist is designed to hurt you
Am 81 years old! I needed to know this 20 years ago. But better late than never! I now understand my daughter's silent treatment of me and will not struggle with it anymore. Thank you so much!
Bless you ma'am
Hugs to you my dear. Please know that you are not alone. There are others that know this experience, as I am one. Much love to and enjoy your life.❤
You are aware that if your daughter turnt out to be a narcissist, it’s likely your / the parents fault.
People do not become narcissistic for no reason. It’s trauma from childhood, especially early childhood.
Theirs is a chosen strategy of quiet cruelty. "Chosen" is right, they know they are hurting you, and they get a kick out of it! And how they lie! When you take your power back and stop playing their game, watch out and take care for your safety if you're too close to them. There is nothing so cruel they won't stoop to, if they think they can get away with it. With these people, your suspicions are not paranoid, and you're not crazy. Trust yourself, rely on your own good brain, and stay safe!
This is true and should be taken seriously.
Excellent. Perfectly explained.
@R C against Coercive Control, similar to what the U.K. now has , would be a good start.
My god this is so sad. How could anyone want to be so mean to someone that loves them no matter what. He was worse towards then end because he was doing alot of drugs. I know know how bad it was really until he passed away a few days after getting his check & hadn't paid any of the bills so he was doing & sharing alot of money* I hate knowing all this now. It confuses & m,akes me so sad*
Mine is gone* But thank You*
I recently had this same response to a narc and they actually looked at me and realized I wasn't playing the game anymore. Usually this passive aggressive behavior includes withholding affection, withholding sex, not remembering to do things around the house, promising to do something and not following through or making a bigger mess out of it. It truly is draining.
I was a victim right up until he passed away , but yes I was confused, hurt & tired when he went a drift. I didn't even realize until now that he felt none of my pain* Mine could very abusive also* I might of been in real danger I didn't even know it* God Bless You& I hope you find someone who will be good to you*
Once my wife got pregnant with our first son she completely cut off affection/sex it really messed me up.
Oh my, so true!
Withholding is a huge part of their punishment strategy. It's a potent weapon in their hands, and sucks your very soul from your body.
@@Gellybeanb1974 My ex always left the house and got drunk out of his head until he passed out, whenever he got annoyed at me or was faced with some decision we should have been working out together. He said once early on in our marriage that he had to leave the house because he might punch me right in the face. Sounded okay to stupid me.
The passive aggressive type is one of the worst types. They hide well, they are very good at picking their targets and they won't shift for anything or anyone. Sometimes not even for their own safety or well being. Watch out for them. It's a whole lot worse of course for people who have no choice but to co exsist with them. I find myself switching off a lot of the time when I'm dealing with my narcisist
I could see this in my mother, regarding the safety issue. I’m no mind reader, but I got the sense that she was killing herself, by ignoring she was diabetic. But that she also felt she’d take my sister and I down, by allowing her health to go to Hell. I went no contact, my sister stayed and mom died earlier this year. I did well, for myself, by leaving. My sister? Sounds like she’s losing her mind, post mortem. But, I saw it all coming, in watching the patterns and general trajectory. The self destruction. The, “I’m going to Hell and both of you are coming.” Nope.
@@privateprivate8366 Good for you. It is so painful to live with a mother who has made your life a living hell, then to watch her slowly self-destruct after you go no contact, but then make that last attempt to suck you in by being the victim of her own disordered mind, instead of you. It's so twisted, like watching a wraith get sucked back into hell. It's hard for people who don't have mothers like this to understand. I'm so glad you have this peace and clarity. I am still fighting off my mother's passive aggressive attempt to force me back to take care of her. Nope.
@inconceivabledark... Yes when you can't go no contact, grey rock is the only way to protect yourself, good for you. It really is like a covert war when you have to be around someone like this...It took me almost 50 years before I finally learned and accepted this way of behaving, because it goes so far against my nature to be so inauthentic and calculating. Sometimes I find it hard to switch back "on", because I have to be in protective mode so often. Working on that.
@@Quantum36911 yeah, I didn’t see it coming either. She’d always taken decent care of herself and looked younger than her years. But, after my stepfather died and she pursued a legal case that went nowhere, it looked like it took the life out of her and she started to turn on me. I’d say it was almost dementia, if it hadn’t started so many years ago.
Now that she’s gone, what she’s left is an angry, entitled and almost bullying younger sister, that it will take probate to also get my due and, ultimately, rid my life of, unless I die, in the interim.
As many can see and many have noted, these people are like one guy said: a gypsy curse. You can’t get rid of them, unless you disappear and everyone blames you, for not embracing and fixing them, thus ruining the entirety of your life.
@@Quantum36911 communication with other people out side of that environment definitely helps for me.
They love to use their flying monkeys as pawns to attack you.
The lesson we need to learn is not to allow the ugliness of their behavior and entitlement to harm us. Narcissists are extremely unhappy individuals. They get their kicks out of bringing you down to their level.
But they are stupid enough not to realize that due to their actions they are unhappy and miserable. If they had a drop of wisdom they would change their ways and become human again, to feel a soul and feelings of happiness, but they are dumb.
My Mother is a narcissist. I had to remove her from my life for my own mental/emotional health . Too toxic.
Same here. I hope you are doing better now!
Same here. Im currently in the process of trying to move out of my place thats on her property and its been a year of a living hell. I cannot wait to get to a point where we are completely no contact.
Same. I'm 66 years old and my mother is still living and healthy. We gave her and my father their first grandchild. We gave them multiple opportunities to spend time with their grandson. They always had an excuse then blamed me for the estrangement saying "we never get to see him". Classic passive aggressive behavior of narcissists. It took me YEARS to recognize who both my parents truly are. I'm no contact with my mother and it feels great.
Same here...take care of yourself and best wishes dear one!!!
Same here! Lots of therapy !
Narcs are horrible, especially with their creepy passive-aggressive tactics. Everything is a game to them. They are the chronic trouble maker, and they thrive on it. That's why completely blocking them completely out is vital.
My ex would call me a trouble maker, projection much?
The narcissist in my life is a sibling....a brother. As a female, I find this intolerable and have lived with it for my mother's sake for 40 years. She's passed away, and now I am FREE. And, how did the brother take it...SHOCKED and unable to do anything about it. Check Mate.
Exactly. I always say the best way to deal with a narc is not dealing with them at all.
They are so creepy. I’ve found mine staring at me when I thought I was alone. It really freaks me out.
Agreed! Everything you thought and hoped was genuine was not. They are pure filth.
What astonishes me is HOW MANY of these there are. Entire families, groups---all gaining from your Pain. And they like it, so its double prizes for them.
Not the real passive aggressive abusers. Les waters this down a lot..
The real ones are not a whole family... Those are mild abusers. People think they been so abused by a narc... And the real reactionary abusers /passive aggressive abusers... Can lead one to suicide and many health problems in a very short time. They are pschopathic men and women to the very CORE of their being. They would never be able to live together without killing each other etc people stop assuming normal level of difficulty in relationships is narc abuse.
Its so evil. This sums up some men I know of. Cruel indeed
Any warmblooded target will do...🎯
Just a curious question to all. How many here had their narcs get mad at them when you would come down sick?
This is just something that just now hit me out of the blue. Just one of the many memories that hit me for no reason what-so-ever.
Looking back i can not recall one time where my ex narc even offered to pick up the patenting role when i would become sick and there was a high number of times she would yell and scream at me simply because i was so sick i could not get out of bed to care for myself let alone wait on her desires and commands.
One time i was in the hospital after having been throwing up and pooing blood and she was so selfish she hopped in my hospital bed to sleep and forced me out of it.
During the last month we were together after 23 years she drove me to the point of a third suicide attempt after i had internalized all the negative junk her and her family had been saying to me. I actually believed that if i was as bad as they were saying then i was a threat to the world and in my mind i believed i was saving everyone around me of any more misery by trying to end my life. First attempt i walked into traffic only to suffer a couple broke bones, second time took 250 bynadryll but was thrwarted because i became delirious, this last time i nearly starvrd and dehydrated myself but on day 4 my 9.year old daughter sat on my lap and put of nowhere told me how much she loved me and needed me. When i went to the hospital to check myself in my narv got mad at me and told me "get my car home and go to bed and die."
I think she knew once i gor away from her into a safe place that she would be exposed. Well she was, i woke up. By the grace of god there just happened to be another man in there whose life mirrored mine and i seen i was not alone. I made plans for how i was going to escape her bondage and followed through. That was 3-8-21. Today i am 28 days away from our divorce, my emancipation day, 6-15-22
If i can escape so can anyone.
My ex in my one moment of suicidal ideation (bc of hopelessness in dealing with his relentless never-ending demands) immediately leaped to call me ‘mentally ill’ and ‘disgusting’ which I think was an effort to push me over the edge. I didn’t give him the satisfaction and called suicide hotline and got myself help. And when I had surgery he was supposed to take time off work to care for me. Set this up months in advance. (He worked deployed, so he had to arrange to come home for my surgery date) I was tasked with picking him up at the airport (2 hr drive 1-way) and learned as I dutifully picked him up that he’d completely ‘forgotten’ my surgery and had instead put a non-refundable payment down on a bear hunt in Idaho he’d leave on the very next day, be out of cell service, no electricity, no internet for 4 days. My surgery was the next day. I was stuck going thru that alone as well as caring for kids, pets, home heated with wood. He returned to dump a pile of laundry on me and have me drive him back to airport to return to work. He saw no bears, but did $pend even more on frozen bear meat🤷♀️🙄🤯
@@thekellers5041 ty 4 sharing
Yes that sounds right. They get mad at you for inconveniencing them and taking the attention off of them. I'm so glad to hear your divorce is so close ❤️❤️
I was in the hospital, nearly dying from a pancreatitis flare(I have CP), and all I got was, " Get in touch when you're better." No offers to help, no visits, nothing. These people have remarkable ways of detaching from any situation or circumstance that doesn't provide what they want. God forbid they get sick, though! Then, they expect you to be falling over yourself with concern, because clearly, their illness is completely debilitating and they need constant care...cue the sad face and sniffles. Coverts are masters at manipulating you into feeling sorry for them. Overgrown chronic complainers, with zero emotional intelligence,or ability to regulate themselves. I'd feel pity for them if they weren't trying to siphon every bit of energy we (mostly) healthy people possess. I'm sorry for anyone who falls prey to the insidious covert narcissist, or any narc♥
@@joanna0988 ty
Sulk!Yes! I told a counselor I couldn't stand up for myself because my narc pouts. She said something that saved me. "No one ever died from pouting." ie he wont die and neither will I. Life changing. Basically, it was permission to stop people pleasing! He still pouts and I now don't give a rat's behind!
Sounds like my ex. I used to call him the incredible sulk!
@@Jessica-zf2df LOL 🤣
I had to ignore the pouting and move on.
My covert passive aggressive slow-moving trainwreck is on a four-year pout, hiding paperwork & retirement & himself. 25 years wasted and still trying to free myself from the tar pit. Sticky situation indeed.
no offense, just genuinely curious what the payoff is for you for staying with these men? i have also fallen into the trap, so i fully get it. my dad and stepdad, perhaps mother too are very narcissistic, so i understand a lot about why i had a compulsion to repeat. i wonder this about my own mother, who refuses to leave. i am asking bc id like to understand more about my mothers refusal to leave. is there some sort of drama, game-playing, self-denial thing that goes on? i sometimes think shes addicted to caretaking mean men, and gets a thrill when she can gain power and play back. its cost her pretty much her entire family including grandchildren. its a shame what happens to people and again, i am in the same boat in a lot of ways, i just can sense when i need to leave, when people are disturbing my path in this life.
Delicate detachment is the name of the game when you need to engage with covert narcissists. They are more sneaky and harder to identify than the loud overt narcs. No or low contact with them is the best course of action for mental health and peace of mind.
Delicate detachment - perfect!
Amen! Emotional parasites🤷♀️
Exactly! You just go about your business of building up your own life without saying anything to anyone especially the narc. Going Grey Man is the best way. Don’t ask them any questions about anything and don’t volunteer any information about anything. Learn to be comfortable with silence because the narc will always crack and try to niggle you with comments. My narc (ex partner) did that and for a long time I kept falling for it. Then I wised up and stopped engaging unless it was absolutely necessary. His reaction was priceless. I could see him trying to work out which button he could push to get a reaction because the old buttons stopped working. My replies would generally be “okay” with a peaceful smile when he started on his nonsense. And if tried to slam someone else I would say “you’re not wrong there” and it would baffle him why I wasn’t engaging. It was really fun too because he would get frustrated at my lack of reaction and then he would lay into his victimhood ranting. That’s when I would get up and say “I’m off now have a good day/evening whatever” and I’d just leave his company and not respond to any of his texts until I had to be in his company again. I could only be that way with him when I made myself the focus of my own life. Now I’m happy and thriving and the narc doesn’t understand what happened to the dynamic between us and he doesn’t know what’s going on in my life anymore. Win/win for me.
I totally agree! Has improved my life enormously
What I hate about this the most is that the victim can become passive-aggressive in turn, not only to the narc, but to other people as well when in a bad place. It's like a contagious disease.
it's scary, it makes us scared that we are being this person to each other. my boyfriend had to grow up with his narcissistic mom, and there wasnt a SINGLE PERSON in his intimate life who he could trust to lean on; the effects of these things are still fresh wounds on his heart. there are so many times where he cant open himself up and become vulnerable when we're talking, his mind by instinct defaults to "I'm being talked down to" and he closes up on me. when those times get at their worst, we manage to dig through all the ugly shitty feelings and come out the other end smiling and laughing with "i love you"s blurting out over and over; but we still have so much foundational work to do, there's still this terrible gash in him that he can't help but reflexively cover.
sometimes he cant help but be afraid I'm gonna do something like his mom did, and sometimes his defensive behaviors that he does with me feel similar to the stuff his mom did to him. both of these scare me, they make me sad, they make me feel like im doing something wrong, that theres something in myself that im not seeing or there's just some foundational thing that i haven't realized that he needs that I can help him know
at the end of everything though, we know the other is not a narcissist. we do our best to have the raw honest talks when we can muster the energy and courage, we make sure we never hold a (metaphorical) knife to each other, etc. we know we're just tired and working off an awfully damaged infrastructure (on both of our ends). but it's still so scary when i see it happening between us.
@@sabba1365 If it helps, that sounds to me like you two have a healthy relationship (hindered by his unhealthy relationship of the past). With time, those adquired defenses will at least smooth over and become minimal. Wish you the best, keep putting in the effort!
I find that often the only way to deal with them is to play them at their own game. I wouldn’t dream of being passive aggressive with anyone else but normal, reasonable communication is exhausting and doesn’t work. Well nothing works🙄
Exactly. My female roommate literally used her ADHD to pretend she couldn’t figure out how to pick the lock of my bedroom door (which has to happen because it malfunctions sometimes). Once I was convinced it was because of her ADHD, apologized for misunderstanding, then showed her how to do it…she all of a sudden got it right in one try. Then two weeks later while I’m listening to a podcast, she picks the lock effortlessly to hand my green hoodie to me…but the dryer was still full of my other two outfits.
She was passive aggressively letting me know that it was not her ADHD keeping her from opening the door, she just wanted to play me for a fool…even if it required exploiting herself in order to do it. Which is why she only handed me 1 out of like 10 items in the dryer. Get this…she even folded it and upon entering asked me “where would you like this?” As if she doesn’t know where I like my clean clothes to be. It’s not ADHD, it’s NPD that’s comorbid with ADHD.
Very very true.
I hope that the ultimate take-away people have from this is: the moment you don’t feel valued or you feel truly disrespected &/or attacked in a relationship, it’s time to just walk away. Don’t waste anymore time with mean people, period. Narc or not, these people will only bring you down. Life is better alone than with these people, trust me.
This way of being in life is evil! Narcissists are mean.
It is indeed the very nature of evil. Narcissists are the loudest racists, the loudest ableists, the loudest sexists, and I'm certain that they are the origin of all of it as well as the vast majority of suffering.
Mean is an understatement!
Breaking your things "accidentally on purpose". This has been hard to accept as REAL behavior from narcissistic people. If you were wondering if it was an accident, probably NOT, not if the narc was around.
I had this so much from my ex. There is a whole slew of stuff. The worst thing being that he broke things that helped my health. For example, I bought a Water Pik because my gums were sore. He knew I went to the dentist. He knew full well why I bought it. THAT got broken.
Plates. He hated using the dishwasher and so he would clatter the plates around putting them in or out. Funny how only MY plates got chipped though.
I was in denial about this for so long.
@Blessings ∆ I'm afraid one of my children is a little too narcissistic. They are still a young adult. I don't know how to help them.
They LOVE to break or ruin things that mean a lot to you. I've experienced this for 10 years now. Oh and if they actually admit to breaking it, whatever 'it' is, you are NOT allowed to get upset with them. Sometimes you're even forced to take the blame in some f'd up way. It's a power play and it makes me sick!!!!
Iv had things that have just disappeared like books that mean a lot to me …it’s so infuriating because you don’t notice until you are looking for them… they are books that I would never part with !!!! and can’t replace. . !!! Just GONE !!!!! What a warped character and warped personality to have ….. I was DUPED ………
I worked with a woman who would throw her husbands belongings out and just laugh about it. So fake friendly to everyone and then talk behind their back. So glad I don’t work with her anymore..
please do more segments on passive aggressive narcissists, this was my favorite so far bc unfortunately, i live with one. fellow sufferers: here's a crazy trick i came up with to get my uncooperative other to replace empty 5 gallon water bottles in the dispenser, with a full one--you ready?
tape a scoreboard on top of the dispenser to keep track of who replaced the empty bottle with a full one. he is so competitive and ridiculously juvenile. so now, he replaces the bottles without my being forced to continuously remind him. i suppose i could use this technique on everything--plastering scoreboards inside and outside the house.
just lovely. 😂😂😂
A score board with limp dick magnets would be cool
I realised that if you say "no" to someone their response tells you whether they are a narcissist or not. A non narcissist will just say "OK " and still be friends. The cobra in the narcissist stands up, the hoods come out and they prepare to strike. You can almost hear them hiss.
Dayummmm
This resonates with me so much. Lived with it for 20 years. Recently free, but will take time to heal. I'm ready.
seen this behavior in all narcissists and specially in covert narcissim. It is part of gaslighting to destabilize and create self doubt. Looking for fuel ⛽.
The malignant is so open there is doubt of jerkism. But the covert narcissist is double minded. The guilt they desire preys on the goodness of others with deception.
Exactly. Covert narc talk poorly about you behind your back and smear your name.
Oh i needed this today. Im actually going to watch this a couple of times. Their cruelty is really something.
It's pure evil!
@@realhealing7802 it truly is.
I have a Cousin Windy- when she comes to TOWN; bad things SURE to come( homewrecker- Amoral & ugly human Being)! ( do not visit WINDY)!
meet my Amoral cousin W! Toxic woman guaranteed to Ruin an Event.
@@carolnahigian9518 , too bad my amoral cousin, D, is married. They'd be perfect for one another.
They don’t like to lose even if they’re wrong.
In their toxic mind, they are never wrong....about anything...!!
even if its minor, they will have an excuse for every single mistake they make--
THEY WILL NEVER ADMIT WRONG.
to them, there is no such thing as a 'whoops!' or, 'I messed up.' and we will definitely not catch one saying: 'I'm sorry!'
😒
I have characteristics of a narcissist and a passive aggressive person, I am trying to fight against it and become a positive force in the life of people around me.
@@Bartendersoares This is amazing and courageous. I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - it will help you understand your childhood and roots of these behaviours. Good luck! 👍🌟
That’s awesome! We all need to work on ourselves to an extent, it’s just when no one is willing to listen to you about something that bothers you and then blames you is what makes me mad, I can’t be around those people
I doubt it. No narc will admit that he's a narc. That's the nature of being a narcissist. They are perfect and don't self-reflect.
Wow. I'm married to one and am just now realizing it. I've always internalized and blamed myself but after 32 years these patterns of behavior are becoming clear. I'm shaking inside at what has been done to me all these years. It's devastatingly sad.
Narcs get worse when they age!
I wonder how you’re doing.
How are you now?
Seeing it clearly is the first step, looking back and realizing how every single little thing you thought was real wasn't and that you have been living with a monster is a long second step. Forming your escape plan while mitigating future damage to you is the third step, physically removing g yourself from the demon is next, getting the legal stuff done, (remember they don't want resolution they want to WIN, it's all a game), and then allowing yourself to absorb the magnitude of what you have been through, and to put your life back together is next. A other step, and a difficult one, is watching all your friends and family either begin to see the truth and come alongside you, or be as in the dark about your ex as you once were, and presume to give him the benefit of the doubt even though they shared a few days a year around him and you lived 24/7 with him for 30 years. Somehow they think they know them better than you. Which adds to your pain, but you need to take steps to walk away from them too, you can't heal with people too lazy to seek truth around you. They are shallow and will take the easy way out by hanging around the one who pretends to be shiny and happy. There is no room in your life for these people now and possibly forever. They lack wisdom and insight. Finally, you will begin your new life, becoming better able to ignore the old discourahing sound tracks in your head, and feeling nothing but pity for the demon who will never change and his latest victims. You know how to foster normal friendships, and it's so much nicer without the one who can't make or keep friends undermining you out of his pure envy of anyone with normal abilities to relate to others. Cut your losses and move on, you will see who mattered in Heaven.
Much love and best wishes. I hope things are starting to get better. I recently left my long term partner/father two young children. On one hand it’s such a relief, but, you better believe he’s making out hell and I’ll never be in the clear since we have children. My heart breaks for them
At least with the overt narc, you know what to expect and shouldn't be fooled by them because their games are explicit it's very obvious they're not on your side so they can be easy to dismiss unless if you're intimidated by them. But with the covert or passive aggressive narc they can become hard to distinguish and that's how they sneak into your life as a friend but then their subtle jabs at you will start giving you red flags but you don't know if it's just you being paranoid or they're just fooling around. Again the recurring theme of feeling uncertainty of your judgement, which is exactly what they want.
Definitely can not dismiss an overt parent while growing up. The youngest of seven i saw what would happen to me by watching my siblings go through the attempt to dismiss the narcissist.
@@AlwaysStampinVideos in the child/parent relationship then yes you're strapped in the front row seat to the scary movie that is living with them until you're old enough to get away. Another scenario similar is the employee/employer relationship you could walk away but it might ruin your resume as to why you didn't last in your previous employment or worse quitting jobs every few years because of a narcissistic boss and saying that every ex boss was a narcissist isn't a good answer your interviewer won't care and will lose respect for you and most likely won't hire you on top of telling you oh so "according to your story it's always everyone else that's the problem". Sometimes walking away is necessary sometimes it makes you look weak like at every sign of confrontation you walk away and that's a red flag for employers.
Perfectly said!
Very well said! It’s so true the covert/malignant, passive aggressive narcissistic ones are the Worst! I left and was punished, it was a living nightmare…
My stepdad is overt narcissist and my mom is a passive aggressive covert narcissist. I literally had this same conversation with my brother when my mom thru a fit about mother's day. Im done with her behavior and have set a hard boundry with her. Until we get family therapy, i refuse to try to maintain this one sided relationship. Of course tho, my brother enables her pity party. 😒
I decided years ago that I alone decide what hurts me. What scares me, what pleases me, what amuses me, what enriches me. I refuse to relinquish responsibility for my feelings to anyone else. My liberation not only frees me from unnecessary pain; it drives my narcissistic sister crazy. Win-win.
Win - win mean both parties win.
It's Not win - win., It's double win.
You Win and get bonus. Or buy one, get one free.
🎊🎊🎊
Yes, it’s a fantastic little win & confirmation of your strength & your own balance. I have a similar philosophy with my sibling brother. Once you understand a problem, you can fix it - knowing yourself & what you are about, is fundamental to your peace.
I like this. Thank you 😻
My mother-in-law is passive aggressive NPD and my sister is a malignant narcissist. Both are controlling manipulators, deceivers, trouble makers and self absorbed. Drama and chaos is their life specialty. They take joy in inflicting pain. Their other family members are their flying monkeys and make sure to turn them against you.
Flee from a narcissist, no matter the relationship! The sooner, the better. They will deplete you until nothing is left of you and then they will laugh and blame you as you lay there empty and broken from their abuse.
Run. Run from a narcissist. They live to kill you from the inside out.
"They kill you from the inside out"...never heard it put any better.
Dr. Carter, I can BARELY get through a single one of your podcasts because it's as if you've been spying on my life. You're unreal. I can't even begin to tell you how many times your expertise has reminded me that my life is worth living. Again, thank you for all you do.
So pleased the videos resonate!
I did noticed the sparkle in the eyes of my former boyfriend while he'd tell me what he'd said about me. He was watching for my reaction! Measuring whether he'd hurt me, like a 'gotcha', So evil.
You just explained me with my narcissistic sibling. NAILED IT!!! I have distanced myself from all family now because this sibling has turned them all to their side. But I can honestly say, I am better off by myself.
Yes, no contact with our gaslighting covert narcarsist sister in law sharon and her flying monkey husband and my bully mil
What’s interesting though is one of my aunts was a narcissist and so was her daughter. She allowed her daughter to be incredibly mean to the 2nd daughter. Well, jump forward and now the aunt is in her 80s and the first daughter is starting to treat her mother just like she did her sister. So the mother is finally getting a little taste of what she allowed to happen. Unfortunately, being a Narcissist herself, in her 80s she’s now decided that the reason the first daughter is so mean has nothing to do with her. But it’s quite interesting to watch when a narcissistic parent get a taste of their own medicine.
You almost have to distance yourself from a family system with a narcissistic sibling. I have one myself and I am going to distance myself due to the invalidation and toxic positivity when describing the pain I have when trying to have a relationship with my sibling.
@@latsnojokelee6434 You're describing my family. My 85yr old mother, decided to embrace the narc sibling who always fought with and hated her.
My brother and I, had to go dark with both of them for reasons I won't get into here, but since my dad passed away, now my mother by her own choice, is stuck living out her last days at the mercy of someone who literally hates her.
My mother is a npd, as well, but it still grieves my heart to think about it, and I miss her terribly.
I have this too. I have five siblings; 4 sisters & 1 brother. I haven’t spoken to my sisters over 12 years & it is liberating. My brother ‘thinks’ he is winning with me, but is consumed with jealousy. I am his wealthy brother & I know his game, but don’t play it. That in itself, is my way of staying grounded & at peace with myself, knowing that manipulation is his game & will ultimately implode on him. I only ever see him once a week for a couple of hours, as we live in the same town.
Had a narc friend for years. Got married and he tried to convince me to leave my new wife. It was bizzare and surreal. I quickly told him to get stuffed and went zero contact. He had rage, manipulation, gas lighting, etc. When I went no contact, he said, "Your loss".
That was over 20 years ago. Still happily married and have zero contact with him. Best decisions of my life. At the time, I had no idea why he behaved so strangely, and simply acted on instinct and common decency. I thought he lost his mind and was psychotic. Now, after watching these videos, it all makes sense.
Thank You.
He was jealous of your happiness. Great decision!
It was the devil. He knew what a wonderful marriage you would have so he sent someone. The devil uses narcissists to do his work. Trust me .. I am just learning all about this. I've seen and lived a life like never before in the last 5 years. I feel like I am living in hell now.
Glad you escaped them… It’s something you never forget but understanding and escaping is so important. Glad you cut them off and ran from that type of a thing…
Sounds like a spurned lover!
This guy was a covert Narcissist to a T! You are awesome for recognizing that. I know he was because only a Narcissist would say “your loss”. 😒
I've often wondered if narcissists are sadists. My narc is more than not caring or low empathy. He gets gratification from hurting me. Daily. I thank God, literally, for you Dr. Carter. You keep me sane. I have great respect for you!
I think they are
Yes, they are! I was kicked out of an organization by the husband and wife, leaders and a small panel of flying monkeys. They dragged me through the dirt and twisted anything I ever did, or said, for about an hour while I tried to defend myself. (I had no idea about narcissism at the time.) after about an hour, I finally broke down and cried. Then I was blamed for crying. When it was all over, she said, can I give you a hug? !!!! Inside I thought, so you can push the knives further in my back?-After serving at this place for years. In shock and confusion, I hugged each one of them.
It was not until years when the organization was shut down and how the continued abuse and manipulation, finally learned about narcissistic abuse.
Yes
If I bought a gift it was ignored . When I didn’t bring a gift it was an affront.
It was my wedding day. My mother announced at the reception "I give him (my husband) six months before he throws you out." I thought "Gee thanks, Mom. Your faith in me is underwhelming". I cut her out of my life. It's now 40 years later.
@@cheriem432 I did the same w my mother over 30 yrs ago. She couldn’t stop competing w me and attacking me.
When the narcissist is confronted by their target victim about their passive aggressive abusive behavior toward them, they often deny doing it. Instead, they argue, provoke, blameshift, and gaslight (These are just all forms of lying). People who want to cause pain and hurt others covertly and then lie about it are absolutely evil. No repentance is the fruit to look for to identify these destructive, lying people and avoid them.
My ex boss was the passive aggressive type. When I finally quit she was so confused and wrote me novels on why she “didn’t understand”
I told her I couldn’t take her passive aggressive behavior.
She said “I’m sorry you mistook my confidence in you as insulting”
. She was horrible and would make me feel like a horrible mom.. she would lecture me on stuff that was not my responsibility as a babysitter to her child, then turn around and call me a “supermom”. She was a very empty person inside.
Spot on, thats the “intuitive medium” 🤪, Katherine Lara. She deserves the life she has.
They not only want to make u feel miserable but they want u to feel less than. That is there goal.
I did not know that a father could be so mean against his only daughter (me). But it was the cruel reality. I have to realize that there wasn't any real father in my life. Thank you, Dr. Carter, you are helping me a lot. Greetings from Germany
No daughter should have to experience that. Dr. C
My father was the narc. I didn't understand either for years. He's dead now and my sister is a narc of the same ilk. I cut off relations with her and am better off for it. Just know, you're not alone and it certainly wasn't your fault!
So true Dr. Carter !! Thanks !
Welcome!
This describes my passive aggressive narcissist ex to a tee. Being late, separating me from my friends, making promises he never kept, not finishing projects around the house, calling me crazy, and on and on. Right down to taking half of my teacher's pension. This one really hit home!
This perfectly describes my wealthy, entitled ex. He has exceptional privilege yet is selfish, mean, insecure and immature. After continuously crossing my boundaries, I turned the tables and ghosted him. Good riddance. Know your value everyone, never accept this treatment. Only the weak are cruel.
Well done 👍
They are ill and broken people. Thank you dr Carter.
What I have found useful is minimal contact. When you do have contact be like a robot. Respond in short sentences. No emotion. They get bored!!
that describes "gray 🪨 rock" a term taught in the channels about narcissist
Dr. You're a GREAT BLESSINGS. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. GOD BLESS YOU.
Spot on. Absolutely no way to live with a passive aggressive narc manipulative cruel game player.
Whew! This is hitting me hard!! I locked myself away to get away from the insanity & I thank God to see this message before I spiraled downward, blaming MYSELF again!
@@Chris-dw7gq PREACH!! I have dealt with too much over the years.. as a kid my dad married the epitome of "evil stepmonster" & I ended up leaving home at 15 after numerous runaways. I still have some serious issues with being ignored, so the Narcissist I'm with now, uses that against me.... CONSTANTLY.
What's funny, is I've gotten therapy, bc I want to be the best me I can be, and the SICK ones around me don't care to even reflect on themselves, much less be better! So heck yeah, I will leave them in the dust!
I know all about that locking oneself away. That eventually wrecks one's sanity.
Take care.
Keep listening to DR. Les carter, he saved me! I played and replayed his videos when I was locked away, hiding from the demon that used to live in my house.
I was raised in a household with a narc step mother. She convinced my dad that their parenting job was done when my sister and I turned 18. After high school they sold our house and lived in a camper for 2 years before building a small house. They refused to help with any higher education or trade school. Thank goodness for my grandmother as she allowed me to live with her for a while. So much childhood trauma. I’m grateful for videos like this that help me navigate to healing.
@@kelliecasper2687 ugh, I relate so much to this! My mother abandoned me when I was around 2... her pop ins when were she was wasted, then ended completely & I barely remembered her. Dad had me living with Grandma mostly, so he could date around & "find me a new mom'🙄 I got sent from IL to FL to live with Gma when he found the one I referred to as "Stepmonster" she was a snake... they even married without me there, and he saw no problem in that. I think the only reason they sent for me back was bc I was being seriously abused at the school I was at. The teacher would tape my face up, you name it, and I was only in 1st grade! Stepmonster resented he had a kid, and was jealous of any attention he gave me, so he started ignoring me as well, to avoid her outbursts. The sickest was there was an actress that I thought resembled my mom & I asked if I was right and she melted down, so I was NEVER allowed to know anything about her or mention I even HAD a mother!
I had got grounded once for lying about a candy bar (I have no idea why I lied lol) but I was grounded for an entire summer & if we went to a family (HER FAM, of course) & time for cake, she would announce "Debbie can't have cake, she's a little liar ass" it was mortifying! I swore never to lie again! Then we were at a store & some woman was complimenting my hair (stepmonster had it shaved off shortly after out of jealousy, she was sick of people complimenting it) & said "aww, you and your mom kinda have the same eyes!" I wasn't snippy, but damn skippy I made sure to say "oh, thank you, but this is my step mother" I was grounded for another 5 months for hurting her feelings. But that's the TRUTH, right?!?!
I was dragged state to state, school to school, I'd make friends & have to say goodbye, it was very rough on me.
Started running away at 13 or so, we were in AZ then, so I could easily sleep outside... my dad asked to meet with me (I prayed it was to say he saw she was evil & to ask me to come home) but NOPE! it was to inform me he found my real mom & I should go meet her. It was a trick, they sent me to live there, and long story short, mom was a cokehead to put it kindly, her first words to me were "You're gonna learn fast that you have to use people before they use you" she kept me wasted most of the time, trying to serve me up as payment to her friends. Even tried to get me to sleep with the landlord to get our gas turned back on. I was really sick & had a 103 fever, she sent the landlord over to grope me, and in my state, I still managed to fight him off. She beat the hell out of me for not getting the gas on.
I endured a lot of violence at her hands & her "buddies" So I ran away from THERE, and hitchhiked all the way from Chicago to AZ & at 15 was on my own. I stumbled about from house to house, slept on the streets until I was bright enough to lie again (lol) at 16 to this couple that I was 20, almost 21, to become a live in housekeeper for them.
I am now married to a guy who slowly exposed himself as a narc, and he knows all my crazy tales, but has also used some of my childhood triggers against me. He knows how much I LOATHE being ignored, so he will just act like I am not there, I'll be trying to talk "are you listening at all? Please talk to me" he will smirk & never look up & says there's something wrong with me that it bothers me so.... I'd seek a counselor and he would say "therapists are for pussies" but if I wasn't seeing one, would be like "man, you need some help! You shouldn't still care about your childhood, you're sick! GET OVER IT"
I would also drink to have the courage to confront him, I was never wild or physical, but I have a scathing mouth, so he would tell me YOU ARE YOUR MOTHER when you drink!! Never met her, he just knows of the violence I endured bc of her, yet says that horrible statement to destroy me when he feels I am "ahead" in an arguement
I feel like I'm "grounded" here in my own home as an adult, I often lock myself away in my room to avoid any bullshit, so its time to be as adult as i was at 15, and find my freedom & voice again. I can't bail in the night like before lol, I'm trying to be sensible about it, and the hits keep coming with Covid, etc. to where he made sure i was completely reliant on him. I find peace in nature (I'm a regular Snow White around here lol) & journal, meditate to keep myself centered as best i can & hopefully i will find an answer soon. (And/or another great therapist, mine moved to CO to pursue teaching😥)
I hope you find peace as well! Sorry I got carried away in my response here... it was very helpful & cleansing though, so thank you!♥️✌
Thank you Dr. Carter! All of these messages speak to me, but this one brings a whole new level of awareness and clarity of what happened to me in the past 4 decades of my life. And all that time, I was arguing with my own self and so conflicted about what happened. Part of me knew I was being played by a very passive aggressive person. And another part of me quickly went into denial. Now I have to figure out what to do with this information at 72 years of age.
Three decades here I feel exactly like you do completely out of sorts can't make a decision they say that your brain literally physically changes after being in pstd for so long fight or flight is meant for just that not for a lifetime.
Rejoice in the clarity you have achieved and get ready for your improved life!
I too suffered 4 decades of abuse, much of it during my early, formative years.
This knowledge is relatively new, all I say is I'm glad it was made available to me, even this late.
Sending you support and a high five 😃
@@unomeecj and still we shall prevail. Or so I want.
I was in this for over 24 years. I’m 56 years old now. He walked out almost 2 years ago.
I was 30 years with a nar. Passive agressive.
It was the hell on earth.
My son unfortunately.married one,also....since they are together, i lost my good son,but i prefer to stay away.
I left my narc.husband, and now im free.
For long time i was a prisoner, now i have friends, i enjoy what i do, and bin recognized, by New family...my wonderful, friends. I m só happy.
WHEN GOD CLOSES A WINDOW , ALWAYS OPENS A DOOR.
I M SO BLESSED.
I've been trying to explain all of this to people while reaching out for help and trying to move on. I couldn't find the words to explain how his actions have made me feel so worthless and lost-stuck-but I couldn't. Reading thru these comments is like yall were right there with me and are writing about my life. So thanks for helping me find the words to use so I can explain it and get help. And this guy's videos are absolutely amazing. I live close to waco so I'm gonna see about an appointment
The last 21 years of my life in words 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
Ahh I’m 40 years married to one and only now understanding what was going on all along.
Never knew what a narcissist was or what gaslighting was.
I’m so broken
It's best to part ways with them the moment you realize somethings up . Don't fall for them trying to lure you back in.
It's like you've met my ex or something scary house spot on you are. Reactive abuse really sucks. It slowly kills you..
Great topic Dr. C & soooo exactly right! I have sadistic, cruel, lying, sneaky, nasty, backstabbing narcs in my life. They believe their attacking behaviors are warranted & normal. I believe their brains (and hearts) are mis-wired. Thus, there is no self-awareness, guilt, remorse, empathy, etc….
Yet, they think they are wonderful people, God-like.
I wish Id known about this earlier, so I could have taken better action.
Crazy. They are crazy. Run people run. They will drive you into the ground
My Mother has always taken great joy in any trauma or pain that I or my Brother have gone thru in our lives. She gets giddy with glee as her adult children suffer. I finally ended my relationship with her when I shared my Cancer diagnosis with her and in a passive agressive tone she repied...." Well.....who's going to do my grocery shopping ? " Absolutely no care or concern.
I am now free from her abuse....at 63....healthy and living my best life without her toxicity beating me down. Thank you Dr. Carter for your series of videos about Narcissists. You have helped me greatly !
Suzanne Ochs,You deserves better
This is LITERALLY my parents and sister to a T!!
-pulled the rug out from under me financially
-abuse by proxy with law (haha I won)
- when I sold my bed that was in their place - they acted physco and I just gray rocked it was so obvious
This is why it’s so infuriating when ppl are like ThEy aRe YouR PaReNts TheY diDnT do iT On pUrPose
No. They did. 8 months - no contact
Exactly! Blood ties with psychos, negates those ties.
Fantastic! Almost 6 months for me, after many years of punishing me with ghosting, among other abuse. Like anger.. Thank God I finally stopped drinking the kool-Aid.
@@lindakelehan2934 EXACTLY! I can’t believe I put up with the insane attacks for so long bc it’s family
Well done Lisa 👍
I'm listening to what you said from 5:53- 6:37 mark & thinking, this is legalized abuse. So many people in leadership roles have destroyed & are currently destroying so many people's dreams, personal growth paths & future job opportunities, etc. This is a major reason why so many people either don't want to or are reluctant to go back to an office environment.
Very true.
It shouldn't be, but it still is shocking how the narc can draw in the courts to side with him. Why can't they pick up on the inconsistencies and see through the lies. This is supposed to be what they do...discern true from false.
I agree with you, although It did not occur to me before. But that's what the "people in power" are doing to us. In my state the last Governor drove many businesses and manufacturers out of the state, causing thousands of people to lose good jobs/careers, all on the guise of "gun control".
What I leaned with this personality it every accusation is a confession. Avoid a person with these traits at all costs!
You get it.
Yep, what they project onto you, is what THEY are doing to you.
The guilty dog barks the loudest.
Exactly 💯
Yes!!!!!
Excellent video.
Thank you SO much Dr Carter!
I’ve been dealing with this crap (both passive and overt aggressive behaviors) from both my own mother and my stepfather for 40 plus years now. It has seriously hurt both my self esteem and my physical health. I have FINALLY learned that going NO CONTACT has been the Best Way to deal with these truly selfish people.
I am now on the road to recovery and healing.
God bless you Sir.
I have fallen into the traps set by these oxygen thieves far too many times. Now I'm becoming aware, I am learning to stand up for myself.
Yes. And they are MEAN !
I needed to hear this today, thank you Dr. Carter. My mother is happy as a clam, so peaceful and satisfied and cheerful when I'm sick or heartbroken or struggling horribly with my job or relationship. The minute I have any kind of success, she turns into a raging lunatic or has a complete emotional meltdown so I stop what I'm doing to tend to her. My ex best friend was the same way, only I couldn't see it for years, until I finally got sober, went back to school and became an addiction counselor. She became exactly like my mother, even though she had been my only ally for years against my mother, and did everything in her power to rip me to shreds. I now focus on healing, but this has been such a painful experience.
my mother is same your friend was not your friend. she was listening you because probably she secretly enjoying it.
Omg this is my mother! Silent treatment as punishment because she didn’t get her way. So childish!
My mother in law will go 5-7 months without answering my husband's calls (I stopped calling her years ago 😅) and then one day call like nothing happened. If you ask why she was upset she will say she wasn't and just got busy with work 🤦 Gotta love how they think we're all so stupid except for them.
@@joanna0988 Yep! That would be my mother and my sibling sister. Years too many of this crap. I'm done diddly done.
@@ruby-qv5bd It's exhausting and very abusive especially when she love bombs my kids and disappears for months 🙄🙄
That is what my ex-husband would do. The Silent Treatment! Finally I started making fun of him when he would do that. What an idiot!
@@joanna0988 this happened to me too… when I got pregnant and had my baby girl my mother in law ostracised me…. Ignored me for months … I asked my husband does your mother ever ask about us … he said nothing …I said to him …you seem to be ok with that !!! I met her in the street and she acted like there was nothing wrong as if I had just seen her the day before…weird. !!! She only lived down the road from us ….. I didn’t know about this warped behaviour and warped. Character …. Needless to say I have been divorced for years … he’s a carbon copy of his mother…. Both covert narcissists. !!!!!!
Spot on! I love how the sweet dog on the couch rests in the truth of his Master. It took me awhile to get there.
I had to LOL about the narc making promises with you. After countless conversations with my narc mother about the way she treats me and disrespects me in front of my child, one day I was sobbing, trying to explain how hurtful she was. I asked her to please try for our mental health (I have major depression & anxiety & and probably ptsd from all the years of emotional abuse, and don't want my son to go thru the same). And that we care about her and want a relationship with her, but she has to show respect, she said, "I can't promise that I can try". That pretty much told me what I needed to know! I did give her more chances, but after ruining Christmas again (every single holiday and special day she starts a fight) I'm working on cutting her off.
In a relationship with a narcissist they'll even go to the extra mile and lie and say that people are talking about ya but don't believe it the narcissist just wants you to fight with people
Boundaries were put in place. Now our covert passive/aggressive daughter-in-law will no longer attend family events. Keep in mind she would only show up for thirty minutes and leave each holiday or family event. Hahaha Just get up and leave. We didn’t care. We never questioned her leaving early and we are okay with her not showing up. Our family events are peaceful. 👍🏻🥰👍🏻
Sounds like she was engaged in some other agenda or hook-up following family events.
I'd leave too if I had a family that didn't care.
This is brilliant stuff. It explains so much.
This vid describes every nuance of my husband which is incredibly difficult.
This has opened my eyes beyond belief and I feel like finally, the situation I've been dealing with is being spoken to. In my case, the person in my life would have a weird look of satisfaction on his face when I would break down, or say something hasn't worked. It appeared to be a smile, small, maybe meant to be comforting, but I know now exactly what it was.