Sadly, when you try all of the above and still only receive denial, gaslighting and manipulation. No Contact was my last option. Luckily there are people like Kati who offer kindess, understanding and compassion. Thank again Kati!! you're doing awesome work!! 🙏🙏💖💖✨✨
Sometimes that is all we can do to take care of ourselves. I am so sorry you have had to go through that, and so glad I could be here to support along the way. xoxo
My relationship with my mom was kind of up and down throughout our lives. But it wasn’t horrible, just bumpy sometimes. It wasn’t until she developed dementia, and I became her full time caregiver, that things really changed. Because the dementia made her so vulnerable and transparent, it was then that I finally began to realize why she was the way she was, and gained a greater understanding of her life. It was then that I was finally able to forgive her for the hurtful things that occurred during my childhood. In some ways, the 6 years I cared for her in her dementia were some of the best in our lives and relationships. It wasn’t borne out of pity, but rather compassion and empathy on my part-too really see and understand her. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. It wasn’t always easy, and all sunshine and roses, because she could still be very difficult, but with new insight, we managed.
My mom is constantly negative. Everything eventually takes the form of "I can't" or "You can't", "I don't" or "You don't..." of course don't forget the "I'm not..." or "You're not..." or "I never..." It doesn't even matter what she says next. The negativity is so toxic it's suffocating and disabling. There's nothing to do out of that negativity. Life itself grinds to a halt. It feels like she's competing with me all the time. The moment I accomplish something or do good work she'll belittle it down to how she's somehow better than me. I do love her and tell her so. But it's extremely hard to truly forgive someone when they keep doing what you're trying to forgive them for.
It took me a long time to understand just how crappy my mom was. I went through some EMDR, and it's gotten easier to let it go. No forgiveness (in my definition), but I have mostly let it go.
Thank you for doing this video. I came from an abusive home (father) BUT I was able to have a healthy relationship once I moved out of his house. I forgave him. Having space and boundaries (along with me growing up and seeing past myself) my dad and I actually got along great! My dad didn’t know how to raise a teenage girl. But once I became an adult and stopped being so argumentative and started seeing him in a different light, it made a huge difference. I’m so glad we were able to get along and that he was able to be a part of his grandchildren’s life. He passed away 13 years ago and l’ll never regret having him in our lives. After losing both my parents, I’m glad I don’t have “what if” regrets.
Nah. I don't need to do any of these things. She's an adult who is responsible for her own actions. I'm limited contact right now. Also, I don't believe someone has to forgive in order to heal. That's a fallacy. Forgiveness should be reserved for people who deserve it and who you do want a relationship with.
I think this video is more for people who want to have a better relationship with their mom. If your mom did horrific things to you, etc, then It's understandable if you don't want anything to do with her. But I think this is more for people who may want a better relationship with their parents. Who maybe they weren't abusive at all or any of those things. But had a hard time seeing things from their parents' perspective. I also don't believe you have to forgive to heal I do think moving away or finding your own independent and relationships outside of the abusive ones helps even more then forgiving that as you said should be reserved for people you have a healthy relationship with.
If you aren't hoping to improve the relationship (which you definitely don't have to at all!) then this video isn't really geared towards you. It was more focused on people who are trying to find a way to work on their relationship or figure out what they can and can't do.. if that makes sense. You have ever right to be limited or no contact and take care of yourself. xoxo
Thank you Kati, all of these tips are helpful. This is a especially sensitive time for me since mothers day is coming soon. My relationship with my mom is strained because there is abuse in our past. Verbal abuse and emotional abuse happened and no accountability was taken. I wish to have a relationship with her that is free of any form of abuse and that may not happen. My healing journey doesnt involve her or anyone else changing anymore. My healing involves doing inner child work, connecting with the child in me, giving her what she always deserved, to feel safe and explore who we are, to have fun
It’s sad when you try to improve things but they don’t work. When your mother is narcissistic, open, honest communication results in gaslighting. Strong boundaries result in ridicule, punishment and even stronger control. Yes, we all had asshole moments as kids, but abuse is abuse. I’m glad you said we can forgive and not have a relationship with her, she would disagree.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
- assess the relationship: Values, beliefs, - consider your role, your duties, your responsibilities, how u talk, act, react your intention, thoughts words, actions , reactions towards her - see her perspective; hold a positive opinion about her - releasing negative emotions + forgiveness - know your needs + triggers - u can’t change others. - boundaries + time limit
Boundaries were hard to figure out, especially when it was as not taught. I didn’t have choices as a child. Lol, I would always say “yes” to everything. I’d get mad (haha) when I felt that the other person didn’t go out of their way for me. Lol. I remember a neighbor coming to my door and asking how I was doing. I said I had a headache. He then asked me, can you watch my son. Lol, without thinking, I said yes. I got so mad at myself. I didn’t even have the awareness then what was happening. That people pleasing was not helping. I had to backup and see where it came from. I had to even practice and relearn a new behavior. I first thought it was rules…haha. But I see it as action I take to feel safe.
Thank you, Kati for all of your videos. I'm from Japan. We don't talk about mental health in my country. I've been struggling with childhood emotional neglect but I didn't even know the word CEN until I watched your videos. I decided to start therapy with a Japanese therapist who have studied overseas. You really helped me a lot to learn about myself!
These steps can be applied to other relationships. These are very useful to help bring awareness to both sides. Healing with forgiveness helps let go of suppressed emotions, which can be subconsciously held and realized later, creating turmoil. Communication is vital. Blessings
I am only half way through this video and I had to stop and thank you for pointing out many things that I did in looking at my relationship with my mom and seeing that I did the working out of it quite well. She has been gone 2 years now and it is 4 years since I last saw her in person. nope, not the plague but old age, she was 97. she had an abusive family herself so I get all that. She could not see where it came from, generational disconnect in self analyzing of course. She did not have the drive nor the resources I do. She was stuck in her pattern. I had to forgive her each and every time I saw her over the last 30 years. She tried to make my kids feel shame and I had to block that all the time, my kids are fine by the way, I shielded them well. She was pretty good at knifing me in the back and neglected me emotionally for the most part, but I learned how to sidestep her really well. Limiting contact was the best cushion for all of us. My husband did not help in that matter since he was raised by an emotionally distant mother as well. She is a piece of work oh yeah. another story there. My sister is malignant through and through and became a fine example of where not forgiving my mom could take you. I am still waiting for her to die as I will finally be free of this crap. No people, that is not being heartless nor is it wrong, it is just what it is and that is the gist of having a narc family and being the scapegoat for everything all your life. May they all come back as someone they cannot stand, LOL. I divorced my entire family since they raised their kids to be much like them, I am not missing anything there by the way. LIFE IS GOOD. I am 67. I am my own person again and thanks to you and others Like Dr. Carter and Dr. Romani I have over the last 6 or 7 years really pieced myself back together in a good and healthy way.
You are a fresh and healthy voice in this matter, Thank you and may you live long and prosper, LOL, Love being a Trekie, Boundaries are a girls BEST Friend. No other will do more for you no matter how good a friend they are with you.
This doesn’t apply to abusive relationships. The victims are NOT to blame. We don’t pity the abuser but the abused! No one should forgive someone when they continue to abuse us. Sorry this is a fluffy and nice emails for common mommy issues. NOT Narcissistic Mothers
Exactly. As this especially applies to parents from conservative and authoritarian cultural/social backgrounds. In such cases, not only do the children suffer from the parents’ personal abuse, but they have to withstand the oppression the whole society exerts on them (in these cases, the parents are somewhat instruments for such societal oppression). Like for example if you are a woman in certain places, you may be forced by your parents to get married early or have children against your will. Or if you are LGBTQ and your parents are homo/trans/biphobic. Or if you are from a totalitarian country and your parents can harm you for your desire for freedom and democracy, etc.
I totally agree!! This was not geared towards abusive relationships.. I have other videos that cover abusive relationships and how we can move on and heal from all we have been through. xoxo
Hi, thank you for your videos 🙏🏾 I’m 42 and trying to find a way for me and my mom (63) to have a better relationship as we haven’t spoken for a few weeks because I stood by a boundary I set. I’ve only realised in the last 5 years or so that my mom is a narcissist mother (she hit all 8 of your points in another one of your videos) who is something else…All I’ve ever wanted is for her to be my friend but with the way she is…..🤷🏾♀️
Thanks for this video. I forgave my mother and now we have a relationship. Its not great, but I am happy to be able to know my mother. BUT she has addressed her alcoholism, too. You should forgive, even if you never speak again. Because i can guarantee that someome has had to forgive YOU, and you might not even know who.
I’m a Gen-xer and the greatest generational breakdown in my life had been in the role of a man between Boomers and Millennials. When I was a kid, everything revolved around the wishes of my father and when I grew up it all became about the kids. I never really had an opportunity to have my power extend beyond people’s expectations of me. I’m a devoted son to my Mom but she’s losing her faculties and is depending on me more. The hardest thing she has to overcome is changing her perception of me. Just like my stepfather, I am a man that has abilities and is worthy of respect. And there’s some things I can do for Mom that he can’t. The way through this transition has been trying but very rewarding. I am catapulting out of my comfort zone and facing challenges that I’d rarely take on under normal circumstances. And I’m forced to be more patient and thorough and loving than I’ve ever been. But the potential for the life I’m creating with Mom is finally starting to eclipse the struggle Harder than hell to accomplish, but possible and completely worth it
I know what my mom is going through and I am deeply saddened by that. I know half of the issues we have with eachother are because she is not happy with herself and my dad. BUT. I do try my level best to help her sort it out. The problem is, she always thinks that she is right and I’m wrong. She cannot think multi dimensionally
What can be really hard about this is if you've spent literal DECADES letting this stuff wear on you, only to finally speak up about it, and then it turns out that her age has become a complicating factor because she literally doesn't even remember half of what she did anymore, and forgets stuff that she just did almost as soon as she does it... and it's like, there's this whole balancing act of wanting to be compassionate towards someone's needs and abilities changing as they age vs. wanting to also honor and resolve the difficulties that you've been carrying with you your whole life, and it's really hard to balance those.
Currently trying to navigate how to break it to my mom that I know my dad isn't my "dad". I've never met the guy, but her stories never made sense (oh he would never pass a paternity test, hes got weird blood, oh theres no pictures of him because he broke cameras, he doesnt want to be found) ...and other family members recently told me that he never was my dad but no one could seem to tell me WHO my dad is.... just that the one on my birth certificate isn't.
I think an issue is in viewing the video itself - does the mother look up videos to watch to help her communicate with her child? Or does she just demand things of her adult child and expect it and avoid personal development entirely? I think when two people try to get each other mutually and both aren't very good at it it's very different from when one person tries to get another person and the other person doesn't try at all, they just expect things.
Tfw you have BPD and end up moving back in with her lol I *have* to cut her off when either one of us is upset though because any display of emotion from me results in even more displayed emotion from her which either makes me more upset and/or angry (either one usually combined with scared) until I manage to remove myself from the situation I obviously don't remember being a baby but I can *so* easily see how instead of teaching me how to regulate my emotions she taught me how to make them spiral out of control
I do want a better relationship with my mom. Honestly, it might take time, though. But I believe once I have a better independence, it will help honestly. Because I do want her to meet my future partner one day and actually have a better relationship. This was really helpful. I have a hard time being open and honest with her about things etc. I know my mom does all she can. But if your parent was abusive, etc, then I can see this not working for you, and you shouldn't have to forgive them.
Hi Kati, can you make a video/give advice on the feeling of...relief after the death of a close person? My relationship with my farther was similar to what you talk about here. He was disabled, yet addicted gambler for 15 years. He passed away a few days ago. Although I'm sad, at the same time i feel a sort of relief....which i can both explain for myself and not. He was extremely toxic and although he depended on us for the most basic of his needs (he couldn't go out for 13 years and couldn't get up from bed for the past two), he still treated my mother like crap, demanded, complained and was unhappy with everything we did for him. We were always guilt tripped for being able to walk, go out, be healthy in general. Although we didn't go on trips and tried not to hurt him, he used to badmouth us all the time. Maybe this is why i feel this sense of relief, but he was my farther after all and i guess he loved me deep down inside. I'm sad and yet..torn between these contradicting feelings
Sometimes your mother is too underintelligent/immature to be reached. She's too busy navigating her day today sensor life to worry about you, to parent you'll beyond giving you the first two rungs of Maslow's hierarchy of needs (food, clothing shelter, not even safety because she refuses to leave her physically abusive husband, leading to a lifetime of anxiety disorders). Some mothers are unreachable to their intellectual children. Some mothers need to be given up on and abandoned.
Wow. Feels good to see I'm not alone. Yeah, my mother is intellectually challenged (and a narcissist). It's not her fault, but then it's not mine either, so why should I have to deal with it?
I have been in the headspace of as soon as you have independence get away from your parents, because they're just so abusive and will never change/ learn how to be emotionally mature. It almost feels weird to think about maybe considering trying to save it because it's just not salvageable, like if she's in my life with all its going to be distant. Sometimes it feels like a foreign thing to me that people could actually have a good relationship with their parents, boomers aren't typically the "I'll listen to you and consider your emotions and not be homophobic and offensive towards you" type, they're more, the "how dare you have emotions and not take abuse like my generation did/ I'll use my child as a power trip I finally feel like I have authority over my life" type
Katie: what if my relationship with my mom was healthy and helpful; but she wasn’t the same with my sister. My sister was strong willed, challenging my mom most of the time. Our mom died years ago. She holds a lot of hurt. How do I handle her hurt ? How do I meet my sister in her disappointments?
At the end of this month I’m moving internationally. My last week before I’m with my family. Just for context I am an identical twin. My sister and I are very opposite. She is religious, dresses modestly, and has a chronic illness, she doesn’t really drink either.I am not religious, dress how I want, and have no health issues, I drink socially. Naturally as we are twins people automatically compare. Back to my visit. Every time I’m with my family in my hometown I meet up with friends and have a drink - totally normal. Whenever I get home I get an earful to the point of emotionally breaking down because I’m not like my sister. My mom thinks I have a serious drinking problem. I’m about to finish a degree and move overseas I literally can’t afford to do that. I’m worried that on my last visit she’ll do the same comparison shit.
I just have a question and I don't know where to ask it: Can depression change your MBTI personality type? I have consistently had results over the last 20 years as an INFJ. However, my doctor has added Rexulti and I have been also been treating with wake therapy for unipolar depression, and over the last 2.5 months, every time I take the MTBI, my type comes back as a ENFP. It is as if the two center parts are unchanged but I am extroverted rather than introverted and the J has changed to a P. I see huge differences in how I see the world (also have been doing personal work at home with positive intent and trust), and how I approach the world. I have went from an introverted, untrusting, and ruminating person who assumes negative intent to someone who is extroverted, assumes positive intent, learning to trust, and adventurous, encouraging, and upbeat. I have frequent times when I think of something on a whim that would encourage someone I care about and follow through on that little project and am so excited to see it bring them joy, for instance post it'ing my boss's office with a thank you for what she did, buying my friend a small personal gift that I know she will love, etc. I have been motivated to clean my house, start a puzzle, and spend quality time with others. I feel like a different person, not in a way that seems too hyper or anything, but that I am happy and excited and extroverted, and I just wondered is it at all possible that major depression and its successful treatment could change parts of your personality?
My parents seem lazy to have a child like me cause I keep failing school and my mom she threaten to give me away to the foster care for not succeeding.
Idk man. My mom let her boyfriend abuse us. She beat us when we told someone. She wants to build a relationship with me, but it feels so unnatural. As a mom, I can’t even fathom doing what she did to my child.
You're not alone. I feel the same way about my mother. I actually dislike her (she did some horrible things, but over time hate turned to plain dislike). I just don't want to see her. Why should I have to?
What if it’s my fault that made my mom grow distant from me? And I’ve been forgiven so many times by her for my acts of foolishness but the last act I presented foolishly made her count me out of her life. I’m stuck and need help please. I miss making my mom smile through a happy conversation. Drugs and alcohol, no amount, can ever amount to the unconditional love from your mother
I forgive her to everything she did and to everything she will do. But how can I stay strong after every word from her? How can I set my mind calm? She’s making me walking on a way she drew for me. She’s drawing a circle around me and she prevented me to step out of it
It's not that I don't forgive my mother. But I can't handle it with her getting angry at me for no reason. And it's not how much I do or what my mother does. So I just have to move on with my own life.
for sure my mum wasn't the best, but I have SO.MUCH.ANGER towards her. I can't cope with it. Some times I wake up at night full of anger and I cannot fall asleep again.
#katifaq Hi Kati, love your videos, they have really helped me! I am new to this, hope you see these questions, sorry for unpacking this all at once. I have been going to therapy and my therapist stated she is going to push me harder since we have history. What does that mean? Should I expect her to get into the touchy subjects more easily or what should I expect. Also in my last session, afterwards I felt vulnerable for hours and anxious is this normal or did she push too hard? I have noticed that my anxiety is making me a controlling person that I need to know every detail to prepare. Not all topics are covered in my sessions because she wants to take one problem at a time, but i have more problems that i haven't told her about yet. How do I let go in therapy and trust the process that everything will be addressed eventually? Sorry last question, I don’t think I ever truly got over my grandma more stuffed it down and have repressed memories (I can’t remember freshman year) and am wondering if my anxiety and some of my actions are stemming from that. I want to mention it but am afraid of being put back into that mind set and shutting down again. I am also nervous because this is what I originally went to her back in college for and am afraid since she is familiar with this that she will use some triggers I am not ready for. I know I need to bring this up but is it okay to mention my fears and thoughts and say I am not ready to talk about this yet, or by doing that does it now make it the focal point of what to talk about?
My mom was not perfect. Is there any mom out there perfect? Are those that can so easily discard their mom, dad or both that perfect that when they look in the mirror, they see nothing but perfection? After having children of my own, I see they all have different personalities and act and react differently to situations, events and life in general. As a parent you have to wear different hats and switching those hats back in forth can be exhausting sometimes. When you go into the '1 parent for all mode' then someone is going to get their feelings hurt and you are the big bad parent. Then social media is quick to label people as narcissistic so you have 1 child that calls you a narcissist and will give you the silent treatment and try to influence the others you are mentally or emotionally abusive because you said 'no' to something. Funny how you try putting boundaries on them and they rebel.
I finf this very helpfull. I see a lot of people are still in the victim role (when I read the comments) and very angry. Trying to see things from her perpective makes YOU better and wiser. Nobody does harm to her child for fun. And it is never easy to be a mom. Just try to think about it. Everething is always your fault, no matter how hard you try. And the views on 'good parenting' change evere decade so you can NEVER get it right as a mom anyway!!!
I appreciated this comment. Sometimes parents raise their kids like their parents raised them. And I realized it after I got older that my parents didn’t teach me people skills and I couldn’t teach my children and now we are all learning together. Nobody feels like a victim when you try to make your life better
People are messed up and have issues. The title of "mom" doesn't erase any of that. Don't confuse your gestures of love and care for mom with that and it should be always met with thanks and gratefulness. Everyone "thinks" they are right. 😉
This is gonna be long, kinda a vent. I really have problems with my mom, it doesn't matter what I do she always twists it and I hate that, for example today, she gave me money for Christmas, we went to the mall with my sister, she nearly spent it all, I after looking everything decided that I didn't want to spent it, nothing looks neither something I want neither relevant, I ate, bought and ice cream, and did a little other things, when we want back she asked us what did we buy and I told her nothing, she started to insult me say I'm always saving the damn money she gives me, that I'm a fucking miserable guy, that it's horrible a man that can't spent money and that she cannot trust me because I don't spent her money, she told me well if you wanna behave like that give me back the money! I told her I was gonna invest it, and she went even more crazy after I told her that. I'm mad, we're financially living to the fucking day I DON'T WANNA SPENT ALL THE FUCKING MONEY! EVEN MORE IF IT ISN'T IMPORTANT, if I bought something like a PS4 game or a PS5 you would call me irresponsible and stupid and blablabla, if I save money I'm greedy, if I give you back your money then insulting you by not appreciating your efforts to provide, if I spent it all DO YOU EVER THINK IN THE FAMILY?!? Oh Jesus fuck! She's never happy with whatever's I do, if I do good in school it's not enough, "You're doing good, but what about sports" if I do sports, then it's time consuming and she's tired to bring me and take me this place, and one from another, if I take a bus it's not safe, I'm irresponsible "You have to wait for me". DAMN, YOU'RE NEVER HAPPY WITH me. Enough. I'm just really tired, whatever I do gets my mom cursing me, I don't feel supported at all, I don't feel comfortable telling her my stuff, neither asking her for money, or stuffs, I always feel she's zooming in my mistakes and doesn't care at all I do something right, I feels stressed. She gives me headaches all days. I get in troubles with her everytime I'm who I'm. I don't like living here, with her. But even with all I love her. I feel stupid to say the last part.
All she does is bring up her definition of God. She thinks it fixes everything but it doesn't. I can't talk to her. She has three other children, who have all given her grandchildren. I'm always going to be single who has nothing to give her. We have nothing to bond over.
Listening to your video "Taking a Break From TH-cam - about 7 months ago) I can remember working 80-90+ years as a Real Estate Broker running a profitable Boutique Agency. I.WAS.SO.EXHAUSTED. Kati, of course, you don't know me, but may I say, I think you may have needed much more than 1 week off. Perhaps a full season. Like a full summer, spring, autumn, or winter. I know this vid is 7 months old, but wonder what the upshot was. Blessings ... Angela
More videos on navigating relationships with your family: th-cam.com/play/PL_loxoCVsWqyAlQyfLTtU8f0_hOQY6uX_.html
My biggest lifesaver!!
Sadly, when you try all of the above and still only receive denial, gaslighting and manipulation. No Contact was my last option. Luckily there are people like Kati who offer kindess, understanding and compassion. Thank again Kati!! you're doing awesome work!! 🙏🙏💖💖✨✨
Sometimes that is all we can do to take care of ourselves. I am so sorry you have had to go through that, and so glad I could be here to support along the way. xoxo
My relationship with my mom was kind of up and down throughout our lives. But it wasn’t horrible, just bumpy sometimes. It wasn’t until she developed dementia, and I became her full time caregiver, that things really changed. Because the dementia made her so vulnerable and transparent, it was then that I finally began to realize why she was the way she was, and gained a greater understanding of her life. It was then that I was finally able to forgive her for the hurtful things that occurred during my childhood. In some ways, the 6 years I cared for her in her dementia were some of the best in our lives and relationships. It wasn’t borne out of pity, but rather compassion and empathy on my part-too really see and understand her. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. It wasn’t always easy, and all sunshine and roses, because she could still be very difficult, but with new insight, we managed.
Inspiring!
My mom is constantly negative. Everything eventually takes the form of "I can't" or "You can't", "I don't" or "You don't..." of course don't forget the "I'm not..." or "You're not..." or "I never..." It doesn't even matter what she says next. The negativity is so toxic it's suffocating and disabling. There's nothing to do out of that negativity. Life itself grinds to a halt. It feels like she's competing with me all the time. The moment I accomplish something or do good work she'll belittle it down to how she's somehow better than me. I do love her and tell her so. But it's extremely hard to truly forgive someone when they keep doing what you're trying to forgive them for.
It took me a long time to understand just how crappy my mom was. I went through some EMDR, and it's gotten easier to let it go. No forgiveness (in my definition), but I have mostly let it go.
I am so glad you are getting help and it's getting easier :) xoxoxo
Thank you for doing this video. I came from an abusive home (father) BUT I was able to have a healthy relationship once I moved out of his house. I forgave him. Having space and boundaries (along with me growing up and seeing past myself) my dad and I actually got along great! My dad didn’t know how to raise a teenage girl. But once I became an adult and stopped being so argumentative and started seeing him in a different light, it made a huge difference. I’m so glad we were able to get along and that he was able to be a part of his grandchildren’s life. He passed away 13 years ago and l’ll never regret having him in our lives. After losing both my parents, I’m glad I don’t have “what if” regrets.
Nah. I don't need to do any of these things. She's an adult who is responsible for her own actions. I'm limited contact right now. Also, I don't believe someone has to forgive in order to heal. That's a fallacy. Forgiveness should be reserved for people who deserve it and who you do want a relationship with.
This is a valid statement. This is assuming you want to have a relationship. You don't have to have one.
I think this video is more for people who want to have a better relationship with their mom. If your mom did horrific things to you, etc, then It's understandable if you don't want anything to do with her.
But I think this is more for people who may want a better relationship with their parents. Who maybe they weren't abusive at all or any of those things. But had a hard time seeing things from their parents' perspective.
I also don't believe you have to forgive to heal I do think moving away or finding your own independent and relationships outside of the abusive ones helps even more then forgiving that as you said should be reserved for people you have a healthy relationship with.
It is more about forgiving yourself because you did nothing to deserve it in the first place but you do you , have fun with that.
@@Feribrat99 if I did nothing wrong, I don't need forgiveness.
If you aren't hoping to improve the relationship (which you definitely don't have to at all!) then this video isn't really geared towards you. It was more focused on people who are trying to find a way to work on their relationship or figure out what they can and can't do.. if that makes sense. You have ever right to be limited or no contact and take care of yourself. xoxo
Thank you Kati, all of these tips are helpful. This is a especially sensitive time for me since mothers day is coming soon. My relationship with my mom is strained because there is abuse in our past. Verbal abuse and emotional abuse happened and no accountability was taken. I wish to have a relationship with her that is free of any form of abuse and that may not happen. My healing journey doesnt involve her or anyone else changing anymore. My healing involves doing inner child work, connecting with the child in me, giving her what she always deserved, to feel safe and explore who we are, to have fun
It’s sad when you try to improve things but they don’t work. When your mother is narcissistic, open, honest communication results in gaslighting. Strong boundaries result in ridicule, punishment and even stronger control. Yes, we all had asshole moments as kids, but abuse is abuse. I’m glad you said we can forgive and not have a relationship with her, she would disagree.
My mom is somewhat what you said.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
@@peterwilliams6361 Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
@@DailamiPuang Her name is chamani White, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
@@peterwilliams6361 Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I can't with these bots having conversations 😂😂😂
- assess the relationship:
Values, beliefs,
- consider your role, your duties, your responsibilities, how u talk, act, react
your intention, thoughts
words, actions , reactions towards her
- see her perspective; hold a positive opinion about her
- releasing negative emotions + forgiveness
- know your needs + triggers
- u can’t change others.
- boundaries + time limit
Boundaries were hard to figure out, especially when it was as not taught. I didn’t have choices as a child. Lol, I would always say “yes” to everything. I’d get mad (haha) when I felt that the other person didn’t go out of their way for me. Lol. I remember a neighbor coming to my door and asking how I was doing. I said I had a headache. He then asked me, can you watch my son. Lol, without thinking, I said yes. I got so mad at myself. I didn’t even have the awareness then what was happening. That people pleasing was not helping. I had to backup and see where it came from. I had to even practice and relearn a new behavior. I first thought it was rules…haha. But I see it as action I take to feel safe.
Thank you, Kati for all of your videos. I'm from Japan.
We don't talk about mental health in my country. I've been struggling with childhood emotional neglect but I didn't even know the word CEN until I watched your videos. I decided to start therapy with a Japanese therapist who have studied overseas.
You really helped me a lot to learn about myself!
These steps can be applied to other relationships. These are very useful to help bring awareness to both sides. Healing with forgiveness helps let go of suppressed emotions, which can be subconsciously held and realized later, creating turmoil. Communication is vital. Blessings
Agreed!! This can improve any and all of our relationships :) xxoxo
This video actually gave me a lot of perspective and peace in my view on my relationship with my family. Thank you so much seriously🙇♀️🙇♀️🙇♀️
I found what you said about forgiveness very true, insightful and helpful - for relationships (or the end of a relationship) in general. 😊
This was actually so helpful, thank you so much
Yay!! I am so glad :) And of course!! Happy to help :) xoxo
Thank you for this !
Thank you for sharing!
I am only half way through this video and I had to stop and thank you for pointing out many things that I did in looking at my relationship with my mom and seeing that I did the working out of it quite well.
She has been gone 2 years now and it is 4 years since I last saw her in person. nope, not the plague but old age, she was 97. she had an abusive family herself so I get all that. She could not see where it came from, generational disconnect in self analyzing of course. She did not have the drive nor the resources I do. She was stuck in her pattern.
I had to forgive her each and every time I saw her over the last 30 years. She tried to make my kids feel shame and I had to block that all the time, my kids are fine by the way, I shielded them well.
She was pretty good at knifing me in the back and neglected me emotionally for the most part, but I learned how to sidestep her really well. Limiting contact was the best cushion for all of us.
My husband did not help in that matter since he was raised by an emotionally distant mother as well. She is a piece of work oh yeah. another story there.
My sister is malignant through and through and became a fine example of where not forgiving my mom could take you. I am still waiting for her to die as I will finally be free of this crap. No people, that is not being heartless nor is it wrong, it is just what it is and that is the gist of having a narc family and being the scapegoat for everything all your life.
May they all come back as someone they cannot stand, LOL.
I divorced my entire family since they raised their kids to be much like them, I am not missing anything there by the way. LIFE IS GOOD.
I am 67. I am my own person again and thanks to you and others Like Dr. Carter and Dr. Romani I have over the last 6 or 7 years really pieced myself back together in a good and healthy way.
" having a narc family and being the scapegoat for everything all your life." I can relate. Thanks for your message, made me feel less alone.
Really helpfull thank youuu so much
You are a fresh and healthy voice in this matter, Thank you and may you live long and prosper, LOL, Love being a Trekie, Boundaries are a girls BEST Friend. No other will do more for you no matter how good a friend they are with you.
This doesn’t apply to abusive relationships. The victims are NOT to blame. We don’t pity the abuser but the abused! No one should forgive someone when they continue to abuse us. Sorry this is a fluffy and nice emails for common mommy issues. NOT Narcissistic Mothers
Exactly. As this especially applies to parents from conservative and authoritarian cultural/social backgrounds. In such cases, not only do the children suffer from the parents’ personal abuse, but they have to withstand the oppression the whole society exerts on them (in these cases, the parents are somewhat instruments for such societal oppression). Like for example if you are a woman in certain places, you may be forced by your parents to get married early or have children against your will. Or if you are LGBTQ and your parents are homo/trans/biphobic. Or if you are from a totalitarian country and your parents can harm you for your desire for freedom and democracy, etc.
Agree!
I totally agree!! This was not geared towards abusive relationships.. I have other videos that cover abusive relationships and how we can move on and heal from all we have been through. xoxo
I really disagree. There is no good reason to hold a grudge. And i say that as a person that used to hold grudges like it was my middle name.
I still think that it can help a victim to try and understand an abuser's behavior. I think that this video would still be helpful in that regard.
Thank you! ❤
Excellent! Kati!
Hi, thank you for your videos 🙏🏾 I’m 42 and trying to find a way for me and my mom (63) to have a better relationship as we haven’t spoken for a few weeks because I stood by a boundary I set. I’ve only realised in the last 5 years or so that my mom is a narcissist mother (she hit all 8 of your points in another one of your videos) who is something else…All I’ve ever wanted is for her to be my friend but with the way she is…..🤷🏾♀️
Thanks for this video.
I forgave my mother and now we have a relationship. Its not great, but I am happy to be able to know my mother. BUT she has addressed her alcoholism, too. You should forgive, even if you never speak again. Because i can guarantee that someome has had to forgive YOU, and you might not even know who.
Mine improved immeasurably 4 years ago. She died. Heartless? She was my childhood abuser.
Your the best you bring so much joy to me thanks for helping
Aww of course!! So happy to help :) xoxo
@@Katimorton having generalised anxiety disorder and cerabal palsy makes family relationships so hard for sometimes
I’m a Gen-xer and the greatest generational breakdown in my life had been in the role of a man between Boomers and Millennials. When I was a kid, everything revolved around the wishes of my father and when I grew up it all became about the kids. I never really had an opportunity to have my power extend beyond people’s expectations of me. I’m a devoted son to my Mom but she’s losing her faculties and is depending on me more. The hardest thing she has to overcome is changing her perception of me. Just like my stepfather, I am a man that has abilities and is worthy of respect. And there’s some things I can do for Mom that he can’t.
The way through this transition has been trying but very rewarding. I am catapulting out of my comfort zone and facing challenges that I’d rarely take on under normal circumstances. And I’m forced to be more patient and thorough and loving than I’ve ever been. But the potential for the life I’m creating with Mom is finally starting to eclipse the struggle
Harder than hell to accomplish, but possible and completely worth it
I know what my mom is going through and I am deeply saddened by that. I know half of the issues we have with eachother are because she is not happy with herself and my dad. BUT. I do try my level best to help her sort it out. The problem is, she always thinks that she is right and I’m wrong. She cannot think multi dimensionally
What can be really hard about this is if you've spent literal DECADES letting this stuff wear on you, only to finally speak up about it, and then it turns out that her age has become a complicating factor because she literally doesn't even remember half of what she did anymore, and forgets stuff that she just did almost as soon as she does it... and it's like, there's this whole balancing act of wanting to be compassionate towards someone's needs and abilities changing as they age vs. wanting to also honor and resolve the difficulties that you've been carrying with you your whole life, and it's really hard to balance those.
Currently trying to navigate how to break it to my mom that I know my dad isn't my "dad". I've never met the guy, but her stories never made sense (oh he would never pass a paternity test, hes got weird blood, oh theres no pictures of him because he broke cameras, he doesnt want to be found) ...and other family members recently told me that he never was my dad but no one could seem to tell me WHO my dad is.... just that the one on my birth certificate isn't.
I think an issue is in viewing the video itself - does the mother look up videos to watch to help her communicate with her child? Or does she just demand things of her adult child and expect it and avoid personal development entirely? I think when two people try to get each other mutually and both aren't very good at it it's very different from when one person tries to get another person and the other person doesn't try at all, they just expect things.
Tfw you have BPD and end up moving back in with her lol
I *have* to cut her off when either one of us is upset though because any display of emotion from me results in even more displayed emotion from her which either makes me more upset and/or angry (either one usually combined with scared) until I manage to remove myself from the situation
I obviously don't remember being a baby but I can *so* easily see how instead of teaching me how to regulate my emotions she taught me how to make them spiral out of control
I do want a better relationship with my mom. Honestly, it might take time, though. But I believe once I have a better independence, it will help honestly. Because I do want her to meet my future partner one day and actually have a better relationship. This was really helpful. I have a hard time being open and honest with her about things etc. I know my mom does all she can. But if your parent was abusive, etc, then I can see this not working for you, and you shouldn't have to forgive them.
Hi Kati, can you make a video/give advice on the feeling of...relief after the death of a close person? My relationship with my farther was similar to what you talk about here. He was disabled, yet addicted gambler for 15 years. He passed away a few days ago. Although I'm sad, at the same time i feel a sort of relief....which i can both explain for myself and not. He was extremely toxic and although he depended on us for the most basic of his needs (he couldn't go out for 13 years and couldn't get up from bed for the past two), he still treated my mother like crap, demanded, complained and was unhappy with everything we did for him. We were always guilt tripped for being able to walk, go out, be healthy in general. Although we didn't go on trips and tried not to hurt him, he used to badmouth us all the time. Maybe this is why i feel this sense of relief, but he was my farther after all and i guess he loved me deep down inside. I'm sad and yet..torn between these contradicting feelings
Sometimes your mother is too underintelligent/immature to be reached. She's too busy navigating her day today sensor life to worry about you, to parent you'll beyond giving you the first two rungs of Maslow's hierarchy of needs (food, clothing shelter, not even safety because she refuses to leave her physically abusive husband, leading to a lifetime of anxiety disorders). Some mothers are unreachable to their intellectual children.
Some mothers need to be given up on and abandoned.
Wow. Feels good to see I'm not alone. Yeah, my mother is intellectually challenged (and a narcissist). It's not her fault, but then it's not mine either, so why should I have to deal with it?
I have been in the headspace of as soon as you have independence get away from your parents, because they're just so abusive and will never change/ learn how to be emotionally mature.
It almost feels weird to think about maybe considering trying to save it because it's just not salvageable, like if she's in my life with all its going to be distant.
Sometimes it feels like a foreign thing to me that people could actually have a good relationship with their parents, boomers aren't typically the "I'll listen to you and consider your emotions and not be homophobic and offensive towards you" type, they're more, the "how dare you have emotions and not take abuse like my generation did/ I'll use my child as a power trip I finally feel like I have authority over my life" type
Katie: what if my relationship with my mom was healthy and helpful; but she wasn’t the same with my sister. My sister was strong willed, challenging my mom most of the time. Our mom died years ago. She holds a lot of hurt. How do I handle her hurt ? How do I meet my sister in her disappointments?
I assume these tips also apply for the relationship to our dads. They can be quite complex, too.
At the end of this month I’m moving internationally. My last week before I’m with my family. Just for context I am an identical twin. My sister and I are very opposite. She is religious, dresses modestly, and has a chronic illness, she doesn’t really drink either.I am not religious, dress how I want, and have no health issues, I drink socially. Naturally as we are twins people automatically compare. Back to my visit. Every time I’m with my family in my hometown I meet up with friends and have a drink - totally normal. Whenever I get home I get an earful to the point of emotionally breaking down because I’m not like my sister. My mom thinks I have a serious drinking problem. I’m about to finish a degree and move overseas I literally can’t afford to do that. I’m worried that on my last visit she’ll do the same comparison shit.
I just have a question and I don't know where to ask it: Can depression change your MBTI personality type? I have consistently had results over the last 20 years as an INFJ. However, my doctor has added Rexulti and I have been also been treating with wake therapy for unipolar depression, and over the last 2.5 months, every time I take the MTBI, my type comes back as a ENFP. It is as if the two center parts are unchanged but I am extroverted rather than introverted and the J has changed to a P. I see huge differences in how I see the world (also have been doing personal work at home with positive intent and trust), and how I approach the world. I have went from an introverted, untrusting, and ruminating person who assumes negative intent to someone who is extroverted, assumes positive intent, learning to trust, and adventurous, encouraging, and upbeat. I have frequent times when I think of something on a whim that would encourage someone I care about and follow through on that little project and am so excited to see it bring them joy, for instance post it'ing my boss's office with a thank you for what she did, buying my friend a small personal gift that I know she will love, etc. I have been motivated to clean my house, start a puzzle, and spend quality time with others. I feel like a different person, not in a way that seems too hyper or anything, but that I am happy and excited and extroverted, and I just wondered is it at all possible that major depression and its successful treatment could change parts of your personality?
Boundary vs trying to change the relationship… is there a real difference?
My parents seem lazy to have a child like me cause I keep failing school and my mom she threaten to give me away to the foster care for not succeeding.
Idk man. My mom let her boyfriend abuse us. She beat us when we told someone. She wants to build a relationship with me, but it feels so unnatural. As a mom, I can’t even fathom doing what she did to my child.
You're not alone. I feel the same way about my mother. I actually dislike her (she did some horrible things, but over time hate turned to plain dislike). I just don't want to see her. Why should I have to?
Hey kati can you please make a video on how to deal with loving someone you can’t have
I had a nightmare about my deceased mother. The irony is that my mom's behavior in my dream was exactly how she acted in real life.
What if it’s my fault that made my mom grow distant from me? And I’ve been forgiven so many times by her for my acts of foolishness but the last act I presented foolishly made her count me out of her life. I’m stuck and need help please. I miss making my mom smile through a happy conversation. Drugs and alcohol, no amount, can ever amount to the unconditional love from your mother
I forgive her to everything she did and to everything she will do. But how can I stay strong after every word from her? How can I set my mind calm?
She’s making me walking on a way she drew for me.
She’s drawing a circle around me and she prevented me to step out of it
Clearly you’ve never been abused by a toxic narcissist
It's not that I don't forgive my mother. But I can't handle it with her getting angry at me for no reason. And it's not how much I do or what my mother does. So I just have to move on with my own life.
Also forgive doesn’t mean forget.
for sure my mum wasn't the best, but I have SO.MUCH.ANGER towards her. I can't cope with it. Some times I wake up at night full of anger and I cannot fall asleep again.
#katifaq Hi Kati, love your videos, they have really helped me! I am new to this, hope you see these questions, sorry for unpacking this all at once. I have been going to therapy and my therapist stated she is going to push me harder since we have history. What does that mean? Should I expect her to get into the touchy subjects more easily or what should I expect. Also in my last session, afterwards I felt vulnerable for hours and anxious is this normal or did she push too hard? I have noticed that my anxiety is making me a controlling person that I need to know every detail to prepare. Not all topics are covered in my sessions because she wants to take one problem at a time, but i have more problems that i haven't told her about yet. How do I let go in therapy and trust the process that everything will be addressed eventually? Sorry last question, I don’t think I ever truly got over my grandma more stuffed it down and have repressed memories (I can’t remember freshman year) and am wondering if my anxiety and some of my actions are stemming from that. I want to mention it but am afraid of being put back into that mind set and shutting down again. I am also nervous because this is what I originally went to her back in college for and am afraid since she is familiar with this that she will use some triggers I am not ready for. I know I need to bring this up but is it okay to mention my fears and thoughts and say I am not ready to talk about this yet, or by doing that does it now make it the focal point of what to talk about?
“Peak asshole” I feel that 😅
I think i can only forgive her if i move out and sont have to deal w her anymore. Meanwhile, i get punched everyday. And that affects me everyday.
You don't have to forgive her or have a relationship with her if she's abusive. Your safety's first priority.
No contact 😂 it’s the only way
My mom was not perfect. Is there any mom out there perfect? Are those that can so easily discard their mom, dad or both that perfect that when they look in the mirror, they see nothing but perfection? After having children of my own, I see they all have different personalities and act and react differently to situations, events and life in general. As a parent you have to wear different hats and switching those hats back in forth can be exhausting sometimes. When you go into the '1 parent for all mode' then someone is going to get their feelings hurt and you are the big bad parent. Then social media is quick to label people as narcissistic so you have 1 child that calls you a narcissist and will give you the silent treatment and try to influence the others you are mentally or emotionally abusive because you said 'no' to something. Funny how you try putting boundaries on them and they rebel.
I finf this very helpfull. I see a lot of people are still in the victim role (when I read the comments) and very angry. Trying to see things from her perpective makes YOU better and wiser. Nobody does harm to her child for fun. And it is never easy to be a mom. Just try to think about it. Everething is always your fault, no matter how hard you try. And the views on 'good parenting' change evere decade so you can NEVER get it right as a mom anyway!!!
I appreciated this comment. Sometimes parents raise their kids like their parents raised them. And I realized it after I got older that my parents didn’t teach me people skills and I couldn’t teach my children and now we are all learning together. Nobody feels like a victim when you try to make your life better
That sounds so positive. Just blaming People Will not give you anything butt feeling lonely and depressed
People are messed up and have issues. The title of "mom" doesn't erase any of that.
Don't confuse your gestures of love and care for mom with that and it should be always met with thanks and gratefulness.
Everyone "thinks" they are right.
😉
Can you make a dad version of this?
Of course!! xoxo
@@Katimorton yay! Thank you so much and for the heart cannot wait for the video!
What relationship? Chronic malignant emotional/physical abuse is non forgivable.
Nope!!
Forgive her for what?
🌹🌹🌹
This is gonna be long, kinda a vent. I really have problems with my mom, it doesn't matter what I do she always twists it and I hate that, for example today, she gave me money for Christmas, we went to the mall with my sister, she nearly spent it all, I after looking everything decided that I didn't want to spent it, nothing looks neither something I want neither relevant, I ate, bought and ice cream, and did a little other things, when we want back she asked us what did we buy and I told her nothing, she started to insult me say I'm always saving the damn money she gives me, that I'm a fucking miserable guy, that it's horrible a man that can't spent money and that she cannot trust me because I don't spent her money, she told me well if you wanna behave like that give me back the money! I told her I was gonna invest it, and she went even more crazy after I told her that. I'm mad, we're financially living to the fucking day I DON'T WANNA SPENT ALL THE FUCKING MONEY! EVEN MORE IF IT ISN'T IMPORTANT, if I bought something like a PS4 game or a PS5 you would call me irresponsible and stupid and blablabla, if I save money I'm greedy, if I give you back your money then insulting you by not appreciating your efforts to provide, if I spent it all DO YOU EVER THINK IN THE FAMILY?!? Oh Jesus fuck! She's never happy with whatever's I do, if I do good in school it's not enough, "You're doing good, but what about sports" if I do sports, then it's time consuming and she's tired to bring me and take me this place, and one from another, if I take a bus it's not safe, I'm irresponsible "You have to wait for me". DAMN, YOU'RE NEVER HAPPY WITH me. Enough. I'm just really tired, whatever I do gets my mom cursing me, I don't feel supported at all, I don't feel comfortable telling her my stuff, neither asking her for money, or stuffs, I always feel she's zooming in my mistakes and doesn't care at all I do something right, I feels stressed. She gives me headaches all days. I get in troubles with her everytime I'm who I'm. I don't like living here, with her. But even with all I love her. I feel stupid to say the last part.
It’s too late for me,she has alzheimers and is forgetting me quickly 😢
💔
This is impossible!
The best relationship with a mom is to have never been born to one ❤💖🌼💕💖💖💖💖
Whaaaaat
🧡🧡🧡🌼🌼🌼
🤣🍿
🤮My mother hates me
All she does is bring up her definition of God. She thinks it fixes everything but it doesn't. I can't talk to her.
She has three other children, who have all given her grandchildren.
I'm always going to be single who has nothing to give her. We have nothing to bond over.
Listening to your video "Taking a Break From TH-cam - about 7 months ago) I can remember working 80-90+ years as a Real Estate Broker running a profitable Boutique Agency. I.WAS.SO.EXHAUSTED. Kati, of course, you don't know me, but may I say, I think you may have needed much more than 1 week off. Perhaps a full season. Like a full summer, spring, autumn, or winter. I know this vid is 7 months old, but wonder what the upshot was. Blessings ... Angela
hey, nice vid, great job, if its alright, can i dm you as i move along through your content if you don't mind.