I love this cause it's true. Everytime I think back to my past relationships - I see how both of us were just triggering eachother . Ik it was them aswell as it was me
1. Notice your relationships 2. How do you start, improve and end your relationships? 3. Healthy communication difficulties : YOU always and never statement 4. Attachment issues: insecure, avoidant, disorganized 5. Repeated patterns , and not changing your behavior and reaction How to be better? - emotional regulation - inner child work
I've lived it in 2 marriages, but the good thing is I've learned from my mistakes and lived 10 years alone and worked on myself. Now, 6 years in my 3rd marriage, I think I've got it. Thank you for helping us...
Never married, but spent the last decade romantically isolating. I tried dating someone recently, but became irrationally limerent trying to make the wrong person the right person, and eventually broke my own heart realizing they weren't a match for me. The good news is that I feel more aware of the limerence and what I want out of a partner. And I started EMDR and started cleaning up my own act a bit. The good parts of the dating were really good, but the bad part was toxic enough that I knew it would be a horribly dissatisfying long-term thing.
As Autistic'ADHD and possibly BPD due to past trauma, communication and setting boundaries is very difficult and being in a relationship never lasts more than a year. I used to be shamed for setting boundaries and asking for help ( shamed for crying too )
i was about to talk about autism ! i think we shouldn't take this video as a Truth and bring nuances. like the "childish behaviors", communication struggles and all. you MIGHT be the problem wouldv'e been a better tittle for this video
I think one thing that most people lack is the ability to take accountability for their actions. Taking accountability for your actions and admitting you were wrong, and understanding why you were wrong is something everyone needs to work on.
The tricky part is admitting to ourselves that we are "the problem" (usually it is more than one cause) without guilt shaming ourselves. Especially if you have a religious upbringing, where guilt is a major topic, this can create a spiral towards self destructive thoughts. I guess it is important not to be judgemental about ourselves as well as about others.
Couldn't agree more Christoph!! It's admitting our own role and working to improve that without blaming or shaming.. we all have things we need to work on :) xoxo
This is unfortunately where I am. Being neurodivergent (not diagnosed so not sure specifically what type) and being raised by a somewhat narcissistic and highly religious mother, I've had to develope a significant amount of mindfulness and self awareness. This is a double edged sword as I am knowledgeable of my mistakes, but severely criticize myself over every little mistake. It is so innate in me that it is Instinct. I was labeled as "broken" early on in life, and it's hard to find positives in life... to the point where often the thought "why do I even try" surfaces whenever faced with the slightest mistake or weakness I perceive in my own character...
You are much more likely to be self destructive without any moral compass and if you fall into the judeo masonic new age religion which is promoted by most psychologists. Yoga, meditation , self worship are all destructive to your soul
I suffer from CPTSD and this was exactly the case for me. I was everything in the video but what I can say is that because of my CPTSD, it was like my 'alarm bell' for who to let in and who not to was just broken. I'd get with women but low-key really dislike them and they low-key wouldn't really like me. Years ago I'd have felt ashamed for saying that, but good lord, since the Pandemic, the number of conversations I've had with friends and family admitting to doing exactly the same. We really are coming to grips with a deep understanding of trauma and abuse these days.
Literally the problem in every way, in every relationship. I've recently become aware of essentially being a 10yo trapped in a man's body, so now I'm trying to figure out how to establish my first healthy relationship. It's scary to try because it's just so damn embarrassing to admit this to people, but it'll be worth it. Thanks for the info 🙏
You're not the only one... we are all just children in adult bodies, until we start to take responsibility for the things we do wrong.. instead of blaming everyone else. I was stuck in my teens for a decade and a half lol
Most of the problematic relationships I formed were before I learned that I had boundary issues. It’s interesting to see how they are dissolving one by one, but thank god for boundaries.
I don't have a problem with boundaries. I have low expectations for how people show up in my life. I was neglected. I believe a relationship with me is a burden and that showing emotion (esp anger) or emotional neediness will send people who are only tentatively interested running. I think I am the problem but setting boundaries doesn't work when no one is engaging at all. I sometimes wish someone cared enough to yell at me.
@@amys0482 The point is too many people are labeling everyone as a Narcissist. Especially truth tellers. Have you ever been into the comments section of all these "narc abuse" videos? It's absolutely a toxic area. Trying to point out facts there will get you called names and hundreds of people screaming. LOL. Fact is less than 1% are Narcissistic, 74% of them are males. Yet? EVERYONE'S MOM is a "true narc". Therapists have been brainwashing the young since forever ! They are throwing pills out like candy and having people believe their "feels" and "their truths" is all that matters. Facts aren't allowed and everyone needs to cater to the weak. It's just as sick as the emotional damage this same mental health field did when they (on purpose) didn't allow one control group of children to have any human touch or when they used children like caged animals/ a sideshow. They've torn apart families and twins. Mutilated the very brain they want to examine. History proves these people aren't your friend nor are they here to help you. They have only destroyed. Every single time! Facts!!
Maybe you’re not actually the problem and you’re just in a toxic relationship or friendship. Watch the 10 signs of a toxic friendship or relationship here: th-cam.com/video/JLH0RbMcHOg/w-d-xo.html
Kati Morton. I have always had my friendship and relationships end with arguments and fights also disappointment and disagreement s iv never ended any of my friendships or relationships as they have always left and abandoned me left me with sadness and hurt with a broken heart that's why I'm so lonely now I'm still trying to find myself and get back my feelings and trust in finding and getting into new friendships and relationships thanks Kati ❤❤
None of my previous relationships were like this one and each ended differently and for diffrent reasons. This one is the one who brought up all my traumas and I am working on myself in the last 2 years but I still can’t handle myself or the situation. I will watch more of your videos as I’m about to break up and I’m scared if is the right thing due to my traumas? Thanks
I have a hard tirme telling whether I'm the problem or others are. I mean, I know "I am the problem" in ways like, I have anxiety, trauma, and have a fairly toxic family that historically has refused to get help or acknowledge their shortcomings or wrong doings and that has made things more complicated for me to even understand what is "healthy" or "normal". I know my mental and developmental issues complicate things, and that things like being "triggered" are a "me" problem. But....ok, I left my mother's house because of how toxic it got living with her (wasn't allowed to have feelings, she'd get mad at me for being disabled and having a "victim" mentality, when I was actively dealing w/"victim" problems, and never was willing to budge to meet both our needs. I lived in a shelter for over a year until they got a new contract that required them to kick out all long term residents, including me, and I had found no housing. So I had to move back with my mom. I've been trying to be what she expects of me, and to create a "persona", kind of like a work persona, in order to do the things that make her feel comfortable and not sour on me. But some things are out of my control, and when big triggers happen or her "nice" face slips (I did not contact her as much as possible while I was in the shelter because of how bad our relationship got - so I feel like she's in a "honeymoon" phase because she has me back now), I slip into a fugue state - just major trauma and the only way I know how to handle it is to leave, like, just leave, even though there is nowhere to go. So I can't tell - I know it's "ME" in the fact that it's my trauma and the healing I tried to do did not revolve around me being able to survive living w/family again, but to heal from the dysfunction of living under their paradigms, and I do not have a good skillset on how to handle all the things I left behind because i couldn't find a way to heal those issues w/my family w/them, but without things really descending into how bad they were when I left, I wonder, am I the issue? Have I always been the issue? Did I make those things up (no, I did not make the bad things up, btw - I remember how bad it was, and I wasn't wrong. I just FEEL like maybe I made it up because it isn't quite visible yet, and I always eternally hope and believe that people can change)? And what if they did magically heal all their problems, without therapy, and now i really am the only problem? Never been good at telling these things. I just feel like, now that I can't ever live outside my family's beliefs, that everything is a "me" problem and i'm immature and incapable and stupid and....idk....
I have BPD and I know I am the problem. I´ve had so much therapy, but at some point relationships just started to get so exhausting I found myself more and more self-reliant. I used to have many toxic friendships in the past where I had no boundaries and people just walked over me or I had these weird delusions where I believed we are closer than we actually were. Many people I believed to be my closest friends slow faded me or didn´t show up when I was going through really dark times. And I know it´s my fault for choosing people who were just not interested in a deeper relationship, or needed someone to use for a constant supply of emotional support. I am 25 and I am just so tired of this cycle that I don´t know how to overcome because I am just delusional about so many things...it´s like trying to cross a busy road when you´re blind and there is no one to help you.
You're 25 and already figuring out this stuff. Be kind to yourself and keep forging ahead, work on yourself and enjoy the beautiful life that awaits you
@@Kampfrattex3 I had 6 therapists, and there was one that really helped me, but she couldn´t keep me in her practice because there was a rule you cannot keep patients who you work with in DBT. After DBT ended, I had to say goodbye to her. I think I am at the point I need a break from therapy, because I´ve been doing it fo 6 years and it took a tool on me. It helped very much of course, but at the same time, it left me with little energy to focus on anything else than my mental health. I would really like to start living a normal life and just get a proper job, my own place and stop reminding myself how traumatized I am every week in therapy.
3:32 - "... but the boundary is actually what we do when they do 'that thing' ..." I realize that this, for some, is probably so obvious, but I've been in therapy for part of 2022, and all of 2023 (diff therapist this year), and I've never heard this explained so succinctly, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. This will help me so much in my work! You really never know where you'll pick up a wisdom nugget ... thank you, Kati.
Taking a look at ourselves is hard and this video was so enlightening you made it easy to get some idea's for self improvement and healing. I had a lot of bad friendships/relationships and finally met a man i am seeing now. I didnt trust him at first, i was blah blah blah and then one day i decided to grow up and stop blaming him for my shitty past. He was more than patient and put up with me. I now am journaling, accepting my past and moving forward learning to be my own best friend first. I am more relaxed, happier and letting go. We are still together and he is so happy with me now. Bravo for a well done look into "who dunnit it" perspective.
Difficulty with emotions is tough! It can be easy to let that build resentment too, because not knowing how to deal with your emotions can have a lot to do with not knowing how to set healthy boundaries.
"You seem to do this more often than I can handle" is one that I really want to manage to implement in my own speech. I feel it communicates much better, but in the moment the "you always" jumps up out of my mouth and I find myself correcting myself "no, not always that was a bit harsh. But a lot" And then the bitter taste is taken away a bit, but still leaves a mark. Better if I can manage to say the phrase I started this comment with. I'm hoping I'll get there.
#2. I don't always have problems in relationships, but it would appear I have problems with them ending. And it is probably because I didn't set better boundaries in the beginning.
You fight, you see the problem, you solve the problem and everything is normal. This is how it should be, if you can't live without each other. You are not the problem, the problem is the problem.
It's mostly about patterns and accountability. The first red flag is when people paint most or all of their exes, former friends, or former associates as the villain and they're always the victim. Some people are sneaky about this, too. At first they say the former partner/friend/colleague is "a good person, BUT..." then paint themselves as the villain who acted on something that the former partner did, that's also a danger sign. They're trying to condition you into thinking. "Oh, you're not so bad" so you'll try to prove that while they get away with misbehavior. And in the end, their actions will be all your fault because they did warn you, even if they were manipulative about it. Finally, another red flag is when a person constantly advertises how they're a) an empath b)who was often victimized by people around them. That's a guarantee you'll eventually become the victim in their narrative, if you don't enable them.
I painted my ex, a nice shade of blue it was one of those healing art classes but instead of water based i used concrete sealant, rated to last and last.... whoops
Yeah, but what if the other person did stuff that enabled your toxicity? How can you complain about the hurt of that relationship without doing it the way you explained it?
I am the one who has all the problems, I have been ghosted or the “let’s get dinner in 25 years from today because I am super busy(while making plans to go out with friends or parties), I will not cancel this time. I promise” 2:45 no intense conflict- no communication and everyone just smooths it over and makes dinner plans. I am the once in the never friend.
I also felt like I was doing all of these especially attachment and felt guilty until I learned that he love bombed me and we started to see each other once every three weeks or even a month and I understood that my attachement is real because I was being completely neglected and gaslit.
Just hurt a friend to the point it might not be salvageable. So I decided to watch TH-cam and this video popped up lol. I’m determined to work on myself and understand myself. If we can be friends again that will be great, but if not, I have to learn from it so it’s not in vain.
Just a little bit of acknowledgement can go a long way, I think. Just something as simple as 'oh I see your point...I might feel the same if that happened to me'...can literally save a relationship. And even make it strong. Sometimes things simpler than we make it out to be.
As complicated of a subject as this is; there are times I do feel like I'm the problem...but I think a lot of it could be subconscious in regard to my relationships with my peers and family members. In the past, I've had a lot of traumatic experiences...but I also believe I have been a spoiled brat (for lack of a better term). And I always try to be 1% better everyday, and 130% in regard to the genuine effort I give within my social circle. However, I have also been one to have never taken criticism well and often criticize myself over dumb and trivial occurances and I have the notion that everything has a cause and effect along with every action - there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Yesterday I was journaling and noticed that I wrote "always" and "never" a couple of times. I think I only noticed this time because of your videos. I am sure that I am the problem, I'm just having a hard time figuring out why, and your videos are helping me.
my current boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. over the past couple months things have gotten really bad. I have started losing my temper quickly and often and saying things I never thought I could say to someone. My last relationship was toxic but I never raised my voice with him, he was the yeller and I was submissive. But my current boyfriend is a passive aggressive submissive person. But I realize from this video is that my anger is from him never respecting my boundaries, never ever listening to me, and consistently arguing with me when I try to communicate my needs. And so I do have major resentment that is built up inside of me, and it's not going to get better, because he refuses to take me serious when I try to tell him how I feel. We just need to break up. He doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve this. It's not one of us is bad and the other is good. He's severely emotionally immature, but he's not a bad person. I've been so depressed lately thinking Im a terrible person for the way I yell at him, and wondering if this is how I am and how I'll be with the next person. But it's not, because I've never been this way to anyone before. I've never had people in my life who disrespect me and ignore my boundaries so consistently.
Can you talk about the coming out of victim-blamed to taking control of my story and boundaries? It is such a scary, new, confusing, anxious but empowering feeling. I guess what is a right and healthy direction to go from here that doesn't make me accidentally ruin my relationships? but just set boundaries when I confront someone/people about it and that I finally am ready to advocate for myself. I mean i can't control their reaction to it... but just what I can do in my position/my side?
This is important! I went into this from the perspective of currently trying to leave my toxic boss. It's been difficult dealing with his manipulation, and as a result of what I would call gaslighting, I've often I've caught myself unsure if it's me that's the terrible employee or if it's him that's the terrible boss. But knowing that he has a long history of people being made to feel terrible and quitting due to his treatment is certainly reassuring 😅
Hi Kati . I find that I can’t even get this far in my relationships. They all end after a few months or if they are friendships by situation (school, work), once those situations are gone, I get ghosted. I never pick arguments and I always act like myself. In one romantic relationship I wanted to discuss how we should talk about a few things, but they had already moved on and were secretly seeing other people and they took months to tell me or reveal to me that it was over. I’m unsure what I keep doing that makes people avoid and ghost me. If anything I avoid conflict as much as possible because I don’t want to ruin anything. But I don’t think it’s just bad luck, I’m the common factor.
I think I do have a laundry list sometimes, but it's more like... I don't really mind when they do those things, but then when they complain about me doing it, I always want to say that they do it as well! Maybe it's not very constructive... but in my relationship, I always feel like I'm the one being criticised, because I'm pretty laid back, and I don't really get annoyed by the other person at all, except for the fact they keep criticising me. I find it really hard to tell if I'm the problem or not, as I have never had another romantic relationship, and my friends and family are never critical of me.
She chased me for years and I kept telling her I’m not good in relationships, I change and have trust issues. Six years she chased me. Before we got together, I told her my issues, what triggers them, how to help not let the trust issues be a problem. Told her if she changes her mind or wants to break up yo just be honest and it would be fine. But I can not handle the silent treatment at all. Tell me u need some time. Anything you need but tell me. Don’t ghost. Guess what happened
I always think I'm the problem for everything that happens to me and everywhere i go i feel unloved by everyone. Everywhere i go people blame me for everything it's not just my parents. Everywhere i go i always get yelled at not just by my parents. Everytime i get in trouble my mom has always told me it's my fault I'm the problem I'm the one who did it she still does it to this day and her voice always plays in my head on loop...when i lash out i can't feel my emotions rising up but deep down i feel bad and rude and have a break down in the end and ask myself why I'm like this 💀 i literally feel like I'm drowning in my emotions
What about when the actual abuser causes reactionary abuse from the true victim These things get FLIPPED and it happens a lot OR when someone has a complete victim mentality you’ll of course look like the toxic one
I started this video knowing that I had a hand in my relationship issues and I was very afraid that I would learn that I’m the villain in the story. I pressed play anyway because I want the relationship to work. If I’m the villain, I need to know so I can change. I paused a few seconds in to watch the “things you should never say” video and found that I did maybe one or two. My spouse, on the other hand, checks basically every box. My inner voice makes sure to chime in “don’t pat yourself on the back yet. “Things you shouldn’t say” is just one part. There’s still an entire video to get through.” Well, now I have. And it went exactly the same: I exemplified one or two, my spouse hit them all…. I SHOULD feel vindicated but instead I feel hopeless and a bit envious of all of you who learned you were the problem. Because you know what to do to fix things and you have the power to do it….what the hell do I do though?
Thanks Kati! This validates both when I have been and am the problem as well as when the other person has been and is the problem. I can relate to these in myself and in the other person in various relationships.
Big fat finger at myself. I have long term friendships but we've had our ups and downs that could have ended where I just cut them off because I don't want to have those hard conversations.
I'm dealing with a question about still having those caregivers i.e. parents that may still be causing that inner pain that also affected me as a child. Do I cut them off? I've talked to them and they don't seem to change. I guess they acknowledge they only did what they thought was right. Now I have a child and I'm scared I'm affecting him the way they affected me.
@@Neptune_p_g Hi Alex! I can't help but I can relate and wanted to make sure to tell you that. I go no contact with mine when I feel I need it for my own sanity. My heart or the universe usually brings us back together...and most times, the cycle repeats. I'd like to cut out the estrangements but as you said, if they can't change to make this a positive relationship for us then...what else can we do?
I've noticed a pattern I do with my partner. It happens when I'm getting impatient with him. We've talked about it. Over time both of is have gotten better. He used to never express his emotions. Being around me where I talk about emotions very freely and calmly. I think it the past he was dealing with emotions in a negative way. Rather then talking. My Mother was very open and showed me and my sisters good ways to communicate. Sometimes I still have issues. No everyone always understands everything. If you don't understand your partner you should tell them.
To start this off I'd like to say it's really long and kinda a vent, also I may have bipolar disorder/borderline personally disorder, autism, and adhd, though I haven't been able to get a test due to my parents not listening. Also, every friendship/relationship I've really ever had has been strickly online. I also have really bad trust issues but I trust easily at the same time. It doesn't really make sense. It's kinda like I'll just have really really bad overthinking. I've finally come to realize that i have NEVER actually been the problem. I get attached to people really easily, so if my friend says that they like me and if i dont date them, they'll stop talking to me, I'll date them. This was one of my very first relationships, and I'd say I was probably 9 or 10 at the time. Now, I'm really only turning 13 soon, so it hasn't been very long. Btw, I'll really only talk about romantic relationships in this because most of the people I am friends with the longest are my exes, like my current best friend. The relationship with them, I'll call them fish, lasted the longest but I was still figuring out if I was straight, bi, or lesbian(I found out I'm actually lesbian), so when I finally realized I didn’t actually have feelings for f, I broke up with them because I felt bad for dating them even I really didn't have feelings for them. My next relationship was with a girl I'll call m. So we really didn’t have a very long relationship, and I was the only one giving before she just randomly blocked me, I still don't know the reason why. After that, the next most important relationship was with my last ex that I'm still friends with, and she broke up with me about a week ago. I'll call her J. So me and I gave and received a LOT. We'd be on call for 10 hours a day sometimes. It was overall a really healthy relationship, and so I gained a huge attachment. Though, she did what absolutely everyone else did who I was in a serious relationship with, which was tell me she'd never leave me. Though she never said it in a toxic kind of way, it was more so of like, "You're the kindest person I've ever met and I never want to lose you" kind of way. This was also at a time when I finally started realizing that I'm way nicer than most other people and I'm basically the embodiment of the therapist friend (but I don't even try and ask to vent or for help/advise for my problems). Like, just yesterday one of my friends I don't talk to much texted me telling me they did something really bad and sent me a picture of their fresh sh cuts, so I instructed them on what to do and helped them clean them. But back to J. She has divorced parents, and her dad has committed child neglection and verbal abuse. She has tried to run away a couple of times and is about to again soon. She broke up with me because she needed to focus on her mental health, and she said it was just difficult having an online relationship. Multiple times through the relationship, she said she loved me a lot, in a way, saying, "i never want to break up with you." I noticed that I have horrible mental health, anxiety, and most likely depression, but when im dating people, all my problems genuinely disappear. I even start doing better in school a lot of the time because of the people im dating. But the absolute cherry on top for me is that she told me she's planning on running away with someone she likes. I immediately had a mental breakdown of somekind and had to calm myself down as fast as possible so i wouldn't hurt myself or break anything. All I need is someone to care for me and someone I can care for back. Is that so much to ask for? Just someone I can look forward to talking to every day. Someone who I'll work twice as hard for to finish things just so I can talk to them. If anyone feels the same or if you have questions, you can talk to me and ask. And if you've got any advice, I'll take what I can get. I hope you have an amazing day/night/noon/afternoon, and thank you for reading the whole thing if you did :]
2:01 I outgrew these friends and plus the manipulation of the narcissist? Made me isolate myself and question everyone but there was no formal arguments with any of these old friends. I started thinking am I the narc? It’s all so confusing
Thank you Holy moly this was so helpful I've actually started seeing everyone as their inner child lately so I can stop judging others. Even the worst ppl were tiny sweet babies until something happened 😢❤
i'm constantly getting ghosted i don't think any relationship ever ended in a fight they just stop reacting to me / my existance so of course, i have severe attachment issues the only common thing in those relationships is me i dont know. is it healthier to say "okay i'm the problem, gonna isolate me even more and work even more on me" or is it healthier to say "i didn't meet a single healthy person for all of my life and i should put even more energy in finding new people"? or should i stop accepting the ghosting and stalk them as long as they need to tell me why they vanished?... well okay, don't have the time for that. basically noone has ever criticized me for my behaviour, they just vanished.
Been watching your videos past 3 years now. Topics always so relevant to my life. Currently in a new relationship with a lovely man but I tend to self-sabotage. Was cheated on 20 years ago and only just started to feel love again. Thanks for always being that kind voice of support.
I’m ALWAYS the one getting dumped in relationships or if we’ve been dating for a brief time, even had friends end friendships with me recently. I’m definitely the problem and it hurts because I don’t know why I’m so easy to throw away like I don’t matter.
The problems started when started putting boundaries . And i verbalized over and over . I take a accountability. But none else does and they act like I'm crazy . My mental health is so bad that my family all my life looks at me like I'm the problem i don't understand i have given my life to them helping in any way the moment i start saying no or i won't be treated bad or called names then the your the problem really started in .
Hello Yes, I have problems with communication, all of my life. I have always had trouble reading which lead to my lack of confidence of word usage and articulation. I read at the speed of a third grader and my memory is an issue as well. I believe this also is some how tied to very little emotional intelligence. So yes, I believe that I am the problem in most of my relationships.
No one should ever feel that they are the problem but one thing it’s important to recognize is that there is a difference between responsibility and blaming themselves. The hardest thing is to admit when you are wrong but when you do I think it can be beautiful. Let’s face it no one is perfect but the more we recognize are imperfections the more attractive we become
This was so helpful Katy! I really love the way you list things out and put it on the screen, it makes following along and even taking some notes so easy! Great idea.
I know it's easy to see the problem with others, I know from my background I've had so much to work on. As children and adolescents we don't see it until we've lived it. Now I'm still struggling, knowing what I need to work on still. What a roller-coaster.
I wish that my wife were to be more aware of the triggers...because she doesnt seem to realize that words matter....she always makes minimizing remarks and then blames me when I get upset and ask what she really mean by them,,,,,
I recognise I am a problem too, I do many things mentioned in this video, though some of them I mask well (like the all or nothing attachment issues attitude, I know I don't want to leave and I don't want to ruin a relationship that is growing into something good, but I do have those intrusive thoughts at times. It's worse when we're together and I wake up next to him and I spiral into negativity, it did affect him in the past too tbh). If it wasn't for my partner helping me open up and encouraging me to give him feedback on how to do better, I'd just keep it to myself and grow resentful, because as much as I wished to tell him some things, I was afraid it'd also make him sad, or that I'd look selfish complaining about them. I guess we just both are trying to improve for each other.
Thank you Katie for sharing your knowledge, I know I am the problem yet still not able to fix it. Moved back home a while ago and that really opened insight to a lot of my issues. Especially in the attachment department. As for boundaries, when family talk/scream bad things at me I am not allowed to go "you stay and listen" while they scream their things and slam the door and leave. How can I de-escalate things like this? Curiosity doesn't work with any of them, well maybe one but on rare occasions. My contact person at psychiatry shays I should move out but I'm worried there will be neglect to our newest family member whom already has developed traits of anxiety and confusion. We got some "stuffers" that keep their feelings in and then latch out on me or him when their cups are full. Yes I'm clumsy when expressing feelings or observations and that probably worsens our toxic family dynamic. I'm the only one that's been to therapy, a sibling acknowledges their issues yet parents and other relatives don't. Being quiet doesn't work, speaking modestly doesn't work, being blunt definitely don't work but that is seemingly my nature. I prefer to be honest especially nowadays (had an era where I lied without consideration), yet I am to tired or perhaps confused to express myself clear without stepping on any toes. Tbh, it is like my existence bothers people, what am I to do about that? I know I can be annoying but having people screaming shut up and being mad, negative or stepping over boundaries is draining. They consider all form as feedback as complaining and they don't absorb positive feedback, only sees negative as nagging. What to do? Considered suicide at many points in life but I have a fighter spirit so must I be here for some reason. Feeling I got so much inside that never gets properly expressed or done, at most misunderstood or never initiated. Not playing the victim card but I am really tired of the ignorance, sadness and anger most of us holds. Sorry for long text, any tips on how to be direct and clear without overusing language? God bless you all!
If you are at all able to move out, please do that! You don’t have the power to help people who only use you to blame their problems on. You are NOT responsible for anyone else’s reactions, only your own.
#4 is a big one for me. Growing up with a Korean war vet who dealt with his combat PTSD with alcohol has left me with issues I still have not been able to deal with. Someone walking down the hallway to the room I'm in, even if its my daughter, can trigger a response in me that I have to hide myself. Or I become so scared that I can't stop shaking. In these cases I go to bed and sleep it off. If I sleep well that I'm over it for the time being.
I feel like sometimes I get angry quickly about nonsense, but in that moment, it is is impossible for me to notice or regulate. I feel bad afterwards but then the damage is done. I feel like I have no control about my mood? It's hard to explain.
Boundaries are difficult because it means letting go of people who you care about, or at least radically adjusting what the relationship is. I don't mean to be a victim, but it's been kinda sad how badly men have treated me sometimes. I don't know what to do except hold my boundaries and self love and walk away. Just so much triangulation and cruelty...unprovoked. I just keep praying and remembering that the Holy Spirit is inside of my heart. It's still really sad.
Aww I'm sorry that you are in suffering right now. Definitely praying for you for it to get better. Mental health access definitely needs to get better all over the world. I don't know if you are open to this but this is something that is comforting for me. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 and Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' God bless you friend and look after yourself ❤
Pretty cool, reinforces that my ending the few friendships & my marriage was the functional thing to do. Didn't see the big picture until after I left & had good therapy to gain good skills to be able to understand the emotions those people created in me
My problem is Being the receiving part of the boundaries setting is bad, like I'm not even worthy of an explanation if something I did was hurting or bad received and I have to understand what I did wrong. Don't I should receive an explanation? Just one side shutting down? I don't understand this boundaries setting sometimes
I wonder what you mean by explanation. I agree that it doesn't feel good to be told "don't do that", but it's reasonable, and the explanation is "that person doesn't like that." And then I try not to do that anymore. But I agree that it's unfair when someone is too shy to say "I don't like that" and then instead of saying it just stops hanging out. That's very emotionally immature.
Thanks Kati. This one hit hard for me, but is making me accepting some uncomfortable truths about myself. Now I need to work on changing them so I can find and hopefully keep my dream girl.
Need to find one that proves she can do the same though or you go from being the problem to her being the problem while being told you are the problem. Don't let the woman put all blame on you... many tend to do that. Usually there are two problems in a relationship because there are two flawed humans trying to build a life.
Ouch…definitely emotional, boundary, and attachment issues!! I have a hard time knowing when to work on me, or when to stand up for myself. I think I have authority issues because my mother was narcissistic and abusive in every way except sexually and I have a dichotomous response to authority. Either I become defensive or I have a hard time speaking up for myself…I don’t know how to find the middle. And I guess sometimes I have communication issues too…ugh.
How come I am able to communicate well with some people, while with others I feel that stonewall blocking me and making me not want to communicate with them. It happens mostly with "authority" figures, meaning people that are above me at work that we don't have a good relationship or family (parents, older siblings). I am really perplexed by this behaviour of mine, as I have found my self repeatedly in these kinds of situations where authority figures exhibit a bossy behaviour and then try to make amends and I end up behaving poorly because I don't want to have to do anything with them. Thus, this affects my work, my life and how I feel about my self in general.
My relationships usually end with me being like "DON'T LEAVE ME!!!" and me trying everything to hold onto the relationship from contacting their friends, their brother, calling them from a different phone number, etc. It usually ends with them blocking me on everything. But yeah, it's really hard for me to go from "single" to "not single" or "in a relationship" and in general I would rather be "not single" or "in a relationship" than single. In general I always put a lot of effort into trying to get into or be in a relationship. Eventually (like a little after turning 29) I just gave up and married myself. My Facebook relationship status says "married".
Thank you for sharing this video on the 6 signs that you might be the problem in your relationships. It's important to reflect on our own behavior and take responsibility for our actions, especially when it comes to our interactions with others. It can be difficult to admit when we are at fault, but by recognizing these signs and making changes, we can improve our relationships and become better versions of ourselves. The tips and insights provided in this video can help us become more self-aware and mindful of our behavior, ultimately leading to healthier and more fulfilling relation.
Hello There! Great video. For some time now, I have been doing research and learning how to become a better friend. I try my best to be respectful, and kind and apologize if I hurt anyone. It becomes very difficult when I reach out and check to see how my friends are doing and they just stop talking to me altogether. After a while, the "friendship" becomes very one-sided.
I've never been in a relationship and I know that it's my fault primarily for not choosing good potential partners and for misunderstanding and poorly communicating intentions
I would definitely be the problem. I have only been watching your videos for about 2 weeks now and I am attached. Been attached since watching the first few videos. I have BPD can't you tell. I am used to a therapist with a very psychodynamic way of working. It has been refreshing to see the world from your perspective. Already bought your trauma book and DBT workbook. I am 69 and still have major attachment issues.
My problem is that I feel like I objectively really have my life together (good mental and physical health, good job that I like, financially secure, etc), and I have had a very hard time finding a woman who is functioning on the same level. Most don't seem to even want to improve or grow or work on themselves at all... It's been very discouraging.
I was the 50% of the problem, the remaining half was my ex-wife. I find this video helpful….and dangerous at the same time…It’s just a contribution I want to give because I think most of the time some unhealthy attitude/behaviour occur on both sides of the relationship. It’s crucial to find a good therapist AND psychiatrist. It may sound a blunt comment but I really mean only good.
Liz Taylor was married 8 times. I don't need to know anything else to know where the problem lies. If we keep repeating the same adverse event, it's time to look inward to see if we are doing something. However, it's also important to realize abusers will blame the victim and get the victim to believe that it is indeed the victim's fault. So blaming ourselves is not THE cause, but admitting it may be A cause is the first road to changing the cycle.
Hmmm. Maybe but also being both rich and very attractive can attract men who care about nothing else, & pretend to be great guys till after they are married.
I've started just avoiding people. I'm 67 years old. I've been in therapy off and on since 1974. I assume people won't like me, so I go out of my way to compliment them and "loan" (give) them money. It doesn't seem to matter. I give up. I can read books and watch TV alone.
If I can offer my opinion, maybe starting off under the assumption that you won’t be liked is a problem that can lead to a self fulfilling prophecy. So then you have a hard time being yourself.
As and AuDHD woman I definitely have communication difficulties. Most of it comes from my boundaries being not expressed because I always thought of them as just decent person things. Like a decent person does not do those things, therefore why would I tell them what will happen if they do? I struggle with my black and white thinking making me believe their actions that cross my boundaries make them a bad person that needs cut out of my life. To be honest, sometimes I do not want to change because my reactions have served me well but I know that judging people as harshly as I do is not normal either.
Thanks Kati! Your workshop with boundaries has been so helpful.
Yay! I am so glad :) xoxo
*Appreciate your comment 🤞send me a direct msg~got some special for you🎉
Hi it's me "solution"....Am I late? Lmao
😂😂😂😂😂
@@Katimortonhow can I sign up for this workshop please?
Takes an enormous amount of courage to admit to yourself that even if they obviously did hurt you, you also were a problem.
I love this cause it's true. Everytime I think back to my past relationships - I see how both of us were just triggering eachother . Ik it was them aswell as it was me
I remember a line from Justified: "If you meet an asshole in the morning, you've met an asshole. If you meet assholes all day, you're the asshole."
1. Notice your relationships
2. How do you start, improve and end your relationships?
3. Healthy communication difficulties : YOU always and never statement
4. Attachment issues: insecure, avoidant, disorganized
5. Repeated patterns , and not changing your behavior and reaction
How to be better?
- emotional regulation
- inner child work
Hello, it’s me. I’m the problem. It’s me.
Hello, the problem. I’m dad. Sometimes I’m the problem senior.
haha! Right?!?
A fly in the ointment a monkey in the wrench Hans
At teatime, everybody agrees
COMPLETELY THIS
I've lived it in 2 marriages, but the good thing is I've learned from my mistakes and lived 10 years alone and worked on myself. Now, 6 years in my 3rd marriage, I think I've got it.
Thank you for helping us...
Yay! So glad you were able to work on yourself and give it another chance!! And of course :) Always happy to help! xoxo
Never married, but spent the last decade romantically isolating. I tried dating someone recently, but became irrationally limerent trying to make the wrong person the right person, and eventually broke my own heart realizing they weren't a match for me. The good news is that I feel more aware of the limerence and what I want out of a partner. And I started EMDR and started cleaning up my own act a bit. The good parts of the dating were really good, but the bad part was toxic enough that I knew it would be a horribly dissatisfying long-term thing.
3rd time's the charm.
As Autistic'ADHD and possibly BPD due to past trauma, communication and setting boundaries is very difficult and being in a relationship never lasts more than a year.
I used to be shamed for setting boundaries and asking for help ( shamed for crying too )
i was about to talk about autism ! i think we shouldn't take this video as a Truth and bring nuances. like the "childish behaviors", communication struggles and all. you MIGHT be the problem wouldv'e been a better tittle for this video
❤
Felt
❤ I can totally relate 😢
You were able to write a cliff notes version of my mental struggles & dating life that fit into 2 damn sentences.
I think one thing that most people lack is the ability to take accountability for their actions.
Taking accountability for your actions and admitting you were wrong, and understanding why you were wrong is something everyone needs to work on.
The tricky part is admitting to ourselves that we are "the problem" (usually it is more than one cause) without guilt shaming ourselves. Especially if you have a religious upbringing, where guilt is a major topic, this can create a spiral towards self destructive thoughts. I guess it is important not to be judgemental about ourselves as well as about others.
Couldn't agree more Christoph!! It's admitting our own role and working to improve that without blaming or shaming.. we all have things we need to work on :) xoxo
This is unfortunately where I am. Being neurodivergent (not diagnosed so not sure specifically what type) and being raised by a somewhat narcissistic and highly religious mother, I've had to develope a significant amount of mindfulness and self awareness. This is a double edged sword as I am knowledgeable of my mistakes, but severely criticize myself over every little mistake. It is so innate in me that it is Instinct. I was labeled as "broken" early on in life, and it's hard to find positives in life... to the point where often the thought "why do I even try" surfaces whenever faced with the slightest mistake or weakness I perceive in my own character...
[insert a segment how sometimes God dynamics would be called narcissistics if same behavior was taken by humans]
You are much more likely to be self destructive without any moral compass and if you fall into the judeo masonic new age religion which is promoted by most psychologists. Yoga, meditation , self worship are all destructive to your soul
i can be toxic too but in my experience the real issue are the people i’ve let into my life
I feel this is my issue too, in retrospect ... I am easily love bombed bc I am so insecure and think no one likes me. Narcissists love me :/
I suffer from CPTSD and this was exactly the case for me. I was everything in the video but what I can say is that because of my CPTSD, it was like my 'alarm bell' for who to let in and who not to was just broken. I'd get with women but low-key really dislike them and they low-key wouldn't really like me. Years ago I'd have felt ashamed for saying that, but good lord, since the Pandemic, the number of conversations I've had with friends and family admitting to doing exactly the same. We really are coming to grips with a deep understanding of trauma and abuse these days.
Literally the problem in every way, in every relationship. I've recently become aware of essentially being a 10yo trapped in a man's body, so now I'm trying to figure out how to establish my first healthy relationship. It's scary to try because it's just so damn embarrassing to admit this to people, but it'll be worth it. Thanks for the info 🙏
You're not the only one... we are all just children in adult bodies, until we start to take responsibility for the things we do wrong.. instead of blaming everyone else. I was stuck in my teens for a decade and a half lol
Most of the problematic relationships I formed were before I learned that I had boundary issues. It’s interesting to see how they are dissolving one by one, but thank god for boundaries.
I don't have a problem with boundaries. I have low expectations for how people show up in my life. I was neglected. I believe a relationship with me is a burden and that showing emotion (esp anger) or emotional neediness will send people who are only tentatively interested running. I think I am the problem but setting boundaries doesn't work when no one is engaging at all. I sometimes wish someone cared enough to yell at me.
I hear you on that
Till you have someone in your life that will yell at you. LOL That person becomes the labeled "narcissist" in your life. TRUTH.
@@lorireed8046 I don't think I would actually enjoy it. Narcissists come in both abusive and neglectful flavors.
@@amys0482 The point is too many people are labeling everyone as a Narcissist. Especially truth tellers. Have you ever been into the comments section of all these "narc abuse" videos? It's absolutely a toxic area. Trying to point out facts there will get you called names and hundreds of people screaming. LOL. Fact is less than 1% are Narcissistic, 74% of them are males. Yet? EVERYONE'S MOM is a "true narc". Therapists have been brainwashing the young since forever ! They are throwing pills out like candy and having people believe their "feels" and "their truths" is all that matters. Facts aren't allowed and everyone needs to cater to the weak. It's just as sick as the emotional damage this same mental health field did when they (on purpose) didn't allow one control group of children to have any human touch or when they used children like caged animals/ a sideshow. They've torn apart families and twins. Mutilated the very brain they want to examine. History proves these people aren't your friend nor are they here to help you. They have only destroyed. Every single time! Facts!!
I relate to 90% of this but I don't wanna be yelled at lol
Maybe you’re not actually the problem and you’re just in a toxic relationship or friendship. Watch the 10 signs of a toxic friendship or relationship here: th-cam.com/video/JLH0RbMcHOg/w-d-xo.html
Kati Morton. I have always had my friendship and relationships end with arguments and fights also disappointment and disagreement s iv never ended any of my friendships or relationships as they have always left and abandoned me left me with sadness and hurt with a broken heart that's why I'm so lonely now I'm still trying to find myself and get back my feelings and trust in finding and getting into new friendships and relationships thanks Kati ❤❤
None of my previous relationships were like this one and each ended differently and for diffrent reasons. This one is the one who brought up all my traumas and I am working on myself in the last 2 years but I still can’t handle myself or the situation. I will watch more of your videos as I’m about to break up and I’m scared if is the right thing due to my traumas? Thanks
I just found out I’m not the problem when I was absolutely sure I was. I’m just gonna go cry a bit now..
I have a hard tirme telling whether I'm the problem or others are. I mean, I know "I am the problem" in ways like, I have anxiety, trauma, and have a fairly toxic family that historically has refused to get help or acknowledge their shortcomings or wrong doings and that has made things more complicated for me to even understand what is "healthy" or "normal". I know my mental and developmental issues complicate things, and that things like being "triggered" are a "me" problem. But....ok, I left my mother's house because of how toxic it got living with her (wasn't allowed to have feelings, she'd get mad at me for being disabled and having a "victim" mentality, when I was actively dealing w/"victim" problems, and never was willing to budge to meet both our needs. I lived in a shelter for over a year until they got a new contract that required them to kick out all long term residents, including me, and I had found no housing. So I had to move back with my mom. I've been trying to be what she expects of me, and to create a "persona", kind of like a work persona, in order to do the things that make her feel comfortable and not sour on me. But some things are out of my control, and when big triggers happen or her "nice" face slips (I did not contact her as much as possible while I was in the shelter because of how bad our relationship got - so I feel like she's in a "honeymoon" phase because she has me back now), I slip into a fugue state - just major trauma and the only way I know how to handle it is to leave, like, just leave, even though there is nowhere to go.
So I can't tell - I know it's "ME" in the fact that it's my trauma and the healing I tried to do did not revolve around me being able to survive living w/family again, but to heal from the dysfunction of living under their paradigms, and I do not have a good skillset on how to handle all the things I left behind because i couldn't find a way to heal those issues w/my family w/them, but without things really descending into how bad they were when I left, I wonder, am I the issue? Have I always been the issue? Did I make those things up (no, I did not make the bad things up, btw - I remember how bad it was, and I wasn't wrong. I just FEEL like maybe I made it up because it isn't quite visible yet, and I always eternally hope and believe that people can change)? And what if they did magically heal all their problems, without therapy, and now i really am the only problem?
Never been good at telling these things. I just feel like, now that I can't ever live outside my family's beliefs, that everything is a "me" problem and i'm immature and incapable and stupid and....idk....
I have BPD and I know I am the problem. I´ve had so much therapy, but at some point relationships just started to get so exhausting I found myself more and more self-reliant. I used to have many toxic friendships in the past where I had no boundaries and people just walked over me or I had these weird delusions where I believed we are closer than we actually were. Many people I believed to be my closest friends slow faded me or didn´t show up when I was going through really dark times. And I know it´s my fault for choosing people who were just not interested in a deeper relationship, or needed someone to use for a constant supply of emotional support. I am 25 and I am just so tired of this cycle that I don´t know how to overcome because I am just delusional about so many things...it´s like trying to cross a busy road when you´re blind and there is no one to help you.
Do you had “good” therapist? I had 4 and only the last one got and understood me and I never grew so much as in this therapeutic relationship.
you sound like an infj...
(more specifically the infj-t type)
(by the way, found this out about myself when i was as old as you)
You're 25 and already figuring out this stuff. Be kind to yourself and keep forging ahead, work on yourself and enjoy the beautiful life that awaits you
@@Kampfrattex3 I had 6 therapists, and there was one that really helped me, but she couldn´t keep me in her practice because there was a rule you cannot keep patients who you work with in DBT. After DBT ended, I had to say goodbye to her. I think I am at the point I need a break from therapy, because I´ve been doing it fo 6 years and it took a tool on me. It helped very much of course, but at the same time, it left me with little energy to focus on anything else than my mental health. I would really like to start living a normal life and just get a proper job, my own place and stop reminding myself how traumatized I am every week in therapy.
@@derda1304 I did the test and I am enfj, but I don´t think it has much to do with my life situation...at least not as much as my BPD.
3:32 - "... but the boundary is actually what we do when they do 'that thing' ..." I realize that this, for some, is probably so obvious, but I've been in therapy for part of 2022, and all of 2023 (diff therapist this year), and I've never heard this explained so succinctly, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. This will help me so much in my work!
You really never know where you'll pick up a wisdom nugget ... thank you, Kati.
Taking a look at ourselves is hard and this video was so enlightening you made it easy to get some idea's for self improvement and healing. I had a lot of bad friendships/relationships and finally met a man i am seeing now. I didnt trust him at first, i was blah blah blah and then one day i decided to grow up and stop blaming him for my shitty past. He was more than patient and put up with me. I now am journaling, accepting my past and moving forward learning to be my own best friend first. I am more relaxed, happier and letting go. We are still together and he is so happy with me now. Bravo for a well done look into "who dunnit it" perspective.
Difficulty with emotions is tough! It can be easy to let that build resentment too, because not knowing how to deal with your emotions can have a lot to do with not knowing how to set healthy boundaries.
u nailed the video lol
"You seem to do this more often than I can handle" is one that I really want to manage to implement in my own speech.
I feel it communicates much better, but in the moment the "you always" jumps up out of my mouth and I find myself correcting myself "no, not always that was a bit harsh. But a lot"
And then the bitter taste is taken away a bit, but still leaves a mark.
Better if I can manage to say the phrase I started this comment with.
I'm hoping I'll get there.
I love this! 🎉
Yea we all have to learn to use our words wisely... so hard in the heat of a moment though.
#2. I don't always have problems in relationships, but it would appear I have problems with them ending. And it is probably because I didn't set better boundaries in the beginning.
I have a hard time believing people have good intentions. I’ve been cheated on too many times. Now I think no one is true to their word
You fight, you see the problem, you solve the problem and everything is normal. This is how it should be, if you can't live without each other. You are not the problem, the problem is the problem.
It's mostly about patterns and accountability.
The first red flag is when people paint most or all of their exes, former friends, or former associates as the villain and they're always the victim.
Some people are sneaky about this, too. At first they say the former partner/friend/colleague is "a good person, BUT..." then paint themselves as the villain who acted on something that the former partner did, that's also a danger sign. They're trying to condition you into thinking. "Oh, you're not so bad" so you'll try to prove that while they get away with misbehavior. And in the end, their actions will be all your fault because they did warn you, even if they were manipulative about it.
Finally, another red flag is when a person constantly advertises how they're a) an empath b)who was often victimized by people around them. That's a guarantee you'll eventually become the victim in their narrative, if you don't enable them.
I painted my ex, a nice shade of blue it was one of those healing art classes but instead of water based i used concrete sealant, rated to last and last.... whoops
Yeah, but what if the other person did stuff that enabled your toxicity? How can you complain about the hurt of that relationship without doing it the way you explained it?
No, we all have problems
You are not to blame.
Hi, I think something I also do is that I isolate myself because I don't want to be around people who might hurt me.
I am the one who has all the problems, I have been ghosted or the “let’s get dinner in 25 years from today because I am super busy(while making plans to go out with friends or parties), I will not cancel this time. I promise”
2:45 no intense conflict- no communication and everyone just smooths it over and makes dinner plans. I am the once in the never friend.
I also felt like I was doing all of these especially attachment and felt guilty until I learned that he love bombed me and we started to see each other once every three weeks or even a month and I understood that my attachement is real because I was being completely neglected and gaslit.
Just hurt a friend to the point it might not be salvageable. So I decided to watch TH-cam and this video popped up lol. I’m determined to work on myself and understand myself. If we can be friends again that will be great, but if not, I have to learn from it so it’s not in vain.
Just a little bit of acknowledgement can go a long way, I think. Just something as simple as 'oh I see your point...I might feel the same if that happened to me'...can literally save a relationship. And even make it strong. Sometimes things simpler than we make it out to be.
As complicated of a subject as this is; there are times I do feel like I'm the problem...but I think a lot of it could be subconscious in regard to my relationships with my peers and family members. In the past, I've had a lot of traumatic experiences...but I also believe I have been a spoiled brat (for lack of a better term). And I always try to be 1% better everyday, and 130% in regard to the genuine effort I give within my social circle. However, I have also been one to have never taken criticism well and often criticize myself over dumb and trivial occurances and I have the notion that everything has a cause and effect along with every action - there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Listen to her guys. I'm in thearpy for 1,5 years now and it has helped me soooo much.
Thank you Kati for your awesome work
I am so glad therapy has been so helpful!! xoxo And of course! Happy to help :) xoxo
Yesterday I was journaling and noticed that I wrote "always" and "never" a couple of times. I think I only noticed this time because of your videos.
I am sure that I am the problem, I'm just having a hard time figuring out why, and your videos are helping me.
No relationship, no problem!
Truest statement
So funny keep seeing comment like these so why are you watching this
👌👌
my current boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. over the past couple months things have gotten really bad. I have started losing my temper quickly and often and saying things I never thought I could say to someone. My last relationship was toxic but I never raised my voice with him, he was the yeller and I was submissive. But my current boyfriend is a passive aggressive submissive person. But I realize from this video is that my anger is from him never respecting my boundaries, never ever listening to me, and consistently arguing with me when I try to communicate my needs. And so I do have major resentment that is built up inside of me, and it's not going to get better, because he refuses to take me serious when I try to tell him how I feel. We just need to break up. He doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve this. It's not one of us is bad and the other is good. He's severely emotionally immature, but he's not a bad person. I've been so depressed lately thinking Im a terrible person for the way I yell at him, and wondering if this is how I am and how I'll be with the next person. But it's not, because I've never been this way to anyone before. I've never had people in my life who disrespect me and ignore my boundaries so consistently.
Can you talk about the coming out of victim-blamed to taking control of my story and boundaries? It is such a scary, new, confusing, anxious but empowering feeling. I guess what is a right and healthy direction to go from here that doesn't make me accidentally ruin my relationships? but just set boundaries when I confront someone/people about it and that I finally am ready to advocate for myself. I mean i can't control their reaction to it... but just what I can do in my position/my side?
THIS!! 1000% THIS!
This is important! I went into this from the perspective of currently trying to leave my toxic boss. It's been difficult dealing with his manipulation, and as a result of what I would call gaslighting, I've often I've caught myself unsure if it's me that's the terrible employee or if it's him that's the terrible boss. But knowing that he has a long history of people being made to feel terrible and quitting due to his treatment is certainly reassuring 😅
The fact that this feels like a personal attack tells me I really needed to hear this video.
Hi Kati . I find that I can’t even get this far in my relationships. They all end after a few months or if they are friendships by situation (school, work), once those situations are gone, I get ghosted. I never pick arguments and I always act like myself. In one romantic relationship I wanted to discuss how we should talk about a few things, but they had already moved on and were secretly seeing other people and they took months to tell me or reveal to me that it was over. I’m unsure what I keep doing that makes people avoid and ghost me. If anything I avoid conflict as much as possible because I don’t want to ruin anything. But I don’t think it’s just bad luck, I’m the common factor.
I think I do have a laundry list sometimes, but it's more like... I don't really mind when they do those things, but then when they complain about me doing it, I always want to say that they do it as well! Maybe it's not very constructive... but in my relationship, I always feel like I'm the one being criticised, because I'm pretty laid back, and I don't really get annoyed by the other person at all, except for the fact they keep criticising me. I find it really hard to tell if I'm the problem or not, as I have never had another romantic relationship, and my friends and family are never critical of me.
She chased me for years and I kept telling her I’m not good in relationships, I change and have trust issues. Six years she chased me. Before we got together, I told her my issues, what triggers them, how to help not let the trust issues be a problem. Told her if she changes her mind or wants to break up yo just be honest and it would be fine. But I can not handle the silent treatment at all. Tell me u need some time. Anything you need but tell me. Don’t ghost. Guess what happened
I always think I'm the problem for everything that happens to me and everywhere i go i feel unloved by everyone. Everywhere i go people blame me for everything it's not just my parents. Everywhere i go i always get yelled at not just by my parents. Everytime i get in trouble my mom has always told me it's my fault I'm the problem I'm the one who did it she still does it to this day and her voice always plays in my head on loop...when i lash out i can't feel my emotions rising up but deep down i feel bad and rude and have a break down in the end and ask myself why I'm like this 💀 i literally feel like I'm drowning in my emotions
What about when the actual abuser causes reactionary abuse from the true victim
These things get FLIPPED and it happens a lot OR when someone has a complete victim mentality you’ll of course look like the toxic one
Yes, exactly. And often this is the intended outcome.
I started this video knowing that I had a hand in my relationship issues and I was very afraid that I would learn that I’m the villain in the story. I pressed play anyway because I want the relationship to work. If I’m the villain, I need to know so I can change. I paused a few seconds in to watch the “things you should never say” video and found that I did maybe one or two. My spouse, on the other hand, checks basically every box. My inner voice makes sure to chime in “don’t pat yourself on the back yet. “Things you shouldn’t say” is just one part. There’s still an entire video to get through.”
Well, now I have. And it went exactly the same: I exemplified one or two, my spouse hit them all….
I SHOULD feel vindicated but instead I feel hopeless and a bit envious of all of you who learned you were the problem. Because you know what to do to fix things and you have the power to do it….what the hell do I do though?
Fix yourself, the rest will become clear.
Talk your spouse into going to therapy
@@zohraabbiss2738 self first, then spouse/relationship
Thanks Kati! This validates both when I have been and am the problem as well as when the other person has been and is the problem. I can relate to these in myself and in the other person in various relationships.
Big fat finger at myself. I have long term friendships but we've had our ups and downs that could have ended where I just cut them off because I don't want to have those hard conversations.
I'm dealing with a question about still having those caregivers i.e. parents that may still be causing that inner pain that also affected me as a child. Do I cut them off? I've talked to them and they don't seem to change. I guess they acknowledge they only did what they thought was right. Now I have a child and I'm scared I'm affecting him the way they affected me.
@@Neptune_p_g Hi Alex! I can't help but I can relate and wanted to make sure to tell you that. I go no contact with mine when I feel I need it for my own sanity. My heart or the universe usually brings us back together...and most times, the cycle repeats.
I'd like to cut out the estrangements but as you said, if they can't change to make this a positive relationship for us then...what else can we do?
I've noticed a pattern I do with my partner. It happens when I'm getting impatient with him. We've talked about it. Over time both of is have gotten better. He used to never express his emotions. Being around me where I talk about emotions very freely and calmly. I think it the past he was dealing with emotions in a negative way. Rather then talking. My Mother was very open and showed me and my sisters good ways to communicate. Sometimes I still have issues. No everyone always understands everything. If you don't understand your partner you should tell them.
To start this off I'd like to say it's really long and kinda a vent, also I may have bipolar disorder/borderline personally disorder, autism, and adhd, though I haven't been able to get a test due to my parents not listening. Also, every friendship/relationship I've really ever had has been strickly online. I also have really bad trust issues but I trust easily at the same time. It doesn't really make sense. It's kinda like I'll just have really really bad overthinking.
I've finally come to realize that i have NEVER actually been the problem. I get attached to people really easily, so if my friend says that they like me and if i dont date them, they'll stop talking to me, I'll date them. This was one of my very first relationships, and I'd say I was probably 9 or 10 at the time. Now, I'm really only turning 13 soon, so it hasn't been very long. Btw, I'll really only talk about romantic relationships in this because most of the people I am friends with the longest are my exes, like my current best friend. The relationship with them, I'll call them fish, lasted the longest but I was still figuring out if I was straight, bi, or lesbian(I found out I'm actually lesbian), so when I finally realized I didn’t actually have feelings for f, I broke up with them because I felt bad for dating them even I really didn't have feelings for them. My next relationship was with a girl I'll call m. So we really didn’t have a very long relationship, and I was the only one giving before she just randomly blocked me, I still don't know the reason why. After that, the next most important relationship was with my last ex that I'm still friends with, and she broke up with me about a week ago. I'll call her J. So me and I gave and received a LOT. We'd be on call for 10 hours a day sometimes. It was overall a really healthy relationship, and so I gained a huge attachment. Though, she did what absolutely everyone else did who I was in a serious relationship with, which was tell me she'd never leave me. Though she never said it in a toxic kind of way, it was more so of like, "You're the kindest person I've ever met and I never want to lose you" kind of way. This was also at a time when I finally started realizing that I'm way nicer than most other people and I'm basically the embodiment of the therapist friend (but I don't even try and ask to vent or for help/advise for my problems). Like, just yesterday one of my friends I don't talk to much texted me telling me they did something really bad and sent me a picture of their fresh sh cuts, so I instructed them on what to do and helped them clean them. But back to J. She has divorced parents, and her dad has committed child neglection and verbal abuse. She has tried to run away a couple of times and is about to again soon. She broke up with me because she needed to focus on her mental health, and she said it was just difficult having an online relationship. Multiple times through the relationship, she said she loved me a lot, in a way, saying, "i never want to break up with you." I noticed that I have horrible mental health, anxiety, and most likely depression, but when im dating people, all my problems genuinely disappear. I even start doing better in school a lot of the time because of the people im dating. But the absolute cherry on top for me is that she told me she's planning on running away with someone she likes. I immediately had a mental breakdown of somekind and had to calm myself down as fast as possible so i wouldn't hurt myself or break anything.
All I need is someone to care for me and someone I can care for back. Is that so much to ask for? Just someone I can look forward to talking to every day. Someone who I'll work twice as hard for to finish things just so I can talk to them. If anyone feels the same or if you have questions, you can talk to me and ask. And if you've got any advice, I'll take what I can get.
I hope you have an amazing day/night/noon/afternoon, and thank you for reading the whole thing if you did :]
2:01 I outgrew these friends and plus the manipulation of the narcissist? Made me isolate myself and question everyone but there was no formal arguments with any of these old friends. I started thinking am I the narc? It’s all so confusing
Thank you Holy moly this was so helpful I've actually started seeing everyone as their inner child lately so I can stop judging others. Even the worst ppl were tiny sweet babies until something happened 😢❤
1. There are problems…..yes there are problems in every relationship
My advice is keep your toxic friends and just distance yourself when you need your peace, because being lonely sucks
i'm constantly getting ghosted
i don't think any relationship ever ended in a fight
they just stop reacting to me / my existance
so of course, i have severe attachment issues
the only common thing in those relationships is me
i dont know. is it healthier to say "okay i'm the problem, gonna isolate me even more and work even more on me"
or is it healthier to say "i didn't meet a single healthy person for all of my life and i should put even more energy in finding new people"?
or should i stop accepting the ghosting and stalk them as long as they need to tell me why they vanished?... well okay, don't have the time for that.
basically noone has ever criticized me for my behaviour, they just vanished.
I thought I was the only person who could not identify my feelings, you've helped me understand I'm not the only person like this, which is important.
Been watching your videos past 3 years now. Topics always so relevant to my life. Currently in a new relationship with a lovely man but I tend to self-sabotage. Was cheated on 20 years ago and only just started to feel love again. Thanks for always being that kind voice of support.
How’s it going?
I’m ALWAYS the one getting dumped in relationships or if we’ve been dating for a brief time, even had friends end friendships with me recently. I’m definitely the problem and it hurts because I don’t know why I’m so easy to throw away like I don’t matter.
The problems started when started putting boundaries . And i verbalized over and over . I take a accountability. But none else does and they act like I'm crazy . My mental health is so bad that my family all my life looks at me like I'm the problem i don't understand i have given my life to them helping in any way the moment i start saying no or i won't be treated bad or called names then the your the problem really started in .
I know how frustrating that can feel. Like how can people be so inconsiderate or am I setting expectations too high? Very confusing.
This is definitely something I've been wondering since listening to "Anti-Hero."
Hello
Yes, I have problems with communication, all of my life. I have always had trouble reading which lead to my lack of confidence of word usage and articulation. I read at the speed of a third grader and my memory is an issue as well. I believe this also is some how tied to very little emotional intelligence. So yes, I believe that I am the problem in most of my relationships.
No one should ever feel that they are the problem but one thing it’s important to recognize is that there is a difference between responsibility and blaming themselves. The hardest thing is to admit when you are wrong but when you do I think it can be beautiful. Let’s face it no one is perfect but the more we recognize are imperfections the more attractive we become
*taylor swift has entered the chat*
Swiftly does the thing
This was so helpful Katy! I really love the way you list things out and put it on the screen, it makes following along and even taking some notes so easy! Great idea.
I know it's easy to see the problem with others, I know from my background I've had so much to work on. As children and adolescents we don't see it until we've lived it. Now I'm still struggling, knowing what I need to work on still. What a roller-coaster.
I wish that my wife were to be more aware of the triggers...because she doesnt seem to realize that words matter....she always makes minimizing remarks and then blames me when I get upset and ask what she really mean by them,,,,,
I have attachment issues and rigid behaviours like manipulation and becoming passive aggressive.
I recognise I am a problem too, I do many things mentioned in this video, though some of them I mask well (like the all or nothing attachment issues attitude, I know I don't want to leave and I don't want to ruin a relationship that is growing into something good, but I do have those intrusive thoughts at times. It's worse when we're together and I wake up next to him and I spiral into negativity, it did affect him in the past too tbh). If it wasn't for my partner helping me open up and encouraging me to give him feedback on how to do better, I'd just keep it to myself and grow resentful, because as much as I wished to tell him some things, I was afraid it'd also make him sad, or that I'd look selfish complaining about them. I guess we just both are trying to improve for each other.
This is the video I really need now. I can relate so much to what was said.
xox
My woman wanted to start using the "I feel " line. It felt kind of passive agressive
Thank you Katie for sharing your knowledge, I know I am the problem yet still not able to fix it. Moved back home a while ago and that really opened insight to a lot of my issues. Especially in the attachment department. As for boundaries, when family talk/scream bad things at me I am not allowed to go "you stay and listen" while they scream their things and slam the door and leave. How can I de-escalate things like this? Curiosity doesn't work with any of them, well maybe one but on rare occasions. My contact person at psychiatry shays I should move out but I'm worried there will be neglect to our newest family member whom already has developed traits of anxiety and confusion. We got some "stuffers" that keep their feelings in and then latch out on me or him when their cups are full. Yes I'm clumsy when expressing feelings or observations and that probably worsens our toxic family dynamic.
I'm the only one that's been to therapy, a sibling acknowledges their issues yet parents and other relatives don't. Being quiet doesn't work, speaking modestly doesn't work, being blunt definitely don't work but that is seemingly my nature. I prefer to be honest especially nowadays (had an era where I lied without consideration), yet I am to tired or perhaps confused to express myself clear without stepping on any toes. Tbh, it is like my existence bothers people, what am I to do about that? I know I can be annoying but having people screaming shut up and being mad, negative or stepping over boundaries is draining. They consider all form as feedback as complaining and they don't absorb positive feedback, only sees negative as nagging. What to do? Considered suicide at many points in life but I have a fighter spirit so must I be here for some reason. Feeling I got so much inside that never gets properly expressed or done, at most misunderstood or never initiated. Not playing the victim card but I am really tired of the ignorance, sadness and anger most of us holds. Sorry for long text, any tips on how to be direct and clear without overusing language? God bless you all!
If you are at all able to move out, please do that! You don’t have the power to help people who only use you to blame their problems on. You are NOT responsible for anyone else’s reactions, only your own.
4, 5 and 6 for me and I feel awful :( Going to work on getting better and becoming a better me for my relationships and myself. Thank you, Kati 💜
#4 is a big one for me. Growing up with a Korean war vet who dealt with his combat PTSD with alcohol has left me with issues I still have not been able to deal with. Someone walking down the hallway to the room I'm in, even if its my daughter, can trigger a response in me that I have to hide myself. Or I become so scared that I can't stop shaking. In these cases I go to bed and sleep it off. If I sleep well that I'm over it for the time being.
I feel like sometimes I get angry quickly about nonsense, but in that moment, it is is impossible for me to notice or regulate. I feel bad afterwards but then the damage is done. I feel like I have no control about my mood? It's hard to explain.
Boundaries are difficult because it means letting go of people who you care about, or at least radically adjusting what the relationship is. I don't mean to be a victim, but it's been kinda sad how badly men have treated me sometimes. I don't know what to do except hold my boundaries and self love and walk away. Just so much triangulation and cruelty...unprovoked. I just keep praying and remembering that the Holy Spirit is inside of my heart. It's still really sad.
It’s so hard I’m struggling, I’m in therapy but I can hardy see the therapist because of my finances. I feel trapped, and in pain
Aww I'm sorry that you are in suffering right now. Definitely praying for you for it to get better. Mental health access definitely needs to get better all over the world.
I don't know if you are open to this but this is something that is comforting for me.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 and Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.'
God bless you friend and look after yourself ❤
Please keep trying, I know it's so difficult
Pretty cool, reinforces that my ending the few friendships & my marriage was the functional thing to do. Didn't see the big picture until after I left & had good therapy to gain good skills to be able to understand the emotions those people created in me
My problem is Being the receiving part of the boundaries setting is bad, like I'm not even worthy of an explanation if something I did was hurting or bad received and I have to understand what I did wrong. Don't I should receive an explanation? Just one side shutting down? I don't understand this boundaries setting sometimes
I wonder what you mean by explanation.
I agree that it doesn't feel good to be told "don't do that", but it's reasonable, and the explanation is "that person doesn't like that." And then I try not to do that anymore.
But I agree that it's unfair when someone is too shy to say "I don't like that" and then instead of saying it just stops hanging out. That's very emotionally immature.
Thanks Kati. This one hit hard for me, but is making me accepting some uncomfortable truths about myself. Now I need to work on changing them so I can find and hopefully keep my dream girl.
Need to find one that proves she can do the same though or you go from being the problem to her being the problem while being told you are the problem. Don't let the woman put all blame on you... many tend to do that. Usually there are two problems in a relationship because there are two flawed humans trying to build a life.
Ouch…definitely emotional, boundary, and attachment issues!! I have a hard time knowing when to work on me, or when to stand up for myself. I think I have authority issues because my mother was narcissistic and abusive in every way except sexually and I have a dichotomous response to authority. Either I become defensive or I have a hard time speaking up for myself…I don’t know how to find the middle. And I guess sometimes I have communication issues too…ugh.
How come I am able to communicate well with some people, while with others I feel that stonewall blocking me and making me not want to communicate with them. It happens mostly with "authority" figures, meaning people that are above me at work that we don't have a good relationship or family (parents, older siblings). I am really perplexed by this behaviour of mine, as I have found my self repeatedly in these kinds of situations where authority figures exhibit a bossy behaviour and then try to make amends and I end up behaving poorly because I don't want to have to do anything with them. Thus, this affects my work, my life and how I feel about my self in general.
My relationships usually end with me being like "DON'T LEAVE ME!!!" and me trying everything to hold onto the relationship from contacting their friends, their brother, calling them from a different phone number, etc. It usually ends with them blocking me on everything. But yeah, it's really hard for me to go from "single" to "not single" or "in a relationship" and in general I would rather be "not single" or "in a relationship" than single. In general I always put a lot of effort into trying to get into or be in a relationship. Eventually (like a little after turning 29) I just gave up and married myself. My Facebook relationship status says "married".
We can always be better. Always!
Thank you for sharing this video on the 6 signs that you might be the problem in your relationships. It's important to reflect on our own behavior and take responsibility for our actions, especially when it comes to our interactions with others.
It can be difficult to admit when we are at fault, but by recognizing these signs and making changes, we can improve our relationships and become better versions of ourselves.
The tips and insights provided in this video can help us become more self-aware and mindful of our behavior, ultimately leading to healthier and more fulfilling relation.
Hello There! Great video.
For some time now, I have been doing research and learning how to become a better friend. I try my best to be respectful, and kind and apologize if I hurt anyone. It becomes very difficult when I reach out and check to see how my friends are doing and they just stop talking to me altogether. After a while, the "friendship" becomes very one-sided.
I've never been in a relationship and I know that it's my fault primarily for not choosing good potential partners and for misunderstanding and poorly communicating intentions
Thank you Kati. Your videos are helpful for me. Sometimes, yes, sometimes I am the problem. Sometimes not.
Own your own stuff. But don’t own theirs.
Easier said than done, but it’s doable.
Exactly!! And, yes it can be tricky.. xoxo
Thanks for the tips, Kati, it takes two to tango, and it's always helpful to evaluate your own behaviour prior to blaming the other party.
Thank you. I found this really helpful.
I would definitely be the problem. I have only been watching your videos for about 2 weeks now and I am attached. Been attached since watching the first few videos. I have BPD can't you tell. I am used to a therapist with a very psychodynamic way of working. It has been refreshing to see the world from your perspective. Already bought your trauma book and DBT workbook. I am 69 and still have major attachment issues.
I was also the problem 😞 .... Humble enough to admit it 🙏
No, attachment problems can also result not from parents. Being inconsistent but also loved ones passing away. In your early childhood.
I tried to work on my emotion regulation but she knew what got under my skin. Used it all the time And acted like she had no clue what she did.
My problem is that I feel like I objectively really have my life together (good mental and physical health, good job that I like, financially secure, etc), and I have had a very hard time finding a woman who is functioning on the same level. Most don't seem to even want to improve or grow or work on themselves at all... It's been very discouraging.
I was the 50% of the problem, the remaining half was my ex-wife. I find this video helpful….and dangerous at the same time…It’s just a contribution I want to give because I think most of the time some unhealthy attitude/behaviour occur on both sides of the relationship. It’s crucial to find a good therapist AND psychiatrist. It may sound a blunt comment but I really mean only good.
Sometimes i wished some relationships ended with yelling and anger. Most ended without any soul out of thin air, leaving me feel empty and unecessary.
@Margaret Stokes Single, Brazil. Not looking for a long distance though.
@@oponomo good you're not into sociopaths
Love your show. I meet so many flacky people. They never follow through. What makes flacky people. Those that follow through are gems of our society.
Liz Taylor was married 8 times. I don't need to know anything else to know where the problem lies. If we keep repeating the same adverse event, it's time to look inward to see if we are doing something. However, it's also important to realize abusers will blame the victim and get the victim to believe that it is indeed the victim's fault. So blaming ourselves is not THE cause, but admitting it may be A cause is the first road to changing the cycle.
Hmmm. Maybe but also being both rich and very attractive can attract men who care about nothing else, & pretend to be great guys till after they are married.
Thanks Kati for always being here for us and to answer our questions. You inspired me to go back to school and start my journey to become a LMFT!💜
I've started just avoiding people. I'm 67 years old. I've been in therapy off and on since 1974. I assume people won't like me, so I go out of my way to compliment them and "loan" (give) them money. It doesn't seem to matter. I give up. I can read books and watch TV alone.
If I can offer my opinion, maybe starting off under the assumption that you won’t be liked is a problem that can lead to a self fulfilling prophecy. So then you have a hard time being yourself.
This was so helpful. Thank you!
As and AuDHD woman I definitely have communication difficulties. Most of it comes from my boundaries being not expressed because I always thought of them as just decent person things. Like a decent person does not do those things, therefore why would I tell them what will happen if they do? I struggle with my black and white thinking making me believe their actions that cross my boundaries make them a bad person that needs cut out of my life. To be honest, sometimes I do not want to change because my reactions have served me well but I know that judging people as harshly as I do is not normal either.
Reflecting on all my past relationships, I can say that I am part of the problem,