10 Things TOXIC PARENTS Say
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 มิ.ย. 2024
- Toxic parents can be extremely damaging to your mental health as a child but also as an adult. When we ignore the damage our parents may have done to us in the past, they can manifest in our current relationships. And it is something we should deal with so that we can stop the cycle of toxic relationships. Are you wondering if your parents are toxic? Here are some of the things toxic parents say. Being with toxic parents can be as detrimental to one's mental health as being in a toxic relationship or abusive relationship so it's important to address and set-up these boundaries now. As always, I'll be speaking to how to handle toxic parents and how to set up boundaries with your parents in this video.
Video Shortcuts
0:00-0:38 Introduction
0:38-1:31 1. Do you know how much I've done for you
1:32-2:06 2. You are such a disappointment
2:07-3:09 3. Commenting on appearance
3:10-4:07 4. Thinking we're their extension
4:08-5:04 5. Not allowing privacy
5:05-5:30 6. Force to live out their dreams
5:31-6:50 7. Withholding love as punishment
6:51-8:11 8. They never apologize
8:12-9:04 9. Comparing to other children
9:05-9:59 10. "I am only doing this for your own good"
10:00-13:27 How to heal
13:28-16:39 What to say to your parents
Here's another video about how to overcome childhood emotional neglect that you may find helpful: • How to overcome Childh...
How to deal with toxic parents: • Dealing with Toxic Par...
Additionally, this may be a good video if you're a victim of childhood emotional neglect, adult child of an alcoholic or member of ACOA, dealt with abusive parents or abusive parenting, struggle with childhood neglect or childhood trauma, or are used to toxic relationships. Whether it be your mother, father or a different guardian, this video should help set up boundaries with your parents. As this toxic behavior and childhood emotional neglect has an effect on us as adults, and can cause childhood trauma.
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My mum always said to me “I yell at you because I love you” and my god it was the most toxic and abusive thing ever, because it made me think violent behaviour was a form of love.
I was married for 23 years before I learned what a narcissist was and left my marriage. In the list of toxic phrases, I take responsibility for #1 on here. The others were all done by the other parent, my exhusband to my kids, as well as to me. I reacted to his abuse by fighting back/getting disregulated. When I did this, my kids suffered and I take responsibility for the trauma they experienced from my crying and lashing out at their dad. Now, however, he (being a victimized narcissist who was deserted by the disregulated wife/mom) has turned me into the abuser. I can and will take responsibility for my part in my children's pain, but am not sure how, because they put all of the things their dad did on me. They have been brainwashed by him. Maybe if I just say ok, and take all the responsibility? If I do and the end result helps my kids, I will, but it also is sort of gaslighting. If I plead guilty to all of it, it is a lie. I'm not sure what to do, exactly. My kids are now 18, 22, 29 and are, thankfully getting therapy. Thanks for listening
Cringe, 😬 the opposite at of love..
mine was i hit you bec i love you
❤🩹 So sorry that she said that to you and treated you that way
thats the most stupidest and Manipulative etc thing somebody can say
A TON of toxic peers tell me that you DO owe your parents for choosing to have you. I'm glad it's number one on this list.
I think we as parents and as ones who used to be kids, we should teach and know how to respect each other, sometimes when i say that parents should respect their kids people laugh at me as if im delusional..but i think it all stems from mutual respect, children need to respect their parents too, after all parents do give so much to their kids and when this goes both ways i think it makes way for strong relationships. After all, parent-child is also a relationship that needs work and nurturing
I do think you owe good parents good care in old age or need. I mean it’s still a relationship with your parents and eventually you’ll be the competent party while they’ll be the one with needs
This is true. However, that debt is entirely repaid by the time you are born. The status gained, the purpose, the public celebration and congratulations, everything they get as part of pregnancy and baby is the reward. Entirely repaid.
@@monk3110 Children should not be born with a job, whatever that job may be: working to help support the family, taking care of a member of the family, doing everything our parents tell us to do or to be responsible for our parents’ happiness.
Those toxic peers are called flying monkeys or enablers in psychology....don't even waste time listening to them, just try to avoid these folks.
If I dared to tell my parents "I know you're mad but yelling at me isn't going to help" I would have received the hardest slap to the face ever known to human kind. I don't think people understand that most narcissists are also incredibly aggressive. My mom/dad would have never allowed me to say anything to this manner to them after yelling at me.
My mum wasn’t so directly toxic, she is very good at being passive aggressive and using guilt. If I talk about my pain or any struggles then she straight away talks about her own without any support or sympathy towards me. I was talking about my issues with food and how it stems from my past of being an overweight child and she starts saying “oww you don’t blame me for that do you?” Always playing the victim and never taking responsibility. There was also pressure for me to do as well academically as my older sister and as a 29 year old, I now know that I struggled a lot in school and potentially have adhd and I just needed someone to notice and give me the extra help that I needed in school.
This is my mum to a tee, she is completely emotionally unavailable and can’t talk about anything without either turning it around on her or making out she has had worse. She never asked me or my sister if we were okay when our dad died and made it all about her and the grief she was going through. She now has stage 3 cancer so I am having to care for her on daily basis but it’s hard as I’m having to assume the caring role to someone who has never really cared for me at all emotionally or even told me she loves me and I’m 30. I have my own son now and I am grateful I have been given the tools to break the chain. All the best
Oh man this is my mom 100%. Everything is always about her and never accepts any fault in how we were raised.
Same bro
ugh the passive aggresive part is the worst
Oh, that sucks. My mom is passive aggressive too. Every time I make a decision about my own life she does not like for whatever reasons, she is like: "oh, you don't value me! you hurt my feelings!"
“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” “you should get over it/let it go/meet them where they are because they didn’t mean it/they love you/they’re family,” “I’m the mother, you’re the child” and (when I talk about having a negative emotion) “don’t focus on that” 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🙄🙄
Especially in public. A lot of parents still do that tho it’s old fashioned.
Dealing with depression as a teenager being told other people have it worse thank you you should be grateful. You would have it so much worse if we didn't adopt you you don't know the conditions we saved you from.
Omgggg going through that I’m
The parent your the child and I’m 26 years old. Had to put my mom
In her place a few days ago so she can understand that I’m no longer a child nor do I live under roof. Let’s just say doing so made things a lot worst which ultimately led to me cutting her off
Dad would do this. @@AyooBossGIrl
My mother said the same thing to me when I wanted to run away from home. Or when I was crying 😢 because she was punishing me when I didn't do anything wrong. When I did that was one thing. Then I cleaned the house for her. I did all the laundry for her. She always had this attitude that everyone owes her a living. I don't feel I owe her anything. I did pull my weight the best I could. That wasn't enough for my mother. So I told her last year I'm stepping back from this relationship. So I haven't heard from her again. Then she made me afraid to make my own decisions. That's why I was afraid or didn't like to learn new things. Now it depends on what it is.
My mum acts like she never needs to apologize. Now as an adult I try to explain to her that when you hurt someone, whether you understand their feelings or not, you should apologize because you care for them and should feel bad you've hurt them. I think that's one of the reasons I apologize for everything all the time though. I don't ever want anyone to feel like I've felt, like their feelings are dumb or unimportant, so I just end up apologizing for everything.
My mom almost never apologizes to me. One time, she asked me to look for something in the cupboard under the sink in the kitchen. It’s one of those corner cupboards you practically have to crawl into to reach the back. Anyway, I couldn’t find the item she wanted and she didn’t believe me. She insisted it was there and told me to look again. When I still couldn’t find it, she got mad and then looked for it herself. Guess what? She couldn’t find it, either. Later, she very grudgingly apologized to me, she was just seething and you could practically see the steam coming out of her as she did. She later told me that my brother told her she owed me an apology. It’s also the only time in 48 years I ever remember her apologizing to me.
My mom never apologizes either, except for me it had the opposite effect. Whenever I want to apologize I feel immense shame and anxiety beforehand, so I usually end up not doing it. It's something that I really dislike about myself
Ugh, I can only count my mom apologizing to me a handful of times throughout my life. I don’t even know if I can call it an apology since she went and did the same hurtful things all over again after the fact 🙄🤦🏽♀️ I don’t know if my mom is the only one to do this but she gets sooo caught up in intent. It drives me crazy. If I’m bothered or hurt by something she did, she’ll say, “well, I was trying to do this” or “my intention was this” or “I’m not hurting you/minimizing you” and I’m just like, “b!tch, you don’t get to decide if you do or don’t have that impact on someone 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾”
looking into Nonviolent Communication (I recommend lectures by its creator, Marshall) can help you with expressing remorse and attempting repair without making yourself feel ashamed/entirely responsible & losing your boundaries.
Maybe she won't apologize because she isn't sorry. It sounds like she doesn't want to know about your feelings. Avoiding an apology is a priority over your feelings. Just watch out for repeats of her behaviour as you might still be a target who she is keeping lined up and playing you over it.
My mom used to say: "I can't wait until you have kids" when she was mad at me, usually when I couldn't stop crying. I still remember how she was smiling but really angry at the same time when she said that. I was this prediction that when I had kids I'd finally understand how hard it was for her, or how much I was making her suffer with my existence.
I make it a point to never say this to my kids. It's very damaging to wish problems on your kids in the future (or to make them feel like they are a problem to you). What I do tell them is that when they're older and have kids, if they're upset with them, I will be there to listen and help them through it. I'm not a perfect parent, and I've said the wrong things in the past in other instances, but I do my best to become aware of how something I said made my children feel and apologize to them immediately.
“I brought you into this world and I can take you out” my mom used this one all the time. Has anyone else heard this? It reinforced that I was an extension of her, she was the dictator and also physical harm
Definitely heard this growing up
Oh yeah 🤣 the most friendly death threat!!!
Same
You can't let a third rate bill Cosby bit become your parenting identity.
Let your parenting identity be one of Cosby's good bits.
My ex narcissist husband told my children that!
I don't think any of those responses or requests to respect boundaries would fly with a parent with NPD. They'll rage and punish. Glad you mention safety and removing yourself, and even cutting parents out. Kudos!
Omg, agreed. When a parent has NPD the best thing we can do is honestly distance ourselves or possibly cut them off completely depending on what's best for us. xoxo
Yeah, my mom is not a narcissist, but I’ve had to just make anything related to mental health forbidden in conversations with her, cuz it always triggers the same hurtful argument over and over where I seek validation and understanding, and she never gives it. I’m always wrong and crazy.
That last thing was my fav. Was waiting for that.
Yes. I was getting terrified imagining those things to my dad, and I'm in my 30s and he's dead.
She also often brings up that all negative thoughts and such comes from Satan, even after I try to explain my OCD, MDD, and even my Suicidal Ideation when I was a kid.
Wow. Kinda sad watching this as an adult and identifying that my childhood was full of 7/10 of this.
The way I dealt with it is, since I don't depend on them financialy I don't talk to my parents anymore.
Going to therapy when I was a child would have helped so much...but I did try going for a while and after my mom found out I was talking about her during therapy, she said I couldn't go anymore if I was just "badmouthing her to a stranger" :/
Ugh.. I am so sorry you had to go through this and even your attempt to get help was cut off. I am glad you don't depend on them financially and were able to get away. I hope you are in therapy now and feeling better :) xoxox
Me too 7/10 😔
Looking back, I wish I had given both my parents an ultimatum - Respect me or I'm gonna cut you off for good. I wish I'd written a letter addressing their behavior that I'm not willing to put up with anymore, and naming the manipulations I can see through since I know how my mom's response to the letter would be to cry and try to make me feel bad for writing it.
I'd let her know her tears won't make me feel guilty anymore.
If anyone feels bad cutting off your toxic parents, just remember that THEY are making the choice, not just you. They're capable of treating you well and keeping you around.
Lucky you are: mine was 10/10 and some of it went on even as I became half (paying half of the rent while living with father) and later fully autonomous.
Not talking to them is EXACTLY the best and only way to heal from their inadequate parenting. You owe them nothing. I do congratulate you, be proud of yourself x
I'd also expand #3 to include parents openly making fun and criticising other people's looks and body features that are very similar to the child's. These indirect comments can still have a negative effect on the child's self image.
Absolutely! My mother would comment on strangers and judge them on what they would 'presumably' eat or the kind of 'lifestyle they had'. I always felt so bad for them and her comments about my own body made me question how much I could believe her compliments.
I don’t think my mother cared enough 🙄 to criticize my looks. I internalized her own body insecurities.
This was the main one that I felt I didn’t have growing up… until I realize how my mom would negatively judge others who were fringe in their appearance like I was drawn to being for myself at the time (80’s baby!). Not only that, but she heavily tried getting me to conform to Abercrombie and Fitch and the Gap and such places - which was SO not me.
agreed. My parents do this
So true!!! I've known parents who criticize people's looks and who also disparage people who aren't fashionable.
I'm not a parent but, I am an aunt and I want to make sure that I don't say or do these damaging things. I'm trying to break some generational curses. Thank you Katie.
Same here!! 💛
I won't be passing it on either way
Same here. Thinking about my nieces and nephews. Just standing by in case they open that door to me. I know they are all suffering. 🥲
I'm nearly 70 and the stuff my parents did and said to me still negatively impacts me to this day. They had immense problems as people (both were alcoholics, mom was autistic, dad was amoral, both blamed me for their problems, etc...) and they clobbered me pretty good for just being there.
Always seemed to me for past 55 plus years
That what they said to me hurt more than what they physically did
The physical seems much faster to heal than their words continuously still years later echoing in my head
Me too . Dad was a toxic violent misogynist and mom acted like a verbally abusing combination of Nurse Ratched and Carrie’s mother. I’m still dealing with the physical and extreme emotional abuse and reality denial at 70.
10/10...
I did therapy for a year and my therapist said i have to get out. Its never gonna get better with this dynamic.
My dad is a narsisst, my mom obeys him and actually does many things he does as well and also uses his power to punish us. I have had chronic depression, panic attacks, anxiety and still have pstd....esp when i hear my mom arguing. It triggers me so much, i wish i was deaf in those moments.
I really want to move out by next year. Right now i am not talking to anyone and i am trying to stay in my room and go to work/uni/meet with friends so i pass the time but i need to get out. I am 27 btw.
I am much happier when i dont talk to them, they bring me down so much its insane.
I pray for anyone who is in a similar situation and can get out or the parent realises their misstake..
Me too..42yrs old..living with parents as illness...I'm so much more peaceful when I'm not around them, don’t talk to them.
I am 30 and living at home still and i TOTALLY agree with you, i have inner peace when I am not around them. Planning on moving out soon. Praying for healing in everyone's lives here.
One thing I remember from childhood is my mother telling me that my tawny hair was called "dishwater blond". My sisters both had beautiful dark brown eyes and hair. She died last February and the last thing she said to me personally was about my short haircut. She said, "I never really liked your hair that way, but I guess it is ok." Thanks Mom.
Your hair sounds like it is a soft bronde… less of the yellows, and more of a very, very light delicate brown. It sounds unique and also likely very beautiful.
Mine was told to me to be called a dirty blond which I hated the alternative was to calm it dishwater instead not much of a selection was it 🤔 but even worse is when they say
The worst thing I can think of to call another woman is a douche bag … and you’re an flucking douche bag
Obviously no L was in that word but just the gist of what she really said and mind you I was only 12 when she said it
@@annamarie1942 it was just like that as a child. Now it is grey.
Ooo, that's hateful. "Tawny" hair is usually quite beautiful, BTW.
Back in the day we used the name of hair colors that hairdressers used or that was on the box of hair colors. Dishwasher or dirty blonde was very common, and it did not have a negative connotation. It just meant there was a light brown undertone in the blonde
No wonder I was so screwed up and despondent most of my life. My mother did every last one of these toxic shenanigans.
Not me but my ex used to get “I brought you into this world & I can take you out of it”
same.. lmao
it hurts to hear that
Yep I heard that too
I'm 43 yo and my mother still says that to me. But now I know its toxic and I won't give her the power to hurt me anymore. I see it as her insecurities and guilt because her parents didn't do right by her. I tell my children that I wanted them and I love them and they owe me nothing. My partner and I reared our children to have a choice, a voice to express themselves and we respect them as individuals. I know we made many mistakes along the way, but I will continue to fix these mistakes and forgive them of theirs until my last breath. I will always love my children fiercely and protect them to the best of my ability. Thats all we can do, is love them and accept their choices whether they want a relationship with us or not.
Honorable mention: "I know you more than you know yourself."
10 out of 10 for me. I haven't seen my mom or sister since 1995, or my dad or brother in about 6 years. At one point I wrote my mom a letter trying to explain how I felt, stating at least 3 times that I was NOT blaming her, but that I just wanted her to understand how I felt. The letter was a better option for me as I could get down what I wanted to say without being verbally attacked in the process. At the time I had my dad read the letter to make sure there was nothing in it that my mother could misconstrue. He said it was an excellent letter and he thought very clear and polite. So I was pretty shocked when a few days later I got a nasty phone call from my sister telling me I was a terrible daughter for blaming mom for everything in my life. What???? Yeah. I don't need that. It's really hard alone. I've never had a good family role model. I'm 60 now and although I've been on a personal growth path for at least 40 years, it seems as though I'm going at a snail's pace. I still struggle to not attract and accept the same abuse and neglect I was brought up with. My relationships have not been healthy. I am happiest with pets. People are too hard....
I can fully relate. I chose to halt contact about 7 years back. You’ve got to save yourself. It’s like when you try to save a drowning person. They can pull you down.
I understand where you are coming from. I wrote a letter to my mom about how she treated me as a child and as an adult growing up. She was drunk when she read the letter and blew it all of of proportion.
My problem with toxic families is they will practically bait you they will ask you what's wrong then make you regret saying how you feel or they'll act like they're open about what your grudge is and then they end up guilt tripping so much where if they are good at what they do they will have you turning on yourself for daring to speak the truth
What made you cut off contact with your brother and father much later than with your mother and sister?
My mother has said all 10 to us an infinite amount. I moved away, but my sister stayed. She's so bad that she turns around every comment my sister makes, such as the ones in the end if the video, back onto her and tries to play the victim every time, even when my sister is completely calm and non-combative. My mom's behavior results from a childhood full of abuse, cruel neglect, lies, and abandonment.
I had the very same kind of family here.
Same with my mum, however mine was spoiled and her mum passed away she still blames her for everything...
Ouch! I, with much regret, have done a lot of these to my 3 wonderful children. However, I’m working very hard to repair the damage. I acknowledge and apologize a lot when they bring things up. I think we do to our kids what we saw modeled. Not an excuse but an unfortunate truth. I’m glad you made this vey clear and concise video. We need to share this video with the hopes of improving our relationships and helping to break the cycle. Thanks again!
So much respect for your growth👏🏻❤️
I am so glad you are working to repair and reconnect with your children! All we can do is try to do better tomorrow :) I am so glad you found this video helpful. xoxo
That is so true. I have apologized to my grown children. Because I only raised my kids the way I was raised. I don’t really have reference to seeing good parenting role models. I am so happy that my son has done a lot of inner child work and uses his knowledge to raise my grand daughter.
Thank you, Katie! I find you so refreshing, and insightful.😊
Bravo to you for being a parent and watching and acknowledging. Be proud of yourself
It's worse when your parents compare you to your bullies and makes them seem better than you. That obliterates a relationship
yep, that one happened to me more than once
I'd be dead honestly
I was always told the girls who bullied me were beautiful. No lie. I wad always told I would never be beautiful and wad just plain. If someone else complimented me mom would find something negative to say in response
Growing up as an adoptee, I would periodically ask questions about my beginnings in life. I had very bad eczema as a baby (which never went away) and developed asthma and a multitude of allergies - food and environmental- by the age of 5. I recall one discussion as a child with my mom and her aunt about my adoption in which my aunt said "THEY (referring to Children's Aid) said you were HEALTHY! They (referring to my parents) COULD HAVE given you BACK!"
Later, as an adult, there have been at least 2 conversations in which my mother said, again: "THEY said you were healthy!" with an obvious tone of anger toward Children's Aid. It's abundantly clear to me that she considers herself to have been duped into taking a sick child.
(Children's Aid couldn't predict my future health based on the fact that I had a bad rash in the first few months of life, and it is absurd to think they could've.) Any time these statements have been uttered, there has never been the slightest consideration of how hearing that might feel for me.
It has helped me understand why I struggle so much with self-respect. I don't just have low self-esteem--there have been numerous moments in which it might be more accurate to call it self-hatred.
Comparing children can go the other way too and it still isn't healthy. I've been constantly compared to my brother, because he has depression and life is really hard for him. My step dad calls him lazy and selfish and will compare me to him, telling me that I'm better than him and what not. I hate it so much and it is so disrespectful towards my brother.
Can relate, I'm physically disabled from birth and being compared to my younger sister constantly was devastating. It honestly got to the point that I started to feel a certain level of bitterness toward my sister. It felt like my stepmom loved her more because she was able-bodied and that hurts. Then seeing my stepmom compare my younger brother to me made me esp. angry because he has a behavioral disorder. I honestly think she hated dealing with 2 disabled children.
Ok story time. I came home on a Friday after school, brain cells gone, I told my dad I beat my friend in a race a bit and he told me I had to be like that in my life. Always a step ahead in some sports I forcefully do and their own reasons. I just sat there suffering till my mom came home. I was about to snap, but I knew if I did, I would be seen as disrespectful to him. It’s so sadistic how this happens, anyway I hope you liked my story and goodbye
Sounds like my step bro ..I respect him but guess I've never respected my father so cuts both ways ...like a knife cuts like a knife .
My parents did that and it can cause a wedge between siblings even in adulthood
@@happyascheese I’m so sorry you are going through this 😢
I was constantly told by my father that I’m fat and have a butt the size of a hippopotamus?! I was slim and the doctors told me to eat because my ribs were sticking out.
My mother told me all the time that we look ugly and need plastic surgery.
When I look back at my teenage self, I see a girl that was beautiful, smart, kind but completely destroyed by her caretakers.
Luckily I love myself enough and sought healing. Additionally I’ve gone no contact with my entire family.
your parents were real idiots, sorry. I think people like them have a need to put down others because themselves feel inferior, that's their way to make themselves feel better.
I heard, “Have a butt like a circus horse.”
(What a jackass.)
🙏🌷♥️🌷🙏
My mother passed away several years ago and I feel guilty being angry with her but she really did a number on my self esteem. My appearance was criticized from birth. Nothing I told her was kept confidential. I have a hard time justifying that it could be because she was raised that way because how can someone that went through that do that to their own child. I'm breaking the cycle with my children.
Her generation didn’t recognize it as a cycle. It felt normal to her. You also have to realize that the stress she felt from her abuse as a child changed the way her brain developed. Then she changed the way your brain developed.
same here. The best we can do now is stop the cycle.
I… have a lot of guilt tied to my mother… the phrases “you’re being too sensitive” and “you always read the worst into what I say” were phrases I got well into adulthood whenever I tried to express my feelings about something she did that hurt me.
Soo true.. I'm 35 yrs, still my mom is the same 😢
I have so many memories of crying that "I didn't choose to be born" and then getting gaslit for being "dramatic"
Something that my Dad says when I confront him is, "that's just how I am". I don't think he will ever understand that the way he just is, is mentally abusing and causes everyone in our household major depression, to the point where he's yelling at my mom and making her cry the day she came back from having brain surgery. Thank you for your videos Kati, you help me to feel heard and not alone
Omg my uncle says the same thing and it’s so effing frustrating. When people say that, I feel like in so many words they’re saying, “I see that my behavior has a certain impact on you but I’m unwilling to change it” and it’s really hurtful and disappointing. If can come across as if they almost don’t care what the impact of they’re behavior is, and you just have to get used to it, which is unfair.
My dad used to say that, too. He'd tell me that I needed to change to be okay with it because he couldn't change. It was so confusing and painful.
"That's just how I am" are the words of someone who never matured.
@@GlitterEnby Right?? Same exact thing here.
@@zs9710 Exactly!!
The way that so many young adults are realizing this toxic behavior, especially in that phrase "do you know how much I've done for you?" is eyeopening. And then for these young adults to be questioned about why they don't want to have kids, after having this idea instilled in them that it's such a burden because that's how their own parents depicted their experience. Very frustrating!
OMG! I have a toxic parent and it took me 37 years to finally see it. Better now than never. Thank you so much for this video. Now I see how I repeat the pattern I was exposed as a child and how I can improve my relationship with my own child.
Oh my Gosh. This is so so true. One of the biggest problems I have is a family member talking about my income, health problems, medical insurance and other situations that aren't anyone's business. I've asked them over and over not to tell people. Now, I keep secrets. Lots of them.
Perfect timing. I just got triggered by my mothers toxic behaviour.
Me too every day. She is 69 and cries about her childhood. Gives me no time of day. Grew up with no father and 30 to 40 coke users living in our house.
@@tinastanley4444 I'm so sorry. That sounds horrible. But you made it! And you being here on this site shows you are taking care of yourself now. That's good. I wish you all the best.
My mum's criticism of my body when growing up gave me an eating disorder, she refuses to acknowledge it, see it or take accountability for it. She has been on a diet for well over 50 years and she will never change.
I'm sorry, I deal with the same exact situation! Still struggle with a 20 yr ED, and my mom is still on a diet from before I was born.....
During a lunch break at work last year, I found a similar video. Eagerly I watched it hoping that I didn’t do any of things to my kids. 3 minutes in and I am bawling my eyes out as I realize for the first time how toxic my parents and guardians were when I was a child.
It was a short time later I started therapy.
Suddenly made me realize my parents were gold!
This is despite growing up in 1980s India with all that craziness around, my parents respected privacy, freedom to express contradictions and choose own path..
🙏🌷♥️🌷🙏
I'm not a parent yet but I am nanny and this is helpful to make sure I'm healthy. I get confused about when to apologize and when to accept apologies bc of how I was raised.
Yes! It can be hard to know what's best, but I am glad you found this video helpful!!! The kids you nanny are lucky to have you :) xoxo
My stepmom did a lot of this. I can’t really get too into detail about it because I refuse to trigger myself and others. I’m totally blind, and I’m on the autism spectrum, and she would punish me if I constantly explored everything around me because of my blindness. I also got crap if I ran into things, spilled things, or even knocked things off. I’d always get the treatment of, “you can help it. You’re just using blindness as an excuse. You need to have your hands out more often.” But if I touched her or someone else with my hands out, I’d still get crap. I even got crap for doing things that benefit me because of my blindness and autism. I’d get mocked, had cruel jokes played on me, especially when it comes to my blindness. I now have a hard time speaking up for myself when I’m struggling. I tend to hide it and tell everyone around me that I’m fine, but then it just seems to backfire on me.
I don’t usually bring up my blindness publicly in comments because I’ve gotten asked ignorant questions, and not out of curiosity, but out of plain ignorance and rudeness. Or I’ve had people not take me seriously. Blind people can use the internet too, and they can type with smartphones too.
@@siennaprice1351 TY for sharing ur experiences as so important for anyone with disabilities and more importantly those parenting others with disabilities. Lots of parents watching so u talking about may help others shift how they interact with others or at least might provide a pause b4 making any hurtful comments. Hugs!
That sounds a lot like plain abuse. I'm sorry you had to go through that :(
@@3CulosGordos I keep telling myself that it was just discipline, and that she just wanted me to do well and to control myself when doing things because I’m blind. I was even told that I was using blindness as an excuse. But maybe it isn’t discipline? I honestly don’t know, or maybe I was manipulated to think it was discipline and that I was just misinterpreting it as abuse. Blind and autistic people are very vulnerable to stuff like this, especially blind individuals. Because they can’t see or read facial expressions, and people are more than likely able to take advantage of you being that you’re blind.
@@siennaprice1351 I wasn't there... But for what you said... I would say abuse. You don't need to impose discipline to a child if it involves make them feel less...
Also, abusers always think they're doing it for your own good, or because you've done x, y or z and you deserve it. Which is bullshit, don't buy into that. I did for years and felt miserable because of it....
If she wanted you to do better, a non abuser would have explained why, and how to do it better next time, if posible. Not use "discipline". Certantly not tell you you're using your disability as an excuse... Specially if she doesn't have that disability and knows nothing about how to deal with it....
So sad that so many kids (and later adults) are treated by their parents poorly. I feel drained just watching it happen to others😭I wish I knew how to communicate with such parents in a way that they would hear and not feel attacked.
I'm so glad you made this video, I only wish I'd heard these things while I was growing up....I wonder how much difficulty that I've had in my life could have been avoided. But also, now that I'm a parent, I'm reminded to keep myself in check so that I don't inflict the same harm on my own child!
Glad youre breaking the cycle. KATI THANX FOR THE VIDEO, YOURE AWESOME
I am so glad it was helpful, and you are doing your part to break the cycle :) xoxo Amazing!! xoxo
@@shakurwonders5216 I am so glad you liked it Shakur :) xoxo
Tread carefully upon the fine line which you walk.
GO YOU !!!" 🎉🎉🎉👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Congratulations
I'm surprised the infamous "You'll thank me later" didn't make the list. This is a very good video nonetheless. I love the pure honesty of how it's not as easy to think positively as people try to make us think it is.
Ohhh that's a good one too! Honestly, there were many more I could have added, I just didn't want the list to get too long. xxoxo
@@Katimorton Well you did a wonderful job by covering the ones that you did because oof did some of those bring back memories.
That falls into the "for your own good" category, doesn't it?
Or the other infamous “you’ll regret it later” if you choose distance over drama
That’s another good-old fashioned one that always makes the scene as well 🔥🔥
Wow, my mom did every single one of these. I need a video about how to get over anger at my terrible parents (who are dead now).
Allegedly they did their best and didn't know any better.
But honestly even if they lived in different times - if they were interested in parenting right they would find some information.
Maybe part of that anger is at yourself for still loving them? My mother hurt me for years by her insensitive remarks and actions while still claiming to love me. I realised how she left me feeling every time we had a conversation and chose to stop contact with her four years before her death last month. By stopping that contact I realised my anger subsided and I wasn’t as sad as I thought I might be after her death. In fact I feel quite neutral about it. I don’t think we have to love our parents if they didn’t deserve that love. And it is ok to grieve for the love we didn’t have.
@@plan4life We need our parents to love us. Sometimes they love us but don’t know how to express love. When I heard a woman say that she felt liberated when her parents died, I understood how that could happen. Sad, but true.
@@malkaz9167 I think if a parent loves you they wouldn’t continuously hurt you. I can definitely understand someone feeling liberated after their parents death. I felt liberated when I stopped contact with my mother. My sister said I should forgive her, she was an old lady and I would be sorry when she was gone, but I told her it wasn’t about forgiveness, it was protecting myself against further hurt. It is one’s right to sever a toxic relationship and that felt very liberating.
1. “Do you know how much I’ve done for you?”
2. “You are such a disappointment.”
3. Parents commenting on your appearance in a negative way.
4. Parents thinking their kids are an extension of them.
5. Not allowing privacy.
6. Forcing their kids to live out their dreams or follow in their footsteps.
7. Withholding love & attention as a form of punishment.
8. Never apologizing.
9. Comparing one child to another.
10. “I am only doing this for your own good.”
Thanks!
Thank you 🙏🏽
Thank you!!! xoxo
Should have added the phrase,"You're just like _______, always someone they dislike. After awhile it's like and who am I exactly? Why even bother trying if you're always like someone they can't stand or are always a disappointment. The flip side of trying to gain approval is just giving up and embracing the failure to ever be good enough for them.
So many of these things are so familiar to me. I’ve never felt like I am enough, just as I am, for my mother. I had ADHD that went undiagnosed until I was 23. I remember bringing home report cards that she didn’t like and the lectures she would give me. Her lecture would last about 15 minutes, but she’d repeat it about 5 or 6 times and really hammer home for me just how bad I was. Around 9th or 10th grade, my school added in “mid-quarter reports”, which meant you brought home grades 8 times a year and I got her lecture every time. I was told I was lazy, I needed to work harder, I needed to get my priorities in order, do better, do more, try harder. She would remind me over and over about how well she did in school (junior high valedictorian and senior high salutatorian) and that she expected the same from me. But she never gave me the tools or guidance to actually do it. I also remember that when I finally got my ADHD diagnosis, she said “Oh, you don’t want to think THAT about yourself” and I remember thinking “Why? Because it’s so much worse than everything you’ve ever said to me?”
I’ve been out of school for 30 years now and some of these memories are as fresh and as painful now as they were then. Recently, the fact that I hated school and how much I struggled came up in conversation with my mom. She actually said to me that she didn’t know I had struggled so much and that if she had, she would have done whatever she could to help me. I was stunned. How could she possibly not remember? And, of course, I can’t call her out on it because that’s just asking for more trouble.
Wow yes this also hits close to home for me as well. I’m 23 now and was diagnosed with ADHD a few weeks ago and was not surprised one bit. It all made sense to me, and then when I did more research into this condition, I found out that tons of people with ADHD also struggle with dyscalculia, a disorder that makes learning math really difficult. I’ve always struggled with math. I would work my ass off and just never got it and my parents always made me feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough. Weird how they never thought to get me a diagnosis and I had to do it myself because I suspected there was something else going on and that was why I could work hard for hours a day in school… and still only have a 2.5 GPA. I wasn’t lazy, my brain just works differently
My father had died over 30 years ago and I am in my 60s now, and although I do have some good childhood memories with him the thing that I remember most is insulting names he called me. Fathead, bonehead, Numb Nuts, etc. He also put down my appearance, you're as big as a house, etc. He'd call out to my mom "where's that dopy kid? It hurt then and I still remember it some 55 years later.
🙏🌷💜🌷🙏😥
He seemed to not like himself. He took it out on you..😢
I'm in my 40's and I wish I had learn about all of this sooner. I had no idea to what extend Early Childhood Emotional Neglect and a Toxic parent has had on my life. On one hand it's incredibly sad to learn these things but on the other, now I know what's been plaguing me for so many years. Thank you.
You're not alone. 44 and am only just starting to live life in full colour. It's tough to think of the destructive choices I made, the self-loathing and shame that ruined what should have been beautiful life experiences, and never gave my mind a moment's peace. I think there are a lot of people our age realising the damage done.
You have just described my mother perfectly! And I wonder why I revert back to feeling like a worthless teenager any time I have to interact with her.
Dad, for me. He still pulls this crap and ignores that I am onto his nonsense. He needs to grow up!
I am 59.
I have very little to do with him; yet he verbally abuses me, invalidates me, makes me sorry I am his eldest daughter. I didn't do anything to cause his entitled, lazy excuse for fatherhood(he barely bothers and resents doing that!)
He doesn't like feeling obligated, too damned bad for him!
Just because his father was a jackass, doesn't mean my Dad has the right to abuse me, too! His problem; not mine.
My mother told me "I didn't want another kid & I sure in hell didn't want you." Feeling like that 7 yr old kid who believed I was a mistake, but just Maybe I wasn't.
You most certainly are NO mistake. Neither am I. I'm the youngest by five years.
I can relate to these. Ones I would add are having your parent tell you what you are or aren’t feeling, overruling your lived experience; and sort of the reverse of #3 and #9, of a parent over complimenting you/building you up to a highly exaggerated degree, particularly towards others, as a way to puff up their own ego.
I know this is coming late but holy shit my dad gaslighted my emotions all the time, to the point where I actually thought I was just too sensitive and that the things I was feeling were unreasonable. It was awful. Now I have limited contact with him. I always say this but it's very strange to love a person and not like them at the same time.
No. Most parents speak highly of their children. We’re proud of them. Has nothing to do with our ego. We love them
@@katemiller7874 And good parents certainly do love and praise their children truly. But I can speak from years of experience, that there are instances where the praise isn't for the child's benefit. My father only ever praised me when we were around others (co-workers, neighbors, extended family, etc) and it was always in "look how amazing and superior my child is" ways. He didn't really compliment or praise me directly to me. There's a big difference.
“No one will love you and the if you do fool someone into marring you they will be miserable”
Thanks dad
Anyway much better place now after lots of work. I love the information and way it’s presented in these videos thank you for making them
I’ve been struggling with this idea that my parent as toxic for years. I didn’t even feel comfortable talking about it with my therapist. But this video legit validated me in a way that no one has ever done before
I tell my child i will watch/check your online stuff & you will know for SAFETY ONLY & with boundaries. Pretty rare now he's older though. He doesn't seem to mind because he understands it's for safety.
When parents refuse to apologize, they:
1) advance a stupid paradigm that "parents are always right, no matter what";
2) essentially treat their children like a property, a cattle.
I watched this out of curiosity, not thinking my parents are toxic. This was great and really important. Thankfully, my parents aren't what I consider toxic. On your list #4 and #5 are two things that were an issue, even now. I think it was really hard for them to let us go and become our own people.
Like when I moved away they created a "prodigal daughter" narrative. While it's been a little frustrating, I'm grateful for their love and support; overall they are supportive and the distance has been helpful for me to become my own person.
From the beginning my mom use to say " your gonna miss me when I'm gone " or " u changed" like I'm not supposed to evolve, when my dad passed 5 yrs ago it got worst an now I'm learning how to protect my energy an mental health
Forced affection was a big one with some of my parents, as in "you have to give me a kiss before school, or I will guilt you about it", or "If I don't get a kiss and a hug and an 'I love you' before bed I will lash out with accusations or treat you differently" sort of deal. I don't know what they think that teaches anyone, but the message most kids get from that, in my experience, seems to actually be "I owe people access to my body and I owe them performances of affection, even when I don't feel like it because we are family or in a relationship." And an expectation that if we don't perform we will be punished directly or in subtle ways. I think it actually plays into how much we struggle culturally with accepting that women in particular do not owe the men in their lives affection and access to their bodies, whether they want to in the moment or not. It was part of the messaging that I got, that so long as I was under their roof, my body was not my own to control, or control access to, and I don't think parents realize how much damage it can do.
Another problem I see a lot is any conflict between siblings being treated as 'two sided', as in both parties are equally at fault, regardless of the transgression, the moment there is any disagreement. The emphasis gets put on not disagreeing in a way where a parent has to notice the conflict, rather than on having and respecting boundaries. The people I meet as an adult who were told they were equally at fault for disagreeing with a sibling, even if that sibling is abusing them or being verbally abusive, are the same people who act like I must be 50% at fault if someone I am close to abuses me or attacks me in some way. We model how we understand all interactions off of how we learned to interact with our parents and siblings, so its little wonder they think all abuse is equivalent to a "conflict" and all conflict must be "two sided". I can't count how many times someone has told me that I have to accept my half of the blame for being assaulted by an intimate partner, and then turned around and acted like they deserve their sibling calling them slurs for having "argued with them" still to that day. Again it plays into entire cultural issues and I don't thing parents realize what they are teaching their kids with this approach to addressing conflict or abuse.
This. ☝️
Interesting but also very upsetting to watch this as my Mum, I have found out through therapy since I broke down at Christmas, is a narcissist. Not only did she say and do all the things you mention but my brother (golden child) also joined in, especially with #1 he would say “after all mum’s done for you”. My mum when I visited or even in public gathering would often open with “oh you look ill. You’re running far too much” when actually I was feeling fit and well and that used to crush me. Everyone also knows that I was “a difficult birth and a pain to breastfeed” compared to my brother who was “easy and a joy”. At 54 I am really struggling with the loss of my mum whilst she is still alive (84yr) and the exhausted, empty place she has left me. When I once said no to her request for a visit with a friend her rage was shocking & the first text I got was “i can’t believe a son of mine is treating me like this”Thank you for your channel as it helps, albeit painfully, with my understanding of her abuse.
It seems to me that narcissists tend to trash everything that others enjoy that is not connected to them. It can be really soul-crushing.
I get it. My mom the master of the silent treatment, died 10 years ago when I was 50. She had a very rare, little understood, cancer, and she chose to let it run its course instead of a very harsh chemo that was not very successful in others. As a person in her inner circle who was not desperate for her to live longer at any cost, who wasn’t faced with losing someone they loved, I could be compassionate and respect her choice. She could call me when she was frightened and I could help her deal with it instead of sharing it and amplifying it. My father said he always told her to call me because I always knew what to say. I have never told him how I knew. It’s ironic that the person she withheld compassion from was the only one who showed it with her when she needed it the most.
Thanks for this, it's helpful to see it listed out. I'd add an 11 for parents who foster mistrust in anyone but them and limit outside influences. Guilt tripping for wanting to be with friends instead of them.
My mom has never once apologized to me. Some of the things in this video she also does/doesn’t do, but that one stood out to me the most because it’s most obvious. I think I’ve wound up overcompensating by apologizing too much even for things that I shouldn’t have to apologize for.
Same here. I remember my dad would sit me down and convince me to apologize to her instead because if I didn't she wouldn't speak to me for days. In her eyes, everything was my fault--I made her act the way she did.
Thanks so much for this. I’m 49 and still making sense of ways my parents behaved toward me in childhood, adolescence and early adulthood (and to an extent, still do). Looking forward to healthier relating between us soon. Good luck to anyone else dealing with this stuff too.
No offense, if ur still trying to understand and guessing their intentions.. It's clearly a red 🚩.. One can never understand them and they'll never change, it's what my experience has made me believe..it best to be on ones own path🙏
One of my parents did mostly everything that was listed. Thankfully, I cut contact with them and I’m on my healing journey. Thank you for all that you do Kati!💙
All the best on your journey. ✨
@@anju5124 Thank you.🙏🏾
Good for you! I did the same with my mother. I knew if I didn’t ring her she wouldn’t bother ringing me either. It was quite liberating to make that choice for myself. We didn’t speak for the four years before her recent death (which also means my family can no longer try and guilt trip me into contacting her). I feel quite at peace with my decision. I am sure she is in heaven being the religious nut she was and I hope she rests in peace, but she still hurt me many many times and nothing is ever going to change that.
@@plan4life You deserved kind, caring parents. I’m so sorry that you did not receive that. I wish you everything that’s good in life for now and into the future.
My mother would berate me for whatever I had done or not done or done incorrectly. It felt horrible but the kicker was that when she had said her piece, I was forced to kiss her and tell her I loved her. I have a very difficult time telling anyone that I love them outside of my dogs. I have not seen her in 10 years. Her 90th birthday is in January and I was considering going to visit her but, upon reflection, I don’t think I will.
It was only my mom and me. I feel like my whole existence is so that my mother has someone to always cry her heart out or or use as a punching bag. She made sure I realized that everything concerning her mattered more than I did. She wasn't there for me, physically and emotionally. She left me with other people for a huge part of my childhood. She never learned how to communicate so as a result I had to relearn it my whole life. We had a lot of arguments about the most little things (about chores and her unfullfilled expectations of me usually). It always ended in screaming and shutting doors. Later she'd come "If I die in a car accident tomorrow, you'd be sorry." That's always how we "solved" our arguments. I had an eating disorder my whole teenager years and maybe still. One day she confronted me in tears "do you have any idea how miserable you're making me". I have depression. I moved out fast and still had hope that I could somehow fix things. In the end, she was my mom and somehow I always felt sorry. As an adult I began to realize, that her behaviour was toxic. That it's not true that I'm worthless or too sensitive or that my feelings and my opinion don't matter. Fast forward, in 2023 I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years. All she did was telling friends and family that she now lost hope in getting grandkids soon. She knew that I never planned on having kids anyway. The next time we met she gave me a 60mins speech of how her life sucked and now the icing on the cake is that I broke up with him. I made her miserable again. No, she didn't ask how I was and what was up in my life. Last month I cut all the contact to her and her parents/my grandparents (they adore her and blame me). I often feel lonely now since I never knew my father and now don't have any family left. But I recognize that I'm better off without them and healing will take time.
I wanted to say thank you for your videos Kati, they help me alot while dealing with this.
I almost burst out laughing when you said to tell the parent "I can sense that you're angry . . . "
Once my mother was beating me up and my brother said "but relax don't get so upset" and she ended up freaking out even more! I think he did it on purpose.
My therapist told me I should change and "learn to relax" as my parents didn't look that bad on paper🤦🏻♀️
I’ve taken the dive on two of this person’s videos and I want to vomit. I feel so sick bc this was my mother, and in my community counseling and psychology were shunned and looked down upon. I’m thankful for this current age and this content that is pushing me and others towards help and healing. I just feel ill but I’m grateful.
My mother beat my voice out of me and kept me quiet and compliant for more than 50 years. When I found my voice again after many years of therapy, she still did not want to hear it. Only she couldn’t beat it out of me this time, and instead, cut me out of her life. She could and would never admit she hurt me and apologize and from the beginning of my life to the end of hers, her failure to see me, validate me and apologize to me when appropriate poisoned our relationship (among other sadistic, cruel and selfish behavior).
That video arrived at the best time possible. Only by just watching this video alone i am healing myself. I wish anyone who is dealing with those topics to know that you are not alone, and that you have what it takes to shift your reality to your greater good. Peace and love❤️
As an adult I have watched countless of these 10 things videos and I have never been more impressed. You give clear, honest, real information and advice you. Thank you for making this video. I work in child care and I will be sharing your video so others know when they over hear children saying their parents say this stuff they will understand how damaging it can be.
I was in tears by the time this video was done. I have a very toxic dad and my "mom" wasn't even there for me one bit.
My parents were probably 2 of these in my teen years, but otherwise a really good childhood. However... being exposed to a partners parent that is like 7 of these points almost destroyed me. I could see the problems but couldn't understand WHY her mom was choosing to do those destructive things and her whole family would jump on board with all of it.
Yeah it can be really hard when we have to engage with someone else's parents who aren't our own and who are abusive like this. I am so sorry you went through that. xoxo
“Jumping on board with it” is a way of protecting yourself. It’s important to note exactly which people are allowed to jump on board and which are not.
That’s the hardest part for me. My mom is 7 or 8 of these things my whole childhood and still today, but, as an only child and from a single mother home, no one seems to understand or they struggle to believe it, which has historically made me question my own sanity and internalizing everything as though I’ve been the problem all these years
U are lucky I've gone through all of these by both parents lol 😂😅💀☠
Thanks for this.
Another thing that my parents use to do is to compare me to my “previous version”, like if now I was a horrible person and when I was younger I was better, like if I´ve gotten worse. And they just say it, it is harmful.
Wow. That sounds so destructive. I'm sorry you had to experience that.
Most of these lessons are ones I didn’t learn until my thirties, after being raised by parents who displayed many of these traits and still do. The impact it has on my thoughts can be problematic, and your analogy of building a bridge between happy and sad thoughts was extremely helpful.
Same here❤😟🙏
It can take time for us to even recognize that what was happening was abusive and get help for it. I am glad my bridge statement idea was helpful!!! xoxo
my parents do apologize but they’re usually like “i’m sorry BUT” and excuse their own behavior
This video is very helpful. It made me realize that the years I spent in therapy were worth it. Most importantly it wasn't too soon for me to choose the exact date of the last appointment. I could have been wrong but it turned out to be a conscious decision.
I only began to set boundaries, as far as my parents goes, about a year ago. Cause both my parents are playing the « guilt card » all the time.
To be honest a 5 minute talk over the phone with my mother is plenty!
So now I know that it's ok to spend very little time with them. Both of them are abusive verbally.
They were abusive physically when I was a child. My mother hit me when I was maybe 6 years old.
My father beat the hell out of me one time, when I was in high school.
The good news it that I no longer feel hurt about the memories. Today I am proud of the woman I've become and I lead a very healthy happy life.
Thanks for giving us the tools we need to overcome the heartache.
I'm the youngest of 7 children and I hated getting compared to my siblings. There's a 15 year age difference between me and the oldest, it's not that crazy that I don't have my shit together as much as they do.
THANKS For this video.
Its so hard to deal with toxic and abusive parents, it doesn't matter how strong you are,your life will get affected. My mental health is a disaster and they dont even want to BELIEVE that i need help:)
And the fact that ive heard all this things from my parents millions of times:((
Your videos help me alot. Keep going🌟
My father and his wife have said every single one of these things to me and my sister many times. I had to go NC. Therapy is helping me be nicer to myself and learn to heal. I wish I did this 20 years sooner.
One i sometimes heard was: "[insert name] would be ashamed of how you're acting right now".
Usually it was one of my grandparents that i really loved, or a musician i idolized.
Thank you so much for this video, it was so very helpful. ❤
Happy new year!
🥺ouch - those kinds of comments hurt in a tangled way. It’s a way to cause a kind of lonely humiliation that’s jarring bc you don’t expect to feel humiliated when the important person isn’t actually there- double whammy. ❤
OMG - please move that candle away from the curtains to help stop my anxiety! :) What a great video - I have a lot to look into thanks to this. I found conditional praise was quite destructive, growing up "You've done well in your exams but make sure you keep it up" - didn't realise at the time that this equates to no praise. It explains imposter syndrome though. Thanks
My parents did a lot of this, if not all of it. I wasn't even allowed to have a lock on my door and if I wanted privacy, it was seen as suspicious. I hid a lot, but they listened into my phone calls sometimes, checked website addresses I'd tell friends about, and they'd just walk in my room whenever without knocking. Dad checked my computer history at random times during the week, and they always assumed the worst of me. He'd pick up journal entries laying in my room or read my notebooks too when I wasn't home. When I wanted to go to college for something, and I voiced it, I always got "You don't really want to do that. That'll get you nowhere. You should do this." Dad also often compared me to others after I graduated high school. I was the example of what not to do, even though I was being heavily abused by a boyfriend during my high school years and the abuse caused me to fail all my classes. I've got c-PTSD, a panic disorder, BPD, and other diagnoses, and I'm constantly paranoid when I hear sounds or if someone wants to look over my shoulder at something I'm doing. Even though I have nothing to hide on my phone, if a friend wants to see my pictures, I panic and decline. I've gotten better over the years, but my parents , along with my boyfriend in high school, eroded everything about me that should have developed well to be able to cope with life at the least. As I got older, it got worse and dad insulted my weight, put me down for enjoying art and writing, and constantly said I was a failure and they mocked me when I cried. They thought I lied about everything and they'd withdraw and give me the cold shoulder if I couldn't live up to their standards.
It's no wonder I'm so messed up, and I'm disabled and can barely function now.
This sounds exactly like my dad when I was growing up, and I'm also disabled, have bpd, and jump at the sound of a door being slammed because my dad physically abused me. I am so traumatized from my childhood that I've blocked out most of it and I can't remember them but when my siblings bring it up I bust out in tears not even remembering what happened. I flench without even noticing. And yet I'm still wanting my dad's love but I know deep down he will never give me any love. He's still always making snarky comments and never calls or reaches out. My heart is forever broken 💔 I'll never be good enough. He even has no pictures of me on his Facebook but he does have some of my brother if that says anything.... Children deserve better, we deserve better.
I’m a 25 year old watching this and still live with my parents. I agree the fact that some parents thinks that we are an extension. I come from a Filipino and catholic family. Which culture and religion values are significant. I highly respect the values, however for some of it I don’t agree. I find it very difficult to communicate it with them since they shut me down and call me names. Also, even uses health as a guilt-trip. Such as my mum saying “if your dad finds out you plan to move out with your boyfriend, unwed. He’ll have a heart attack” Because of that, I don’t know how I should approach it.
I can’t believe how 80% of this, are exactly my parents…
You just explained my whole family members. Even my siblings are toxic and narcissistic. If I try to get away ain't no telling what they're gonna say or do. 🤦🏽♀️ I struggle with people pleasing. 😢
I feel guilty even thinking my parents have been toxic towards me. Im grateful for the good things they have done for me. But I dont feel comfortable around them. They come off as judgy. My dad always tells me what not to do. And I learned as a child my mom is a gossip and cannot keep a secret. Its sad but I feel like I have to keep them at arms length...
This was so great, I really appreciate you making this. I grew up with two toxic parents, but now as an adult I have to deal with my partners toxic parents as well. I recently had to cut off my mother in law for doing almost all of these things to me, a 29 year old who’s with her son. My partner is struggling to deal with her and is afraid of standing up to her because she threatens that he will trigger her poor mental health if he stands up for himself or disagrees with her on anything. Trying to get him to try therapy.
I love my mom, I try my hardest to understand she's trying her best... But she's done much of this list, time and time again I tried talking to her about it and she completely derailed with how I'm making her feel like she's not good enough. because I think she's "a terrible parent"
It hurts because i genuinely want a healthy relationship with her, but I'm always on edge whenever I start to have any emotional duress because she can either be really supportive or really distant, and I never know how she's going to react. Especially when it's involving this stuff...
Damn. This is seriously like I wrote it myself. Sorry, mate. *Hugs* Give a hug to a kitty or other person in your life who actually feels safe enough to give it
My father used to tell me "You are not what I had in mind for a son." He never told me exactly what he wanted though. He just judged me as lacking and was angry at me all the time.
Thanks Kati! Why would a parent ask "What's wrong with you?" Was I supposed to make a list? Maybe tell them whatever it is, I must have inherited it? Even if it was just rhetorical, kids can tend to take things pretty literally. And parents tend to forget they were once kids too.
Of course Ray! And omg I should've added that one to the list.. making a child think that something is always wrong with them is very toxic and abusive. xoxo
I wouldn't say my mum is a toxic parent, but she has shown some toxic behaviours over the years. When I was a child, she commented a lot on my weight. As you can imagine, it didn't do me any good in the long run. She also used to make remarks about my style choices, mannerisms and such, which was particularly hard on me as a young queer child coming to terms with himself. It made me hide parts of myself for years.
Thankfully, we both go to therapy now, and we've been able to grow together and talk about these issues at length in family therapy sessions.
Thank you so much for the way you put things! It's not just what you are saying but how you are saying it and it makes a huge difference in helping people :)
thank you for adding that in the end about safety. None of those phrases would have been safe to say to my parent when growing up. But now that i'm grown up, i can definitely say those things. And, perhaps the option is still available to remove myself if things were to continue to be abusive. It doesn't always feel that way, so its good to pray about it.
Actually, I jumped from negativity land into positivity land when I got on thyroid medication. Make sure your physical health is good too! Get everything checked!
Yes!! Also a super important point!! Vitamin D can do that too!! xoxo
@@Katimorton I was thinking that as well! There's a lot that can contribute to mental health symptoms and it's good to hit all the bases. Also, thank you for replying! I'm a big fan of your work!
So many feels here.
Although I'm glad you mentioned safety. If I had said any of those actual non combative things I would have been severely punished (physical and emotional).
Thank you for being so compassionate and validating, Katie. This is a breath of fresh air in a culture of blame, suspicion, and judgment that surrounds children. Sure, parenting is hard (a.k.a., lots of kids will disobey and behave inappropriately), but treating children like third-class citizens or not even human is unhealthy and immoral.
I had all of this and so much more growing up. The two worst were being physically hit (and told that spanking is okay because it was done, literally, for millennia) and being name-called pretty much every insult thinkable.
Thanks also for telling the parents it is necessary to apologize at times. Another toxic thing I heard was, "I will NEVER apologize to you; who do you, a mere [insert age, ex., seventeen-year-old] think you are?"
Hi Katie, this video really hit home with me. I had all 10 of these with my father, growing up. I’m 54 years old, now, and still find I have a feeling of being “damaged” & less than. Not worthy on a very deep level. Thank you for this video! I don’t blame my father, he did the Best he could. I just think this is extremely enlightening and it makes sense with what I’m working on in therapy 50+ years later. This video makes total sense. Thank you!
I wish I would have known that last piece of advice sooner, I found this video after standing up for myself. I am in no way 100%, perfectly innocent in how I have dealt with my toxic parents. I am a young adult in college and it’s hard to not blow up for me because of resentment, putting myself in more danger.
Perfectly well put, thank you! ❤
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you so much for adding the part at the end about making sure of your safety. As a child, if I had said or done anything to stand up for myself, the one who was going to suffer for it was me, and as an adult looking back now I can see that even though I blame myself for not speaking up or asking for help, I was really just trying to keep myself safe.
I just found your videos and they’ve been really helpful for me to listen to. I know all these things that you are saying, i’ve done a lot of study in trauma, but just hearing you say all of them is very affirming and validating. I was extremely neglected and emotionally abused by a very toxic mother and family in general, and I did ok at life because I removed myself from the situation as much as possible, but now in my 40s, I am dealing with really trying to allow people into my life (especially after the stress of the pandemic) trusting, being open with my emotions and boundaries… it’s very hard. I’d love for you to do a show about adult survivors and what is appropriate to discuss with new friends. Not even dating, just friends. A lot of the time I hear “you are just too friendly” or things like this… from very privileged people, with loving families, who’ve never had to work for connection…
And I try to just be in the vibe of abundance and receive, and think, well these just aren’t my people… but I don’t want to disqualify so many people… lol
How do you teach people around you empathy? How do you get through to someone that your friendliness and want to have connection is not overwhelming or a threat to them? This world is so backward… i literally have told some people that I have gotten to know better eventually that I basically ate dinner by myself in my room for 15 years and when I finally got out of my mother’s house I was just so excited to meet the world… and people are just stunned that someone can grow up like this. And then they shames themselves internally for being such a jerk to me… and then when they see me they feel guilty because they had a good life and I did not. It’s really amazing. The human ego is really amazing.
Anyway, thank you, you are doing great work
Love seeing you friend your so inspiring to me helping me with my general anxiety disorder and cerabal palsy