This is true. I didn’t even know my family was the cause of it until less than a year ago, near the time I cut them off. That was the hardest thing I may have ever done, but it actually has worked. Nothing else I’ve done in life to try to recover had much effect, but this is obviously the way, if it is possible to fully recover. That said, I’ll never get back all the lost/stolen years. And that is a terrible thing to have to accept. But that also keeps me from going back.
@prohsodie grieving the lost years aka giving up any hope for a better past is hard and painful but essential step of healing. Welcome to the club, good luck pal
I’m 31 and got my first apartment alone a couple of months ago. Not living with family and friends has shown me how hurt I am. So much healing to do. While cooking I dropped something on the floor and my body reacted ready to be yelled at or judged but nobody was there….
Caught myself in a similar situation because I said out loud and to myself the comment I most often heard about myself from my parents. My words in that empty room shocked me. No one else was there. My words seemed to hang naked in space for me to examine. An epiphany.
A daughter with a narc father who is not abusive, just self-centered, may not notice it growing up because, as long as she adores him, he's happy. It's when she starts thinking for herself, and rebelling as a teenager, that he can demean and reject her because she is no longer the adoring little girl. Being rejected during puberty can damage a woman for a long time. Thanks for your videos, Jay.
@neptunesdreams Your comment resonates with me so much. I went no contact with my father decades ago, yet it only recently occurred to me how off it was that he couldn't tolerate me having expressed some negative feelings in a family therapy session. And he was a psychiatrist no less! He never said a word about it directly, but he asked my step-mother to ask me to go through some things in the attic. His house and garage where always exceptionally tidy and organized, but when I went in the attic I found my things from early childhood had been recently thrown around and drawing crumpled (there was no dust on them, and other family members' items were untouched). It was extremely disturbing--like someone had tried to symbolically eradicate me/my younger self. : - (
@@bellaluce7088 Wow, that's really fucked up. First, the fact that your narc father was a psychiatrist, and second, the fact that he may have acted out to destroy your things. My only response is to encourage you to realize his level of dysfunction, know that none of it is your fault, and try to get beyond it to live the life you were meant to live. 🧡
@@neptunesdreams Thank you for your kind words. I wish the same for you. : - ) I think he may have actually been mildly psychopathic if that's a thing (my mom was the narc). No one but him could have done that to my things, but I'm grateful for clues like that now. As you said, realize the level of dysfunction and know none of it was your fault. Best wishes to you! 💖
I was narcissistically abused from as early as I can remember, beginning at around age four. I didn't receive any guidance but managed to find some guidance in philosophy beginning at around age 15. At around 20 I had a brush with death and began taking my recovery very seriously from there. 10 years later I'm very much recovered, there is some work still to be done but I made it out. My anxiety around the future of my life is more or less gone. I hope this helps. Best of luck to everyone out there.
Thank you. Congratulations on your recovery! I'm still on my recovery journey. It feels good to embrace freedom from the emotional JUNK that's been dumped on you as a child.
@@ConstanceBrown-c5d Thank you. I relate too well to the getting dumped on. Your comment reminds me this day that ups and downs remain the downstream effects of narcissistic abuse perpetrated by parents. Though my self-perception has healed a lot over the years, I still triage my own life as a consequence of what happened. I don't want to give out false impressions. What has significantly changed is how much I take side with myself and have patience and compassion but there is always going to be hurt there. My formative role-models guided, misguided, shaped and disfigured me all at the same time and I hate and love them. I don't think the pain goes away but I forgive myself for suffering. Best of luck to you my friend.
My ex-husband who was my other abuser my mother was my first messages my son on his sin of denying his father and not respecting his father. But he does not delve into the quotes in the Bible about how a man should love his wife and family. Such as, A man should love his wife as Jesus loved his disciples. This quote he will never find. He claims to have found Jesus but he only finds the parts that serve him.
I know a little girl being sexually abused by her narc father, I've reported but nothing came of it. What can I do or say to her ? I've always sent gifts and try as best as I can as his x to show her I'm here for her
@@fire4myChrist that is really very difficult. Every country has a social service system and is supposed to respond and be accountable. Go at reporting again. Record for yourself this and the previous time. Write out for yourself- like a proper note. When you reported. To whom. How (eg: by phone) . What you reported (said or wrote). The response of the person receiving the report. The sad thing is that even on your next report, if you are responded to by a competent professional in a system that is workable, the abuse allegations may not be validated. The thing is that in time, in the future you have this very clear evidence for this child that you were there and you did something. Abuse upon abuse is no one seeing your plight and putting themselves out for you and being courageous adults. Unfortunately not always do valid proper reports come to light. But for the healing of the young person it can only help to know that someone was really trying for them and they were worth it. Keep in her life and her mother’s. I don’t know what part of the allegations not going further is connected to the mom. That is an important question. I know it may seem dismal in some ways. Perhaps some else here can share their thoughts on what I’m saying.
Fantastic video Jay! 18 years at home as the family scapegoat, maternal rejection from the beginning, not a single ally, then seamlessly moved into an 18 year long relationship with a very clever sociopath who has fooled the world that he is sweet and gentle. It took another 10 years to realise the truth about him and my family. Then I got myself into another long term pickle. So, that's why it's taking time to heal!! I'm 51 now and have now come such a long way with my recovery. Yes, persistence and patience are required. My message if you are struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel: just do your best, it takes as long as it takes, be really kind and gentle with yourself and try to meet some good people. Good luck and best wishes!! 💗
WOW!!! Our stories are very similar!!! We didn't deserve it!!! We were picked scapegoat because we saw through their BS and called them out. My malignant narcissist dad beat me thinking he could beat into submission. If someone has to tell their kids... "What happens within these four walls, STAYS within these walls! OR ELSE!!" Something's wrong PERIOD.
I’m so glad for your story . I’m just beginning…just discovered it. But yeah scapegoat, maternal rejection then when I tried to leave the attacks began . Anyway thanks for your story…
I'm going through this with my ex sociopath who has managed to fool most people,even the ones who kind of knew what he was like,somehow think he changed in 6 months🙄. I actually think he's worse than when he was out on the streets but backwards and forwards seeing me. At least then he stood a chance to get a clue instead of picking up a clueless manipulative girl as the new supply.
I have a similar story. I had two very narcissistic parents and married into a family who scapegoated me the way my family (and many others) did. I felt so deserved of maltreatment that the abuse from all of them got so extreme that I made my final of many suicide attempts...until a hotline referred me to an online support site. I was 58. I had a flash of insight into the truth of what I had endured for sooo long. It took a few years but I stopped putting up with the horrific treatment and went no contact with the family, my crappy mother in law died and my husband finally got into AA. Now in my older age I’m free of narcissistic abuse. I’ll never recover from the immense damage that so many people did. At least I can finally have some respite from it and hopefully heal my nervous system and body a bit. Good luck to you on your healing journey as well. Sorry for rambling.
I'm 64. The scapegoat (which I didn't even realize until my siblings pointed it out.) My narc mom died two years ago. I'm still struggling to stop thinking about the abuse.
Being involved with a narcissist can be perplexing, as they have a knack for distorting reality to serve their own interests. My current state of confusion stems from initially believing I had found the ideal partner. He embodied everything I had ever desired in a man and initially presented himself as my greatest supporter. However, sporadic shifts in his behavior left me feeling off balance, especially when I discovered his involvement with a woman from his college. These revelations shattered his promises of fidelity, leaving me with a desire to leave, although I'm uncertain how to proceed. In my pursuit of clarity, I sought the assistance of a cybersecurity expert, who successfully accessed his phone, retrieving all WhatsApp and text messages, both deleted and undeleted, as well as messages from his emails. Armed with this evidence, I now have the proof to confirm his narcissistic tendencies, and I am taking immediate steps to initiate divorce proceedings. If you suspect your spouse may be unfaithful and require similar assistance, you can reach out to this Instagram
I'm the older daughter, truth teller, scapegoat. I was punished with tasks that improved my life skills. I wa neglected when I did cooking, repairing, tending duties. I coped well when I got out of that system. Life became easier. My sister is the golden child. She is prettier, smarter, outgoing, more accomplished. She did a lot more hoop-jumping, for a longer period. She is out too, but still struggling to heal.
Jay, Thank you for this help. I had all three factors against me. I'm now 70, and I'm beginning to heal up, by going no contact with a golden sibling. Even when narcicisstic parents have left this earth, their beliefs about a scapegoat are planted inside the cells and nervous system. Siblings may become the persecutors. When I look back at some of my teachers and adults who were good to me, I feel sort of saved, and reliving their smiles helps to protect me from vicious memories. Once I saw sheep running to surround baby lambs, when a hawk was circling. I hope this image helps people. You have helped us all.
Yes John, I hear you I’m younger than you and yes I had all 3 and then married a nasty who could hide it so well. Oh my god… I too have the sibling thing, the continued warped abuse. I have “stepped aside” even tragic death of a sibling didn’t shift them towards reality or basic decency. They are all well functioning people from the outside. I too had moments of kindness with teachers, that carried me far. My art teacher when I was 12 was so so lovely. My critical mind couldn’t take that away, despite trying hard; because her unspoken loveliness went in, that was the total opposite to the experience of all the other stuff, I’m only now making sense of how when my mother was not being violent and tyrannical she was still being abusive, bad vibes the absolute opposite to good vibes. And us little kids picking this up all the time, in what was supposed to be the ok moments. God love us all. We were put through hell. It is such a relief to have such good information from Jay and to be believed and it not keep going back to “ what made them like that etc”. That’s the only psycho education that was volunteered to me, then about my siblings, I was told it was my lacking boundaries. Talk about poor selectivity of information. I’m now interested to know what happens with us with some people, therapists in particular, who with our story do not see us as we are and distort the abusive behaviours of people in our present day life. If we were completely broken or addicted then they’d most likely get that. I had some experiences of poor therapy and one therapist where I can only call it therapy abuse. They were all properly trained. I have a sense inside myself that this was something to do with her scapegoating me.. Yes the sheep protecting the lambs is a striking image indeed. Especially too when sheep are considered the dumbest of all animals and hawks smart. Something worse than no therapy is bad therapy. We are very fortunate to be living with good access to technology, despite so much of its challenges and it’s less positive effects and indeed negative effects on the youngsters reared through it. Every generation has its own challenges of the time. TH-cam is only about 13 years old- imagine that! I wish you well in life. It is no exaggeration to say that Dr Jay Reid’s work here is a service to humanity.
Hello Mellie, Actually I am Laurie, John's wife. I just am not tech savvy, so I don't know how to have Jay's wonderful videos come to my email. Anyway, I want to tell you about the most wonderful teacher Mr. Brown. I had him for fourth grade. When I look back at my class pictures, his is the only one where all the kids are all laughing and smiling. When I read his obituary, it stated, that he wanted each child to become who God meant them to be. He created a classroom where we all felt safe and loved. It was truly a taste of heaven! May we live lives where we alleviate suffering where we can, including our own. ♥
I was lucky enough to be raised by my loving grandmother for the first 5 yrs of my life until she died of cancer. Without her I wouldn't have the small base of self-worth that I do. I miss her every day. She was the world's most perfect woman. ❤❤❤
My father is the Narcissist and my mother did not protect me from his relentless abuse, in fact she made excuses for him. I didnt start to recover until I moved to a diffferent country but it's early days still. They had me so convinced that I was the problem in the family and its still hard to see myself as a person. |I'm now 42 and my past is just starting to make sense. Thanks for this Video Jay, spot on as usual, you really get the psyche of the malignant narcissist.
I also moved to the UK from Appalachia to get out of striking distance. No distance is far enough but it helped so much. I felt like my life had finally begun and felt real. The hate from them teally ratcheted up though. I was no longer there to blame everything on. So they started in on my younger brother. But he was more willing to take it than I was.
I'm so happy to hear others stories. I am about to move to Canada for a while at least, hopefully permanently. I'm just waiting now for someone to buy my house and then I will be free.
@@rs5570 Can anyone help with getting your brother out of that situation ? You're overseas, so you maybe can't help. But perhaps someone in the area can ?
When I was about 15 I was going to mandatory religion classes with my best friend. The teacher asked if anyone was having problems in their life that the class could pray about. My friend said “Mary’s mother is always picking on her.” The teacher said. “OK, class pray for Mary and her mother.” When I got home my mother started up with her criticizing. My enabler father said “Leave her alone. Stop picking on her!” When I went back to class the teacher asked “So did things get better for you and your mother?” I told how my father told her to stop picking on me. The class giggled and found it amusing. However, it was quite profound to me because it is the only time that my enabler parent stood up to her for me.
When I was 33 my dad stood up for me- everyone at the table was shocked. Mommy dearest ruined every Holiday- Birthday etc. I’m 63 and no contact. Divorced from Narc as well. I’m 17 years healing.
It took 2 years to get better I’m angry that this ex did this to me and I know it was on purpose the reactive abuse was something that I’d never experienced he met me when I was recovering from 3tbi I was vulnerable but not weak I fought for my life and found myself trauma bonded to a man that never EVER too responsibility for any of his actions two years of ruminating about what I did wrong and blaming myself for not just giving him what he wanted (my body) before I was ready … he nearly destroyed me but as awful as it sounds I caused a collapse and I’m glad I did it … I would weeep for hours and not ONCE. Did he come to hold me … he knew I was healing from a concussion and tried his best to break me and I’m not someone you can break … period
"A nervous system wired for ongoing threat," thank you for giving me the words for what I experienced from a young age and still have in my hardwiring, to some degree.
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
I once worked for a doctor, who said, this is a "cruel season". Last year it felt good to cut snowflakes out of colored tissue paper, and to tape them on a window. It feels like selfcare to work with your hands. It defies the narcicisst's system. We're like snowflakes--each unique. We were not made to fit into a template, but to become who we were meant to be. Laurie
Amen. Painful to go to things, because you'll be picked on, excluded, made to feel 'other'. Painful not to go, because it will be taken as proof that you don't care and are the 'bad one'. Painful too because of the deep awareness that we were in fact the best of the bunch growing up, and our goodness was used against us.
This made me cry, just to hear you describe the less fortunate reality, with no support, no holding the narcissist accountable. That’s what I experienced, and still do. I’m 38 years old and still live with my Narcissistic mother, although I finally made the decision to stop speaking to her altogether, which has saved my life. But of course there’s still been zero accountability from anyone. I am slowly, so slowly, digging myself out of this hole, but it’s really hard and lonely. I’m working with a therapist, who I really like, but who unfortunately doesn’t have real knowledge of Narcissistic abuse. :/
Patience and compassion for yourself is vital to healing from those abusive relationships. Not doing things which did not feel authentic tome helped as well. Thank you.
So true. I had a narcissistic parent and could never figure out why I didn't deserve love. I finally know the WHY... I am a survivor. I discarded the person. Being 72 years I never knew why I picked toxic people. I now know why... My mother. I actually have a psychology degree, but, never realized narcissism and how it affected me until now. I am stronger now for it. The WHY is very important. My father was an enabler. He never told me about my mother. He died at an early age. I think that is why I was close to my father. That is why I am recovering faster.
I really like this channel, Jay has somehow managed to put into words everything I experienced as a kid and now as a grown man am finally putting my life together based off of what I realized what went in they here and with my own therapist. I feel after 35 years now a grown man I can finally begin to live
Jay, thank you for your videos on narcissism. I endured an emotionally- and physically-abusive childhood with a narcissist father where my mother did not protect me and the abuse started at a very early age. For many years I could not understand that I had endured serious trauma until I took the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) test and the Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) test and found that the results clearly showed that I had been though criminal abuse. Both of these tests are used by therapists and the courts and are very well accepted as yardsticks for measuring emotional trauma. In fact, I learned of the ACE test when I happened to read how an Ohio judge had ordered the ACE test to assess trauma in the case of Bresha Meadows who was forced to use deadly force to defend herself against her father's physical and sexual abuse. After I was surprised by my high scores on both the ACE and C-PTSD I was forced to admit to myself that I had to take my father's abuse seriously and it was only then that I began to make real progress dealing with my past trauma. Jay, can you please do a video or videos about both of these tests and how objective ACE and C-PTSD results can help other victims of narcissism recognize that they have indeed suffered real trauma and loss? Again, thank you for all that you do to help victims.
John Hagen please look at Dr Deborah Lee. The traumatised brain. It’s a very short TH-cam video. Unfortunately I don’t know how to add the link. Compassion to you - I know what you mean over the ACE Scores. And C-PTSD scores. It is very helpful to have this space to say it and be truly witnessed. Compassion to you.
I at the ripe age of 35 years am truly healing. Online energy healings and monitoring my defenses really saved me. My online therapist, support group and energy healer. Some good friends, really saved me! The internet saved me otherwise I would just be going in circles for the rest of my life 😮
Thank you Jay, for this helpful video. Along with the mentioned three factors in the video, I personally also believe that one another factor could be how much time it took for you to realize what you were going through wasn't normal, to question it, and to start living in defiance to it, while showing willingness to understand and examine what truly happened to you. So for example; if a person in their teens realized that the relationship that they had with their parent wasn't normal when they compared it to other healthy parent child relationships, starts investigating about it, and tries to get help- their healing process will be different from another person going through same situation, but realizing it later on in their life about what truly happened and slowly coming in terms with it. The latter might take a bit longer to recover than the former.
My very empathetic husband helps to make this recovery journey easier. He has allowed me to talk about all my feelings with his full support. He is my "safe" person.
Another comment after being through narcissistic people in life was that I would wait to feel the worst or self hatred and very negative self-talk that really diminishes my life. I would attract really toxic people into life for being too kind and my kindness was taken for granted
There has never been a video/topic you illustrated that I could not relate to. That circumstance has been pertinent in that I slowly but surely moved away from gaslighting myself and no longer felt as if it was me “making it all up“. Another big hurdle you helped me see (so I could eventually overcome it) was that my father was the enabler parent via the video you titled as such. I first fell into the hole of the psychological orphan (only child) that I couldn’t yet bare at the time, however, you cannot un-realize something that has produced a cognitive equilibrium. Eventually, (sitting in the chair, writing down self inquisitory questions and answers to my core distortions) I, in an instant, became angry. And I mean angry. At my father. The knot had busted finally. It must have been 15 minutes of externalizing the anger. Eventually, I was able to see the grey area. The way he really was, all of him. Not just the bad or the good, but all of him. Thank you for all your efforts and all you do. On a side note: For all the times we struggle with the, in the beginning, seemingly strange concept of self-compassion, and while it is certainly an individual path under the blue print of a concept that we all can connect to, I just wanted to mention that, when reading the comments on your content, the sharing of how each of us personally relates to the concepts you discuss, evokes compassion, understanding, relating. Through that, we can bridge the gap to self-compassion and also just knowing that there are others in existence that have embarked on the journey of recovery. Sometimes, we just look for someone to bear witness to what troubles us. A safe place to express ourselves that does not come at the expense of “good advice”. Thank you for being You! Edit: I left see above-comment before I watched your video. Again, you are spot on with everything you are highlighting. I also fall into the category narcissistic parents-> narcissistic partner-> feels familiar and goes unquestioned until the day it does not anymore.
I had an overt narcissist dad, who terrified everyone, a covert narcissist mum who was the ringleader and an older golden child narcissistic sister, who spent my life bullying me and treating me with disdain. It was after my mom went off with my abusive ex for the family Christmas holiday we had planned and left my son and me at home after I told her we were getting divorced, that I knew I needed to get away from all of them. I was 54. I moved continents to start a new life and have gone no contact with all but one brother, whose daughter is getting married on 1st July. I feel sad to be missing her wedding, but I cannot allow myself to run the risk of their emotional abuse. I declined the invitation. The people that matter do understand. I need to focus on moving forward and I keep in touch with my therapist via zoom now. She has been my lifeline to sanity.
This is going to help me and my Son tremendously. I was trying to protect my son from the abuse he told me about, was able to obtain a restraining order. The problem is he is 7 and feels conflicted to share with other people and obviously loves his Dad despite the abuse. So it hurts to hear at home everything he’s lived and now after everything his Dad will get custody again. I have felt helpless in this situation as I can’t pressure him to speak otherwise you get accused of coaching the child. This content will help me navigate the journey my Son will have to live, it kills me to know he is being returned to his abuser but I’m glad he was brave enough and felt supported enough to open up to me. I just pray for his safety.
I finaly fully "get it" at 37 and was leading a life of self distruction. I know now that I have to be the part of my life that I lacked from my exteral world growing up to become whole. Beleaving in myself and holding myself accountable is the only way to do that.
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
I got sober 6 yrs ago at 43 and only then did I start understanding how deeply abused I was. Covert narcissists raised me. Mom and her boyfriend and eventually husband. My father is toxic and self centered and absent, as well. My only sibling, my older brother, was sent to live with our dad when Rick moved in and took over. My mom and Rick only cared about their company they started and ran successfully while I had a set of keys given to me at seven and a chore list to be done by 6:00 pm. Not 6:01! At 49 I’m finally understanding and seeing the abuse that is still happening. What a trip! I feel like I’m waking up from the brain washing of a cult! Now it’s almost no contact time. Grieving my childhood while staying in contact with my narc mother has lead to fully waking up. This channel is right on time! Jay you are a true hero! Thank you!!!!
Still working on making sense of it all that's the biggie for me. which is not only still ongoing but also feels like it's ramping up as i work on making sense of it.
Interesting. I've been recovering for 2 years after a lifetime of abuse. In my experience, as the fog has lifted more and more, many, many things have come up that I've suppressed for a very long time. It's been very relieving because I am now able to see those memories, make sense of them, (realize it's wasn't my fault), and let them go. I am healing. I can see it for real. It's a wonderful transition. Peace to you.
I've had to pretty much disconnect from my entire family becasue even my dad who was also abused by my mom and split up with her is still controlled by her and he is Gaslighting me asking if the things I'm saying are true I don't understand how he still doesn't see 🤬
My parents were good at looking after my physical needs and even for my hobbies were helpful but emotionaly my best result were to be ignored and worst were antagonistic to my emotional wellbeing.. Find it hard to forgive for that.
Its excruciating to witness narcissistic people get all life’s ‘goodies’ But I’m on the path of recovery and love your three steps of awareness,, distance and defiance - they are so so clear and powerful. I’d love a video on “assessing where you are at on the recovery path” I keep causing myself suffering by trying to do things way beyond my resources. When I should be in bed, I’m trying to join a gym, apply for funding, develop career. It’s terrifying to give in to one’s true state of trauma, but it’s the only way to get well. I’d love to have some clear concept of the path for the next few years. It’s exhausting to keep trying to get a career on track and have humiliating knock-backs that happen because I’m traumatized, but the feedback I get is to ‘try harder’ - which is totally the wrong thing.,
It sounds like freeze response. That's where I'm stuck in. The first years after the "awakening" I was in fight and flight. Now I'm trying to get more information about somatic theory and exercises. Also TRE or trauma release exercise. Severe scapegoating affects all aspects not only psychological and emotional but also physical and spiritual.
I'm 37 and just discovering all of this in the last year and prior to these videos popping up I had no idea wtf happened other than it was a nightmare a scapegoat
I came across your TH-cam channel today and I absolutely love and appreciate and validate how you explain so throughly about All the narcissistic relationships terms and toxic traits! Towards the end of your video I slowly felt the warm tears of gratitude start to roll down my face not because I was sad but because I felt validated and thankful that I finally escaped my narcissistic relationship and although I still feel guilty for leaving, I validate myself enough to know that I am on my journey to healing and becoming the best version of me without the narcissistic telling me otherwise! Oh it’s such a wonderful feeling to be free and at peace. And Btw I most Definitely Subscribed Right away !Thank You again and to everyone out there going through their own beautiful journey of narcissistic abuse “You Got This!” “Keep on Going!” 😊 ❤
Thank you so much Jay, as I see so many here say thank you for the same reasons. Thank you to everyone commenting telling their story. For me, I can echo what so many of you are saying, also the way people are able to say it here, to connect one’s lived experience to what we are hearing and learning, I think is a result of the support, skill and generosity of Dr Jay Reid.
I believe both my parents have some form of narcissistic behaviors. As an almost senior adult I moved back home to help my parents per their request. They didn't want to help me out financially and I ended up having too move out. My parents now have forgotten they requested me to move home. It is an absolute nightmare. To add to the story my step family who all live within a ten mile radius were not trying to do anything to help. All are upset I am helping our parents. They are so concerned due to the fact of a financial gains if something does happen to our parents that I might get something more. My stepsister was almost successful at getting them to divorce before I arrived. My Mother has PTSD from years of abuse but she won't leave and my step father has been diagnosed with White Matter Disease. There is an abundance of negativity and criticism towards me because my mother tries to treat me the way she gets treated. Many times I put her in check. Its a horrible reality and I am so thankful for the awareness you and Dr. Ramami bring to this platform. Because of you I understand better how to deal with my parents. And I depirately try to use a kind and loving approach. It isn't always receive as kind and loving but now I know the reason why! Many thanks, from Oregon!!
Im 32 and will be moving out of my nmom's place after i moved back with her at the start of covid. Lets just say moving back with her reinstated a lot of trauma and j suffered many severe health problems. I now have a job offer hours away and am in the process of getting out. I am never coming back this time. They are absolutely detrimental to your health and well-being.
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
Jay you helped me again. I have to do a work now but I will take 1 more our to myself because you have inspired me. That quote is very true. The narcissistic parent is one thing. But NOBODY around me, mother, grandparents, teachers, neighbors, stepmothers, stepfathers, airplane pilots or soccer players, not a fucking single real man or woman with a sane mind came and said: "You idiot, you can not and will not do this to that child, or I'll..". And it feels like after the abuse that "the world" says it is okay.
Thank you for your videos! I believe I was saved somehow or some ..., by my grandmother, my grandfather played some part too, and my aunties... all of them behind the dors, when I was too small and they were unaware of my presence. For me, it meant the world! I "saw" my parents without their masks since 3-4 yo. Was sad and ugly anyway .
Well, according to your analysis, I fall into the worst case scenario and explains why my recovery is taking so long. Narc mother, enabling father, unknowingly married abusive narc, no family support when I left him, no other surviving family, narc spouse did smear campaign and alienated his whole family from me. I'm in my mid 60s and totally alone.
Same as my experience, I am in 60’s. Narcs are sick people, you are a survivor. You are stronger and brave. Enjoy yourself, nature and each day loving yourself. 🤗
Well, it was different for me. I did feel conflict when I experienced narcissistic behaviours from my then partner and they were not only hurtful but also strange, so I knew something was wrong. My family did not support me, they basically didn't care and once my mum even said she wasn't going to comment as she didn't know his side of the story :/ I was left with no support. Psychologists were not helpful at all, did not recognise abuse, it was 10 and more years ago, not a popular topic like today, I was even blamed for it and told I was needy, egoistic and my partner was normal or that he was an adult child of an alcoholic or masculine or whatever but not that he was abusive and narcissistic. I really did seek help and felt something was wrong from early on. It's true my family was neglectful but I was not the scapegoat and directly abused. Oh well, I guess it checks out maybe - I was confident enough to know stuff was wrong but no one cared to confirm my intuition.
I use to feel safe when there was visitors at our home .I use to beg the visitors to take me with them when they were leaving and my mum would beat me up to death for that .more times I couldnt tell if I was dead or alive .at young age I started comparing my life with other children .like when I go to my cousin's houses and I find them being themselves ,I was getting enivious or wishing if my mum would treat me like that .Only to have freedom when my mum passed on after 37 years with her in my entire existence .its now 5 years since her departure and I found out about narcissism when she is already gone and I grieved more and more .one day I grief that I didnt get the time to discus all this with her .one day I wish she was here so we can make things right .I had mixed confusing feelings ,one day I feel like i am being ungreateful for being her child ,one dah I am thankful that at least she didnt kill me ,because of the way I was beaten up and all the bad treatment ,one day I wake up thinking maybe it was not that bad I am just exaggerating it goes on until one day I was not well ,I missed her so much ,and I cried all day all night and I managed to forgive her .now am feeling more better if I want to blame her too much ,she was raised in a narcisisitic family as well and it became a chain ,so I am breaking it for my children .I left their father as well and it was bad
In my family it was my father who was the tyrant, & my mother was the weak enabler. I used to pray that my father would get run over & be killed or contract an illness & die just so that my mother & i could have peace. I, like you, used to look at other famies & wish i was their child. It was always different when we had visitors - they never knew what hell it was. But then my mother became very cruel towards me - the only power she had in the family was over me, eventhough i used to stand in front of her to protect her & take the blows my father reigned down on her. I, too, experience the thoughts you've had that maybe i'm being selfish as others have worse, or that maybe it wasnt that bad.My mother passed 10yrs ago & i only started to find out about narcissism 5yrs ago. I didnt realise it but i married out of one dysfunctional family & into another but this time it was my husband's mother & she was sneaky with it - covert - & would try every teick in the book to keep her sons from leaving her. She hated me with vengeance because i took her lityle boy away from her & she made damn sure she wasnt going to lose her other son in the same way so she convinced him he was too ill to have a life - she would make up illnesses for him & delight in taking him to the doctors & hospital. She died 2yrs ago & he's still there, on his own now & i wonder how he is as she never used to let him lift a finger. She brainwashed everyone in the family against me. Most of the people who caused me so much pain have now gone but my father's still alive in his late 90s & still controlling but now acting like a child. If i try & help he regards it as interfering, but if i back off & give him his space he sees it as i dont care so, as usual, i cant win. Others in the family & his friends all pander to him & think how marvellous he is - they dont know the truth of what he is & what hell he caused. His father - my grandfather - was violent towards him & Incest was rife in the family, but my father had a choice to not let that happen to his own children. Like you, I wish i could've discussed it all with my mother but all we can do is try & make peace with ourselves & break the chain - it stops here with us as we are determined our own children will not go through what we did but life's not easy when the nervous system is shot to pieces & the medical profession doesnt understand. I think your grief coming out was necessary & has helped you - i've yet to reach that stage. We must take heart & stand firm in the truth - the truth of what we know happened - it doesnt matter what others think because we know the truth & we forge ahead out of the darkness into the light. I wish you well on your healing journey.
How Long does it take to Learn and Thrive in a Whole New Cultural Expierience 💞 Here's to Brighter Tommorrows ✨️ Thanks Jay for Offering a Strategy Guide to this New Life. Respect
Thank you for this lovely systematic framework to game out 'Making sense of what happened'. I am hopeful it will be helpful to have some tangible questions to examine and to decrease unproductive rumination.
I’ve been going through the healing process from narcissistic abuse for three years now and today tears came to my eyes associated with emotional pain from a memory
When one becomes no longer emotional or reactive to other things. Triggers do not respond. Why? Gotcha moment. Rise above. Put the picture in perspective, so, rise above, get a better view. Like hot air 🎈 ride. The decision, how to calmly quietly peacefully depart away from, not even a tether or leash. And no obvious hard feelings. 🤺💐
Empirical observation is very important, everything mentioned in your video is "spot on," my ex-MIL was a narc, and she instill those beliefs on my ex-wife. Initially she was witty and charming, but later things got worse and worse as her true personality started to show.
I'm 34 and my nervous system was so bad I could barely stand or even think/function after reminiscing about what was done to me... from energy vampires and chronic fatigue, constant intrusion into my personal life ...😫 I felt really alone and invalidated and unwanted most of my life and had to suffer without any help because I thought if I sought help if it would be considered a weak thing in my mind. Verbal and psychological abuse is still painful to think of and I'm not sure if it will still be ongoing but I have to deal with a lot of abandonment and self abandonment which led to a lot of emotional and mental breakdowns which led to physical problems and not being able to perform daily tasks or even function that well since it was then attract more narcissists and more emotionally abusive people. Suppressed, timid, feeling socially awkward. Feeling neglected was the worst feeling...
@@nicholecornes1915 no I'm not out now I'm still stuck in a very horrible place called Unity Saskatchewan Canada and it is a small town that is made up of the worst people ever imaginable it is like a narcissistic cult that demonizes me because they don't accept me. I suffered years of heartbreaking devastating neglect n and every other sort of psychological abuse because of the bitter they have towards me
@@nicholecornes1915 the bars here is like walking into a Minefield full of entitled intrusive demonic people. These people say the meanest things and they are scary looking and they're glutinous and they're ugly. I am stuck in the middle of a 2400 populated small town full of people that don't like me and they never showed me empathy and I'm always agitated and depressed here. They killed my dog and they make fun of a close people that I have died my life and they call me ugly but I'm not and they stalk me. And they play psychological mind games on me and they try to manipulate everybody against me to isolate me. It is the most ugliest town to ever live in
I got the abuser away from me. THEN,.. THEN,..THEN,... these videos turned up. I had no idea there had been a program being leveled against me by my family. I accepted being stolen from, marginalized, ignored and disrespected as just the way life is. It did come to an end. I moved away. These videos, Dr. Wise, Mrs. Joyce all these videos, you watch about fifteen to twenty and you come to this grand, AHA!! HOLY CRAP!! I don't deserve to be treated like sh%t!! That is not normal. There are typical things that people can say to you through out your life. "Why do you let people treat you like this!", "Why do you work so cheap!" "Why do you have no respect for yourself!" None of that has any real meaning if It's all you have ever known. Now because of this video series I realize my value. I write screenplays, music songs, books. I'm really talented. I never got a moments recognition from anyone in my family,... never. That was then. This is now.
Adopting the promises of the Bible is a powerful start because it is BASED on you accepting God’s pure love which requires the abuse victim values him/ her self FIRST
@@HeartFeltGesture yes, of course and for those who are in the “if any” group I hope the concepts of True Self can give some sense of our intrinsic value, just by existing that others may get through a concept of a god form. And we could do with all the help we can get, to get closer to a sense of our true worth, even a glimpse would be good.
I t feels unbelievably exilirating to feel free and no longer care. Like taking off your ahoes after anlong day in tight shoes. Trust me. Let go, cry, scream. Get it out. The other side feels amazing ince youre free
But also wanted to mention I’m in therapy I was diagnosed severe ptsd I’m so much better as time goes by but at times it’s hard but I’m getting there thanks for your video
Making sense of the relationship will depend entirely on one’s ability to stand by one’s sense of what happened. But this mastery of subjective truth is precisely what one lax see if one was raised by narcissist and therefore liable to falling for narcissist later as adults. One helpful fact is that narcissists will inevitably accuse you of the dirty things that they can selves demonstrate but cannot see. So, everyone can see that, it’s at least helpful in the way of confirmation. To come to peace with what happened, one must develop the very sense Of “subjective truth” That is lacking in those of us who are raised by a narcissist, and later in life inevitably fell for your gaslighting. So one way to look at this is that recovering from narcissistic abuse is the hard but necessary road to gaining ownership of one’s own truth, and to grow up beyond the narcissistic limits of our families of origin. It’s a tough slog. But at least if we do that tough work, perhaps our kids won’t have to Dash they can have their own problems.
I think my grandmother was a narcasisst. If not, she was a toxic human. My dad definitely has trauma/ narcasist tendencies. Now at 27 I've been looking back on my childhood. Thankful I can start the healing. I love my family but I was never taught to love myself.
you might have been conditioned against it all your life by these abusers. but you can CHOSE to love yourself and pour in to yourself. protect yourself and choose yourself every day. reminding yourself that you didn’t die, you survived, and what couldn’t kill you made you stronger. once you feel that, that’s the most empowering stance to have after abuse. you might be in pain and recovering but you are strong and you can make a better life for yourself. you’ve already survived
I had no support from both sides his and my family. Devastating. Amazing to see how the one true person gets devalued while the abuser gets all the support.
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
My mother told me she was afraid of my narcissistic father..though she knew what he was doing was wrong. My Aunt told her "you're going to ruin this child". They are both gone, I am here. This all started at a very early age..mother, father and a big family. I'll always remember the words mother said to our abusive father, "you're not going to put me in the nut-house".
I would add to Dr. Jay's either/or about how the unfolding happens is that for the second scenario, it can also look like that the person is initially treated overly nicely by the narcissistic partner (some call it lovebombing) but then at some point the narcissistic partner starts becoming abusive, and many times they alternate between being overly loving and being abusive (intermittent reinforcement). This can be very disorienting and hard to let go of and blaming oneself, jumping through all sorts of hoops and trying to figure out what happened and chasing crumbs of the better times. It can also cause us to walk on eggshells and either make our worlds very small, slide into self destructive behavior to try and cope, or compromise ourselves to not set the other person off, never really knowing what might rock the boat. If we look at our earlier lives, this pattern often replicates an earlier pattern from a parent/cargiver.
Short answer approximately 1 month per year of abuse. 5 years = 5 months. You don't have to condone, forget, or learn to like. No! If you are stuck living working with the narc.... get therapy... you're not crazy but as much validation and tactics and friends you can get around you... the more revitalized you will become.
Things get better when you dont engage with the individual. Wisdom and boundaries. Dont let your energy be drained by a parisite. No contact. You dont owe anyone anything , be they partner, parent or sibling . YOU MATTER. Remove yourself from toxic humans , find your own tribe, seek out people same as you , good people, authentic people, not crazy making ,drama making abusers.
I'm 34 and my perception of people is not good at all. I perceive people as a very self-centered greedy scary untrustworthy and to keep my distance so I don't suffer from any sort of emotional or psychological abuse and torment that I've known.
How long will it take to go contact free and go to therapy and heal your inner child. I don’t think you can ever heal but you can build a new identity.
Please Jay. I don’t know what to do. My elderly covert/vulnerable narcissistic birth person is making me want to unlive. I can’t heal bc I am still being abused. 52 years as a scapegoat is exhausting. I don’t know what to do. Please help me Jay.
I healed through being the scapegoat in my family, then I realized unhealthy adults had the same patterns. I have had to try to build relationships, and when I get used heal.
Well I guess I am screwed. I have been trying to recover but it seems impossible. No protection, both parents were abusive, 20 years of it. I can't shake the feeling of being disgusting, ashamed of who I am to the core and deserving of bad things that come my way. It seems to be in my bones, part of me. It wasn't just the physical abuse of being tied up and beaten, bitten, slapped but also the humilation of words, told I ruined their lives, being a burden like I owe them a debt I can't pay, being spit at and my parents being two faces in public.
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
I am studying this for 5 years now since I realized that my family is a narcissist family and I have no support of anyone. Sometimes I fall back on hope and think I will never fully recover,since the pain is so big. the suffering seams too big most of the time...
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
I can tell you this, a narcissitic mother will make you think you're unworthy of happiness. In my 20's and partly 30's whenever I brought a guy to "Meet my mom" (many times at his request) it would not turn out well. She would praise my deceased sister who was a nurse highlighting how smart she was however, while she was alive she only got berated and called 'Bitc&es and whores. Then once he leaves, she assures me that he's a very decent young man and wouldn't want me b/c I'm not 'Classy' enough. A narcissitic mother will always let you know you're 'never ENOUGH'.
You know what finally did it for me? How i finally came to terms with it. I finally accepted that the person who i married was a zombie, the walking dead, she died when the dream was over and she could be herself. I had to mentally kill the idea of who i thought she was because the person i loved never existed. I live with a ghost of a person that never existed.
I am 59 years old and only the last three months or so did I finally figure out that my mom was / is a narcissist. I am not sure if I will ever be able to fully recover. My mother has only ever wanted me to be an ignorant little boy that she can easily control and manipulate. The only love that my mother has ever given me is a very superficial love based on her being in control and constantly being praised. I had a very close personal friend of mine that passed away unexpectedly. I had more empathy from my next door neighbor than my mother is even capable of giving me. She does not understand this at all. I am not mad at her I would say, I more or less feel sorry for her and how she was brought up to make her be the person that she is.
What if it is a family member that you can’t cut off from My mum is a covert narcissist and I feel so anxious and unsafe around her but I still need her to help me with my kids because I don’t have any other family. I am so angry that I have allowed her to brainwash me to not trust people and that life is so bad that I have lived my life as a nervous wreck and gone from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship I am trying to heal and put boundaries in with my mum. The more I try to put boundaries in the more my mum starts to be really spiteful and sabatoge my life.
Dr ramani has a video on yt "what victory looks like for the people who can't leave the narc relationship" or something very similar. It might be helpful to you. I think also you could start looking more long term. Kids don't need to be watched after they're old enough so hopefully you can put a plan in place where you slowly start pulling away from her as your kids get older. However if you mean you don't use daycare because your mom taught you to distrust them I'd challenge you to put yourself out their and try to get away now. Continuing a relationship for childcare opens you up for her to try to alienate you from your kids, even to try to claim custody if you're in the us. Of course if you're forced into this situation due to finances then that's difficult but there are many safe loving daycares out there.
My mother and my ex-husband for my abusers. My mother passed away a year-and-a-half ago and I divorced my ex-husband in 2008 I was married to him for 18 years. My mother before she passed got Alzheimer's all the things about her narcissism could no longer be hidden. My ex-husband I no longer communicate with but our son kind of watches him but realizes he is narcissistically abusive neither of them are in my life and me any longer but I still have no clue on who I am. I went blind in 2017 and women that I thought were my friends blue away like fall leaves. Which was also very emotionally destructive. I saw a therapist for a while but he didn't help me at all if anything he made things worse. He decided one day that my son was my seeing eye dog and that was that. That comment made me Furious and I never went back it cost me $250 to get out from under this therapist so consequently I'm not very anxious to find another one right now I honestly don't want anymore friends. I have an awesome boyfriend and he has some wonderful friends but I just don't trust anymore. I guess I'm kind of broken
Trying to heal while still being in contact with a toxic family is like trying to blow-dry hair standing in the middle of a rain storm.
True, can't heal without getting away from the toxins.
Paaaaaaa brilliant!
Yup!!
This is true. I didn’t even know my family was the cause of it until less than a year ago, near the time I cut them off. That was the hardest thing I may have ever done, but it actually has worked. Nothing else I’ve done in life to try to recover had much effect, but this is obviously the way, if it is possible to fully recover.
That said, I’ll never get back all the lost/stolen years. And that is a terrible thing to have to accept. But that also keeps me from going back.
@prohsodie grieving the lost years aka giving up any hope for a better past is hard and painful but essential step of healing. Welcome to the club, good luck pal
I’m 31 and got my first apartment alone a couple of months ago. Not living with family and friends has shown me how hurt I am. So much healing to do.
While cooking I dropped something on the floor and my body reacted ready to be yelled at or judged but nobody was there….
You are too good to be yelled at. They were wrong!
Thank you!
I am so sorry that happened to you. I sure understand what it's like to be that jumpy.
I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that.
Caught myself in a similar situation because I said out loud and to myself the comment I most often heard about myself from my parents. My words in that empty room shocked me. No one else was there. My words seemed to hang naked in space for me to examine. An epiphany.
A daughter with a narc father who is not abusive, just self-centered, may not notice it growing up because, as long as she adores him, he's happy. It's when she starts thinking for herself, and rebelling as a teenager, that he can demean and reject her because she is no longer the adoring little girl. Being rejected during puberty can damage a woman for a long time. Thanks for your videos, Jay.
Being treated in that way is abuse. 🫂
This is me as well
@neptunesdreams Your comment resonates with me so much. I went no contact with my father decades ago, yet it only recently occurred to me how off it was that he couldn't tolerate me having expressed some negative feelings in a family therapy session. And he was a psychiatrist no less! He never said a word about it directly, but he asked my step-mother to ask me to go through some things in the attic. His house and garage where always exceptionally tidy and organized, but when I went in the attic I found my things from early childhood had been recently thrown around and drawing crumpled (there was no dust on them, and other family members' items were untouched). It was extremely disturbing--like someone had tried to symbolically eradicate me/my younger self. : - (
@@bellaluce7088 Wow, that's really fucked up. First, the fact that your narc father was a psychiatrist, and second, the fact that he may have acted out to destroy your things. My only response is to encourage you to realize his level of dysfunction, know that none of it is your fault, and try to get beyond it to live the life you were meant to live. 🧡
@@neptunesdreams Thank you for your kind words. I wish the same for you. : - ) I think he may have actually been mildly psychopathic if that's a thing (my mom was the narc). No one but him could have done that to my things, but I'm grateful for clues like that now. As you said, realize the level of dysfunction and know none of it was your fault. Best wishes to you! 💖
I was narcissistically abused from as early as I can remember, beginning at around age four. I didn't receive any guidance but managed to find some guidance in philosophy beginning at around age 15. At around 20 I had a brush with death and began taking my recovery very seriously from there. 10 years later I'm very much recovered, there is some work still to be done but I made it out. My anxiety around the future of my life is more or less gone. I hope this helps.
Best of luck to everyone out there.
💚. Well done.
Congratulations! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you. Congratulations on your recovery! I'm still on my recovery journey. It feels good to embrace freedom from the emotional JUNK that's been dumped on you as a child.
@@ConstanceBrown-c5d Thank you. I relate too well to the getting dumped on. Your comment reminds me this day that ups and downs remain the downstream effects of narcissistic abuse perpetrated by parents. Though my self-perception has healed a lot over the years, I still triage my own life as a consequence of what happened. I don't want to give out false impressions. What has significantly changed is how much I take side with myself and have patience and compassion but there is always going to be hurt there. My formative role-models guided, misguided, shaped and disfigured me all at the same time and I hate and love them. I don't think the pain goes away but I forgive myself for suffering.
Best of luck to you my friend.
My ex-husband who was my other abuser my mother was my first messages my son on his sin of denying his father and not respecting his father. But he does not delve into the quotes in the Bible about how a man should love his wife and family. Such as, A man should love his wife as Jesus loved his disciples. This quote he will never find. He claims to have found Jesus but he only finds the parts that serve him.
both my parents were. When went to a doctor at 30 he told me my parents were dangerous and to stop seeing them.
Good doctor.
☀️
I know a little girl being sexually abused by her narc father, I've reported but nothing came of it. What can I do or say to her ? I've always sent gifts and try as best as I can as his x to show her I'm here for her
Good doctor
@@fire4myChrist that is really very difficult. Every country has a social service system and is supposed to respond and be accountable. Go at
reporting again. Record for yourself this and the previous time. Write out for yourself- like a proper note. When you reported. To whom. How (eg: by phone) . What you reported (said or wrote). The response of the person receiving the report.
The sad thing is that even on your next report, if you are responded to by a competent professional in a system that is workable, the abuse allegations may not be validated. The thing is that in time, in the future you have this very clear evidence for this child that you were there and you did something. Abuse upon abuse is no one seeing your plight and putting themselves out for you and being courageous adults. Unfortunately not always do valid proper reports come to light. But for the healing of the young person it can only help to know that someone was really trying for them and they were worth it. Keep in her life and her mother’s. I don’t know what part of the allegations not going further is connected to the mom. That is an important question. I know it may seem dismal in some ways. Perhaps some else here can share their thoughts on what I’m saying.
Fantastic video Jay! 18 years at home as the family scapegoat, maternal rejection from the beginning, not a single ally, then seamlessly moved into an 18 year long relationship with a very clever sociopath who has fooled the world that he is sweet and gentle. It took another 10 years to realise the truth about him and my family. Then I got myself into another long term pickle. So, that's why it's taking time to heal!! I'm 51 now and have now come such a long way with my recovery. Yes, persistence and patience are required. My message if you are struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel: just do your best, it takes as long as it takes, be really kind and gentle with yourself and try to meet some good people. Good luck and best wishes!! 💗
WOW!!! Our stories are very similar!!! We didn't deserve it!!! We were picked scapegoat because we saw through their BS and called them out. My malignant narcissist dad beat me thinking he could beat into submission. If someone has to tell their kids... "What happens within these four walls, STAYS within these walls! OR ELSE!!" Something's wrong PERIOD.
Thank you, for your encouragement, yes I too know what you are talking about. 💜
I’m so glad for your story . I’m just beginning…just discovered it. But yeah scapegoat, maternal rejection then when I tried to leave the attacks began . Anyway thanks for your story…
I'm going through this with my ex sociopath who has managed to fool most people,even the ones who kind of knew what he was like,somehow think he changed in 6 months🙄. I actually think he's worse than when he was out on the streets but backwards and forwards seeing me. At least then he stood a chance to get a clue instead of picking up a clueless manipulative girl as the new supply.
I have a similar story. I had two very narcissistic parents and married into a family who scapegoated me the way my family (and many others) did. I felt so deserved of maltreatment that the abuse from all of them got so extreme that I made my final of many suicide attempts...until a hotline referred me to an online support site. I was 58. I had a flash of insight into the truth of what I had endured for sooo long. It took a few years but I stopped putting up with the horrific treatment and went no contact with the family, my crappy mother in law died and my husband finally got into AA. Now in my older age I’m free of narcissistic abuse. I’ll never recover from the immense damage that so many people did. At least I can finally have some respite from it and hopefully heal my nervous system and body a bit. Good luck to you on your healing journey as well. Sorry for rambling.
I'm 64. The scapegoat (which I didn't even realize until my siblings pointed it out.) My narc mom died two years ago. I'm still struggling to stop thinking about the abuse.
Being involved with a narcissist can be perplexing, as they have a knack for distorting reality to serve their own interests. My current state of confusion stems from initially believing I had found the ideal partner. He embodied everything I had ever desired in a man and initially presented himself as my greatest supporter. However, sporadic shifts in his behavior left me feeling off balance, especially when I discovered his involvement with a woman from his college. These revelations shattered his promises of fidelity, leaving me with a desire to leave, although I'm uncertain how to proceed.
In my pursuit of clarity, I sought the assistance of a cybersecurity expert, who successfully accessed his phone, retrieving all WhatsApp and text messages, both deleted and undeleted, as well as messages from his emails. Armed with this evidence, I now have the proof to confirm his narcissistic tendencies, and I am taking immediate steps to initiate divorce proceedings.
If you suspect your spouse may be unfaithful and require similar assistance, you can reach out to this Instagram
I'm the older daughter, truth teller, scapegoat. I was punished with tasks that improved my life skills. I wa neglected when I did cooking, repairing, tending duties. I coped well when I got out of that system. Life became easier.
My sister is the golden child. She is prettier, smarter, outgoing, more accomplished. She did a lot more hoop-jumping, for a longer period. She is out too, but still struggling to heal.
Jay, Thank you for this help. I had all three factors against me. I'm now 70, and I'm beginning to heal up, by going no contact with a golden sibling. Even when narcicisstic parents have left this earth, their beliefs about a scapegoat are planted inside the cells and nervous system. Siblings may become the persecutors. When I look back at some of my teachers and adults who were good to me, I feel sort of saved, and reliving their smiles helps to protect me from vicious memories. Once I saw sheep running to surround baby lambs, when a hawk was circling. I hope this image helps people. You have helped us all.
Yes John, I hear you I’m younger than you and yes I had all 3 and then married a nasty who could hide it so well. Oh my god… I too have the sibling thing, the
continued warped abuse. I have “stepped aside” even tragic death of a sibling didn’t shift them towards reality or basic decency. They are all well functioning people from the outside. I too had moments of kindness with teachers, that carried me far. My art teacher when I was 12 was so so lovely. My critical mind couldn’t take that away, despite trying hard; because her unspoken loveliness went in, that was the total opposite to the experience of all the other stuff, I’m only now making sense of how when my mother was not being violent and tyrannical she was still being abusive, bad vibes the absolute opposite to good vibes. And us little kids picking this up all the time, in what was supposed to be the ok moments. God love us all. We were put through hell. It is such a relief to have such good information from Jay and to be believed and it not keep going back to “ what made them like that etc”. That’s the only psycho education that was volunteered to me, then about my siblings, I was told it was my lacking boundaries. Talk about poor selectivity of information. I’m now interested to know what happens with us with some people, therapists in particular, who with our story do not see us as we are and distort the abusive behaviours of people in our present day life. If we were completely broken or addicted then they’d most likely get that. I had some experiences of poor therapy and one therapist where I can only call it therapy abuse. They were all properly trained. I have a sense inside myself that this was something to do with her scapegoating me..
Yes the sheep protecting the lambs is a striking image indeed. Especially too when sheep are considered the dumbest of all animals and hawks smart. Something worse than no therapy is bad therapy. We are very fortunate to be living with good access to technology, despite so much of its challenges and it’s less positive effects and indeed negative effects on the youngsters reared through it. Every generation has its own challenges of the time. TH-cam is only about 13 years old- imagine that!
I wish you well in life. It is no exaggeration to say that Dr Jay Reid’s work here is a service to humanity.
Hello Mellie, Actually I am Laurie, John's wife. I just am not tech savvy, so I don't know how to have Jay's wonderful videos come to my email. Anyway, I want to tell you about the most wonderful teacher Mr. Brown. I had him for fourth grade. When I look back at my class pictures, his is the only one where all the kids are all laughing and smiling. When I read his obituary, it stated, that he wanted each child to become who God meant them to be. He created a classroom where we all felt safe and loved. It was truly a taste of heaven! May we live lives where we alleviate suffering where we can, including our own. ♥
You’ ve done a great thing for yourself, John. Time to enjoy it if you can. I think you can.
The beliefs about the scapegoat are definitely planted inside the cells and nervous system.
I was lucky enough to be raised by my loving grandmother for the first 5 yrs of my life until she died of cancer. Without her I wouldn't have the small base of self-worth that I do. I miss her every day. She was the world's most perfect woman. ❤❤❤
My father is the Narcissist and my mother did not protect me from his relentless abuse, in fact she made excuses for him. I didnt start to recover until I moved to a diffferent country but it's early days still. They had me so convinced that I was the problem in the family and its still hard to see myself as a person. |I'm now 42 and my past is just starting to make sense. Thanks for this Video Jay, spot on as usual, you really get the psyche of the malignant narcissist.
Same exact story for me
I also moved to the UK from Appalachia to get out of striking distance. No distance is far enough but it helped so much. I felt like my life had finally begun and felt real. The hate from them teally ratcheted up though. I was no longer there to blame everything on. So they started in on my younger brother. But he was more willing to take it than I was.
I'm glad you got out. It's never to late to start healing. Please take care of yourself.
I'm so happy to hear others stories. I am about to move to Canada for a while at least, hopefully permanently. I'm just waiting now for someone to buy my house and then I will be free.
@@rs5570 Can anyone help with getting your brother out of that situation ? You're overseas, so you maybe can't help. But perhaps someone in the area can ?
When I was about 15 I was going to mandatory religion classes with my best friend. The teacher asked if anyone was having problems in their life that the class could pray about. My friend said “Mary’s mother is always picking on her.” The teacher said. “OK, class pray for Mary and her mother.” When I got home my mother started up with her criticizing. My enabler father said “Leave her alone. Stop picking on her!” When I went back to class the teacher asked “So did things get better for you and your mother?” I told how my father told her to stop picking on me. The class giggled and found it amusing. However, it was quite profound to me because it is the only time that my enabler parent stood up to her for me.
@iknowhowtosurvive Yes, life is much better. This is a memory from many decades ago.
When I was 33 my dad stood up for me- everyone at the table was shocked. Mommy dearest ruined every Holiday- Birthday etc. I’m 63 and no contact. Divorced from Narc as well. I’m 17 years healing.
It took 2 years to get better I’m angry that this ex did this to me and I know it was on purpose the reactive abuse was something that I’d never experienced he met me when I was recovering from 3tbi I was vulnerable but not weak I fought for my life and found myself trauma bonded to a man that never EVER too responsibility for any of his actions two years of ruminating about what I did wrong and blaming myself for not just giving him what he wanted (my body) before I was ready … he nearly destroyed me but as awful as it sounds I caused a collapse and I’m glad I did it … I would weeep for hours and not ONCE. Did he come to hold me … he knew I was healing from a concussion and tried his best to break me and I’m not someone you can break … period
"A nervous system wired for ongoing threat," thank you for giving me the words for what I experienced from a young age and still have in my hardwiring, to some degree.
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
This is the most painful time of year for scapegoats.
I once worked for a doctor, who said, this is a "cruel season". Last year it felt good to cut snowflakes out of colored tissue paper, and to tape them on a window. It feels like selfcare to work with your hands. It defies the narcicisst's system. We're like snowflakes--each unique. We were not made to fit into a template, but to become who we were meant to be. Laurie
Amen. Painful to go to things, because you'll be picked on, excluded, made to feel 'other'. Painful not to go, because it will be taken as proof that you don't care and are the 'bad one'. Painful too because of the deep awareness that we were in fact the best of the bunch growing up, and our goodness was used against us.
This made me cry, just to hear you describe the less fortunate reality, with no support, no holding the narcissist accountable. That’s what I experienced, and still do. I’m 38 years old and still live with my Narcissistic mother, although I finally made the decision to stop speaking to her altogether, which has saved my life. But of course there’s still been zero accountability from anyone. I am slowly, so slowly, digging myself out of this hole, but it’s really hard and lonely. I’m working with a therapist, who I really like, but who unfortunately doesn’t have real knowledge of Narcissistic abuse. :/
Sorry for what happened to you. I think if you found yourself a therapist with narcissistic knowledge you will heal so much more faster. Good luck ❤
Patience and compassion for yourself is vital to healing from those abusive relationships. Not doing things which did not feel authentic tome helped as well. Thank you.
So true. I had a narcissistic parent and could never figure out why I didn't deserve love. I finally know the WHY... I am a survivor. I discarded the person. Being 72 years I never knew why I picked toxic people. I now know why... My mother. I actually have a psychology degree, but, never realized narcissism and how it affected me until now. I am stronger now for it. The WHY is very important. My father was an enabler. He never told me about my mother. He died at an early age. I think that is why I was close to my father. That is why I am recovering faster.
I really like this channel, Jay has somehow managed to put into words everything I experienced as a kid and now as a grown man am finally putting my life together based off of what I realized what went in they here and with my own therapist. I feel after 35 years now a grown man I can finally begin to live
Jay, thank you for your videos on narcissism. I endured an emotionally- and physically-abusive childhood with a narcissist father where my mother did not protect me and the abuse started at a very early age. For many years I could not understand that I had endured serious trauma until I took the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) test and the Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) test and found that the results clearly showed that I had been though criminal abuse.
Both of these tests are used by therapists and the courts and are very well accepted as yardsticks for measuring emotional trauma. In fact, I learned of the ACE test when I happened to read how an Ohio judge had ordered the ACE test to assess trauma in the case of Bresha Meadows who was forced to use deadly force to defend herself against her father's physical and sexual abuse.
After I was surprised by my high scores on both the ACE and C-PTSD I was forced to admit to myself that I had to take my father's abuse seriously and it was only then that I began to make real progress dealing with my past trauma.
Jay, can you please do a video or videos about both of these tests and how objective ACE and C-PTSD results can help other victims of narcissism recognize that they have indeed suffered real trauma and loss? Again, thank you for all that you do to help victims.
John Hagen please look at Dr Deborah Lee. The traumatised brain. It’s a very short TH-cam video. Unfortunately I don’t know how to add the link.
Compassion to you - I know what you mean over the ACE Scores. And C-PTSD scores. It is very helpful to have this space to say it and be truly witnessed. Compassion to you.
I'm 78 and there is no recovery only improvement Its a.matter of surviving it
I at the ripe age of 35 years am truly healing. Online energy healings and monitoring my defenses really saved me. My online therapist, support group and energy healer. Some good friends, really saved me! The internet saved me otherwise I would just be going in circles for the rest of my life 😮
34 doing the same feel the same
You never do start feeling "better " . I've been waiting well over 8 years , yet still remember it quite well
Oh nooo. Me too! The memories of chaos pop up way too often. Ugh
😮
no you can. you are fully in control of your life now. things will always get better when but you have to believe that for it to be true
Thank you Jay, for this helpful video. Along with the mentioned three factors in the video, I personally also believe that one another factor could be how much time it took for you to realize what you were going through wasn't normal, to question it, and to start living in defiance to it, while showing willingness to understand and examine what truly happened to you. So for example; if a person in their teens realized that the relationship that they had with their parent wasn't normal when they compared it to other healthy parent child relationships, starts investigating about it, and tries to get help- their healing process will be different from another person going through same situation, but realizing it later on in their life about what truly happened and slowly coming in terms with it. The latter might take a bit longer to recover than the former.
My very empathetic husband helps to make this recovery journey easier. He has allowed me to talk about all my feelings with his full support. He is my "safe" person.
So cool. Very happy for you 🙌
Another comment after being through narcissistic people in life was that I would wait to feel the worst or self hatred and very negative self-talk that really diminishes my life. I would attract really toxic people into life for being too kind and my kindness was taken for granted
There has never been a video/topic you illustrated that I could not relate to. That circumstance has been pertinent in that I slowly but surely moved away from gaslighting myself and no longer felt as if it was me “making it all up“.
Another big hurdle you helped me see (so I could eventually overcome it) was that my father was the enabler parent via the video you titled as such. I first fell into the hole of the psychological orphan (only child) that I couldn’t yet bare at the time, however, you cannot un-realize something that has produced a cognitive equilibrium. Eventually, (sitting in the chair, writing down self inquisitory questions and answers to my core distortions) I, in an instant, became angry. And I mean angry. At my father. The knot had busted finally. It must have been 15 minutes of externalizing the anger. Eventually, I was able to see the grey area. The way he really was, all of him. Not just the bad or the good, but all of him.
Thank you for all your efforts and all you do.
On a side note: For all the times we struggle with the, in the beginning, seemingly strange concept of self-compassion, and while it is certainly an individual path under the blue print of a concept that we all can connect to, I just wanted to mention that, when reading the comments on your content, the sharing of how each of us personally relates to the concepts you discuss, evokes compassion, understanding, relating. Through that, we can bridge the gap to self-compassion and also just knowing that there are others in existence that have embarked on the journey of recovery. Sometimes, we just look for someone to bear witness to what troubles us. A safe place to express ourselves that does not come at the expense of “good advice”.
Thank you for being You!
Edit: I left see above-comment before I watched your video. Again, you are spot on with everything you are highlighting. I also fall into the category narcissistic parents-> narcissistic partner-> feels familiar and goes unquestioned until the day it does not anymore.
Thank you Jay! I would also love to see more videos about what happens when both parents are narcissistic and abusive!
You'd be dead. Without my relatively stable father I would have died.
I had an overt narcissist dad, who terrified everyone, a covert narcissist mum who was the ringleader and an older golden child narcissistic sister, who spent my life bullying me and treating me with disdain.
It was after my mom went off with my abusive ex for the family Christmas holiday we had planned and left my son and me at home after I told her we were getting divorced, that I knew I needed to get away from all of them. I was 54. I moved continents to start a new life and have gone no contact with all but one brother, whose daughter is getting married on 1st July. I feel sad to be missing her wedding, but I cannot allow myself to run the risk of their emotional abuse. I declined the invitation. The people that matter do understand. I need to focus on moving forward and I keep in touch with my therapist via zoom now. She has been my lifeline to sanity.
You did the best for you. ❤
that is so hideous what your narcissist mother did going off with your ex. good riddance to both of them , they are made for eachother
This is going to help me and my Son tremendously. I was trying to protect my son from the abuse he told me about, was able to obtain a restraining order. The problem is he is 7 and feels conflicted to share with other people and obviously loves his Dad despite the abuse. So it hurts to hear at home everything he’s lived and now after everything his Dad will get custody again. I have felt helpless in this situation as I can’t pressure him to speak otherwise you get accused of coaching the child. This content will help me navigate the journey my Son will have to live, it kills me to know he is being returned to his abuser but I’m glad he was brave enough and felt supported enough to open up to me. I just pray for his safety.
I finaly fully "get it" at 37 and was leading a life of self distruction. I know now that I have to be the part of my life that I lacked from my exteral world growing up to become whole. Beleaving in myself and holding myself accountable is the only way to do that.
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
I got sober 6 yrs ago at 43 and only then did I start understanding how deeply abused I was. Covert narcissists raised me. Mom and her boyfriend and eventually husband. My father is toxic and self centered and absent, as well. My only sibling, my older brother, was sent to live with our dad when Rick moved in and took over. My mom and Rick only cared about their company they started and ran successfully while I had a set of keys given to me at seven and a chore list to be done by 6:00 pm. Not 6:01! At 49 I’m finally understanding and seeing the abuse that is still happening. What a trip! I feel like I’m waking up from the brain washing of a cult! Now it’s almost no contact time. Grieving my childhood while staying in contact with my narc mother has lead to fully waking up. This channel is right on time! Jay you are a true hero! Thank you!!!!
It takes a lifetime Jay depending on ow horrendous
That’s true and even taking a lifetime we are worth it.
Boy did I get the short end of the stick🙄
Still working on making sense of it all that's the biggie for me. which is not only still ongoing but also feels like it's ramping up as i work on making sense of it.
Watch Dr. Ramani on youtube, for better understanding
Interesting. I've been recovering for 2 years after a lifetime of abuse. In my experience, as the fog has lifted more and more, many, many things have come up that I've suppressed for a very long time. It's been very relieving because I am now able to see those memories, make sense of them, (realize it's wasn't my fault), and let them go. I am healing. I can see it for real. It's a wonderful transition. Peace to you.
Thank you for sharing this, it agrees with what has been my recovery process … I can’t wait to be on the other side of this process
You are so welcome!
You are giving me the tools to save my life, literally. Thank you, Jay.
I've had to pretty much disconnect from my entire family becasue even my dad who was also abused by my mom and split up with her is still controlled by her and he is Gaslighting me asking if the things I'm saying are true I don't understand how he still doesn't see 🤬
He may be defending (internally) his part in creating an abusive household for his children. Just a thought
@@CristinaAcosta that’s what my did, nuts…. Thanks for giving it a name.
My father and both sisters are narcissistic. I couldn't count on or trust any of them. It's going to take time but we can recover
My parents were good at looking after my physical needs and even for my hobbies were helpful but emotionaly my best result were to be ignored and worst were antagonistic to my emotional wellbeing.. Find it hard to forgive for that.
Its excruciating to witness narcissistic people get all life’s ‘goodies’
But I’m on the path of recovery and love your three steps of awareness,, distance and defiance - they are so so clear and powerful.
I’d love a video on “assessing where you are at on the recovery path”
I keep causing myself suffering by trying to do things way beyond my resources. When I should be in bed, I’m trying to join a gym, apply for funding, develop career.
It’s terrifying to give in to one’s true state of trauma, but it’s the only way to get well. I’d love to have some clear concept of the path for the next few years. It’s exhausting to keep trying to get a career on track and have humiliating knock-backs that happen because I’m traumatized, but the feedback I get is to ‘try harder’ - which is totally the wrong thing.,
It sounds like freeze response. That's where I'm stuck in. The first years after the "awakening" I was in fight and flight. Now I'm trying to get more information about somatic theory and exercises. Also TRE or trauma release exercise. Severe scapegoating affects all aspects not only psychological and emotional but also physical and spiritual.
Me too 😢
I'm 37 and just discovering all of this in the last year and prior to these videos popping up I had no idea wtf happened other than it was a nightmare a scapegoat
I came across your TH-cam channel today and I absolutely love and appreciate and validate how you explain so throughly about All the narcissistic relationships terms and toxic traits! Towards the end of your video I slowly felt the warm tears of gratitude start to roll down my face not because I was sad but because I felt validated and thankful that I finally escaped my narcissistic relationship and although I still feel guilty for leaving, I validate myself enough to know that I am on my journey to healing and becoming the best version of me without the narcissistic telling me otherwise! Oh it’s such a wonderful feeling to be free and at peace. And Btw I most Definitely Subscribed Right away !Thank You again and to everyone out there going through their own beautiful journey of narcissistic abuse “You Got This!” “Keep on Going!” 😊 ❤
Thank you Jay. I just posted a comment on another one of your videos, but it posted on a different youtube channel in my feed...
Thank you so much Jay, as I see so many here say thank you for the same reasons. Thank you to everyone commenting telling their story. For me, I can echo what so many of you are saying, also the way people are able to say it here, to connect one’s lived experience to what we are hearing and learning, I think is a result of the support, skill and generosity of Dr Jay Reid.
I believe both my parents have some form of narcissistic behaviors. As an almost senior adult I moved back home to help my parents per their request. They didn't want to help me out financially and I ended up having too move out. My parents now have forgotten they requested me to move home. It is an absolute nightmare. To add to the story my step family who all live within a ten mile radius were not trying to do anything to help. All are upset I am helping our parents. They are so concerned due to the fact of a financial gains if something does happen to our parents that I might get something more. My stepsister was almost successful at getting them to divorce before I arrived. My Mother has PTSD from years of abuse but she won't leave and my step father has been diagnosed with White Matter Disease. There is an abundance of negativity and criticism towards me because my mother tries to treat me the way she gets treated. Many times I put her in check. Its a horrible reality and I am so thankful for the awareness you and Dr. Ramami bring to this platform. Because of you I understand better how to deal with my parents. And I depirately try to use a kind and loving approach. It isn't always receive as kind and loving but now I know the reason why!
Many thanks, from Oregon!!
Im 32 and will be moving out of my nmom's place after i moved back with her at the start of covid. Lets just say moving back with her reinstated a lot of trauma and j suffered many severe health problems.
I now have a job offer hours away and am in the process of getting out. I am never coming back this time. They are absolutely detrimental to your health and well-being.
this is one of the best videos on narcissism on TH-cam! Well done!
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
Jay you helped me again. I have to do a work now but I will take 1 more our to myself because you have inspired me. That quote is very true. The narcissistic parent is one thing. But NOBODY around me, mother, grandparents, teachers, neighbors, stepmothers, stepfathers, airplane pilots or soccer players, not a fucking single real man or woman with a sane mind came and said: "You idiot, you can not and will not do this to that child, or I'll..". And it feels like after the abuse that "the world" says it is okay.
Wonderful content! A great perspective on understanding how the healing goes. Thank you for a real contribution to be sure.
Thank you for your videos! I believe I was saved somehow or some ..., by my grandmother, my grandfather played some part too, and my aunties... all of them behind the dors, when I was too small and they were unaware of my presence. For me, it meant the world! I "saw" my parents without their masks since 3-4 yo. Was sad and ugly anyway .
Well, according to your analysis, I fall into the worst case scenario and explains why my recovery is taking so long. Narc mother, enabling father, unknowingly married abusive narc, no family support when I left him, no other surviving family, narc spouse did smear campaign and alienated his whole family from me. I'm in my mid 60s and totally alone.
Same as my experience, I am in 60’s. Narcs are sick people, you are a survivor. You are stronger and brave. Enjoy yourself, nature and each day loving yourself. 🤗
Yes me too
Well, it was different for me. I did feel conflict when I experienced narcissistic behaviours from my then partner and they were not only hurtful but also strange, so I knew something was wrong. My family did not support me, they basically didn't care and once my mum even said she wasn't going to comment as she didn't know his side of the story :/ I was left with no support. Psychologists were not helpful at all, did not recognise abuse, it was 10 and more years ago, not a popular topic like today, I was even blamed for it and told I was needy, egoistic and my partner was normal or that he was an adult child of an alcoholic or masculine or whatever but not that he was abusive and narcissistic. I really did seek help and felt something was wrong from early on. It's true my family was neglectful but I was not the scapegoat and directly abused. Oh well, I guess it checks out maybe - I was confident enough to know stuff was wrong but no one cared to confirm my intuition.
I use to feel safe when there was visitors at our home .I use to beg the visitors to take me with them when they were leaving and my mum would beat me up to death for that .more times I couldnt tell if I was dead or alive .at young age I started comparing my life with other children .like when I go to my cousin's houses and I find them being themselves ,I was getting enivious or wishing if my mum would treat me like that .Only to have freedom when my mum passed on after 37 years with her in my entire existence .its now 5 years since her departure and I found out about narcissism when she is already gone and I grieved more and more .one day I grief that I didnt get the time to discus all this with her .one day I wish she was here so we can make things right .I had mixed confusing feelings ,one day I feel like i am being ungreateful for being her child ,one dah I am thankful that at least she didnt kill me ,because of the way I was beaten up and all the bad treatment ,one day I wake up thinking maybe it was not that bad I am just exaggerating it goes on until one day I was not well ,I missed her so much ,and I cried all day all night and I managed to forgive her .now am feeling more better if I want to blame her too much ,she was raised in a narcisisitic family as well and it became a chain ,so I am breaking it for my children .I left their father as well and it was bad
In my family it was my father who was the tyrant, & my mother was the weak enabler. I used to pray that my father would get run over & be killed or contract an illness & die just so that my mother & i could have peace. I, like you, used to look at other famies & wish i was their child. It was always different when we had visitors - they never knew what hell it was. But then my mother became very cruel towards me - the only power she had in the family was over me, eventhough i used to stand in front of her to protect her & take the blows my father reigned down on her. I, too, experience the thoughts you've had that maybe i'm being selfish as others have worse, or that maybe it wasnt that bad.My mother passed 10yrs ago & i only started to find out about narcissism 5yrs ago. I didnt realise it but i married out of one dysfunctional family & into another but this time it was my husband's mother & she was sneaky with it - covert - & would try every teick in the book to keep her sons from leaving her. She hated me with vengeance because i took her lityle boy away from her & she made damn sure she wasnt going to lose her other son in the same way so she convinced him he was too ill to have a life - she would make up illnesses for him & delight in taking him to the doctors & hospital. She died 2yrs ago & he's still there, on his own now & i wonder how he is as she never used to let him lift a finger. She brainwashed everyone in the family against me. Most of the people who caused me so much pain have now gone but my father's still alive in his late 90s & still controlling but now acting like a child. If i try & help he regards it as interfering, but if i back off & give him his space he sees it as i dont care so, as usual, i cant win. Others in the family & his friends all pander to him & think how marvellous he is - they dont know the truth of what he is & what hell he caused. His father - my grandfather - was violent towards him & Incest was rife in the family, but my father had a choice to not let that happen to his own children. Like you, I wish i could've discussed it all with my mother but all we can do is try & make peace with ourselves & break the chain - it stops here with us as we are determined our own children will not go through what we did but life's not easy when the nervous system is shot to pieces & the medical profession doesnt understand. I think your grief coming out was necessary & has helped you - i've yet to reach that stage. We must take heart & stand firm in the truth - the truth of what we know happened - it doesnt matter what others think because we know the truth & we forge ahead out of the darkness into the light. I wish you well on your healing journey.
@@beadingbelle3486 I am sorry to hear your story and I wish you all the best .
How Long does it take to Learn and Thrive in a Whole New Cultural Expierience 💞
Here's to Brighter Tommorrows ✨️
Thanks Jay for Offering a Strategy Guide to this New Life.
Respect
💖
Thank you for this lovely systematic framework to game out 'Making sense of what happened'. I am hopeful it will be helpful to have some tangible questions to examine and to decrease unproductive rumination.
I’ve been going through the healing process from narcissistic abuse for three years now and today tears came to my eyes associated with emotional pain from a memory
3 months no contact with my narc. I’m starting to enjoy the little things again and Starting to feel like my self
Only after fifty Icame to awareness that I was dealing with narcsts
55. Six years later and still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
When one becomes
no longer emotional or
reactive to other things.
Triggers
do not respond.
Why? Gotcha moment.
Rise above.
Put the picture
in perspective,
so, rise above,
get a better view.
Like hot air 🎈 ride.
The decision, how to calmly quietly peacefully
depart away from,
not even a tether or leash.
And no obvious hard feelings.
🤺💐
Empirical observation is very important, everything mentioned in your video is "spot on," my ex-MIL was a narc, and she instill those beliefs on my ex-wife. Initially she was witty and charming, but later things got worse and worse as her true personality started to show.
Hey Jay: I have just found your channel - very grateful for your input. I will check out the book.
Such a good question. What's the point having all the awareness if you still feel all the pain
Susan it won’t be this painful forever. Maybe we need to feel to heal. It is extremely difficult. I could use all sorts of words….Compassion to you.
I'm 34 and my nervous system was so bad I could barely stand or even think/function after reminiscing about what was done to me... from energy vampires and chronic fatigue, constant intrusion into my personal life ...😫
I felt really alone and invalidated and unwanted most of my life and had to suffer without any help because I thought if I sought help if it would be considered a weak thing in my mind. Verbal and psychological abuse is still painful to think of and I'm not sure if it will still be ongoing but I have to deal with a lot of abandonment and self abandonment which led to a lot of emotional and mental breakdowns which led to physical problems and not being able to perform daily tasks or even function that well since it was then attract more narcissists and more emotionally abusive people.
Suppressed, timid, feeling socially awkward. Feeling neglected was the worst feeling...
Your out now right?
@@nicholecornes1915 no I'm not out now I'm still stuck in a very horrible place called Unity Saskatchewan Canada and it is a small town that is made up of the worst people ever imaginable it is like a narcissistic cult that demonizes me because they don't accept me. I suffered years of heartbreaking devastating neglect n and every other sort of psychological abuse because of the bitter they have towards me
@@nicholecornes1915 the bars here is like walking into a Minefield full of entitled intrusive demonic people. These people say the meanest things and they are scary looking and they're glutinous and they're ugly. I am stuck in the middle of a 2400 populated small town full of people that don't like me and they never showed me empathy and I'm always agitated and depressed here.
They killed my dog and they make fun of a close people that I have died my life and they call me ugly but I'm not and they stalk me. And they play psychological mind games on me and they try to manipulate everybody against me to isolate me. It is the most ugliest town to ever live in
@@nicholecornes1915no. I'm still in hell.
Just trying to get out
I got the abuser away from me. THEN,.. THEN,..THEN,... these videos turned up. I had no idea there had been a program being leveled against me by my family. I accepted being stolen from, marginalized, ignored and disrespected as just the way life is. It did come to an end. I moved away. These videos, Dr. Wise, Mrs. Joyce all these videos, you watch about fifteen to twenty and you come to this grand, AHA!! HOLY CRAP!! I don't deserve to be treated like sh%t!! That is not normal. There are typical things that people can say to you through out your life. "Why do you let people treat you like this!", "Why do you work so cheap!" "Why do you have no respect for yourself!" None of that has any real meaning if It's all you have ever known. Now because of this video series I realize my value. I write screenplays, music songs, books. I'm really talented. I never got a moments recognition from anyone in my family,... never. That was then. This is now.
Adopting the promises of the Bible is a powerful start because it is BASED on you accepting God’s pure love which requires the abuse victim values him/ her self FIRST
I think people will choose their own religion, if any.
Yes, seeing ourselves as who God says we are is truth, thank you for the reminder.
God is love amen
@@HeartFeltGesture yes, of course and for those who are in the “if any” group I hope the concepts of True Self can give some sense of our intrinsic value, just by existing that others may get through a concept of a god form.
And we could do with all the help we can get, to get closer to a sense of our true worth, even a glimpse would be good.
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Yes, only a fool wouldn't be at least Agnostic.
Man realizing just how bad it was and how much i justified my pain is heartbreaking
I t feels unbelievably exilirating to feel free and no longer care. Like taking off your ahoes after anlong day in tight shoes. Trust me. Let go, cry, scream. Get it out. The other side feels amazing ince youre free
My ex was like this, and I’ll tell you now he’s why I’m nuts still
But also wanted to mention I’m in therapy I was diagnosed severe ptsd I’m so much better as time goes by but at times it’s hard but I’m getting there thanks for your video
Making sense of the relationship will depend entirely on one’s ability to stand by one’s sense of what happened. But this mastery of subjective truth is precisely what one lax see if one was raised by narcissist and therefore liable to falling for narcissist later as adults.
One helpful fact is that narcissists will inevitably accuse you of the dirty things that they can selves demonstrate but cannot see. So, everyone can see that, it’s at least helpful in the way of confirmation.
To come to peace with what happened, one must develop the very sense Of “subjective truth”
That is lacking in those of us who are raised by a narcissist, and later in life inevitably fell for your gaslighting.
So one way to look at this is that recovering from narcissistic abuse is the hard but necessary road to gaining ownership of one’s own truth, and to grow up beyond the narcissistic limits of our families of origin. It’s a tough slog. But at least if we do that tough work, perhaps our kids won’t have to Dash they can have their own problems.
Recovery is undermined by the inability of narcs to feel or admit their own part in any part of any ptoblem!
I think my grandmother was a narcasisst. If not, she was a toxic human. My dad definitely has trauma/ narcasist tendencies. Now at 27 I've been looking back on my childhood. Thankful I can start the healing. I love my family but I was never taught to love myself.
you might have been conditioned against it all your life by these abusers. but you can CHOSE to love yourself and pour in to yourself. protect yourself and choose yourself every day. reminding yourself that you didn’t die, you survived, and what couldn’t kill you made you stronger. once you feel that, that’s the most empowering stance to have after abuse. you might be in pain and recovering but you are strong and you can make a better life for yourself. you’ve already survived
I am so very thankful for you and your work, it has been incredibly illuminating and helpful!
You are so welcome
I had no support from both sides his and my family. Devastating. Amazing to see how the one true person gets devalued while the abuser gets all the support.
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
I need help recovering and more help in this crazy world.
That was useful. Thank you for all those tips. Looking forward to healing.
This was amazing and so so informing. Thank you for sharing
My mother told me she was afraid of my narcissistic father..though she knew what he was doing was wrong. My Aunt told her "you're going to ruin this child". They are both gone, I am here. This all started at a very early age..mother, father and a big family. I'll always remember the words mother said to our abusive father, "you're not going to put me in the nut-house".
I would add to Dr. Jay's either/or about how the unfolding happens is that for the second scenario, it can also look like that the person is initially treated overly nicely by the narcissistic partner (some call it lovebombing) but then at some point the narcissistic partner starts becoming abusive, and many times they alternate between being overly loving and being abusive (intermittent reinforcement). This can be very
disorienting and hard to let go of and blaming oneself, jumping through all sorts of hoops and trying to figure out what happened and chasing crumbs of the better times. It can also cause us to walk on eggshells and either make our worlds very small, slide into self destructive behavior to try and cope, or compromise ourselves to not set the other person off, never really knowing what might rock the boat. If we look at our earlier lives, this pattern often replicates an earlier pattern from a parent/cargiver.
Short answer approximately 1 month per year of abuse. 5 years = 5 months. You don't have to condone, forget, or learn to like. No! If you are stuck living working with the narc.... get therapy... you're not crazy but as much validation and tactics and friends you can get around you... the more revitalized you will become.
Things get better when you dont engage with the individual. Wisdom and boundaries. Dont let your energy be drained by a parisite. No contact. You dont owe anyone anything , be they partner, parent or sibling . YOU MATTER. Remove yourself from toxic humans , find your own tribe, seek out people same as you , good people, authentic people, not crazy making ,drama making abusers.
I'm 34 and my perception of people is not good at all.
I perceive people as a very self-centered greedy scary untrustworthy and to keep my distance so I don't suffer from any sort of emotional or psychological abuse and torment that I've known.
Your videos are extremely helpful and informative.
How long will it take to go contact free and go to therapy and heal your inner child. I don’t think you can ever heal but you can build a new identity.
Please Jay. I don’t know what to do. My elderly covert/vulnerable narcissistic birth person is making me want to unlive. I can’t heal bc I am still being abused. 52 years as a scapegoat is exhausting. I don’t know what to do. Please help me Jay.
16 weeks and decided I'm not the clown's victim! Freeeeeeedom!
Thank you for these videos! :Lisa
Your therapy videos help me a lot! Thank you! :Lisa
Good video, I get it, I might never recover, I will be ok with that
I healed through being the scapegoat in my family, then I realized unhealthy adults had the same patterns. I have had to try to build relationships, and when I get used heal.
Very good!😊❤
Well I guess I am screwed. I have been trying to recover but it seems impossible. No protection, both parents were abusive, 20 years of it. I can't shake the feeling of being disgusting, ashamed of who I am to the core and deserving of bad things that come my way. It seems to be in my bones, part of me. It wasn't just the physical abuse of being tied up and beaten, bitten, slapped but also the humilation of words, told I ruined their lives, being a burden like I owe them a debt I can't pay, being spit at and my parents being two faces in public.
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
I am studying this for 5 years now since I realized that my family is a narcissist family and I have no support of anyone. Sometimes I fall back on hope and think I will never fully recover,since the pain is so big. the suffering seams too big most of the time...
I’m a victim of domestic violence. My husband started spending a lot of time with his friends from childhood whom I had never met or heard of before. Sometime last month I just woke up and asked to see his phone to check the time. He handed it to me and it opened into WhatsApp, where I discovered he had been sending naked photos of himself to someone. When he realized he had handed me his unlocked phone, he pounced on me, snatched his phone back, and smashed it on the floor, but I had already seen it. As it turns out, he'd been chatting with someone but I decided not to question him. I wasn't sure how to react cause I didn't even get a chance to know who he was texting on the other end. I saw a touching story here of how a someone found out her husband was cheating, I decided to contact the hacker she recommended through a link she posted here, he cloned my husband's phone without physically touching it. All I did was send his email address to him and through a remote link sent to my mail, I was able to access all of his texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with me after reading his chats I found out he was texting a younger woman in his office and it was clear that they regularly had sex, I have no idea how long he has been doing this cause they had developed an emotional connection. Perhaps, you are in a similar situation get in touch with him on Instagram @dave_tools555
I can tell you this, a narcissitic mother will make you think you're unworthy of happiness. In my 20's and partly 30's whenever I brought a guy to "Meet my mom" (many times at his request) it would not turn out well. She would praise my deceased sister who was a nurse highlighting how smart she was however, while she was alive she only got berated and called 'Bitc&es and whores. Then once he leaves, she assures me that he's a very decent young man and wouldn't want me b/c I'm not 'Classy' enough. A narcissitic mother will always let you know you're 'never ENOUGH'.
You know what finally did it for me? How i finally came to terms with it. I finally accepted that the person who i married was a zombie, the walking dead, she died when the dream was over and she could be herself. I had to mentally kill the idea of who i thought she was because the person i loved never existed. I live with a ghost of a person that never existed.
Thankyou..pedagogic and so helpfu! ✍️⚓l
I am 59 years old and only the last three months or so did I finally figure out that my mom was / is a narcissist. I am not sure if I will ever be able to fully recover. My mother has only ever wanted me to be an ignorant little boy that she can easily control and manipulate. The only love that my mother has ever given me is a very superficial love based on her being in control and constantly being praised. I had a very close personal friend of mine that passed away unexpectedly. I had more empathy from my next door neighbor than my mother is even capable of giving me. She does not understand this at all. I am not mad at her I would say, I more or less feel sorry for her and how she was brought up to make her be the person that she is.
When will this pain end
What if it is a family member that you can’t cut off from
My mum is a covert narcissist and I feel so anxious and unsafe around her but I still need her to help me with my kids because I don’t have any other family.
I am so angry that I have allowed her to brainwash me to not trust people and that life is so bad that I have lived my life as a nervous wreck and gone from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship
I am trying to heal and put boundaries in with my mum. The more I try to put boundaries in the more my mum starts to be really spiteful and sabatoge my life.
Dr ramani has a video on yt "what victory looks like for the people who can't leave the narc relationship" or something very similar. It might be helpful to you.
I think also you could start looking more long term. Kids don't need to be watched after they're old enough so hopefully you can put a plan in place where you slowly start pulling away from her as your kids get older.
However if you mean you don't use daycare because your mom taught you to distrust them I'd challenge you to put yourself out their and try to get away now. Continuing a relationship for childcare opens you up for her to try to alienate you from your kids, even to try to claim custody if you're in the us. Of course if you're forced into this situation due to finances then that's difficult but there are many safe loving daycares out there.
My mother and my ex-husband for my abusers. My mother passed away a year-and-a-half ago and I divorced my ex-husband in 2008 I was married to him for 18 years. My mother before she passed got Alzheimer's all the things about her narcissism could no longer be hidden. My ex-husband I no longer communicate with but our son kind of watches him but realizes he is narcissistically abusive neither of them are in my life and me any longer but I still have no clue on who I am. I went blind in 2017 and women that I thought were my friends blue away like fall leaves. Which was also very emotionally destructive. I saw a therapist for a while but he didn't help me at all if anything he made things worse. He decided one day that my son was my seeing eye dog and that was that. That comment made me Furious and I never went back it cost me $250 to get out from under this therapist so consequently I'm not very anxious to find another one right now I honestly don't want anymore friends. I have an awesome boyfriend and he has some wonderful friends but I just don't trust anymore. I guess I'm kind of broken
I have been in therapy a loYt but I am thinking of going again even though I am alo