Get your exclusive NordVPN deal here ➼ nordvpn.com/bryony It's risk-free with Nord's 30-day money-back guarantee! I'd love to know which character's attitude towards oversharing you have! And for anyone about to re-visit or discover SATC, let's just say some parts really haven't aged well, heck they weren't even "good" at the time 😬😬I still believe you can be a fan of something and critique it at the same time, nuance exists for a reason and SATC provided such a good jumping off point for this larger discussion as they fell right into attitude I have come across perfectly!
I used to be so embarrassed by my grandma over sharing. The number of times I caught her telling strangers about her diarrhea is startling. After she passed earlier this year, I realized what she was really doing. She had been through terrible things and she made herself soft and open to the people around her. Her over sharing was an invitation to share your shit and laugh. At her memorial, over 300 people came, all of them with stories of when she turned up out of the blue to get them through a hard breakup, or how she made them feel better, braver, and less alone. I get it now. It's not just diarrhea. It's remembering how stupid and wonderful life is. I miss her so much. I haven't had diarrhea today, in case you were curious.
my grandma used to overshare other peoples information, I remember her telling someone that my sister got her period. I loved my grandma but that was not something that was nice or pleasant about her
Slight tangent : talking about money was called "cringe" and considered so impolite because it directly protected the employers from their employees actually figuring out that they are being undervalued. I do think there are a few things which are labelled cringe because it benefits an exploiter. Like people called children "dramatic" and "rebellious" when they are sharing actual abuse ongoing in their homes.
YES! It's considered rude to talk about salaries etc in the way where we view eachother as the enemy and perhaps "less deserving" of that money (because thats how businesses have framed those conversations) when in fact, it shows the hypocrisy, favoritism and inequality of the business. Another reason why I love unions, but even though I'm in one, there's still not much appetite for people's salaries to be visible because this corporate messaging is so hardwired. And agree on the kid thing too, the kid is shut up super fast for sharing the reality
This! Shaming people for trauma dumping is a means of silencing them, and silencing victims of trauma usually protects the person (or systems) that committed the trauma.
@@tinkergnomadThis! If you grew up in a dysfunctional or abusive family this is definitely a thing! I mean even if you have a spouse that was abusive and you tried to get away ppl will use that to silence you. Although if you're just telling a random person who can't help you and doesn't have an established relationship with you I can see that as oversharing unless you're a child bc I feel like it would be easier for children to get to safety. The reason why I specify on the child part is because some children might not know that it is not necessarily normal and healthy and may not know how to get out of that situation on their own or what organizations are people to talk to vs an adult may find a shelter or organization easier to contact.
Many companies prohibit their employees from discussing their salaries/compensation with each other, even. It's bs!! We need to keep the push going to destigmatize talking about money and finances with each other considering wealth inequality affects us all and it's a HUGE part of our lives! Completely agree on all points.
I actually *love* talking to oversharers because I tend to be really reserved and it’s fascinating for me hearing about other people’s lives. I often find myself looking at other people in crowded places and thinking, “Wow, everyone is a main character in their own lives with their own completely unique stories and I wish I could know about all of them.”
Same!!! I actually unironically love listening. Your comment really resonates with my experience as a reserved person who gets something special out of those conversations
Please come sit by me. I have been TMI-ed and cringe-worthy-ed by coworkers and family too much in my life. Even when they've specifically asked. Now I'm an undersharer because I'm giving too much detail. I'm sorry my life has been brutal and vicious and over emotionally happy and that's just how I am. My life has gone from people in my family have going away for murder and my little cousin went into modeling. I've had a vivid life that hurts and heals. I didn't know that was TMI I thought it was just everyone's experience.
I believe there's nuance in this subject. As a person with PTSD and a chronic illness, the term "trauma-dumping" has become really misused and overused, even if there are real circumstances where you shouldn't lean too much on the other person. I follow a creator with POTS (invisible disability) who shares content about living with it. She was attacked, saying it was inappropriate for her to mention her disability online. I also follow another creator who made a channel devoted to childhood trauma, and she was attacked by trolls saying "you should never talk about mental health online". But in both cases, these people were vulnerable to destigmatize, educate, and create a place where other sufferers could feel less alone. In many cases, this is just ableism. Treating disability and Mental health as something shameful that should never be mentioned. The "attention-seeking, burdensome disabled person" is a trope that's existed for a long time. I also hear "you can't be vulnerable or vent with anyone except a therapist" which disregards that therapy is so expensive that many people cannot afford it or access it. The waitlist for therapy where I live is THREE YEARS. Do we only get care or help if we are rich and privileged? Bell Hooks once said we need to focus on community care, not just selfish self-care and toxic individualism.
I fully agree with everything you've said. I'm an autistic woman and unlearning the idea that you should keep all the uncomfortable, painful and distressing feelings inside and not "bother" other people with has been and continues to be really fucking hard but ultimately freeing. We are supposed to be living in communities where we have the time and ability to share and process the emotional burdens we carry. We're not supposed to suffer in emotional turmoil and isolation. Further, we've twisted the practice of social shunning from one which reinforced a peaceful and cooperative society (I'm talking pre-agricultural revolution here) by excluding/punishing those who perpetrate antisocial (violent or selfish) behaviours to one which upholds social isolation/individuation for the benefit of those in power (both socially and fiscally) and protects them from disruptio to the seat of their power (control over others and their resources). Like you've said and as was so eloquently put by bell hooks, we need community now more than ever as a means to combat the destructive forces of exploitable individualism. We have so much more than enough if we were to just care for one another first.
Literally this. I’m AuDHD, chronically ill, and disabled, and I’m honestly so sick of being told I am “venting too much” when I say the same amount on the same topic as the other person confiding in me. Like…this is a two way street, we are both supposed to support each other. And if you want that to change or it feels too much, you have to COMMUNICATE that instead of just shutting someone out or calling them toxic for doing the same dynamic that’s been allowed before, especially while you still lean on them. People need to be able to talk to one another to build community. And of course ranting can become toxic, but confiding in a person is not.
Yes!!! Additionally to the therapist part: depending on what kind of therapy you’re having they can be very solution oriented (which works great for me personally) and through that, while still providing a place to share all your feelings confidentially oftentimes - depending on the therapist - there’s parts a therapist can do for you that a friend cannot and the other way around, especially since I’m incredibly dependant on physical touch which a therapist should never provide.
All this!!! Not to mention people who've been repeatedly traumatized by our mental health system (especially "crisis services,"). Also, maintaining silence among traumatized people only benefits the people who caused that trauma. Keeping trauma survivors quiet keeps predators, and abusers safe!!! Yes, consent should be part of it, but I constantly see people shamed for sharing their trauma. Constantly. Who does that serve?
Personally i think it's more about venting vs asking for support vs asking for validation. A lot of trauma dumping is desperately reaching out to be heard or get help but having capacity or blowing up emotionally. It happens. Venting though is taking someone along the ride if your personal emotional processing. Best to ask them if they want to ride along first. Hopefully they can recognize when it's thoughtless or when It's desperation. Asking for support is not necessarily a normalized skill either, plus talking about disability is not normative and being trauma informed has gotten messier with misinformation and commercialization of pop psychology.
I find it so frustrating when people call it bad or taboo to just….talk to one another about our problems. Like human connection is wrong in and of itself.
It’s all the BS folks internalized from being raised in a a majority Christian Patriarchal society. When you talk about your problems they say well just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with life as opposed to sharing any real insight. It’s all toxic ❤
I met my husband because he "overshared" about his traumatic loss and grief. But I also suffered a tramatic loss and talking about it brought us closer. I think people who are hostile about "trauma dumping" lack empathy.
Going thru something traumatic is already so isolating. Being the only one out of your peers to go thru something is even more isolating. Not being able to talk about your life or experiences. Not being able to relate to others. Its all very isolating. This is why people get stuck depressed. Trauma makes you feel like a freak and then society reinforces it out of ignorance and lack of empathy.
I'm definitely an undersharer, especially at work. I often feel like sharing personal details invites people to comment on it, and generally, I don't really want coworkers/acquaintances to comment on my life. For example, I don't tell people I'm vegan at work unless it comes up.
It can be hard, especially on dietary restrictions where people automatically see that as YOU judging THEM by your choice (which doesn't affect them in the slightest)
@pisceanbeauty2503 I tell my new co-workers, just for their own safety, to be careful who they divulge anything vulnerable to. I've had some very shifty coworkers who would use that kind of information against you if you made them mad!
I'm that person, Its only recently i've learned that sometimes people want to share a thing and not have your thoughts on it. I was operating on the thought "oh they must want to know what I think" not " they just want to share something about themselves"
Honestly people have become so callous towards each other that they won't even try to connect with other humans emotionally. Yea, it's definitely uncomfortable when I'm at a bar after a long day of work and a stranger "trauma dumps" on me but that's another human being and to be offended by it is ridiculous and so fucked up. There are times when you should take offense to it, like when people weaponize their trauma because they want something from someone but if someone just doesn't have anyone else to talk to, cant afford a therapist. Listen. It costs you zero dollars to be a good person
God why do you have to word it in such a condescending holier than thou way "A GOOD person would react in this very specific way I say, is FUCKED UP to do or feel otherwise..." Like Jesus, next time just shoot me or something, sorry I can't be a good person because I get uncomfortable and I freeze up when people tell me about their shitty experiences when I didn't ask to be in that position in the first place. What does it feel to be fucking Mary Magdalene, huh?
Reading some of the comments, oversharing/trauma dumping really comes down to a matter of consent. If you've got your own things going on, but someone comes up to you and starts to unload without checking with you first, then it's becomes inappropriate. However, if you've offered to lend your ear to someone, you've consented to hear what they have to say. Consent allows the listener and speaker to prepare for whatever emotions they feel during the course of the exchange. Without consent, the listener can't adequately prepare themselves, which can take a toll on their own mental wellbeing.
But with wildly varying lived experiences can a phrase like "I've had a bad day, can I vent for a bit?" adequately cover how the person will vent? Some people might just say stuff like that person drives me up a wall, while others might vent very dark intrusive thoughts. That mismatch could be damaging on both sides, listener might be very disturbed that their loved one thinks these things, regardless of how real they are and the venter might be hurt by their shocked or disgusted reaction when thinking it was ok to share I think these potential outcomes lead to people either becoming callas and sharing close to every thought or share as little as possible aka the extremes
I agree that this is what oversharing *should* mean. But in reality it often doesn't work out that way, even when consent for sharing is attempted by both parties, since what "appropriate" means can vary so much. For example, imagine a situation where coworker 1 asks, "how is your day going?" and coworker 2 replies, "not so great, but it'll be okay". Sometimes, coworker 1 may commiserate a little, and move on with their day (i.e., find that amount of information appropriate). Sometimes, coworker 1 may be hurt later to find out that coworker 2 had been in a car crash that morning and not shared (i.e., feel coworker 2 undershared). Other times, coworker 1 may be upset that coworker 2 did not reply with "fine" or "great" regardless of how their day had been (feel that coworker 2 overshared). IMHO communication will always involve inherent risk, and until we accept that occasional oversharing is inevitable due to how different all of our standards and experiences are, we're all going to be on edge in completely unnecessary ways.
Yeah, I think it's more than consent. It's informed consent, which feels kinda impossible to obtain in most situations. Undersharing, and oversharing can be interpreted as drastically different between two random people.
I think what you said is fine but that's more in the context of someone that you already have an established relationship with like your friend or siblings, family or SO. But if you just randomly bumped into someone at the grocery store then I think it might be a little bit weird to ask them if you can vent to them about something that's stressing you out while they're just getting groceries for the week.
I couldn't agree more! If I'm available and have the energy for it, you could describe your last week of bowel movements to me IN DETAIL and we'll talk about your diet and health together. There's no topic I consider taboo. However, when you approach me at random, inconvenient times and start unexpectedly dumping about a topic that requires me to emotionally engage you, comfort you, or stop what I'm doing and listen intently for an hour...that's oversharing. It's rude because it's inconsiderate of my time, energy, and boundaries...NOT because of the topic!
From the UK here :) I've been on many sides of this and as I've gotten older, I've grown to appreciate people "over-sharing" more, as long as it isn't one sided. My friend and I were actually discussing this recently and we agreed that it feels like people are actually being more authentic when they communicate this way and are open to listening too, as opposed to making small talk. Personally I find small talk infuriating and incongruent, and conversing with people about deeper things is more enriching and real. People often tell me they feel safe sharing things with me; being able to hold space for people is a privilage. But it is a skill and quality some people lack the tools for. Overall I think society needs to be better eqipped to deal with vulnerability because it is an expression of humanity. Sensitivty, expressing oneself and needing to be heard is not a crime! If only we would teach listening and communication skills more in schools!
I was SAed when I was 17, i've told a handful of people i trust and have been told it was TMI. the interesting thing is that the friends i have that i would describe as overshare-ers didn't call it TMI.
I talked about an abusive relationship on FB and wanted advice. No one helped, but many people told me FB was not the place for it. So, I totally get you. It’s easier for me to find a face to face group to talk to about it. Not the internet. :/
I’m so scared of getting accused of trauma dumping. I don’t always realize that a story I’m sharing is actually traumatic or upsetting until I see the reactions of others. Their reactions are actually very helpful and validating so long as they don’t accuse me of “dumping” on them. I’m just trying to have conversations. When other people tell stories about their childhoods, I feel like I should be able to chime in with my own stories. But it’s hard to know what I should or shouldn’t share so freely. There’s a line between bad things that seem to be okay to share and things that are not okay to share so freely, but where is the line? I think everyone’s line is different and that makes it all very confusing.
I relate so much. I've been accused of trauma dumping even if I'm rejoicing about something I'm doing because I was never allowed/able to do as a kid. Apparently my whole life seems traumatic to some more fortunate individuals 😂 But the thing is, it's my life and my reality and if someone directly asks about it, I refuse to lie and diminish it. I think everyone should be allowed to chime in about their experiences! If someone starts to talk about a topic like childhood, they should accept the fact that very many people actually didn't have a safe and happy childhood. I think it's upsetting to them because they deny that any other reality exists than their own.
@@aquamari6770 I’m super lucky that I’ve managed to avoid the accusation so far. Probably because I don’t talk to a lot of people outside of the TH-cam comments section. And these comments sections have been a great way to talk and be heard. Trauma is so alienating and when we’re told that our lives aren’t “appropriate” to talk about, it further alienated us. A lot of people cannot handle feeling uncomfortable with the awareness that the world isn’t always sunshine and rainbows and life isn’t simple black and white. People who live with trauma can get so used to these uncomfortable feelings that it’s hard for us to recognize that other people might be uncomfortable with it. And that gets even more confusing too because a lot of people with trauma are deeply uncomfortable with things that seem so normal to everyone else. People who cannot handle feeling uncomfortable tend to lash out with anger and accusations. Sometimes that reaction is perfectly justified and appropriate but sometimes it leads to further traumatizing and alienating an already traumatized person. I wish more people would get at least a little more comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. Not enough people are educated about trauma and I really wish they were. Getting a bit comfortable with feeling uncomfortable is necessary when learning about trauma and I think that’s the hard part for a lot of people.
If you already know that some stuff you talk about inherently upsets people then why do you keep doing it and expecting a different result? What is your goal there, really?
Honestly people terrify me at this point. I've pretty much been a hermit for the past decade plus. I try hard not to share, but it leaks out. I really believe the difference between sharing, and oversharing is does the recipient care (or at minimum have cause to pretend to care)? That's why there's a certain type of woman who overshares on screen. That's the punch line. "Haha! Awkward laughter bc she thinks we care." Humanity disgusts me.
CW: SA - consider this *my* oversharing, and scroll on if you don't want it. I also want to add a past experience that has haunted me for years. As a teenager, I was with a large group of kids from my school, all unsupervised because that's the default for my entire generation, and a girl my age from my school came up to me, clearly in shock and told me "I think I've just been graped." I did not know how to respond, and there were a lot more moments like that over the years, some of them mine. Some of them involved violence from parents, and domestic partners. I got better at those conversations, but I was unprepared for them, and how frequently they would be part of my life. Now I want to point out the obvious thing we all seem to be deliberately forgetting when talking about oversharing: - Not talking about these things keeps predators safe. - Shaming people for oversharing, even in popular media just keeps people from coming forward with stories that shine a light on dangerous people. - Shaming people who "overshare," sends a clear and distinct message to the world: we don't really care; keep your trauma to yourself." - People *rarely* overshare on purpose, and rarely because they want to. Most people I've heard describe it as "leaking out." - Most people do not have access to therapy. Many people have been repeatedly traumatized by our mental health system, and the more cut off you are from health insurance and financial resources, the more traumatizing our mental health system will be for you. I really just want to slap people who weaponize "you should go to therapy." Enjoy your privilege, and ingest a satchel of Richards. - People sometimes overshare smaller things to test the waters to see if they're going to be retraumatized by talking to you about bigger things. You're not obligated to listen, but have the fucking decency to stop shaming people for their trauma being so big it leaks out. The people who shame others for suffering, I hope you have the day you deserve. I hope your kids are ugly, and your pet shits on your pillow every night.
This! Same, 💯%. To add, I personally also don’t mind when people, even strangers, share things with me. At this point I’m a sealed book of stories/memories of others. I’m grateful that I made them feel comfortable enough to share, whatever, with me 😊🙏 (in the case of trauma, I’m glad they got it out if that’s what they needed)… but my family describes me as being “too pure/too nice for this world”; so I too am hermit. I’ve been through A LOT, haven’t know much kindness, however I will never let anything dim my light! 🔥 “Be the change you will to see in the world” (Gandhi) & shizzle 💫💚 Hope you, I all who happen to read this, are having a lovely dae/night/life❣️ Peace ☮️ in && out✌️
i can understand why you're disillusioned with people. i'm also afraid of being that punchline myself. hopefully we both find a good support system, because no one deserves to be paranoid of being hurt. i also wanna let you know i care about you, even if i don't know you. i wish you the best 🫂
My dad died very unexpectedly. The next week was his wake/funeral/funeral and the week after that was my brother's wedding. I was at the salon getting my nails done and I was doing a really good job of holding it together. Then the song Im Going to Love you until I lose you came on. I lost it and ugly cried right there in the salon. I was mortified but also a complete wreck. The people around me and the nail techs were nice enough to listen but I felt awful for oversharing. It was just that the crushing blows we were about to go through, the anger that Dad wouldn't be there for my brother, that the happiness was now overshadowed. The people around me helped me see we can make their weekend fun, that its ok to be joyous and sad at the same time. This happened exactly 6 years ago to the day.
Comment before finishing vid: My autistic brain didn't even realise these examples at the start were oversharing! Comment after vid: OMG the kitties are so adorable!! Also I still don't really understand what is over sharing nor do I understand why it is a concept. I feel I am always being too open, yet I do not understand what is appropriate info to give. If my mind thi ks of something relating or I am asked a question I will just give the info. If someone tells me about their medical problems, I don't find it upsetting. It feels very silly that people are upset by simply hearing someone share something, unless it causes them to have a flashback or have a very negative response but how would you know? Also how do you read a room when you can't read body language, tone of voice or facial expression? That isn't just hard. It is impossible!
@@simoneholenstein6977 Yes I agree! Once someone asked what I was doing on an annual leave day. I said an autism assessment, they said I didn't need to tell them that. I was very confused as to why they asked and why they changed their mind.
I didn’t realize they were oversharing either 🤣. Like when I ask someone, “How have you been?” I truly do mean, “Tell me everything.” And I love when people do.
I’m AuDHD and I feel this so much too. I think part of the issue is that NT view certain deeper topics are too personal and too sudden, while Autistic people tend to view small talk as the deeper and invasive thing. So the socializing methods are in the opposite order, making both parties uncomfortable.
@@PretendingToBeAHumanTHIS! This has somehow happened to me with ND friends where my put in is somehow “so much worse” or more inappropriate than theirs. Meanwhile it’s the same topic, just my experience instead of theirs. Like…what?
I agree to an extent, but i feel like reciprocity is key. It's one thing to talk to a friend you've been there for about your issues, it's another to constantly make things about yourself and your issues to the point where your friend feels suffocated and guilting them into staying by using the "community" argument
100% agree, unfortunately in the past I've had to end friendships because the person required me to always emotionally support them and listen to them go on their angry rant and complaints and it was so draining. I actually felt used and unseen and of course when I tried to bring it up the person receiving it didn't understand or was too much in their pain to actually understand how they were affecting me.
@@jclyntoledo absolutely - that's why i wrote this comment, it's one thing to genuinely want support from friends and another to trauma dump. I've had the same experiences as you
In my experience (on both ends) oversharing is REALLY based on asking too much of your audience. If that makes sense. If you tell someone you just met, or barely know, or only work with, details about your life that asks nothing of them, yeah, it might be weird but nobody REALLY cares. The way this becomes a “problem” is when the details you reveal demands something FROM them. Sympathy, the kind where your pain is their pain. Offers of help, or support, or if you need anything. The kind of sad personal struggles where they feel obligated by the personal/ sad nature to offer these things or else they are a bad person. But they resent being forced into offering these things, when they have almost no relationship with you and no desire for one. It’s when they feel you are forcing them to suddenly have a deeper relationship with you, the kind where they can now feel free to count on you FOR stuff. People don’t mind hearing about other people super personal details, but better online or through a third person (gossip). They don’t want to be asked for anything in return. Your sadness demands their sympathy. Your hopes and insecurities demands their support and consistency. Your feeling lost demands they try to help you find. Relationships are work, they are time and labour, and so people are careful how many/ what kinds they enter into. Oversharing can use manners and obligations to force people into being your friend, not just a coworker/ neighbor/ person sitting next to you on a bus. I think that’s why people are uncomfortable. After an over share they feel they are “supposed” to be a certain way, a way they are not and don’t wish to be. That’s my opinion at least. 🤷♀️
This is the problem in a nutshell. Like I met a girl on tinder and after one date she was hinting very clearly that she'd been feeling suicidal recently. I'm a huge advocate for mental health. But it's so much to ask of someone you've just met. I'm also a people pleaser and I've been taken advantage of before by people who love bomb and open up super quickly. So I'm extra careful now. I hate that I have to be but experience has shown me I can't follow my natural empathy too soon in a relationship. People need to show they're safe first.
You've totally hit the nail on the head - the way you explained it perfectly described how it feels to be on the recieving end of oversharing. It's overwhelming, inappropriate for the level of connection between the parties (or the situation) and implies an expectation which, in an attuned scenario wouldn't be an issue but combined with the above, is unbalanced and has not willingly been consented to (the oversharer has violated the social process of bids for connection and has forced the hand of the recipient to participate when no trust or safety has been established). It is important to note though that oversharing is an attempt at connection, albeit an extreme and failed one. The oversharer is so desperate for emotional connection that they rush forward, so starved of meaningful reciprocation, completely ignoring the necessary steps required to build that connection in the first place. And this is why I think we need to pause when someone is oversharing and approach them with compassion but without agreeing to anything which violates your own boundaries. I'm not saying that it's easy or that the oversharer will clock your attempts to steer things in a more acceptable direction, just that there's a very vulnerable, unsure person behind the behaviour.
I think you mean empathy because empathy is when you have to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Sympathy anyone can do, sympathy is just feeling sorry for someone.
@@IshtarNikeI really hope you told her that she should seek professional help or call the crisis line. Also I recently found out from a friend that apparently you can call a number and ask him to do a wellness check on someone.
@@IshtarNike Someone that's hinting that they're suicidal after one meeting from a Tinder app needs professional help and the support of close friends.
To me oversharing is all about surpassing boundaries. There are often unwritten expectations about what is and isn’t acceptable to share in different situations. As a very traumatized ND person I’ve learned that the best way to avoid oversharing is to recognize when information might be uncomfortable to hear about, and then give a very vague description of what I want to share. Next, I check in with myself and whoever I’m talking with to see if it would be okay to share more with them now or even at another time/place. It’s not a flawless system, sometimes I forget, or realize a story is darker/more personal than I had thought while the words are coming out of my mouth. However, doing this check in has really helped me to feel safer expressing my feelings in all sorts of relationships. There are plenty of people who want to listen to you, and consent is key for finding them.
Also this is something I encourage people to do with me too and I think that has helped prevent people from sharing things with me when I can’t give them the response they need. Another very helpful thing has been to encourage myself and others to give an alternative action when one says no to sharing. For example, “This isn’t a good time, but I would be happy to hear about this tonight at home”, or “I’m not really comfortable hearing about that, would this be something you could talk about with your partner instead?”, or “I don’t have the capacity to listen about heavy things right now, is there another way I could support you? Would you like a hug or to watch a movie together?”. I feel like saying things like that helps both parties to respect each other and themselves, and maybe even grow closer in a way that everyone feels comfortable/safe with.
I completely agree and I feel like that's exactly what I would do to for people who already had an established relationship with or if I was trying to build a friendship. The problem is when people keep asking you questions even though you say that it's complicated or they wouldn't really want to hear about it and they keep asking you so that you tell them and then they regret it and it gets awkward. I had friends and aquantances do this and it would always infuriate me bc they asked me like 5 times and I'd finally answer the question and then they get annoyed or think I made things to dark.
@@jclyntoledo to be frank, that sounds a bit like a them-problem. You give them a so-called "trigger warning". On a different note, it also sounds like you weren't exactly comfortable to share that information with them. You're entitled to your privacy and other people should accept and respect it if you don't want to tell them certain information. (Except, of course, if it directly concerns them. E.g. telling a partner you're about to have unprotected sex with that you've also had unprotected sex with others.) But if we're talking about your childhood trauma, no one is entitled to hear that story from you, sharing that is completely up to you.
@@airohtheenby relate so much and thank you for the advice about giving options! I try to do this naturally but it helps to have a script if I ever need to say no
Even on a video discussing the importance of 'oversharing,' I can't bring myself to share my story. Maybe someday I'll feel safe and accepted enough to share. But, as a woman with BPD, Bipolar, PTSD, etc. It made my week hearing someone say that I'm not a burden for wanting to share/connect with others. Getting out of bed and just existing has become so draining that it's hard to talk about anything else. I wish that was more commonly understood and met with comfort rather than awkward silence.
I hate when people over share to me when I'm working, because there is no way for me to leave the conversation and puts me in a weird position to comfort this person, and as an autistic/adhd person, it's really terrible. Example: I ask someone if they found everything alright and then next thing I know a customer is telling me about the details of his wife's death and more very personal things that I didn't ask about or want to know. There are times where oversharing is definitely not okay. On the other hand when I am in the capacity to have the option to leave the situation, it's more enjoyable, sometimes oversharing to a new person is a fun and quick way to get to know them, but it doesn't feel inappropriate, it feels just having a deep conversation or something like that, because I consider oversharing to be unprompted and unwanted and inappropriate I hope this makes sense
Yes! For me this is definitely one of those things where working customer service can be really difficult and also people don't generally mention it as a con of working in customer service. Also sometimes it's hard to follow along with their story when I'm supposed to be trying to do another task for them. When I worked at a bank I would always have performance that would slightly suffer if the person told me what they would like me to help them with and then go into a whole rant or asked me a bunch of questions or bring up some random thing. Like it would literally make me really nervous because I could already tell that it was going to be really hard for me to concentrate on the task because they were going to keep talking about some random thing by the same time I knew that if I asked them to refrain from talking I would get in trouble 😂😭. BTW to clarify I was a new teller.
@@jclyntoledo exactly! I work as a cashier and when I'm counting money or making sure everything is put away and not double scanned, it can be really hard and distracting
Sorry but when you get a job dealing with people you open yourself to that. Being autistic or adhd is no excuse to be callous. Don’t want to deal with people? Then get a job that doesn’t deal with people. Learn to be sympathetic and stop using autism as an excuse to be callous to people.
@@rosefire7231 just because people work in places where human interaction is needed (stores for clothes, food ect) doesn't mean we're there to listen to all of your problems, we're complete strangers after all. There are therapists for that
I mean it could mean that but I think that the definition for oversharing is too broad now. Before when someone said something was TMI they were talking about people like the friend I used to have who was at the time an undiagnosed autistic younger woman that would literally tell ppl all the drama that was happening with her family including the court case for her SA/ rape. I literally had so many people come up to me saying that all they did was ask her how are you or offer to give her a ride home and they would be so happy until she went and said all that. BTW I really try to help that friend and told them that it was not appropriate to tell everyone about their trauma and that they literally have a therapist that. I promise you it didn't matter how much I explained it she would still end up doing it if I wasn't literally standing next to her being like no no, not your whole life story just a short sentence response and only about today not your entire yr or month or whatever.
The Mean Girls clip always plays in my head whenever people are being horrible. Like, genuinely, I feel that. I think everything I said as a neurodivergent, traumatized child was either trauma dumping, info dumping, or finding fault with the other kids (because I didn't have much positive communication modeling at home). Then I stopped talking altogether because I knew people didn't like what I said or how I said it, and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong or how to fix it. Now at 29, I hate small talk but I also fear boring or upsetting people by talking about myself or my interests. I can only really be myself anonymously online.
I went through a whole journey of making friends in my late 30s. I had the opposite problem where I wouldn't share with anyone ever; only small talk. Learning to be vulnerable and tell people about my troubles or past experiences or insecurities was the key to making friends. Because when you share a vulnerable part of yourself, the recipient feels special and relates to you and it creates a bond. I can see where, if you share too fast, it takes away from that feeling of specialness from the recipient and could feel awkward. Great video.
I have that type of face that tells people " yep i can share even my obscurest moments with her even if we don't know each other that much" so people overshare with me and when i wanna do the same, they shut me up....😅
It's a both a curse and a blessing, until someone describes how "they didn't commit murder, they are just bullied at work cause people assume they did", that guy at the bus stop had a harsh week.
I am someone who is often very nervous with other people's oversharing or trauma-dumping. It's not that I'm prudish or lack compassion, it's actually because when someone tells me something I feel obliged to have to do something about it: give advice or actively do something to make a circumstance better. Or even just know what to say to make someone feel better. And yes - there is also a certain element of English discomfort with excessive emotion - guilty as charged. But mostly it's the feeling that I have to then respond appropriately to ameliorate the circumstance, and that feels like excess emotional labour. Which then makes me feel resentful that someone is placing an expectation onto me to fix their problems or carry their burdens when I may not have the capacity to do so. I find that society expects women and femmes to gladly take on the emotional labour of managing other people's feelings, and tbh I find it exhausting. I'm not a therapist, and I really don't like people trauma dumping on me unless we already have a strong, established relationship.
I think that's why it's really important to just stop and ask people when they tell you this stuff. Ask them, what are you actually looking for are you needing advice or did you just want to vent? Most of the time people literally just want to vent or they might want you to just validate them and empathize if you've gone through something similar.
Love this topic! As an ahdh girly I actually had to made a list of things to not share with people I don't know well (money, health problems regarding my gut, very ambitious plans) because neurotypical norms are soooo strange!
I wouldn't necessarily say you can't talk about them I would just say you can't go in depth about it. Like if someone says what's new and what's new for you is that you're going to switch career paths or you're planning some lavish trip or just anything like that I think it's fine to mention it to them. Just don't spend an hr talking about it, allow them to just get a condensed summary of it and if they want to know more they will ask.
Just a reminder that vulnerability doesn’t mean someone is a good person, just like being reserved doesn’t mean you are cold, uncaring, and fake. Some people don’t feel catharsis in opening up. For me it is painful and the attention for something negative feels unwanted. I have a trauma disorder that has been with me much of my life and this likely affects how I feel when I have to open up. I have a few people and some online designated spaces related to heavy topics for opening up, but I only do so if I feel like it needs input or others need to know for either my safety or their own. I will never be the type to just talk to all my friends about some negative experience, or past trauma, or personal fear, because it ‘feels good.’ I also don’t want my trauma and diagnosis to be any more of my identity than necessary. It like my medical issues. I can’t help having an autoimmune disease but it is just a small detail unless I’m in a flare and it’s impacting my life. Otherwise when it’s not active, I don’t want to dwell on it because it doesn’t feel pleasant to do so. Some people just don’t want to think of personal unpleasantries any more than necessary because they want peace. This doesn’t mean you can’t come to them with your problems. Until recent years it was considered good listening skills to just listen, offer support and advise if they want it, and not flip the switch and unload on them. Now apparently people don’t like if you don’t do the latter for some reason and I never got the memo why. I was raised with it being rude to talk about your problems when someone comes to you. I also assume many people have some level of discomfort when they say ‘can I talk to you about something I’m going through’ and I don’t want to add to their stress. I’m also sick of more open people not understanding that what helps them doesn’t help everyone. When I say ‘I had a bad day. I don’t want to talk about it. Tell me something good going on with you’ I want to take my mind off my shit and feel good about someone else’s positive experiences. It’s not unhealthy for me to keep it to myself. I have been in therapy and know how to let things out before they affect my health but also learned that part of that for me means holding onto things until I can talk without emotional and physical discomfort. My process of healing isn’t the same as yours, and that is because everyone is different. Not everyone needs to open up about painful things to everyone, in order to feel close. I can feel close enough without that, where I don’t mind helping others carry their heavy load, or celebrating their good news, or laughing at some weird and potentially embarrassing experience with them. Negative personal experiences like diagnoses, symptoms, struggles, and traumas don’t have to define you. It’s ok if they don’t. It’s ok if you enjoy the power of privacy, and it doesn’t invalidate your friendship of someone has boundaries that are stricter than yours. Please remember this when you meet someone who never wants to talk about it, or says ‘I’m fine’ when they don’t seem fine, or has never shared any sort of heavy personal topic with you after knowing each other for years. They aren’t inherently wrong, or a bad person, and they probably do consider you a good friend. They probably do care when they are supportive to you, and they probably are not some cold, uncaring robot.
Over sharing is just human connection and if it’s someone you’re close or are seeking to be close to I don’t see a problem with it. Sharing deep things with people has always led to more intimate relationships in my life
And if we take the opposite, chronic undersharing leads to loneliness and depression. My boyfriend is soo much better than making friends than me, he is part of like three different friend groups. Guess how many people he has talked to about his mental health? Zero! Those friendships will be worthless to him in times of crisis which is even more fucked up considering that he is always willing to lend someone an ear. Asking people to only be vulnerable with their therapists is the last straw to our society genuinely becoming a dystopia. Call me dramatic but yeah.
I had a coworker once who was *so* interested in whether I wanted kids or not. Would not let the topic drop, seriously, she kept bringing it up for weeks. When I told her in no uncertain terms that I was uncomfortable and the conversation needed to end, she went and talked to our manager and got me fired for “being argumentative and intimidating” The weird thing about this is… *she* wasn’t the type to overshare. I didn’t know anything about her. Extremely weird behavior, to feel entitled to someone else’s info without reciprocating at all. I don’t know what to make of it.
I despise how our society treats the spectrum of emotions. I’m someone who cries pretty “easily” I have autistic meltdowns over things other adults in my life see as petty or selfish even though I physically can’t help it. I can’t not feel my emotions, I can do things afterwards or try to midigate their impact but it’s never enough for the people around me, I’m just expected to not cry to be the bigger person when meanwhile the same person has the same kind of meltdown as me and I have to be respectful or quiet about it because I don’t want to treat others meltdowns how mine are treated. As kids and teens we aren’t sat down and taught how to manage them, what’s appropriate and what to do afterwards so how are we expected to act like adults when the very concept of regulating and expressing our emotions is so vague and policed.
I live in Ballarat Australia just outside Melbourne and this year so far 4 women in my town have been murdered. 3 by partners/eyes... "oversharing" is something that can help prevent domestic violence and help people leave abusive men. Silence breeds violence might be a cliché but it's so fucking true. Ballarat is a town where any talk of gendered violence or preventing DV etc is shut down and you're labelled as oversharing/crazy/too political/too emotional/a crazy green-y feminist etc basically all negative things associated with oversharing and intended to make you shut up about it and accept the status quo of violence and grape culture our town has always had since it was founded in the gold rush.
You raised a very good point! I personally don’t believe in “oversharing”. Life is both great, and traumatic, beautiful yet cruel. We should be able to deal with this fact as mature adults. People who want to sanitise everything are the first ones to be in denial about real life issues and to downplay the serious darkness of certain things that happen in society. The more we talk about it, the less taboos and loneliness we will all face and! more importantly, the more help people coming from abuse will receive!
THANK YOU for noting that there's actually nothing wrong with wanting validation. I'm sooooooo SICK of seeing comments on social media like "ew, she's attention seeking" or "ugh, she's just looking for validation" as if these comments aren't doing the exact same thing 🙄 Worth noting it's almost always either men or "pick me" women who are criticizing women for "attention seeking" behavior. The patriarchy hates it when women take up space. Many men would rather demonize women for "stealing their attention" by showing their bodies, etc. than a.) place blame where it's due (social media companies exploiting all of us), or b.) learning how to control their attention better. I think there's also some purity culture at play here too. When people criticize women for "seeking validation" with their skimpy outfits, it tells me that they're VERY uncomfortable with the tingles they feel between their legs because of what they see. Maybe they've demonized their own sexuality, maybe they feel upset because they know they'll never be able to *actually* be with someone who looks like that because of their own issues... Regardless - rather than accepting those feelings, examining their underlying beliefs, these people would rather make their discomfort someone else's problem. It's the OTHER person's need for validation that's wrong, not MY inability to handle my own feelings. How DARE they victimize me in this way!!!
I internalized this "Don't share too much because nobody cares" BS so much that I even think my future therapist doesn't want to listen to my problems (I have not started therapy yet but I will). I am genuinely scared that I will be the one asking them questions.
Thank you so much for this video. As someone with autism/adhd/ptsd & a verbal processor, this kind of attitude makes me feel like my needs are not okay & I do not belong in this world. Which pretty directly leads to unal*ving ideation.
I’m autistic and have depression and often get confused by what people do and don’t consider oversharing or trauma-dumping… I just don’t know how to tell which parts of my own experience people will consider too personal or too heavy and I just wish people would straightforwardly tell me they were uncomfortable instead of me only realizing once it’s too late because I genuinely don’t want to make people uncomfortable I just feel even worse about myself if I hide completely and I don’t know how to tell where the balance is unless people tell me their boundaries very directly.
It's interesting how oversharing or gossiping is viewed as something negative when in my country if you are an oversharer you're someone who is friendly or open, someone easy to talk to! And don't get me started about gossiping because we do that a lot 😂 the chisme is something we like sharing. Things like that, being open with people around you, makes you connect with them.
One time I had a house fire, and then I went to get get a haircut. I was kind of still in shock, so when the hairdresser asked “how’s your summer been?” I just ended up bursting into laughter. Like, uncontrollable, big, belly-laughter. My mother was waiting to go next, and she heard us and started laughing too. The hairdresser looked back and forth between us, laughed a little, and said “a good summer, then?” Nope! But this moment is so absurd that it kind of makes up for it. There’s a certain sense of power you get from the idea that you can ruin any attempt at small talk. I think that’s what I was laughing at: the realization that I could just. End conversations. Good times.
You're so real for that. I've been there, where a question just triggers you. I am a hairdresser who begrudgingly does small talk. I pretty much exclusively talk about pets, hobbies, TV, music, and food with my clients, and it's a good time :) and if they don't want to talk, we don't. Either way I have fun at my job
Find myself guilty of being a Charlotte, but not in the sense that I don’t let people share or air their grievances. I mean that I refuse to share any of my own problems because of too many people either straight up telling me I’m stressing them out or clearly shifting their mood being upset, but promising they’re not. I wasn’t even sharing too much. I would literally hint to being sad and they’d flip like a light switch. After that, I swore to never tell a soul my issues, and bottle everything up. Safe to say that does more harm than good. Love your videos always!❤️
I'm so sorry to hear that, it's really heartbreaking how people can be, and you honestly shouldn't feel like that as bottling things up only rots us from the inside out and creates a pressure cooker of sorts. This is one of the many reasons why I think the way we function socially really needs to change
This video was so so validating. I am an AMAB, non binary, neuro-divergent queer person and I have really struggled with simply sharing in comment sections and online. I really value my friends and chosen family when it comes to my sharing. It's where I feel most safe to share my ideas and past experiences. Sharing online has caused big insecurities in the past. I have often felt foolish and silly when doing so. I also strongly feel that cis men need to learn to overshare more, to drop their guard more to find solidarity and safety in their families and communities and experience the relief of getting stuff off their minds. Thank you for your great work here on YT. You have Afterall helped me come out of my shell more to sharing my thoughts with this comment. Thank you.
for me it's mostly just -- if i wouldnt want to hear about it, i dont share it with others. idgaf about my coworker's lives, and i dont want them to gaf about mine One of my friends is a big oversharer but whenever someone tells her something about their own lives unprompted she gets all confused like "why did you tell me that? I dont care" like GIRL if you overshare to others, they gonna overshare right back
I can relate to this so much. I have enough shit going on in my personal life and then I still have to listen to other peoples problems. Not to mention that so many are just looking for atrention. My coworker spent months talking about the death of her grandma, while she was still alive!! She was saying things like oh my, I will have to take a day off because she is probably going to die today, creating bad mood in the office and expecting people to listen to her. I always wondered what is going on in their heads when they disclose extremely personal informations. At this point I even know the schedules of my coworkers kids, their problems in marriage, where they live, their past, the names of their family members, medical history ... everything lol
Really appreciated this video! As someone that grew up with domestic violence at home, I had no idea what was normal/ not normal and when people would ask me questions about myself, I had no idea I was “over sharing” but people wouldn’t be very kind and just stopped asking questions entirely and I had a lot of one sided friendships. Also, as someone that has been disabled for two years due to long covid, I again feel like people asking questions and answering with honesty is seen as over sharing which is hurtful because now friends have stopped checking in entirely and don’t want to know how I’m doing. I feel like as a society we don’t talk about disability at all so I think it has to do with that as well.
maybe i’m toxic but i LOVE when people over share to me. i love hearing people’s lore and tea 😂especially if they’re some random that i’ll probably never see again
I was the person everyone would overshare to but the moment it came to me needing to share what was hurting/bothering me, those people would always roll their eyes, literally sigh and express how much of a burden I was being, that I am over reacting and need to get over things. If I acted like this or said this to them, I'd be a bitch. So now, I never share my feelings or my problems to anyone but a therapist. Guess what, people now complain about how I never tell them anything or talk go them about whats bothering me. 🙄 I have learned to stop people from using me as a trauma/emotional dumping ground. I have actually become quite cold and distant with people because of it. After I've gotten to know someone after some time, only then do I give such a friendship. It took a long time for me to learn about one sided relationships and how to prevent them. Good video lovely! Thank you!
I’m neurodivergent, but I’m also incredibly invested in my community and practice vulnerability. Grew up poor, so you had to depend on others to survive. I’m always crying in therapy because the world doesn’t always allow me to express myself in a way that feels comfortable, but I KNOW it is right for me because I develop incredible, lovely relationships. People feel comfortable to come to me with their sadness and insecurity because I so openly express myself. I have so many friends, of all age groups and backgrounds. I love old people! I grew up in a multigenerational and feel comfortable navigating conversations with everyone! I’m “blunt” and honest, but I also feel deeply and CARE about the people I interact with. But not everyone else is like me, and I often get pushback for my sincerity. Working in retail, I also care about building connections with “customers” because, for me, I’m really connecting with people in my community. I know all my neighbors! I check on them during winter storms! I didn’t used to be like this but it took practice. Now I practice validating myself in a world that doesn’t prioritize caring for others. I often wish I lived in a more collectivist society, but I also know I benefit from a strong sense of individualism. A really great video. So closely connected with issues I’m grappling with a lot recently!
Did you use any particular resources to help you connect more with those around you? I've been struggling a lot with connection and would appreciate it if you could share tips!!!
@@gambasfritasconcorbata5936 Therapy helped, honesty, but I know not everyone has access to that. Challenging my initial thought of “no one cares” and changing it to “I care so I want to share with others” is a part of it. I think it helps to think of how you want to be treated and then do that for others. Like, I felt like I wasn’t hearing my name enough, it made me sad and feel unacknowledged. So now I use people’s name when I greet others, make sure I do it for everyone I work with. Then people know I see them and then they see me and then we start talking. I also think just learning about other generations interests can help. I shock old people all the time by knowing what Hee Haw is, or remember a cartoon one of my younger coworkers liked when they were little. I don’t know if that’s all helpful, but I built the courage to unmask and be myself around others and it makes a worlds of difference. I believe in you, bud. Figuring out how to socialize is a skill! Don’t worry too much about what you “should” do and realize instead what you “want” or “need”!
I don't mind talking to people about their problems or trauma, I'm really empathetic. But there's a difference between finding somebody to listen to them and weaponising such expirience to justify their shitty personality or to get what they want through pity. There's this girl I know who reminds that her husband died 3 years ago nd how hard it is to be a single mother every time she wants something from people.
Thank you so, so much for talking about this! And for touching upon the many nuances of this discussion, it was a great watch. I've also been having these thoughts for some time, and seeing how nicely you had put them into words, I felt encouraged to share my own experiences. I'm autistic and I've always been mocked for being awkward and sensitive, or simply vulnerable. So, I tried to grow a thicker skin and conform with the social norms, but along with it came this immense shame and fear for the way that I actually am. For a majority of my life, I was hiding and making myself small, I felt like a husk, an alien, a mistake. I became delusional at some point, and obsessed with proving that I was a real human being, or at least something that was worthy of affection, of being alive. And I could only escape that dark place once I allowed myself to just BE. Since then, I've learned that I am enough as I am, that there are people who understand and appreciate me, that I can form connections and friendships with others, and I am extremely grateful to my loved ones for being open and contributing to these relationships. I honestly love it when people bare their souls, even though I may not always know how to reply or provide comfort in the moment, I like being there and hearing them out. I like being part of a community, I like it when people are honest, compassionate and try to help each other out, and when we allow ourselves to be the children we once were. You are not weak for expressing your feelings and going through hard times, you are a human being. Now, with all that that said, we are not saints, we will judge, that's a part of life, and we absolutely should recognize and call out harmful ideas or behaviour, even in ourselves. Being understanding doesn't mean we should accept everything blindly, but a little empathy would help us to solve conflicts and reach better conclusions. Thank you for being here and keep going, because better days are always coming.
Pay attention to people who overshare and ask them if they are ok, and do it not condescendingly. Love is free, it's easy to be judgemental with everyone, but we don't know what other people are going through. Some people are just looking for a solution and/or advice, cause they don't know where to turn to and how to figure it out alone. When you are young you don't understand how shitty and unfair life can be. Your lived experience might seem easy cause you didn't have any real life-altering problems yet. It's hard to understand until something happens to you that really freaks you out. We all depend on each other, today them, another day might be you. So invest well.
IMO this also applies to the opposite issue where people do not understand how abnormal their situation truly is, a la victims of abuse and DV. It can still feel burdensome at times, but we're morally obligated to do SOMETHING.
Wait young people don't know how unfair life is?? I'm confused so many young people have bad mental health , abusive situations, are poor or homeless, discriminated against.... how do young people not know that .
As an autistic person "overshareing/trauma dumping" is just normal to me. That's how most of my first conversations with people go (from both of us). Because I don't do small talk. When you cut out all the bullshit (small talk) you're left with people's real experiences and opinions. Anything else is just weird to me. To categorize people talking about real things as a bad thing is so confusing. I'm In a completely separate world from people who complain about so called "trauma dumping".
As a therapist, I would define oversharing as unintentionally expanding imprompted on any information about private body or medical issues, mental health struggles, relationship problems or other negative life problems. This is only oversharing of its unprompted by either party. Part of social skills is asking someone if you can vent or ask their advice on a private matter in proper context. A lot of oversharing is done because people don't have appropriate outlets to process these things and have lost a lot of the boundaries between private and public life. Sharing your own private information with consent in proper context is fine... it turns to oversharing only when it's done without consent, often in duress. Someone who has no therapist or friends they feel comfortable processing things with might turn to the internet to vent and regret it later or blurt something out in class or with an acquaintance. That's why it's important to strengthen IRL social supports and seek therapy if you're struggling. If you have trouble with impulse control or identifying social cues, try to find a good therapist❤ if you are comfortable sharing something either with a friend or publicly, it's your personal info to share and your aren't doing it without warning, go for it, that's not a problem.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly autistic at all because the way some other self declared autists manage this basic stuff astounds me like, people my age literally behaving like two dimensional toddlers and expecting you to deal with it and teach them everything nad have the patience for it but like, bitch, you're old enough to teach yourself this stuff, we sadly are not born with some of the inherent skills typicals do, but that doesn't stop us from learning them, and part of that learning is sometimes getting scolded for fucking up too but is not the end of the world to be told "usually people think this is inappropriate" neither is an attack, now people got on this weird posture that like behaving is "erasing autism" but like, what else is there? Forever remaining the same? not growing our social skills ever? Resigning and never challenge ourselves because it might make us look too competent? Is so strange how people keep making up excuses for us ND folk as if we where literally literal little children, I'm so tired of being infantilized constantly like I'm some sort of idiot
Yes...there's no topic I won't talk with you about as long as you respect my time and my boundaries (i.e. "Hey can I vent about something personal? Is now a good time or would later be better?")
@@Homodemon Of course we are able to learn social skills. I have learned extensively but it is also fair to say that i will probably struggle with some things indefinitely.. We also have to recognise that autism is a spectrum. Some people will have a harder time learning even the basics of social interaction completely even if we are talking about autistic people with lower support needs. Same with other things on the spectrum. I have barely any sensory issues with food whilst my friend struggles with trying anything new. It sucks being infantilised but that does not mean autistic people, espeacially younger autistic people don’t deserve a lot of compassion in this area. Navigating boundries is hard for anybody, neurodiverse people doubly so.
@@jayk6447 I hate that, honestly. It makes everything doubly as scary and complex. Relationships requiere so many factors of which you have to keep tabs of, so personally, they're not really worth the headache for me and heartache for others. I got enough self awareness that I'm a complicated and bitter person, also, egoistic, so I rather not subject anyone to me, and honestly, I like solitude, I'm at least lucky that I'm naturally asocial, but to my detriment, people are not very compassionate or understanding towards that either.
@@Homodemon If that is what makes you content there is nothing wrong with living you life like that. Sadly yes people aren’t very understanding of lifestyles diffrent to theirs. If you do ever wish to venture out my tip would be to try with other autistic people. Makes it much easier. I can only come at this from the perspective of someone that has made friends and has been in relationships with people that have for the most part just taken me as i am. Of course there is friction and work but i find it rewarding. Horribly scary at times as well but in the end a positive. My upper point is mainly that i know learning this is hard and it’s okay if someone can’t do that easily but still wants to participate in social interactions and for people to be kind in those situations and not pressure people into conformity. Make aware of social rules, but be aware that some of those rules make no sense to an autistic person without being explained. And for people to understand that they have to set boundries not imply them.
Not talking about things leads to wide ranging exploitation and a breakdown of community. It leads to predators being able to thrive. It leads to loneliness epidemics. Being open and vulnerable leads to actual human connection. It leads to people seeking help and getting support. I hate that so many people just aren't interested in being human.
Kitties!!! Soo... I overshare as small talk. It's partly the ND in me and partly I've been chronically ill for a while now, at a certain point, what sounds like oversharing to some is really just me talking about the only life I've lived for a decade. Whether because of that or my vaguely nomadic tendencies, I've found myself sans friends @ 40, yay!! But like...... I'm old and I really don't know how to communicate without giving away a solid quarter of my life story with every new interaction.......... I don't see me being able to pick up a whole azz "new way to be" at this point.....🤷♀️
I needed to heat this. I am not proud to admit that I have absolutely been judging people around me for “over sharing” and being vulnerable. Not being mean, of course, but not quite striving to understand them either. I have been told that I am “A Samantha” but I never understood what that meant. Thank you for clearing that up for me. Thank you for pointing all this out, too. You are awesome and your kitties are sooo precious!
Yeah, my bf is a twitch streamer and someone lost it on me for talking about something that happened to me that was a traumatic experience in my childhood, but I don't even remember it. She said I should not trauma dump on twitch but so many others had done it in his chat, she never complained about them at all, and I had talked about similar things before. No one cared before her, and he certainly didn't. He always said his stream was safe for people to vent. It was so weird, I honestly think she just didn't like me and it was an excuse to go at me, a few other people agreed lol. But yeah, some people said they could see how it was uncomfortable, and others said I was just talking about something that had happened to me. Because yes bad things happen to people in the real world. It's also just hard for me to know when it draws a line, I'm fairly certain I may be autistic. I am diagnosed adhd, but my brother is diagnosed autism and we know how common it is to have both. To me it isn't a scary situation anymore because it's been done with for so long, you see it in movies, and different media. But to others I guess it makes them uncomfortable to hear about parental abuse. I just have to try harder to not bring those things up in a public place I guess lol. Another thing is you aren't responsible for others triggers, but you also don't want to go out of your way to make people uncomfortable. It's hard.
I agree, there's nuance here. I don't think mentioning something on the internet is the same as, say, treating a friend like a therapist in a way that drains all their energy or causes them to become seriously distressed.
Honestly oversharing doesn't bother me too much bc some of my best friendships have been built off of randomly vibing with a person and talking about everything/anything. Then again this always seems to be with fellow ND people so I'm probably biased. I don't like it at work though bc my job is also gonna be in jeopardy if I respond wrong; I'm autistic so socializing is already kinda tough for me and work is especially a time I have to heavily mask so I don't come off wrong. So like there's a time and a place; you gotta make sure it's safe for both parties to engage in that convo.
Gods I feel this. I am AuDHD, chronically ill, and disabled, and been told I am “too political” when I’m just talking about how I wanna live my life and how something affects me because I’m disabled. (This can include why I like something, saying I like a brand or game or food and that it’s not just my enjoyment, but because of ethical things about it’s creation or production that I support. It could also be, something like preferring to live somewhere because I know it’s safer due to political action and laws they have put in place.) I talk at the dinner table many times because it’s when the fam is together and my parents have more time to hear me. But I can’t do that as much anymore. One person, a friend of mine who lives with us and is now family, (been with us for years) hates it when we talk anything political. They are definitely a person who buries their emotions, and deal with more negative political issues with their birth mother and parent and family, along with being a person of colour, and was raised to not express things, and cannot handle conflict, and so on. I just find it so frustrating since when I say anything on my special interests outside of politics, it is overwhelming for them, but if I talk about anything remotely political, they are uncomfortable or think a fight is coming. (Despite that having been worked on in family therapy and personal therapy and not really being a problem anymore for over a year at this point. We used to be a lot more passionate to a point where it would sound like arguing, or might become a fight because of a lack of legitimate communication. We generally agree on most issues tho.) I find it harder and more overwhelming to talk in a group setting when I do not know the topic as well, since I also have major language processing issues. They are also most likely AuDHD with much different needs than me, and have not had good therapeutic support like I have for years. So, I think some of it is their trauma of fighting coming into play rather than the actual political talk, as we mostly discuss things positively, or just say how we like to live because of a political reason, (i.e. I like this brand and using their products since they support X cause I support.) But I think a lot of it is also just them not having dealt with their negative experiences and assuming we will create more for them. Don’t think it’s unfixable, but I don’t think I should have to be as muzzled in conversation when it doesn’t get out of hand and is very difficult already for me to speak, because they haven’t dealt with their issue and are making it my problem. At the very least, I should be able to talk about my special interests like plants, animals, and legend of Zelda, and they need to let that go. But when they are gone we talk politics and medical stuff (without graphic details since we are eating) and nobody has a problem with it at all. We mostly started talking politics at dinner during 2016 and Covid lockdown as a way to joke about things that were more difficult to discuss. Such as Trump issues. A sort of way to cope about and discuss what is going on which does affect things like where the family will or will not go together.
As someone who's been over-shared at, particularly on public transport, many times in my life - since apparently making eye contact and smiling is all it takes sometimes to open the floodgates; I feel a lot of kinship with front-line retail workers on that front - I would say that a lotta times, it doesn't take long for them to run out of steam. It seems to be enough for them to hear "Oh, that's terrible" or "That sucks, man" a few times. Like, that was all they needed! So it really doesn't feel burdensome at all, and I can keep my boundaries intact by choosing how much to say back to them. Very, very rarely do they actually want ME to talk, which I actually find relieving - I don't have to put any effort into really THINKING hard! On public transport, I don't MIND being rambled at by people who clearly need someone to talk to, because I know I CAN LEAVE AT ANY POINT. I can just LIE, say "oh, this is my stop, bye!" and they'll accept that - at least in my case, no one has ever followed me OFF a bus to KEEP talking at me. It'd be much scarier if they did... but that'd be when I'd walk to the nearest gas station and try to foist them off onto someone else nearby :P I feel the cringe of being overshared at in places where I CAN'T leave whenever I need to. Medical waiting rooms are especially bad for this, since I HAVE to stay, and wait for my appointment. When I was younger, non-optional family functions would be unpleasant in that way, too, since I was dependent on my parents to choose when we'd leave, and this was before ride-share apps! Now that I'm an adult with a Lyft app (they're very similar to Uber, just slightly better for women), I don't feel NEARLY as worried about 'feeling trapped' as I used to. (I got to the end of the video) I guess we all just need to get friggin ad-hoc social-work degrees, huh? In order to navigate this emotionally-draining world... I've had to get an ad-hoc legal degree to get over all the hoops set up against disabled people in America! So what's one more? (crying-laughing emoji) (tone indicator: sarcastic)
Well, if you ask a Dane (or any other Scandinavien) how we're doing, expect the full truth. We dont waste each others time with mindless smalltalk so if you sont want to know, dont ask ;)
quick thoughts: I'm disabled and neurodivergent. I have the classic EDS, POTS, autism, adhd, gay transgender disorder plus a lot of CPTSD. I love hearing about people's pasts and presents. It makes me feel trusted and close to them. And I feel that talking about my life can help my relationships flourish off of understanding. it gets so hard in the workplace though. Neurotypical, able bodied people tend to find the most mundane things inappropriate, and I often have no idea what I should talk about. I get anxious about being awkward and not sociable, but then I'll try to talk about what I find interesting (probably deep sea creatures), and I'm frowned at. I also do homeless outreach in my community. I'm incredibly lucky and grateful to have an actual community, I have so many friends that live nearby, and I chalk that up to being in a 15 minute city with a lot of third places and an amazing DIY music and arts scene. Anyways, the homeless outreach I do is all with my friends, and it works because we care so deeply about each other and our town as a whole. Right now we're working on bridging the social gap between housed and unhoused people. I consider many homeless people to be my friends, and talk to them, hug them, and laugh with them outside of our weekly distros and encampment support. I think many people are afraid of homeless people which is an interesting cross between disability and classism. I can say with confidence that every homeless person is disabled. And I can say with confidence that that is why I feel I can understand and befriend them. A lot of homeless people default to trauma dumping during conversations, and it can make homeless outreach very uncomfortable for housed people. I get how it can be jarring and make the relationship feel very unequal if you're goal is community building and mutual aid, but something I like to bring up to my comrades is that when you're homeless you don't really have much "good news". To be homeless is to be in a constant state of trauma. Besides violence, drug addiction, incarceration and abusive relationships, living on the streets and not having shelter is inherently traumatic. When my homies without homes laugh and tell me something positive, I laugh with them and share in their joy! But when they "trauma dump" I share their pain and offer a shoulder to cry on. Because how can we expect someone experiencing that kind of capitalist horror to not have sad things to say all the time! anyways, great video, this was not quick thoughts at all lol
It makes me sad to think how even more unrealistic/relatable friends the show is now. I absolutely thought it was eild in the day and age it was on TV that they had so much time and space in NYC. (I know there's a reason for the apartment being cheap in the show.) But now, even just the free time is so unrealistic, it makes me extra sad :(
I really appreciated and related to your section regarding oversharing at work/work becoming your third place. I've been unemployed for a year (long story but due to my parents and my partner fortunately I am doing okay) but prior to that I worked in mental health at hospitals for 5 years. My coworkers were my best friends. They were the ones who convinced me to leave my ** relationship (I assume you can fill in the blank, not trying to get my comment deleted) because the truth is that I have a lot of trouble with maintaining adult relationships outside of work. They shared stuff with me too that, for many people, would be considered oversharing. But it wasn't, it was us being kind of like a family. As long as it wasn't actual trauma dumping, like telling someone the details of your childhood trauma, it was just normal. After that, and especially after working exclusively in the mental health care field, I don't really know what oversharing even is when someone else does it. A bit of a ramble, but thank you. And I'd love to see you talk more about how work has replaced third places, including like what I mentioned, where your coworkers are kind of your "family" but you can lose them at any time with no notice if corporate decides there are too many of you.
personally i feel like what oversharing is isn't discussing personal things specifically, but rather how graphic or detailed it is. for example, say someone asks how another person doing. if they've been depressed, they could say "things aren't going so great" or go into detail the severity of it and how debilitating it can be for them and also their battle with self-destructive tendencies, etc etc., basically information that's so overwhelming that they don't know what to do with. of course this is also subject to individual thresholds, but i figured i'd throw my hat into the ring on the topic i've also been that person in the hypothetical. it sucks that i already don't like being a burden, and it doesn't help that there are a lot of people online who are harassed for wanting someone to talk to, or sharing their experiences with mental illness
Amen girl. I'm so happy about your video. I think the older the get, the less you care about uncomfortable conversations or over sharing. Or even people who judge me for sharing myself and being who I am. There are boundaries. I understand there are consequences. But I take accountability.
As someone, who feels like I have a “please talk to me I am so friendly and caring face” I can deal with a lot since it just happens and I don’t really feel like people for the most part are being malicious. They could be a bit lonely, have a unique thought pattern, or a low filter. However, there are those that will intentionally share outright really disturbing things. When this happens I say I that I am not equipped to deal with that concern, and wish them well.
Thank you so much for bringing this up. I've been "*coming to terms*", with how I conduct myself around people who Im not familiar with, and questioning my views on what's appropriate. Ive been accepting that maybe I wasn't as cringe in the past as I am in hindsight, and Ive been telling myself that I was more on-point for THAT time... But it opened up a vacuum of what on earth am I going to do now. It seems like there are no options to move forward or grow, unless you're already set up with a tight knit clique. I'm usually ok with being on my own(sometimes by choice, most of the time -not), but Im 30 now, and in the last few years I felt the need to ground myself and invest in building a little community; just a group or circulation of human interaction that Im not afraid to be around and can rely on looking forward to. Not every day, once a month, or even less would be more than what I could say for the past few years. So much of what you said resonated with me. My head starts to spin when I think about where to start. Any direction I look, a gate slams shut in my face. Lately I can't even tell if Im frantically trying to escape or if I'm sitting still waiting for a change I just know I'm still I'm the same spot. I've been stuck like this for so long. Your videos let me know that so many of us are anchored by the same things, and it gives me hope that something's gotta give
I'm so thankful to be a teenager in the 90's. We didn't have anything to do other than sit round and chat to each other. I miss this so much. I feel like an overgrown teenage oversharer in real life and I've isolated myself because of this. You and your videos are amazing 💖💗
Thank you for this ❤I am an oversharer which makes it so difficult for me to meet new people and grow new friendships because I've been told I go way too deep... but I don't like talking about the weather, where is the best ramen spot or "how about something lighter like if you were a vegetable, what would you be?" I never think I am trauma dumping, I always view it as sharing an experience.... so how?
Not sure why the oversharing, kinda reminds me of when people show themselves dancing, when they're not necessarily professionals, and people cringe at them, because there not as comfortable dancing on stage and such.
I’m a Samantha who reads a room. I am very much in the mindset of: I’ve been thanked so many times for telling someone my truth and them relating, thusly, feeling less alone. The far fewer negative reactions I’ve received (usually from men) just tell me that people WANT the invitation to share and are just too nervous. If I share first then they know I’m not there to judge bc I just bared my soul to them and I went first. 😅
My whole life I’ve been an ‘oversharer’. As a child/teenager/ young adult, I was also told I was too sensitive because I’ve been very expressive with my emotions. Because I know what it’s like to have a natural need to communicate so much, I am very open to anyone who shares something personal with me. As a retail worker, I had people tell me that a close family member had just passed away, that they were going through a divorce, etc. I did my best to be as supportive and respectful as possible while still doing my job. It honestly didn’t feel like a burden for me, and I was more focused on what they were going through than on whether or not I felt uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because of all this that the recent popular usage of the term ‘trauma dumping’ hasn’t sat right with me. I think if people set boundaries for health and well-being, that’s fine and actually can be essential. But I also just feel that communication is so essential as human beings and when we shut ourselves off from other people’s experiences we’re missing out. Even if people feel uncomfortable, just a kind word or a smile can make a big difference to someone who is struggling. It seems worth it to me.
This is incredibly relatable and insightful. I would've loved to contribute to the survey but missed it. Thank you for this video. I always love the perspective you have on things.
I never saw myself as a Carrie- but others told me I was the Carrie... I saw myself also as a Miranda. Listening to this makes me realize I have been both in my life- and the more isolated I am in day to day life, the more of an oversharer I become...
Your kittens are so cute!!! Thank you for this video; it's a topic I have personally been thinking a lot on lately, especially as an autistic person in a climate where there's been a rise in therapy speak and people dropping that term "trauma dumping" about the most insignificant things without even thinking about what it Actually means lol. I agreed with a lot of your points made in this video, particularly about the lack of community spaces/being raised to feel connected to others impacting people's ability to actually engage with vulnerability. I think when people feel they aren't equipped to deal with that kind of stuff, they get insecure or afraid of it instead, and then they get irritated (along the lines of that article about why we hate). It's a big problem I'm hoping to see improve, and I try to do my part where I can by telling people in the appropriate spaces that it's okay to be mutually vunerable/seek comfort from others and that they shouldn't feel ashamed or like they're oversharing in that context. I especially get very sad when my own friends express any kind of negative feelings and then apologize to me for it as though they've committed some social faux pas....I think we should all help each other out and make up for the gaps in our lived experiences through that support. I'd also like to add that I really think a big problem is that people just need to get used to being uncomfortable sometimes. Just because something makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean it is automatically Always bad, and sometimes, in order to learn you Need to be uncomfortable. I think this particular thing very much can go into the whole "white/straight/cis/etc fragility" discussion, in that coming to terms with those kinds of things is Going to be very uncomfortable, and that sometimes you have to engage with other people's unfamiliar lived experiences in order to do better and understand other people. It's very much a muscle that needs to be worked/stretched, and eventually it becomes easier. (Obviously this isn't black and white, and there are circumstances where your discomfort is something you should pay attention to/heed, which is why I tried to specify the context I meant this in.)
The way we equate discomfort of any kind as automatically "bad" is absolutely an issue, I reckon - a symptom of compartmentalization and the way we've been taught, and that if we're uncomfortable, the other person is automatically to blame (obvious caveats here but reflecting on your white/straight/cis fragility comment)
i couldn't care less over oversharing except when it comes to extremely serious things that fall in the case of being totally inappropriate to tell someone (for example in front of children or people that are traumatised too and want to avoid those triggers AND you're aware of it but still do it in a very non-censored way that could shock them) or when, as you said, it is a matter of not expecting THAT amount of emotional labour from someone all the time or at that precise moment, but we all need to share what's troubling us imo, it builds community and bonds
I think the only time I've really overshared with a service worker was the Uber driver who came to pick me up an hour after my grandmother died. It was 2am on a Wednesday. He picked me up in the parking lot of an assisted living facility. And he asked how my night was going so far. I'm from New York, where drivers *never* try to talk to you. And it just seemed like such an absurd question to ask someone leaving a nursing home in the middle of the night that I answered it.
The problem is NOT the “oversharers”, the problem is the people who do NOT KNOW how to receive the gift of another. Now it’s more normalized to take pictures of strangers, but never to ACTUALLY SPEAK with them. 🤢🤮
over the years i feel like ive always gone out of my way to help others and listen to their issues, be a shoulder to cry on. i try my best to listen and be understanding, i think letting people vent is so important and sometimes people jus need to let it out and talk to someone, not a solution per se. alot of my friends are guys and ive listened to them been there for them when theyre sad or going through it. however when i have a problem they dont listen, they just try to solve the issue and get mad when i express i just want them to listen, not try to solve the issue, i can do that myself i just need to vent. its frustrating because when they need to vent, they suddenly understand this concept but when i need to vent they dont get it (im female btw) (also i feel like samantha)
That's so frustrating, and honestly I think it's great that you want to be there for people, but the fact it's not at all reciprocal...it's almost like they're treating you like a stand in girlfriend - you know how men emotionally rely on women to talk their issues through? My guess is your guy friends are single, therefore leaning on you in place of "another woman" in a way. It's a very frustrating situation to be in, like, why can't they talk to eachother about their issues? why do they only lean on you? (hypothetically speaking).Relationships are not one sided, they're never fully 50/50 but there does need to be reciprocity there - be they romantic or platonic relationships
@@BryonyClaire ive never really thought of it like that but i think ur right tbh, most of them are single and those are the ones who tend to do this to me and when ive brought it up, thew few time i try to anyways, they alway say stuff like "its easier to talk to me than get a therapist because i already know them" or "im just so easy to talk to", which is nice they feel that way but also tiring after a while
I'm having to teach my mother's partner how to help my Mum with her emotions. I was brought up my whole life emotionally parentified and having to sooth others feeling emotions, or I was told I was a bad person who didn't care. And now I look around the street and I can't tell if people don't want to talk to me or if they just don't know how to emotion properly. It's like nobody knows how to communicate their feelings in a conversation nowadays. I'm also the PTSD DID CPTSD kind of crowd. But my sister's in law are also nuerosavvy and they are the opposite.
imo bad oversharing is something that happens to me many times. people i barely know like to treat me like a therapist. i used to get paragraphs and paragraphs from people i barely spoke to telling me everything bad thats happened and wanted to know my opinion. some of these people would text me every day like i didnt know them that well!
Thank you so much for this. I was crying this morning thinking about the same things. I was shattered as a child and have no friends. I struggle to start and maintain friendships at the age of 33. I’m trying my hardest though.
I like when people feel comfortable enough to overshare/trauma dump on me, it’s good to listen & learn from others experiences and make them feel heard and validated. I do have a problem tho, when someone you don’t know too well talks at you for hours while intoxicated and doesn’t remember any of it the next day. Having said that I used to be an oversharer, but that’s only for certain friends/ family these days, I prefer listening and not judging otherwise. Prudes are so annoying.
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I'd love to know which character's attitude towards oversharing you have! And for anyone about to re-visit or discover SATC, let's just say some parts really haven't aged well, heck they weren't even "good" at the time 😬😬I still believe you can be a fan of something and critique it at the same time, nuance exists for a reason and SATC provided such a good jumping off point for this larger discussion as they fell right into attitude I have come across perfectly!
I used to be so embarrassed by my grandma over sharing. The number of times I caught her telling strangers about her diarrhea is startling. After she passed earlier this year, I realized what she was really doing. She had been through terrible things and she made herself soft and open to the people around her. Her over sharing was an invitation to share your shit and laugh. At her memorial, over 300 people came, all of them with stories of when she turned up out of the blue to get them through a hard breakup, or how she made them feel better, braver, and less alone. I get it now. It's not just diarrhea. It's remembering how stupid and wonderful life is. I miss her so much. I haven't had diarrhea today, in case you were curious.
As an oversharer this just made me feel so much better about myself. Cheers to your grandma 💟
my grandma used to overshare other peoples information, I remember her telling someone that my sister got her period. I loved my grandma but that was not something that was nice or pleasant about her
If it makes you feel better, I had diarrhea today ❤
Thank you for sharing this story with us
This is so sweet and nice to hear from a fellow oversharer- also, I didn't have diarrhea today either ❤️
Slight tangent : talking about money was called "cringe" and considered so impolite because it directly protected the employers from their employees actually figuring out that they are being undervalued. I do think there are a few things which are labelled cringe because it benefits an exploiter. Like people called children "dramatic" and "rebellious" when they are sharing actual abuse ongoing in their homes.
YES! It's considered rude to talk about salaries etc in the way where we view eachother as the enemy and perhaps "less deserving" of that money (because thats how businesses have framed those conversations) when in fact, it shows the hypocrisy, favoritism and inequality of the business. Another reason why I love unions, but even though I'm in one, there's still not much appetite for people's salaries to be visible because this corporate messaging is so hardwired. And agree on the kid thing too, the kid is shut up super fast for sharing the reality
This! Shaming people for trauma dumping is a means of silencing them, and silencing victims of trauma usually protects the person (or systems) that committed the trauma.
@@tinkergnomadThis! If you grew up in a dysfunctional or abusive family this is definitely a thing! I mean even if you have a spouse that was abusive and you tried to get away ppl will use that to silence you.
Although if you're just telling a random person who can't help you and doesn't have an established relationship with you I can see that as oversharing unless you're a child bc I feel like it would be easier for children to get to safety. The reason why I specify on the child part is because some children might not know that it is not necessarily normal and healthy and may not know how to get out of that situation on their own or what organizations are people to talk to vs an adult may find a shelter or organization easier to contact.
Many companies prohibit their employees from discussing their salaries/compensation with each other, even. It's bs!! We need to keep the push going to destigmatize talking about money and finances with each other considering wealth inequality affects us all and it's a HUGE part of our lives! Completely agree on all points.
YES x100
I actually *love* talking to oversharers because I tend to be really reserved and it’s fascinating for me hearing about other people’s lives. I often find myself looking at other people in crowded places and thinking, “Wow, everyone is a main character in their own lives with their own completely unique stories and I wish I could know about all of them.”
Same!!! I actually unironically love listening. Your comment really resonates with my experience as a reserved person who gets something special out of those conversations
Yes, I love gossip too...
Same ❤
Please come sit by me. I have been TMI-ed and cringe-worthy-ed by coworkers and family too much in my life. Even when they've specifically asked. Now I'm an undersharer because I'm giving too much detail.
I'm sorry my life has been brutal and vicious and over emotionally happy and that's just how I am. My life has gone from people in my family have going away for murder and my little cousin went into modeling. I've had a vivid life that hurts and heals. I didn't know that was TMI I thought it was just everyone's experience.
Same! I love listening to stories and events - I just need to recharge afterwards.
I believe there's nuance in this subject. As a person with PTSD and a chronic illness, the term "trauma-dumping" has become really misused and overused, even if there are real circumstances where you shouldn't lean too much on the other person.
I follow a creator with POTS (invisible disability) who shares content about living with it. She was attacked, saying it was inappropriate for her to mention her disability online. I also follow another creator who made a channel devoted to childhood trauma, and she was attacked by trolls saying "you should never talk about mental health online". But in both cases, these people were vulnerable to destigmatize, educate, and create a place where other sufferers could feel less alone.
In many cases, this is just ableism. Treating disability and Mental health as something shameful that should never be mentioned. The "attention-seeking, burdensome disabled person" is a trope that's existed for a long time.
I also hear "you can't be vulnerable or vent with anyone except a therapist" which disregards that therapy is so expensive that many people cannot afford it or access it. The waitlist for therapy where I live is THREE YEARS. Do we only get care or help if we are rich and privileged?
Bell Hooks once said we need to focus on community care, not just selfish self-care and toxic individualism.
I fully agree with everything you've said. I'm an autistic woman and unlearning the idea that you should keep all the uncomfortable, painful and distressing feelings inside and not "bother" other people with has been and continues to be really fucking hard but ultimately freeing. We are supposed to be living in communities where we have the time and ability to share and process the emotional burdens we carry. We're not supposed to suffer in emotional turmoil and isolation.
Further, we've twisted the practice of social shunning from one which reinforced a peaceful and cooperative society (I'm talking pre-agricultural revolution here) by excluding/punishing those who perpetrate antisocial (violent or selfish) behaviours to one which upholds social isolation/individuation for the benefit of those in power (both socially and fiscally) and protects them from disruptio to the seat of their power (control over others and their resources).
Like you've said and as was so eloquently put by bell hooks, we need community now more than ever as a means to combat the destructive forces of exploitable individualism. We have so much more than enough if we were to just care for one another first.
Literally this. I’m AuDHD, chronically ill, and disabled, and I’m honestly so sick of being told I am “venting too much” when I say the same amount on the same topic as the other person confiding in me. Like…this is a two way street, we are both supposed to support each other. And if you want that to change or it feels too much, you have to COMMUNICATE that instead of just shutting someone out or calling them toxic for doing the same dynamic that’s been allowed before, especially while you still lean on them.
People need to be able to talk to one another to build community. And of course ranting can become toxic, but confiding in a person is not.
Yes!!! Additionally to the therapist part: depending on what kind of therapy you’re having they can be very solution oriented (which works great for me personally) and through that, while still providing a place to share all your feelings confidentially oftentimes - depending on the therapist - there’s parts a therapist can do for you that a friend cannot and the other way around, especially since I’m incredibly dependant on physical touch which a therapist should never provide.
All this!!! Not to mention people who've been repeatedly traumatized by our mental health system (especially "crisis services,").
Also, maintaining silence among traumatized people only benefits the people who caused that trauma. Keeping trauma survivors quiet keeps predators, and abusers safe!!!
Yes, consent should be part of it, but I constantly see people shamed for sharing their trauma. Constantly. Who does that serve?
Personally i think it's more about venting vs asking for support vs asking for validation. A lot of trauma dumping is desperately reaching out to be heard or get help but having capacity or blowing up emotionally. It happens. Venting though is taking someone along the ride if your personal emotional processing. Best to ask them if they want to ride along first. Hopefully they can recognize when it's thoughtless or when It's desperation. Asking for support is not necessarily a normalized skill either, plus talking about disability is not normative and being trauma informed has gotten messier with misinformation and commercialization of pop psychology.
I find it so frustrating when people call it bad or taboo to just….talk to one another about our problems. Like human connection is wrong in and of itself.
It’s all the BS folks internalized from being raised in a a majority Christian Patriarchal society. When you talk about your problems they say well just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with life as opposed to sharing any real insight. It’s all toxic ❤
@@ashleyduckworthyt3224 Glad there are other people here that agree!
I met my husband because he "overshared" about his traumatic loss and grief. But I also suffered a tramatic loss and talking about it brought us closer. I think people who are hostile about "trauma dumping" lack empathy.
Going thru something traumatic is already so isolating. Being the only one out of your peers to go thru something is even more isolating. Not being able to talk about your life or experiences. Not being able to relate to others. Its all very isolating. This is why people get stuck depressed. Trauma makes you feel like a freak and then society reinforces it out of ignorance and lack of empathy.
This comment right here, well said
I'm definitely an undersharer, especially at work. I often feel like sharing personal details invites people to comment on it, and generally, I don't really want coworkers/acquaintances to comment on my life. For example, I don't tell people I'm vegan at work unless it comes up.
It can be hard, especially on dietary restrictions where people automatically see that as YOU judging THEM by your choice (which doesn't affect them in the slightest)
Honestly, I feel like the workplace is the one environment where it is necessary to be conscious about how much you share.
@pisceanbeauty2503 I tell my new co-workers, just for their own safety, to be careful who they divulge anything vulnerable to.
I've had some very shifty coworkers who would use that kind of information against you if you made them mad!
I'm that person, Its only recently i've learned that sometimes people want to share a thing and not have your thoughts on it.
I was operating on the thought "oh they must want to know what I think" not " they just want to share something about themselves"
Yes sis! I relate as a vegan too.
Honestly people have become so callous towards each other that they won't even try to connect with other humans emotionally. Yea, it's definitely uncomfortable when I'm at a bar after a long day of work and a stranger "trauma dumps" on me but that's another human being and to be offended by it is ridiculous and so fucked up. There are times when you should take offense to it, like when people weaponize their trauma because they want something from someone but if someone just doesn't have anyone else to talk to, cant afford a therapist. Listen. It costs you zero dollars to be a good person
God why do you have to word it in such a condescending holier than thou way
"A GOOD person would react in this very specific way I say, is FUCKED UP to do or feel otherwise..."
Like Jesus, next time just shoot me or something, sorry I can't be a good person because I get uncomfortable and I freeze up when people tell me about their shitty experiences when I didn't ask to be in that position in the first place.
What does it feel to be fucking Mary Magdalene, huh?
Reading some of the comments, oversharing/trauma dumping really comes down to a matter of consent. If you've got your own things going on, but someone comes up to you and starts to unload without checking with you first, then it's becomes inappropriate. However, if you've offered to lend your ear to someone, you've consented to hear what they have to say. Consent allows the listener and speaker to prepare for whatever emotions they feel during the course of the exchange. Without consent, the listener can't adequately prepare themselves, which can take a toll on their own mental wellbeing.
But with wildly varying lived experiences can a phrase like "I've had a bad day, can I vent for a bit?" adequately cover how the person will vent? Some people might just say stuff like that person drives me up a wall, while others might vent very dark intrusive thoughts. That mismatch could be damaging on both sides, listener might be very disturbed that their loved one thinks these things, regardless of how real they are and the venter might be hurt by their shocked or disgusted reaction when thinking it was ok to share
I think these potential outcomes lead to people either becoming callas and sharing close to every thought or share as little as possible aka the extremes
I agree that this is what oversharing *should* mean. But in reality it often doesn't work out that way, even when consent for sharing is attempted by both parties, since what "appropriate" means can vary so much.
For example, imagine a situation where coworker 1 asks, "how is your day going?" and coworker 2 replies, "not so great, but it'll be okay".
Sometimes, coworker 1 may commiserate a little, and move on with their day (i.e., find that amount of information appropriate).
Sometimes, coworker 1 may be hurt later to find out that coworker 2 had been in a car crash that morning and not shared (i.e., feel coworker 2 undershared).
Other times, coworker 1 may be upset that coworker 2 did not reply with "fine" or "great" regardless of how their day had been (feel that coworker 2 overshared).
IMHO communication will always involve inherent risk, and until we accept that occasional oversharing is inevitable due to how different all of our standards and experiences are, we're all going to be on edge in completely unnecessary ways.
Yeah, I think it's more than consent. It's informed consent, which feels kinda impossible to obtain in most situations. Undersharing, and oversharing can be interpreted as drastically different between two random people.
I think what you said is fine but that's more in the context of someone that you already have an established relationship with like your friend or siblings, family or SO. But if you just randomly bumped into someone at the grocery store then I think it might be a little bit weird to ask them if you can vent to them about something that's stressing you out while they're just getting groceries for the week.
I couldn't agree more! If I'm available and have the energy for it, you could describe your last week of bowel movements to me IN DETAIL and we'll talk about your diet and health together. There's no topic I consider taboo. However, when you approach me at random, inconvenient times and start unexpectedly dumping about a topic that requires me to emotionally engage you, comfort you, or stop what I'm doing and listen intently for an hour...that's oversharing. It's rude because it's inconsiderate of my time, energy, and boundaries...NOT because of the topic!
From the UK here :) I've been on many sides of this and as I've gotten older, I've grown to appreciate people "over-sharing" more, as long as it isn't one sided. My friend and I were actually discussing this recently and we agreed that it feels like people are actually being more authentic when they communicate this way and are open to listening too, as opposed to making small talk. Personally I find small talk infuriating and incongruent, and conversing with people about deeper things is more enriching and real. People often tell me they feel safe sharing things with me; being able to hold space for people is a privilage. But it is a skill and quality some people lack the tools for.
Overall I think society needs to be better eqipped to deal with vulnerability because it is an expression of humanity. Sensitivty, expressing oneself and needing to be heard is not a crime!
If only we would teach listening and communication skills more in schools!
I was SAed when I was 17, i've told a handful of people i trust and have been told it was TMI. the interesting thing is that the friends i have that i would describe as overshare-ers didn't call it TMI.
I talked about an abusive relationship on FB and wanted advice. No one helped, but many people told me FB was not the place for it. So, I totally get you. It’s easier for me to find a face to face group to talk to about it. Not the internet. :/
I’m so scared of getting accused of trauma dumping. I don’t always realize that a story I’m sharing is actually traumatic or upsetting until I see the reactions of others. Their reactions are actually very helpful and validating so long as they don’t accuse me of “dumping” on them. I’m just trying to have conversations. When other people tell stories about their childhoods, I feel like I should be able to chime in with my own stories. But it’s hard to know what I should or shouldn’t share so freely. There’s a line between bad things that seem to be okay to share and things that are not okay to share so freely, but where is the line? I think everyone’s line is different and that makes it all very confusing.
I relate so much. I've been accused of trauma dumping even if I'm rejoicing about something I'm doing because I was never allowed/able to do as a kid. Apparently my whole life seems traumatic to some more fortunate individuals 😂
But the thing is, it's my life and my reality and if someone directly asks about it, I refuse to lie and diminish it.
I think everyone should be allowed to chime in about their experiences! If someone starts to talk about a topic like childhood, they should accept the fact that very many people actually didn't have a safe and happy childhood. I think it's upsetting to them because they deny that any other reality exists than their own.
@@aquamari6770 I’m super lucky that I’ve managed to avoid the accusation so far. Probably because I don’t talk to a lot of people outside of the TH-cam comments section. And these comments sections have been a great way to talk and be heard. Trauma is so alienating and when we’re told that our lives aren’t “appropriate” to talk about, it further alienated us. A lot of people cannot handle feeling uncomfortable with the awareness that the world isn’t always sunshine and rainbows and life isn’t simple black and white. People who live with trauma can get so used to these uncomfortable feelings that it’s hard for us to recognize that other people might be uncomfortable with it. And that gets even more confusing too because a lot of people with trauma are deeply uncomfortable with things that seem so normal to everyone else. People who cannot handle feeling uncomfortable tend to lash out with anger and accusations. Sometimes that reaction is perfectly justified and appropriate but sometimes it leads to further traumatizing and alienating an already traumatized person. I wish more people would get at least a little more comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. Not enough people are educated about trauma and I really wish they were. Getting a bit comfortable with feeling uncomfortable is necessary when learning about trauma and I think that’s the hard part for a lot of people.
If you already know that some stuff you talk about inherently upsets people then why do you keep doing it and expecting a different result? What is your goal there, really?
@@Homodemon Did you actually read my original comment?
Honestly people terrify me at this point. I've pretty much been a hermit for the past decade plus. I try hard not to share, but it leaks out. I really believe the difference between sharing, and oversharing is does the recipient care (or at minimum have cause to pretend to care)? That's why there's a certain type of woman who overshares on screen. That's the punch line. "Haha! Awkward laughter bc she thinks we care." Humanity disgusts me.
CW: SA - consider this *my* oversharing, and scroll on if you don't want it.
I also want to add a past experience that has haunted me for years. As a teenager, I was with a large group of kids from my school, all unsupervised because that's the default for my entire generation, and a girl my age from my school came up to me, clearly in shock and told me "I think I've just been graped."
I did not know how to respond, and there were a lot more moments like that over the years, some of them mine. Some of them involved violence from parents, and domestic partners. I got better at those conversations, but I was unprepared for them, and how frequently they would be part of my life. Now I want to point out the obvious thing we all seem to be deliberately forgetting when talking about oversharing:
- Not talking about these things keeps predators safe.
- Shaming people for oversharing, even in popular media just keeps people from coming forward with stories that shine a light on dangerous people.
- Shaming people who "overshare," sends a clear and distinct message to the world: we don't really care; keep your trauma to yourself."
- People *rarely* overshare on purpose, and rarely because they want to. Most people I've heard describe it as "leaking out."
- Most people do not have access to therapy. Many people have been repeatedly traumatized by our mental health system, and the more cut off you are from health insurance and financial resources, the more traumatizing our mental health system will be for you. I really just want to slap people who weaponize "you should go to therapy." Enjoy your privilege, and ingest a satchel of Richards.
- People sometimes overshare smaller things to test the waters to see if they're going to be retraumatized by talking to you about bigger things.
You're not obligated to listen, but have the fucking decency to stop shaming people for their trauma being so big it leaks out.
The people who shame others for suffering, I hope you have the day you deserve. I hope your kids are ugly, and your pet shits on your pillow every night.
As someone in a similar boat with social phobia and a past history of being hurt by people, it does make me more scared of people, too.
Totally relate to how these toxic parts of humanity disgusts me.
This! Same, 💯%.
To add, I personally also don’t mind when people, even strangers, share things with me. At this point I’m a sealed book of stories/memories of others. I’m grateful that I made them feel comfortable enough to share, whatever, with me 😊🙏 (in the case of trauma, I’m glad they got it out if that’s what they needed)… but my family describes me as being “too pure/too nice for this world”; so I too am hermit. I’ve been through A LOT, haven’t know much kindness, however I will never let anything dim my light! 🔥 “Be the change you will to see in the world” (Gandhi) & shizzle 💫💚
Hope you, I all who happen to read this, are having a lovely dae/night/life❣️
Peace ☮️ in && out✌️
i can understand why you're disillusioned with people. i'm also afraid of being that punchline myself. hopefully we both find a good support system, because no one deserves to be paranoid of being hurt. i also wanna let you know i care about you, even if i don't know you. i wish you the best 🫂
My dad died very unexpectedly. The next week was his wake/funeral/funeral and the week after that was my brother's wedding. I was at the salon getting my nails done and I was doing a really good job of holding it together. Then the song Im Going to Love you until I lose you came on. I lost it and ugly cried right there in the salon. I was mortified but also a complete wreck. The people around me and the nail techs were nice enough to listen but I felt awful for oversharing. It was just that the crushing blows we were about to go through, the anger that Dad wouldn't be there for my brother, that the happiness was now overshadowed. The people around me helped me see we can make their weekend fun, that its ok to be joyous and sad at the same time. This happened exactly 6 years ago to the day.
Comment before finishing vid:
My autistic brain didn't even realise these examples at the start were oversharing!
Comment after vid: OMG the kitties are so adorable!!
Also I still don't really understand what is over sharing nor do I understand why it is a concept. I feel I am always being too open, yet I do not understand what is appropriate info to give. If my mind thi ks of something relating or I am asked a question I will just give the info. If someone tells me about their medical problems, I don't find it upsetting. It feels very silly that people are upset by simply hearing someone share something, unless it causes them to have a flashback or have a very negative response but how would you know? Also how do you read a room when you can't read body language, tone of voice or facial expression? That isn't just hard. It is impossible!
me too 😅 I really don‘t get why people ask questions they do not wish to hear the answer to 😅
@@simoneholenstein6977 Yes I agree! Once someone asked what I was doing on an annual leave day. I said an autism assessment, they said I didn't need to tell them that. I was very confused as to why they asked and why they changed their mind.
I didn’t realize they were oversharing either 🤣. Like when I ask someone, “How have you been?” I truly do mean, “Tell me everything.” And I love when people do.
I’m AuDHD and I feel this so much too. I think part of the issue is that NT view certain deeper topics are too personal and too sudden, while Autistic people tend to view small talk as the deeper and invasive thing. So the socializing methods are in the opposite order, making both parties uncomfortable.
@@PretendingToBeAHumanTHIS! This has somehow happened to me with ND friends where my put in is somehow “so much worse” or more inappropriate than theirs. Meanwhile it’s the same topic, just my experience instead of theirs. Like…what?
I agree to an extent, but i feel like reciprocity is key. It's one thing to talk to a friend you've been there for about your issues, it's another to constantly make things about yourself and your issues to the point where your friend feels suffocated and guilting them into staying by using the "community" argument
I brought up the importance reciprocity in relationships and boundaries :)
@@BryonyClaire i remember! I was trying to communicate that reciprocity is the difference between seeking support and trauma dumping
100% agree, unfortunately in the past I've had to end friendships because the person required me to always emotionally support them and listen to them go on their angry rant and complaints and it was so draining. I actually felt used and unseen and of course when I tried to bring it up the person receiving it didn't understand or was too much in their pain to actually understand how they were affecting me.
@@jclyntoledo absolutely - that's why i wrote this comment, it's one thing to genuinely want support from friends and another to trauma dump. I've had the same experiences as you
In my experience (on both ends) oversharing is REALLY based on asking too much of your audience. If that makes sense.
If you tell someone you just met, or barely know, or only work with, details about your life that asks nothing of them, yeah, it might be weird but nobody REALLY cares.
The way this becomes a “problem” is when the details you reveal demands something FROM them. Sympathy, the kind where your pain is their pain. Offers of help, or support, or if you need anything. The kind of sad personal struggles where they feel obligated by the personal/ sad nature to offer these things or else they are a bad person. But they resent being forced into offering these things, when they have almost no relationship with you and no desire for one.
It’s when they feel you are forcing them to suddenly have a deeper relationship with you, the kind where they can now feel free to count on you FOR stuff.
People don’t mind hearing about other people super personal details, but better online or through a third person (gossip). They don’t want to be asked for anything in return.
Your sadness demands their sympathy. Your hopes and insecurities demands their support and consistency. Your feeling lost demands they try to help you find.
Relationships are work, they are time and labour, and so people are careful how many/ what kinds they enter into.
Oversharing can use manners and obligations to force people into being your friend, not just a coworker/ neighbor/ person sitting next to you on a bus.
I think that’s why people are uncomfortable. After an over share they feel they are “supposed” to be a certain way, a way they are not and don’t wish to be.
That’s my opinion at least. 🤷♀️
This is the problem in a nutshell. Like I met a girl on tinder and after one date she was hinting very clearly that she'd been feeling suicidal recently. I'm a huge advocate for mental health. But it's so much to ask of someone you've just met. I'm also a people pleaser and I've been taken advantage of before by people who love bomb and open up super quickly. So I'm extra careful now. I hate that I have to be but experience has shown me I can't follow my natural empathy too soon in a relationship. People need to show they're safe first.
You've totally hit the nail on the head - the way you explained it perfectly described how it feels to be on the recieving end of oversharing. It's overwhelming, inappropriate for the level of connection between the parties (or the situation) and implies an expectation which, in an attuned scenario wouldn't be an issue but combined with the above, is unbalanced and has not willingly been consented to (the oversharer has violated the social process of bids for connection and has forced the hand of the recipient to participate when no trust or safety has been established).
It is important to note though that oversharing is an attempt at connection, albeit an extreme and failed one. The oversharer is so desperate for emotional connection that they rush forward, so starved of meaningful reciprocation, completely ignoring the necessary steps required to build that connection in the first place.
And this is why I think we need to pause when someone is oversharing and approach them with compassion but without agreeing to anything which violates your own boundaries. I'm not saying that it's easy or that the oversharer will clock your attempts to steer things in a more acceptable direction, just that there's a very vulnerable, unsure person behind the behaviour.
I think you mean empathy because empathy is when you have to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Sympathy anyone can do, sympathy is just feeling sorry for someone.
@@IshtarNikeI really hope you told her that she should seek professional help or call the crisis line. Also I recently found out from a friend that apparently you can call a number and ask him to do a wellness check on someone.
@@IshtarNike Someone that's hinting that they're suicidal after one meeting from a Tinder app needs professional help and the support of close friends.
To me oversharing is all about surpassing boundaries. There are often unwritten expectations about what is and isn’t acceptable to share in different situations. As a very traumatized ND person I’ve learned that the best way to avoid oversharing is to recognize when information might be uncomfortable to hear about, and then give a very vague description of what I want to share. Next, I check in with myself and whoever I’m talking with to see if it would be okay to share more with them now or even at another time/place. It’s not a flawless system, sometimes I forget, or realize a story is darker/more personal than I had thought while the words are coming out of my mouth. However, doing this check in has really helped me to feel safer expressing my feelings in all sorts of relationships. There are plenty of people who want to listen to you, and consent is key for finding them.
Also this is something I encourage people to do with me too and I think that has helped prevent people from sharing things with me when I can’t give them the response they need.
Another very helpful thing has been to encourage myself and others to give an alternative action when one says no to sharing. For example, “This isn’t a good time, but I would be happy to hear about this tonight at home”, or “I’m not really comfortable hearing about that, would this be something you could talk about with your partner instead?”, or “I don’t have the capacity to listen about heavy things right now, is there another way I could support you? Would you like a hug or to watch a movie together?”. I feel like saying things like that helps both parties to respect each other and themselves, and maybe even grow closer in a way that everyone feels comfortable/safe with.
This, I 100% agree with you! It's OK to feel uncomfortable with certain information and to set your boundaries
I completely agree and I feel like that's exactly what I would do to for people who already had an established relationship with or if I was trying to build a friendship. The problem is when people keep asking you questions even though you say that it's complicated or they wouldn't really want to hear about it and they keep asking you so that you tell them and then they regret it and it gets awkward. I had friends and aquantances do this and it would always infuriate me bc they asked me like 5 times and I'd finally answer the question and then they get annoyed or think I made things to dark.
@@jclyntoledo to be frank, that sounds a bit like a them-problem. You give them a so-called "trigger warning". On a different note, it also sounds like you weren't exactly comfortable to share that information with them. You're entitled to your privacy and other people should accept and respect it if you don't want to tell them certain information. (Except, of course, if it directly concerns them. E.g. telling a partner you're about to have unprotected sex with that you've also had unprotected sex with others.) But if we're talking about your childhood trauma, no one is entitled to hear that story from you, sharing that is completely up to you.
@@airohtheenby relate so much and thank you for the advice about giving options! I try to do this naturally but it helps to have a script if I ever need to say no
Tbh I feel happy when people share their feelings, because it feels like they trust me. But I know that may not always be the case.
Even on a video discussing the importance of 'oversharing,' I can't bring myself to share my story. Maybe someday I'll feel safe and accepted enough to share. But, as a woman with BPD, Bipolar, PTSD, etc. It made my week hearing someone say that I'm not a burden for wanting to share/connect with others. Getting out of bed and just existing has become so draining that it's hard to talk about anything else. I wish that was more commonly understood and met with comfort rather than awkward silence.
You’re not alone ❤
I hate when people over share to me when I'm working, because there is no way for me to leave the conversation and puts me in a weird position to comfort this person, and as an autistic/adhd person, it's really terrible. Example: I ask someone if they found everything alright and then next thing I know a customer is telling me about the details of his wife's death and more very personal things that I didn't ask about or want to know. There are times where oversharing is definitely not okay.
On the other hand when I am in the capacity to have the option to leave the situation, it's more enjoyable, sometimes oversharing to a new person is a fun and quick way to get to know them, but it doesn't feel inappropriate, it feels just having a deep conversation or something like that, because I consider oversharing to be unprompted and unwanted and inappropriate
I hope this makes sense
Yes! For me this is definitely one of those things where working customer service can be really difficult and also people don't generally mention it as a con of working in customer service. Also sometimes it's hard to follow along with their story when I'm supposed to be trying to do another task for them. When I worked at a bank I would always have performance that would slightly suffer if the person told me what they would like me to help them with and then go into a whole rant or asked me a bunch of questions or bring up some random thing. Like it would literally make me really nervous because I could already tell that it was going to be really hard for me to concentrate on the task because they were going to keep talking about some random thing by the same time I knew that if I asked them to refrain from talking I would get in trouble 😂😭. BTW to clarify I was a new teller.
@@jclyntoledo exactly! I work as a cashier and when I'm counting money or making sure everything is put away and not double scanned, it can be really hard and distracting
Sorry but when you get a job dealing with people you open yourself to that. Being autistic or adhd is no excuse to be callous. Don’t want to deal with people? Then get a job that doesn’t deal with people. Learn to be sympathetic and stop using autism as an excuse to be callous to people.
@@rosefire7231 just because people work in places where human interaction is needed (stores for clothes, food ect) doesn't mean we're there to listen to all of your problems, we're complete strangers after all. There are therapists for that
I like hearing people talk about personal stuff. It means they probably feel comfortable with me, and I take it as a compliment.
I mean it could mean that but I think that the definition for oversharing is too broad now. Before when someone said something was TMI they were talking about people like the friend I used to have who was at the time an undiagnosed autistic younger woman that would literally tell ppl all the drama that was happening with her family including the court case for her SA/ rape. I literally had so many people come up to me saying that all they did was ask her how are you or offer to give her a ride home and they would be so happy until she went and said all that.
BTW I really try to help that friend and told them that it was not appropriate to tell everyone about their trauma and that they literally have a therapist that. I promise you it didn't matter how much I explained it she would still end up doing it if I wasn't literally standing next to her being like no no, not your whole life story just a short sentence response and only about today not your entire yr or month or whatever.
The Mean Girls clip always plays in my head whenever people are being horrible. Like, genuinely, I feel that.
I think everything I said as a neurodivergent, traumatized child was either trauma dumping, info dumping, or finding fault with the other kids (because I didn't have much positive communication modeling at home). Then I stopped talking altogether because I knew people didn't like what I said or how I said it, and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong or how to fix it.
Now at 29, I hate small talk but I also fear boring or upsetting people by talking about myself or my interests. I can only really be myself anonymously online.
I went through a whole journey of making friends in my late 30s. I had the opposite problem where I wouldn't share with anyone ever; only small talk. Learning to be vulnerable and tell people about my troubles or past experiences or insecurities was the key to making friends. Because when you share a vulnerable part of yourself, the recipient feels special and relates to you and it creates a bond. I can see where, if you share too fast, it takes away from that feeling of specialness from the recipient and could feel awkward. Great video.
I have that type of face that tells people " yep i can share even my obscurest moments with her even if we don't know each other that much" so people overshare with me and when i wanna do the same, they shut me up....😅
It's a both a curse and a blessing, until someone describes how "they didn't commit murder, they are just bullied at work cause people assume they did", that guy at the bus stop had a harsh week.
I am someone who is often very nervous with other people's oversharing or trauma-dumping. It's not that I'm prudish or lack compassion, it's actually because when someone tells me something I feel obliged to have to do something about it: give advice or actively do something to make a circumstance better. Or even just know what to say to make someone feel better. And yes - there is also a certain element of English discomfort with excessive emotion - guilty as charged. But mostly it's the feeling that I have to then respond appropriately to ameliorate the circumstance, and that feels like excess emotional labour. Which then makes me feel resentful that someone is placing an expectation onto me to fix their problems or carry their burdens when I may not have the capacity to do so.
I find that society expects women and femmes to gladly take on the emotional labour of managing other people's feelings, and tbh I find it exhausting. I'm not a therapist, and I really don't like people trauma dumping on me unless we already have a strong, established relationship.
I think that's why it's really important to just stop and ask people when they tell you this stuff. Ask them, what are you actually looking for are you needing advice or did you just want to vent? Most of the time people literally just want to vent or they might want you to just validate them and empathize if you've gone through something similar.
I am a therapist and I completely agree with what you're saying here.
Love this topic! As an ahdh girly I actually had to made a list of things to not share with people I don't know well (money, health problems regarding my gut, very ambitious plans) because neurotypical norms are soooo strange!
God dammit you literally have the brain and reasoning of a child, next time call yourself an alien too, since is so quirky to you
I'm really glad you did because it is so weird when people randomly come up to you and start talking to you about their poop.
I wouldn't necessarily say you can't talk about them I would just say you can't go in depth about it. Like if someone says what's new and what's new for you is that you're going to switch career paths or you're planning some lavish trip or just anything like that I think it's fine to mention it to them. Just don't spend an hr talking about it, allow them to just get a condensed summary of it and if they want to know more they will ask.
Just a reminder that vulnerability doesn’t mean someone is a good person, just like being reserved doesn’t mean you are cold, uncaring, and fake. Some people don’t feel catharsis in opening up. For me it is painful and the attention for something negative feels unwanted. I have a trauma disorder that has been with me much of my life and this likely affects how I feel when I have to open up. I have a few people and some online designated spaces related to heavy topics for opening up, but I only do so if I feel like it needs input or others need to know for either my safety or their own. I will never be the type to just talk to all my friends about some negative experience, or past trauma, or personal fear, because it ‘feels good.’ I also don’t want my trauma and diagnosis to be any more of my identity than necessary. It like my medical issues. I can’t help having an autoimmune disease but it is just a small detail unless I’m in a flare and it’s impacting my life. Otherwise when it’s not active, I don’t want to dwell on it because it doesn’t feel pleasant to do so.
Some people just don’t want to think of personal unpleasantries any more than necessary because they want peace. This doesn’t mean you can’t come to them with your problems. Until recent years it was considered good listening skills to just listen, offer support and advise if they want it, and not flip the switch and unload on them. Now apparently people don’t like if you don’t do the latter for some reason and I never got the memo why. I was raised with it being rude to talk about your problems when someone comes to you. I also assume many people have some level of discomfort when they say ‘can I talk to you about something I’m going through’ and I don’t want to add to their stress.
I’m also sick of more open people not understanding that what helps them doesn’t help everyone. When I say ‘I had a bad day. I don’t want to talk about it. Tell me something good going on with you’ I want to take my mind off my shit and feel good about someone else’s positive experiences. It’s not unhealthy for me to keep it to myself. I have been in therapy and know how to let things out before they affect my health but also learned that part of that for me means holding onto things until I can talk without emotional and physical discomfort. My process of healing isn’t the same as yours, and that is because everyone is different. Not everyone needs to open up about painful things to everyone, in order to feel close. I can feel close enough without that, where I don’t mind helping others carry their heavy load, or celebrating their good news, or laughing at some weird and potentially embarrassing experience with them. Negative personal experiences like diagnoses, symptoms, struggles, and traumas don’t have to define you. It’s ok if they don’t. It’s ok if you enjoy the power of privacy, and it doesn’t invalidate your friendship of someone has boundaries that are stricter than yours. Please remember this when you meet someone who never wants to talk about it, or says ‘I’m fine’ when they don’t seem fine, or has never shared any sort of heavy personal topic with you after knowing each other for years. They aren’t inherently wrong, or a bad person, and they probably do consider you a good friend. They probably do care when they are supportive to you, and they probably are not some cold, uncaring robot.
Also when people say act like lacking empathy makes you inherently bad
o.o
Over sharing is just human connection and if it’s someone you’re close or are seeking to be close to I don’t see a problem with it. Sharing deep things with people has always led to more intimate relationships in my life
And if we take the opposite, chronic undersharing leads to loneliness and depression. My boyfriend is soo much better than making friends than me, he is part of like three different friend groups. Guess how many people he has talked to about his mental health? Zero! Those friendships will be worthless to him in times of crisis which is even more fucked up considering that he is always willing to lend someone an ear. Asking people to only be vulnerable with their therapists is the last straw to our society genuinely becoming a dystopia. Call me dramatic but yeah.
@@Shirumoon I feel you
I had a coworker once who was *so* interested in whether I wanted kids or not. Would not let the topic drop, seriously, she kept bringing it up for weeks. When I told her in no uncertain terms that I was uncomfortable and the conversation needed to end, she went and talked to our manager and got me fired for “being argumentative and intimidating”
The weird thing about this is… *she* wasn’t the type to overshare. I didn’t know anything about her. Extremely weird behavior, to feel entitled to someone else’s info without reciprocating at all. I don’t know what to make of it.
That´s really sad, hope you found a better job!
I despise how our society treats the spectrum of emotions. I’m someone who cries pretty “easily” I have autistic meltdowns over things other adults in my life see as petty or selfish even though I physically can’t help it. I can’t not feel my emotions, I can do things afterwards or try to midigate their impact but it’s never enough for the people around me, I’m just expected to not cry to be the bigger person when meanwhile the same person has the same kind of meltdown as me and I have to be respectful or quiet about it because I don’t want to treat others meltdowns how mine are treated. As kids and teens we aren’t sat down and taught how to manage them, what’s appropriate and what to do afterwards so how are we expected to act like adults when the very concept of regulating and expressing our emotions is so vague and policed.
I live in Ballarat Australia just outside Melbourne and this year so far 4 women in my town have been murdered. 3 by partners/eyes... "oversharing" is something that can help prevent domestic violence and help people leave abusive men. Silence breeds violence might be a cliché but it's so fucking true. Ballarat is a town where any talk of gendered violence or preventing DV etc is shut down and you're labelled as oversharing/crazy/too political/too emotional/a crazy green-y feminist etc basically all negative things associated with oversharing and intended to make you shut up about it and accept the status quo of violence and grape culture our town has always had since it was founded in the gold rush.
You raised a very good point! I personally don’t believe in “oversharing”. Life is both great, and traumatic, beautiful yet cruel. We should be able to deal with this fact as mature adults. People who want to sanitise everything are the first ones to be in denial about real life issues and to downplay the serious darkness of certain things that happen in society. The more we talk about it, the less taboos and loneliness we will all face and! more importantly, the more help people coming from abuse will receive!
THANK YOU for noting that there's actually nothing wrong with wanting validation. I'm sooooooo SICK of seeing comments on social media like "ew, she's attention seeking" or "ugh, she's just looking for validation" as if these comments aren't doing the exact same thing 🙄
Worth noting it's almost always either men or "pick me" women who are criticizing women for "attention seeking" behavior. The patriarchy hates it when women take up space. Many men would rather demonize women for "stealing their attention" by showing their bodies, etc. than a.) place blame where it's due (social media companies exploiting all of us), or b.) learning how to control their attention better.
I think there's also some purity culture at play here too. When people criticize women for "seeking validation" with their skimpy outfits, it tells me that they're VERY uncomfortable with the tingles they feel between their legs because of what they see. Maybe they've demonized their own sexuality, maybe they feel upset because they know they'll never be able to *actually* be with someone who looks like that because of their own issues... Regardless - rather than accepting those feelings, examining their underlying beliefs, these people would rather make their discomfort someone else's problem. It's the OTHER person's need for validation that's wrong, not MY inability to handle my own feelings. How DARE they victimize me in this way!!!
I internalized this "Don't share too much because nobody cares" BS so much that I even think my future therapist doesn't want to listen to my problems (I have not started therapy yet but I will). I am genuinely scared that I will be the one asking them questions.
Thank you so much for this video. As someone with autism/adhd/ptsd & a verbal processor, this kind of attitude makes me feel like my needs are not okay & I do not belong in this world. Which pretty directly leads to unal*ving ideation.
I’m autistic and have depression and often get confused by what people do and don’t consider oversharing or trauma-dumping… I just don’t know how to tell which parts of my own experience people will consider too personal or too heavy and I just wish people would straightforwardly tell me they were uncomfortable instead of me only realizing once it’s too late because I genuinely don’t want to make people uncomfortable I just feel even worse about myself if I hide completely and I don’t know how to tell where the balance is unless people tell me their boundaries very directly.
It's interesting how oversharing or gossiping is viewed as something negative when in my country if you are an oversharer you're someone who is friendly or open, someone easy to talk to! And don't get me started about gossiping because we do that a lot 😂 the chisme is something we like sharing. Things like that, being open with people around you, makes you connect with them.
What country? I need to move there...
👀
One time I had a house fire, and then I went to get get a haircut.
I was kind of still in shock, so when the hairdresser asked “how’s your summer been?” I just ended up bursting into laughter. Like, uncontrollable, big, belly-laughter. My mother was waiting to go next, and she heard us and started laughing too.
The hairdresser looked back and forth between us, laughed a little, and said “a good summer, then?”
Nope! But this moment is so absurd that it kind of makes up for it.
There’s a certain sense of power you get from the idea that you can ruin any attempt at small talk. I think that’s what I was laughing at: the realization that I could just. End conversations.
Good times.
You're so real for that. I've been there, where a question just triggers you. I am a hairdresser who begrudgingly does small talk. I pretty much exclusively talk about pets, hobbies, TV, music, and food with my clients, and it's a good time :) and if they don't want to talk, we don't. Either way I have fun at my job
Find myself guilty of being a Charlotte, but not in the sense that I don’t let people share or air their grievances. I mean that I refuse to share any of my own problems because of too many people either straight up telling me I’m stressing them out or clearly shifting their mood being upset, but promising they’re not. I wasn’t even sharing too much. I would literally hint to being sad and they’d flip like a light switch. After that, I swore to never tell a soul my issues, and bottle everything up. Safe to say that does more harm than good.
Love your videos always!❤️
I'm so sorry to hear that, it's really heartbreaking how people can be, and you honestly shouldn't feel like that as bottling things up only rots us from the inside out and creates a pressure cooker of sorts. This is one of the many reasons why I think the way we function socially really needs to change
This video was so so validating. I am an AMAB, non binary, neuro-divergent queer person and I have really struggled with simply sharing in comment sections and online. I really value my friends and chosen family when it comes to my sharing. It's where I feel most safe to share my ideas and past experiences. Sharing online has caused big insecurities in the past. I have often felt foolish and silly when doing so.
I also strongly feel that cis men need to learn to overshare more, to drop their guard more to find solidarity and safety in their families and communities and experience the relief of getting stuff off their minds.
Thank you for your great work here on YT. You have Afterall helped me come out of my shell more to sharing my thoughts with this comment. Thank you.
Over sharing has become such a disliked thing that I can't even be vulnerable with my own, closest, friends.
for me it's mostly just -- if i wouldnt want to hear about it, i dont share it with others. idgaf about my coworker's lives, and i dont want them to gaf about mine
One of my friends is a big oversharer but whenever someone tells her something about their own lives unprompted she gets all confused like "why did you tell me that? I dont care" like GIRL if you overshare to others, they gonna overshare right back
I can relate to this so much. I have enough shit going on in my personal life and then I still have to listen to other peoples problems. Not to mention that so many are just looking for atrention. My coworker spent months talking about the death of her grandma, while she was still alive!! She was saying things like oh my, I will have to take a day off because she is probably going to die today, creating bad mood in the office and expecting people to listen to her. I always wondered what is going on in their heads when they disclose extremely personal informations.
At this point I even know the schedules of my coworkers kids, their problems in marriage, where they live, their past, the names of their family members, medical history ... everything lol
I love listening to people overshare. I dont do it myself.
I am a listener, so I think even if I wanted to talk about myself, I probably couldn’t. :/ But I like listening too.
Really appreciated this video! As someone that grew up with domestic violence at home, I had no idea what was normal/ not normal and when people would ask me questions about myself, I had no idea I was “over sharing” but people wouldn’t be very kind and just stopped asking questions entirely and I had a lot of one sided friendships. Also, as someone that has been disabled for two years due to long covid, I again feel like people asking questions and answering with honesty is seen as over sharing which is hurtful because now friends have stopped checking in entirely and don’t want to know how I’m doing. I feel like as a society we don’t talk about disability at all so I think it has to do with that as well.
maybe i’m toxic but i LOVE when people over share to me. i love hearing people’s lore and tea 😂especially if they’re some random that i’ll probably never see again
I was the person everyone would overshare to but the moment it came to me needing to share what was hurting/bothering me, those people would always roll their eyes, literally sigh and express how much of a burden I was being, that I am over reacting and need to get over things.
If I acted like this or said this to them, I'd be a bitch.
So now, I never share my feelings or my problems to anyone but a therapist. Guess what, people now complain about how I never tell them anything or talk go them about whats bothering me. 🙄
I have learned to stop people from using me as a trauma/emotional dumping ground. I have actually become quite cold and distant with people because of it.
After I've gotten to know someone after some time, only then do I give such a friendship. It took a long time for me to learn about one sided relationships and how to prevent them.
Good video lovely! Thank you!
I’m neurodivergent, but I’m also incredibly invested in my community and practice vulnerability. Grew up poor, so you had to depend on others to survive. I’m always crying in therapy because the world doesn’t always allow me to express myself in a way that feels comfortable, but I KNOW it is right for me because I develop incredible, lovely relationships. People feel comfortable to come to me with their sadness and insecurity because I so openly express myself. I have so many friends, of all age groups and backgrounds. I love old people! I grew up in a multigenerational and feel comfortable navigating conversations with everyone! I’m “blunt” and honest, but I also feel deeply and CARE about the people I interact with. But not everyone else is like me, and I often get pushback for my sincerity. Working in retail, I also care about building connections with “customers” because, for me, I’m really connecting with people in my community. I know all my neighbors! I check on them during winter storms! I didn’t used to be like this but it took practice. Now I practice validating myself in a world that doesn’t prioritize caring for others. I often wish I lived in a more collectivist society, but I also know I benefit from a strong sense of individualism. A really great video. So closely connected with issues I’m grappling with a lot recently!
Did you use any particular resources to help you connect more with those around you? I've been struggling a lot with connection and would appreciate it if you could share tips!!!
@@gambasfritasconcorbata5936 Therapy helped, honesty, but I know not everyone has access to that. Challenging my initial thought of “no one cares” and changing it to “I care so I want to share with others” is a part of it. I think it helps to think of how you want to be treated and then do that for others. Like, I felt like I wasn’t hearing my name enough, it made me sad and feel unacknowledged. So now I use people’s name when I greet others, make sure I do it for everyone I work with. Then people know I see them and then they see me and then we start talking. I also think just learning about other generations interests can help. I shock old people all the time by knowing what Hee Haw is, or remember a cartoon one of my younger coworkers liked when they were little. I don’t know if that’s all helpful, but I built the courage to unmask and be myself around others and it makes a worlds of difference. I believe in you, bud. Figuring out how to socialize is a skill! Don’t worry too much about what you “should” do and realize instead what you “want” or “need”!
I don't mind talking to people about their problems or trauma, I'm really empathetic. But there's a difference between finding somebody to listen to them and weaponising such expirience to justify their shitty personality or to get what they want through pity. There's this girl I know who reminds that her husband died 3 years ago nd how hard it is to be a single mother every time she wants something from people.
Thank you so, so much for talking about this! And for touching upon the many nuances of this discussion, it was a great watch. I've also been having these thoughts for some time, and seeing how nicely you had put them into words, I felt encouraged to share my own experiences.
I'm autistic and I've always been mocked for being awkward and sensitive, or simply vulnerable. So, I tried to grow a thicker skin and conform with the social norms, but along with it came this immense shame and fear for the way that I actually am. For a majority of my life, I was hiding and making myself small, I felt like a husk, an alien, a mistake. I became delusional at some point, and obsessed with proving that I was a real human being, or at least something that was worthy of affection, of being alive. And I could only escape that dark place once I allowed myself to just BE. Since then, I've learned that I am enough as I am, that there are people who understand and appreciate me, that I can form connections and friendships with others, and I am extremely grateful to my loved ones for being open and contributing to these relationships.
I honestly love it when people bare their souls, even though I may not always know how to reply or provide comfort in the moment, I like being there and hearing them out. I like being part of a community, I like it when people are honest, compassionate and try to help each other out, and when we allow ourselves to be the children we once were. You are not weak for expressing your feelings and going through hard times, you are a human being.
Now, with all that that said, we are not saints, we will judge, that's a part of life, and we absolutely should recognize and call out harmful ideas or behaviour, even in ourselves. Being understanding doesn't mean we should accept everything blindly, but a little empathy would help us to solve conflicts and reach better conclusions.
Thank you for being here and keep going, because better days are always coming.
Pay attention to people who overshare and ask them if they are ok, and do it not condescendingly.
Love is free, it's easy to be judgemental with everyone, but we don't know what other people are going through.
Some people are just looking for a solution and/or advice, cause they don't know where to turn to and how to figure it out alone.
When you are young you don't understand how shitty and unfair life can be.
Your lived experience might seem easy cause you didn't have any real life-altering problems yet.
It's hard to understand until something happens to you that really freaks you out.
We all depend on each other, today them, another day might be you.
So invest well.
IMO this also applies to the opposite issue where people do not understand how abnormal their situation truly is, a la victims of abuse and DV. It can still feel burdensome at times, but we're morally obligated to do SOMETHING.
Wait young people don't know how unfair life is?? I'm confused so many young people have bad mental health , abusive situations, are poor or homeless, discriminated against.... how do young people not know that .
As an autistic person "overshareing/trauma dumping" is just normal to me. That's how most of my first conversations with people go (from both of us). Because I don't do small talk. When you cut out all the bullshit (small talk) you're left with people's real experiences and opinions. Anything else is just weird to me. To categorize people talking about real things as a bad thing is so confusing. I'm In a completely separate world from people who complain about so called "trauma dumping".
As a therapist, I would define oversharing as unintentionally expanding imprompted on any information about private body or medical issues, mental health struggles, relationship problems or other negative life problems. This is only oversharing of its unprompted by either party. Part of social skills is asking someone if you can vent or ask their advice on a private matter in proper context. A lot of oversharing is done because people don't have appropriate outlets to process these things and have lost a lot of the boundaries between private and public life. Sharing your own private information with consent in proper context is fine... it turns to oversharing only when it's done without consent, often in duress. Someone who has no therapist or friends they feel comfortable processing things with might turn to the internet to vent and regret it later or blurt something out in class or with an acquaintance. That's why it's important to strengthen IRL social supports and seek therapy if you're struggling. If you have trouble with impulse control or identifying social cues, try to find a good therapist❤ if you are comfortable sharing something either with a friend or publicly, it's your personal info to share and your aren't doing it without warning, go for it, that's not a problem.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly autistic at all because the way some other self declared autists manage this basic stuff astounds me like, people my age literally behaving like two dimensional toddlers and expecting you to deal with it and teach them everything nad have the patience for it but like, bitch, you're old enough to teach yourself this stuff, we sadly are not born with some of the inherent skills typicals do, but that doesn't stop us from learning them, and part of that learning is sometimes getting scolded for fucking up too but is not the end of the world to be told "usually people think this is inappropriate" neither is an attack, now people got on this weird posture that like behaving is "erasing autism" but like, what else is there? Forever remaining the same? not growing our social skills ever? Resigning and never challenge ourselves because it might make us look too competent?
Is so strange how people keep making up excuses for us ND folk as if we where literally literal little children, I'm so tired of being infantilized constantly like I'm some sort of idiot
Yes...there's no topic I won't talk with you about as long as you respect my time and my boundaries (i.e. "Hey can I vent about something personal? Is now a good time or would later be better?")
@@Homodemon Of course we are able to learn social skills. I have learned extensively but it is also fair to say that i will probably struggle with some things indefinitely..
We also have to recognise that autism is a spectrum. Some people will have a harder time learning even the basics of social interaction completely even if we are talking about autistic people with lower support needs.
Same with other things on the spectrum. I have barely any sensory issues with food whilst my friend struggles with trying anything new.
It sucks being infantilised but that does not mean autistic people, espeacially younger autistic people don’t deserve a lot of compassion in this area.
Navigating boundries is hard for anybody, neurodiverse people doubly so.
@@jayk6447 I hate that, honestly. It makes everything doubly as scary and complex. Relationships requiere so many factors of which you have to keep tabs of, so personally, they're not really worth the headache for me and heartache for others.
I got enough self awareness that I'm a complicated and bitter person, also, egoistic, so I rather not subject anyone to me, and honestly, I like solitude, I'm at least lucky that I'm naturally asocial, but to my detriment, people are not very compassionate or understanding towards that either.
@@Homodemon If that is what makes you content there is nothing wrong with living you life like that. Sadly yes people aren’t very understanding of lifestyles diffrent to theirs. If you do ever wish to venture out my tip would be to try with other autistic people. Makes it much easier.
I can only come at this from the perspective of someone that has made friends and has been in relationships with people that have for the most part just taken me as i am. Of course there is friction and work but i find it rewarding. Horribly scary at times as well but in the end a positive.
My upper point is mainly that i know learning this is hard and it’s okay if someone can’t do that easily but still wants to participate in social interactions and for people to be kind in those situations and not pressure people into conformity. Make aware of social rules, but be aware that some of those rules make no sense to an autistic person without being explained. And for people to understand that they have to set boundries not imply them.
Not talking about things leads to wide ranging exploitation and a breakdown of community. It leads to predators being able to thrive. It leads to loneliness epidemics. Being open and vulnerable leads to actual human connection. It leads to people seeking help and getting support. I hate that so many people just aren't interested in being human.
Kitties!!! Soo... I overshare as small talk. It's partly the ND in me and partly I've been chronically ill for a while now, at a certain point, what sounds like oversharing to some is really just me talking about the only life I've lived for a decade.
Whether because of that or my vaguely nomadic tendencies, I've found myself sans friends @ 40, yay!! But like...... I'm old and I really don't know how to communicate without giving away a solid quarter of my life story with every new interaction.......... I don't see me being able to pick up a whole azz "new way to be" at this point.....🤷♀️
I needed to heat this. I am not proud to admit that I have absolutely been judging people around me for “over sharing” and being vulnerable. Not being mean, of course, but not quite striving to understand them either. I have been told that I am “A Samantha” but I never understood what that meant. Thank you for clearing that up for me. Thank you for pointing all this out, too. You are awesome and your kitties are sooo precious!
“Emotions are feminine” is like people saying “only women have hormones”
Yeah, my bf is a twitch streamer and someone lost it on me for talking about something that happened to me that was a traumatic experience in my childhood, but I don't even remember it. She said I should not trauma dump on twitch but so many others had done it in his chat, she never complained about them at all, and I had talked about similar things before. No one cared before her, and he certainly didn't. He always said his stream was safe for people to vent. It was so weird, I honestly think she just didn't like me and it was an excuse to go at me, a few other people agreed lol.
But yeah, some people said they could see how it was uncomfortable, and others said I was just talking about something that had happened to me. Because yes bad things happen to people in the real world. It's also just hard for me to know when it draws a line, I'm fairly certain I may be autistic. I am diagnosed adhd, but my brother is diagnosed autism and we know how common it is to have both. To me it isn't a scary situation anymore because it's been done with for so long, you see it in movies, and different media. But to others I guess it makes them uncomfortable to hear about parental abuse. I just have to try harder to not bring those things up in a public place I guess lol.
Another thing is you aren't responsible for others triggers, but you also don't want to go out of your way to make people uncomfortable. It's hard.
I agree, there's nuance here. I don't think mentioning something on the internet is the same as, say, treating a friend like a therapist in a way that drains all their energy or causes them to become seriously distressed.
Honestly oversharing doesn't bother me too much bc some of my best friendships have been built off of randomly vibing with a person and talking about everything/anything. Then again this always seems to be with fellow ND people so I'm probably biased.
I don't like it at work though bc my job is also gonna be in jeopardy if I respond wrong; I'm autistic so socializing is already kinda tough for me and work is especially a time I have to heavily mask so I don't come off wrong.
So like there's a time and a place; you gotta make sure it's safe for both parties to engage in that convo.
Gods I feel this. I am AuDHD, chronically ill, and disabled, and been told I am “too political” when I’m just talking about how I wanna live my life and how something affects me because I’m disabled. (This can include why I like something, saying I like a brand or game or food and that it’s not just my enjoyment, but because of ethical things about it’s creation or production that I support. It could also be, something like preferring to live somewhere because I know it’s safer due to political action and laws they have put in place.) I talk at the dinner table many times because it’s when the fam is together and my parents have more time to hear me. But I can’t do that as much anymore.
One person, a friend of mine who lives with us and is now family, (been with us for years) hates it when we talk anything political. They are definitely a person who buries their emotions, and deal with more negative political issues with their birth mother and parent and family, along with being a person of colour, and was raised to not express things, and cannot handle conflict, and so on. I just find it so frustrating since when I say anything on my special interests outside of politics, it is overwhelming for them, but if I talk about anything remotely political, they are uncomfortable or think a fight is coming. (Despite that having been worked on in family therapy and personal therapy and not really being a problem anymore for over a year at this point. We used to be a lot more passionate to a point where it would sound like arguing, or might become a fight because of a lack of legitimate communication. We generally agree on most issues tho.) I find it harder and more overwhelming to talk in a group setting when I do not know the topic as well, since I also have major language processing issues. They are also most likely AuDHD with much different needs than me, and have not had good therapeutic support like I have for years. So, I think some of it is their trauma of fighting coming into play rather than the actual political talk, as we mostly discuss things positively, or just say how we like to live because of a political reason, (i.e. I like this brand and using their products since they support X cause I support.) But I think a lot of it is also just them not having dealt with their negative experiences and assuming we will create more for them. Don’t think it’s unfixable, but I don’t think I should have to be as muzzled in conversation when it doesn’t get out of hand and is very difficult already for me to speak, because they haven’t dealt with their issue and are making it my problem. At the very least, I should be able to talk about my special interests like plants, animals, and legend of Zelda, and they need to let that go.
But when they are gone we talk politics and medical stuff (without graphic details since we are eating) and nobody has a problem with it at all. We mostly started talking politics at dinner during 2016 and Covid lockdown as a way to joke about things that were more difficult to discuss. Such as Trump issues. A sort of way to cope about and discuss what is going on which does affect things like where the family will or will not go together.
As someone who's been over-shared at, particularly on public transport, many times in my life - since apparently making eye contact and smiling is all it takes sometimes to open the floodgates; I feel a lot of kinship with front-line retail workers on that front - I would say that a lotta times, it doesn't take long for them to run out of steam. It seems to be enough for them to hear "Oh, that's terrible" or "That sucks, man" a few times. Like, that was all they needed! So it really doesn't feel burdensome at all, and I can keep my boundaries intact by choosing how much to say back to them. Very, very rarely do they actually want ME to talk, which I actually find relieving - I don't have to put any effort into really THINKING hard!
On public transport, I don't MIND being rambled at by people who clearly need someone to talk to, because I know I CAN LEAVE AT ANY POINT. I can just LIE, say "oh, this is my stop, bye!" and they'll accept that - at least in my case, no one has ever followed me OFF a bus to KEEP talking at me. It'd be much scarier if they did... but that'd be when I'd walk to the nearest gas station and try to foist them off onto someone else nearby :P
I feel the cringe of being overshared at in places where I CAN'T leave whenever I need to. Medical waiting rooms are especially bad for this, since I HAVE to stay, and wait for my appointment. When I was younger, non-optional family functions would be unpleasant in that way, too, since I was dependent on my parents to choose when we'd leave, and this was before ride-share apps! Now that I'm an adult with a Lyft app (they're very similar to Uber, just slightly better for women), I don't feel NEARLY as worried about 'feeling trapped' as I used to.
(I got to the end of the video) I guess we all just need to get friggin ad-hoc social-work degrees, huh? In order to navigate this emotionally-draining world... I've had to get an ad-hoc legal degree to get over all the hoops set up against disabled people in America! So what's one more? (crying-laughing emoji) (tone indicator: sarcastic)
Thank you for speaking about spoons and masking!!
the kitties are so cute omg.. sometimes i overshare beacause i overexplain things out of fear of being percieved in a way i dont intend for!
Well, if you ask a Dane (or any other Scandinavien) how we're doing, expect the full truth.
We dont waste each others time with mindless smalltalk so if you sont want to know, dont ask ;)
quick thoughts: I'm disabled and neurodivergent. I have the classic EDS, POTS, autism, adhd, gay transgender disorder plus a lot of CPTSD. I love hearing about people's pasts and presents. It makes me feel trusted and close to them. And I feel that talking about my life can help my relationships flourish off of understanding. it gets so hard in the workplace though. Neurotypical, able bodied people tend to find the most mundane things inappropriate, and I often have no idea what I should talk about. I get anxious about being awkward and not sociable, but then I'll try to talk about what I find interesting (probably deep sea creatures), and I'm frowned at. I also do homeless outreach in my community. I'm incredibly lucky and grateful to have an actual community, I have so many friends that live nearby, and I chalk that up to being in a 15 minute city with a lot of third places and an amazing DIY music and arts scene. Anyways, the homeless outreach I do is all with my friends, and it works because we care so deeply about each other and our town as a whole. Right now we're working on bridging the social gap between housed and unhoused people. I consider many homeless people to be my friends, and talk to them, hug them, and laugh with them outside of our weekly distros and encampment support. I think many people are afraid of homeless people which is an interesting cross between disability and classism. I can say with confidence that every homeless person is disabled. And I can say with confidence that that is why I feel I can understand and befriend them. A lot of homeless people default to trauma dumping during conversations, and it can make homeless outreach very uncomfortable for housed people. I get how it can be jarring and make the relationship feel very unequal if you're goal is community building and mutual aid, but something I like to bring up to my comrades is that when you're homeless you don't really have much "good news". To be homeless is to be in a constant state of trauma. Besides violence, drug addiction, incarceration and abusive relationships, living on the streets and not having shelter is inherently traumatic. When my homies without homes laugh and tell me something positive, I laugh with them and share in their joy! But when they "trauma dump" I share their pain and offer a shoulder to cry on. Because how can we expect someone experiencing that kind of capitalist horror to not have sad things to say all the time! anyways, great video, this was not quick thoughts at all lol
It makes me sad to think how even more unrealistic/relatable friends the show is now. I absolutely thought it was eild in the day and age it was on TV that they had so much time and space in NYC. (I know there's a reason for the apartment being cheap in the show.) But now, even just the free time is so unrealistic, it makes me extra sad :(
Community and third places are so important. Building them is definitely a labor of love.
I waiver between “oversharing” and “keeping to myself”…..
Neurodivergent too.
I really appreciated and related to your section regarding oversharing at work/work becoming your third place. I've been unemployed for a year (long story but due to my parents and my partner fortunately I am doing okay) but prior to that I worked in mental health at hospitals for 5 years. My coworkers were my best friends. They were the ones who convinced me to leave my ** relationship (I assume you can fill in the blank, not trying to get my comment deleted) because the truth is that I have a lot of trouble with maintaining adult relationships outside of work. They shared stuff with me too that, for many people, would be considered oversharing. But it wasn't, it was us being kind of like a family. As long as it wasn't actual trauma dumping, like telling someone the details of your childhood trauma, it was just normal. After that, and especially after working exclusively in the mental health care field, I don't really know what oversharing even is when someone else does it.
A bit of a ramble, but thank you. And I'd love to see you talk more about how work has replaced third places, including like what I mentioned, where your coworkers are kind of your "family" but you can lose them at any time with no notice if corporate decides there are too many of you.
personally i feel like what oversharing is isn't discussing personal things specifically, but rather how graphic or detailed it is. for example, say someone asks how another person doing. if they've been depressed, they could say "things aren't going so great" or go into detail the severity of it and how debilitating it can be for them and also their battle with self-destructive tendencies, etc etc., basically information that's so overwhelming that they don't know what to do with. of course this is also subject to individual thresholds, but i figured i'd throw my hat into the ring on the topic
i've also been that person in the hypothetical. it sucks that i already don't like being a burden, and it doesn't help that there are a lot of people online who are harassed for wanting someone to talk to, or sharing their experiences with mental illness
SATC is just the show that keeps on giving, in so many avenues! 🙂
Amen girl. I'm so happy about your video. I think the older the get, the less you care about uncomfortable conversations or over sharing. Or even people who judge me for sharing myself and being who I am. There are boundaries. I understand there are consequences. But I take accountability.
As someone, who feels like I have a “please talk to me I am so friendly and caring face” I can deal with a lot since it just happens and I don’t really feel like people for the most part are being malicious. They could be a bit lonely, have a unique thought pattern, or a low filter. However, there are those that will intentionally share outright really disturbing things. When this happens I say I that I am not equipped to deal with that concern, and wish them well.
Thank you so much for bringing this up. I've been "*coming to terms*", with how I conduct myself around people who Im not familiar with, and questioning my views on what's appropriate. Ive been accepting that maybe I wasn't as cringe in the past as I am in hindsight, and Ive been telling myself that I was more on-point for THAT time... But it opened up a vacuum of what on earth am I going to do now.
It seems like there are no options to move forward or grow, unless you're already set up with a tight knit clique.
I'm usually ok with being on my own(sometimes by choice, most of the time -not), but Im 30 now, and in the last few years I felt the need to ground myself and invest in building a little community; just a group or circulation of human interaction that Im not afraid to be around and can rely on looking forward to. Not every day, once a month, or even less would be more than what I could say for the past few years.
So much of what you said resonated with me. My head starts to spin when I think about where to start. Any direction I look, a gate slams shut in my face. Lately I can't even tell if Im frantically trying to escape or if I'm sitting still waiting for a change I just know I'm still I'm the same spot. I've been stuck like this for so long.
Your videos let me know that so many of us are anchored by the same things, and it gives me hope that something's gotta give
I'm so thankful to be a teenager in the 90's. We didn't have anything to do other than sit round and chat to each other. I miss this so much. I feel like an overgrown teenage oversharer in real life and I've isolated myself because of this. You and your videos are amazing 💖💗
Thank you for this ❤I am an oversharer which makes it so difficult for me to meet new people and grow new friendships because I've been told I go way too deep... but I don't like talking about the weather, where is the best ramen spot or "how about something lighter like if you were a vegetable, what would you be?"
I never think I am trauma dumping, I always view it as sharing an experience.... so how?
Not sure why the oversharing, kinda reminds me of when people show themselves dancing, when they're not necessarily professionals, and people cringe at them, because there not as comfortable dancing on stage and such.
I gotta say your eyeshadow is killing it. I love all the colors!
As a late one life diagnosed neurodivergent I feel so seen. Thank you ❤
WHOAA!!! YOU ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE NOT MASKING!!! GOD ITS HARD OUT HERE!
STAY SAFE YALL MASK UP !!
❤❤❤
I’m a Samantha who reads a room. I am very much in the mindset of: I’ve been thanked so many times for telling someone my truth and them relating, thusly, feeling less alone. The far fewer negative reactions I’ve received (usually from men) just tell me that people WANT the invitation to share and are just too nervous. If I share first then they know I’m not there to judge bc I just bared my soul to them and I went first. 😅
My whole life I’ve been an ‘oversharer’. As a child/teenager/ young adult, I was also told I was too sensitive because I’ve been very expressive with my emotions. Because I know what it’s like to have a natural need to communicate so much, I am very open to anyone who shares something personal with me. As a retail worker, I had people tell me that a close family member had just passed away, that they were going through a divorce, etc. I did my best to be as supportive and respectful as possible while still doing my job. It honestly didn’t feel like a burden for me, and I was more focused on what they were going through than on whether or not I felt uncomfortable.
Maybe it’s because of all this that the recent popular usage of the term ‘trauma dumping’ hasn’t sat right with me. I think if people set boundaries for health and well-being, that’s fine and actually can be essential. But I also just feel that communication is so essential as human beings and when we shut ourselves off from other people’s experiences we’re missing out. Even if people feel uncomfortable, just a kind word or a smile can make a big difference to someone who is struggling. It seems worth it to me.
This is incredibly relatable and insightful. I would've loved to contribute to the survey but missed it. Thank you for this video. I always love the perspective you have on things.
I never saw myself as a Carrie- but others told me I was the Carrie... I saw myself also as a Miranda. Listening to this makes me realize I have been both in my life- and the more isolated I am in day to day life, the more of an oversharer I become...
Your kittens are so cute!!!
Thank you for this video; it's a topic I have personally been thinking a lot on lately, especially as an autistic person in a climate where there's been a rise in therapy speak and people dropping that term "trauma dumping" about the most insignificant things without even thinking about what it Actually means lol. I agreed with a lot of your points made in this video, particularly about the lack of community spaces/being raised to feel connected to others impacting people's ability to actually engage with vulnerability.
I think when people feel they aren't equipped to deal with that kind of stuff, they get insecure or afraid of it instead, and then they get irritated (along the lines of that article about why we hate). It's a big problem I'm hoping to see improve, and I try to do my part where I can by telling people in the appropriate spaces that it's okay to be mutually vunerable/seek comfort from others and that they shouldn't feel ashamed or like they're oversharing in that context. I especially get very sad when my own friends express any kind of negative feelings and then apologize to me for it as though they've committed some social faux pas....I think we should all help each other out and make up for the gaps in our lived experiences through that support.
I'd also like to add that I really think a big problem is that people just need to get used to being uncomfortable sometimes. Just because something makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean it is automatically Always bad, and sometimes, in order to learn you Need to be uncomfortable. I think this particular thing very much can go into the whole "white/straight/cis/etc fragility" discussion, in that coming to terms with those kinds of things is Going to be very uncomfortable, and that sometimes you have to engage with other people's unfamiliar lived experiences in order to do better and understand other people. It's very much a muscle that needs to be worked/stretched, and eventually it becomes easier. (Obviously this isn't black and white, and there are circumstances where your discomfort is something you should pay attention to/heed, which is why I tried to specify the context I meant this in.)
The way we equate discomfort of any kind as automatically "bad" is absolutely an issue, I reckon - a symptom of compartmentalization and the way we've been taught, and that if we're uncomfortable, the other person is automatically to blame (obvious caveats here but reflecting on your white/straight/cis fragility comment)
i couldn't care less over oversharing except when it comes to extremely serious things that fall in the case of being totally inappropriate to tell someone (for example in front of children or people that are traumatised too and want to avoid those triggers AND you're aware of it but still do it in a very non-censored way that could shock them) or when, as you said, it is a matter of not expecting THAT amount of emotional labour from someone all the time or at that precise moment, but we all need to share what's troubling us imo, it builds community and bonds
thank you for mentioning masking at the end! this video was so refreshing and empathetic
I think the only time I've really overshared with a service worker was the Uber driver who came to pick me up an hour after my grandmother died. It was 2am on a Wednesday. He picked me up in the parking lot of an assisted living facility. And he asked how my night was going so far.
I'm from New York, where drivers *never* try to talk to you. And it just seemed like such an absurd question to ask someone leaving a nursing home in the middle of the night that I answered it.
The problem is NOT the “oversharers”, the problem is the people who do NOT KNOW how to receive the gift of another.
Now it’s more normalized to take pictures of strangers, but never to ACTUALLY SPEAK with them.
🤢🤮
over the years i feel like ive always gone out of my way to help others and listen to their issues, be a shoulder to cry on. i try my best to listen and be understanding, i think letting people vent is so important and sometimes people jus need to let it out and talk to someone, not a solution per se. alot of my friends are guys and ive listened to them been there for them when theyre sad or going through it. however when i have a problem they dont listen, they just try to solve the issue and get mad when i express i just want them to listen, not try to solve the issue, i can do that myself i just need to vent. its frustrating because when they need to vent, they suddenly understand this concept but when i need to vent they dont get it (im female btw) (also i feel like samantha)
That's so frustrating, and honestly I think it's great that you want to be there for people, but the fact it's not at all reciprocal...it's almost like they're treating you like a stand in girlfriend - you know how men emotionally rely on women to talk their issues through? My guess is your guy friends are single, therefore leaning on you in place of "another woman" in a way. It's a very frustrating situation to be in, like, why can't they talk to eachother about their issues? why do they only lean on you? (hypothetically speaking).Relationships are not one sided, they're never fully 50/50 but there does need to be reciprocity there - be they romantic or platonic relationships
@@BryonyClaire ive never really thought of it like that but i think ur right tbh, most of them are single and those are the ones who tend to do this to me and when ive brought it up, thew few time i try to anyways, they alway say stuff like "its easier to talk to me than get a therapist because i already know them" or "im just so easy to talk to", which is nice they feel that way but also tiring after a while
I'm having to teach my mother's partner how to help my Mum with her emotions. I was brought up my whole life emotionally parentified and having to sooth others feeling emotions, or I was told I was a bad person who didn't care. And now I look around the street and I can't tell if people don't want to talk to me or if they just don't know how to emotion properly. It's like nobody knows how to communicate their feelings in a conversation nowadays.
I'm also the PTSD DID CPTSD kind of crowd. But my sister's in law are also nuerosavvy and they are the opposite.
"it was never gonna be pheobe" ....maybe I should've realised I was ND earlier.....
I was always surprised when she wasn't someone's fave
imo bad oversharing is something that happens to me many times. people i barely know like to treat me like a therapist. i used to get paragraphs and paragraphs from people i barely spoke to telling me everything bad thats happened and wanted to know my opinion. some of these people would text me every day like i didnt know them that well!
Bless you for featuring Kelly the patron saint of SHOES!
Thank you so much for this. I was crying this morning thinking about the same things. I was shattered as a child and have no friends. I struggle to start and maintain friendships at the age of 33. I’m trying my hardest though.
something you said about half way through reminded me of a lyric, “all this distance that I’ve displaces never made me feel less alone”
very thoughful and touching video, really encouraged me to be more vulnerable with people
I like when people feel comfortable enough to overshare/trauma dump on me, it’s good to listen & learn from others experiences and make them feel heard and validated. I do have a problem tho, when someone you don’t know too well talks at you for hours while intoxicated and doesn’t remember any of it the next day. Having said that I used to be an oversharer, but that’s only for certain friends/ family these days, I prefer listening and not judging otherwise. Prudes are so annoying.
Loved when Sam had a “I’m not having a baby party” on SATC. :) She won me over.