If you ever do want to participate in surveys, subscribe and turn on the bell notification so you're notified anytime i post! It was so hard to trim this video down, it could easily have been over an hour long, huge thanks again to everyone who participated! I'd love for pretty privilege and lookism to not exist, and for people to feel worthy just for being who they are, we are all different, some excel in some areas in life and others are happy being in the middle, and tbh, I'd much rather have a nice cosy life with a good community I'm part of anyday over feeling constant pressure to be exceptional 🤍
i love surveys but i must sound off on something. disclaimer: this is not a hate post, i am merely educating because i know you are a trans ally. separating male and female from transgender is not correct. transgender is not a gender.... it's a descriptor (opposite: cisgender) . there is a small portion of people (a handful probably, ive only encountered one personally) who do identify as trans and nothing else, but generally speaking it is not a gender unto itself. i am transgender AND female. therefore i am a transgender female (the term that the endocrine society uses for trans women) . and vice versa with trans men. with nonbinary people this is of course different - there are many who identify as e.g female and nonbinary but - and im not going to speak for nonbinary folks here but i am assuming - nonbinary is the "primary" identity and would then suffice as an option instead of having 342 different gender options like "nonbinary female" and etc (which would be nearly exhaustive and mostly accurate, but also tooooo complex) cheers, Asuka the Survey Lover
I was going to say I missed out the survey to this one, but before I comment any further (cus I'm in the middle of watching), thank you for making these videos as always!
I had a "glow up"( I lost weight and decided to wear makeup) my last year and a half of highschool, recently I got married and through us moving due to him being in the army I stopped going to the gym and I get stresses easy and my weight has gone up I tell myself I'll go back to the gym soon once we are settled and I'll be fine, it's hard not to look at me two years ago and not envy who I was, but I remind myself I use to eat under 1200 calories witch has caused many issues with my relationship with food ( this lead to binging witch had a hand in the weight gain) my new husband reminds me that he loves me no matter what but he also pushed me to better myself, it feels strange to be that even tho I'm not skinny he still loves me the same he did when we were 17, I wish diet culture never got ahold of me so my poor body image wouldn't effect my day to day life, sorry for the rant! Feels good to talk about it
Within the past year a new coworker joined our team, and she's basically a Disney princess. She's tall, blonde, skinny, classically beautiful, stylish, incredibly and genuinely kind, thoughtful, and friendly. She's an absolute gem of a human, and I just couldn't believe it was truly who she was at first. It really made me sit with myself and untangle why I felt that way. Surprise! It was my own baggage that came from being treated unkindly for my own appearance combined with that difficult to fully uproot internalized misogyny. I thought I had dealt with those feelings more completely by my current age, but those roots stretch deep. The work to get rid of them really is worth it though.
Never notice that until now. I awlays feel like super pretty and conventionally attractive people are being fake and that they can't actually be nice or kind behind closed doors
@@genesbeans570 i think a lot of attractive people ARE fake because they get groomed from early age into taking advantage of their looks. and so they become unkind people for that reason.
I have definitely been harassed, eyed lewdly, or stalked on multiple occasions and my internal dialogue is “wtf. I’m not even that hot. Go away.” Not just, “eww gross. F off.” The “not pretty enough to be graped” dialogue is way too pervasive and I’m sad that I’m probably not the only one who’s internalized it.
Yes!!! This!!! This is literally my internal monologue everytime. This dialogue is not something just you internalized, this is in fact the response I've gotten and seen other not so attractive girls get, whenever they tried to get help for SA.
I used that as my excuse anytime I was scared or doing something dangerous when I’ve literally been SA and had a stalker and when I’d tell my “friend” she would say I didnt try hard enough to fight back or that I’m making it up :/
statistically, "unattractive" women are more likely to be victims of all types of violence, especially sexual. its SO weird seeing women dressed up, wealthy and confident making tiktoks worried about how they will be trafficked walking home when almost all victims are part of the lowest, most vulnerable parts of society: runaways, homeless women, poor women and women who are severely mentally ill. women who will have no one looking for them or there to support them, women who are deemed "dirty" or "gross" by society, and women who no one will believe. unfortunately, the media knows it is much harder to make people sympathize with unattractive women living in poverty.
'just not living life because you felt like you're not worthy to even take risks or even do stuff because you're not pretty enough' - i feel so seen right now!!
I was called ugly many times between the ages of 10 and 13, mainly by other kids but when ADULTS called me ugly was when it hurt the most. In 5th grade I participated in a school contest and I had to have my picture taken. I didn't know about this so I dressed normally and had my hair in a ponytail. This grown ass man in his 50s that took the photo said to me: "Leave your hair down, you look like a boy. Do you like to look like this?" And then he pointed to a classmate and said: "Look how pretty she is, why don't you wear your hair like her?". So after 15 years I still can't wear my hair in a ponytail in public and I tend to hide my face with my hair. I know it's my responsability to heal my trauma after so many years but it's frustrating that these adults are out there bullying kids and giving them trauma.
I was told I looked elderly with my hair under a wrap. The person told me I looked like an ugly elderly person. My mother told me ugly girls look like boys and I looked like a bot with my hair cut. She was trying to make me less of a tomboy but it made me refuse to cut my hair off when it was falling out years later because I didn't want to get ugly. I was tomboyish but still girl enough to want to be pretty. I still can't cut my hair or cover my hair. In fact I prefer covering my face with hair no matter how many times pell tell me short hair makes me cheeky pop.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, that guy sounds vile. What does a dude in his 50s care about how a 5th grade girl wears her hair?? That ish would’ve traumatized me too.
A hairdresser told me something like, never get a short haircut after he washed my hair. The implication was it was helping with my face and I was ugly 😂 yeah, I still don't consider myself attractive but at least I don't care now.
God I'm sorry these replies you got under ur comment are gross. Anyway I feel like the vast majority of people are average but are bullied into believing otherwise, especially when you are like me: an autistic queer girl in a very neurotypical school. As time goes on the normal average is becoming considered uglier when it just isn't true. These standards of 'pretty' keep changing so I just try not to apply them to myself despite it being difficult. Example: 150 years ago a double chin would have been seen as the standard of beauty, now it's considered unsightly. It's completely made up by the people around us. You likely aren't weird or unattractive, the people around you are just so obsessed with modern standards they take it out on anyone they view as diverting from the norm. When in reality all features you are born with are inherently normal. You just have to find people who aren't like that which absolutely do exist! I found other neurodivergent people and now my beauty is no longer a topic of conversation, everyone just wants to hear my info dump! It's all about the perception of the people around you unfortunately. Not everyone deserves you so keep that in mind when someone won't accept you! It still stings but so does their shitty shallow personality.
I was so filled with self hatred over my appearance in my youth that I always tried to ignore it and invest in my brain instead. Over time i came to accept that it’s okay to be average. In fact, I realised that I was happier not being noticed. Putting on scrubs was extremely liberating and whenever Im wearing them I truly feel like myself. I no longer care what i look like, my body is an instrument of healing and I couldn’t be happier to have such a strong healthy vessel for my brain.
Yup- your body is a home for you, that belongs to you, & is there to serve you. And what you do with your body, especially your mind, is where your value lies...
Re seeking male validation: I can pinpoint the exact moment I realised it was a scam! My ex said he rated me 8/10 because "there's always room for improvement" while he was supposedly head over heels for me and found me more attractive than anyone on the planet 😂 and he was one of the "good" ones! Yikes on many bikes
Hey, i rate myself an 8! 8 is definitely above average, though not perfect - being called an 8 is no insult and no reason to feel insecure. Big L for your ex for not being honest previously though.
I consider myself an 8 maybe 8.5 on my best days, I think 8 is very attractive but totally understand that's not nice to feel from a partner! To me 10 is like a Victoria secret model. I think the "always room for improvement" is super scrummy though, definitely trying to neg you with that one.
Tbh, 8 in my country is seen as great. If you get an 8 you can just go into med school or any other university study of your choice, so yeah ... 10 is seen as not possible. Though I was pissed when teachers would only allow grades to go up to 8, because it could mean that your average could only go down :/ Anyway, grading people is weird.
I'm 47. I was getting ready to go into the grocery store after a really long day at work. I happened to glance in my rear view mirror before I got out of the car. I looked like a mess. ( I work at a physically demanding job). I put it out of my mind. I got home and while I'm cooking my dinner I started sobbing thinking how awful I look. I've had a rough past couple of years and due to the stress I have multiple health issues. I never concerned myself with my looks. I never got much romantic attention growing up. I saw myself as average looking. I guess it bothering me more than I thought. Luckily I'll be working with a new therapist tomorrow. I had been unpacking a lot of trauma previously. This reminds me that I still have a way to go. I do appreciate your videos. Many thanks. 😊
I hope you get the support you need. I guess one benefit of living in a small country is that I get to see our "celebrities" in real life, up close, without all the trickery, on the regular. I do think that media gives people a very warped sense of reality. I bet you look just like anybody else does after working all day. I hope you gain what you need to love & protect yourself more.
I was treated ugly and bullied so much in high school but I was always praised for being naturally skinny so I ended up becoming anorexic cause I thought it was my only good trait :/
Yeah but even that’s a mixed bag, comments about my “slimness” either marveling how i never gain weight & gotten “fat” or how i look weird and sickly lol
Same. Being considered "naturally skinny" by others became a prison because it meant that I could never risk any slight amount of weight gain because then people would comment on and judge me negatively on it as if i'd failed at my one skill of being skinny
The pressure to stay skinny is real. I remember my aunties talking about how "I'd get fat when i got older" so hitting puberty and gaining thighs was an absolute nightmare.
This made me look at my google photos. I found pictures from 2010-2013 where I thought I was so ugly and unlovable. Started crying looking back at how sweet and innocent I was. I just want to give my younger self a good, long hug and tell me how inherently worthy she is. And still am. I am so loved by myself and my fiancé and we are expecting our daughter in July. I will do my best to build her confidence and self love so she doesn’t have to go through the same extreme self hate, BPD hell I’ve been trough❤️
This is so real! I feel that experience of looking back on pictures from when I genuinely HATED how I looked and seeing a cute little kid is so healing ❤️
I grew up with a pretty face but overweight. And the complex that came with being told "you would be so hot if you lost like 30 lbs" was horrible. That of course led to disordered eating. And I ended up with some of the worst men I ever knew because I was just craving attention from men. I have gotten more comfortable in my 30s even though I did gain some weight back after I got clean. According to my doctor I'm at a healthy weight, but it's hard to reconcile the fact that I used to be consistently under 130 lbs and I can't seem to get back there
I so understand about the weight thing. I used to be 120 pounds in high school, now I weigh 150 pounds even though I exercise vigorously. Sadly, I got the most attention from men when I was an underweight 110 pounds. That says a lot about today's society. I have to be pretty much anorexic in order to attract men. It's weird.
@@HaleyMary Same. Through my 20s it was constant and I had gotten to a point where I was a little under 100 lbs. It's like it's a fetish for them. It's so hard to lose weight the older one gets though
I had the same thing, although it started before I was actually overweight, and the years of disordered eating actually rendered me quite overweight. I’ve been trying and failing for years at fixing my relationship with food, exercise, and my body image. I’ve been getting better, though, at least.
It really hurts as a black woman that when you think about crushes, and realize you are probably not who they daydream about or think of when they hear 'beautiful'. Without all the exotic eurocentric features... On top of that, they could just hate me. This mindeet keeps me from ever pursuing love because i hate the odds i have to face of chances of am I just a fetish to them or if they are racst... Or both? If im not unique, im invisible.
I can relate to this as a Black woman myself ,and to some extent, I still do struggle with this. But the truth is that as much as Anti-Black racism and misogynoir is still prevalent globally and despite what those that benefit from it would like to project as reality, the truth is that attraction is a diverse spectrum and that no one will ever have exactly the same mindset.So for those that are racist against Black women are well as those that aren't interested , there are those on the other side of the spectrum that don't have a racial preference, those that have preferences that include Black women , those that prefer Black women as well as the fetishists of course. Every action has an equal but opposite reaction. Like the saying by a commenter with the name "islandgal" goes, everyone is a preference for someone. So don't worry about whether there are people that will like you back as a Black women , because there certainly are. Just don't idolise any group of people so that you can be detached enough to be able to use your discernment when it come to looking at the character and actions of said person as well as other important things to look for in a romantic partner.This is also so that you can start to decentre your worth based on romance and desirability as well as decentring what an anti-Black world dictates for Black women Plus there are tangible instances of Black women in long-term relationships or marriages to people of various races and cultures be it their own race and culture, people of other cultures, White, Latin, Indigenous Asian. You name it. Not to mention the various types as well ranging from the average person to scientists , businesspeople with empires , celebrities and royalty. Black women are not ugly. That is just a lie that has been peddled for over 400 year and ongoing to give a fake sense of superiority to those that believe it.There would no one copying us, our features, stealing our inventions or ideas or culturally appropriating from us if it was true. And there certainly would be no Black women beauty queens or any historical or current Black women that are acknowledged as beautiful Not to mention those features that are praised in other racial groups, there are Black women that have those features naturally without any non-Black heritage because of the genetic diversity of those of African descent. Thank you eve gene. NB: I have some TH-camr recommendations that may help with this if you're interested: The Dark Skin Clique. Joules Lo'well. Tera Chantelle. Salkis Re. Neemah Speaks BurbnBougie Maria Mulokole Apieceofmymind AllureFemininity AyeshaNoelle Affirmations Black GirlFyre Noir Commentary Alecia Renece The Artist Black women Self Love Journey Black Women On The Internet Shar Henley Locked honey princess Karine Alourde and her channels Shayna Conde Mayowa's world/ Melanin Magic AF Mossonyi Creatively Designed Presents Manifestelle No Crack Tribe Glowing With Confidence Melanated Queens of The Internet and more
So yeah. I wish you all the best in the world and don't let anti-Black racists or anyone that partakes in that stuff make you think that they can "objectively " determine what your worth is or what you do or do not deserve in life or your destiny, when objectively they do not have the power to do such in the slightest. It's just an illusion that inflates their fake sense of authority
I was always "cute" but hardly ever "pretty" and even to this day I'll still get that. People are being nice but don't realize how it is really infantilizing at 31 to have that be the main compliment to have ever gotten (when i wasn't being called ugly by boys), and then I feel like a jerk for expressing how only being cute makes me feel so I stop talking about it and just hurt in silence. I also find that while I didn't get into as many toxic relationships, I DID fall into many many toxic friendships due to my insecurities.
This! It also doesn't help that I'm barely 5 foot 1 so I'm always looked down on (literally). I'm convinced guys wouldn't even think twice about me because I'm small and "cute" (not that I need their approval but you know what I mean). I'm 27 now and never been in a relationship
Idk if you're short and small in statue to feel that infantalized by the word; not to invalidate your reaction but as some one who's now in their 30's and in an age group where aging for some people definitely starts to show (for those who've got the rougher side of life), I hope you can learn to see the good in being cute. Being cute in your 30's-40's now is synonymous with being youthful 😊 so long as people take you seriously in the workplace or where needed be, there's no need to mull on this word. I'm myself average. Never considered myself pretty, but cute - yes. And I'm more than happy being merely cute. It's enough for me. It's been a long time since I've put effort into my appearance, so the slouchy dressing attracts less male attention (that I'm very content with) so I never got hung up on that word bc there wasn't an opportunity for that to happen. Seeing people be confident in features that makes others insecure makes you realize it's a mentality thing. You definitely have an internal issue, within yourself, that you've got a duty to address. And once you'll be able to move on from it you'll be able to live and enjoy your life so much more freely. Because in my pov from what I've seen growing up, sometimes some of the most confident people are those furthest from the beauty standard and they live their lives quite content. So it really shows you many of us are not suffering from a body flaw that makes us insecure but an improper mentality that's affecting our life. Hopefully I've successfully illustrated to you the other side: people who fall into the niche of cute who are happy with it. I'll have you know in East Asia they make a whole culture out of it, so there, to be perceived as cute is the biggest compliment. Maybe you should check out their media to help your self esteem. In Korea it's called Aegyo; in Japan cute is Kawaii; and I'm not sure what it's called in china. But cute culture is very prevalent in Asia: from cute stationary, cute plushies and animated cartoon pictures, to makeup trends that enhance cuteness & youthness, like Aegyo sal; cat-like pointy k nine teeth (Japan), etc.
@LovelyLittleLillies i am short with a round "baby" face. And it hits differently when that's the main compliment you get and rarely get anything else. I don't want to feel that youthful, my childhood sucked and I like myself much more as an adult and want to be treated as one. It doesn't bother me all the time, but it's the overuse of it and how I hardly get anything else. Trust me I understand the other side, most of my family is very tall and while looking a bit younger due to good aging, have always gotten "pretty" and "gorgeous" a lot more. Trust me I am well aware of kawaii culture and partake in it when I feel comfortable doing so. I understand you were trying to be nice but your comment comes across as very invalidating of my feelings and experience in life. I didn't say I fully hate it, just that it's deeply frustrating when it's the main compliment you get. And it does hit as infantalizing when it is the main compliment especially when you get infantilized in other ways due to undiagnosed neurodivergence and trauma induced anger that no one bothered to get you proper help for.
@@StonedHunter yeah I wasn't sure bout your appearance and if it played a part, but now it makes sense and I see your pov. Well I'm sorry that my com ments came off that way and sorry I couldn't uplift you. So sorry you went through something like that. May life be kinder to you in the future x
As someone who has never been attractive and never will be, I appreciate this video so much. Very good points. When I stopped befriending and interacting with most men, and I fully embraced my ugliness, my life improved tremendously. I saw women spend decades hating their bodies and I didn't want to do that. I'm still treated differently, but I've found my people and am happier at 40 than I've ever been.
I have literally been called ugly my whole life. One of my first crushes told me, after I visited his school once, that his classmates all thought I was ugly as shit, my boyfriend's father apparently once said that I was 'the ugliest girlfriend he'd ever had". When I talk to my conventionally attractive friends about feeling ugly, I can empathize that their feelings are just as valid, but they have literally never had the rest of the world reflect such negative attitudes BACK TO THEM. I once asked one of them if they had ever actually been called ugly, to which she could find no answer. I acknowledge that everyone can feel ugly and undesirable, especially in this day and age with all the fabricated insecurities being marketed to us, but something inside of me will just NEVER get over the fact that, when you are TRULY not fitting in with the conventional beauty standards of the time, YOU ARE SHOWN OVER AND OVER AGAIN. You are overlooked, treated worse, and don't even get me started on the fact that I literally physically cannot believe anyone when they do tell me they like the way I look, because I am CONVINCED that it can't be true. I have beautiful female friends and just KNOWING how differently the world perceives us is.. it's crushing at times. It's hard for me to go out sometimes because being perceived just makes me want to rip my skin off, and it's not getting better the older I get. I'm 22 now and have hated my appearance my entire life. I don't think it'll ever change. Because I know that, if I am being realistic, I'm JUST NOT PRETTY. I will NEVER be, without extensive surgery at least. I am unable to have a fulfilling sex life, I am unable to go out in public with my boyfriend without having an inward mental breakdown about the beautiful women walking past us, I am unable to enter a room without immediately assuming everyone thinks 'damn, she looks rough'. I am almost looking forward to becoming really old so that I at least have that as an 'excuse' as to why I am as weird-looking as I am Also, the ED thing - I grew boobs pretty early, that was my *one* thing I believed gave me 'value' for a while. Then at 15 I developed an ED and lost the boobs, but all of a sudden people were *amazed* by my results and how *good* I looked, even though I was at my physical worst. I have gained weight now, I'm healthy now, but I can't help but constantly compare myself to my 'skinnier' self.
Reading your comment feels like I've written it myself. It's such a different crushing feeling when you KNOW your perception of yourself isn't just self doubt but something the world has shown you over and over again to be true. And the getting old part hits so close to home, I never thought other people thought like that as well. I feel like if I had an accident, was disfigured or when I age and everyone around me ages too ill at least have an excuse for being ugly.
Jesus I’m 21 and this is exactly how I also feel. Yesterday I was actually scared to enter the waiting room for my doctor or the pharmacy because I know that everyone will first think “damn she’s ugly”. I’m so scared to go put in public, I’m even scared to look at myself in the mirror while out and about. Not to mention I hate to look at myself in the pictures. And I just can’t get rid of this feeling, so I can’t even allow myself to think that I could be with someone because I would bring so much baggage into a relationship. I literally cried reading your comment, I feel your pain.
But physical attractiveness isn't the most important thing in a person, so relax girl. Or am I somehow weird for valuing kindness and intelligence more than looks lol. I also like people who are confident in their "ugliness". I'm very aware almost no one would find me attractive, I was bullied, I've never had a relationship, I know what I look like, but I stopped caring some time ago. Men just go out, no makeup, beer belly, average face, they don't care, why should I? I might not be pretty but I'm not uglier than an average man.
I work at a summer camp and I've noticed myself thinking "that girl would've bullied me in school" a lot about kids I don’t even know just because they remind me of the pretty popular girls I went to school with. I always find it odd that I'm sometimes intimidated by literal children 🙄. It's something I'm definitely working on.
Meanwhile I was bullied for being “weird” and neurodivergent. Turns out these people were just jealous of their own mediocrity and lack of original thoughts. It’s sad really how much of the torment I faced in high school was due to people’s own insecurity. I did have a slight glow up and now I get away with more and don’t get antagonized as often because I’m somewhat conventionally attractive. Many of my peers don’t even recognize me because I was the awkward, weird girl in the back of the class.
I could have written this myself haha. Conventionally attractive but ND af. Had my own weird thing going on, and conformity was huge in the 00s. Even if you were naturally attractive, if you didn’t conform to the fashion trends, makeup trends (Dream Matte Mousse and sparkly blue/silver eye shadow lol) then you weren’t considered attractive. My cousin is also ND and is now a literal model but she was called “ugly” like I was at school because we didn’t dress like the others. Those same boys have since asked us both out 👀
On the topic of an "unattractive" person being unharmed by harassment, I once had a guy tell me he goes out of his way to catcall "ugly girls" because it makes them feel good 😒
As a teen, I'd cover up the mirrors in my bedroom and look at my feet when walking past shop windows, all to avoid looking at myself. I thought I was so ugly that I could barely look at my face for more than a second. I'm 35 now, and I've embraced body neutrality. it took years overcoming an ED to get here, but I can see my value beyond my looks, and I feel that I have healthier relationships with other women as a result. It wasn't easy, I'll admit that, but was absolutely worth it
One comment (from when I was still thin and able-bodied) has stuck with me for 20 years: „if you applied some makeup and wore better clothes, you could at least look average“ And now I‘m fat and in my late 30s.. And not a single man has looked at me in 10 years and it‘s honestly so much nicer to be basically invisible to half the population. 🤣
I have a good friend who was a model in her 20s and is now in her late 50s. She’s talked to me about how aging makes her feel so free to do whatever she wants, and she’s so much happier. Her looks in youth made her a magnet for creepy men, and she’s so relieved to be invisible to them now.
Just because a woman is invisible to men doesn’t mean that she’s free from being SAed. If that were to happen the likely hood of being believed is “thin”. Personally, I wish I could thrive in my beauty without being creeped on. I don’t want to hate being pretty or invest in myself and for that to be interpreted as “for the men” 🤡. I hate when everything a woman does have to make sense/for the man but a man could be a piece of shit and they get a pass.
I’ve always struggled with body image due to having high testosterone levels for a woman. I have very dark hair and it grows fast. Skipping more than 2 days of shaving means my legs will be noticeably hairy. I have had dark hair between my eyebrows and above my lip since before I was even 10, and a friend once asked me if I was a man because of the hair on my arms. I have never shaved my arms, because honestly I don’t want to have to deal with having to keep up with another superficial thing, but I’ve also always experienced insecurity when it comes to my arm hair. It’s very noticeable, and sometimes in photos I hate the way my arms look. My girlfriend the other day mentioned how attractive she finds my arm hair and I didn’t believe her. I told her it’s always been one of my biggest insecurities and that I felt it made me look too masculine. She told me that yes it’s a masculine trait, but she didn’t understand why that was such a bad thing. She told me it’s something she notices in a positive way, something that makes me more attractive to her. Her words gave me the biggest confidence boost, and I wish I could come to accept myself for how I am on my own, but her words helped me see beauty where I once felt shame.
Found a fellow pcos cister, can relate to being a hairy little Sasquatch. The higher T kinda masculine-sized me and my features a bit so it’s a bit of a battle to not look like some kinda wildebeest 😂
I’ve got a good amount of arm hair too, and I’m lucky in that it didn’t even occur to me to feel self conscious about it until I was at the point where I actively loved it. And I do, I really do. I like it on myself, and on other people. Your girlfriend has wonderful taste. Hope you’re both having a great day lol
I second your girlfriend, I find it attractive lol, not in guys though. But isn’t it funny that because of Gillette we women have the expectation to shave when before, while with some existing shaving methods throughout history, people were just hairy lol because we are hairy, and it wasn’t a problem, even considered attractive
I thought I was perceived as average in terms of appearance in middle school. I also felt like I needed to be the nicest and smartest girl to compensate, yes. Because I'm naturally empathetic and love learning, that was not a huge leap for me. But I feel so lucky that I found theater in high school. It helped me feel pretty comfortable in my own skin, which I've managed to mostly maintain, and actually worthy of attention (without any of the drama stereotypically associated with theater, haha).
21:01 is soo real. My BDD can lay dormant but once I see a picture of myself I want to cry. I’ve have switched my diet and exercised, but I haven’t seen any results. Whenever I feel great a single picture can ruin my day, heck my week. Smh
Okay so, I live in a red, southern state-right? Also, I’m black, queer, dark-skinned, thickly built, and I’m like a little taller than average for a femme-with broad, sloping shoulders and an alto voice to boot. Recently I’ve gone through the big chop (cutting off all my chemically relaxed hair, to begin the process of growing out my natural hair-for all of those not in the community lol) So now here I am at 24 with a short, coiled fro. I imagine I’m what most people think of when they conjure an image of a black woman, given some sideways shit people have said to me. One white girl literally told me she wasn’t surprised I used weed on occasion because I’m a “thick, black girl” on her words, so that’s what I’m working with round these parts🫤 So anyway, my experiences with boys growing up were always trash because I was always a lil chubster, and probably because I was gay as hell-but I didn’t know that yet. Also I had to wear glasses since the 3rd grade, which was severely fucked up. Anyway, one time in middle school, one boy who bullied me called me the ugliest girl he’s ever seen completely unprovoked. Also he would just put his hands on me, like one time he pulled up my pants leg to reveal my ashy leg which was humiliating because I WAS ashy that day…and also it was wildly inappropriate. Nowadays I’ve had my swan moment though, right? I’m still a chubster, but it’s more proportional now or whatever. And I personally love my body, I think my chub is cute. I have bad days where I wish I was a size 2, but I’m working on that. It’s also strange seeing how men treat me different being on the “other side” as it were. I get unwanted attention routinely from men, although I thought I wanted it when I had less confidence. Also, men I don’t know will make unnecessary conversation with me at the most inconvenient times, which sucks balls. And my dating app dms are flooded with crusty dusty 35-60 year olds. (P.S.: You’re not inherently crusty, nor dusty if you are between hose ages. However, you might be crusty or dusty if you’re pursuing someone who could be your child in age)
Tragically, my mum was SAed as a teen, then laughed away by trusted adults and police when she tried to get help because she wasn't considered thin or conventionally attractive enough. Understandably, she went on to develop some very problematic beliefs about beauty and worth, which she unfortunately never unpacked or got help with. Despite my empathy for her issues, therapy, moving out, and going low contact were essential for my maintaining any amount of self-esteem or personal happiness. It's upsetting to me how normalised toxic codependency is between parents and their kids. It's a form of emotional abuse and a significant risk factor for developing a lot of the issues discussed in this video and even personality disorders. It's always great to see Bryony's content on tackling misrepresented/ignored social issues ❤
My best friend in middle school weighed more than me, and I never knew what to say when her weight got her down. I would say “you’re not fat!” when what I meant was that she’s so much more than her body. I loved that she was brave and outspoken with her opinions, style, likes and dislikes, etc. I admired her so much for having the courage to say and do what I could only dream of saying and doing. Of the two of us, I saw her as the cool and beautiful one, whereas I saw myself as awkward and unsure because I didn’t know how to dress, do makeup, or speak my mind. I suspect that our friendship ended in large part because her crushes often compared us and liked me because I was thinner. My young, innocent mind couldn’t fathom why someone would like me more than her when she had such a strong sense of self. She probably thought I was being fake when I said I didn’t get it; it must have seemed so obvious to her, and I was completely oblivious. Now that I realize how fatphobic the world is, I’m sad that I handled those situations so poorly. I wish I could go back and be more encouraging to her, and tell those guys to eff off instead of ever accepting attention/validation that I now realize was shallow. People called me naive for believing that everyone knows personality is more important than looks. It turns out I’m just asexual, so physical attractiveness is easily shrugged off. Beauty is nice, but it’s not all that interesting. I don’t choose to spend lots of time with someone because they’re pretty; I think everyone should choose friends, partners, etc. by how you get along and enjoy each other’s personalities.
crazy to me that some people are willing to call someone a "DUFF" to their face. Someone I thought was my friend called me that and explained the acronym like it was a cute thing to call someone and not a friendship ending statement.
There was this one time in one of my classes a guy asked me for my socials. I seriously questioned why he was asking me, because I never thought anyone would find any worth in me other than making me the butt of a joke for ever thinking anyone would ask me out. I asked him multiple times about it, even his friend was vouching for him. I was just completely floored, it’s never happened to me before. I just didn’t know how to respond, because there were so many prettier, funnier, more helpful and better performing girls in my school and I always thought I was weird but not the good kind of weird. I still feel so bad about it to this day, and it weighs heavy on my mind how much I had to be convinced that someone had romantic interest in me…
Growing up black Ik I’ll never be white. I also know I’ll never look like a typical mixed person who has lighter skin and curlier hair. Honestly some days I find peace in my beauty, other days it’s pure chaos and depressing. I’ve come to realize having the most privilege means no resilience, detachment from real people, and it doesn’t ensure you’ll be guarded from all of life’s ills. I’m black, I will always be black, I find love and joy in my culture as much as there’s hardship in the constant comparison the moment I walk out the door. People have told me I’m beautiful, other people and the internet have told me otherwise. Just because you’re not the expectation doesn’t mean you won’t be loved and cherished by people on this planet. I do wonder what it would be like, to be detached from reality for a day.
My best "glow up" is when I can look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful (I had a baby face for a long time and my personality gave the impression I was much younger than actually am and caused people to infantilize me), finally lost my baby face in my 30s. It also helped finding a friend group that accepts and respects my personality without thinking me as naive or too childish for my age. My "glow up" is still a work in progress, learning to love my muscles and wider arms. Growing up I hated how wide the top half of my body is, felt muuuch bigger and heavier than I actually was
I have a baby face as well. People always say I should be grateful because I will look younger when I am old but I don't like it cause people as you said infantilize me. I am actually super happy that I am starting to get forehead wrinkles! I am finally looking like an adult and I don't get people thinking I am a teenager much anymore!
18:25 similar thing happened to my mom in the 80s. When she was in elementary school. The only reason my mom got her ears pierced (the very first among her peers actually) so people would stop thinking she was a boy. (Because my grandpa was stingy above everything, but this somehow got through him. My Ma still got into fist fights with people bullying her for having to wear handmedowns from the 60s and 70s- which in the 80s made a huge difference if you are the only kid with i.e. a psychedelic pants with bell bottoms the size of a dinner plate.) Being considered pretty is a lot easier when you can afford it.
Ever since I was a kid, I was considered to be ugly/average and this never really changed. I had a brief 'pretty' period during high school but even then people would outcast me because I was different from other people, both because I was into alternative fashion AND because I'm neurodivergent. After a while, you simply start believing their words and start to distrust anyone who will call you "pretty", after all, everyone's told you you're ugly, ever since you were a kid. My boyfriend compliments me constantly on how pretty I am, but I just don't see it; I'm overweight, I have facial/excess body hair because of hormonal issues and I can't take care of myself because of my disabilities. My brain just constantly goes into fight/defense mode whenever someone calls me beautiful, pretty or whatever. Like "What do they want from me this time?" because most of the time, when people said something along the lines of "you're so pretty", they always wanted a specific thing from me. The "Male Validation" thing has been such a massive plotpoint in my childhood, to the point where, once I turned 18, I dove straight into the adult scene, to get validation from anyone who would give it to me, because I never found myself pretty, but I still wanted to hear those words, wanted to feel wanted. But all it did was destroy my self-esteem even more. People forget that words linger. For every compliment I got, the negative comments outweigh them every time. You could give me 20 compliments and I will still remember being told I was ugly when I was a teen. That I should end my life because no one would love me for how I looked. You could compliment me and I'd never believe you.
What I experienced is many girls/women (me included) take their fist dig at selfworth from their moms. Mothers who themself have put themself down and who were put down by others. We kinda inherit some of their views of oneself. Many of my negative takes on myself are from my mom. But talking to her doesn't helf at all - rather it hurts me more. So, I have to work that myself out.
I’m pretty shy and whenever I’m in public and see a beautiful woman I tell my mom and because she is extroverted she tells them and it’s very nice to see people be happy being told their beautiful! (Phoenix emoji)
I always say "everyone is beautiful to someone" instead of "everyone is beautiful" because not everyone will think you are attractive, and that is okay because everyone has different ideas of what is attractive.
My chest has always hung lower due to them always being big after puberty. My eyes have little bags and a slight hollow on them because apparently my face doesn't hold fat there proportionally lol. I've always had smile lines around my mouth because I have a naturally large smile and the creases have always been melinated and more noticeable. All these things made me feel so insecure about looking "old" growing up and it's taken me a long time to be be neutral about it all as just superficial facts about myself. So happy for the place I'm at now and I hope anyone else on their journey finds peace
Are we the same person? I've struggled with accepting myself for all these traits too 😭 It's sad that I see the beauty of these traits in other people but not in myself. I'm working on it though
Youre so right about how freeing it is to hit 30 haha My big breakthrough was when slimthicc became a thing. Mostly because... I have a small waist and fairly broad hips. Aka i have quite a big butt. That is not a flex btw, because heres the context: i was a teen in the mid 2000s. When low waisted jeans were a thing and having a "muffin top" meant you are fat. Guess what you INEVITABLY have if you stuff your big butt into low waist jeans? Yh. so all through my teen years, i was told i Had a fat butt and that that was disgusting. Then the 2010s come along and suddenly BBLs ate everywhere. And suddenly my butt became nice. Suddenly i had a good figure. Same dress size, same Body shape, just 10 years later. And thats what made me really stop giving a damn. With the y2k trend, chances are we are going right back to lean bodies being the prettiest ones, and my body type will fall Out of fashion and i am too old to give a damn now 😂
I was wondering if you could make a video on how woman shame other woman for wanting an attractive (male) partner? Most woman will say something as "personality is more attractive/important". I even recieve critism for saying I'd preffer a man to look a certain way, because "they didn't choose to look like that". A lot of man seem to think that we have very high standards for man, but I actually feel that a lot of woman shame each other for setting standards with the people they date, especially when it comes to the physical aspect.
Hard agree - I get that everyone is different and for some people personality is more important than looks, but we all have every right to refuse people as romantic and/or sexual partners because we're not physically attracted to them - I don't mock men for not looking like my idea of an attractive guy cuz that's mean and shallow, but I do have hardwired physical preferences of what turns me on in a guy that I cannot just ignore, and I deeply dislike and resent it when people give me shit for that - my ideal in terms of a physically attractive guy is most of the things society says women tend to prefer, except I actually find short men really attractive and appreciate that I don't have to crane my neck to kiss them lol. I think different people do find different physical traits attractive and I'm not presuming to speak for all women here, but I have definitely observed what you describe from people of all genders. (POV: I'm a fat lady with a fairly conventionally pretty face, I'm autistic and have ADHD as well, and I get a fair bit of attention from the kind of men I do find attractive, but it was really hard to get past the stage I was in where I thought I couldn't possibly attract or "deserve" to be with guys I find hot, and my depression, anxiety and OCD just made that whole cocktail of emotions even more painful, but now I've learned to value myself a lot more and I love looking and smelling pretty, wearing a bit of makeup and nail polish, and have lots of lovely clothes that I really enjoy dressing up in). I have guy friends who feel bad about how they look and I just wanna hug them and tell them it'll all be ok (I do actually hug them and offer reassurance, I'm just saying I feel protective and care about their struggles), and I never give other women shade for their appearance either, but I wish we didn't seem to be kinda tacitly encouraging something that borders on rape culture by telling people it's wrong to turn people down based on a lack of physical attraction. I also have sensory issues around kissing on the mouth with some people and have been gaslit about that a lot too, and my mum made some really unpleasant comments about me not wanting to date significantly older men that are probably related to that kind of societal attitude, that she's only now started to really recognise were deeply harmful. However, she's neurodivergent too, so I think she really struggles to understand stuff like that and it's not entirely her fault. Sorry, this comment is a bit all over the place but anyway sending love and kindness to everyone reading this :)
Yesss. The amount of times I’ve been told to go for a guy even tho there wasn’t even a spark. It’s because if the idea that those we’re not attracted to are ‘safer’ to be with but every man can fuck you over lol it’s just a matter of how they ruin your life. I hate that women are still controlled by telling them to not go after what and who they desire. It forces them to deny a very big part of themselves.
growing up i never felt pretty and i was exposed to the “ugly guy hit wife” trope and it pissed me off that men could look mediocre and still get an attractive woman while women are shamed and made fun of for wanting an attractive male .. and it’s not like i wanted a ‘ryan reynolds’ or anything just someone i find attractive and feels the same abt me
@@cyb3rstalkerThis is because men are rated lower and women are rated higher by strange women and men respectively. Men you don't know often look ugly and unattractive to you. This is one of the reasons why men feel invisible and lonely, they're treated with hostility by strangers.
Our neighbourhood used to told me that I am an intelligent person in a manner of consolation prize. I used to see a beautiful girl when I looked at the mirror, and everyone treated me otherwise as I was such an "average looking person". I used to go tell people I liked, and they would pity me. Now I have to convince myself that I am beautiful, and positive comments/affirmations/validations from others aren't enough to convince me. Now everyone thinks that I can "get" whoever I want. Now I feel uncomfortable when I hear that I am beautiful.
I went too school between the years of 2007-2017 the peak of the shift from being skinny to being “thicc” as being the mainstream attractiveness it was honestly awful for everyone. you were made fun of for being too skinny and being too fat. if you weren’t shaped like a Pixar mom you were then not seen as the conventionally attractive. I definitely remember getting hit on more in highschool once the “slim thick” era started I would literally wear baggy clothes and not show my body cause I knew someone would say something about it. That’s why I truly connected with Billie eilish as a teen. she was beautiful to so many young girls and teens but every boy who talked about her always asked “I wonder what she looks like under the baggy clothes” …like no wonder why that poor women didn’t wear anything feminine until she was like 18 cause it didn’t stop the sexualization of a then teenage girl. But we have to do something as teens to not get attention from most likely older men…don’t even get me started on getting hit on more as a teen then as a 25 year old women… literally the past 3 times I’ve been hit on they have asked me if I’m in school yet….like I know I could be in college but…I doubt that’s what they were thinking. I have a hormonal imbalance I look younger then what I am and I am aware of that especially with men’s behavior towards me.
🐦🔥🐦🔥🐦🔥 truly, it is very hard to rise from the ashes of low self esteem.. being a millennial… there wasn’t BIPOC representation, there wasn’t any wiggle room to be “fat” and fat was another about a size 6… and then as you age and health issues arrive on your doorstep, weightloss isn’t easy.. my heart is just sad that there’s so many of us who struggle with comparison & low self esteem. Its an every day choice to continue to participate social media even though you’re not “tiktok pretty”.. just rambling.. but one day it’ll be better
When I was in high school, my French teacher told me an anecdote about a glamourous older French woman who joked about American women who "wanted to die looking like they had hardly lived". Setting aside stereotypes about glamorous French women (sorry, it would take me a while longer to unpack all that), this anecdote was SUCH A GIFT. It became a kind of mental talisman against looking worse than our society seemed to expect. Also, in a weird way, I think being bi has helped. I'm not only attracted to women who are younger than me, so why should I worry that people won't find me attractive if I look my age? I'm not single, but even if I were, if someone's my age but they're only into people younger than them, that sounds like a problem with them and I consider that a bullet dodged.
Look I'm a bloke, so I know about men. Don't base your self worth on what we think, we're idiots. Be a kind person and try to help others. And look for other people who do the same. It doesn't guarantee wealth or love, but it will bring happiness.
I got diagnosed with an ED a few days ago. My life has been a constant struggle of looking in the mirror trying really hard to find beauty there. Of glancing at my reflection every chance I get when I'm outside, even with other people. And always seeing myself as a giant monster compared to everyone I'm with. It hurts every time I see it and all the life gets sucked out of me. I dont even feel like the same species as everyone else.
I was a cute kid but bullied for being "fat" because I had a round face. It was truly appalling because I was so young and thin as a rail. Adhd and being introverted made it hard for me to make a lot of friends and I wound up the "ugly weird girl" who fought with bullies constantly. Eventually I just became invisible to myself. I did have great moments in high school drama class as the character actress who played comic roles, but I didn't feel attractive enough to pursue acting. Most of my life I've just felt unseen and unwanted except in my one long term relationship (that fell apart eventually) and now I'm just...invisible again.
I worked in a prison and... one of the many fucked up things that happened during my employment was that someone was sexually assaulted. No one believed her bc she was super fat. My colleagues were so intensely carceral and sometimes just fucking mean to their clients (these were therapists). But if they can see the victim is fat? Nah. They assumed she made it up. The staff member lost her job. I got the fuck out of there as fast as possible 🪽 no Phoenix emoji?
I grew up very much as one of those girls, who most people would pass by but some people did find me very attractive. In a way being sort of in the middle-ground always made me compare myself to super pretty people around me, thinking once I reach that level of beauty, I will get proportionally more attention and love for it. Honestly, complete bullshit thinking. It destroyed my mental health and made me stuck-up and hard to approach. I think growing up mentally as a woman is realizing that you need to let go of the need to be beautiful. Which isnt easy, at all, because from a young age, thats what a lot of our worth is defined by. But once you realize that you DO have a choice in this, that you CAN learn to let go of this pressing need to be the "most beautiful" in every room you walk into, youll finally have that taste of freedom that actually being seen and appreciated for anything other than your looks can give you. Yes, putting care in your appearance and playing around with style is fun, but really only when you can truly say that is what you want to be doing for your own playful confidence, not out of a necessity.
Thanks for mentioning the photo thing and how it distorts the image. I often hate photos of myself because I feel like I look fat in photos, yet I'll look in the mirror and I'll look fine, so I have to stop scrutinizing the photos so much.
I am struggling with an ed, And I realized that my insecurity and sense of self worth comes from my parents.. especially my mom, noticing all the comments about the things she’s insecure about , or how she should eat, etc, in my childhood has really impacted me and how she would also say those comments on me as i was a bigger child. And when i lost the weight she would compliment me so much more..
I grew up being chubby and it affected me a lot. I lost weight and now whenever I gain a small amount of weight, I feel sooo bad. Now I am starting to overcome this because I realized that I am a big girl and it is okay. I always compare myself to models etc. but my figure is different than them. I hope I can eat a dessert without a guilt one day but I am learning to do so. Love yourself, love your body!
Also i know i am not that big but i feel like one. And that is the point that sucks. And when I was even skinnier I was also feeling chubby. It is in my mind but I can’t help it.
For me it’s always comparing my intelligence to other people who are Harvard grads, researching the cure to cancer at 16, 4.0 gpa and here I am completely average and failing at everything.
The way people around us see our physical appearance can seriously affect how we see ourselves. My mom and sister always talked about how ugly they thought they were and how they’d do anything to be skinny, have clear skin, or a perfect nose. My sister and I would watch Gilmore Girls and keep pointing out how “perfect” Rory was. Growing up hating yourself for not being gorgeous just makes you hungry-for validation, attention, and, eventually, for power and ease. Now, as an adult I've grown into myself. My skin is clear, my body has filled out, and I can look in the mirror and usually find beauty. Though it’s still difficult to accept compliments. But I still feel like that freckle-faced, acne-ridden, gangly 12-year-old girl is just beneath the surface. It’s tough to stop seeing myself as a checklist of things to improve, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely.
I grew up thinking that I was cute, but because being skinny was the be all and end all in the 90s and early 00s (during my tween and teen years), I realised I didn't fit the beauty standard. It helped that I was also a nerd, so I often felt a kinship with the quirky sidekicks in films and TV shows. However, it also helped that I was raised by parents who praised us for our accomplishments, and didn't think that a person's appearance was the best thing of who they were as a human being. That said, I had to work on my internalised misogyny, to accept that I could be clever, and like traditionally female coded things, like baking and knitting and sewing, and that it didn't make me any less of a feminist.
being average probably saved me from some really nasty behaviour from men because they didn't think I was worth flirting with. and so many pretty girls were approached by ugly nasty creepy older men who were truly appaling to them, treated them like a piece of meat. I'm lucky I managed to avoid that but I can imagine it can really mess you up when you're young. EDIT: I don't plan on having children, but I'll do my damnest to be the aunt role model who will uplift my friend's and sister's children.
I've also never been approached or catcalled and I'm almost thirty. It's fucked up that we can be like sad about something that is objectively horrible. I don't want to experience those things but like....being ignored is no fun.
I was always the invisible friend in the group: frizzy hair, acne and braces. To compensate, I relied on my quick wit and intelligence, which helped me to spot bullshitters a mile away 😅 My two best friends were (and still are) beautiful, with silky, thick hair and clear skin. I've matured, gained tons of confidence, and grown into my body/looks, but I still feel invisible. Perhaps that's why I've put so much effort into cultivating my personal style, which is colourful and very unique (where i live). So what catches people's attention is my outgoing personality and unique dress sense, rather than my looks alone. I still feel ugly, almost 30 years later, to be honest.
15:55 This. I’m a mixed POC with a black father and a white mother. My sister and I were pretty much single handily raised by our mother. She tried her best with our 4C hair but she just didn’t know what to do with it. And growing up in 95% white communities there was nowhere we could go for advice. Seeing people on tv who mostly has straight or wavy hair didn’t help how self conscious we were about our hair. It took until I was 35 to unpack all the internalized racism I held towards my own looks and stop straightening my hair and embrace natural hair styles.
I think as one gets older, we embrace more and more the lovely PERKS of being average. The world is made for the norm! And being average helps us feel more of a part of the whole of humanity, we are all in this together. I am proud to be average, truly!
I don’t agree with your push back against deleting social media. If it’s hurting your mental health to open Instagram and look at models or see skinny girls on your tiktok feed, delete that shit. I am all for curating social media to show bodies that like your own and I see the value in social media. But scroll culture is a confidence killer. I highly recommend deleting or at least limiting tiktok and Instagram screen time if you find it’s hurting your ability to love yourself.
Nahh I’m still On social media but I hardly see stuff about beauty bc I don’t find those things. I’m not fem tho so it makes it much easier to look for things not about beauty and makeup I only watch educational and specific niche interests. It got easier when I went into my 30s and I accept myself and gender at least and seeing stuff not about what’s attractive been easy to avoid but it takes time so hopefully young people grow to not regret anything eventually you will learn to love urself again
Also, social media has a weird way of connecting us with people. We are not supposed to be bombarded with super attractive people all the time, it's against nature.
The "you are happier above 30" thing is very true. I have watched myself mature so much and stopped giving a sht about so many things regarding my looks, like if I wear earrings, nice clothes or whatever. The best thing was to switch my job from one where I had to be presentable all time and looked at all time (as a teacher in front of the class, in the school hallways, the teachers rooms and on the street) to not needing to be presentable most of the time (office job with no other person in my room, only a few meetings or tours that I will do for special groups visiting). It helped SO MUCH to have this job now, so I just dont care about how I look, and my coworkers always are in work clothes and dirty and all that, so no one is actually requested to be "presentable". Growing up, I watched my peers get into all the struggles, but this didnt concern me most of the times. Because of my autism, I found out pretty early that most of it just DIDNT MAKE ANY SENSE and I refused to get caught in things like it, because there was no logic in it, besides "if you are pretty, you have an easier life". But all those pretty people were the worst when it came to personality, and because I was bullied and always an outsider, I didnt even bother, because even if I would be pretty, I would still be autistic, so... my autism actually prevented that I would fall into most of the traps (yeah I had dyed hair and some trendy jeans, couldnt avoid all of it), which I find pretty amazing and I am kinda thankful for. Now, in my 30s, I realize it and can make peace with all that.
I think this is only true if you’ve gotten past those life stages where looks are really crucial in attracting a social group, a job, and a partner and we’re always unattractive. I’m behind in the dating field badly, and I definitely still focus a lot on looks. Not only because of the above, but because not looking right and being alone a lot can make me a target for abuse from strangers. I’m glad to hear your recollection from so many women, but it’s really not due to your age alone.
Okay so I might delete this comment later since I never comment on people's videos but for once I feel so understood about a topic that I feel like doesn't get talked about enough. I understand that some people might be wondering "well if you aren't being called ugly or something then what's wrong with being called average?" And I a part of me would agree like why am I upset about being seen as average. Until it hit me. Among some of the worst interactions I have had with people was back in middle school when I was minding my business drawing in art class. A boy sitting next to me whom I rarely spoke with turned to me and said "I don't know why but you are the most Painstakingly average person I have ever met. Do you know that about yourself?" Bro that shit crushed me and I didn't know why. He didn't call me ugly. He didn't make fun of me like my other bullies did. He just called me average. In a way it sorta brought something out of me. Like a call to "do better" and prove I am an interesting person. In some ways it has helped like it has helped me to push myself to go out of my way to do things. But most of the time I feel shame and wasteful. I also struggle with depression so I do have a harder time wanting to go out a do things resulting in me spending my days laying around watching TH-cam or TV for hours and when I think about what that boy said to me, I feel like I am wasting my life by being average. If I am not a fun cool interesting individual all the time do people even want to bother getting to know me? What happens if I can't be interesting all the time and I bring nothing to the table? I can't constantly do things all the time!
people that go around telling other people who they supposedly are aren't worth listening to in the first place. Like what kind of hobby is that, didn't he had anything better to do?
@@vivvy_0 honestly I am still unsure why he said that to me. I didn't even really know him. He just sat next to me a few times during that class and I rarely spoke to him. Super weird but definitely unprovoked.
For me, I have found a lot of freedom in experimenting with style. I love dressing in funky stuff and it’s so freeing. I’ve noticed that I would rather people remember me for the creativity I’ve put into an outfit instead of just my face being pretty
I've been average looking at best for most of my life. Fucked self-esteem as a teenager, but thankfully my parents (especially my father) were always giving me positive reinforcement. So by the time I reached my early twenties I aggressively did not care anymore and didn't let my looks stop me from what I wanted to do. One thing I noticed during that time was that men, in bars and clubs especially, saw my somewhat mousy appearance and assumed that dropping a line like "you're actually pretty, did you know that?" would lead to a score. Amazing makeup ! 🐦🔥
I've become much more comfortable about myself than I used to be. I'm a singer. When I was young, I hated hearing recordings of me singing and performing for concerts and recitals. I was always picky about how I sounded on audio. Now, I'm at an age range where my voice has naturally changed, and it has helped me become more confident that I can post myself singing more and be proud of my vocal abilities instead of cringing. I also used to be very insecure when it came to my hormonal acne, and I used to get defensive whenever I would get micro-examined. Now, I know how to take care of it, and I'm part of an online acne group where people go to vent and get tips on how to help different types of acne. It's still a process, though, but it fluctuates. However, I've come to accept that acne doesn't equal self-worth.
Envy is always projected. And can only be cured from the inside out. Accepting who you are, what you look like, and your own mortality. That’s the recipe for happiness.
i've always felt average and i've always hated it :( i'm 20 but i'm still waiting for my "big, impressive glow-up"... i just can't shake off the need of validation and i wish others could see me as desirable :((( i'm working on healing mylsef but it's so hard.. i feel invisible
Love the body neutrality mindset, thanks for sharing! Also, I definitely became more myself after I turned 30 as well, so cheers to you, love! My give-a-damn is busted, haha!
When I was 13 I asked my 26 yr old brother (who was my caretaker at the time) why boys didn't like me. He told me I wasn't attractive. The words "you'll never be beautiful" have haunted me to this day. I am 38 years old later this year.
My self-esteem was very low as a teen because of acne, being the duf (we had fat friends, so I was the ugly one), being the outspoken protector of the pretty friends, and bullying. I don't think I've ever thought of myself as pretty, but my self esteem has definitely improved in adulthood with body neutrality and dating. I realized I didn't have to think I was beautiful for men to think that, and also that a man thinking I was beautiful wasn't worth shit irl. I also looked at how miserable my mom/aunts/cousins were with their perceived faults and decided I didn't want to feel that way about myself, so I've tried to embrace the dark under eyes and premature greying. I don't want to hide myself, I want to be myself. 🐦🔥🐦🔥🐦🔥
Growing up being below average to average and now being seen as beautiful in my early 20s I'm 29 now. Honestly it's been a bit of a nightmare. I didn't understand why people kept taking passive aggressive shots on me and it building up to a conflict. And it's because i was already funny and semi and but now it's like I'm well rounded and people feel insecure so it's being very hard maintaining my friendships. I miss when men ( sometimes women) are attracted to me or have crushes on me like I'm always surprised lol I wouldn't take back being seen as a beautiful woman because there are perks but I feel like it has cost me allot of my friendships and I didn't have bfs growing up my friends were my everything so it sucks
I grew up with zero self-confidence. My family mocked me relentlessly, i was depressed from the age of 12 and hardly took care of myself. I was bullied non-stop throughout my 12 years in school. It wasn't until i was in my mid twenties that i realized i was beautiful in my own way. Every year further into my adulthood, i grow in my confidence, and i care less what people think of me. Growing up is so difficult. 0/10, do not recommend. I look at old photos of myself, and I want to go back and give that girl a big hug. She deserves it. She was so lovely and had no idea.
I'm glad that what I find pretty is not the norm. It doesn't matter anymore since I'm married. I was fortunate to go to a high school where everyone was made to feel valued. I found out much later that there were a few women who actually found me attractive in high school but I never knew because there is something wrong with my brain. My self esteem was more affected by my depression and bad anxiety. I had to work in high school to help pay rent so that my younger sister could have a home to live in while finishing high school. In school I didn't know that people thought I was attractive.
I would say I have average looks but it doesn’t really bother me all too much. I’m aroace so I don’t care about attention from boys and the friend group I hang out with doesn’t really talk about people being attractive or unattractive. So personally I only focus on expressing myself through my appearance fashion-wise but not how “pretty” or “put together” I look. However, my mom is SO bothered by how I look. She’s always fussed at me for not looking “nice” enough or for not taking care of my appearance as much as she would like. I remember back in middle school, one time I was going to a birthday party with my hair down instead of pulled back. My hair is very thick and with my climate’s humid air, it often gets really poofy and frizzy. My mom basically said “you can’t wear your hair like that. It looks crazy, and I don’t mean that in a good way.” That combined with how she constantly wanted to straighten my hair or how she would tell me it was “crazy” made me think my hair, and by extension myself, was ugly. It wasn’t until I was in high school and found friends who liked how my hair was that I got more confident in it. And now my mom wonders why I don’t like when she comments on my hair or talks about how I need to do xyz with it. Similarly, she had a whole “talk” with me recently because I don’t want to shave my armpits and she wants me to. She basically told me that I should because it’s socially acceptable and “don’t you want to conform to society?” I genuinely don’t understand how she said that and didn’t realize what she was saying. I personally don’t really care about conforming to what society says about body hair, but she’s always hounding me about if I shaved or not. She basically said “but people will give you weird looks! Why would you want to be the center of attention like that?” to which I basically said “it’s not my problem if someone looks at me funny because of body hair.” Also during this conversation she basically implied that I would look better with makeup on and didn’t get why I didn’t want to wear it. And I understand that she wouldn’t get why I don’t want to wear makeup (because she can’t read minds) but I don’t understand how she thinks it’s ok to tell her kid that “oh if you just conformed to beauty standards you’d look so much better!” Like wtf??? I’m not even bad looking. I think I look fine and have no major issues regarding my appearance. It’s HER that’s just been incredibly bothered by how I look since I was a child and most of my problems lie with her constantly hounding me for not meeting her standards.
just to add on, (I’m still in school and this is really just me processing so it’s a long one btw) I was with a really good guy about a year back and he was actually my first boyfriend. He was a great guy, but not a very good boyfriend. He really tried to be, and I was his first relationship too, so we’re not gonna dog on him too much. But, he never kissed me. Since I was the one planning most of our dates, and my low self confidence due to my weight, I couldn’t believe that the guy I liked genuinely liked me back. I had a great time, so I wasn’t going to lose this opportunity, but I couldn’t bring myself to be the one to kiss him too. But after a while, he still hadn’t, and I broke up with him. At the time idk, I thought I fell out of love or something, but I think I knew that thats all I saw him as, an opportunity. The idea that I am supposed to start dating in highschool and do other things I may not be ready for or want before college has been shoved down my throat for longer than I could possibly communicate. And sure, this boy made me feel confident in myself, that yeah I’m not too ugly or too average to find a guy who wants me. But after a while this confidence turned into this almost codependence bc I genuinely forgot how to be anything other than what was best for him. I became so obsessed with being this perfect girlfriend, but not even cause i liked him that much, but because I wanted that stamp of approval. A letter of rec to anyone else I date in the future. Yeah I liked this guy, but I didn’t actually know what I wanted, and I didn’t trust him to help me figure that out because my naivety ultimately benefited him.
I don't know... I was always considered cute, but I didn't grow up in a protected bubble..same as most women in this world. From as early as six, I received uncomfortable attention from older men across all demographics-so I couldn't just use the cliché and problematic 'it's them' approach. Being average always seemed like a safer place to be. I dressed and acted in a way not to draw attention. It was freedom to be myself with less eyes on me. Cute/pretty meant I was constantly on alert, ready to defend myself or trying to read others(are they okay/nah?). At the time, I learned that attention isn't always good or loving, even if it's laced with flattery. Even though it was tough, I coped by using humor to diffuse situations(if you were a bully? You laughed and became an acquaintance because a. you liked me or b. I gained allies. Stranger Danger? You got distracted enough, and I'm somewhere else.) and by embracing my quirky side and standing up for myself. I didn't get therapy, but I've matured to the point where I understand the world for what it is. I control what I can and try to curate my life and the type of people who come into my life. Now, because of my experiences, I don't get jealous of pretty, younger women who receive attention or favoritism because I don't know what hell they might have faced. If they had a happy and easy life, I'm happy for them and hope they have a backbone and the resources to protect themselves for continued good life experiences. For now, I focus on myself and my happiness, sticking with people who treat me right.
I really have to give props to my family. Growing up, I was never in doubt that I was loved inside and out. I was very lucky in many ways. I'm in my 40's now, and I don't compare myself to others, but it still sometimes throws me Im not 20 anymore when I look in the mirror or at photos.
This is so relatable. I feel like my (lack of) self-esteem and mental health issues (I have body dysmorphia) is 100% tied to how I look. I know that realistically, that's not true - I know a girl who literally looks like a VS model and still struggled with anxiety/depression/body image issues...but its still hard not to be jealous, especially when people talk about 'pretty privilege'. Also unrelated, but your eyeshadow looks amazing here!
I’ve always been conventionally attractive but my race, height, adhd, gender identity and just general low confidence and lack of attention from my crushes made me think I was ugly all the way until I started college. Once I knew I was hot it was still hard to feel confident in my personality while being neurodivergent. Luckily I have been able to grow out of all this but through A LOT of trial and error finding my confidence.
I started to think of myself as beautiful when i started to look at the people i do look alike. Like my mom, dad, sister and other family’s members. I think they are such incredibly beautiful people, so how can i not also be beautiful. I still have moments where i just see my flaws, but that mindset of finding the parts that are truly beautiful helps me alot
From my own experiences, yes being pretty/attractive, has definitely made my life easier in ways that I've nearly grown a sense of pronoia. Yet. It's taken me nearly 3 decades to love my brown Mexican skin since I used to be so jealous of white girls, now, I stand out in group pictures with my chick friends and I'm easily seen. I've grown to love my brown skin and I hate getting whiter in the winter. Being Brown and Pretty is something that makes me stand out and used to hate it, I'm 6ft2 barefoot, so that makes me stand out even more. I used to have paranoia because wherever I went wherever room I walked into, all eyes were on me immediately.... Now I'm actually happy I'm not average and I won't apologize for my privilege because being naturally pretty isn't a talent or skill.
I find it hard to think about this stuff. I have tried in the past to improve the way i feel about myself. But I've had my self-esteem shattered so often when I thought I was safe with someone that I can't bring myself to work on it any further. I feel like feeling good about myself is a really unsafe place to be in. Someone can rip it away from me at any time and send me into a spiral. I try not to think about it as much as possible. But it's hard when you worry all the time that you have nothing worth giving in a relationship and worry a lot about keeping someone interested when there are so many more people out there with far more to offer than me.
From my experience the worst things that were said to me I was too dark and ugly or I was pretty for a black girl throughout my life. That’s not a compliment. They were basically saying black girls (girls who are my family and loved ones and a part of my community) are ugly and I was barely the exception. I hated hearing things like that growing up especially from the men in my life. Now that I’m older I do love myself more and I don’t compare myself to others. I simply don’t care enough to try 🐦🔥
I've always grown up average. But today someone in my theatre group that i've never talked to walked up to me and said "you're so pretty", and this warmed my heart. Give everyone compliments! As a guy, we rarely get them, and this made my whole month! :)
Body neutrality is something that helped me in my bloating phases now that I found out my allergies that caused me to bloat everyday before. Also, as soon as I saw the first few minutes of this video, I was immediately reminded of my teenage years of using whitening lotions and brightening creams for my face cus even as an Asian, being lighter meant more beautiful back in the day. Right now, I just have a bunch of tattoos that are very personal to me, but also, make me feel more like me.
During most of my childhood as a girl I felt especially plagued by dysphoria. I always felt 'too masculine' for a girl with my broad shoulders, big nose, small hips, being tall and having a flat body. I never felt comfortable being part of the girls because I felt like a disgrace for calling myself one when I was so ugly and manly. So little 12 yo me thought in order to be more confident, instead of looking like a man, I just had to "become" a man instead so it was okay for me to look like this. I thought I was trans for a good 3 years of my life, chopped my hair off, wore baggy clothes, never dressed feminine. And tbh people ate it up. Strangers genuinely thought I was a guy and would treat me that way, for the first time in my life I had people crush on me and I wasn't so invisible anymore. But deep down it drove me to almost insanity, having to hide my feminine side because I thought only pretty girls with small features and curves deserved to identify that way. Took me some time to bring myself back to reality and embrace my not so girly features while still being born a girl. It genuinely messes with your head when you can't fit in with the standards and expectations. I'm not claiming other trans ppl are like that, but that was just my experience and I hope to be seen and heard for it just as much. Not to mention that being autistic also played a part in it, so I never really felt like a part of 'girlhood' and I still don't, but that's okay because I can still be feminine and girly without necessarily identifying with it. I generally feel disconnected from all that 'gender' stuff so I don't associate myself with it anymore, it caused too much unnecessary trauma for me. I hope we as a society can stop putting expectations on ppl when being born with a certain set of genials. My biology doesn't care that I'm a girl, it won't give me small, dainty, cute features just because I am born as one, and I hope we can stop telling ppl certain features are only allowed in certain genders, it's ridiculous and just plain wrong. thank you.
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If you ever do want to participate in surveys, subscribe and turn on the bell notification so you're notified anytime i post! It was so hard to trim this video down, it could easily have been over an hour long, huge thanks again to everyone who participated! I'd love for pretty privilege and lookism to not exist, and for people to feel worthy just for being who they are, we are all different, some excel in some areas in life and others are happy being in the middle, and tbh, I'd much rather have a nice cosy life with a good community I'm part of anyday over feeling constant pressure to be exceptional 🤍
i love surveys but i must sound off on something. disclaimer: this is not a hate post, i am merely educating because i know you are a trans ally.
separating male and female from transgender is not correct.
transgender is not a gender.... it's a descriptor (opposite: cisgender) . there is a small portion of people (a handful probably, ive only encountered one personally) who do identify as trans and nothing else, but generally speaking it is not a gender unto itself.
i am transgender AND female. therefore i am a transgender female (the term that the endocrine society uses for trans women) . and vice versa with trans men.
with nonbinary people this is of course different - there are many who identify as e.g female and nonbinary but - and im not going to speak for nonbinary folks here but i am assuming - nonbinary is the "primary" identity and would then suffice as an option instead of having 342 different gender options like "nonbinary female" and etc (which would be nearly exhaustive and mostly accurate, but also tooooo complex)
cheers,
Asuka the Survey Lover
I was going to say I missed out the survey to this one, but before I comment any further (cus I'm in the middle of watching), thank you for making these videos as always!
I really like your style! Both make-up, hair, clothes, and the interior. You are beautiful!
I had a "glow up"( I lost weight and decided to wear makeup) my last year and a half of highschool, recently I got married and through us moving due to him being in the army I stopped going to the gym and I get stresses easy and my weight has gone up I tell myself I'll go back to the gym soon once we are settled and I'll be fine, it's hard not to look at me two years ago and not envy who I was, but I remind myself I use to eat under 1200 calories witch has caused many issues with my relationship with food ( this lead to binging witch had a hand in the weight gain) my new husband reminds me that he loves me no matter what but he also pushed me to better myself, it feels strange to be that even tho I'm not skinny he still loves me the same he did when we were 17, I wish diet culture never got ahold of me so my poor body image wouldn't effect my day to day life, sorry for the rant! Feels good to talk about it
"You're average, so your life doesn't deserve to be photographed."
Girl, you just struck something inside me that i couldn't grasp myself.
nah honestly i got chills
Within the past year a new coworker joined our team, and she's basically a Disney princess. She's tall, blonde, skinny, classically beautiful, stylish, incredibly and genuinely kind, thoughtful, and friendly. She's an absolute gem of a human, and I just couldn't believe it was truly who she was at first. It really made me sit with myself and untangle why I felt that way. Surprise! It was my own baggage that came from being treated unkindly for my own appearance combined with that difficult to fully uproot internalized misogyny. I thought I had dealt with those feelings more completely by my current age, but those roots stretch deep. The work to get rid of them really is worth it though.
Never notice that until now. I awlays feel like super pretty and conventionally attractive people are being fake and that they can't actually be nice or kind behind closed doors
@UTTP-142if you avoid the work you end up like this dude
@@genesbeans570 i think a lot of attractive people ARE fake because they get groomed from early age into taking advantage of their looks. and so they become unkind people for that reason.
@UTTP-142? What?
@@johnascialpi5247 a bot, just report and ignore it
I have definitely been harassed, eyed lewdly, or stalked on multiple occasions and my internal dialogue is “wtf. I’m not even that hot. Go away.” Not just, “eww gross. F off.”
The “not pretty enough to be graped” dialogue is way too pervasive and I’m sad that I’m probably not the only one who’s internalized it.
Yes!!! This!!! This is literally my internal monologue everytime. This dialogue is not something just you internalized, this is in fact the response I've gotten and seen other not so attractive girls get, whenever they tried to get help for SA.
Yeah for sure. Whenever a man shows me interest I'm like ewwww desperate much? Kinda fked up 😂
I used that as my excuse anytime I was scared or doing something dangerous when I’ve literally been SA and had a stalker and when I’d tell my “friend” she would say I didnt try hard enough to fight back or that I’m making it up :/
And I bet he looked like nah
statistically, "unattractive" women are more likely to be victims of all types of violence, especially sexual. its SO weird seeing women dressed up, wealthy and confident making tiktoks worried about how they will be trafficked walking home when almost all victims are part of the lowest, most vulnerable parts of society: runaways, homeless women, poor women and women who are severely mentally ill. women who will have no one looking for them or there to support them, women who are deemed "dirty" or "gross" by society, and women who no one will believe.
unfortunately, the media knows it is much harder to make people sympathize with unattractive women living in poverty.
'just not living life because you felt like you're not worthy to even take risks or even do stuff because you're not pretty enough' - i feel so seen right now!!
Never had the language to express this exact sentiment so I'm glad it was said.
or fearing being denied because you look bad..
I was called ugly many times between the ages of 10 and 13, mainly by other kids but when ADULTS called me ugly was when it hurt the most. In 5th grade I participated in a school contest and I had to have my picture taken. I didn't know about this so I dressed normally and had my hair in a ponytail. This grown ass man in his 50s that took the photo said to me: "Leave your hair down, you look like a boy. Do you like to look like this?" And then he pointed to a classmate and said: "Look how pretty she is, why don't you wear your hair like her?". So after 15 years I still can't wear my hair in a ponytail in public and I tend to hide my face with my hair. I know it's my responsability to heal my trauma after so many years but it's frustrating that these adults are out there bullying kids and giving them trauma.
I was told I looked elderly with my hair under a wrap. The person told me I looked like an ugly elderly person.
My mother told me ugly girls look like boys and I looked like a bot with my hair cut. She was trying to make me less of a tomboy but it made me refuse to cut my hair off when it was falling out years later because I didn't want to get ugly. I was tomboyish but still girl enough to want to be pretty.
I still can't cut my hair or cover my hair. In fact I prefer covering my face with hair no matter how many times pell tell me short hair makes me cheeky pop.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, that guy sounds vile. What does a dude in his 50s care about how a 5th grade girl wears her hair?? That ish would’ve traumatized me too.
A hairdresser told me something like, never get a short haircut after he washed my hair. The implication was it was helping with my face and I was ugly 😂 yeah, I still don't consider myself attractive but at least I don't care now.
They must've been lying to u coz if that's you in your pfp that's crazy, they were 100% wrong
@@dopex89 i dont visit male beuticians. Ive had a few really bad experiences with them.
in my experience of always being bullied for being the weird quiet girl, id rather be average
@ville__ You first
God I'm sorry these replies you got under ur comment are gross.
Anyway I feel like the vast majority of people are average but are bullied into believing otherwise, especially when you are like me: an autistic queer girl in a very neurotypical school.
As time goes on the normal average is becoming considered uglier when it just isn't true. These standards of 'pretty' keep changing so I just try not to apply them to myself despite it being difficult.
Example: 150 years ago a double chin would have been seen as the standard of beauty, now it's considered unsightly. It's completely made up by the people around us. You likely aren't weird or unattractive, the people around you are just so obsessed with modern standards they take it out on anyone they view as diverting from the norm. When in reality all features you are born with are inherently normal.
You just have to find people who aren't like that which absolutely do exist! I found other neurodivergent people and now my beauty is no longer a topic of conversation, everyone just wants to hear my info dump! It's all about the perception of the people around you unfortunately.
Not everyone deserves you so keep that in mind when someone won't accept you! It still stings but so does their shitty shallow personality.
Don't wish you were different, just stop hanging out with any yt people...
I was also bullied for being quiet. Looking back, it's such a weird thing to bully someone for.
what the fuck is wrong with these comments, sending love to you
I was so filled with self hatred over my appearance in my youth that I always tried to ignore it and invest in my brain instead. Over time i came to accept that it’s okay to be average.
In fact, I realised that I was happier not being noticed. Putting on scrubs was extremely liberating and whenever Im wearing them I truly feel like myself. I no longer care what i look like, my body is an instrument of healing and I couldn’t be happier to have such a strong healthy vessel for my brain.
this was beautiful to read, thank you for your work
Yup- your body is a home for you, that belongs to you, & is there to serve you. And what you do with your body, especially your mind, is where your value lies...
Re seeking male validation: I can pinpoint the exact moment I realised it was a scam! My ex said he rated me 8/10 because "there's always room for improvement" while he was supposedly head over heels for me and found me more attractive than anyone on the planet 😂 and he was one of the "good" ones! Yikes on many bikes
Hey, i rate myself an 8! 8 is definitely above average, though not perfect - being called an 8 is no insult and no reason to feel insecure.
Big L for your ex for not being honest previously though.
I consider myself an 8 maybe 8.5 on my best days, I think 8 is very attractive but totally understand that's not nice to feel from a partner! To me 10 is like a Victoria secret model. I think the "always room for improvement" is super scrummy though, definitely trying to neg you with that one.
Tbh, 8 in my country is seen as great. If you get an 8 you can just go into med school or any other university study of your choice, so yeah ... 10 is seen as not possible. Though I was pissed when teachers would only allow grades to go up to 8, because it could mean that your average could only go down :/
Anyway, grading people is weird.
Yeah I hate that people even “score” others on a 1-10 scale. Feels so dehumanizing and reductive, even if you’re a 10 - what’s the rubric?
@@MissMoontree do u live in spain? Im currently studying there :))
I'm 47. I was getting ready to go into the grocery store after a really long day at work. I happened to glance in my rear view mirror before I got out of the car. I looked like a mess. ( I work at a physically demanding job). I put it out of my mind. I got home and while I'm cooking my dinner I started sobbing thinking how awful I look. I've had a rough past couple of years and due to the stress I have multiple health issues. I never concerned myself with my looks. I never got much romantic attention growing up. I saw myself as average looking. I guess it bothering me more than I thought. Luckily I'll be working with a new therapist tomorrow. I had been unpacking a lot of trauma previously. This reminds me that I still have a way to go. I do appreciate your videos. Many thanks. 😊
❤ 🤗 you got this
I hope you get the support you need. I guess one benefit of living in a small country is that I get to see our "celebrities" in real life, up close, without all the trickery, on the regular. I do think that media gives people a very warped sense of reality. I bet you look just like anybody else does after working all day. I hope you gain what you need to love & protect yourself more.
@@punkybrewstar83It must be nice to see them, I live in a big country and we never see our celebrities.
Hope your doing better,
❤❤
I was treated ugly and bullied so much in high school but I was always praised for being naturally skinny so I ended up becoming anorexic cause I thought it was my only good trait :/
Yeah but even that’s a mixed bag, comments about my “slimness” either marveling how i never gain weight & gotten “fat” or how i look weird and sickly lol
Same. Being considered "naturally skinny" by others became a prison because it meant that I could never risk any slight amount of weight gain because then people would comment on and judge me negatively on it as if i'd failed at my one skill of being skinny
I thought being smart was my only good trait and now I have nothing to show for it
The pressure to stay skinny is real. I remember my aunties talking about how "I'd get fat when i got older" so hitting puberty and gaining thighs was an absolute nightmare.
I am genuinely so sorry that happened to you
This made me look at my google photos. I found pictures from 2010-2013 where I thought I was so ugly and unlovable. Started crying looking back at how sweet and innocent I was. I just want to give my younger self a good, long hug and tell me how inherently worthy she is. And still am. I am so loved by myself and my fiancé and we are expecting our daughter in July. I will do my best to build her confidence and self love so she doesn’t have to go through the same extreme self hate, BPD hell I’ve been trough❤️
This is so real! I feel that experience of looking back on pictures from when I genuinely HATED how I looked and seeing a cute little kid is so healing ❤️
I grew up with a pretty face but overweight. And the complex that came with being told "you would be so hot if you lost like 30 lbs" was horrible. That of course led to disordered eating. And I ended up with some of the worst men I ever knew because I was just craving attention from men. I have gotten more comfortable in my 30s even though I did gain some weight back after I got clean. According to my doctor I'm at a healthy weight, but it's hard to reconcile the fact that I used to be consistently under 130 lbs and I can't seem to get back there
I so understand about the weight thing. I used to be 120 pounds in high school, now I weigh 150 pounds even though I exercise vigorously. Sadly, I got the most attention from men when I was an underweight 110 pounds. That says a lot about today's society. I have to be pretty much anorexic in order to attract men. It's weird.
@@HaleyMary Same. Through my 20s it was constant and I had gotten to a point where I was a little under 100 lbs. It's like it's a fetish for them. It's so hard to lose weight the older one gets though
I am pretty much aneroxic, and men don't like that, in my country they love the curvy ones. It depends on the culture.
@@grazielaalmeida8438 that's absolutely true. Beauty standards are different all around the world
I had the same thing, although it started before I was actually overweight, and the years of disordered eating actually rendered me quite overweight. I’ve been trying and failing for years at fixing my relationship with food, exercise, and my body image. I’ve been getting better, though, at least.
It really hurts as a black woman that when you think about crushes, and realize you are probably not who they daydream about or think of when they hear 'beautiful'. Without all the exotic eurocentric features... On top of that, they could just hate me. This mindeet keeps me from ever pursuing love because i hate the odds i have to face of chances of am I just a fetish to them or if they are racst... Or both? If im not unique, im invisible.
If you're thinking like this you're probably just ugly and it's not you being black
I can relate to this as a Black woman myself ,and to some extent, I still do struggle with this. But the truth is that as much as Anti-Black racism and misogynoir is still prevalent globally and despite what those that benefit from it would like to project as reality, the truth is that attraction is a diverse spectrum and that no one will ever have exactly the same mindset.So for those that are racist against Black women are well as those that aren't interested , there are those on the other side of the spectrum that don't have a racial preference, those that have preferences that include Black women , those that prefer Black women as well as the fetishists of course. Every action has an equal but opposite reaction. Like the saying by a commenter with the name "islandgal" goes, everyone is a preference for someone. So don't worry about whether there are people that will like you back as a Black women , because there certainly are. Just don't idolise any group of people so that you can be detached enough to be able to use your discernment when it come to looking at the character and actions of said person as well as other important things to look for in a romantic partner.This is also so that you can start to decentre your worth based on romance and desirability as well as decentring what an anti-Black world dictates for Black women
Plus there are tangible instances of Black women in long-term relationships or marriages to people of various races and cultures be it their own race and culture, people of other cultures, White, Latin, Indigenous Asian. You name it. Not to mention the various types as well ranging from the average person to scientists , businesspeople with empires , celebrities and royalty.
Black women are not ugly. That is just a lie that has been peddled for over 400 year and ongoing to give a fake sense of superiority to those that believe it.There would no one copying us, our features, stealing our inventions or ideas or culturally appropriating from us if it was true. And there certainly would be no Black women beauty queens or any historical or current Black women that are acknowledged as beautiful
Not to mention those features that are praised in other racial groups, there are Black women that have those features naturally without any non-Black heritage because of the genetic diversity of those of African descent. Thank you eve gene.
NB: I have some TH-camr recommendations that may help with this if you're interested:
The Dark Skin Clique.
Joules Lo'well.
Tera Chantelle.
Salkis Re.
Neemah Speaks
BurbnBougie
Maria Mulokole
Apieceofmymind
AllureFemininity
AyeshaNoelle Affirmations
Black GirlFyre
Noir Commentary
Alecia Renece The Artist
Black women Self Love Journey
Black Women On The Internet
Shar Henley
Locked honey princess
Karine Alourde and her channels
Shayna Conde
Mayowa's world/ Melanin Magic AF
Mossonyi
Creatively Designed Presents
Manifestelle
No Crack Tribe
Glowing With Confidence
Melanated Queens of The Internet and more
So yeah. I wish you all the best in the world and don't let anti-Black racists or anyone that partakes in that stuff make you think that they can "objectively " determine what your worth is or what you do or do not deserve in life or your destiny, when objectively they do not have the power to do such in the slightest. It's just an illusion that inflates their fake sense of authority
I was always "cute" but hardly ever "pretty" and even to this day I'll still get that. People are being nice but don't realize how it is really infantilizing at 31 to have that be the main compliment to have ever gotten (when i wasn't being called ugly by boys), and then I feel like a jerk for expressing how only being cute makes me feel so I stop talking about it and just hurt in silence. I also find that while I didn't get into as many toxic relationships, I DID fall into many many toxic friendships due to my insecurities.
This! It also doesn't help that I'm barely 5 foot 1 so I'm always looked down on (literally). I'm convinced guys wouldn't even think twice about me because I'm small and "cute" (not that I need their approval but you know what I mean). I'm 27 now and never been in a relationship
Yes! Thankyou. I have been told how cute I am by a lot of people and it does feel very infantilizing
Idk if you're short and small in statue to feel that infantalized by the word; not to invalidate your reaction but as some one who's now in their 30's and in an age group where aging for some people definitely starts to show (for those who've got the rougher side of life), I hope you can learn to see the good in being cute. Being cute in your 30's-40's now is synonymous with being youthful 😊 so long as people take you seriously in the workplace or where needed be, there's no need to mull on this word.
I'm myself average. Never considered myself pretty, but cute - yes. And I'm more than happy being merely cute. It's enough for me. It's been a long time since I've put effort into my appearance, so the slouchy dressing attracts less male attention (that I'm very content with) so I never got hung up on that word bc there wasn't an opportunity for that to happen.
Seeing people be confident in features that makes others insecure makes you realize it's a mentality thing. You definitely have an internal issue, within yourself, that you've got a duty to address. And once you'll be able to move on from it you'll be able to live and enjoy your life so much more freely. Because in my pov from what I've seen growing up, sometimes some of the most confident people are those furthest from the beauty standard and they live their lives quite content. So it really shows you many of us are not suffering from a body flaw that makes us insecure but an improper mentality that's affecting our life. Hopefully I've successfully illustrated to you the other side: people who fall into the niche of cute who are happy with it. I'll have you know in East Asia they make a whole culture out of it, so there, to be perceived as cute is the biggest compliment. Maybe you should check out their media to help your self esteem. In Korea it's called Aegyo; in Japan cute is Kawaii; and I'm not sure what it's called in china. But cute culture is very prevalent in Asia: from cute stationary, cute plushies and animated cartoon pictures, to makeup trends that enhance cuteness & youthness, like Aegyo sal; cat-like pointy k nine teeth (Japan), etc.
@LovelyLittleLillies i am short with a round "baby" face. And it hits differently when that's the main compliment you get and rarely get anything else. I don't want to feel that youthful, my childhood sucked and I like myself much more as an adult and want to be treated as one. It doesn't bother me all the time, but it's the overuse of it and how I hardly get anything else. Trust me I understand the other side, most of my family is very tall and while looking a bit younger due to good aging, have always gotten "pretty" and "gorgeous" a lot more. Trust me I am well aware of kawaii culture and partake in it when I feel comfortable doing so. I understand you were trying to be nice but your comment comes across as very invalidating of my feelings and experience in life. I didn't say I fully hate it, just that it's deeply frustrating when it's the main compliment you get. And it does hit as infantalizing when it is the main compliment especially when you get infantilized in other ways due to undiagnosed neurodivergence and trauma induced anger that no one bothered to get you proper help for.
@@StonedHunter yeah I wasn't sure bout your appearance and if it played a part, but now it makes sense and I see your pov. Well I'm sorry that my com ments came off that way and sorry I couldn't uplift you. So sorry you went through something like that. May life be kinder to you in the future x
As someone who has never been attractive and never will be, I appreciate this video so much. Very good points. When I stopped befriending and interacting with most men, and I fully embraced my ugliness, my life improved tremendously. I saw women spend decades hating their bodies and I didn't want to do that. I'm still treated differently, but I've found my people and am happier at 40 than I've ever been.
I have literally been called ugly my whole life. One of my first crushes told me, after I visited his school once, that his classmates all thought I was ugly as shit, my boyfriend's father apparently once said that I was 'the ugliest girlfriend he'd ever had".
When I talk to my conventionally attractive friends about feeling ugly, I can empathize that their feelings are just as valid, but they have literally never had the rest of the world reflect such negative attitudes BACK TO THEM. I once asked one of them if they had ever actually been called ugly, to which she could find no answer. I acknowledge that everyone can feel ugly and undesirable, especially in this day and age with all the fabricated insecurities being marketed to us, but something inside of me will just NEVER get over the fact that, when you are TRULY not fitting in with the conventional beauty standards of the time, YOU ARE SHOWN OVER AND OVER AGAIN. You are overlooked, treated worse, and don't even get me started on the fact that I literally physically cannot believe anyone when they do tell me they like the way I look, because I am CONVINCED that it can't be true.
I have beautiful female friends and just KNOWING how differently the world perceives us is.. it's crushing at times. It's hard for me to go out sometimes because being perceived just makes me want to rip my skin off, and it's not getting better the older I get. I'm 22 now and have hated my appearance my entire life. I don't think it'll ever change. Because I know that, if I am being realistic, I'm JUST NOT PRETTY. I will NEVER be, without extensive surgery at least.
I am unable to have a fulfilling sex life, I am unable to go out in public with my boyfriend without having an inward mental breakdown about the beautiful women walking past us, I am unable to enter a room without immediately assuming everyone thinks 'damn, she looks rough'.
I am almost looking forward to becoming really old so that I at least have that as an 'excuse' as to why I am as weird-looking as I am
Also, the ED thing - I grew boobs pretty early, that was my *one* thing I believed gave me 'value' for a while. Then at 15 I developed an ED and lost the boobs, but all of a sudden people were *amazed* by my results and how *good* I looked, even though I was at my physical worst. I have gained weight now, I'm healthy now, but I can't help but constantly compare myself to my 'skinnier' self.
Reading your comment feels like I've written it myself. It's such a different crushing feeling when you KNOW your perception of yourself isn't just self doubt but something the world has shown you over and over again to be true.
And the getting old part hits so close to home, I never thought other people thought like that as well. I feel like if I had an accident, was disfigured or when I age and everyone around me ages too ill at least have an excuse for being ugly.
Jesus I’m 21 and this is exactly how I also feel. Yesterday I was actually scared to enter the waiting room for my doctor or the pharmacy because I know that everyone will first think “damn she’s ugly”.
I’m so scared to go put in public, I’m even scared to look at myself in the mirror while out and about. Not to mention I hate to look at myself in the pictures. And I just can’t get rid of this feeling, so I can’t even allow myself to think that I could be with someone because I would bring so much baggage into a relationship.
I literally cried reading your comment, I feel your pain.
But physical attractiveness isn't the most important thing in a person, so relax girl. Or am I somehow weird for valuing kindness and intelligence more than looks lol. I also like people who are confident in their "ugliness". I'm very aware almost no one would find me attractive, I was bullied, I've never had a relationship, I know what I look like, but I stopped caring some time ago. Men just go out, no makeup, beer belly, average face, they don't care, why should I? I might not be pretty but I'm not uglier than an average man.
I have an older sister and growing up our parents called me the brains and her the beauty 🙄 they were so wrong. We were both as far as I'm concerned 😘
Wow😳
I work at a summer camp and I've noticed myself thinking "that girl would've bullied me in school" a lot about kids I don’t even know just because they remind me of the pretty popular girls I went to school with. I always find it odd that I'm sometimes intimidated by literal children 🙄. It's something I'm definitely working on.
I know what you mean. You can instantly tell what girls are pedestalized in schools
As a young woman I saw being sexually harassed as a sign of me being pretty (therefore kind of a compliment). That was not a great mindset.
Yes, many women are manipulated into thinking this... until you realise, all women are getting harassed. 😢 it's not a compliment ladies.
Meanwhile I was bullied for being “weird” and neurodivergent. Turns out these people were just jealous of their own mediocrity and lack of original thoughts. It’s sad really how much of the torment I faced in high school was due to people’s own insecurity.
I did have a slight glow up and now I get away with more and don’t get antagonized as often because I’m somewhat conventionally attractive. Many of my peers don’t even recognize me because I was the awkward, weird girl in the back of the class.
I could have written this myself haha. Conventionally attractive but ND af. Had my own weird thing going on, and conformity was huge in the 00s. Even if you were naturally attractive, if you didn’t conform to the fashion trends, makeup trends (Dream Matte Mousse and sparkly blue/silver eye shadow lol) then you weren’t considered attractive. My cousin is also ND and is now a literal model but she was called “ugly” like I was at school because we didn’t dress like the others. Those same boys have since asked us both out 👀
Omg I found my people!! ❤
Same, not conventionally attractive (not white) but my refusal to participate in pea-henning for boys pissed folks off like the dickens.
meanwhile i was autistic and fat, worst of both worlds.
@@twideslauriers7875everyone is a bit on the spectrum
On the topic of an "unattractive" person being unharmed by harassment, I once had a guy tell me he goes out of his way to catcall "ugly girls" because it makes them feel good 😒
As a teen, I'd cover up the mirrors in my bedroom and look at my feet when walking past shop windows, all to avoid looking at myself. I thought I was so ugly that I could barely look at my face for more than a second.
I'm 35 now, and I've embraced body neutrality. it took years overcoming an ED to get here, but I can see my value beyond my looks, and I feel that I have healthier relationships with other women as a result.
It wasn't easy, I'll admit that, but was absolutely worth it
One comment (from when I was still thin and able-bodied) has stuck with me for 20 years: „if you applied some makeup and wore better clothes, you could at least look average“
And now I‘m fat and in my late 30s.. And not a single man has looked at me in 10 years and it‘s honestly so much nicer to be basically invisible to half the population. 🤣
I have a good friend who was a model in her 20s and is now in her late 50s. She’s talked to me about how aging makes her feel so free to do whatever she wants, and she’s so much happier. Her looks in youth made her a magnet for creepy men, and she’s so relieved to be invisible to them now.
Just because a woman is invisible to men doesn’t mean that she’s free from being SAed. If that were to happen the likely hood of being believed is “thin”. Personally, I wish I could thrive in my beauty without being creeped on. I don’t want to hate being pretty or invest in myself and for that to be interpreted as “for the men” 🤡. I hate when everything a woman does have to make sense/for the man but a man could be a piece of shit and they get a pass.
I’ve always struggled with body image due to having high testosterone levels for a woman. I have very dark hair and it grows fast. Skipping more than 2 days of shaving means my legs will be noticeably hairy. I have had dark hair between my eyebrows and above my lip since before I was even 10, and a friend once asked me if I was a man because of the hair on my arms. I have never shaved my arms, because honestly I don’t want to have to deal with having to keep up with another superficial thing, but I’ve also always experienced insecurity when it comes to my arm hair. It’s very noticeable, and sometimes in photos I hate the way my arms look. My girlfriend the other day mentioned how attractive she finds my arm hair and I didn’t believe her. I told her it’s always been one of my biggest insecurities and that I felt it made me look too masculine. She told me that yes it’s a masculine trait, but she didn’t understand why that was such a bad thing. She told me it’s something she notices in a positive way, something that makes me more attractive to her. Her words gave me the biggest confidence boost, and I wish I could come to accept myself for how I am on my own, but her words helped me see beauty where I once felt shame.
Found a fellow pcos cister, can relate to being a hairy little Sasquatch. The higher T kinda masculine-sized me and my features a bit so it’s a bit of a battle to not look like some kinda wildebeest 😂
I’ve got a good amount of arm hair too, and I’m lucky in that it didn’t even occur to me to feel self conscious about it until I was at the point where I actively loved it. And I do, I really do. I like it on myself, and on other people. Your girlfriend has wonderful taste. Hope you’re both having a great day lol
I second your girlfriend, I find it attractive lol, not in guys though. But isn’t it funny that because of Gillette we women have the expectation to shave when before, while with some existing shaving methods throughout history, people were just hairy lol because we are hairy, and it wasn’t a problem, even considered attractive
I thought I was perceived as average in terms of appearance in middle school. I also felt like I needed to be the nicest and smartest girl to compensate, yes. Because I'm naturally empathetic and love learning, that was not a huge leap for me.
But I feel so lucky that I found theater in high school. It helped me feel pretty comfortable in my own skin, which I've managed to mostly maintain, and actually worthy of attention (without any of the drama stereotypically associated with theater, haha).
21:01 is soo real. My BDD can lay dormant but once I see a picture of myself I want to cry. I’ve have switched my diet and exercised, but I haven’t seen any results. Whenever I feel great a single picture can ruin my day, heck my week. Smh
Your eyeshadow is GIVING. Giving me fucking ideas that is 😂 the eyeshadow colors are so cute
Okay so, I live in a red, southern state-right? Also, I’m black, queer, dark-skinned, thickly built, and I’m like a little taller than average for a femme-with broad, sloping shoulders and an alto voice to boot. Recently I’ve gone through the big chop (cutting off all my chemically relaxed hair, to begin the process of growing out my natural hair-for all of those not in the community lol) So now here I am at 24 with a short, coiled fro. I imagine I’m what most people think of when they conjure an image of a black woman, given some sideways shit people have said to me. One white girl literally told me she wasn’t surprised I used weed on occasion because I’m a “thick, black girl” on her words, so that’s what I’m working with round these parts🫤 So anyway, my experiences with boys growing up were always trash because I was always a lil chubster, and probably because I was gay as hell-but I didn’t know that yet. Also I had to wear glasses since the 3rd grade, which was severely fucked up. Anyway, one time in middle school, one boy who bullied me called me the ugliest girl he’s ever seen completely unprovoked. Also he would just put his hands on me, like one time he pulled up my pants leg to reveal my ashy leg which was humiliating because I WAS ashy that day…and also it was wildly inappropriate. Nowadays I’ve had my swan moment though, right? I’m still a chubster, but it’s more proportional now or whatever. And I personally love my body, I think my chub is cute. I have bad days where I wish I was a size 2, but I’m working on that.
It’s also strange seeing how men treat me different being on the “other side” as it were. I get unwanted attention routinely from men, although I thought I wanted it when I had less confidence. Also, men I don’t know will make unnecessary conversation with me at the most inconvenient times, which sucks balls. And my dating app dms are flooded with crusty dusty 35-60 year olds.
(P.S.: You’re not inherently crusty, nor dusty if you are between hose ages. However, you might be crusty or dusty if you’re pursuing someone who could be your child in age)
Tragically, my mum was SAed as a teen, then laughed away by trusted adults and police when she tried to get help because she wasn't considered thin or conventionally attractive enough.
Understandably, she went on to develop some very problematic beliefs about beauty and worth, which she unfortunately never unpacked or got help with.
Despite my empathy for her issues, therapy, moving out, and going low contact were essential for my maintaining any amount of self-esteem or personal happiness.
It's upsetting to me how normalised toxic codependency is between parents and their kids. It's a form of emotional abuse and a significant risk factor for developing a lot of the issues discussed in this video and even personality disorders. It's always great to see Bryony's content on tackling misrepresented/ignored social issues ❤
My best friend in middle school weighed more than me, and I never knew what to say when her weight got her down. I would say “you’re not fat!” when what I meant was that she’s so much more than her body. I loved that she was brave and outspoken with her opinions, style, likes and dislikes, etc. I admired her so much for having the courage to say and do what I could only dream of saying and doing. Of the two of us, I saw her as the cool and beautiful one, whereas I saw myself as awkward and unsure because I didn’t know how to dress, do makeup, or speak my mind.
I suspect that our friendship ended in large part because her crushes often compared us and liked me because I was thinner. My young, innocent mind couldn’t fathom why someone would like me more than her when she had such a strong sense of self. She probably thought I was being fake when I said I didn’t get it; it must have seemed so obvious to her, and I was completely oblivious.
Now that I realize how fatphobic the world is, I’m sad that I handled those situations so poorly. I wish I could go back and be more encouraging to her, and tell those guys to eff off instead of ever accepting attention/validation that I now realize was shallow.
People called me naive for believing that everyone knows personality is more important than looks. It turns out I’m just asexual, so physical attractiveness is easily shrugged off. Beauty is nice, but it’s not all that interesting. I don’t choose to spend lots of time with someone because they’re pretty; I think everyone should choose friends, partners, etc. by how you get along and enjoy each other’s personalities.
crazy to me that some people are willing to call someone a "DUFF" to their face.
Someone I thought was my friend called me that and explained the acronym like it was a cute thing to call someone and not a friendship ending statement.
There was this one time in one of my classes a guy asked me for my socials. I seriously questioned why he was asking me, because I never thought anyone would find any worth in me other than making me the butt of a joke for ever thinking anyone would ask me out.
I asked him multiple times about it, even his friend was vouching for him. I was just completely floored, it’s never happened to me before. I just didn’t know how to respond, because there were so many prettier, funnier, more helpful and better performing girls in my school and I always thought I was weird but not the good kind of weird. I still feel so bad about it to this day, and it weighs heavy on my mind how much I had to be convinced that someone had romantic interest in me…
Growing up black Ik I’ll never be white. I also know I’ll never look like a typical mixed person who has lighter skin and curlier hair. Honestly some days I find peace in my beauty, other days it’s pure chaos and depressing. I’ve come to realize having the most privilege means no resilience, detachment from real people, and it doesn’t ensure you’ll be guarded from all of life’s ills. I’m black, I will always be black, I find love and joy in my culture as much as there’s hardship in the constant comparison the moment I walk out the door. People have told me I’m beautiful, other people and the internet have told me otherwise. Just because you’re not the expectation doesn’t mean you won’t be loved and cherished by people on this planet. I do wonder what it would be like, to be detached from reality for a day.
My best "glow up" is when I can look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful (I had a baby face for a long time and my personality gave the impression I was much younger than actually am and caused people to infantilize me), finally lost my baby face in my 30s. It also helped finding a friend group that accepts and respects my personality without thinking me as naive or too childish for my age. My "glow up" is still a work in progress, learning to love my muscles and wider arms. Growing up I hated how wide the top half of my body is, felt muuuch bigger and heavier than I actually was
love your muscles and wide arms for me! i've always wanted muscular arms, just too lazy to ever commit (if i even can put on muscle like that)
I have a baby face as well. People always say I should be grateful because I will look younger when I am old but I don't like it cause people as you said infantilize me. I am actually super happy that I am starting to get forehead wrinkles! I am finally looking like an adult and I don't get people thinking I am a teenager much anymore!
@@susannamarie1695How long does it take to get these forehead wrinkles? I’m 24 and still look like I’m in high school. Always get carded at the bar. 😭
@@rayw.6677 I'm 29. Start raising your eyebrows more often 😉
18:25 similar thing happened to my mom in the 80s. When she was in elementary school. The only reason my mom got her ears pierced (the very first among her peers actually) so people would stop thinking she was a boy. (Because my grandpa was stingy above everything, but this somehow got through him. My Ma still got into fist fights with people bullying her for having to wear handmedowns from the 60s and 70s- which in the 80s made a huge difference if you are the only kid with i.e. a psychedelic pants with bell bottoms the size of a dinner plate.)
Being considered pretty is a lot easier when you can afford it.
Ever since I was a kid, I was considered to be ugly/average and this never really changed. I had a brief 'pretty' period during high school but even then people would outcast me because I was different from other people, both because I was into alternative fashion AND because I'm neurodivergent. After a while, you simply start believing their words and start to distrust anyone who will call you "pretty", after all, everyone's told you you're ugly, ever since you were a kid.
My boyfriend compliments me constantly on how pretty I am, but I just don't see it; I'm overweight, I have facial/excess body hair because of hormonal issues and I can't take care of myself because of my disabilities. My brain just constantly goes into fight/defense mode whenever someone calls me beautiful, pretty or whatever. Like "What do they want from me this time?" because most of the time, when people said something along the lines of "you're so pretty", they always wanted a specific thing from me.
The "Male Validation" thing has been such a massive plotpoint in my childhood, to the point where, once I turned 18, I dove straight into the adult scene, to get validation from anyone who would give it to me, because I never found myself pretty, but I still wanted to hear those words, wanted to feel wanted. But all it did was destroy my self-esteem even more.
People forget that words linger. For every compliment I got, the negative comments outweigh them every time. You could give me 20 compliments and I will still remember being told I was ugly when I was a teen. That I should end my life because no one would love me for how I looked.
You could compliment me and I'd never believe you.
What I experienced is many girls/women (me included) take their fist dig at selfworth from their moms. Mothers who themself have put themself down and who were put down by others. We kinda inherit some of their views of oneself. Many of my negative takes on myself are from my mom. But talking to her doesn't helf at all - rather it hurts me more. So, I have to work that myself out.
I’m pretty shy and whenever I’m in public and see a beautiful woman I tell my mom and because she is extroverted she tells them and it’s very nice to see people be happy being told their beautiful! (Phoenix emoji)
The best tag team duo! ❤❤❤
I always say "everyone is beautiful to someone" instead of "everyone is beautiful" because not everyone will think you are attractive, and that is okay because everyone has different ideas of what is attractive.
My chest has always hung lower due to them always being big after puberty. My eyes have little bags and a slight hollow on them because apparently my face doesn't hold fat there proportionally lol. I've always had smile lines around my mouth because I have a naturally large smile and the creases have always been melinated and more noticeable. All these things made me feel so insecure about looking "old" growing up and it's taken me a long time to be be neutral about it all as just superficial facts about myself. So happy for the place I'm at now and I hope anyone else on their journey finds peace
smile lines are the coolest thing ever
Are we the same person? I've struggled with accepting myself for all these traits too 😭
It's sad that I see the beauty of these traits in other people but not in myself. I'm working on it though
Youre so right about how freeing it is to hit 30 haha
My big breakthrough was when slimthicc became a thing. Mostly because... I have a small waist and fairly broad hips. Aka i have quite a big butt. That is not a flex btw, because heres the context: i was a teen in the mid 2000s. When low waisted jeans were a thing and having a "muffin top" meant you are fat. Guess what you INEVITABLY have if you stuff your big butt into low waist jeans? Yh. so all through my teen years, i was told i Had a fat butt and that that was disgusting.
Then the 2010s come along and suddenly BBLs ate everywhere. And suddenly my butt became nice. Suddenly i had a good figure. Same dress size, same Body shape, just 10 years later.
And thats what made me really stop giving a damn. With the y2k trend, chances are we are going right back to lean bodies being the prettiest ones, and my body type will fall Out of fashion and i am too old to give a damn now 😂
we had our moment 💁
I was wondering if you could make a video on how woman shame other woman for wanting an attractive (male) partner?
Most woman will say something as "personality is more attractive/important". I even recieve critism for saying I'd preffer a man to look a certain way, because "they didn't choose to look like that".
A lot of man seem to think that we have very high standards for man, but I actually feel that a lot of woman shame each other for setting standards with the people they date, especially when it comes to the physical aspect.
Hard agree - I get that everyone is different and for some people personality is more important than looks, but we all have every right to refuse people as romantic and/or sexual partners because we're not physically attracted to them - I don't mock men for not looking like my idea of an attractive guy cuz that's mean and shallow, but I do have hardwired physical preferences of what turns me on in a guy that I cannot just ignore, and I deeply dislike and resent it when people give me shit for that - my ideal in terms of a physically attractive guy is most of the things society says women tend to prefer, except I actually find short men really attractive and appreciate that I don't have to crane my neck to kiss them lol. I think different people do find different physical traits attractive and I'm not presuming to speak for all women here, but I have definitely observed what you describe from people of all genders. (POV: I'm a fat lady with a fairly conventionally pretty face, I'm autistic and have ADHD as well, and I get a fair bit of attention from the kind of men I do find attractive, but it was really hard to get past the stage I was in where I thought I couldn't possibly attract or "deserve" to be with guys I find hot, and my depression, anxiety and OCD just made that whole cocktail of emotions even more painful, but now I've learned to value myself a lot more and I love looking and smelling pretty, wearing a bit of makeup and nail polish, and have lots of lovely clothes that I really enjoy dressing up in). I have guy friends who feel bad about how they look and I just wanna hug them and tell them it'll all be ok (I do actually hug them and offer reassurance, I'm just saying I feel protective and care about their struggles), and I never give other women shade for their appearance either, but I wish we didn't seem to be kinda tacitly encouraging something that borders on rape culture by telling people it's wrong to turn people down based on a lack of physical attraction. I also have sensory issues around kissing on the mouth with some people and have been gaslit about that a lot too, and my mum made some really unpleasant comments about me not wanting to date significantly older men that are probably related to that kind of societal attitude, that she's only now started to really recognise were deeply harmful. However, she's neurodivergent too, so I think she really struggles to understand stuff like that and it's not entirely her fault. Sorry, this comment is a bit all over the place but anyway sending love and kindness to everyone reading this :)
Yesss. The amount of times I’ve been told to go for a guy even tho there wasn’t even a spark. It’s because if the idea that those we’re not attracted to are ‘safer’ to be with but every man can fuck you over lol it’s just a matter of how they ruin your life.
I hate that women are still controlled by telling them to not go after what and who they desire. It forces them to deny a very big part of themselves.
growing up i never felt pretty and i was exposed to the “ugly guy hit wife” trope and it pissed me off that men could look mediocre and still get an attractive woman while women are shamed and made fun of for wanting an attractive male ..
and it’s not like i wanted a ‘ryan reynolds’ or anything just someone i find attractive and feels the same abt me
These types of girls are so hypocrites ☠️ like whats so wrong about wanting someone attractive when everyone wants that
@@cyb3rstalkerThis is because men are rated lower and women are rated higher by strange women and men respectively. Men you don't know often look ugly and unattractive to you. This is one of the reasons why men feel invisible and lonely, they're treated with hostility by strangers.
Our neighbourhood used to told me that I am an intelligent person in a manner of consolation prize. I used to see a beautiful girl when I looked at the mirror, and everyone treated me otherwise as I was such an "average looking person". I used to go tell people I liked, and they would pity me. Now I have to convince myself that I am beautiful, and positive comments/affirmations/validations from others aren't enough to convince me. Now everyone thinks that I can "get" whoever I want. Now I feel uncomfortable when I hear that I am beautiful.
It'd be so boring if we all looked the same 🐦🔥
Real
So true
I went too school between the years of 2007-2017 the peak of the shift from being skinny to being “thicc” as being the mainstream attractiveness it was honestly awful for everyone. you were made fun of for being too skinny and being too fat. if you weren’t shaped like a Pixar mom you were then not seen as the conventionally attractive. I definitely remember getting hit on more in highschool once the “slim thick” era started I would literally wear baggy clothes and not show my body cause I knew someone would say something about it. That’s why I truly connected with Billie eilish as a teen. she was beautiful to so many young girls and teens but every boy who talked about her always asked “I wonder what she looks like under the baggy clothes” …like no wonder why that poor women didn’t wear anything feminine until she was like 18 cause it didn’t stop the sexualization of a then teenage girl. But we have to do something as teens to not get attention from most likely older men…don’t even get me started on getting hit on more as a teen then as a 25 year old women… literally the past 3 times I’ve been hit on they have asked me if I’m in school yet….like I know I could be in college but…I doubt that’s what they were thinking. I have a hormonal imbalance I look younger then what I am and I am aware of that especially with men’s behavior towards me.
Great topic, Im convinced everyone struggles with comparison
🐦🔥🐦🔥🐦🔥 truly, it is very hard to rise from the ashes of low self esteem.. being a millennial… there wasn’t BIPOC representation, there wasn’t any wiggle room to be “fat” and fat was another about a size 6… and then as you age and health issues arrive on your doorstep, weightloss isn’t easy.. my heart is just sad that there’s so many of us who struggle with comparison & low self esteem. Its an every day choice to continue to participate social media even though you’re not “tiktok pretty”.. just rambling.. but one day it’ll be better
When I was in high school, my French teacher told me an anecdote about a glamourous older French woman who joked about American women who "wanted to die looking like they had hardly lived". Setting aside stereotypes about glamorous French women (sorry, it would take me a while longer to unpack all that), this anecdote was SUCH A GIFT. It became a kind of mental talisman against looking worse than our society seemed to expect.
Also, in a weird way, I think being bi has helped. I'm not only attracted to women who are younger than me, so why should I worry that people won't find me attractive if I look my age?
I'm not single, but even if I were, if someone's my age but they're only into people younger than them, that sounds like a problem with them and I consider that a bullet dodged.
Look I'm a bloke, so I know about men.
Don't base your self worth on what we think, we're idiots.
Be a kind person and try to help others.
And look for other people who do the same.
It doesn't guarantee wealth or love, but it will bring happiness.
Well said, Samuel.
we weren't meant to see this many people, let alone beautiful people in a lifetime but social media makes it possible
I got diagnosed with an ED a few days ago. My life has been a constant struggle of looking in the mirror trying really hard to find beauty there. Of glancing at my reflection every chance I get when I'm outside, even with other people. And always seeing myself as a giant monster compared to everyone I'm with. It hurts every time I see it and all the life gets sucked out of me. I dont even feel like the same species as everyone else.
It’s really hard for me too
I’m currently recovering but it’s very slow for me 😭💀
I was a cute kid but bullied for being "fat" because I had a round face. It was truly appalling because I was so young and thin as a rail. Adhd and being introverted made it hard for me to make a lot of friends and I wound up the "ugly weird girl" who fought with bullies constantly. Eventually I just became invisible to myself. I did have great moments in high school drama class as the character actress who played comic roles, but I didn't feel attractive enough to pursue acting. Most of my life I've just felt unseen and unwanted except in my one long term relationship (that fell apart eventually) and now I'm just...invisible again.
I worked in a prison and... one of the many fucked up things that happened during my employment was that someone was sexually assaulted. No one believed her bc she was super fat. My colleagues were so intensely carceral and sometimes just fucking mean to their clients (these were therapists). But if they can see the victim is fat? Nah. They assumed she made it up. The staff member lost her job. I got the fuck out of there as fast as possible
🪽 no Phoenix emoji?
I grew up very much as one of those girls, who most people would pass by but some people did find me very attractive. In a way being sort of in the middle-ground always made me compare myself to super pretty people around me, thinking once I reach that level of beauty, I will get proportionally more attention and love for it.
Honestly, complete bullshit thinking. It destroyed my mental health and made me stuck-up and hard to approach.
I think growing up mentally as a woman is realizing that you need to let go of the need to be beautiful.
Which isnt easy, at all, because from a young age, thats what a lot of our worth is defined by.
But once you realize that you DO have a choice in this, that you CAN learn to let go of this pressing need to be the "most beautiful" in every room you walk into, youll finally have that taste of freedom that actually being seen and appreciated for anything other than your looks can give you. Yes, putting care in your appearance and playing around with style is fun, but really only when you can truly say that is what you want to be doing for your own playful confidence, not out of a necessity.
Thanks for mentioning the photo thing and how it distorts the image. I often hate photos of myself because I feel like I look fat in photos, yet I'll look in the mirror and I'll look fine, so I have to stop scrutinizing the photos so much.
I am struggling with an ed, And I realized that my insecurity and sense of self worth comes from my parents.. especially my mom, noticing all the comments about the things she’s insecure about , or how she should eat, etc, in my childhood has really impacted me and how she would also say those comments on me as i was a bigger child. And when i lost the weight she would compliment me so much more..
I grew up being chubby and it affected me a lot. I lost weight and now whenever I gain a small amount of weight, I feel sooo bad. Now I am starting to overcome this because I realized that I am a big girl and it is okay. I always compare myself to models etc. but my figure is different than them. I hope I can eat a dessert without a guilt one day but I am learning to do so. Love yourself, love your body!
Also i know i am not that big but i feel like one. And that is the point that sucks. And when I was even skinnier I was also feeling chubby. It is in my mind but I can’t help it.
It's heartbreaking how this sums up so much about so many of our experiences. I hope we all get healed. And soon.
For me it’s always comparing my intelligence to other people who are Harvard grads, researching the cure to cancer at 16, 4.0 gpa and here I am completely average and failing at everything.
The way people around us see our physical appearance can seriously affect how we see ourselves. My mom and sister always talked about how ugly they thought they were and how they’d do anything to be skinny, have clear skin, or a perfect nose. My sister and I would watch Gilmore Girls and keep pointing out how “perfect” Rory was.
Growing up hating yourself for not being gorgeous just makes you hungry-for validation, attention, and, eventually, for power and ease.
Now, as an adult I've grown into myself. My skin is clear, my body has filled out, and I can look in the mirror and usually find beauty. Though it’s still difficult to accept compliments.
But I still feel like that freckle-faced, acne-ridden, gangly 12-year-old girl is just beneath the surface. It’s tough to stop seeing myself as a checklist of things to improve, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely.
I grew up thinking that I was cute, but because being skinny was the be all and end all in the 90s and early 00s (during my tween and teen years), I realised I didn't fit the beauty standard. It helped that I was also a nerd, so I often felt a kinship with the quirky sidekicks in films and TV shows. However, it also helped that I was raised by parents who praised us for our accomplishments, and didn't think that a person's appearance was the best thing of who they were as a human being.
That said, I had to work on my internalised misogyny, to accept that I could be clever, and like traditionally female coded things, like baking and knitting and sewing, and that it didn't make me any less of a feminist.
being average probably saved me from some really nasty behaviour from men because they didn't think I was worth flirting with. and so many pretty girls were approached by ugly nasty creepy older men who were truly appaling to them, treated them like a piece of meat.
I'm lucky I managed to avoid that but I can imagine it can really mess you up when you're young.
EDIT: I don't plan on having children, but I'll do my damnest to be the aunt role model who will uplift my friend's and sister's children.
I've also never been approached or catcalled and I'm almost thirty. It's fucked up that we can be like sad about something that is objectively horrible. I don't want to experience those things but like....being ignored is no fun.
Not being cat called and feeling safe enough to take solo walks at night is probably the only good thing I got out of being fat and ugly lol
The D.U.F.F. was honesty a good movie for pointing this out. Plus it had the VA for Katara and Amity.
I was always the invisible friend in the group: frizzy hair, acne and braces. To compensate, I relied on my quick wit and intelligence, which helped me to spot bullshitters a mile away 😅 My two best friends were (and still are) beautiful, with silky, thick hair and clear skin. I've matured, gained tons of confidence, and grown into my body/looks, but I still feel invisible. Perhaps that's why I've put so much effort into cultivating my personal style, which is colourful and very unique (where i live). So what catches people's attention is my outgoing personality and unique dress sense, rather than my looks alone. I still feel ugly, almost 30 years later, to be honest.
15:55 This. I’m a mixed POC with a black father and a white mother. My sister and I were pretty much single handily raised by our mother. She tried her best with our 4C hair but she just didn’t know what to do with it. And growing up in 95% white communities there was nowhere we could go for advice. Seeing people on tv who mostly has straight or wavy hair didn’t help how self conscious we were about our hair. It took until I was 35 to unpack all the internalized racism I held towards my own looks and stop straightening my hair and embrace natural hair styles.
I think as one gets older, we embrace more and more the lovely PERKS of being average. The world is made for the norm! And being average helps us feel more of a part of the whole of humanity, we are all in this together. I am proud to be average, truly!
I grew up with my family calling me ugly. I get very confused whenever I get a compliment it throws me off guard.
I don’t agree with your push back against deleting social media. If it’s hurting your mental health to open Instagram and look at models or see skinny girls on your tiktok feed, delete that shit. I am all for curating social media to show bodies that like your own and I see the value in social media. But scroll culture is a confidence killer. I highly recommend deleting or at least limiting tiktok and Instagram screen time if you find it’s hurting your ability to love yourself.
Nahh I’m still
On social media but I hardly see stuff about beauty bc I don’t find those things. I’m not fem tho so it makes it much easier to look for things not about beauty and makeup I only watch educational and specific niche interests. It got easier when I went into my 30s and I accept myself and gender at least and seeing stuff not about what’s attractive been easy to avoid but it takes time so hopefully young people grow to not regret anything eventually you will learn to love urself again
Also, social media has a weird way of connecting us with people. We are not supposed to be bombarded with super attractive people all the time, it's against nature.
The "you are happier above 30" thing is very true. I have watched myself mature so much and stopped giving a sht about so many things regarding my looks, like if I wear earrings, nice clothes or whatever. The best thing was to switch my job from one where I had to be presentable all time and looked at all time (as a teacher in front of the class, in the school hallways, the teachers rooms and on the street) to not needing to be presentable most of the time (office job with no other person in my room, only a few meetings or tours that I will do for special groups visiting). It helped SO MUCH to have this job now, so I just dont care about how I look, and my coworkers always are in work clothes and dirty and all that, so no one is actually requested to be "presentable".
Growing up, I watched my peers get into all the struggles, but this didnt concern me most of the times. Because of my autism, I found out pretty early that most of it just DIDNT MAKE ANY SENSE and I refused to get caught in things like it, because there was no logic in it, besides "if you are pretty, you have an easier life". But all those pretty people were the worst when it came to personality, and because I was bullied and always an outsider, I didnt even bother, because even if I would be pretty, I would still be autistic, so... my autism actually prevented that I would fall into most of the traps (yeah I had dyed hair and some trendy jeans, couldnt avoid all of it), which I find pretty amazing and I am kinda thankful for. Now, in my 30s, I realize it and can make peace with all that.
I think this is only true if you’ve gotten past those life stages where looks are really crucial in attracting a social group, a job, and a partner and we’re always unattractive.
I’m behind in the dating field badly, and I definitely still focus a lot on looks. Not only because of the above, but because not looking right and being alone a lot can make me a target for abuse from strangers. I’m glad to hear your recollection from so many women, but it’s really not due to your age alone.
I'm so happy I participated in this survey. Hearing my words read back to me was so shocking. My heart aches for my younger self.
Okay so I might delete this comment later since I never comment on people's videos but for once I feel so understood about a topic that I feel like doesn't get talked about enough.
I understand that some people might be wondering "well if you aren't being called ugly or something then what's wrong with being called average?"
And I a part of me would agree like why am I upset about being seen as average. Until it hit me.
Among some of the worst interactions I have had with people was back in middle school when I was minding my business drawing in art class. A boy sitting next to me whom I rarely spoke with turned to me and said "I don't know why but you are the most Painstakingly average person I have ever met. Do you know that about yourself?"
Bro that shit crushed me and I didn't know why. He didn't call me ugly. He didn't make fun of me like my other bullies did. He just called me average.
In a way it sorta brought something out of me. Like a call to "do better" and prove I am an interesting person. In some ways it has helped like it has helped me to push myself to go out of my way to do things. But most of the time I feel shame and wasteful. I also struggle with depression so I do have a harder time wanting to go out a do things resulting in me spending my days laying around watching TH-cam or TV for hours and when I think about what that boy said to me, I feel like I am wasting my life by being average.
If I am not a fun cool interesting individual all the time do people even want to bother getting to know me? What happens if I can't be interesting all the time and I bring nothing to the table? I can't constantly do things all the time!
people that go around telling other people who they supposedly are aren't worth listening to in the first place. Like what kind of hobby is that, didn't he had anything better to do?
@@vivvy_0 honestly I am still unsure why he said that to me. I didn't even really know him. He just sat next to me a few times during that class and I rarely spoke to him. Super weird but definitely unprovoked.
For me, I have found a lot of freedom in experimenting with style. I love dressing in funky stuff and it’s so freeing. I’ve noticed that I would rather people remember me for the creativity I’ve put into an outfit instead of just my face being pretty
I've been average looking at best for most of my life. Fucked self-esteem as a teenager, but thankfully my parents (especially my father) were always giving me positive reinforcement. So by the time I reached my early twenties I aggressively did not care anymore and didn't let my looks stop me from what I wanted to do. One thing I noticed during that time was that men, in bars and clubs especially, saw my somewhat mousy appearance and assumed that dropping a line like "you're actually pretty, did you know that?" would lead to a score.
Amazing makeup ! 🐦🔥
I've become much more comfortable about myself than I used to be. I'm a singer. When I was young, I hated hearing recordings of me singing and performing for concerts and recitals. I was always picky about how I sounded on audio. Now, I'm at an age range where my voice has naturally changed, and it has helped me become more confident that I can post myself singing more and be proud of my vocal abilities instead of cringing. I also used to be very insecure when it came to my hormonal acne, and I used to get defensive whenever I would get micro-examined. Now, I know how to take care of it, and I'm part of an online acne group where people go to vent and get tips on how to help different types of acne. It's still a process, though, but it fluctuates. However, I've come to accept that acne doesn't equal self-worth.
Envy is always projected. And can only be cured from the inside out. Accepting who you are, what you look like, and your own mortality. That’s the recipe for happiness.
i've always felt average and i've always hated it :( i'm 20 but i'm still waiting for my "big, impressive glow-up"... i just can't shake off the need of validation and i wish others could see me as desirable :((( i'm working on healing mylsef but it's so hard.. i feel invisible
same :/
Glow up starts around 28, you'll see. Just eat healthy, work out and use natural skin care and light make up.... and boom, you'll be smoking at 30.
Love the body neutrality mindset, thanks for sharing! Also, I definitely became more myself after I turned 30 as well, so cheers to you, love! My give-a-damn is busted, haha!
When I was 13 I asked my 26 yr old brother (who was my caretaker at the time) why boys didn't like me. He told me I wasn't attractive. The words "you'll never be beautiful" have haunted me to this day. I am 38 years old later this year.
I personally think we're all beautiful in our own way, but that's just me.
My self-esteem was very low as a teen because of acne, being the duf (we had fat friends, so I was the ugly one), being the outspoken protector of the pretty friends, and bullying. I don't think I've ever thought of myself as pretty, but my self esteem has definitely improved in adulthood with body neutrality and dating. I realized I didn't have to think I was beautiful for men to think that, and also that a man thinking I was beautiful wasn't worth shit irl. I also looked at how miserable my mom/aunts/cousins were with their perceived faults and decided I didn't want to feel that way about myself, so I've tried to embrace the dark under eyes and premature greying. I don't want to hide myself, I want to be myself. 🐦🔥🐦🔥🐦🔥
Growing up being below average to average and now being seen as beautiful in my early 20s I'm 29 now.
Honestly it's been a bit of a nightmare. I didn't understand why people kept taking passive aggressive shots on me and it building up to a conflict. And it's because i was already funny and semi and but now it's like I'm well rounded and people feel insecure so it's being very hard maintaining my friendships. I miss when men ( sometimes women) are attracted to me or have crushes on me like I'm always surprised lol I wouldn't take back being seen as a beautiful woman because there are perks but I feel like it has cost me allot of my friendships and I didn't have bfs growing up my friends were my everything so it sucks
I grew up with zero self-confidence. My family mocked me relentlessly, i was depressed from the age of 12 and hardly took care of myself. I was bullied non-stop throughout my 12 years in school. It wasn't until i was in my mid twenties that i realized i was beautiful in my own way. Every year further into my adulthood, i grow in my confidence, and i care less what people think of me. Growing up is so difficult. 0/10, do not recommend. I look at old photos of myself, and I want to go back and give that girl a big hug. She deserves it. She was so lovely and had no idea.
I'm glad that what I find pretty is not the norm. It doesn't matter anymore since I'm married. I was fortunate to go to a high school where everyone was made to feel valued. I found out much later that there were a few women who actually found me attractive in high school but I never knew because there is something wrong with my brain. My self esteem was more affected by my depression and bad anxiety. I had to work in high school to help pay rent so that my younger sister could have a home to live in while finishing high school. In school I didn't know that people thought I was attractive.
I would say I have average looks but it doesn’t really bother me all too much. I’m aroace so I don’t care about attention from boys and the friend group I hang out with doesn’t really talk about people being attractive or unattractive. So personally I only focus on expressing myself through my appearance fashion-wise but not how “pretty” or “put together” I look.
However, my mom is SO bothered by how I look. She’s always fussed at me for not looking “nice” enough or for not taking care of my appearance as much as she would like. I remember back in middle school, one time I was going to a birthday party with my hair down instead of pulled back. My hair is very thick and with my climate’s humid air, it often gets really poofy and frizzy. My mom basically said “you can’t wear your hair like that. It looks crazy, and I don’t mean that in a good way.” That combined with how she constantly wanted to straighten my hair or how she would tell me it was “crazy” made me think my hair, and by extension myself, was ugly. It wasn’t until I was in high school and found friends who liked how my hair was that I got more confident in it. And now my mom wonders why I don’t like when she comments on my hair or talks about how I need to do xyz with it.
Similarly, she had a whole “talk” with me recently because I don’t want to shave my armpits and she wants me to. She basically told me that I should because it’s socially acceptable and “don’t you want to conform to society?” I genuinely don’t understand how she said that and didn’t realize what she was saying. I personally don’t really care about conforming to what society says about body hair, but she’s always hounding me about if I shaved or not. She basically said “but people will give you weird looks! Why would you want to be the center of attention like that?” to which I basically said “it’s not my problem if someone looks at me funny because of body hair.” Also during this conversation she basically implied that I would look better with makeup on and didn’t get why I didn’t want to wear it. And I understand that she wouldn’t get why I don’t want to wear makeup (because she can’t read minds) but I don’t understand how she thinks it’s ok to tell her kid that “oh if you just conformed to beauty standards you’d look so much better!” Like wtf??? I’m not even bad looking. I think I look fine and have no major issues regarding my appearance. It’s HER that’s just been incredibly bothered by how I look since I was a child and most of my problems lie with her constantly hounding me for not meeting her standards.
just to add on, (I’m still in school and this is really just me processing so it’s a long one btw) I was with a really good guy about a year back and he was actually my first boyfriend. He was a great guy, but not a very good boyfriend. He really tried to be, and I was his first relationship too, so we’re not gonna dog on him too much. But, he never kissed me. Since I was the one planning most of our dates, and my low self confidence due to my weight, I couldn’t believe that the guy I liked genuinely liked me back. I had a great time, so I wasn’t going to lose this opportunity, but I couldn’t bring myself to be the one to kiss him too. But after a while, he still hadn’t, and I broke up with him. At the time idk, I thought I fell out of love or something, but I think I knew that thats all I saw him as, an opportunity.
The idea that I am supposed to start dating in highschool and do other things I may not be ready for or want before college has been shoved down my throat for longer than I could possibly communicate. And sure, this boy made me feel confident in myself, that yeah I’m not too ugly or too average to find a guy who wants me. But after a while this confidence turned into this almost codependence bc I genuinely forgot how to be anything other than what was best for him. I became so obsessed with being this perfect girlfriend, but not even cause i liked him that much, but because I wanted that stamp of approval. A letter of rec to anyone else I date in the future.
Yeah I liked this guy, but I didn’t actually know what I wanted, and I didn’t trust him to help me figure that out because my naivety ultimately benefited him.
Quinta Brunson is so beautiful!
I don't know... I was always considered cute, but I didn't grow up in a protected bubble..same as most women in this world. From as early as six, I received uncomfortable attention from older men across all demographics-so I couldn't just use the cliché and problematic 'it's them' approach. Being average always seemed like a safer place to be. I dressed and acted in a way not to draw attention. It was freedom to be myself with less eyes on me. Cute/pretty meant I was constantly on alert, ready to defend myself or trying to read others(are they okay/nah?). At the time, I learned that attention isn't always good or loving, even if it's laced with flattery.
Even though it was tough, I coped by using humor to diffuse situations(if you were a bully? You laughed and became an acquaintance because a. you liked me or b. I gained allies. Stranger Danger? You got distracted enough, and I'm somewhere else.) and by embracing my quirky side and standing up for myself. I didn't get therapy, but I've matured to the point where I understand the world for what it is. I control what I can and try to curate my life and the type of people who come into my life. Now, because of my experiences, I don't get jealous of pretty, younger women who receive attention or favoritism because I don't know what hell they might have faced. If they had a happy and easy life, I'm happy for them and hope they have a backbone and the resources to protect themselves for continued good life experiences. For now, I focus on myself and my happiness, sticking with people who treat me right.
I really have to give props to my family. Growing up, I was never in doubt that I was loved inside and out. I was very lucky in many ways. I'm in my 40's now, and I don't compare myself to others, but it still sometimes throws me Im not 20 anymore when I look in the mirror or at photos.
This is so relatable. I feel like my (lack of) self-esteem and mental health issues (I have body dysmorphia) is 100% tied to how I look. I know that realistically, that's not true - I know a girl who literally looks like a VS model and still struggled with anxiety/depression/body image issues...but its still hard not to be jealous, especially when people talk about 'pretty privilege'.
Also unrelated, but your eyeshadow looks amazing here!
I’ve always been conventionally attractive but my race, height, adhd, gender identity and just general low confidence and lack of attention from my crushes made me think I was ugly all the way until I started college. Once I knew I was hot it was still hard to feel confident in my personality while being neurodivergent. Luckily I have been able to grow out of all this but through A LOT of trial and error finding my confidence.
I started to think of myself as beautiful when i started to look at the people i do look alike. Like my mom, dad, sister and other family’s members. I think they are such incredibly beautiful people, so how can i not also be beautiful. I still have moments where i just see my flaws, but that mindset of finding the parts that are truly beautiful helps me alot
From my own experiences, yes being pretty/attractive, has definitely made my life easier in ways that I've nearly grown a sense of pronoia. Yet. It's taken me nearly 3 decades to love my brown Mexican skin since I used to be so jealous of white girls, now, I stand out in group pictures with my chick friends and I'm easily seen. I've grown to love my brown skin and I hate getting whiter in the winter. Being Brown and Pretty is something that makes me stand out and used to hate it, I'm 6ft2 barefoot, so that makes me stand out even more. I used to have paranoia because wherever I went wherever room I walked into, all eyes were on me immediately.... Now I'm actually happy I'm not average and I won't apologize for my privilege because being naturally pretty isn't a talent or skill.
I find it hard to think about this stuff. I have tried in the past to improve the way i feel about myself. But I've had my self-esteem shattered so often when I thought I was safe with someone that I can't bring myself to work on it any further. I feel like feeling good about myself is a really unsafe place to be in. Someone can rip it away from me at any time and send me into a spiral. I try not to think about it as much as possible. But it's hard when you worry all the time that you have nothing worth giving in a relationship and worry a lot about keeping someone interested when there are so many more people out there with far more to offer than me.
From my experience the worst things that were said to me I was too dark and ugly or I was pretty for a black girl throughout my life. That’s not a compliment. They were basically saying black girls (girls who are my family and loved ones and a part of my community) are ugly and I was barely the exception. I hated hearing things like that growing up especially from the men in my life. Now that I’m older I do love myself more and I don’t compare myself to others. I simply don’t care enough to try 🐦🔥
I've always grown up average. But today someone in my theatre group that i've never talked to walked up to me and said "you're so pretty", and this warmed my heart. Give everyone compliments! As a guy, we rarely get them, and this made my whole month! :)
0:51 u don’t have to be physically Beautiful to be beautiful you can have a beautiful soul/personality and I find that more important
Body neutrality is something that helped me in my bloating phases now that I found out my allergies that caused me to bloat everyday before. Also, as soon as I saw the first few minutes of this video, I was immediately reminded of my teenage years of using whitening lotions and brightening creams for my face cus even as an Asian, being lighter meant more beautiful back in the day. Right now, I just have a bunch of tattoos that are very personal to me, but also, make me feel more like me.
Glad i was able to participate in the survey for this one! This topic is very close to home
During most of my childhood as a girl I felt especially plagued by dysphoria. I always felt 'too masculine' for a girl with my broad shoulders, big nose, small hips, being tall and having a flat body. I never felt comfortable being part of the girls because I felt like a disgrace for calling myself one when I was so ugly and manly.
So little 12 yo me thought in order to be more confident, instead of looking like a man, I just had to "become" a man instead so it was okay for me to look like this. I thought I was trans for a good 3 years of my life, chopped my hair off, wore baggy clothes, never dressed feminine.
And tbh people ate it up. Strangers genuinely thought I was a guy and would treat me that way, for the first time in my life I had people crush on me and I wasn't so invisible anymore. But deep down it drove me to almost insanity, having to hide my feminine side because I thought only pretty girls with small features and curves deserved to identify that way. Took me some time to bring myself back to reality and embrace my not so girly features while still being born a girl. It genuinely messes with your head when you can't fit in with the standards and expectations. I'm not claiming other trans ppl are like that, but that was just my experience and I hope to be seen and heard for it just as much.
Not to mention that being autistic also played a part in it, so I never really felt like a part of 'girlhood' and I still don't, but that's okay because I can still be feminine and girly without necessarily identifying with it. I generally feel disconnected from all that 'gender' stuff so I don't associate myself with it anymore, it caused too much unnecessary trauma for me.
I hope we as a society can stop putting expectations on ppl when being born with a certain set of genials. My biology doesn't care that I'm a girl, it won't give me small, dainty, cute features just because I am born as one, and I hope we can stop telling ppl certain features are only allowed in certain genders, it's ridiculous and just plain wrong. thank you.