I was taught (maybe like many) to sacrifice myself. I had to learn that there are limits to how much I should give. And understand how to communicate needs and limitations I have to set healthy boundaries.
That comment sounds like blame. You know nothing about me or my daughter or our circumstances. Blame does not belong on a site to educate & assist healing. There needs to be safety in dialogue not judgement.
Beware of the covert narcissist. Quiet, shy, reserved at first. Mirrors your opinions, hobbies, interests. Meek and mild. Empaths will feel nurturing towards them, before eventually realising (after months or years) that their partner/friend/family member is emotionally manipulative. They abuse by withholding. The silence is deafening. But you will feel in your gut that something is off about them. The way they study you, their stare, their lack of affect/reaction to things that most people would find amazing or beautiful, or conversely be disturbed by. Covert narcissists will consume your goodness and absorb all of the self esteem you thought they were desperately lacking! It's a lie. These people are smug, nasty, negative and very toxic. Run, don't walk . And never look back. The damage is so difficult to recover from. Love to all fellow survivors and thank you for the great video.
THIS!!!!! Every single word resonates! Coverts are the absolute worst. With overts, you at least know you're dealing with a venomous snake. Coverts are so sneaky and proceed with such stealth, it takes years for you to figure out that the real monster wasn't under your bed. The real monster was the one you were sleeping next to/having lunches and dinners with/confiding into about your heartaches.
I am going through this right now! My husband and i were at a family wedding.People who I don’t know and many that I do know were being very cold towards me when I tried to make conversation they would shut me down others would just give me an evil look. At first I questioned myself saying inwardly is this really happening. I spoke to my husband who confirmed it was true. My Step daughter was acting out of character being overly friendly bordering on excitement. This made me wonder what she had been up to? Something happened (I would rather not say what) to humiliate me in front of everyone in the room. It was then that my husband stood up and said game over we are leaving. My husband found out from a friend that his own daughter my stepdaughter had spread vicious lies about me along with some of my husbands sisters. I am heart broken I am torn between still loving her and trying to forgive her. My husband is determined to keep her out of our lives I know he is right. I just wish I didn’t still love her.
Being idealised is what makes the discard so incredibly difficult to deal with. It’s like they flick a switch and go from adoring you to despising you.
They'll discard you, for the time being, give you condescending looks, make you feel like you're trash but despite it all, they'll save you for the rainy days when they might fall short of narcissistic supply. Narcissists don't just hoard material possessions, they hoard people too.
Excellent point. There's so many awesome people I miss out on working with because of narcissists there always splitting people up and there always around when I have money or a job offer that's higher then what I expected. But when I'm out of it there gone. I think at this point im about to change my approach. If they want me to be great then they should be greater. So the other day I turned down a higher offer so my other co worker could have it. I can't bare the thought of my loved ones so far behind and I decided I need to play catch up.
@@princessannabelle4524 Your best bet is to surround yourself with non-narcs and avoid fake friendships and fake relationships ... the emotional anguish that one has to endure by being and/or working with a narc is going to drain your energy ... so, it's mostly not worth it. The hell with narcs!
My ex did that to me after he broke up with me I ran into him around that time and he look at me with disgust then just a week ago trying to say hello to me in the streets (I ran away lol)
Nitya he does not know it yet but i went through his “Hoarding Box of every single girlfriend card and letter ever written to him” and took all mine out so he will never be able to go and read my stupid i worship you love letters and cards. Next i will go through his computer abs remove every picture that I’m in so he can’t revisit those either. When I’m finally gone, there will be no trace of me left behind.
Narcs have idealistic expectations of others to compensate for their own inadequacies. They are drawn to supplies who fill that void and during lovebombing, they are actually convincing themselves that now their life will be perfect. When reality hits and the novelty wears off and insecurity kicks in, we fall from grace. With Narcs, it’s always in the extremes. The transition from lovebombing to unconditional hate is so quick, it’s devastating.
Devalue and discard....two powerful things that we "empaths" have a very tough time with. We are deep feeling and loyal human beings. We deserve much better. Stay strong tribe!
😭😭😭😭devalue & discarded after I devoted 13 genuine loving years(on my end) the pain& anger is indescribable.. standing firm. Healing and filing papers next month. So so thankful for revelation, because I had no clue narcissist even existed 🤢🤢🤮 vomit worthy to intentionally destroy a soul
@@inspirationalt2143 just learned about this "illness" myself and have DEVOTED 2 decades with 3 beautiful kids... Such a hard pill to swallow that I allowed her to do this to me.
@@jaimhaas5170 🙏geesh it really is a shame. 3 kids as well.. I've been gaining as much knowledge as I can with these type of videos & applying all the knowledge. To be honest I felt at one point I could literally choke the life out of him😵🥴😓😭😭the best revenge is silently walking away & never allowing a human being to treat me in such a way!!!! Breaking the cycle☺️🙏😓
When someone places you on a pedestal, PLEASE RUN. That wonderful feeling is coming from your sense that no one has seen your specialness before, and people have harmed you in the past. Your old pain is blinding you to this person's danger. If you are unable to see/feel your own pain, you will be harmed again by this new person.
First he pedestaled me. Next thing he started flirting excessively with other people in front of me. Pedestaling someone is a way of keeping them away from the truth. It is a fantasy.
My narcissistic ex husband put me on a pedestal and I unknowingly saw it as an expression of his love when I was very young and naive. The fall is like descending into hell itself!
The way one narc explained it---if you fall in love with a narc, then they fall in love with themselves, through you! I think this has something to do with mirroring. But anyhow, narcissists couldn't care less about other people. They just use other people to prop up their shaky egos. They're incredibly unstable and thin-skinned.
This is exactly my thought as I was listening. Are we wrong for putting Dr Ramani on a pedestal? 🤔 Seriously, this priceless content is bringing sanity to my life! I ❤️ @DrRamani and her wisdom.
@@lizmia777 I want to mention that Dr Ramani even said that no one is meant to be on a pedestal, even though she and others are assisting millions of people now! I'm always aware that the narcissism counsellors etc are human beings, who aren't perfect either and make mistakes. I'm in my 60s now and remember when movie stars etc were put on pedestals, yet many of them had unhealthy relationships and/or drank lot, or whatever. In fact, the entertainment industry is full of highly narcissistic people who are doing what they do best, which is acting, but there is a lot of hard work involved as well. 😊
As the "golden child" of a narcissistic parent, I can attest that when you are placed on a pedestal at a young age, you can waste years of your life trying to be "perfect" to get back to that seemingly stable and happy place (even if those things were inherently fleeting and conditional). Great content; thank you for making so many helpful videos!
They also put you on a pedestal so they can control how you should behave. My narcissistic did put me on a pedestal. It was a manipulative technique. He would tell me that I'm so graceful and caring like a mother. So once I began to see the red flags and the inequality in the relationship, whenever I'd call him out on it he would use the same statement to manipulate me - " You're not graceful anymore. I fell in love with a person who was caring, loving and graceful." Hence, getting angry at his abuse and holding him responsible became impossible as he'd turn it on me. Be careful. By pedestelising they are creating unachievable standards for you to treat them and guilt-trip you if you fail to live up to it.
I am very suspicious now of flattery, in a way I never used to be. We also know as co dependents that the narcissist wants to be admired and it can be a manipulation both ways.
This one speaks volumes to me- that feeling of having to live up to this “perfect” idea they have of you.... that constant feeling of being set up to fail.... and ultimately when they realise you are only human, and the insults begin- I can still feel that shame of just being me- urgh! But I’m at the stage where I can see what the relationship was, and knowing that I like being human and flawed
mhairiherriot Amen. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to verbalise about some feelings & am not able to verbally communicate it just like you did. Thank you for saying what I couldn’t. 👍🏼🌸🌷🌼
Traci Dawn Love Love It took me a wee while to see the wood amongst the trees 🤷🏻♀️☺️ and whenever I feel a little wobble- I watch some videos on here to validate my feelings and soldier on!!
Yes, The shame just being me...The feeling of being set up to fail....then the threat...If I fail to do things his way....oh boy....the end of the world for me! 🇨🇦❤️🌈🌎
Suketa Patel I think it would perhaps be the end of the world for them if you manage to see the goodness in yourself You eventually find the strength to get up, dust yourself down and fight harder for happiness 💪
mhairiherriot , yes you are absolutely right. Directing awareness towards happiness inside breaks their ego apart. They always try to find a way to pull us down when they see our happiness and joy! To fight harder for happiness is to see clearer their insane attitudes and thoughts and judgements. By this, we can forgive them for they do not know what they do, what they are. The insane grandiosity they carry is not within their awareness. It sickens me and sometimes it makes me laugh too. I see them as angry children having a tantrum because they did not get their way....My narcissist husband verbally abuses me. I have learned to put boundaries. There was a time when enough was enough...almost divorced him because he felt powerless when I was finally able to speak my truth. Mine does not allow me to see my family due to family drama and events...had nothing to do with me. Their karma, not mine......oh yeah! He hates it when I give him back his baggage. I have no friends.A tumour grew on my spine due to this narcissistic energy, a slow growing tumour of 21 years of marriage had to be removed from my spine in 2016. and I became physically and psychologically sick due to chronic back pain tumour extraction and fibromyalgia that i live with today....all due to the narcissistic energy I was not even aware of for all those years.....I always thought everything was my fault.All I asked for is love.....from everyone....but he and my parents made me feel so unloved. But I have accepted it all with what psychologists call radical acceptance because my children need their father.I threw away the heavy bag of karma off my back and died to my story. It was never my story...it was theirs but I got entangles because I believe in peace. Suffering, like buddha....helped me to wake up to who I am, You are right, we must get back on our feet. To fight is to stay in the heart. Love everyone but with detachment, for they do not know what they do as Christ says. I fight my battles with love...love....he cannot stand that light! That which comes from the heart of Christ cannot be attacked. Stones can be thrown on me, but the light of love protects me. Love with detachment....What is detachment? The understanding that we are all just playing roles to learn who we are....If we let go of the role in the mind, there will be no story. Detachment is allowing them to be who they wish to be.....good or bad....love or fear....but love and peace is who I wish to be. Nobody belongs to us, they too came to this earth to have an experience....with awareness or without. I have learned to finally speak my truth to the narcissist husband, My heart being open and forgiving does not mean that I will continue to be a punching bag for the narcissist and grow another tumour on my spine, Today the narcissist is aware that I am aware of the narcissistic grandiosity......this is the best thing I can do for now. Also, I have learned to shift my awareness to things I love to do....like skateboarding with my kid! And going diving and soon to go surfing when all this Covid thing is over. Who I am inside I have the power to control. Blessings of peace to you my dear! May we all find happiness inside while amongst the narcissist.♥️Thank you for allowing me to share🙏
Ash M The x never cared much either way so I stopped putting in the effort for him and started feeling good about myself instead. Getting any positive acknowledgement or even a compliment from him was a miracle!
You being on a pedestal makes them look good. But as soon as you stop serving them they'll knock you off without warning. Then treat you like a yard dog!
@@michellegomez1300 When they're good to us they're soooo good. And it feels like a normal healthy relationship until..... it's not! And now you're confused... yet again! 🤷🏽♀️
He tells people that I am mean to him. yes gourmet food and hand sewn clothes. that's the kind of meaness I give out. If I am so mean to him WHY WHY doesn't he leave....cause he knows he will be on the street, homeless, begging. I am his energy, his luck, what made him great until he couldn't handle the whores to keep away from our house and business. he shuffles 4 to 5 at a time depending how much he works. of course he works less than what he spends. I am the one he cheaps out with. Whores go first class.
They want you up there to encourage you to say and do things to make him or her feel good. From the beginning it was never about you This was only a moment in time. It's time to move on. Don't reach out to them and as always......hand it over to God ❤
@@lefantomer SORRY YOU'RE BUTTHURT,BUT"RELIGIOUS"PEOPLE PUT JESUS THE CHRIST ON THE CROSS.IT'S A RELATIONSHIP.YOU SHOULD SEEK HIS FACE WHILE TIME ALLOWS.SOON THE SON OF PERDITION WILL ASSUME CONTROL.THEYWILL TRY&MARK YOU SO YOU CANNOT BUY OR SELL WORK OR TRADE.EVERYTHING WRITTEN ABOUT IS COMING TO PASS.....TRUTH.
I was very clearly put on a pedestal by my ex boss. At first I thought she just really liked me and was really enthusiastic and I was like, Wow, I love this manager! Within two months I was pushed off the pedestal, and was scapegoated and bullied by her and the other women in the office who saw the whole entire circus of shenanigans. It was truly awful and the worst work experience I have ever lived through. And this was a part time job at a public library.... I thought it would have been the safest place for me. Narcissists are everywhere!
I was on a pedestal by Ex. Everyone thought he adored me, I thought it was genuine, however his actions never matched his words. This is so confusing as he could be nice but it always had to serve his agenda. It takes a long time to see this. He moved to a new workplace, which is highly selective in recruitment and tells new starters that they are "special". His arrogance went through the roof and he started to devalue me. I knew nothing about narcissism, especially covert so I couldn't relate to his behaviour. Learning about narcissism was the light switch that is helping me to heal. Dr Ramani you are wonderful and thank you for dedicating your time to this subject.
Yes, learning about narcissism has helped me see my sister's covert destruction. I've recently realized she has been plotting my fall for about five years. She was very gradual about it. Lots of gas lighting. She gave me a t-shirt four years ago, a random gift. It has a black sheep on it with the label Black Sheep. I thought it a very odd gift. Now I see it as a clear message announcing her intent to kick me out of my own family. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani, for remembering us on a holiday.
I am the youngest in the family. Everyone was on a pedestal. I had to put everyone's needs before my own. I felt like a slave. I finally left my family of origin. No one should be put on a pedestal!
My dad put my eldest sister on a pedestal... golden child.. I am the black sheep. She decided a lot in my dads place when younger ... Everyone sees her as “great” ...I see her for what she is, does and say.
@@gilmourishgilmourish6205 My half-brother is the golden child! He can't do anything wrong! I am the family scapegoat so I can't do anything right. It's a shame that dysfunctional family systems cause so much pain. I hope you heal from all of your pain.
L Lakes : the last three years I was a lot in contact with my eldest sister but she always says” you know what you should do”..always telling me what to do. When I left the narc guess who I couldn’t rely on? Her! She didn’t want all the drama and she actually never believed me. I had to let go of her too. I don’t feed her any info.. then she calls my eldest brother, who’s happy with the attention..if I am working?? I was so mad that he fell for her trap. I don’t have social media. My dad wanted to buy me a motorcycle when I was 16, she said no. A car .. no. But he bought her a ring worth lots ... I don’t belong in this family.
Thank you so much. I realized now that at the beginning of my relationship I had put him on a pedestal. I had never been with someone so athletic and that got to me. Thanks for opening my eyes! Future topic: Do narcissists really love their kids?
I would love to see more content on how to protect children from narcissistic grandparents. I would also love to learn more about how to talk about narcissism with children.
Set and maintain boundaries with your parents. The grandparents don't have custody of your children do they? If not limit contact particularly unsupervised. If so im not sure i would split and say "grandma is a narcissist" or insult primary caregiver to child as that will confuse and hurt child further. Has to be age appropriate, not sure how old kids are. But if you suspect abuse, neglect, unsafe home for your kids then report them right
KR My son has no contact with his grandmother, as he’s never really known her, and as the bad has always outweighed the good there is no loss there. It still hurts when I think of how things could have been but we are both better off. I made the decision when he was about one year old.
Thanks for your thoughts! We are lucky because we live far away so we rarely see them and we have managed to avoid unsupervised contact under the guise of family time. I am worried about how to address the issue of narcissism with my children because children are especially vulnerable to narcissistic family members.
This is spot on especially where you say that they want to put you on a pedestal for their benefit. I remember when I first started dating my ex-husband, he took a very cute picture of me and then sent it to his brother as to say "haha-look what I got." At the time I found it unsettling but yet a little flattering. But I knew that, eventually in time, the newness would wear off, and I would be on the other side of the discard and, of course, that happened.
Another wonderful video. And so true. When you do fall off of the pedestal, often you don’t even have the right to be human. I remember in two separate relationships, that according to the narcissist I was initially a goddess. But once off of the pedestal, if I even got sick, say with the stomach flu, that was unacceptable. It was beyond just lacking empathy! These narcissists were repelled and repulsed by my very human characteristic of being sick. It was weird and a huge red flag that even I saw!
It’s exhausting trying to understand the mind of a narcissist! Imagine an alcoholic one! He puts himself on a pedestal during the day and falls off when he drinks, at night. Then he wants you to put him back up there, in the highest shelf to feel good. I’m glad I’ve left a few weeks ago and got a lawyer to deal with the divorce. Thank you for your videos and crowdcast session with you was amazing and very informative!
Erika A am married to an alcoholic narcissist. It’s draining. We are separated and have been for a while but he’s already told me he’s filing for a divorce and I have kinda made my peace with it now cause he constantly did the pull push , but I am unable to get over the infidelity and I did break when I was alone but always put up a front like it’s ok It don’t matter no more to me. He’s a mean obnoxious vile vindictive person so I am being the boring person whenever he calls so the process is easy to get out .
Sançia Anderson mine cheated on me and wanted counselling. He would just be charming in therapy and make me feel that I am the crazy one. Let’s stay strong! 💪
to fall on that pedestal will cause you an excruciating pain. and yes, i find the whole love bombing weird but unfortunately, i was sucked into that toxic relationship. thank you Dr. Ramani for making all of these videos, it's so helpful to my recovery.
My loyalty to her became the best tool for her to exploit me with. When I married it was a genuine VOW. Having kids was only under that VOW. Now she changes the rules and says to me "a vow is just words"....I wonder how many others have this same "game changer" thrown at them.
In the beginning, we are their priced trophies. But when the trophy eventually starts to chip, they toss us away! And we are left confused, devastated and exhausted:(
Whenever I have someone get sooo enthusiastic about me on first meeting and they are trying to set up a date, I feel soo uncomfortable. It all feels over the top, and not connected to any truth about who I am. It seems like they are making a big songand dance out of what I thought was going to be simple, relaxed catch up. I usually bail at that point because I feel exhausted just having to think about all their drama. I kind of thought that I was the problem with my lack of energy to cope with the barrage of another human being, but ....maybe it's them not me?
I was most of the time the scapegoat in the family, but sometimes put on the pedestal for the punishment of the golden children, when they tried to rebel, to discipline them. When they abandoned the attempt for standing for themselves all went back to "normal".
He did exactly that every time we got back together. For a few weeks to months I was told how absolutely beautiful and amazing I am until he didnt get what he wanted. Then came the devaluation and anger. But I recognize I put him on one too because of how amazing he could when he wanted to be. No more though.
I definitely remember a time where I put my ex narcissist up on a pedestal. Looking back on it, I think it's because I was too embarrassed to be honest with everyone (and to myself) what a jerk he was being. If I put him in a very good light, then somehow I didn't look like a person who made a bad decision in choosing to be with someone who treated me so poorly. I did a lot of faking It on Facebook, like everything was fine, when clearly it was not. 😔
Yep, I didn't even realize I was on a pedestal. He just love bombed me and always made me feel like I was perfect. And yes I am younger by 12 yrs and at times I felt how he hated that I had my life together and he didn't. Last time we spoke, he said... I just have commitment fears. I'm glad I have walked away.
@@gapereraoficial no one knows this for sure, so many theories. Her father had full blown disorder from my research & living with him for years. I barely got out alive because of violent rages that started after she was born. I managed to get out when she was 2. This was early 70s, no info about anything at that time. My mother was narcissistic ,also my sister & brother. It runs through the family.
Wow! This video perfectly describes my experience with my ex-wife. I alway thought of myself as a strong and confident man but after 10 years of marriage to this narcissist, I was left totally deflated and exhausted. I've recovered and remarried but even after 30 years, I still have nightmares about that emotionally abusive relationship, My only regret is that I lost the relationship of two children that she used as revenge.
Thinking back to events and his behavior and comments . . . Hey, I got a good one in!!! After a week of enduring a couple of his subtle "digs" (devaluation), my heart was growing colder. To my credit I blurted out one day "YOU ARE LOOSING YOUR BEAUTY!!" the worst swipe for a narc. He silently stood up and walked out. I didn't miss him much at that point, because he had, in fact, lost much of his appeal for me. Proud of myself.
cheralyse Good for you for speaking your truth✌️ that’s takes courage 😊 Ironic how we devalue them when they devalue us. They devalue us for being flawed humans and we devalue them as a result of being mistreated, demeaned and dehumanized.
I would say it's safe to say they don't change, they only get old...most likely alone. We mature as we get old, they don't mature, that is part of the narcissist trait.
Fall of the pedestal? Guys! Please, I know all those narc survivors out there, we have fallen off those pedestal. But,let's not just fall and lie there, let's get up, but not back to these empty devils.Let's wake up at a different place,for a different deserving person.No falling guys!
Pedestal idealism is absolutely a grandiose perspective! It allows you to put all this positive energy into a false ideal of what YOU want that human to appear to be. It’s all to keep from putting in the real work of taking care of self. Learned the hard way. It’s so much healthier to take a step back, and start to put that love into self so that you can see people clearly. They are flawed, just like you, not a perfect human than can save you from you.
As a kid I tried very hard to constantly achieve things. My parents seemed pleased but my brothers were resentful. At times when I failed in some way I was punished and humiliated. As an adult I realize that I was most valued when I made the family look good, by getting good grades or getting in the newspaper for some achievement. Sometimes I wonder if I was nothing more than a report card, or a resume.
So clearly explained! I have been on the pedestal as the most wonderful woman, all he had asked for in his prayers, coming directly from heaven to make his life perfect...and no long after the change, the coldness, the secrets...and then so abruptly the discard. Of course, he played the victim and never even held himself accountable for it, it had been all my fault. He treated me like, suddenly, I was his enemy, a threat! This really messes with your mind! How can you fall from being the woman someone has waited for all of his life to being an enemy????!!!! I kept asking to myself (and to him) this very question and couldn’t find or receive any answer, until I watched your videos. It is a shocking behavior and it is really sick. It hurts me to think that this person is so twisted, but I am starting to understand that all of it has nothing to do with me, I am starting to understand that I don’t have to take it personally. It is sadly a mental illness. This is also difficult to accept for me, but it is so clear now and there’s nothing we can do about it. So shocking as you explained dr Ramani, the fall it’s terrible and so unexpected!
So true! I had a narc friend who would always invite me to parties and then act like I was invisible as soon as we got there-wouldn’t even look at me or acknowledge my existence the whole night. After I’d leave, I get a text like, “where’d ya go?” 🙄 I found it so confusing until I realized she was only inviting me because she felt it was the “right thing to do”- it made her look like a good friend to her other friends. Too bad she wasn’t interested in actually BEING a good friend.
Dr. Ramani, it's uncanny how you described my entire narcissistic cult family! Everyone in community marvels at how wonderful they are. Thank you for your spot-on descriptors. I feel affirmed.
A narc knocked me off the pedestal suddenly after a dispute over our different worldviews. I was surprised but happy because I had began regretting getting involved with her a year previously but I didn't want to be rude. She wasn't concerned about being rude!
Exactly as you describe it Dr. Ramani. They put you there and that triggers very deep insecurities in them, they then devalue you later when they realize you are human as anyone else. All your videos are so validating of the feelings and situations we experience in these toxic relationships. In the end you are right, nobody should be put on a pedestal, we are human and nobody is perfect, we all have flaws, it is better to get the time of getting to know the person. We also make the mistake of putting them on a pedestal, and feeling very confused once the devaluing and the abuse starts. So, after watching almost all your videos, I can say you are one the best in the field of narcissism. Thank you for the work you do, the hope, the help, the knowledge💖
One sure and fast way to get down from the pedestal which the narc has put us on is setting boundaries! The minute we set boundaries the narcissist pulls us down the pedestal in a heart beat!
Your stuff on cluster b I saw on medcircle is the absolute best and most concise content I've encountered to this day. Something about you in general is comforting, but the way you explain things is next level.
I just wanted to thank you and all of the professionals for the coaching. A colleague of mine was dealing with a narcissist and I was able to help him through your guidance to a positive outcome, which is the narcissist will probably be packing his bags up and leaving for good. I was able to guide my colleague and explain to him not to defend himself in a confrontation while they were all in their group meeting and the narc was using his pedestal to exert power he did not possess, and he exposed himself and his lies and deceit he had for the group and their church, so he is bye bye! and my colleague feels much relief now. The toxic cloud is dispersing.
I have had the very uncomfortable experience of being put on a pedestal by a narcissist, first in my original family, and then in a recent relationship. The thing I didn't experience was the 'devaluing' and 'discard' from them. Instead, I always had the feeling of being clutched at, idealized, and seen through their own projections more than seen for me. In both situations I used my position of privilege to challenge them when their behaviors hurt others, knowing that I could say things to them that maybe others couldn't. But the others around me resented the favoritism that was shown me, and couldn't see that I was suffering in this unwanted position of getting 'special treatment'. Even though I have now gone no-contact with both narcs, I have the feeling that both would welcome me back in a heartbeat if I decided to return (which I won't). Instead I've chosen to do the very hard work of building a better relationship with my non-narc parent, who countered the narc's 'fawning over' me with (at times) critical contempt. It seems as though I am still paying the price of the favoritism that was put on me as a child, something I never wanted at all; it is no favor to be made a 'favorite'! I'm just wondering why I was never 'discarded', as this would have made my 'journey' so much easier!
Could you do a video on how does a person cope with all they have lost, including time, but significant losses, including your faith in people generally.
I had to learn how to forgive myself for being a dummy and forgive them and let them go. Just hold on to the lessons you have learned and let the rest go. I ask the universe or God to take it from me. Keep busy giving yourself joy and the tears get less over time. Love and light brave warrior. X
Dr Ramani till recently was suffering from narcissist abuse and was just able to understand the pattern and come out of the relationship and trying to be myself since 3 months. All this enlightenment was given by you and your videos made me to think and compare my relation and concluded that this will not be okay at all and took a call to come out of it and trying my best to be out of it
I have been married to a narcissist for 28 years. Now he is home all of the time because of the coronavirus. It's so hard to not be constantly sad right now.
This is the time to make a plan. Get online therapy if you can, and learn from Dr. Ramani how to build your self-esteem and awareness. Be very careful about what you say so that you don't place yourself in harm's way.
Dr. Ramani you were so on point with this video. The narcissist I was with 8 years ago use to put me on a pedestal and I didn't like it. And it's true I thought he was the one I've been looking for my whole life. Then "Bam" 💥!! He creap up behind me pull the rug from right underneath me and I fell flat on my face. He humiliated me and did all those things you said they do. I wish I knew 15 years ago about these type of individuals😩. I couldn't save myself a whole lot of heart ache. 💔 And now when I look back I knew it wasn't me I am a person who cares and have empathy for ppl. 😊 Thank you Dr. Ramani for incite 🌹
My grandpa was put on a pedestal by everyone in the family and in the comunity, he was a saint, brilliant, etc and he treated intermitently all of the family like shit, but we " had to forgive him and his abuses because he is brilliant and succesful" all of my uncles, my aunt and my dad grew up learning that you can get away with wathever if you are inteligent or recognized and never were able to recognize their own pain of having a abusive parent 😥
What a fantastic explanations of what goes in their mind and emotions when they put us up and down the pedestal. "We both need to feel equal and comfortable for healthy relationships" Not taking trash out and not getting down the pedestal is similar with a relative of mine whose wife put him pedestal 14 years ago and he is still sitting up there.
My ex kept feeling like he wasn’t enough and that he’d have to do something for me always like complimenting me or buying me gifts, pampering me in ways I hadn’t asked for to begin with. I just wanted to be treated as normal human being with my own imperfections. He’d lift me high up and bring me back down without a moment for me to think or figure out what’s happening... I finally see it all. I’m happy.
When I was descarded by my husband, I told him I thought I married The best... he told me: well , you shouldnt have put me on a pedestal... It is your fault🤷♀️
I did it too....and I think it was my fault. We give them the love and honour we should be giving to ourselves. I spent many days crying over men who I had loved too much. It dawned on me.. I must change my behaviour and put up barriers myself as protection. As an empath and healer I just fell for it again. But I recognise the misplaced love to him should have gone to myself and my family. At least I didnt waste years this time. Just a few months. But just shows how you need to protect yourself if you love too much. I had to forgive myself all over again.. but now I know how to....it was much easier. Love and light my friends. ❤👍⚖🌻
I used to put up mine on a pedestal to try and build his self esteem, always self deprecating and I tried to show him his good side. As a 'friend' I've been to him and yesterday he dug into me, devaluing me and my feelings, and I listened to your videos this morning that enablers say, he loves me but push me away because he is not yet free, he has been so divorced since 2016. I got away easy because he frightened me yesterday with his vicious insults. I was fighting for us and he was fighting for himself, breaking confidentiality things we shared and want to have a 'daddy" figure. The problem is, gaslighting- happens in religious organisations and now I'm free. Suffering and waiting for something good isn't right as your video said so I thank you.
Thank you for talking about how we put the narcissist up on a pedestal. They seem like they are all powerful and almost super human. At first. But reality always has a way of showing you everyone is only human.
April TEE-ZEE that’s bad... in my case, him and I kept going on this loop. He chased me first, made Me chase for him later and when I gave up, he kept chasing me but with others (including mutual acquaintances) he portrayed as though he was being abused... it was so emotionally draining.
Smriti Pokharel yep I know. They smear us the entire time and don’t realize it until it’s over and everyone sides with them. Honestly I just don’t care. I know the truth. It will hurt though hearing what they will come up with about me. Lol. Good luck to you hun.
April TEE-ZEE thank you, and I like your attitude about it. Let us not be bothered by what they say about us. We know our truth and we know what happened more than anyone else. ❤️sending lots of love, light and warmth to heal from all of this... we will come out stronger for sure. ✌️
Thank you, Dr Ramani. After months and months of dealing with this emotional rollercoaster of a relationship with my boyfriend, and watching your videos, I now realize he’s a covert passive aggressive narcissist, and everything you say hits home. I was this strong, confident, independent woman, and since our MULITIPLE breakups and getting back together, I have seen a change in my self esteem. I have anxiety talking with him, there have been tons of tears, confusion, feeling lost in our conversation where I feel I need to record our convos. Everything you say just brings so much truth and I need to just finally break away from him; I realize I am so much happier when we are not speaking with one another..hopefully I can find the courage to finally break away.
If you ever experience an urge to place someone up on a "pedestal" , try this : just simply visualize them taking a big nasty dump while sitting on this toilet . Problem solved....
That’s funny. My ex wouldn’t stop farting all the time snd had to announce it before she told me every single time. I finally brought it up that she didn’t need to do that and she held that against me and became bitter.
my narcissistic family member believes they are on a pedestal, it is painfully obvious they are miserable up there... good luck with that! I feel safer grounded down here in reality. Everyone else enjoys their space too.
❤️😂❤️ What I would like a video on is, what it feels like for us when we go no contact, and what we can expect as side effects/withdrawal from the narc? I have had a couple of months no contact and have had a lot of physical symptoms as well, is that normal ? Thank you so much for all your videos! You are an Angel to me!❤️❤️❤️
I can't put myself to speak with friends I worked with for fear of anything getting back to my old boss. He promised so much in return for my leadership and contribution in bringing his company from being 3 months in arrears on orders to current 2.5 months over a period. 5.5 months production in 2.5 months. I walked after he devalued me. Even now 2 years later I haven't contacted any of my friends. Angry, stressed and had a major health issue ongoing for the last 10 months. Not out of the woods yet. There are residual energies from dealing with toxic people if you could call them that.
@@kolpoiy1183 I've done it for almost 2 years now. It's really hard and I found I was actually becoming anti- social because it's difficult to discuss why you haven't seen your out of town family. I can't rave about being a grandmother anymore. I was technically a step- grandparent but I treated those children as if they were blood related! But when your emotional and physical being is threatened, you need to self care no matter what the cost! My boundaries were always ignored. I'm 63 and want to live in peace. Her father, my husband, is basically no contact with her too. You can't have a normal relationship.... period!
lori schwartz you really cannot. I found that I’m repeating myself, communicating basic things over and over again? He likes to make me angry on purpose. The list never ends. I am also unfortunately codependent bc of abandonment (daddy issues) and it’s an never ending cycle. I’m 26 and he’s 35. ALOT of times I thought I was acting like the older one. Anyway we deserve much better and I’m so happy you’ve done it for 2 years!:)) that’s still progress.
Seeker Being oh ouch! Yes I know that one. I ended up with C-PTSD after my marriage with significant physical symptoms. I found the modules on www.melanietoniaevans.com very good for dealing with the symptoms, and found her explanations very enlightening, especially on the ‘withdrawal’ symptoms. I have also found Pete Walker’s books on C-PTSD and The Tao of Fully Feeling very useful. Take care, be very gentle and loving with yourself. Healing is one day at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time, but just keep going and start trusting yourself and your worth and you will absolutely get there. ❤️
Most narcissists I've met among friends and relatives, and my two ex relationships had already placed themselves high upon a pedestal, so as to be more able to look down at me, as being beneath them. It's been that way for nearly 54 years. On the other hand, I am very suspicious by virtue of things that have happened in my life, so much so I wouldn't allow anyone to place me on a pedestal. In my experience, the same one who will put you on a pedestal, will also dig your grave, if it suits their needs best.
Oh Lord I crashed and burned behind this dude like an idiot for 8 years after falling off his ridiculous petal stool. I feel dumb and mentally twisted. But I'm trying. 😄
Me too. So hard to forgive myself for hurting my son, I've always been in narcissist situations... I went to psychiatrists, no one got it until I was 50! Then I started researching after falling so hard and so disturbingly not me... I broke in a bad way....I'm SOoo Grateful for people like Dr. Ramani who were able to dissect this very very complicated mind twisting disorder and make sense out of it... it has ruined my life, and I don't want to live with the anguish anymore... I will do my best to help those who find themselves in this hell too. ❤
This phenomenon is not confined to romantic relationships. Frustrated, I eventually asked my father whether my mother had ever loved me. He said, "Yes, until you developed a mind of your own." Thus, after age 3, ground level became the pedestal, and silence or rages became the yawning pit.
I love this video! Sometimes actually all the time narcissist put themselves on a pedestal. I wonder if they know they aren't as great as they think? 🤔 Does anyone know this answer? It's so pathetic.
Really great episode. Just got pushed off of a very public pedestal & it really, really hurts. Thx so much again for your wisdom & knowledge & the giving of your time to teach us & help me learn. So grateful🌹🌼🌸🌷❤️
I would enjoy a follow up video to this one; suggestions on how to get yourself down from that pedestal and how to spot this early on before you know if someone is a narc or not. Also, what it should look like in a healthy relationship; how that valuing and validation should look when it’s not coming from a narc.
I have experiences being put on a pedestal by narcs, and from my experience, I can say that it's always done on their own terms like praising you about qualities that they have or want themselves (they think if they praise those qualities in someone else, people will put them in high regard for having the same praiseworthy qualities or being close to someone with those enviable qualities) i.e. a type of projection. They make you out to be perfect because that's how they want to be seen. However, they never admire the qualities you care about and are working hard to improve on. If they don't benefit the narcissist, the narcissist will be totally disinterested. In a healthy relationship, you'd respect what the other person cares about by showing interest in how they feel and supporting them with genuine feedback.
Your videos are incredibly helpful and insightful. At first they were difficult for me to watch because I would get so triggered by the information your share but little by little I have been able to watch them and I continue to understand myself and the narcissistic parents who raised me. This video was so spot on! Thank you Dr. Ramani. Please continue the work you do. You are helping so many, including myself.
Once someone said: when somebody puts you on an altar it's not to adore you but to sacrifice you.
Omg 😲!! That's how I'm FEELING... like a Living sacrifice... & people that don't know me Only Believe what he says about me.. It's pathetic..
I was taught (maybe like many) to sacrifice myself. I had to learn that there are limits to how much I should give. And understand how to communicate needs and limitations I have to set healthy boundaries.
you are so correct x
That’s an amazing comment!!!! And accurate!!
That comment sounds like blame. You know nothing about me or my daughter or our circumstances. Blame does not belong on a site to educate & assist healing. There needs to be safety in dialogue not judgement.
Beware of the covert narcissist. Quiet, shy, reserved at first. Mirrors your opinions, hobbies, interests. Meek and mild. Empaths will feel nurturing towards them, before eventually realising (after months or years) that their partner/friend/family member is emotionally manipulative. They abuse by withholding. The silence is deafening. But you will feel in your gut that something is off about them. The way they study you, their stare, their lack of affect/reaction to things that most people would find amazing or beautiful, or conversely be disturbed by. Covert narcissists will consume your goodness and absorb all of the self esteem you thought they were desperately lacking! It's a lie. These people are smug, nasty, negative and very toxic. Run, don't walk
. And never look back. The damage is so difficult to recover from. Love to all fellow survivors and thank you for the great video.
Thanks for describing it so well
Your words are so true! Same here. God bless and keep you!
THIS!!!!! Every single word resonates! Coverts are the absolute worst. With overts, you at least know you're dealing with a venomous snake. Coverts are so sneaky and proceed with such stealth, it takes years for you to figure out that the real monster wasn't under your bed. The real monster was the one you were sleeping next to/having lunches and dinners with/confiding into about your heartaches.
@@Nitya-r86 yep! The silence is deafening! Deny our very divine nature and existence! God bless you!
Perfectly put. We must do the opposite of The Bomb Disposal Squad...
Run, DON'T Walk...! 😳👊🏼🏃🏼♂️
“Too good to be true” ; when you get that feeling, RUN
I'm currently doin that
I wish I knew this before. Thanks for the reminder!
I should hear this in my heart 9years ago
RUN
"Big tall red flag" 🚩💯
In my case they become distant with no explanation so they can sit back and watch you struggle trying to figure out what's going on.
Same here. It’s so confusing
I am going through this right now! My husband and i were at a family wedding.People who I don’t know and many that I do know were being very cold towards me when I tried to make conversation they would shut me down others would just give me an evil look. At first I questioned myself saying inwardly is this really happening. I spoke to my husband who confirmed it was true. My Step daughter was acting out of character being overly friendly bordering on excitement. This made me wonder what she had been up to? Something happened (I would rather not say what) to humiliate me in front of everyone in the room. It was then that my husband stood up and said game over we are leaving. My husband found out from a friend that his own daughter my stepdaughter had spread vicious lies about me along with some of my husbands sisters. I am heart broken I am torn between still loving her and trying to forgive her. My husband is determined to keep her out of our lives I know he is right. I just wish I didn’t still love her.
I agree that's what my narc has done/did
YEa. It is almost like they are all playing from the same kind of playbook.
Same
Being idealised is what makes the discard so incredibly difficult to deal with. It’s like they flick a switch and go from adoring you to despising you.
They'll discard you, for the time being, give you condescending looks, make you feel like you're trash but despite it all, they'll save you for the rainy days when they might fall short of narcissistic supply. Narcissists don't just hoard material possessions, they hoard people too.
Excellent point. There's so many awesome people I miss out on working with because of narcissists there always splitting people up and there always around when I have money or a job offer that's higher then what I expected. But when I'm out of it there gone.
I think at this point im about to change my approach. If they want me to be great then they should be greater. So the other day I turned down a higher offer so my other co worker could have it. I can't bare the thought of my loved ones so far behind and I decided I need to play catch up.
@@princessannabelle4524 Your best bet is to surround yourself with non-narcs and avoid fake friendships and fake relationships ... the emotional anguish that one has to endure by being and/or working with a narc is going to drain your energy ... so, it's mostly not worth it. The hell with narcs!
My ex did that to me after he broke up with me I ran into him around that time and he look at me with disgust then just a week ago trying to say hello to me in the streets (I ran away lol)
marina thats the answer i couldnt have said it any better
Nitya he does not know it yet but i went through his “Hoarding Box of every single girlfriend card and letter ever written to him” and took all mine out so he will never be able to go and read my stupid i worship you love letters and cards.
Next i will go through his computer abs remove every picture that I’m in so he can’t revisit those either. When I’m finally gone, there will be no trace of me left behind.
Narcs have idealistic expectations of others to compensate for their own inadequacies. They are drawn to supplies who fill that void and during lovebombing, they are actually convincing themselves that now their life will be perfect. When reality hits and the novelty wears off and insecurity kicks in, we fall from grace. With Narcs, it’s always in the extremes. The transition from lovebombing to unconditional hate is so quick, it’s devastating.
AMEN!!!!
Nelumbo, well said. And rightly so!
Yes. You will never understand it unless you go through it.
So very well condensed in one sound bite, thank you! 😊
You are absolutely right! I wasted my precious time to get shutout and hated.
Devalue and discard....two powerful things that we "empaths" have a very tough time with. We are deep feeling and loyal human beings. We deserve much better. Stay strong tribe!
jaim haas I am having trouble managing my hatred for her.
😭😭😭😭devalue & discarded after I devoted 13 genuine loving years(on my end) the pain& anger is indescribable.. standing firm. Healing and filing papers next month. So so thankful for revelation, because I had no clue narcissist even existed 🤢🤢🤮 vomit worthy to intentionally destroy a soul
Agree!
@@inspirationalt2143 just learned about this "illness" myself and have DEVOTED 2 decades with 3 beautiful kids... Such a hard pill to swallow that I allowed her to do this to me.
@@jaimhaas5170 🙏geesh it really is a shame. 3 kids as well.. I've been gaining as much knowledge as I can with these type of videos & applying all the knowledge. To be honest I felt at one point I could literally choke the life out of him😵🥴😓😭😭the best revenge is silently walking away & never allowing a human being to treat me in such a way!!!! Breaking the cycle☺️🙏😓
When someone places you on a pedestal, PLEASE RUN. That wonderful feeling is coming from your sense that no one has seen your specialness before, and people have harmed you in the past. Your old pain is blinding you to this person's danger. If you are unable to see/feel your own pain, you will be harmed again by this new person.
Omg. This is soo sooooo true.
Thanks for this comment!
First he pedestaled me.
Next thing he started flirting excessively with other people in front of me.
Pedestaling someone is a way of keeping them away from the truth.
It is a fantasy.
The same he did to me ! Inhumane
My narcissistic ex husband put me on a pedestal and I unknowingly saw it as an expression of his love when I was very young and naive. The fall is like descending into hell itself!
True
😭😭😭😭 current
I went through the same situation. 😥
Inspirational T I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I didn’t know it at the time I went through it, but believing in your worth is key.
Ash M I’m sorry you had to go through this.
My ex wife would say how wonderful a husband I was all over social media, but would never tell me.
I have tears in my eyes and I’m feeling a little shaky.... Talk about a eye opener.... I can’t thank you enough for this video. ❤️
The way one narc explained it---if you fall in love with a narc, then they fall in love with themselves, through you! I think this has something to do with mirroring.
But anyhow, narcissists couldn't care less about other people. They just use other people to prop up their shaky egos. They're incredibly unstable and thin-skinned.
Wowwww... So well said. They fall in love with themselves through us.
@@NS-uq9st We're all just ego functions to them. Narcissists' egos don't function properly.
I don't mean to put you on a pedestal or anything, but you're one of my favorite people, have a great day Dr. Ramani ;)
This is exactly my thought as I was listening. Are we wrong for putting Dr Ramani on a pedestal? 🤔
Seriously, this priceless content is bringing sanity to my life! I ❤️ @DrRamani and her wisdom.
😂🤣😂🤣😂
@@lizmia777 I want to mention that Dr Ramani even said that no one is meant to be on a pedestal, even though she and others are assisting millions of people now!
I'm always aware that the narcissism counsellors etc are human beings, who aren't perfect either and make mistakes.
I'm in my 60s now and remember when movie stars etc were put on pedestals, yet many of them had unhealthy relationships and/or drank lot, or whatever. In fact, the entertainment industry is full of highly narcissistic people who are doing what they do best, which is acting, but there is a lot of hard work involved as well. 😊
Just don't do it! Didn't you learned anything when listening to this!!!
As the "golden child" of a narcissistic parent, I can attest that when you are placed on a pedestal at a young age, you can waste years of your life trying to be "perfect" to get back to that seemingly stable and happy place (even if those things were inherently fleeting and conditional). Great content; thank you for making so many helpful videos!
Nope, they were crap and you shouldn't value their opinion anyway!
Yup!
Yes I understand trying to be perfect. Many many years just finding out why now damaged self-esteem yes
They also put you on a pedestal so they can control how you should behave. My narcissistic did put me on a pedestal. It was a manipulative technique. He would tell me that I'm so graceful and caring like a mother. So once I began to see the red flags and the inequality in the relationship, whenever I'd call him out on it he would use the same statement to manipulate me - " You're not graceful anymore. I fell in love with a person who was caring, loving and graceful." Hence, getting angry at his abuse and holding him responsible became impossible as he'd turn it on me. Be careful. By pedestelising they are creating unachievable standards for you to treat them and guilt-trip you if you fail to live up to it.
I am very suspicious now of flattery, in a way I never used to be. We also know as co dependents that the narcissist wants to be admired and it can be a manipulation both ways.
This one speaks volumes to me- that feeling of having to live up to this “perfect” idea they have of you.... that constant feeling of being set up to fail.... and ultimately when they realise you are only human, and the insults begin- I can still feel that shame of just being me- urgh!
But I’m at the stage where I can see what the relationship was, and knowing that I like being human and flawed
mhairiherriot Amen. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to verbalise about some feelings & am not able to verbally communicate it just like you did. Thank you for saying what I couldn’t. 👍🏼🌸🌷🌼
Traci Dawn Love Love
It took me a wee while to see the wood amongst the trees 🤷🏻♀️☺️ and whenever I feel a little wobble- I watch some videos on here to validate my feelings and soldier on!!
Yes, The shame just being me...The feeling of being set up to fail....then the threat...If I fail to do things his way....oh boy....the end of the world for me! 🇨🇦❤️🌈🌎
Suketa Patel
I think it would perhaps be the end of the world for them if you manage to see the goodness in yourself
You eventually find the strength to get up, dust yourself down and fight harder for happiness 💪
mhairiherriot , yes you are absolutely right. Directing awareness towards happiness inside breaks their ego apart. They always try to find a way to pull us down when they see our happiness and joy! To fight harder for happiness is to see clearer their insane attitudes and thoughts and judgements. By this, we can forgive them for they do not know what they do, what they are. The insane grandiosity they carry is not within their awareness. It sickens me and sometimes it makes me laugh too. I see them as angry children having a tantrum because they did not get their way....My narcissist husband verbally abuses me. I have learned to put boundaries. There was a time when enough was enough...almost divorced him because he felt powerless when I was finally able to speak my truth. Mine does not allow me to see my family due to family drama and events...had nothing to do with me. Their karma, not mine......oh yeah! He hates it when I give him back his baggage. I have no friends.A tumour grew on my spine due to this narcissistic energy, a slow growing tumour of 21 years of marriage had to be removed from my spine in 2016. and I became physically and psychologically sick due to chronic back pain tumour extraction and fibromyalgia that i live with today....all due to the narcissistic energy I was not even aware of for all those years.....I always thought everything was my fault.All I asked for is love.....from everyone....but he and my parents made me feel so unloved. But I have accepted it all with what psychologists call radical acceptance because my children need their father.I threw away the heavy bag of karma off my back and died to my story. It was never my story...it was theirs but I got entangles because I believe in peace. Suffering, like buddha....helped me to wake up to who I am, You are right, we must get back on our feet. To fight is to stay in the heart. Love everyone but with detachment, for they do not know what they do as Christ says. I fight my battles with love...love....he cannot stand that light! That which comes from the heart of Christ cannot be attacked. Stones can be thrown on me, but the light of love protects me. Love with detachment....What is detachment? The understanding that we are all just playing roles to learn who we are....If we let go of the role in the mind, there will be no story. Detachment is allowing them to be who they wish to be.....good or bad....love or fear....but love and peace is who I wish to be. Nobody belongs to us, they too came to this earth to have an experience....with awareness or without. I have learned to finally speak my truth to the narcissist husband, My heart being open and forgiving does not mean that I will continue to be a punching bag for the narcissist and grow another tumour on my spine, Today the narcissist is aware that I am aware of the narcissistic grandiosity......this is the best thing I can do for now. Also, I have learned to shift my awareness to things I love to do....like skateboarding with my kid! And going diving and soon to go surfing when all this Covid thing is over. Who I am inside I have the power to control. Blessings of peace to you my dear! May we all find happiness inside while amongst the narcissist.♥️Thank you for allowing me to share🙏
it's so confusing being on a pedestal, it's like you're the best person and the worst person EVER simultaneously to that person :(
Until you're not a person to them.
Just a commodity,a novelty that has weard off.
My narcissist husband always wants me to look my best and at the same time he’ll put me down and criticize my appearance a lot.
Mine's lucky if I get out of my pjs, my neighbours too!
Ash M
The x never cared much either way so I stopped putting in the effort for him and started feeling good about myself instead. Getting any positive acknowledgement or even a compliment from him was a miracle!
You do something to help them and they criticized you for doing it wrong.
H Myers
Ya, damned either way
Yup had that
You being on a pedestal makes them look good. But as soon as you stop serving them they'll knock you off without warning. Then treat you like a yard dog!
Girly Nerds 😂 a yard dog! That’s a good one.. Mine treated me like a sewer rat 😂
It’s not funny, but I find myself laughing at my gullibility ... so happy to have found this Chanel.. we are not stupid.. just a big lesson
@@michellegomez1300 When they're good to us they're soooo good. And it feels like a normal healthy relationship until..... it's not! And now you're confused... yet again! 🤷🏽♀️
He tells people that I am mean to him. yes gourmet food and hand sewn clothes. that's the kind of meaness I give out. If I am so mean to him WHY WHY doesn't he leave....cause he knows he will be on the street, homeless, begging. I am his energy, his luck, what made him great until he couldn't handle the whores to keep away from our house and business. he shuffles 4 to 5 at a time depending how much he works. of course he works less than what he spends. I am the one he cheaps out with. Whores go first class.
They want you up there to encourage you to say and do things to make him or her feel good. From the beginning it was never about you
This was only a moment in time. It's time to move on. Don't reach out to them and as always......hand it over to God ❤
PERFECTLY STATED.THE MOST SAD PART IS TOO MANY PEOPLE LEAVE OUT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART:THE GOD FACTOR.
@@ericking4072 Because God protected you so well from the narc in the first place. But then those of us who are not religious "deserve" what we get.
Dare I say, they "encourage" you to be better than them so as to cover their inadequacies
@@Muhdreza1 Some of them do. Sometimes that's because they want you not to call them on the scummy stuff they are doing because you're "too good"!
@@lefantomer SORRY YOU'RE BUTTHURT,BUT"RELIGIOUS"PEOPLE PUT JESUS THE CHRIST ON THE CROSS.IT'S A RELATIONSHIP.YOU SHOULD SEEK HIS FACE WHILE TIME ALLOWS.SOON THE SON OF PERDITION WILL ASSUME CONTROL.THEYWILL TRY&MARK YOU SO YOU CANNOT BUY OR SELL WORK OR TRADE.EVERYTHING WRITTEN ABOUT IS COMING TO PASS.....TRUTH.
And youve set boundaries but they refuse to understand boundaries. So, sometimes you just cant run away fast or far enough.
I was very clearly put on a pedestal by my ex boss. At first I thought she just really liked me and was really enthusiastic and I was like, Wow, I love this manager! Within two months I was pushed off the pedestal, and was scapegoated and bullied by her and the other women in the office who saw the whole entire circus of shenanigans. It was truly awful and the worst work experience I have ever lived through. And this was a part time job at a public library.... I thought it would have been the safest place for me. Narcissists are everywhere!
I was on a pedestal by Ex. Everyone thought he adored me, I thought it was genuine, however his actions never matched his words. This is so confusing as he could be nice but it always had to serve his agenda. It takes a long time to see this.
He moved to a new workplace, which is highly selective in recruitment and tells new starters that they are "special". His arrogance went through the roof and he started to devalue me. I knew nothing about narcissism, especially covert so I couldn't relate to his behaviour. Learning about narcissism was the light switch that is helping me to heal.
Dr Ramani you are wonderful and thank you for dedicating your time to this subject.
Yes, learning about narcissism has helped me see my sister's covert destruction. I've recently realized she has been plotting my fall for about five years. She was very gradual about it. Lots of gas lighting. She gave me a t-shirt four years ago, a random gift. It has a black sheep on it with the label Black Sheep. I thought it a very odd gift. Now I see it as a clear message announcing her intent to kick me out of my own family. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani, for remembering us on a holiday.
I am the youngest in the family. Everyone was on a pedestal. I had to put everyone's needs before my own. I felt like a slave. I finally left my family of origin. No one should be put on a pedestal!
Good for you. I left my family after my parents died.
@@puregrit8057 Smart move! A healthy relationship is reciprocal. Family doesn't have to be blood related.
My dad put my eldest sister on a pedestal... golden child..
I am the black sheep. She decided a lot in my dads place when younger ...
Everyone sees her as “great” ...I see her for what she is, does and say.
@@gilmourishgilmourish6205 My half-brother is the golden child! He can't do anything wrong! I am the family scapegoat so I can't do anything right. It's a shame that dysfunctional family systems cause so much pain. I hope you heal from all of your pain.
L Lakes : the last three years I was a lot in contact with my eldest sister but she always says” you know what you should do”..always telling me what to do. When I left the narc guess who I couldn’t rely on? Her! She didn’t want all the drama and she actually never believed me. I had to let go of her too. I don’t feed her any info.. then she calls my eldest brother, who’s happy with the attention..if I am working?? I was so mad that he fell for her trap. I don’t have social media.
My dad wanted to buy me a motorcycle when I was 16, she said no. A car .. no. But he bought her a ring worth lots ... I don’t belong in this family.
Listening to your clips on narcissists I just want to say that it validates my feelings so thank you it also brings me clarity moving forward
Thank you so much. I realized now that at the beginning of my relationship I had put him on a pedestal. I had never been with someone so athletic and that got to me. Thanks for opening my eyes!
Future topic: Do narcissists really love their kids?
I would love to see more content on how to protect children from narcissistic grandparents. I would also love to learn more about how to talk about narcissism with children.
KR ditto!!
Omg this.
Set and maintain boundaries with your parents. The grandparents don't have custody of your children do they? If not limit contact particularly unsupervised. If so im not sure i would split and say "grandma is a narcissist" or insult primary caregiver to child as that will confuse and hurt child further. Has to be age appropriate, not sure how old kids are. But if you suspect abuse, neglect, unsafe home for your kids then report them right
KR My son has no contact with his grandmother, as he’s never really known her, and as the bad has always outweighed the good there is no loss there. It still hurts when I think of how things could have been but we are both better off. I made the decision when he was about one year old.
Thanks for your thoughts! We are lucky because we live far away so we rarely see them and we have managed to avoid unsupervised contact under the guise of family time.
I am worried about how to address the issue of narcissism with my children because children are especially vulnerable to narcissistic family members.
This is perfect. I’d never considered that I had placed him on a pedestal, thanks to my low self esteem. Serious insight. Thanks Dr R.
This is spot on especially where you say that they want to put you on a pedestal for their benefit. I remember when I first started dating my ex-husband, he took a very cute picture of me and then sent it to his brother as to say "haha-look what I got." At the time I found it unsettling but yet a little flattering. But I knew that, eventually in time, the newness would wear off, and I would be on the other side of the discard and, of course, that happened.
Another wonderful video. And so true. When you do fall off of the pedestal, often you don’t even have the right to be human. I remember in two separate relationships, that according to the narcissist I was initially a goddess. But once off of the pedestal, if I even got sick, say with the stomach flu, that was unacceptable. It was beyond just lacking empathy! These narcissists were repelled and repulsed by my very human characteristic of being sick. It was weird and a huge red flag that even I saw!
It’s exhausting trying to understand the mind of a narcissist! Imagine an alcoholic one! He puts himself on a pedestal during the day and falls off when he drinks, at night. Then he wants you to put him back up there, in the highest shelf to feel good. I’m glad I’ve left a few weeks ago and got a lawyer to deal with the divorce. Thank you for your videos and crowdcast session with you was amazing and very informative!
Erika A rest now even if you have too sleep ten hours a day, sleep sleep regain your mental balance. 🙏
alcoholic narcissists can destroy an empath
Erika A am married to an alcoholic narcissist. It’s draining. We are separated and have been for a while but he’s already told me he’s filing for a divorce and I have kinda made my peace with it now cause he constantly did the pull push , but I am unable to get over the infidelity and I did break when I was alone but always put up a front like it’s ok It don’t matter no more to me. He’s a mean obnoxious vile vindictive person so I am being the boring person whenever he calls so the process is easy to get out .
Sançia Anderson mine cheated on me and wanted counselling. He would just be charming in therapy and make me feel that I am the crazy one. Let’s stay strong! 💪
Erika A lunatics! Yes let’s stay strong ! We deserve better
to fall on that pedestal will cause you an excruciating pain. and yes, i find the whole love bombing weird but unfortunately, i was sucked into that toxic relationship. thank you Dr. Ramani for making all of these videos, it's so helpful to my recovery.
I would love if you could talk about dissociation/ emotional flashbacks and cptsd with regard to narcissistic abuse
My loyalty to her became the best tool for her to exploit me with. When I married it was a genuine VOW. Having kids was only under that VOW. Now she changes the rules and says to me "a vow is just words"....I wonder how many others have this same "game changer" thrown at them.
In the beginning, we are their priced trophies. But when the trophy eventually starts to chip, they toss us away! And we are left confused, devastated and exhausted:(
Whenever I have someone get sooo enthusiastic about me on first meeting and they are trying to set up a date, I feel soo uncomfortable. It all feels over the top, and not connected to any truth about who I am. It seems like they are making a big songand dance out of what I thought was going to be simple, relaxed catch up. I usually bail at that point because I feel exhausted just having to think about all their drama. I kind of thought that I was the problem with my lack of energy to cope with the barrage of another human being, but ....maybe it's them not me?
I was most of the time the scapegoat in the family, but sometimes put on the pedestal for the punishment of the golden children, when they tried to rebel, to discipline them. When they abandoned the attempt for standing for themselves all went back to "normal".
He did exactly that every time we got back together. For a few weeks to months I was told how absolutely beautiful and amazing I am until he didnt get what he wanted. Then came the devaluation and anger. But I recognize I put him on one too because of how amazing he could when he wanted to be. No more though.
I definitely remember a time where I put my ex narcissist up on a pedestal. Looking back on it, I think it's because I was too embarrassed to be honest with everyone (and to myself) what a jerk he was being. If I put him in a very good light, then somehow I didn't look like a person who made a bad decision in choosing to be with someone who treated me so poorly. I did a lot of faking It on Facebook, like everything was fine, when clearly it was not. 😔
Yep, I didn't even realize I was on a pedestal. He just love bombed me and always made me feel like I was perfect. And yes I am younger by 12 yrs and at times I felt how he hated that I had my life together and he didn't. Last time we spoke, he said... I just have commitment fears.
I'm glad I have walked away.
"Nobody is all that " well said
My narcissistic daughter that's 46 yrs old ignored me today, mother's day. I didn't expect to hear from her, but my heart is sad anyway.
Cathy Tilford mine ignored me too. I even reached out to her with no response.
maybe you know why xD
@@gapereraoficial that sounds like a judgement.
@@cathytilford388 Do you know how she came to be narcissistic?
@@gapereraoficial no one knows this for sure, so many theories. Her father had full blown disorder from my research & living with him for years. I barely got out alive because of violent rages that started after she was born. I managed to get out when she was 2. This was early 70s, no info about anything at that time. My mother was narcissistic ,also my sister & brother. It runs through the family.
I now realize why my narcissist always told me what he loved about me was what i did for him. Thank you this helps.
Putting a person on a pedestal is like a back handed compliment!
Wow! This video perfectly describes my experience with my ex-wife. I alway thought of myself as a strong and confident man but after 10 years of marriage to this narcissist, I was left totally deflated and exhausted. I've recovered and remarried but even after 30 years, I still have nightmares about that emotionally abusive relationship, My only regret is that I lost the relationship of two children that she used as revenge.
Thinking back to events and his behavior and comments . . . Hey, I got a good one in!!! After a week of enduring a couple of his subtle "digs" (devaluation), my heart was growing colder. To my credit I blurted out one day "YOU ARE LOOSING YOUR BEAUTY!!" the worst swipe for a narc. He silently stood up and walked out. I didn't miss him much at that point, because he had, in fact, lost much of his appeal for me. Proud of myself.
cheralyse
Good for you for speaking your truth✌️ that’s takes courage 😊
Ironic how we devalue them when they devalue us. They devalue us for being flawed humans and we devalue them as a result of being mistreated, demeaned and dehumanized.
Hi Dr. Ramani, I'd like more information on the aging narcissist. How do they change in their 60's, 70's and 80's. Thanks!
I would say it's safe to say they don't change, they only get old...most likely alone. We mature as we get old, they don't mature, that is part of the narcissist trait.
Dr. Ramani, will you do a video on what Pat Bagley requested about aging Narcissist please
Love your mind Doctor RAMANI 🧡
U mean tits
@Diva R are you kidding? I'm a Crazy person... Eat my shit
Every sentence hit my memory. How blind I was.
Fall of the pedestal? Guys! Please, I know all those narc survivors out there, we have fallen off those pedestal. But,let's not just fall and lie there, let's get up, but not back to these empty devils.Let's wake up at a different place,for a different deserving person.No falling guys!
Yelling at the victims of narcissists is never helpful. Nowhere did Dr. Ramani imply that anyone should just "lie there".
@@myafaire1682 we are yelling not against the victims,against narcissistic abuse.
Pedestal idealism is absolutely a grandiose perspective! It allows you to put all this positive energy into a false ideal of what YOU want that human to appear to be. It’s all to keep from putting in the real work of taking care of self. Learned the hard way. It’s so much healthier to take a step back, and start to put that love into self so that you can see people clearly. They are flawed, just like you, not a perfect human than can save you from you.
Well put. I think that the more self-love we develop, the more that we realize the unhealthy dynamics going on in the relationships
As a kid I tried very hard to constantly achieve things. My parents seemed pleased but my brothers were resentful. At times when I failed in some way I was punished and humiliated. As an adult I realize that I was most valued when I made the family look good, by getting good grades or getting in the newspaper for some achievement. Sometimes I wonder if I was nothing more than a report card, or a resume.
When I realized that I was being treated like an object and not a person, their actions made a lot more sense.
It's beginning to be funny how this videos are the answer to that daily need and question I have.
So clearly explained! I have been on the pedestal as the most wonderful woman, all he had asked for in his prayers, coming directly from heaven to make his life perfect...and no long after the change, the coldness, the secrets...and then so abruptly the discard.
Of course, he played the victim and never even held himself accountable for it, it had been all my fault. He treated me like, suddenly, I was his enemy, a threat!
This really messes with your mind! How can you fall from being the woman someone has waited for all of his life to being an enemy????!!!!
I kept asking to myself (and to him) this very question and couldn’t find or receive any answer, until I watched your videos.
It is a shocking behavior and it is really sick.
It hurts me to think that this person is so twisted, but I am starting to understand that all of it has nothing to do with me, I am starting to understand that I don’t have to take it personally. It is sadly a mental illness.
This is also difficult to accept for me, but it is so clear now and there’s nothing we can do about it. So shocking as you explained dr Ramani, the fall it’s terrible and so unexpected!
Beginning phase I felt like a queen. Three months later was nothing but a serf. Not even.
So true! I had a narc friend who would always invite me to parties and then act like I was invisible as soon as we got there-wouldn’t even look at me or acknowledge my existence the whole night. After I’d leave, I get a text like, “where’d ya go?” 🙄 I found it so confusing until I realized she was only inviting me because she felt it was the “right thing to do”- it made her look like a good friend to her other friends. Too bad she wasn’t interested in actually BEING a good friend.
Dr. Ramani, it's uncanny how you described my entire narcissistic cult family! Everyone in community marvels at how wonderful they are. Thank you for your spot-on descriptors. I feel affirmed.
A narc knocked me off the pedestal suddenly after a dispute over our different worldviews.
I was surprised but happy because I had began regretting getting involved with her a year previously but I didn't want to be rude.
She wasn't concerned about being rude!
The pedestal is a major red flag
Exactly as you describe it Dr. Ramani. They put you there and that triggers very deep insecurities in them, they then devalue you later when they realize you are human as anyone else. All your videos are so validating of the feelings and situations we experience in these toxic relationships. In the end you are right, nobody should be put on a pedestal, we are human and nobody is perfect, we all have flaws, it is better to get the time of getting to know the person. We also make the mistake of putting them on a pedestal, and feeling very confused once the devaluing and the abuse starts. So, after watching almost all your videos, I can say you are one the best in the field of narcissism. Thank you for the work you do, the hope, the help, the knowledge💖
I have watched ALL of your videos & have been researching NPD for almost 2 years. This video is by far the most rewarding for me!! WOW 🤩
One sure and fast way to get down from the pedestal which the narc has put us on is setting boundaries! The minute we set boundaries the narcissist pulls us down the pedestal in a heart beat!
Your stuff on cluster b I saw on medcircle is the absolute best and most concise content I've encountered to this day. Something about you in general is comforting, but the way you explain things is next level.
I just wanted to thank you and all of the professionals for the coaching. A colleague of mine was dealing with a narcissist and I was able to help him through your guidance to a positive outcome, which is the narcissist will probably be packing his bags up and leaving for good.
I was able to guide my colleague and explain to him not to defend himself in a confrontation while they were all in their group meeting and the narc was using his pedestal to exert power he did not possess, and he exposed himself and his lies and deceit he had for the group and their church, so he is bye bye! and my colleague feels much relief now. The toxic cloud is dispersing.
I have had the very uncomfortable experience of being put on a pedestal by a narcissist, first in my original family, and then in a recent relationship. The thing I didn't experience was the 'devaluing' and 'discard' from them. Instead, I always had the feeling of being clutched at, idealized, and seen through their own projections more than seen for me. In both situations I used my position of privilege to challenge them when their behaviors hurt others, knowing that I could say things to them that maybe others couldn't. But the others around me resented the favoritism that was shown me, and couldn't see that I was suffering in this unwanted position of getting 'special treatment'.
Even though I have now gone no-contact with both narcs, I have the feeling that both would welcome me back in a heartbeat if I decided to return (which I won't). Instead I've chosen to do the very hard work of building a better relationship with my non-narc parent, who countered the narc's 'fawning over' me with (at times) critical contempt. It seems as though I am still paying the price of the favoritism that was put on me as a child, something I never wanted at all; it is no favor to be made a 'favorite'! I'm just wondering why I was never 'discarded', as this would have made my 'journey' so much easier!
Could you do a video on how does a person cope with all they have lost, including time, but significant losses, including your faith in people generally.
I had to learn how to forgive myself for being a dummy and forgive them and let them go. Just hold on to the lessons you have learned and let the rest go. I ask the universe or God to take it from me. Keep busy giving yourself joy and the tears get less over time. Love and light brave warrior. X
thank you dr. romani ,you are helping lots of people to understand what they are going through ,i know i did and i cant thank you enough
Dr Ramani till recently was suffering from narcissist abuse and was just able to understand the pattern and come out of the relationship and trying to be myself since 3 months. All this enlightenment was given by you and your videos made me to think and compare my relation and concluded that this will not be okay at all and took a call to come out of it and trying my best to be out of it
I have been married to a narcissist for 28 years. Now he is home all of the time because of the coronavirus. It's so hard to not be constantly sad right now.
I understand
This is the time to make a plan. Get online therapy if you can, and learn from Dr. Ramani how to build your self-esteem and awareness. Be very careful about what you say so that you don't place yourself in harm's way.
Life is short. If you're sad because you are with your husband more it's a sign you should get divorced.
Don't waste your precious time. RUN asap and start living the life you deserve and pursue your dreams ! God bless you stay strong 💪
Dr. Ramani you were so on point with this video. The narcissist I was with 8 years ago use to put me on a pedestal and I didn't like it. And it's true I thought he was the one I've been looking for my whole life. Then "Bam" 💥!! He creap up behind me pull the rug from right underneath me and I fell flat on my face. He humiliated me and did all those things you said they do. I wish I knew 15 years ago about these type of individuals😩. I couldn't save myself a whole lot of heart ache. 💔 And now when I look back I knew it wasn't me I am a person who cares and have empathy for ppl. 😊 Thank you Dr. Ramani for incite 🌹
My grandpa was put on a pedestal by everyone in the family and in the comunity, he was a saint, brilliant, etc and he treated intermitently all of the family like shit, but we " had to forgive him and his abuses because he is brilliant and succesful" all of my uncles, my aunt and my dad grew up learning that you can get away with wathever if you are inteligent or recognized and never were able to recognize their own pain of having a abusive parent 😥
Elisa Psicóloga-Life Coach
It’s such a devastating toxic dysfunctional family dynamic to recover from.
They tend to put you on one as they tear somebody else down
What a fantastic explanations of what goes in their mind and emotions when they put us up and down the pedestal.
"We both need to feel equal and comfortable for healthy relationships"
Not taking trash out and not getting down the pedestal is similar with a relative of mine whose wife put him pedestal 14 years ago and he is still sitting up there.
My ex kept feeling like he wasn’t enough and that he’d have to do something for me always like complimenting me or buying me gifts, pampering me in ways I hadn’t asked for to begin with. I just wanted to be treated as normal human being with my own imperfections. He’d lift me high up and bring me back down without a moment for me to think or figure out what’s happening... I finally see it all. I’m happy.
When I was descarded by my husband, I told him I thought I married The best... he told me: well , you shouldnt have put me on a pedestal... It is your fault🤷♀️
Same here. I put him on pedestal, calling evil good.
I did it too....and I think it was my fault. We give them the love and honour we should be giving to ourselves. I spent many days crying over men who I had loved too much. It dawned on me.. I must change my behaviour and put up barriers myself as protection. As an empath and healer I just fell for it again. But I recognise the misplaced love to him should have gone to myself and my family. At least I didnt waste years this time. Just a few months. But just shows how you need to protect yourself if you love too much. I had to forgive myself all over again.. but now I know how to....it was much easier. Love and light my friends. ❤👍⚖🌻
I used to put up mine on a pedestal to try and build his self esteem, always self deprecating and I tried to show him his good side. As a 'friend' I've been to him and yesterday he dug into me, devaluing me and my feelings, and I listened to your videos this morning that enablers say, he loves me but push me away because he is not yet free, he has been so divorced since 2016. I got away easy because he frightened me yesterday with his vicious insults. I was fighting for us and he was fighting for himself, breaking confidentiality things we shared and want to have a 'daddy" figure. The problem is, gaslighting- happens in religious organisations and now I'm free. Suffering and waiting for something good isn't right as your video said so I thank you.
This is true and then they suddenly discard you! Been through it and now finally healing from it, it’s a difficult road but I’m taking it day by day.
Wow, my whole relationship was described in detail...
Welcome to my club. Ex golden child here
Thank you for talking about how we put the narcissist up on a pedestal. They seem like they are all powerful and almost super human. At first. But reality always has a way of showing you everyone is only human.
This explanation the term “pedestal” is soo on point as opposed to “love bombing”. Although love bombing does define some of it...
Smriti Pokharel yah some of us never got the love bombing. I had to chase him. Worst mistake of my life.
April TEE-ZEE that’s bad... in my case, him and I kept going on this loop. He chased me first, made Me chase for him later and when I gave up, he kept chasing me but with others (including mutual acquaintances) he portrayed as though he was being abused... it was so emotionally draining.
Smriti Pokharel yep I know. They smear us the entire time and don’t realize it until it’s over and everyone sides with them. Honestly I just don’t care. I know the truth. It will hurt though hearing what they will come up with about me. Lol. Good luck to you hun.
April TEE-ZEE thank you, and I like your attitude about it. Let us not be bothered by what they say about us. We know our truth and we know what happened more than anyone else. ❤️sending lots of love, light and warmth to heal from all of this... we will come out stronger for sure. ✌️
Smriti Pokharel thanks hun! Same to you❤️✌🏻
You are a treasure trove of information. Why didn't I never come across your videos earlier on? Would have saved me from many unfortunate situations.
These videos and glossary videos are life changing!
Thank you, Dr Ramani. After months and months of dealing with this emotional rollercoaster of a relationship with my boyfriend, and watching your videos, I now realize he’s a covert passive aggressive narcissist, and everything you say hits home. I was this strong, confident, independent woman, and since our MULITIPLE breakups and getting back together, I have seen a change in my self esteem. I have anxiety talking with him, there have been tons of tears, confusion, feeling lost in our conversation where I feel I need to record our convos. Everything you say just brings so much truth and I need to just finally break away from him; I realize I am so much happier when we are not speaking with one another..hopefully I can find the courage to finally break away.
If you ever experience an urge to place someone up on a "pedestal" , try this : just simply visualize them taking a big nasty dump while sitting on this toilet . Problem solved....
loooooooooooool
That’s funny. My ex wouldn’t stop farting all the time snd had to announce it before she told me every single time. I finally brought it up that she didn’t need to do that and she held that against me and became bitter.
my narcissistic family member believes they are on a pedestal, it is painfully obvious they are miserable up there... good luck with that! I feel safer grounded down here in reality. Everyone else enjoys their space too.
Again. You peeled off another layer. Thank you.
They only value you for what you can give them, not for who you are. Value yourself and get away from them if you can.
❤️😂❤️ What I would like a video on is, what it feels like for us when we go no contact, and what we can expect as side effects/withdrawal from the narc? I have had a couple of months no contact and have had a lot of physical symptoms as well, is that normal ? Thank you so much for all your videos! You are an Angel to me!❤️❤️❤️
I can't put myself to speak with friends I worked with for fear of anything getting back to my old boss. He promised so much in return for my leadership and contribution in bringing his company from being 3 months in arrears on orders to current 2.5 months over a period. 5.5 months production in 2.5 months. I walked after he devalued me. Even now 2 years later I haven't contacted any of my friends. Angry, stressed and had a major health issue ongoing for the last 10 months. Not out of the woods yet. There are residual energies from dealing with toxic people if you could call them that.
Seeker Being yesss I am finding it very difficult. I am trying to go no contact 😭
@@kolpoiy1183 I've done it for almost 2 years now. It's really hard and I found I was actually becoming anti- social because it's difficult to discuss why you haven't seen your out of town family. I can't rave about being a grandmother anymore. I was technically a step- grandparent but I treated those children as if they were blood related! But when your emotional and physical being is threatened, you need to self care no matter what the cost! My boundaries were always ignored. I'm 63 and want to live in peace. Her father, my husband, is basically no contact with her too. You can't have a normal relationship.... period!
lori schwartz you really cannot. I found that I’m repeating myself, communicating basic things over and over again? He likes to make me angry on purpose. The list never ends. I am also unfortunately codependent bc of abandonment (daddy issues) and it’s an never ending cycle. I’m 26 and he’s 35. ALOT of times I thought I was acting like the older one. Anyway we deserve much better and I’m so happy you’ve done it for 2 years!:)) that’s still progress.
Seeker Being oh ouch! Yes I know that one. I ended up with C-PTSD after my marriage with significant physical symptoms. I found the modules on www.melanietoniaevans.com very good for dealing with the symptoms, and found her explanations very enlightening, especially on the ‘withdrawal’ symptoms. I have also found Pete Walker’s books on C-PTSD and The Tao of Fully Feeling very useful.
Take care, be very gentle and loving with yourself. Healing is one day at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time, but just keep going and start trusting yourself and your worth and you will absolutely get there. ❤️
Most narcissists I've met among friends and relatives, and my two ex relationships had already placed themselves high upon a pedestal, so as to be more able to look down at me, as being beneath them. It's been that way for nearly 54 years. On the other hand, I am very suspicious by virtue of things that have happened in my life, so much so I wouldn't allow anyone to place me on a pedestal. In my experience, the same one who will put you on a pedestal, will also dig your grave, if it suits their needs best.
Oh Lord I crashed and burned behind this dude like an idiot for 8 years after falling off his ridiculous petal stool. I feel dumb and mentally twisted. But I'm trying. 😄
Yas girl! You got it! God is good
Me too. So hard to forgive myself for hurting my son, I've always been in narcissist situations... I went to psychiatrists, no one got it until I was 50! Then I started researching after falling so hard and so disturbingly not me... I broke in a bad way....I'm SOoo Grateful for people like Dr. Ramani who were able to dissect this very very complicated mind twisting disorder and make sense out of it... it has ruined my life, and I don't want to live with the anguish anymore... I will do my best to help those who find themselves in this hell too. ❤
@@taliapopz9649 thank u so much
Pedestal*
⚘ Love to you
This phenomenon is not confined to romantic relationships. Frustrated, I eventually asked my father whether my mother had ever loved me. He said, "Yes, until you developed a mind of your own." Thus, after age 3, ground level became the pedestal, and silence or rages became the yawning pit.
I love this video! Sometimes actually all the time narcissist put themselves on a pedestal. I wonder if they know they aren't as great as they think? 🤔 Does anyone know this answer? It's so pathetic.
Really great episode. Just got pushed off of a very public pedestal & it really, really hurts. Thx so much again for your wisdom & knowledge & the giving of your time to teach us & help me learn. So grateful🌹🌼🌸🌷❤️
I would enjoy a follow up video to this one; suggestions on how to get yourself down from that pedestal and how to spot this early on before you know if someone is a narc or not.
Also, what it should look like in a healthy relationship; how that valuing and validation should look when it’s not coming from a narc.
I have experiences being put on a pedestal by narcs, and from my experience, I can say that it's always done on their own terms like praising you about qualities that they have or want themselves (they think if they praise those qualities in someone else, people will put them in high regard for having the same praiseworthy qualities or being close to someone with those enviable qualities) i.e. a type of projection. They make you out to be perfect because that's how they want to be seen.
However, they never admire the qualities you care about and are working hard to improve on. If they don't benefit the narcissist, the narcissist will be totally disinterested.
In a healthy relationship, you'd respect what the other person cares about by showing interest in how they feel and supporting them with genuine feedback.
Your videos are incredibly helpful and insightful. At first they were difficult for me to watch because I would get so triggered by the information your share but little by little I have been able to watch them and I continue to understand myself and the narcissistic parents who raised me. This video was so spot on! Thank you Dr. Ramani. Please continue the work you do. You are helping so many, including myself.