It premiers on our 20 year anniversary tomorrow Hubby claims I'm gaslighting, but he's the one telling me what my memories are, and that i don't remember and telling me the way *I* really feel about something 🤷♀️🤣👏
Thank you for this summary of tactics. It is helpful for adults recognizing them while interacting with other adults. Children have a much harder time as they establish their sense of self and reality through their parents. If they are victims of gaslighting by their parents, they have no chance to "trust their instinct", sadly.
Man, you just explained my relationship with my mother. I love her so much. But she demands I alter my persona around her to something she likes, i have to always agree with her, and I have to respond to her provocations instead of ignoring them. She also demands to discipline my children because she doesn't like the way I do it. Everything she says is manipulative, untrue, and causes me to doubt my own memory. She is the only one in my life that does this, so I can definitely avoid it. I am to the point where I will not talk or visit with her without a witness. It's so much SAFER to just go minimal contact. The only way I see to fix this matter is to get her to a psychiatrist.
It sounds like you're navigating a really tough situation. Setting boundaries is essential for your own well-being, and it's great that you've recognized the need for minimal contact. Take care of yourself!
@@DrDanielFox Thanks Doc. It blows my mind that she would rather hang on to her unhinged behavior than be a part of the lives of me and her grandchildren.
how can you say you love someone like that? to me it seems to be setting yourself up for further abuse because you are subconsciously accepting this behavior… it’s going to harm you and your children :/
If someone is telling you to quit your job and they’ll take care of you it’s a red flag I’m sorry if this offends people entirely dependent on their spouse but financial dependence on someone holding all the chips is NOT healthy. It’s an unhealthy power dynamic and I am not going to pretend it’s not. Financial dependence is paramount in abuse prevention. A lot of people stay in abusive relationships simply for that reason.
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. Setting boundaries is important, and it's never easy when loved ones don’t respect them. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
❤ Thank you Dr. Fox! I think this is your most helpful video yet. I’m glad that you mentioned that families can use this tactic as well. For me, my abusive parents tried gaslighting me to leave my partner who encouraged setting healthy boundaries. I often felt stuck between my family and my spouse when conflicts would arise. Now that I have a BPD diagnosis, I can see my role in the cycle. I would often use maladaptive strategies w/ both my family and partner because I didn’t feel safe being direct and honest with anyone. As I learn more adaptive strategies, I can see who the true gaslighters in my life are. Specifically, I will not tolerate being shamed for other people’s feelings. An important value for me to identify was that even if I have BPD symptoms, that doesn’t warrant verbal abuse in response. My partner understands this, whereas my toxic family doesn’t. As I have limited contact with my family, I finally have the space to heal and my BPD is starting to go into remission. Your videos and workbook have been a guiding light throughout my recovery.
It happened with my brother and sister, my brother blame-shifted and lied to me and my sister bluntly said about my expression about depression that i am being negative and she didn't want to pass on that negative behaviour to her kids. Also i was talking about asking them earlier if they could ask me "how i am" once a while and so i expressed that i missed their asking towards me. They (and i mean my narcissistic dad, enabling mom and brother sister) all accused me that i needed to open-up but when i do, they blame and belittle me. Keeping up the appearances with each other. Both my mom & dad also extended by saying 'see? your brother and sister said the things already, we have nothing to add' My mom also participates with the abuse. And i still grief about the sentence my sister said to me, it is very cruel to say "Don't want to pass that behaviour to my kids" My depression even got worsened.
The NPD/BPD woman who tried to take over my life would tell me that I was getting confused and forgetting things. "It's possible that you're in the beginning phases of early-onset Alzheimer's. We need to think about you moving in with me for support." She was a piece of work. Glad she's in the past.
I knew about the concept of gaslighting, but I didn't understand fully just how much my ex was doing this to me constantly until I watch this video. She used most of these 10 things constantly to avoid admitting fault and to avoid working on herself. I know that a lot of narcissists can't help being a narcissist. Like it really wasn't their fault that they developed this condition. But at the end of the day, if their words and actions are causing you constant pain and misery and they will not own up to it or work on themselves, what does it matter anymore whether or not they realize it. The results are the same. And sometimes you have to leave to protect yourself. It's not ideal, but it is often necessary. The line is whether or not they care enough about you to stop and think and do something about it.
Here's a good example I think. I'm chatting with a guy in the dating app and he ask me to call him so I do and I asked for Derek he says Dorian oh wait.. tells me his friend made his dating profile and told him to lie about his name and age because everybody does that. Then proceeded to tell me that if a woman doesn't think that's acceptable then it's not the right woman for him. I don't think that's a good way to start a relationship with dishonesty. He continues to act like I'm crazy talk over me. I ask how come if it's so good you haven't met anyone he said well I only meet bat sh#t crazy women. Hangs up on me. Calls back 5 minutes later to ask if we can start over and tries to Vader me into a date after I said pass.
Wow, that sounds like quite the rollercoaster of a conversation! Starting off with dishonesty is definitely a red flag. You deserve someone who respects you and is upfront from the beginning.
Sometimes, people genuinely do forget and remember wrong (I don’t know if it’s getting older or stress, ha!). The key I have found is, how do they react when you question it? Like, it’s normal to be defensive, “yeah, I did tell you that,” if you really did say something (or genuinely believe you did). But there should be a concession. An acknowledgment of “hey, this is how I remember it…but I could be wrong. Most importantly, what’s the best and healthiest thing we can do in the here and now to move forward lovingly?” It’s all about the attitude. People are human. They make mistakes, and studies of eye-witness testimony show how unreliable human memory is. The crucial difference is, does your partner blame you and make you feel like 💩 foe pointing it out, or are they like, hey, nobody’s bad, how do we repair and move forward in a healthy way. That, to me, is the key difference between gaslighting and the human frailty of faulty memory.
Also alcohol, omg. Not only does it muddle your memory, but that whole GABA/glutamate rebalancing makes you defensive and testy AF. It’s the main reason I quit drinking, ha. But yeah. With some folks in my life, like a certain family member, I go round and round, is it narcissism or just alcoholism (the person in question once drank one of those big ole gallons of whiskey daily so their brain is mush). In the end in that situation, I just have to remember it isn’t about me at all. But it’s still painful. Painful enough to keep me from drinking so I don’t do it to anyone else, anyway.
Recently I gave feedback to my mother, by email, because I have not met her a long time. She has actually caused things so that all her siblings also do not talk to each others. I gave not mer my cousibs in years. Well, I know that it is not any use to tell anything to a narcissist, but I gave feedback and wrote something like, that she has never been on my side nor supported me emotionally, I feel that she hates me. She answered: ”You are totally wrong! I have always loved you! …” 😂 I was almost laughing when I get that ansnwer! Of course, even my feelings are wrong! She loved me so much that did this and that to destroy my relatiobships and stealed my joy, put every time someone else before me, talked bad about me to my daughter, said that I am a liar, so that now my daughter does not speak with me etc. So much she loves me and I am wrong! 😂😂😂 I wrote, that I do not want her kind of love from anyone any more. 💔 And quess what? She is a victim of my badnes now. 😅
Oh my gosh only been divorced since April 2024 so not that long but oh my gosh I did not realize I was with this man for two decades not realizing he had been gaslighting me almost every single one of your examples he had done to me and like I told my friends now I should have divorced him not the other way around😮😢
@@DrDanielFox I was asked if it upset me and I said kind of that was a little slack dog but it makes me happy that I'm not with him anymore he can freaking do that to somebody else Does that count as emotional abuse?
Lies usually go along with gaslighting.
It premiers on our 20 year anniversary tomorrow Hubby claims I'm gaslighting, but he's the one telling me what my memories are, and that i don't remember and telling me the way *I* really feel about something 🤷♀️🤣👏
I hope you find the video helpful. Be well
Thank you for this summary of tactics. It is helpful for adults recognizing them while interacting with other adults. Children have a much harder time as they establish their sense of self and reality through their parents. If they are victims of gaslighting by their parents, they have no chance to "trust their instinct", sadly.
When your mother does it and has her cackleing Witch sisters helping her. You don't stand a chance
No lies detected.
don't listen to them. not a word they say.
It sounds like your mom has quite the support team! Those witchy vibes must make it tough to compete.
Been there, and they’ve done that.😂
Man, you just explained my relationship with my mother. I love her so much. But she demands I alter my persona around her to something she likes, i have to always agree with her, and I have to respond to her provocations instead of ignoring them. She also demands to discipline my children because she doesn't like the way I do it. Everything she says is manipulative, untrue, and causes me to doubt my own memory. She is the only one in my life that does this, so I can definitely avoid it. I am to the point where I will not talk or visit with her without a witness. It's so much SAFER to just go minimal contact. The only way I see to fix this matter is to get her to a psychiatrist.
It sounds like you're navigating a really tough situation. Setting boundaries is essential for your own well-being, and it's great that you've recognized the need for minimal contact. Take care of yourself!
@@leonablack3516 She is my elderly mother. WHo will care for her as she ages?
@@DrDanielFox Thanks Doc. It blows my mind that she would rather hang on to her unhinged behavior than be a part of the lives of me and her grandchildren.
how can you say you love someone like that?
to me it seems to be setting yourself up for further abuse because you are subconsciously accepting this behavior… it’s going to harm you and your children :/
@@Foxtrap731the nurses
When it comes to hateful people. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
No good deed goes unpunished.
@@Foxtrap731exact narcissistic territory
To understand gaslighting tactics, simply study mainstream media outlets.
If someone is telling you to quit your job and they’ll take care of you it’s a red flag I’m sorry if this offends people entirely dependent on their spouse but financial dependence on someone holding all the chips is NOT healthy. It’s an unhealthy power dynamic and I am not going to pretend it’s not. Financial dependence is paramount in abuse prevention. A lot of people stay in abusive relationships simply for that reason.
I'm an adult my father doesn't respect me or my boundaries he loves gaslighting my reality and playing mind games with me .
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. Setting boundaries is important, and it's never easy when loved ones don’t respect them. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
This was like a mini-course, defining and discussing every early sign with examples. Thanks a bunch, Daniel!
❤ Thank you Dr. Fox! I think this is your most helpful video yet. I’m glad that you mentioned that families can use this tactic as well. For me, my abusive parents tried gaslighting me to leave my partner who encouraged setting healthy boundaries. I often felt stuck between my family and my spouse when conflicts would arise. Now that I have a BPD diagnosis, I can see my role in the cycle. I would often use maladaptive strategies w/ both my family and partner because I didn’t feel safe being direct and honest with anyone. As I learn more adaptive strategies, I can see who the true gaslighters in my life are. Specifically, I will not tolerate being shamed for other people’s feelings. An important value for me to identify was that even if I have BPD symptoms, that doesn’t warrant verbal abuse in response. My partner understands this, whereas my toxic family doesn’t. As I have limited contact with my family, I finally have the space to heal and my BPD is starting to go into remission. Your videos and workbook have been a guiding light throughout my recovery.
You’re welcome.
It happened with my brother and sister, my brother blame-shifted and lied to me and my sister bluntly said about my expression about depression that i am being negative and she didn't want to pass on that negative behaviour to her kids. Also i was talking about asking them earlier if they could ask me "how i am" once a while and so i expressed that i missed their asking towards me. They (and i mean my narcissistic dad, enabling mom and brother sister) all accused me that i needed to open-up but when i do, they blame and belittle me. Keeping up the appearances with each other. Both my mom & dad also extended by saying 'see? your brother and sister said the things already, we have nothing to add' My mom also participates with the abuse.
And i still grief about the sentence my sister said to me, it is very cruel to say "Don't want to pass that behaviour to my kids" My depression even got worsened.
The NPD/BPD woman who tried to take over my life would tell me that I was getting confused and forgetting things. "It's possible that you're in the beginning phases of early-onset Alzheimer's. We need to think about you moving in with me for support." She was a piece of work. Glad she's in the past.
Holy wowzers, that's some old-timer gaslighting like it's actually... _gas lighting!_ 😂 I joke but I'm glad you caught it.
I knew about the concept of gaslighting, but I didn't understand fully just how much my ex was doing this to me constantly until I watch this video. She used most of these 10 things constantly to avoid admitting fault and to avoid working on herself.
I know that a lot of narcissists can't help being a narcissist. Like it really wasn't their fault that they developed this condition. But at the end of the day, if their words and actions are causing you constant pain and misery and they will not own up to it or work on themselves, what does it matter anymore whether or not they realize it.
The results are the same.
And sometimes you have to leave to protect yourself. It's not ideal, but it is often necessary.
The line is whether or not they care enough about you to stop and think and do something about it.
I'm glad the video helped you recognize the signs of gaslighting in your past relationship.
Here's a good example I think. I'm chatting with a guy in the dating app and he ask me to call him so I do and I asked for Derek he says Dorian oh wait.. tells me his friend made his dating profile and told him to lie about his name and age because everybody does that. Then proceeded to tell me that if a woman doesn't think that's acceptable then it's not the right woman for him. I don't think that's a good way to start a relationship with dishonesty. He continues to act like I'm crazy talk over me. I ask how come if it's so good you haven't met anyone he said well I only meet bat sh#t crazy women. Hangs up on me. Calls back 5 minutes later to ask if we can start over and tries to Vader me into a date after I said pass.
Wow, that sounds like quite the rollercoaster of a conversation! Starting off with dishonesty is definitely a red flag. You deserve someone who respects you and is upfront from the beginning.
This is so happening to me at work by several higher-ups.
Stay grounded. Be well
Super brilliant video ❤ Thankyou Doctor Fox 🥰
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
My bpd husband does this
Really love this video! I've dealt with this before and your professional take is so helpful!
I'm so glad!I’m glad you found this videos helpful. Be well.
Sometimes, people genuinely do forget and remember wrong (I don’t know if it’s getting older or stress, ha!). The key I have found is, how do they react when you question it? Like, it’s normal to be defensive, “yeah, I did tell you that,” if you really did say something (or genuinely believe you did). But there should be a concession. An acknowledgment of “hey, this is how I remember it…but I could be wrong. Most importantly, what’s the best and healthiest thing we can do in the here and now to move forward lovingly?” It’s all about the attitude. People are human. They make mistakes, and studies of eye-witness testimony show how unreliable human memory is. The crucial difference is, does your partner blame you and make you feel like 💩 foe pointing it out, or are they like, hey, nobody’s bad, how do we repair and move forward in a healthy way. That, to me, is the key difference between gaslighting and the human frailty of faulty memory.
Also alcohol, omg. Not only does it muddle your memory, but that whole GABA/glutamate rebalancing makes you defensive and testy AF. It’s the main reason I quit drinking, ha. But yeah. With some folks in my life, like a certain family member, I go round and round, is it narcissism or just alcoholism (the person in question once drank one of those big ole gallons of whiskey daily so their brain is mush). In the end in that situation, I just have to remember it isn’t about me at all. But it’s still painful. Painful enough to keep me from drinking so I don’t do it to anyone else, anyway.
I’m glad you found the video helpful.
Hi Mr. Daniel Fox, could you please do a video about DARVO? Thank you.
Recently I gave feedback to my mother, by email, because I have not met her a long time. She has actually caused things so that all her siblings also do not talk to each others. I gave not mer my cousibs in years. Well, I know that it is not any use to tell anything to a narcissist, but I gave feedback and wrote something like, that she has never been on my side nor supported me emotionally, I feel that she hates me. She answered: ”You are totally wrong! I have always loved you! …” 😂
I was almost laughing when I get that ansnwer! Of course, even my feelings are wrong! She loved me so much that did this and that to destroy my relatiobships and stealed my joy, put every time someone else before me, talked bad about me to my daughter, said that I am a liar, so that now my daughter does not speak with me etc. So much she loves me and I am wrong! 😂😂😂
I wrote, that I do not want her kind of love from anyone any more. 💔 And quess what? She is a victim of my badnes now. 😅
Oh my gosh only been divorced since April 2024 so not that long but oh my gosh I did not realize I was with this man for two decades not realizing he had been gaslighting me almost every single one of your examples he had done to me and like I told my friends now I should have divorced him not the other way around😮😢
I'm so sorry to hear about your experience, but I'm glad my video could shed some light on what you went through.
@@DrDanielFox I was asked if it upset me and I said kind of that was a little slack dog but it makes me happy that I'm not with him anymore he can freaking do that to somebody else
Does that count as emotional abuse?
If i say that they do it with me, is it ok?