HAHHAHAAHAHAHHA TOUCHÉ! With a silky resolution effect of: “so don’t you ever give that much of a fuck, cause you better focus on pistachio icecream - life then will taste better”
Let me be the devil real quick. Most people eventually get over a breakup. And are happier after a while. If you stay the what if stays with you indefinitely 🤓 On the other hand, the grass isn’t always greener
Reminds me of 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath: "I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor... I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest..." There is duality in every choice we make: love/loss, relief/grief, joy/sadness. Both/and. One of the most beautiful and painful parts about being human is the finite nature of our lives ❤ Everyone deserves to live with the freedom to choose their own path.
I feel you know what you need to do but stress, deep rooted feelings, thinking they are the person they portrayed themselves as is the hard part to get past.
The relationship as you knew it is over. The question is whether you try to build a new one with the same person…or with someone else…. Either way you are starting over…
Separating from my husband after 25 years has been the most painful experience ever . My first everything. Yet sometimes you reach a point of maturity that love just doesn’t seem enough When you desire to be real about the way you want to live Compatiblity is so important Without it One cannot live authentically ❤
The biggest thing to me is how long I was going to sacrifice me and the life you wanted and give all that to someone who would never love or respect me - because they showed me that every day - love does not conquer all and some things never should have happened at all - decisions are life changing
Also remember, that hard times happen in every relationship, let some time pass before you just leave, unless you or someone is in danger. Give yourself time to heal before you make a decision…let God guide you!💖🙌🙏
@lombmusic07 praying to him and surrendering whatever it is to the care of God! Ask him got guidance in the area. You can also meditate or journal…really just talk to God and ask him to reveal his will!🙏
I've been praying, asking God to guide me with this decision, but I'm still stuck in the middle. I get treated so well by my boyfriend, but I still wonder if he's the man God has for me.
@@alliyahsmith9779 I 100% relate! I said this pray so often when I first started dating my now husband. I just kept asking God to reveal to me if this was the man that I was meant to be with, well…God answered! Keep the faith, keep reaching out to God, he will guide you! You are worthy of God’s love and perfect plan for your life!
It was a process, and I trusted the process! It’s like coming off a drug addiction and forcing yourself to get well. All in all, it took me about 4 YEARS to feel normal and happy/confident. Little by little my kids and my friends noticed my vitality for life, sense of humor, and confidence returning! I am now 7 years post separation and couldn’t be happier. 😊
Yes I agree, at times it can be great u can be the happiness person alive wit your partner still by your side, but then the feeling of the betrayal will always be in the back your head wondering if u can truest again which then slowly you’ll start to lose yourself. It sucks 😅
lol normally we hold up until it takes your health down maybe you start binge eating, skin picking… depression and then you’ll know what is the root and how to end them. It’s almost like having a tumor removed. And once you end it is only blessings since you recover your health and there’s no more wondering 🙌
Hi ,I’d love to use one of your picture to be the face of my artwork project and you will be getting credit for this and you will totally get paid for it.
Now I know, why many months after leaving my boyfriend I still miss parts of him while at the same time I realize that this relationship was toxic and not good for me at all. Man, that is a great explanation! Thank you 👏👏
I’m having trouble seeing what the loss is in staying and it ending up being a beautiful relationship. I think a third option is you go and if it’s meant to be it will come back. Don’t stay or go, just be. The universe will guide you
That's what I had to do... I let him go not because I didn't love him but because I wanted him to heal and find peace & I also told him I need to heal & find peace. You have to make peace with both of your choices
Jay & Esther are speaking about individuals who are suffering enough issues in their relationship that it would take a lot of work to make “a beautiful relationship”. And when you do the work, you don’t know if it’ll work out. No one just stays in a troubled relationship & it morphs of its own accord into smthg beautiful. And if the relationship is already beautiful, the individuals within it won’t wrestle with the dilemma of staying or leaving.
I left my marriage of 28 years. I took 18 months to get up the courage. There was no part of me that held on. My decision WAS 💯 perfect. I'm unattached, meeting new people and excited about what lies ahead. 💖🐾🐦✨🎁
@dannellecarroll Thank you for asking. ✨🐦He gave me the silent treatment for those 18 months. From mid-2018. I trained myself to not talk at home. Our kids had left home to work/study. There was silence at home or he was nasty to me. Locked me out of the house. Hid all the keys to the outside, except the front door. Called me a f*cking parasite. At the end of 2019, I took my eldest daughter's advice and planned to leave. And then divorced him. 💖💖💖
@@jennifere4641 Oh sweet friend I am so so sorry this happened to you. You are so right for choosing you! 💞 I’m so happy you got away from that situation! ✨❤️
@@Squabblehead I left. In just the last 6 months I’ve lived so much life. I’ve seen 10 new countries. I’ve performed in a show for the first time in years. I’ve got back to having some self care and prioritising me. And most importantly I’ve let go (never thought I’d say this) I’ve let go of the sense of responsibility and guilt I feel about my ex and his future or his own decisions. I am only in charge of my own life. I don’t look back in sadness or anger. I look back and smile at the good times and the learning and the memories. It wasn’t a waste
This is a wonderful demonstration of the life of an individual who has lived with a narcissistic or even just had a relationship. I love the way she highlights the effects of the decision making process. It’s what every therapist should be brave enough to share! It’s not their lives or their decisions. What a therapist needs to give you is the honest truth. There are consequences for leaving and staying. There are wins for leaving (unfortunately not so much if you stay). What are you willing to gain and lose? Both are important to consider. Ponder that! (Standard of living, home/money/cars) family; friends; health; emotions ; safety; respect ; self-esteem; dreams; future; and so much more)! One of the hardest things for me was aging and saying to myself is this what I want to be the purpose of my life-it had been nothing short of a ´human sacrifice’ for things that pass away. What were my children learning from me? Will he eventually almost ki11 me or actually ki11 me or harm me and not even take care of me? Yes? I actually almost di@d! Will you???
I did like the rest of her answer (not in the video) because essentially you need to be sure you don’t value what you’re losing more than what you’re sure you already have.
I’ve felt this and told myself this but couldn’t articulate as gracefully as she did. So very true. That’s why it takes people so long to actually leave a relationship.
I love Esther Perel! She leaves no stone unturned! But she turns each one over with such care and inquisitive interest to find the truth. I so enjoy watching how she thinks.
She's so correct. I was in a relationship that was abusive. I stayed with hope until he got physical. Even had hope, but the fear of harm and damage to trust and harm to my children were all too much to ignore anymore. I still wanted to work through things, but I decided to embrace reality rather than the future i was hoping for.
It took me two years to solidify my decision because I kept thinking it was me and that I had all these things to fix. That the problems were usually my fault. Turns out he was just being manipulative and lying to me. I’m in no way perfect, but I know I tried my hardest. Went to therapy, looked up ways to be a better partner, tried to make sure he felt heard/supported/loved, did special things just because etc. Turns out he was just taking advantage of me and was doing terrible things behind my back. Never again.
@@tredd9019 Well I just passed a year since I moved out and I’m doing much better. I’ve lost 40lbs, learned a new language and got accepted into a nursing program. I’m still healing from his mind games, but I’d say I took full advantage of being free since I left. Focus on going THROUGH it and not pacifying it with something else and in the end you’ll thank yourself. I’m thankful it happened only because it taught me a lot about myself and I’m stronger than ever. I can use my experience to help see the signs and provide support for others going through similar issues when I’m in my new career. My only thought about him nowadays is that I hope he falls in love with someone as hard as I did for him and she hurts him like he did to me. Karma will be a bitch when it bites him in the ass. Improving yourself and proving to yourself (and everybody else) that you can rise above is the best revenge yet. I can’t wait for 2 years from now when I’m making $100k+ a year and he will be an even more distant memory. I hope some of this info helps. Best wishes to you and your healing journey ❤️
Yes. And for women in particular it's often the Dream of what the relationship Could be / Might have been - if he would just do this ..or just stop doing that thing. Giving up the dream or hope of something different / better can be harder to walk away from than the reality of what you are compromising so much of yourself to 'Live With'. Usually because there was so much emotional Investment In. That Dream.
You have to be able to feel you can’t escape the feel! Be happy. To feel is to be alive and to be alive is to have a chance. To have a chance is to be able to try something different. To try something different is to learn. To learn is to grow. To grow is part of life’s lesson. Life is beautiful, you have to just see it for what it is and what it is a series of lessons. Some lessons feel harder than others. I shall sound cliche what doesn’t kill you makes you wiser aka stronger. Stronger to not make the same mistake and to believe and trust yourself. Don’t be afraid of change. Change is good specially if you’ve been stranding still due to fear. If you’re craving and or needing change. You must first make the change in you.
This is so true. Loss of a long term marriage is worse than bereavement IMO... No one understands your grief. Grief support groups are just for the widowed... 😢
That’s pretty convoluted. If you want to leave, focus on moving forward and have enough money to support yourself. Don’t get hung up on the idea of what could have been.
She said it beautifully, Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I always feel is the scariest, toughest, decision one can make. Especially because you wouldn’t wanna leave and have the need to come back later
Not everyone can help carry your torch and vice versa. . . When the bad starts to outweigh the good, that's when you decide. You both will most likely move on to better matched partners. That is just life, unfortunately. And it is all okay at the same time! ❤❤❤
This resonates with me. A year ago my ex and I broke up as friends after 5 years. It was the right decision for me. However it was also hard and there are many things I still appreciate about him and our shared time together, and sometimes I'm sad that it didn't work out.
Everything is a relationship. Grieving leaving a country, a community, old environment, friends, cousins... Life does not revolve around male female relationship only. Esther Perel of all people certainly would not disagree.
I think this is why I have struggled so much to stay with a wonderful partner but not in my home country. It’s the loss of everything else that has broken me
I just recently left a relationship that I was growing increasingly sad in. Depression. The pain of staying was worse and the only thing that kept me there was the fear of having to go through the process of leaving. I have finally once again found my peace in a man I should have never allowed myself to lose a few years ago, as we reunited and reconciled and are trying again. I was a better version of me with him than I was with anyone else.
Man oh man is this big for me. The eclipse is conjunct my north node at the same time Pluto is square my natal Chiron. All month i've been healing and claiming my self worth, healing the lineage, and powering up to leave a very unhealthy relationship/power dynamic that has left me with cptsd. Looks like after the eclipse my real world will really start to shift. Looking forward to it, but also . . . It's gonna be hard. Know your worth, my friends, as deeply and truly as you can. Claim it. Life is so much better when we aren't letting other people stand in where our own power should reign supreme.
I felt that. Also think what’s is more unbearable, grieving the part of you what could it have been if you left , or grieving the loss, then you will have your answer.
I say try and try until you’re truly done. if the person doesn’t change eventually you get tired. it’s inevitable. but losing time is the price you pay to not have regret. or you can end it after the first offence and never turn back. the price you pay for safety is the unknown, that game is for high self esteem only.
From my experience, once you start fighting to revive a relationship, that means it's already dead. By fighting to save it, you put it on life support. You are keeping it alive by a scanner and machines. Pull the plug.
Leaving allowed me to get out of the fog and see all the things that I thought were good for what they really were. There was no set up …..happy 💯.I actually felt like the first time wore prescription glasses…the light ..the true colours, now I could now see properly
I'm done grieving. Ten Years Over. I got Redemption 2023. Your set up had been greatesr help accomplished. I Am at my Peace ,I had never been since 2001.
Sometimes you’ll know you are ready to end the relationship when you are no longer upset with them. You have a sort of breakthrough and kind of snap out of it and decide that it’s no longer a healthy relationship/friendship.
Very cool video A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. My soulmate made the decision to walk away from me, and even though I've done everything in my power to get him back, I can't help but feel disappointed because I can't see my life with anyone else. I want to say that I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I simply can't. I miss him so much and I don't know why I'm saying this here.
I learnt the hard way that saying goodbye to someone you love is difficult when a 12-year relationship ends. But I was unable to let him go, so I made every effort to get him back. I eventually sought aid from a spiritual counsellor, and he was able to assist me in getting him back.
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Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
I just broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. It feels weird as we have some circumstances when we can't live alone, but together. So, at first be both were crying, but today we talked about it a lot, about the relationship, about the reasons, about some topics that I don't you'd ever mention in the relationship. And I feel so free and at the same time I feel horrible, because it felt kinda nice, what If I made a bad decision. But I think it's for the best for both of us. Maybe in the future, someday we'll meet again and start over, as it was, because it wasn't bad, it was okay, there were no chemistry from my part and I didn't have the vibe with her, however, maybe our life will change us, so we'll become more compatible. I don't know, I hope this is how it goes, but I need also accept the reality, that probably we need some time alone, and those hopes will change forever.
I dont get over things easily... I still hold on to every person ive ever cared for... All of the way back to kindergarten... Im extremely nostalgic and my soul has a pull that wishes and hopes one day, everything with everyone can just bw beautiful.. at peace... This love for others souls regardless of anything else has kept me in situations, teetering in limbo, way after i should have walked away... So, ive learned to see what i definitely without a doubt want.... My ultimate dream... And though i know we're all human, i just simply cant live in the chaos of a relationship like I have in the past again... So... Certain distinct moral drive has to be prominent for me to be willing to keep them in my life... Instead, im focused on me and my single life... I see ebough from friends and ny own experience to remember... Most relationships turn to shit.. and its a whole lotta crazy to get there😂 I'm good... I much rather like my simple life .. ❤
Either way you have to be 100% sure about your decision. Stay or leave????How??? You apply what I call the 2 Fs: Forgive and Forget. Either way you leave your past behind you. Whatever happened cannot be changed so why cry??? The only thing we’re going to do with that is prolong our suffering but if you accept reality and let it go you have to realize there’s a bright future waiting for you. No resentment… just let it go…..Good luck ❤❤❤❤
Como saber se vale a pena salvar um relacionamento? Devo ficar ou devo ir, é uma das questões fundamentais. E o problema é o seguinte: mesmo que você decida ficar ou mesmo que eles decidam ir, você pode fazer isso e ao mesmo tempo ter uma parte de você que na verdade mantém o outro lado. Se você acha que essa decisão é 100% perfeita, sem dúvida, não hesite, então é uma armação. Se você partir, você precisa ser capaz de sair enquanto experimenta algumas coisas que podem ter sido boas, mesmo que seja apenas um sonho do que foi, se você ficar, você terá que ser capaz de lamentar a parte de você que nunca saberemos o que teria sido como se você realmente tivesse partido.
I think what she was trying to say was, you can almost never be 100% sure. My thoughts - nobody can feel what you are feeling in a relationship and nobody can decide for you, a part of you will grieve one way or another, whatever you may decide. So it's really up to an individual, there is no formula to calculate if the decision you are taking is right or wrong, only time will say.
My ex made it pretty easy to figure out that we won't ever be together again. Broke me into a million pieces in the process. The week after I moved out he went on a date with his local coffee chick who he has seen everyday for the past year or more. We were engaged to be married, together 7years... and he showed me that I am not worth shit to him. And I never was.
He is selfish in the way that he is trying to distract himself from reflecting on his loss and actually resembling a respectable and humble human being. Pretty disgusting and shallow! When someone does wrong, they feel bad and try to make themselves feel better about themsleves. That poor coffee girl! She has no idea what a shell of a man he is!
I'm going to look at this from a different angle....why doesn't anyone tell you that entering into a relationship means you're going to lose a part of you. In my experience, it seems that some men in my life never got the memo. We need to tell anyone young enough to date that when they decide to be in a relationship they will need to be told... "Grieve the part of you that would never know what it would have been like if you stayed single." Or said in their vows that they are very aware that they are giving up something!!
Idk if she answered the question, but from my experience being with someone when one of you believes or wishes to live life a different way than the other will create a rift, a point where no one wants to live a life of compromise. I think true love is having the ability to love someone despite them not being with you. Set them free for true love is freedom.
An elegant and heartbreakingly accurate way of saying “you’re fucked either way.”
HAHHAHAAHAHAHHA TOUCHÉ! With a silky resolution effect of: “so don’t you ever give that much of a fuck, cause you better focus on pistachio icecream - life then will taste better”
Muahahaha.. love that
Let me be the devil real quick. Most people eventually get over a breakup. And are happier after a while. If you stay the what if stays with you indefinitely 🤓
On the other hand, the grass isn’t always greener
Ugh, so painfully true!😢
@@sunny100294 that's until you get into a new relationship with the next person and the cycle begins once again.
You won't leave until the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving
Whoever you are, I wish you to obtain all the very good you visualised for yourself.
Thanks for your perfectly nailed thought ☀️☀️👌🏾
Thank you...
💯 Facts
Well said,
1000% true.
Reminds me of 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath:
"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor...
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest..."
There is duality in every choice we make: love/loss, relief/grief, joy/sadness. Both/and. One of the most beautiful and painful parts about being human is the finite nature of our lives ❤
Everyone deserves to live with the freedom to choose their own path.
Love it
So beautifully put
Thank you
Beautiful
Gorgeous.
She articulated it so beautifully and truthfully
She really did 😫👏🏽
But she didn’t answer the question 🙊
Question not answered!
Yeah, she didn't even answer it.
She’s like: I don’t have an answer for ya.
Be quiet...be still... breathe... then follow the guidance of your soul...it knows what to do ❤
Always ❤
That’s exactly what I did. And that gave me the courage to leave.
I feel you know what you need to do but stress, deep rooted feelings, thinking they are the person they portrayed themselves as is the hard part to get past.
Love this. So true. I will now take this amazing advice and leave.
The moment you realize that the pain of staying is gonna be bigger than the pain of leaving that's exactly the moment you end the relationship
If they bring you peace, that's all you need to save a relationship. Simple as that.
I agree. I don't like this concept of hers.
Save it, if there is peace? Not needs saving then?
Peace is a slow death
You have to experience ‘loss’ to some degree no matter what outcome you choose. ❤
I felt relief. She was doing my head in almost daily, we became completely incompatible.
Yes 👍 it’s a sure thing
The relationship as you knew it is over. The question is whether you try to build a new one with the same person…or with someone else….
Either way you are starting over…
😢💯
At least "the loss" is less than the gain. 😅
Stay to lose part of yourself, leave to lose the other person!
This❤
Separating from my husband after 25 years has been the most painful experience ever .
My first everything.
Yet sometimes you reach a point of maturity that love just doesn’t seem enough
When you desire to be real about the way you want to live
Compatiblity is so important
Without it
One cannot live authentically ❤
Have you found more compatible partner
@@rafymsr4799 not interested.
Learning to find my own equilibrium of feminine and masculine energy is my priority .
@@claudiawilliams-BEYOUwhat was your past husband missing that you needed
The biggest thing to me is how long I was going to sacrifice me and the life you wanted and give all that to someone who would never love or respect me - because they showed me that every day - love does not conquer all and some things never should have happened at all - decisions are life changing
Extremely well said ! For us it's 24 years & the emotional disconnect almost broke me 😥
Also remember, that hard times happen in every relationship, let some time pass before you just leave, unless you or someone is in danger. Give yourself time to heal before you make a decision…let God guide you!💖🙌🙏
@lombmusic07 praying to him and surrendering whatever it is to the care of God! Ask him got guidance in the area. You can also meditate or journal…really just talk to God and ask him to reveal his will!🙏
@lombmusic07by living his principles
I've been praying, asking God to guide me with this decision, but I'm still stuck in the middle. I get treated so well by my boyfriend, but I still wonder if he's the man God has for me.
@@alliyahsmith9779 I 100% relate! I said this pray so often when I first started dating my now husband. I just kept asking God to reveal to me if this was the man that I was meant to be with, well…God answered! Keep the faith, keep reaching out to God, he will guide you! You are worthy of God’s love and perfect plan for your life!
Well said! I left and have learned I was truly dying. I am a new person now with energy, vitality, and excitement for life. ❤
We are two 🙋🏽♀️👏🏽
Please share how long before you felt the new way (I am beyond miserable).
It was a process, and I trusted the process! It’s like coming off a drug addiction and forcing yourself to get well. All in all, it took me about 4 YEARS to feel normal and happy/confident. Little by little my kids and my friends noticed my vitality for life, sense of humor, and confidence returning!
I am now 7 years post separation and couldn’t be happier. 😊
@@rhondanerren4797 Thank you.
You grieve, but it doesn't take long... specially for people that are secure and know that they gave thier best and tried it all
I absolutely adore her voice, the way her bright beautiful eyes cosmically sparkle full of wisdom and knowledge..
Yes!!! I’m not crazy for being double minded. Thank you.
Same here..
And same here.
Losing my mind for the past 3 years.
To stay makes healing much more difficult and takes longer than leaving. It is very brave of someone to stay because it is much more challenging...
No, I dont think so
Yes I agree, at times it can be great u can be the happiness person alive wit your partner still by your side, but then the feeling of the betrayal will always be in the back your head wondering if u can truest again which then slowly you’ll start to lose yourself. It sucks 😅
People stay because they are weak.
This very thought process helped me cut my ex completely off. I knew it would be greater regret to stay then leave.
Yes I'm a week away from my get up and go day!!
lol normally we hold up until it takes your health down maybe you start binge eating, skin picking… depression and then you’ll know what is the root and how to end them. It’s almost like having a tumor removed. And once you end it is only blessings since you recover your health and there’s no more wondering 🙌
Hi ,I’d love to use one of your picture to be the face of my artwork project and you will be getting credit for this and you will totally get paid for it.
Now I know, why many months after leaving my boyfriend I still miss parts of him while at the same time I realize that this relationship was toxic and not good for me at all. Man, that is a great explanation! Thank you 👏👏
I’m having trouble seeing what the loss is in staying and it ending up being a beautiful relationship. I think a third option is you go and if it’s meant to be it will come back. Don’t stay or go, just be. The universe will guide you
That's what I had to do... I let him go not because I didn't love him but because I wanted him to heal and find peace & I also told him I need to heal & find peace. You have to make peace with both of your choices
@@shantaywicklander4773yea we need to just stop forcing shit freal, what’s meant to be will be 💯
Jay & Esther are speaking about individuals who are suffering enough issues in their relationship that it would take a lot of work to make “a beautiful relationship”. And when you do the work, you don’t know if it’ll work out.
No one just stays in a troubled relationship & it morphs of its own accord into smthg beautiful.
And if the relationship is already beautiful, the individuals within it won’t wrestle with the dilemma of staying or leaving.
I left my marriage of 28 years. I took 18 months to get up the courage. There was no part of me that held on. My decision WAS 💯 perfect. I'm unattached, meeting new people and excited about what lies ahead. 💖🐾🐦✨🎁
2 steps behind you!!
Was there a straw that broke? Or just time? If u don’t mind me asking 💞 so happy you’re choosing you.
@dannellecarroll Thank you for asking. ✨🐦He gave me the silent treatment for those 18 months. From mid-2018. I trained myself to not talk at home. Our kids had left home to work/study. There was silence at home or he was nasty to me. Locked me out of the house. Hid all the keys to the outside, except the front door. Called me a f*cking parasite.
At the end of 2019, I took my eldest daughter's advice and planned to leave. And then divorced him. 💖💖💖
@@jennifere4641 Oh sweet friend I am so so sorry this happened to you. You are so right for choosing you! 💞 I’m so happy you got away from that situation! ✨❤️
Every body is carrying baggage.
This is so helpful. I realised listening to her that the fear of not knowing what could have been outweighed my fear of grieving the loss
What did you end up doing?
@@Squabblehead I left.
In just the last 6 months I’ve lived so much life. I’ve seen 10 new countries. I’ve performed in a show for the first time in years. I’ve got back to having some self care and prioritising me. And most importantly I’ve let go (never thought I’d say this) I’ve let go of the sense of responsibility and guilt I feel about my ex and his future or his own decisions. I am only in charge of my own life.
I don’t look back in sadness or anger. I look back and smile at the good times and the learning and the memories. It wasn’t a waste
This is a wonderful demonstration of the life of an individual who has lived with a narcissistic or even just had a relationship. I love the way she highlights the effects of the decision making process. It’s what every therapist should be brave enough to share! It’s not their lives or their decisions. What a therapist needs to give you is the honest truth. There are consequences for leaving and staying. There are wins for leaving (unfortunately not so much if you stay). What are you willing to gain and lose? Both are important to consider. Ponder that! (Standard of living, home/money/cars) family; friends; health; emotions ; safety; respect ; self-esteem; dreams; future; and so much more)!
One of the hardest things for me was aging and saying to myself is this what I want to be the purpose of my life-it had been nothing short of a ´human sacrifice’ for things that pass away. What were my children learning from me? Will he eventually almost ki11 me or actually ki11 me or harm me and not even take care of me? Yes? I actually almost di@d! Will you???
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Very insightful. I hope you have found greater peace and happiness.
Great advice.💯♥️
But I love my peace being alone is a blessing not having to deal with someone else.💯♥️😇
I did like the rest of her answer (not in the video) because essentially you need to be sure you don’t value what you’re losing more than what you’re sure you already have.
I left when I was fed up and I never looked back, I never regretted. Fully worthy.
So true . If you stay you have to grieve a part of you
Really? Well, I never felt that.
I’ve felt this and told myself this but couldn’t articulate as gracefully as she did. So very true. That’s why it takes people so long to actually leave a relationship.
Grief in staying...is grief for what doesn't work and what could be if you leave.
I love Esther Perel! She leaves no stone unturned! But she turns each one over with such care and inquisitive interest to find the truth. I so enjoy watching how she thinks.
always leave a toxic person always always always human never change
This woman is so authentic and deep and real.
From experience, she is 100% correct…Im very 😊 with my decision. So many wonderful experiences and counting due to the decision.
She's so correct.
I was in a relationship that was abusive. I stayed with hope until he got physical.
Even had hope, but the fear of harm and damage to trust and harm to my children were all too much to ignore anymore.
I still wanted to work through things, but I decided to embrace reality rather than the future i was hoping for.
@elsh332
🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
You did great! Congratulations!!! You are very brave but both you AND your children will thank you later!!!!❤❤❤
It took me two years to solidify my decision because I kept thinking it was me and that I had all these things to fix. That the problems were usually my fault. Turns out he was just being manipulative and lying to me. I’m in no way perfect, but I know I tried my hardest. Went to therapy, looked up ways to be a better partner, tried to make sure he felt heard/supported/loved, did special things just because etc. Turns out he was just taking advantage of me and was doing terrible things behind my back. Never again.
My story mirrors yours. Even the two year time frame. Please share how long before you felt better after leaving.
@@tredd9019 Well I just passed a year since I moved out and I’m doing much better. I’ve lost 40lbs, learned a new language and got accepted into a nursing program. I’m still healing from his mind games, but I’d say I took full advantage of being free since I left. Focus on going THROUGH it and not pacifying it with something else and in the end you’ll thank yourself. I’m thankful it happened only because it taught me a lot about myself and I’m stronger than ever. I can use my experience to help see the signs and provide support for others going through similar issues when I’m in my new career. My only thought about him nowadays is that I hope he falls in love with someone as hard as I did for him and she hurts him like he did to me. Karma will be a bitch when it bites him in the ass. Improving yourself and proving to yourself (and everybody else) that you can rise above is the best revenge yet. I can’t wait for 2 years from now when I’m making $100k+ a year and he will be an even more distant memory. I hope some of this info helps. Best wishes to you and your healing journey ❤️
Good grief, so beautifully put. I left and am grieving what could have been.
What a BEAUTIFUL woman God created for us to learn from ❤
Beautifully said, “A dream of once was…”
Yes. And for women in particular it's often the Dream of what the relationship Could be / Might have been - if he would just do this ..or just stop doing that thing. Giving up the dream or hope of something different / better can be harder to walk away from than the reality of what you are compromising so much of yourself to 'Live With'. Usually because there was so much emotional Investment In. That Dream.
You pretty much summed up the elephant in my room. The room I keep the lights off and stay on the other side of house.
Sometimes you have a doubt to go or not ,,but in evrything i trust Gods timing and process!❤❤❤
Relations are built on trust. Never violate it folks ❤
Wow. Thats some deep stuff right there.
100%, but absolutely true
Right?!
You have to be able to feel you can’t escape the feel! Be happy. To feel is to be alive and to be alive is to have a chance. To have a chance is to be able to try something different. To try something different is to learn. To learn is to grow. To grow is part of life’s lesson. Life is beautiful, you have to just see it for what it is and what it is a series of lessons. Some lessons feel harder than others. I shall sound cliche what doesn’t kill you makes you wiser aka stronger. Stronger to not make the same mistake and to believe and trust yourself. Don’t be afraid of change. Change is good specially if you’ve been stranding still due to fear. If you’re craving and or needing change. You must first make the change in you.
So true this pertains to everything not just relationships
Hello
How are you doing today
This is so true. Loss of a long term marriage is worse than bereavement IMO... No one understands your grief. Grief support groups are just for the widowed... 😢
Therapy groups do contain divorced individuals & in the ones I’ve attended, there’s acknowledgment that the loss can be as great as bereavement
How are you doing today
@@DanielFred-qg9lf I'm ok, healing ❤️🩹
I love Esther! She’s always so eloquent
That’s pretty convoluted.
If you want to leave, focus on moving forward and have enough money to support yourself. Don’t get hung up on the idea of what could have been.
Staying is fine untill it starts to kill your soul 🥺❤
She said it beautifully, Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I always feel is the scariest, toughest, decision one can make. Especially because you wouldn’t wanna leave and have the need to come back later
Not everyone can help carry your torch and vice versa. . . When the bad starts to outweigh the good, that's when you decide. You both will most likely move on to better matched partners. That is just life, unfortunately. And it is all okay at the same time! ❤❤❤
That point about not reacting to reality…but instead what you created in your head. I am constantly guilty of this! I want to fix it so much.
Now I would love to listen to a long format discussion between Esther Perel and Ellen Langer.
The moment the relationship is questioned about whether to stay or go is a good indication that it's likely time to go imo !!!
Reminded me of the beautiful film, The Bridges of Maddison County. 😭💚
This resonates with me. A year ago my ex and I broke up as friends after 5 years. It was the right decision for me. However it was also hard and there are many things I still appreciate about him and our shared time together, and sometimes I'm sad that it didn't work out.
Me too. It's a conflicting feeling
I hear you ❤ it must be difficult what you went through
Mine 13 years. Very painful.
Everything is a relationship. Grieving leaving a country, a community, old environment, friends, cousins... Life does not revolve around male female relationship only. Esther Perel of all people certainly would not disagree.
I think this is why I have struggled so much to stay with a wonderful partner but not in my home country. It’s the loss of everything else that has broken me
Beautiful put and very...very true.
Wise woman with an exceptional view on life and relationships 🇿🇦
Esther Perel s the definition of beautiful, brilhant and also senstive, gorgeous.
I just recently left a relationship that I was growing increasingly sad in. Depression. The pain of staying was worse and the only thing that kept me there was the fear of having to go through the process of leaving. I have finally once again found my peace in a man I should have never allowed myself to lose a few years ago, as we reunited and reconciled and are trying again. I was a better version of me with him than I was with anyone else.
Man oh man is this big for me. The eclipse is conjunct my north node at the same time Pluto is square my natal Chiron. All month i've been healing and claiming my self worth, healing the lineage, and powering up to leave a very unhealthy relationship/power dynamic that has left me with cptsd. Looks like after the eclipse my real world will really start to shift. Looking forward to it, but also . . . It's gonna be hard. Know your worth, my friends, as deeply and truly as you can. Claim it. Life is so much better when we aren't letting other people stand in where our own power should reign supreme.
As the old adage goes: " The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross, and which bridge to burn."
She is my absolute favorite relationship advisor ❤
I felt that. Also think what’s is more unbearable, grieving the part of you what could it have been if you left , or grieving the loss, then you will have your answer.
I say try and try until you’re truly done. if the person doesn’t change eventually you get tired. it’s inevitable. but losing time is the price you pay to not have regret. or you can end it after the first offence and never turn back. the price you pay for safety is the unknown, that game is for high self esteem only.
From my experience, once you start fighting to revive a relationship, that means it's already dead. By fighting to save it, you put it on life support. You are keeping it alive by a scanner and machines. Pull the plug.
Loved this episode and a ultra follower of Esther Perel’s work. She’s the best at it. ❤️🙌🏻
Leaving allowed me to get out of the fog and see all the things that I thought were good for what they really were. There was no set up …..happy 💯.I actually felt like the first time wore prescription glasses…the light ..the true colours, now I could now see properly
I'm done grieving. Ten Years Over. I got Redemption 2023. Your set up had been greatesr help accomplished. I Am at my Peace ,I had never been since 2001.
Sometimes you’ll know you are ready to end the relationship when you are no longer upset with them. You have a sort of breakthrough and kind of snap out of it and decide that it’s no longer a healthy relationship/friendship.
Very cool video A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. My soulmate made the decision to walk away from me, and even though I've done everything in my power to get him back, I can't help but feel disappointed because I can't see my life with anyone else. I want to say that I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I simply can't. I miss him so much and I don't know why I'm saying this here.
I learnt the hard way that saying goodbye to someone you love is difficult when a 12-year relationship ends. But I was unable to let him go, so I made every effort to get him back. I eventually sought aid from a spiritual counsellor, and he was able to assist me in getting him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
the scorpio reading was everything I needed. I resonate with all of it.
Oh my goodness. THIS is why i miss your podcast so much! 🥹🤍🤍
This women is gold!!
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Akunna, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is Father Akunna, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive ❤️
I just broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. It feels weird as we have some circumstances when we can't live alone, but together. So, at first be both were crying, but today we talked about it a lot, about the relationship, about the reasons, about some topics that I don't you'd ever mention in the relationship. And I feel so free and at the same time I feel horrible, because it felt kinda nice, what If I made a bad decision.
But I think it's for the best for both of us. Maybe in the future, someday we'll meet again and start over, as it was, because it wasn't bad, it was okay, there were no chemistry from my part and I didn't have the vibe with her, however, maybe our life will change us, so we'll become more compatible. I don't know, I hope this is how it goes, but I need also accept the reality, that probably we need some time alone, and those hopes will change forever.
oh my god. she is so wise. ♡
Dr Pwrel
Always a beautifull presence
And toughthfull advice
She just spoke wisdom.
I dont get over things easily... I still hold on to every person ive ever cared for... All of the way back to kindergarten... Im extremely nostalgic and my soul has a pull that wishes and hopes one day, everything with everyone can just bw beautiful.. at peace... This love for others souls regardless of anything else has kept me in situations, teetering in limbo, way after i should have walked away... So, ive learned to see what i definitely without a doubt want.... My ultimate dream... And though i know we're all human, i just simply cant live in the chaos of a relationship like I have in the past again... So... Certain distinct moral drive has to be prominent for me to be willing to keep them in my life... Instead, im focused on me and my single life... I see ebough from friends and ny own experience to remember... Most relationships turn to shit.. and its a whole lotta crazy to get there😂 I'm good... I much rather like my simple life .. ❤
Either way you have to be 100% sure about your decision. Stay or leave????How??? You apply what I call the 2 Fs:
Forgive and Forget.
Either way you leave your past behind you. Whatever happened cannot be changed so why cry???
The only thing we’re going to do with that is prolong our suffering but if you accept reality and let it go you have to realize there’s a bright future waiting for you. No resentment… just let it go…..Good luck ❤❤❤❤
Stay if your happy. Leave if your not. Don't Stay hoping and praying things will get better. ❤
Wow! So brutally honest and true.
"100% no doubt, 100% no hesitation is a set up"
This hits so hard. ngl
In other words, regardless you must make a decision and live with it.
Como saber se vale a pena salvar um relacionamento? Devo ficar ou devo ir, é uma das questões fundamentais. E o problema é o seguinte: mesmo que você decida ficar ou mesmo que eles decidam ir, você pode fazer isso e ao mesmo tempo ter uma parte de você que na verdade mantém o outro lado. Se você acha que essa decisão é 100% perfeita, sem dúvida, não hesite, então é uma armação. Se você partir, você precisa ser capaz de sair enquanto experimenta algumas coisas que podem ter sido boas, mesmo que seja apenas um sonho do que foi, se você ficar, você terá que ser capaz de lamentar a parte de você que nunca saberemos o que teria sido como se você realmente tivesse partido.
So true, so real and answers the question so precisely.
Woooow one of the explanations I have heard. I would love to listen to the whole podcast.
She is so wise!
Is it just me or does anyone else feel like she didn’t actually answer the question in this short? 🤔
I suppose I’ll have to watch the whole thing now.
Hahaha, you are correct. I did not notice that she did not answer the question. My attention was on what she was saying.
I felt the same way. I feel like it was open to our own interpretation.
I think what she was trying to say was, you can almost never be 100% sure. My thoughts - nobody can feel what you are feeling in a relationship and nobody can decide for you, a part of you will grieve one way or another, whatever you may decide. So it's really up to an individual, there is no formula to calculate if the decision you are taking is right or wrong, only time will say.
@@Dragonfly5_ thank you! That was a much clearer way of putting it.
@@courtneye.3276 you are welcome 🙂
She’s so marvelous!!!!
Profound n Powerful. Truth spoken
My ex made it pretty easy to figure out that we won't ever be together again. Broke me into a million pieces in the process.
The week after I moved out he went on a date with his local coffee chick who he has seen everyday for the past year or more.
We were engaged to be married, together 7years... and he showed me that I am not worth shit to him. And I never was.
He is selfish in the way that he is trying to distract himself from reflecting on his loss and actually resembling a respectable and humble human being. Pretty disgusting and shallow! When someone does wrong, they feel bad and try to make themselves feel better about themsleves. That poor coffee girl! She has no idea what a shell of a man he is!
My worst fear was being someone in a TH-cam comment section saying I left after 25 years. I left the 1st year. That MF got worse. No regrets. 😊
It was 100 no hesitation for me and then i had peace 😊
I'm going to look at this from a different angle....why doesn't anyone tell you that entering into a relationship means you're going to lose a part of you. In my experience, it seems that some men in my life never got the memo. We need to tell anyone young enough to date that when they decide to be in a relationship they will need to be told... "Grieve the part of you that would never know what it would have been like if you stayed single." Or said in their vows that they are very aware that they are giving up something!!
TRUE!!
When I imagine losing a great deal of my “peace of mind”, I realized it was best to go.
Yup lose myself or lose the other person
Thank you so much. I needed those words right now 🙏
Idk if she answered the question, but from my experience being with someone when one of you believes or wishes to live life a different way than the other will create a rift, a point where no one wants to live a life of compromise. I think true love is having the ability to love someone despite them not being with you. Set them free for true love is freedom.
He's a true spiritually awoke man He's a lightworker if you know you know only spiritual ppl will get it