After 20 years of trying to talk to my now ex husband about anything and everything… I finally realized (learned) that whenever I was talking to him he was tuned out completely… he would take a few words out of the conversation I was having with him and construct his own version of the conversation, which was never even close to what I was talking about at all… and he would then proceed to accuse me of the made up nonsense he created in his mind. He truly believes the lies he tells himself, and he expects that I conform to his twisted beliefs… he won’t and can’t listen to anyone other than the voices in his own head.
@@Gill12283 they don't listen at all. I've not had a single one out of all the ones I've had and still have in my life that listened to what I say not a single one. It's like it goes through a filter of their own making. My elderly mom has now started forgetting big time so it became glaringly obvious that whatever I say she says the EXACT opposite. One incident was a repeat 3 times when she got the hump but each identical time she said the opposite but each time she was right! She is now incapable of covering up so it's worse
This sounds about how each of my conversations go with him it's so frustrating especially when I accuse him of not listening to me he swears he heard every word but please don't ask him to paraphrase what I just said I promise you apparently he's dealing with a lot of static that affects his hearing bc he missed everything I said . The groups help me so much , thank you dr.c and team heathy. I'm on a healing of the soul bc this mess is real
Now I have reversed the no talking too him, omg he can’t stand it and said, I guess I should leave. Lol He owns the home and I am his partner for 20 years and it’s been so difficult. I don’t have many assets since I’m sick and a 62 year old woman on disability. It’s pure HELL, but I’m giving him his own medicine and he doesn’t like it😅.
My ex would say I didn’t communicate well so I would carefully measure my words but in his eyes unless I was affirming him he took most conversation as criticism. So he shut down anything coming from me but he was allowed to say whatever he NEEDED to share what was negative towards me & how I needed to improve my talking!! Crazy making!!! Glad I’m out of the madness. Now I’m dealing with a sister who’s just like him!! Thank you for the support.
Carla I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I grew up with a younger brother Who turned out to be a narcisist so I can feel your pain. Glad you were able to break free of this person.
It’s time to “Detach emotionally” from your sister too and definitely lower your expectations because that situation is not going to change either …or better go no contact ..you don’t need her negativity..she’s a waste of your time..consider pouring that time into yourself and things that you can and will enjoy
SMH- covert narcissism is real. I have never had anyone comment and say half my marriage in one paragraph. It was difficult to explain and frustrating. Now that I know so much about narcissism it’s not difficult to explain at all.
Ex was critical of nearly everything I said, so I ended up saying very little in hopes of not setting him off. He then gloated in accusing me of being passive aggressive. I found him describing me to others as passive aggressive and borderline. I was not borderline either. He used it to hide his abusive tactics from others, and it mostly worked with those who didn’t see his true colors. Looking back, I believe he liked the way my hesitancy transferred to others I didn’t know well. What tops the list was he justified an affair because I 'didn't validate' him!
1) NO communication and Heaven forbid if I EVER can have a rational adult conversation. 2) NO matter what I'm the one who is 300% the problem. 3) I'm only allowed to be what they allow me to be. 4) My only saving grace is my relationship with God. 5) I don't feel at all appreciated nor loved or valued in my my marriage. About sums it up
That sums it up, they're all like that unfortunately. I told my mom to stop telling me what to think and feel. They have zero patience to listen or interact in any way that doesn't fit their requirements
My daughter has been married to a narcissist for 20+ years. They have 2 children. I’ve been desperate to help her. Her life has been miserable. She’s lost herself. At times, I’ve been on the receiving end of his torture. When I insert myself I get into big trouble. I’m referring her to you, but she has to be discreet. He monitors everything she does. Thanks to you and your colleagues I’m finally able to identify the problem.
If your daughter’ s husband drinks, recommend she goes to Alanon 12 step program. There she will find support. This how my daughter after 20+ years of marriage, was able to recognize whom is she married to. She succeeded in separating with their 2 children. This is hard to do. She had therapist snd 2 sponsors to guide her in this difficult process. My heart goes out to you. ❤
@ Penny my sister was on the receiving end of torture and smear campaign when she tried to help and support with the malignant narc I was married to. He was so cruel and mean to her. He tried to put a device in my phone so that he could listen to my conversations with my family. He is twisted and really paranoid. Be careful as they watch and observe everything. I don't want to scare you but I was rather niave and I didn't know he was narc at that time. I wish you and your daughter safety and peace.
@@pennysobczyk6201 you are good mom. When I left my abusive ex I told my elderly mom that I missed them (was struggling with not having them around), she told me to go back to them. What mom tells their child to go back to an abuser. You're a loving mother ✌
Controllers think you’re being controlling by setting and keeping boundaries for yourself. Saying, “ I don’t want to walk on eggshells”, while you’re not trying to control anyone else but simply live your life without the unneeded chaos/mental emotional abuse. Oh man, I’d love the silent treatment.
This channel is so helpful to me!! I have some highly narcissistic parents, a narcissistic sibling and also a lot of dysfunction in my husband’s family. I’ve been in therapy for many years hoping that I could fix everything. I am at a point in my recovery where I’m accepting the reality of my own limitations in changing entrenched narcissistic systems. I am learning to find my own identity outside of their expectations and demands. I still have my family in my life, and I am learning to set healthy boundaries. This channel is perfect for me.
The only time I sorta got through to the covert narc was when I had come across a letter he had written back 20-30 years ago. I read it again with knowledge of narcissism this time and it said that I made him happy and he went on to say that I was his only source of happiness. I was telling him recently about the letter and I told him that it wasn't fair to me to be so depended on for someone's happiness because then I was so busy trying to keep him happy and the kids happy, who was going to make me happy? I told him we were to get our happiness from our relationship to GOD and life and then we bring that happiness to each other and our family. Also told him he expected so much from me for his happiness that then he'd get mad and give silent treatment if his happiness wasn't met. I told him that was just too much and I needed to leave.
They rewrite everything to fit their need in the moment. Mine 30 years ago was horrible about my new partner (they turned out to be a disaster because of course they were toxic and as we know grow up in toxic, partner with toxic), intrusive rude questions, no show of happiness for me even though I'd had a few very bad years. Only a few months ago they claimed how happy they were for me and wanted the best and a great loving partner because they cared so much! They were horrible to me about my new partner. Total rewrite
It is so hard to stand in one's center self when dealing with a narc.... especially when it stems from birth family.... thank you Dr C for the information you bring to light. ❤
Question: Do overt narcissists like to force square pegs down a round hole as a mode of operation? Or in other words "you're going to do this for me and you're gonna like it"? I get that from my father in law a lot, he's overt, and unfortunately my dad is a covert narcissist. I thank God my wife and I are on team healthy dealing with this and so very thankful we found your channel. Thank you Dr Carter.
Imo yes. When I got my new home I was excited to do it up how I wanted as I'd never had my own place. My father waded in and sucker all joy out by telling me how I MUST do think do that. I needed his help so I had to go along. Completely joyless. Now I live in a tip because I refuse to ask for help and can't afford to pay for the works. It's their way or the highway then they pat themselves on the back as you then have to thank them!
I remember being very upset once as a kid and telling my mother "You're nice to everyone else except us!" Her reply..."We'll I don't have to deal with them on a daily basis." 😞 Messed up, right.
Do they know they're pretending to be something they're not? Do they know that they're exploiting others and being cruel? Their secrecy and different stories for different people indicate that they do know, but they seem to believe their own stories?
They know what they are doing wrong, which is why they hide their misdeeds, but Gaslight themselves in believing they are/were justified in doing it. I learned this through Dr. Ramani and a few others. Plus, I saw it with my own NM.
Thank you Dr C for that 3 years of your videos on Narcissism and has helped me tremendously to deal with my husband I’m slowly setting boundaries and giving me a sense of freedom about myself and realizing I have been brainwashed these 40 years 🤗
That has to be the comment of the day!!!! Empathy feels to the recipient, understanding and kind and validating and comforting and settling.their faux sympathy feels like they're pitying me!! I don't want pity or useless faux sympathy. I want warmth and connection, to give it and receive it without a bill at the end or any expectation. Nobody owes me whenim kind. Sad but true story, growing up I connected to our family dogs because they were the ones who were protective of me and gave unconditional love. My mom was jealous when we watched tv if I cried over a dog in a show! She even brought it up a few months ago.
Long before finding this excellent work, I quit gradually. He got so mad at me, he said that I listen to him, but then went ahead and did what I wanted! Well, sure, I do not choose to argue or plead. It did not, just did not compute. I earned the household income, paid the mortgage and for the food and expenses, while he sat around and carped. And somehow it made sense to him.
I needed this! How to react to friends and relatives who have heard all the lies…just live my life as best I can, for me that means Trust God and do good, and let people believe whatever it is they believe🤷♀️🙏🏻✝️
Thank God for Dr. C & Team Healthy! Y'all are always here when I have need. I had a good mentor who suggested that "loose ends be tied up". He meant that it's healthy to discuss or even say goodbye when others aren't a good fit for us. More and more, I encounter passive-aggressiveness from people. They make assumptions, deem them to be "truth" and shut us out without a word. So bad for their subconscious...which cannot be fooled. Thank you all SO much!
Having watched you for a while now Dr Carter, I have to say your description of who you are fits with what many of us have seen in your help to us in Team Healthy. I feel trust, safe and protected with you leading us through our journey. You Dr.Carter make many of us feel like we have a truly trusted friendship with you and little Gus. God bless you and your family
Life is difficult enough without having to survive narcissistic abuse. When I was separating from my narcissistic husband, I had people offer me counseling for “ when we get back together following the separation “ and this was in the courthouse after a domestic abuse situation. I remember responding to the offer as “ not thank you! I’m getting away from him! I Don want to b counseled back in to a terrible situation!” Narcissist are not worth my time or suffering!
Jean-Paul Sartre (sp?)... he wrote the essay in the 18th century, called 'Freedom IS Responsibility '. Changed my ideas at 17. Some folks should read, and get that wisdom, today. (Especially when waving exploding 'flag poles' in malls and schools. One's freedom does not have the right, to take another's, life.) Thank you Dr. as always.
I couldn’t help but laugh because this made me think of my brother’s antics. Yeah I’ll stick with ABC and he would be CBA. I play games to bond with people and for fun not always to win though I put forth my best effort. He plays games to tinker with other people’s psyche and to make the process as miserable as possible to see if people will “tap out”. After awhile it’s like “Hey you want to play games” and I’m like “Not with you dude” lololol 😂
For a person with such malleable boundaries, the notion that they come from my own self-definition is quite helpful. The more I watch you, the more I wish to commit to D.R.C.
Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. Live in Peace to all of you. What you see is just what you will get. After so many years in this relationship I have learrned to stay true to myself and live and let live. I don't play the games any more either. I say let no one define you because you should define yourself by the person that you are. Thank you so much Dr. Carter for a great Midweek video.
I am watching an elderly family (non-related to myself) member with severe dementia and I see her "normal" 59yo child with same traits, but they are not diagnosed with any problems and they have had these similar traits since I've known them for past 26years. I have seen recent news where researchers are making connections between being a negative and critical person (aka narc) with dementia later in life.
Out of her sheer frustration at the peace in my life that has enabled me to be objective when we speak; she called me a covert; and far worse than her overt (and diagnosed) malignant dad. I took it in stride; not defending b/c she just wanted another branch of attack. I have no need to control nor correct her. I just have the means and mindset to control how much of me she has access to. That is on me.
My husband not only has NPD, but Parkinsons. The combination is brutal. He has a deep brain stimulus device to boot. His frustration and anger, which I understand to a point, are beyond his ability to handle. Along with an unusual upbringing, I am dealing with a complicated combination! How do medications and DBS effect his Narcissism?
I’ve been so grateful for your videos Dr.C. I never knew what my problem was within my ‘family of origin’ and since learning over a year ago I began to love myself and let go of their controlling abusive destructive behaviour. I never fit in with any of them , felt like the outsider and black sheep my entire life. Well I now see that as a HUGE blessing . People who knew our family growing up think they’re the ‘best family ‘ or ‘such a close knit family’ Truth is they’re so close knit because they completely rely on each other , validate their actions as a corrupt family system. I’m so glad I’m finally out and am in zero contact . They think they’re teaching me a tough love lesson , 😂😂 jokes on them!!!!😂 Would love you to talk more about inside corrupt family systems.🙏🏻💕
Yep, ABSOLUTE control issues! Force, fraud & cohersion..smh Provoke & then "PLAY the victim", while Accusing you that "you're the problem", because you're NOT "ACTING RIGHT", when ALL THEY DO IS ACT🤪 They have NO Transparency 😇
"You think I'm a narcissist? Hmm. That's interesting. I've been learning about that trait for the last couple of years. Y'know what the best way is to deal with a narcissist? Ignore them. Sever them from your life. Don't think about them, don't talk about them, act as if they don't exist. Because you're better off without them. I'll have to learn to get along..."
I find alot of comfort and reassurance from these vids. I live next door to my narcissistic grandmother. She keeps me on edge constantly. I cannot ha e ANY conversations with her. She stops me, if she sees me outside, to tell me some very important thing or ask a question. Usually its somehow trying to convince me that she ISNT doing what she's doing. She keeps me confused. I cant even explain it honest which makes me question myself and makes it hard to convey the situation to other people!
Over the last few years a couple of people we know have made the comment to me, "Your husband REALLY loves you!" If they only knew how he really treats me, like I am a thorn in his side, a problem that has to be either delt with or shoved aside. Every time someone says that to me I get a knot in my stomach and feel like throwing up!
Thank you for your live...... recently, "let go" of CN! I am focusing on my self. Appreciate and Dr. R these last couple of days. I finally "get it" !!🎉 After years of allowing abuse. I can now heal❤
I work with a lady who is highly narcissistic. She loves to fill in the blank and draw her own conclusions based on her "feelings." For example. I casually mentioned to her that I haven't made meatballs in a while because I haven't had time. Her response to me was, "You haven't made meatballs because you're too busy on your phone all weekend. So, I said to her, "How do you know what I do outside of this office? Are you in my house? Her response was " because you're always on your phone, that's all you do." I did not respond to her because it's pointless. Not that it's anyone's business but unlike her, I work 5 days a week, she only works 3 days a week. I also take vocal lessons on Saturdays and Sunday and I'm heavily involved in my church choir. I didn't tell her this because it's NONE OF HER BUSINESS!!! This is probably the biggest problem with regard to narcissists and their relationships. They constantly throw stones at people and come to inaccurate conclusions based on "feelings" without any evidence whatsoever. By the way, I am on my cell phone a lot at work because I have to communicate with my boss since he is unable to come to the phone (we don't have the same boss). I don't know how many times I have told this woman to mind her business. One time she said to me "you never have anything to say" I just responded with, I have nothing to say. She cannot stand me because I'm not on board with slandering and gossiping about my coworkers.
He knew I had enough of his raging, he tried to control me that way. Finally, I would leave the room. He would be infuriated! I even locked myself in a room to escape his Rath. One day, when this happened he stayed in the kitchen fuming and then came into the office and slammed me against the file cabinet and fought to haul me to the ground. I had a reverse shoulder surgery 6 weeks prior! I knew then I needed to leave but I couldn't even drive.
OK, we who listen to this and read these posts hear a lot of negativity, and about s lot of negative people. This isnt a critique; it's just the nature of the beast. So now for some amelioration. Time to let a saint's light shine. A year ago last November my sister-in-law passed away. She and her husband Paul had long watched over my mother-in-law. It was Paul who broke the news to her. Imagine the pain of being proceeded by a beloved child in death. I hope most of us will never know this pain first hand. Being a tender hearted lady, she felt this very deeply. Her response: "Oh no! Oh no. ..... How are you doing, Paul?" The most painful, traumatic moment in her life, and within seconds her thoughts turned to concern for the emotional well being of another. And this wasn't just how she acted in the moment. This was who and what she was. Two weeks later she too passed through the veil. I often wish she had passed first so she would not have gone through this. But i think God needed her light to shine as an example one last time.
Firmly believe they know exactly what they do and say. They twist, deflect, deny, lie with inttent. Conniving people , believe they can lie and cheat and hurt people and get away with it. Very annoying and hateful people.
This was another great discussion, Dr. C! Thank you for including our questions in your talks, because most of us have similar questions or experiences, whether we were aware of them or not.
Thank you so much for creating these videos...I have been brought-up with 4 narcissistic personalities...then even made friends who were narcissistic...then married a channelled aggressive person...my siblings almost destroyed my life to the point of no turning back, but I survived and now after 30 years of their abuse I realised that walking away would be the only way to not be used as power source for them...I am scapegoat child...then I have walked away finally from my narcissistic best friend...now I am left with almost no close friend or family...but I do have some sort of peace...I need to reinvente myself...but ofcourse that is neither easy with channelled aggressive hubby...I really want to attract decent ppl...I wonder why I end-up fuelling narcissistic in relations...your videos helped but I know...I need to keep working on myself...
If they want to give you the silent treatment, DON'T REACT OR SHOW ANY EMOTION. About all you can do is just be respectful of them and enjoy the silent. Silent treatment is so immature, especially in the context of something as sacred as a marriage.
What defines me.. I would say that it takes discernment on my part in regards to people who think differently than I do.. There are some core values there that are NOT negotiable.. Before we even get into the questions.. Forgive but not forget stands out to me.. Forgiveness means to me that I give them to their Higher Power..
2. boundaries.. this is weird but this is where i can learn something from them.. not to the degree where they are but to a degree.. i have to ask myself.. is this the hill i want to die on.. pick my boundaries/battles.. the other part of this is that i am separate from them.. self-differentiation..
I love your teachings and the loving way you are talking and treating your audience. I am a therapist and still practicing on how to be better every day. You have been helpful to me and my clients.
Dr. C, I have subscribed, hit the like button and rang the bell LONG AGO. I listen to you to reinforce my personal counseling, remind me to be on Team Healthy, and LEARN! Your voice is soothing to me, (I'm in southern Missouri). This channel grounds me. Counseling gave me back my life and I'm so grateful for your profession. Thank you for showing the path to healing. ❤️
"We are what we choose to become," wrote C.J. Jung. Four things define Dr. C: That is to say, he wishes to be * a person of love. * known for his commitment to freedom. * known for his value of inclusion. * known for his value of affirmation.
Home and watched with Top Chat. So many chats I wish I could've replied to if I'd been here. Well if any come up in comments..... If I could joke about me missing, I'd say they did a brain scan and found nothing.
Before I was devorced I had silent treatment for 2 years I got home one day I didn't say a word and I had a really bad day at work she took one look at and said that's it I was havn a good day then took off didn't see her for a week
Listening to this makes me feel like the worlds worst person. I have struggled to speak with my partner due to me having a major breakdown after 40yrs. It didn’t help that a few months prior he asked me to stop speaking with him as I have no idea about what I’m talking about apparently. He also asked me to stop sending him texted messages or emails as he didn’t have the time in the day to read ,them. Then I got Covid and he didn’t both to assist myself whilst I tried battle my way through being bed ridden and exhausted. Hence my breakdown. I have been told in therapy it’s from exhaustion, ptsd and .other factors and day by day I am getting strong. However I will only speak with him out of necessity. I realise this can’t go on but my non speaking with him is also my self preservation. I need to get myself well before making any major changes as at this point in time I am just numb! I loved him with all my heart but now I feel nothing. Will ever stop being the bad person and be able to speak with him again?
In my case they become vindictive and take their anger out on you personally or your property, especially if you have to see them and deal with them daily. I hope this doesn’t happen to you because it’s awful.
I explain the difference between grey rock and the silent treatment thusly: If you’ve ever been given “the silent treatment,” you KNOW it. Filled with passive-aggressive behavior, there’s slamming doors, furious glares, mournful sighs. Grey reck is quiet, dismissive ambivalence. Silent treatment is used to control, grey rock is used to escape. If you use silent treatment toward them, they’ll likely double down and escalate to win. Grey rock is therefore better when dealing with a narcissist.
An excellent mid week review I learned a lot Great information from Dr Carter One of my favorite mid week reviews Dr Carter is a blessing Great questions asked Thank you
My ex NPD discarded me, then after months of education I see the severe abuse, trauma bond, lies. How do I stop self loathing and desire to out him for all the lies and awful things he did. Lie, cheat, control, gas light, go out if his way to lie and use me physically, financially, and purposely exposed me to Covid for 5 days not telling me he was positive, I ended up in icu 11days & perm pulm fibrosis now. I’m angry he gets to lie and get away with discard and plugging someone else in, in days, after a 2 year relationship and engagement. I want the truth known, and for him to know I “know” the truth about him now.
The rest of us totally understand and most of us also feel the same way about outing the narcissist…I went through a similar experience…he was telling a completely different story of what actually took place…I say tell your side of the story..what you will encounter…some people just don’t care and they don’t care to hear it either ( they are narcissists too) ..others want to believe you are the bad one because they don’t really like you or are jealous of you…others are on his team because it benefits them…others don’t see it yet and might even believe the narcissist ( to those I say.. these are the things they did .. is that the behavior of a nice / decent person??) ..I am telling you this so that it won’t be such a big surprise when you are not well received by some people…because that can and does seem a little shocking when others are not showing you empathy for what you experienced…btw journaling they say helps …I started doing that..they say to write down everything they did to you …it is suppose to help with the anger and validate your feelings/ emotions of why you are so dang angry 😤..you have every right to be angry do to the abuse you suffered because of their behavior…when journaling..at first you might get even more angry 😡.. but with time you might find that it actually helps validate your feelings…best of luck to you my friend 😊
After my latest caper involving rubber huntsman spiders - a large but not dangerous species in our area that she claims exist in Australia for the express purpose of freaking out Americans - and underwear drawers, my wife said that I've changed over to Team Stealthy. In my defence, feeding me mango icecream and repeatedly deliberately missing my icecream hole was definitely grounds for mischief.
Dr. C… Do narcissists often play the martyrdom role?. “Look at everything I’ve done for you”after pushing you beyond your limits to keep up with the requests for them?
Dr.C when a narcissist lies and you show hard evidence they seat not accepting and come back with more rage. What's so blinding when its in front of them?
Is it true about Waco, Texas that it holds the most lunatics in America. This is not an insult just a question. Also cheers for all you do from a Looney in the UK.
Waco has more than its fair share of right wing hardliners. I'd say about 65% fall into that category. My wife and I have found some solid balanced people in the two+ years we've been here. You have to search, but they exist.
Have you ever had patients with strong narcissistic traits come to avcept that about themselves? I have a family member who has a very tough time respecting or accepting boundaries, whereas hers are sacrosanct on pain of being cut off. Yet the person who reacts to her rejection via reciprocation is "blackmailing" her. She has a very tough time taking responsibility for harm done by specific actions on her or her husband's part, and I've come to recognize a whole toolset that she has developed to avoid doing so. She refuses to talk things out except for in therapy, and threatens us with being reduced to occasional text messages forever if we won't do therapy with her. But she acts exactly the same way in therapy. The only reason I'm trying at this point is in hopes that the therapist will see her behavior, recognize it for what it is with my help, and address it with her. She does believe in therapy. While she has become extremely resentful and grudge-bearing, she is not mean spirited at this point. She's very manipulative, but not extremely controlling. Any thoughts?
9:21 "He just listens and then when I'm done he asks 'what do you want me to do?'" This seems like a major step up from what I deal with. My partner does not listen and does not ask for input. How does this behavior indicate narcissism?
Thank you sooooooo much for this channel! You have helped me soooooo much!!!!! I am gong through this with my very small family. My husband and I's siblings got together for a minute (literally) despite us saying to please not get involved since we have a small family (just us 4 siblings) well they did and now have a baby! Things have been some kind of way with them before all of this as their behaviors have always been the same but this was the icing on the cake for me. So now the whole family is torn apart and I feel like I have to pretend to be ok with everything and talk to them (my sister and MIL) but i'm not ok. There has been so many hurtful things said and done that i'm not allowed to talk about with them to get any kind of closure. So now it's just a surface relationship where my boundaries are not respected. I don't know what to do as I really don't want to be a part of this family and that makes me so sad. But I can't stand feeling like i'm being forced to be fake because I can't truly be myself with these people who feel like strangers to me not family. I feel this is the only way I will be able to have a relationship with my niece. How do I deal with having a covert narc sister and a passive aggressive MIL where neither respect boundaries and control what is talked about?
@@angelacahill9460 yea I have! It’s much easier since none of us live in the same city. But it’s also hard since there’s a baby involved. It’s a crazy triangulation that’s for sure. So I only text with my mil with my husband and fil in the text. I text and talk with my sister sometimes and it’s just a boring fake conversation as I’ve learned not to share as she doesn’t share anything. That’s grey rocking right? Thank you so much for responding. ❤️☺️
My narcissist uses BOTH silent treatment and rages, depending on their mood at the time. How does it affect a narcissist if you send a card or something once in a while and don't ask them what's wrong when they don't respond? Do they just see you enjoying your life and get frustrated that you are not even acknowledging their silence? Is it useful under certain circumstances? For example, with a small child, it can be useful to ignore their tantrums, but remain a loving person who does what they need/want to do regardless of bad behavior? In other words, reward any positive interaction, ignore the rest?
Yes that works with small children…however a narcissist will view it much differently…they think in terms of winning or losing…you sending them a card is telling them that they are winning and that you are chasing them/ wanting them regardless of what they behaved like or did ..or will behave like in the future …it’s okay to do ( sending cards) but it will not ever change their behavior…in fact. Some might even think that you are groveling ( to grovel is to beg like a hungry dog) and they love that ..Smh best of luck to you my friend 😊
Yes I agree with ecace. I sent an invite for dinner to a coworker friend just as a friendly gesture, and he took it as a romantic gesture & rejected it on the grounds that he was seeing someone. This, after I rejected his romantic advances but emphasized appreciation for the friendship.
I love this video dr Carter and stand for love, freedom, afirmation, dignity, respect and civility. Thank you for your immense help and support. God bless you❤
My husband and I are heading into a counselling session with our son and his (nariassist) wife. How do we prepare for her "narcissistic" ways? Not feeling very hopeful. They cut us off 2 yrs ago and only agreed to this because our youngest son ( his brother) is getting married soon. Any suggestions on what to do or say in the counselling appointment?
Work on non-verbal expressions. Hearing them tell an obvious untruth, I’ve used the “seen a ghost” expression with a sidelong glance to connect eyes with the counselor. A good counselor will pick up on micro-expressions like a minuscule “no” shaking of the head when the narcissist lies. I did a vid on my channel (back in early August 2022) called “For Team Healthy” if that can help.
This may be long, so my apologies. I’m not a counselor, but grew up in a narcissistic family who is still in my life so I’ve got decades of experience with them. 1. Determine your goals. What do you want to accomplish in the session/s? You’re not going to be able to change her character disorder, and likely won’t be able to get your son to recognize what she is, but you may be able to restore some kind of relationship with him by letting him know during these sessions that you are always willing to have a healthy, meaningful relationship with mutual respect for each others boundaries. 2. Reflect on everything that led to the separation and be willing to admit where you could’ve done or said something differently. Write this stuff down & bring it with you. This is important because she will REFUSE to do this. Be prepared for her gas-lighting by bringing up specific details where multiple ppl were present to hear or see her narcissistic behavior, have texts/voicemails/emails etc to refer to, keep it factual and unemotional. 3. Be prepared for her to go from charming, to aloof, to raging. The more she gets called out, the more she will rage and project (and the more your son will likely defend her). Remember, he is likely trauma-bonded to her and will say very hurtful things to you. Don’t take the bait. Stay even-tempered and re-iterate that you want to move forward with a healthy relationship where all parties feel valued and respected, even when you know you will not always have the same perspectives/opinions. This will put the ball in their court. 4. Your younger son may or may not pick a side. Be prepared for all outcomes. The narc will try to use him against you because she’s desperately going to try to get everyone on her “team” and further alienate you from her husband. 5. Don’t worry about whether your family or the therapist is going to see through her or not. Either way, the outcome is the same-she will never change. Focus on YOUR words/behavior during these sessions because you cannot control her craziness or the perceptions others will have of her. 6. Remember: Dignity, Respect, Civility.
@@aaronkwolfe Thanks so much. One session down, another scheduled for this coming Friday. It went really well and the counsellor is also a Psychotherapist, so we feel like we are in good hands.
@@factcheckthesehands364 Appreciate so much all you shared. My husband and I went over each point you made. Our first session went as well as to be expected. Meeting virtually this coming Friday again. We shall see how it goes. Thanks Again!
@@LeAnneLightLifeLove I’m glad I was able to offer some insight. Thank you so much for the update and I’ll be praying for your family. Please let us know how it progresses!
When your partner asks what do you want me to do about it? Perhaps the best thing to do is to give him an honest answer. Explain what behaviors you would like to see from him.
Can you do a show on how to handle a narcissist, with childhood trauma ptsd and then a 4 tour Iraq PTSD anger management? I love your shows and found a lot of teachers but you’re a true blessing. Thank you!
I get that some people need to be offensive. They reject DRC as weakness. They seem to track their boldness with popular political news. This time I sense an all or nothing sense of desperation. Last political season I was unprepared. This time, very little catches me off guard. One has to be committed to drc regardless of the attack, when and where ever it comes from. That is the power of love.
![เปิดใจ พี่ญา คนรุม หลังทัวร์ลง หนักสุดในชีวิต!! l [Nickynachat]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/2-OJZRtclro/mqdefault.jpg)
After 20 years of trying to talk to my now ex husband about anything and everything… I finally realized (learned) that whenever I was talking to him he was tuned out completely… he would take a few words out of the conversation I was having with him and construct his own version of the conversation, which was never even close to what I was talking about at all… and he would then proceed to accuse me of the made up nonsense he created in his mind. He truly believes the lies he tells himself, and he expects that I conform to his twisted beliefs… he won’t and can’t listen to anyone other than the voices in his own head.
That's exactly how they think! My former boss in British Steel was exactly like that.
@@Gill12283 they don't listen at all. I've not had a single one out of all the ones I've had and still have in my life that listened to what I say not a single one. It's like it goes through a filter of their own making. My elderly mom has now started forgetting big time so it became glaringly obvious that whatever I say she says the EXACT opposite. One incident was a repeat 3 times when she got the hump but each identical time she said the opposite but each time she was right! She is now incapable of covering up so it's worse
That sounds very familiar
This sounds about how each of my conversations go with him it's so frustrating especially when I accuse him of not listening to me he swears he heard every word but please don't ask him to paraphrase what I just said I promise you apparently he's dealing with a lot of static that affects his hearing bc he missed everything I said . The groups help me so much , thank you dr.c and team heathy. I'm on a healing of the soul bc this mess is real
Now I have reversed the no talking too him, omg he can’t stand it and said, I guess I should leave. Lol He owns the home and I am his partner for 20 years and it’s been so difficult. I don’t have many assets since I’m sick and a 62 year old woman on disability. It’s pure HELL, but I’m giving him his own medicine and he doesn’t like it😅.
Once I realized the man I had loved for 41 years never brought out the best in me, I was finally able to let go.
My ex would say I didn’t communicate well so I would carefully measure my words but in his eyes unless I was affirming him he took most conversation as criticism. So he shut down anything coming from me but he was allowed to say whatever he NEEDED to share what was negative towards me & how I needed to improve my talking!! Crazy making!!! Glad I’m out of the madness. Now I’m dealing with a sister who’s just like him!! Thank you for the support.
Carla I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I grew up with a younger brother
Who turned out to be a narcisist so I can feel your pain. Glad you were able to break free of this person.
And, it's SO rooted in insecurity. I grew up with parents like this and my husband has some of the same tendencies. It makes my neck hurt! Lol 🤷♀️🙏💝
It truly is like this. It’s like being stuck running on a hamster wheel! I’m happy you are free!
It’s time to “Detach emotionally” from your sister too and definitely lower your expectations because that situation is not going to change either …or better go no contact ..you don’t need her negativity..she’s a waste of your time..consider pouring that time into yourself and things that you can and will enjoy
SMH- covert narcissism is real. I have never had anyone comment and say half my marriage in one paragraph. It was difficult to explain and frustrating. Now that I know so much about narcissism it’s not difficult to explain at all.
Ex was critical of nearly everything I said, so I ended up saying very little in hopes of not setting him off. He then gloated in accusing me of being passive aggressive. I found him describing me to others as passive aggressive and borderline. I was not borderline either. He used it to hide his abusive tactics from others, and it mostly worked with those who didn’t see his true colors. Looking back, I believe he liked the way my hesitancy transferred to others I didn’t know well. What tops the list was he justified an affair because I 'didn't validate' him!
Your well shot of him! Stay happy!
1) NO communication and Heaven forbid if I EVER can have a rational adult conversation. 2) NO matter what I'm the one who is 300% the problem. 3) I'm only allowed to be what they allow me to be. 4) My only saving grace is my relationship with God. 5) I don't feel at all appreciated nor loved or valued in my my marriage. About sums it up
That sums it up, they're all like that unfortunately. I told my mom to stop telling me what to think and feel. They have zero patience to listen or interact in any way that doesn't fit their requirements
@@bereal6590 I told my narcissist sister the same thing. She still doesn't get it, and this is after 40-50 years of her abuse.
My daughter has been married to a narcissist for 20+ years. They have 2 children. I’ve been desperate to help her. Her life has been miserable. She’s lost herself. At times, I’ve been on the receiving end of his torture. When I insert myself I get into big trouble. I’m referring her to you, but she has to be discreet. He monitors everything she does. Thanks to you and your colleagues I’m finally able to identify the problem.
If your daughter’ s husband drinks, recommend she goes to Alanon 12 step program. There she will find support. This how my daughter after 20+ years of marriage, was able to recognize whom is she married to. She succeeded in separating with their 2 children. This is hard to do. She had therapist snd 2 sponsors to guide her in this difficult process. My heart goes out to you. ❤
@ Penny my sister was on the receiving end of torture and smear campaign when she tried to help and support with the malignant narc I was married to. He was so cruel and mean to her. He tried to put a device in my phone so that he could listen to my conversations with my family. He is twisted and really paranoid. Be careful as they watch and observe everything. I don't want to scare you but I was rather niave and I didn't know he was narc at that time. I wish you and your daughter safety and peace.
@@sanjmalik6282 Thank you.
@@gorunsko31 Thank you
@@pennysobczyk6201 you are good mom. When I left my abusive ex I told my elderly mom that I missed them (was struggling with not having them around), she told me to go back to them. What mom tells their child to go back to an abuser. You're a loving mother ✌
Controllers think you’re being controlling by setting and keeping boundaries for yourself. Saying, “ I don’t want to walk on eggshells”, while you’re not trying to control anyone else but simply live your life without the unneeded chaos/mental emotional abuse.
Oh man, I’d love the silent treatment.
So good. 3 statements I needed to hear this evening to keep staying strong and not give in.
1) Expect it 2) Stay Confident 3) Stay in Peace
This channel is so helpful to me!! I have some highly narcissistic parents, a narcissistic sibling and also a lot of dysfunction in my husband’s family. I’ve been in therapy for many years hoping that I could fix everything. I am at a point in my recovery where I’m accepting the reality of my own limitations in changing entrenched narcissistic systems. I am learning to find my own identity outside of their expectations and demands. I still have my family in my life, and I am learning to set healthy boundaries. This channel is perfect for me.
I hear you and completely understand! ❤️
That's so great to hear!
They are paranoid monster toddlers
Great description.
The only time I sorta got through to the covert narc was when I had come across a letter he had written back 20-30 years ago. I read it again with knowledge of narcissism this time and it said that I made him happy and he went on to say that I was his only source of happiness. I was telling him recently about the letter and I told him that it wasn't fair to me to be so depended on for someone's happiness because then I was so busy trying to keep him happy and the kids happy, who was going to make me happy? I told him we were to get our happiness from our relationship to GOD and life and then we bring that happiness to each other and our family. Also told him he expected so much from me for his happiness that then he'd get mad and give silent treatment if his happiness wasn't met. I told him that was just too much and I needed to leave.
Good for you, that must have taken a lot of doing. Stay strong and sane.
They rewrite everything to fit their need in the moment. Mine 30 years ago was horrible about my new partner (they turned out to be a disaster because of course they were toxic and as we know grow up in toxic, partner with toxic), intrusive rude questions, no show of happiness for me even though I'd had a few very bad years. Only a few months ago they claimed how happy they were for me and wanted the best and a great loving partner because they cared so much! They were horrible to me about my new partner. Total rewrite
I tell people happiness comes from within. I told this to my NM, and all I got was backlashes.
Watching on “tape” replay 🫢🤣
I caught that, Old Timer!
@@SurvivingNarcissism LOL yep! At least we don’t say 8 track 😂
It is so hard to stand in one's center self when dealing with a narc.... especially when it stems from birth family.... thank you Dr C for the information you bring to light. ❤
Midweek inevitably meets World otter day on the last Wednesday of may. Happy otter day)
I had no idea!
Darn!June 1st is world milk day...Too bad it didn't fall on that day!Milk has been my favorite drink since birth🥳🤗😁.
Question: Do overt narcissists like to force square pegs down a round hole as a mode of operation? Or in other words "you're going to do this for me and you're gonna like it"? I get that from my father in law a lot, he's overt, and unfortunately my dad is a covert narcissist. I thank God my wife and I are on team healthy dealing with this and so very thankful we found your channel. Thank you Dr Carter.
Imo yes. When I got my new home I was excited to do it up how I wanted as I'd never had my own place. My father waded in and sucker all joy out by telling me how I MUST do think do that. I needed his help so I had to go along. Completely joyless. Now I live in a tip because I refuse to ask for help and can't afford to pay for the works. It's their way or the highway then they pat themselves on the back as you then have to thank them!
I remember being very upset once as a kid and telling my mother "You're nice to everyone else except us!" Her reply..."We'll I don't have to deal with them on a daily basis." 😞 Messed up, right.
Thank you Dr.C for who you are!
You're so kind, Fred.
Do they know they're pretending to be something they're not?
Do they know that they're exploiting others and being cruel?
Their secrecy and different stories for different people indicate that they do know, but they seem to believe their own stories?
They know what they are doing wrong, which is why they hide their misdeeds, but Gaslight themselves in believing they are/were justified in doing it. I learned this through Dr. Ramani and a few others. Plus, I saw it with my own NM.
So, so True!
Bonjour fromParis! et merci! Thank you Dr. C
De rein.
Thank you Dr C for that 3 years of your videos on Narcissism and has helped me tremendously to deal with my husband I’m slowly setting boundaries and giving me a sense of freedom about myself and realizing I have been brainwashed these 40 years 🤗
Glad to be on the path with you, Sue.
I'm new to this channel and have finally found out what my husband's behavior is coming from.
Glad you're here. Keep learning! Dr. C
In their way of thinking: "If I can pretend to be empathetic it means I AM!" ✅Lol 🙃
The pretend ALOT!
That has to be the comment of the day!!!! Empathy feels to the recipient, understanding and kind and validating and comforting and settling.their faux sympathy feels like they're pitying me!! I don't want pity or useless faux sympathy. I want warmth and connection, to give it and receive it without a bill at the end or any expectation. Nobody owes me whenim kind. Sad but true story, growing up I connected to our family dogs because they were the ones who were protective of me and gave unconditional love. My mom was jealous when we watched tv if I cried over a dog in a show! She even brought it up a few months ago.
Long before finding this excellent work, I quit gradually. He got so mad at me, he said that I listen to him, but then went ahead and did what I wanted! Well, sure, I do not choose to argue or plead.
It did not, just did not compute. I earned the household income, paid the mortgage and for the food and expenses, while he sat around and carped. And somehow it made sense to him.
The narcissist (s) to Team Healthy: "If anybody in this equation is a narcissist, it's YOU!" ✅Lol
Consider the source!
I needed this! How to react to friends and relatives who have heard all the lies…just live my life as best I can, for me that means Trust God and do good, and let people believe whatever it is they believe🤷♀️🙏🏻✝️
Glad it resonated!
Thank God for Dr. C & Team Healthy!
Y'all are always here when I have need.
I had a good mentor who suggested that "loose ends be tied up". He meant that it's healthy to discuss or even say goodbye when others aren't a good fit for us.
More and more, I encounter passive-aggressiveness from people. They make assumptions, deem them to be "truth" and shut us out without a word. So bad for their subconscious...which cannot be fooled. Thank you all SO much!
And you are so right, Dr. C.
Narcs don't want to hear it.
My thoughts are that it's good housekeeping among the healthy to not leave things hanging. 💜
Having watched you for a while now Dr Carter, I have to say your description of who you are fits with what many of us have seen in your help to us in Team Healthy. I feel trust, safe and protected with you leading us through our journey. You Dr.Carter make many of us feel like we have a truly trusted friendship with you and little Gus. God bless you and your family
Such encouraging words...thank you, Susan!
I think with dignity, respect, and civility, we can all be wrong, and still be alright somehow.
I get what you're saying. #TeamHealthy
Life is difficult enough without having to survive narcissistic abuse. When I was separating from my narcissistic husband, I had people offer me counseling for “ when we get back together following the separation “ and this was in the courthouse after a domestic abuse situation. I remember responding to the offer as “ not thank you! I’m getting away from him! I Don want to b counseled back in to a terrible situation!” Narcissist are not worth my time or suffering!
Hi Dr Carter Gus and Team Healthy
Well, hello there, Stacy!!
Yes the narc wants the world filled with more of them... He once told me "I wish you were more giving like me"... as IF
Jean-Paul Sartre (sp?)... he wrote the essay in the 18th century, called 'Freedom IS Responsibility '. Changed my ideas at 17. Some folks should read, and get that wisdom, today. (Especially when waving exploding 'flag poles' in malls and schools. One's freedom does not have the right, to take another's, life.) Thank you Dr. as always.
I so hear you!
Thank you again 👍🏿
Greetings from Germany 🇩🇪
I couldn’t help but laugh because this made me think of my brother’s antics. Yeah I’ll stick with ABC and he would be CBA. I play games to bond with people and for fun not always to win though I put forth my best effort. He plays games to tinker with other people’s psyche and to make the process as miserable as possible to see if people will “tap out”. After awhile it’s like “Hey you want to play games” and I’m like “Not with you dude” lololol 😂
Lol....I get it!!!
For a person with such malleable boundaries, the notion that they come from my own self-definition is quite helpful. The more I watch you, the more I wish to commit to D.R.C.
My husband God rest his soul used to listen and when I was done he'd say okay. Of course I knew that meant he was going to ignore everything.
Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. Live in Peace to all of you. What you see is just what you will get. After so many years in this relationship I have learrned to stay true to myself and live and let live. I don't play the games any more either. I say let no one define you because you should define yourself by the person that you are. Thank you so much Dr. Carter for a great Midweek video.
Thanks, Alice!!
I am watching an elderly family (non-related to myself) member with severe dementia and I see her "normal" 59yo child with same traits, but they are not diagnosed with any problems and they have had these similar traits since I've known them for past 26years. I have seen recent news where researchers are making connections between being a negative and critical person (aka narc) with dementia later in life.
Out of her sheer frustration at the peace in my life that has enabled me to be objective when we speak; she called me a covert; and far worse than her overt (and diagnosed) malignant dad. I took it in stride; not defending b/c she just wanted another branch of attack. I have no need to control nor correct her. I just have the means and mindset to control how much of me she has access to. That is on me.
My husband not only has NPD, but Parkinsons. The combination is brutal. He has a deep brain stimulus device to boot. His frustration and anger, which I understand to a point, are beyond his ability to handle. Along with an unusual upbringing, I am dealing with a complicated combination! How do medications and DBS effect his Narcissism?
I’ve been so grateful for your videos Dr.C.
I never knew what my problem was within my ‘family of origin’ and since learning over a year ago I began to love myself and let go of their controlling abusive destructive behaviour.
I never fit in with any of them , felt like the outsider and black sheep my entire life.
Well I now see that as a HUGE blessing .
People who knew our family growing up think they’re the ‘best family ‘ or ‘such a close knit family’
Truth is they’re so close knit because they completely rely on each other , validate their actions as a corrupt family system.
I’m so glad I’m finally out and am in zero contact . They think they’re teaching me a tough love lesson , 😂😂 jokes on them!!!!😂
Would love you to talk more about inside corrupt family systems.🙏🏻💕
Yep, ABSOLUTE control issues!
Force, fraud & cohersion..smh
Provoke & then "PLAY the victim", while Accusing you that "you're the problem", because you're NOT "ACTING RIGHT", when ALL THEY DO IS ACT🤪
They have NO Transparency 😇
"You think I'm a narcissist? Hmm. That's interesting. I've been learning about that trait for the last couple of years. Y'know what the best way is to deal with a narcissist? Ignore them. Sever them from your life. Don't think about them, don't talk about them, act as if they don't exist. Because you're better off without them. I'll have to learn to get along..."
Im joing the team of health!! Love and light from Northern California ❤
#TeamHealthy
Yes! Team Healthy! 😉
Civility. Dignity and respect
DRC. #TeamHealthy
Thank you Dr. Carter 💕🌸💠🕯💭
Normality is subjective
I find alot of comfort and reassurance from these vids. I live next door to my narcissistic grandmother. She keeps me on edge constantly. I cannot ha e ANY conversations with her. She stops me, if she sees me outside, to tell me some very important thing or ask a question. Usually its somehow trying to convince me that she ISNT doing what she's doing. She keeps me confused. I cant even explain it honest which makes me question myself and makes it hard to convey the situation to other people!
Brilliant question someone asked “Would a narcissist know they are one presented with facts” great answer to that 👍
Over the last few years a couple of people we know have made the comment to me, "Your husband REALLY loves you!" If they only knew how he really treats me, like I am a thorn in his side, a problem that has to be either delt with or shoved aside. Every time someone says that to me I get a knot in my stomach and feel like throwing up!
Thank you for your live...... recently, "let go" of CN! I am focusing on my self. Appreciate and Dr. R these last couple of days. I finally "get it" !!🎉 After years of allowing abuse. I can now heal❤
Best wishes to you, Yolanda!
Glad to hear how much better everyone feels, it's wonderful to feel part of a caring community isn't it.
@@cherylnathanodetteyes, yes it really is ❤
I work with a lady who is highly narcissistic. She loves to fill in the blank and draw her own conclusions based on her "feelings."
For example. I casually mentioned to her that I haven't made meatballs in a while because I haven't had time.
Her response to me was, "You haven't made meatballs because you're too busy on your phone all weekend. So, I said to her, "How do you know what I do outside of this office? Are you in my house? Her response was " because you're always on your phone, that's all you do."
I did not respond to her because it's pointless. Not that it's anyone's business but unlike her, I work 5 days a week, she only works 3 days a week. I also take vocal lessons on Saturdays and Sunday and I'm heavily involved in my church choir. I didn't tell her this because it's NONE OF HER BUSINESS!!!
This is probably the biggest problem with regard to narcissists and their relationships. They constantly throw stones at people and come to inaccurate conclusions based on "feelings" without any evidence whatsoever. By the way, I am on my cell phone a lot at work because I have to communicate with my boss since he is unable to come to the phone (we don't have the same boss).
I don't know how many times I have told this woman to mind her business. One time she said to me "you never have anything to say" I just responded with, I have nothing to say. She cannot stand me because I'm not on board with slandering and gossiping about my coworkers.
Your super amazing beautiful person thank you for helping me on my road to recovery 💯🙌🙏👌
4 characteristics:
1. be a person of LOVE
2. commitment to freedom
3. inclusion
4. affirmation, empathy, assertiveness & boundaries
He knew I had enough of his raging, he tried to control me that way. Finally, I would leave the room. He would be infuriated! I even locked myself in a room to escape his Rath.
One day, when this happened he stayed in the kitchen fuming and then came into the office and slammed me against the file cabinet and fought to haul me to the ground. I had a reverse shoulder surgery 6 weeks prior! I knew then I needed to leave but I couldn't even drive.
OK, we who listen to this and read these posts hear a lot of negativity, and about s lot of negative people. This isnt a critique; it's just the nature of the beast.
So now for some amelioration. Time to let a saint's light shine.
A year ago last November my sister-in-law passed away. She and her husband Paul had long watched over my mother-in-law.
It was Paul who broke the news to her. Imagine the pain of being proceeded by a beloved child in death. I hope most of us will never know this pain first hand. Being a tender hearted lady, she felt this very deeply.
Her response:
"Oh no! Oh no. ..... How are you doing, Paul?"
The most painful, traumatic moment in her life, and within seconds her thoughts turned to concern for the emotional well being of another.
And this wasn't just how she acted in the moment. This was who and what she was.
Two weeks later she too passed through the veil. I often wish she had passed first so she would not have gone through this. But i think God needed her light to shine as an example one last time.
Firmly believe they know exactly what they do and say. They twist, deflect, deny, lie with inttent. Conniving people , believe they can lie and cheat and hurt people and get away with it. Very annoying and hateful people.
Appreciate YOU...
This was another great discussion, Dr. C! Thank you for including our questions in your talks, because most of us have similar questions or experiences, whether we were aware of them or not.
Thanks Wendy. I really enjoy this format.
Should I mention to my adult children about their dads narcicism
Thank you so much for creating these videos...I have been brought-up with 4 narcissistic personalities...then even made friends who were narcissistic...then married a channelled aggressive person...my siblings almost destroyed my life to the point of no turning back, but I survived and now after 30 years of their abuse I realised that walking away would be the only way to not be used as power source for them...I am scapegoat child...then I have walked away finally from my narcissistic best friend...now I am left with almost no close friend or family...but I do have some sort of peace...I need to reinvente myself...but ofcourse that is neither easy with channelled aggressive hubby...I really want to attract decent ppl...I wonder why I end-up fuelling narcissistic in relations...your videos helped but I know...I need to keep working on myself...
If they want to give you the silent treatment, DON'T REACT OR SHOW ANY EMOTION. About all you can do is just be respectful of them and enjoy the silent. Silent treatment is so immature, especially in the context of something as sacred as a marriage.
I wasn’t able to watch live today, but I’m looking forward to watching this lesson tonight. I always learn something new! 😃
What defines me.. I would say that it takes discernment on my part in regards to people who think differently than I do.. There are some core values there that are NOT negotiable.. Before we even get into the questions.. Forgive but not forget stands out to me.. Forgiveness means to me that I give them to their Higher Power..
1. silent treatment.. it can be abuse but it can also give space.. i will give people the silent treatment if they are just looking for a fight..
2. boundaries.. this is weird but this is where i can learn something from them.. not to the degree where they are but to a degree.. i have to ask myself.. is this the hill i want to die on.. pick my boundaries/battles.. the other part of this is that i am separate from them.. self-differentiation..
3. different.. it almost seams like the word enmeshment fits..
4. truth.. this is where discernment comes in for me.. even if i know the truth i have the choice on how to use it..
5. acting like they have empathy.. to me i just had to separate myself from them..
When someone asks about a narcissist it's usually pretty honest to just say "they're very charming "
Good line.
Yes to breaking the patterns !
Yes 👏
I love your teachings and the loving way you are talking and treating your audience.
I am a therapist and still practicing on how to be better every day.
You have been helpful to me and my clients.
Dr. C, I have subscribed, hit the like button and rang the bell LONG AGO. I listen to you to reinforce my personal counseling, remind me to be on Team Healthy, and LEARN! Your voice is soothing to me, (I'm in southern Missouri). This channel grounds me. Counseling gave me back my life and I'm so grateful for your profession.
Thank you for showing the path to healing. ❤️
Thanks for such encouraging feedback, Amanda. Best wishes to you!!
"We are what we choose to become," wrote C.J. Jung.
Four things define Dr. C: That is to say, he wishes to be
* a person of love.
* known for his commitment to freedom.
* known for his value of inclusion.
* known for his value of affirmation.
Home and watched with Top Chat. So many chats I wish I could've replied to if I'd been here. Well if any come up in comments..... If I could joke about me missing, I'd say they did a brain scan and found nothing.
That happened with me once 😂
Before I was devorced I had silent treatment for 2 years I got home one day I didn't say a word and I had a really bad day at work she took one look at and said that's it I was havn a good day then took off didn't see her for a week
Couldn’t make the livestream, but here now. :)
Listening to this makes me feel like the worlds worst person. I have struggled to speak with my partner due to me having a major breakdown after 40yrs. It didn’t help that a few months prior he asked me to stop speaking with him as I have no idea about what I’m talking about apparently. He also asked me to stop sending him texted messages or emails as he didn’t have the time in the day to read ,them. Then I got Covid and he didn’t both to assist myself whilst I tried battle my way through being bed ridden and exhausted. Hence my breakdown. I have been told in therapy it’s from exhaustion, ptsd and .other factors and day by day I am getting strong. However I will only speak with him out of necessity. I realise this can’t go on but my non speaking with him is also my self preservation. I need to get myself well before making any major changes as at this point in time I am just numb! I loved him with all my heart but now I feel nothing. Will ever stop being the bad person and be able to speak with him again?
What happens if you use the silent treatment against a narcissist?
How will they respond?
In my case they become vindictive and take their anger out on you personally or your property, especially if you have to see them and deal with them daily. I hope this doesn’t happen to you because it’s awful.
I explain the difference between grey rock and the silent treatment thusly: If you’ve ever been given “the silent treatment,” you KNOW it. Filled with passive-aggressive behavior, there’s slamming doors, furious glares, mournful sighs. Grey reck is quiet, dismissive ambivalence. Silent treatment is used to control, grey rock is used to escape.
If you use silent treatment toward them, they’ll likely double down and escalate to win. Grey rock is therefore better when dealing with a narcissist.
I did it deliberately so as to give him a dose of his own medicine . He couldn't handle it. Tried to play extra nice. Lol
An excellent mid week review
I learned a lot
Great information from Dr Carter
One of my favorite mid week reviews
Dr Carter is a blessing
Great questions asked
Thank you
Thanks, Steven.
My ex NPD discarded me, then after months of education I see the severe abuse, trauma bond, lies. How do I stop self loathing and desire to out him for all the lies and awful things he did. Lie, cheat, control, gas light, go out if his way to lie and use me physically, financially, and purposely exposed me to Covid for 5 days not telling me he was positive, I ended up in icu 11days & perm pulm fibrosis now. I’m angry he gets to lie and get away with discard and plugging someone else in, in days, after a 2 year relationship and engagement. I want the truth known, and for him to know I “know” the truth about him now.
The rest of us totally understand and most of us also feel the same way about outing the narcissist…I went through a similar experience…he was telling a completely different story of what actually took place…I say tell your side of the story..what you will encounter…some people just don’t care and they don’t care to hear it either ( they are narcissists too) ..others want to believe you are the bad one because they don’t really like you or are jealous of you…others are on his team because it benefits them…others don’t see it yet and might even believe the narcissist ( to those I say.. these are the things they did .. is that the behavior of a nice / decent person??) ..I am telling you this so that it won’t be such a big surprise when you are not well received by some people…because that can and does seem a little shocking when others are not showing you empathy for what you experienced…btw journaling they say helps …I started doing that..they say to write down everything they did to you …it is suppose to help with the anger and validate your feelings/ emotions of why you are so dang angry 😤..you have every right to be angry do to the abuse you suffered because of their behavior…when journaling..at first you might get even more angry 😡.. but with time you might find that it actually helps validate your feelings…best of luck to you my friend 😊
After my latest caper involving rubber huntsman spiders - a large but not dangerous species in our area that she claims exist in Australia for the express purpose of freaking out Americans - and underwear drawers, my wife said that I've changed over to Team Stealthy.
In my defence, feeding me mango icecream and repeatedly deliberately missing my icecream hole was definitely grounds for mischief.
Thank you, Dr. Carter! Hello from Richmond, Virginia! You are a Man of Wisdom! Thank you for sharing this with everyone.
You are very welcome. Glad to be with you there in Richmond!
Dr. C… Do narcissists often play the martyrdom role?. “Look at everything I’ve done for you”after pushing you beyond your limits to keep up with the requests for them?
Dr.C when a narcissist lies and you show hard evidence they seat not accepting and come back with more rage. What's so blinding when its in front of them?
Is it true about Waco, Texas that it holds the most lunatics in America. This is not an insult just a question. Also cheers for all you do from a Looney in the UK.
Waco has more than its fair share of right wing hardliners. I'd say about 65% fall into that category. My wife and I have found some solid balanced people in the two+ years we've been here. You have to search, but they exist.
@@SurvivingNarcissism glad to hear it, keep close to those people that bear no ill will, and just avoid those that do. Stay safe
I have been so hurt and Gaslit by elected officials and they ate still at it. It's disgusting..
Thank you Dr C.
You're welcome.
Yes freedom !!! 🎉
Have you ever had patients with strong narcissistic traits come to avcept that about themselves?
I have a family member who has a very tough time respecting or accepting boundaries, whereas hers are sacrosanct on pain of being cut off. Yet the person who reacts to her rejection via reciprocation is "blackmailing" her. She has a very tough time taking responsibility for harm done by specific actions on her or her husband's part, and I've come to recognize a whole toolset that she has developed to avoid doing so. She refuses to talk things out except for in therapy, and threatens us with being reduced to occasional text messages forever if we won't do therapy with her. But she acts exactly the same way in therapy.
The only reason I'm trying at this point is in hopes that the therapist will see her behavior, recognize it for what it is with my help, and address it with her. She does believe in therapy.
While she has become extremely resentful and grudge-bearing, she is not mean spirited at this point. She's very manipulative, but not extremely controlling.
Any thoughts?
Talk is fine, but at some point it requires true action adjustments. Check out an older video of mine, A 7 Part Plan For Overcoming Narcissism.
9:21
"He just listens and then when I'm done he asks 'what do you want me to do?'"
This seems like a major step up from what I deal with. My partner does not listen and does not ask for input. How does this behavior indicate narcissism?
You have been a tremendous blessing ❤ thank you!
Can you-after a break up- becomes normal friends with a narcissist?
No
That seems highly unlikely.
My mother still tells me to apologize to my sister when she insults me. We’re both in our forties while mom is 80
Thank you sooooooo much for this channel! You have helped me soooooo much!!!!!
I am gong through this with my very small family. My husband and I's siblings got together for a minute (literally) despite us saying to please not get involved since we have a small family (just us 4 siblings) well they did and now have a baby! Things have been some kind of way with them before all of this as their behaviors have always been the same but this was the icing on the cake for me. So now the whole family is torn apart and I feel like I have to pretend to be ok with everything and talk to them (my sister and MIL) but i'm not ok. There has been so many hurtful things said and done that i'm not allowed to talk about with them to get any kind of closure.
So now it's just a surface relationship where my boundaries are not respected. I don't know what to do as I really don't want to be a part of this family and that makes me so sad. But I can't stand feeling like i'm being forced to be fake because I can't truly be myself with these people who feel like strangers to me not family. I feel this is the only way I will be able to have a relationship with my niece. How do I deal with having a covert narc sister and a passive aggressive MIL where neither respect boundaries and control what is talked about?
Maybe go grey rock in your interactions with them right now...
@@angelacahill9460 yea I have! It’s much easier since none of us live in the same city. But it’s also hard since there’s a baby involved. It’s a crazy triangulation that’s for sure. So I only text with my mil with my husband and fil in the text. I text and talk with my sister sometimes and it’s just a boring fake conversation as I’ve learned not to share as she doesn’t share anything. That’s grey rocking right? Thank you so much for responding. ❤️☺️
My narcissist uses BOTH silent treatment and rages, depending on their mood at the time. How does it affect a narcissist if you send a card or something once in a while and don't ask them what's wrong when they don't respond? Do they just see you enjoying your life and get frustrated that you are not even acknowledging their silence? Is it useful under certain circumstances? For example, with a small child, it can be useful to ignore their tantrums, but remain a loving person who does what they need/want to do regardless of bad behavior? In other words, reward any positive interaction, ignore the rest?
Yes that works with small children…however a narcissist will view it much differently…they think in terms of winning or losing…you sending them a card is telling them that they are winning and that you are chasing them/ wanting them regardless of what they behaved like or did ..or will behave like in the future …it’s okay to do ( sending cards) but it will not ever change their behavior…in fact. Some might even think that you are groveling ( to grovel is to beg like a hungry dog) and they love that ..Smh best of luck to you my friend 😊
Yes I agree with ecace. I sent an invite for dinner to a coworker friend just as a friendly gesture, and he took it as a romantic gesture & rejected it on the grounds that he was seeing someone. This, after I rejected his romantic advances but emphasized appreciation for the friendship.
I love this video dr Carter and stand for love, freedom, afirmation, dignity, respect and civility. Thank you for your immense help and support. God bless you❤
You're welcome, Iza.
Hi from Portland Oregon
Great town. I have a niece who lives there!
QUESTION: can a narcissist be successful in business?
Will he be a successful person in any career or even in life itself?
My husband and I are heading into a counselling session with our son and his (nariassist) wife. How do we prepare for her "narcissistic" ways? Not feeling very hopeful. They cut us off 2 yrs ago and only agreed to this because our youngest son ( his brother) is getting married soon. Any suggestions on what to do or say in the counselling appointment?
Work on non-verbal expressions. Hearing them tell an obvious untruth, I’ve used the “seen a ghost” expression with a sidelong glance to connect eyes with the counselor. A good counselor will pick up on micro-expressions like a minuscule “no” shaking of the head when the narcissist lies.
I did a vid on my channel (back in early August 2022) called “For Team Healthy” if that can help.
This may be long, so my apologies. I’m not a counselor, but grew up in a narcissistic family who is still in my life so I’ve got decades of experience with them.
1. Determine your goals. What do you want to accomplish in the session/s? You’re not going to be able to change her character disorder, and likely won’t be able to get your son to recognize what she is, but you may be able to restore some kind of relationship with him by letting him know during these sessions that you are always willing to have a healthy, meaningful relationship with mutual respect for each others boundaries.
2. Reflect on everything that led to the separation and be willing to admit where you could’ve done or said something differently. Write this stuff down & bring it with you. This is important because she will REFUSE to do this. Be prepared for her gas-lighting by bringing up specific details where multiple ppl were present to hear or see her narcissistic behavior, have texts/voicemails/emails etc to refer to, keep it factual and unemotional.
3. Be prepared for her to go from charming, to aloof, to raging. The more she gets called out, the more she will rage and project (and the more your son will likely defend her). Remember, he is likely trauma-bonded to her and will say very hurtful things to you. Don’t take the bait. Stay even-tempered and re-iterate that you want to move forward with a healthy relationship where all parties feel valued and respected, even when you know you will not always have the same perspectives/opinions. This will put the ball in their court.
4. Your younger son may or may not pick a side. Be prepared for all outcomes. The narc will try to use him against you because she’s desperately going to try to get everyone on her “team” and further alienate you from her husband.
5. Don’t worry about whether your family or the therapist is going to see through her or not. Either way, the outcome is the same-she will never change. Focus on YOUR words/behavior during these sessions because you cannot control her craziness or the perceptions others will have of her.
6. Remember: Dignity, Respect, Civility.
@@aaronkwolfe Thanks so much. One session down, another scheduled for this coming Friday. It went really well and the counsellor is also a Psychotherapist, so we feel like we are in good hands.
@@factcheckthesehands364 Appreciate so much all you shared. My husband and I went over each point you made. Our first session went as well as to be expected. Meeting virtually this coming Friday again. We shall see how it goes. Thanks Again!
@@LeAnneLightLifeLove I’m glad I was able to offer some insight. Thank you so much for the update and I’ll be praying for your family. Please let us know how it progresses!
When your partner asks what do you want me to do about it?
Perhaps the best thing to do is to give him an honest answer. Explain what behaviors you would like to see from him.
Can you do a show on how to handle a narcissist, with childhood trauma ptsd and then a 4 tour Iraq PTSD anger management? I love your shows and found a lot of teachers but you’re a true blessing. Thank you!
👏👏Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and expertise that is valuable and useful to help people.
And then it'd be "No it's not." "Yes it is." And so on.
I get that some people need to be offensive. They reject DRC as weakness. They seem to track their boldness with popular political news. This time I sense an all or nothing sense of desperation. Last political season I was unprepared. This time, very little catches me off guard. One has to be committed to drc regardless of the attack, when and where ever it comes from. That is the power of love.
You so get it, Michael.
It's like MLK and non violent resistance to personal hateful attack. Amazing how social and personal psychology come together.