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10 Symptoms of a Toxic Personality | Is Toxic Personality Disorder real?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ก.ค. 2019
- This video answers the questions: Is toxic personality disorder real thing? If it is real, what are the symptoms? Toxic personality disorder is not an official diagnosis listed in the diagnostic and statistical manual. In this video I will be listing 10 symptoms of a toxic personality. This list of symptoms was generated using the 79 symptom criteria available in the personality disorder section of the DSM.
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: Author.
The 10 personality disorders:
cluster A: paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal
cluster B: antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic
cluster C: avoidant, dependent, obsessive-compulsive
10 symptoms of a toxic personality:
10. Holding a grudge, unforgiving, (paranoid personality disorder)
9. inappropriate provocative behavior, (histrionic personality disorder)
8. Sense of entitlement, (narcissistic personality disorder)
7. arrogance, condescending, and pretentious, (narcissistic personality disorder)
6. reckless disregard for safety, (antisocial personality disorder)
5. Inappropriate or constricted affect, coldness, (schizotypal and schizoid personality disorders)
4. Extreme position on conscientiousness: breaking rules versus rigidly adhering to rules, (antisocial and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder)
3. Manipulative, deceitfulness: (narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders)
2. lack of empathy, remorse, or guilt: (narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders)
1. aggression and anger: (antisocial and borderline personality disorders)
People who won’t apologize for mistreating you. This shows that their ego is more important to them than you are. Leave them, they’re toxic.
or people that make YOU apologize to THEM for their bad behavior
their victim narrative it's in an other level
@@carolinacastelan3094 People who mistreat others, feel they have the right to do that. They’re not apologetic their righteous.
@@janetpattison8474 they're truly the worst : (
It sounds like the arrogance aspect of this faux disorder would apply to this
Bravo. Don’t wait til you are 60 year old lady!! ( but it’s okay) just now I begin AGAIN- no more ABUSED by brother.
"Entitlement to have others feel the way they think others should".
That is the monster in the room!
Agreed.
That's the monsters on our streets right now!
I would distill it even further. "Entitlement" is the monster in the room.
Great one!
My ex husband! Boy did his disruptive personality show it’s ugly head after a few drinks.
I would put excessive jealousy / envy in that list too. This is highly destructive.
Isn’t that covered by rigidity
Good one. Excessive jealousy is dangerous. People have murdered people over being excessively jealous. That's why I stayed away from people, especially when I was dating, that were excessively jealous. I was in an abusive relationship with somebody who was always hitting me for perceived affairs when they were the ones doing the cheating. Most of the time, I was studying scriptures for church so the whole situation would have been laughable if it weren't for the spiritual, mental, emotional, psychological and physical abuse. What a mess!
@@dc3174 More specifically, and more easily recognized
@@dc3174 and narccisism.
Jealously leads to vindictive behaviors, sometimes unchecked vindictive behaviors. Jealous people are dangerous. They can and will ruin careers, bully, enlist others to bully, lie about you in ways that make other people revile you, and in some cases, they can resort to physical violence or provoking physical violence against you. Turn your back and walk away. It may make you feel like shit, because they will surely let you know how hurtful YOU are, but stick to your guns. You'll be amazed at how freeing it is.
Holding a grudge is different than setting boundaries and not forgetting abusive behavior.
Thanks, good to know! I can stop wondering about exactly this question.
I agree
I second that!
Yep, in order for a grudge to be quantified, it will require some form of either overt (visibly aggressive), or covert (cowardly and insidious), expression. Grudges, hatred, and envy have a common denominator. They are all fertile ground for lethal toxicity.
Yep, I'm glad someone said it lol
A curious mind like yours is a wonderful trait. Many of the comments rang true as well. Please don’t burn out!
Wtf are you talking about?
@@dougyohooglefrogtownrovers9017 Therapists often burn out from something called Compassion Fatigue. Google it!
He’s a clinician. I doubt he will burn out.
@@kerryberger985 clinicians burn out too.
I have the same curious mind! I cannot get enough of these videos.
I think I have a crazy magnet.
I really hope that he keeps these coming for a very long time, too!
Silent treatment was left out... So toxic.
I welcome silents from toxic ppl. It's not like they have anything to say that I want to hear 🤷♀️
@@reneekatz Yep. The silent treatment/stonewalling is a specific manipulation tactic. "I'm going to refuse to speak to you until you come around to my way of thinking."
I call that one "Ex-girlfriend"
silence and 'the silent treatment' - i.e. rhetorical silence, need to be distinguished. Not all forms of silent responses are equal. the context informs how they ought to be interpreted.
I loved the silent treatment. So arrogant they think it bothers you to be deprived of them. Ha! Being ignored by the monster was blissful.
They love to talk about unconditional love, meaning you should love them unconditionally regardless of how they behave...all the while they attach many, many conditions to their "love" for others, if they are even capable of truly loving others.
Jup toxic people are often hypocrites and come up with some kind of fallacy to deny that.
Sounds like typical BPD/NPD behavior really.
It goes something like this, "You can have unconditional love, as long as you are willing to go along with _my_ conditions." Pretty much sums up the human dilemma in its entirety. Ain't life grand (as opposed to "Grande," doctor 😆)!
I actually had two different people say to me: " You must love me unconditionally, and that includes not making the condition that I not make conditions."
Sounds like my ex.
Sometimes it is so reassuring to hear it from a professional that yes, that person with those traits in your life is indeed toxic. So many toxic people try to gaslight you into thinking you are the problem, so to hear it put so clearly by someone who knows the subject is really very helpful, thank you.
I initially watched this video about 2 years ago. After analyzing the symptoms of a toxic personality, I concluded this was the problem I had with interacting with others. I always knew I had a personality disorder but had problems identifying which one fit me. I had symptoms from several personality disorders but this toxic personality answers the question to my difficulty with others. Since I reviewed my behavior and have taken the advice of Dr. Grande, I became aware of the changes needed to become a better person. I have tremendously improved my relationships with others. My quality of life is so much better with this information. Thank you, Dr. Grande.
Good for you! Improving yourself! ❤
Feel free to elaborate or give examples. Your open honesty is appreciated.
Good for you! Taking Responsibility and what good info from Doc Grande! 🤗 Be Well...
List starts at 5:35
Symptoms of toxicity. (Having any 4 of these would be toxic).
10) Holds a grudge.
9) Inappropriate provocative behaviour (infidelity).
8) Sense of entitlement (includes entitled to their feelings).
7) Being arrogant, condescending, and pretentious.
6) Reckless disregard for the safety of others.
5) Inappropriate or restricted affect.
4) Extreme position on consciousness (breaking all the rules, or rigidly adhering to all the rules).
3) Manipulative and Deceitful.
2) Lack of empathy or remorse.
1) Aggression and Anger. (#1 because most dangerous.)
You rule! Love from Edmonton!
Thanks! I checked 2/10, number 7 (have been arrogant in the past) and 5 (have a lot of trouble expressing emotions in an outwardly tender manner) its great to be able to visualize these qualities in a concise list like this to figure out what you need to work on.
wow..my ex had all.of these..yikes..thank god I got out when.i did
Holding a grudge is the only thing on this list that I do. Idk where its coming from tho. And most of the grudges is with people I don't see that often anyway so good for both parties I guess.
Thank you . This helps so much
I was married to a physically and emotionally abusive man for 22 years. I stayed for a number of reasons, one of which was that every week I was marched into church and told I had to forgive him for his latest physical or verbal outburst. And I did for many years. Without a grudge. Without any anger or aggression in return. So I didn't leave. I kept trying to fix it. Which was a huge mistake that my children paid dearly for. :(
I think that if you are in a toxic relationship with someone, you may find yourself exhibiting anger, coldness, feeling unforgiving, and that's OK. You need these things for strength to leave. I think an absolute key difference is I wouldn't have had these feeling towards anyone else but the person who was being abusive towards me.
Yes, the "church" has enabled abuse. No doubt.
Same thing happened to me, I was told from a very religious friend to pray and be a good wife, I was already doing everything to try to show I loved him. I came home after work never knowing how he would act that day. Physical and mental abuse was a daily issue. I always thought I could help him when he didnt care to change. I was very unintelligent to what it was doing to my children and myself.Learned everyone has to help themselve,, my kindness and trying to help him was useless.
Build your mansion in the sky. Right. How about peace tranquility and honesty on earth.
I hope you're happy you stayed. Now those children will suffer for life. Thanks a lot.
You are so professional. I appreciate the straightforward scientific approach.
I don't care who it is.... if what a person says and what they do are two different things.... steer clear they are nothing but trouble.
Tonithenightowl Yep. 100% agree with this.
Tonithenightowl - Unfortunately ( I think if it’s a professional) it can really be expensive to find out. :(
@Jon B Ikr, and when I see it I do give them an indication, and if they take that as criticism or constructive criticism not my problem.... I did my part, and I get to sleep at night.
True. Learned it the hard way.
Yes true, I always call it out and then distance myself. What they do with it is their choice. Regardless of my B/W borderline thinking and my irrational and hypocritical judgements, holds true.... of say this, do that... or worse in "good ideals" I think this, but project cruel. I condemn myself a bit there but I am improving and no one should stay around, esp if higher end life issues, what used to be called "A walking controdiction"
Hey Doc, you have NO IDEA how your videos help.
Thank you.
List Starts at 5:39
Number one, as Dr. Grande states, there’s absolutely no reason for anyone to be with that type. Absolutely destructive trait.
AMEN!!!!!!!
Tesla was a genius and a looker
Hi Dr. Grande, I believe I have a personality disorder. I have a history of child abuse and neglect. I grew up around unhealthy people and made friends with unhealthy people all the while thinking I was the only healthy one in the mix while being equally unhealthily. That being said, your videos are always very informative, but could you make some videos that explain how us toxic people can reduce our toxicity? I've spent the last year reading tons of books,going to counseling , and listening to audiobooks about why I do the behaviors I do but there's a severe lack on youtube on explanations as to how to effectly have healthy interpersonal relationships. I always approach relationships from a fearful and defensive place at the start but once I feel a little more comfortable i begin oversharing my negative feelings and past hurts to new people. I never knew that was a bad thing and was always confused as to why people would eventually pull away. I want to be better but it's hard to know what to do when you've never seen that modeled. Thank you for reading.
Depending on what behavior you’re talking about, Richard Grannon you tube might be able to help a bit. Check out the videos on CPTSD.
I feel this way as well. I grew up in a very abusive home and experienced assault regularly in my teen years. I feel like I have a lot of toxic traits but I don't know how to not act like this. I feel like I should just not be close to anyone because I feel like I may hurt them. I overshare quite alot as well to my partner. I have a ptsd diagnosis but I believe I might have a personality disorder as well. I wish you well on your journey. Hope you are safe.
That’s wonderful you have insight to recognize your behavior . Just keep working in healthy attachment styles , therapy and addressing your trauma . Talking and Emdr therapy has helped me :-)
@Juliette M Richard Grannon is not a professor of psychology, however, he is very well worth listening to, prob more than a lot of psychologists. As for Sam Vankin, he has made a career out of speaking on narcissism as though he is an authority, he is not. For starters narciisists have very little ability to self reflect .... apart from that 'self confessed one' (apparently). Listen to him sure, but do not accept everything he (or anyone else claims ) unequivocally as being bona fide!
There are three things that can help you a lot. Smooth Jazz, Yoga, and dark chocolate. You can do Yoga, take a shower, then listen to smooth jazz while drinking a hot dark chocolate. This will begin to stabilize you emotionally. All emotional and psychological difficulties are rooted in self-esteem problems. A healthy self-esteem is the key, according to Napoleon Hill (read his books).
This has been so enlightening. I now know why I feel upset around certain people. I thought I was too sensitive.
Thank you Dr. Grande!
"Not feeling sorry is a block to being forgiven." YESSSSS!
Hell yea 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙌🙌💯💯
The education that I am receiving from this channel is having a profound positive effect on my life and the lives around me. Thank you so much for providing this type of content!
Excellent video! - Just making people miserable, spoiling happiness and good mood for others is toxic, especially damaging for children. Imagine being around people who make you feel uneasy. You literally feel them sucking you out emotionally. It’s like a physical assault.
Yes I call it emotional cannibalism
As we all do get angry I'd like you to talk about how to communicate anger without hurting the other and damage relationships.
I think there are two components: 1.) Learning how to be an effective communicator 2.) Understanding yourself and your emotions = being able to communicate your needs and concerns in a constructive way.
A simple thing to do - just step away when you feel angry and take your time to calm down. Never try to have a conversation in a negative state.
This would be my first step. Second - learn do control your emotions. Its not true that all of us get angry. Try a simple breathing exercise at the beginning and work your way up from there with other techniques.
@@christiany3698 Everybody gets angry under the right circumstances. Anger is a fundamental human emotion. Awareness/mindfulness/breathing can help recognize one's feelings, calm down physically and mentally, effectively cutting the emotional response shorter. Not saying this to argue, but it's important to recognize that the goal can't be to never experience the feeling of anger. A more fruitful goal could be to minimize it's negative impacts on oneself and others and learn how to heal relationships (as opposed to trying to never feel anger and thus inevitably feel disappointed in oneself for not reaching this impossible goal).
Anyways, your tip on breathing exercise and not trying to have conversations while angry are gold.
@@NomoSapienss Good point of view which makes sense. I have to ponder on it for a while.
Teal definitely has a polarising personality... people either love her or hate her. It's interesting.
Toxic Personality
(1) Holding a grudge - unforgiving, unhealed
(2) Infidelity -
(3) Sense of entitlement - having without working, giving, loving, caring
(4) Arrogant -frustrating progress
(5) Disregard for safety -
(6) Coldness - not sensitive to another’s feelings
(7) Breaking rules - OCPD - low conscientious -
(7.2) Sticking to the rules -inflexible
(8) Manipulative - deceitful - stop growth
(9) Justified - Never guilty - no empathy -lack of effective and cognitive logics
(10) Aggressive - no progress - bad outcome - expression of anger - manipulative with hurtful behaviour -destructive
My ex husband was a rageaholic. One of his excuses is that he was angry in the moment and let it go; I should too. Didn't seem to care that it doesn't work that way. No remorse.
And you have the flipside: I am a heavy swearer when I'm frustrated, but I close his room's door when I feel that way, so I don't disturb him.
He says that I'm abusive with him for making him endure that.
The problem is that he is having and procrastination all day, while I work my ass off 8 hors a day in a very stressful job, so I think that he's being insensitive.
A couple times he approached me and gave me a hug, and then I calmed immediately, so why did he prefers to do nothing and then hold a grudge against me for being toxic?
Relatives who spew garbage at you when they're angry and then after they calm down say that it didn't count because they were upset. I guess it only counts if they can destroy your self esteem when they are feeling calm and rational. Made no sense to me.
@@barbarastrayhorn4667 I don't say anything to him, I swear at my coworkers or my boss (one of the perks of working from home is that you can vent and nobody will know), or just a big old F bomb here and there.
It's never about him, yet he takes it personal for "upsetting him"...
Sounds like my Husband he suffered intermittent Explosive Disorder. He loses control and has no recollection (He sees Red) almost like a altered state of consciousness. Therapy was a must! Sucks being on the receiving end hope you found it in your heart to forgive him and most important yourself. I now I struggled with letting go of the past. Crucial to my growth. Best of luck
@@cynzix it would piss me off and hurt me too. I have a father like that and it destroys the whole mood inside
Dr Grande you are a very skilled teacher. The ability to make a complex subject easy to understand and interesting at the same time is a true skill. Thank you.
As you described your list of “toxic personality” I realized I know people who have many of those characteristics. Through my own work with a therapist, I can now say I have terminated my relationships with those people. They just were not worth the time and effort to maintain a connection.
Its weird though because some people get aid and understanding with the problems they have and their interests from society and the culture, while others have to work through them themselves and be percieved worse, with more suspicion and less understanding, because the aid and understanding that can come from established or encouraged societal or cultural perspectives and make the process more automatic and easier isnt there
I think being screamed at is a real dealbreaker and also in front of people down the street too !!
That comes under anger and aggression
Like my narc husband and his sister,well described here.
Had this done to me by a co-worker I know longer speak to her.
Oh yes, this with my mum and now no longer
Depends on who's screaming; the narcissistic abuser or the victim?
Dr. Grande's videos are a masterclass in how one can become more knowledgeable and also a better person!
Thank you for this video 💜
Based on your list, my ex partner was definitely a toxic person. The number one point of anger/aggression definitely applied to him.
I walked on eggshells never knowing what I might say or do to set him off & I lived that way for over 3 years. Im so glad I found the strength to leave.
Had a husband like what you commented. I made excuses for his behavior thinking he would change after 25 years. I divorced him, I waited to long to get out should have left when I was younger.
💯🙏🏽💯🙏🏽🙌🙌only way is no contact
What made my relationship toxic: rigidity, control, refusal to work on problems, silent treatment, cyclical arguments, total disregard for my needs (like seeming angry whenever I was sick), unpredictability. The ones on the list I do think existed were entitlement, arrogance, anger, manipulation, disregard for safety, lack of empathy.
did we date the same person??.lol
~ditto~ but still ongoing
@@matheresagonzaga7376 ...yes. our marital counselor had to tell me. I didn't even know what that was at the time. I left in 2017 after 27 years of marriage and I'm still a mess.
I think you must have dated my ex-husband.
@@aug3014 😂😂😂 Cluster B’s Behave the Same. Too Toxic they Say they don’t any Problems and instead, it’s the other person who needs to work on themselves. Simply LEAVE for the sake of your Sanity😅
Wow my ex has/had at least 4 on that list. I am still suffering the after effects, he is still blackening my name wherever he goes.
Thank you Dr Grande! 😊
Excellent extrapolation and selection of toxic behaviors. You also gave great explanations for your choices.
As always, a very interesting discussion. I see this post of yours as essentially a public service announcement. Unfortunately, I am a person who is prone to entering into a relationships that are toxic. I tend to think the best of people, try to “save” people experiencing difficulty or sadness, not sufficiently defend my boundaries, and avoid conflict. These traits, coupled with shyness, have facilitated my entry into 3 significant relationships, two failed marriages and one uniquely devastating long-term relationship with what I now understand to be a narcissist, who really did lasting damage to my psyche. My level of distrust, resentment, and anger are so high now, I worry that I, myself, may be turning into a toxic person. Your list will be helpful to me in the future so as not to fall so easily victim to toxic people.
Hypothetical personality disorders....I love it! And only Dr. Grande could pull that off with gusto!
I'm not really sure how this hypothetical "toxic personality disorder" would add value to the DSM, since it's a lot like covert narcissism.
But I do think that issues like "compulsive buying disorder" or a more generic variant for example could be a thing.
Fascinating. Really enjoyed this. Agree on the anger: feeling anger is one thing, acting on it in a destructive, harmful way is another….
Dr. Grande...I just found your TH-cam site a few weeks ago. I have watched hour's of your videos already and I can honestly say that you have taught me the answers too so many things that I have wondered about for year's. You are an excellent Doctor and I am so grateful to have found you. Your wisdom is priceless. Thank you
The most toxic action that a person can take (to me) is setting people up to be humiliated, blackmailed, stalked, or manipulated (by various questioning techniques) into creating false illusions. Also, holding grudges, being rigid and on to anger (revenge seeking).
I find how a person acts while driving as a good litmus test. If they have often inappropriate road rage episodes then they probably would eventually turn that aggression on me. So far my theory has unfortunately been proven correct
I agree. Anyone bragging about road rage I steer clear of.
Try driving with them as a passenger and see if they are backseat drivers who have gross over-reactions to every perceived infraction/mistake you supposedly "commit". THEN have them drive, and count the number of times THEY do exactly what they criticise you for, with numerous other, and more dangerous, ones to boot.
I had someone road rage at me yesterday as I slowed down and turned right a little abruptly, I did use my blinker....i had seen my son needed a ride and I stopped for him. This guy who was following me screamed F- you so loud I jerked the wheel and almost hit the curb. I hope I never see or hear him again. It actually scared me a bit.
Omg, my first ex was super angry every time he drove! 😱😱😱
In fact I left him after a 10-yr long marriage! Couldn't stand his toxicity anymore!
Good observation!
And that's every box ticked for a colleague of mine. I'm so glad he does not work on my team anymore because it was a very stressful time back then :/
Very helpful! We always find reason why is it ok to be frustrated, angry, holding a grudge. Respecting others starts with little things, which are extremely difficult to see. When we talk about personality disorders we talking about crimes and serious boundaries violation, but the relatively small infractions actually are also toxic, destructive and hurtful..
I would add being judgmental, overly critical, and speaking badly about others (not in therapy settings) to the list.
Great list of 10 behaviors that are toxic. Attributing any 4 of them would be a toxic person...
Where would being hypersensitive to criticism and never saying sorry or apologizing for anything with blame shifting. Could be a combination of #2 & #3 sliding into #1?
Yes, I knew that I had a toxic marriage, but 10 for 10+ WHEW!
I’m sick & tired of dealing with anger maniacs, Who believe they have a right to blast you with their anger over trivial incidents. I say “bye-bye”.
2-3 outta 10 !!! I feel good " But , I still feel like I need alot of work personally !! I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else !! God" knows I want & need to continue to work on myself !! Thank 💞 you
This was such a great smorgasbord! Thank you. I have seen such a complex tapestry of co-morbidity in several people close to me, I have had trouble placing them into just one box. I really appreciate this. Thanks again.
Not entirely sure you know what co morbidity means. My cancer and Fibromyalgia (which seems to incite cancers, yay me) and the histamine cascade I had are co-morbidities to me catching cv19, or practically any other infection (and if you think that bundle of joy is over, think again) but being a vicious little a-hole is not a condition that puts your health at risk.. Unless your wife happens to have a large joint in the fridge she can belt you with (Roald Dahls adult stories are absolutely hilarious)...
Very interesting topic, Dr. Grande.
When you have the chance, please talk about people with Aspergers/high functioning autism and relationships.
Thank you.
Great Idea! So underdiagnosed especially in women and because of this can create real issues in close friendships and relationships. Professor Tony Attwood has a great lecture here on YT 'Girls and Aspergers' which is so full of usefull information and advice including relationships including with items as well as people! Enjoy
@Angela Cret - Why does Dr. Grande have to talk about Asperger's/ autism? There are plenty of videos on TH-cam already - there is no cure, or pills to take for normalcy ... whatever "normalcy" means.
@@warriormanmaxx8991
Because a true scientist will always look for answers to a problem where there are no answers (not yet !). I perceive Dr. Grande as a scientist who did not stop looking for answers.
Wow! You have 95k subscribers!!! I started watching you early on and you have hundreds of comments now too. Thanks for sharing all your knowledge.
It is very real and I call it "Mother"
😧
Hugs. I just went no contact with mine after almost 55 years of toxic sludge eminating from her hateful lips.
Yup! Mine too!
Yes & there’s lots of ppl who have 4 +, unfortunately
Thank you very much for your clarifications about the idea of 'toxic' vs an actual disorder. I am always grateful when people are clear about things like that.
Sounds pretty toxic to me! 😪😡 I’ve been on the receiving end. Not nice!
Formed an escape plan yet????
I held a grudge and destroyed two relationships, but I had to. To act like what they had done was ok was more toxic to me.
Always interesting to hear what you have to say. It seems to be a very common catch phrases the toxic person and not wanting negativity. I always felt that I wanted to be kind and not dispose of people that are struggling. I have learned the difference between feelings and emotions vs. Simply bad behavior and abuse. I remove myself from those individuals lives that display bad or abusive behavior towards me.
Its a good checklist. Sometimes i cant say someone having personality disorder, but in my gut i sense something went terriblely wrong of this person, it helps for evaluating that persons toxicity.
Wow awesome video! 👏👏👏 Please share more of your hypothesis in future videos! 😀😀
My favorite line: “Now, I am not creating disorders here for the DSM”. 🌿👀🌿 I love it! 🤣😂🤣👍👍THANK U, Grande! I’m always looking for something to turn into funny & it speaks no ill of you! It is just my goofy, over-educated & under-utilized brain🤪!
😄😄😄
He cracks me up on just about every video. I love this guy.
10) Holding a grudge and being unforgiving.
9) Inappropriate provocative behaviour e.g infidelity
8) Sense of entitlement
7)Arrogant,condescending and pretentious
6)Reckless disregard for the safety of others
5)Inappropriate or constricted affect or coldness. Blocks tenderness safety and Sensitivity.
4)Extreme position on conscientiousness. Lack of regard or rigid adherence to rules.
3) Being manipulative and deceitful
2)Lack of empathy ( cognitive & affective) and remorse. Guilt
1)Agression and Anger
Dependent and avoidant personality not included.
Great list! I'd be bothered by only one of these behaviours showing up consistently.
I live with a toxic and have worked for narcissist people. I just have a sense of unease when in their company,stuff doesn't add up. I don't want to be with them. I also find I cannot be authentic with them.
Yes, being authentic is dangerous, because once they know what type of person you are, they'll use your personality against you by means of manipulation or passive-aggressive provocation.
To me, holding a grudge is a level of entitlement. It’s like justifying oneself as so important that being wronged never deserves grace.
Well said. The idea of holding a grudge seems totally exhausting to me. Hatred by some people also seems so terribly tiring that I just don't see how they do it so passionately. I guess hatred can be a unifying factor that appeals to people who are insecure and need other people but are generally rejected by others. So all the hateful people band together and they feel more secure and fulfilled. Then those groups make the rest of society's lives miserable and dangerous. Humans are such an enigma.
Wow. This is so wise and true
I never thought of it that way. You're so right!!
That was so well analyzed... and this is coming from the queen of grudge holding! It’s not so much holding on to hatred for me it’s more like “you done me wrong and hurt me so I’m going to create a world in my head where you never existed and if I run into you, you are now a stranger I am forced to me cordial with and nothing more”
It depend what the grudge is about. Why should you be allowed to get way with anything, expecting to be forgiven.
Uncontrollable anger and rage I dealt with in myself towards others until I was 50. I was toxic and I understand why it scores the highest value. After much prayer, one day, thank God, it released from me. I’m enjoying my life now for 11 years... and so are all those around me. Of course, not everyone has forgiven me. Keep praying. I prayed intensely for 15 years for help, it wasn’t overnight. I’m hoping your freedom comes sooner.
Trying to have a relationship with someone with many or most of these traits is definitely crazy making. I’m so glad I found this information and have been set free from justifying their behavior.
Ya can’t sorry I had to boot his ass out hell no life too short live everyday as it is your last tomorrow never promised 🙏🏽💯🙏🏽💯🙌💥💥💥🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
@tammyfitzgerald5336 you are a narcissist
Dear Dr. Grande, thank you for sharing your experience, kindness and wisdom with the world. Sadly, most of those traits you describe exist in most of my work associates, and a few of my family members. This discussion also has the listener reflect on their own behavior, which may be part of your intention here... I know I did :) Again, thank you kind sir.
Dr. Grande, im really glad you made this video, in my opinion it was really needed. ill definitely be sharing this with my friends. thank you.
I love your videos Dr. Grande, mainly because you present both sides of the subject, as completely as you can and fairly. You may state your opinion, yet put forward the scientific facts, as you've studied them. Thank you for your time and expertise. I am very grateful.
Brilliant and thoughtful analysis. We need a "malignantly annoying" symptom.
Someone for instance who puts you down, then commiserates that it's such a shame you're a mediocre person.
Dumping your anger onto others is like letting rip loud and smelly farts in confined public space.
I love your videos. Pls how can I deal with jealous ( envious) people? Can you make a video? Tks
I think your list was very well thought out. I would probably add pathological lying, this one is pretty toxic. I am glad you added lack empathy at the second place, that makes total sense. Empathy is a concept that I find it fascinating, it took me a long time to comprehend that some people have no empathy, in fact I still don’t know if I can fully understand that.
Such a nice video, truly enjoyable!❤️
Another trait i would include is hypocrisy: in effect hold those you have in relationships to a double standard. “you need to follow the rules, but I am above the rules.” My father used to say , “Do as I say, not as I do” thanks again Dr.G
👍🏻 Dr. Grande! Perfect explanation of the dangerous personalities. 💗 💕 💗 Hope your having a good summer. 😊
I fit that profile Doc. Thanks for crafting this analysis. Great work!
I think, if you feel confused about what's happening, that's a good starting indicator the person may be toxic. For me it's Anger (bullying, threatening), lying (gaslighting), controlling (forcing their will on you), arrogance/entitlement, bearing a grudge (from a real or imagined hurt) and posing as the victim. And alcoholism/substance abuse often goes hand in hand.
Thank you for these videos, I have PTSD and have an impaired judgement emotionally (which I am working on) and was a people pleaser to the leader of my group. I gave up my money, house, and friends for what I thought was spiritual. I traveled to Bali with the group summer 2019. I was used, phyically, emotionally, and sexually.
Excellent video, dr. Grande, as always. Really interesting and useful. Thank you!
That was EXCELLENT but also not surprising :)
Agree.
This is so useful in order to really be able to name symptoms of a toxic personality, in both directions, recognising why others' behaviours are so problematic but also in supporting self-awareness, recognising times that I might be contributing to pain in a relationship. Your videos so far are very clear and well expressed.
So brilliant! You have helped me and my grandchildren so much in dealing with a highly manipulative daughter/mother who is possibly Borderline/ Bipilar/Historonic and everything you named..
I too have been helped by Dr Grande, my daughter is currently keeping my grandchildren from me, my heart is broken from the loss and fear for my grandchildren. She is diagnosed BPD, but this list fits her better. This is hard stuff!
Been going to therapy and addressing my rage issues ... I always suspected that I had Borderline traits, especially when I was younger and in response to my childhood, but I also struggle with holding a grudge and not forgiving certain people. It's not a whole lot but my mother is among them and one or two people who remind me of my mother and have tried to hurt me, I just can't change my mind about them. Not sure why I can't let that go yet.
When I did dbt, I learned that my rage was what was described to me as a secondary emotion, ie. I couldn't cope with my sadness and fear of abandonment leading to my anger at having those emotions. It takes alot of practise, but learning to cope with uncomfortable emotions, greatly reduced the incidence of rages. I would recommend Dbt to anyone that wants to learn skills that can help overcome borderline traits.
I'm in the same boat
I don't believe that forgiveness is always the goal. I don't obsess over past hurts, but I have no desire to tell myself the major ones don't matter anymore. They helped make me who I am, for better or worse. I'm not telling anyone else to adopt my
view, just expressing it.
It only hurts you, to keep using energy on holding grudges. And if you act on these grudges, it makes you look insane.
On Number 1, I think passive aggression, as seen with covert narcissism, would also be included. So, less shouting, hitting, throwing things, but more underhanded destructive behavior (accidentally on purpose) - breaking something - like a delicate clock, or door latch, or harming a pet, etc. Or damaging, hiding, tossing out, important items (phone laptop, photos, jewelry, great-grandmas quilt, etc.)
This is really helpful. It is possible for a person to have harmful, toxic traits without having a full on disordered personality. People who want to improve their ability to function and connect with others CAN benefit from psychopathology and its concepts, in trying to identify what parts of them are dysfunctional and need healing - not necessarily self-diagnosing over the internet (self-diagnosing often seems to lead to all energy being spent into finding a diagnosis that "fits" instead of actually taking steps to improve one's mentality or current condition), but identifying behavior, thoughts and patterns that are harmful and unreasonable, and figuring out how to curb them and replace them with healthy habits.
I think you hit a point on #4 when you brought up about either following rules exactly or not following rules... what I notice from toxic personalities often can switch extremes when it benefits themselves. Break rules they don’t like, the virtue signaling when people are watching.
I have Borderline because of a very toxic family, who had it too
:'(
Patrick, having BPD is not a toxic curse. Never be ashamed of having a mental illness - stigmas need to go. 💙
@@TheOptimistikChic Thank you and I do understand that. When my therapist was able to get me to acknowledge, or more like admit, that my mother and grandmother (primary caregivers) were both *Ill* I felt a massive empathy, understanding, relief.... but the intensity of it all did not go away in a moment and will be at it a while.
@@mirjanadolenec3099 Ikr and thanks, I am extremely fortunate to have a very good therapist and progress is good!
@@patrickhanson712 You are more than welcome. I have bipolar disorder and PTSD - however, my PTSD came from a death I witnessed in my immediate family when I was young. Many of my symptoms are very similar to borderline. I have had my illness for 40 years - and I would like to say this to you - never lose hope. Life can improve. 🙂
Hit the nail on the head with this one mate!
Great video dr. Grande! Grateful for your painstaking videos!
This is the BEST one yet! I will listen to this many times..thank you Dr. Grande for helping me navigate my way through this great big world! The word "conciencentious"" to me, means being mindful and aware.
It's almost unbelievable, but your videos are still more brilliant and on a very highly excellent educational level. Thank you so much Dr. Grande 👍
I miss passive aggressive behaviour, but maybe it can be included with aggression itself and probably we can see this behaviour with several personality disorders, like BPD, NPD and the construct of vulnerable narcissism?
The problem with people who have OCPD is that they often demand also these perfectionistic behaviours from others. You're not allowed to make mistakes, so you're going to walk on eggshells.
Thanks for the list in the description!
Have a good evening doc 😃
Not Not sure that anger should come first or even be in the list at all. Anger is constructive if it gets someone to seek justice or heal themselves of hurt. It can be the engine of ambition and if you stifle anger by dismissing it , that can lead to all kinds of mental health issues. Displaying it inappropriately should be the key point here -taking it out of innocent people, constantly using it as an excuse not to move on. It is not anger that is the problem it is the inappropriate processing of that emotion that makes it so problematic. I would put being 'superficial and indifferent' in that list too. If people don't care enough about the people around them how can that be good for society and relationships? I would put lack of empathy at No.1 and Jealousy and Envy ought to be in that list too, which often does lead to destructive behaviours like bullying. My list would be:
1. Lack of Empathy (if you can't wear someone else's shoes, you can't relate to someone's pain properly and can't right a wrong)
2. Indifference and Superficiality of relationships (lack of true caring - using and exploitative)
3. Inability to process anger properly to good effect (to heal or act to improve a situation)
4. Jealousy / Envy (we live in an imperfect, unequal world. We need to cope with that healthily not take out frustration out on others)
5. Passive Aggressive behaviours (lack of communication to punish someone instead of dealing with an issue head-on)
6. Lack of Accountability : Arrogance / Entitlement (unwilling to submit to a higher being /God- no spiritual values means unfettered behaviours)
7 Obsessiveness and refusal to move on (lack of forgiveness to move on - get stuck in hatred)
8. Over-dependency (co-dependency is damaging if you breach boundaries or can't respect characteristics you don't have or agree with)
9. Dishonesty and lying - shows lack of respect for relationships)
10. Inflexibility (not getting on with people, being willing to cooperate or compromise) - essential in any relationship
Holding a grudge. Inappropriate provocative behavior. Sense of entitlement. Being arrogant and condescending. Disregard for others safety. Coldness. Extreme inflexibility of either breaking all the rules or perfectionism. Manipulation and lying. Lack of empathy or remorse. Aggression and anger mixed together. A combination of any four could be considered toxic. Thanks Dr. Grande.
I'm not sure I agree with your No.1, Dr Grande. There are a lot of situations whereby anger can be perfectly justified and should be expressed too. You see someone abusing a child, an animal, someone being bullied at work. All of these would give rise to justifable anger and could result in action being taken to stop the abusing behaviour. I think the reason behind the anger says a lot more than the expressed anger itself. Of course, I'm not talking about spontaneous or disproportionate anger that results in violence or anger when someone is simply not getting their own way and they start being abusive and threatening. But there is justifiable anger and unjustifiable anger and you haven't differentiated between them. Furthermore, I believe that aggression when expressed can be done in different ways not just expressed temper. This can be silent treatment, manipulation, vindictiveness and revenge, not just fist thumping and shouting. Aggressive behaviour is, I believe, any behaviour that doesn't take another's feelings into account, whilst passive behaviour is any behaviour that denies their own rights and feelings. Assertive behaviours are those that are ideal. I would put Aggression as No.1 not Anger.
Shortcuts (click on blue M:SS time stamp):
5:36 10. Holding a grudge and being unforgiving
6:34 09. Inappropriate provocative behavior
7:08 08. Sense of entitlement
8:13 07. Being arrogant, condescending and pretentious
9:00 06. Reckless disregard for the safety of others
9:31 05. Coldness
10:14 4. Extreme position conscientiousness
11:39 3. Being manipulative, deceitful
12:09 2. Lack of empathy, remorse, guilt
13:13 1. Aggression, anger
One thing I do not forgive is a narcissist gut and face and neck punching a small woman.
Any one of those behaviors would make someone toxic.
Excellent Dr Grande 💜 you've really used your experience wisely to come up with this. In my life the hostile, superior, much older brother, fits toxic personality towards me, according to this insightful list of personality criteria. Thank you. I couldn't believe how spot on you were.
This topic help us to navigate in situations where we don't fell confortable to label someone as a cluster b, in the other hand, the toxic behavior are quite self explanatory and reveals what kind of person we are dealing with and so we can take appropriated decisions and move on. Thanks for the excelent work.
Thank you so much! I love it! Toxic personality is very similar to narcissistic personality disorder. 🙁🔥
Avoidance is extremely toxic and destructive. AVPD reeks havoc interpersonally. Not only does it invalidate the partner emotionally and physically, but it is often overlooked and underrepresented. Having an avoidant partner is extremely frustrating, humiliating, and down right invalidating in general. I think avoidance may be one of the WORST criteria in terms of toxicity and should’ve been added to the list at LEAST if not in the top 5. My opinion though, coming from experience.
Yes! It's very invalidating and abusive with a partner that never wants to resolve conflict.
Misanthropic Bihhh especially when the people around you begin to question the victim as the avoider does so like they are doing nothing wrong. Knee jerk reactions become mistaken as a valid and authentic reaction to “negative” behavior.
@@Billybean843 precisely! It's infuriating and so damaging because from my experience, I did start questioning myself whether or not was I tripping; Is it all me?
Great comment!
Misanthropic Bihhh oh extremely. I went through it too and pray to GOD I don’t experience it ever again. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Thank you very much!!! It often goes under the radar as it doesn’t have that many faucets to show itself and is usually high functioning in nature, but the damage it does to the victim is profound and extremely toxic. Happy to meet someone who went through something similar ☺️☺️☺️♥️
@@Billybean843 I'm sorry you went through that. Just know it wasn't you.
Xoxo
Doctor my poor sister apparently fits all of these things…and yet doesn’t seem to know or care about toxicity.
Thank you for the clarity of this description.
Well this was an eye opening video for me. Love the systematic way you explain the material. Thanks Dr. Grande. Will listen a 2nd time.
I know one sign of a toxic personality. When you say to your mate "hey, look what I learned from Dr. Grande today" and you get "who is Dr. Grande?? Another man!?" "He's on TH-cam." "Who is TH-cam!? Another man!?"
Nah thats just a sign your mate is a actually a caveman
Pmsl
😂oh my.....
Boy how I felt after we broke up, didn’t want to let him go... Took me years to get over him... Now I realise he wasn’t good for me... He is a policeman of 34 years, he lie, he abused me so bad Plus my own daughter as well, he cheated, he con me. No wonder my Doctor told me he was a sociopath... Maybe having a Convert Narcissistic Mother had something about why I pick this partner ? Loving all your videos thank you so much from Australia 🇦🇺.
Yea alot of police officers are the same.
Power hungry ego trip.
I dont know how woman always go for the Most piece of shit Men.
Nice guys always finish last that's a fact
Thank you Dr Grande it takes a lot of mental effort and work to comes up with toxic personality list.
This list has a dual purpose as it is helpful for anyone who wishes to avoid trouble and helpful for all those who wish not to be the trouble.
Thank you for your time on this subject, I am understanding the differences and this will help me with my future relationships on all levels. 🙏