Gay men, sex addiction and the lack of true connection in the gay community
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 พ.ค. 2024
- Join the Gay Men's Brotherhood on facebook: / gaymensbrotherhood
I’ve spent most of my late 20’s and early 30’s trying to heal from the toxic shame that led me into a crack addiction and sexual compulsive behaviours.
It took me a long time to get to a place where I felt comfortable taking off my mask and showing up in my wholeness without shame trying to convince me to put my mask back on.
This road has led to some interesting findings and I want to share them with you because maybe you can relate to my experiences.
I spent a greater part of my life not knowing how to have meaningful connections with other gay men.
Not knowing how to share intimacy without sex, and most definitely not knowing how to be vulnerable with other gay men because I thought it would make me undesirable.
What I didn’t realize is that my vulnerability actually made me relatable and this relatability is how I began to find connection with other gay men.
Once I stopped hiding and let my authenticity be seen, I started to attract the type of people into my life who make me feel wholesome.
Gay men have a tendency to overcompensate with the physical connection because they don’t feel comfortable to show up in the mental, emotional and spiritual parts of their being.
We have internalized the societal message that we aren’t good enough because we are different. Shame has culturally been ingrained into us because of this. If we don’t resolve this shame, we let it control us into keeping our inner most parts of our being hidden and these are the parts of us that need connection.
We all yearn for this type of connection but are you willing to take off your mask to get it?
Most people aren’t and this is why drug, alcohol and sex addiction is so rampant in our community.
We are all looking for connection but the physical is the only way we know how to meet it.
After a sexual encounter you may feel a release or a form of connection but it may feel shallow for you and this is why we tend to think quantity is the answer but I can assure you it is quality of connection most people are yearning for.
If you are yearning for a deeper quality connection, you are not alone.
There are many people that are yearning for this and not getting this need met. They keep searching for quantity of connections and prevent themselves from feeling a deeper sense of fulfillment and connection.
In order to move past this toxic shame, we need to make peace and honour the feelings we felt when we came out that pushed us out of the closet, but further into ourselves.
We do this by allowing ourselves to feel pride in who we are and compassion for who we aren’t.
Go back to the time when you came out and sit with those feelings that arose for you. Hold space for yourself to feel the anger, hurt, rejection, shame, disappointment, fear, etc. and begin to give yourself permission to move past those feelings so you can step into your authenticity and find the connections you are yearning for.
Want more resources on how to heal shame?
Join the Gay Men's Brotherhood on facebook:
/ gaymensbrotherhood
Connect with me on social media for more inspiration to take with you on your journey:
► linktr.ee/inspiredtobeauthentic
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I am a 43-year-old gay man that has always struggled in the gay community where I never felt like I belonged because in gay culture if you don't look like a model with a 6-pack abs then you are not wanted. Because that is all you see on social media and in marketing ads, The gay community has issues with ageism, racism, fat shaming, and all that. There is a lot that we don't talk about in the gay community.
@@butterbean3676 Are You Single? I,m Interested
Are you from Ohio
No longer single@@ericfreshcorn3590
I live in Florida@@ericfreshcorn3590
Sorry you went through that
My experience says gay loneliness and sadness starts around puberty. Straight friends were dating girls and dealing with getting their hearts broken, feeling love, and engaged in healthy friendships. Gay men often don’t get those experiences until years later. Gay men often end up with stunted sexuality and try to rush everything to gain back the experiences missed in earlier years. Trying to catch up is impossible and keeps gay men from connecting with deep relationships- instead focus on alcohol, drugs, and sex.
This is what I mentioned to a “professor” on TH-cam who was saying that homosexuals are narcissists because they are so much about just having sex and they have sex with the same sex which according to him it’s like having sex with themselves because well they have the same body parts or at least this is how I understood what he said… I was like what??? How is he a professor, but doesn’t understand what you mentioned in your comment
Straight people are as unhealthy, not authentic, and even phonier than gay people are, the difference is, that they have no ways to question themselves and what is going wrong with a society that has used and abused sexuality - among other topics - to instrumentalize people in the worst of manners.
I work in this field and society has a massive problem with relationships and emotionality.
Wow this is an incredible comment. This really sums up my feelings as a gay man. I am 21 years old and have never been in or have come close to a relationship before.
Omg so relatable
@@nicocuevas2005Me asf, also 21 and im tired of grindr and all that bullshit
As a young gay man, it has always been difficult for me to connect with men in the same way I can with women. With women, I find more support and feel a real connection where there is a space for our emotions, but with men, it is just something sexual or a physical attraction. It's frustrating :( Listening to you talk about this makes me feel so understood. Thank you.
You will notice this changes as you age - women seem to become more and more problematic and will discard you readily for female friendship (female ingroup bias) or a threatened boyfriend
That is the case in straight relationships too. Take out the sex and nothing is left. This comes down to the fact that friendships are more meaningful than relationships.
Reason why alot of women are choosing to be single these days because alot of men are just about sex and using people for their pleasure. I'm a woman who has been single and celebate for years and lost interest in most men. I won't be with a woman either because it is unnatural to me and against my believes and I see women as sisters.
The difference between women dating men and men dating men is that most women don't tolerate men being promiscuous and having open relationships whereas in the gay community it is rare to find a monogamous relationship as everyone is sleeping with everyone including their friends. Men will always be men except for the few that have done worked on themselves on an emotional, mental and spiritual level. If most women allowed open relationships as the gay community does, most men in heterosexual relationships will gladly take it. The common denominator here is men.
Take care!
@@The.steppenWolf I can't answer you; TH-cam removes my comments every time I try to share my contact info. :(
I checked out of the gay scene and the apps about 7 years ago and decided to focus on my relationship with myself. I've never been more mentally and emotionally stable and self-secure. It's done me the world of good. I work out most days, take good care of myself and have a few good friends I can speak to about anything. I am turning 40 this year and I feel this is going to be the best year yet. Thanks for uploading the great content!
Completely agree with you!
Hot.
I wish you all the best that life has to offer! 😊
Thank you@@shapiro9640
I am also doing what you are doing. I always sought out to feel validation and being on apps really wasn't bringing me what I want out if life
This was accurate. Even gay men in relationships are often lacking the type of connection they truly desire.
Yes I wholeheartedly agree!
why not what's the problem?
Can anyone really be authentic via alcohol or meth? Yes, humans generally and gay men especially throughout the coming out process NEED authentic connections, need mentors, friends, allies, and tolerant co-workers, but alcoholism and drug addiction seem to generate increasingly remote and brittle personas for their hosts that perpetuate bitchy stereotypes and that seem to 'authenticly' normalize a toxic lifestyle, sex addiction, and eventually an ideology that glorifies initiation and personal degradation. This cancerous process along with the digital technologies and gagetry that has isolated and damaged pretty much everyone str8 or gay who used them uncritically during their formative years has, I believe, so damaged our community at so many levels that even the idea of authenticity, being real, keeping it real, being completely honest, whatever it is that banishes if only momentarilly the starved lonliness of American life, will fade further from collective memory....unless we attend to the socio-economic and political institutions and policies which erode the lived cultural patterns within which the particular language, terms, schemas, emotional intelligence, community norms and standards, shared expectations, and above all compassion permit such authenticity to be experienced, recognized, valued, and propogated in individuals' awareness. The course that Matt proposes reminds me of Gay University that we developed in Seattle in the 90s, Body Electric, Shanti, Billies, CMG, and so many other training, volunteering, practicing groups, going back to Harry Hayes' motivation behind the Radical Faeries. Are there such groups around today, working to help create a viable LGBTQ community or sanctuary worth sacrificing for? We all need to be supporting such work...while those of us with any political or public influence at all have much work cut out for us as well. Apologies, I seem to have turned what should have been a brief comment into a journal entry, or worse - a soapbox! Cheers for your patience and Best to you, Matt, in All Things.
What do you think that is?
Homosexual sex actually pushes men apart. You've been made to believe it brings you closer but that's a lie. If you truly love a man you'll build him up, putting his needs before yours and make a man out of him, not castrate him by using him for sexual pleasure.
You have described why I feel so out of place in the gay community. I seek connection. Sex alone isn't enough anymore. Thank you for articulating it for me.
You seek co-dependence, not a true connection. You should spend more time learning to love yourself.
@@The_Black_Anarchist are you gay?
@@valerydesire4515 Are you nosy and annoying?
@@The_Black_Anarchist are you judgmental and a asshat?
@@oliverjones2426 Ummm... It's the people who claim that gays who aren't heteronormative suffer "sex addictions" and can't establish "true connections" who are judgmental dummy.
This was the most largest separation between myself and "gay life". I wanted a real, "normal", LTR and it seemed everyone around me wanted to just screw everyone in sight. I've been in a 13 year long, monogamous relationship and have never been happier.
❤❤❤❤❤
I wanted to just screw around. However, I had a hook up go wrong. Sixteen years later (14 living together, two years dating) , I'm in bed with the same dude typing this!
im so happy for you and I wish I can find that too
I myself can not open up at work .Because I know I am being wiped out.I was bisexual for two or three decades. Until I 've found one female who excepted me.She later separated from me ,but we became real friends .Before she died she told she wanted to date with me again At the time I was living with guy I don't think it would work.I am out in the social network.
@johnensslen if someone (co-workers) don't know why, would I bother telling them?
Despite all the progress and acceptance of gays, there is still a lot of emotional maturing that needs to happen.
It's also a sin amen.
But yet, you’re here, watching gay videos on TH-cam. Don’t forget to clear your history
Within the community itself! The environment can be very toxic and demeaning. Sometimes I feel like chopped liver.
@@whome77what’s a sin?
And yet the community overall is still finding fault outside, never looking within
This video is so spot on. I don't and won't sleep around. I try to meet guys but if they are not able to offer me intimacy, stability or connection. I won't let them near me. If more people would have stronger values, things would change.
Thanks for tuning in Zak. I’m glad you found it helpful. Would love for you to join us in the Gay Men’s Brotherhood if you haven’t already. Would be great to get to know you better. The link to join the Facebook group is in the description to this video.
@@ccarta192 to
They need therapy
I agree, if you don’t value your body, your mind and soul why would you expect anyone else to. If you are looking for a”quickie”, you have a hand.
You said it. Values
My X partner and I were together for more than 12- years. I adored him but sometimes I had to look the other way if he became insensitive or distant. His mother one day pulled me aside and said:”I love my son and wouldn’t say a word against him, but you have to understand he doesn’t know how to be a friend.” She taught me in one sentence what I couldn’t recognize during all those years together. It’s also, I believe, the downfall of the gay community. Too many have no idea how to be a friend first and a lover second.
Wow…heavy
Not really, hiding, having no friends as teenager was rather normal to gays, but is disappearing. So they have no chance to "train" the social behaviour friendship pattern.
Another problem is falling in-love to the best (straight) friend. Unable to separate friendship from love. So whatever they do, it's kinda wrong.
I agree with the narrator in that new positive traits can be learned in time. Now that is one toxic relationship and one toxic in-law, to detox, take a break from, to develop self-love skills. We all have the potential to be “good enough”, specially good enough for ourselves. Rise above the pettiness.❤
I very much agree with your observation about friendship. I have had perhaps three what I consider authentic gay friendships in my whole life. (I am soon to be 62.) My husband is one of them, of course. Many years ago, as I was going through my Facebook friends list, I realized that almost all of the people who are authentic with me and whom I'm authentic with are straight women. I have ideas why that might be. I have heard straight men, particularly older straight men, also lament the lack of friendships in their lives, so I think a lot of this is a problem of being male to begin with, where there's a whole array of cultural injunctions against men showing emotions etc. And then I think the shame that nonhetero men grow up with as kids and then live with most of their lives is a double whammy. We have felt rejected and it seems like our go-to defense mechanism is to reject others. We do it in subtle and not so subtle ways. I think social media and the "digitalization" of contemporary life have only intensified these pathologies. These technologies have facilitated hookups while at the same time, ironically, making true connections rare to impossible. It's like one giant cruise bar, unfortunately. I'm glad I predate the Internet, and I really feel for younger men who have only ever known "dating apps."
.
Gay men never individuated from mom and tend to have an insecure attachment to their father. It's why they cut the line and resort to sex with another man... they do not have a foundation with another man to build a healthy sustainable friendship that doesn't involve exploiting someone's body in order to 'feel' love
Bravo! I am gay but have given up on the gay community. I was with my partner for 10 years but it just came to the point that we were too different and parted ( we are still good friends). After that relationship and people trying to use me, lie to me, and only wanting sex I finally said goodbye to the gay community. What was weird was that so many gay men would tell me I was “too nice.” Evidently because I didn’t treat others like disposable sex objects I was abnormal.
LITERALLYY! I feel you on the “too nice” part. It’s so weird how “normal” that is🙈😭
Please explain why all of them saw you as a disposable object? Why are other gays like that?
@@lilsbourneyou're clearly not gay and have no idea how male culture works, especially when it's gay male culture. What are you fishing for, some random anecdotes to confirm your preconceived judgements? Or perhaps you're just trolling. 😂
What do you do that's "too nice"?
So much self loathing, and little evolvement....too much nepotism ,narcissism, immaturity.
Many Gay men who are old enough, myself included, who lived through the 1980’s witnessed the devastation that AIDS wrought through the community and the ensuing ostracisation from a great deal of society
For those who were ‘out’ this was a very lonely period of time and for those like myself who became sexually aware as teenagers through the 80’s it was very damaging both to confidence and to personality.
Many Gay men found intimacy in clubs, bars, but also in known hook-up locations, whether these were lay-bys, toilets, parks etc. This was the only real outlet for meeting other gay men and satiated a sexual need, albeit briefly.
In those days and prior to the eighties, relationships were kept behind closed doors and very discreet. For many Gay men, trying to fit in to a ‘straight’ world was the most sensible route, one that wouldn’t potentially lose you your job, your family or even your life.
When things starting improving for the LGBT community in the last part of 1990’s, there was a liberation and finally Gay men could be themselves for the first time. Out & Proud and whilst there were still many of the issues that were around in the eighties, laws and gay rights were being transformed.
For a lot of gay men, these new times represented Freedom from the shackles in conforming to the heterosexual norm and allowed many to express themselves in ways which they had never been allowed to before.
Society has now moved on, we now have the ability to marry our loved ones and to happily bring up a family with children in a same sex marriage, unheard of in the 1980’s. Almost every right enjoyed my a heterosexual man is now enjoyed by a gay man. (At least in the UK).
However, the freedoms and liberation we enjoyed have stagnated and many Gay men who found an identity in the late 90’s which they didn’t have before and many young gay men who were born in or after the 1980’s who did not witness the pain of being ostracised, now share this identity.
But the problem is that this identity is shared, Gay men have found an identity but in doing so have lost their individualism….. Now we are in an era of a new internal ostracisation.
One where you have to conform to the new Gay stereotype, which invariably one of hedonism and homogenised exhibitionism. Shallow and conceited. Where the only thing that matters is what you look like or what you’re like in bed.
During the last decade and a half we see apps like Grindr & Scruff which consolidate this behaviour and only influence those to conform to what expected of them, again driving out what makes them an individual.
Until Gay men realise that everyone is an individual and uniformity is not healthy both in mental health and in terms of a relationship, then we can’t expect anything to change. We need to move on from ‘Gay Culture’ and celebrate uniqueness and personality and individuality, not abs, biceps and pecs.
Very true
Thank you for sharing this with us.
thank you so much for this. I love learning and understanding others, this is beautiful ❤️
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
So beautifully said!
Dating apps are really fuelling this. I remember years ago when I did use dating apps one guy asked me what my type was. I told him I like guys that are into the arts. Music, theatre literature. And sport. And guys that I can share my love of Rugby go to games etc. I like guys who can hold an intelligent conversation and who can make me laugh. He just didn't get it. He kept asking me what I was to attracted sexually and physically. Shortly after that I just stopped using dating sites altogether.
The app ruined the gay community, no one gos out anymore especially after 40, ! We lost our fun side , sex is not fun if that's all your looking for
I don't like to call them dating apps. Scruff grindr are not about dating its a facade
The exact same thing happened to me !
We fight for rights but we don't treat each other right
I want to look into my mans eyes and speak with him without words
Gay community must learn how to TOUCH...not just physically but on other levels too.
I hear pain and anger in your voice, but remember one thing you are genuine,beautiful and open which is a huge step forward in your life. Sending you love sweet man xo
Thank you for these beautiful and sharing your observations with me. Great to see this conscious expression from you
@@mattlandsiedel thank you Matt. Rest assure any genuine man would love to have a partner like you.
Yall trying to hard you know where to find a genuine connection??? With a woman!!!!
@@clbaker24 why are you here?
@@clbaker24 A vvoman only wants you for your money.
What I wouldn't give to meet an articulate, caring, intelligent and emotionally available man like yourself. At least you're proof these guys exist.
Thank you for the beautiful compliment 🙏❤️
That describes me I believe. But no one wants me for whatever reason.
Same
im sure a woman would @@originalprecursor
Tbh, most gay men I know see hook ups as an escape from the crushing isolation and loneliness many of them feel. I'm straight with many gay friends and, sad to say, most of them are miserable. Inspite of equality in many European countries, depression and suicide rates among gay people are at an all time high. Of course, this is never addressed by the gay community as there are too many vested interests promoting the "fabulous" gay lifestyle. One of these interests is the pink dollar/euro. I love my friends but see the emptiness of their lives.
Yeah I see the same thing and also experience it being a gay man. So much emotional unavailability and it makes it hard to connect on deeper levels
@@mattlandsiedel We should live our lives or view ourselves from a "Non-Heteronormative" view. Just love yourself and live your journey as who you are and dodge the bullet where necessary. Instead of being on the apps, go out and fly a kite, see a museum, start a charity, join something like Boston Marathon, do things that matter. When you fulfill the duties of your own journey in acts of kindness, suddenly you realize that you are connected to yourself and to the world, "Love thyself as thy neighbor"... :) Gay people can have dignity, plus the apps are not very adulting anyway and a lot of them are bumb drug addicts and that is a complete turn off for me, who needs that garbage. So, make a plan, set your goals for yourself, love yourself. "When you take your trash out to the dump, do you go back for it?" Move on, don't ruminate, and live your journey, don't listen to mainstram music, I am so sick of hearing these singers be cry babies, the same old "I have loved and I have lost" kind of music, let all that go. "Intropspection": Learn how to become truly self aware, in actuality about 10-15% of people are truly self aware: th-cam.com/video/tGdsOXZpyWE/w-d-xo.html
More than 40 years of fighting for our rights and absolutely no progress made INSIDE the community about the above mentioned points.
@@mattlandsiedel you are very sexy man , gays must come back to simple things and stop being ripped off by the hard core of the gay community who only want their money, not their happiness, so it's time for gays to help each other for the good, and stop their stupid jealousy among themselves
@@mattlandsiedel you have beautiful positive waves, stay as you are and do not let yourself be influenced by the cloned gays who are without interest, you are beautiful
Thank you for helping the community mature. Its like we fought for marriage equality and didn't have any to plan to incorporate it into our culture.
joelkennedy36 yes I totally agree but this statement can only be applied to the people who fought for it and don’t respect the value of marriage. I know many gay men who fought for it and are celebrating their love for their partner through marriage. One of the things I have been focusing on in my life is not generalizing a community of people and looking more for individual behaviours rather than collective. This is helping me find similarities rather than differences and makes my experience of the community more wholesome. Your comment made me reflect on this so thank you for that 🙏
well said!
Hey, one of the main reasons why our community is plagued with issues like a lack of emotional availability/vulnerability, sex addiction, and putting physicality on a pedestal, is due to what the gay community has been put through by society and heteronormative discriminations. Our subconscious works so much differently than our consciousness. Having grown up surrounded by non-stop messages of "being gay is a sin, loving the same gender is wrong, gays do not deserve equal rights" will consequently shape the way our subconscious operates and thus, the way we love is greatly impacted too. Our subconscious "feels" that it is not safe for us to love openly and deeply, thus putting up walls around our heart, mind and soul. Don't point your fingers to your fellow community because know that it is not of our own volition that these issues are present, however, we do have the power to reclaim our identity as a gay/LGBT person. And one way that one can do this, which is highly visible, and can be a huge testament to our subconscious that loving is safe, is in marriage equality. Other ways our community is doing this is to decriminalise gay relationships and so on. Our subconscious will always guard us from perceived danger, and it takes a lot of self-awareness to be conscious of the way our subconscious affects our behavioural patterns, and not many in our community are equipped with this skill, due to the message of being unworthy, dirty, and sinful, still being the core messages of their unheald inner child.
As an outsider, I don’t want to discount your experience but I *truly* believe this has more to do with the "man" part vs the gay part. As the same cannot be said for lesbian women. I feel straight men would be the same if they had more willing participants. I think men are socialized to not hold each other accountable on a emotional level but can easily fall into their sexual desires (testosterone)... and if the focus of their affection always will say yes? Becomes a cycle
I fully agree
This !!!! Many gay men don’t realize this ! I think it’s a man problem,as well because like you said, if straight men had more willing participants (which in many cases they do, like with famous people) they’d fall into the same cycle.
As a bi woman, I felt the video spoke to me because it feels like straight women feel the same. It's definitely different with girls. It's the "man" part, you are absolutely right.
I think part of issue relates to our emotional handicap growing up. I’m 47 and like most, grew up closeted, hiding in a straight world . Never dated in my younger years feeling isolated and just mentally and physically shackled for a very long time. Years of living in my own head without anyone to talk to has taken its toll and I still have bad days but luckily most are good. While I wouldn’t consider myself ugly or lacking in confidence, I’ve been single since I was 30 and only ever had one long term relationship which was more co dependent than actual love. After that relationship ended (6 years) I was lost. I didn’t have any gay friends, was never part of or into the gay scene , rarely had sex (by choice) and have just been sort of on auto pilot since then with underlying depression which rares it’s ugly head once in a while. I’ve been having more sex lately in my 40s to fill that void than I ever did when I was younger but tbh, I’ve always been searching for intimacy, connection and ultimately, someone to love and who loves me back (as corny and cliche as that sounds). On bad days, I long for the life I never had, a partner I could go out to functions with, someone who was part of my family and friends as much as I could have been part of theirs. I used to imagine and still do, my partner being loved by my parents like another son. I’ve prepared myself and am starting to accept that I may never find my person in life and that I’ll have to manage my loneliness as I age. For the most part, most days are good but I still hold out hope that one day, I’ll cross paths with that special person. Thanks for reading if you made it all the way to the end!
I'm 24 and never had a boyfriend. About 2 years ago I felt like I needed to go out and meet people. I started seeing someone I liked, we would talk and I started to show interest and vulnerability. He showed interest himself and said he wanted to date me, then he ghosted me after 3 months without an explanation. I went into a 6-month depression after. To this day I'm afraid to get my heart broken and fall into a depression again. I find it safe to just hookup and have no deep connections even though that what I really want.
I’m sorry you had to experience this. Silver lining is I’m sure you learned a lot about yourself in the process
I am so very sorry that happened to you. It not only happens in the gay community, but in the straight community also and very often. Ugh I feel your heart. Here's a hug!
Sex and relationships are all a waste of time. Focus only on yourself. Self-love is the best love.
You may think you're being safe, but you're never safe when you still have paralyzing and denigrating fear. Try dating with the agreement to not get undressed physical until at least the third date. You've had the chance to know WHO you want to make love with. Repression, however, cannot last and, as they say, Denial is more than a river in Egypt. It can flood the psyche in disaster.
Do you date Black men?
I feel the exact same way. I’ve never been comfortable with hookups. It seems like no one wants anything meaningful. It’s really hard to get actual dates with gay men who actually want to invest in something meaningful
JPS I’m glad you found value in the video. It’s unfortunate that a majority of gay me act this way but it’s not everyone. Ever since I posted this video I have had a ton of gay men reaching out saying the same thing. Just honour what you want and don’t settle for less.
I think many of us are in that same boat. It is hard!
But another problem is that when gay men do meet those men, other guys who actually want to develop something more meaningful, they are thrown aside because they don’t look, dress , talk right, or have money.
I see a lot of profiles that say exactly what you wrote , but in practice , gay men are always looking at the faults of other gay men, even if they also want the same thing , and they just shun them out.
Love this topic! I've never had a problem finding sexual opportunities in the gay community, but finding a good connection emotionally is like the holy grail. I've found that a lot of men won't let you love them. They might be attracted to you sexually, but they're closed off to a deeper connection. Even a lot of the friendships in the gay community exist on a more superficial level centered around fun activities. Would love to find others on that journey of growth that you describe.
Relationships in general are very fractured these days, people don't know how to have healthy, loving connections with each other.
@@Harry-fk5of That's so true!
What a powerful video! I got rid of all the apps a while ago and have been solely focusing on myself. It was the best decision ever. I’ve accomplished so many personal goals. I used to be so disillusioned, but realized there are a lot of great, like-minded guys out there.
This is so true. I find it VERY hard to connect with people because here, if you're interested to know someone and ask questions in a deeper level out of sudden you're met with sarcastic jokes because the majority of gay men here sees this as "being interviewd". And yes, I did the same thing as you: I started to feel like I was the problem that i'm being too "deep" or "too picky" but I cannot have sex if I don't feel connect with the other person at some deeper level, that's just who I'm. Yes, I have my own shadow work to do because I grew up with narcisistic parents but in this topic I feel in peace now. Great video, thank yoooou
I'm going through the same thing now. Trying my best to be a generous person but I feel I just get pushed back... into becoming just a sex object. I yearn for connection, kindness and love. Friends give me that... but all the men I've met online... I just feel like all they want is the physical stuff. It just zombifies me. And I get so confused at times: do I play along and get fucked, or do I stand my ground and get rejected and be alone? It's madness. And so much to do with toxic masculinity. Thanks for talking about it. It's so important.
lambent ort I am always in favour of standing your ground and being an advocate for what you believe it. When we are congruent and authentic to what we need then we attract it. Keep you head high and keep pursuing what it is you need because it’s out there. There just happens to be a few weeds amongst the flowers you are trying to pick lol
@@mattlandsiedel yep... I'm realising this more and more, especially in light of a very recent personal experience that left me shattered. What you said in this video just hits me in the gut and it's giving me courage to stick to my guns, and continue to be sensitive, emotional and vulnerable, without drugs and alcohol. I've been there - all that toxicity just destroyed me - then I sobered, and relapsed - but no more. I don't want to be destroyed. None of us should be. We all deserve love. Hugs to you Matt! I wish you all the love that you deserve. Keep on being you! It's inspiring ❤️
lambent ort I am so proud of you for that. Less than 10 years ago I was a full blown crack addict and look where I am now. You deserve this man.
At least you are wanted
It's so sad most gay men just care about the sexual part, I am a sensitive and vulnerable person and I prefer dating than hookup but every guy I met only wanted sex, they don't want something meaningful
I am the same as you. I need more than just sex to feel satisfied
I am 56 and single.There was a time I needed someone to feel whole. These past years I found true love with myself and no need to have someone. While I hope to meet someone one day, I am ok if I don't. I may be alone but not lonely.Your true essence is that of connection with a higher source, as we are made in his image. I identifed with your journey and you are a better person for it.
Yes, I totally understand that. When I turned 50 it was a real crisis, because I realised I would never have that feeling in my life. Period. It was hard to get over it, but here I am. And I don't blame society, it's definitely not easy, but if I couldn't find someone to share a live with in 30 years, it's probably that I am different then the majority - and simply did not find the "soulmate" who ALSO attracts me.
Thank you for sharing this. I am approaching 50, after a 20y relationship. I am still shocked it didnt work out. We are still in touch every day like friends, but knowing we are not together anymore makes me very sad. I am quite lost and getting used to being alone. It is hard but I am getting over being lonely. I am hoping to meet someone and I want to get to that level of not caring if I dont.
Cute!
I’ve never hooked up in my life. I find it really difficult to connect with people online. I tired my best to start a conversation, but sadly most people don’t know how. I am able to make better connections with straight people from my experience.
Just lost my husband and we were together for 15 years...For me I felt never part of the gay community
Yeah well now you have to be a part because you have no husband.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
@@Rage_Harder_Then_Relax NO! never ever will be a part of that
@@Cateater123 Why not?
@@Rage_Harder_Then_Relax what the hell kind of response was this?!
I am happy to learn that I'm not the only one thinking about this. I was never into casual sex, being sexual, having tons of sexual partners, grindr and anything like this. I always have sex only in relationships and always thrive for LTR and healthy relationships. In my country EVERYTHING is about sex, everyone had sex with everyone and everyone is cheating with everyone. I genuinely feel like I'm the black sheep. Good to see that I'm not the only one and to be honest, I think my way of thinking is the healthiest and most fulfilling.
In your country, everything is about sex? What country is that?
Omgggg thank you ! I was hooked as soon as you said the word sensual/ sensuality !
Thank you for this video. I swear, there are moments and days when I feel like I am the only person looking to connect more meaningfully.
I am a bisexual guy that had a difficult time realizing my romantic feelings for men. I have found guys sexually attractive since I was in middle school, but was unsure of my romantic feelings. I've always connected with women much easier than men.
I do not find anything enjoyable about hook up culture and all the of the men that have shown interest in me wanted to just have sex with me, one of them being an old friend and sometimes them trying to "convert" to realizing I'm actually gay. These experiences negatively reinforced that I should just be with a woman and telling myself I am straight. That my feelings for men aren't valid.
I wasn't until I built a connection with a guy 2 years ago and after building a connection with him for more than a year. I felt very strong feelings for him. I could see a future with him. He ended showing his true colors however and did not have the maturity to be upfront with me and ghosted me. I felt guilt, confusion, and pain for several months then told him I am done and how I felt.
Recently he tried to come back into my life and I told him I appreciated the experience I had with him and that he helped validate my feelings and that I can see a relationship with another guy. I told him I have no intention of talking beyond this and that 2 years ago you had a choice, and you have to live with your choice of me never being your boyfriend.
After that experience, I can see myself with a guy or a girl, as long as we connect emotionally, intellectually, compromise, vulnerability, openness, and compromise.
As a gay man, I feel sorry for what you experienced, but I am happy for you on the experiences you have learned and introspect on. I wish you the best!
lucky for you - us gay men don't get the decision to just pick a girl. we have to deal with guys for better or for worse, so I personally feel no empathy for you. good luck.
@@larrymoulthery6828same. Bisexual guys have it so easy and they don't even know it. 😂
Once i learnt that a guy likes girls too , then i would perceive he doesn't have to seek relationship with men. Just Fuck and done with him to avoid all the emotional baggage
After 6 years in the rainbow scene, and transgender as well, I've tried to remain open minded, non-judgemental and have tried a few different things in terms of relationship type etc - but I''ve made a full 360 back to the same position I started.
Open relationships aren't better, polyamoury doesn't make you more enlightened, having a party isn't actually fun.
Now days, if you're not keen to meet me for a coffee and brunch, or to do a non-sexual activity in my life, no booze etc then we're not friends.
Preach it! I'm 47 years old, and Connection is exactly what I'm looking for, AND i feel so out of place within the gay community. Going to bars is totally not my thing, because I'm very introverted. I'm not looking for a one night stand - I've been there; done that and ended up feeling used and abandoned! I'm not looking for "Mr right now," but my one and only forever Mr Right.
I understand you alot
Preach, more than 2000 years old ancient book described perfectly well how contemporary times would be "and they declare their sin as Sodom, they hide it not. Woe unto their soul! for they have rewarded evil unto themselves." (Isaiah 3:9) "Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fullness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy." (Ezekiel 16:49) "For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet." (Romans 1:26-27) "But what saith it?
The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach; That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved." (Romans 10:8-9)
@@MiguelQuienComoEl Thank you for your reply! I love you! I'm also a born again Christian and so are MANY other people in the LGBTQ community that grew up in the church and have been battling with sexual identity within faith circles their entire life. i know of MANY gay men both that are out and closeted that are pastors. I actually identify as pansexual cuz I sometimes desire women and I myself have also served in ministry and still do from time to time. I only tell people who spiritually detect and can relate to my situation about the issues I'm dealing with. I first started realizing there was sugar in my water back in 1982 (currently 42 years ago) which is the year the AIDS crisis gained national attention; prior to that news I never before knew gay relationships were a thing. At the time I was 5 years old, and from that year forward which was also in the wake of me being molested by my brother after I had fallen in love with my first girlfriend the thought of being gay grew and festered in my mind as I grew in the faith and simultaneously matured in the faith as a Christian -- I was 14 when I officially gave my life to Christ and got baptized. At 47 years of old, I've met gay men from all kinds including those that been married to women and have kids. There is no definite solution for overcoming homosexuality, we can't simply "pray the gay away." What I did learn is that homosexuality is a natural occurrence within all sentient beings both humans and animals -- we see it often within dogs! The scriptures you've quoted are actually about men and women that ride the line and bed hop promiscuously with zero self control. What I have also learned is that God loves a repentant heart and grants honor and favor to those of us that fully focus on him as we try to live holy and contrite fully dedicated to our relationship with Jesus Christ. God sets some of us free from homosexuality, but more often he uses us as we are. Miguel, instead of throwing out scriptures that only condemn and spiritually 🤕 those of us that are queer oriented, PLEASE give gay people something we can relate to without putting us on the defense. Telling us how bad and hellbound you think we are is a turn off that has caused many gay people to walk away from the faith, live more promiscuously with reckless abandon and in some cases, us being told to "turn or burn" from something we can't easily stop within us leads to self termination. What I have found works is encouraging LGBTQ people to come to Christ as they are, grow in their faith most importantly, practicing abstaining from sexual intercourse and masturbation even in their thoughts; focusing on being monogamous and keeping yourself under lock and key helps you grow spiritually as there is no condemnation for ALL who are in Christ Jesus.
@@bryanoaitse1547 You are AWESOME and VERY cute, I must add!!
Here is what I have learnt: Don't look, don't seek, let what happens happen and use your experience with yourself, what you are ready for and where you say "no". Seeking means walking through life with a feeling of emptiness. Of course, I also notice what happens around me and who crosses my path. But in my late 50s, I'm just relatively relaxed because I believe that I should leave all the stress behind me, because I'm ready for my life and what's important to me. And if that includes a partner of not is not important. It´s the air I breathe, the music I listen to, my friends, the hope for peace in this stupid world and my dark sense of humor which all adds up to what defines me. I cannot be defined by somebody else.
I just ended a 16 year relationship with my partner because of being frustrated for the lack of connections you have described. Our community, if it is even accurate to describe us such, has become grotesque and vulgar. You are correct when you say it is all physical with no heart or mind connection.
I agree but it isn't a gay thing only. Heteros have similar problems. I think this vulgarity and materialism or looks fetish originates from the dating apps and social media. Not only ppl get desentizied to their looksmatch and develop unrealistic standards regarding looks. The more and more extended screen time leads to underdevelopment of real social skills. For real romance if you just write a few sentences and due that someone comes over and fucks with you in 5 minutes. The whole process of romantic communication which takes two to three hours is cut out so feelings of connections can't devekop
16 years???? Man, that is so depressing.😞
The underlying problem with it all is self hatred and lack of self esteem. If you can't find a way to be comfortable with yourself, how can you maintain a decent relationship? Sex for some gay men is an expression of sadness, anger, control, revenge or self punishment. Relationships for many become an exercise in finding someone who enables the dysfunction. I remember many years ago, a friend told me something that encapsulated so many of the problems so many gay men have. He was a handsome man and yet always dated men who were unpleasant and unattractive. I asked him why this was and he said he had such low self esteem that he couldn't date anyone better. He said that if he did, it would remind him of how bad he felt about himself.
I feel the same way! I met somebody that poured so much love into me that I cannot enjoy sex unless I feel that same kind of love.
beautiful
You're so wise. The gay community is definitely broken. So sad.
After over 50 years "in the life" I finally got out. I got so tired of the same stuff over and over. I am so happy now living a life of inner peace and celibacy. I am also no longer a slave top on line pornography. Thank you Lord!
Glad to see a lot of us are on the same boat! I felt so lonely. It is an extreme challenge to find real connections and it definitely is an issue with a lot of us feeling broken and rejected in our subconscious.
You hit the nail on the head with this Matt. Great video ❤
Glad you enjoyed it!
Thanks for this message. It’s very significant to hear about the authenticity required for meaningful connection in my own spiritual journey as a 50 year old gay man
Addiction is a direct symptom from dealing with these exact ideas. Its devastating to accept that I've never been in an intimate relationship. Sex yes... intimate no. Realization and changing the way one lives can be quite lonely.
jtchmpgne yes it’s often a huge realization for a man when he gets to that point in his life when he recognizes he has actually never been truly intimate or vulnerable before. This is a scary time but a beautiful one because that awareness alone can change your life
@@mattlandsiedel vulnerable...my friend just recommended me to watch the Brene Brown special on Netflix about courage & vulnerability 🤔😊
jtchmpgne I highly recommend that video. So good
@@mattlandsiedel really like the idea that vulnerability is the birthplace of love, compassion.
jtchmpgne yes they are directly related and can have one without the other 👍🏻
I really connected with this, Matt. I'm 33 and monogamous and just coming out of a dating experience where the guy and I both really liked each other and wanted to commit to a relationship, but he wanted to be polyamorous. I appreciate queer spaces for the natural multiplicity of people in them, but feel so frustrated that in the LGBTQ+ community it feels like such a minefield to find real connection and intimacy with someone compatible. It scares me, honestly.
I am a 63 year old gay man and I feel like I am falling into sex addition to make up for sex I didn’t have as a young closeted man before it’s too late, which it may already be. But I want a connection also and I am finding that even these younger men that are willing to have sex with an older men have no interest in any real connection. This makes me feel isolated and alone and the sex is not fulfilling in the way it should be. I am yearning for a connection before it’s too late but I fear I will never have one and will die alone with no real connection to another human being. I am following your channel now in the hopes that I can get a better understanding of my behavior and be happy within myself. And develop connections with other gay men that seek connection to another human being also.
Did you expect young men to have a “real connection” with a 60+ year old guy?😂 come on bruh
@@Happypotato917 , no I guess I don’t but that’s what I desire. I told you I am trying to make up for all the sex I missed out on as a young man from being in the closet. Wait buddy, if you live long enough you will be me and know what real loneliness is. Nobody deserves to spend their whole life alone. If you’re young and buff enjoy it while you can because no one escapes getting old.
@@sachemrock maybe look for men your age because its unfair to expect a young man to have a real relationship with a man who’s near/ is on their death bed. Mwah no bars.
@@Happypotato917 , also I am glad you think my situation is funny. Like I said enjoy it while you can because no one escapes it. Karma is a bitch too!
@@sachemrock and like I said it’s unfair and weird to expect a relationship with a young man as a person of your age. Look for men your own age.
I just wanted to say I couldn't have bumped into a better video that explains the whole situation. Many of us really feel that way but this just can't be shared with friends or people around. I live in Madrid and despite it being a big city I couldn't feel lonelier in this community. Thanks for saying out loud what many feel deep inside and thank you for the accuracy of your words. This video really made me feel some sort of relief.
That' exactly what I felt reading all these comments: relief that I'm not alone, even living in a big city like you mentioned.
This spot on with my life. I only use apps when I’m lonely and when I’m not “lonely,” I am living my life.
I thought I was alone I always assumed that I was different and weird almost like am I supposed to be sexual so guys would want me. But no I just want to have a connection and understand you! This made me super insecure almost like I’m not good enough!
You are definitely not alone there are so many of us who want the same thing. Please join the gay men’s brotherhood so you can connect with other guys like this. The link is in the description of this video.
I work with a bunch of gay guys of various ages and I’m shocked at how sad and lonely they seem. They say they want to find love but they seem to be locked in this cycle of self-hatred, and they look for quick fix validation (usually with toxic men). I know they don’t represent ALL gay men, but I’ve definitely noticed similarities in their stories. I feel for them 😞
This is how I've always approached sex: physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional connection. Most men aren't ready for it when they meet me. Therefore, they either fall madly in love with me or they turn and run the other way out of fear that I'm looking for commitment (which I'm not--most of the time--I'm just being my authentic, loving self). That's probably why it's always been so easy for me to end up in relationships.
Anyway, my favorite part of sex is afterwards, because that's when men finally open up emotionally and then I can actually connect with them. Otherwise, it's really difficult to find men who can open up *without* having sex _first_ like I can.
I am very transparent. Vulnerability is my gift. The rare times when I meet other men like that, it really turns me on! Authenticity is sexy!
I am seriously considering writing off any kind of hook ups at this point until someone wants to commit. It feels fun in the moment but then I’m ALWAYS left with shame and regret.
That’s what I have done and while it can lead to longer periods without physical connection, it’s really helped me get clear about what I want and need from a relationship
@@mattlandsiedel yeah I already feel better about myself and this decision. However, I would not limit this to just the gay community. I see a lot of issues within the straight community as well. Hook up culture is destroying connections for virtually everyone it seems.
It amazes me how much you have described myself, I have been dealing with alcohol for about 5 years, starting with the pandemic, I always feel scared and insecure, even without any threat, and alcohol provided this feeling of "peace", same with casual sex, sometimes I needed it so badly just to aliviate my dense sensation of anxiety and fear... I have been working for over a year now in spiritual practices and group therapy and have helped me a lot, but it a daily battle for sure, is not always a good day
Thank you for sharing. It's not easy, but you're making progress. Keep fighting and know you're not alone. Sending you strength and support.
i just discovered your channel and as a 19 year old i am so glad that people like you exist. the feeling of not being enough for me is really hard. i feel insecure, short, small, not femenine enough, not masculine enough, unwanted, useless, i never gave a kiss in my life. and other gay men are so closed minded and compulsive that i just don't see myself being with another man. thanks for hearing.
I’m sorry you’re having such difficulty within our community. It’s definitely a challenging place to navigate. Please come join us in the Gay Men’s Brotherhood if you have not yet. We are a on Facebook and use the community to come together and heal
@@mattlandsiedel I'm 32 and I've realized i might be gay since 14/15 in 2005/2006 and i can't tell anyone because I'm Autistic as well
@@peterwilliamskelhorn6675 You’re loved. First of all, accept yourself, love yourself from within, heal and see your happiness blossom!
Focus on you for now…Hugs 🤗❤️
@@peterwilliamskelhorn6675 let your beautiful light shine ✨ the world need more people like you who are different and beautiful in that difference.
@@mattlandsiedel I have Autism and cerebral palsy as well
Thank you for sharing this video Matt. I'm about to turn 34 this month and have never been in a relationship. I can't say I feel bad because over the years and my experience in therapy, I've learned that I have to love who am and accept myself. The more I can do that, the more I can better love others. And its still a struggle to connect with others but I'm mindful I shouldnt lose myself for another person.
I'm a 35 year old gay man. For the first time in my life I have come to challenge myself in truly bringing out my authenticity and vulnerabilities so I can really foster deeply connected and meaningful relationships. I think the gay community drives us to find connections based on our exterior too much and it's highly detrimental to our mental health. This is the reason why gay men are so body image focused and generally image and sex obsessed in relationships because we are not taught to find value in who we actually are at our core etc homophobia, shame, guilt. Makes sense why the gay community is so riddled with superficial walls and judgement and the use of drugs to get past the feeling of being judged so harshly for such superficial elements. Damaged gay men will project their damage onto others in relationships and it just becomes a really bad negative cycle. I always found it so mind boggling how easy it was for gay men to bed hop and sleep with their friends ex's, cheat excessively and be ok with it and normalize it in our community. It's NOT healthy and never should be paraded as it's "just the way it is"
Such a powerful comment, the gay community is so driven by body image and unrealistic expectations. If your too fat, short , fem, or many other things you are rejected even on the physical / sexual aspect, let alone on an emotional level. We need to heal as a community for we can find healthy and meaningful friendships and relationships.
4 years later, and just today, 02/02/2024, this video appears in my feed. However, nothing has changed; everything remains the same in the gay community. I relate to the content of this video.
Thank you Matt. I am from Kerala, India. Gay Muslim. I feel annoyed and sad thinking about the constant loneliness I love with all the time. Your words are so encouraging to me. Hugs
PS: Wish if I'd a man like you in my life.😐😊
I'm a gay Muslim too assalamualaikum 🏳️🌈☪️☪️
Ok but u should not commit sin May Allah Bless u I hope if u can become normal but don't mind
@@Gamingzone00829 "normal" ? We're all normal alright.
@@fauzia_is_a_man I know gay lesbian can't be straight but I'll pray for them
@@Gamingzone00829 thanks but we don't need your prayers, love from India. We just need Allah and an accepting society.
Boy you hit the nail on the head on so many areas. I've been alone and by myself for such a long time. I've considered and attempted suicide twice. Of course, it doesn't help when I have three siblings who always interfere in my life. They have even told me that they didn't want me around and to go kill myself. Last week I turned 66 and I'm still here.
It's sad to hear this. I wish you the best❤
You can find happiness through christ Jesus. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all other things will be added unto you
Anon hook ups were so hot to me throughout my 20s and as the lust in my heart grew, I completely lost myself. Sex simply became something I did as a part of a routine, the person didn't matter, the connection wasn't there and "post-nut clarity" was a bitch and led to depression. When I turned 30, everything started to change. I understood the flow and transference of energy - I also fell in love and sex became both wild and passionate, blossomed into a strong loving-intimate connection and last weekend, we got engaged! Everything started to improve for me as I distanced myself from hookup apps and the "gay community". Just wasn't and isn't for me anymore. I trust my intuition, I listen to my feelings and I respond accordingly because that is simply what is right for me. Everyone will find their love and peace.
This needs to be shared all over the place!!! we need to bring this to attention in the gay community.
Thank you for saying this. Please share with your community so we can make a difference. Also please join us in the Gay Men’s Brotherhood on Facebook where these cultural changes are taking place as we speak. The link is in the description box to this video.
I wish I thought like this when i first came out.. I total agree with you, I hope alot of young gays watch this and the same goes for str8 guys too. Porn addiction is a big problem that really screws up your brain. Your focus should be on love.
Thank you for tuning in. Yes I am really glad I have found another way to exist as a gay man. I am much more fulfilled now that I have developed the capacity for other forms of intimacy
Well, you change as you mature. We all make mistakes when we're young, and that includes young Gay men. As long as you keep maturing, you can look back without regret.
I've spent 2 years pulling away from using porn and ill tell you it's really hard sometimes but it's been very rewarding
Thank you the video, I agree a lot with what you said. It has always been isolating being a monogamous gay man and trying to find more intimacy and meaningful connections through others. It’s awesome that gay men are becoming more comfortable in openly expressing this way of thinking and not being shunned or shaded so much by other people’s promiscuous life choices
I started going to therapy, started to address my issues and then casual sex became boring. And when I learned to love myself and feel content in myself drugs became boring
Well, you are not alone in your feelings about gay community. I feel the same and it's terribly depressing for me that you almost never can get a real contact with the that are using these apps. Most are only opened for sex and when you try to touch some other sphere they just get silenced.
Radio Active sorry I missed this message. Yes I wholeheartedly agree and this is the purpose behind my work. Many gay men are waking up to this and yearning for more but it’s a matter of us looking for connection in non gay traditional ways and sticking to it. Most time’s we just give in because we need connection. We have to stick to our guns and know we deserve real connection
I’m struggling really bad with finding connections in general; the way our community is makes it even harder.
There is a huge need for gay/queer relationship psychology. We have such a wonderful community when we can be both in touch with each other and in touch with ourselves.
Actually in our community people don't know love and sex is different. True love is that who are always with you in bad times. I never be in relationship, rejected many times but I always admire character of maleficent being a beast with pure big and kind heart. I believe in talent ,creativity and knowledge.
You are so right, due to the ostracized attitude toward same sex and trans sexualities, the need for a safe space to celebrate sexuality was also a way to fight back against those who tried to prohibit this need for intimacy. So p*rnography was the only source of “intimacy” we could look for in the world, and this became our truth. Same sex/ trans Intimacy was scarcely portrayed in the media, and when it was, it was always followed with violence and/or a bad ending. While, in p0rn the imagery depicts a scenario where everyone is satisfied and enjoying themselves. We were taught that love is “impossible” for us, so most people couldn’t find a reason to believe in love. Adult companies took advantage of this hyper-sexualized narrative and created dating sites and apps where, it was encouraged to be sexually interactive. Love isn’t a priority, nor is connection of any sort besides sexual, on those apps or sites, and was and is due to the harsh reality that, p*rn had become the only fantasy that could be actualized in real life without the risk of heartbreak or pain. People became shallow and body shamers, because they were desensitized to intimacy. It then became a contest to see who could attract the most attractive and well endowed male for a night of bittersweet bliss. Gay and some trans people would wear that one night stand as a badge of honor and use it as bragging rights in any conversation to show worth and status, because in the community that is what was valued. Who had the biggest this or sexier partner, was the only thing that was discussed. But the need for connection only grew. It still is this way. It is so sad. There is so many of us who yearn for true connection and intimacy but are snuffed out by disillusioned people in our LGBTQ+ community who have no wish to pursue or see anyone as anything more than a sexual object.
Beautiful vid. It is so nice to hear from someone who understands this.
Crazy how the title of this video hits all the key topics that have been on my mind for years now. Really interested in watching the video
Glad the title resonated! Hope the video provides some insight and connection for you. Enjoy watching!
Couldn’t agree more. Its been hard to find any deep meaningful connection with people in the community.
In a world of immediate gratification, putting effort into anything more than something instant has become a turn off.
Yup! This is really unfortunate but I see it changing as more and more gay men wake up spiritually and realize there is value in putting the time and energy into fostering deep and meaningful connections
Promiscuity in homosexual culture is something that has puzzled me for a long time and I want to thank you so much for this clear, rational explanation of behaviors I've wanted to understand the root and drivers behind. 🙏🏾
shame leads to feeling like crap about oneself/ then we seek self-validation through sex to boost our self-esteem/ then we find out that there are drugs that can make us feel like Super Man (then we end up in rehab or a cemetery or hanging out constantly on some stupid app because we think hook-ups are the solution to our lack of connection.)
Thanks for the video. I am an older guy who is currently in a 20 year relationship with my partner. When we met we did not even speak the same language, so the first year was difficult but we persevered because we had a connection. The s*x was always better because, as you described in your video, we were connecting on different planes and not just physically. I love our relationship, the friendship, the intimacy and the memories we have built together over the years. We have also disconnected from the gay scene, we don’t do bars, saunas, gay dinner parties etc.we have gay friends & straight friends because it is more interesting and honestly we are so much happier being away from the gay scene. I would definitely recommend it. I would add that in my twenties I was married to a woman for 10 years, that relationship did show me how a relationship works on all levels and I was looking for the same thing when I came out in my thirties. I could not also believe how nasty gay people could be to each other, that was a real eye opener. But, I knew what kind of relationship I wanted and never gave up. My first gay relationship lasted 10 years and the current one 20 years. I am sure there is a lesson there somewhere 😂
Thanks for sharing your beautiful journey. Your story is inspiring and offers hope to many. Keep cherishing your connection!
I realised quite a while ago that I really wanted affection, not sex.
I also realised that I would need to travel to Turkey in order to get my needs met.
Turkey is a place where men are affectionate with each other as part of their culture.
Australian culture does not permit affection between men 😞
The One thing that really opened my eyes today was when I opened twitter and seeing an 18 year old showing himself/ exploiting himself for gay twitter to see and of course they love it. I’m only 22 but it reminded me of myself when I first turned 18 and did the same thing for validation. It shows that we are programmed this way from the beginning, that we feel the need to sexualize everything,including ourselves.that as soon as we turn 18 the only thing we have to offer is our young attractive bodies. That shit really opened my eyes. It’s crazy.
This is SO me. I'm over the superficial. I want real. I want vulnerable and honest and loving.
I’m 28 and am struggling with the same issues. Seems like I’ve never fit into the gay community as I’ve always been looking for a solid emotional connection first when people only want intimacy out of me. It’s really a struggle, I’m not about using apps and want something to happen organically. Best advice I can give is to focus on self and personal development and find your way to be happy in your own bubble. It’s rare to meet people that aren’t expecting something from you. But this comment section gives me hope there are guys out there who still have class and self respect!
I hear you, it's tough. Focus on self-love. Hang in there! 💖
I recognize that in myself, I have been defaulting to physical expressions for intimacy with other gay men. When I came out years ago, my heart was more open to intellectual and emotional intimacy and learned that there was not a really good outlet for that in the dating pool and I would get rejected for just wanting to connect outside of the physical. There is so much fear out there and unfortunately its something i now have to work on myself after the years of dealing with sex only no love consciousness.
I am a 36 years old gay man and I was married from 2015 to 2023. It was always difficult for me to have fun with other people, because I felt bad after that and I thought I had a problem, because all my friends did not have the same feeling. After some time, I just notice I also need intimacy and connections before sex.
Thanks Matt. Like many other gay men who have watched this , I really connected with what you had to say. I can very much relate to needing mental stimulation and connection in order to enhance attraction and make sex enjoyable. I think sometimes loneliness or isolation leads us back to old habits eg casual sex, drugs, hook ups etc.I am not saying any of that is wrong but for me it's a vicious cycle which leads usually leads many of us to feeling more shame, regret and self loathiing. We need more people like you to speak out, offer connection and let others know they are not alone. Many of us crave that connection but get sucked into the physical again anad again.
I'm glad this resonated with you. Loneliness can trigger old habits. We're not alone. Keep reaching out. ❤️
It's very close to me; I always choose guys who are older than me, and they become the benchmarks I measure myself against. However, here and now, I feel more that running to drugs or sex is still about shame. And about avoiding my emotions. Sometimes I don't want to feel emotions and express anger, but it always leads to some kind of dependence on antidepressants or sex. You are absolutely right; I hope this understanding reaches the Russian LGBTQ+ community as well
Hey, thanks for sharing your journey. It's brave to confront those patterns. Emotions can be overwhelming, but acknowledging them is powerful. Your insight can inspire others to heal. Here's to fostering understanding and empathy in all communities 🌈💪
Why did it take me so long to find people with the same thoughts and insights? But finally I've found them!
What a relief...Thanks a lot for this video and all the reactions!
I avoid the apps and just enjoy my life as is. I’m open to relationship, but it’s got to be a deeper connection. I don’t believe mixing sexual energy with strangers is healthy, but that’s just me. Happy to see your video here
I'm currently realizing I'm a sex addict who wants to love himself
Hey Matt,
I just wanted to say thank you.
I grew up in Austria in a very conservative village of about 600 people and was kicked out of my parents' house at the age of 15 after I came out. My dad is also a severe alcoholic and my mom has mental health issues herself.
Immediately after I was kicked out, I moved in with my boyfriend (who I had only known for a month at that point) and surprisingly this relationship lasted for almost 4 years, but the last year was an open relationship and the last 2 years in general felt way less connecting, fulfilling and everything just becomes blur when I think about that time for too long.
So at 19 I was alone in a completely foreign city (my boyfriend lived about 100km away from where I used to live), my only circle of friends was my ex-boyfriend's circle of friends. Admittedly, I then lived in a bigger town with at least 2 gay bars, so it was easier to find new contacts. On the other hand, these new contacts weren't exactly the kind of people who wanted to pursue the same goal with the same path or simply (as you said in the video anyway) had connections and worth-issues themselves.
I also realised that I very often sought attention from much older men. Immediately after my long relationship, I tried to connect with people at my own age, but somehow I just couldn't manage it, sometimes i thought i was „too mature“ for most of them anyways, on the other hand it’s also fair to say that many people at that age are more in a „finding“ themselves-thing and less then committing to a full monogamous relationship. I also had the feeling that these older people already knew a bit more about what they actually wanted. But pretty similar to your experience, it’s always the same people on the same Apps, I even went to Speed-Dating nights, Events or whatever (used to be very introverted) but it also felt like being at the wrong place with the „wrong“ people.
I'm 21 now, I'm addicted to weed, I've been going to therapy for about 2 years (on and off) because I've also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In my manic phases I also developed some kind of sex-addiction and idk man everything’s just fked off.
So long story short - I know you heard that kind of words before many many times but thank you so much. I do have some gay friends who share similar stuff with me but your video, your words, your story were so point and just hit differently.
So Thank you so much for giving advice to a small town boy and feeling a bit less lonely rn.
Hey there, thank you for sharing your story. You're not alone. Keep going, you're stronger than you know. Much love.
This video just increases my anxiety. Im 48 and after my recent experience I just give up. Im tired of being pursued when it suits them and the minute I show interest back - the games start and they tell me crap like “you’ve always been an option.”
Thank you for being so brave to put this video out. I am 46 years old and still feeling lost, without a sense of belonging. I do not understand why most of the people in the gay community use sex in the same way as defecating, as there is a need no matter when, how, or with who is happening. I am Christian, too, and I had to come to terms with managing my beliefs and being at peace with being homosexual; that itself was a journey.
I am happy to see this type of video, as when I talk to other gay people, I always get comments that I am too complicated; it is difficult for me to understand that people would agree easier to go and have sex than meet for a coffee. I also believe there is so much work to do in the gay community as the lack of self-esteem is rocketing high in the gay community. I can see that, and people do not want to address the issues, and they try to make things as normal for these days.
Thank you for your video. It is refreshing, and it has been four years since you posted; I hope you can be flying in a better place.
Thank you.
Thank you Matt. For the past 3 years that I've been single I've been longing for a human connection and not sex. People on apps hit me up and I tell them what I'm looking for and they say cool me too and then they send me a picture of their penis or butt and once again I become disheartened. I'm going to keep on seeking the' soul 'and not the 'hole'. Your video has given me confidence and helped make me feel that I'm not alone in this struggle.
You're not alone. Seeking meaningful connection is valid. Keep staying true to yourself. Appreciate your support and courage.
I'm an original GAA member, and I have to say that you reflect much of the same viewpoints we were dealing with in our meetings beyond the main theme of Coming Out. Our bedrock principle is that we can become our authentic and best selves if we stop the shame and secrecy and self-loathing. In the 70s, it took time, but the message got through. No minority ever persuaded everyone to LIKE them, but by steady persistence we were able to change the laws and perceptions of who we were/are as equal citizens under the Constitution. You, Matt, found the right position to hold in your sphere. The often overlooked fact about dots is that they can and do connect.
I’m so glad I came across your channel man. So accurate. Nothing scarier than looking for “connection” when lonely. Seeking validation or temporary connections in all the wrong places.
being gay is hard and sadly we don't make easy on ourselves most of our struggling comes within the gay community the community which we once thought of as that supportive place
As gay men we really crave intimacy we crave love and caring I'm a sexual person but i cant just hock up with a guy randomly and forget about him in the next day that's not me
it's has cheered me up seeing someone who's gifted and handsome talking openly about these struggles
take care
That's why I stopped using those apps and decided to be more present. It's sad 😢 to see what we've become.
As a gay man who needs emotional and spiritual intimacy before physical intimacy, this explains so much. thanks for making this video.
surprise, you are demi sexual.
Thank you for speaking about this. I thought that I was the only one who felt like i can’t relate to my community. Everyone is so sex obsessed and when I want to commit and connect more intimately, they get scared and leave. It’s like, why are you scared of intimacy
In order to understand why they are scared of intimacy just ask them about their relationship with their fathers as children, as boys, as young men. No role models.....
“The Velvet Rage” is also an excellent resource, much in the vein of your coaching/healing- much gratitude for all you do!
Hello , somehow I was led to this page and I think because this topic has been on my mind. I'm a transwoman and have been in a few long term relationships. When I'm single , I tend seek a temporary satisfaction through sex with men. Thank you for opening up about this topic .
What an interesting video.
Our gay community needs healing!
We do need connection and self worth!
Thanks for bringing the subject into the surface for others to think about.
I’ve always wanted to find that connection with someone, authenticity but it’s so challenging, but as you said, we are not the only ones.
There are more around, but it’s hard to find and they might not know how to actually do it. Wanting is just a step.
Once again, thanks for sharing your ideas.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Healing and connection in the gay community are vital. Keep seeking authenticity and connection. Appreciate your support!
Hi Matt. Another Matt here. I'm 23 and really thankful to find people like you who share their knowledge and experiences to make the world, or at least the gay world, a little bit better. Honestly I think all these videos are helping to avoid much suffering and trauma. Although I'm going through rather lonely times (I've never had a connection that I'd call authentic with anyone) and also living in a small town doesn't help to meet new people to connect with. But anaways, this type of content is making me (or maybe having me trying to...) reconsider my perception of people and my surroundings, and so release some sadness and build self-confidence.
Thank you so much ❤
This was very empowering and validating. The comments section is beautiful and insightful. Thanks and also I’ll share I’m a virgin at 25 by choice. These points are major factors. It’s hard to feel you want to even be with someone when you have this internal and external turmoil. Feeling like an alien in so many ways. It’s so complicated. Take care everyone!